AB PRACTICAL TRANSCRIPTION

DEMOGRAPHIC AND BACKGROUND INFORMATION (what is the disorder, when did it get
diagnosed, when was the first time they went to a professional, what was the diagnosis,
type of intervention or treatment suggested, experience of treatment process)

Yellow – lived time

Red – lived body

Blue – lived space

Green – inter subjectivity

Pink- self

BRIEF OVERVIEW

The first time I had actually experienced some of the symptoms were back in 2016 if I
correctly remember, I can’t correctly recall but yes.  From 2016 onwards I started
experiencing a lot of anxiety for very unnecessary things. I used to start excessively worrying
about very small and trivial things that I did not know impacted me this much. After I wake,
around two minutes later I start getting anxious for no apparent reason. At that time, I did not
know that being anxious and worried all the time are signs of mental illness because there
was very little awareness about things like these, it is now that things like mental health and
all are of paramount importance. And because I did not know that this was a serious problem,
I used to think that it was so normal and that everybody experienced a life like this. I was the
least aware back then which now that I think of it, it costed me a lot.  So at that time, I used to
go to school and it used to be so difficult for me. On the outside everything seemed to be fine,
but on the inside I felt terrible. My heart beat used to increase sometimes for no reason. Like
how do I explain it, like imagine a dog is chasing you and you are running for your life.
Every time I get anxious, this is exactly what I go through, you can’t seem to explain it
always because there is no reason for me to get anxious. For example, if someone says
something or you do something that may not even be wrong but I am so convinced that I am
at fault and I start worrying. All this had happened when I was staying in Wayanad (a city in
Kerala). After a few years when I shifted to Cochin, I found myself being less anxious (lived
space) and I had actually thought that now I am all okay and that nothing is bothering me
anymore. I am perfectly fine because of the change in the surroundings or because with time I
got alright. But later, again in 2019 or so I started getting these sudden waves of panic and
anxiety again. Soon after that, lockdown started which made it worse.

What I have understood is that I start getting anxious when I feel overly stressed. It mainly
started after an incident that had happened to me where I was drunk like anything with my
friends and slightly cheated on my girlfriend unknowingly. This incident made me feel
terrible and it bothered me a lot. I started thinking that I am a very bad person and how could
I ever do that to my girlfriend. I started feeling that I am a terrible human being and started to
doubt myself a lot. This lasted for about 4 months with great intensity. And I think it is
because of this incident, after this, I had just needed something really small that would make
me extremely anxious where I cannot feel myself. During that month, the anxiety that had hit
me was something I had never ever experienced, where I thought I would just die because it
was that intense.

There were days where I would not get up from the bed. I would not be able to stand up for
even a good 10 minutes. Like for example, after I get up I was so sure that by 1pm I would
have to go back to bed. At first I used to not keep track of the time, but later I figured out that
this was a serious condition that I am going through because I was not able to even talk. I was
just extremely scared and I could not speak. Like for example, if I am scrolling on instagram
and because I am a photographer I do have potraits of others on my feed and if it is a girl’s
picture that I am seeing, automatically in my mind I am thinking that I am viewing them very
badly (in a sexual way) which makes me feel like a bad person. All of these do not make
sense to anyone else except me.

Sometimes I ask myself “why am I worrying about things that are so small”, but the problem
is that I am not able to control it, I just keep on worrying. I keep on worrying what will
happen in the next hour after this. So I repeatedly tell myself that I should as soon as possible
tell my girlfriend about this, because I do not want to hurt her. But the thing is I cannot
control myself , it is like an ‘obsession’ I have, if I do not tell my girlfriend I cannot sit still
and I feel like I am doing a huge crime. (this is the only thing in my head and it's acting out as
an obsession). I have realized that if I do not tell my girlfriend this, I tend to be
uncontrollably anxious. The biggest problem is that when I tell my girlfriend and maybe a
few other friends, others are thinking very negatively about me for no absolute reason which
causes more problems than before. I myself know that this is such a trivial problem but I
cannot control myself from keeping quiet, and this makes me go on loop countless times.

This sometimes also occurs when I am sitting idle, I overthink about some past situations
about the same incident and I go to my girlfriend and tell her about it which creates
unnecessary panic in her. Although these incidents are super small, when it comes in my head
they seem extremely big and very bothersome. I get scared unnecessarily and I wrap myself
around in a blanket and lie in bed for around 5 hours just like that, unable to do anything (I
cannot speak to anyone, cannot finish my daily chores).

I started having sessions with a therapist 4 months ago. She was an extremely nice lady and I
told them all of my concerns. She responded saying that it is totally curable. The causes and
reasons behind why I am facing GAD were explained to me. She told me that I do have a
genetic vulnerability in developing GAD because my father has also been suffering the same,
although he is not diagnosed. I have also had instances of abuse in my childhood which also
would have added to this. My therapist also explained to me what exactly is happening in my
brain when I get anxious, so that I am better aware of it. So apparently, my prefrontal cortex
gets affected the most and changes take place.  Later, she told me that it would be a good
option to also consult a psychiatrist just to be on the safer side and I proceeded to book an
appointment for the same. I was prescribed a medicine called ‘fluoxetine 20 mg’, which is a
common medicine for depression and anxiety and I was supposed to continue this course for
21 days at first and then since it showed positive results on my body, I continued this
medicine. I was a lot more stress free, I could travel a lot more and engage in conversations
with others. I was basically just happy which helped me a lot. I feel more stronger now.

What I find extremely difficult is to explain it to others that it is a ‘condition’ that I am going
through, it is not easily understood by others as much. For example, if it was my hand that
was hurt or is hurting, I could simply show it to them, how can I show that I am mentally
hurting? I cannot rip open my brain right? I constantly feel like I am helplessly trapped in a
loop and that I require someone else’s help to get me out of this, which makes me feel
terrible.

 
INTERVIEW SCHEDULE

R: Would you consider yourself as a person who worries over small things?

C: Of course yes. For me, I just need the most silliest of reasons to be worried about.
Sometimes I feel like my day is not complete if I do not worry or get anxious enough. It can
be about what someone had said, or of something small that had happened. I would ascribe
all those instances as causing problems because of me and start worrying about it.

R: What do you worry about and how much do you struggle to control this worry?

C: The most difficult thing I encounter on a daily basis is to control my worry. There are so
many things that I worry about. It may not even make sense to others but I worry about the
most randomest things ever. Maybe for example about something that happened years ago
might be causing me to be worried right now. Most of my stress and worry are sometimes
about the sexual thoughts that I have. For me, even though I do not intend to have see others
in a sexual way, in my head I have this constant thought that every time I see a girl, I look at
her in a bad way which makes me anxious and feel like a terrible person.  Because of these
thoughts, I have this obsession to let my girlfriend know as soon as possible that I had
thought like this. The problem is that, although I only saw a photo of somebody else, in my
mind it makes me think that I cheated on my girlfriend and that I am a terrible person because
I did so.

R: What about controlling the worry part?

C: I find it extremely difficult to control my worry. The only way I can control my worry is to
let the people around me or my girlfriend know that I have done this and that I have thought
this badly about someone. Without letting them know about this, I cannot stop getting
anxious or worried. The guilt that I feel cannot be put to words. Sometimes I’ve felt like I
actually killed somebody, the guilt feeling is that much. I cannot even sit idle because I will
be that worried if I don't tell others how I'm feeling. Soon after this, I cried a lot and felt
relieved.

 
R: How does your body react to various symptoms? What bodily sensations do you feel when
you are worried?

C: My heart beat increases rapidly, my body automatically signals me to lie down with my
eyes closed and all. You know how you are like waiting for something to end so patiently?
Yeah, that is how I feel.

R: Are there any other symptoms you face apart from this?

C: Other symptoms, yes. I get this sensation in my stomach where I feel like a knot is tied to
my stomach. Like imagine having fire inside your stomach, that’s exactly how I feel. It’s a
terrible feeling. I also get a burning sensation in my stomach. When I get anxious, as my
heart beats faster, I feel this excruciating pain on my chest as well. Most of the time my heart
rates are beating normally, but I feel on the inside that my heart is pumping very intensely-
like there is no rhythm. In very rare cases, I also will not be able to catch my breath, but that
is extremely rare though- I have only experienced it once or twice.

R: Have you experienced your muscles twitching?

C: Yeah sometimes I do. In addition to this, my left hand twitches sometimes and starts
shaking rapidly. Left hand also becomes numb and I constantly have to shake my hand in
order for it to be fine.

R: Alright okay okay. It must have been really difficult I’m sure. I am so sorry you had to go
through this.

R: How are your energy levels throughout the day? (P: Do you often feel tired and drowsy?)

C: When I am anxious, my energy levels would be extremely low, to the extent to where I
would not be able to move my arms and legs. I will just sit in one place or lie in my bed for
hours (around 5 hours or so) and just be still. I would always just prefer to be seated at some
corner in my house. I am not interested in doing anything, I would not speak a lot and just sit
there.

After I cry and vent all of it out, I have seen myself having a lot of energy to do things. I
would walk around and talk to my parents and I believe that everything is okay and that it
would never occur again.
R: So does it keep altering between high and low levels of energy?

C: It doesn’t switch that often, mostly I am low on energy, it's just that sometimes in between
I get energized once I am okay. If in a week, I am anxious 5 out of 7 days, my energy levels
are low mostly all of those 5 days.

R:  Are you able to sustain your attention while doing a task? (P: How are your concentration
levels like these days? Are you able to make decisions on your own? )

C: I don’t really think being anxious affects my concentration levels. I have actually noticed
that, for example, If I have an assignment or to study, although I do get anxious in between, I
come back and try to finish my work and then move on. The only thing I have realized is that
because I get worried about things in between it takes me more time to finish a task than
before. I never found myself struggling to study or do my work. Infact, I did like studying
because that kept me engaged and I did not have other thoughts that made me worried.

These days, I try to take up new courses and learn new languages so that I am fully occupied
with work, hence I wouldn’t spend my time worrying about other things. That helps me.

R: What about other than academics, are you able to fully concentrate while doing other
tasks?

C: Yes, I am able to concentrate and do my work. The only time where I feel I cannot
concentrate and keep up with my attention is during social interactions or while holding
conversations with others.

While doing photography and all, I am fully concentrated and invested in what I am doing. I
always love to keep myself entertained.

R: What are the instances that irritate you or make you feel grumpy?

C: Yes, I have gotten angry at my mom and dad many times for no reason. Even though I
know that I am making a fight for something that is very pointless, I cannot control myself
but burst into anger.

R: Do you often find yourself getting quickly annoyed for no reason?

C: Yes and whenever that happens, I try my best to remain quiet but most of the time, even
though I want to remain quiet I am not able to because I lose control and get annoyed at
everyone around me. I think it is because of the stress piling up inside of me.

R: What is your sleep schedule like?  (P: Do you find it difficult to fall asleep?)

C: Yeah my sleep schedules are the next biggest problem I have. The thing is, sometimes I
have even been anxious ‘just by the thought of whether I will be able to sleep tonight’. This
happens an hour or two before I sleep. I start to get anxious wondering whether I will be able
to sleep later, and spend a lot of time pondering over it. Even when I am saying this right now
to you, in my mind I’m wondering whether I will be able to sleep tonight, but it is okay I
have decided to deal with it boldly.

When worrying about my sleep schedule I try and think about different postures I should try
sleeping in which might make my sleep better, or using a sleeping mask bag to help myself
sleep better. These thoughts just keep revolving in my head on and on again. This occurs till
around 2 or 3am in the morning.

R: Do you find yourself awake in the middle of the night?

C: No, I mean if I stay up till around 3am and all, I don’t find myself waking up again. For
me the most difficult part is to fall asleep. What I have realized is, even if I am able to sleep,
it is never quality sleep. It is always a very superficial sort of surface sleep that I am getting.
The slightest of sounds around me would wake me up.

And I am also a person who gets extremely annoyed if I am not able to sleep well and I can
see myself being very irritated around everyone the next day if I haven’t slept properly the
night before.

To be honest, my sleep schedule has been better now after medication.

R:  How much have the symptoms affected you personally and professionally?

C: It has really affected me professionally. Not in the film field as much, but as a
photographer yes. Before lockdown, even when I was not feeling okay mentally, I used to
somehow gather myself together and go for shoots. Because it was more like a dependency. I
found relief in clicking photos where I did not worry about my intrusive thoughts. Later,
when my condition got worse, I was not able to go. I started canceling shoots. To be honest,
the reason why I do not take photos anymore is because of this. Because I used to not have
the time and effort to actually click photographs, most of the time I would just be lying down
in bed and I used to feel really trapped. I never got that consistency which was needed.
Nowadays, trying out new projects and things also makes me anxious.  The anticipatory
anxiety starts to kick in.

R: So does it impact you more on a personal level or professional level?

C: I feel it impacts my personal life more, my relationships and family. In my professional

life not really because I get to keep myself engaged all the time. It is sort of distracting.