Stupid News

A man in Nebraska, who, on Valentine's Day, to prove his love for his wife
who was concerned that she would die without having done anything important
enough to write about in her obituary, as a Valentine's surprise, placed a
real obituary in the Lincoln Nebraska Star-Journal announcing her death and
listing her importance to the world as being first, her commitment to him and
second, her commitment to her three children.

It never occurred to him either what profound impact this 'romantic

inspiration' would have on family and friends, let alone his wife who had to
spend the day answering the door and the phone, when people learned she had
died.

His romantic obituary, headed OBITUARY read, Diana "sacrificed a life of

selfishness to leave a legacy of life to her Husband and Children. She shared
the Truth, the Light and the Savior of this world, Jesus Christ,with her
family, which set them free. May you shine in peace knowing that your life is
eternal and that a mansion is being prepared for you. All our love Steve,
Connor, Preston and Hunter..."

Acquaintances were calling funeral homes to find her body, upset friends
phoned crying and sobbing, and neighbors showed up offering to help with the
children. The children had to deal with schoolmates who thought their mother
died. Wouldn't you love to have been able to capture the initial thought in
all their heads when they learned that her husband put it into the newspaper
as a tribute?

His wife says ''it was really sweet'' but she would have preferred a
disclaimer be on the obit.

Journal-Star (Lincoln, Nebraska) 12-Mar-01

http://www.journalstar.com/local?story_id=2977

Provided by http://Bonehead.Oddballs.com

~~~~~~~~~~
2. HUMOUR
~~~~~~~~~~

Bizarre things to say and do to a telephone solicitor to get him to hang up

and leave you alone:

*"So, what are you wearing?"

* Talk very quietly and then without warning, scream as loud as you can into
the phone.

* "You'll have to excuse me now, my armpit is on fire."

* "I'm sorry, but this phone is for personal calls only.The boss won't let us
use it for business."

* Respond to their questions with fax/modem noises.

* "Have you heard about that study showing that it can cause impotence to sit
all day with a telephone receiver next to your head?"

* When they ask to speak with you, say "Just a moment,"and give the phone to
your six-year old child to carry on the conversation.
* Pretend to be very interested in their product and then quite calmly and
earnestly inquire, "Yes, but can it make a six minute casserole?"

* "I am truly sorry but the moon is in the seventh house of Pluto and my
astrologer would just die if he knew I was talking to a salesman during this
solar phase."

* "This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording. This isn't a recording.

This isn't a recording."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Regular Quote:

"Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life."

- Burton Hills
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. WEEKLY BRAIN TEASER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What goes around the world and stays in a corner?

A stamp.

Last week's brain teaser:

I'm in a rock, not in a stone

I'm in marrow, not in bone
I'm in a bolster, not in a bed
I'm not living , I'm not dead

Answer:

A letter "R."

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend by the name of Common Sense. Common sense lived a long life but
died from heart failure. No one really knows how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in
bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories and offices. He
helped folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits
held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come
in out of the rain, the early bird gets the worm, and life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting
strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second. A veteran of the
Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural
and educational trends including, body piercing, whole language, ebonics and new math. His health declined when
he became infected with the "If it only helps one person it's worth it" bug. In recent decades his waning strength
proved no match for the ravages of overbearing federal regulation. He watched in pain as good people became ruled
by self-seeking lawyers and enlightened auditors. Common Sense knew the end was near when schools endlessly
implemented zero tolerance policies, reports of six-year-old boys charged with sexual harassment for kissing a
classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an
unruly student, when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform the
parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion. Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the
Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than
victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports.
Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments, regarding questionable
regulations for asbestos, low-flow toilets, smart guns, the nurturing of Prohibition Laws and mandatory air bags.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter,
Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
Three stepbrothers survive him: Rights, Tolerance and Whiner. Not many attended his funeral unfortunately,
because so few realize he is gone.
****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

What did Hitler use to tie his shoes?

Little Knotsies.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Nun.

How many real estate (sp?) agents does to take to change

a light bulb? Ten, but we'll accept eight.

How many surreal artists does it take to change a light bulb?

A fish.

Submitted by Michaela Walker

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Sometimes You'll Laugh!! Sometimes You'll Cry!!

But you'll always get the very best in Inspiring Stories, Articles
& Poems when you join Inspirational Angels. True stories Submitted
by the people who experienced them.
To join send a mailto:Subscribe-IRAngels@mail.com

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Stupid News

A woman in High Ridge, Missouri who, while working a cash

register at a gas station,

· took a $3 scratch lottery ticket without paying

· Discovered she won $100,000
· Never thought of just putting the $3 into the cash register
to make it all work out, but instead,
· Proceeded to rewind all the security tapes to cover up
the theft
· Took the winning ticket to a coworker, admitting she stole it,
and trying to get the coworker to steal more tickets with her
(the coworker reported her)
· Put the ticket into a safe deposit box along with notes from
herself and her boyfriend stating that the ticket was stolen
but that each of them was innocent of the theft, and then
· Disappeared.

The money is most likely going to the school system and she may
have won free room and board at a local penal institute.

St. Louis Post-Dispatch 32-Mar-01

<http://home.post-dispatch.com/channel/pdweb.nsf/pd/86256A0E
0068FE5086256A1800341011?OpenDocument&PubWrapper=Metro>
* You may have to cut and past the entire URL into your browser *

Provided by http://Bonehead.Oddballs.com

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Step Back, I Know First-Aid!

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone
pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A
woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed
in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked.
"I've taken a course in first-aid!"

The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the
shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the
part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

Submitted by Mike P.

===================================================================

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1. THE FACTS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. The only person to be elected to both the Football Hall of Fame and the
Baseball Hall of Fame is Cal Hubbard. 2. Gandhi was born in 1869. 3. The population of Mexico is over 90 million
people. 4. Michael J. Fox was born in Edmonton, AB, Canada. 5. Decatur, Illinois was the original home of the
Chicago Bears football team. Thousands of more useless facts at: http://www.uselessfacts.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 2. HUMOUR ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Step Back, I Know First-Aid! When a
car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman
was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken
a course in first-aid!" The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she
said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here." Thanks Dave http://www.Daily-
Chuckle.com More humour: http://www.uselessfacts/humour ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3. TODAY'S QUOTES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Regular Quote: "I slept and dreamed that life was beauty. I awoke -- and found that life was
duty." - Ellen Stugis Hooper Stupid Quote: "Most hotels are already booked solid by people, plus 5,000 journalists."
- Bangkok Post Check out more stupid quotes at: http://www.uselessfacts.net/stupid.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 4. READERS' FEEDBACK ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Re: When honey is
swallowed, it enters the bloodstream within a period of 20 minutes. Likewise, if you rub fresh garlic on your feet,
you'll smell on your breathe within an hour. - Aaron I think you may have meant it is helpful to epileptics.
Sometimes consuming honey can slow, reduce or event stop a seizure. - GodsAngelita Re: 1882 - The American
outlaw Jesse James is shot in the back and killed by his cousing, Bob Ford. This statement is not entirely true. Jesse
James was shot in the back of the head, not the back. He was standing on a chair adjusting a picture when Ford shot
him. Jesse James resided in the town of St. Joe Missouri. The house where he was shot in is now a museum. You
can actually walk through it and see the bullet hole in the wall, although I don't really recommend going because it
costs around 2 dollars and is crowded with people. The highlight of the museum is the bullet hole and there is not
much else. - Lizard, USA Visit the Useless Facts Message Board! http://www.uselessfacts.net/cgi-
bin/ubb/Ultimate.cgi?action=intro ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5. TODAY IN HISTORY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On April 4th in history .. 1860 - Pony Express begins service - from St. Joseph - Missouri. 1870 - Golden Gate Park
established by City Order #800. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 6. WEEKLY BRAIN TEASER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Take one out and scratch my head I am now black but once was red. What am I?
http://www.uselessfacts.net/brain/brainanswer92.html Last week's brain teaser: What goes around the world and
stays in a corner? Answer: A stamp. More brain teasers at: http://www.uselessfacts.net/brain ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 7.
OTHER INFO ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Please forward this issue to a friend or relative! HOW DO I SUBSCRIBE? It's
free! Just send a message to Useless_Facts-subscribe@listbot.com Unsubscribe? Useless_Facts-
unsubscribe@listbot.com Send a Cartoon Greeting Card from Uselessfacts.net http://www.uselessfacts.net/postcards
Get your free, private email http://www.sadmail.com Get up to 4 megs of storage space! ADVERTISERS: Reach
thousands of readers by sponsoring an issue of Uselessfacts.net. For additional information please go to:
<http://www.freecoolcash.com/sponsor.html> DISCLAIMER: Uselessfacts.net does not take responsibility for the
use of the above information. Sources are not always 100% reliable. The useless facts and other material do not
reflect the view of Uselessfacts.net and are for entertainment purposes only. Uselessfacts.net runs material submitted
and does not claim to own any copyright privileges to it. PRIVACY STATEMENT: Uselessfacts.net does not make
its subscriber list available to third parties. We value and respect your privacy. Editor: Gauher Chaudhry © 2001
Cool Cash, All Rights Reserved.

Total Subscribers: 12,643

I'm sure some of you are wondering why membership has been
dropping. I have been removing people who have chosen not to get
the email from the distribution list. I know that doesn't seem
to make any sense, but they can still be counted in the
yahoogroups.com system and not get an email.

Please keep those inspirational stories coming, or if you get

another excellent inspirational stories mailing list, please
let me know so I can contact that list owner.

Your JokeMaster, Dave

Email me at feedback@daily-chuckle.com

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Shorties

What kind of work goes on in a salt & pepper factory?

Seasonal work.

How long do you the need the two by fours if you are going
to build a wood frame house?
At least 40 years.

Why did the man quit smoking cold turkey?

He couldn't keep it lit.

What does an invisible baby drink?

Evaporated milk.

What do you get if you cross a pastry chef with a soft drink?
Baking soda.

Submitted by Mike P.

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

WANTED: Kids 10 and under looking for the ultimate list, filled
with fun and education! The Kidz Kingdom can deliver all that
and more to your mailbox once a week! Kid tested, mother approved
Do your child a favor and sign up!
Check out TheKidzKingdom.com/ or send a blank e-mail to
TheKidzKingdom-subscribe@topica.com

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************
Stupid News

A "major cable news network" believed that a parody

website, purporting to be doing live monitoring
of Vice President Cheny's heartbeat, was for real.

Because the network had contacted them, the site,

http://www.cheneyheartwatch.com, had to post the following
very true statement:

"A major cable news channel contacted this website wanting to

know how we were able to get this data and what our sources
were. This prompted us to post this disclaimer. Remember people,
these are the same people you get your news from day in and day
out. If they can't see through such an obvious parody, then how
can we be certain that what they are reporting to us is real?
Think about it."

Ananova 23-Mar-01
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_253234.html

Provided by http://Bonehead.Oddballs.com

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Join the best freebie club on the Internet!

http://www.freebieclub.com/FC_MyFreebies.asp?redir=quick&a=9549

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Saying of the Day

If you don't watch out, you'll end up where you're going.

Funny Saying of the Day

If Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Grenspan owned a horse, would

the economy be more stable? (Lawrence)

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Link of the Day

Too Cute! http://ugrin.com/?43-90

YOUR TAX DOLLARS HARD AT WORK:

http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/lazy~1.htm

* WARNING - The above site links are safe to click on, but
other pages on these sites may be inappropriate.

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Today's nice comment from a nice person (Laura):

Dave, thanks for all you do! It is great to get clean jokes
on the Internet that I don't have to worry about opening.
Plus it is always fun to hear your personal touches! It
really makes it more fun. Keep the jokes coming!!!

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************
Today's Useless Facts:

1. The Boeing 747 has been in commercial service since 1970.

2. When horses lift their heads up high to look at something,

they're looking far into the distance. To see things that are
closer, they lower their heads.

3. There are 6,500 windows in the Empire States Building.

4. In 1513, Ponce DeLeon, was seeking the mythical "Fountain of

Youth," and discovered Florida , claiming it for Spain.
Later, Florida was sold to the United States in 1819.

5. Morihei Ueshiba, founder of Aikido, once pinned a Sumo

wrestler using only a single finger.

Thousands of more useless facts at: http://www.uselessfacts.net

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Where are computers first mentioned in the Bible?

When the Windows of heaven were opened(Genesis 7:11, KJV).

Submitted by Jason N.

Total Subscribers: 12,549

Howdy! I wanted to clarify what I was looking for as far as

"inspirational stories." I am looking for stories about close
calls, rescues, people helping people or events that made you
feel really good.

I hope everyone is enjoying the new Useless Facts section.

Feel free to submit Useless Facts as well!

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Garage sale season has

started here so I have enjoyed going on what I call my "demented
treasure hunt."

Your JokeMaster, Dave

Email me at feedback@daily-chuckle.com

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

More Shorties

Why did the soda can go to college?

He wanted to be a fizz ed teacher.

What happens when you cross rice krispies with a Kangaroo?

Snap! Crackle! Hop!

Where to farmers keep baby ears of corn?

In the corn crib.

Why did the chocolate chip cookie visit the doctor?

He was feeling crummy.
What did the geometry teacher say when she lost her parrot?
Where's my polygon?

Submitted by Mike P.

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

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sites
about web design, education, graphics, teens, cooking, antiques, free
and fun stuff? Hidden Net Treasures is for you.
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Let us search the seven seas of the web to find the pearls for you!
Join us
today!
To Subscribe Send a blank email to: treasures-subscribe@topica.com

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Stupid News

The State of Florida for charging a 17-year-old high

school student at Navarre High School in Santa Rosa County,
Asher Zaslaw, with a 3rd degree felony for tape recording
a chemistry lecture. The charge was applied when the
chemistry teacher, Shelaine Goss, filed a complaint. The
state claimed Asher violated Florida's anti-wiretapping law.

A THIRD DEGREE FELONY charge for recording a lecture? A

felony? As in armed robbery?

And what says Assistant State Attorney John Mochan?

He dropped the charges because the law only applies if there

is a reasonable expectation of privacy. A lecture with 30
students, he says, hardly provides a reasonable expectation
of privacy. Furthermore the law allows taping at public
meetings and public gatherings.

It does not appear that the school administration had anything

to do with the felony charges.

Washington Post 28-Feb-01

<http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/aponline/20010228/aponline
194037_000.htm>

Provided by http://Bonehead.Oddballs.com

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Become a sponsor of The Daily Chuckle! T

Cost are lower than ever. To express interest, send an email to
advertise@daily-chuckle.com

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Saying of the Day

The only reason you can do that is because you're too dumb
to know you can't!
Funny Saying of the Day

I think you and your spouse should share the pressures and
burdens in your lives. But don't let your co-workers find out,
'cause not everyone approves of cross-stressing. (Mark Weiss)

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Link of the Day

Just a little bit closer..... http://ugrin.com/?43-93

* WARNING - The above site links are safe to click on, but
other pages on these sites may be inappropriate.

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Today's nice comment from a nice person (Elaine in Tennessee):

I am a Sunday School teacher for the 12-13 year old class. I

often forward them your jokes. I don't have to worry about
the content and it reminds them that their teacher cares
about them and likes fun too!

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Today's Useless Facts:

1. Saturday night is the biggest night of the week for eating

pizza.

2. A Sphygmomanometer measures blood pressure.

3. A typical lightning bolt is two to four inches wide and two

miles long.

4. The wristwatch was invented in 1904 by Louis Cartier.

5. When honey is swallowed, it enters the blood stream within a

period of 20 minutes.

Thousands of more useless facts at: http://www.uselessfacts.net

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.

They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated
it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter
and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the
bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he
would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so
the little boy decided today was the day to push the
outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and
started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the
creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed
after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little
boy asked why. The dad replied, "someone pushed the
outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped
down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he
told the truth."
The dad replied,

"Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't IN that

cherry tree!"

===================================================================

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****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Married Employees

In a small town in the US, there is a rather

sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called

on the manager and asked him, "Why is it
you limit your employees to married men?
Is it because you think us women are week,
dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied.

"It is because our employees are used to

obeying orders, are accustomed to being
shoved around, know how to keep their
mouths shut and don't pout when I yell
at them."

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

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****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Stupid News

A large number of people in Malaysia who turned over thousands

of dollars to six con men believing that black paper can be
turned into U.S. dollars.

To demonstrate, the con men would take real dollar bills which
were blackened, then run the bills through a solution called
"Universal Automatic Washer" which would remove the black
covering and .. lo and behold .. black paper is turned into
dollars! This was enough to convince people to fork over
thousands of dollars to buy the "solution" and black paper
(which wasn't blackened dollar bills).

But the government is not all that sympathetic. "My final

word is, all these victims are greedy," said Michael Choong,
head of the Malaysian Chinese Association's public services
and complaints department.

Ananova 21-Feb-01
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_215617.html

Provided by http://Bonehead.Oddballs.com

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

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Aimed at the 99% of Internet businesses that fail every year.
Full of tips and ideas on driving targeted traffic to your website.
Free 40 word ad for all new subscribers.
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****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Saying of the Day

If all our problems were clothes on a line, you'd run for

yours and I'd run for mine."

Funny Saying of the Day

An upset customer complained that when she picked up her

leopard-skin coat at the cleaners, it was spotless. (Merlyn Baby)

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Link of the Day

Cajun Baby Food! http://ugrin.com/?43-94

ARE YOU AFRAID OF LOSING?

http://www.dailymegajoke.com/pass/losing~1.htm

* WARNING - The above site links are safe to click on, but
other pages on these sites may be inappropriate.

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Today's nice comment from a nice person (Amy):

I have rejoined your list and it is still great! Good job Dave!
I just wanted to say hi and I am still here!

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************
Today's Useless Facts:

1. New York City was briefly the U.S. capital from 1789 to 1790.

2. An elephant's trunk contains more than 50,000 muscles.

3. A car is stolen every 30 seconds in the United States.

4. It is estimated that only 5-10% of the worlds information has

been digitized.

5. Lexington is the largest city in the state of Kentucky.

Thousands of more useless facts at: http://www.uselessfacts.net

****************** D A I L Y C H U C K L E ************************

Smarter

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the

proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green

replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't
hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer,
I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of
them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the

store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and
he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes
home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back
and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for

$4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish
for $2.
...You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."

===================================================================

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Please forward this message to friends so they can smile too!

Thanks and Keep Laughing!

Your JokeMaster, Dave ôżô

~
====================================================================
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SEND US YOUR CLEAN JOKES TO BE INCLUDED IN FUTURE ISSUES!

jokes@daily-chuckle.com

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