Conscious Parenting.

We shouldn’t look at just raising the child, we also need to look at raising the parent. Any profound
influence we want to have on another can only come from a profound transformation & influence
within ourselves. We are brought up in a culture where babies are born into our lives and we are
encouraged to mould and puppeteer and raise them either as ‘pictures of perfection’ based on the
images messages we are inundated with from external media and society. When we are not aware of
our own inner beliefs stemming from our own childhoods and upbringing, too often we treat our
children as extensions of ourselves, without acknowledging that they are sovereign unique beings in
their own right. We project our own beliefs and conditioning onto our children and they absorb and
copy them as we are their prime models. Any time we are angry or disappointed with our children for
‘not’ being or doing what we want them to do or be, it is from our own internal conflicts and issues, not
the child’s – we want them to do or be certain things which they aren’t doing or being at that point in
time. We are externalising our own inner insecurities and programming to our child. We project when
our children don’t automatically pick or follow us in our passions, perceived talents or behaviours (for
example, “we are such a musical family but he can’t sing or hold rhythm” – “ we are so sporty but he is
useless at sports” ; “I am so mild mannered but she is so noisy and loud”….etc)

We need to detach from the idea that we are raising a ‘mini me’ and become aware of our connection
to our child and to ourselves. We need to get rid of the expectation that our child will be a perfect
version of all the pieces that we wanted to be ourselves – eg, a cross between the Dalai Lama, Bill Gates,
Julia Roberts, etc, etc, – a perfect blend of a ‘perfect’ blend of a person which doesn’t actually exist and
we haven’t attained ourselves. The more expectations we have, the more scope we have to be
disappointed. When we turn this expectation into discipline or anger, it will push the child into
withdrawal, resentment and inner pain/belief that she or he isn’t enough… Discipline doesn’t work,
because it is fear based, not example or learning based. We wouldn’t treat an adult the same way. Why
not? It is often based on the helplessness of the parent & is fear driven. We aren’t often aware that the
’problems’ we see are symptoms of something else – both inside of ourselves and in the behaviour of
our child. It takes a lot more self-awareness , time and ‘work to get the child to buy-in without the use of
threats or violence, especially when we are tired & stressed and don’t have much time. We can also look
at how our child is helping elevate us to raise our self-awareness and mindfulness and be grateful for
this. It is a practice, it is an evolving process, it is chaotic and it is constantly improving. We know we
have a schedule, that we need 7-9 hours sleep and have a meeting tomorrow. Our child doesn’t know or
appreciate this. Part of this is surrendering to the chaos, and to let go the desire for control and ease
into the chaos, ebbs and flows of life and madness. Ease into connection rather than control. Control &
punishment and ego backfire and lead to more stress & disappointments from missed expectations.
Don’t look at the surface behaviour and look at what is the need - what is under the ‘bad’ behaviour. Go
to the heart of the behaviour and allow them to be in their emotional state without trying to fix it. Look
at your own behaviour and reactions/anxiety and see where they come from – it isn’t from your child. It
is from your own upbringing and from the past & social conditioning. Become aware of the present
moment and what is truly being demanded of me now…how am I acting or reacting? When I run and
give my child a huge hug or kiss & ask excitedly how was your day? And they don’t react with the same
enthusiasm – it isn’t about us, it is about them wanting space or their own way of communication, not
just to fit or match with our expectations. Do you believe that you are ‘enough’? If not, that will be
transferred to the child subconsciously or consciously in words, controls, expectations, reactions and
communication rather than connection. The traditional parenting paradigm doesn’t ask the parent to
look at themselves for their actions & reactions etc, for their child’s behaviour. We often try to achieve a
sense of significance by extolling our child’s virtues on FB & social media. In this we are trying to validate
our own need for praise, attention or worthiness through our child. What is the root of this?

There are no good or bad children. Does good mean becoming a puppet, sheep or parrot and doing as
they are told without rebelling? Or is it someone who mirrors our expectations & who we are – our
beliefs, attitudes, work ethics, etc? And if they are otherwise are they ‘bad”? If they are ‘bad” then
celebrate because they will make you question everything your beliefs & conditioning are based on and
also show you their own unique sovereign being in the process of growing, learning, tasting and
experiencing life. Is “good” just comfortable and “bad“ uncomfortable? When do you answer, act, react
or show through love and when through fear? Saying “I just want my kid to be happy” when we push
them through results, sports, acheivements, etc….isnt sustainable. Life isn’t all happiness – we need to
allow life to happen and allow them have all their experiences and be there as the guide & safety net
when our children need us. The beauty of parenting is exposure to the unknown, not trying to control
and manufacture the narrative. Being in the present moment gives us space and time to what is
happening and how to be in that moment.

We need a licence to drive a car. But if someone told us they were giving us a job to be responsible for
the emotional, spiritual, physical, mental and material wellbeing of another helpless being what is our
reaction? We usually parent as reactive. Not proactive & allowing. Are you serving your child? After an
argument, incident, lesson, time shared with your child, w if your child walks away after making a
mistake saying “I made a mistake, what can I learn” rather than “I made a mistake I am such a loser”…
which is the healthiest? The 2 most common beliefs are” I am not good enough” and “Im not
important”. If we criticise our child, we are feeding one of both of these beliefs. Every child craves 3
‘A’s - affection, attention and acknowledgement. Every child asks “why”…? So if we criticise them or
don’t give them deliberate attention they will ask why am I not good enough or not getting attention,
therefore why am I not loveable? We can reframe our language to allow for this “I know what you have
to say is really important, so can I listen to the whole thing when I finish this phone call? Again, they will
perceive and interpret being ignored or shouted at as “other people’s stuff is more important than mine,
so I mustn’t be important” or “I must be bad because they are shouting at me”. When we are loving,
connected and give them truthful loving answers, we are allowing our child the freedom to be
themselves & express themselves. Otherwise we are allowing what we think others are thinking to
dictate how we react, act and be with our children. We stop the chain of dysfunction from previous
generations from being passed onto another generation. Ask ourself ‘what will our child believe about
themselves as a result of our time together?’ Acknowledge both their efforts and being rather than just
the results and the doing…Praise creates approval junkies – needing approval & validation from outside;
rather than acknowledge their beings and processes while doing what they do. The greatest thing we
can give our ourselves and our children is an inner voice…”what are the consequences of my words or
action going to be and how are they going to affect me and anyone else?” Rather than what will others
think of you? You/they will never please everybody. Shift from being the boss of the child to be the
childs guardian angel. If you say “..because I said so” they are basically hearing that they are powerless…
and this will breed a resentment & rebellion until they react with “oh, yeah , watch this then, I’ll show
you who’s boss”…to show their power. The guardian angel will talk slowly connect and explain in a way
that the child can understand as well as acknowledge their uniqueness and intelligence. See them and
who is really in there. “good behaviour” is a judgement. Get rid of 4 words – good, bad, right and wrong.
Paint pictures with words rather than judgements. We want to raise a child who doesn’t place value on
just achievements, but on what they can do, create, be, and contribute…The happiest you are is when
you make a positive difference in someone elses life – because that is saying on every level “I matter”.
So get rid of judgements and one word answers and instead connect and paint pictures. Even seeming
loving behaviour can have negative long term consequences…if we as parents try to do everything for
our child saying “I’ll do that for you/give it to me for a second” etc they will grow with the perception
and belief that they cant do things, are not capable or need to be perfect. They will be reluctant to try
new things in case they don’t work out. It fosters dependence or independence. If you want to know if
something is healthy or unhealthy –as yourself if your child is hurting themselves, another person or
thing. With judgements – e.g. right and wrong - when you think you have the right answer, questioning
stops. When questioning stops, so does learning. When learning stops so does exploring. Always be
open to new possibilities…Answer “Im not sure but heres what I think”…Its not about straight A’s it is
about learning and the journey, learning how to think and be creative. When you see negative beliefs –
see where the child is coming from. If they said “Im useless at maths/etc” slow down and don’t
immediately contradict them. Ask them where they got that belief from. Validate their feelings and
agree with how you could see that they think they are useless at …. Break it up as a reality and ask
smaller questions into how it could be possible. And help them see other possibilities. When we have
beliefs we will ‘see’ lots of evidence to validate those beliefs. But heres the thing – everything we see
has a colour, shape and location. we cannot see beliefs. So “John doesn’t like me” is a belief….You child
has a belief that he thinks what he saw is a belief” – ‘I saw Mammy looking at her phone therefore I am
not worthy of her attention” “I am useless at maths because teacher wrote my name on the board”. So
when a child gets a belief, try and get them to see physical evidence of that and talk it through with
them. Start acknowledging their actions and the processes in their actions, e.g. “you drew that all by
yourself?” rather than give a final judgement like “wow that’s very good” …It also lets them know that
you notice what they are doing and that what they do is important – just as important as the result. It
also separates them from the result and personifying the result (I am…good/bad/failure/ etc)..It also
gives them the freedom to say “I am capable…”Always ask questions by getting them to validate &
examine their experiences.
Fear and Being afraid

According to Margee Kerr , a sociologist and author of Scream: Chilling Adventures in the Science of
Fear , kids have the same fear triggers as adults, but they’re turned up to 11. “Their imaginations can be
really powerful and get the best of them,” she says. “They can’t make rational arguments yet, so that
lack of ability to make sense of things can contribute to monster stories becoming really scary —
because they can’t figure out what’s real.” The first thing you absolutely should not do when your kid
starts freaking out about ghosts is tell them they’re not real. “The worst thing to tell a kid is ‘Don’t be
scared,’ ” says Kerr. “You’re basically telling a kid that their experience is wrong, and that can lead to all
kinds of pathology down the road.” Let them believe in ghosts — like Santa or the Easter Bunny — until
they reach the age when they call bullshit. “Or, they can decide they do believe in ghosts,” she says.
Much like talking about where babies come from, talking about where ghosts come from can open up a
whole containment unit of issues. “If your kid all of a sudden starts asking about ghosts and what
happens when we die, stay consistent in whatever the child’s worldview is,” says Kerr. “If the family has
never engaged in those religious ideas before, go more into imaginative play realm.” The topic will come
up again and again — especially when there’s a death in the family  — because this topic is as
mysterious and terrifying for kids as it is for your middle-aged brain. The first step is to tailor the
message to their age. Often parents sidestep the question by saying the deceased “went away” or “went
to sleep for awhile.” That can actually increase a kids’ anxiety because they’ll ask follow-up questions
like “When are they coming back?” or “What happens if I just never go to sleep?” Younger kids may not
understand the idea of permanence, so if you’re talking to a 3-year-old, try making the example
concrete without talking about the great beyond. Like flowers — when they die they don’t need water
or sunshine anymore, they just go back to the dirt. Same with grandma.

With older kids, they want to know what’s going to happen to you. “Most times when kids are asking
about death, they want to understand that they’re going to be protected and safe, and that even if their
parents die it doesn’t mean that they’re going to be alone,” says Kerr. Just don’t promise things like
you’ll be a cooler ghost dad.

There are ways to raise kids to be comfortable with fear, especially in the dark: Get out the crayons.
“Don’t try to teach them that fear is avoidable. Acknowledge the fear and ask them questions about
what they’re feeling and experiencing. That way they’ll learn that the way to move through something
scary is to think and talk about it,” says Kerr. “Having kids draw their monsters or ghosts has shown to
be really helpful. You can even have them make a story around it, and guide that story to one that has a
positive or playful ending.” Or you can just buy a book  that has a happy ending. Monsters Inc:  Good for
kids. Saw 4:  Good for sadists. Kerr says that depending on the child, you should typically wait until
they’re 7 or older before showing them anything too graphic. “That image might really stick with them,
and they still might not grasp that it’s fake,” she says. You may know that those creatures are just the
wizardry of Rick Baker , but your kid can’t help but internalize it. Now they have nightmares. And now
you’re awake all night.
Unique abilities and emotional resilience

ADHD is like having a Ferrari for a brain but with only bicycle brakes to slow it.. so it should be a reason
for rejoicing instead of shame or worry. We just need to harness the power and strengthen the brake
system. Many well known & successful entrepreneurs and trailblazers have what is now known as
probably ADHD. Like a hydroelectricity turbine – it can harness the waterfall into something really
powerful & beneficial. ADHD isn’t a deficit of attention, it is an abundance of attention. It shoud be
known as ASS – Attention Surplus Syndrome! It can also be labelled as VAST – Variable Attention
Stimulus Trait. Ross Barclay said that untreated, ADHA can cost an average of 15 years of your life.
Jetblue airlines founder, as well as Yahoo executive Tim Armstrong, has it. How to turn this into an
asset? All medical definitions are termed as ‘deficit’ ‘dysfunction’ ‘disorder’ – all negative and
stigmatised. It should be seen as something that can be unwrapped and celebrated as a gift. The biggest
undiagnosed group with ADHD are adult women – they are being misdiagnosed as depressed, stressed,
anxiety, etc and being medicated for that. Three of the main pillars for diagnosing ADHD are
Distractability – the flip side of this is curiosity – “Whats that? whats that? and That? Curiosity can’t be
taught. Curiosity is what drives discovery. Discovery is what drives new ideas, inventions, services and
ways of doing things. Impulsivity – the flip side of impulsivity is creativity – creative sparks being
channelled into a direction and a narrative…You don’t plan to have a creative thought, they come often
unannounced. Impulse can be harnessed into channelling & directing this creativity towards something
which is created, no matter what that is. Most creative ideas don’t come on demand, they pop up.
People who are too controlling will censor & discipline any creativity out of themselves or allow it to
happen – they wont allow spontaneity or impulses to enter their thought processes and to stay or take
root there. The third diagnosing piller of ADHD is hyperactivity. The flip side of this is ‘energy’ - which is
a huge plus as we get older.

Getting rid of the negativity and stigmatism starts with education and reassessing it as a gift to be
harnessed. After that a review of lifestyle is very important – including diet, outlook and exercise –
especially exercise which stimulates the cerebellum. The cerebellum is the part of the brain at the back
of the skull and contains more than half of the neurons in the entire brain. It is involved with movement,
auto-motocity function, co-ordination and balance. It is highly connected to the frontal lobes which are
responsible for cognitive skills, emotions, problem solving, memory, language and judgement. It also
means that people with ASS don’t feel safe or secure. So if we do exercises which challenge and
stimulate a person’s balance this has a really positive affect in building up the connections between
frontal and cerebellum. Sitting on exercise ball with feet off the floor, standing on one foot and later
with eyes closed, standing on wobble boards, skateboarding or ski-ing, scooters – anything that
challenges the balance functions. This along with plenty of physical exercise both aerobic to bring
oxygen to the brain and anaerobic to build strength and resilience, but a regime where there is a larger
content of aerobic is probably more beneficial. Make sure there is a healthy sleep habit with plenty of
quality sleep and rest. Try not to have this sleep under medication as this isn’t quality. If you can
meditate this is hugely beneficial. Wholefood and healthy nutrition, stay from junk food, processed
carbohydrates, sugars and chemicals - artificial colours, flavourings or additives. Detox as many heavy
metals, pesticides and chemicals from your body and help it build up using enzymes, supplements and
probiotics. Lastly, they/we need lots of positive human contact, stimulant and connection. Sometimes
dogs/pets are good as well. Coaching to help you get organised and channel that energy and organise.
Any extra medication should be taken in that context and not without. Target symptom improvement –
focus, memory, organisation etc with no side effects except appetite suppression without unwanted
weight gain. Give support, loving attention and let them feel safe. Create a safe environment for them to
be stimulated and to harness their abilities. Don’t tell them to ‘try harder” – that is the equivalent of
telling someone who is near-sighted to squint harder. It misses the fundamental biological issue and
casts it as a problem to be solved through medication, self-discipline and effort - sowing shame and
making the people hide, rather than seeing it as a positive condition to be harnessed and unwrapped.
Forget the clinical term because it doesn’t describe it or the person at all. When you diagnose with this
condition, highlight the positives & Ferrari/bike analogy as well as VAST or ASS – then they will be far
more likely to both embrace it as being part of their way of thinking rather than internalising it and
seeing themselves as inferior and inadequate – where they won’t want medication or extra tutoring, etc.
Reframe it as showing how to work on their brakes in a non-shaming way. Don’t lose sight of the big
picture. There are people at the top of every profession from doctors, presidents, CEO’s and inventors,
Nobel winners who have this condition. Present it as a dream maker rather than dream breaker. Present
it as a good diagnosis but with work to be done to unwrap the condition. Root it in a strength based
approach. 9% of children in US diagnosed with this condition. And along with diagnosis, often before it
because of both biological neural pathways & fear and also stigma and shame-based pressure being put
on the child, they grow with really big self-esteem and shame issues.
Self esteem and emotional issues in children

Dealing with children who have chronic self-esteem issues and anxiety/emotional resilience issues.

This short story may help you change  your perspective about your own self-worth…
A popular  speaker started off a seminar by holding up €100.
A crowd of 200 had gathered to hear him speak.
He asked, “Who would like this €20 note?”
200 hands went up.
He said, “I am going to give this €20 to one of you but first, let me do this.”
He crumpled up the bill.
He then asked, “Who still wants it?”
All 200 hands were still raised.
“Well,” he replied, “What if I do this?”
Then he dropped the bill on the ground and stomped on it with his shoes.
He picked it up, and showed it to the crowd.
The bill was all crumpled and dirty.
“Now who still wants it?”
All the hands still went up.
My friends, I have just shown you a very important lesson.
No matter what I did to the money  , you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth €20.
Many times in our lives, life crumples us and grinds us into the dirt.
We make bad decisions or deal with poor circumstances.
We feel worthless.
Yet, no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
You are special…

They ask so many what if…”questions…”what if I don’t get good grades…what if they don’t like

me…what if the person I love (Mam/Da/etc) dies…what if they leave me here….what if no-one likes me
or want to be my friend…what if …what if…what if….”Even with compassionate and loving parents , this
can still happen to a child. Sometime s they will create an imaginary shield or hero character around
themselves so they think nothing can hurt them. With this, the child can become an emotional stoic –
when asked about friends, day, etc they just answer ‘fine’ no matter what or how the day was…They do
this a lot when they don’t want to show their pain or cause worry. When doing this, they are stockpiling
lots of hurts and keeping them inside until such a time as they can no longer hold them and it bursts –
usually in an emotional or mental and physical breakdown. Coupled with this is usually depression and
really low self-love and esteem. So while in one part of their lives they may seem to function ok on the
surface – career, etc, on another side they can be really immature or lacking in eg. dealing with
challenges. They wont allow themselves to meet their pain, to acknowledge it or allow it surface. What
is needed as children is the ability or tools and awareness to interact with how we feel. This is a
universal skill – applying to everyone, both children and adults everywhere. It leads to emotional
transformation. Otherwise the child will learn to hide their big feelings and go away for few minutes,
gather themselves, bury the emotion and hurt that caused that emotional response – and also the
hidden unconscious belief that having to bury & hide your hurt brings along with it. They then turn back
with ‘acceptable’ emotions. This can also happen with ‘time-out’ spaces given by teachers and parents,
no matter how lovingly. The child will interpret it as “my emotions are bad and shouldn’t be shown, I
must hide them” and they are buried inside with the belief that they and the child is wrong. Instead we
ned to show the child how to interact with their feelings and not deny them. This emotional
transformation requires mindfulness, but this can be taught and adopted by both the child and the
parent/teacher. It isn’t about changing the emotion in the child, it is about changing the child’s
relationship with that emotion. We need to teach the child that their emotions are like messages – so to
feel our feelings and interact them and use them to our advantage, rather than internalise them and
pretend everything is ok. When we start pretending everything is ok, it brings along stress, anxiety,
repressed anger, hurt, shame, feeling of not being enough and shame regarding inability to be true. It
takes a lot of energy to suppress what is going on inside. It is like having to keep a secret that you are
not allowed to tell anyone but you are burning to tell someone. What eventually happens is that the
child gets used to doing this, and acting what they think is ‘acceptable’ or ‘normal’ and building up this
suppression and feeling of guilt, frustration and anxiety until their bodies and minds eventually can’t
take it anymore and they ‘break’ –usually after some traumatic event. One in 3 children will be
diagnosed with an anxiety disorder by the time they are 18. As parents, carers and teachers we must
also look at allowing, forgiving and accepting ourselves and the emotions & hurts we repressed when we
were growing up, in often far more restrictive environments. We can’t expect to change or ask a child to
change if we aren’t willing to do it ourselves; and we can’t fully understand the child or allow them or
ourselves to grow until or unless we are willing to go there ourselves. Add to this, are we micromanaging
our child and protecting them from all harms or are we allowing them to take reasonable risks and
explore both themselves and the world and how it works? If we micromanage, we create a world of
fear, sterility, control and repression. Because when we don’t allow them to take reasonable risks, we
are disconnecting them from their own inner voice, their own natural sense of exploration, experiment
and discovery. Tap into your inner superhero and ask what would they do…allow the child to practice it
and watch as they get better…We are their guide, allow them to fail and to fall. Try to do this without
self-judgment. Be the childs guide. Teach them that it is ok to have feelings. If we judge, try to fix
without understanding what is really beneath the tears we will break our connection and
communication. Listen to them and also to yourself Is your language – body & verbal distancing them
and causing them to withdraw or is it allowing them to share and communicate their meanings and
feelings. The easiest way to pass through a breakdown is to just allow – no words or trying to fix, stop or
change it…give the space and maybe address with love and communication later. Practice being mindful
outside of these situations, being aware of yourself and your bodies reactions and actions. This will
serve us well when we too often come across our child having a meltdown when we are going out the
door to school in the morning and we are late. Noticing and naming emotions on a regular basis out loud
is a good way of becoming familiar and allowing our emotions the space to be and then transform them
into positive actions and positive self-image without internalising or shaming. Separate the emotion &
feeling away from their true personal identity and the light they have inside them Tell them they have a
very strong light inside which is still shining and that it is still there as who they are. Start practising and
also getting them to practise saying “I feel..” or “I am starting to feel….” rather than “I am…” and they
will start to see a difference between their identity and the feeling or emotion. The emotion is a
temporary message and not the permanent identity of who they truly are in their divine unique
magnificent sovereign beings. It also helps them to become an observer of their experience. When
children are children and babes – they are truly mindful in tasting, smelling, touching, exploring and
experiencing as many things in their path and lives as possible. By controlling and limiting that we are
disconnecting them from their natural urges and feelings and their inbuilt mindfulness. Trust that your
emotion has a purpose and a message. Listen to what message and purpose it is trying to show. Guilt
shows a moral compass, anger protects our boundaries and lets us know what those boundaries are,
stress and anxiety can be protective mechanisms. Trust that we are the master of the message, of our
emotions and feelings - we are just reading and seeing the message and understanding it without
letting it control or overcome us. A lot of the anxiety and repressed emotions and lack of emotional
resilience is caused by a loss of our childhood. From loss of free play, risk and exploration to more sterile
playgrounds, cause & effect, risk protections, controls and standards in everything from grades to
behaviour to dress to social norms & media. Children are being expected to be able to read and write in
kindergarten and then the parents put them under social & mental pressure to be able to perform this
and to a certain standard, comparing them to others or to social norms instead of allowing them to grow
and learn in a more natural & less stressful judgemental rhythm. Allowing the child to play is actually
growth for the brain. Again learning how to balance and stand as well as problem solve outside helps
with their neural network growth and ADHD condition. Not to mention letting them explore and run off
their excess energy. Transfer the stress response into an excitement response and reframe it into
anticipation and excitement. Again, listen to the stress or the anxiety. What message is it trying to give?
Why is this happening? Can we reframe that into something positive? (Stress = now; anxiety = future) .
We also need to let our children know that anxiety isn’t all bad. We can also let them know it is a good
thing – “did you know it can be a good thing or can be used in your favour?”

With the child we can teach them the 3 ‘C’s : Catch your thought; Collect evidence – think accurately,

not necessarily positively – is what you are feeling accurate to what is happening or going to happen?

Change based on evidence. For parents who want to help their children - use the FEEL method: 1.
Freeze – stop and listen to your child instead of jumping in and trying to stop or fix. 2. Empathise - really
lean in and listen to the child and also what the underlying message they are trying to give. You will
know if you are getting eth empathy thing right if/when the child looks and can see they are seen or are
being seen and heard. 3. Once we get to this point, then we can Educate, try to problem solve and help
with coping skills and methods. 4. Let go – of the guilt that you have caused or a part of the anxiety that
the child has, that they learned it from you or you are doing something wrong - and also allow the child
to let go of any guilt or shame they have in displaying or having these feelings or emotions. We are our
child’s hero and if we look at what heroes do, they allow, guide, teach and let go.

If we don’t acknowledge our emotions and allow them to be expressed, they become part of a pattern

with which we run or relate to our lives. Fear, anger, worry, doubt, sadness, grief are all emotions which

if continually carried inside and not acknowledged can lead to negative thought systems, beliefs and
outlooks and how we show up in our lives. We need to separate the emotion from the thought and
allow the emotion come to light so we can process it. If we don’t stop the emotion from engaging with
the thought it will result in overreaction and personalising as well as internalising any and all future
setbacks or challenging situations. So it will become a litany of all the times someone did wrong, all the
times they didn’t do x or y or z all coming out in an overflow of bile, hurt or repressed anger. If we
isolate the thought from the emotion and process the emotion with love, clarity & critical thinking (e.g.,
“I have every right to be angry, but if I let go now I will ruin the whole night or occasion, etc” - but if I
allow the anger to come up – calmly explain how I feel to the other person or to ourselves and let it go
as part of seeing the bigger picture & also expressing ourselves with love, then we will have a far more
enjoyable night, and so will everyone else. If I stay angry all day or night – who is really suffering? So
who hold onto that suffering & ruin my own night or day? Release and heal the emotion which is
blocking the divine love & light that is within you and is flowing to you & around you. If we feel bad we
usually focus on what we don’t want.

Some people have an inflated image of their reality. Then there are those who have a good grip on who
they are, and their range of abilities and self-worth  .
Unfortunately, there are also those people who suffer from a debilitating condition involving their self-
beliefs  that can actually lead to a shortened lifespan and physical health problems that arise from
stress.

You don’t need fixing because you are broken, you need healing & love because you are hurting.
What is going on here – what is happening now?
What is our most helpful, meaningful & effective response?
Every single living thing is seeking to evolve to express its true nature –that which it was blessed with
before birth and which it carries deep inside. So many of our damaging earlier experiences can block up
and hide this truth and our own truth and cover it with layers and layers of fear, lack, negative and
unloving self-images. We are all one. We are being invited to remember who we truly are through
challenges in which we react in a way which isn’t what we truly are or what we stand for. One-ness
creates one-ness. It is in moments like these where we are challenged - which we can respond with one
of two directions. A creator of outcomes or a reactor of incomes – helping yourself, others and the wider
community. Music won’t stop, nor will the wind stop blowing or the sun stop shining. Our hearts will
beat and our light inside is still shining, however brightly we allow or see it to. So these situations can
bring us one step closer to who we truly are or it can keep us where we stay in a state of reaction and
fear. Step back take a breath and see which one.
Motivating Children to do homework

Come to the place where you remember that all children are good, unselfish and have the desire to do
the right thing. How to guide them without breaking their spirit.

Think of a time when you were a kid and had to do homework…how was it? Did you have a set time &
place? Was there a structure? Was it supervised? How & Who? Did someone check your homework to
see if it was done properly? How long did it last? Did you like it? How would you have liked to get
homework? How would you have liked your parents to support you?

Every child has a different learning style and learning need. There are different types of motivation –
internal and external. And there is a difference between encouragement and praise. What is the
difference? External motivation comes from praise, from comparing, from rewards based on praise,
comparison with ‘normal’ or ‘others’ and pleasing standards for your parents. Praising focusses on
external end results and external stimuli – “what’s in it for me?”. If or when they decide they don’t want
that end result anymore, then there is no motivation to do well. Praise focuses on external results and
motivation, but importantly, it fosters fear of failure…”what if I don’t get that grade or result”? Is she
still going to love me, am I still going to get the reward, etc? This is also the breeding ground for self-
doubt, and lack of self-worth or care – where the child places their perceived worth on external values
or perceived external opinions rather than on internal intrinsic beliefs and love.

Rather than our instinct of instant praise “good boy” or “good girl” – which is external motivation – try
to look at how we can nurture their internal motivation and will through encouragement. Remember
also, that it is never too late, and this isn’t about beating ourselves up or feeling bad because we have
done things wrong for 5,6 or10 years with our child – we are and were all part of the learning process
and were doing what we could with what we knew. It is never too late to start learning new ways of
doing things. And that will also be seen by our child, as part of the curriculum that we are. As soon as we
respond to them differently, they will see that and respond to that differently as well.

Children are born wanting to love us, to please us, to make us proud. And if we don’t care for that
longing – if we misuse it through our language or demands, they will outgrow it very quickly while also
forming the belief that Daddy or Mammy aren’t proud of them, they aren’t good enough or worthy of
being proud of. Our language and responding over time to them is so, so important. It is part of the
mechanisms for how they see themselves and what they do. Rather than instant praise them for all their
grades, ask the how they feel about it and how they feel about the A’s and then the B’s. Do it in a light,
listening, loving positive way, no judgement or preconditions. Encourage them to talk about it, how they
feel, what they are thinking and how they got to that place of As or Bs. Then give positive feedback
about what really delighted you was the way they wanted to tell you their grades and how you saw
them working so hard and doing their best and this was the result, and also how insightful they were.
Ask them if they could do anything differently and why. Repeat what they say and let them hear what
they said. This will help them foster internal motivation – let them do the talking. Want to find out how
they feel, what their assessment of the situation is – let THEM do the talking, not you or your viewpoint
or judgement. Otherwise you will not know how that B might be the best they could have done & how
they really shone in that subject. Help them motivate THEMSELVES to be proud, and you celebrate how
proud they are by commenting and feeding back on this in a positive way. Encouragement is based on
the process, not the result, and on internal feelings, self-direction. Praise is a pat on the head,
encouragement is lifting them up and helping them see how worthy they and their efforts are and your
reaction is to their sense of self-worth. Encouragement builds longer term confidence and character.
Praise is short-lived and doesn’t give them the power or foundation within themselves to genuinely
believe that they are able to elevate themselves or make powerful decisions or actions. Our knowing the
difference is really important both to us and to our child and their belief, motivation and journey. Find
out what our child’s goals are using this listening perspective.

How do we find out what our child’s goals are? Ask leading questions…rather than “did you do your
homework?” Remember they have been in school all day and don’t necessarily want to go back to more
books and work.
Screen time management and managing Tech time!

We feel comfortable when we have labels and boxes to put people into, because it avoids us having to
delve deeply into our own inner beliefs, prejudices or judgements. It also helps avoid having to look at
the deeper underlying story of the object of our labels or judgements. It also doesn’t tell us WHY the
problem, story or behaviour is happening. It helps us to look at WHY the behaviour is there, not just
what the behaviour is or that the child or person = behaviour. It also helps save time and energy in
trying just to ‘cure’ symptoms in trying to get to the root of what is going on.

When we look at what behaviour or attitudes and traits we want our child to grow up wit, we must first
remember that WE as primary caregivers and parents are the main curriculum that they are following
and copying. We must look at the modelling which we are giving them –in both the unconscious
behaviours, language and attitudes we have as well as the conscious deliberate language and behaviour
we display with them. If we want our child to change their behaviour or emotional health, we must also
look at how WE can change as well, and what role we are playing in their development. They are
reflecting a huge amount of what we are giving or showing them.

Regarding screen time – we can’t be on our laptop and our faces or fingers in our phones even while
eating, and then expect our child to be ok with being rationed just one hour of screen time. It cant be
“do as I say and not as I do”. How are you modelling a healthy relationship with technology with your
children?

It is important to recognise the benefits & scope of technology.

Benefits: social contact, keeping in touch with extended families & friends; broader array of people and
experiences; access to information and exposure to new ideas, explore things they previously couldn’t
or didn’t know existed.

Technology isn’t bad. We are the first generation of parents who are raising their children in an era of
24/7 media & internet exposure and variety. We don’t have any models to base what to do on. Our
parents & our own childhoods didn’t have these experiences, we don’t really have anything to go by. So
we are not only trying to find out for our children, we are also trying to find out for ourselves. The area is
so new that research and information is only starting to emerge which can give us an idea of what is
healthy and what is not.

There is a lot of research done by different international bodies which shows the negative effects of
placing toddlers and young children passively in front of screens for any prolonged amounts of time.
There is also research into the effects of differing amounts of noise, information, light, violence and
images which a young and growing child is exposed to on their communication, lingual and cognitive
development as well as their behavioural development. Any time over 30-40 minutes just passively
sitting in front of the screen without adult interaction, when this is done regularly – it can have negative
effects on the child’s behaviour as well as creativity, communication and social skills. One factor on
which all studies agree is that excessive screen time always contributes to a deterioration of creativity,
social skills and behavioural development. A lot of modern parenting involves working from home while
trying to look after our children, and often this means putting our child in front of a tv, computer, tablet
or phone with what we think are appropriate or interactive programmes for them to watch. When they
get up or aren’t interested in watching after a while it tells us a lot about their need for actual physical
interaction as well as how much they are able to absorb & interact in different ways to what they are
watching on screen. Many times our frustration is more that we need a strategy to keep them occupied
and engaged while we ‘have peace’ to do our work, etc. No parent desires their child to spend 10 – 12
hours a day in front of a screen. They desire the child to be able to entertain & occupy themselves in age
appropriate activities without the need for constant supervision. But since screens of different kinds
have become so accessible and portable, this has become the ‘default’ activity for parents to revert to
when they feel they don’t have the time, space or energy to play or interact with their child.

So how can we get out of the ‘default’ screen reliance mode in a healthy way, but still not need to be
entertaining & interacting with my child 24-7? As children get older and start going to school, there is
less emphasis on how much time they should be spending in front of a screen – part of the lessons will
inevitably be using film or videos already, so this makes counting hours per day in front of screen more
difficult and complex. If we place more emphasis on spending a healthy balanced day which includes all
parts – physical – did they get enough exercise and fresh air?; mental – did they practice or learn
anything new or do what was required and agreed with them?; emotional – are their emotional needs
met and exhibited in healthy loving communication, play, interaction, behaviour and connection or is
there any underlying issues or problems that hint at an imbalance or that needs to be supported? We
need to sit and priorities what is healthy for our own selves and family together - physically, mentally
emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, creatively and to create a loose but consistent framework by
which these can be met and developed. Once all these priorities have been looked at, once we have
made all of these pieces of our day happen, then it is fine to allow or support screen-time with age
appropriate content. Then the amount of time spent on computers, etc. becomes a lot less of an issue.
Usually by then, there isn’t much time or energy left to spend in front of a screen! This is backed up by
research which shows that the problem of spending too much time in front of a screen isn’t so much
about time (even though that in itself isn’t healthy) - but about displacement. Displacement is being
displaced from, removed from physical activity, interaction and contact with others which supports their
intellectual and social development. If we can ensure that our child (and ourselves) are getting in all the
contents of a healthy day which feeds our different aspects – physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual,
social, mental, financial, etc. – then we don’t have to worry so much about micromanaging their screen-
time and creating stress around it. If we ask is this prioritising what is good our healthy for our own self-
care, growth and development in all the different facets of our life? Also, is the way we plan and manage
our day a good example for our child to take on board and follow as and when they grow? This is a very
important question to look at alongside our planning - are we consistent and positive in our
management of time, resources and our day? Positive screen-time doesn’t mean sitting idly watching
youtube for 3 hours – it means doing a course, watching an informational video, chatting with friends
that we can’t see on skype, etc. This is done by planning, family interaction and active participation –
and then consistently creating the healthy routine which will nurture and support this planning. As with
all momentum – it is hardest and slowest at the start to build this routine, but soon it becomes habit and
normalised and the resistance erodes as new mind-sets & outlooks take over. It is important that the
whole family are involved both in the planning and agreement and in the daily consistent following of
the plan – from waking up and your morning routine to helping with chores and mealtimes. Remember,
as parent you are leader & curriculum – they will follow and model your behaviour and beliefs. If you are
unwilling and make it into a chore or a drag, it is more than likely that they will too. To avoid this, help
this routine be part of what you want to stand for and part of your truth as who you want to show up as
to yourself, to you close family and to the wider world. So our consistency, our attitude and the truths
we stand for are all being mirrored by our children, even if that isn’t what we want them to grow up
with. There are many useful and worthwhile resources for helping us engage our children in their daily
structure and develop independent play.

How can we stop the cycle once it starts? For those who don’t know how to get their child off their
smartphone at all? It is never too late. Never. There are 2 tricky parts to this. The first is that parents
often don’t want to face uncomfortable situations and talks with their child, especially when the child is
a teenager or older. This is often because the parent feels they don’t know how to manage that
conversation and all it can be. If we come out with a clear statement “you are spending too much time
on your phone and it is unhealthy”, the child is not going to like that. And they will resist. Everyone
resists change at the start. So we as parents need to emotional, communication and self-awareness
skills to be able to carry out and to handle difficult topics like this. We have to accept that they are not
going to like what you suggest or that they are going to have less time on their device. And we have to
recognise and accept that this is natural. We need the communication skills, the inner resilience and
awareness to be able to weather their resistance and their defence. But to do this successfully we have
to be the change we are expecting of them, and we have to frame it in such a way that they see and
connect with a bigger ‘why’. Citing statistics alone won’t work. Asking the child questions – “what do
YOU feel is healthy for you?” and getting them involved in the answers – children more often than not
have an inner wisdom and knowledge of what is right and wrong or healthy and unhealthy and all we
need to do is connect to that inner wisdom. When they are involved in finding their own answers, they
are more apt to follow that and connect with the ’why’. The way to do this is by connecting and
listening. Connect with your child and listen. Not with predetermined answers – be open to actually
hearing, discovering and learning who your child is and who they are growing to be. Then ask them
about behaviour patterns after prolonged watching movies, etc, and help them be aware how
influenced they are by screen-time. Non-judgemental, supportive, encouraging and listening will help
them open up. Then you can cite some statistics “yes, did you know that what you said actually is true
for 78% of children …..” and gently but smoothly mention some research or report. Look at and ask
them what life context are they using the screen-time for? Is it for escape? For information? For social
contact? How much of each & is there overload? Are they spiritually and emotionally stable and
confident or are they using the screen-time to go further away from social contact & integration? Is it
giving them confidence or vitality or taking away from them? The American Academy of Paediatrics
advise for infants from birth to 18 months old – absolutely no screen time except for live talk with
grandparents/relatives, etc. The light, radiation, electromagnetic signals, noise and lack of any context is
too much for their senses and psyche to digest or manage. For children younger than 18 months, avoid
use of screen media other than video-chatting. Parents of children 18 to 24 months of age who want to
introduce digital media should choose high-quality programming, and watch it with their children to
help them understand what they're seeing.
For children ages 2 to 5 years, limit screen use to 1 hour per day of high-quality programs. Parents
should co-view media with children to help them understand what they are seeing and apply it to the
world around them.
For children ages 6 and older, place consistent limits on the time spent using media, and the types of
media, and make sure media does not take the place of adequate sleep, physical activity and other
behaviors essential to health. 
Designate media-free times together, such as dinner or driving, as well as media-free locations at home,
such as bedrooms.
Have ongoing communication about online citizenship and safety, including treating others with respect
online and offline.
Calming and Anxiety with your child

How can 1 in 3 children be diagnosed be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder by the time they are 18?
What is anxiety? Unprocessed feelings of fear & worry. It comes from when we are unable to connect
with our strong inner voice. Opposite of resilience. When we are born we have an inner well of
resilience. Every single baby starts to walk and falls down, but doesn’t just sit there and say “I’ll never
walk again or I’m never going to try again because I’ll fall down”. They never ask “what if?”

But as the child grows older they become more careful and more fearful and the “what if” questions
become more frequent – “what if no-one likes me?” “what if I look stupid?” “what if I come last?” “what
if I fail my test?” …. When the child receives too many of these what ifs and they remain unprocessed,
the child will build up a protection around himself and sometimes use imaginary characters or places to
escape behind. They see that their parents or others are worried and think they are causing it. Then the
answers become “Its fine” when we ask them how was school, or how did the test go, etc. “fine”. They
have hidden behind a barrier where feelings can’t really get in or out, but the inner fears still don’t go
away, they are just hidden so as not to cause upset or worry in others. They polarise feelings – this one
is bad, this one is good because they are led to believe that some feelings are good to have and some
are not. Research shows that what happens when we continually numb our feelings is that we can’t
separate the bad from the good, the negative from the positive. And this gets buried and stored ever
deeper into our internal psyche, belief system. When we numb our feelings we are numbing the entire
spectrum of our humanity. When we suppress and keep suppressing, when we hold more and more
feelings inside, eventually the body starts to react and shut down. This will manifest as ulcers, sleepless
ness, panic attacks, paranoia, lowered digestive and immune system and many other knock-on related
diseases. What we need to remember is that every single child has the natural resilience to face and
overcome challenges, and we as parents and procurers of media and messages are allowing that
resilience to be taken away. We can relearn it, but it is far easier to keep it and use it rather than have to
rebuild it and undo the damage that burying it has done.

When it comes to mental health and wellness, we should not have to wait until a person is depressed,
having anxiety attacks, being sensationalist, withdrawing or other types of symptoms before we go to
‘fix’ them. Like other illnesses, it is far better to build up and create a healthy base to lessen or prevent
the worst effects of these. Like the body, we can build an inner resilience which helps us get back up
when we fall and try to carry on rather than give up or internalise it as failure, guilt or shame. We
shouldn’t have to wait until we or someone is in these experiences before we actually go to help them.
Huge amounts of research shows that the best long term strategy is early intervention, support and
training so as to build self-awareness, self-worth and inner resilience. This goes hand in hand with all the
other goals we have and that our children have – being happy, doing their best, being compassionate,
healthy, active and growth orientated. Social and emotional learning goals are so important to be taught
in schools from early years so as to prevent the massive rise in suicides, depression and anxiety related
problems and illnesses in teenagers and later years.

So from two to three years old we can start talking to our children about feelings and developing
language and words for feelings. The average American adult can only think of 3 emotions when first
asked. Being able to name the emotion and describe it will help to tame or accept the emotion. The
earlier we can do this and we can teach our children to do this, the better. When we teach SEL as a core
part of the curriculum, research has shown that these children do better at the other subjects and also
take a far more active part in school, family and community life. It develops inner leadership qualities
and inner motivations which will positively affect the child’s actions and results in other areas of their
life.

One very useful exercise we can do is to take each motion and make it a character, to personify it. For
example, anxiety likes to tell lies. It can be useful and isn’t a bad thing but often it likes to tell lies in
order to either predict that the worst is going to happen, and everything that happens that creates
worry gets taken to its logical worst possible outcome, and that this worst possible outcome will last
forever – is permanent. Later anxiety will disguise itself and tell others he is ok, while he is burning up
inside. When we create a character for the emotions, it diffuses the emotion and also separates it from
the childs identity – who they are. This separation is important because it allows the child (or adult) to
see themselves not as their emotion or behavior; but to see the emotion or behavior as something
temporary that came to them or happened to them. Too many times we fuse our identity with our
feelings and emotions “I am a worrier” “I am really sad”, etc., instead of “I feel sad” etc. We have never
had a feeling that lasted forever. But when we identify with a feeling we forget that and ‘become’ the
feeling. When we create a character, we externalize the emotion and see it and talk to it. When we talk
to it as a character, we can dispute it, acknowledge it and see how true or untrue it is. We give ourselves
a lot more power and self-awareness this way rather than someone else telling us that it’s going to be ok
and trying to make us feel better. Sometimes worry and anxiety can be useful, in times of danger or
stress – giving a speech onstage, exams, being chased, etc; and in these times we can reframe it and
harness it to our advantage. So we aren’t actually trying to get rid of the worry – it is an emotion and to
deny it is to deny part of our natural beings. We are acknowledging it and see it for what it is, without
letting it take over our minds, bodies or psyche. When we admit it out loud, to ourself or others, we can
actually diffuse it.

As parents we feel uncomfortable when our child is uncomfortable, because we have made a particular
set of feelings ‘bad’ and not good to have. Therefore we have consciously or subconsciously taught our
children that it is good or bad to have certain emotions or feelings. It isn’t the feeling that is the
problem, it is our reaction to the feeling and our relationship with the feeling. The emotion is meant to
come into our system, leave a message, and then exit. Children do this often when they are angry or
crying at their best friend one minute and then playing and best friends again a few minutes later. They
don’t hold on or identify with the emotion, but let it in and then let it go. So it is really important for us
to teach our children that emotions aren’t bad. When we tell our child to go to their room or the corner
and calm down we are saying it is not right or it is bad to have anger, sadness, anxiety, etc. So come back
when you are joyful, happy , grateful, positive, etc. We have to try and be comfortable with our own
feelings and then be comfortable with our child’s feelings, and not try and make them go away.

Then we can reframe the feelings as characters and even in role plays – especially if it is before a big
event that thy are worried about – performance, exam, dance, etc. The stress can be reframes as
excitement – so the child (or you) can say “I am excited” or “I feel excited” and help them to look
forward. When we do a role-play, we or our child can talk to the worry. So either make up a character or
else one of you become the character ‘worry’. Give the worry a name – call it “Widdle the worrier” or
something and let him talk “you know what? you’re going to be up all night worrying and not sleep and
tomorrow you are going to feel even worse so that you totally flunk it”…and then the child can answer
back "listen Widdle, you know that isn’t true and you are over reacting” …”am I?” …”yes!”…etc.
If you are preparing for a big event like going on stage, etc, you can role play the event with your child
the day before at home in your living room. If they aren’t nervous because it is only a role-play then get
them to run or jump up and down a few minutes to make their heart beat faster and mimic the heart
racing so that when they get on stage tomorrow they will know what their heart racing is and can say
“ok my heart is racing to help me perform better because I am excited” so they are not trying to do
something to calm themselves down, they are using the situation and acknowledging it, therefore they
aren’t trying to stop or push away fear, or their fear of the fear and how they react to that fear.…what
we want to do then is to remind them that they are safe – completely safe - their body can take this –
that they have the same reaction and sweaty palms on a rollercoaster, or other places and they were
fine,…then walk out there and embody the feeling of heart racing, nervousness, put a microphone in
their hand and take a breath, acknowledge and check –in – witness all the feelings they are feeling and
talking with them as they are coming up using the character if it helps, but reminding you are safe. As
long as the goal isn’t getting rid of, eliminating, running away or managing the emotion – but looking at
it and accepting it in its place. Otherwise we are only inviting it to come back stronger the next time.
Face and embrace what you or your child are feeling, because inside of that feeling which you think is so
bad is a lot of power and energy. If we allow ourself and our child to see the connection – that everyone
feels this way no matter who they are – there is nervousness, anxiety and fear before big things like
stage, etc.

Perfectionism is also another guise of anxiety. Perfectionists are afraid to be seen with flaws and
conscious of how they are seen on the outside. They are conscious of achievements and being accepted.
Their identity is very tied to their achievements. It is perfectionism that causes huge fear in tests or
doing things “unless I can get 100%” or “be like Ronaldo and make no mistakes” - and if they can’t ,
then they shy away from trying and from doing the activity, or their goals, and become paralysed, only
after huge beating themselves up over it. These children are really self-critical and hard on themselves.
One big way we can help with this apart from showing perfectionist or comparison traits ourselves or
demanding it from the child; is to teach self-compassion. Research based self-compassion. This has 3
basic components: Being kind to yourself, so you only say kind things to or about yourself – talking to
yourself like you talk to your best friend; Being mindful of your feelings, thoughts and emotions – so
that you actually experience them and don’t try to stop them; Then showing them about common
humanity. Have them write a letter or message to themselves in the voice of their best friend. You can
role play where you are their best friend who has the same problem as your child and the child has to
advise the best friend what to do. To help them cultivate a growth mindset – that our beliefs and
feelings aren’t set in stone and we can change, learn and grow lots from them. It is more than just
language – more than just adding “yet” to the end of your problem - “I can’t solve my math’s problem…
yet”. It is actually a belief and a mindset – in seeing a goal or challenge and knowing they are going to
have to climb and do different levels to get to that goal. So while it might be hard, they can see and feel
the benefits and rewards as they go towards that goal – feeling stronger, faster, quicker, clearer, etc
than before, etc. In perfectionists, the child or person often has a fixed mindset and not a growth
mindset – they believe that they are born with what they have and can’t do any more with it – it is fixed
and there isn’t anything they can do about it. A growth mindset sees possibilities and belief, but also
that it will take time & effort and that effort will sometimes be hard, sometimes not – but it will be
rewarding. So a lot of the time they spend trying to ‘prove’ their intelligence or ‘prove’ their fitness or
ability without doing very much to make it grow. Therefore we need to change the language, and the
stigmas attached and bring in habits & healthy beliefs that show where we want to or need to do x,y,or z
to get to where we want to go. And to hang in there and not give up. A belief without action is just a
belief. Create a circle of power. Draw a circle with you in the middle. The put all the things that are
within your power inside the circle and all the things that are outside your power on the outside. Our
child will always learn things outside our control from schoolfriends, teachers, etc., we can’t control
that. What we can control is how we show up to our children in our own lives to be the models they can
mimic. When we do this first for ourselves with self-compassion and then do it with our child, it can
open up huge discoveries, awareness, communication and opportunities for growth. WE as parents will
start to see that some of the things about our child is outside our power – where they end up, or what
their unique personal goals are, etc. We have to let go of them and not beat ourselves up for not being
able to control these aspects. again, we must be aware that we are the curriculum they are following
and we cannot expect or ask of them anything which we aren’t doing or practicing ourselves.

Regarding separation and change anxiety, the more things we can keep constant and safe for the child
while going through the change, the better. Even creating a small routine in mornings and different
times of the day, with small things, can anchor your child and help them feel grounded and safe. Then
they can know and expect this every day. Something that can remain consistent & constant. Separation
anxiety can be helped by helping the child see they can separate by starting with mini goals like playing
hide-and-seek. Anxiety likes to forget successes. So start small and work up – if the child is scared to
sleep on their own, start with small steps – first with them, then on the floor beside them with a comfort
–teddy for them to hold and feel safe with – then further and then with door open and gradual changes
all the while emphasizing that they are safe and nothing happened , celebrating each little step, like a
ladder, so that the success is savoured. This savouring helps dissolve the anxiety. Then have them record
the final success – even on video like “hey buddy, you were afraid on your own and now look at you!”

When the child is afraid for their lives or for that of their friends, etc, when the fear is so deep, or when
there is an underlying medical condition, then don’t be afraid to reach out for additional help.

We must become more aware of our language, our behaviours, attitudes and actions which feed the
fears or beliefs of our children.

We must also try to reframe the belief that we have to attack, stop or get rid of negative emotions or
thoughts, and turn towards looking at these as symptoms of underlying beliefs or situations in our
children. Martin Selgman describes the “3 P’s” of anxiety and fear – that it is Permanent; That they are
Pervasive – they affect and blend into everything - that the one problem you have in your life becomes
everything. We so often hear when we ask our child what’s wrong “Everything!” or “You are always
going on at me!” And that they are Personalised – so they blame themselves and become the problem
or emotion – “I am responsible for everything bad that is going on”. So if we can sit down, talk and listen
to them (and ourselves) and recognize the ‘P’s and the truth behind the language – so it isn’t
permanent, it is temporary; it isn’t pervasive, it is only your homework or a problem with your best
friend or teacher – specific to this domain of your life; it isn’t personal by externalizing it to the bigger
wider picture or world and what achievements you have had before, etc. Loving and compassionate
listening and talking is important so you can get underneath what is really going on. Usually it is a variant
of the underlying belief that “I am not enough” unless my friend likes me; unless I get a good grade;
unless I am popular; unless I can do ___, etc. This is also one of our own underlying beliefs – which we
are passing on through our actions, reactions, words and attitudes. Again, we are the curriculum.

We came into the world with P.O.W.E.R

Presence - Originality - Whole - Energised - and Resilient. We lost most of those along the way and we
must reclaim them while also remembering that our child came in the same way and is losing them,
often through our own losing them. We are demonstrating and modelling how to live with our child. Are
our actions - which are more important than our words – reflecting what we want our child to learn and
model? When they are 3 they don’t mind dressing up in all sorts of silly mixes of outfits & kitchen
utensils. We want them to own their own uniqueness and power and not be afraid to try something or
to fall. It is natural they will fall, we all do, but to own that and not see it as a disaster & sensationalise it
so that it stops them or us trying again is one of the greatest legacies and gifts we can impart to our
child. To be confident and comfortable with and in who I am, and not every day to be longing for
something else outside of themselves.. This stems from also being the greatest gift we can give to
ourselves. Owning and embracing our own unique power, wholeness, originality, energy and resilience.
Confidence in children

When a child can overcome anxiety and fear and hold their boundaries. Turning a thought into an action
which perseveres takes inner confidence. When they want to raise their hand in class, or wants to try
for a team – when they actually act on that thought and follow their internal compass. When they can
say no if it goes against their inner compass or values. It isn’t just about being able to go on stage and
bravado. There is also quiet confidence which turns thoughts into actions and perseveres with that
action.

When we genuinely make space like on a sunny Sunday morning over breakfast, relaxed and easy – and
ask our child what they want, what do they want to create or be great at – it can give big clues to where
you child stands and how high their confidence is – if it is external bravado, or quiet inner confidence. It
can also give you a platform to provide support and encouragement – to check in on how they are with
their goals or wishes and be a support or guide for them to get there. All we need to do is to ask the
right questions, to create space and to listen. We have a finite time on in this life, and when we or our
child leaves the planet, the world will lose forever that unique voice or platform that we had. A good
question can turn around a conversation and to even turn a situation. For example, think of something
you want your child to do or know, like to hurry and get ready because we have to leave in 10 minutes.
Instead of the usual lectures and nagging, turn to the child and point at your watch (or where you watch
would be) and raise your eyebrows. If necessary you can just say “10 minutes, what do you need to get
done before then?” This will get them to think of what it means as well as point out that time is short
and if they want to get or do anything they have to hurry. You are building a relationship where they can
be self-directed rather than just following orders. This will also help later when they are self-directed
and more resistant to just following the flow in their social circles if it goes against their compass. A child
will go to anyone which allows their immediate needs to be met.

One requisite from this is that we have to let go of our agenda. We have to hold a vision of our own
child’s magnificence and allow them to reach up and into that magnificence. That means letting go of
any agenda or ‘teaching’ or moulding them into any image that we have created in our own heads. So
part one is letting go of any pre-conceived images and goals and to allow ourselves to do that. We must
look at any fear or resistance we have in doing this and embrace this a perfectly normal – it is outside
our comfort zone and we can’t predict what we can’t control. This allows us to be authentic within
ourselves and therefore with our child. Our children are great at reading when we are authentic or not
and great at modelling this. We are therefore serving two purposes –modelling behaviour which shows
our child that being authentic is good, and also allowing ourselves to grow and form a true and healthy
relationship with our child.

So many parents say “I don’t know what to do, my child just walk away, shrugs their shoulders or says
whatever when I try to communicate with them.” What can they do? Most of the time, we are doing
everything we can with the tools we know we have. These tools and ways of thinking are a function of
our own upbringing and societal, cultural and religious influences as we grew up. We have to
acknowledge that we are only as good as we think we are, and that there is a whole other reality going
on with the other person. Many of our blind spots – the things we can’t see about ourselves –
mannerisms, tone of voice, body language, even our words or the timing of them have such a huge
influence in creating or dissolving barriers. We have to be honest with ourselves and become aware of
our thoughts, words, body language, and mannerisms.
 One way we can start to open the door to them is again, by asking questions that will help open them
up. We can’t just barge in and demand answers. So start when there is a relaxed space – maybe just as
they are in bed before sleep. A good question which leads to others is :did you feel loved by Mammy
and Daddy today?” “How did you feel loved?” “Did I miss the mark anytime and make you think I didn’t
love you?” A lot of people might be afraid to ask these questions because they were never asked these
questions by their parents, and also, they might be afraid of the answers. This is the time to be
courageous and honest with ourselves and step up to the plate the same way we expect our child to do.
How you ask, and also how your child answers is a direct function of how safe they feel. Ask them to
teach you, that you never knew from your parents and you want so much to learn how they want to be
loved, show me one thing I can do which will help you feel loved and I will learn and you can tell me
when I am not doing it or check me on it. And allow them space to answer – in your words and your
body language. Be mindful and no matter what they say be open to hearing and not being defensive. Say
“teach me” – even take good notes. Let them see you are serious about learning. If they say “I want you
to spend more time with me” - don’t be defensive or start explaining. Dig deeper and ask what that
means. “I want you to be nicer” - dig deeper and ask them what nicer looks like. Then the next morning
check in and ask. And if and when we slip up again, tell them to remind you. And start healing. Healing
yourself and growing. We don’t always know their perspective and what their feelings are, or what their
interpretation of or actions, body language or words are. Rather than saying sorry, tell them you are
learning and thank them for showing you, but do it with genuine gratitude. Not only will this open up
huge amounts of space for growing, trust and communication between you, it will show them what
good communication is, being willing to be wrong and not taking mistakes personally and about taking
responsibility for their words and actions. This all helps build a strong foundation for inner self
confidence – because the child knows they are loved, but they also have a strong internal map in how to
guide their lives and what they stand for. They gain a growth mindset which is really important. This
means that they know they can change, grow, learn and improve and aren’t ‘stuck’ in that place or skill-
level forever. A fixed mindset thinks they were born with that , it’s the way they are and nothing can be
done about it. This leads to a huge lack of self-confidence when the child is conditioned to believe that
he can’t do any better, and will often lead to him stop trying. Talking about the process and how you got
there is far better than focussing on the result.

The parent is always meant to hold space for the child, not the child hold space for the parent. This
means that yes, we get tired, stressed, angry and lost, but in those times we can’t expect our child to
understand and nurse us. If they do, ok, but we are the leader whom they look up to, trust and need to
support them and keep them safe. A good leader doesn’t produce followers, they produce leaders. This
means that we need to find ways of self-care in which to soothe our system so we can come back and
show up in a way that doesn’t push them away and that we don’t later regret. There are many different
ways of doing this, including meditation, mindfulness, breathwork, fresh air, water, stretching, good
music, moving your body.

Helping you child see that you make mistakes and telling funny stories about how something didn’t work
out but you kept going anyway gives the child such a lot of example to follow and to build into their
belief system. It also shows them that you are human and not a God, and importantly that you are
willing to try, to learn and to make mistakes. Our children don’t really know that we have a beginning
and middle and end and weren’t always ‘grown up”. Maybe instead of asking them about what went
well at school today, ask what they didn’t do so well or were scared to try but kept doing. Then give
warm encouragement for the process and acknowledge how they must have been feeling. This will help
them in both their confidence and also promote a growth mindset. Look for places to show evidence to
our children where we got from one place to another when it was hard at the start, where we made
mistakes and wobbled but carried on. E.g., riding a bike, etc. The more we talk a out this and make it
light and positive without judgement, the more inclined our child will be to try things and also not want
to quit when they fall.

When our child asks for something but in a whining voice, they are giving away their power. We are
allowing them to give away their power and teaching them that it is ok to do that to get something.
They are being submissive and making themselves small and helpless. Show them this. Ask them to say
the request, and tell them they are giving away their power. Until they stand up and come out straight
looking at you and ask, keep repeating until they do it. Then they come straight out and ask for
something with manners and respect, but with assurance and confidence.

When a child is constantly looking for approval and moaning, we have to look at what message is really
underneath that. We, as human beings are ‘meaning makers’ – we take and make meanings for things in
order to process them. Most of the meanings we make are based on our own upbringing and inner
belief systems, and most of these in some form come from a place of “I am not enough”. Because of
this, in most situations we encounter we usually choose the meaning which feels the worst, and makes
us feel shittiest. We will remember the one barbed comment, insult or criticism out of 10 or 100 pieces
of praise or positive comments. There are always places within us which we overlook or cannot see – in
the shadows which in some way influence our thoughts and beliefs in a negative way. This means that
even though we might think we are positive, loving or supportive parents - there are certain words,
mannerisms or demands we have placed on our child and they have interpreted in a way which said
they weren’t worthy of time, attention, love, rewards or space. Sometimes we can try too hard and not
allow our child to try or to fall. This means they will believe they can’t or that it is unsafe for them to do
it. The long-term effect of this is that the child will be unwilling or afraid to try something new, or to give
up too easily when they fell at the first hurdle. When the child says someone didn’t play with them
because she doesn’t like your child, your first instinct is to get defensive and protect your child. This is
bringing her circle and your circle together. But it might not be true. SO it is better again to take a deep
breath, step back and let go of defence. Then ask ok, why do you think that? And then brainstorm all the
different possibilities into why they didn’t play with her. It might be that they saw her playing with
something else and didn’t ask…but it will show a lot more factuality and help them see that their
thoughts aren’t always true. It is the same with us when someone cuts us off at the junction. We can
curse them or we can step back for a second and think of all the reasons they might have done that.
When we do it from this perspective, we are then not automatically reaching for the worst possible
reason or outcome, and coming from a place of safety and abundance. There will be a million things that
happen to us or our child over our lifetime and we will give it meaning. “She gave me a dirty look” etc –
better to both learn yourself and to model this for your child – to look at the truth and factuality and all
creative possibilities behind your perception of that incident. When we are more willing to look at
positive meanings and not internalise them, we have more confidence that the world is a safe place and
we are ok in it. Otherwise we will hold on to that negative perspective or belief of what happened “she
doesn’t like me” and add it to our inner belief system that we are not enough. Brainstorming with your
child gives a healthy perspective and allows for proper examination and non-internalising of something
we have no control over. Even play games with your child to help them build up a creative perspective
and not get attached to one particular reality. For example – while you are in the park ask the why do
they think that child is crying? And let them come up with all the possibilities. This promotes a positive
mindset and growth mindset for when times come when they are rejected or insulted later in life.

What we are building in our child from birth is a set of beliefs and ways of viewing themselves and the
world. We are not our children, the curriculum as well as the guardians, leaders and guides in how we
show up.

Bullying

First of all, a bully is created because they are lacking power or attention in their home. They weren’t
born as bullies, they learned or adopted this behaviour. Every single person and child wants to feel they
have power and control. When they don’t feel that at home, they vent the need for power on others
outside. Telling the bully “stop” or “you are hurting me /my feelings” normally doesn’t work, because
that’s exactly what the bully is preying on – to show their power over someone – which usually hurts the
child being bullied. Your child isn’t going to be the one who suddenly creates an epiphany moment of
awareness and enlightenment for them because it is learned and engrained behaviour based on
mistaken beliefs. One powerful way of helping our child with being bullied is to do role-plays with them.
Have them enact out what is happening and you take on the role of the other person who is bullying.
Help them build up an inner fire, the lion or lioness inside and have that show in every single piece of
body language and energy they possess. So when it rises up and then they say “STOP!” or “BACK OFF!”
the bully knows they mean it and are willing to become a lioness or lion to defend that. They summon
up all their energy or ‘chi’ like in the movies and the bully sees that your child is serious. Get them to
channel that inner lioness/lion by asking them about times where they felt really angry and defensive
like when you accused them of stealing a cookie and they knowingly answered back “no I didn’t” with
indignation and anger. Get them to focus on that feeling, to bringing it up, to be aware that it is in there
and how to rise it. Then practice until they can summon up that courage, anger, inner lion and release it.
The more your children can self-express and find their inner strength, the more they can summon up the
courage and strength to stand up to their full height.

To end bullying is a concerted holistic effort in changing the culture in schools, in homes and in
playgrounds – among parents, teachers and children. It has to change in both the home and in the
culture of the school.