Zavala 1

Sara Zavala
English 3 H, Block 4,
Mrs. Storer,
April 2, 2020
Congratulations! You’ve Unlocked a New Feeling

I was doing my homework on the kitchen table when my mom’s phone rang. I wasn’t
paying attention to her conversation as I vividly remember trying to memorize the different types
of ecosystems for my science exam the next day. My mom’s usual happy tone when receiving a
phone call from her mother turned quiet in a sort of disbelief tone. Immediately, I knew
something was wrong.
“What do you mean she had to be put on life support?” I heard her say.
Acute to my senses I put down the science book and began to worry. I was aware that my
great grandma was severely sick and had spent the last few months in the hospital, but I had just
seen her a few weeks ago and she looked fine. The doctors said she was improving and that if
everything went according to plan she would be out of the hospital by the end of the month. As if
my whole family had just been given and infinite supply of hope, everyone was joyful once
again. Was that joy over now?
“No don’t worry, I will take a flight tomorrow morning and arrive as soon as possible.”
My mom’s usual confident tone had melted away, leaving her with a worried voice and full of
fear.
I didn’t understand anything, how was it even possible that my great grandma was on life
support. She was doing fine I had seen her a few weeks ago and she looked better. Could she
die? Would this be the end of her life? Was she ever going to get out of the hospital?
I began thinking of the few times I spoke to her, I must confess that I was never really
close to her, but the few insignificant times I had spoken to her made me aware that the last thing
I said to my great grandma was “goodbye” as we left the hospital room after spending time with
her… Was that it? Was that “goodbye” the last thing I had said to her? It was only until then that
the memory of her frail body caught my attention, her thin arms and the wrinkles on her face had
never been more prominent, fascinatingly they matched her quiet personality.
The next few days flew by, when eventually my mom called my dad to inform him that
my great grandma had died. When my dad told my brother and I, I can only seem to remember
the silence that came after.
I remember my dad saying with a sight, “Your mom just called, and um… Your great
grandma just passed away”.
“Oh…” Was all I could come up with.
I cannot remember my brother’s reaction, but I think he was too little to understand what
it meant to die.
As I went back into my room, I felt disgusted with myself, why can’t I feel anything? It
wasn’t one of those feeling where you feel lost or overwhelmed by sadness that you feel nothing,
but I simply felt absolutely nothing, no anger, no sadness, no mourning whatsoever. Only
antipathy for my self for not being able to conjure sentiments upon the news. A feeling I will
never forget and hope to never experience again.
For several nights I cried myself too sleep, not because of my great grandmother’s death,
but because I couldn’t muster myself to feel something. The fear I felt made me cry. Why wasn’t
 Zavala 2

I mourning her death? Why wasn’t I able to feel the sadness everyone else felt? I felt rather
selfish for crying for myself, when I should’ve been crying for my a relative of mine.
When mom came back, her pristine clothes and smell of the sweet perfume she always
used did not match the puffiness in her eyes and the silence she carried with herself for a few
days.
I was with her and listened to her when she told me about how everything had proceeded,
but I was never able to confess to her that indescribable feeling I had felt the night my father told
my brother and I the news. I believed it would only make her sadder, so I stayed quiet and was
simply by her side the whole time she mourned her grandmother. It was the least I could do.