Running head: HOW DEATH AFFECTS INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

How Death Affects Interpersonal Relationships

Tristin L Evans

The College of Southern Idaho

For COMM 102 – Interpersonal Communication

Mark Wasden

09 April 2019
HOW DEATH AFFECTS INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

How Death Affects Interpersonal Relationships

When it comes to relationships ending, they could do so in many different ways. It

usually does not happen all at once, it goes through stages such as differentiating,

circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, then eventually terminating the relationship all together.

This termination could happen all at once and the relationship ends in “sudden death”, or the end

of the relationship could be prolonged and eventually “pass away”. These are two common ways

that a relationship ends, and it is usually known by how the communication in the relationship

differs, however, there is one other way that a relationship may end. This is when one of the

partners literally passes away. There is not much research on how this could affect an

interpersonal relationship.

Whether it be with a spouse, a friend, even a child, it is difficult to know what death does

to communication among the different people. Obviously, the communication ends, but how

does the spouse talk about or deal with the death? How does it affect them? Do they seek help

from others? Latch onto their social groups? How about the family, how do they talk about it?

How do the friends of the person that died talk about death? How do they deal with it? How does

it affect them? It is very difficult to know because everyone is different, however there have been

some studies done on how death could affect a relationship.

When it comes to the death of a spouse, that relationship, as well as the relationships

around the couple are greatly affected. Often when one dies, the widow/widower tends to latch

onto their social groups to help cope and deal with the loss of their loved one. In a study done by

Cohen and Stamp (2016) they state, “maintaining social roles and ties and feeling socially

connected can serve as protective factors when coping with a death-loss” (p.240). They start to

cling onto to their social groups because that is what is normal and provides them comfort and a
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way to cope with their loss in a healthier way. When they go and spend time with their social

groups it might even be a way to keep their loved one in memory and alive at heart. They might

even do what they did with their loved one that has passed. In one study by d’Epinay, Cavalli,

and Spini (2003), they state, “people often make up for the disappearance of their spouse by

strengthening their relationships with friends and their social participation” (p.268).

Another study done by Hooghe, Neimeyer, and Rober (2011) states, “the sharing of grief

experiences with others is important for the bereaved individual as it contributes to receiving the

validation and social support for one’s loss” (p.907). It is very crucial for those around the one

who just experienced the loss to have love and support from the people around them. Most often

these people have just lost the one who means the most to them and that they went to for

everything. With this loss of connection, they have now lost a source of communication. When

one has people that are supporting them, they are able to fill that gap and help them cope with all

the emotions and stress that follow and are held in since the death.

In the same study by Cohen and Stamp (2016), they talk about how the buildup of

emotions can hurt their relationships that they make or that they are trying to keep. They state,

“the buildup of stress and emotion can cause added stress, as well as hinder one’s ability to

maintain meaningful and satisfying interpersonal relationships” (p.240). When they are not able

to release some of the stress and emotions, they are feeling to those around them, it can really be

harmful to the person who just experienced the loss. They are not able to begin coping with it

because they cannot talk about the loss. When they have these social groups and they really lean

on them, it helps them greatly to talk and be supported by them. This is the same when it comes

to a family who have experienced the loss.

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When a family experiences a loss of a loved one, it often creates a lot of stress amongst

the family’s relationships. If the family decides to take all this stress or anger out on each other it

can cause a gap between their relationships. Often when this happens it is due to jealousy or

regrets. However, talking amongst each other can help alleviate those barriers which can then

bring their family back together. Talk of the one who is departed is a very sensitive and touchy

subject, but it is something that can create a stronger relationship amongst the family. One study

done by Pennington (2013) states that, “rather than severing all ties, the bereaved finds way to

renegotiate and understand their relationship with the deceased now that they have passed on”

(p.618). The individuals in the family are able to evaluate and remember the relationship that

they have with the loved one that passed.

They are also able to maintain these relationships when they are sharing and telling

stories about the one that passed. When they are sharing these stories and memories it helps the

family cope with some of the pain and stress while growing closers to one another. In a study

done by Hooghe, Neimeyer, and Rober (2011) it states, “shared stories can bring family

members closer together, create stronger bonds, and enhance their sense of togetherness and

relational intimacy” (p.907). Through these stories the family is able to remember who that

family member was and what they lived by therefore strengthening their relationships amongst

each other. When family members are able to speak to those that knew the one that has passed on

the best it is able to help their relationship flourish and allows them to deal with the death.

Keeping memories alive enables the whole family to be able to better deal with the loss and build

their family bond. When someone passes whether it is a spouse, family member or friend it can

be very hard for each person dealing with the loss even if it was just a friend.
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It is extremely hard for a person to overcome the death of a friend, even if they were not

that close of friends. According to Pennington (2013) people, “who are at least somewhat

attached to the deceased post-death, grief can remain a part of their life several years after the

one has died” (p.618). The memory of that person lasts a long time. The person could continue to

relive all the things they did or the conversations they had with their friend who has passed. This

in the end continues the relationship that those friends had by just simply remembering that

person. They would dwell on that person and do what they could to keep their memory alive

which could in a way revive their relationship and keep it strong even though the person has

passed on. In the same study by Pennington (2013), she states, “the relationship formed between

two people does not end with death” (p.619). Even though the person is dead, it does not mean

that their relationship ends, which could make it hard or relieve a little bit of the pain for the

person who lost their friend. There are a few different things that a friend can do to continue the

bond with the person who has passed away.

In a study done by Stein et. al in (2018), they found that when someone loses a close

friend, they find different ways to keep the relationship that they had with that person going.

Stein et. al (2018) states, “contemporary theories of grief and bereavement suggest the

importance of continuing bonds in coping and adapting to the death of a loved one” (p.726).

They fall into three different categories of trying to continue their relationship. These categories

are, Personal Connections, Personal Change, and Homage Activities.

The first category is Personal Connections. Personal Connections are, “accounts of

communicating directly with the deceased friend and/or sensing the presences of the friend”

(p.729). This means that the friend who is still alive, talks to the person who is passed. They do

this by sometimes literally talking out loud to this person. They could be in their room, at the
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cemetery, anywhere that they could verbally talk to the person even when they are not there.

They often do this when they are in stressful situations or in times of distress. Sometimes they

even write their friend to make it seem like they are actually talking to the person and feeling the

person with them. A lot of people reported that they have direct communication with the friend

that has passed away. They often claim that when they do this, they are able to feel a physical

presence of the person in their lives still. This helps them maintain their relationship because

they are still talking to the person as if they are still there. Even though the conversation is only

one-sided, they are still able to feel as if they are talking to that person and that the person who is

passed is still there for them and listening to them. This helps the relationship stay strong

because in a way it is as if nothing has changed.

The second category is Personal Change. Personal Change is, “descriptions of changes

that they experienced their values and/or sense of personal identity as a result of their friendship

with the deceased person” (p.729). This essentially means that they change things about

themselves, such as their values, because of the deceased one and how they lived. They often do

this by figuring out what was important to their friend when they were alive. They are moved by

their friend’s qualities and begin to try to integrate those attributes that they loved about that

person, into their own lives. When someone loses someone, they are so close to, they become a

part of that person and a part of their personality. When they lose that person, they lose apart of

themselves. So, to help them cope, they begin to integrate the other person’s values and their

outlook on life into their own. They say that it is like a “wake up call”, which helped them

appreciate life and helped them value personal safety more. It also helps them appreciate what

they have and what they have been given a lot more after they experience a loss.
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This helps the person feel so close to that person and helps their relationship because they

always have a part of that person with them. They take their values and incorporate it in their

life, which helps them feel close to the deceased person still. This also could help the person who

experienced the loss, develop closer relationships to the people they have in their lives. They

cling on to those around them because they experienced such a loss and want to make sure they

are cherishing what they have. In the same study, it states, “that they altered their interactions

with others due to the death of their friend” (p.732). They hold onto the people in their lives a

little tighter because of what they have experienced with the passing of a close friend which

helps their relationships grow also.

The third and final category that people fall into when they are trying to keep a

relationship alive is Homage Activities. Homage Activities are, “activities performed by people

with the goal of honoring their friend to maintain a continued connection” (p.729). They pay

tribute to their friend who passed and often share the tribute with others. They often honor them

in personal and private ways when they are participating in these different activities. These

different activities could be going to places that remind them of their passed friend or collecting

things that remind them of their deceased friend. This helps build their relationship because they

are able to remember their friend as they are participating in these various activities. Also, when

they share the tribute with others, they are able to build relationships with those around them.

They are growing closer with those around them because of things that they may have shared

with the person who died. They build relationships with all those that may have known the

person who died by doing something together that remembers them. However, when it comes to

the social groups of a person who has experienced a loss, it is not easy on their relationships.
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The social groups of someone who has lost a loved one, is not always supportive.

Pennington (2013) states, “it is also difficult to receive social support from your own network of

friends who are not also grieving or have not experienced grief, given that popular culture

presumes you are supposed to “move on” and get past grief after a certain period of time”

(p.619). They are going through this loss, but they have none of their friends to support them

because they may not understand, or they do not know what to say to this person. They may have

never experienced the death of a loved one, so they do not really know how to help this person

who is hurting. They also do not really realize that this person is hurting because their life has

not changed at all. Even a little ways down the road, they may not realize that this person is still

hurting and needs their social group to lean on. This could really hurt these relationships because

the person who is going through the loss may get upset at the person for not being there for them

when they need it the most. This is also similar when it comes to the social support of the death

of a friend.

In a study done by Liu, Forbat, and Anderson (2018), it states that, “grieving the death of

a friend is an experience which receives less social support because the relationship is of lower

status than kin. Non-kin grief may not be openly acknowledged or expressed, and the

psychological or physical impacts of the grief may be regarded as illegitimate” (p.2/17). Since

the death that they are experiencing is not the death of a close loved one, people are not as

supportive of them and the things they are experiencing. They believe that is something they just

need to “get over” because the person was not family. They are not supportive of this person

because they do not believe that the death should affect them as much as it is. This could really

put a lot of stress on a relationship. The person who is going through the loss is not getting the

support they need because their support group does not think it is a big deal. The relationship
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will soon be wrecked because they are not doing what a friend should or needs to do. Even

though they believe it is not as harmful to a person because they are not direct family, in the

same article it states that, “friendship may mimic that of kinship” (p.2/17). This means that the

person that they lost could be just as meaningful to them as their family members. This also

means that they would need just as much social support because it is the same experience.

There are many different ways that a relationship can end. There are steps that most

relationships follow when they are beginning to end, or, there is death that stops the relationship

all together. This is very harmful to the relationships that the deceased person had. It also greatly

affects the relationships that the person who is experiencing the loss has. When a spouse loses

their loved one, they lean on their social groups and create stronger relationships with them by

being more involved and coping with the loss. Families who are dealing with the loss of a loved

one commonly experience situations where their relationships fall apart because they are all

angry and sad. Families are also able to create stronger relationships with the other family

members by sharing experiences and memories of the person who has passed. When it comes to

someone losing a friend, they often do three different things in attempt to keep the relationship

alive. They experience personal connection, personal change, and homage activities. Often times

when someone loses a friend, they do not have the support from their social groups. Their social

groups do not think that they are going to be that sad because they just lost a friend, not a family

member. This causes a lot of tension in their relationships because the person who is going

through the loss does not feel like their friends are there for them and supporting them. Death

greatly affects each personal relationship that a person may have. Whether that is a first-hand

experience with the death of a loved one or the death of a close friend or being a friend of

someone that may be experiencing the loss of someone. It greatly affects every interpersonal
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relationship because you lose complete interaction with someone and that is extremely difficult

no matter who it is.

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References

Cohen, H., & Samp, J. A. (2018). Grief communication: Exploring disclosure and avoidance

across the developmental spectrum. Western Journal of Communication, 82(2), 238–257.

https://doi-org.ezproxy.csi.edu:2443/10.1080/10570314.2017.1326622

Hooghe, A., Neimeyer, R., & Rober, P. (2011). The complexity of couple communication in

bereavement: An illustrative case study. Death Studies, 35(10), 905–924. https://doi-

org.ezproxy.csi.edu:2443/10.1080/07481187.2011.553335

Lalive d’Epinay, C. J., Cavalli, S., & Spini, D. (2003). The death of a loved one: Impact on

health and relationships in very old age. Omega: Journal of Death & Dying, 47(3), 265–

284. https://doi-org.ezproxy.csi.edu:2443/10.2190/3GMV-PGL9-UD68-NEKW

Liu, W.-M., Forbat, L., & Anderson, K. (2019). Death of a close friend: Short and long-term

impacts on physical, psychological and social well-being. PLoS ONE, 14(4), 1–17.

https://doi-org.ezproxy.csi.edu:2443/10.1371/journal.pone.0214838

Pennington, N. (2013). You don’t de-friend the dead: An analysis of grief communication by

college students through facebook profiles. Death Studies (Vol. 37, pp. 617–635).

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