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British Dialogues
British Dialogues
и звуковой форме принадлежат Николаю Федоровичу Замяткину. Любое копирование и распространение этих
диалогов является нарушением закона.
1. Yes, No
– Knock, knock!
– Who’s there?
– It’s the man you like to hate.
– All right, my hateful man, come in. What’s up?
– Not much. What are you doing? Reading? Are you all right?
– Yes, I am reading. It’s Updike…
– Updike? John Hoyer Updike? Son of Linda Grace (Hoyer) Updike
and Wesley Russell Updike?
Born in Reading, Pennsylvania, in nineteen thirty-two?
Graduated from Harvard College in nineteen fifty-four?
The famous novelist, essayist, critic, and overall refined intellectual? The cult author?
The Updike!?
– Oh, stop it! You think that if I liked “Cut, Gut and Lots of Blood”, I can’t read Updike?
I can, and I do! And, I enjoy doing it very much! There!
10. Hamlet
– To be or not to be?
The silly, silly bee!
For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones together;
A time to seek,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to cast away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time for war,
And a time for peace;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones together…
13. A Test
– Look at this line, Jane! It’s half a mile long! What’s going on?
– Don’t you know? The one hundred fiftieth or so, book of Harry Potter
by the famous author Rowling is out today. All of her fans are standing in line to buy it.
– No way! And, what about that fat, bald chap in his… fifties? He’s dressed up like a clown:
night gown, idiotic hat and all. What’s he supposed to be?
– Your ignorance is appalling, my friend. He’s Harry Potter,
the young magician fighting the evil.
– I know! I know! The… what’s his name…
Potner chap fights the evil Agent Smith and the Matrix! And…
– You savage! Don’t you know anything about the mass culture?
The Matrix was fought by Neo. He was the Chosen One.
And, there was also Morpheus and that chick in tight shiny trousers you liked so much.
– I remember! It comes back to me now. We went to see it together, right?
– Right. You were late for the show; I was angry at you and didn’t talk to you for some time.
– Yeah, I do remember. But, look at those people; what a herd of nitwits!
– Yes, my friend, the brain-dead rule the world...
17. A House
– Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, you have the right haircut, the right scar, the right looks.
You even have a wand. But, you do not have…
– Sir?
– You still do not know how to say…
– What, sir?
– You cannot pronounce the word…
– Yes, I can, I can!
– Do not interrupt me, Harry! You’re pushing me to the limit!
Just shut your mouth and sit there! I’m two hundred years old,
I have a very bad temper and I can smack you, if you do it again! You get my drift?
– Yes, sir! I do, sir!
– And take that finger out of your nose when I’m talking to you!
19. Abracadabra 2
– Good morning, Jim! Can you help me with the computer again?
– Uh, sure, but those chaps never brought it back…
– Yes, they did. It’s sitting on my desk!
– No way! They couldn’t have gotten past me without my seeing them.
– But I’m telling you – it’s right there. I’ve just seen it.
– Oh, maybe, you’ve seen a ghost or something…
– Are you going to help or should I ask somebody else?
– Ah well… let’s go…
– Here it is!
– Where?
– Right here – in front of you!
– I’m not blind. I told you they never brought it back from the shop. It’s not here.
– If you’re making some kind of joke, it’s not funny. What’s this in your opinion!?
– It’s only a monitor.
– A monitor, a computer… What’s the difference?
Just help me turn it on – I’ve got work to do!
– Oh, Good Lord!
21. Avocados
– Anything else?
– Okay… let me see those avocados in the back. Are they ripe?
– Not really. They’re a bit hard. What do you want them for? A guacamole or a salad?
They’re just right for a salad…
Neither. I eat them straight with some salt and black pepper.
My roommate taught me that in college.
Just like that, uh?
– Yep. And with some nice bread. French baguette would just do fine.
– How do you do that? You make an open sandwich or what?
– No, you cut it open with a knife, take out the core, salt and pepper it
and eat it with a tea spoon. Very simple but very delicious.
Hmm… I should try it. You got me curious.
– You won’t regret it. Trust me. You’ll get hooked just like me.
– Oh. Okay. Thank you for your recipe!
– You’re welcome.
22. Sandwich
– Looks like our buddy Steve got rich. Probably won the lottery or something.
I saw him drive around in a red Lamborghini the other day.
It must be worth at least half a mil.
– Yeah, I know. I talked to him yesterday and even had a ride in that rocket of his.
– So, what’s his story?
– You won’t believe it.
– Try me.
– OK. You know that our Stevie never in his life had a job.
So, he sits around all day in his underwear watching “Star Trek” and browsing the paper.
About a week ago he goes through the Auto Trader and he sees that ad.
A Lamborghini for a hundred pounds.
And being as stupid as he is he just calls the number.
The chap on the other side says “Yeah. Come over and bring the money”.
Stevie says to himself “What the heck, it’s only a ten minute drive, what am I gonna lose?”
You with me so far?
– Yes, I am. Go on.
– Let’s have a beer first. I had a tough day. Want a beer?
– Sure. Beam me up, Scotty!
25. Live Long and Prosper!
– Thanks for the beer, man. Go on with the story, will you?
– So, you like it so far, uh?
– You bet I do! The suspense is killing me. I’m on my toes waiting for the punch line!
– All right then, it gets even better. Our Captain Kirk gets there;
the chap gives him the owner’s title and the keys,
and off our Stevie goes in his new Lamborghini.
– No, you must be kidding.
– I kid you not, man. The story, apparently,
is that the chap was in the middle of a very ugly divorce.
I mean ugly. Ugly as they can get.
He and his ex-wife fought over that Lamborghini for years.
Finally, the judge rules that the chap must sell the car and give the money to his ex.
– Oh, no!
– Oh, yes, my man! Oh, yes! So, the chap tells the judge, very quietly, mind you,
“Yes, your honor! Of course, your honor!”
He sells his car to our friend for the one hundred pounds and sends the check to his ex.
The curtain falls. End of story.
– My, oh my, oh my! Looks like the stupid ones have all the luck in the world!
– Let’s drink to our lucky Captain Steve and his new spaceship!
– Live long and prosper!
26. What Do You Think?
– Have you seen the American presidential debate last night? It was quite a show.
– I’m sorry to say I have.
– You don’t seem to be very impressed.
– Impressed I was. By their incredible stupidity!
The Republican candidate kept talking about “nu-killer” weapons.
He can’t even say “nuclear”. I don’t believe he went to Harvard.
Probably slept all the way through it…
– Well, brains are not his strong side. I give you that. What about the other chap?
The Democrat.
– The Democrat, right!
He’s got more money in his pocket than Bill Gates and Donald Trump together.
The other day, they showed his ranch in California and it was the size of New Zealand.
And he “stands for the poor”. Yeah, right…
– I see. What about our new Prime Minister, then? What do you think of him?
– Well, his suit looks OK. His haircut’s perfect. His teeth sparkle. What else do we need?
He’s a darling!
– You seem to be in a very critical mood today, my friend.
– Well, you’re right. Today I’m a bit grouchy. But it’s all a game and you know it.
– Yes, indeed I do, my friend. But sometimes this game is very interesting to watch…
27. The Impossible Book