BUYER’S REMORSE

Introduction
I use this presentation at more informal occasions like house parties and hospitality suites. This version of Smart Ass
works well when you have a more relaxed atmosphere and I can really “play” with the audience. Because of the build
up towards the final outcome, the revelation can bring the house down! I usually have a small collapsible umbrella
which I use to collect the cards during the performance. In close quarters or informal environments, it’s advisable to
do this so the secret of the effect, remains a secret.

Props & Set-Up

Smart Ass deck in my left inside jacket pocket.
Jumbo Card in the same inside jacket pocket.
Umbrella ready in case or general performing area.
Make sure there is a chair or tall stool ready to use.

The Routine (script lines are in italics, physical actions and descriptions are in bold type)
Performer: Something that we all have experience in is buyer’s remorse. You know when you make that purchase
and you get it home and you think, “Man, if I had only got a size bigger or a size smaller, I should have bought the
deluxe model or the economy version, or good lord this doesn’t taste like cheese at all!”. Well I thought I would try
something now that wouldn’t allow for any remorse. I need the assistance of someone who is intimately familiar with
buyer’s remorse...

AT THIS POINT CASUALLY STROLL IN AMONGST THE AUDIENCE

Performer: It is quite obvious by some of your fashion choices that a number of you are familiar buyer’s remorse!

PAUSE FOR LAUGH, OR PROJECTILE FRUIT! ADDRESS A MAN NEAR THE FRONT...

Performer: What you’re name sir, Dave? Dave have you experienced buyer’s remorse? Perfect, would you help me?
Thank you. Let’s all thank Dave for coming up and helping.

LEAD DAVE UP TO THE PERFORMING AREA AND POSITION THE CHAIR CENTER STAGE.

Performer: Dave I want you to be comfortable while your up here so I want you to sit down here (GESTURE TO
CHAIR) and try to relax. But before you get comfortable I have something I’d like you to sit on.

REMOVE THE JUMBO CARD FROM YOUR JACKET POCKET BEING SURE TO KEEP IT’S IDENTITY FROM
YOUR PARTICIPANT AND THE AUDIENCE.

Performer: It’s what I’d like to call my customer guarantee.

DROP THE JUMBO CARD FACE DOWN ONTO THE CHAIR AND GESTURE FOR PARTICIPANT TO SIT DOWN.

Performer: Dave have a seat. I have a deck of cards here and I’d like you to make sure that none of the cards are
the same..

STEADILY DISPLAY THE CARDS FACE UP PASSING FROM HAND TO HAND

Performer: Dave I want you take the deck, split it into two fairly equal piles and hold one in each hand.

HAND THE PARTICIPANT THE CARDS AND AS HE CUTS THE DECK TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO GRAB
THE UMBRELLA FROM YOUR CASE.

Performer: Dave in a moment you are going to dispose of the cards in your right hand or the cards in your left in this
umbrella..

OPEN UMBRELLA AND PLACE IT OPEN END UP BESIDE THE CHAIR.

Performer: When you are lying in bed tonight contemplating the moments we had here tonight, I don’t want you to
have any regrets. (PAUSE FOR POSSIBLE LAUGH) I don’t want you think, “If only I had thrown away the OTHER
pile of cards.” So please Dave make sure you’re really certain that the decision you make will be one that won’t keep
you up at night. When you’ve made up your mind throw the cards in your right hand, or your left hand in the
umbrella.

WAIT BESIDE THE SPECTATOR FOR HIM TO DO THIS. IF THE MOMENTS DRAG YOU COULD START TO
HUM THE THEME SONG TO JEOPARDY OR CONDUCT THE AUDIENCE IN A COLLECTIVE PERFORMANCE!
WHEN HE HAS DISCARDED EITHER HALF, CONTINUE...

Performer: Dave please cut the cards you have left and place half in one hand and half in the other. Once again I’d
like you toss the cards from either hand away. But Dave I’d like you to consider this... years from now when you’re
telling your great-grandchildren about this incredible experience you had with the incredible mastermind Bill Abbott, I
don’t want you say to them, “I’ve always wanted to go back in time and change the decision I made. If only I had
thrown away the other half!” Please Dave, choose wisely. I’ll be over here waiting.

ONCE AGAIN WAIT BESIDE THE SPECTATOR FOR HIM TO DO THIS. WHEN HE HAS DISCARDED EITHER
HALF, CONTINUE...

Performer: Dave we are down to the last few cards. Dave, I need you to hold your finger in the air like this..

DEMONSTRATE THIS WITH YOUR RIGHT FOREFINGER HELD IN THE AIR, POINTING TOWARD THE CEILING.
ONCE THEIR FINGER IS IN POSITION, SPREAD THE CARDS FACE DOWN SO THEY CAN SEE ALL THE
BACKS.

Performer: Now just touch anyone of the cards with your finger and hold it there. Perfect. Now one hundred years
from now when they’re reading your memoirs Dave, it would be a shame if you were to write about this experience,
complaining that you never had a chance to change your decision. Dave, I’m giving you that chance right now, if you
would like to change to a different card do so now.

WAIT UNTIL HE DOES, OR DOESN’T AND WHEN HE HAS SETTLED ON A CARD, CUT IT TO THE TOP OF THE
DECK WITH HIS FINGER STILL ON IT AND THEN ASK HIM TO...

Performer: Dave hold out your right hand and take the card you have decided on...

AS HE DOES THIS REMOVE THE CARD HE HAS SELECTED, SEPARATING THE DOUBLE CARDS AND
PLACE IT IN HIS RIGHT OUTSTRETCHED PALM. PLACE THE REMAINING CARDS IN A CONVENIENT
POCKET.

Performer: Dave you have had complete freedom in this entire operation. At every possible opportunity you made
decisions that were entirely your choice. Choices that you thought about. Choices you were happy with at the time.
Dave, Please stand. I placed the guarantee on your chair before you sat down but I didn’t tell you what the guarantee
was. What card did you end up with... The four of clubs (INSERT YOUR PARTICULAR FORCE CARD HERE).
Dave, Pick up the big card and hold both so only you can see it. Ladies and gentleman Dave is experiencing an all to
familiar sensation...

HAVE THE PARTICIPANT TURN THE CARDS AROUND TO SHOW THE AUDIENCE.

Performer: Buyer’s Remorse!!!

THE AUDIENCE WILL REACT AND APPLAUD AT THIS POINT. THANK THE PARTICIPANT AND ASK THE
AUDIENCE TO THANK THEM FOR HELPING YOU OUT WITH ANOTHER ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

THE END.