Text from my initial A comment or The change(s) I How this change

WP question I received made to what I impacts my paper:

submission:(Note (from initially wrote:
which WP) whom/where?)

WP2: Different Peer: She thought that I added a striking fact

disciplines view the my hook was not very Sunscreen, one of the in order to appeal to
topic of sunscreen in strong and needed most skipped steps in my reader’s sense of
different ways. more to hook the a skincare routine, is emotion to keep on
reader in. the most important reading about
step in order to save sunscreen,
your life. Different
disciplines view the
topic of sunscreen in
different ways.

WP2: In comparison Rachel: + “ so what”? My thesis is much

to biology, chemistry You still need a thesis In comparison to clearer and now states
focuses heavily on the biology, chemistry an argument for my
chemicals within focuses heavily on the entire paper.
sunscreen whereas chemicals within
biology concentrates sunscreen to explain
on how sunscreen their ideas to other
affects the skin. chemists whereas
biology concentrates
on how sunscreen
affects the skin to
other biologists as
well as common
readers.

WP2: Within this Rachel: Passive voice This essay introduces The change to active
essay, the disciplines the disciplines of voice in this sentence
of chemistry and chemistry and makes the statement
biology are biology. clearer and stronger
introduced. in what I am trying to
convey.

WP2: Without Rachel: You seem to Deleted the section These few sentences
sunscreen, people can stray away from your added more about my
develop skin cancer textual analysis and topic rather than
called melanoma. are talking about the about the analysis of
Melanoma is caused topic instead the disciplines which
by UVA and UVB was what the prompt
rays from the sun and asked for to make the
destroying the skin’s entire paragraph
cells. They undergo clearer.
uncontrolled cell
division and the
cancer begins to
form. Even with the
use of sunscreen, the
chemicals within it
can manage to enter
the bloodstream.

WP2: He then shows I thought that the These diagrams show The evidence better
another schematic on evidence needed that biologists care backs up my
the specific layers the more analysis on how mostly about the argument on how
sunscreen goes biologists use visuals of the skin, biologists want to
through and how it is diagrams to portray like the surface and clearly portray their
eliminated from the their thoughts. just below, rather thoughts on sunscreen
body (10). than what reactions to their audience.
take place in the skin.

WP2: A question a I thought that the For instance, a The addition of a

chemist could ask is sentence needed a question a chemist transition adds a
what are the better transition could ask is what are better flow to the
chemicals within between the two the chemicals within sentences and
sunscreen and what thoughts. sunscreen and what connects the two
do they do? do they do? thoughts clearly.

WP2: Some of the I thought that I Some of the The addition of

chemicals can be needed more analysis chemicals can be analysis on what a
recognizable by a on why this recognizable by a reader would do with
common person who knowledge would be common person who the common
has some knowledge important to a has some knowledge information offers
in skincare products, common person. in skincare products, more information on
like “Vitamin C” and like “Vitamin C” and what the audience of
“Vitamin E” (Afonso “Vitamin E” (Afonso the chemists would
et al.). et al.). This think as they read the
observation is meant article.
for readers to get a
better sense of what
kinds of products can
stabilize avobenzone
and look for these
common ingredients
 for their own
research. Readers can
buy the right
sunscreen products
based on the
information they
already know and
learn about new
ingredients that they
can now search for in
other products.

WP2: The chemists Rachel: Add a quote The chemists I added the specific
highlight the main on what kind of highlight the main types of chemicals
chemicals that do chemicals chemicals that do and cited them. I also
provide the most provide stabilization, added analysis on the
stabilization, but still like “Span® 60” and trademark of each of
do not describe the “Nipagin®,” but still the chemicals to
structures within do not describe the strengthen my
them for easier structures within argument.
understanding for a them (Afonso et al).
typical reader. Because of the
registered trademark
name for the
ingredients, typical
readers nor chemists
can understand what
the chemical is unless
they have worked
with it at some point.

WP2: They explain I thought that after They explain what This addition
what goes in in the mentioning the goes in in the graphs provides more
graphs in great detail, graphs that I needed in great detail, analysis on how
however, most of the to expand more on however, most of the chemists portray their
details would not be the thought on how details would not be thoughts on sunscreen
known to someone the graphs affect the known to someone and how the reader
who has not taken a readers. who has not taken a reacts to what is
few chemistry classes few chemistry classes presented to them.
or is a chemist or is a chemist
themselves. themselves. Line
graphs are much more
difficult to interpret
because they are of
quantitative measure.
There are no clear
 visuals and pictures
of what is truly being
depicted in the graph
the way they are
shown in González’s
book, making it more
difficult for a typical
reader to understand
what is illustrated on
the graph. Overall,
the chemistry side of
sunscreen presents
obstacles for readers
to grasp a better
understanding of
sunscreens.

WP2: Ultimately, I thought that my Ultimately, the My conclusion is

biology highlights the conclusion was a little discipline of biology clearer and ends less
features of skin with unclear and needed to highlights the features abruptly with
and without the use of conclude my paper of skin with and smoother transitions
sunscreen while better without the use of and a better recap at
chemistry hones in on sunscreen while the end.
the chemicals within chemistry hones in on
the sunscreen for the chemicals within
protection from the the sunscreen for
sun’s rays. A protection from the
biologist will sun’s rays. Chemists
consider more provide data that may
physical aspects of not be as
the sunscreen product understandable to
while chemists focus readers as it would be
on the calculations in presented by a
order to satisfy what biologist through
the biologist says that their complicated
the product needs to terminology.
have. Chemists Biologists consider
provide data that may the more physical
not be as aspects of the
understandable to sunscreen product
readers as it would be while chemists focus
presented by a on the calculations in
biologist through order to satisfy what
their complicated the biologist says that
terminology. They the product needs to
intertwine in the have. They intertwine
modes of skincare but in the modes of
have their differences skincare but have
in the interpretations their differences in
of sunscreen. the interpretations of
sunscreen.