[LUCAS, LUCAS, LUCAS]

Lights up on Morticia, holding a live mouse by the tail. She is feeding her carnivorous
plant, Cleopatra.

Morticia: Have you been a good little mousy?...Would you be willing to make the
ultimate sacrifice just for the sake of love?...You would? Well, this is your lucky day.

She feeds it to Cleopatra, who quivers and receives a gentle pat. Morticia exits. Gomez
enters, fencing energetically with Lurch. Despite Gomez’s animated movements, Lurch
is practically standing still.

Gomez: Aha! Feel the kiss of my Spanish steel! Fight sir, fight like a man! Ha, ha, ha,
ha, aha! Foiled again!

Lurch slowly leans forward, poking Gomez in the stomach with total slowness and
deliberacy with his sword.

Ow! Still too fast for me, you devil.

Gomez exits. Morticia enters, sitting on a chaise lounge. Lurch, moaning, hands her a
bouquet of flowers and a note. Gomez quickly reenters.

Gomez: Flowers! Who would send something so tasteless?

Morticia: The most precious gift there is, more goodylicious than gold, is that blessing
we call friendship, whether new or very old.

Gomez: Goodylicious? Who talks like this?

Morticia: The Beinekes, Wednesday’s friend Lucas and his parents. He’s all she ever
talks about. ‘Lucas, Lucas, Lucas’!

She begins to remove the flower heads, keeping only the stems.

Gomez: Always three times?

Morticia: They’re coming to dinner tonight.

Gomez: Why, why?

Morticia: She invited them. Put these in water, please, Lurch.

She hands Lurch the flower stems.

Wednesday’s got herself a beau.

Gomez: But she’s a baby, we just brought her home from the hospital!
Morticia: They’re young, the fall in love, they kiss.

Gomez: Each other? My beloved daughter, kissed by a stranger!

He swings his sword at a curtain tassel, which falls to the ground and skitters off stage,
looking very much like Cousin Itt.

Well, kiss that, Mr. Lucas Beineke!

Morticia: Better now?

Gomez: Suddenly I feel sad. Why would she do this?

Morticia: You do this every time she meets a boy.

Gomez: I know, I keep forgetting. She just got so big!

Morticia: Wednesday’s growing up.

Gomez: She’ll be Thursday before we know it.

Wednesday enters, carrying her crossbow and a goose with and arrow sticking out of it,
which she hands to Lurch.

Wednesday: Here’s dinner, and don’t forget to cook it this time.

Lurch meanders off stage carrying to goose

Hello father, mother…Oh my gosh, you tore the heads off the flowers! They’ll die!

Morticia: Yes.

Wednesday begins to pick up the flower heads

Wednesday: Oh, poor little flowers, so soft, like the ears of a little pink velvet bunny
rabbit.

Gomez: Wednesday, maybe you should lie down for a minute.

Wednesday: Why?

Morticia: You’re happy.

Wednesday: I know, it just comes on me. Suddenly, everything seems light and fluffy
and I want to go pick flowers and feed squirrels…and then it passes, and I want to go
squeeze a frog until its guts come out of its mouth. And then it comes back again…
Lucas, Lucas, Lucas!
Gomez and Morticia point to each other in shock. Yes, it is always three times.

He’s so smart and so deep and I just want to tear his flesh off and eat him up! Where
was I? Never mind. Pugsley’s waiting for me. Have a super, super day!

Wednesday exits.

Morticia: Oh boy.

She and Gomez sit down on the chaise lounge, which begins to roll offstage.

Gomez: I know, I know. It feels as if the whole room is moving!

Blackout.