So, I Killed a Few People

By Gary Rudoren and David Summers

ARCHIE: I had to take a dump during my mother’s funeral. This is my earliest memory. I

think. To be truthful, I remember this mostly because that’s the first

question I get asked by all the head shrinkers in here. Friendly fellows those

doctors are…apparently before the State fries my ass they want to get to

know me as best they can . . .

(As aside in woman’s voice.) “Bob, when’s he going to talk about the killing and
the blood and the gore?”

That’s what you came for isn’t it?? Isn’t it? Hey…How often do you get this

close to a so-called serial killer? Most people. . . never. Some people-almost

never. . . And in my case. . . eight people-once. . . actually it’s a few more. . . but

that’s all they caught me on. . . I’m leaving the rest of them out there for kind

of an Easter egg hunt. . . Welcome to my freak show! My court-approved freak

show!!

I could go into a long involved story about the trials and tribulations of my

trials. . . and tribulations. . . but let’s cut to the chase. . . In the majority

opinion of the Supreme Court of the United States in Archie Nunn vs. the

State of Florida, Justice Souter wrote that I was entitled to perform my life’s

story as an expression of my free speech rights and was a valid request that

the State had to honor…the only stipulations was that I could not use the real

names of any of the victims because, even though they were dead, I’d be

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 violating their right to privacy. . . apparently killing them was one thing, but I’d

be in real trouble if I was going to violate their right to privacy. . . So here I

am. . . one week to the fryer. . .

(As aside in woman’s voice.) ”Bob, we know he’s gonna fry, but I want to hear
about the killing and the blood and the gore.”

Well hold onto your tits. . . because as they said in Munchkinland, “We’ll be

there shortly.”

INTRODUCTION
"Go for the heart, just don't eat it," says Archie Nunn, recalling a friend's counsel—pretty sage
advice for someone with nothing in the world but an orange jumpsuit, a tape recorder, a date
with the electric chair, and a solo show on death row. A legendary killer, Nunn has one last
wish: to heap abuse on the Disney Corporation, which he blames for his problems, and tell of
his twin obsessions with serial television and serial murder. So I Killed a Few People by Gary
Rudoren and David Summers

ARCHIE: I was born outside of the Jewish part of Atlanta, but when I was nine we

moved to Orlando. . . my Dad worked for the company. . . he’s an electrical

engineer for Disney World…currently he’s the head electrician for

“Frontierland” . . . he’s a nice guy my Dad is…always gets along with everyone…

I used to watch the movies and the TV shows and buy the image…and there is

no greater problem in our society today than the effect that Disney is having

on our children.

I’ve boiled down the entire Disney credo to two messages: One . . . all inanimate

objects have the ability to sing. . . And Two . . . if you’re ugly, a cripple or a

freak, good things will happen to you. If you’re the beast you’ll find a beauty.

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If you’re a hunchback, some gypsy woman with big cartoon tits will want to be

your friend. And if you’re a dwarf, a beautiful woman will find you and your

freakish friends even if you live in the middle of a frickin’ forest. When I was

growing up I was an outcast, but I didn’t know it because I was able to walk

around with big mouse ears and huge foam hands and think that was okay just

because Disney said so . . .

Disney claims to be a friend of the family, but that’s just part of the

conspiracy…if Disney really wants to help little kids . . . if they really want to

help all little kids . . . they can show them movies and television shows that are

more real . . . send them out a real message about life . . . and that is this: If

you’re an ugly, crippled freak, here’s what’s going to happen to you: Nothing.

People will hate you. Mommies and Daddies don’t like cripples. Gargoyles won’t

be your friends. Restaurants don’t serve ugly people. Nobody will take your

checks. You better live on an island. You should kill yourself. You should kill

those that don’t like you.

One day these little kids are going to grow up and learn the realities of life and

figure out all this stuff and then they are going to snap. . . they’re gonna lose it.

. . and then BLAM!! DISNEY HAS CREATED MORE SERIAL KILLERS THAN

THE ENTIRE STATE OF WISCONSIN!!

I guess if I have any regrets, it’s that I’ve hurt my dad . . .like I said . . .he’s a

good man…and he ended up with a serial killer for a son . . . not a ringing

endorsement of fatherhood . . . he’s a good dad though. . . I don’t blame him and

no one else should. . . but. . . he is in a little bit of denial about my death. . . he’s

never asked me about the killings or why or. . . anything. . .

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So he came by to say goodbye and we’re sitting there. . . a little awkward. . . so

I break the ice. . . I say, “Hey dad. . . they told me the chair is the new 10,000

model from Westinghouse. . . “

This perked him up a little. . . He started chatting about the advanced

technology used to make that chair and how it was a quality piece of equipment.

. . I told him about how they wet down my head to get better connections and

he thought that was a good way to ensure the flow of electricity to my brain. . .

by the end of the discussion he had fully explained the technical aspects of

how I was going to die by electrocution. . . in his eyes this might have been the

birds and bees discussion that we never had. . . He got up to leave. . . we kind of

looked at each other…and his last words to me were. . . “I know Archie. . . I’ve

always known” . . . then he just walked out. . . and I just stared at him and made

a slight wave. . . it was after he couldn’t see me. . . and I. . .

Right before they pull the switch, they ask you for your last words. I think I’ll

tell them about the only time I’ve ever killed out of genuine anger. . . the only

time I lost something I truly cared about. . . it was my first time. . . my first

killing.

I’ve told you my dad was a good man. . . but while I was growing up he didn’t

have much time for me. . . as for my mother. . . being happy to mom meant vodka

martinis for breakfast lunch and dinner with bourbon snacks throughout the

day. . . well, let’s just say that I was raised by television. . .

TV was my mother, father, priest, friend. . . you have to admit how valuable

television is. . . it’s got comedy, drama, news, history. . . when I did want to be

alone, all I had to do was turn it off and all my little friends would go away . . .

and be there waiting for me when I was ready to get together again. . . and the

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best thing. . . they’re never gonna be too tired to play or too busy. . . or too

drunk. . .

I thought things were going okay in life. . . in general, but then there was this

one bitch. . . I don’t know if she was jealous or what, but she was always trying

to come between me and my friends. . . she’d make fun of me because we were

all so close. . . She’d whine about how I was losing touch with “reality: . . . I

explained to her that television was as real as anything else. . . and that a lot of

my friends were there. . . she had no friends. . . she grew more jealous of me

and my friends. . .

There was this one day. . . we had just had a real blow-out of a fight. . . she was

drinking. . . and I just went into my room and turned on the TV. . . when I hear

this heavy breathing in the doorway behind me. . . and I turn around and she’s

standing there. . . panting. . . sweating. . . and holding a claw-hammer in her

hand. . .

“What do you plan on doing with that hammer?” I asked.

“Something I should have done a long time ago. . . “ she said . . .

She had lost it. . . I wasn’t really afraid. . . she was puny. . . I knew I could take

her. . . but then I realized that I was not the object of her anger. . . I leaped

at her, but it was too late. . . she had put the hammer through my friend. . .

there was an explosion of glass and sparks and then they were gone. . . all gone.

And she screamed, “Now maybe you’ll talk to me!” . . . and through my rage. . . I

was seething. . . in the calmest voice I could muster said, “It’ll be okay, let’s

just clean up the mess.” This confused her, she was ready for a knock-down-

drag-out fight . . . she handed me the hammer and turned to get the

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dustpan . . . and when she turned, I dug the claw of the hammer into the back

of her skull. . . and drug her back into the room. . . she started screaming. . . I

took the blunt end of the hammer and smashed it in her throat. . . and then she

starts really crying. And I can tell she’s trying to manipulate me, you know?

Mess with my emotions? Turn my friends against me. . . actually she owed my

friends an apology. . . I picked her up and threw her headfirst into the TV and

said, “You tell them you’re sorry. . . “

You tell Johnny Carson you’re sorry

Johnny Quest

Tell’m what they’ve won Johnny!

I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!

Lucy, you got some splainin’ to do!

HOGANNN!

This tape will self-destruct in five seconds!

M-I-C…K-E-Y

WHY

WHY

WHY!!!

Then I realized she wasn’t moving anymore . . . I let the body drop. . . it fell out

of the TV. . . But the head stayed in. . . I just stared at her . . . It wasn’t as

good as television, but I was fascinated by it. . . It was like I was making my

own kind of television. . . I liked this show. . . I wanted to see this show again. . .

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 I stared at her face for a long while . . . a long time. . . I don’t remember much

after that. . . except. . . I had to take a dump at her funeral.

SOURCE INFORMATION
Author: Gary Rudoren and David Summers
Book: Plays and Playwrights for the New Millennium
ISBN: 978-0967023410
Publisher: The New York Theatre Experience
Date (Month/Year): Feb 2000

AWARD HISTORY

2003 National Qualifier

2004 National Qualifier
2009 National Qualifier
2010 National Qualifier
2011 National Qualifier
2013 National Qualifier
2015 National Qualifier
KS State Qualifier

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