Memorandum

To: Brian Malone

From: Robert Carne
Date: September 3, 2019
Subject: Past Writing Analysis

I have finished the analysis you requested about a prior non-fictional writing of my own. My
findings about it being concise, precise, direct and any noticeable errors are presented in the
sections below. The basis of determining whether this past writing was concise is the use of
unnecessary repetition, redundant words and phrases, dead phrases, and unnecessary modifiers.
For being precise, audience levels of technical expertise, consistent terminology, and level of
specifies and detail where taken into consideration. Active vs. lazy verbs, active vs. passive
voice, topic position, and stress position where all used to determine the writing’s directness.

Being Concise
To be concise means when a large amount of information is given in as few words as possible
and is comprehensive.

Unnecessary Repetition
Words or phrases that have been repeated and no longer serve a purpose but are just padding.
• Claim: One spot it is very evident that the word “we” is repeated multiple times.

• Evidence: We played many different sports and musical instruments. We were both taught
the piano but also played other instruments. We were able to get countless uniforms and
sports gear, as well as travel all over the northwest for different sporting events such as
snowboarding, soccer, basketball, tennis, golf and many more. If we wanted to try something
our parents

• Connection: These sentences could have been joined together.

Redundant Words and Phrases

Words or phrases that repeat the same meaning as other words its around.
• Claim: The use of the word “now” doesn’t make sense to have in front of, “growing up,”

• Evidence: Now growing up I never fully knew or understood my family’s position in the
stratification system.

• Connection: I could easily remove the word “now’ and the phrase “growing up” is able to
stand on its own.

Dead Phrases
A phrase that not saying anything necessary and has a pompous tone.
• Claim: I did not find any dead Phrases within my writing.
Memo Report / Robert Carne 2

Unnecessary Modifiers
A word that is to vague while describing something.

• Claim: I noticed a few unnecessary modifiers such as, “very, actually, and extremely”, but
they fit the writing. For example, the use of the word “fairly” before “accurate” is
unnecessary.

• Evidence: From generation to generation this has been a fairly accurate predictor for my
family.

• Connection: This unnecessary modifier can be removed and be replace with, “an accurate
predictor”.

Being Precise
To be precise means one must exact and accurate. In technical writing, one’s level of precision
depends on the audience.

Audience Levels of Technical Expertise

Keep in mind who will be reading the paper and write at the appropriate level.
• Claim: My audience for this past writing was for a highly educated person with a background
in sociology and is strong in showing so.

• Evidence: For example, a higher level of vocabulary was used in order to be concise.
“Throughout this paper I will examine my family’s place in the stratification system and how
it has directly impacted my life’s chances, socialization and sense of self.”

• Connection: Without having prior knowledge or having to ask, may people don’t understand
what the stratification system and life changes are.

Consistent Terminology
While talking about a person, place, or thing make sure to use a single term to describe them
throughout the writing.
• Claim: I noticed throughout this paper I referred to everyone accordingly and did not
confuse the reader of who I was talking about at a specific point.

• Evidence: The restaurants proximity to the homes of mobsters helped make it a

favorite meeting place for the made men from the western suburbs and West Side.
My aunt and mother remember stories of Al Capone coming into the restaurant, as
well as tell me stories of how they themselves waited on mobster’s tables growing up.

• Connection: Al Capone was an example of a mobster that came to the restaurant but it
is very clear who is who in this paragraph.
Memo Report / Robert Carne 3

Level of Specifics and Detail

Depending on the audience and topic, make sure to include the right amount of detail to not
overload the reader or not give them enough information to understand the writing.

• Claim: I noticed throughout this writing I was able to give the reader the correct
number of specifics and detail that they were able to understand the reading without
there being any gaps or holes.

• Evidence: Raised Catholic in the suburbs of Chicago in the 1950’s, as well as being
the offspring of two well respected and successful men in the area, my mother and
had a very strict upbringing. Many things where expected from my mother and her
siblings. Being a part of the upper class and being very involved in the church my
grandparents and set an ascribed status for my mother and what was to be expected of
her.

• Connection: I can give a brief background of my mother and her upbringing in order
to help the reader get a sense of who she is without going into extreme detail.

Being Direct
To be direct means to be straightforward and get right to the point of what is being conveyed.

Active vs. Lazy Verbs

Using active verbs helps your writing be specific and reveal analytical thinking while lazy verbs are
generic and vague.
• Claim: I have noticed that I have made a conscious effort to use vocabulary specific
to the writing’s topic.

• Evidence: Chicago at the time was very segregated between ethnic groups.

• Connection: The word “divided”, or “splits” could have also been used in this case.

Active vs. Passive Voice

The difference between the action being performed by or upon the subject.

• Claim: This paper was written in both active and passive voice because it described
past events that have happened helped me get to where I am now and the things that
my parents and grandparents actually did.
Memo Report / Robert Carne 4

• Evidence: After changing the course layout and redoing the club house, Tuscumbia
Golf Course became very popular once again. by zombies.

• Connection: Although this is writing in passive voice and it follows the Zombies’ test,
it still follows the correct time to use a passive voice.

Topic Position
The beginning of a sentence or paragraph that sets up the topic.

• Claim: In this paper I discovered from the very beginning that all the sentences and
paragraphs contained a topic position.

• Evidence: My father grew up and lived on the golf course taking care of it. Walking
the course with a lantern to move the sprinklers before school in the mornings to
mowing the grass once he got home, my father helped run the course.

• Connection: Knowing my father lived on the golf course before hand helps the
readers understand why he was walking around in the golf course so early in the
morning.

Stress Position
The end of a sentence, paragraph, or chapter where readers place the most emphasis on
information located there.

• Claim: I have found that almost all of my paragraphs contain a very strong stress position.
However, I did find one paragraph that did not.

• Evidence: Adding an indoor pool to the clubhouse my grandfather allowed the high
school swim team to hold practice there because the school did not have one of their
own. My grandfather also opened the town’s first bowling alley.

• Connection: The final sentence stating my grandfather also owned a bowling ally should have
been placed earlier in the paragraph or should have just been left out.

Noticeable Errors
Extra Word
• Claim: A word that does not fit or is needed in a sentence. This is a rare error but did
find one example. I don’t make this error often, but I did find one example.
Memo Report / Robert Carne 5

• Evidence: …my father’s parents had built and owned for many years after first
moving to Wisconsin from Ireland in the early 1900’s.

• Connection: The word, “had” is unnecessary in this sentence.

Wrong Word
• Claim: A word that is close to what you wanted to use but is incorrect

• Evidence: …because I knew I had access to more resources them him such as my
family….

• Correction: “Them” should be change to “than”.

Missing Period
• Claim: The period at the end of the essay is missing.

• Evidence: …accurate predictor for my family

• Connection: This is an unfortunate error and can be easily avoided and fixed by adding a
period.

Self Evaluation
After finishing the memo report of project one I discovered my biggest weakness is noticeable
errors. My writings are strong but with the amount of times I re-read and go to revise them some
of the simplest errors are overlooked. By relying too heavily on the spelling and grammar tool
within Microsoft word some of the most easily avoidable mistakes where able to sneak through. I
think by slowing down and reading all the way through a fewer amount of times will help catch
these mistakes right off from the beginning.