My First Love

14 years old, she had a new perspective on life.

she had never thought
that it would be the year
her whole life was turned upside down.
he walked into class,
head upright with that robotic walk of his.
oh how she loved that walk.
soon enough, she had grown close enough
to fall in love with him.
BIG MISTAKE
she continuously fell for him,
over and over again.
and she couldn’t seem to get out of this loop.
finally,
almost two years later
she finally managed to let herself go.
it wasn’t easy, but she got through.

16 years old, she tried again.

her unrequited love, now gone.
she now had a chance
to finally start afresh
and forget about all of her heartbreak.
term 1 starts; everything was going well –
and then she sees you.
at first, she comes off as playful and talkative,
just to test the waters.
but you never really responded.
you only ever gave that little smirk,
and a dismissive wave of the hand.
she was really starting to give up.
and then,
it was like a small ray of sunshine
in a gray sky.
for the first time,
you actually talked back to her,
a full conversation.
I was so surprised,
I almost thought that I had heard wrong.
it was so refreshing.
I was ready to just stop and leave you alone,
but it’s like you noticed
that she wanted to talk to you.
you may think
that she was infatuated with
 he who shall not be named.
but, that was never the case,
and you know that now.
thank God.

every day since then,

she was on the hunt
for you.
she looked for you,
wherever she went.
(as creepy as that sounds)
eventually,
things with he who shall not be named
took a turn for the worse.
he started getting jealous of you,
for reasons she couldn’t understand.
so, to spite him, she added you on snapchat.
and when the conversation sparked immediately,
she was genuinely surprised.
you asked for her number,
and her heart dropped to her stomach.
you actually wanted to talk to her,
something she had never really experienced before.
and so, you two talked, and talked, and talked some more.
and she could feel herself
falling more and more for you
each day.
but then,
you said you liked selena,
and she just gave up.
‘not again’, she thought,
she couldn’t go through this again.
immediately, she began to retreat,
and tried to play it off cool.
it was only later,
when you both truly spoke your hearts,
that she realized
you were the one.

as you talked more and more,

she could feel something –
fear and excitement.
is this really what she wants?
to be with you?
her heart pounds as this uncertainty
fills her mind.
 then, when you told her you loved her,
her spirits soared.
her heart leaped out of her chest
and her mind went blank.
for you see,
as much as she loved a boy
when she was just 14 years old,
she had never told him.
this was unfamiliar territory,
and she was scared out of her mind.
but there was another feeling –
one she couldn’t really name.
but it felt right.
and so, she said it back.
not immediately, of course,
but, when it felt okay to say it.
and even though i may not be in love with you yet,
I love you Nasean Jadari Belgrave…
and merry Christmas!
😊