Ain’t certain but happy

The world may seem too vague and subtle for me understand who am I to live
in it. What things do I have to do to make others believe that I am a ‘for keeps’ type
of person. At the end of the day, I always reflect on the things I do and I end up
thinking of emptiness and dullness. I never have thought of having an impact on
other people, that I am only an accessory to their daily living, and has never really a
matter to them.

At this point it time, I really do not know where I belong, like I should never
have awakened each day that God has given because I cannot even find my real
purpose in life. One time, I almost gave up everything and just be nothing to the
world – it was one of my worst moments in life – too embarrassing that I couldn’t
even dare to see myself in the mirror. At those moments that I realize that I am really
nothing to the world.

Happiness. The word that keeps circling my mind everytime I am sad – that
when will I be truly happy when everything in my life sucks? That in all aspect of life
is a misery and I am the culprit of all the uncertainty and the worsening of the people
in my circle.

Lovelife. What word is that? Does that exist in real time? I always knew that it would
be hard for me to have someone by my side (called as a lover) because of my insipid
and tactless shitness. Yes, there may be some people who led me to who I am today
in terms of my emotional well-being, but believe me, they only had made the worse
of me. Being maltreated and discriminated by people made me believe that I
shouldn’t believe in that word. Everytime that I get attached to someone, there is this
preemptive feeling that I shouldn’t be dating anybody because he’s just one of the
balderdash and nonsensical people who lured my feelings and dropped me when I
fell.

I know I have no fight against others. I know that I am too vulnerable to be truly
loved, too skeptic to be accepted, and too ugly to be seen. And most certainly, I have
no fight on girls – I put a good fight before but I realized that there is no sense of
fighting for a one-sided love, why fight for someone who never were mine?
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Family. People believed that we are a happy, wealthy family. A family that has no
problems at all. But every family has a problem, and that I think shouldn’t be known
by everybody. There are many things that run in my mind everytime I draw lots and
find out that family is the best aspect that I can relate my topic to – because I know
that many of the students could relate to the topic because everyone has their own
problems in the four corners of their homes. I can’t even share anything at all to
anyone, but when I tried, everyone listened, but I thought it would be my breakaway
from the things that keep bothering me at home, but it is not.

I thought the people who have known me for some point in their life and mingled with
me, and whom I have shared my experience in life with would make me feel that I
am enough as a part of their pseudo-family, but I never thought I will never be.

Work. I knew that teaching is my passion and devotion, but that was in the past.
Yes,I haven’t found out who I really was in terms of the things I will be doing in the
future: that I still want to lurk in the moment and sneak a peek of the things I should
have been doing if I never tried entering this profession. Isn’t it cliché when we
believed that we are doing the best in our lives in our 20s and yet here I am still
thinking of what I will be doing the next days and years of my so-called-best-decade-
in-life?

I know that some people tire on what I do at work, especially my students, because
of the things that I let them do, and the things I do to them. I don’t feel terrible
because of doing it, I just feel exhausted because despite of the things that I do for
them – gratitude is only a word uttered and not an action observed. But as they, do
things without expecting anything in return – however, isn’t that a bullcrap? Simply
because why do things that won’t even have an impact to their lives, and them using
what they have learned in life? Some things in life really are not satisfying.

I know that I am really not enough to people, that whatever I do will never be
enough to make them happy. I am not certain of what should be done as of the
moment, be done in the future and should have been done in the past. I believe that
I still a stranger to the world. However, atleast, I am giving a shot in life.
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