RAPE PREVENTION TIPS (a thread, with

helpful links)
Educate girls. No, not about what to wear and where to walk at night. About their rights.
Their bodies. About consent. About what is appropriate and what isn't. About marital rape,
forms of VAW, child marriage. About how women can be rapists too.

When your eight-year-old daughter asks you what rape is, how do you
answer?
Erika Nicole Kendall

Parents have to answer all kinds of difficult questions. But there

are some you just dread and which the news makes unavoidable

You want them to stay young forever. But protecting them from the world
doesn’t help them. Photograph: Michael Prince/CORBIS

It was a typical morning this week, when my eight-year-old waltzed out of her
room, holding her little robe shut with one hand and rubbing her face with the
other. I hugged her good morning with a smile, and asked her to have a seat in
the living room while I made breakfast.

My morning habits run on auto-pilot – wake up, turn on the television news, fix
my tea, and if there’s anything big news, hit the pause button on our DVR while I
make us breakfast, so I wasn’t even thinking about her sitting in front of the TV
while the news played.

But then breaking news broke through my morning fogginess: “alleged gang rape
…7 men … 1 woman…”. I froze in my kitchen, speechless.

I walked back into the living room and she was sitting upright, staring, confused,
at the television. I thought to myself, “Here we go”: my daughter is a living
question factory, so if there’s something to be mentally poked, prodded, pulled
apart and processed, she wants to be the one to do it. It’s easy to deal with when
she’s asking about volcanoes – I might not’ve studied earth science at college, but
at least I can Google. Google doesn’t know how to tell your child about rape.

I sat down with my cup of tea and paused the TV: “Is there anything you’ve
seen on the news today that you’d like to ask me about?”

She replied: “Mommy, what’s ‘rape?’”

I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable about her question, but it didn’t
feel fair. We have a “no question left unanswered” policy in our house. My
husband and I decided very early on that any question our kids had, we would
do our best to answer it right then – not only because it fosters curiosity in a
child in a healthy way, but also because it helps our daughter understand that
she can always come to us for any question, no matter how big or small, and
get the answers she needs without fear of shame or judgment. (Our personal
assistant – better known as Siri – makes this pretty easy for us when it’s some
fact that we don’t know.)

For instance, we were once walking through the East Village in New York and
passed a group of individuals with full beards, hairy chests, matching leotards
and tutus. She asked why the men were wearing tutus; I replied, “Who said
leotards and tutus were only for women?”. When we once saw beautiful
billboards in SoHo featuring androgynous people, she asked, “Is that a man
or a woman?” without embarrassment; I asked her, “Does it matter?” and she
said, “I guess not.” And, when she once watched Mommy very calmly pause a
phone conversation to stop on the sidewalk, turn around and curse out a man
who had been slowly following us in his car making kissy noises, she later
asked, “Mom, wasn’t he just doing that because he wants to marry you?”; “I
promise you, that’s not about marriage”, I told her.

All these situations and others required long conversations about people
respecting other people’s right to exist unbothered, about respecting people’s
boundaries, and about learning to accept our uniqueness and other people’s.
That is why last year, when a little boy insisted on putting his hands on her
repeatedly after she’d told him to stop, she screamed out “Respect my
boundaries!” into his face. He didn’t quite understand the words, but he
understood her intention – and her teachers and I had quite the laugh.

When I didn’t answer right away, she asked again, “Mommy, what is rape?”

“Rape is when someone forces you to touch their genitals, or when they force
you to let them touch yours,” I told her, and then I explained that no one
should be touching her or asking her to touch them and, if anyone tries, she
has every right to punch, kick, pull, drag, bite, slap and scream.

“People get sick from biting other people,” she objected.

“I know”, I said, “but if the choice is ‘get sick from a bite’ or ‘have someone
touching your privates after you told them no,’ then Mommy says it’s okay to
bite.”

She then wanted to know why “so many men” would do that to “one woman”
and I told her about how “there are some people in the world who think it’s
okay or even fun to ignore when a person sets a boundary, but we know
better.”
“Oh, like that man on the street who followed you hissing at you that you
cussed out?”

“Yes, exactly like that.”

“Why do men do things like that?”

“Because there are some men in the world who think it’s okay to treat women
this way. Luckily, there are great men like your daddy and his friends who
don’t treat women like that. It’s not all of them, and sometimes, you don’t find
out a person is a scumbag like this until you talk to them. But once you find
out they’re a scumbag, it’s okay to protect yourself.”

“Oh. Okay.” She went back to eating her breakfast.

One of the challenges of being a parent is that, if you didn’t have the kind of
parents you want to be, you’re severely limited in understanding how to help
your child understand and interact with the world the way you do. But I try to
think about how differently my life would’ve been had I known all the things
my daughter will know, and how much better the world will be from her
having known them – and I feel better about our choice of parenting style ...
even on days when those conversations turn my hair prematurely gray.

Educate boys. Yes, not to rape. But it has to go much further. Talk about rape jokes,
sharing nude photographs, catcalling, "locker room talk" and how they contribute to
rape culture. Talk about consent and how boys can be victims too.

I’ve Talked With Teenage Boys About

Sexual Assault for 20 Years. This Is
What They Still Don’t Know

LAURIE HALSE ANDERSON

January 22, 2019

Anderson is the bestselling author of several children's and young adult books,
including Speak and Chains, both of which were National Book Awards finalists. Her
memoir, SHOUT, is due out in March 2019.
I started visiting schools two decades ago. It was after the publication of my
novel, Speak, which tells the story of a teenage girl struggling through the
emotional aftermath of being raped. It is commonly read in high school and
college literature classes, and has proven to be a useful springboard to
conversations about rape mythology, sexual violence and consent.

I thought I understood rape. It happened to me when I was 13 years old. I

assumed my job was to model survivorship, and to show readers how to speak
up after being abused, molested or attacked. I thought I was supposed to talk
to the girls.

I had a lot to learn.

The girls heard me. I’d give these large talks, often in a high school
auditorium, with a thousand students seated and me — a stranger — on stage.
The girls would come up to me after the bell rang, in tears, and whisper what
had happened to them. My job, after listening, was to find an adult in the
building they trusted, an educator who could help them find the support they
needed. That scene has been repeated after every single presentation I’ve ever
given, at high schools, middle schools, colleges, bookstores, libraries and
conferences across the country — thousands of victims.

But I have also seen something that, at first, surprised me: The boys want to
talk, too. Some want a private conversation; others ask bold questions in front
of their classmates.

Those who want to talk to me alone wait until the last student leaves the
auditorium or track me down in the library office, where I’m eating lunch. A
few have been victims of sexual violence themselves. Many more have been
targeted by bullies at school. Others come for advice about situations they
don’t know how to deal with.

We sit in a quiet corner. The boy, sweating, fidgeting, eyes downcast, tells me
his story. Sometimes he tells of a girl, a friend who has been raped. He wants
to know the best way to help her because since it happened, she has been
cutting herself, skipping school and getting high to avoid the pain. He wants
to kill the boy who hurt his friend. He wants to help and doesn’t know how.

And then there are the half-confessions. No boy has ever come out and
admitted to me that he raped someone, but a few have said, “I might have
pushed things too far,” or “Well, we were drunk,” or “Things got out of hand
and… she refused to talk to me after that night.” They don’t look me in the eye
as they say this. They are not proud of themselves. Their confused shame is
heart-breaking and infuriating.

After my auditorium presentation, I typically visit a few classes for

smaller group discussions about the themes of my book. In schools all over
the country, in every demographic group imaginable, for 20 years, teenage
boys have told me the same thing about the rape victim in Speak: They don’t
believe that she was actually raped. They argue that she drank beer, she
danced with her attacker and, therefore, she wanted sex. They see his violence
as a reasonable outcome. Many of them have clearly been in the same
situation.

They say this openly. They are not ashamed; they are ill-informed. These boys
have been raised to believe that a rapist is a bad guy in the bushes with a gun.
They aren’t that guy, they figure, so they can’t be rapists.
Why should they think otherwise? Their parents generally limit conversations
about sex to “don’t get her pregnant” lectures. They learn about sex from
friends, and from internet porn, where scenes of non-consensual sex abound.
No one has ever explained the laws to them. They don’t understand that
consent needs to be informed, enthusiastic, sober, ongoing and freely given.

This is only made worse by the other question I get most often from these
teenage boys in the classroom: Why was the rape victim so upset? They
explain, The sex only took a couple minutes, but she’s depressed for, like, a
year. They don’t understand the impact of rape.

When a boy says these things, the girls in the class are shocked, and the
teacher is appalled. They are stunned to discover how many of the guys don’t
have a clue. So was I, at first. But I quickly learned that reacting with anger
and judgment did not help anyone. Instead, I discuss the studies that
show that 94% of women who are raped experience PTSD symptoms. Nearly a
third of victims still have those symptoms 9 months after the rape, and 13% of
women who are raped attempt suicide. Facts like that make an impact. I share
resources like the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
website with the teacher, and encourage the staff to follow up my visit with
presentations from mental health professionals and police officers.

After my recent visit to a school in California, a teacher told me that a boy

came up to her after my presentation and said, “This is the kind of stuff we
need to know, Miss.”

The empathetic boys searching for ways to help survivors and the boys
who believe that rape only counts if it is committed by an armed stranger
have more in common than you’d think. They struggle in the absence of
information. They are looking for leadership and models of behavior. They
share a desire to learn more.

Teenage boys are hungry for practical conversations about sex. They want to
know the rules. They want to be the good guy, the stand-up, honorable dude.
Their intentions might be good, but their ignorance is dangerous. Our society
has begun talking a bit more openly about these issues, but that doesn’t mean
teenage boys suddenly have all the information they need.

The #MeToo movement is helping survivors of sexual violence find the

courage to speak up about being attacked. Many have been silenced for
decades. For some, the rape or assault dramatically changed the direction of
their lives. They’ve developed PTSD, suffer anxiety and depression, and
struggle to form relationships.

Supporting these victims is necessary and compassionate. But support on its

own does little to reduce the number of people who are attacked every
year. Every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. According to a
2000 report from the Department of Justice, 96% of sexual assault offenders
reported to law enforcement were male.

How do we reduce the horrifying amount of sexual violence in this country?

We talk to our boys. Parents, family members, educators, clergy and other
leaders have the opportunity and responsibility to model and teach consent
from the time kids are old enough to walk: “You don’t touch anyone without
their permission.” Families and schools should regularly share facts about
bodies and sex appropriate to the developmental age of the child. Cultural
leaders — writers, musicians, film producers, artists, advertisers, professional
athletes, actors and social media influencers — have the power to accurately
portray how sexual assault happens, providing information that will save
lives.

I know it’s hard, but if we don’t figure out how to have tough conversations,
we will sacrifice another generation of victims. It is time to not just inspire
those who have been hurt to tell their stories — but to find our own courage to
have open conversations about these complex subjects.

We need to teach our boys about healthy sexuality. We need to be crystal-

clear about the laws and moral code surrounding consent. Our children must
be aware that not only is there a federal definition of consent, but that states
have their own, additional definitions. This is particularly significant for
people younger than 18. “Close-in-age exemptions,” which permit some types
of sexual contact between consenting minors, vary widely. RAINN has a State
Law Database, to help you sort out the details.

We need to ask our boys questions so that we understand what they think
they know about sex and intimacy. Sharing books, movies and TV shows are a
great way to open these conversations. Discussing the choices made by
fictional characters paves the way for more personal conversations.

We need to tell our own stories to make sure our boys understand that these
things happen to people they know and love. We need to give them the tools
required to navigate relationships in a positive way.

Our boys deserve information and guidance. The only way they’ll get it is if we
speak up.
 Listen. 80% of rape cases happen in homes, schools, and workplaces, with the
rapist known to victim. And it rarely happens just once. Likely, someone you
know is a victim. If they open up, listen.

What to do when a friend opens up about sexual assault

By Trisha O’Bannon

Part of the silence surrounding sexual assault is that we don’t know how to react to
someone who tells us that they’ve been harassed, assaulted, or raped. These are a few
dos and don’ts to keep in mind. Illustration by JL JAVIER

Manila (CNN Philippines Life) — The #MeToo movement went viral late last
year, but the fear of sexual assault has defined the female experience for a
very long time. 2017 finally saw the beginnings of a paradigm shift in how we
treated and talked about harassment and assault. #MeToo was more than a
trendy hashtag, it was an honest acknowledgment that we as a people are
fundamentally broken. That the world we know was built on violence against
women. That misogyny and rape culture are so interwoven into the fabric of
our society, we can’t just throw out a few bad apples — we need to throw out
the whole system.

Local statistics paint a painful picture: three in five women have experienced

sexual harassment; one woman is raped in the Philippines in every hour. With
these numbers, it’s very likely that there are people in your social circles who
are survivors, whether or not you know it. Part of the silence surrounding
sexual assault is that we don’t know how to react to someone who tells us
that they’ve been harassed, assaulted, or raped.

Helping out a survivor starts with understanding exactly what they are
struggling with. Multiple studies have proven that sexual trauma has the
power to cause psychological harm. “I couldn’t sleep on my own bed for over a
year. I also got agitated when people would touch me,” Aly* shared. Many
survivors report intense feelings of stress, guilt, terror, and shame after the
experience, which can lead to long-term mental health problems like 
depression, anxiety, or even post-traumatic stress disorder.

The female experience of assault and harassment can range from

a catcall on the street to spousal rape. Regardless of what it is,
it’s harmful to tell someone how they should feel.

Sharing what happened can help alleviate some of the negative emotions and
help them heal. “I’ve seen a very strong sense of relief come over them once
they’re done sharing,” says Kenneth Yu, the page administrator of Catcalled in
the Philippines, a Facebook page dedicated to raising awareness about sexual
assault and supporting survivors. Yu says that opening up helps them process
what’s happened to them and get advice on the next steps they can take,
whether it’s legal action or personal recovery.

Opening up in the age of social media is particularly powerful because

survivors can form a community around their shared trauma. “It took me a
while to assert my presence as a rape victim,” says Luna*, a writer and
activist. “When I realized that talking about it gave other women the courage
to approach me and talk about their own experience for the first time, that
was the dealbreaker. Being able to establish that small but safe place for us to
talk about our shared experience with someone who understands and listens
without judgment … that is incredibly affirming.”

However, the decision to come out as a sexual assault survivor is not an easy
one to make. “It’s always a difficult choice because talking about what
happened to you can kind of bring up old pain or trauma. Not everyone is ready
for that,” says Luna. There is also a lot of stigma around being sexually
assaulted. Victim-blaming is well and alive in the Philippines; just last month,
morning talk show host Anthony Taberna came under fire for  blaming a 19-
year-old woman for her own gang rape.

It’s a very obvious example of how not to react to rape and assault, but even
well-meaning people struggle with the appropriate way to deal with it. If
someone does open up to you, here are a few dos and don’ts to keep in mind:

Listen. “They’re just looking for someone who would listen to them, so that
they wouldn’t have to feel so alone or ashamed,” says Marco Sumayao, co-
founder of Deus Sex Machina, a comedy erotica performance group that
promotes consent and sex-positivity.

Don’t judge. It’s important to be careful about asking questions or making

statements that hold them responsible for what happened. “What were you
wearing?”, “You shouldn’t stay out late”, or “Did you do anything to provoke
him?” all point to the survivor’s behavior instead of the perpetrator’s.
Remember: it’s never the victim’s fault.

Believe and validate them. False allegations are rare, and it’s not your role or
responsibility to judge their truthfulness. Many survivors don’t even believe
themselves at first, or experience gaslighting from their perpetrators or other
people. “I was in that moment trying to process … or more like deny that it
was rape because who would want to be raped in the first place,” Luna says.
Acknowledge what they said, and how difficult it is to go through it and talk
about it.
Don’t minimize their experience. The female experience of assault and
harassment can range from a catcall on the street to spousal rape. Regardless
of what it is, it’s harmful to tell someone how they should feel. Don’t tell them
that it’s not a big deal and to move on, only they can decide that for
themselves.

Thank them for trusting you. Sumayao says, “They're looking for someone they
can trust, because someone else broke it in a terrible way.” If they open up to
you, it means that they trust you enough to be vulnerable around you, even if
it’s scary for them to allow themselves to be vulnerable with someone.

Don’t force them to share details. Ask questions about how they feel, but avoid
questions that force them to relive their painful experiences. This puts a lot of
pressure on the survivor, makes them feel that they have to prove their
trauma, and actually hinders them from healing. Elora* says, “I had to talk to
everyone who wanted to hear ‘The Story.’ I never got the chance to actually sit
down and process what happened … Sana there could have been somebody
who was there to tell people to back off.” Let them decide what they’re ready
to share with you.

Offer support. Everybody has different coping mechanisms, so ask them how
you can help. Some survivors might appreciate physical warmth and affection,
while others might understandably recoil. It’s best to ask first, and assure
them that you will help in any way they need you to.

Don’t try to solve it. It’s not your problem to fix. Discuss what their options
are, but don’t pressure them to do anything about it. If they came to you for
support, they obviously value your input and advice, but what they do next is
ultimately their decision to make.

Encourage reporting. Many rapes go unreported because the victims are too
scared or ashamed or don't know where to go. Retweet hotlines. Make sure your
workplace's HR knows how to handle reports. Work against the stigma of men
reporting abuse.

Survivors of assault, harassment, rape, and other kinds of sexual

violence can get in touch with one of the following hotlines for
help: Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD) /
(02) 931-8101 to 07; DSWD-NCR Ugnayan Pag-asa Crisis
Intervention Center / (02) 734-8639/ 734-8654/ 734-8626 to 27;
Philippine National Police (PNP) / 723-0401 to 20; PNP-Women
and Children Protection Center (WCPC) / 410-3213; NBI-Violence
Against Women and Children Desk (VAWCD) / 523-8231 to 38 /
525-6028.
 Fight rape culture. Do not tolerate rape jokes, inappropriate touching, victim-
blaming at home, school, work. Call out your friends. Especially your friends. Stop
asking what the victim was wearing. Raise awareness about rape statistics in the
country.

One person raped per hour

in PH — report
By Yvette Morales, CNN Philippines
Updated 00:01 AM PHT Wed, March 8, 2017

Philippine Commission on Women Chairperson Rhodora Masilang-Bucoy believes life

imprisonment is still a more appropriate punishment for convicted rapists.

Metro Manila (CNN Philippines) — In the Philippines, one woman or child is

raped every hour.

This is based on police records, as cited by the Center for Women's Resources
(CWR), which showed that from January to October last year, there were 7,037
reported rape cases nationwide.

Even the death penalty will not be able to stop this, according to CWR
executive director Jojo Guan.

"The execution of a convicted rapist in 1999 did not stop abusers from raping
women and girls… Given a corrupt system and a culture of impunity where the
rich and the powerful can go scot-free, death penalty will always be a
contentious method to curb criminality in the country," Guan said in a press
release on Tuesday.

Meanwhile, the Philippine Statistics Authority reported 4,605 cases of rape,

acts of lasciviousness, attempted and incestuous rape in 2016, for women
only.
The House of Representatives excluded rape on the list of heinous crimes
punishable by death in the bill passed on final reading earlier in the day.

Philippine Commission on Women (PCW) Chairperson Rhodora Masilang-Bucoy

said some women's groups believed death was not enough punishment for
convicted rapists.

"Among the women's groups, there are still those (who deem) the best
punishment would be reclusion perpetua. So, forever the person that
committed rape will suffer," Bucoy said in a press briefing Tuesday.

The PCW, meanwhile, also wants lack of consent to be the main definition of
rape, as what happens during so-called date rapes.

"'Pag nagsabi ang babaeng 'no,' no 'yon at hindi na kailangan hanapin na

tumakbo siya or napunit siya or may nagdugo ganyan 'yung struggle 'no [If a
woman says "no," it means no. She does not have to prove that she fought
back, or that there was penetration, or other forms of struggle]. Because
usually when that happens, the women just freeze and just don't know what to
do," PCW Executive Director Emmeline Versoza said.

According to the Anti-Rape Law of 1997, rape is committed when a person has
forced, threatened or intimidated a woman to have sexual intercourse, or
other forms of sexual assault.

Versoza said it would also be better to revise some aspects of the law.

"There are also provisions on the forgiveness clause (that we want to change)
because current Anti-Rape Law, RA 8353, enclosed marital rape. If you are
married and your husband wants to have sex and you don't want to, he cannot
force himself on you," Versoza said.

Under the current anti-rape law, if the legal husband is the offender, the wife
can forgive and absolve him of criminal liability.

Donate to women's help centers. Most victims of rape are especially vulnerable
because they are poor and disabled. 1 in 3 deaf women are abuse victims. Many
of them cannot afford medical and legal fees. If you have the resources, help.

NGO strengthens advocacy

against child rape
By Cherry Joy LabiosPublished on October 26, 2018

ILOILO City, Oct. 26 (PIA) -- An international solidarity association here has

strengthened its advocacy campaign against child rape.

Cameleon Association, Incorporated, has called on the support of various sectors

on this cause, through a forum dubbed “Breaking The Silence: A Policy Forum to
#EndChildRape," which aimed to raise awareness on children’s welfare held
Tuesday at the University of the Philippines (UP) Visayas Auditorium, Iloilo City.

Dr. Bernie Madrid, Executive Director of the Child Protection Network of UP-
Philippine General Hospital, said that all children have experienced so many
forms of violence including rape.

"Prevalence of violence in the Philippines is so high," she said.

Data from the Child Protection Network showed that the Philippines has the
lowest age range for sexual consent in Asia, at the age of 12 to 18 years old.

Meanwhile, a survey by the Center for Women's Resources revealed that children
comprised 77 percent of rape survivors in the country and this crime occurs at a
rate of two cases per minute.

Moreover, data from the Philippine National Police (PNP) Regional Office-6
showed that 244 cases of child sexual abuse were reported in Western Visayas, in
the midyear of 2016.

On one hand, studies would reveal that aside from psychological effects to the
child who may suffer trauma, the rape victim may also experience physical effects
as caused by sexual abuse.

The Cameleon Association, Inc. is a non-government organization that

rehabilitates young girls who were victims of sexual abuse and inspires them to
go beyond their limits so they can reach their dreams and has better lives.

The association also encouraged the victims to immediately report these cases to
authorities such as social worker, PNP Women and Children Protection Desks, or
to barangay officials. (CCL/PIA-Iloilo)

Demand justice. 1 person is raped every hour. By the time you finish breakfast,
another rape will have been committed. Demand better services, e.g. rape kits
and effective GAD desks. Most importantly, demand punishment for rapists, no
matter who they are.

US report highlights rape cases related to Philippine drug war

ABS-CBN News
Posted at Mar 14 2019 06:28 PM
MANILA - At least 8 cases of rape were lodged against 16 policemen in the
Philippines between January 2017 and July 2018, the US State Department said
in its annual report, released Thursday.

Aside from cases filed before courts, reports of rape and sexual abuse of women
in police or protective custody also occur in the Philippines with "many of the
rapes" done in connection with police anti-drug operations, the US Country
Reports on Human Rights Practices for 2018 read.

It did not mention the status of the rape cases against uniformed officials as
"statistics were unavailable on prosecutions, convictions, and punishments for
cases filed by the Philippine National Police (PNP)."

The study gave credit to authorities for taking rape cases "seriously," but noted
that rape suspects in smaller localities "sometimes used personal relationships
with local authorities to avoid prosecution."

"In August a witness reported a rape and murder to authorities. Authorities asked
the witness to identify the suspects, which he did, and police arrested the
suspects in less than 24 hours," it said.

There were 7,584 reported rape cases in the Philippines in 2017, a 12 percent
decline from the number of cases in 2016, the study said, citing data from the
Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD).

The government "provided shelter, counseling, and health services to female

survivors of rape," but many rape victims remain hesitant to approach authorities
due to "cultural and social stigmatization," the report noted.

Under Philippine law, those convicted of rape would be sentenced to 12 to 40

years imprisonment or a lifetime ban from political office if the perpetrator is an
elected official.

So if you care about preventing sexual harassment and rape, you can do so
much more than saying "mag-ingat ka". If you care, don't stop there. You can do
more. You should, for all of us.