It’s me again…

Life is a roller-coaster ride, a play where no one could predict who will
emerge as the winner.
A threatening roll of a die.
A chance to take a shot on the grounds.
Standing up from a breakdown.
Breaking a leg on a show.
Choosing either of two paths.
Taking the consequences of the phoenix.
Emerging to be on top.
Life is an inevitable change of forever.
But in my last curtain call, I realized that there are two types of death. The
death of the living and the death of life.

I remember all the things that have been done in my life just to make me
who I am today. Experiences molded me, struggles whom I have defeated
and were my chances of rising above the ashes of disgrace and
disappointment. I ain’t really sure of the things that I wanted to say on this
piece of work, but I want to share my life experiences which has been my
weapon in life.

“Drifting through, envisioning full societal democracy,” is my philosophy in

life. In only means, I want to go with the flow of life, until I become
someone who would be the key to democratic and free life of people. I
wanted to be a factor of change in the society full of prejudicated people,
lurking around and observing other’s flaws and sharing false information
to others. I never wanted to deviate my being from what I want to do, but
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sometimes, what I do is my happiness and my happiness is my worst
setback.

My teacher, in my elementary schooling, once asked us of what we want

to become when we get older. I was so certain that I wanted to be a
teacher for I loved how my teachers have taught me of the knowledge,
and especially the values they have imparted. However, when I stepped
in highschool, everything changed, from to becoming a teacher, I wanted
to be an accountant – I wanted to because of peer influence, since that
they are all intelligent in Mathematics and analysis, I wanted to become
like them. Yes, I entered accountancy first before enrolling to secondary
education, mathematics. Well, many have thought that my life is so well-
defined that I never have been worried about my future, but I was always
been scared of not being able to reach out the expectations that I have
set for myself. This time, I wanted to share some realities of me, that I
never have brought out.

Well yes, it was on third grade that I realized that I am far something
different, I have chosen the path of being away on the list of genders the
state has included. I was afraid to be adjudged by my fellow, and was
scared to voice out since those were the times when gays were still the
“salot ng lipunan.” When I was in the 1st grade, I was few meters away
from death, a 10-wheeled truck almost struck and took away my life – I
was so scared. I was judged because I am the son of a municipal
employee, and I was part of the top 5, 2nd to be exact. But things have
changed when I was in grade 6. Reality came crashing my head when I
knew that I wasn’t able to hold the 2nd place, I didn’t enjoy the last fleeting
moments of my elementary since I never went to any single practice for
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our graduation. Only then, I realized that I have to accept the truth that I
failed in elementary, I failed to sustain my goal. It is one of my major
setbacks.

I moved over. High school was a stiff neck, I had to budget a 100-peso bill
inclusive of my travel, snacks, and lunch. I came to my school being an
honorable mention, but a lightning struck me to death when I saw my
grade in science, it was as low as 76.25. I was in doubt, I doubted myself
– that I have even said that I deserve not to be in the honor roll. I wanted
to prove myself, during my 1st year, I fought for the treasury office since
my teacher said that I could lead the school – and yet, I lost. Losing was
always my end game. 1st year, 2nd year, 3rd year weren’t my years –
although I learned a lot – and I only had 1 line of 7, 1st year – 1st grading.
Fourth year was a splash, I became a CAT officer, and graduated with
honors – my parents were so happy although I only am the 27th on the list.
From 3rd to 27th, well, that was a 24-deficit in the list.

I enrolled accountancy, it was my greatest heartbreak. A 500-peso

allowance a week is never easy. I had to stop studying because I feel I
am a failure of life, I went to Baguio City, to be a maid for a friend, I made
her assignments, projects and everything. I enjoyed being there, that I
almost have forgotten about the reality that I have to face when I go back
home. I was given 500 pesos in every month, and was promised to be
given salary. I was a cleaner, a dishwasher, a laundry-washer, maker of
things out of the blue. For three months, I have experienced even the
worst, worst I mean, I had to endure the pain of watching my friends be
happy, and I being their maid – but not only that, I enjoyed in their
company, being their joker and the one who needs to listen to the scolds
of her parent. I went back home with nothing but an experience, and the
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salary they said? Nothing but a joke.

Well. Going back is the best thing I had done. I enrolled secondary
education – mathematics. Yes, my allowance was 50 pesos a day
inclusive of fare, and foods. My fare was 20 pesos, back and forth, 30
pesos was my budget for snacks and lunch. I had to ask 5 pesos from
everyone I bump to just to augment my financial needs.

In my first year, I was accused for stealing the phone of my classmate,

well in fact I had two phones, a blackberry and an alcatel. I never have
thought that being suspected of stealing someone’s phone is a part of my
journey in life. I had no choice but to defend myself in a place I have never
been to and was new to me. Well, ofcourse, I struggled a bit since I had
to adjust in the situation, but I did defend myself.

I thought second year was my breakout, I was chosen as the main

character in our drama-speech choir. I became a part of the department’s
association officers. It was a fulfilling moment that I never have thought of
the possibilities of falling. I entered an organization not accredited as other
organizations, the College Editors Guild of the Philippines (CEGP), where
I joined rallies and others just to fight for the right of journalists. Take note,
CEGP is in the watchlist of the PNP – and I am a part of it. Then came,
the election for the Supreme Student Council, my teachers pushed me to
join and be elected – but I lost to 2 points. It was heartbreaking because I
failed my teachers.

Third year. With so much expectations from myself, my teachers and my

family, I had to live a life chained with the reality that I had to be the best.
But thanks to my classmates and friends, it was an enjoyable moment. It
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was the best year in my college life. It was the year when I never wanted
to grow up, and wanted to stop time – because in this year, I was able to
join and win Regional, National competitions on Journalism,
Extemporaneous Speech, Essay Writing, Speech Choir, Debate, and
others. I was so proud of myself. And the best thing that happened, is the
plot twist in my financial story. I passed the DOST JLSS examination, 1 of
the 5 scholars from Region 1 who passed, and 1 of the 500 in the entire
nation. I was certain that I have the guts to pass the examination, but I
didn’t believe it until I have known the results. This time, I didn’t anymore
ask money from my friends and parents because 5 000 allowance a month
is so much fulfilling in my part. But, ofcourse, as they say, everything ends.
And so did 3rd year.

Last year in college, it was perspiring, I continued to compete in national

competitions but failed in many things. I failed the school who paid
thousands just to send me to different places. But not all competitions.
Honestly, it was the best of the naughtiness as a student. We drank liquor
inside the classroom, and we gambled and played cards – but time came
when we were nabbed by our dean. They said that they will remove all the
awards and honors of those who gambled and drank, but luckily they
didn’t. This year is research year for me, for I was able to bag the Best in
Research of the entire system – defeating hundreds of researchers in the
defense. I was so proud of myself. But this year isn’t my debate year – I
was pinpointed to be the reason why we lost in our debate competition,
knowing that I was hailed as the Best Speaker and Best Interpellator. And
the saddest part of it, graduation. Well yes, I was so proud of myself – I
graduated MCL and the Valedictorian of our batch – God knocked me with
this blessing like playing darts and getting bullseye. I was also given
various awards and I wanted to shout it to the world that for once, I am not
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anymore a failure. March 31, 2016.

I never figured out what to do next since I had to fulfill my duty with DOST,
to be immediately hired as a teacher after graduation. But, these blessings
that God has been giving me is a truckload, May 2016 the Division Office
of Ilocos Sur called and said that I will pass requirements and be
immediately hired in DepEd. I never applied, I just passed. Without any
license to provide, I was hired as a teacher and been deployed. I was so
happy and contented. September 2016, I had to take my board
examination. I took the exam at MMSU Laoag and was so nervous that I
might fail. November of the same year, I have seen my name on the list
of passers but not on the top-notchers. I felt so bad although I passed. I
failed my teachers who were hoping that I will ace the exam and be a part
of the top 10, I failed my parents who wanted me to be in the list, I failed
myself.

Then one day, I knocked myself on the wall, and I woke up – why am I still
living with my expectations and why can’t I just live, free from expectations
and rumors around. I tried to be free from expectations, and I loved it.

Well yes. I don’t mind expectations from others and even myself. I only
live with what I have, and who I am. No attachments and others. Living
away from expectations has made me productive. I was chosen as a
Habitat Young Leadership Build Academy trainer by the Habitat for
Humanity, an International Organization. I was chosen as one of the 3
Regional Patriot Scholars of the Nation for Region 1. Chosen as a trainer,
lecturer. I was also chosen as the Young Achiever Awardee of my school.
Been invited to Regional and National competitions. And I live a life of
fulfillment although ofcourse I am not happy everytime.
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Pain kills me. Pain from peers, from students, from my child, from
everyone in the world – but I hide this pain just to be seen smiling and
laughing – because this is what people know about me. I don’t want
people to see me sad because I think they see me as weak and
vulnerable, but I really am fragile and easy to break. But I learned to hide
it and burst out when needed. One time I am scrolling the social media, I
have seen posts of respect, respect on student athletes because they play
for the school, respect for the writers because they make the school proud
– I pondered on it, I was a student athlete, a journalist, a writer, a regional
and national winner, a leader, but what’s the point of all of that when I am
still disrespected and not loved, just because I am gay. I am not sorry for
being such, I am sorry because I am to weak to confine my emotions, I
am so emotional, and freakish. I always ask myself why I end up being
the loser every time I get to have a chance of meeting new people.

Well atleast, I have learned that it does not matter what you look like, you
may be thin or fat, ugly or handsome, man or gay, but what matters is the
size of our hearts and the strength of our character.

I learned in life that we need to fail and fall down, to stand and rise up.
Because if we don’t fall, there’s no more reason to stand on the ground. I
failed many times in life, but I didn’t stop, I learned from these failures and
made them my inspiration in teaching. However, it feels that I am not fit
anymore to teach the future of the society which molded me and shaped
me to be the better version of myself. It feels like I am not anymore holding
the virtue of professionalism. I don’t have any plans yet in the future, I
want to hold on with the present and live. I am not happy with what I do
anymore. I am not the type of person whom I have planned and dreamed
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of. I am a failure. I am not anymore happy being a teacher.

And as an endnote. I always remember what my teacher asked us of what
we want to be when we grow up. I should have not answered either
teacher or accountant. Now I realized, that I should have said, When I
grow up, I want to be happy.