What are difficult conversations?

1.a difficult conversation is anything you find

it hard to talk about

2.they are a normal part of life

3.difficult conversations can be divided into

three conversations.

(1)’what happened’ conversation

i.Most difficult conversations involve

disagreement about what has happened or
what should happen.

ii.The ‘what happened?’ conversation is

where we spend much of our time in difficult
conversations as we struggle with our
different stories about who’s right, who
meant what, and who’s to blame.

(2)the feelings conversation

i.Every difficult conversation also asks and

answers questions about feelings.

(3)the identity conversation

i.This is the conversation we each have with

ourselves about what this situation means to
us.

ii.the identity conversation is about what I

am saying to myself about me.

Why did difficult conversation often

occur?

1.The difficult conversations occur because

you and others are looking the same thing in
a different angle, or you are in different
stories.

i.we have different information, and we

notice different things

ii.we have different interpretations.

a.we are influenced by past experiences

b. we apply different implicit rules.

iii.our conclusions reflect self-interest

2.They occur because we use judgements,

attributes and blame, not statements.

i. judgement

3.Whey occur because we don’t express our

feelings when hearing other’s sayings and
just put feelings into words.

i. we are implicit about expressing feelings

4.They occur because we have hidden our

personality or something we don’t want to
tell others.

i.identity problems

How to handle difficult conversations

1.shift from a ‘message delivery stance’ to a
‘learning stance’

2.stop arguing about who’s right: explore

each other’s stories.

3.don’t assume they mean it: disentangle

intent from impact.

4.abandon blame: map the contribution

system.

5.express your feelings

6.ground your identity: ask yourself what’s at

stake

How to raise conversations to solve

problems

1.begin from the third story

2.learning: listen from the inside out

3.expression: speak for yourself with clarity

and power

4.problem-solving: take the lead