Professional Documents
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psychopathsandlove.com/invalidation/
What is invalidation?
People invalidate others for a variety of reasons, sometimes purposefully and sometimes
not. An abuser will use invalidation as a tool of manipulation and a weapon. Others may be
short on empathy. Some may feel uncomfortable with your pain, or feel powerless to do
anything to help you. Some are simply jealous when you share something you’ve achieved
or are excited about–“It’s not such a big deal.”
The bottom line is this: When you’re invalidated, you are not
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The bottom line is this: When you’re invalidated, you are not
having your emotional needs met.
These are some of our fundamental emotional needs:
To be acknowledged.
To be accepted.
To be listened to.
To be understood.
To be loved.
To be appreciated.
To be respected.
To be safe.
To be valued.
To be worthy.
To be trusted.
To feel capable and competent.
To feel clear (instead of confused).
To be supported.
Now think back to the idealization or love-bombing stage of your involvement with
a psychopath. What made it so marvelous was that our emotional needs were being met, and
then some. We felt loved, appreciated, understood, valued, and all the rest… like never
before. Psychopaths know what our emotional needs are, and they know what to do to
appear to fulfill them.
By seeming to validate us, they demonstrated that they cared and that our feelings
mattered to them. It seemed to show that we mattered to them. By “mirroring” our feelings,
they showed us they were in tune with us. That made us feel connected to them. That’s how
they got us to bond with them.
Now think back to the devaluation stage. What changed? Our emotional needs began to go
unmet. We felt confused, unappreciated, unloved, misunderstood, unworthy, rejected,
incompetent, unsafe, etc. Our needs, emotions, thoughts, and perceptions were being
invalidated.
The basis of the whole charade was first being validated and
then being invalidated.
Now that this is distinguished in your awareness, you can use it for future reference. You
can also use it right now to determine the health of your current relationships.
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“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is
ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only
by the one held captive.”
~ Danielle Bernock, Emerging with Wings: A True Story of Lies, Pain, and the Love That Heals
Invalidation needs to be recognized and taken seriously because it can lead to mental
health problems. Researcher Thomas R. Lynch, Ph.D. found that “a history of emotion
invalidation…was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over
emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). Further,
emotion inhibition significantly predicted psychological distress, including depression and
anxiety symptoms.”
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The following are all invalidating statements that either minimize your feelings, deny
your perceptions, order you to feel differently, tell you how you should feel, or put you on a
guilt trip for thinking or feeling the way you do:
It could be worse.
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Stop taking everything so personally.
Get a life.
Lighten up.
Cheer up.
That is ridiculous.
This is nonsense.
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I’m sure she didn’t mean that.
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In time you will understand this.
You’ve been upset about this for too long; it’s time to move on.
You’re _______ (jealous, insecure, crazy, unstable, a worry wart, overly dramatic, a
complainer, too sensitive)
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Non-verbal invalidation includes things like leaving the room, giving the silent treatment,
and rolling the eyes (this indicates contempt, and it’s actually predictive of a bad outcome in
any relationship).
With increased awareness, you’ll begin to notice comments and behaviors like these.
Invalidation makes us wonder if there is something wrong with us for feeling the way we do.
“It seems fair to say that with enough invalidation, one person can figuratively, if not
literally, drive another person crazy… This is especially possible when one person has long-
term power or influence over another… Invalidation undermines self-confidence because it
causes self-doubt. This in turn further diminishes self-esteem.” (S. Hein)
“To validate someone’s feelings is first to accept their feelings. Next, it is to understand
them, and finally it is to nurture them.
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When we validate someone, we allow them to safely share their feelings and thoughts. We
are reassuring them that it is okay to have the feelings they have. We are demonstrating
that we will still accept them after they have shared their feelings. We let them know that we
respect their perception of things at that moment. We help them feel heard, acknowledged,
understood and accepted.
Painful feelings that are expressed, acknowledged and validated by a trusted listener will
diminish. Painful feelings that are ignored will gain strength.
Validation allows a person to release their feelings in a healthy, safe and supportive way. It
also helps us get to know them better. Thus it builds bonds of caring, support, acceptance,
understanding and trust. When a person is feeling down, these bonds are sometimes all
that another person needs to begin to feel better and solve their own problems.” (S. Hein)
The following statements convey validation. They are very different from the invalidating
statements listed above!
I hear you.
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Wow, that’s a lot to deal with.
That’s sad.
Awareness of invalidation and the ability to identify it will help you make decisions in your
best interest.
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___________________________
___________________________
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“My eyes have seen the light. How I wish I would have read
this book years ago.”
BUY NOW
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