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HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO

YOUR MAN INTENSELY FOR
A DEEPER CONNECTION

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When we talk about sexuality,

there’s a lot of ground to cover.
Perhaps one of the most basic
topics is how we describe sex. For
many people, the idea of having
sex connotes simple physicality
versus the idea of making love,
which is more emotionally
connected and involves being in
love with your partner.

What Is Making Love Exactly?

While mastering foreplay, learning
some wonderful new positions and
using a lot of variation is great for
having fun sex, having sex is not the
same as making love. Think about

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that for a minute. Even read it again:

Having sex is not the same as
making love.

Becoming a sexual goddess is great

for keeping your man happy. But
it’s not necessarily the same thing
as making love to your guy.

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When you make love to your

husband, your aim is to have more
than just sex. It’s to bond with him.
It’s to show him how you feel about
him. To show him that you love him.
And hopefully for him to show you
how much he loves and cares about
you too. So, remember this. It’s not
just about crazy, animalistic sex. It’s
about connecting with him.

Making love is powerful because it

reaffirms the value that you have to
your partner and vice versa.

You’re not alone if you’re a woman

who desires that connection via

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sex. While the media argues that

only women make this distinction,
there are many men who also see a
clear distinction between having
sex and what it means to make love,
and they desire it, too. For many
couples, achieving this level of
connection is the ultimate goal in
the bedroom.

If you want to achieve this goal,

you’ll need to define what making
love is to you. How will you know it
when you’re having sex vs making
love? What’s missing when you feel
like you’re just having sex?

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Try to be more specific than, “I’ll

know it when it happens.” Envision
the specific signs he is making love
to you. What will you and your man
do, say, feel, and even think when
making love? Then, use the
following advice in this love
making guide to get more of that
when you want to make love
passionately.

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TECHNIQUES FOR MAKING

LOVE
While you don’t have to use all of
these love making techniques all
the time, proactively focusing on
these aspects can lead to deep
passionate love making.

1. Set the Scene

Imagine any of the great love
making scenes from Hollywood.
More often than not, the lighting is
dimmed, the doors are locked and
a sensual or sexy song Is playing in
the background. It doesn’t matter
that many of those things are edited
into the film after the initial filming.

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Make sure your space is warm,

clean and inviting. Change the
sheets. Burn a scented candle.
Clean up a little beforehand so that
the scene you’re making would be
fitting in a movie.

This won’t be hard to do if your

bedroom is a quiet sanctuary. On
the other hand, it might be harder
to do with little ones running
around or roommates in the house.
Consider hiring a babysitter or
even renting a hotel room for the
night when you want to make love.
Many hotels offer romantic
packages too!

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If you find that you rarely make

love, it could be that you’re not
setting the scene properly. By
making a point to create a romantic
space, you ensure that you don’t
just have a quickie or focus on
mechanical sex.

Consider some sort of signal when

one of you would prefer more
romantic sex, even if it’s just asking
to make love. The two of you might
then work together to create an
intimate scene that will be
conducive to love making.

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2. Express Your Love

Sometimes, when you make love,
it’s not because it’s well thought
out. Instead, it’s because you’re
overwhelmed by the intensity of
your feelings. This can happen if
you’re talking about how much you
love each other or have witnessed
an emotional situation such as a
wedding. Sometimes you can’t help
but show your love in response to a
thoughtful and caring action by
your man.

You can replicate this by taking the

time to show and tell your man how
much you love him. Make sure

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you’ve got plenty of time and you

won’t be interrupted. Perhaps plan
a romantic dinner in your favorite
restaurant or plan a meal to be
waiting for him when he gets home
after work. After all, it’s hard not to
feel the emotion after a romantic
date.

Your expressions of devotion

shouldn’t stop once sex begins,
either. Tell him you love him during
the act. It will make everything feel
that much more intense. Of course,
if you’ve only been dating a little
while, you might want to hold off on
those three little words. But you can

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still express how important he is to

you.

As long as everything you do is

done with love, it matters less what
specific techniques you use
between the sheets.

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3. Take Your Time

If you’re in a rush, you’ll probably

be disappointed when you want to
make love but wind up falling short.
You’ve got to slow things down to
make love. We literally mean to
slow love making and taking more
time to get to the final event.

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Dedicating time to foreplay is a

great way to learn how to make
love. Plus, it helps ensure you’ll
orgasm, a concern than many of our
readers share. Take as much time
as you need to. Trace your fingers
across every inch of his skin.
Memorize the way he smells, tastes
and feels. Slow your breathing.

Love making isn’t a race or about

the goal. It’s the journey that
matters.

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4. Stay in the Moment

For many people, their overactive

minds take them out of the moment,
which isn’t what you want when
you’re learning how to make love.
You can help yourself stay in the
moment with a few practices, which
should come easily if you’ve ever
participated in guided meditation
or tried your hand at Tantric sex.

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Whenever you recognize your

mind is wandering, focus on the
pleasure you’ve giving or
receiving. Notice how your head,
your arms and hands, your legs and
feet and your core feels.

Focus on your breathing and his. If

it helps, you can breathe in tandem
or imagine yourself inhaling his
breath and him doing the same with
the breath you exhale. Imagine that
breath as energy moving through
your body to ground yourself.

For some people, it helps to notice

the stimulation of each sense. For

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instance, moaning can help to keep

your auditory sense enthralled. Or
you may need to switch positions to
get your head back in the game.
There’s a lot of different advice
because no single thing works for
every woman.

These practices are part of what is

known as mindfulness. Mindfulness
can be useful for dealing with
anxiety as well as stress, but it can
also help inside the bedroom!
Mindfulness can help women get
wetter and improve their sexual
function. It may also lead to more
sexual satisfaction. And help

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women with sexual dysfunction

increase their sexual desire.

In fact, sex researcher Lori Brotto

wrote an entire book about how
mindfulness can help women have
better sex, but men can benefit
from mindfulness, too!

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5. Incorporate Your Full Bodies

Many women know what it’s like to

have sex with someone who views
them as nothing more than a warm,
wet hole. This is pretty much the
opposite of making love. So, if you
want to make love, do the opposite.
Think beyond genitals. Incorporate
your whole body — and his, too.

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Lavish attention from his head to his

toes. Kiss him all over. Caress your
hands across the skin of his chest,
arms, back, and legs. Try to
connect as much of your bodies as
possible.

6. Remain Connected
Part of the difference between
making love and just having sex is
that you and your partner remain
connected. The same care you use
outside of the bedroom can help
you master how to make love and
bring your love making to another
level inside the bedroom.

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Do this by making eye contact,

using each other’s names and
focusing on providing pleasure
rather than just getting yours. The
art of making love is all about
connecting with your partner as an
individual. You don’t learn how to

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make love to a man, you learn how

to make love to your man.

Because eye contact helps to keep

you grounded and connected, you
might prefer to stick to positions
like missionary or cowgirl, where
you can make eye contact with your
man. Many people feel that doggy
style or anal sex, for example, are
incompatible with love making.
However, that’s entirely up to you!

If a guy makes direct eye contact,

it’s a sure sign he is making love to
you.

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You can also hold hands and wrap

your arms around him like you’re
hugging to keep your body entirely
connected while you make love.
Bury your face in his neck, where
you can moan directly into his ear.
Kissing is a big difference between
making love and having sex, too.
Some people never kiss people
they’re not in love with!

Obviously, it’s difficult or even

impossible to feel like you’re
making love with a one-night stand.
While we completely suggest
trying casual sex if it’s up your
alley, this isn’t the time.
Furthermore, you’re going to have

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an easier time achieving those

loving feelings with someone
whom you trust, emotionally and
physically.

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7. Focus On the Journey, Not

the Destination

In sex, orgasm is the finish line. To

many people, it’s the goal. And it’s
okay if you prefer to orgasm with
sex. But getting so caught up in the
goal can leave you forgetting about
the journey to get there. It’s pretty

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much the opposite of staying in the

moment.

But it can also be detrimental

because you can get into a routine
and forget to explore. But when you
make a point to focus on the
journey, you slow things down, and
slowing down is one thing that can
set apart making love from just
having sex. Plus, it gives you more

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time to fully explore your own body

and that of your lover.

If you happen to orgasm, that’s

great. If you don’t, you redefine
how sex looks and perhaps what it
means to you. That’s also great.
And when you focus on connecting
and pleasure, it can take off
pressure from trying to orgasm or
to make your partner come.

Our expectations of sex don’t

always help us out, so it’s okay to
not expect… anything.

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8. Try Tantra
Some of the advice we’re already
provided borders on tantric sex, a
philosophy with roots in ancient
India. Tantric sex is, in some ways,
more purposeful, and this can help
you feel more like you’re making
love than just having sex. Tantric
sex focuses on exchanging energy
with your partner, which sounds a
lot like intimate love making to us!

Tantra emphasizes things such as

breathing in sync and making eye
contact, which you can work on
with your partner. You might also
consider an experienced teacher to

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help you master the art of tantric

sex.

9. Cum Together

Now, it’s not necessarily easy or

possible for you and your man to
orgasm at the same time, but doing

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so will certainly make you feel like

you’re making love as opposed to
just having sex. There are a few
steps you can take to make this
easier.

For starters, know how long it takes

you to get off and what you need to
do. If it typically takes you much
longer to get to the point of no
return than it does your man,
starting with oral sex or manual
stimulation might be necessary.

If you’re able to follow our advice to

become multi-orgasmic, you might
be able to control when you cum to

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share the moment with your man.

Additionally, consider edging,
where you bring yourself just to the
edge of orgasm but back off, to
facilitate an explosive orgasm
when you want it.

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10. Cuddle

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For many people, what happens

after sex is just as important as what
happens during. If one or both of
you rush off immediately, it won’t
feel like an emotionally intimate
event. Plus, oxytocin is released
during orgasm, so now is the time
to bask in it. You might recall that
oxytocin is the cuddle hormone that
encourages bonding.

Set aside enough time to touch and

cuddle after sex. This can make the
transition from sexy times to real
life less jarring, too. Maybe take a
nap with your man after love
making and wake up feeling
satisfied and loved.

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WHEN YOU STRUGGLE TO

MAKE LOVE
The advice above can help you be
more proactive about making love
to your husband. But what do you
do when you’ve tried all the love
making techniques and it just
doesn’t feel right? And how do you
react if your man doesn’t respond
in kind?

Consider Your Relationship

If your relationship is under stress
outside of the bedroom, that will
certainly impact what happens
inside of the bedroom. You can’t
expect to make love to your man if

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you’re fighting, resentful, or

otherwise emotionally
disconnected.

Furthermore, if you’re attempting

to feel an emotional connection
with someone who isn’t a romantic
partner, such as a friend-with-
benefits, it will be hard to feel like
you’re making love. It’s time to
rethink what you want out of this
relationship, and if you can’t get it,
walk away.

It Might Not Be About You

When you occasionally feel like the
sex you have isn’t that intimate, it

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could be that your partner is not

fully in the moment. Perhaps he is
stressed from work, exhausted, or
dealing with some sort of pain. He
might be seeking sex in these
moments to help relax rather than
connect with you, which might not
be an issue if it only happens from
time to time.

Some people simply view sex as a

source of pleasure and physical
release. This doesn’t necessarily
mean they don’t care or love you.
They just might show that in ways
that don’t involve sex. For them,
making love might be something
they don’t really consider and

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would have to work at if a partner

expressed a desire to make love.
This can be distressing if you view
sex as the ultimate form of intimacy,
but may be worked through if you
express how important it is to you.

Both of these potential issues bring

us to our next point.

Talk To Your Partner

The most effective way to get what
you want in bed, whether you want
to make love or be spanked, is to
be direct and talk to your partner
about it. Of course, it’s not
necessarily easy to talk about sex,

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which is why we’ve written this

guide to sexual communication.

When it comes to expressing your

desire to make love, you’ll want to
emphasize that sex is good, but
you’d like to feel more connected.
During this conversation, you need
to be open about how you feel and
what you desire. You need to be
kind and willing to be vulnerable.
Remember, vulnerability is one
factor when it comes to making
love.

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You can use this discussion to learn

what making love feels like for your
man, too.

This is the time for you to let him

know if he often seems distanced or
distracted. You’ll tell him how this
makes you feel, but you should try
to remain calm and not accusatory.
He might not even realize that this
is the case!

While you shouldn’t make

demands of your partner, you can
ask him to do the things that will
help you feel more connected
during sex. Being specific is helpful

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if your guy just isn’t the type who

expresses emotion through sex or
doesn’t think of sex like that. If you
want him to slow down, kiss you
more, breathe in sync with you, or
to do anything else, tell him!

The two of you might work out a

signal or phrase that indicates
when you want sex to be more
about the intimacy and less about
the physical aspects. There are
plenty of slang words to use when
you want to have sex.

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Also, make sure to look out for the

signs he enjoys making love to you
and be more intimate.

Redefine How You Make Love

Perhaps the reason you feel like
you’re not making love is that your
view of having sex vs making love
is too rigid. Yes, eye contact and
sensual caresses can provide those
feelings that you desire, but they’re
not the only way. When you’re in
love and you have sex with a
person, almost any type of sex can
be an expression of that love. This
includes rough sex (more about
rough sex) or kinky sex. For some

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people, BDSM is especially loving

because the dominant cares and
provides for their submissive and
the submissive obeys and adores
their dominant.

Just like you can’t tell how love feels

from the outside, it’s impossible for
you to know whether a couple feels
like they’re making love. Of course,
sexy movie scenes look like love
making, but they’re not. It’s all
perspective.

Furthermore, keep in mind that

you’re unlikely to achieve the sort
of calculated perfection you see on

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your TV screen. These sorts of

expectations can lead to
disappointment and even
resentment. Real sex can be messy,
silly, awkward, uncomfortable and
more. But that shouldn’t take away
from the experience you’re having
with the person you love.

Finally, remember that you don’t

have to make love every time.
Sometimes it’s nice just to give in to
lust and have passionate sex (get
ideas here) or to have a quickie that
gets the job done when you only
have a few minutes to spare.

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As long as you at least occasionally

make passionate love and show
your love outside of the bedroom,
that should be good enough.

For many people, there’s no

greater way to connect with their
partner than to make love. It’s the
utmost vulnerability, and there’s
nothing greater than to show love to
someone who you know loves you
back.

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FREQUENTLY ASKED
QUESTIONS
FAQ #1 – Does sex have to be
slow for it to count as making
love?
Making love is more about how and
what you feel rather than what you
do, which is why there’s no right
way to make love. For some
people, rough sex can create the
sense of connection that’s so crucial
to making love in bed. As long as
what you’re doing expresses
vulnerability and emotion, it can
count as making love, even if it’s
rough or kinky.

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FAQ #2 – Why doesn’t sex with

my partner feel like making
love?
It can be disappointing if you want
to make love to your man but it only
feels like you’re having sex,
especially if you’ve been able to
achieve that with past lovers. There
are a few reasons, including a
partner who focuses on the physical
aspects of sex, making orgasm and
not pleasure the goal of sex, issues
within your relationship, trying to
find emotions that are not there,
and focusing too much on your
genitals. Talking to your partner
and potentially redefining making
love can help. QUEEN PRESHIII

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