Judge me anyway…

To write is already to serve – the very famous tagline of the College

Editors Guild of the Philippines. More or less you already have known me as
a rebel, a deviant, a devil, well, I get that a lot, especially from people who
accuse me for being me. I was never scared to show the real me in public,
well, at least before I started being the curator of the future generation. I have
hidden my true being through a smiley-face mask concealing the struggles
and pains I had to get through in life.
Sumulong. Sumulat. Manindigan at Magmulat. Four words that kept
me alive from the brink of being nabbed by policemen and accused of
unpatriotic and unnationalistic deeds. Yes, as I have said before I am a
member of a somewhat radical group, but whether you like it or not, believe
it or not, we are just fighting for the rights of our fallen members – fallen,
meaning died because of unrealistic reasons, like the unresolved Hacienda
Luisita Massacre where people have tried to defend their belongings but
ended being showered with bullets caused by the dishonorable Aquinos, I
always cry whenever we watch the exact happening in the firing – our fallen
comrades were like rats being battered and shot by the army (no wonder I
have no respect on people who don’t respect the weak). Another one is the
very controversial MAMASAPANO massacre where a number of journalists
were attacked and shot to dead, they were helpless, nothing to fight with but
their courage and might, and so they ended being dead and buried –
because of it, we went to Ateneo de Naga University to join the annual
Lunduyan and mourn for the death of our members. I admit that at some
point, it was scary, for we might get hit and shot to dead, but we weren’t –
and I thank God for it.
Fighting for one’s right is not anymore new to me – that although I will
be judged, crushed and mistreated for it, I still go for it – because we will all
die anyway. If I die today, then so be it. Atleast, I gave a shot in making other
people happy because of my deeds (for fighting for them).
I am always perplexed though why people come and go. That
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everytime I get attach to someone, s/he will just use my vulnerability and
eventually get out of my life without paying gratitude with what I have done
– well, “Thanks” isn’t really enough, but “good deeds” is. I would like to share
some of the not-so-rebellious things I do, because I think I am a good person
too.
Yes. I have 5 exes. 1 from Narvacan and 4 from San Esteban. This
may be the reason why it is hard to believe in love already, that true love for
us in the third sex does not exist. Being played upon and crushed is our main
role in the community. But I do not regret being with them because they were
the reasons why I realized my role as a lover.
My first is from San Pablo. He was 4th year HS and I was 1st year
college. I thought he was the real deal, because I didn’t realize that love is in
the air. But I think I haven’t enjoyed much of my first since we weren’t able
to see each other everyday – the longest we were with each other was their
JS Prom and it was in the evening – but we didn’t have sex. Well, I wasn’t
ready for it yet though.
My second is from Cabaroan. He was 4th year HS and I was 2nd year
college but our ages are not that edgy (far from each other). He was sweet
and gentle, and caring. I remember the time when we had a date during the
town fiesta – well, ofcourse, me not being famous because I didn’t graduate
here is a huge advantage because it does not matter if people will see us,
they don’t know me anyway. It was the first time that I had lied beside my
behalf, and it was satisfying – talking about what we have done in the day,
and making the most out of the night (but no sex, ofcourse!). I was not a fan
of basketball, well until now, I am not, but if you are in a relationship with a
basketball player, well you should cheer for him!!! That’s why I always go to
his games and cheer him up. But we ended our relationship, January 1st of
the proceeding year, because he actually said that I am a warfreak! Ouch!
My third is from Villa Quirino. And there’s nothing I can recall but I
always go to their house, and play. That’s all.
My fourth was a flawlessly handsome and astonishing guy from
Narvacan. He was the best, I mean, among the rest of my exes. He had a
twin sister, whom was my spy whenever we get into trouble. I miss
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everything, I miss the rides, I miss him giving me a ride to the court where I
play volleyball and him getting me and giving me a ride back to the outpost.
I miss watching him play basketball. I miss our videochats everynight.
Actually, I miss everything about him. I remember the time when we
quarreled because I was chatting with his friend, flirting to be exact. They got
into a fight because of me, and I felt so embarrassed because of it – well in
fact, they are not friends anymore. But I never dreamt of being with him
anymore, because we agreed to part and separate – no pain and no hatred.
Well yes, he is Aaron, the guy who visited me last October 15, 2019. So
memorable. So satisfying.
My latest is from Apatot. But I don’t want to talk about him because he
is too good to be accused of stealing a heart of an innocent gay and crushing
it with his bare hands. Well, atleast I can say that he was a dickhead. That’s
all.
But wait. I haven’t said that I slept with a guy who is from Ansad when
I was 2nd year high school, and he was 1st year. His parents were shocked
seeing us go out from his room the next day. It was so embarrassing, but
very memorable, that everytime I meet the person, I always remember the
time we slept together.
Yes. I am single at the moment. Well in fact, most people think that I
am not, but I really am. I’m just feeling the fresh breath of being single, but
sometimes, I think that I am not worthy to be loved because not even a single
man tries to message me. Why? Am I too beautiful to be not loved?
I learned a lot from my experiences in love life. That’s why I keep a
small circle of friends. People think that I am an outgoing person, someone
who is extrovert – but take note, I am more of an introvert than an extrovert.
And whether you like it or not, some people tell that they are your friends and
they are true to you, but they are truer to themselves than to what they say
to you.
It’s more than you. It’s more than me. That’s how friendship is, atleast
how I perceive about it. True friendship for me, is in the clouds, trust that is
being built through time and experience with each other, care that is molded
with courage that can devour all pain and sorrows, and most of all love that
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is beyond control. I have so many people with me, but I already consider few
as my friends.
As they say, some people are only close to you for what you can give
to the table, but once you ran out of flesh, they will escape and go away from
you – those aren’t friends, they are mere parasites to our lives – and as
science have said, if you let the parasites feed from you, you will feel pain
and eventually die. So I think, those people should die first and we should
kill them, so that they won’t anymore hurt anybody.
Some people are only there when you are at your highest, but will
never be seen at your lowest. Those are the shadows from the naked past.
Why? Because you can never see your shadows in your darkest hours. They
will rejoice and be happy for what you can achieve, but they won’t be there
to guide you whenever you have done something wrong or you have failed
in many things in life.
There are so many types of friends that I can’t even remember the
others anymore. That’s why I only stick to people whom I can trust my life to,
not my secrets to. Why? My secrets are not that really secretive, that’s why
I spill them, but my life? Too precious to give to people who won’t even dare
to hug me in front of other people because I am gay.
I didn’t say that I am the perfect kind of friend everyone should have,
because we all have taste. Only that, some of us tastes the bitterness of the
bitter gourd rather than the sweetness of the Magic Sarap. I have no regrets
being the worst person that a person could ever meet, simply because it will
only tell them not to follow the footsteps of an evil and rebellious person like
me. Well yes, I am too bad to be an inspiration for people, and I am to dumb
to be with people who can be the future of the nation and make them the
trash of yesterday.
I just thought of it. That somehow, I don’t deserve to be a friend for
anyone. I am that kind of friend who wishes for a friend’s downfall, a friend
who wishes my friend not to be seen by many people, a friend who always
tries to talk a lot of shitty things with others. Maybe, I am too bad to be
someone like that, but behind all of those are very different reasons why I
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am such. I am wishing for someone’s downfall for him not to be high, and to
be ignorant about what he has done in life – that somewhat whenever my
friends garnered something, they’d learn not to wear their crown but their
crown wearing them. In short, I want them to be humble despite of the many
successes they have accomplished, and I learned to be humble, always. I
don’t want them to be seen by many people, since it might cause them to
forget me – I know, people come and go, but real friends won’t – and if they
go, I’ll let them, it may be hard for me to accept, but they aren’t my real friends
anyway. And I talk to them with shitty things, because everyone has a not-
so-bad side.
I have been such an evil-ish, deviant-ish, and good-ish friend. That at
some point, I am hated and some, loved. It may be too ‘feeling’ but to be a
person with deep emotions is hard but satisfying. With what I have
experienced in life, and what I am experiencing, I learned that money isn’t
the real deal in life but helping other people. Maybe, some of you are
wondering why I learn to give my fair share of financial aid to some people
and I shall tell you.
As I have said before, I am a DOST Scholar graduate. I have received
more than hundreds of thousands from the department, received invaluable
awards and seminars because of it. Who am I, not to share what it has given
me? For I won’t be here telling you my story if it weren’t for DOST. I chose
people not only because it will ease their financial burden, but because I
firmly believe that they might, someday (if I die), be the next me. A
philanthropist who wishes to help other people to be successful in the future.
Making the best in life is such a memory to go back to and reminisce.
But I like to take a shot with what I have now, with the few people I can hold
on and share my problems with. The next? Who knows? It might be you and
me, together.
Take me to the moon, oh dear!
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