Miyuki Yamaguchi Espada

Psychology 12

Reflection #8

June, 2020

1. What does resiliency mean to you?

Much like the article explains, resilience is not a trait that people are born with, but rather something

that “​involves behaviors, thoughts and actions that anyone can learn and develop.”

(​https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience​) ​To me, to be resilient is to gain something from an experience,

whether it be positive or negative, that you can apply to your life as a guide so that you are better

equipped to deal with other situations in the future.

2. Give an example of a time where you had to be resilient

A time where I had to be extremely resilient was around three years ago when my grandmother

suddenly passed away.

I had never lost a family member before this, and although my grandmother had had two or three

strokes beforehand, she was still 66, there was just no way that her life would be cut that short. I was

naive, and believed that death was something that happened to others, but not me. I was wrong,

obviously, and it taught me that everyone is the main character in their own lives, no one is safe from

bad things and that death doesn’t discriminate. But, thanks in part to Japanese culture surrounding

funerals, my road to building resilience was smoother than expected.

Most Japanese funerals are around a week long, and entail many cups of tea, gifts, and polite

conversations. For an entire week, all the immediate family gathers at a single house (in our case we

stayed at a funeral service(?)) and stay all together. The person who has passed is dressed in a simple

white yukata, gets their makeup done (if female) and lays behind a screen where in front there is an

altar where you kneel and light incense and ring a meditation bowl (I have no idea what it’s called).

This process, kind of incense, and how many times you repeat actions depends on the family. The

incense must be lit at all times, and there are varying kinds of incense (some that can burn for hours)

that help with making sure it is constantly lit.

Throughout the week, people will come to visit the grieving family and come bearing standard

condolence gifts of money in specific envelopes (Japan has a very interesting custom of standard gift

giving), and the family will give a gift in return which usually includes things like tea, buddhist prayer

beads, and other small things. At the end of the week, the deceased is placed into a coffin, it is shut

and the men in the family will carry it to the hearse and someone will hold a nicely framed photo of

the deceased up front. The immediate family will attend the cremation ceremony, which entails

watching the coffin enter the cremation chamber, and standing there while it happens (not the whole

time, or maybe it was, this part was one of the most traumatic moments for me so I may have buried

that memory). The cremation does not cremate all the bones, because the next part of the ceremony

involves them.
The tray on which once lay a coffin, now just ashes and pieces of bone, is brought out and placed on a

table and in order of immediate family (husband, eldest daughter, etc.) step up to the table and with

long wooden chopsticks, pick up a piece of bone and place it into a special box that will then be taken

to a temple. At the temple is where the funeral service is held, and is what I imagine a western type of

funeral would be like. Family members give speeches, others outside of the immediate family attend,

and a buddhist priest reads prayers. What I thought was interesting though, was that after their death,

the family of the deceased meet with a buddhist priest and the deceased is given a name to use in the

afterlife. After, the bones are given a place to rest, usually in a cemetery.

This was an extremely long and most likely flawed explanation of Japanese funeral traditions, but it

was important for me to explain it in order for my reflection to make sense.

Throughout this experience I was extremely overwhelmed. Not only had my lovely grandmother

passed away, it was my first time back in Japan in years, and the last time I had met my cousins, we

were all children. It took me a bit to gather my wits, but after doing so, I realized something. Only

through the death of a family member, were we all gathered in one place at the same time. Although I
would do almost anything to get my grandmother back, I found myself not wishing to trade the time I

spent with my family for anything.

Now to answering the actual question.

In the article assigned to us to read, it mentions that it is important to focus on four core components

which are: connection, wellness, healthy thinking and meaning. I’ve decided to compile my

experiences into a list so that it’s easier to read.

Connections:

Prioritize relationships​: Since I was with my family and others who were also grieving for the first

week of such a traumatic experience. Everyone I met within that week was nothing but empathetic,

understanding and kind. It was easy to articulate my emotions without having to explain much, and it

felt easier knowing that I had so much support all around me at all times. I wasn’t alone, and neither

were they.

Another heartwarming action was the endless support I received from my friends through messages

while I was overseas, to the love and open arms I received when I got back. Through this experience, I

truly learned the importance of community.

Join a group​: Being part of so many supportive and fantastic communities (Interact/Rotary, youth

band, youth centre, WSS, Capoeira, etc.) was so helpful. I was able to distract myself but also heal

thanks to the love and care I received from these groups.

Foster Wellness:

Take care of your body​: At the time, I was attending Capoeira classes twice a week for close to two

hours each class, and I would not know what to do without it. Capoeira was such an empowering sport

that helped me deal with many things such as shyness, confidence and a lot of my problems with

femininity, and upon returning to Canada after the funeral I was able to lose myself in learning new

moves, practicing different techniques and pushing myself to my physical limits.

Avoid negative outlets​: I am not someone who partakes in the use of drugs and alcohol, but instead

have unhealthy stress eating habits. During this time though, I did not stress eat much after the funeral

(where every non-nauseous moment was filled with near constant stress eating). I avoided this by

instead enjoying my time with friends and committing to my extracurricular activities.

Find Purpose:

Help others​: Volunteering, providing emotional support, and just generally being a help to others has

been a huge part of my life, and brings me one of the greatest senses of fulfillment I could ever

receive.

I have been a part of the Interact Club of Whistler (a youth service club that is part of Rotary

International) for over 5 years now, and the volunteering opportunities provided there have always

grounded me and brought me much joy. Upon returning from Japan, Interact gave me a sense of

purpose and gave me many networking opportunities that helped me create many friendships that I

still have today.

Look for opportunities for self-discovery​: As previously mentioned, I had never lost anyone I know

before my grandmother's passing, nor did the possibility ever cross my mind. But after she passed, and

my emotional damage was roughly sorted through, I discovered a new perspective on life. Through

this tragedy I found myself deciding to live life with the least amount of regrets possible, to take

chances, to express my feelings for those around me, to take nothing for granted, to never expect

tomorrow to go to plan, and to always make the best of the time I have.

Asides from personal lessons, my empathy had grown and I was able to connect with others who had

lost loved ones more genuinely, which made for deeper bonds and closer friendships and familial

relations (which I didn’t have with my family before).

Embrace Healthy Thoughts:

Maintain a hopeful outlook​: Although this took quite some time, eventually, I was able to use the

lessons I had learned from this traumatic experience to create a better outlook on life. The world had

robbed me of one of the most beautiful things to ever exist, but that beauty could never disappear, only

be forgotten, and I won’t let the universe forget if I can help it. I choose to continue living with the

same love that the world lost that day three years ago.

Learn from your past​: One of my biggest regrets in life, was not speaking to my grandmother properly

the last time I saw her alive. Upon hearing the news of my grandmother's sudden coma, we instantly

bought plane tickets, and left a day after. It was all so fast, and being the way I was, I was embarrassed

by my state of Japanese as soon as I needed to use it to speak to someone. So after arriving at the

hospital and seeing my grandmother, it was hard for me to speak. My aunt, uncle, grandfather, and

cousins were in the room and it felt so difficult to form a proper sentence. So all I could say was

something along the lines of “Grandma, it’s Miyuki. We came to see you.” I had naively thought that I
would be seeing her tomorrow again, and so with that my mother went to talk with her, and my uncle

took all us kids home.

She died that night while we were playing with fireworks.

From this I learned to never ever waste the time you have with others. As cliche as these next lessons

will sound, they are said often for a reason:

- Live life with no regrets

- Remember that nothing last forever

- Death does not discriminate

- Tell those around you that you love them, express your true emotions and show that you care,

live with kindness and awareness

- Do not be embarrassed to try things you might not be very good at

- Your pride is not worth losing anything

Seeking Help:

I had much difficulty with this. After the funeral ended I convinced myself that I was alright. But to

this day I get overwhelmed by sudden tidal waves of sadness, regret, grief and anger due to this loss.

It’s only since May that I began accepting the fact that I will always grieve for my grandmother (and

now another lady that I considered my grandmother and a distant cousin I don’t even quite remember),

and that it’s ok to feel sad.

In May, I opened up to my friends about how I felt, and if any of them felt the same or if anyone had

any tips as to how to move on. I learned that many of my friends felt the same, and have been going
through the same exact feelings. It felt reassuring and calming to know that there are always people

who understand, and with whom I can open up and share my struggles with.

3. How might you improve your own resiliency, as a life-skill?

I can improve my resiliency by…:

- Accepting emotions, good or bad, and allowing them to be felt and to acknowledge their

presence

- Opening up and learning to rely on others more

- Continuously learning from past experiences, and use them to navigate through my future

- To keep moving forward, taking breaks but never stopping permanently

- Anchor myself, don’t allow for myself to get dragged into a current of confusion, negativity,

isolation, despair, etc.

- Learning how to take care of myself both mentally and physically

- Letting go of feelings of guilt and shame, learn to be kind to myself

- Learn how to accept change without panicking excessively

Bibliography

(Contributors acknowledged at the bottom of the article linked below) (2020, February 1). Building

your resilience.

https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience​.