BAREFOOT ON QUEEN

[A play for 4 actors]

by Melisa Martin

2010

Ph: (07) 853 7139

Mob: 021 115 1349
m.k.martin@hotmail.com
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SYNOPSIS
‘Barefoot on Queen’ tells the story of young Leo, who has found himself with a headache on the very empty
intersection of Queen Street and Victoria Street in Auckland.
There he encounters his so-Hamilton mother, his stoner best friend, and later his bitch girlfriend, running into
a few strangers along the way too.
It is a bizaare, post-modern romance about the things we think we don't think about and the things we
perhaps should

TIME
Present day. Day time.

PLACE
The four-way intersection outside Whitcoulls, on Queen Street, Auckland.
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CHARACTERS

LEO Early 20’s. Good looking, happy-go-lucky.

PETRA 20’s. Pretty, but plain. Quick-witted and sassy.

BEN 20’s. LEO’S best friend. Seems at first to be a bit of a drip,

but we find out otherwise.

JILLY 20’s. Narcissistic, mean, but well-dressed and educated.

MR. DONAHUE 50’s. Executive man, could be gay.

MRS. MILLER 50’s. LEO’S overbearing, oh-so-Kiwi mother.

MAREE 30’s. A prostitute.

NB: Adaptations could be made to suit a different location eg ‘Barefoot on Broadway’. JILLY/MAREE/MRS
MILLER to be played with one actor. BEN/MR DONAHUE to be played with one actor.
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SCENE 1
The stage is dark; LEO is sitting on his guitar case, CS, with his guitar on his knee. A film of the Auckland
intersection of Victoria Street and Queen Street, with Whitcoulls on the main corner, is projected onto LEO and
the wall behind him, complete with traffic soundscape. He sports a tailored jacket, shirt, tie, folded up/cut off
jeans, and bare feet. LEO speaks the conversation between ‘Red Man’ and ‘Green Man’.

LEO: Hey, Red Man, wanna hear what I can do?

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds. LEO laughs.

Shut up Green Man.

Hey, Red Man? Wanna see what I can do?

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds

Shut up, Green Man.

Hey, Red Man? Wanna hear what I can do?

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds.

(Warningly) Seriously Green Man. Fuck up.

Hey, Red Man?
No! I do NOT want to hear what you can do!

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds.

(Angry) SHUT UP! STOP IT! I’ve heard your stupid sound, give it a rest! Shut the fuck up!

A beat.

(Tauntingly) Hey, Red Man…

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds. A CAR HORN blasts and TYRES SQUEAL,

a THUD is heard. BLACKOUT
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SCENE 2
LIGHTS UP. LEO moves his case and self to outside Whitcoulls. He slings the guitar over his head and gives it a
quick tune, before playing. The level of his musical talent is not important, though the song should be legible.
The song is ‘Your Song’ by Elton John.

LEO:
(Singing)
“…My gift is my song
And this one’s for you.
And you can tell everybody
That this is your song…”

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds. MR. DONAHUE walks passed on a cell

phone and throws a twenty-dollar note into the guitar case. He
gives LEO a wink.

LEO: “…It may be quite simple but

Now that it’s done…”

DONAHUE is stopped and silently distracted by MAREE who has

crossed from the opposite direction. They share interaction while
LEO sings, and MAREE tries to convince DONAHUE into “buying”.

LEO: “…I hope you don’t mind

I hope you don’t mind
That I’ve put down in words…” (Long pause)

As LEO starts to sing again, MAREE very clearly reaches for

DONAHUE’S crotch.

LEO: “…How wonderful life is…”

DONAHUE looks around nervously, stealing a glance at LEO who is

lost in the song. He shrugs MAREE off him and hurries on his way.

LEO: “…Now you’re in the woooooooorld!”

He ends dramatically. PETRA ENTERS, her head buried in ‘Jane

Eyre’ by Emily Bronte. She sits cross-legged on the ground as she
waits for the lights to change. LEO plays with the tuning of the
guitar, subtly watching PETRA, intrigued.

After a few moments, Mr. DONAHUE ENTERS. PETRA rolls out of

the way before DONAHUE walks into her, she gets to her feet.
DONAHUE mimes pressing the button, they wait together in
silence. PETRA looks nervous when LEO starts up. The song is
“Creep” by Radiohead.

LEO:
(Singing)
“I want you to notice when I’m not around”

DONAHUE. He pulls a phone from inside his jacket and ignores her.
Their interaction is mimed.
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LEO: “I wish I was special.

You’re so fuckin’ special,”

PETRA continues trying to gain DONAHUE’S attention.

LEO: “But I’m a creep.

I’m a weirdo”

DONAHUE puts his phone away, and looks at PETRA.

LEO: “What the hell am I doin’ here?

I don’t belong here
I don’t belong here…” (Long pause)

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds. DONAHUE crosses and EXITS, LEO

watches.

LEO:
(Attention now on PETRA)
“I don’t beloooooooooong here.”

PETRA looks at LEO embarrassed. She rushes across the road and
trips. Her bag spills all over the road, she scrambles to collect her
things. LEO puts his guitar down and speeds to help.

LEO: You okay?

PETRA: Um, yeah, I’m fine.

LEO: Do you want me to follow that guy? Pulls his pants down or something?

PETRA:
(Smiling)
He’d probably love that.

LEO: Who was he? Ex boyfriend? Boss? Sugar daddy?

PETRA:
(Takes whatever is in LEO’S hand.)
Not really. No.

LEO: “No” to which?

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds.

PETRA:
(Uncomfortable)
All of the above; I have to go…

She moves to EXIT

LEO: You’re welcome!

PETRA: Thanks!

LEO: Where’re you going?

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PETRA: Why aren’t you singing whole songs?

LEO: You can’t answer a question with another question.

PETRA: I think I just did though.

She EXITS.

LEO:
(Picking up a book and calling after her)
Wait! (More to himself)
You dropped this…
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SCENE 3
LEO flicks through the pages, examines the cover then drops it into his guitar case. DONAHUE ENTERS again,
scoffing a donut, with a coffee in his hand. He mimes pushing the button, next to LEO.

LEO: Spare a buck man?

DONAHUE continues to stuff his face.

LEO :
(Half kidding)
Or the number of an important friend?

DONAHUE:
(Chuckling as he finishes his mouthful)
I do know someone actually, probably right up your alley.

LEO:
(Unconvinced)
Really?

DONAHUE: Sure!

Takes a pen from his pocket and picks a five dollar note from LEO’S
guitar case and writes a number on it and hands it to LEO.

LEO: What is this?

DONAHUE: My number.

LEO: Um, what for?

DONAHUE: I’m interested in commissioning your services.

LEO: You don’t even know what my services are though…

DONAHUE: I’m sure we could find a use for you. (He winks at LEO) You’re a musician aren’t you?

LEO: Yeah…

DONAHUE: Then I would like to commission you.

LEO: Just like that?

DONAHUE: It’s a dog eat dog world boyo. You don’t take the opportunities where they’re offered, and
you’ll just fall by the wayside unnoticed and unmissed.

LEO: How do you know I’m any good?

DONAHUE: I just heard you silly.

LEO: But those we’re covers. And not even the whole thing. Like snippets of covers.

DONAHUE: We could do some kind of… interview if you’d prefer?

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LEO: Well, I’m a little unsure of what it is you actually want from me.

DONAHUE: I own an estate in Parnell, why don’t you come for dinner tomorrow evening. We can talk
business then.

LEO: What business though?

DONAHUE: For a pretty boy you’re not too smart are you? What’s your name boyo?

LEO: Leo.

DONAHUE: I’m Phillip Donahue.

LEO: The Phillip Donahue?

DONAHUE: It depends, what have you heard?

LEO: Oh y’know, the usual I’m sure, built a record company, nurtures young artists under his
wing…

DONAHUE: Then yes. The Phillip Donahue.

They shake hands

LEO: It’s nice to meet you Mr. Donahue.

DONAHUE: Pfft, is my grandfather around? Phillip will do just fine.

LEO: Forgive me for being frank Phillip, but I have no credentials, no professional musical
experience…

DONAHUE: Well how are you ever going to get any if someone doesn’t give you a break?

LEO: That’s true…

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds. DONAHUE checks his watch.

DONAHUE: Tell you what. I have a feeling we can come to some kind of arrangement. I’ll head back to
my office and cancel a couple of appointments, then why don’t you meet me back here in a
wee while and we’ll talk in a bit more detail and nut out the particulars.

LEO: Whoa, really? That would be amazing! I’ll be here.

DONAHUE: Goodo, see you in a little while then.

They shake hands. DONAHUE EXITS. LEO dances around the

intersection, stoked.
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SCENE 4
PETRA ENTERS.

PETRA: Did I drop my book here?

LEO takes her hands and dances her around the stage.

PETRA: Does this mean I can have my book back?

LEO: It most definitely does not mean you can have your book back. But it does mean that this
might be the luckiest day of my life!

PETRA: Because you have my book?

LEO: No. Well, yes actually! I have a free copy of Jane Eyre, my rent this week is paid and I scored
myself a job interview! Yeyah!

PETRA: You do not have a free copy of Jane Eyre. You have a stolen copy of Jane Eyre, which I intend
to reclaim. What’s the job?

LEO: I think I’m being commissioned to write. Stooooked!

PETRA: That’s awesome. Can I have my book back?

LEO: Oi with the book already.

LEO spots something on the ground and goes to investigate.

LEO: Dude, check it out! That is the most EPIC thing I have ever seen!

Crawling over to where LEO is looking and poking

PETRA: What’s the most epic thing?

LEO: This, c’mere!

PETRA goes to check it out then freaks out and scurries far away
on her hands and knees.

PETRA: That’s the most epic thing you’ve ever seen? You have led a sad, sad life.

LEO: They’re cool man! I love how they have eight legs and heaps of eyes. It’s like they can see
everything but they can’t share it with anyone, except other spiders, and let’s be honest, the
other spiders already know because they have heaps of eyes too. (He searches the ground)
Shit, you scared him away.

PETRA: I scared him away?

LEO: Yeah, with your flustering about.

PETRA: It scared me away! Why do they even need that many legs?

LEO: Have you ever tried balancing on a web you’ve spun yourself?

PETRA: I have two legs and my life is quite fulfilling. (She freezes.) What’s that?
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LEO: What?

PETRA:
(Breathing heavily)
On my leg. What the fuck is on my fuckin’ leg?

LEO looks and tries not to laugh. PETRA looks and the spider is on
her leg. She brushes it off frantically and starts screaming and
hollering. She, gets to her feet and starts running around LEO like a
chook with its head chopped off, lifting her legs as high as possible
as she runs, so as not to touch the ground more than necessary.

LEO: You have to stop screaming like that! You sound like you’re being bloody raped!

PETRA shuts up instantly.

LEO: Do you really not like spiders that much?

PETRA: Um, no. ‘Not liking’ them is a gross understatement. If I could banish the world of every
species of arachnid on the planet, I’d do it. I’m not even kidding man.

LEO: They’re not even that bad.

PETRA:
(Still running around LEO)
They are that bad, they are exceptionally that bad.

LEO: ‘Kay, well it’s gone now, so you can probably stop doing- (gesturing to her running) –that.

PETRA: Where is it?

LEO: The spider?

PETRA: No, the charming little puppy I’m trying to avoid. Yes, the spider!

LEO: I dunno.

PETRA: Well, find it!

LEO: How am I supposed to find it?

PETRA: Oh, I don’t know, with your eyes is a pretty good start.

LEO: Have you ever tried looking for a needle in a haystack? This could be comparable.

PETRA:
(Desperate)
Ohh, please find it!

LEO:
(Sighing)
Fuck, fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

LEO starts crawling around looking for the spider. PETRA

is still hopping around.
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LEO: Found it!

PETRA: Kill it!

LEO: You kill it!

PETRA: I’m not touching it!

LEO: Well I’m not killing it!

PETRA: Why?!

LEO: What did it do to me?

PETRA:
(Imitating LEO)
You can’t answer a question with another question!

LEO:
(Imitating PETRA)
I think I just did though. (He raises an eyebrow at her)

PETRA: PLEASE kill it! Or get rid of it, just do fuckin’ something!

LEO: Oh my God.

LEO rips a page out of Jane Eyre

PETRA: Not out of the book you douche!

LEO: It’s just one of those blank pages at the start! You want me to get rid of it or not?

LEO scoops up the spider and drops it off the edge of the stage.
PETRA stops and drops to her knees relieved and out of breath.
She starts to laugh hysterically. LEO watches, slightly confused, but
catches her laughter.

LEO:
(Laughing)
You’re hilarious! I’ve never seen anyone dance around like that over a spider.

PETRA’S laughter turns to tears. LEO is mortified.

LEO: What happened?

PETRA keeps crying.

LEO: Dude, are you okay?

PETRA shakes her head.

PETRA:
(Between sobs)
They’re so hideous, and- Their legs are so- Tightrope walkers can balance with two legs…

LEO laughs.
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PETRA: Well, don’t laugh at me.

LEO: I can’t help it; you open yourself up for it.

PETRA: I kinda do…

LEO: You whole-heartedly do.

PETRA: Don’t you have anything you’re afraid of?

LEO: Not anything that’s about an inch in diameter and harmless.

PETRA: So what are you afraid of?

LEO:
(Thinks for a moment)
Nothing, I don’t think aye.

PETRA: Bullshit.

LEO: Nah, really. I don’t get scared that easily TBH.

PETRA: Not monsters in the wardrobe that’ll eat you if the door is left open? Or the dark? Or what
might happen if you don’t wash your hands thirty-seven times in a row?

LEO: Nah.

PETRA: I don’t believe you. Everyone’s scared of something.

LEO: Okay, I’m kinda scared of dying. And the people I care about not knowing how much I care
about them. But everyone’s scared of that stuff.

PETRA: I’m not scared of dying.

LEO: So, everyone minus one then.

PETRA: Why are you scared of dying?

LEO shrugs

LEO: I guess it has something to do with the not knowing what happens to us once we die… And
the loneliness I suppose.

PETRA: Don’t you believe in Heaven and God and shit?

LEO: Well, yeah I do, but nothing’s a hundred percent proven is it? We’re sort of just riding on
blind faith that God has this super haven for us to chillax in.

PETRA: That’s the point though isn’t it, to have faith?

LEO: Yeah, it is, but I dunno if that’s enough for me. Not right now.

PETRA: It will be.

LEO: How do you know?

PETRA: I don’t, but you HAVE to die, that’s one hundred percent guaranteed, and eventually I’m sure
 P a g e | 14

you’ll come to some kind of peace with it. Either that or you’ll die terrified.

LEO: Lovely.

PETRA: It’s the straight up truth dude. Only sure things in life are death, taxes and wanking.

LEO nods in a moment of “true that.”

LEO: So what are you afraid of then, besides spiders?

PETRA: I’m petrified of my mum’s Aunt Melfred seeing me before she leaves Christmas dinner and
the smell of her denture cleaner soaking into my pores as she kisses me like a billion times.

LEO: That’s it?

PETRA:
(Sighing)
I don’t want to never be good enough.

LEO: Good enough at what?

PETRA: Everything. Life. Y’know? Like, there’s this country of four million people, and it’s like there’s
always someone better. Someone smarter, someone taller, someone with bigger boobs,
someone more talented, someone prettier… Do you get it?

LEO: Yeah, I get it. But you don’t have to be scared of things like that.

PETRA: I don’t ask to be.

LEO: Doesn’t it come down to what you were just saying about having faith?

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds. They ignore it.

PETRA: How so?

LEO: Well, it’s a matter of perspective don’t you think? What’s considered “smart” to one person,
isn’t what’s smart to another. You’re no paedophile, or murderer, or rapist, so I think you win
there. And as for the pretty thing… Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Have a bit of faith in
yourself Pet.

PETRA: What did you call me?

LEO: Pet?

PETRA: How do you know that?

LEO: Know what?

PETRA: My name.

LEO:
(Confused and bemused)
Oh uhhh um…

PETRA: Crap! Are you a creep? You’re a creep aren’t you? Crap! That is so my luck!

LEO: I’m not a creep!

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PETRA: Then how did you know my name?!

LEO: I don’t know!

PETRA:
(Shuddering with disgust)
You ARE a creep! That’s so weird! Why would you do that? I have to go. Right now.

LEO: No, c’mon…

PETRA EXITS

LEO:
(Yelling after her)
I’m not a creep!
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SCENE 5
MR. DONAHUE ENTERS from behind LEO, carrying a briefcase.

DONAHUE: Alright, shall we get this show on the road?

LEO gets a fright and turns to MR. DONAHUE

LEO: On the road… Aye! Like what you did there!!

DONAHUE doesn’t get it.

LEO: ‘Cause we’re on the road… and the show is about to get on it… Never mind.

DONAHUE: You’ll need to get some better jokes if you work for me boy.

LEO: Oh, uh, of course Mr Donahue. Sorry, Phillip.

DONAHUE: I did a bit of asking around about you Leo, I like what I’m hearing. Committed, dedicated,
hardworking, up for a challenge… People are raving about Leonard Miller.

LEO: Really? What people?

DONAHUE: Why don’t I just ask the questions, you answer them and leave the rest to fate aye?

LEO: Uh okay. I’m not exactly what you would call prepared for thi-

DONAHUE: On their toes is how we like our staff Leonard! Nothing wrong with little wee surprise’s eh?

LEO:
(Mumbling)
No nothing wrong with that…

DONAHUE: Then let’s do it! Why don’t you start by telling me your story.

LEO: Well, it’s really less of a story than it is a… Haiku… I moved here from Hamilton when I was 17
to pursue music, and I’ve been doing it ever since. Trying to pursue music that is.

DONAHUE: And why has it taken you this long to approach someone? Why have you been wasting your
time playing on Queen Street?

LEO: Oh, well I actually did approach your company not long after I moved here, but your
secretary told me to come back never. I wasn’t the sort of kid you’ve be interested in.

DONAHUE: Did she just? Seems likely. We prefer our boys to be men Leo, if you know what I mean.

He doesn’t.

LEO: Yeah, of course. Naturally.

DONAHUE:
(Checking a list)
Right. Now, do you smoke?

LEO: Is that frowned upon?

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DONAHUE: As a general rule, yes. It won’t completely put you out of the running, but a good set of lungs
doesn’t hurt. Never know when you might need to… hold your breath…

LEO is confused.

DONAHUE: Or hit a long note!

LEO: Right! Well, I don’t smoke, so you’ll be happy with that.

DONAHUE: I am pleased to hear it!

DONAHUE: Do you drink?

LEO:
(Chuckles as if he’s just made a hilarious joke.)
Only during the day every day!

DONAHUE: Better jokes boy. Better jokes. It won’t hurt you to have a whisky or two a day. Sharpens your
senses my father used to say.

LEO: Hah! Sounds like my kind of man!

DONAHUE:
(Eyes brightening)
Is that right?

LEO: Uh… yes?

DONAHUE: I like you more and more boy.

LEO: Do I have the job?!

DONAHUE:
(Looks up)
I just have a few more questions for you. Are you available after hours?

LEO: Well, I play gigs here and there, so there’ll be some times I can’t make it, but for the most
part I’m as free as a bird.

DONAHUE: Good, good.

DONAHUE: Do you have references on you there Leo?

LEO: Not really no, I had no idea I’d be interviewing today, so I’m not prepared at all.

DONAHUE: That’s a shame. Though, we could do a little screen test so to speak. So that shouldn’t be too
much of a problem.

LEO: Sorry. I can get you my CV and some references after this if you want?

DONAHUE: I’m sure that won’t be necessary. As long as you’re wholly committed to the tasks at hand. I
had a young man who worked for me a couple of years ago. Very smart, very talented, very
good looking etcetera, etcetera. He was going somewhere Leo, let me tell you that. BUT,
when one stops being good at one’s job, one’s employer has to reconsider his stand on one’s
“position”.
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LEO:
(Almost scared to ask)
What do you mean by “position”?

DONAHUE: The status and conditions of employment.

LEO: Right…

DONAHUE: I only have a question or two more, I get sidetracked so easily… (Looking LEO over.) And then
we can get stuck into the screening process, then you’re as good as hired!

LEO: That’s fantastic! Way easier than I imagined!

DONAHUE: What had you imagined?

LEO: I’m not really sure. I guess I had anticipated meetings with executives and whatnot.

DONAHUE: Hah! Not at all boyo. I’m the boss and what I say goes. Right, shall we get started and see
what you can do then aye?

LEO: Alrighty!

DONAHUE takes a pen from his pocket and drops it on the ground.
LEO rushes to assist and pick it up. He hands the pen to DONAHUE.

DONAHUE: Why thank you. While you’re down there…

He starts to undo his belt and pants.

LEO: Ohh… What?

DONAHUE: Get started.

LEO: Get what started?

DONAHUE: Don’t play around with me boyo. Not only is it frustrating, but it’s wasting my time.

LEO contemplates this.

LEO: Um…

DONAHUE: If I approve of your skills.

LEO shuffles on his knees, turns his back to the audience.

 P a g e | 19

SCENE 6
MRS. MILLER ENTERS, rushing to throw her arms around LEO.

MRS. MILLER: Darling!

LEO jumps to his feet. DONAHUE EXITS quickly.

LEO:
(Shocked)
Mum?! I didn’t know you were coming up!

MRS. MILLER: Neither did I! I was just at The Warehouse and saw the bus for Auckland parked and went
into the bus station just to be nosey, then the next thing I know, I’m on a bloody bus to here.
Talk about spontaneous. What’ve you been doing?

LEO: Oh, well I just had a job interview actually.

MRS. MILLER: It’s nice to see you’re taking some initiative finally Leonard.

LEO: I don’t know if the job’ll end up working out, but we’ll see. Anyway, what are you doing
here? You’re like the least spontaneous person I know.

MRS. MILLER: I know, crazy isn’t it?

LEO: Why did you come up?

MRS. MILLER: It’s so out of character for me, you know that, and ever since you and your sister left home,
the only person I see every day is your father. And don’t get me wrong, I love him more than
life itself, but it’s monotonous, y’know?

LEO: Is everything okay?

MRS. MILLER: Oh, your father’s driving me up the bloody wall, buying every new piece of decorative lawn
art for the new yard. So I suppose I came up for a change of company, a change of scenery.
Oh you do have to come down and see it soon! Your father’s so proud! But, yes. Everything’s
okay, nothing to worry about. Although I have discovered that Hamilton isn’t actually where
it’s happening. So I thought I would come and see my boy! Now let me look at you! (She
examines him.) Haven’t been eating properly, you’ve lost far too much weight! In need of a
new pair of pants. Where are your shoes?

LEO:
(Confused)
I dunno, I was wearing shoes this morning…

MRS. MILLER: …So you have shoes?

LEO: Yes.

MRS. MILLER: Darling, you really should wear them you know.

LEO: I was wearing them Mum.

MRS. MILLER: Where are they now then?

LEO: I’m not sure exactly…

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MRS. MILLER: What sort of “someone” wanders around the place with no shoes on?

LEO: I’m someone!!

MRS. MILLER: I know you are darling! But anyone who meets you today won’t know that! Wandering about
with no shoes on… I’m sure I raised you better than that.

LEO: What?!

MRS. MILLER: What do you mean “what?” You can hear me can’t you?

LEO: Mum, just because I’m not wearing shoes, doesn’t mean I’m any less of a person. Besides, I
had shoes this morning. I told you that already.

MRS. MILLER: Well, I don’t see any shoes now. Don’t think you can pull the wool over my eyes Leonard
Miller. You’re a carbon copy of your bloody father. I know! There’s a shoe sale on at the
Number One Shoe Warehouse this week. Why don’t we go in there and we’ll pick up three
for the price of two? I’ll get your dad a new pair of slippers, myself a new pair of trainers for
the walking group and we’ll throw something on the top there for you. Maybe that’s what
you’re missing. A nice, new, motivating pair of shoes!

LEO: Mum! I don’t need new shoes!

MRS. MILLER: Looks like you do to me.

LEO:
(Sighing)
Okay Mum. Let’s go get some new shoes.

MRS. MILLER: Alright! Are you hungry? What am I saying? Of course you’re hungry. You’re always hungry.
I’m a tad peckish myself, what’s good around here?

LEO: Uh-

MRS. MILLER: Hold that thought love! I think I’ve left my bloody purse on the bus! Oh Christ! I have! I’ve
left it on the bloody bus! I’m going to have to run back and have a look for it. I’ll meet you
back here soon darling!

Running, she EXITS.

 P a g e | 21

SCENE 7
PETRA ENTERS

PETRA: I’ve had an idea. I want my book back, you don’t want to give it back. I’ll pea-knuckle war you
for it.

LEO: And you’re over your tanty over knowing your name?

PETRA: Oh no, that’s still completely creepy and once I have my book, I am outta here; but it’s not a
good enough reason to give up on getting it back without a fight.

LEO: So pea-knuckle war you say?

PETRA: Go on. It’s the only fair way to decide.

LEO: Fair?

PETRA: That’s what I said.

LEO: You’re aware that you’ll probably lose? I don’t know if I’d call that fair.

PETRA: I have just as much chance as winning as you!

LEO laughs.

PETRA: What?

LEO: I’m pretty sure, not completely, but pretty sure that I’ll win. It’s genetically determined that I
win.

PETRA: Huh?

LEO: I’m a man. Men are stronger than women…

PETRA: I have just as much chance as you at winning!

LEO: And what makes you say that?

PETRA: It’s a thumb war. Thumbs are pretty evenly strengthed.

LEO: Well, we’ll see won’t we?

PETRA: You’re gonna be laughing with the other side of your face soon.

LEO: What does that even mean?

PETRA: It means get ready to eat your words mother fucker.

LEO: Yeah well no offence, but I’m hardly intimidated by a woman

PETRA: Oh, he’s sexist too! What a charmer!

LEO:
(Laughing)
No, just realistic.
 P a g e | 22

They join hands and ensue into a pea-knuckle war

BOTH: One, two, three, four, I declare a pea-knuckle war!

They battle for a little quite mildly before, a yell from a female
offstage is heard

FEMALE OFFSTAGE:
CAR!!! GET OFF THE ROAD!!!!

PETRA very quickly shoves LEO and they end up on the ground
with PETRA on top of LEO. He is breathing very hard in shock and
PETRA is surprised and triumphant as we see she has captured his
thumb.

PETRA: Pea-knuckle pea-knuckle, one, two three!! Ah ha!

She runs around the intersection with her hands in the air.

LEO: Puh-lease! You know you only one cause WE NEARLY GOT HIT BY A CAR! Therefore, I mean
really, would you have won otherwise?

PETRA: I still won! A win’s a win butt munch!

LEO: Yeah, well I’m still not giving it back.

PETRA: What?!

LEO: You heard me.

PETRA: But you said if we pea-knuckle warred you’d give it back.

LEO: No I didn’t. I agreed to a pea-knuckle war, but I never said I’d give your book back if you won.

PETRA: But that was the whole point of it!

LEO: Piece of advice: don’t go into business any time soon.

PETRA:
(Fuming)
You’re a… I can’t believe how much of a… You’re a complete-

LEO:
(Cheekily)
A what now?

PETRA: Scoundrel!!

LEO: Ooh, ouch!

PETRA: You’re a pathetic excuse for a human being!

LEO: Oh I am not.

PETRA: You are!

 P a g e | 23

LEO:
(Interrupting)
Careful there. Let’s not get carried away.

PETRA: Never in my life have I met someone whose existence is so insignificant!

LEO: Now, that’s no way to speak to someone you just met, is it?

PETRA mutters to herself. PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds.

LEO: Why don’t you go away and think about what you’ve done and come back when you have
something nice to say.

PETRA: I can’t believe you.

LEO: Believe me. I’m the real deal.

PETRA: Ugh!

PETRA EXITS
 P a g e | 24

SCENE 8
MAREE ENTERS with a cigarette.

MAREE: Hey honey.

LEO: Hi there…

MAREE:
(Sidling up to LEO)
Fancy a quick one for forty bucks?

LEO:
(Awkwardly)
Uh, no thanks. I’m not buying today. Sorry.

MAREE walks away

LEO:
(Collecting all the coins from his guitar case)
Wait. Here. (Holding out the coins.) Take this and we’ll skip the “quick one”.

MAREE: I don’t want your charity.

LEO: It’s not charity.

MAREE: What would you call it then?

LEO:
(Thinks for a moment)
An act of kindness?

MAREE: Why?

LEO: Why not?

MAREE: You don’t just hand money to strange hookers on Queen Street mate.

LEO: I do.

MAREE: I’d have heard about you if you did.

LEO: Look, I’m doing a good thing, you don’t have to take it, ‘cause I could go buy a deluxe
cheeseburger…

He waves the money a little. MAREE approaches shyly and takes it.

MAREE: You’re really someone. The world could do with a few more people like you. I’m Maree.

She holds out her hand, they shake hands.

LEO: I’m Leonard, Leo.

MAREE: It’s nice to meet you Leonard Leo.

MAREE stares for a beat then EXITS. LEO’S phone rings in his
 P a g e | 25

pocket. He answers it.

LEO:
(On the phone)
Hey Babe. – Um, yeah steak sounds good, you should marinade it with that stuff you used
the last time. – Oh, not the biggest fan of cajun aye. – Yeah mean, and those little brocollis. –
Brocolini that’s the one. – What are you doing right now? – You should come buy me lunch. –
Well, I did have… then I gave it to a-someone. – Oh just this chick I met. – No! I wasn’t flirting
with her! Would I be telling you about it if I had been flirting with her? – Of course I
wouldn’t! She just needed it more than me. Just come bring some lunch and I’ll tell you
about it. – ‘Kay, see you soon. Love you.

He hangs up.
 P a g e | 26

SCENE 9
PETRA ENTERS. She ignores LEO and stands to the side, waiting for a bus.

LEO:
(Pleased to see her)
I think you’re supposed to wait for the green man.

PETRA: So sue me.

LEO: You can’t sue in this country.

PETRA: Lucky me.

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds, PETRA gives LEO a smug look.

LEO: What’s wrong?

PETRA: Nothing. I’m waiting for a bus.

LEO: You’re not usually this talkative! Whoa! Stop talking so much! I’m getting a headache!

PETRA: I have nothing to say.

LEO: Oh, I don’t believe that. Want me to give you some inspiration? I could say something racist
if you like?

PETRA: Actually, I’d rather you said nothing at all.

LEO: Oh don’t be silly! Here! I’ll read to you!

He rushes to get Jane Eyre.

PETRA: From my book? (Sarcastically) Great, that won’t piss me off at all.

LEO: Mmm, you’re quite easy to piss off aren’t you? Or is just… that time of the month?

PETRA pulls the finger at him. He searches through the book. And
clears his throat.

LEO:
(Reading)
“A wanderer's repose or a sinner's reformation should never depend on a fellow-creature.
Men and women die; philosophers falter in their wisdom, and Christians in goodness: if any
one you know has suffered and erred, let him look higher than his equals for strength to
amend, and solace to heal.” Look for the strength to amend Pet, look for the strength to
amend.

PETRA: Will you look at that! Here’s the bus! No time to amend, sorry about that one.

LEO: Do you want a ride? My car’s parked just up the street.

PETRA: No thanks. (Under her breath) Fuckin’ creep.

LEO: Seriously? You’re just gonna get on the bus and be all cold and malignant?
 P a g e | 27

PETRA: Yip.

PETRA puts her arm up to signal the bus driver. LEO waves it on.
They watch as the bus passes, PETRA silently fumes. The silence is
loaded.

LEO:
(After a while)
So, say something.

PETRA stays silent.

LEO: Hellooo?

Silence

LEO: Hey! Deafo! Over here!

PETRA: Don’t talk to me. Don’t you fuckin’ say one word! I have to be at work in half an hour and you
just made me miss the bus. So, ill be here, waiting for the next one, and you’ll be over there,
staying the hell away from me!

LEO: Goodness… At least you said something.

PETRA ignores him. LEO EXITS.

PETRA: Thank God. (She takes out a cellphone) Hi Paul, it’s Petra. Can you put me through to Jackie
please? Thanks. (She waits.) Hi Jackie, it’s Petra, hey I’m on Queen Street, the bus just took
off without me, so I’m gonna be a little bit late. I’m here waiting for the next one though, so
I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’m really sorry! Thanks Jackie, see you soon. (She hangs up.)

LEO ENTERS carrying two chairs and a steering wheel to represent

his car. He sets them down next to each other, and sits in the
drivers seat. He honks the horn at PETRA and beckons her over.
She turns her back and ignores him. He mimes manually winding
down the window and yells at her.

LEO: I’m sorry I made you late! Come on. I’ll give you a ride.

PETRA ignores him. LEO jumps out of the car and goes to her.

LEO: Let me give you a ride to work, where are you going?

PETRA: I don’t want you to give me a ride to work! Please, just leave me alone. You’ve already ruined
my day. Isn’t that enough?

LEO: Ruined your whole day? I didn’t mean to. Honestly.

PETRA ignores him.

LEO: You can take my car if you want?

PETRA looks at him.

PETRA: You’d just give me your whole car?

LEO: Well, not give it, but you could borrow it.
 P a g e | 28

PETRA: What if I wreck it?

LEO: Then that’ll be my bad for making you late for work in the first place.

PETRA: I’m not ready to forgive you yet.

LEO: Go on, just take it.

PETRA mumbles something.

LEO: Huh?

PETRA: I can’t drive! But thanks.

LEO: You can’t drive?! Who can’t drive in this day and age?

PETRA: Me.

LEO: Ohh yuss! I’ll teach you!

PETRA: Oh, no thanks.

LEO takes her arm and drags her to the car.

LEO: No come on, it’s easy.

PETRA: No I really don’t want to.

LEO opens the driver’s door and pushes her in.

LEO: Please? It’s my way of making it up to you.

PETRA reluctantly fastens her seatbelt. LEO runs around the other
side and gets in the passenger seat and fastens his seat belt.

LEO: Petra, meet Oscar. Oscar this is Petra.

PETRA: Oscar?

LEO: That’s what I named him. After the grouch.

PETRA is blank

LEO: Y’know, from Sesame Street.

PETRA: Right…

LEO: Some people have no appreciation. Okay, first check you mirrors. Make sure they’re all right
and that you can see out of them.

PETRA adjusts the mirrors.

LEO: Now, start the car and put your foot on the brake.

PETRA: Which ones the brake?

 P a g e | 29

LEO: Are you serious?

PETRA smirks at him. He makes a face back.

LEO: Indicate.

She does.

LEO: Check for traffic.

She does.

LEO: Now take your foot off the brake and ease your foot onto the accelerator.

She does.

LEO: That’s it, nice and easy. You’re doing it! See not so bad is it?

PETRA: I’m trying to concentrate and you’re babbling unnecessarily.

LEO: Okay, now slow down for the intersection, watch out for that bus turning. (He waits.) Slow
down for the bus turning… SLOW DOWN FOR THE BUS TURNING!!

PETRA slams on the brakes, they lurch forward in their seats.

PETRA: You’re freaking me out! I can’t do this!

LEO:
(Urgently)
Well you have to do this until we get out of the traffic, you can’t just sit here in the middle of
the road.

Blaring car horns

PETRA: I don’t want to drive anymore.

LEO: You have to! Cars are beeping at you!

PETRA: I can’t!

LEO: Yes you can. Petra, you can at least turn around and find a park. Just take your foot off the
brake, ease it onto the accelerator, do a u-turn and pull over!

PETRA takes off and pulls over soon after. She starts laughing
hysterically. LEO watches.

LEO: You’re going to cry again aren’t you?

PETRA nods, still laughing. LEO undoes both their seatbelts and
puts his hand on her shoulder. PETRA then starts to cry and leans
into LEO. He hugs her. Her display is both ridiculous and amusing.
After a while she composes herself and they get out of the car.
They are silent for a moment.

PETRA: Sorry for nearly crashing your car. And for crying on you.
 P a g e | 30

LEO: Oh, it’s fine, I was planning on crying on myself at some point anyway. You really saved me
the hassle.

PETRA smiles

PETRA: So, you’re proposing to someone soon?

LEO: Hadn’t planned on it, why?

PETRA: Oh, well there’s a ring in your pocket and I just assumed.

LEO: No there isn’t.

PETRA: There is. I felt it, just before in the car.

LEO pats his pockets until he finds the ring box. He pulls it out and
opens it. They both gaze at it for a while.

PETRA: It’s pretty.

LEO: It’s not mine.

PETRA: So it’s not just books you steal then?

LEO: I didn’t steal it!

PETRA: Then where did you get it?

LEO: I don’t know!

PETRA: Well it didn’t grow legs and jump into your pocket itself.

LEO: How do you know?

PETRA raises an eyebrow at LEO

LEO: Maybe someone put it in there. Maybe it was you! Did you put it in there?

PETRA: Why would I put it in there?

LEO: Because you want me to propose?

PETRA: To me?

LEO: Maybe.

PETRA: Maybe Jilly left it there.

LEO: Now who’s the creep?!

PETRA:
(Offended)
Why?!

LEO: Who’s Jilly?

PETRA: Jilly is… (Realises she actually doesn’t know who JILLY is)
 P a g e | 31

LEO: Hah!

PETRA: I think we’re dreaming.

LEO: We’re not dreaming.

PETRA:
(Unbelieving)
Are you sure?

LEO: Yes I’m sure!

PETRA: Okay, okay calm down, it’s not a big deal.

LEO: It’s a big deal now I have someone’s expensive ring in my pocket.

PETRA: Well maybe now’s a good time to propose then. Maybe it’s a sign.

LEO: Yeah maybe…

PETRA: She’s truly lucky!

LEO: Why does it seem like you care too much?

PETRA stares at LEO

LEO: Honesty is the only way…

PETRA:
(Fumbling slightly)
I don’t care. No, I care… I just don’t care. I was just ask-

LEO’S phone rings. He checks the caller ID

LEO: I have to get this. Can you wait? Please?

PETRA doesn’t respond

LEO: Please wait.

He turns his back to answer the phone, while his back is turned
PETRA collects the chairs and steering wheel and EXITS.

LEO:
(On the phone)
Mr. Donahue, hi. Look, I’ve had a chance to think over your offer, and I don’t think I’m really
what you’re looking for. I’m sorry to have wasted your time.

He turns back to find PETRA gone. He gazes at the ring for a

moment. He puts it into the guitar case and picks up Jane Eyre
again.
 P a g e | 32

SCENE 10
Still in the intersection. LEO’S best friend ENTERS.

LEO:
(Reading aloud to himself)
“It is in vain to say human beings ought to be satisfied with tranquility; they must have
action; and they will make it if they cannot find it.”

BEN ENTERS eating out of a bag of Doritos’s.

BEN:
(Unimpressed)
What are you reading?

LEO:
(Chucking the book in his guitar case)
Oh nothing, just… a book bro.

BEN: I told you bro, reading lady novels doesn’t make you sensitive, it makes you gay.

LEO: What’s a “lady novel”?

BEN retrieves the dropped book and flips through it.

BEN:
(Reading, bored and unenthused)
“gratitude and many associates all pleasurable…” Blah, blah, blah… His face was the object I
most wanted to see… His presence in a room… Blah, blah, blah… Oh here! (Morbidly
theatrical) “His presence in a room was more cheering than the brightest fire.” (He raises an
eyebrow at LEO and holds the book up.) This… is a lady novel.

BEN turns his back to the audience and wraps his arms around
himself, crudely imitating two people mauling each other, making
obscene kissing noises.

LEO: It’s a classic.

BEN: ‘The Godfather’ is a classic bro. So are ‘The Da Vinci Code’ and ‘Harry Potter’. This ‘Jane
Eeyore’ is a lady novel. It’s what women read when they’re- (He puts his hand between his
legs and crudely mimes a woman masturbating) -alone in their beds dreaming of better days
and a skilled man to wake them from their sexual slumber.

LEO: And who finished ‘The Notebook’ in less than a day,- (starts crudely miming a guy
masturbating) –excusing himself often to… “cry”.

BEN: You would’ve cried too man! You. Would. Have. Cried. Too.

LEO: Yeah, maybe. (A beat) If I were a girl! Or gay.

BEN: Low blow, bro.

LEO shrugs. BEN tackles him to the ground.

LEO:
 P a g e | 33

(Gasping)
No, here’s not a good place for this!

BEN: Fine, let’s arm wrestle. (To the audience) I need to display a sudden outburst of masculinity!

LEO: Bro…

BEN: I’m serious man.

BEN gets on his stomach on the ground and holds his arm out
ready

LEO: I’m not gonna arm wrestle you bro.

BEN: Go on.

LEO: No Ben, get up.

BEN: Why not? Scared you’re gonna lose?

LEO looks into the audience and raises an eyebrow. In that

moment he accepts the challenge.

LEO:
(To BEN confidently)
Okay then.

LEO gets to the ground and takes BEN’S arm.

BEN: Okay, on the count of three, ready?

LEO: Yeah-

BOTH: One, two, three, go!

They battle for a bit, it is close. LEO wins.

LEO: Yuss!

BEN:
(Disappointed)
Ohh! Best of three then!

LEO: That’s shit bro, I won!

BEN: No! Best of three, if you think you’re so great.

LEO:
(Smirking)
Okay then!

They go at it for a bit longer this time. It is close again, BEN wins.

BEN: Yeyah! You’re not such hot shit now are you Leonard?

LEO: Still got one more to win, mate.

 P a g e | 34

BEN: Bring it.

They take each other’s hands again

BOTH: One, two, three, go!

They arm wrestle for a while this time. The fight is close. They are
both straining.

LEO: Give up man; you know I’m going to win.

BEN: You give up! You’re just trying to make me wuss out because you’re about to wuss out.

LEO: I’m not about to wuss out. I’m fine. I could do this all day. Feels like little butterfly wings
fluttering against my biceps.

BEN: Fuck up man; stop trying to put me off!

LEO: I’m not trying to put you off bro.

BEN: You are! Your little words and your distracting…

LEO:
(Still straining)
What about a tie?

BEN:
(Also straining)
What do you mean a tie?

LEO: Y’know… A tie-

BEN: I know what a fuckin’ tie is bro.

LEO: -Like we both win.

BEN: Or we both lose.

LEO: We both relax the strain at the same time. No one wins, no one loses.

BEN: No way!

LEO: C’mon man, we’ll be lying here all day otherwise. Neither of us is going to give in.

BEN: Never!

LEO: Seriously man! Come on!

BEN: No, ‘cause as soon as I relax, you’ll take me down and then you win!

LEO: No, I won’t I promise.

BEN: You have before…

LEO: I won’t this time I swear.

BEN: Why should I believe you?

 P a g e | 35

LEO:
(Aching)
Ben!

BEN: Say you’re sorry for calling me gay.

LEO: What?

BEN:
(Warningly)
We can keep going…

LEO:
(Fast)
I’m sorry I called you gay!

BEN: Okay…

LEO: On three, we both relax. One, two, three.

They both relax on three, groaning and nursing their aching arms.

LEO:
(Putting his hand out)
I’m sorry. Neither of us is gay.

(They do a handshake, and both groan from pain afterwards. BEN

picks up the Doritos and continues to eat them.)

BEN:
(Offering the bag to LEO)
Some?

LEO takes a handful

LEO: Look who fell victim to capitalism.

BEN: Bullshit, I fell victim to the munchies.

LEO:
(Mocking BEN)
“I’ll never eat Doritos. Why do we even need Doritos? What’s the difference between these
supposedly ultra flavoured corn chips and the corn chips already manufactured in New
Zealand? Those American, capitalist motherfuckers come over here and buy out our
brands…” What happened to (puts on the cheesy Mexican accent) ‘only ceecees are tasting
like these!’?

BEN: They got bought out and now no longer exist, thus the need for… new alternatives. And since
this bag of alternatives didn’t come out of my pocket… I’m happy to indulge. (Shrugs) Hate
me for it.

LEO:
(Chuckling)
Ah, I love you for it bro.

LEO gestures for more chips. BEN gives him the bag and takes a
 P a g e | 36

small joint from his pocket and lights it.

BEN: Mean feed, and cigo’weed!

BEN drags and passes it to LEO

LEO: I feel oddly okay about this.

BEN: Blazing right here?

LEO: Yeah.

BEN: Same actually, weird…

LEO: Yeah, weird…

A beat

BEN:
(Stoned)
So… I decided that if the… opportunity to start… a revolution came about… I’d take it.

LEO: What kind of revolution?

BEN: Ohh, y’know… I’m thinking something small. A few drinks over anarchy. The peasants will all
get together and… revolt… against… something. Or someone! Like the government, or the
treaty, or politics… a race of people maybe.

LEO:
(Becoming convinced)
Ohh yeah… What race of people?

BEN: Well I was kind of thinking we could discriminate against- (Whispers) –the fatties.

LEO:
(Whispering also)
The what?

BEN:
(A tiny bit louder, but with his hand shielding his mouth)
The fatties.

LEO:
(Normal volume)
The fatties?

BEN shushes him, LEO butts in over top

BEN:
(Whisper yelling and checking around for eavesdroppers)
Shhhh! Shush! What is wrong with you? Yes!

LEO: The fat people.

BEN:
(Still whisper yelling)
Yes!
 P a g e | 37

LEO: Stop whispering now.

BEN: Imagine how bad we’d feel if someone heard us!

LEO:
(Correcting him)
If someone heard you.

BEN: No one can know I said that.

LEO: But you’re thinking it.

BEN: Yeah, but they don’t know that. And they don’t need to know that. They already know
they’re fat. They don’t need me sticking my skinny oar in. It’d be like handing the mirror to
your Asian next door neighbour and being like “Hi. Hi there. Um, not sure if you’re aware,
but you’re Asian!” It’s just a bit obvious isn’t it? No one likes someone who states the
obvious.

LEO: Or someone who calls them fat.

BEN: Exactly.

LEO: You’re still thinking it.

BEN: You’re right.

BEN digs his hand into the bag of Dorito’s and pulls out a few chips
and passes the bag to LEO who does the same.

LEO: Ah well. (Claps BEN on the back) Happens to the best of us bro. We would know; we’re the
best of us!

BEN: Cheers to that.

They cheers chips.

LEO: So, can there be some we don’t cull?

BEN: Fatties?

LEO: Yeah.

BEN: I haven’t fully decided that we cull them. Why?

LEO: Oh, you know, there might be some hot ones that we can save.

BEN: Hot fat people?

LEO: Yeah, like Rayleen Foster who worked at the baby shop across the road from Cash
Converters.

BEN is blank

LEO: She can be pretty-ish, when she does herself up. For a… really big person…

BEN:
 P a g e | 38

(Correcting him)
For a hippo.

JILLY ENTERS carrying a pair of male shoes for LEO. She goes
straight to LEO, sets the shoes down beside him and takes his arm,
encouraging him to stand. They kiss. She looks at BEN disdainfully.

JILLY: Ben.

BEN: Jillian.

JILLY: What brings you to this part of town?

BEN:
(Slowly)
You mean the town part of town?

JILLY:
(Dizzily)
I don’t get it…

BEN:
(Rolling his eyes)
Really?

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds, BEN and LEO do their handshake.

LEO: Catch you later bro.

JILLY:
(As BEN walks passed her to leave)
Yeah, catch you later bro.

BEN: Whatever.

BEN EXITS
 P a g e | 39

SCENE 11
JILLY: What’s his problem?

LEO: I wish you would be all good with him.

JILLY: I’d be all good with him if he were all good with me.

LEO:
(Rubs his forehead, he’s obviously had this argument before)
Okay…

JILLY: What’s wrong Baby?

LEO: I just hate that you guys don’t get along. You’re really important to me-

JILLY: Aww, you’re really important to me too.

LEO: I don’t think you realise though, that Ben’s really important to me too.

JILLY: More important than me?

LEO: No. Well… It’s not really like that, it’s different kinds of important. I need him Babe.

JILLY: But you don’t need me?

LEO: No, you’re not listening to me babe. Neither of you are more important, but you keep hating
on each other and it’s almost like if you hate him enough, eventually one of you will
disappear.

JILLY: That’s not how it is.

LEO: Then how is it?

JILLY: I don’t know. He just grates on my last nerve. And he’s an idiot. He has stupid ideas, and the
time you spend with him, you could be spending with me. I shouldn’t have to fight so hard
for your attention.

LEO: You only fight with yourself.

JILLY: You would say that.

LEO: You do though. Ben’s my best mate, you have to stop comparing yourself to him.

JILLY: I thought I was your best friend.

LEO: Uh…

JILLY: Or shouldn’t I be? Don’t you become best friends with the person that you’re committed to?

LEO: Well, yeah-

JILLY: I know I can’t funnel seven beers, or burp the alphabet, and I’m not that much fun in the car
for long periods of time, but shouldn’t we be best friends?

LEO: We are. Just not in the same way me and Ben are. You have completely different places, no
 P a g e | 40

one should feel like they lose here.

JILLY: I can’t make myself like him, or make him like me, but if it really means that much to you, I’ll
make an effort.

LEO: Promise?

LEO puts his pinky out for a pinky promise, JILLY accepts

JILLY: Promise. Say hi to him for me the next time you see him.

LEO pulls JILLY close

LEO: Really?

JILLY: Yeah really.

They kiss.

JILLY: So, have you ever thought it might be nice if I were more than your girlfriend?

LEO: Didn’t we just cover this?

JILLY: No, I mean…You love me right?

LEO: Yeah, I love you.

JILLY: And I love you too. Like so much.

LEO: Well that’s good.

JILLY: So, we love each other and we’ve been together for a while…

LEO:
(Catching on)
Ohh…

JILLY gets down on one knee. LEO is shocked and pulls her to her
feet

LEO: What are you doing?

JILLY: I’m trying to-

LEO:
(Interrupting)
I think I know what you’re trying to do. And I think you shouldn’t be trying to do that.

JILLY: But you just said you love me.

LEO: I do!

JILLY
(Giggles)
Aww! You do!

LEO: It’s just that… that’s the man’s job.

 P a g e | 41

st
JILLY: It’s the 21 century Leo.

LEO: I know, but… I just always thought I’d be the one to do it, by default.

JILLY: So you’ve thought about it?

LEO: I guess so…

JILLY squeals. LEO is silent.

JILLY: Well?

LEO: Well?

JILLY: Are you going to do it?

LEO: Do… Oh! Uh, maybe, but I can’t do it right now.

JILLY: Oh. Why?

LEO:
(Thinking)
I just haven’t thought it out properly. It wouldn’t be right to do it now.

JILLY:
(Disappointed)
Oh.

LEO: Do you really want me to right now, on the spot, with no real thought put into it, just
because you asked me to?

JILLY: I suppose not. But you have a ring in your pocket. Why would you have a ring if you weren’t
planning on giving it to someone?

LEO: I don’t have a ring in my pocket!

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds. JILLY leads LEO off to the side where
they get busy. PETRA ENTERS sneaking. She creeps to the guitar
case and retrieves her book. She is close to exiting when the
PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds. LEO catches her. LEO goes to her.

LEO: Oi!

PETRA: Oh, don’t mind me. As you were!

She turns to exit the other way.

LEO: What do you think you’re doing?

PETRA: I think it’s what they call taking back what’s mine!

LEO: Oh no you don’t!

PETRA: Oh yes I do!

LEO: It doesn’t work like that.

 P a g e | 42

PETRA: Then tell me, how does it work exactly?

LEO: It doesn’t work anyway. That was in MY guitar case, with MY name on it.

PETRA: You wouldn’t steal a car. And you wouldn’t steal a handbag.

LEO: How do you know? I’d download a pirated movie…

PETRA:
(Sarcastically)
And that’s the same thing. If it were more than just a book I could have you arrested.

LEO: Oh please have me arrested! I can’t wait to hear what the charges are! Possession of a stolen
book? Grand theft literature? Hah!

He laughs at his own joke.

JILLY: Have him arrested and I’ll have you beaten to a pulp.

PETRA: Who are you? I’m shivering with fear and anticipation.

JILLY: I’m Jillian Margaret Louise-Ellen Ford. Leo’s fiance.

PETRA:
(To LEO)
Fiance aye? Nice. (Sarcastically) Lucky you!

LEO: We’re not-

JILLY:
(Interrupting)
The finer details are yet to be confirmed, but I don’t really see how it’s any of your concern.
(Shoos PETRA with her hands) Run along now. (To LEO) Now, where were we?

PETRA goes to exit with her book.

LEO: Give me Jane Eyre back! I’m not done with her yet!

PETRA: No, but I’m pretty sure she’s done with you.

LEO runs to grab the book. PETRA runs away and trips over the
shoes that JILLY set down. She picks them up.

JILLY: Hey! Those are mine! Leave them alone! Get a job!

PETRA: Well, unless you’re hiding some junk in that trunk, I’d be inclined to think you’re lying.
Finders keepers sweetheart.

JILLY: Excuse me? Just because they’re sitting there unattended, doesn’t mean they’re fair game!
They belong to me.

PETRA: Prove it.

JILLY: I don’t have to prove it!

PETRA: You do if you want to take them from me.

 P a g e | 43

JILLY:
(Looking at LEO)
Can you believe this woman?

PETRA:
(Condescending)
Okay, fine. (Holds one shoe out.) How about you have one, and I’ll have one. How’s that?

JILLY: What am I supposed to do with one shoe?

PETRA: Drink out of it?

LEO laughs; JILLY shoots him an angry glare, then proceeds to try
taking the shoes from PETRA. A tug of war ensues.

LEO: They’re mine.

They both turn to look at LEO, still gripping the shoe.

LEO:
(To JILLY)
Aren’t they?

JILLY smiles smugly and nods.

PETRA: Oh.

She lets go of the shoe.

JILLY: Oh? One word from… You’re sweet on my boyfriend aren’t you?

PETRA: Ew, no.

JILLY: Fuckin’ bullshit.

All are silent. PETRA drops her shoe and turns to leave, leaving LEO
to the mess.

JILLY: So why take the shoes in the first place if you’re not even going to wear them?!

PETRA
(To LEO)
I’m not really sure. I kinda like the shiny bits on the side. Maybe I could use them as disco
balls.

PETRA starts bopping in JILLY’S face and humming the tune of a

techno song.

LEO: Just let it go babe. It’s not worth it.

PETRA:
(Still bopping)
Yeah just let it go babe.

JILLY: Don’t you fuckin’ talk to me.

 P a g e | 44

PETRA: Do you mind if we cool it with the “fucking”? I’m devoutly religious and foul language offends
me.

JILLY: I’m telling you one more time, don’t talk to me.

PETRA: Or you’ll cry?

JILLY slaps PETRA. PETRA slaps JILLY. A catfight ensues, complete

with yelling and hair pulling. It goes on as LEO speaks.

LEO:
(Watching the girls with his hands in his pockets.)
I think about fucking
And shagging
And rooting
And having wild sex.
Pounding, blowing, sucking, grabbing, teasing
I think about those too.
I think about hair being pulled
And belt buckles toyed with.
I think about short skirts
Hands in pockets
And label-peeling.
But mostly...
When I have a minute or two
And two women in front of me
I think about fucking.

JILLY: Get off!

PETRA: You get off!

LEO:
(Adjusting his waistband and belt.)
Why don’t we all just get off?

The girls stop fighting and look at LEO.

JILLY: What?

PETRA shoves JILLY off her.

LEO: Never mind, seems like it’s all under control now.

PETRA:
(Laughing)
Is that right?

JILLY: Leave now.

PETRA: Are you going to let me?

JILLY: Fuck off!!

PETRA:
(To LEO)
I don’t even know what to say.
 P a g e | 45

LEO: What do you mean? You haven’t even given me half a chance!

JILLY: Half a chance for what?

PETRA: Yeah, half a chance for what?

LEO: No… I mean… Just that, you haven’t-

JILLY: Are you- Have you- Who is she? How do you know her?

LEO: I don’t. Well, I kinda do, but not that well, but kinda well-

PETRA:
(Gestures to JILLY)
This fuckwit? Really?

JILLY: Who the fuck are you calling a “fuckwit”?

LEO stares at the ground

PETRA: Long story short, I dropped my copy of Jane Eyre, your boyfriend here picked it up and he
won’t give it back.

JILLY: What’s Jane Eyre?

PETRA laughs.

JILLY: Well?

LEO: It’s a book.

JILLY: What kind of book?

PETRA: One that you read.

JILLY shoots a filthy glare at PETRA

JILLY: What are you still doing here?

PETRA: Last time I checked this was still public domain. I can be anywhere I want. I can be here. (She
runs to a different spot) Or here. (She runs to another spot) Or over here. (She runs to a
different spot) And here.

She continues this

JILLY: I’m going to kill her. (To LEO) Will you help me hide the body?

LEO: Just ignore her babe. You go back to work and I’ll see you at your place tonight.

PETRA: Yeah, just ignore me babe.

JILLY calms herself

JILLY: Fine. I’ll see you tonight. I love you.

She kisses LEO intensely, PETRA looks away

 P a g e | 46

LEO: See you tonight.

JILLY picks up the shoes and EXITS

LEO: You can’t call the girl I’m in love with a “fuckwit”.

PETRA: Yes I can. I can call her a fuckwit, and a dickhead, and a-

LEO gets closer to PETRA than he has before. He puts his hand over
her mouth to hush her. She is clearly thrown off.

LEO: She’s alright; she’s just… marking her territory I suppose.

PETRA takes a step backwards

PETRA:
(Sarcastically)
Yeah, she seems real perfect for you.
 P a g e | 47

SCENE 12
MAREE ENTERS carrying a bottle of water and unwrapping a kebab. [Of the Turkish, wrap kind] She sits on the
edge of the stage, away from LEO and starts eating.

MAREE: You want some?

LEO: Nah, I’m fine thanks.

MAREE: You sure? You paid for it.

PETRA EXITS. LEO shrugs and goes and sits next to MAREE. They
share the kebab while they talk.

LEO: So, I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but, is this your… ideal career? You got other
mouths to fill? ….Veins to fill?

MAREE: Do you have any idea how much we make in a night?

LEO: Not the slightest.

MAREE: For a few blow jobs, I can make over a hundred bucks in an hour. When was the last time you
got paid a hundred bucks an hour?

LEO: Well, never, though I can’t say I’d give dude’s blow jobs to achieve it.

MAREE: One man’s trash…

LEO: But don’t you feel degraded? Waiting on the corner for the next horny scumbag who can’t
get it anywhere else?

MAREE: I think you’ll find most of my clients would rather get it from me. I’m a talented girl you
know.

LEO:
(With a mouthful)
I’m sure you are.

MAREE:
(Hitting on LEO)
The hours work for me. The money works for me, and I get paid to do not only what I’m good
at, but what I love to do. Isn’t that most of the world’s dream?

LEO: I guess. Though… Why don’t you just find a nice guy, have all the sex you want with him and
get paid to do something else?

MAREE: A nice guy like you?

LEO: I’m not interested Maree.

MAREE: I wasn’t offering! I was just saying- you look like nice guy.

LEO stares, angry

MAREE: It’s a compliment, nice guy’s are hard to come by. Why do you look like I just called you a fag
or something?
 P a g e | 48

LEO: Being a nice guy is the story of my life. I’m not “edgy” enough. I don’t get jobs because I
don’t have “it”. I let people push in front of me at the supermarket because I’m not mean
enough to tell them to fuck off.

MAREE: It’s not a bad thing to be nice.

LEO: Nah, I know, but I’m in my first real relationship, and I feel like at times she even gets bored
of me.

MAREE:
(Edging closer to LEO)
You’ve never had a girlfriend? I find that hard to believe.

LEO: No, I’ve had girlfriends. This one, Jilly, she’s my first real adult relationship. It’s the first time
I’ve really spent time considering her, and arranging my time around her, y’know, the way
adults do.

MAREE: Is she the one?

LEO: I think so… I dunno. Maybe. Yeah. She could be the one.

MAREE: Sounds like you’ve thought it all out then.

LEO shrugs

MAREE:
(Getting even closer)
Why don’t you let me take your mind of everything?

LEO: I’m not going to pay you to have sex with me Maree.

MAREE: Who said anything about paying me?

LEO: I don’t get it.

MAREE: You know, for a smart guy, you can be pretty not smart.

LEO: You want to have sex with me for free?!

MAREE: That’s what I’m saying.

LEO: Isn’t there some sort of rule against that?

MAREE: I can have sex with whoever I want, and I can charge whoever I want.

LEO: Wouldn’t not charging me imply that we’re… connected on some other level other than just
a sexual one?

MAREE: And?

LEO: I have a girlfriend…

MAREE: Oh, so what. Infidelity is a thing of the present. Humans aren’t made to be monogomous.
That’s why we have the curse of free will.

LEO: I’m pretty sure that’s not why we have free will.
 P a g e | 49

MAREE: It’s one of the reasons.

LEO: That’s so sad, don’t you have dreams of finding that one person and marrying them and
being with only them?

MAREE: Ugh, no way! Like… I like the idea of being in love, but I’m terrified of being bored. Or
someone becoming bored of me. Why would I do that to myself?

LEO shrugs again

MAREE: You’re doing a lot of that. (She overexaggerates shrugging a few times.)

LEO: It’s what I do when I have nothing good to say. (He shrugs) I gesture.

MAREE: That’s not a gesture. That’s a shrug. (She runs her fingers slowly up LEO’S leg) This is a
gesture.

LEO: Maree…

MAREE: What’s the harm? I’m just a professional, trying to convince you to accept a… (Her hands
reach his crotch)… sample.

She continues to fondle him, he is too engrossed to respond. She

climbs on top of him. After a moment, LEO starts to regain
composure. She bites at his neck and kisses him as he speaks.

LEO: Wait, right here?

MAREE: Yeah! Why not?

LEO: Someone’s going to see!

MAREE: Let them enjoy the show.

He gets into it momentarily.

LEO:
(Pulling away)
No, no, no.

She continues.

LEO: Okay, maybe.

They continue for a bit.

LEO: No, no, maybe not.

LEO pulls MAREE off him.

MAREE: Pretend we met in a bar if that helps. (She looks down at his crotch) Something tells me you
don’t need any help though… (She winks)

LEO: We didn’t just meet in a bar though! You’re a- Ugh! (Grabs the water bottle and desperately
and messily starts rinsing out his mouth.)
 P a g e | 50

MAREE: Way to make a woman feel good Leo.

LEO: It’s not you at all! If I were drunk or something, or you weren’t a… y’know-

MAREE: A prostitute.

LEO: Right, then all of this would be a non-issue. But I can’t get passed the fact that I- Ugh! (Starts
washing it mouth out again and scraping his tongue) You suck dude’s shlongs for a living! I
just pashed the penis’s of like a hundred different guys!

MAREE: Oh, it’s more than a hundred Honey.

LEO:
(Looks like he might be sick)
Ugh!

MAREE: And surely your girl would have something to say if we got too carried away.

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds.

LEO: We already got too carried away. WAY too carried away.

MAREE: Depends on your idea of a good time.

MAREE EXITS.

LEO: This shouldn’t have happened. I’m so not usually like this.

LEO pours water onto his hand and starts madly wiping at his
mouth and face. Muttering to himself disgustedly.
 P a g e | 51

SCENE 13
BEN ENTERS with a cell phone open in his hand

BEN: Bro! You’ve got to see this sick jump!

BEN puts the phone in LEO’S hand and presses play. The sounds of
boys cheering and what sounds like a bike crashing can be heard.

LEO: Whose wheelchair?

BEN: Laura’s mate had a spare one, and we got too wasted and took it for a spin. I nearly broke my
arm in three different places when the chair hit the curb! It was awesome man!

LEO: Who’s Laura?

BEN: My girlfriend. Keep up bro.

LEO: What happened to Jenny?

BEN: Laura happened to Jenny, (Laughs idiotically). Bro… She’s got tricks Jenny couldn’t even have
imagined.

LEO: Tricks as in…

BEN thrusts his hips in a sexual fashion.

LEO: And you chucked her for it?

BEN: No, we’re going out now.

LEO: No, I mean Jenny.

BEN: Oh! Nah bro, she chucked me for it. Not keen on a master in the sack apparently.

LEO: Nice!

They hi-five.

BEN: I know, right!

A beat.

BEN: So, I have something to talk to you about, and I’ve been kinda dreading it, and I definitely
shoulda told you a while ago, but like, it’s not really any of my business and I was hoping you
might’ve been told by now anyway-

LEO:
(Interrupting)
Spit it out bro.

BEN: Jillian called me.

LEO:
(Laughs)
How exciting for you! Were you nice to her?
 P a g e | 52

BEN: I suppose I could have been nicer.

LEO: Fuck man… Do I needa have this conversation with you again? Get along. I can’t be fucked
with you hating each other.

BEN: Honestly man, I’m never gonna like her.

LEO: Then we’re going to have a problem.

BEN: Just hear me out bro. She rang me a while back. I was playing Tekken, trying to promote Jack
6 to Fifth Dan. I was stoned as and you know how I don’t mind the talk when I’m stoned-

LEO:
(Interrupting)
The point bro, get to it faster.

BEN: She thinks you don’t care about her man. And I told her to chill, ‘cause you guys are like
young and shit, and she said: (Puts on a higher voice) “I’m tired of chilling.” And so I was like
“you should just talk to Leo.” And she was like “I slept with a guy from Marketing.”

BEN winces

LEO: She was probably just telling you that, so you’d tell me and I’d pay more attention to her.

BEN: Maybe bro. I’m just telling you what she told me.

LEO: What else did she say?

BEN: She said his name was Mohammed.

LEO: Mohammed?

BEN: I questioned it too man.

LEO: And?

BEN: Oh, lots of other shit about me being a dick and how she knew I’d be unhelpful.

LEO: When was this?

BEN: I dunno… A couple of weeks ago?

LEO: And why are you telling me now?

BEN: I told her to tell you bro.

LEO: And she didn’t. So you should have.

BEN: I didn’t want to be the one to tell you man!

LEO: And knowing and not telling me was better?

BEN: I can’t stand her bro! You know it, she knows it, everyone knows it, and you were hardly
going to shake my hand and buy me a beer were you?

LEO: So why are you telling me now? Do you feel like it’s a good time to fuck things up? She hurt
 P a g e | 53

your little feelings, fucked you off…

BEN: Fuck off.

LEO: I bet you couldn’t wait to tell me!

BEN: What?

LEO: I bet you were thrilled that you got to deliver the news. Now you get to rub it in her face like
a seven year old that got the last piece of cake. Why fuckin’ tell me?! Why bring it up now?

BEN: Know what? You’re right. I’ve tolerated her being a fuckin’ dumb bitch and her pointless,
useless conversation for as long as you’ve asked me to, and yeah. She pissed me off, so I told
you the truth, just like she should have. But I am not the one in the wrong here. Fuckin’ sort
yourself out mate, and sort out your Mrs.

LEO:
(Shoves BEN)
You’re a piece of shit Ben. We’re supposed to be best mates… brothers. I can’t fuckin’ believe
you.

BEN: Bro, I get it, you’re gutted, I understand, but your issue is with Jillian man.

LEO: No “man”, my issue is with you. You should have kept your fucking mouth shut.

BEN: I was trying to do you a favour!

LEO: Oh! My bad! Thanks for that one. Thanks for that favour you did for me!

BEN: Whatevs bro.

LEO punches BEN in the mouth. BEN touches his lip in search of
blood. They stare angrily at each other for a moment.

BEN: Laters.

BEN EXITS at the pedestrian siren. LEO sits on the ground, clearly
not happy.
 P a g e | 54

SCENE 14
LEO is sitting in the middle of the intersection

LEO: You are perfect, so beautiful

In every distorted, infinite way

You hold mysteries of years

Beyond imagination
And you are a blanket
Of secret holes.

You are, for the most part

Distant, shining from afar

Yet, when you are at your closest

And I consider reaching out
To brush my fingertips along your brow

I stop myself, every time, without fail

For fear of disturbing
One single star.
 P a g e | 55

SCENE 15
LEO lies down CS. BEN ENTERS carrying a playstation controller, dragging the cord and takes a place DSR. He
behaves as if he is playing. JILLY ENTERS digging a cell phone out of her purse and takes a place DSL. She dials
and waits, a phone rings in BEN’S pocket. He answers.

BEN: Yo!

JILLY: Hello?

BEN: Hi…?

JILLY: It’s Jillian.

BEN:
(Still no idea who the caller is)
Ohh… Hi!

JILLY: Are you busy?

BEN: Kinda…

JILLY: What’s “kinda”?

BEN: An abbreviation of the words ‘kind’ and ‘of’?

JILLY: You’re an idiot, I don’t even know why I called you.

BEN:
(Realising)
Oh Jillian!

JILLY: What?

BEN: Nothing… nothing. Sup?

JILLY: Can I talk to you?

BEN: If you want…

JILLY: About Leo.

BEN: What about him?

JILLY: Well… I… I want some advice. I’m ready. We’re ready. Leo and I are ready to make some kind
of next step. And I’m not sure what that step is, but I know that I have no idea what his
thoughts are. And we’re doing awesome, and things are still great, but when we’re together
sometimes, it’s like he doesn’t care. It’s like he’s not even there at all and I need you to tell
me where he goes.

BEN: How am I supposed to know?

JILLY: You know him. You know how he works.

BEN: Yeah… but…

 P a g e | 56

JILLY: You know I’d never call you unless you were my only option.

BEN: Option for what? You’re crazy.

JILLY: I knew you’d be completely useless to me.

BEN presses pause and stops playing

BEN: What did you expect me to say? Seriously Jillian, what are you even doing? You’re calling
me… Leo’s best mate and you think I’m a useless pile of crap. Back off a little. Chill out. And
try talking to him about it.

JILLY: Don’t you think I’ve tried? I’m tired of chilling out. I’m tired of his moron friends. I’m tired of
waiting around.

BEN: So what do you want this “moron friend” do about it?

JILLY: I don’t know. Talk to him?

BEN: No way.

JILLY: Just mention it, then maybe he’ll realise something needs to change.

BEN: No. I don’t like you.

JILLY:
(Blurting)
I slept with someone.

BEN: “Someone” not being Leo?

JILLY: Yes.

BEN: Who?

JILLY: This guy Mohammed from Marketing.

BEN: Mohammed?

JILLY: Yes.

BEN: You had sex with a guy called Mohammed?

JILLY: Christ Ben, yes!

BEN: What is wrong with you?

JILLY: Nothing’s wrong with me!

BEN: Sounds like something’s wrong with you.

JILLY: Can you help me or not?

BEN: Uh…

JILLY: It’s a simple question Ben.

 P a g e | 57

BEN: What do you want me to do?

JILLY: I don’t know. Tell me what to do.

BEN: Tell Leo the fuckin’ truth.

JILLY: How do you think he’ll take it?

BEN: I don’t know, tell him and find out.

JILLY: Will he break up with me?

BEN: I don’t know; he’s never been cheated on before.

JILLY: I didn’t cheat on him, I still love him.

BEN: Well you did. You fucked Mohammed.

JILLY: But it didn’t mean anything.

BEN:
(Sarcastically)
Oh, well in that case…

JILLY: What if you tell him? Will he take it better from you?

BEN: Fuck that. And fuck you.. Tell him yourself! Or don’t tell him and live with yourself and your
lies, you’re a tragic mess either way.

JILLY: Fuck you Ben. I thought we might be able to talk like people who get along, just once.

BEN: Then you’re stupider than you look.

The siren sounds. BEN hangs up and exits. LEO stands up.
 P a g e | 58

SCENE 16
LEO: Ben told me.

JILLY: Told you…?

LEO: I’m going to give you one chance to tell me the truth.

JILLY starts to cry. LEO turns away.

LEO: Fuck.

JILLY: It’s not what you think.

LEO: And what exactly is it then?

JILLY: Well-

LEO: Either you fucked Mohammed or you didn’t.

JILLY: Please don’t yell.

LEO: Why the fuck not Jillian? You tried to propose to me. What was that all about?

JILLY: That’s what people do who love each other. They get married!

LEO: And they fuck other people too do they?

JILLY: It was a mistake!

LEO: Oh, you don’t needa tell me that! It’s the biggest mistake you’ll ever make.

JILLY: Please don’t leave me, we can work it out!

LEO: I don’t want to work it out Jilly. I loved you and supported you and you threw it back at me
like a revolting, reeking tea towel. I trusted you. And now I don’t. And without trust, there’s
just a dumbass standing in front of me trying to cry her way out of being a slut.

JILLY: You could learn to trust me again… I promise I won’t let you down.

LEO: It’s too late.

JILLY slaps LEO. He is flabbergasted.

JILLY: It’s not too late! And if you loved me as much as you said you do, you wouldn’t give up so
easily!

LEO:
(In JILLY’S face)
And if you loved me as much as you say you do, (raises his voice) you wouldn’t have fucked
fucking Mohammed!!

JILLY: Don’t fucking yell at me!

LEO: Piss off.

 P a g e | 59

JILLY: So that’s it then? I don’t even get a chance to explain?

LEO: Oh, by all means, explain away! I’m looking forward to it.

He crosses his arms.

JILLY: Well… We haven’t been hanging out that much lately, ‘cause I’ve been working, and
studying, and you’re always here with your guitar. It was starting to feel like the beginning of
the end. And I had a few too many drinks a few weeks ago, while I was out with my class… It
was a mistake!

LEO: You said that already.

JILLY takes LEO’S hands.

JILLY: You know I love you and that I’d take it back if I could.

LEO: But you can’t. And I can’t forget that some other guy’s been all up in there. It’s fuckin’
disgusting.

JILLY: If you loved me you’d find a way to forgive me.

LEO: Jilly, I love you so much that my insides are ripping into a thousand pieces at the thought of
being without you. I love you so much that my heart is completely breaking, I love you so
much that I want to slam my fist down your throat because all I can see when I look at you is
… I can’t stand the sight of you. So, if you love me, you’ll get – the – fuck – away from me.

JILLY drops LEO’S hands. They stare into each other’s eyes for a
while. Then JILLY EXITS. LEO picks up ‘Jane Eyre’ again.

LEO:
(Reading)
“Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt? May your eyes never shed such stormy,
scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in
prayers so hopeless and so agonized as in that hour left my lips; for never may you, like me,
dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love.”

He throws the book at the back of the stage and sits again in the middle of the intersection.
His wraps his arms around his knees and buries his head in his arms.
 P a g e | 60

SCENE 17
PETRA ENTERS and sits next to LEO, oblivious.

LEO:
(Quietly and without lifting his head)
Go away.

PETRA: Are you still pissed that I ragged on your Mrs.? I’m sorry. She just doesn’t seem like your
type, I’ll be nice next time I promise.

LEO: There won’t be a next time.

PETRA: Oh c’mon, I can be nice when I want to be.

LEO:
(Quietly, still not lifting his head)
Please go away.

PETRA turns to LEO

PETRA: Aren’t you going to ask me how I know your type, or something?

LEO
(Lifting his head slowly)
GO AWAY! FUCK OFF!!!

LEO puts his head down again. PETRA moves to EXIT, but MRS.
MILLER ENTERS sobbing. Instantly LEO is on his feet and
comforting her.

LEO: What’s wrong?

MRS. MILLER cries

LEO: Mum! What’s wrong?

MRS. MILLER:
(Still sobbing)
I know the lights haven’t changed, but- (Cries) I can’t- (Cries) It was so- (Cries) He was so
young- (Cries)

LEO: What happened?! What’s wrong?

PETRA watches

MRS. MILLER:
(Hysterical and rambling)
No one got to say goodbye and all I could think of was you and poor Marjory and Gareth-

LEO: Ben?

MRS. MILLER: I still see him standing on the front step, with his little bag, packed up with everything he
loved. His little Optimus Prime and his little cape- (Cries)

LEO: What’s happened to him?

 P a g e | 61

MRS. MILLER:
(Still crying)
He got hit and- (Cries) They tried to- (Cries) But it was so fast- (Cries) And they didn’t get to
him in time-

LEO: Mum!

MRS. MILLER: Ben passed away Leonard. He died. (Cries) The car hit him and didn’t even stop.

LEO steps away from his mother as if the wind has been knocked
out of him. He silently staggers around the stage. He walks
towards PETRA slowly. She reaches and touches his arm. At the
contact, he moves away again. He starts to breathe heavily. He
falls to his knees and leans forward, as if he might be sick.

MRS. MILLER:
(Walking towards LEO)
I’m so sorry Honey. I’m so so sorry.

MRS. MILLER tries to comfort him.

LEO:
(Calmly)
Mum.

PETRA watches

MRS. MILLER: You don’t have to try and-

LEO:
(Interrupting)
Mum I can’t.

MRS. MILLER: Yes you can Honey.

LEO: I don’t want to.

MRS. MILLER: It’s okay to cry.

LEO: Did you know he called you Milfo? Never Janet, or Mrs. Miller, or Mum, always Milfo.

MRS. MILLER I don’t know what that-

LEO starts to cry.

MRS. MILLER: Oh honey…

LEO:
(More to himself than anyone else.)
He’s not gone. I can’t even believe that shit. He’s not gone. He’s not gone. He’s not gone.
He’s not gone. This is stupid. It’s not real. He’s not gone. He’s not gone. Don’t be stupid. He’s
not gone. He’s not gone. He doesn’t go anywhere. He always comes back. He’s not gone.
He’s not gone. (He repeats over and over.)

PETRA thinks about consoling him, he is too upset. She EXITS

 P a g e | 62

SCENE 18
LEO:
(Reads a eulogy from paper)
Ben’s my best friend. When we were seven, we got caught throwing stones at cars outside
his house. My mum’s angry neighbour was pretty unimpressed and marched us right to my
front door, where she berated my parents for not controlling their children. After that we
weren’t allowed to play together, but we still ate our lunch together, joined the same soccer
team and walked home together after school. Eventually our parents decided that they
couldn’t take one of us without the other, so our friendship was given the consent every
eight year old requires and it has been concrete ever since. Ben was there when I broke my
arm bailing off a quad bike. I was there when he broke his leg falling off the shed, because
he’d drank too much before getting up there, I was in the same room when Ben cashed in his
virginity to a girl I will never forget…(Gesturing a beastly girl.) We’ve picked each other up at
our worst times and our best times… The point is that Ben always is there, whenever I need
him, whenever he needs me, he’s always there, right where I left him, ready to pick up where
we left off. No matter what he was my fearless sidekick, ready to jump into action at any
minute. (A beat) In a way it’s fitting for Ben that this time the action jumped him… Everyone
should be so lucky to have a friend like the one I had in him.
 P a g e | 63

SCENE 19
PETRA: I’m really sorry about Ben.

LEO: Thanks.

PETRA: I’ve never known anyone who died.

LEO: That’s lucky.

PETRA: Yeah. But it’s only a matter of time I guess.

LEO: What do you mean?

PETRA: Well, y’know, not everyone dies at the same time. I have grandparents that are probably
getting pretty close to it. And accidents happen all the time, who knows when it’ll happen.

LEO: That’s a bit morbid.

PETRA: No, it’s the truth.

LEO: I guess.

PETRA: Well, I’m catching the train home soon.

LEO: Oh, right. Cool.

PETRA: It’s not, not cool…

LEO: Why do you do that?

PETRA: What?

LEO: Be a dick. It’s like you want the world to hate you.

PETRA:
(Sarcastically)
I dunno, maybe I have underlying issues.

LEO: See! That’s what I mean. You don’t need to be like that.

PETRA: I’m not good at goodbyes.

LEO: Goodbye? Don’t be so dramatic Pet.

PETRA: And that’s why I am the way I am.

LEO: Because you’re not good at goodbyes?

PETRA: No, because you already judge me for it.

LEO: I don’t.

PETRA: You do.

LEO: I actually don’t.

 P a g e | 64

PETRA:
(Mocking LEO)
“Don’t be so dramatic Pet.”

LEO laughs

LEO: You grossly misrepresent yourself.

PETRA: Oh, thanks Dr. Phil.

LEO: You’re actually kinda cool underneath the sarcastic, surly exterior.

PETRA: You know what? I feel better now. You’ve reminded me why I am looking forward to getting
out of here.

They both go to speak at the same time.

PETRA: Go.

LEO: No, you go.

PETRA: No, seriously you go.

LEO: What were you gonna say? Just say it.

PETRA: It’s not important. And it won’t come out like I wanna say it, and you’ll take it out of context
and-

LEO: Say it.

BOTH:
(LEO mocking, PETRA serious.)
You don’t know me at all.

LEO: Jinx!

PETRA puts a serious face on.

LEO:
(Grinning)
Oh, it’s not that bad. You’ll get used to me being right.

PETRA tries to hide a smirk.

LEO: Ooh… There it is… Just a little bit more…

LEO pulls and prods at her face. She tolerates it for a bit.

PETRA: Please stop that.

LEO:
(Playfully tormenting)
Not ‘til you smi-ile!

PETRA: No, please!

 P a g e | 65

PETRA tries to stop him. LEO takes her wrists with one hand and
continues pulling at her face with the other. She struggles against
him.

LEO: Is it smiling time?

PETRA: No, just stop it, please stop!

LEO:
(Restraining her)
One smile, that’s all it takes.

PETRA: Okay!

LEO keeps poking at her.

PETRA: I said okay!

LEO lets her go, smirking. PETRA half smiles for a second and
instantly straightens her face again.

LEO: It that really it?

He starts to poke her cheeks again.

PETRA:
(Flapping her hands at LEO)
Okay, okay, okay!

She turns her back to LEO.

LEO:
(Suspicious)
What are you doing?

PETRA: I have to gear myself up.

LEO:
(Rolling his eyes)
To smile? Oh my God.

PETRA puts on a brilliant smile. LEO pulls his pants down and
moons PETRA. She turns to smile at him and cracks up instantly.
Mission accomplished.

LEO: See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?

PETRA: Naked comedy’s no fair. That’s always funny.

LEO: A laugh’s a laugh mate.

PETRA nods in agreement.

LEO: I do know you.

PETRA: That’s a quick assumption, and I still don’t agree.

 P a g e | 66

LEO: Then you should; you’re a moron.

PETRA:
(Defensively)
You’re a moron!

LEO: And you know me well enough for this?

PETRA: I do actually.

LEO: Then I know you well enough too. I especially know that even though you have a train to
catch, when the lights change and you storm off in a huff, you’ll be back.

PETRA: Ugh.

She mimes pressing the button furiously

LEO: That won’t make it change any faster.

PETRA: I know that.

LEO:
(Smirking)
Cool, just making sure.

LEO holds his hands behind hisback, stands beside PETRA and
grins.

PETRA: What are you grinning about?

LEO: Oh y’know, life.

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds, PETRA goes to exit

PETRA:
(Stopping half way and heading back to LEO.)
Actually, goodbye… uh…

LEO: Leo.

PETRA:
(Mad)
It was nice to meeting you Leo, have a nice… life.

They shake hands. PETRA turns to exit again.

LEO: Hey, what about your book?

PETRA: Keep it.

LEO: Oh c’mon… Here!

He holds the book out to her. She takes it.

PETRA: Thanks…

She seems unsure what to do next.

 P a g e | 67

PETRA: So, I guess I’ll be going then.

LEO:
(Awkwardly)
Yeah. You have your book now, and a train to catch.

PETRA:
(Also awkward)
Yeah I sure do. So, I’ll just… see you round, sometime then.

PETRA draws out leaving. She hugs LEO. PEDESTRIAN SIREN

sounds, catching PETRA’S attention.

PETRA: Okay, well… seeya.

LEO: Wait! You never… (Rethinking)

PETRA:
(She doesn’t hear him)
What?

LEO: I read some of your book y’know.

PETRA: I’d say I’m not surprised, but I really am.

LEO: I wasn’t keep, keeping it.

PETRA: It wasn’t yours to “keep, keep.”

LEO:
(Nervous)
Maybe, I wanted to see you again.

PETRA doesn’t answer.

LEO: Can I read to you a little?

PETRA:
(Unsure)
Um, if you want to.

She hands LEO the book and watches intently as he finds the page
and begins to read.

LEO:
(Reading slowly and eloquently)
“I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you. – Especially when you are near me, as
now: It is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to
a similar string situated-”

A CAR HORN blasts and TYRES SQUEAL. BLACKOUT

 P a g e | 68

SCENE 20
DONAHUE and MAREE ENTER. DONAHUE kneels with LEO, who is unconscious in the middle of the road. ‘Jane
Eyre’ lies at his feet. PETRA is on a cell phone. Sound of 4 buttons being pressed. LIGHTS UP. PETRA is shaken.

MAREE:
(Directed USL, where blue and red flashing lights are.)
IT’S A THIRTY K ZONE FUCKWIT!

OPERATOR:
(Voiceover)
Hi, Ambulance, Fire, or Police please?

PETRA: Uh, Am.. yeah ambulance please.

OPERATOR: Patching you through now. -- Hi, Ambulance, what’s your emergency please?

PETRA is in shock.

OPERATOR: What’s your emergency please?

PETRA: Ohh, umm…

OPERATOR: What’s happened ma’am?

PETRA: He’s on the road. He’s unconscious.

OPERATOR: Has someone collapsed?

PETRA: Uh, no. He was hit. A car hit him. And now he’s on the road and he won’t get up.

OPERATOR: Okay, what’s your name ma’am?

PETRA: My name is… I’m Petra.

OPERATOR: Thanks Petra, now, can you tell me if he’s breathing?

PETRA: I don’t know. (To DONAHUE) Is he breathing?

DONAHUE listens to LEO’S breathing. He wobbles his hand unsteadily to indicate ‘not so
good’.

PETRA: He said he’s not doing so well. (Her voice trembles.)

OPERATOR: Okay Petra, what’s the address?

PETRA: He’s on Queen Street. We’re on the Queen and Victoria intersection, outside Whitcoulls.

OPERATOR: What city ma’am?

PETRA: Auckland! The city. Auckland City!

OPERATOR:
(Soothing)
Okay Petra, I’ve got an ambulance on the way, I’ll get you to stay on the phone with me until
it gets there. I need some details from you for the ambo guys; the victim’s male?
 P a g e | 69

PETRA:
(Upset)
Yes.

Distant AMBULANCE SIRENS sound. PETRA checks LEO over. She is

becoming more and more distressed.

OPERATOR: The ambulance is on its way.

PETRA: Please hurry.

OPERATOR: Can I have the victim’s name please?

PETRA clicks her fingers to get DONAHUE’S attention.

PETRA:
(Clicks her fingers at DONAHUE)
Gimme his wallet!

DONAHUE goes into LEO’S pocket and fishes out his wallet. He
throws it to PETRA who reads the name from his ID.

PETRA: Uh, yeah; it’s Leonard, L-E-O-N-A-R-D, Miller, M-I-L-L-E-R.

She turns her back to the audience and kneels by LEO, staying on
the phone.

OPERATOR: Thanks Petra, now, can you tell me if he’s breathing?

PETRA: I don’t know. (To DONAHUE) Is he breathing?

DONAHUE listens to LEO’S breathing. He wobbles his hand

unsteadily to indicate ‘kinda’.

PETRA: Yeah. He’s breathing.

The PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds. BLACKOUT

 P a g e | 70

SCENE 21
LEO:
(Voiceover)
“I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you. – especially when you are near me, as
now: It is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to
a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that
boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid
that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I’ve a nervous notion I should take to
bleeding inwardly.”

PEDESTRIAN SIREN sounds. LIGHTS DOWN.

The End.