WELL-BEING // October 12, 2017

3 Key Things That Will Make or Break

Your Marriage
Have you ever had a “make-or-break” moment in your marriage?
by The Gottman Institute

Have you ever had a “make-or-break” moment in your marriage? As in, whatever
decision you make will change things in a big way?

I did a television interview a couple of weeks back where I was reminded of one such
moment.

Here is the set up: A hospital, a newborn baby, me (still recovering from labor), and
my husband (with big news).

Essentially, we were still in the hospital, basking in the glow of becoming new-born
parents, when my husband received news of a BIG promotion at work. We were
thrilled by this news!
Or, rather, we were thrilled up until the moment when my husband revealed (later)
that accepting the position would require both of us to quit our jobs, and move to…
Utah.

At rst I thought he was joking. But I quickly realized that whatever I said right then,
would change things “in a big way.”

To state the obvious for those who know me, I am not a saint! I have a fabulous track
record of epic failures and sel sh choices in my marriage. However, I am proud to
share that this “make-it” or “break-it” episode in my marriage turned into a win in the
“make-it” column.

I decided to try out a new skill. In the therapy world call we call this skill
“compromise.” Compromise goes really well when you remember three key things.

1. Know your partner

Laying the groundwork for e ective compromise, especially in make or break
moments, happens long before the moment even begins. Having a detailed Love
Map of your partner’s inner world – knowing every nook and cranny of your
partner’s heart, desires, dislikes, dreams, and fears – can help you understand what
informs their point of view.

2. Meet in the moment, not in the middle

In a real compromise, both parties are bound to be at least a little disappointed.
Don’t let that disappointment get in the way of the relationship. Adopt a habit of
asking, “what part of my partner’s request can I agree to?” This will help you stay
connected while you manage your di erences.

3. Focus on what you both want

If you can identify your core shared dream or goal in a situation, it can take the
pressure o of the details and elevate the entire conversation. Even if your shared
dream is just to “stay married,” that can help reframe your “non-negotiables.” When
you’re clear about shared objectives, you cut through the fog of emotion and
di erence, and the speci cs fall more quickly into place.

Now, back to the story. Here comes the part in where I throw my hands up and say,
“I win!”

I had no desire to ever move to Utah. It wasn’t on my radar. I loved my life, our life,
right where we were in Seattle.

But I was able to compromise without harboring any resentments by focusing on

those three truths.

First, I trusted my husband. I knew him well enough to know he wasn’t chasing
prestige or even a paycheck. I also knew that he had my best interests in mind.

Second, I made sure to share my own thoughts and fears without criticising or
getting defensive. I worked hard to stay connected to him even though I wanted
badly to put my foot down (which of course wouldn’t have helped).

Finally, I realized that it wasn’t about “my dream” vs. “his dream.” At that very make
or break moment, this was an opportunity to create a new “shared dream.”

Being honest with myself and my husband, I knew that moving to Utah would be a
tough proposition if there was no real, honest, shared meaning in the move.
I needed to wake up each day, driven and full of purpose to accomplish “our dream.”

So we created it.

Our new dream was to spend more time together as a family, and to retire in 10
years. Each day we each make contributions toward this shared dream, and as a
result we are closer now than we ever have been.

In this way, the move to Utah was about something much bigger than geography, or
moving just for “a job.” It was about a larger, shared vision of our life together.

Let me encourage you. Learning how to compromise doesn’t require an epic, life-
changing decision. But compromise can be essential when an epic, life-changing,
make-it or break-it decision does arise.

Compromise is not just about the what, but about the how, and the why, and most
important, the who (both of you)!

Whether it’s a question of household chores, or visiting in-laws, or a future job, or

whatever, it feels good to “make” the make-or-break moments. I want to hear about
where you’ve gotten a win through compromise. Share with me your relationship
win and how you made it happen.

The Marriage Minute is a new email newsletter from The Gottman Institute that will
improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. Over 40 years of research with
thousands of couples has proven a simple fact: small things often can create big
changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up below.

Laura Heck, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a private practice in
Salt Lake City. Laura co-developed the Seven Principles Leader Training with The Gottman
Institute’s Clinical Director Dr. David Penner, and as a Master Trainer for the program, she
has trained thousands of people to o er the Gottman Seven Principles Program for
couples in their communities. Learn more at her website here.

Originally published at www.gottman.com. Want to improve your marriage in 60

seconds or less? Over 40 years of research with thousands of couples has proven a simple
fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up for The
Marriage Minute here. 

EMOTIONS , RELATIONSHIPS

The Gottman Institute

Co-founded by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, The Gottman Institute’s approach to relationship health has been developed
from 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples.

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