badsters.

indd 1 13/12/2010 20:18:22

 “Fireman Sam” Whelan

The well dressed

Fireman Sam mightn’t
look like a serial
arsonist but beneath
those Armani suits
and freshly ironed
shirts is a callous
pyromaniac. The
self professed ‘Fire
Starter, twisted Fire Starter’ torches
bookshops for fun while singing The
Doors’ “Light My Fire” although his
version is closer to the Will Young
cover.
His vengeance against bookshop
allegedly comes from his anger at
the printed word which he believes is
a “Dead Medium”. He was first given
matches as a birthday present at age
six by his mother and burnt his first
book that day, “Stig of the Dump”
which was a gift given to him by his
grandmother.

badsters.indd 2 13/12/2010 20:18:29

 Stains Magee

They don’t come much

wilder than Stains
Magee. The only
child of two dental
hygienists his
record is anything
but clean. Forcing
himself into peoples’
homes masquerading
as a distant cousin he makes himself
at home, helping himself to sandwiches
and jewelry. Once he’s had his fill he
insults the homeowner, smashes a TV and
leaves.
Despite having been apprehended
nineteen times he has refused to
apologised to his victims. He has stated
on record that “they should be saying
sorry to me” and has said off record
that he’d wants to become a painter
decorator so his kids will respect him.

badsters.indd 3 13/12/2010 20:18:30

 Jim “the Bag” Gaffney

This rough
ringleader got his
name from bagging
all his victims,
up to but not
including all his ex
girlfriends, which
he had sex with, by
the way, outside of
marriage- rough and
randy!
Gaffney learned
his technique for crime growing up in
the heart of Crumlin, where he and his
gang “The Super Seven” would ride up to
the Dublin Mountains on stolen horses,
illegally hooping and hollering all
the way. Once up there, they would come
to a mountain stream and sip from its
cleansing waters before getting down to
business: plotting 100% crime.

badsters.indd 4 13/12/2010 20:18:32

 “Scrumpy” Tom “You’ve Been
Scrumped” Murphy
This terrible fiend
terrorised the
bottom of Connacht
and a bit on the top
left of it. Scrumpy
began as a petty
thief, stealing
apples from orchards
in his area to the detriment of farmers
and their pathetic fat wives.
On his first arrest and trial,
Tomás(12) claimed he stole apples to feed
his numerous siblings. Investigators
visited his home to be greeted at the
door by a wave of apples. The house had
been filled to the brim with thousands
of apples. Rotting corpses of Scrumpy’s
siblings were found crushed beneath the
frenzy of fruit. An autopsy revealed
the corpses were allergic to apples.

badsters.indd 5 13/12/2010 20:18:34

 “Mean” Seamus “Asshole”

What did Mean

Seamus Asshole
buy his wife
for their
anniversary? An
all expenses paid
trip to hell.
He broke her
arms and legs to
fit her into a
box, brought it
to the fair and charged money to see
the amazing ‘Squashed Woman in A Box’.
He then bought a fake moustache and
puppet strings so he could take her out
of the box and really put on a show!
Sadly, the gardai found out. A rescue
was organised. Seamus got a whiff of
this, he attacked the Garda like a pig
out of water, killing them all and did
a laugh afterwards.

badsters.indd 6 13/12/2010 20:18:35

 Will O’Coughran
“The Jumper”
Many ladies of the
night remember
chilling tales of
this man-beast.
Prowling the streets
boasting of his no.1
predator status.
Till he was locked up by the feds for
a hundred years but got bail after 5.
Newly released O’Coughran was horny
like a fresh pudding-pie, but being
incarcerated for so long, had lost his
predator game. When he came across
a curious jumper in a skip. Wearing
his new weapon, he approached street-
walkers and drew their attention to his
woolly monstrosity, before bashing them
over the head with a bag of tins of
beans and dragging them to his lair.

badsters.indd 7 13/12/2010 20:18:37

 Chris “The Big Punchy” Walsh

The Big Punchy

punches, he punches
anyone and everyone.
And if you try
and stop him he’ll
punch you. He has
punched guards,
army men, judges
and barristers. He is nocturnal and
enjoys breaking into people’s homes and
punching them while they sleep.
He has admitted on his fledgling
podcast, “Fist to Fist”, that “punching
makes me feel good”. It may make you
feel good but it makes us sore in the
face.
The father of three ugly children,
he has refused to desist from punching
until all of his ugly children are
happily married. And anyone who has
seen them will contest that’s not going
to happen anytime soon.

badsters.indd 8 13/12/2010 20:18:39

 Crossword O’Sullivan

Ever get frustrated

while doing a
crossword? One
person who does
is inner city
thug Crossword
O’Sullivan. Every
morning he picks up
the Daily Mirror,
turns to the crossword, scratches his
head and contemplates the clues for a
moment then takes to the streets and
threatens people at gunpoint to help
him solve the puzzle. Those who can
help can sometimes escape unharmed
but those unlucky souls who can’t soon
find themselves worse than puzzled
as they lie in a puddle of they’re own
blood with a pistol-wielding mad man
standing over them shouting “giz a
clue, giz a clue!”.
Crossword does this everyday.

badsters.indd 9 13/12/2010 20:18:40

 Sheila O (pronounced
“ooooh”) ’Gurgan

Relentless mother of
nine, Sheila trained
her children from an
early age to mob the
ice-cream van while
she ciphered petrol
from its tank.
The next chapter
in this big momma’s
life was the dirty
sandwich business.
Sheila makes cutting
corners look as easy as a child’s
Christmas in Wales, getting away with
watering down sandwiches “cos they look
bigger” for years before the Gardai
were informed. Next step for this weary
wombed woman was smuggling up to
thirty pounds of cocaine into Ireland
from Argentina, hiding it, you guessed
- inside her womb!

badsters.indd 10 13/12/2010 20:18:42

 “Spaceman” Murphy

Most gangsters
flee to the
Mediterranean.
Spaceman is not
like most gangsters.
His destination of
choice was floating
in the solar system.
But he’s no amateur,
he’s ruthless and
professional. He
trained and prepared
for space life in
endurance systems
he built in his back
garden, financed of course from his
thievery. On May 19th 1996 he traveled
to Houston Space Station, hijacked a
Space Shuttle and a four man crew and
flew beyond the atmosphere and beyond
the reach of the honourable Garda
Siochana.

badsters.indd 11 13/12/2010 20:18:44

 Mikey Delaney

Mikey had a
breakdown at an
early age while
working in customer
service. After a
shaky recovery, he
turned to a life of
crime and quickly
rose up the ranks
due to his impeccable
manners and
willingness to help.
You’re probably thinking he
couldn’t cut it at the top but no,
Delaney does it again! Phrases like “I’m
sorry, I can’t help you.”, “Is there a
problem here?” and “I’ll deal with you
in a moment” sound very convincing
from a crime lord with a murder victim
list as long as my manhood.

badsters.indd 12 13/12/2010 20:18:45

 Bazelzebub

If it’s true that

crime doesn’t
pay than why is
Bazelzebub never
short of a few
quid? He started
his life of crime by
counterfeiting TV
licenses. He quickly
moved on to forging passages from
the Bible that heralded him as King
of the Devil. He held numerous press
conferences where he’d denounce other
gangster and introduce compulsory
donations from all living under his
“sphere of radiance”. The money was
soon raised for him to build a church
which became a fortress for all the
vile and twisted deeds of his followers,
the Bazelzebuddies, who enjoy plenty of
‘good times’ all funded for by you.

badsters.indd 13 13/12/2010 20:18:47

 Ryan “Rumble Pak” McCann

Despite his
parkinsons, McCann
is one of the most
feared thugs of the
city’s gangland. His
inner circle, the
“wobble boys” are
responsible for some
of the most heinous
of extortion tactics
including , ‘stop hitting yourself’,
‘it was like that when I got here‘ and
‘take a penny, take a penny’. Rumble Pak
is a keen but messy artists and often
forces establishments under his control
to exhibit his work even though the
vulgar themes of his work clash with
the decor of the property. He has sold
pieces to minor celebrities under the
pseudonym “Shakinspeare” thinking that
Shakespeare was a Renaissance artists.

badsters.indd 14 13/12/2010 20:18:48

 Fred “The Stare”

Unlike most criminals

at large, Frank caused
widespread politeness
rather than panic.
Fred’s famous routine
was to hit the streets
at night in his finest
footwear. He’d catch
someone’s eye and do
a little tap dance.
If the victim didn’t
stop in their tracks and appreciate
the spectacle. Fred would give an icy
stare. That stare will follow you
home, meet your wife and kids, move in
and invade your dreams. But how hard
is it to compliment a tapdancer once
in a while? Hmm? Are you really that
self involved? Take a good hard look at
yourself. Go on.

badsters.indd 15 13/12/2010 20:18:50

 You are not safe from the SCUM that
walk the streets! Scum like Stains
Magee and Jim “the bag” Gaffney. These
thugs know no limits, no ethics, no
manners and no nice things. They are
ruthless and will not stop till the
country is at its knees.
Valiant journalists have complied
this guide for you. Why? Because there
are still some good guys out there.

badsters.indd 16 13/12/2010 20:18:51