Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Table
of
Contents
An
Introduction
To
Orna
and
Matthew
Walters ........................................................................................ 3
The Right Man Heals You And You Heal Him ............................................................................................ 16
Worksheet ................................................................................................................................................................ 28
Run From Intensity – It’s Your Clue That Something Is Wrong ........................................................ 40
For You?..................................................................................................................................................................... 48
You Can’t Say The Wrong Thing To The Right Man................................................................................ 58
W
e
at
LoveRomanceRelationship.com
recently
had
the
great
fortune
to
interview
the
“power
couple”
of
relationship
experts
–
Orna
and
Matthew
Walters.
The
interview
was
so
spectacular,
so
incredibly
amazing
and
deeply
helpful,
we
decided
to
offer
it
to
you
as
both
a
book
and
as
an
interview.
The
book
has
been
expanded
upon,
added
to
and
organized
a
bit
differently
from
the
interview
–
and
so
we
encourage
you
to
both
read
the
book
and
listen
to
the
interview.
We
considered
this
to
be
a
life-‐changing
self-‐help
book,
and
look
forward
to
hearing
from
you
how
it’s
working
for
you.
Orna
and
Matthew
work
with
women
all
over
the
world,
using
what
they
call
the
“Tools
of
Transformation,”
and
they
will
share
them
with
you
here,
to
help
you
quickly
break
the
old
patterns
that
are
keeping
you
from
receiving
the
one
thing
that
we’re
all
looking
for,
which
is
of
course
love.
Sincerely,
LoveRomanceRelationship
Matthew:
So,
the
way
we
look
at
soul
mates
is
not
necessarily
there
is
one
soul
out
there
for
you
in
this
vast
sea
of
the
billions
of
people
on
the
planet
and
you’re
in
some
way
going
to
stumble
upon
them.
This
idea
that
we’re
here
on
Earth
school
and
that
we’re
meant
to
learn
something
and
that
one
of
the
things
we’re
meant
to
learn
is
how
to
be
in
relationship
and
what
being
in
relationship
can
teach
us
more
about
ourselves.
Matthew:
And
what
we
mean
by
that,
that
the
other
person
is
not
you,
is
that
the
other
person
has
their
own
set
of
experiences,
their
own
set
of
beliefs,
their
own
internal
experience
of
the
world
and
their
own
opinions
and
everything
else.
Oftentimes,
when
we
get
in
relationship,
we
expect
that
other
person
to
think
the
way
we
think
and
to
feel
the
way
we
feel.
Then
we
make
assumptions
about
that
other
person
-‐
that
they’re
thinking
and
feeling
exactly
what
we’re
thinking
and
feeling.
Orna:
And
that
assumption
can
really
be
a
big
problem
and
create
a
lot
of
issues
once
you’re
in
a
relationship.
When
you
take
this
idea
that
the
other
person
is
not
you
-‐
and
you
really
look
at
it
from
an
objective
perspective
-‐
you
can
think
of
it
all
as
if
it’s
an
“eyewitness
account.
“
There’s
a
bank
robbery
and
the
police
go
and
interview
20
people
who
say
the
event
happen
and
they
may
get
20
very
different
stories.
That’s
because
our
own
individual
filter
is
set
when
we’re
very
young.
We’re
filtering
for
certain
information,
and
that’s
the
way
we
move
through
the
world.
It’s
possible
to
shift
that
inner
filter,
but
to
do
it
takes
work,
effort
and
conscious
intention.
So,
when
we’re
in
relationship,
you
go
to
bed
next
to
the
same
person
every
night.
You
wake
up
next
to
them
every
morning
and
we
start
to
We’re
moving
through
the
world
very
differently.
Remembering
that
the
other
person
is
not
you,
and
cultivating
being
curious
about
where
your
partner
is
–
that’s
really
a
great
ingredient
to
having
a
successful
and
happy
relationship.
Love
Languages
Steve:
Yeah.
That
is
a
very
good
point.
I
fortunately
learned
that
to
a
degree
and
noticed
that,
different
people
receive
love
or
perceive
love
in
a
different
way.
For
example,
my
ex-wife
needed
gifts
and
for
me
gifts
mean
nothing.
You
can
give
me
a
new
Maserati
and
I
would
say,
“Well,
that’s
nice,
but
it
doesn’t
make
me
feel
loved.”
For
me,
feeling
love
is
having
something
being
done
for
me
-
and
for
her
that
was
not
as
important.
So,
that
perception
of
somebody
being
a
completely
different
person
is
made
clearer
if
you
pay
attention
to
how
they
need
to
receive
and
give
love.
Matthew:
And
that
pattern
about
how
we
receive
and
give
love
is
something
that’s
determined
very
early
on.
It’s
determined
from
our
family
of
origin
and
whoever
raised
us
–
our
parents,
or
if
we
were
in
some
other
environment
with
grandparents
or
foster
parents,
or
family
or
strangers.
We
learn
how
to
receive
love
from
those
people
and
we
reenact
those
same
versions
of
either
getting
love
or
not
getting
love
in
the
same
way
when
we
get
into
intimate
relationships
as
adults.
“Well,
that’s
nice,
but
it
doesn’t
make
me
feel
loved...
”
Steve:
True.
So,
how
is
it
for
you
guys?
You
were
saying
that
you
were
intentionally
aiming
to
end
up
in
a
good
relationship,
but
you
both
took
different
pathways.
I’m
curious
what
those
two
different
paths
were.
Orna:
For
me,
I
had
a
really
rough
go
at
it.
And
certainly
everybody
has
their
story
-‐
and
there
are
certainly
stories
that
are
worse
than
mine.
Orna’s
Story
Getting
Away
From
Drama
And
Abuse
It
was
really
the
wakeup
call
of
a
lifetime.
I
was
just
so
crushed
and
leaving
that
relationship.
I
left.
I
never
had
another
conversation
with
him
again
and
in
that
process
I
felt
just
incredibly
damaged.
I’ve
always
been
smart.
I’m
well
educated.
I
graduated
from
UCLA
with
honors
and
I
was
moving
well
in
my
business
world
and
moving
forward
and
creating
really
great
things
and
it
just
baffled
me
that
how
was
it
possible
for
me
to
end
up
in
a
relationship
with
somebody
who
would
harm
me
when
that
was
the
last
thing
that
I
desired.
So,
it
was
at
that
point
that
I
realized
that
was
is
familiar
to
us
is
the
strongest
force
when
we
talk
about
intimate
relationship.
So,
what
was
Page
7
of
62
familiar
to
me
was
that
abuse
cycle
and
so,
I
then
attracted
that
abuse
cycle.
So,
I
started
in
regular
therapy.
I
had
some
really
great
luck
ending
up
with
some
really
great
therapists
and
got
a
lot
of
help,
but
at
that
point
I
really
was
like
I
wanted
somebody
else
to
pick
a
mate
for
me,
like
an
arranged
marriage
sounded
like
a
good
idea.
I
was
like,
“Oh,
my
picker
is
broken.
I
don’t
know
how
to
pick
somebody,”
and
I
felt
really
damaged
and
really
broken.
I
started
reading
a
lot
of
books
and
going
to
a
lot
of
workshops
and
staying
in
therapy
and
doing
group
therapy
and
individual
therapy,
and
I
remember
I
got
to
a
certain
point
where
I
really
identified
what
my
pattern
was
in
relationship
very
specifically.
One
of
the
things
that
showed
up
“My
picker
is
again
and
again
was
a
man
who
was
broken...I
don’t
unavailable.
know
how
to
Either
literally
unavailable,
like
in
a
pick
relationship
with
someone
else
-‐
or
a
somebody...”
man
who
was
emotionally
unavailable
or
an
addict.
Water Seeks Its Own Level – Mr. Right Is Like You In Important Ways
So,
when
I
realized
that,
I
remember
going
into
therapy
that
specific
day
and
saying,
“I’m
really
broken.
I’m
attracted
to
men
who
are
unavailable.
How
am
I
ever
supposed
to
end
up
in
a
relationship?”
And
I
remember
my
therapist.
She
smiled
at
me
and
it
was
so
sweet.
I
can
remember
seeing
her
smile
and
her
words
exactly.
She
said,
“Oh,
Orna,
look
at
you.
You’re
doing
all
of
this
work
on
yourself
right
now.
Don’t
you
know
there’s
a
man
out
there
doing
work
on
himself,
so
that
he’s
available
to
be
with
you.”
She
described
this
idea
of
how
“water
seeks
its
own
level”
in
relationship.
How
we
value
ourselves
is
really
how
we
receive
anything,
whether
that’s
love
or
wealth
or
health,
and
what
I
realized
is
that
in
this
process
I
was
literally
raising
the
level
at
which
I
valued
me
-‐
and
so,
I
Here was this guy doing work to get to me as well.
We
met
at
the
top
of
that
mountain,
so
to
speak,
to
have
this
really
true
soul
partnership.
Matthew’s
Story
Self-Rejection
Matthew:
Sure.
So,
part
of
it,
just
to
share
what
Orna
said
about
being
attracted
to
unavailable
men
is
-‐
I’ve
been
sober
for
eight
years
now
and
used
to
be
that
guy.
I
used
to
be
that
guy
who
1]
was
attracted
to
unavailable
women,
and
also
2]
was
not
attracted
to
women
who
were
interested
in
me.
It
was
always
this
game
of
me
saying,
“Alright.
I’ll
get
into
a
relationship
with
you,
but
it’s
not
going
to
work
out.”
I’d
say
that
from
the
start
-‐
and
then
the
woman
would
always
look
at
me
like,
“I’ll
prove
it
differently.”
The
way
it
looked
was:
I’d
seek
out
women
who
would
reject
me,
and
then
I
would
reject
women
who
would
be
interested
in
me.
But
really
–
it
was
all
about
me
rejecting
myself.
Page
9
of
62
Self-Acceptance
So, for me that journey became one of self acceptance.
Part
of
it
was
the
spiritual
journey
of
studying
meditation
and
yoga,
and
another
part
of
it
was
getting
into
my
own
form
of
therapy.
I
found
a
hypnotherapist
and
I
liked
the
fact
that
she
said
“We’re
going
to
move
very
quickly
through
stuff.”
So,
I
ended
up
pursuing
hypnotherapy
as
a
career
as
well,
because
I
found
that
those
tools
were
so
effective
in
helping
me
let
go
of
so
much
of
my
past
story.
I
also
did
a
lot
of
other
work.
I
did
a
lot
of
visualization.
I
did
a
lot
of
journaling,
writing
lists,
all
of
that
kind
of
stuff.
But
it
really
was
the
process
of
“looking
at”
the
internal
work
that
needed
to
be
done,
what
I
needed
to
“release,”
that
made
the
difference.
And
for
me,
it
happened
in
the
last
relationship
before
I
met
my
wife.
I
was
dating
this
really
wonderful
woman
who
physically
is
a
similar
type
to
my
wife.
She
was
a
yoga
teacher.
She
was
a
meditator.
She
lived
a
very
green
lifestyle
riding
her
bike
everywhere
and
I
thought,
“Wow.
This
is
perfect
for
me
externally,”
but
she
had
this
thing
of
saying,
“Wow.
You’re
a
really
great
guy,
but....”
And
there
was
always
a
“but....”
There
was
always
something
that
she
didn’t
like
about
me
and
me
being
the
person
I
was,
I
was
always
going
and
finding
my
coaches
or
going
and
finding
my
mentors
and
saying,
“There’s
this
thing
I
want
to
fix.
This
thing
I
want
to
change.”
We
did
this
dance
for
about
three
months
before
I
finally
woke
up
one
day
and
went,
“You
know
what?
There
really
isn’t
anything
wrong
with
me.
I’m
just
not
the
right
guy
for
her
and
she’s
not
the
right
person
for
me,
so
I
need
to
stop
playing
this
game.”
That’s
when
I
stepped
aside
and
really
looked
at
“What’s
this
final
piece
of
self
acceptance
I
need
in
order
to
get
out
of
this
cycle,”
and
-‐
literally
-‐
it
was
within
two
weeks
that
I
met
Orna.
I
started
really
focusing
on
shifting
that
last
little
bit
inside
of
me,
and
there
she
was.
I
always
say
that
early
on
in
our
relationship
she
said
to
me,
“You’re
perfect
for
me
exactly
as
you
are.
I
don’t
need
you
to
change,”
and
there
was
such
a
release
and
a
relief
and
a
relaxation
on
my
body
and
my
soul.
I
was
like,
“Oh
yeah.
That’s
what
I’ve
been
creating
inside
of
me
and
now
I
get
it
reflected
back
to
me.”
We’re
complex
as
human
beings.
There’s
good,
there’s
bad
and
there
may
even
be
ugly
parts
-‐
but
if
we
really
accept
all
of
us,
if
we
really
love
all
of
the
parts
of
us,
that’s
when
we
can
meet
someone
else
and
experience
that
unconditional
love
we’re
looking
for.
If
we
can
experience
that
part
of
us
that
really
loves
all
of
us
-‐
exactly
as
we
are,
even
with
our
imperfections
–
then
we
open
the
door
for
someone
else
to
love
all
of
us,
even
with
our
imperfections.
That’s
when
someone
shows
up
and
reflects
the
love
that’s
within
us,
back
to
us.
So,
it’s
like
a
mirror.
But
it’s
not
a
mirror
like
in
your
bathroom
that’s
a
direct
reflection.
We
like
to
say
it’s
more
like
a
funhouse
mirror.
When
you
look
in
the
eyes
of
your
beloved,
you’re
seeing
reflected
back
to
you
the
love
that’s
inside
of
you,
but
it’s
distorted.
It’s
like
a
funhouse
mirror.
You
stand
there
at
the
funhouse
and
you’ve
got
this
big
long
head
and
these
tiny
little
feet
or
whatever
that
image
might
look
like
distorted
in
that
funhouse
mirror.
That’s
really
what
ends
up
happening.
But
still
–
what
exists
as
the
“core
piece”
is
that
level
at
which
you’re
valuing
and
loving
yourself.
So,
when
I
see
somebody
else,
especially
somebody
who
I’m
in
an
intimate
relationship
with,
being
judgmental,
it’s
really
going
to
get
at
me.
I’m
going
to
see
that
quality
in
her
and
I’m
going
to
go,
“Oh
man.
I
really
want
to
change
that
in
her!”
And
what
we
really
need
to
see
is
what
that
really
means:
It
means
I
really
want
to
change
that
in
me!
Because
if
I’m
okay
with
who
I
am,
and
I’m
able
to
deal
with
my
own
judgment
and
see
it
for
what
it
is
and
release
it
and
let
it
go,
then
if
somebody
else
is
being
judgmental
-‐
I
can
have
that
same
compassion
for
them
I
have
for
myself.
Those
things
that
trigger
us,
those
behaviors
in
our
partner
that
just
really
get
under
our
skin,
are
really
that
funhouse
mirror
of
your
own
stuff
being
reflected
back
to
you.
They’re
not
doing
or
saying
things
that
are
intentionally
meant
to
bug
you
(unless
they
are
-‐
and
that’s
a
different
story
we’ll
deal
with
later)
-‐
they’re
just
being
who
they
are.
The
fact
that
you
like
some
of
what
he
does
and
says
and
don’t
like
some
of
it
–
that’s
more
a
reflection
of
who
you
are
than
it
is
a
reflection
of
him.
Page
12
of
62
When
You
Dislike
His
Behavior
So
you
need
a
really
great
way
of
looking
at
what
actually
IS
your
responsibility
to
take
care
of,
and
what
ISN’T
your
responsibility
to
take
care
of.
This
is
something
that
can
be
very
confusing
for
all
of
us.
So
here’s
a
way
to
easily
divide
“responsibility”:
1.
If
someone
has
a
problem
with
you,
it’s
their
problem.
It’s
not
something
you
have
to
worry
about.
But...
2.
If
you
have
a
problem
with
someone,
now
it’s
your
problem.
Now
is
really
the
time
to
look
within
and
say,
“Well,
why
does
that
bother
me?
What’s
going
on
inside
of
me
that’s
making
me
have
a
problem
with
this
person?”
It
will
land
in
one
of
those
two
places.
Yes,
it
could
be
that
you
have
that
exact
behavior
and
so,
you’re
seeing
yourself
in
that
person.
That’s
the
Funhouse
Mirror
we
talked
about
earlier.
You’re
seeing
that
part
of
you
that
you
don’t
like,
or
it’s
triggering
something
from
the
past.
So,
it’s
possible
that
someone’s
behavior
could
be
triggering
something
and
you’re
experiencing
it
like
it
happened
with
your
mother
or
your
father
or
your
best
friend
or
your
first
boyfriend
or
whatever
that
might
be.
It
could
be
triggering
something
from
the
past
or
it
could
be
your
behavior,
your
own.
But
you
want
to
do
is
look
within
and
ask,
“Why
is
this
bothering
me?
Why
is
it
bothering
me
that
this
person
is
behaving
Matthew:
It
shows
up
more
specifically
when
somebody
says,
“Wow.
You’re
talking
to
me
just
like
my
mother.
You’re
talking
to
me
just
like
my
father.”
Well,
that
person
is
not
your
mother.
He
–
or
even
she
–
is
not
your
father.
They’re
just
doing
what
they’re
doing.
Because
that’s
the
kind
of
person
you
learned
represented
love
when
you
were
a
child.
That’s
the
kind
of
person
you
received
love
–
or
what
represented
love
-‐
from.
So, it’s about, once again, looking at where things really come from.
We
tend
to
want
to
put
what’s
happening
inside
us
-‐
outside
of
ourselves.
We
instinctively
want
to
put
it
on
the
other
person.
What
we’re
saying
is:
Stop
putting
it
on
the
other
person.
Start
looking
at
yourself.
Start
looking
at
that
“story.”
Orna:
And
that’s
really
what
we’re
saying
when
we
talk
about
a
true
soul
partner.
A
soul
mate.
A
soul
mate
is
somebody
that
you
want
to
work
with
you
around
your
own
stuff.
Matthew
and
I
-‐
in
our
partnership,
in
our
true
soul
partnership
-‐
our
personal
growth
and
the
growth
of
our
relationship
is
all
tied
together.
It’s
all
about
growing
to
be
a
better
person.
For
me
to
be
the
best
Orna.
For
Matthew
to
be
the
best
Matthew.
Working
together
for
that.
And
that’s
what
we’re
call
a
true
soul
partnership.
This
work
is
about
looking
inside
of
you
-‐
and
that’s
the
path
that
we
both
took.
It
took
me
a
long
time.
It
took
me
from
New
Year’s
Eve
1994
of
having
that
realization
and
spending
all
of
that
time
on
myself
to
end
up
in
a
relationship
in
2007.
That
was
a
long
journey
for
me.
What
we
want
to
tell
women
is
that
we’ve
stumbled
and
made
all
of
these
mistakes
-‐
and
so
it’s
possible
for
you
to
get
there
on
a
fast
track
because
you
don’t
have
to
be
stumbling
around
in
arenas
that
don’t
work.
This
work
is
really
specific
about
what’s
going
on
with
you
exactly.
What’s
going
on
with
you
specifically.
Whatever
it
is
that’s
blocking
you
from
receiving
a
soul
connection
with
a
great
man
who
loves
you,
right
now,
it’s
inside
of
you.
The
love
that
we
desire
is
not
outside
of
us.
Cultivate
it
inside
of
you
first,
and
that’s
when
it
can
be
reflected
back
to
you
through
the
eyes
of
another.
That’s
actually
something
I
look
for
if
I’m
going
into
a
relationship:
Does
that
person
make
me
want
to
be
better?
So,
I’m
curious.
We’re
talking
a
lot
about
working
on
yourself,
working
on
your
core
values
and
the
things
that
you’re
looking
at,
but
obviously
you
need
to
communicate
with
a
partner.
As
we
were
saying
earlier,
you
can’t
say
the
wrong
thing
to
the
right
man.
If
you’re
by
yourself,
it’s
obviously
very
easy
to
focus
on
working
just
on
yourself,
but
if
you’re
in
a
relationship
and
you’re
working
on
yourself
-
how
do
you
do
that
with
your
partner?
And then the next question is: “What does that look like?”
We
say,
“Well,
it
looks
like
a
fight
because
we’re
people
like
everybody
else,”
but
here’s
what
the
difference
is:
That’s
all
in
“communication”
-‐
and
it’s
all
in
HOW
you
communicate.
Page
16
of
62
We
talk
a
lot
about
this
idea
of
emotional
authenticity
and
how
to
communicate
authentically
about
what’s
really
going
on
inside
of
you
-‐
as
opposed
to
what
your
ego
is
attached
to
about
the
situation.
We
tend
to
get
caught
up
in
that
ego
thing
about
wanting
to
be
right.
Or
about
wanting
our
way
to
be
the
way
that
solves
things.
And
what
we
find
is
-‐
the
truth
is
-‐
that
when
we
get
into
that
place
of
emotional
authenticity,
and
we’re
both
able
to
communicate
our
truth
on
that
level,
agreement
is
not
required!
That’s
really
the
magic
of
being
in
a
soul
partnership,
because
suddenly
you
have
real
communication.
That’s
what
real
intimacy
is.
What
happens
in
most
relationships
is
there’s
a
problem
and
we
immediately
go
into
blame
or
shame.
There’s
all
this
finger
pointing
and
all
this
“you,
you,
you...”
When
we
have
a
fight,
which
I
think
at
this
point
really
does
look
differently
than
the
way
most
people’s
“fights”
might
-‐
sometimes
we
have
those
“staying
up
until
two
in
the
morning
fights”
and
all
of
that
-‐
we
experience
the
same
things
that
every
We
both
say,
other
relationship
goes
through.
“Wait
a
minute.
If
there’s
any
relationship
expert
out
What’s
going
there
that’s
telling
you
they
don’t
fight
on?”
with
their
partner,
they’re
lying.
We
want
to
be
authentic
and
say,
“Yeah,
of
course
we
fight.”
But
what
“Wait
a
happens
in
that
fight
is
we
both
look
within.
We
both
say,
minute.
What’s
going
on?”
and
we
communicate
very
authentically
about
what’s
happening
with
us
in
the
moment.
I’ll
communicate
what’s
going
on
with
me.
Matthew
will
communicate
what’s
going
on
with
him.
It
feels
truly
like
the
“magic
of
a
love
on
such
a
deep
soul
level”
that
we
all
dream
about.
It’s
what
we
all
really
want,
but
we
can’t
get
there
through
blame
and
shame
and
finger
pointing.
We
have
to
take
responsibility
for
what’s
going
on
with
ourselves.
If
I’m
upset
and
I’m
triggered
by
something,
then
that’s
about
what’s
going
on
with
me.
It’s
not
about
whatever
Matthew
is
doing.
In
relationship,
we
start
to
feel
like
we’re
responsible
for
the
other
person’s
happiness
somehow.
But...
I
can
wake
up
in
the
morning
and
be
in
a
great
mood,
and
Matthew
on
that
same
day
can
be
in
a
bad
mood.
And
you
know
what?
That’s
okay.
If he wakes up in a bad mood, I’m not trying to change his mood.
And
the
beautiful
thing
about
that
is:
When
he
realizes
I’m
not
trying
to
change
his
mood,
then
when
he
decides
to
shift
it
-‐
which
is
usually
pretty
quick
-‐
we
can
both
be
in
a
good
mood.
But
if
I
suddenly
wanted
to
try
and
change
him,
he
would
dig
his
heels
in.
That’s
just
a
natural
human
response.
Somebody
tries
to
change
you,
what
are
you
going
to
do?
You’ll
dig
your
heels
in.
You’ll
stake
out
the
position:
“No,
I’m
going
to
be
in
a
bad
mood.”
So,
it’s
really
about
having
that
understanding
that
the
only
person
you
have
control
over
is
you.
So,
if
you
want
to
work
on
yourself
in
partnership,
then
just
do
the
work
on
you
because
it’s
infectious.
Page
18
of
62
When
you
start
to
shift
and
change
who
you’re
being,
a
man
who
really
loves
you
will
start
to
follow
along.
He’ll
have
this
desire
to
want
whatever
it
is
you’ve
got.
I
remember
years
ago
when
I
was
in
this
transformation
of
really
evolving
who
I
was
being.
I
was
working
with
my
boss
very
closely.
It
was
really
just
the
two
of
us
in
this
office
and
I
was
working
in
the
music
business
and
every
day
I
would
show
up
to
work
and
just
be
me
authentically
and
I
remember
one
day
my
boss
looks
at
me
and
he
goes,
“What
is
it
that
you’re
doing?
I
want
some.”
He’s
like,
“There’s
something
going
on
with
you
and
I
want
some
of
that.”
That’s
really
what
I
mean
about
being
“infectious.”
That
when
we
just
do
the
work
on
ourselves,
the
people
around
us
will
start
to
take
notice.
And
if
they
want
some
of
“that”
too,
they’ll
start
to
ask
you
about
it,
and
you’ll
start
to
be
able
to
get
in
a
dialogue
about
it.
That’s
completely
backwards.
If
you’re
not
happy
in
your
relationship,
then
look
within
and
see
what’s
really
going
on
with
you.
Ask
yourself
the
question:
Am
I
showing
up
authentically.
When
we
talk
about
emotional
authenticity,
we’re
not
talking
about
just
being
emotionally
authentic
when
it’s
those
emotions
we
don’t
want
to
deal
with
like
anger
and
fear
and
shame
or
blame.
Not
just
those.
We also can express the bliss and the joy and all of the great things!
It’s
so
nice
to
be
able
to
communicate
to
somebody
and
say,
“Oh
wow.
It
makes
me
feel
so
cared
for
that
you
open
the
car
door
for
me.
I
really
appreciate
that.
Thank
you.”
It’s
such
a
great
way.
It’s
such
a
great
opening
to
teach
a
man
how
you
want
to
be
treated
simply
by
speaking
how
you
feel
-‐
regardless
of
having
any
judgment
about
him
or
his
behavior.
Basically
–
you’re
releasing
the
judgment
that’s
“hooked
up”
to
whatever
that
emotion
is
you
feel.
Let’s
face
it.
Emotions
are
momentary.
They
come
and
they
go.
But
when
we
speak
them
authentically,
something
really
magical
happens
in
our
relationship.
It
gives
the
other
person
an
opportunity
to
meet
you
at
that
level
of
openly
communicating,
and
then,
together,
you
take
the
relationship
to
a
whole
new
level.
Orna: Absolutely.
Matthew: Exactly.
Steve:
Now,
here’s
another
thing,
and
this
is
a
little
bit
of
a
challenge
to
you
guys.
I
know
from
my
own
life
that
I
am
now
far
more
aware
of
how
I
feel
at
any
given
moment
in
time.
I’m
also
far
more
aware
of
what
my
reaction
is
in
say,
like
you
were
discussing,
in
the
middle
of
a
fight,
than
I
used
to
be.
So,
if
I
looked
at
a
very
young
version
of
myself,
I
would
be
in
a
fight.
We
all
know
that
when
you
start
arguing
you
get
stupid
and
you
say
things
that
you
shouldn’t
say
and
you
come
up
with
arguments
that
make
no
sense.
Are
there
any
kind
of
tips
or
examples
or
ideas
that
people
can
use
to
actually
help
them
figure
out
what
it
is
that
they’re
feeling
and
what
it
is
that
it
might
be
that’s
triggering
a
certain
response?
So,
your
partner
says
X
and
you
get
this
feeling
of
anger.
How
do
you
get
from
that
point
of
feeling
that
anger
to
going,
“Wow.
That’s
interesting.
Maybe
that’s
because
that’s
how
my
dad
used
to
talk
to
me
or
how
my
mother
used
to
talk
to
me
or
whatever
it
might
be.”
Have
you
got
any
ideas
or
guides
that
you
could
come
up
with
there?
So,
you
want
to
be
able
to
look
back
at
an
argument
after
it’s
done,
and
be
able
to
examine
it
when
you’re
not
in
the
heat
of
those
passions.
But
once
you
start
to
get
a
sense
of
the
“story,”
once
you
become
aware
of
that’s
like
my
mom
or
that’s
making
me
feel
disrespected
or
that’s
making
me
feel
this
way,
then
the
way
in
is
always
through
the
body.
It’s
always
in
through
the
physical
body.
How
does
your
knee
feel?
How
does
your
head
feel?
How
do
you
feel
right
now?
How
are
you
feeling?
So,
we
know
that
there’s
a
correlation
between
physical
sensation
and
emotional
feeling.
So,
to
teach
yourself
to
learn
the
language
of
emotions
-‐
you
go
into
your
body
and
you
start
noticing
what
you’re
feeling.
“Oh
wow.
I
feel
a
real
tightness
in
my
chest
or
real
constriction.
I
feel
weight
on
my
shoulders.
I
feel
a
knot
in
my
gut.
I
feel
nauseous.”
Whatever
those
physical
sensations
are,
they
can
begin
to
teach
you
a
lot
about
what’s
really
going
on
with
you.
Now,
you
look
at
the
sensation
and
go,
“What
is
the
sensation
telling
me?”
-‐because
there
can
be
really
wonderful
metaphors
to
help
you.
For
example:
If
it’s
nausea
that
you’re
feeling
in
that
situation,
then
what
is
it
that
you’re
really
having
trouble
digesting
about?
What
is
it
that
you
really
can’t
seem
to
swallow,
that
you
can’t
seem
to
hold
on
to?
Page
22
of
62
If
it’s
a
tightness
in
your
chest,
then
what
are
you
trying
to
protect
about
your
heart?
What
are
you
trying
to
hold
onto?
What’s
being
squeezed
out
of
you?
All
of
these
can
be
looked
at
as
a
sort
of
different
metaphorical
expressions
of
what’s
going
on
with
us
emotionally.
Orna:
And
I
would
say
the
other
part
really
is
in
how
you’re
expressing
what
you’re
feeling.
And
certainly
it’s
about
having
compassion
with
yourself
-‐
because
we
know
that
when
you’re
in
the
heat
of
the
moment
and
you’re
triggered
by
something,
you
may
not
get
to
all
of
these
steps,
but
they’re
what
we
call
the
steps
to
emotional
authenticity.
So,
like
Matthew
was
saying,
the
way
to
identify
emotion
can
be
through
the
body
-‐
and
that’s
really
step
one.
So,
step
one
to
emotional
authenticity
is
simply
to
identify
the
emotion.
So,
you’re
able
to
finish
the
sentence:
“I
feel
___”
by
filling
in
the
blank,
that’s
identifying
the
emotion.
And
remember
-‐
these
are
body
sensations.
This
is
emotion.
It’s
not
a
thought.
A
lot
of
people
tend
to
get
stuck
in
our
heads
about
what
we’re
feeling,
and
what
we’re
feeling
is
not
in
our
head.
The
head
is
generally
the
place
where
thoughts
are
generated.
So,
getting
from
that
place
–
in
the
head
and
in
your
thoughts
–
to
hear
what
your
body’s
saying
-‐
that’s
step
one
to
emotional
authenticity.
Identify
emotion.
I
feel
–
fill
in
the
“blank.”
Step Two then is to express that feeling you’ve identified.
This
can
be
out
loud
–
and
just
to
yourself.
You
just
say
it
out
loud.
“Wow.
I’m
really
frustrated
right
now”
–
or
you
can
say
it
out
loud
to
someone
else...
Maybe
I’ll
tell
you,
Steve,
“I’m
really
frustrated
right
now
about
this
thing
that
Matthew
did
yesterday
or
whatever.”
So,
step
two
is
simply
to
express
it.
Get
it
out.
Put
it
into
words.
That
would
be
-‐
if
I’m
frustrated
with
Matthew
for
some
reason,
for
me
to
express
it
to
Matthew.
I’d
say,
“I
feel
really
frustrated
right
now.”
Step
Three
is
now
express
it
with
the
person
you’re
having
the
feeling
with.
Step Four is -‐ in the moment that it’s happening.
So,
Step
Three
(backing
up
a
piece
here)
-‐
Step
Three
doesn’t
have
to
be
in
the
moment.
Step
Three
is
“When
that
thing
happened
yesterday,
I
was
feeling
really
frustrated...”
or
last
week
or
last
month.
Hopefully
you
didn’t
hold
on
to
it
and
it’s
not
last
year.
Really,
Step
Three
is
just
that
piece
of
expressing
it
to
the
person,
and
step
four
then
is
in
the
moment
that
it’s
happening.
I’d
say:
“Right
now,
Matthew,
I’m
feeling
really
frustrated.”
The
last
step
is
the
one
that
needs
a
little
finessing
because
Step
Five
is
sort
of
the
culmination.
We
have
identify
the
emotion,
express
it
to
ourselves,
then
express
it
with
the
person,
then
express
it
with
the
person
in
the
moment
-‐
and
our
There’re
a
few
things
we
have
to
take
into
account
-‐
because
How
do
we
know
it’s
appropriate
for
our
own
intensity
of
emotion?
The
easy
part
-‐
one
way
of
looking
at
it,
one
piece
that
might
be
in
play
-‐
is
that
if
somebody’s
had
the
same
behavior
like
97
times
and
you
never
piped
up
about
how
you
felt
about
it,
and
it
wasn’t
favorable,
and
you
suddenly
flew
off
the
handle,
they
would
look
at
you
like
you
have
three
heads.
Matthew
would
look
at
me
like,
“I’ve
been
doing
this
for
months,”
and
I’m
like,
“Yeah.
I
know,”
because
it
built
up.
So,
I’ll
acknowledge
that.
And
my
intensity
of
the
expression
of
that
emotion
should
actually
be
tempered
-‐
because
I’m
feeling
it
stronger.
Because
I’ve
let
it
go
on
and
on
and
on.
Emotions
Compound
Now,
the
second
part
to
looking
at
appropriateness
of
intensity
is
kind
of
tricky
because
we’re
complex
beings
-‐
and
what
happens
is
that
our
emotions
actually
compound.
Grief
is
a
great
example.
When
we
have
a
loss,
when
we
lose
someone,
we
really
feel
all
the
losses
we’ve
ever
experienced.
We
feel
all
that
grief
of
everybody
we’ve
ever
lost
-‐
and
guilt
works
the
same
way.
...We
tend
to
Guilt
compounds.
Betrayal,
feeling
wait,
and
hold
abandoned,
all
these
emotions
onto
all
of
this
compound
over
time.
because
we
What
we
have
to
realize
is
that
the
think
it’s
“too
person
we’re
engaging
with
in
the
small...”
moment
is
not
responsible
for
all
of
the
losses
or
all
of
the
betrayals
or
all
the
times
that
you
felt
that
emotion.
The
other
piece
is
that
we
tend
to
wait,
and
hold
onto
all
of
this
because
we
think
it’s
“too
small.”
The
idea
of
Step
Five,
appropriate
intensity
is
about
this
waiting
and
holding
on.
Here’s
an
example
of
this:
We
had
a
client
a
while
back
who
is
a
therapist.
She’s
a
marriage
and
family
therapist,
and
one
of
the
things
we
realized
is
that
she
was
really
sort
of
“tempering”
all
of
her
communication
with
her
husband.
Everything
was
toned
down
to
a
level
one
or
even
point
five.
So
her
husband
never
really
knew
what
was
important.
She
would
say
with
the
same
sort
of
tone,
“We
need
to
get
milk,”
as,
“Oh,
my
sister
is
getting
married.”
So,
was
it
important
for
them
to
go
to
the
sister’s
wedding?
He
was
never
really
sure,
because
her
emotions
were
always
sort
of
tamped
down
to
what
she
felt
was
a
very
“digestible”
level
for
him,
but
he
never
really
knew
what
was
going
on
with
her.
Our
partner
wants
to
be
engaged
with
us
and
so,
if
we’re
feeling
something
at
a
level
ten,
then
we
get
to
express
it
at
a
level
ten
-‐
but
I
promise
you
that
most
of
the
time,
if
we’re
just
sort
of
cleaning
as
we
go
and
not
letting
things
build
up,
level
ten
doesn’t
come
into
play
right
away.
When you fill in that blank , now you have two options:
The
second
choice
option
is
you
make
a
request
with
a
solution.
So,
second
choice
option
is
“Would
you
please.”
That’s
a
request.
So,
here’s
an
example:
I
feel
neglected
when
you
don’t
take
out
the
garbage.
Would
you
please
make
an
effort
to
notice
when
the
garbage
is
full
all
on
your
own
and
take
the
garbage
out?
The key is to be really expressing how we’re feeling.
So
many
of
us
get
stuck
in
our
heads,
and
start
to
process
the
situation
in
our
heads
–
we’ll
be
like,
“Why
am
I
feeling
neglected
because
the
garbage
isn’t
taken
out?”
So, it’s not about processing “Why do I feel this way.
It’s
really
about
saying,
“Oh,
I
feel
this.
Let
me
express
it,”
and
when
we
get
to
do
that
with
our
partner,
we
get
to
have
that
exchange
of
real
intimacy,
which
is
what
our
soul
desires.
So,
this
opens
up
the
way
for
communication.
What
we
like
to
say
is
that
-‐
really,
this
process
is
about
speaking
how
you
feel
regardless
of
the
expectations
of
others.
What
we
tend
to
do
is
-‐
we
temper
ourselves
or
we
hold
onto
stuff
or
we
let
stuff
build
up
because
we
think
that’s
not
appropriate
or
that’s
not
important
enough.
If
you’re
feeling
it,
you
are
important
enough.
If
you
feel
it,
it’s
important
enough
to
be
brought
up.
Just
remember
-‐
it
could
be
brought
up
at
one
of
those
lower
levels
of
intensity.
It
doesn’t
have
to
be
a
big
chest-‐beating
expression
of
your
emotion.
It
can
simply
be
just
expressing
what
you’re
feeling
in
that
moment.
2. Express
it.
“I feel __________________.
Are
there
specific
ways
to
deal
with
heartbreak?
If
you’ve
had
your
heartbroken,
does
that
really
affect
the
way
that
you
then
approach
new
relationships?
Orna:
Well,
I
think
we’ve
all
had
our
hearts
broken
and
so,
that’s
just
a
process
of
how
things
go.
I
know
one
of
the
biggest
gifts
that
I
got
in
my
journey
to
Matthew
was
really
to
just
be
in
the
space
after
a
relationship
ended
where
I
wanted
to
find
what
I
like
to
call
the
“golden
nugget.”
What
was
the
golden
nugget?
If
I
was
in
a
relationship
with
this
person
and
it
didn’t
work
out,
then
that
meant
for
me
immediately
that
there
was
a
reason.
There
was
a
reason
that
it
didn’t
work
out
-‐
and
I
don’t
necessarily
need
to
figure
that
part
out
-‐
but
what
I
need
to
figure
out
is:
What
was
the
gift
for
me
to
discover
about
myself
in
that
relationship?
I
dated
a
guy
named
Jim.
It’s
a
generic
name,
so
I’ll
share
his
name.
In
that
relationship,
when
it
ended
-‐
it
ended
in
a
funky
way.
I
sort
of
started
the
ending
of
it
and
he
sort
of
finished
the
ending
of
it.
It
took
me
a
long
time
to
discover
that
golden
nugget.
I
kept
thinking,
“Why
didn’t
this
work
out?
There
must
be
something
for
me
to
learn,”
and
what
I
realized
in
hindsight
looking
back
-‐
it
Page
30
of
62
wasn’t
so
much
about
Jim
or
me
and
Jim.
It
was
really
about
Jim
and
his
family.
Every
family
certainly
has
their
dysfunction
and
his
family
certainly
had
their
dysfunction,
but
one
of
the
things
that
his
family
did
in
a
lovely
way
is
that
they
loved
one
another
respectfully.
I’d
been
dating
Jim
long
enough
to
meet
his
family
and
his
extended
family
–
and
they
all
had
a
respectful
love
for
one
another.
I’ve
got
to
tell
you
-‐
for
me
that
was
quite
foreign.
What
I
discovered,
that
golden
nugget
for
me,
was
that
I
really
wanted
a
relationship
that
had
respectful
love
in
it,
and
that
I
had
grown
up
in
a
family
dynamic
where
there
wasn’t
any
such
thing
as
respect.
In
my
family
of
origin,
“I
love
you”
actually
was
equal
to
“I
don’t
respect
you,”
because
in
my
family
of
origin
“I
love
you”
meant
“I
can
then
do
anything
to
you
and
there’s
no
boundary
between
you
and
me.”
So,
having
that
discovery,
I
then
started
to
work
on
me.
I
suddenly
realized
if
I
want
to
receive
respectful
love,
then
I
need
to
learn
how
to
give
respectful
love.
So,
I
started
with
myself
and
my
relationship
with
me
and
then
I
grew
it
out
to
my
friends
and
my
family,
as
best
I
could,
and
onward
and
to
practicing
respectful
love
in
my
other
relationships.
Giving
it
and
then
being
open
to
receive
it.
To
have
that
understanding
was
really
the
golden
nugget.
So,
some
nuggets
may
not
be
as
huge.
That
to
me
was
a
really
big
aha
moment
from
that
relationship.
What
you
want
to
do
if
a
relationship
ends
is
to
look
back
and
go:
“Well,
what
did
I
learn
about
me?
Is
it
something
that
I
want
to
cultivate
more?
How
did
I
show
up
and
what
was
going
on
inside
of
me,
so
that
I
can
see
what
I
might
want
to
shift
to
have
my
ideal
relationship.”
One
of
the
other
things
I
want
to
share
about
heartbreak
is
something
I
heard
a
long,
long
time
ago.
I
didn’t
quite
know
what
it
meant
at
the
time,
but
I
feel
like
I
really
have
a
deep
understanding
of
it
now
-‐
and
Whether
it’s
the
end
of
a
relationship
and
you’re
healing,
or
you’re
in
a
relationship
currently
and
disappointed,
or
you’re
let
down
by
your
partner
by
a
particular
event
-‐
it
can
feel
like
heartbreak.
I
know
that
in
my
relationship
with
Matthew
there
have
been
times
where
I
was
disappointed
about
something
and
felt
that
feeling
of
heartbreak.
The
first
time
that
that
happened
I
felt
like
somebody
had
hit
me
in
the
stomach
because
I
felt
like,
“Oh
my
God.
I’m
with
my
soul
mate
and
I
thought
I’d
never
feel
this
feeling
again.”
That
overwhelming
feeling
of
like
being
punched
in
the
gut.
When
that
air
just
gets
sucked
out
of
you
of
like,
“Oh
my
God.
I’m
so
heartbroken
in
this
moment.”
When
that
happens,
if
I
can
start
to
think
of
it
from
that
perspective
of
my
heart’s
being
broken
open
to
hold
more
love
-‐
it
gets
better.
Every
time
Matthew
has
disappointed
me
or
I’ve
disappointed
him,
and
we
then
communicate
authentically
to
get
to
the
other
side
of
it
-‐
our
relationship
is
not
only
stronger,
but
my
heart
has
broken
open
to
hold
more
love
for
this
amazing
man.
So,
the
other
part
of
the
question
you
asked
is
how
does
heartbreak
affect
us
and
how
does
that
then
affect
the
way
we
move
forward?
For
example,
we
had
a
client
who
came
to
us
because
he
was
having
lots
of
troubles
in
his
marriage
and
he
was
really
looking
at:
“What
role
am
I
playing
here?
What
role
am
I
playing?”
At
the
time,
his
wife
was
being
very
dismissive
of
him,
not
wanting
him
to
show
and
express
all
his
energy.
She
kept
saying,
“Can
you
tone
it
down?
Can
you
tone
it
down?”
It
was
really
crushing
his
spirit.
The
reason
he
chose
to
marry
her
was
because
the
woman
previous
to
him
had
cheated
on
him,
and
he
said,
“I
never
want
to
be
cheated
on
again.
So,
I’m
going
to
choose
someone
who
won’t
cheat”
-‐
and
that
became
such
an
important
value
to
him
that
it
overshadowed
other
values
that
were
also
very
important.
So,
what
we
want
to
do
is
we
don’t
want
to
constrict
ourselves
in
that
way.
We
still
want
to
realize
that
just
because
we
had
heartbreak,
just
because
things
didn’t
work
out,
doesn’t
mean
we
still
can’t
ask
for
all
that
we
want.
We
need
to
keep
that
sense
of
possibility
open.
And
the
way
to
do
it
is
to
release
that
negative
emotion
that’s
associated
with
the
heartbreak.
That’s
associated
with
-‐
the
cheating
or
the
disappointment
or
whatever
that
story
is
for
you
-‐
and
to
release
that,
so
then
you
can
keep
open
that
possibility.
Looking
for
and
finding
that
golden
nugget
is
a
real
key
to
releasing
that.
Orna:
One
of
the
other
pieces
too
is
when
we’re
in
“reaction,”
we’re
sort
of
pigeonholed
into
this
little
space
that’s
very
constricting.
It’s
like
if
the
last
boyfriend
was
a
gambler,
so
you
never
want
a
gambler.
The
last
guy
was
a
drunk,
so
you
just
want
someone
sober.
It
sort
of
pigeonholes
this
focus
in
reaction
to
the
thing
we
don’t
want,
and
because
we’re
energetic
beings,
the
reality
is
we’re
still
tied
into
the
energy
of
the
gambler.
We’re
tied
into
the
energy
of
the
drunk.
We’re
tied
into
those
negative
energies.
We’re
putting
our
focus
in
the
wrong
direction
-‐
saying,
“Well,
I
don’t
want
that,
so
I’m
going
to
choose
this,”
and
that
isn’t
from
the
space
of
your
heart’s
desire.
We’re
talking
about
“What
do
I
really
want?
If
I
can
have
everything,
what
does
my
heart
really
desire?”
The
answer
isn’t
in
reaction
to
the
last
breakup.
So,
for
healing
that
part
of
us
after
a
breakup
-‐
I
think
it’s
so
important
to
take
the
time
with
ourselves
to
really
open
up
and
have
compassion
and
forgiveness
for
all
parties.
Somewhere,
you
said,
“I’m
not
going
to
let
this
happen
to
me
again,”
and
how
it’s
showing
up
is
seeing
a
limit
in
what’s
available
to
you.
Steve:
That’s
all
excellent
points
and
actually
I’m
hearing
echoes
in
my
own
personal
life
on
a
couple
of
things
that
you’re
talking
about
-
and
this
leads
us
very
nicely
into
the
other
part
of
the
relationship
cycle,
which
is
obviously
you’ve
ended
a
relationship.
How to actually go find a partner? And really, what is...
The
key
is
really
that
attraction
is
born
out
of
the
differences.
You
can
even
say
it’s
born
out
of
the
conflicts.
And
that’s
not
something
there’s
an
“algorithm”
for,
which
is
why
it’s
not
available
on
internet
dating
sites.
It’s
not
like
they’re
going
to
hook
you
up
with
the
“opposite
of
you”-‐
because
certainly
there
should
be
some
core
elements
that
you
share
with
your
partner.
But
the
real
key
to
attraction
is
that
-‐
What
I
need
in
relationship
is
actually
the
opposite
of
what
Matthew
needs
in
relationship
and
that’s
why
there
is
an
attraction
between
us.
Having
each
of
us
get
our
needs
met
is
the
dance
that
we
play
in
relationship
and
that’s
how
healthy
relationships
play
out.
Your
partner
needs
one
thing
and
you
need
something
else.
And
oftentimes
it’s
the
opposite.
And
how
you
get
those
needs
met
and
you
both
feel
fulfilled
is
what
we
call
creating
that
win-win.
That
we
both
win.
That’s
what
we’re
always
looking
for
in
our
relationship
and
it’s
how
we
coach
our
clients
to
be
in
relationship.
To
have
this
understanding
that
your
need
in
relationship
is
something
that
is
not
going
to
be
fulfilled
by
your
partner
24/7.
And
the
dance
that
we
do
is
that
we
both
get
our
needs
met.
He
gets
his
space
and
I
get
to
feel
emotionally
connected,
but
I’m
not
going
to
feel
emotionally
connected
to
Matthew
every
minute
of
every
day.
Nobody
can
give
you
that.
Not
even
a
mother
to
a
child.
So
many
mothers
are
trying
to
give
that
to
their
children
out
there
and
it’s
not
possible.
So, I need to recognize when it’s important for me to feel connected.
If
I’m
feeling
disconnected
from
Matthew
-‐
I
need
to
know
how
to
ask
for
what
I
need
in
a
way
where
he
can
step
up
and
fulfill
that.
Just
like
he
needs
to
ask
for
“space”
when
he
requires
it.
When
he
feels
like
he
needs
that
space.
So, that’s...
Matthew
and
I
really
don’t
like
the
negotiation
because
it
boils
a
relationship
down
to
a
business
arrangement.
Steve:
And
it’s
interesting
that
–
I
saw
a
program
a
short
while
ago
and
they
were
studying
attraction
between
men
and
women
on
a
chemical
level.
What
was
fascinating
is
that
we’re
attracted
to
partners
who
actually
have
genes
or
part
of
genes
that
we
are
lacking.
So,
really
we’re
trying
to
find
the
other
half
of
ourselves,
so
we
get
kind
of
a
whole
once
the
relationship
comes
together.
Does
that
sound
right?
That
in
some
way
on
an
emotional
level
–
maybe
not
on
a
genetic
level,
but
on
an
emotional
level
-‐
that
we
are
lacking
in
something,
in
some
quality.
We’re
lacking
in
some
part
of
ourselves
and
that
other
person
is
going
to
fill
that
hole.
So,
the
two
of
us
–
I
remember
as
a
child
there
was
a
pendant
that
you
got.
It
was
a
heart
and
it
was
broken
in
half
and
you
wore
one
half
and
the
girl
you
were
with
wore
the
other
half.
This
idea
that
you
completed
each
other.
What
we
really
like
to
see
and
get
people
to
understand
is
that
you
are
complete
in
and
of
yourself
and
we
have
a
different
faulty
math.
Our
math
actually
says
one
plus
one
equals
three
because
it’s
two
whole
beings
coming
together
creating
this
third
thing
called
the
relationship.
When
you
start
looking
at
it
that
way,
you
start
realizing
–
“I
need
to
feed
the
relationship
in
order
to
keep
it
thriving.”
YOU
Count
Orna:
And
that
actually
brings
me
to
another
point.
A
lot
of
times
women
tend
to
sacrifice
themselves
in
relationship.
We
talk
to
so
many
women
who
are
like,
“I
gave
everything
and
it
still
didn’t
work
out,”
and
that’s
exactly
the
role
these
women
are
playing
in
the
demise
of
the
relationship
-‐
they
gave
everything!
And when you sacrifice self, you’re saying you don’t matter.
So,
this
one
plus
one
equals
three
is
really
the
best
sort
of
visual
that
we
have
for
how
this
is
created.
That
you
show
up
whole
and
complete,
and
you
come
into
partnership
with
another
person
who’s
whole
and
complete,
and
that
equals
a
soul
mate
partnership.
So,
one
plus
one
equals
that
third
entity
of
the
soul
mate
connection
and
you’re
both
whole,
being
in
partnership
together.
Is
that
likely
to
be
the
soul
connection
that
you’re
talking
about
or
is
it
more
likely
to
be
the
falling
in
lust
factor
that
I’m
talking
about?
Matthew:
We
actually
have
a
slightly
different
way
of
looking
at
that
intensity.
We
say
that
fear
and
excitement
are
basically
the
same
physical
sensation,
but
fear
has
physical
danger
in
it
and
excitement
doesn’t
–
and
that
we
oftentimes
confuse
the
two.
The
way
we
came
up
with
this
understanding
is
we
were
working
with
a
lot
of
clients
who
had
some
form
of
abuse
in
their
past,
whether
it’s
emotional
abuse
or
physical
abuse.
Invariably
they
would
say
that
when
they
met
that
person
who
ended
up
being
a
model
for
that
abuse,
that
initially
–
when
the
relationship
started
-‐
there
was
this
intensity.
That
it
was
like
the
person
could
see
right
through
them
and
just
knew
them
and
they
were
connected
on
this
really
deep,
intense
level.
We
say
when
you
feel
that
feeling,
run
away
because
it’s
just
going
to
lead
to
trouble.
What
we
found
when
we
came
together
was
a
much
different
feeling
-‐
and
I
think
Orna
does
a
really
great
job
of
talking
about
it
and
describing
that.
Orna:
I
think
a
lot
of
people
think,
“Well,
if
I
don’t
have
that
intense
connection,
pooh.
I
don’t
want
it.”
The
reality
is
-‐
when
you
have
a
true
soul
mate
connection
with
somebody,
wow.
It’s
so
much
better
than
“intense”
connection
-‐
because
what’s
tied
into
that
intense
connection
is
a
lot
of
angst.
It’s
a
feeling
that
feels
out
of
control.
I
can
tell
you
that
was
the
feeling
I
felt
with
Mr.
New
Year’s
Eve
1994.
This
very
intense
connection.
It can also show up as - and feel like - a sign of familiarity.
It’s
a
subconscious
signal
saying,
“This
is
familiar
to
me.”
Now,
it
could
be
familiar
to
you
because
it’s
good,
or
it
could
be
familiar
to
you
because
it’s
bad.
Your
subconscious
actually
doesn’t
hold
judgment.
All
it’s
telling
you
is
-‐
this
is
familiar.
And
at
the
time,
with
Mr.
New
Year’s
Eve
1994,
wow.
I
thought
this
intense
connection
meant
I
was
supposed
to
be
with
this
person.
That
it
was
all
of
these
things.
And
it
wasn’t.
Really,
all
that
it
was
telling
me
was
-‐
this
is
familiar.
This
guy
has
the
capacity
to
harm
you
the
way
you
were
harmed
in
your
family
of
origin.
I was like, “Wow. This guy is so – I just want to know more about him.”
We
met
through
a
business
networking
group
–
and
so
when
we
were
engaging
with
each
other,
we
were
out
at
business
networking
meetings.
We
would
literally
stand
in
the
parking
lot
and
talk
at
one
of
our
cars
when
everybody
was
gone.
The
place
was
empty.
The
people
that
worked
there
were
gone,
and
we’re
still
in
the
parking
lot
talking
because
we
had
just
this
connection
of
curiosity
and
discovery
about
one
another.
I just enjoyed being in his presence in a way that was peaceful.
In
a
way
that
was
very,
very
different
from
that
crazy,
intense
connection
that
has
angst
attached
to
it.
It’s
something
that
I’ve
heard
people
in
the
past
say.
They’d
say,
“Oh,
when
you
meet
the
right
one
you
know,”
and
it
always
used
to
confuse
me
and
perplex
me.
I
would
say,
“Well,
I
thought
I
knew,”
but
then
it
didn’t
work
out
-‐
so
then
I
didn’t
know.
So, then how do you know when you really know?
All
I
can
say
is
-‐
when
you
meet
that
soul
mate,
when
you
meet
that
true
soul
partner,
it
will
feel
different
than
it’s
ever
felt
for
you
before.
I’m
really
having
trouble
finding
words
to
describe
it,
but
for
me
it
really
felt
like
this
curiosity.
And
this
feeling
of
being
in
this
place
of
discovery
and
just
simply
wanting
to
be
in
this
man’s
presence.
Orna:
Yeah.
You
can
show
up
as
who
you
really
are.
We
want
to
be
loved
for
who
we
really
are.
It’s
this
weird
dichotomy
that
exists
in
romance.
It’s
like
we
want
to
be
loved
for
who
we
really
are,
but
yet
so
many
of
us
are
terrified
to
show
up
as
who
we
really
are.
Well,
how
are
we
going
to
be
loved
for
who
we
really
are
if
we’re
playing
this
weird
dance
of
twisting
into
a
pretzel
to
try
and
take
a
shape
that
we
think
the
other
person
may
like?
“Oh,
I
think
if
I
behave
this
way,
he’ll
like
me,”
or
“I
think
if
I
behave
that
way,
he’ll
call
me.”
It’s
this
weird
game
we
play.
And
if
we
shed
all
of
that,
if
we
shed
the
game,
and
we
really
want
a
soul
mate
connection
-‐
then
it
comes
back
to
that
age
old
saying:
Know
thyself.
Know
thyself.
Accept
thyself.
Love
thyself.
Really
step
into
that
place
of
really
honoring
and
cherishing
you.
After
that
New
Year’s
Eve
of
’94,
several
years
later
actually
–
I
live
in
southern
California.
I’d
gone
down
to
Venice
Beach
and
I
bought
this
ring
–
a
simple
band.
It
was
a
silver
band.
I
was
wearing
silver
jewelry
at
the
time
and
I
went
down
to
the
beach
and
I
married
myself.
I
married
me
and
it
sounded
kind
of
corny,
but
it
was
so
important
to
me.
Just
like
my
wedding
band
now
that
I
look
at
and
it
reminds
me
of
the
commitment
I
have
with
Matthew
and
it
makes
me
smile
every
time
I
look
at
it.
I
had
never
really
committed
to
myself
on
such
a
deep
level.
I
know
doing
that
changed
so
much
for
me
because
it
raised
that
level
again
of
how
I
was
valuing
me.
If
I
was
committed
to
me,
it
meant
I
was
invaluable.
How
are
you
treating
yourself?
Are
you
treating
yourself
the
way
you
want
to
be
treated
by
your
partner?
When
you
make
mistakes,
because
we
all
do,
are
you
hard
on
yourself?
Do
you
sit
there
and
beat
yourself
up
for
days?
Or
do
you
just
embrace
yourself
and
say,
“Wow.
I
did
the
best
I
could
and
I
messed
that
up.
Oh,
that’s
frustrating.”
Then
go,
“Okay.
I’m
going
to
shake
that
off.
I’m
going
to
still
love
me
in
my
imperfect
form.”
Pretzel
Twisting
Matthew:
One
of
the
things
Orna
mentioned
in
there
I
think
is
worth
talking
about,
which
is
what
we
always
call
“pretzel
twisting.”
We
ask
ourselves
–
“What
shape
can
I
take
that
will
be
loveable
by
this
other
person?”
I
think
how
that
shows
up
sometimes
is
what
I
refer
to
as
the
bait
and
switch,
which
is
you
get
into
a
relationship
with
a
person
and
they’re
one
way
and
they
seem
to
like
all
the
things
you
like
and
they
seem
to
want
to
do
what
you
want
to
do
-‐
and
as
soon
as
there’s
a
commitment
in
the
relationship,
whether
it’s
marriage
or
moving
in
together,
it’s
like
suddenly
things
start
to
change.
Now
this
person
says,
“Oh,
I
can
relax
now
and
be
myself
because
I’ve
got
the
commitment,”
and
the
other
person
is
like,
“What
happened
to
that
person
I
fell
in
love
with
who
liked
all
the
things
I
liked?”
This
is
such
a
big
problem
in
relationship
because
so
many
people
aren’t
being
authentic
from
the
beginning.
Also
–
I
don’t
think
that
inauthenticity
comes
from
a
devious
place.
It
comes
more
from
a
fear
that
the
person
won’t
love
you
for
who
you
are.
Steve:
Yes
and
it’s
very
hard
work
trying
to
be
somebody
else
a
lot
of
the
time.
Matthew: Yeah.
We
look
at
all
that
and
we
put
it
together
and
we
go,
“Wow.
I
get
it.
I
get
it
why
you
are
exactly
where
you
are.
And
there’s
nothing
wrong
with
where
you
are
-‐
because
if
we
had
made
those
same
decisions
and
we
had
had
that
same
background,
we’d
be
in
the
same
place.”
So,
the
realization
that
where
you
are
is
exactly
where
you’re
supposed
to
be
–
and
that
there’s
nothing
wrong
with
where
you
are
–
is
very
powerful.
It
doesn’t
lead
to
a
complacency
as
much
as
it
leads
to
an
understanding
and
an
acceptance
and
a
lack
of
resistance
to
being
where
you
are.
Then
you
can
say,
“Okay.
This
is
where
I
am.
Where
do
I
want
to
be
and
what
do
I
need
to
do
and
who
do
I
need
to
become
to
get
to
that
place
I
want
to
be?”
Orna:
It’s
sort
of
like
if
you
had
a
map
-‐
and
let’s
say
you’re
at
the
mall
and
you’re
looking
for
Nordstrom’s
-‐
well
you’ll
find
Nordstrom’s
on
the
map,
but
if
there
isn’t
a
“You
are
here”
spot,
which
we
know
is
usually
That
idea
of
I’m
perfect
as
I
am.
I
am
right
where
I
am,
and
this
idea
of
accepting
all
that
is
in
this
moment
–
that’s
what
needs
to
happen.
That
“you
are
here”
spot
on
your
map.
If
your
destination
is
a
soul
mate
relationship,
well
how
are
you
going
to
get
there
unless
you
know
where
you
are
now?
So,
you
want
to
accept
instead
of
resist
all
that
is
in
this
moment.
When
you
move
into
acceptance
and
say,
“Oh,
this
is
where
I
am
right
now
and
these
are
the
patterns
that
I’ve
created
in
my
relationships
up
until
this
point”
-‐
now
you’re
in
a
great
place
to
shift
that
and
move
forward
toward
that
destination
point
of
a
soul
mate
relationship.
I
think
we
come
together
with
our
soul
mate
and
that
timing
has
a
lot
to
do
with
it.
So,
it’s
not
that
you
need
to
search
out
that
one
person
out
of
the
six
billion
on
the
planet.
It’s
that
idea
of
water
seeking
its
own
level.
It’s
that
when
you
reach
the
top
of
that
mountain
for
you,
you
will
reach
the
top
of
that
mountain
and
come
into
partnership
with
the
person
who’s
at
that
same
level
as
you.
And
that
is
your
soul
mate
for
this
lifetime.
So,
I
don’t
believe
you
go
from
soul
mate
to
soul
mate.
I
believe
that
we
have
one
soul
mate,
but
it’s
one
for
this
lifetime.
It’s
not
one
specific
person.
Timing
has
a
lot
to
do
with
it.
Your
soul
mate
is
a
person
you’re
going
to
spend
your
life
with
-‐
in
personal
and
spiritual
growth
together,
where
the
commitment
is
to
stay
together
and
work
through
things
together,
so
that
you
grow
together,
learn
together
and
share
all
the
joys
and
grief
that
life
has
to
offer
together.
Steve: Do I have more than one option out of the six billion people?
Matthew: Yes.
Orna: Yes.
Steve:
If
I
were
a
woman,
then
there
many
men
who
might
actually
be
able
to
be
my
soul
mate?
Orna: Yeah.
And
the
guy
that
you’re
really
attracted
to
has
those
qualities
of
either
being
unavailable
or
being
an
addict
or
being
in
some
way
not
able
to
be
there
for
you.
In
that
situation,
you
get
this
idea
that:
If
you
can
just
be
good
enough,
you’ll
inspire
him
to
change.
This
is
the
trap
that
so
many
women
get
into.
What
we
want
to
realize
is
that
the
guy
out
there
for
you
is
inspired
by
himself
and
his
own
desire
to
be
a
better
person.
He
has
to
want
to
change
and
he’s
out
there
doing
that
work.
You
need
to
step
out
of
the
loop
of
this
guy
versus
that
guy
and
begin
to
open
up
the
realization
that
there
are
plenty
of
other
guys
out
there
who
are
working
on
themselves,
who
are
growing,
who
are
expanding,
who
are
going
deeper
and
deeper
into
becoming
the
best
person
they
can
be.
It’s
about
stepping
out
of
the
double
bind
or
the
blinders
that
say
there’s
really
only
two
types
of
guys
available
to
me.
That’s
about
doing
the
inner
work
on
yourself
to
become
available
to
that
other
guy
who
is
out
there
working
on
himself
for
himself.
So,
the
way
we
look
at
soul
mates
is
not
necessarily
that
there’s
one
soul
out
there
for
you
in
this
vast
sea
of
the
billions
of
people
on
the
planet
and
you’re
in
some
way
going
to
stumble
upon
him.
The
way
we
always
think
of
and
talk
about
a
soul
mate
partnership
is
this
idea
of
two
people
who
are
on
a
path
of
growth,
spiritual
growth,
personal
growth
-‐
whatever
that
is
and
they
come
together
in
relationship
to
support
each
other
in
the
continuation
of
that
growth.
This
idea
that
we’re
here
on
Earth
school
and
that
we’re
meant
to
learn
something
and
that
one
of
the
things
we’re
meant
to
learn
is
how
to
be
in
relationship
and
what
being
in
relationship
can
teach
us
more
about
ourselves.
Page
49
of
62
Orna:
One
of
the
things
that
Matthew
and
I
really
discovered
about
one
another
really
early
on,
which
was
so
delicious
about
coming
together,
was
that
we
had
both
realized
individually
when
we
were
alone
and
not
in
relationship
that
you
actually
grow
exponentially
when
you’re
in
partnership.
So,
the
work
of
doing
personal
growth
and
spiritual
growth
actually
accelerates
when
you’re
in
partnership
with
another
person.
Both
Matthew
and
I
had
come
to
a
place
where
we’re
like,
“Okay.
I’m
not
really
sure
what
else
I’m
supposed
to
do
on
my
own
here.
Where’s
my
partner
to
take
the
rest
of
the
road
together
with
me
now?”
And
that’s
really
what
we
call
a
soul
mate.
Somebody
who
wants
to
work
with
you,
so
that
they
can
grow
personally
and
spiritually
alongside
you.
Steve: And sometimes that would look like being triggered by them.
Matthew:
It
could
look
like
being
triggered
by
them.
Getting
triggered
can
be
the
clue
that
that
lets
you
know
you’re
looking
at
a
possible
soul
partnership.
That
a
true
soul
partnership
is
where
it
goes
from
there.
We’re
going
to
be
triggered
by
anybody
we’re
in
intimate
relationship
with.
The question is what do you do with the trigger?
Do
you
go
deeper
with
it?
Do
you
get
into
communication
about
it?
Do
you
learn
more
about
yourself?
Do
you
learn
how
to
grow
past
the
trigger
-‐
or
do
you
stay
in
that
ego
place
of
“I’ve
been
triggered
and
you’ve
in
some
way
made
me
wrong,”
or
“You’ve
in
some
way
done
something
that
triggered
me
and
you
need
to
do
something
about
that”?
Whether you really know you want to work on the relationship.
Now,
the
only
person
you
have
control
over
is
you.
So,
the
key
really
there
is
to
find
out
if
your
partner
is
willing
to
work
on
the
relationship.
So,
it’s
about
expressing
how
you
feel
and
using
the
tools
that
we’ve
given
you
of
the
steps
to
emotional
authenticity,
taking
all
the
responsibility
for
how
you’re
feeling
and
expressing
those
with
a
solution.
The
way
you’re
going
to
know
if
your
partner
is
able
to
meet
you
is
how
they
respond
to
you
being
authentic.
Do
they
meet
you?
When
you
step
up
and
say,
“This
is
how
I
feel,”
and
you’re
being
100%
authentic
-‐
that’s
a
very
high,
energetic,
vibrational
level
to
be
at.
It’s
really
like
sending
that
person
an
invitation.
It’s
like
an
invitation
to
say,
“Hi.
Please
meet
me
at
this
high
level
of
vibration
of
authenticity.”
Now,
some
people
will
meet
you
at
that
level
and
some
people
won’t
-‐
and
that
tells
you
about
where
they
are
in
their
journey.
So,
if
you’re
in
relationship
with
somebody,
you
want
to
know
if
they’re
able
to
meet
you
there.
You’re
just
sending
them
invitations
and
seeing
if
they
accept
your
invitation
and
step
up
to
that
place
of
being
authentic.
The
thing
about
leaving
a
relationship
and
starting
over
is
guess
what?
You’re
still
you.
So,
whatever
problems
you
didn’t
overcome
are
going
to
show
up
again
and
again.
So,
if
you’re
in
partnership
and
there
are
problems,
look
for
where
the
responsibility
of
those
problems
is
inside
of
you.
Then,
doing
the
work
on
you
will
start
to
shift
them.
Then
see
if
your
partner
will
meet
you
to
work
on
that
himself
as
well.
Now,
if
he’s
willing
to
work
on
himself,
guess
what?
Now
you
can
have
that
real
intimacy
and
create
that
soul
mate
connection.
Matthew:
And
the
other
piece
of
this
-‐
and
we
believe
so
strongly
in
this
that
this
was
actually
in
our
wedding
vows
-‐
is
this
idea
of
being
always
in
forgiveness.
Always
in
forgiveness
of
self
when
you
screw
up
and
always
in
forgiveness
of
your
partner
when
they
screw
up.
It
doesn’t
mean
that
you
allow
them
to
do
whatever
they
want
to
do
and
you
say,
“That’s
okay.
Anything
you
do
is
okay.”
But
it
does
mean
that
you
always
leave
open
the
space
for
forgiveness.
That
there
can
be
forgiveness
in
any
situation.
Now,
I
think
it
helps
if
that
person
is
meeting
you
at
that
deep
authentic
level.
If
they’re
not
able
to
do
that
or
they’re
not
willing
to
do
it
or
they
don’t
see
that
there’s
a
problem,
they
don’t
want
to
do
anything
-‐
then
you’ve
got
to
question.
Is
this
really
a
soul
partnership
or
is
this
just
two
people
coming
together
out
of
comfort
and
out
of
a
desire
for
companionship?
Steve:
The
last
thing
I
can
think
of
is
-
if
I’m
a
woman,
can
you
give
me
a
visualization
of
how
I
can
go
out
into
the
world
everyday
and
know
that
my
soul
mate
is
going
to
show
up?
And
that
I
can
bring
him
in
and
attract
him
in
the
most
powerful
way
possible?
Orna:
One
of
the
things
that’s
is
really
great
about
creating
a
relationship
you
really
desire
is
to
boil
it
down
to
something
that
you
know
you
really
desire
that
may
not
have
been
in
your
past
relationships.
So,
for
me,
there’s
that
whole
idea
of
having
respectful
love.
And
so
I
created
a
mantra
or
affirmation,
if
you
will,
that
I
found
so
helpful
-‐
I
just
started
saying
to
myself
all
the
time,
whether
I
was
going
to
go
meet
somebody
to
be
on
a
date
or
not.
Respectful
Love
Wherever
I
was,
I
was
constantly
affirming
this
thought:
The
men
I
love
are
loving
me
respectfully.
I
would
just
say
that
over
and
over.
So, if you’ve gotten that golden nugget for yourself – ask yourself
What’s a key ingredient for me, and how can I cultivate that?
Because
I
wasn’t
just
saying
this
affirmation
and
then
just
letting
it
lie.
I
was
saying
it
with
emotion,
and
I
was
practicing
respectful
love
with
everybody
in
my
life
in
that
moment.
I
was
practicing
giving
respectful
love
and
receiving
it
-‐
however
it
showed
up,
in
whatever
form.
Even
not
in
the
form
of
an
intimate
relationship.
For
me,
the
way
to
understand
that
is
to
look
at
a
phrase
that
so
many
of
us
use
in
our
everyday
conversation,
which
is:
“I
just
can’t
see
myself
doing
that.”
So,
if
you
say,
“I
want
a
true
soul
partnership
and
I
want
somebody
who
loves
me
respectfully
and
I
want
somebody
who
has
all
of
these
qualities
I
desire,”
but
you
can’t
see
them
because
they’re
just
intellectual
concepts
-‐
you
need
to
work
at
creating
what
would
that
look
like.
How
would
that
show
up
and
the
way
we
do
it
is
something
we
like
to
call
The
Ideal
Scene.
The
Ideal
Scene
is
thought
of
in
this
way:
What
evidence
would
I
need
in
my
life
to
know
that
I
am
in
a
soul
partnership?
So,
the
Ideal
Scene
is
that
first
scene
that
comes
to
mind:
We
would
be
doing
this
in
this
way...and
he
would
be
communicating
to
me
this
way...
and
I’d
be
responding
to
him
this
way...
...and
where
would
you
be
when
you’re
doing
it...and
what
would
you
be
seeing...and
what
colors
would
be
there...and
what
smells
would
be
there
and
what
emotions
would
be
there?
I
created
a
vision
board
on
New
Year’s
Day
of
the
year
that
I
met
Orna
and
there
were
three
images
of
women
on
that
board
-‐
and
all
of
those
images
had
women
with
dark
curly
hair.
Orna
has
dark
curly
hair.
I
was
very
clear
on
that
image
and
what
it
meant
to
me.
Yes,
that’s
a
physical,
outward
thing
that
I
was
physically
attracted
to,
but
within
those
pictures
were
also
all
these
words
and
images
of
that
whole
idea
of
spiritual
partnership.
It
was
all
woven
into
these
images
-‐
so
it
was
very
clear
to
me
what
it
looked
like
and
what
it
felt
like
and
what
it
was
going
to
be
like
when
I
got
it.
That
is
key.
Now,
the
other
key
is
“letting
go”
because
it’s
not
going
to
show
up
exactly
like
you
think
it
is.
I
had
two
Ideal
Scenes
-‐
and
when
I
met
this
other
woman
before
I
met
Orna,
I
acted
out
those
Ideal
Scenes
with
her.
I
intentionally
did
it
because
I
knew
“we’re
supposed
to
go
‘here,’”
so
I
took
her
to
that
place.
I
wanted
to
“see”
it
happening
and
I
essentially
tried
to
manufacture
it
-‐
but
when
I
met
Orna,
it
was
extremely
organic.
We
just
ended
up
in
the
places
I
saw
in
my
Ideal
Scenes,
and
doing
those
things.
It
want
until
we
were
“in”
a
certain
place
that
I
went,
“Oh,
wait
a
minute.
I’ve
seen
this
before.
I
know
what’s
going
on
here.”
That
it
was
a
realization
in
the
moment.
I
didn’t
have
to
“plan”
anything.
It
just
unfolded
that
way
–
the
way
of
my
Ideal
Scene.
Orna: I also want to share an experience of one of our clients:
In
her
Ideal
Scene,
when
we
asked
her
“What
evidence
would
you
need
that
you
will
have
met
your
soul
mate?”
-‐
for
her
it
was
a
first
meeting
with
a
man
where
they
shared
a
laugh.
It
was
really
important
to
her
that
they
would
share
a
laugh
-‐
and
it
was
so
cute,
because
she’s
in
a
relationship
now
and
she
called
me
up
a
couple
of
weeks
into
the
relationship
saying,
“Orna,
Orna.
You
won’t
believe
it.
I
met
this
guy
and
we’re
dating
and
I
know
it’s
really
early,
but
oh
my
gosh.
We
shared
a
laugh
and
it
happened
exactly
the
way
I
pictured
it.”
The
way
she
had
created
her
Ideal
Scene.
Page
55
of
62
So,
it’s
not
that
you’re
trying
–
I
love
that
Matthew
pointed
that
out.
It’s
not
that
you
manufactured
the
scene
to
happen.
It’s
that
when
it’s
happening,
it
almost
feels
like
a
déjà
vu.
You
almost
have
that
sense
of,
“Oh,
I’ve
been
here
before.”
It’s
because
your
mind
has
traveled
to
that
place
before.
It’ll
feel
familiar
to
you.
We
definitely
work
with
people
in
specific
ways.
We’ll
say,
“Create
a
list,”
and
we
do
that
in
a
very
specific
way
about
what
you
want.
Matthew
did
have
a
list.
He
had
a
list
of
20
items,
and
we
always
joked
that
I’m
19
1/2
out
of
the
20
items.
Now
I
really
didn’t
have
a
list.
I
certainly
had
my
deal-‐
breaker
list.
I
had
an
idea
of
what
I
wanted
very
specifically,
but
I
didn’t
write
down
a
specific
list
of
qualities.
I
left
space
for
the
things
I
wouldn’t
think
of.
I
left
space
-‐
for
me
that
space
is
God,
so
if
that
works
for
you,
great,
but
whatever
you
want
to
put
in
there.
I
left
space
for
God.
God
is
the
universe
to
support
me
and
say,
“Wow.
Wouldn’t
it
be
great
if
you
had
this.”
That
space
actually
made
it
possible
for
me
to
receive
a
man
into
my
life
who
I
didn’t
even
know
was
possible
for
me.
If
I
would
have
just
made
a
list,
I
would
have
left
things
out
that
Matthew
brings
to
the
table.
Things
that
I
absolutely
adore
about
him.
Yes,
create
the
scene,
visualize
it,
work
with
it,
and
when
it
shows
up
you’ll
know
-‐
but
every
single
detail
might
not
be
the
same.
You
might
not
be
wearing
that
black
dress
you
pictured
yourself
in.
It
might
be
a
red
dress
and
that’s
okay.
It’s
the
feelings
that
are
really
important.
It’s
the
emotion.
It’s
what
you’re
feeling
and
smelling
and
tasting.
It’s
those
visceral
things
that
are
going
to
tell
you
you’re
in
that
right
scene
and
that
you’re
with
your
soul
mate.
So,
if
it
didn’t
work
out
and
he’s
saying
it’s
over,
honor
what
he
says.
If
a
man
tells
you,
“I
don’t
want
to
work
on
it.
It’s
over,”
believe
him.
What
we
get
stuck
in
is
this
idea
of
the
rebound,
the
coming
back,
the
rekindling
of
something.
I
like
to
ask
our
clients,
“Would
you
rather
be
in
this
relationship
that
you
know
isn’t
working
or
would
you
rather
have
everything
that
you’ve
been
dreaming
of
having
in
a
relationship
with
somebody
you
don’t
know
yet?”
And
every
single
time
everybody
picks
the
new
discovery.
The
discovery
that
they
haven’t
experienced
yet.
You
can’t
say
or
do
the
right
thing
with
the
wrong
man
means
-‐
when
you
show
up
authentically,
and
you’re
in
the
practice
and
the
daily
practice
of
loving,
approving
and
accepting
yourself,
that
man
who
is
your
soul
partner
will
love
and
accept
you
and
honor
you
and
cherish
you.
And
he’ll
do
all
that
in
a
way
that
you
may
never
have
never
experienced
before.
You
can’t
screw
that
relationship
up.
I
could
sit
here
and
start
sharing
with
you
examples
of
how
Matthew
and
I
have
disappointed
one
another
and
some
people
would
say,
“Wow.
How
did
you
get
to
the
other
side
of
it?”
Well,
it
was
easy
to
get
to
the
other
side
of
it
because
he’s
the
right
man
for
me.
Page
58
of
62
Because
a
lot
of
Matthew’s
personal
stuff
is
this
idea
of
disappointment.
He
thinks
that
if
he
disappoints
somebody,
they’re
going
to
abandon
him.
So,
I
get
to
show
up
and
say,
“Oh,
you
disappointed
me.
That
sucks.
Oh
well.
Let’s
move
forward.”
So,
he
can’t
screw
this
relationship
up.
I
can’t
screw
this
relationship
up.
It’s
not
like
I
can
suddenly
do
or
say
something
that’s
going
to
make
him
say
forget
it.
I’m
over
it.
I’m
out
of
here.
It
doesn’t
work
like
that.
I
think
that’s
the
place
you
get
to.
That’s
what
we
mean
by
you
can’t
say
or
do
the
wrong
thing
to
the
right
man
because
when
you’re
in
that
place
it’s
like
you’re
both
here
to
work
this
out.
There
is
no
tipping
point
at
which
the
person
says
“I’m
done.
I’m
leaving.
That’s
it.
I’m
out.”
Orna:
And
what
we
want
you
to
have
the
understanding
of
-‐
is
that
when
you’re
in
the
soul
mate
partnership,
it’s
always
with
integrity.
So,
it’s
not
like
suddenly
my
deal-‐breakers
go
away,
but
Matthew
isn’t
the
kind
of
person
who
embodies
those
deal-‐breakers.
They
don’t
show
up
in
this
human
being.
When
he
“messes
up”
it’s
not
like
he’s
going
to
accidentally
hit
me
one
day.
That
will
never
happen.
This
man
is
not
capable
of
doing
that.
I
heard
this
actually
long
before
I
believed
it
to
be
true.
I
actually
was
like...
harrumphed.
I
heard
this
comment.
It
was:
When
you
meet
your
soul
mate
they
will
love
that
thing
about
you
that
made
all
the
others
leave.
They
will
love
that
thing
about
you.
And
I
was
like,
“Yeah
right.”
I
did
not
believe
that
then,
and
now
I’d
like
to
modify
it
slightly.
I’d
like
to
say:
“They’ll
either
love
that
thing
about
you
-‐
or
if
it’s
something
that‘s
really
perceived
as
a
negative,
they
just
don’t
see
you
as
embodying
that
quality.
I
know
this
because
every
single
guy
who
ever
broke
up
with
me
said,
“You’re
too
intense.
You’re
just
too
intense.
I
can’t
take
it.
I’m
out.”
That
was
basically
their
breaking
point.
My
“intensity.”
I
could
ask
Matthew
now
because
he’s
here.
Baby,
do
you
think
I’m
intense?
Matthew:
No.
I
think
you’re
passionate,
but
definitely
not
intense.
And
I
love
that
passion
you
have.
That’s
what
I
really
love.
It
was
on
my
list.
Passion.
So,
yeah,
it’s
exactly
that.
Your
soul
mate
doesn’t
see
that
thing
about
you
in
the
same
way
that
all
those
other
people
did.
So,
the
first
thing
that
happened
was
-‐
we
got
an
opportunity
to
speak
somewhere
and
somebody
said,
“We’d
love
to
have
both
of
you
speak.”
My
wife
is
a
manifestation
coach
and
I’m
a
hypnotherapist
-‐
and
they
thought
it’d
be
really
fun
to
have
us
talk
together.
So,
we
thought,
“What
are
we
going
to
talk
about?”
We
started
really
discussing
that
and
realized
what
we
both
have
is
a
passion
for
relationships
-‐
and
we
just
decided
to
jump
in
and
create
this
business.
But
the
real
back
story
is
more
about
what
we
did
to
find
each
other
that
became
the
backbone
of
what
we
do.
Orna:
One
of
the
things
that
happened
is:
When
Matthew
and
I,
even
when
we
started
dating,
very
quickly
we
realized
that
we
both
had
taken
very
intentional
paths
to
be
in
the
place
to
receive
one
another
and
to
receive
this
relationship
and
to
step
up
and
really
have
what
we
call
a
true
soul
partnership.
And
we
took
very
different
paths.
When
you
look
at
the
details
-‐
as
far
as
the
work
we
did
on
ourselves
separately
–
it
all
had
a
common
core.
It
was
all
really
tied
to
our
relationship
with
ourselves.
For
each
of
us,
it
was
about
overcoming
these
sort
of
internal
obstacles
so
we
could
be
in
a
place
where
we
could
really
accept
all
the
parts
of
ourselves,
really
be
open
to
receive
that
one
thing
that
we
really
wanted
and
not
settle
for
anything
less.
So,
when
we
had
that
opportunity
to
speak
together
and
decided
we
were
going
to
speak
about
relationships
-‐
when
we
really
started
Page
61
of
62
looking
at
it,
we
realized
we
had
all
of
this
knowledge
and
all
of
this
background
working
with
clients
on
different
issues,
but
the
core
issue
always
came
back
to
this
idea
of
your
relationship
with
yourself.
So,
it
really
evolved
from
there.
The
idea
of
us
being
the
“power
couple”
is
really
about
helping
our
clients
step
into
their
own
power
and
into
love.
Love
is
such
a
powerful
feeling.
It’s
such
a
powerful
force
-‐
and
so
many
people
are
blocked
from
receiving
that
one
thing.
So,
it
was
really
about
looking
at
what
was
our
path
to
each
other.
And
then
creating
ways
to
help
other
people
utilize
those
tools
and
skills
we’ve
honed,
so
they
could
be
open
to
receive
love
as
well.
Steve:
So,
do
you
tend
to
work
with
people
individually
or
do
you
kind
of
pass
them
back
and
forth
between
you
to
work
on
different
aspects?
Or
do
you
actually
get
together
–
the
three
of
you
-
and
then
have
a
conversation
between
all
of
you?
Matthew:
We
get
together
with
three
people.
It’s
the
two
of
us
as
“the
coach”
and
then
our
client
that
we’re
working
with.
We’ve
found
that
it’s
a
seamless
process.
That
we
work
together
very
smoothly
and
very
easily
and
it
flows
back
and
forth
between
the
cognitive
stuff
that
we
both
know
and
also
what
we
call
the
tools
of
transformation
that
we
love
to
use.
So, when you get us, you get us and you get us at the same time.
Find
out
more
about
Orna
and
Matthew
and
the
programs
they
offer
to
help
you
create
the
love
and
life
you
want
at
their
website
CreatingLoveOnPurpose.com