A Trip To The Zoo

ALEX
You're a hard woman to find, Subterranean Jade.

JADE
Thank you! I pride myself on my hide-and-seek skills.

ALEX
Well I thought you would be, seeing how you've wedged yourself inside a grandfather clock.

JADE
Well, if it isn't Slippery Jimmy, the best thief in town. I heard you were in prison!

ALEX
Is that so? Well, you heard wrong.I just got outta prison fifteen minutes ago, and I'm looking for
people to enjoy one last trip to the zoo. Are you in? Or are you out?

JADE
In? Out? What's the difference?

ALEX
Nothing much unless you shake it all about. ​(Thump)

JADE
Mulligan City Zoo?! But that's the biggest zoo in all the country!

ALEX
Maybe I want the biggest animals.

JADE
Well I suppose one last trip can't hurt. But we can't do it alone. We'll need a picnic blanket, a
picnic basket, a couple of ballet dancers, two bottles of water - one of which must be able to
double as a Maple Pancake, a dozen beers, and an Armstrong.

ALEX
An… Armstrong?

JADE
Exactly.
ALEX What's a...

JADE An Armstrong! You know! To get us to the zoo! For Christ's sake, a DRIVER! We need a
driver!

ALEX I thought the code for driver was "Bucks Fizz".

JADE No you cretin, that's the code for earmuffs.

ALEX Oh. Well, why don't we just say 'driver'?

JADE Are you mad? Do you want to end up in prison again? What if the police hear us?

ALEX Then they'll know that we are planning to DRIVE to the zoo, won't they! Big shock! It's not
like we're going to take the train. Not Saturday morning rush hour carrying our picnic baskets.
Now, we need some music to maintain tension until we get to the next scene. Quick! Start
humming the Mission Impossible theme!

(Dun. Dun. Dun dun. Dun dun. Dun dun. Dun. Dun. Dun dun etc.)

ALEX
(Over the music)​ Our plan was simple. We'd ask our driver… uh, our Armstrong… to take us to
the zoo for 8am - just before the zoo opened. Then, we'd trick our way in by saying there was an
impromptu zoo inspection. That way, we'd be ahead of the crowds. This was going to be our last
trip. We had to make it count. It was all going pretty well… until we arrived at the sloth
enclosure.

(Sounds of chaos)
SLOTH KEEPER
Argh! Can someone ARGH help me ARGH get these ARGH damn sloths under control!

ALEX
You there, lady! I am a zoo inspector. This is a surprise zoo inspection! What the hell happened
with those sloths? I thought they were meant to be harmless!

SLOTH KEEPER
Well they are in the daytime when all the visitors are here, but that's because they spend all
night raving to Taylor Swift and drinking cheap white wine. Utter show-offs. Samual, get down
from that tree immediately! Don't worry, they'll be asleep by the time we let the visitors in.

ALEX
Fascinating. How much is the average sloth worth?
 SLOTH KEEPER
Oh, the average sloth fetches approximately £3,000 on the black market. OUCH Samual! Get
back here this instant! Oh shoot. Now he's out of the enclosure! Why did you leave the door
open?! Sorry, wait here a moment, I really have to take care of this.
(Sound effect of motorcycle. Pause).

ALEX
Well, you're not going to catch him now he's got on that motorcycle.

SLOTH KEEPER
(Sigh).​ No, silly to try really. I don't know why we gave them motorcycles in the first place. It's
political correctness gone mad. Well then Zoo Inspector, what are you looking to inspect?

ALEX
Nothing much. Just looking for the most valuable creature in the zoo. Just to look at, you know.

SLOTH KEEPER
I'd advise the Parisian Howler Owls. They're a new arrival, cost a fortune to get them in from
France. Turn left, they're straight past the bears.

ALEX
Aren't you going to come with me?

SLOTH KEEPER
Are you mad? I have a dozen sloths to tranquilize and then I have to wrestle the meerkats into
their sleeping bags. They look cute, but they can strip a horse down to the bone in under ten
seconds, so it's no easy job.

ALEX
I'll leave you to it, then. Good luck.

SLOTH KEEPER
Thank you. Now, where did I leave my tranquilizer gun?

(Mission impossible theme again, supplied by Jade)

ALEX
The owls presented us with a tricky choice. Should we go straight there, or check out some of
the other animals first? In the end, we made the sensible decision to buy an ice cream.
Subterranean Jade was just tucking into her 99 when an eerie voice came over the loudspeaker
system.
ZOO CONTROLLER
ATTENTION ZOO GOERS. THIS IS THE ZOO CONTROLLER. IT HAS COME TO OUR
ATTENTION THAT THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE IN THE ZOO WHO HAVEN'T PAID FOR
THEIR TICKETS. THE POLICE HAVE BEEN INFORMED. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ESCAPE.
THERE ARE SNIPERS POSTED OUTSIDE IN THE CARPARK. IF YOU REFUSE TO
COOPERATE OR ATTEMPT TO FLEE, THEY WILL OPEN FIRE. ZOO CONTROLLER OUT.

ALEX
Goddammit! They're onto us! Ok Subterranean Jade. This is where we need your valuable hide
and seek skills!

JADE
Right you are sir. What shall we do? Hide?

ALEX
No of course not! What's the first thing you do in hide and seek?

JADE
Uh check all the best hiding places?

ALEX
No! We need to count to 100!

JADE
Ah, right you are, sir! I always forget that bit. I should warn you, I get a bit muddled in the mid
seventies. But I can do it.

ALEX
Then lets hear it! Start counting!

JADE
OK, one… two… uh, three…

NARRATOR
Some time later…

JADE
76… urgh… 77… 78… is there a seventy ten?

ALEX
THERE IS GODDAMMIT BUT NOT YET!!!!

JADE
Right… seventy nine, seventy ten, seventy eleven… seventy twelve… 100

ALEX
YES!! And now we need to hide…

POLICEWOMAN
Ullo ullo ullo, what's all this then?!

ALEX
Satan's omlette, we've been rumbled!!

JADE
Stone the crows, sir! Now we will never be able to steal those Parisian howling owls!!

ALEX
Wait, what do you mean, steal!? I just wanted a fun day out at the zoo!

JADE
But sir, we brought an Armstrong and a picnic basket.

ALEX
Yes… an Armstrong is a driver, right? We wanted to drive to the zoo?

JADE
Yes sir. A getaway driver! So we could get away quickly!

ALEX
But I thought we were planning on having a lovely picnic with two sexy ballet dancers?

JADE
I said we need a picnic basket and a picnic blanket! That's code for lockpicks and a cage for
keeping stolen animals!

ALEX
I did wonder why you had that stuff in the car.

JADE
Wait a minute… you mean we're about to get arrested and we haven't committed any crime?

ALEX
Well, technically it was just a much smaller crime than you thought we were committing.

JADE
Do we still get points for ambition?

ALEX
Oh yes.