How to Deal With Self-Centered

People

By Michelle Roya Rad






Most of the time, arrogance can indicate an excessive

need for self-importance and wanting to be the
center of attention. In its extreme form, it can turn
into narcissism. It could be the root of many problems,
from anxiety to depression to the inability to sustain
healthy and fulfilling relationships. While normal levels
of self-worth, self-confidence and self-value are all
essential for people who want to be fully functioning,
there is a line between these characteristics and being
arrogant.

Most of you have probably had an encounter with a

self-centered person. The first piece of advice for
dealing with such people is to try to stay away from
them, or to have clear boundaries with them since
they may become energy vampires. But if you
absolutely have to deal with them, below are some
ways to understand why they act the way they do. It
will give you skills to deal with them.

Some of the characteristics of self-centered people:

1. Arrogant people take too many measures to

protect their self-image. Their universe is usually
small, with statements that have too many “should”
and “must.” They have idealist views, and a need to
impose and make others believe that their universe is
the better one. They will usually dislike you if you
don’t buy into that.

2. They usually have a lot of friends, but just

superficially. Their friendship is mostly about quantity
not quality. They can be charming, but have an
agenda. Their agenda is to find an ego feeder. They
may have found ways to attract a lot of people into
their world, but usually the ones who feed into their
arrogance.

3. They feel incomplete. That is why they use other

people to fill up the inner gap.

4. They are intolerant of differences. They devalue

others and put them at a lesser position. They lack the
ability to feel confidence internally, and instead find a
sensation of superiority by seeing others as inferior. In
addition, they can’t see different viewpoints. They
usually have points of views that are fixated and most
of the time not valid, since they are usually the type
who only reads the cover of the magazine to look
smart, and then is opinioned about it. They may also
harshly criticize others who don’t buy into their views.

5. They are unable to have long lasting relationships.

For them, people are either very good or very bad,
depending on who admires them and who does not. In
other words, if you fulfill their wishes, you’re good.
They can be your lover one minute and a hater the
next.

6. They can’t feel a true sense of empathy. It is hard

for self-centered people to have a real sense of
empathy. Even if they do, it is usually conditional,
depending on what they are receiving from the source
they are empathizing with.
7. They may have self-esteem holes. Self-esteem is
how well developed your sense of self is. For the
arrogant type, there are a lot of holes in this area
that need to be filled.

8. They may look too confident. They are usually

successful on the surface and things look good since
they go the extra mile to make their persona look as
flawless as possible. But when you go deep inside, the
real feeling of inadequacy reveals itself.

9. They have failed attempts to self-heal. For an

arrogant person, the problem is usually “you” or the
“other.” Therefore, self-healing or therapy won’t be
helpful to them.

10. “What is in it for me” gone too far. They usually

maximize their contributions and minimize that of
others. They expect too much for what they are
willing to give. This is the type that thinks his
government, society, people around him and the
world owes it to him without him giving much in
return. While any healthy functioning human does
relative levels of cost benefit analysis in different
situations, a self-centered person looks for vast
benefits with minimum effort, and this is usually at
the expense of others.
What to do:

1. Don’t be their door mat, and have clear boundaries

with them.

2. If you have to defend yourself, make it short and to

the point since they are not the best listeners, and
have a thick wall guarding their self-image.

3. Don’t buy into their arrogance, don’t feed their

excessive sense of self-importance, stay true to
yourself and be sincere.

4. If you get into a position that you have to assert

yourself, don’t attack them, but show that you don’t
agree.

5. Don’t get attached to them.

6. Have an open mind and be tolerant.

7. Be patient.

8. Learn to observe and evaluate their behavior

objectively.

At the end, try to not hate self-centered people. Have

compassion for them since they usually have had a
past that created a wrong type of self-protection
mode for them. There is a part of them that they
don’t like and are trying hard to cover. While many
people have had pasts that are not perfect, nor close
to it, self-centered people are lacking the skills to
address these issues in a productive way. Instead of
facing it, they are hiding it. At the end, remember
that you can have compassion for someone, but at the
same time hold them accountable for their actions
and have clear self-boundaries.

From My Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a
Narcissist

A Narcissist clearly crosses the boundaries of defying another person’s human

rights and dignity, so much so it is clearly classified as psychological/emotional
abuse and domestic violence. They tear down a person’s psychological
well-being in such an insidious/sadistic manner that the target becomes
completely vulnerable, unprotected and fearful. A Narcissist is completely
pathological in every single aspect of how they relate to the people and the
world around them. Unfortunately their world is completely delusional, one in
which they do not allow individuality because they are absolute rulers
(dictators) in that world. The unfortunate fact is that a Narcissist needs people
in their lives to SURVIVE but they just don’t ‘like’ or ‘relate’ to people so it is a
hideous, demeaning, debasing, ANGRY, and abusive coexistence that we get
conned and TRAPPED into.

Victims of Narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly

seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something.
Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple
decisions, questioning and re-questioning things. This is a direct result of the
emotional and psychological abuse used by the Narcissist to erode their
self-esteem as well as instill confusion and anxiety into the victim to the point
where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. This is
skillfully guided by the Narcissist and it clouds reality with leading statements
like “I never said that”, “You are crazy”, or “you are imagining things.” The
Narcissist will even step up the game by reinforcing what they say by backing
it up with statements from friends, co-workers, or relatives that supposedly
agree and ARE very concerned about the target/victim (and probably just
more lies).

Gradually, the target/victim will NOT trust their own perceptions and doubt
themselves completely. This more than often also induces depression and
anxiety – two separate issues that will have to be dealt with as well as the
‘other’ consequences of this hideous abuse. The target/victim is totally broken
and unable to trust their own perceptions in life (the ones we take for granted
as just knowing what to do in life, etc.,) so they isolate themselves because life
is just too confusing and they fear it. The victim now doubts everything about
themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their ideas and ideals. Ask yourself
here and now if you are experiencing this, maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness,
fear, confusion, or just an abnormal sense of life, one where you feel very alone
and without a real objective to change or fix this or moving forward.
Targets/victims will become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality and
the Narcissist loves this because that is their goal – TOTAL CONTROL of your
thoughts and actions and they are at the steering wheel driving this abuse full
forward. Who does this but a highly disordered human being with a dark
agenda? Who could take, steal away or destroy any portion of another person’s
life for any reason yet alone the agenda of a highly disordered Narcissist that is
basically driven by their own hate AND an extortionist as well that wants
everything they can take from another human being.

No relationship ever ends in such a shroud of hate and destruction as one that
ends with a Narcissist. They annihilate every aspect of the relationship, the
person, their life, their family, their friends AND basically everything in a
manner to completely disable you/us. Every action and word that comes from
a Narcissist is a bizarre attack on your personal reality. It takes you from the
goodness and normality that you have had all of your life to a dark place
where you now have feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because
EVERYTHING you do is wrong and you are basically worthless. Even after
separation from a Narcissist, the abuse lives on because like a poison it has
entered into every cell in your body and in the case of a Narcissistic abuse the
poison destroys the mind and reality of their target/victim!

OK – YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the
Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself and purge the
many negative message out of your mind. That old saying “A horse can be led
to water but they can’t be made to drink it” – well lets change that a little bit
and say “A horse can be led to water and taste it, drink it and swallow it –
BUT it can stop drinking it, walk completely away from it and not only find a
better watering hole BUT greener pastures and other fully functioning horses.”
You have to do this so that you aren’t stuck in a fog of lies that will only guide
your life in a negative and destructive direction. What the Narcissist has
internalized in you can be EXTERNALIZED and thrown away. Move yourself
away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can
change and find normality and the reality of a better life. Say no to the
Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy,
SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a
curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it can’t stick if the
Narcissist doesn’t have you under his/her spell. Once you have the education
that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can
remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your own
will and what you will do with your life. You have to take all of that power
AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course
no-contact – but when you have to have minimal contact use the truth to
really see the abuser that harmed you that is standing in front of you and
disengage in your mind from any thought, emotions, words or actions they
send your way because they are like bullets from a gun and meant to harm!
This is what starts you on your road to recovery acknowledging the truth that
this was situational and administered from a personality disordered person.
You are not to blame, you were conned into believing this person loved you,
you trusted this person, believed in them and gave them your love in return –
BUT they were NEVER that person – they were a sadistic and abusive person
that caused you great distress. Know this and NEVER allow yourself to accept
their abuse again. Greg