DAILY JOURNAL- DAY 01

So today I decided to put on these journals in one more attempt to get a grip on
my life which I cannot comprehend about where it is heading. I have every thing
one would ask for but this one thing is ruining the whole me. I crave to talk about
it with someone but I have no one and maybe that’s why this problem got so
humongous at the first place. Today I see no way out but just hope one day things
will fall at place on their own. The only thing which could pain me too hard at this
stage is me only. Im self destroying myself, stopping myself doing the same since
last 1.5 years, unsuccessfully though. Although this time Ive decided to see a
psychiatrist. I cannot stand on my own anymore, I need help. I don’t know if im
addicted or not but I know im doing something which I don’t want to .Don’t know
why I drag myself again and again in this pit even when I was almost able to move
away from this hell. I feel so shit destroying my life and dreams, not having a grip
on my own life. It feels so shit man. I ve done everything I could but still Im not
able to free myself. All I want is a life where I do what I want to do and not
something which I am doing because my brain forces me that. This is the only life I
have, the only opportunity to do something. To fulfill my dreams this thing has to
go. I need freedom from it. I really hope that if im not able to do it myself the
psychiatrist I would go to will help me out. I feel that my brain is not the part of
my body but something else, that 2 entities control the system of mine. I don’t
know what is going to happen next.
 DAY-02

Today I ve decided to start meditation again as they say it weakens the root of the
addiction. Another addition I have done is that I ll use no screen after 10 PM.
What I realize this time is that my brain had started feeling these changes of
soberness. Earlier I used to be done with one time of doing it but this time I felt
the same arousal after the first time as that of when I didn’t do it. The previous
time too I had blown twice in 2 days then a around 25 day respite and then a
single blow then this time 35 day clean and again blown twice. I think its true that
having a new activity definitely helps as it keeps the body and brain engaged. So
moving in this direction I ve decided that I ll again join gym and this time I ll not
miss the swimming classes. I ll engage more with laptop and reduce the phone
usage. One thing I have to keep in mind is that it in itself not a wrong this but the
thing im using to do it is the one that is what im addicted to. Understanding all
this I have to know that im putting my future at stake as I can see tangible
changes in body and brain from when this thing actually started to bother me. My
speech is getting limited, my body is getting weakened, I am not able to spell
words as nicely as I used to. I am obliterating my brain and body at such crucial
conjuncture but theres everything I can do I am trying to. All I wish now is I
continue this routine of mine so that I can live a normal mans life again as I used
to, clean,sober and happy.
 DAY-03

Today, waking up I felt as if my brain was not with me,like it was completely
numbed. This practice is making a number of people suffer and many have
conquered it too. I again today created some values for myself to follow so that I
can regain control on my life too. If I were to list them, they would be going gym
regularly and not faultering like I did the last time. Another key thing to heal imo
is getting the sleep cycle right. I have noticed that I can move a mountain but not
sleep at sharp 10:30 PM. My brain starts racing and I cannot get hold of it until I
have a screen in front of my eyes and what it leads to more often than not is
something you know already. This time though, I have decided no screens after 10
PM and I hope I would regain my power to control my sleep. Its also important
because when I sleep also determines when I would be waking up next day, and
that in turn decides my productivity of that day. If I have to go to gym I have to
wake up at 5 AM at least and that cannot happen when im sleeping at 2 or 3 AM.
One more thing I would regularly do is to meditate as its advocated everywhere
and it does help in de-sensitsing the brain, giving it calmness and peace it needs.
Meditation also helps in weakening the roots of the addiction. But Himanshu
here’s the play- What you to do is to sustain whatever you would be doing. Doing
meditation for 5 days and then ignoring it as you have done in the past won’t help
a bit. Resolve that you are fighting for your existence and that you and only you
are going to face your destruction or your rise. Thing thing has started destroying
your brain and the damage it would do would be irreparable. This is the time to
fight. If anyday urges get too hot to handle go and blow yourself. There’s nothing
destructive in that but the means is what is affecting you in a negative manner.
Scream NAFRAT whenever you get bothered by them. Tell yourself you are happy.
Chase your beautiful dream. Talk to yourself, think before doing anything, save
your existence. See your father and your mother’s face. They all are looking upon
you. Don’t let them down. Don’t let yourself down.
 13 October 2019

From tomorrow I am going to assess my day and I am going to make sure that I
miss no task and do the things I am supposed to do. From tomorrow I would be
joining the gym again. I would be waking up at 5 AM by sleeping at 10:30 PM, I
would be meditating twice a day, I would be regular at the swimming pool. What I
have to do is to sustain all that because I can sense as of now that this addiction is
affecting the brain in a manner where my thought are being blocked and my
perception is being changed. Dad asked me to check my AUKAAT and check not to
cross it else he is going to make me realize who the fuck I am. He said u ain’t no
DADA yet. Clearly he was symbolizing to your goal that you haven’t and probably
you wouldn’t achieve it. But let me tell you dude that if you are able to carry this
fight and throw away this addiction, there’s nothing that can stop you. That only
you can stop yourself from achieving your dreams. Dude people struggle with
cocaine,weed,drugs and what not yet they come out of that. They don’t have the
choices of focusing fully on their life and defeating their addiction. They don’t
have such a glorious goal to achieve but still they come out of that, so what’s
bothering you? Is this helping you achieve your dreams in any way? Those bitches
of whom you think and feel aroused and nothing to do with your ruin. You have
hell lot of people to prove that they were fucking wrong and you were right that
you trusted and pursued your goals. Its time that you develop a hatred for this
shit and eat, breathe, sleep, live with your dream and let me tell you that the first
attempt you’ll be giving would be the most probable attempt of your success. Do
you ever imagine how your life is going for once if you persevere and do all the
hardwork. Just think of it everyday for 5 minutes and see yourself. Your life will
completely change, in a manner you yourself cannot imagine. There are atleast 25
people who say it on your face you wont be able to do it, you are not that
capable. What answer do you have to put in front of them? Decide it today,
tomorrow and every day until you get yourself what you want, FREEDOM AND
THAT THING.
 14 October 2019

So from today I begun my journey for a better life. I woke at 5 AM thanks to Sahaj
he rang up at 4:45 AM. Went to the gym, did some exercise and boy it felt so
good. I could feel my muscles working and I felt living a different life in that hall,
different from the life full of misery and disappointment and addiction. Feeling it
as a burden, now I realize that it was boon for person as sick as me. Coming from
home I had my breakfast and went for the learner’s license to the RTO Office. The
road the destination was so messed up I can’t write about it. There was insane
traffic on the way and I somehow rode the bike to there. To our pain, more mess
was waiting on the office. Had to stand in really long multiple queues and after a
long wait, we could complete the requisite process and then came the peak of the
day. I went in for the learner license’s test and it was a thrilling experience.
People outside were saying that the test is really easy and only a fool could fail at
it. What my experience says is however completely opposite. There were some
questions that I would say very easy but rest of them were something one would
have no answer about and at one stage I got 2 of them wrong successively and
after clicking one right, another incorrect. I was shocked and thought im gone, I
thought I failed the exam of which the naysayers were talking in a light hearted
manner. But since I had clicked next I moved to the rest of the questions and I
don’t know how I did but cleared it with 9 correct, getting 4 on 4 on the last. I
learnt from it that one shall not give up or loose hope until the last battle has
been fought and won. Coming back home I again faced heavy rush, potholed
roads, smoky blockades and somehow, all tired up, made to home. The for most
of the time I played counter strike but have uninstalled it completely now as it
was taking a bit too much of my time. I could feel myself smiling and laughing
today, telling myself that this is the life I want to live forever. I’m not asking much
from life at this point of time. Just a opportunity to be able to pursue my dreams
before its too late for me. Now, I would be going for meditation and getting ready
to live another lovely as was this one. I will not stop until I change myself for
better and will keep telling myself that I should not bog down until that last battle
hasn’t been fought. Gn : )
 16 October 2019

First of all sorry for the one day gap I was really off last day to write an account. I
know I am not supposed to skip any activity but I had skipped all tasks so I
thought it would be of no use. Today though, was nothing like this. I would tick all
boxes except swimming one. I went to gym and did some great chest exercises. I
came home and felt a bit lazy and though I didn’t want to but slept and wasted
some 3 hours. Went up and studied a bit and again wasted time in counter strike.
I realize that I am wasting time but its giving me an occupation and its fine I guess
I can get some off too. I am going to compensate this time by leaving the tution
and then would try to manage my time accordingly. The peak of day would be
umm……….. I guess the gym part. I could not get much going today. Decided to
push counter strike and it did releases some dopamine and makes me feel a bit
good. I am feeling some shit in me and I want to push harder and want to achieve
all heights that I deserve and fuck slap on every one who is mocking me today and
ridiculing my aims. Right now, what im going to do is going to take a bath,
meditate, and study 2 hours. I ll let you know what I would be doing tomorrow.
no screen after 10, I know it. : )
 17 October 2019

Nothing special about today but a lot of things to worry about. I am noticing that I
am founding it difficult to focus upon something and not able to remember
things. You know how detrimental that can be. I feel depressed about not being
able to control my mind. Today, I had counter strike as a relishing and refreshing
activity but I couldn’t control my brain and and I wasted around 2-3 hours in it,
only to uninstall it later. This addiction has taken away the control of me away
from myself and I feel nothing but very bad about myself. I feel singled out, I feel
that my life is being taken away from me in such a fashion, with no tangible
change that I can show people or to seek help but I cant and even though I didn’t
wanted, but I am all alone in this fight of mine. I fear that I would commit suicide
because of this helplessness. I feel being alone and having someone to talk to,
and its so painful. I want to live my dreams and I’m ready to work as hard as it
demands but how I’m supposed to do it when my brain is not in my control but
gone rogue. I don’t know the way out. I feel I try my best to not do it or fight the
best I can but doing this activity, this much addictive, for this long time and I
doubt if I ever be able to live as a free person. I’ve left phone when guys of my
age wouldn’t be passing a day without it. Anyways, I don’t wanna sound as im
whining or looking for sympathy or entitlement. I went to gym today and did back
strengthening. Gym feels so good and im observing myself getting strong
physically and its relaxing and joyous to see. I wish I could have something for the
mental aspect like this too. It would have been so good wouldn’t it? Alright, I’m
going to have a chicken feast and then maybe see if I have to time to study. I’ll see
ya tomorrow.
 18 October 2019

I am writing this on around 11:50 PM. This is the loophole this addiction looks for.
I have to keep myself disciplined but today I haven’t done anything I was
supposed to and even broke the rule of no screen after 10. I didn’t even studied
much but wasted time here and there. One thing that aches me is the ease with
which I get distracted or lured into something. And probably this change is again
because of this addiction. Tomorrow I would probably go for seeking info
regarding my coaching. I am afraid but I guess I would be taking coaching in
Kanpur only. I don’t know how its going to work but I guess I would have to make
it work because this is do or die for me now. I have to gather this mental strength
somehow and have to stand tall to achieve my dreams, for which I am being
mocked around. I want to inculcate sheer discipline in my life and that’s the only
way to succeed in defeating any brain activity pattern. I have moulded brain into a
particular activity which is not good for me, and I have to teach myself regularly
that it is not good for me no matter what. One thing I realized today was that my
brain felt happy when I absorbed the fact that I would be shortly taking coachings
and meeting people an following a patterned life. Maybe my brain wanted it from
the very beginning and it was a fault on my part to be not able to provide it with
the same. I have lived 2 years in isolation, 2 years equal in hell, 2 years fighting
every second with myself, trying to learn the restraint that I have lost, the control
on myself that I have lost, the happiness I have lost, the trust upon myself which I
crave for, everything I had to pay with this price of isolating myself ignorantly.
Well, if it feels good it’s a good news that probably this this would be the ultimate
end of this painful and ever remembered war. But its far too early to say anything
as of now. I have to remain patient, disciplined, focused and one day maybe, I ll
out from between the flames as a fighter who was brought on knees and crushed
but never DEFEATED! I crave that day. Good night, : )
 19 October 2019

Today again I am writing the stuff ay around 11 PM although I slept at 4 and woke
up at 7 PM. I guess I would be up atleast till 2 or 3 AM. Man, I don’t know what I
am doing with all my time. I woke up early today, went to the gym as well and
worked on biceps. I came home and went out to buy buttermilk. Although even
today I didn’t study anything. I feel kinda restraint when im down syudying, not
knowing why. I did took my bath today and im going to meditate after writing
this. I also watched The Dark Knight today and man what scintillating and
extraordinary creation it is. Every extol would fall short of putting the real price of
the movie. These are the kind of movies that get your nerves going man. I salute
to Heath Ledger for what he has produced in this movie, unmatchable standards
of professionalism by director Nolan and rest of the cast too for producing such a
real thing on the screen. People who would have watched it on theatres would
have had their minds blown, I can bet on that. Nothing much else to write about
the day, today, friend. Although I’m assuring you that I’m doing my best not
ruining my chances. Probably tomorrow, I’ll be going to INOX again for watching
Joker if Sahaj agrees or otherwise I’m gonna ask Bobby for it. We’ll about that
when I write up tomorrow. For now, I guess its time to bid adieu. Stay happy.
Night. : )
 20 October 2019

Quite an eventful day. Went to SouthX mall to watch JOKER for the third time and
movie is still the same masterpiece it was. The theatre though, was pretty
average. The screen was too small, there were too many commercials, people
sitting around were too big a prick to contend with and the worst part was the
subtitles being in Hindi. They ridicule the whole meaning of the movie. The
audience, specially the one guy sitting to my right and Bobby’s left was very tough
to deal with. The one to my right bothered me during the whole movie by his non
stop coughing. After watching the movie we went outside to return to our origin
and I drove between the worst quality of air and surroundings in which I ever
breathed. It was smokey, garbage everywhere, sick smells every time you inhale. I
guess people aren’t paying any heed to all this talk of deterioration of our air and
are continuing with burning heaps of garbage or plastics and local administration
is also trying nothing apparent to the eye. After returning to home I had Tehri as
dinner. Then I studied some online editorials. Down 2 earth is proving a rich
resource much aspirants not knowing of it. I can use it extensively in the mains
preparation. Its around 10:35 PM and I am about to sleep. Gym tomorrow and im
loving this normal life. Night .
 21 October 2019

I dunno what happened, was it a fade off, did I do it deliberately? Did I really
relapsed or everythings normal? I am tired and I feel crying or shouting, resisting
these rogue voices in my brain which are so hard to not give any heed to but still I
faulter everytime. I do not feel like writing anything today. They said without
media was okay but I feel bothered with this too, only a little less, but I do. I don’t
know should I see a psychiatrist or the issue is just trivial for some one else, that I
ll be mocked for complaining. I feel disturbed, I see a friend who always talk about
those shits and now my brain associates him with that thing only, that I hate
looking or listening to him. I do feel good writing journals and I want to continue
it, whatever good I do, whenever I do something that I like, my brain tell me not
to do it. I did not attended a single day at the pool just because I was wasting time
is some different activity. I barely meditated. I can rarely have a calm brain for 5
minutes. There has to be something wrong with my patterns in the neurons
otherwise it wouldn’t be bothering me this much. But who do I ask for help? How
shall I do it?i feel agonized comprehending that such a shitty thing, something the
world doesn’t even care to put as a disease is bothering me this much. Its true
that I allowed it to do this damage to me. Its true that I feel burned out trying to
fix myself cognitively, socializing. Its so agonizing to see how my friends enjoy
their life, making friends, all of them and im here struggling to win this lone
battle. If anyone would come to know what im going through because of this,
they would laugh at me. I am so bad that I am not worthy of using a smart phone
or probably any device in a proper manner. Smart phones weren’t made for a
teen to get addicted to a thing one can’t escape from. I feel faded but I am still
trying to have some discipline to this messy affair through which I tread on a daily
basis. I’m going to sleep now, hopefully, because I may myself not know what I
would do.
 SOMEDAY

Its 26 October today. Yes, I did skip writing all these days. I have joined Chahal
academy and now I see the one year plan I am supposed to follow. One year of
rigorous preparation has to start from now but m not able to study even 3 to 4
hours. I waste time here n there and that’s the reason I am catching the urges
again just in 6 days. I feel that I feel less confidence while talking to others. How
am I going to become an officer if these things are going to continue? I need to
realize that I have to focus hard and work accordingly. I know I can do it, but for
that I don’t have a single day to waste. I don’t feel writing much as of now. I ll see
ya tommorow