The 5 Love Languages Summary

Chapman is convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as

important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an
automobile.

When your spouse’s emotional love tank is full and they feel secure in
your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move
out to reach their highest potential in life.

Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful

communicators of love.

Giving verbal compliments is one way to express words of affirmation

to your spouse. Another dialect is encouraging words.

We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we
give encouragement.

Sometimes our words say one thing, but our tone of voice says
another.

We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday.

When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her
worth and abilities. You are introducing the element of choice. This is
important because we cannot get emotional love by way of demand.

If your mate’s primary love language is quality time, your spouse

simply wants you, being with them, spending time.
Spending time with your mate in a common pursuit communicates
that you care about each other, that you enjoy being with each other,
that you like to do things together.

One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation. By

quality conversation, Chapman mean sympathetic dialogue where two
individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and
desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality

conversation focuses on what we are hearing.

We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and

never in a condescending manner.

Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?” When you

think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds to me
like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot.”

One way to learn new patterns is to establish a daily sharing time in

which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you
that day and how you feel about them. Chapman calls this the
“Minimum Daily Requirement” for a healthy marriage.

The essential ingredients in a quality activity are:

1. At least one of you wants to do it

2. The other is willing to do it
3. Both of you know why you are doing it—to express love by
being together.

A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was
thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.”
Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you
can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts.

By acts of service, Chapman mean doing things you know your

spouse would like you to do.

Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.

Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love our spouses. If we

choose to love, then expressing it in the way in which our spouse
requests will make our love most effective emotionally.

People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they
themselves have the deepest emotional need.

Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings
pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her.

A common mistake many men make is assuming that physical touch is

their primary love language because they desire sexual intercourse so
intensely.

Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical

technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs.

If your deepest pain is the critical, judgmental words of your spouse,

then perhaps your love language is words of affirmation.

Chapman suggests three ways to discover your own primary love

language:
 1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most
deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your
love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing
you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make
you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your
method of expressing love may be an indication that that would
also make you feel loved.

Almost never do two people fall in love on the same day, and almost
never do they fall out of love on the same day. Chapman calls this
“The disequilibrium of the ‘in-love’ experience.”

Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of

security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us.

Can emotional love be reborn in a marriage? You bet. The key is to

learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it.