Were You A Sensitive And Intense Child?

eggshelltherapy.com/were-you-an-intense-child/

Intense children are more aware of subtleties; their brain processes information and
reflects on it more deeply. At their best, they can be exceptionally perceptive, intuitive, and
keenly observant of the subtleties of the environment. Yet they are also overwhelmed by
the constant waves of social nuances and others’ emotional and psychic energies.

People’s brains vary. Research has shown that some people are born with a neurological
make up that can make them more emotionally or intellectually intense, sensitive, and more
open to external stimuli than the general population.

From the get-go, intense individuals’ way of seeing and being in the world is not shared by
those around them. Since they think more and feel more, they also reach their limits much
quicker. They are more easily affected by their surroundings and those around them, which
may exacerbate the impact of any problematic events or lack in their early years.

The developmental differences for sensitive children become apparent before 18 months
old. At a pre-verbal age, they can sense that the way they experience the world is different.
They feel an omnipresent sense of feeling like a Martian visiting the Earth; and this feeling of
lacking a ‘shared reality’ with those they depend on – their parents, older siblings or elders in
the family– can be terribly unsettling.

Sadly, because of the lack of awareness and understanding both in the family and in the
wider world, many intense children have grown up internalizing the belief that there is
something wrong with them, or that they are somehow defective, too much’, or even ‘toxic.’

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APPLES THAT HAVE FALLEN FAR FROM THE TREES
Unique challenges arise when an emotionally intense child is born into a family in which the
parents or siblings do not function in the same way.

In his perennial work ‘Far from the Tree,’ Andrew Soloman addresses the differences
between directly inherited (vertical) and independently divergent (horizontal) identity.
Normally, most children share at least some traits with their family: Children of color are
born to parents of color; People who speak Greek raise their children to speak Greek.
These attributes and values are passed down from parent to child across the generations
through DNA and cultural norms. However, children are not always a replica of their
parents; they may carry throwback genes and recessive traits beyond anyone’s control.
When someone acquires a trait that is foreign to the parent, it is referred to as ‘a horizontal
identity.’ Horizontal identities may include being gay, having a physical disability, having
autism, being intellectually or empathically gifted.

It can be excruciatingly difficult for any parents who are presented with children with ways
of being and needs that are alien to them. A gay child being born to straight parents, for
instance, raise a myriad of challenges when it comes to understanding and acceptance.
Vertical identities are usually respected as identities; horizontal ones are treated as flaws.
Any unconventional ways of being, including being extra emotionally intense and sensitive,
are often disparaged as ‘illness’ to be fixed, rather than identities to be accepted.

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Our culture plays a part in perpetuating this disconnect. There is something primitive in our
tribal nature that makes human reject what we are not familiar with. Although our world as
a whole has made huge progress in bridging the divide between class, gender, and race,
awareness and respect for “neuro-divergent” traits such as emotional intensity have not
broken through into public consciousness. As a society we continue to pathologize
individuals who have different ways of thinking, feeling, relating to and being in the world.
Under the influence of a culture that is inept at embracing diversity, some parents have
come to perceive their child’s horizontal identity as not only a problem but even a personal
failure or insult.

It takes extra resilience for families to learn to tolerate, accept, and finally celebrate children
who are not what they initially had in mind. The fact that there is no “guide” to parenthood,
especially when their child cannot be handled through conventional ways, leave a painful
gap of disconnection between the parents and the child. “Parenthood abruptly catapults us
into a permanent relationship with a stranger,” wrote Andrew Solomon, who conducted
over 4000 interviews for his book. Families of emotionally intense children are presented
with a fork in the road; They can reject or scapegoat their child for their strangeness, or they
rise to the occasion and allow themselves to be profoundly changed by their experience.

UNIQUE CHALLENGES FACED BY THE INTENSE CHILD

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If you have been emotionally sensitive and intense all your life, you will probably recognize
some of these experiences as a child:

BEING OVERWHELMED

From birth, intense children have more permeable energetic boundaries. They hear faint
sounds, detect subtle smells and notice the most subtle changes in their surroundings. They
may find certain foods too flavourful, or can’t stand to wear certain fabrics.

They can experience other people’s emotions, noises and other environmental elements as
coming onto and even inside of them, or that they merge with those they encounter. At
home, they feel every shift and nuanced expressions of their parents’ moods and are
swayed continuously by events that do not affect their sibling as much.

Intense children are incredibly conscientious. They always try to figure out the right course
of actions and can be hard on themselves. For example, they tend to assume a lot of
responsibilities in relationships. When conflicts arise, they quickly conclude that they have
done something wrong, and become overwhelmed by self- criticism, and shame.

Being shaken continuously and pierced through by their intensity and events around them,
these children may never find the mental space or support to develop emotional resilience.
Even as adults, they can feel very unstable and ungrounded; and in the long run, many
suffer from physical pain, stifled energy and fatigue.

FEELING EXISTENTIALLY ALONE

The intense child carries deep insights. They sense into the world’s pain, both in their
immediate surrounding and in the wider world. They feel lonely to be the only one who
knows what is going on beneath the social facade of normalcy and harmony; many also feel
guilty for not being able to alleviate the pain and suffering they see.

On some level, they are more mature than their peers. With a psycho-spiritual age that is
older than their actual one, these ‘old souls’ feel they never had a childhood. Gifted
children, especially as they enter adolescence, find that the adults in charge are not worthy
of their authority.

Although they appear independent, deep down these young souls carry a longing for
someone that they can wholly lean on, relate to, so they can finally relax and be taken care
of. As one child described it, they feel “like abandoned aliens waiting for the mother ship to
come and take them home”(Webb, 2008).

The intense child’s creativity and intuition also give them a rich and deeply-reflective inner
life not shared by those around them. They grapple with existential concerns such as life
and death and the meaning of life and find themselves in an absurd and meaningless world
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that they can do little to alter. However, when they try to share their thoughts with others,
they are usually met with puzzlement or even hostility. With no one to connect with them to
the depth of their being, or recognize the fullness of who they are, they carry an unshakable
sense of loneliness through into adulthood.

LOSING TRUST IN THEMSELVES AND OTHERS

Intense children are alert to the hypocrisies, sufferings, conflicts, and complexities of their
surroundings, even before they can cognitively articulate or handle it.

The perceptively gifted child is perplexed by the contradiction between the emotional
vibration they get from the adults and their surface expressions: They see through the
masks of propriety, the forced smiles, or the white lies. This discrepancy causes the child to
become distrustful. Seeing society’s injustice and hypocrisy so early on also lead them to
feel despair and cynicism.

If when they tried to share what they see, they are shut down, they may start to doubt their
own judgment, intuition, even saneness. They may also feel guilty for having these foresight.
When they cannot find anyone who understands their reality, they may decide to-even

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unconsciously- stifle their intuition and emotions, and become teenagers or adults that do
not know what to believe, how to decide, or who to trust.

GETTING SCAPEGOATED

When combined with radical honesty, insightfulness can bring interpersonal challenges. The
intense child feels compelled to point out what they know and are unwilling to play the
game of social facade. Sadly, their truth-telling is often unwelcome in the world.

As the messengers of the inconvenient truth, they are blamed for creating discord. At best,
they are a source of bewilderment but at worse, a source of ridicule. At home, they become
the scapegoat. In school, they become the target of bullies or relegated to the outcasts on
the fringe of schools’ cliques.

Having to choose between their authenticity and other people’s acceptance is an

overwhelming challenge for any young person. The intense child may grow up feeling
incredibly self-conscious about their differences from others, to the extreme, some believe
that they are somehow ’toxic’ or dangerous, and live with a constant fear of being cast out
from their family or social circle.

SENSING THEY ARE ‘TOO MUCH’

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Intense children have intense needs. From a young age, they live with a pressure of their
creativity and have a yearning for intellectually stimulating conversations, deep
contemplation and answers to life’s meaning. Their inner life is pierced with moral
concerns, strong convictions, idealism, perfectionism and forceful passions. However,
without sufficient understanding from the adults around them, they might be
misunderstood as being intentionally difficult. As a result, their natural needs for the
adequate amount of stimulation and support may then be dismissed or deprived.

Even with the most supportive parents who validate their sensitivity and speed, many
intense children have an awareness that they are somehow ‘too much’ for those around
them. They may be explicitly criticised, or just implicitly rejected for wanting too much,
moving too fast, being too naive, too serious, too easily rattled, or too impatient. Realising
that their natural self can be overwhelming to others, they may decide to gradually shut
down, to build a ‘false self,’ and to curb their excitability and enthusiasm.

EMBRACING THE INTENSE CHILD IN YOU

Your home might or might not have been a haven for your sensitive, intense and gifted
young soul. (In the next letter, we will address some of the toxic family dynamics that
passionate and empathic children often get locked into). Being different can be lonely, but

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the real suffering comes from having internalized the feeling that you, as a person, is
fundamentally ‘not okay.’

If all your life you had felt like a Martian being exiled onto the earth, it might take some time
to not only know but also feel in your heart that being intense is not an illness. Being intense
comes with the most precious abilities and qualities. You have an extraordinary capacity to
understand and empathize with others, as well as the ability to reflect on your feelings,
intentions, and desires. Across history, intensity is often paired with other forms of
exceptional talents in the areas of music, visual art, sports, and creativity. Your excitabilities
are not only highly related to giftedness; they are gifts in themselves. It is up to you now, to
provide a safe home for your inner child. This time, under your wings, they can have a
nourishing, safe, and exciting childhood.

Your intense soul is wild and untamed.

No matter how much you try to shut it down, manipulate it, pretend that it doesn’t
exist,

its spontaneous nature always breaks through.

Sometimes, your truth sneaks up on you

in the form of awe, love, wonder, and joy.

It is so compelling that you have no choice but to surrender to the ecstatic

outpouring.

For that precious moment, you feel into your deepest nature, uninterrupted.

Own your wild, excitable, passionate soul.

That intense child inside of you is waiting to, at long last,

be heard, seen, and embrace for who they are.

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“You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been
another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may
become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything.”

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– Henry David Thoreau

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