2. Dissociation.

 Others do recall the loving relationship, but in a way that is distant, separate,
absent, or unreal, resulting in a feeling of emptiness, rather than the fullness that the person
experienced in the loving relationship. There are a variety of ways to internally represent
separateness or dissociation. You can make an image of the person at a great distance, or you can
see yourself with the lost person, so that you can see the two of you enjoying each other over there.
You can see a dent in the bed but see that there is no one in it, or the image of the loved person
may appear transparent, fuzzy, or ghost-like, etc. One person had a relationship that had occurred
mostly on the telephone, and after the person died, he could still hear her voice, but it had a “tinny”
quality as it it were a recording, signifying that it was unreal.
           With all these different ways of representing the person as distant and separate, the good
feelings of being with them are lost. There is only a feeling of emptiness, and this causes the
sadness and grieving.
Resignation
            When we interviewed people who said that they had dealt with their loss successfully, we
found quite a number of people who had gotten on with their lives, but often with a sense of
resignation or quiet defeat. When we asked them to think of the lost person, they would often sigh,
their shoulders would slump a little, and their breathing would become shallower. Some would then
say, “It’s OK,” but in a somewhat high and strained tonality. While this is somewhat better than
breaking into uncontrollable weeping, it was clear that their grief was not resolved. It was “dealt with”
only to the extent that it was controlled so that it did not often intrude into their ongoing experience.