2 DECEMBER 2010

Fake Student Admitted to UT Honors College

Senior Creates Success From Hacking and Forging

Lee Morrow
Editor in Chief

After years of hard

work, Andrew Chang-Gu
has gotten his alternate
identity into college.
Bob Jones, the student
Chang-Gu created in his
free time, sprouted from
the Asian’s fuzzy head
while hacking security
codes.
“I discovered how easy
it was to create and edit
documents on the school
servers. They don’t even
use HTTPS,” Chang-Gu
said. “After that all I had
to do was forge some
signatures and sneak
some papers into a filing
cabinet when no one was plan in the top ten percent proached, Chang-Gu Patricia Lawler.
around.” of the senior class. decided to keep his hobby “I am so happy Bob got
In his four years at “I was going to make active after he left high in,” Lawler said. “He’s
Midway, Jones has accu- him valedictorian, but school. He chose UT Plan always been one of my
mulated 26 credits and is then someone might have II Honors College for Ben favorite students and I
well on his way to gradu- noticed,” Chang-Gu said. Jones’s future education know he will accomplish
ating on the distinguished As graduation ap- and soon after he ap- great things.”
plied early through Apply Once at UT, where
Texas. Chang-Gu also plans to
The Underground “I had to do a few sup- attend, he will need to
plementary short answers gain access to school
Lee Morrow Editor-in-Chief for the Honors College, records to keep gaining
Blake Johnson Managing Editor but I think it’s worth it,” credit for Jones.
Andrew Chang-Gu Political Correspondent Chang-Gu said. “I want “It’s gonna be hard,”
Cole Manning Feature Correspondent Bob to get the best educa- Chang-Gu said. “But I
tion he possibly can.” want to help out Bob as
Last week Jones re- much as I can. He’s pretty
The Underground is a student publication that informs, entertains and provides a forum for student expression. It is no way affiliated with or sanctioned
by Midway High School. Views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the entire newspaper staff, the student body as a whole, administrators,
or Midway ISD. This newspaper does not discriminate on the basis of sex, disability, race, color, age or national orgin in its educational programs,
ceived his acceptance let- determined to get his
activities or employment as required by Title IX, Section 504 and Title VI. The Underground is free for all students, with production costs offset by
advertisements. Ads are available in business card, 1/4, 1/2 and full size page sizes. Call Lee Morrow at 254-666-0222 for more information. ter, exciting his counselor, Ph.D. soon.”
 The Underground 3
Midway Robotics Club Orders Autocannon
‘Nothing to do with Mysterious Tank Roaming Premises’ say Officials

Andrew Chang-Gu
Political Correspondent

When the UPS man

delivered a 600 pound
GAU-8 Avenger Gatling
Cannon to the front of the
school, Elizabeth Davila,
the receptionist, wasn’t
the least bit surprised.
“Ever since the Mid-
way Robotics Club was
created, they’ve been
ordering various weapon
systems and other nick-
knacks,” Davila said.
Indeed, the Robotics
Club has been behind organization is able to Defense contractors. Anti-Armor Vehicle.”
most of the recent pur- spend an estimated 14 When asked about the When asked about
chases in various military million dollars a week organization’s success, the specifics of the gov-
hardware and technology. (more than the total cost Principal Dr. Chris Allen ernment contract and
Just last week, their sec- of Midway’s renovated responded, “We have a whether the project had
ond shipment of reactive stadium), has been par- Robotics Club? Well, I’m anything to do with the
armor plating arrived at tially solved. The secre- sure that they’re doing multiple reports of a
the school. tive Robotics Club has cool stuff.” tank roaming the school
The longstanding ques- finally admitted to be one Cool stuff is probably grounds at night, Robot-
tion of how one school of the highest paid U.S. the best guess right now ics Club sponsor Brady
as to exactly what Gibson denied every-
the Robotics Club thing.
is up to. Ac- “The sightings of an ex-
cording to docu- tremely advanced, highly
ments released armored robotic vehicle,
by Wikileaks, the soon to be equipped with
government has an extremely powerful
reserved over 5 anti-tank weapon, are
billion dollars to completely unsubstanti-
an agency in Mid- ated and are definitely not
way High School related in any way to any
for the funding of Midway Robotics Club
a “Next Genera- project,” Gibson said.
tion Autonomous
 4 DECEMBER 2010
Naked Scans, Gropings
Arrive at MHS
Lee Morrow
Editor in Chief
Due to last week’s
failed student coup,
the administra-
tion has decided to
implement the same
full body scanners
that have already
been introduced in airports
around the country.
These scanners use x-rays
to see through clothing,
producing a virtually naked
image of the body, in order
to discover hidden weapons
and contraband.
The scanners will be
placed at the main entrance
and will be manned by
trained TSA agents.
TSA agent’s personal van countered these new
Anyone who wishes to opt security measures and just
out of the scan will undergo ignore them.
an extensive pat-down of
the entire body, including
the groin area.
“These scans may be an
inconvenience,”
Principal Dr.
Chris Allen said.
“But they are vi-
tal to the safety
of the school.”
But to the
less voyeuristic,
these scans and
pat-downs are
TSA agents pat down a 4 year old
more than an
inconvenience. To many
students and teachers they
seem like a major invasion
of privacy.
“I don’t want a nudie scan
and I don’t want some dude
touching my junk,” senior
Cody Stidham said. “Just
because some kids tried
to enact a political power
change doesn’t mean we
need these drastic mea-
sures.”
Although there is
considerable anger
over the scanners
that have been
placed at the front
door, most students
have never even en-
“I’m not sure they real-
ize there’s more than one
entrance,” sophomore Billy
Nettles said.
Ending the Splash
Blake Johnson
Managing Editor
Being a man, a bro, a dude,
a superior, requires taking
the initiative and know-
ing how to grab life, set it
straight, and point it in the
right direction. This is true
for all successful bros.
This is also true of those
seeking to use a
urinal, with no
“return” whatso-
ever.
A few months
ago, before his
mysterious and
untimely death,
professor Van Der
Dick published
his scientifi-
cally acclaimed
masterpiece “I
Don’t Want it
Back.” In this
novel, Professor
Dick studies and searches
for the mythical angle that
one can urinate into a urinal
and have no splashback
whatsoever.
“Some scientists search
there entire lives, trying
to discover the secrets
of things like evolution,
electricity, or solar powered
flamethrowers, which are
pretty cool I admit,” Profes-
sor Dick announced at a
Urinal press comittee. “Me,
however, I’m searching for
something far more grand,
something that will change
the course of the future for
every man, and transgender
individuals as well”
News of this study has
reached the Midway campus
and students have started
to share ideas with their
friends and even question
the merit of the myth.
“I’ve never been able to
use a urinal without hav-
ing some feedback, it’s
disgusting,” freshman Chris
Wohlschlag states to the
press. “If you’re telling me
there’s an angle of urinating
into the urinal
that will stop
this, you’re
mad.”
Other students
remain a bit
more hopeful,
crossing their
fingers that such
a myth be true.
“People say
the Lochness
Monster isn’t
real, and I’ve
seen her with
my own eyes, I wet my
pants when I did,” junior
Davin Fitch said. “If I can
see this myth with my own
eyes as well, then maybe
my pants can stay just a
little more clean.”
When the female com-
munity of the world was
approached, they had little
to say.
“Men are stupid,” senior
Monica Finley said.
The myth, as wonderful
as it is, is still a myth, and
right now only remains little
more than a small bright
light at the end of a dark
tunnel of wet pants and
smelly legs.

Cole Manning
Feature Correspondent
On November 3, The
Underground sent fea-
ture correspondent Cole
Manning to investigate
claims of a Fire Breath-
ing Kitten in the Himala-
yan Mountains (and just
get him out of the office).
This is his account.
Yesterday I set out on
an expedition to find the
wild Fire Breath-
ing Kittens of
the Himalayas.
Accompany-
ing me were my
imaginary friends
Puppy Closet and
Jared Leto. We
had no idea what
awaited us.
We flew by
helicopter to the
edge of the Ma-
genta Forest; the
pilot said he could take
us no further but that
we would find what we
were looking for in the
heart of the wood. From
that point on we began
our arduous trek through
the forest. We were as-
tounded by the wild life;
the three of us had never
seen such an abundance
of tree rabbits, rainbow
bright unicorns and spot-
ted turtle bears. How-
ever the most astounding
species we found was an
elusive Kathy Bates. One
had not been seen since
Backspace
the mid 90’s. Leto and I sat in the
presence of the rare animals while
Puppy Closet managed to ride a
rainbow bright unicorn, an expe-
rience can only be described as
magical. We could not play forever
though, and with heavy hearts we
continued our expedition.
At about ten miles away from
the heart of the forest we began to
smell Taco Bell and Bengay. We
knew we were close. With every
mile that brought us closer, the
sense of dread and sheer power of
what awaited us grew. Soon we
began seeing the corpses of uni-
corns. The sight was too much for
Puppy Closet; he fell to his knees
and began to weep. He wept until
he couldn’t any longer, and when
he rose to his feet his fury was so
powerful that he had to take a nap.
When Puppy Closet finally awoke,
we continued our journey and after
a few hours, we found the kitten’s
lair.
The smell of Bengay and Taco
Bell was suffocating, but the Fire
Breathing Kitten was nowhere
to be seen. We thought we had
caught it at a bad time and decided
to come back later; though as we
turned we were stunned by an earth
5
shattering roar. Before us was the
Fire Breathing Kitten and running
towards it was Puppy Closet. In a
vain attempt to avenge the fallen
unicorns Puppy Closet was chal-
lenging it to battle, and before we
had time to think the kitten un-
leashed an emerald flame. Puppy
Closet was obliterated. Leto and
I knew we had to get out of there,
but before we could run the Kitten
hurled Kathy Bates at us, pinning
Jared Leto under her enormous
weight. I struggled to pry her off of
him but it was impossible. I knew
I only had one hope
for survival, David
Hasselhoff. I began
to pray to the mighty
shaman in a vain
attempt for anything,
and soon my prayers
were answered.
Above me flew a
mighty phoenix and
in its talons was a
Wal-Mart gift card.
I quickly grabbed
the card and began
to use the powers of everyday low
prices to drive the Kitten back to
the hell from which it came. It
worked and soon the Kitten was no
more.
After vanquishing the Kitten, I
enlisted the help of the unicorns
to help pull Kathy Bates off of my
companion. With the horror of our
time, we walked out of the Ma-
genta Forest knowing we would
never return. I know now that when
you go searching for a kitten you’ll
find one.
Dedicated to the memory of Puppy
Closet McDinDin (1982-2010)
MISDGSGDBDT
Midway Independent School District
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