Nothing is perfect and nothing was.

It felt like a wreck to feel all that pieces

falling apart as if it was for the first time feeling heartbroken until my home
"feeling home" came into my life. Perhaps it didn't feel exactly like a home back
then until it did one day. He came along to simply put all my broken pieces back
into place and to give me warm hugs, hugs that actually worked. I mean in ways I
never thought it would but that was only until he started detaching himself away
from me. I felt like I totally lost him. He said he was never coming back. And then
there was myself getting my heart broken again.. Well this time by the person
who once helped me get everything back. Like? Like my confidence, my strength,
my unconditional love, my love for attention. Ah yeah I love attention but also
note that only by the person I love the most. No wrong right? But not for some.
And then I stood there wondering why it happened the way it happened and it
made sense. After all I took him for granted. He made me feel special because he
too needed and wanted to feel special by me. And me? You don't wanna hate me.
I didn't see that coming until I was where I was. It was then it hit me hard and
made me realize, regret and crave for him, for my home. But my home kept
ignoring me like I never existed, almost. Until I realized I was actually going crazy
with no one by my side and started appreciating my mother's presence in my life.
Oh you know why? She wasn't around. Yes! The poor little heart broken girl's
mother wasn't around either. Well that pretty much sums up how miserable I felt
back then. So I had to make a decision to leave where I was because where I was
pretty much sucked. After thinking and thinking I decided to fly off to Melbourne
Australia where my mother, my brother and his family were. It still feels like today
because I remember how hard it was for me to go far away from him. It felt like
forever. The journey was so lonely with all those memories haunting me. I sat
there waiting for my departure thinking about how much I still love him... My
heart then badly missed him, in fact his smell too. So I decided to drop him a text
letting him know I'm going away from here and that I miss him. And hey I totally
forgot! Right before leaving my house to the airport I made sure I needed to sleep
on my entire journey in the airplane so... So I consumed half a bottle of cough
syrup. Haha yes cough syrup. You should try some day if you can't get any sleep or
if you badly need a sleep to get pass a difficult moment of life. And so it pretty
much helped me to not think about anything until I reach Melbourne.
I walked down the airplane feeling a little better in that cold breeze and seeing
people with smiles on. And after walking for a few minutes I reached to collect my
luggage bags and in that moment I knew what I exactly had to do. I turned on my
hand phone and connected to the airport Wi-Fi and the only message I was
hoping for was his. And guess what? I did receive his message plus he was also
online. He replied my message saying "I miss you so much bro!" Oh yes that's how
we call each other hrmp. And after reading that message tears dropped my
cheeks and suddenly I heard a man asking me "are you okay ma'am"? I gave him a
confusing look until I realize I was actually blocking the way. I then apologized and
walked away and waited for my brothers to come and get me. After almost 30
minutes of waiting and texting they arrived and I left and reached my brother's
apartment. My mother welcomed me with a big big hug! I felt so much better to
be around them. I spent most of the time with my niece and nephew. My niece
was indeed a sunshine in my stormy days. She always made me smile and giggle
and laugh. And I spent the rest of the other time going to yoga classes and
wandering around the city alone or sometimes with my other brother. But even
then the storm never left my life. I would sit in the bathtub curl myself up and
pour my heart out without making any sound because we lived in a very tiny
apartment where even a pin drop sound would be heard. It went on like that for a
month and then one day my home sent me a very long message saying how much
he appreciates me and my love and that from that moment we are together. No
words can describe how I felt reading that. I felt like the happiest girl alive!

I would sleep and wake up with so much of smiles on my face. I would pray and
oh ya I pray. From a girl who doesn't like praying to praying wholeheartedly. And
that too because of him. It went on like that for another month until.. Just until I
did something stupid. Humans are naturally stupid at times and so was I? I took
one of my brother's advice and sent him a message saying I'm having trust issues
and that if he doesn't help me with that we shouldn't be together. I'm not quite
sure of what I exactly said though. Hrmp! And boom! He got flipped and told me
off to leave and that we can’t to be together anymore. I cried and cried and cried
while sitting down on the staircase near the apartment and even punched the
wall a few times. Yes it did hurt. Time passed and I realized he was changing into a
whole new person. A person who had very little emotion and feelings. Someone
who doesn't care about other people or how they are hurting. Every night I would
cry to sleep. I ate less and talked lesser. Things went on like that until it was time
to return back. I felt sad and happy to leave Melbourne. Because Melbourne did
make me feel better and also made me miss him terribly. So I and my mother flew
back to Malaysia and I waited for almost a week to finally get to see him. The
moment I got into his car and saw him my heart skipped. All I wanted to do was to
hug him so tight! But I didn't. I realized things have changed between us and I
have to wait for him to make any move whether it's talking or giving a courtesy
hug. Yes courtesy hug. We spoke for sometime and he said he have decided
something. My heart started beating insanely fast when he said that. And you
know what he said? He said he have decided to live the rest of his life with me.
Yes he did say that. I was speechless and he hugged and kissed me. I remember
hugging him so tight like there was no tomorrow with my eyes closed. I came
back home with so much of energy and with a big smiley cheeks on. I slept and
woke up not feeling sad at all. But things will never stay the same, not for me. I
started to see how different he was and how differently he treated me. I wasn't
feeling satisfied with the way my boyfriend, my home was behaving. I always
expected a little extra. Like attention, love, the kind of love I give out. Care and his
time. I never got them. I was always sadder than I was happy. I would be so
scared to make a call to him because there was this day I was feeling lost just all
of a sudden and I badly wanted to hear his voice. Just his voice. So I dialed his
number and the moment he answered he shouted saying "why the hell are you
calling me at this hour, do you know what time is it." tears rolled down my cheeks
and I silently hung up. Ever since that day I have always been afraid of giving him
a call on anything. He have always made me feel terrible like he was.. I'm not sure
what do I call it, maybe like he embarrassed to show the world I'm his girlfriend?
Yes. So I even had to lie that I am single to the guy who was my best guy friend
and also who had feelings for me thinking I would accept him. Did I forget
something? Something very important I should mention it here. He was one of
the best that came into my life when I was suffering. He was my pillar of strength.
Without him I wouldn't have made though that whole heartbreaking year.
Yet I always felt so guilty to be lying to him. He loved me so much he would
always try to impress me with gifts and surprises. Even though I have told him
many times that relationship wouldn't work out for us, he never stopped
believing in his love. I went out more with the guy who had feelings for me than I
did with my own boyfriend. Because even though my boyfriend lived just five
minutes away from where I live, he wouldn't really come and see me. At times he
would come and see me unexpectedly and I would get so excited only until I
realize he's drunk and sinking in his memories. I would still sit beside him with so
much of love in my heart and I would always, I still remember, always admire him.
I would kiss him and hug him and sometimes we would make love in his car. I
would go back home feeling so happy. What a stupid girl I was. Yes, he have
always made me feel like a little stupid fairy tale minded girl on earth. You know
why I felt like that? Because every time we meet at night the next day he would
text me saying sorry for what happened last night. He would say he don't
remember much of what had happened the previous night. And I? I have to
pretend like it was okay. And while all these was tearing me apart my best friend
who had feelings for me didn't stop showing or can I say showering his love on
me. From telling my boyfriend of what I feel to what has happened from day to
day to sharing it to my best friend is how my life changed. And that's how one day
I had a nightmare that was kinda creepy so I had to share it to somebody and the
only person I had was my best friend so I told him of that scary nightmare I had.
And guess what he did the next morning? He freaked me out by sitting right in
front of me when I opened my eyes in the morning. He sat there waiting for me to
wake up with breakfast in his hand. I indeed felt impressed. He then handed me a
cup of hot black coffee from McDonald's and chicken muffin and watched me eat
until I finish my breakfast in the bed. And the second thing he did really touched
my heart. At one point I even felt so lucky to have a friend like him. He took
something out from his side pocket and told me to place my hand on his lap and
he tied a string that he got from the temple. And he then said don't worry you are
not gonna have anymore nightmares. Isn't he a great guy? He very much is. Time
went on and just like that it was my birthday oops! Almost. So my childhood best
friend told me that I must spend this birthday with her and brought me to KL.
Kuala Lumpur the capital of Malaysia it is. Along with her other guy friend.
It was a day before my birthday. We spent sometime and had our dinner around
there and as it got latter she asked me if I want to spend my birthday with them
or at my house. Since I have always spent my time at home over thinking and
being sad I told her I would rather spend it with her where we were without a
second thought. We went to the club and then hopped into a bar. We drank and
got high and danced. And they even gave me a surprise by making the DJ speak
on the mic wishing me happy birthday and had me cut a small cake. I have to say
this, I was high on alcohol having the best birthday celebration yet missing him
and waiting for his message. And he did wish me after an hour. I remember
feeling so unwanted by him, the person I love the most. And the second day
which was basically still my birthday day. My best friend who had feelings for me.
Oh wait. He has a name. It's Suman. The guy who did everything to put a smile on
my face. Yes, where was I? oh ya the second day..He had to surprise me too, you
know. So he sent bouquets and lots of chocolates and also told me to be ready for
dinner. And so I did and we had our very quite dinner because someone was a
little upset that I didn't come back home at sharp 12am because he had other
plans on surprising me but too bad I didn't see that coming and it wasn't my
mistake. And again things went on like that until my home, my boyfriend started
acting weirder and ignoring me even more. I was still crying every night like every
other day until one day he texted me saying he started having thoughts about his
ex girlfriend and even cried about it. Wow. Just wow. I cried the whole night this
time and in the morning the poor little heart broken girl who is also dumb
suffered to breath like a normal human being. Hmm hmm.. What else right? They
brought me to the hospital and while I was being checked my childhood friend
came to me and called me an idiot for being the girl I am. Oh and also my cousin
brother who also came to tell me that he have called my boyfriend and that he
said he will be coming. Almost three hours later I headed back home. I was
expecting for him the whole day until I fell asleep. So already knowing its his ex in
his head I had to put up with it until he actually moves on but well does anyone
get into a relationship without even moving on with their past relationship? I
didn't think about that then. After sometime of putting up with all these crazy
things happening in my life there was this one specific day he asked me what am I
doing in my life and got me thinking. He was right, I didn't know what was
I actually doing in my life after loving him. He also compared me to other girls
which he's quite used to it. Which he hates anyone doing it to him. But well I was
jobless and useless like he said and after that just like every other day he didn't
bother me. My home never bothered about me and continued to be the way he
was while I was always anxious and depressed. I even got drunk like I was totally
lost and called him crying and even then I got ignored like I never existed. I don’t
know after trying and trying I couldn't take it any longer not because I don't love
him anymore but because I love him more than I love myself and all wanted was
to get away from all these and to distract myself. But I did it the wrong way. I
would often be alone in my room using my phone and listening to music, music
that would actually make me cry. And just that one day I started replying a
random guy from instagram. Who has been replying to all my posts which I didn't
notice at all. I checked his profile and he seemed to be a nice guy who also looked
good. I replied to one of his message and from there we took it to WhatsApp and
to video calls. It went on like that and since my boyfriend who was still stuck with
his ex girlfriend's thoughts and memories never seemed like he wanted a
relationship with me anymore. He just went off. And here I was getting a little
better because of this new random guy. And one day he wanted to meet me. I
was afraid but it was time for me to stop being afraid. After all I am a heart
broken girl who needs to get going and not just sit there crying. And so I went on
with the plan of meeting and I did meet him. It was a moment I can't describe.
Not happy or whatsoever. But because I have never done this ever before. He
brought me to one of his friend's house who is a singer since he was from media
field and actually introduced me as his girlfriend. I wasn't really shocked because
he already proposed me in the car saying ever since we started talking he fell for
me. I didn't say anything. I just went along. And after an hour he dropped me
back. Later after a few days we coupled. Does that sound funny? Hmm. I wasn't
sure of what I was doing either. After a month of being in a relationship with this
new guy I happened to post a picture with him on WhatsApp and.. And Suman
saw it and got his heart broken even though I have told him a hundred times that
I do not have feelings for him. Guess what he did next?? He got very aggressive
and told me to pack all the gifts he have gotten me and that he was coming to
take them. What much can I do? I did what he exactly told me to do but I didn't
have the guts to face him so I had to send my cousin brother to pass the gifts to
him and so he did. And that was when I lost my best friend I have ever had in my
life. It was then saddest moment in my life. I lost my home and then my best
friend. After that I started doing everything I could to move on from everything. I
even packed my bags got into the bus and went off to Johor Bahru. Yes that's far
away from where I live. And not just that the worse scenario was I went off
without anyone from my family knowing. None of them knew. Because I knew
how exactly they wouldn't let me go. They didn't know what I was fighting within
myself. I stayed over and got to know his mother. She was the most kindest soul.
She treated me so well and cooked me food that tasted like heaven. I thought I
was in love even thought I knew how much I still missed my home. And hey not
really my home I meant my home as in my previous boyfriend and I guess it's time
I rather say his name, Satthiya. And it went on like that for sometime until I wasn't
sure of what was I doing. At times I would feel like staying away from my current
boyfriend and I would even ignore him. It went on doing what I was doing until
my home, again. Satthiya called me. I answered and he asked me how am I doing
and I started imagining so much so I quickly hung up. I knew I can't do this. And
then after thinking and thinking I knew what I needed to do. I wanted to fly to
Melbourne again. This time with a plan. So there was few days left for me to leave
and Satthiya called and said he wants to see me. I said okay because I knew I
wouldn't see him any time after that and that was my only chance to hug him for
the last time. We were in the car like we always do and this time he said he have
realized his mistakes and he needs me. And at that point I should have told him
that I was already with someone but you know what? I didn't say. Instead I said
he deserve better and left after giving him a tight hug and a kiss on his cheek. He
already knew I was leaving the county. And after two days of spending time with
my current boyfriend and his mother I left. I went away. Away from all my
sorrows. I still felt like I brought a little piece of him with me. I felt a little alive, a
little better and a little brighter in Melbourne. I spent my time on doing things
that made me feel distracted. I never thought I would be able to stay far away
from my relationship and do a LDR "Long distance relationship". It didn't feel like
it was hard to do. I went to work and to yoga classes and did shopping almost
every weekend and lived like I was doing so fine than I ever was. And my other
part of my life was my niece and nephew. Yes! Again and always. They did make
me happy. I would also teach my brother's friend's daughter. She was six and her
mother would pay me for it. I earned and spent in a country I loved the most. I
would do video calls and WhatsApp calls to my boyfriend but it got very seldom as
time went on. And like life never wanted me to ever stay away from my Home,
Satthiya texted me again. But this time I did not ignore it. I did not pretend like I
was moving on. Instead I started talking to him and texting him almost everyday
while he kept asking for a second chance. How do I tell him I was with another
man? I wasn't that brave to do it. But it was only until he needed to know why I
kept him waiting on talking to him about something important. I didn't mention it
here didn't I? I told him I needed to tell him something when I am back to
Malaysia. So since he couldn't wait any longer I had no other option but to tell
him that I was already in a relationship with another man and I even lied I was
going to get engaged to him. Something I had to do in order for him to move on
quicker. We texted and texted and I knew I broke his heart. I told him everything
that was in my heart. The same night he called me to ask how could I even do
that. I knew from his voice that he were drunk. He asked me something with a
broken voice if this was his karma. How do I tell him it wasn't karma but the only
help I could get to get away from him, his life. And the next morning he texted me
saying sorry for the call the previous night, well something he have always done.
Saying sorry for the previous nights. I said it was all okay and I told him that the
engagement was a lie I had to say for him to move on. He then blocked me. It felt
like a goodbye from him. But not too long until he text me back on asking me how
I did it. You mean? On how I moved on pretty fast and he wanted to do it too and
he pretty much asked me for my advice on it. I remember smiling at my phone
screen looking at that. Because I used to be the same person who asked him the
same very dumb question while he was treating me like I wasn't a thing. I
definitely do not remember what my response was for his question but I do
remember how I never stopped talking to him ever since then. We talked almost
everyday but the conversations we had was definitely far cry from what we use to
have when we were dating. I remember telling him I miss him and also feeling
guilty for what I was doing to my current boyfriend. I was literally cheating on my
current boyfriend. Well that's another karma that was waiting to hit me hard but
that was for another chapter in my story of life. And so my childhood bestfriend
also happened to get engage the following month and I thought it would be a
great chance for me to fly back and meet my home. How stupid and selfish. I was
way too confused of what to do because my brother wanted me to enroll my
studies in Aussie and in that way I would settle down there. But my heart wasn't
in the right place or in the right state. I missed him so dearly, in this moment you
could see love in my eyes. Yes that's right! So since I was not able to think clear I
asked Satthiya if I should stay or come. How will I ever forget his response. He said
"enough of staying far away from me bro. Come to me". Oh I forgot! That's how
we call each other. Hrmp. And that's when I made up my mind and told my
brother to book my ticket. And so I flew back to where my home was. I reached
the airport to my current boyfriend and I wasn't really surprised because I knew
he would be standing right there to get me which was supposed to be my cousin
brother in fact. I came back home with my cousin brother from half way because
my mother hated my current boyfriend so there was no way for him to drop me
back home. I had my shower and unpacked my clothes and suddenly I got a text
messages from Satthiya.. My home. He texted me emotionally saying something
regarding my current boyfriend after seeing my instagram post of him getting me
from the airport. I called him straight away and told him I want to meet him. He
was shocked and also told me he was a little drunk. I told him it was okay and I
need to meet him. I got ready and got in his car and we drove to somewhere near
his place. We sat there and talked for awhile and suddenly he kissed me. Oh wow.
And I didn't push him away. I kissed him back passionately as if we were meant to
be. And after some moment I realized what I have done. I kissed my ex boyfriend
while having a current boyfriend. Does that sound crazy? Well you know
sometimes you gotta to do crazy stuffs in life in order to get where you're
supposed to. I and him started meeting often regarding his cousin sister's
engagement which was a week away. His cousin sister? Who's that? Here I go
again! Did I forget to tell you? His cousin sister was also my childhood bestfriend.
So ya now you know that was kind of like an opportunity for me to be around him
while also being a part of my bff's engagement. During this time I totally got my
current boyfriend off my mind. I know. I sound so very selfish and bad. But that
was also because I knew I wasn't moved on from him at all.
No, of course not an excuse but again. Hrmp. During the engagement everyone
looked at me and Satthiya weirdly and I was wondering what was happening until
he told me that they think we were still together. I mean his family and the
relatives. That was very much awkward. I told him that he should tell them the
truth but he said he would never do that. We had a great time during the
engagement and I thought I was at least getting this chance to collect all these
memories to keep with me forever because I never had the chance of keeping
him. I then went back home to and packed all the stuffs I got for my boyfriend
from Melbourne to pass it to him because he was actually coming to get it from
me. The stuffs he demanded from me when I was in Melbourne. Yes he's kind of a
demanding guy. Not trying to make him look like he's a bad person at all. But
that's what he does usually. But then I had to leave after doing all that since my
BFF wanted me to spend sometime with her and the rest at the hotel she checked
in before the engagement to get ready at. I spent sometime there and left after a
bit. I reached his car and the moment I got in he shouted at me like he usually
does when he gets mad at me. I asked him what was wrong and he showed me
my instagram story of my BFF and Satthiya. I went silent after that. He kept
scolding me until I cried. After sometime I couldn't breathe normally and was
gasping. And that's when he stopped and said sorry. He then drove me to my
place to collect the stuffs and asked me to stay with him in the hotel that night. I
was shocked. Not sure why was I even but I knew I didn't wanna stay with him.
After refusing a couple of times he said lets just stay in the car till the morning.
And so I agreed and we slept off in the car. The next morning we got up and went
for breakfast and when he was about to drop me home he stopped the car near
my house and asked me to follow him to his house. I was shocked again. But this
time I knew why, because the moment he said I knew how exactly I can't be
around him as his girlfriend anymore. I knew how I can't be holding him anymore.
I felt guilty to do so. I couldn't hug or kiss him anymore and that was because I
knew how exactly I wasn't in love with him.. Anymore. I kept telling him no even
after he tried falling on my feet. I know I know. But I can't go with him just
because I pity him right? But I started thinking how it was so fishy of him to do all
that. Only after some moment I realized what was that for. He picked his phone
and showed me something and asked me what was that supposed to mean.
You wanna know what was it? It was Satthiya's facebook profile and on his profile
there was a picture of me and him together captioned with "❤" on it. I was
speechless. So very speechless. It was the picture we took at the engagement. He
shouted at me again with tears on and told me to get off the car and left. I swear I
have never felt that guilty ever in my life before. I cried feeling like the worse
human being on earth and questioned myself standing right in front of the mirror.
And in that point of my life all I could think about was my home. Satthiya.. I texted
him saying how I couldn't let my current boyfriend touch me or hug me anymore
and that was because I love my home, him. Things started to change from that
moment. Even though my current boyfriend didn’t really leave me I never
stopped spending my time with Satthiya. How can I? He was the man I had
everything for. Since then we never left each other’s side. But on the other hand I
was going though a hard time to leave my current boyfriend as he wasn’t ready to
leave or listen to me. I definitely couldn’t tell how why I wanted to leave him. I
also knew I shouldn’t be cheating him while I am actually in love with Satthiya.
After crying shouting and struggling I finally left him for good. For his and my own
goodness it is. I started falling head over heels in love with my home. He treated
me like I meant the world to him and I finally started feeling loved the way I
always craved for. And there was this special day I should say, we even made love
completely. Yes I gave my virginity away to the man I love the most and I have
never felt that special ever in my life. It felt like this is it and I am now in the right
hand. After all the unexpected things happened in my life I had to go get cured
from my ex boyfriend that I left sometime ago because maybe he knew why I did
what I did. I felt so down and my home was the only person who made me feel
better. He used all the right words and the right actions to make me feel all better
again. He stood there like with so much of love and affection like he was gonna
make my life and he pretty much did. And after all that it was time for me to bring
him to my family and clear the air. It was the hardest part but we did it with the
help my brother Anan and my cousin Sarween. Until this very day I still feel so
grateful to have them both by my side. Wow! It all felt like a miracle. And hey it
has been moths since all that happened and now it’s my childhood best friend’s
wedding!! Goshh I definitely couldn’t believe she was getting married. I felt all
emotional and also irritated because she made me wear a saree I actually hated
on her wedding. But well that is another slightly little sacrifice we do for the
people we love. The wedding and the wedding preparations was so much fun and
the get to know his family thing I would say. More like relatives. Hrmp hmrp.