M. Scott Peck-The Road Less Traveled and Beyond

S I M O N & SCHUSTER
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Copyright © 1997 by M. Scott Peck

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Designed by Irving Perkins Associates
M a n u f a c t u r e d in t h e U n i t e d States of America
1 3 5 7 9 1 0 8 6 4 2
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Peck, M. Scott (Morgan Scott), d a t e .
T h e r o a d less traveled a n d b e y o n d : spiritual growth
in an age of anxiety / M. Scott Peck.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
1. Spiritual life. 2. Peck, M. Scott (Morgan Scott), 1 9 3 6 - .
I. Title.
BL624.P43 1997
158—dc20 96-43391
CIP
ISBN 0-684-81314-9
I acknowledge with gratitude t h e c o o p e r a t i o n of all my publishers, i n c l u d i n g

B a n t a m Books, HarperSanFrancisco, H a r m o n y Books, H y p e r i o n Books,
Simon & Schuster, a n d T u r n e r Publishing, for citations a n d quotations from
my various books. Lyrics for "Can't Keep It In," by Cat Stevens, are r e p r i n t e d
by permission of Salafa L i m i t e d / S o n y / A T V Music Publishing.
to my fellow travelers
Contents
Introduction 11
Editor's Preface 15
PART I: CRUSADE AGAINST SIMPLISM
1: Thinking 23
The Point of Having a Brain
Simplism and Society
What's in Fashion Isn't Necessarily Fashionable
Assumptions, Stereotypes, and Labeling
Common Criminal Thinking
Thinking Too Little Is Your Problem
Thinking Too Much Is Somebody Else's Problem
The Good, the Bad, and the In-between
Thinking and Listening
Freedom and Thinking
Time and Efficiency
Paradox and Thinking with Integrity
2: Consciousness 63
The Mystery of Consciousness
Revisiting Our Frontal Lobes
Lessons from Genesis 3
Good and Evil
Evil, Sin, and Other Distinctions
The Shadow
Consciousness and Competence
The Consciousness of Death
Traveling with God
8 CONTENTS
3: Learning and Growth 95

The Role of the Soul
Passive Learning
Growth and Will
Out of Narcissism
Narcissism Versus Self-love
Narcissism, Death, and the Learning of Dying
Unlearning and Flexibility
Learning as Adventure
Values and Learning Choices
Learning from Role Models
Group Learning
PART II: WRESTLING WITH THE COMPLEXITY OF EVERYDAY LIFE
4: Personal Life Choices 139

The Path of Smart Selfishness Versus the Path of Stupid Selfishness
Choices of Responsibility
Choices of Submission
Choices of Vocation
The Choice of Gratitude
The Choice to Die Gracefully
The Choice of Emptiness
5: Organizational Life Choices 167
Civility
Systems
Ethics
Interdependence and Collaboration
Accountability and Structure
Boundaries and Vulnerability
Power
Culture
Dysfunction Versus Civility
6: Choices About Society 203
The Paradox of Good and Evil
The Paradox of Human Nature
The Paradox of Entitlement
The Paradox of Responsibility
CONTENTS 9
The Paradoxes of Time and Money

A Personal Case Study
PART III: THE OTHER SIDE OF COMPLEXITY
7: The "Science" of God 241

Science and God
Spirituality and Religion
Stages of Spiritual Growth
Psychospiritual and Historical Baggage
Integration and Integrity
Grace and Serendipity
Revelation
The Ego and the Soul
Kenosis
Prayer and Faith
Process Theology
Glory
Cocreation
8: The "Poetry" of God 287

Acknowledgments 307
Notes 309
Introduction
I AM SIXTY YEARS OF AGE. T h a t statistic m e a n s d i f f e r e n t t h i n g s f o r

different p e o p l e . For m e , since I am n o t in the best of health
a n d feel I've lived e n o u g h f o r t h r e e l i f e t i m e s , b e i n g sixty m e a n s
t h a t i t i s t i m e I s h o u l d s t a r t s e t t i n g m y affairs i n o r d e r , a s t h e y
say. I t s e e m s p r o p e r f o r m e t h e s e days t o b e a b o u t t h e b u s i n e s s
o f t y i n g u p l o o s e e n d s o f m y life i n s o f a r a s i t i s i n m y p o w e r t o
d o so. I w r i t e this b o o k i n t h a t e n d e a v o r .
I w r o t e The Road Less Traveled at t h e v i g o r o u s a g e of forty. It
was a s i f a s p i g o t h a d b e e n o p e n e d , a n d o t h e r b o o k s h a v e c o m e
p o u r i n g o u t e v e r s i n c e : n i n e , t o b e e x a c t , n o t c o u n t i n g this o n e .
Each time p e o p l e have asked me what I h o p e d to achieve by a
particular b o o k , as if I generally h a d a g r a n d strategy in m i n d .
T h e t r u t h i s I w r o t e t h e m n o t o u t o f strategy, b u t s i m p l y b e c a u s e
e a c h b o o k h a s said, " W r i t e m e . " H o w e v e r h a r d s h e m i g h t b e t o
d e f i n e , t h e r e i s s u c h a t h i n g a s a m u s e , a n d I h a v e always a n d
only o p e r a t e d u n d e r h e r orders.
So it is n o w , b u t I b e l i e v e a m o r e c o m p l e x e x p l a n a t i o n is in
order. O n e of those works, a collection of my edited lectures, is
e n t i t l e d Further Along the Road Less Traveled, as is t h e s e r i e s of
a u d i o t a p e s f r o m w h i c h i t was d e v e l o p e d . T h e t i d e o f t h i s o n e
m a k e s i t s o u n d like " T h e R o a d Less T r a v e l e d III." I w o r r y t h e
s o u n d m a y b e m i s l e a d i n g . T h e fact i s t h a t m y m u s e w o n ' t allow
m e t o write t h e s a m e b o o k over a n d again n o m a t t e r h o w
c o m m e r c i a l l y s m a r t i t m i g h t b e t o d o so.
All o f m y b o o k s a r e q u i t e d i f f e r e n t f r o m e a c h o t h e r . Yet n o t
totally d i f f e r e n t . W i t h t h e p e r s p e c t i v e o f a g e I've c o m e t o r e a l -
12 INTRODUCTION
ize t h a t i n t h e i r o w n u n i q u e ways t h e y h a v e all b e e n a t t e m p t s t o

w o r k o u t t h e s a m e c o m p l e x set o f h i d d e n t h e m e s . L o o k i n g
backward, recently I d i s c e r n e d that I have b e e n wrestling with
t h e s e t h e m e s a s far b a c k a s I c a n r e m e m b e r . A t t h e t i m e i t felt a s
if The Road Less Traveled a r o s e de n o v o w h e n I was forty. N o w I
can see how I'd b e g u n work on it a n d my o t h e r books before I'd
e v e n e n t e r e d a d o l e s c e n c e . P e r h a p s I was b o r n w o r k i n g o n t h e s e
t h e m e s . O r p e r h a p s I was b o r n t o w o r k o n t h e m . I d o n ' t k n o w .
W h a t I d o k n o w i s t h a t t h e w o r k was a l r e a d y i n p r o g r e s s o f
a s o r t two d e c a d e s b e f o r e t h e p u b l i c a t i o n of The Road Less Trav-
eled. In l a t e 1 9 5 7 a n d e a r l y 1 9 5 8 , at t h e a g e of t w e n t y - o n e , I
w r o t e a c o l l e g e s e n i o r t h e s i s w i t h t h e e g r e g i o u s title o f "Anxiety,
M o d e r n Science, a n d the Epistemological Problem." Episte-
mology is that b r a n c h of philosophy which addresses the ques-
tion: "How do we know what we think we know? H o w do we
know anything?" T h e epistemological problem is that philoso-
phers have never succeeded in answering the question. Many in
t h e n i n e t e e n t h c e n t u r y t h o u g h t t h e a n s w e r lay i n s c i e n c e . W e
c o u l d k n o w t h i n g s for c e r t a i n t h r o u g h t h e scientific m e t h o d . A s
my thesis p o i n t e d out, however, p e r h a p s t h e single m o s t i m p o r -
t a n t d i s c o v e r y o f m o d e r n s c i e n c e h a s b e e n t h a t t h e r e a r e limits
t o scientific i n q u i r y . W i t h a few ifs, a n d s , a n d b u t s , t h e r e i s n o
m o r e r e a l c e r t a i n t y t o b e f o u n d i n s c i e n c e t h a n i n t h e o l o g y . Yet
u n c e r t a i n t y b r e e d s a n x i e t y . I t i s scary w h e n o u r b e s t m i n d s a r e
those w h o best k n o w that they d o n ' t know. This is why W. H. Au-
d e n referred to o u r century as the Age of Anxiety—a time w h e n
the Age of Reason has proved to be just as unsettling a period
as the Age of Faith.
M y c o l l e g e thesis p r o v i d e d n o a n s w e r s , o n l y q u e s t i o n s , a n d
o n e way o r a n o t h e r t h o s e s a m e q u e s t i o n s a r e e c h o e d i n e a c h
a n d every o n e o f m y b o o k s . A m a j o r t h e m e o f all o f t h e m i s t h e
e n c o u r a g e m e n t of the greatest possible r a n g e of t h o u g h t in o u r
s e a r c h for t h e i r a n s w e r s . T h u s t h e t h i r d o f t h e f o u r s e c t i o n s o f
The Road Less Traveled c o n c l u d e s : " B u t j u s t as it is e s s e n t i a l t h a t
o u r s i g h t n o t b e c r i p p l e d b y scientific t u n n e l vision, s o also i t i s
e s s e n t i a l t h a t o u r critical faculties a n d c a p a c i t y f o r s k e p t i c i s m
INTRODUCTION 13
n o t be b l i n d e d by the brilliant beauty of t h e spiritual realm."

O n c e I p u t t h a t c o l l e g e thesis b e h i n d m e ( o r s o I t h o u g h t ) ,
I g o t o n w i t h t h e b u s i n e s s o f r e a l life: m e d i c a l s c h o o l , m a r r i a g e ,
c h i l d r e n , s p e c i a l t y t r a i n i n g i n psychiatry, m i l i t a r y a n d g o v e r n -
m e n t s e r v i c e , a n d e v e n t u a l l y p r i v a t e p r a c t i c e . Yet, w i t h o u t
k n o w i n g t h a t o n e — m u c h less m a n y — b o o k s w o u l d e v e n t u a t e , I
was b e g i n n i n g , a l m o s t u n c o n s c i o u s l y , t o d e v e l o p s o m e c a u t i o u s ,
tentative answers to my own questions. W h e n e n o u g h such an-
swers h a d a c c u m u l a t e d , i t c a m e t o m e t w e n t y y e a r s l a t e r t o w r i t e
The Road Less Traveled. A n d , as t h e y c o n t i n u e d to a c c u m u l a t e , I
went on to write w h a t I t h o u g h t were very different works.
T h e y are v e r y d i f f e r e n t . Yet w h e t h e r for a d u l t s o r c h i l d r e n ,
w h e t h e r f o c u s e d u p o n t h e i n d i v i d u a l o r society, w h e t h e r fiction
o r n o n f i c t i o n , t h e y all m a y b e l o o k e d u p o n i n p a r t a s e l a b o r a -
tions of o n e or m o r e of t h e k e y c o n c e p t s in The Road Less Trav-
eled. A s e l a b o r a t i o n s t h e y c a r r y t h o s e c o n c e p t s f u r t h e r ; t h e y
l o o k d e e p e r ; t h e y go beyond. T h i s b o o k is e n t i t l e d The Road Less
Traveled and Beyond b e c a u s e it ties t o g e t h e r m a n y of t h e ways in
which I have b e e n pushed—often stumbling—to move beyond
my first b o o k in b o t h my public writing a n d my personal jour-
ney over t h e past twenty years.
S o m e m a y c o n s i d e r this b o o k a c o m p i l a t i o n , a c o m -
p e n d i u m , o r a s u m m a r y o f all m y p u b l i s h e d w o r k , b u t t h o s e
words are i n a d e q u a t e . In writing the book, I f o u n d that I h a d to
b e q u i t e selective. " S y n t h e s i s " w o u l d b e a m o r e a d e q u a t e d e -
s c r i p t i o n , b u t still fails t o c a p t u r e t h e " b e y o n d n e s s " o f t h e b o o k .
For in a d d i t i o n to tying up loose e n d s , I w a n t e d to b r e a k n e w
g r o u n d as well. I h a v e b e e n p o w e r f u l l y assisted in d o i n g so by a
q u o t e a t t r i b u t e d t o J u s t i c e O l i v e r W e n d e l l H o l m e s , Jr., w h o
o n c e said: "I d o n ' t give a fig for t h e simplicity of this s i d e of
c o m p l e x i t y , b u t I w o u l d d i e for t h e simplicity o n t h e o t h e r
side."* His p r o f o u n d s e n t i m e n t has led m e t o o r g a n i z e this
work into t h r e e sections.
*The exact origin of the q u o t e of the q u o t e is u n k n o w n , b u t I am grateful to

Max D u P r e e for passing it on to me in his book, The Art of Leadership.
14 INTRODUCTION
In Part I, "Crusade Against Simplism," I decry t h e primitive

a n d effortless simplistic t h i n k i n g t h a t lies a t t h e r o o t o f s o m u c h
individual a n d societal sickness.
I n P a r t II, " W r e s t l i n g w i t h t h e C o m p l e x i t y o f E v e r y d a y Life,"
I describe the complex choices we must continually m a k e a n d
r e m a k e if we a r e to live well.
A n d i n P a r t III, " T h e O t h e r S i d e o f C o m p l e x i t y , " I d e s c r i b e
w h e r e w e c a n a r r i v e w h e n w e h a v e b e e n w i l l i n g t o p a y all o u r
p r o p e r intellectual a n d emotional dues.
A l t h o u g h t h e p h r a s e "the O t h e r Side" rings with possible
intimations of heaven, I am n o t so bold as to suggest that we can
reach h e a v e n this side of t h e grave. W h a t I do suggest, however,
i s t h a t w e c a n i n d e e d c o m e t o exist i n a c l o s e r r e l a t i o n s h i p t o
t h e Holy. A n d t h a t o n t h e o t h e r s i d e o f c o m p l e x i t y t h e r e i s a
kind of simplicity w h e r e we can k n o w with humility t h a t in the
e n d all t h i n g s p o i n t t o G o d .
Editor's Preface
I FIRST MET M. SCOTT PECK in t h e s u m m e r of 1 9 9 5 . I h a d w r i t t e n

h i m a l e t t e r to t h a n k h i m f o r h i s b o o k , In Search of Stones, a n d to
tell h i m o f its p r o f o u n d effect o n m y life. I h a d also r e a d two o f
his e a r l i e r b o o k s , The Road Less Traveled a n d People of the Lie,
w h i c h h a d b e c o m e , a s I w r o t e i n m y letter, c o m p a n i o n s — i n t e l -
lectual a n d spiritual—on my own j o u r n e y of personal growth.
T h r e e w e e k s later, I r e c e i v e d a l e t t e r f r o m Dr. P e c k in
w h i c h h e w r o t e t h a t h e was i n s e a r c h o f a n e d i t o r f o r h i s n e w
b o o k a n d a s k e d i f I w o u l d like t o e x p l o r e t h e possibility o f u n -
d e r t a k i n g t h e j o b . I was b o t h f l a t t e r e d a n d s u r p r i s e d . W e s p o k e
o n t h e p h o n e , l a t e r m e t , a n d t h e n , a f t e r several l o n g a n d p r o b -
ing conversations, we began o u r work together. Over the course
o f t h e n e x t t e n m o n t h s , i t was a c h a l l e n g e a n d a n e x h i l a r a t i n g
e x p e r i e n c e to h a v e a p a r t in t h e e v o l u t i o n of The Road Less Trav-
eled and Beyond.
M a n y r e a d e r s o f this b o o k will b e f a m i l i a r w i t h Dr. P e c k ' s
e a r l i e r w o r k s , a l t h o u g h t h a t i s n o t n e c e s s a r y f o r a full c o m p r e -
h e n s i o n of The Road Less Traveled and Beyond. N e v e r t h e l e s s , it
m a y b e useful h e r e t o m e n t i o n t h o s e b o o k s a n d c o m m e n t
briefly o n t h e i r m a j o r t h e m e s .
The Road Less Traveled ( N e w York: S i m o n & S c h u s t e r , 1978)
was Dr. P e c k ' s first b o o k . B r e a k i n g n e w g r o u n d — a s r e f l e c t e d i n
its s u b t i t l e , " A N e w P s y c h o l o g y o f L o v e , T r a d i t i o n a l V a l u e s a n d
S p i r i t u a l G r o w t h " — t h e b o o k s t e m m e d f r o m Dr. P e c k ' s w o r k a s
a psychotherapist with patients struggling to avoid or to gain
g r e a t e r levels o f m a t u r i t y . A n e n o r m o u s l y p o p u l a r a n d i n f l u e n -
16 EDITOR'S PREFACE
tial b o o k , The Road Less Traveled h e l p e d b r i d g e t h e g a p b e t w e e n

p s y c h o l o g y a n d r e l i g i o n . I n it, Dr. P e c k w r o t e t h a t h e m a d e lit-
tle d i s t i n c t i o n b e t w e e n t h e m i n d a n d t h e s p i r i t a n d , t h e r e f o r e ,
little d i s t i n c t i o n b e t w e e n t h e p r o c e s s o f a c h i e v i n g e m o t i o n a l
maturity a n d spiritual growth.
In t h e I t a l i a n e d i t i o n , t h e title of The Road Less Traveled was
t r a n s l a t e d as Volo di Bene, w h i c h m e a n s " T h e G o o d P a t h , " b e -
c a u s e t h e r e i s a t r a d i t i o n i n Italy t o c o m p a r e t h e " g o o d p a t h " t o
t h e " b a d p a t h . " S o i t was n o t c o i n c i d e n t a l t h a t Dr. P e c k , h a v i n g
written a b o o k a b o u t t h e g o o d p a t h , followed it with o n e a b o u t
t h e b a d p a t h . In People of the Lie ( N e w York: S i m o n & S c h u s t e r ,
1 9 8 3 ) , h e p r o b e d i n d e p t h t h e e s s e n c e o f h u m a n evil. W r i t i n g
t h a t p e o p l e w h o a r e evil p l a c e t h e m s e l v e s i n d i r e c t o p p o s i t i o n
t o t h e t r u t h a n d h a r m o t h e r s i n s t e a d o f f a c i n g t h e i r o w n fail-
ures a n d limitations, he dramatically d e m o n s t r a t e d how they
s e e k t o a v o i d u n d e r t a k i n g t h e difficult task o f p e r s o n a l g r o w t h .
A g a i n , p r e s e n t i n g cases e n c o u n t e r e d i n h i s p s y c h i a t r i c p r a c t i c e ,
h e d e s c r i b e d vivid i n c i d e n t s o f evil i n e v e r y d a y life a n d t h e i r
r a m i f i c a t i o n s , a s well a s o f f e r i n g t h o u g h t s a b o u t t h e p o s s i b i l i t i e s
for h e a l i n g h u m a n evil.
Dr. P e c k ' s n e x t b o o k , What Return Can I Make? Dimensions
of the Christian Experience ( N e w York: S i m o n & S c h u s t e r , 1985)
was c o a u t h o r e d w i t h M a r i l y n v o n W a l d n e r , O . C . D . , a n d P a t r i c i a
Kay. A c c o m p a n i e d b y t h e s p i r i t u a l m u s i c o f v o n W a l d n e r a n d
t h e a b s t r a c t d r a w i n g s o f Kay, t h e b o o k was d e d i c a t e d t o t h e
"glory o f G o d . " I n it, Dr. P e c k r e f l e c t e d o n t h e m e s r e l a t e d t o h i s
o w n j o u r n e y o f s p i r i t u a l g r o w t h i n t o Christianity. A l t h o u g h i t i s
his m o s t e v a n g e l i c a l w o r k , i t d o e s n o t e x c l u d e t h o s e n o t i d e n t i -
f i e d a s C h r i s t i a n s . I t i s a b o u t t h e d i s c o v e r y o f G o d a n d t h e mys-
t e r y o f faith. T h e b o o k , w i t h o u t t h e a r t a n d s h e e t m u s i c b u t w i t h
t h e a u d i o t a p e o f s o n g s b y v o n W a l d n e r , was r e p u b l i s h e d a n d
r e t i t l e d Gifts for the Journey: Treasures of the Christian Life ( S a n
Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1995).
I n 1 9 8 4 , Dr. P e c k , h i s wife, Lily, a n d n i n e o t h e r s s t a r t e d t h e
F o u n d a t i o n for C o m m u n i t y E n c o u r a g e m e n t (FCE), a n o n -
profit o r g a n i z a t i o n for p r o m o t i n g t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f c o m m u -
EDITOR'S PREFACE 17
nity a s a m e a n s o f i m p r o v i n g h u m a n r e l a t i o n s h i p s a m o n g i n d i -
viduals, small g r o u p s , a n d n a t i o n s . As a direct c o n s e q u e n c e of
his w o r k w i t h F C E , Dr. P e c k w r o t e The Different Drum ( N e w York:
S i m o n & S c h u s t e r , 1987) i n w h i c h h e c h a l l e n g e d r e a d e r s t o
t a k e a n o t h e r j o u r n e y i n self-awareness t o a c h i e v e a n e w level o f
" c o n n e c t e d n e s s " t h r o u g h the creative e x p e r i e n c e of c o m m u -
nity.
I n a d e p a r t u r e f r o m n o n f i c t i o n , Dr. P e c k ' s n e x t b o o k was a
p s y c h o l o g i c a l thriller, A Bed by the Window ( N e w York: B a n t a m
B o o k s , 1 9 9 0 ) , s u b t i t l e d A Novel of Mystery and Redemption. Su-
perficially a n a c c o u n t o f sex, love, a n d d e a t h s e t i n a n u r s i n g
h o m e , it is, as its s u b t i t l e s u g g e s t s , m o r e t h a n a m y s t e r y story; it
i s a n e x p l o r a t i o n o f t h e n a t u r e o f m y s t e r y itself o n m u l t i p l e lev-
els.
The Friendly Snowflake ( A t l a n t a : T u r n e r P u b l i s h i n g , I n c . ,
1 9 9 2 ) , i l l u s t r a t e d b y P e c k ' s s o n , C h r i s t o p h e r P e c k , was also a
w o r k o f f i c t i o n , a s t o r y a b o u t a y o u n g girl's v o y a g e i n t o s p i r i t u a l
a w a r e n e s s . T h e b o o k ' s m a i n c o n c e r n s a r e life, love, faith, a n d
family.
Dr. P e c k ' s n e x t b o o k , A World Waiting to Be Born: Civility Re-
discovered ( N e w York: B a n t a m B o o k s , 1 9 9 3 ) e x p l o r e d t h e r o l e
o f civility i n p e r s o n a l r e l a t i o n s h i p s a n d i n society a s a w h o l e .
C h a l l e n g i n g u s t o r e c o g n i z e t h e c u l t u r a l c o n s e q u e n c e s o f inci-
vility, Dr. P e c k w r o t e o f t h e m a n y m o r a l l y d i s r u p t i v e p a t t e r n s o f
behavior—both subtle a n d blatant—that seem ingrained in hu-
m a n relationships, a n d p r o p o s e d c h a n g e s that can b e effected
to achieve b o t h p e r s o n a l a n d societal well-being.
Further Along the Road Less Traveled: The Unending Journey To-
ward Spiritual Growth ( N e w York: S i m o n & S c h u s t e r , 1993) e l a b -
o r a t e d o n t h e m e s a n d c o n c e p t s f i r s t e x p l o r e d i n The Road Less
Traveled a n d was a r e v i s e d a n d e d i t e d c o l l e c t i o n of Dr. P e c k ' s
lectures.
Dr. P e c k ' s n e x t w o r k was In Search of Stones ( N e w York: Hy-
p e r i o n B o o k s , 1 9 9 5 ) , a n i n t e g r a t i o n o f t h e m e s r e l a t e d t o his-
tory, travel, a n d a u t o b i o g r a p h y . S u b t i t l e d A Pilgrimage of Faith,
Reason and Discovery, it was t h e s t o r y of a t h r e e - w e e k t r i p
18 EDITOR'S PREFACE
t h r o u g h the countryside of Wales, E n g l a n d , a n d Scotland that

b e c o m e s a n a d v e n t u r e o f t h e spirit a n d a n e x p l o r a t i o n o f t h e
c o m p l e x i t i e s o f o u r j o u r n e y t h r o u g h life.
Dr. P e c k r e t u r n e d to fiction w i t h In Heaven as on Earth
( N e w York: H y p e r i o n , 1 9 9 6 ) , a s t o r y w h o s e c h a r a c t e r s i n h a b i t
a n afterlife w h e r e t h e y m u s t c o n f r o n t a n d a t t e m p t t o r e s o l v e
t h e c o n f l i c t s a n d c o m p l e x i t i e s o f t h e i r lives o n e a r t h .
A n d finally, Dr. P e c k i s n o w a t w o r k o n a n e w b o o k e n t i t l e d
Denial of the Soul: Spiritual and Medical Perspectives on Euthanasia
( s c h e d u l e d for p u b l i c a t i o n in 1997 by H a r m o n y B o o k s ) .
Collectively, Dr. P e c k ' s b o o k s h a v e b e e n a d e m o n s t r a t i o n
o f b o t h his u n f o l d i n g consciousness a n d t h e ever-increasing
c o u r a g e of his t h o u g h t s . T h e r e is s o m e t h i n g in e a c h t h a t we
m a y f i n d h e l p f u l , a n d c a n e m u l a t e , a s w e strive t o d e v e l o p o u r
o w n s p i r i t u a l lives. T h i s b o o k , I feel, will p r o v i d e p r o f o u n d n e w
i n s i g h t s t o g u i d e u s o n this c o n t i n u i n g j o u r n e y . I n its u n i q u e
w a y — l i k e t h e a u t h o r a n d e a c h o f h i s b o o k s — i t h a s a s p i r i t o f its
own.
Fannie LeFlore
T h e n a m e s a n d s o m e o f t h e c i r c u m s t a n c e s o f all p a t i e n t s o r
clients h e r e i n have b e e n altered in o r d e r to preserve their con-
fidentiality.
P A R T I
Crusade Against
Simplism
CHAPTER 1
Thinking
IN IRELAND, THE MIDDLE EAST, SOMALIA, Sri L a n k a , a n d c o u n t l e s s

o t h e r w a r - t o r n a r e a s a r o u n d t h e w o r l d , p r e j u d i c e , r e l i g i o u s in-
tolerance, g r e e d , a n d fear have e r u p t e d i n t o violence t h a t has
t a k e n t h e lives o f m i l l i o n s . I n A m e r i c a , t h e d a m a g e c a u s e d b y
i n s t i t u t i o n a l i z e d r a c i s m i s p e r h a p s m o r e s u b t l e b u t n o less dev-
a s t a t i n g t o t h e social f a b r i c . R i c h v e r s u s p o o r , b l a c k v e r s u s
w h i t e , pro-life v e r s u s p r o - c h o i c e , s t r a i g h t v e r s u s g a y — a l l a r e so-
cial, p o l i t i c a l , a n d e c o n o m i c c o n f l i c t s f o u g h t u n d e r t h e b a n n e r
o f s o m e i d e o l o g y o r d e e p l y h e l d belief. B u t g i v e n t h e divisive
a n d d e s t r u c t i v e r e s u l t s , a r e t h e s e i d e o l o g i e s a n d beliefs r a t i o -
n a l , o r m e r e r a t i o n a l i z a t i o n s f o r o t h e r w i s e u n r e a s o n a b l e acts?
H o w o f t e n , i n fact, d o w e s t o p t o t h i n k a b o u t w h a t w e b e l i e v e ?
O n e o f t h e m a j o r d i l e m m a s w e face b o t h a s i n d i v i d u a l s a n d a s a
society i s s i m p l i s t i c t h i n k i n g — o r t h e f a i l u r e t o t h i n k a t all. I t
i s n ' t j u s t a p r o b l e m , it is the p r o b l e m .
Given t h e i m p e r f e c t i o n s o f o u r society a n d t h e a p p a r e n t
d o w n w a r d spiral of spiritual a n d m o r a l values in r e c e n t years,
t h i n k i n g has b e c o m e a grave issue. It is m o r e u r g e n t n o w — p e r -
haps m o r e urgent than anything else—because it is the means
by which we consider, d e c i d e , a n d act u p o n everything in o u r
i n c r e a s i n g l y c o m p l e x w o r l d . I f w e d o n ' t b e g i n t o t h i n k well, it's
h i g h l y likely t h a t w e m a y e n d u p k i l l i n g o u r s e l v e s .
I n o n e way o r a n o t h e r , e a c h o f m y b o o k s h a s b e e n — s y m -
bolically a n d s u b s t a n t i v e l y — a c r u s a d e a g a i n s t s i m p l i s t i c t h i n k -
i n g . I b e g a n The Road Less Traveled w i t h t h e a s s e r t i o n t h a t "life
24 M. Scott Peck, M.D.
is difficult." In Further Along the Road Less Traveled, I a d d e d t h a t

"life i s c o m p l e x . " H e r e , i t c a n f u r t h e r b e said t h a t " t h e r e a r e
n o easy a n s w e r s . " A n d a l t h o u g h I b e l i e v e t h e r o u t e t o f i n d i n g
a n s w e r s i s p r i m a r i l y t h r o u g h b e t t e r t h i n k i n g , e v e n this i s n o t a s
simple as it may seem.
T h i n k i n g i s difficult. T h i n k i n g i s c o m p l e x . A n d t h i n k i n g
i s — m o r e t h a n a n y t h i n g else—a process, with a course or direc-
tion, a lapse of time, a n d a series of steps or stages t h a t lead to
s o m e r e s u l t . T o t h i n k well i s a l a b o r i o u s , o f t e n p a i n s t a k i n g
process until o n e b e c o m e s accustomed to being "thoughtful."
S i n c e i t i s a p r o c e s s , t h e c o u r s e o r d i r e c t i o n m a y n o t always b e
c l e a r - c u t . N o t all t h e s t e p s o r stages a r e l i n e a r , n o r a r e t h e y al-
ways i n t h e s a m e s e q u e n c e . S o m e a r e c i r c u l a r a n d o v e r l a p w i t h
o t h e r s . N o t e v e r y o n e s e e k s t o a c h i e v e t h e s a m e r e s u l t . G i v e n all
t h i s , i f w e a r e t o t h i n k well, w e m u s t b e o n g u a r d a g a i n s t sim-
plistic t h i n k i n g i n o u r a p p r o a c h t o a n a l y z i n g c r u c i a l issues a n d
s o l v i n g t h e p r o b l e m s o f life.
A l t h o u g h p e o p l e a r e d i f f e r e n t , a n a l l - t o o - c o m m o n flaw i s
t h a t m o s t t e n d t o b e l i e v e t h e y s o m e h o w instinctively k n o w h o w
t o t h i n k a n d t o c o m m u n i c a t e . I n reality, t h e y u s u a l l y d o n e i t h e r
well b e c a u s e t h e y a r e e i t h e r t o o self-satisfied t o e x a m i n e t h e i r
a s s u m p t i o n s a b o u t t h i n k i n g o r t o o self-absorbed t o invest t h e
t i m e a n d e n e r g y t o d o s o . A s a r e s u l t , i t i s i m p o s s i b l e t o tell w h y
they think as they do or h o w they m a k e their decisions. A n d
w h e n c h a l l e n g e d , t h e y s h o w v e r y little a w a r e n e s s o f — o r b e -
c o m e easily f r u s t r a t e d b y — t h e d y n a m i c s i n v o l v e d i n t r u l y t h i n k -
i n g a n d c o m m u n i c a t i n g well.
Twice d u r i n g my c a r e e r as a l e c t u r e r , I gave an all-day s e m -
inar on thinking. At the beginning of each, I pointed out that
most people think they already know how to think. At the con-
c l u s i o n o f e a c h , d u r i n g a f e e d b a c k s e s s i o n , s o m e o n e said i n
sheer exasperation, " T h e subject is simply too large." I n d e e d ,
thinking isn't a topic that a n y o n e can digest t h o r o u g h l y in o n e
s i t t i n g . W h o l e b o o k s c a n b e ( a n d h a v e b e e n ) w r i t t e n a b o u t it. I t
i s n o s u r p r i s e t h a t m a n y p e o p l e resist t h e a r d u o u s efforts in-
volved in continually m o n i t o r i n g a n d revising their thinking.
A n d no surprise that by the e n d of the seminars most of the par-
THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED AND BEYOND 25
t i c i p a n t s felt so o v e r w h e l m e d by all t h a t is really i n v o l v e d in

thinking that they were either n u m b e d or horrified. Needless
t o say, t h e s e w e r e n o t a m o n g m y m o r e p o p u l a r e n g a g e m e n t s .
Yet i f all t h e e n e r g y r e q u i r e d t o t h i n k s e e m s t r o u b l e s o m e , t h e
lack o f t h i n k i n g c a u s e s far m o r e t r o u b l e a n d c o n f l i c t f o r o u r -
selves a s i n d i v i d u a l s a n d f o r t h e society i n w h i c h w e live.
H a m l e t ' s o f t e n q u o t e d "To b e o r n o t t o b e ? " i s o n e o f life's
ultimate existential questions. A n o t h e r question gets to the
heart of how we interpret that existence. I would paraphrase
S h a k e s p e a r e t o ask, "To t h i n k o r n o t t o t h i n k ? " T h a t i s t h e ulti-
m a t e q u e s t i o n i n c o m b a t i n g s i m p l i s m . A n d a t this p o i n t i n h u -
m a n e v o l u t i o n , i t m a y b e t h e v e r y e q u i v a l e n t o f "To b e o r n o t t o
be?"
F r o m my practice as a psychiatrist a n d my e x p e r i e n c e s a n d
observations in general, I have b e c o m e familiar with t h e com-
m o n e r r o r s r e l a t e d t o t h e f a i l u r e t o t h i n k well. O n e , o f c o u r s e ,
is simply n o t thinking. A n o t h e r is m a k i n g assumptions in think-
ing, t h r o u g h t h e use of o n e - d i m e n s i o n a l logic, stereotypes, a n d
labeling. A n o t h e r p r o b l e m is the belief that thinking a n d com-
m u n i c a t i o n d o n ' t r e q u i r e m u c h effort. A n o t h e r i s a s s u m i n g
t h a t t h i n k i n g is a w a s t e of t i m e , w h i c h is a p a r t i c u l a r f a c t o r in
t h e q u i e t r a g e w e e x p e r i e n c e a r o u n d t h e f a i l u r e t o solve m a n y
social p r o b l e m s .
L e o n a r d H o d g s o n w r o t e : "It i s n o t t h r o u g h t r u s t i n o u r
reason that w e g o w r o n g , b u t b e c a u s e t h r o u g h o u r sinfulness
our reason is so imperfectly rational. T h e r e m e d y is n o t the sub-
stitution of s o m e o t h e r f o r m of a c q u i r i n g k n o w l e d g e for ratio-
n a l a p p r e h e n s i o n ; i t i s t h e e d u c a t i o n o f o u r r e a s o n t o b e its t r u e
self." A l t h o u g h t h e l a n g u a g e i s s o m e w h a t m i s l e a d i n g , s i n c e h i s
b o o k d a t e s b a c k o v e r fifty y e a r s , H o d g s o n ' s w o r d s a r e r e l e v a n t
t o t h e d i l e m m a w e face t o d a y . F o r " r e a s o n , " I w o u l d s u b s t i t u t e
t h e w o r d " t h i n k i n g " a n d all t h a t i t i m p l i e s . B y " s i n f u l n e s s , "
H o d g s o n was r e f e r r i n g , I b e l i e v e , t o o u r c o m b i n e d " o r i g i n a l " sins
o f laziness, fear, a n d p r i d e , w h i c h l i m i t u s o r p r e v e n t u s f r o m ful-
filling t h e h u m a n p o t e n t i a l . I n r e f e r r i n g t o " t h e e d u c a t i o n o f
o u r r e a s o n t o b e its t r u e self," H o d g s o n s u g g e s t s t h a t w e s h o u l d
allow o u r t r u e self t o b e w h a t e v e r it's c a p a b l e of, t o rise t o its
fullest capacity. T h e p o i n t i s n o t t h a t w e s h o u l d n ' t t r u s t o u r

b r a i n , specifically o u r f r o n t a l l o b e s . T h e p o i n t i s t h a t w e d o n ' t
u s e t h e m e n o u g h . B e c a u s e o f o u r sins o f laziness, fear, a n d
p r i d e , w e d o n ' t p u t o u r b r a i n t o full u s e . W e a r e f a c e d w i t h t h e
task o f e d u c a t i n g o u r s e l v e s t o b e fully h u m a n .
THE POINT OF HAVING A BRAIN
O b v i o u s a s this m a y s e e m , w e ' v e b e e n g i v e n a l a r g e b r a i n s o t h a t
we can think. O n e characteristic that distinguishes h u m a n be-
i n g s f r o m o t h e r c r e a t u r e s i s t h e relatively l a r g e size o f o u r b r a i n ,
c o m p a r e d t o o u r overall b o d y w e i g h t . ( T h e e x c e p t i o n s a r e w h a l e s
a n d dolphins. They have larger brains in p r o p o r t i o n to their
bodies t h a n p e o p l e d o , which is o n e reason m a n y animal rights
activists a r e v e h e m e n t i n t h e i r m i s s i o n t o p r o t e c t t h e s e s p e c i e s ;
t h e y b e l i e v e w h a l e s a n d d o l p h i n s may, i n fact, b e s m a r t e r t h a n
w e a r e i n s o m e ways.)
W h e t h e r i n h u m a n s o r o t h e r m a m m a l s , t h e b r a i n consists
of three c o m p o n e n t s — t h e old brain, the midbrain, a n d the
n e w brain. Each has u n i q u e functions in t h e o r c h e s t r a of or-
g a n s t h a t w o r k i n u n i s o n t o k e e p u s alive.
T h e old b r a i n — w h i c h is also called t h e reptilian b r a i n —
l o o k s little d i f f e r e n t i n h u m a n s t h a n i t d o e s i n w o r m s . A t t h e
t o p of o u r spinal cord, we have an elongated bulge that's called
the medulla oblongata. T h r o u g h o u t the brain are collections
o f n e r v e cells c a l l e d n e u r a l c e n t e r s . I n t h e o l d b r a i n t h e s e c e n -
ters serve t h e p u r p o s e of m o n i t o r i n g physiological n e e d s , such
as controlling o u r respiration, h e a r t rate, sleep, appetite, a n d
o t h e r very b a s i c b u t p r i m i t i v e f u n c t i o n s .
T h e area known as the midbrain is larger a n d m o r e com-
plex. T h e n e u r a l centers of the m i d b r a i n are involved in t h e
governance and in the production of emotions, and neurosur-
g e o n s have actually m a p p e d o u t t h e locations of these centers.
W i t h a h u m a n b e i n g lying o n a n o p e r a t i n g t a b l e u n d e r l o c a l
anesthesia, they can insert e l e c t r o d e s or very fine n e e d l e s i n t o
t h e b r a i n , f r o m t h e t i p o f w h i c h t h e y c a n d e l i v e r a millivolt o f
e l e c t r i c a l c u r r e n t a n d a c t u a l l y p r o d u c e specific e m o t i o n s s u c h
as anger, euphoria, a n d even depression.
T h e n e w b r a i n consists mostly of o u r c e r e b r a l cortex,
w h i c h i s also i n v o l v e d i n p r i m i t i v e activities i n c l u d i n g i n s t i n c t s
a n d locomotion. T h e biggest difference between us h u m a n s
a n d t h e o t h e r m a m m a l s i s t h e size o f o u r n e w b r a i n , a n d specif-
ically o f t h a t p a r t k n o w n a s t h e f r o n t a l l o b e s . T h e d i r e c t i o n o f
h u m a n evolution has been primarily in the growth of the
f r o n t a l l o b e s . T h e s e l o b e s a r e i n v o l v e d i n o u r ability t o m a k e
judgments, a n d it is here that the processing of information—
thinking—primarily takes place.
J u s t a s o u r c a p a c i t y for l e a r n i n g d e p e n d s o n t h i n k i n g , o u r
c a p a c i t y f o r t h i n k i n g well d e p e n d s o n l e a r n i n g . S o a n o t h e r c e n -
tral f a c t o r t h a t d i s t i n g u i s h e s h u m a n b e i n g s f r o m o t h e r c r e a -
t u r e s i s r e l a t e d t o o u r ability t o l e a r n . W h i l e w e h a v e i n s t i n c t s
like o t h e r a n i m a l s ' , t h e y d o n ' t always a u t o m a t i c a l l y g o v e r n o u r
b e h a v i o r t o a s g r e a t a d e g r e e . T h i s f a c t o r gives u s f r e e will.
We've b e e n e n d o w e d with t h e c o m b i n a t i o n of these frontal
l o b e s a n d f r e e d o m , w h i c h e n a b l e s u s t o l e a r n t h r o u g h o u t a life-
time.
Compared to that of other mammals, the period of our
c h i l d h o o d d e p e n d e n c y i s m u c h l o n g e r r e l a t i v e t o o u r t o t a l life
span. Given o u r relative lack of instincts, we n e e d t h a t time to
learn before we are able to b r a n c h out on o u r own. L e a r n i n g is
c r u c i a l t o o u r ability t o g r o w i n a w a r e n e s s , t o t h i n k i n d e p e n -
dently, a n d t o m a s t e r t h e k n o w l e d g e n e c e s s a r y f o r s u r v i v i n g a n d
t h r i v i n g in life.
W h e n w e a r e y o u n g , o u r d e p e n d e n c y o n t h o s e w h o raise
u s s h a p e s o u r t h i n k i n g a n d w h a t w e learn. A n d given o u r
l e n g t h y d e p e n d e n c e , w e a r e a t risk o f d e v e l o p i n g t h i n k i n g p a t -
terns that may b e c o m e ingrained, even seemingly irreversible.
I f w e h a v e a d u l t s i n o u r y o u n g lives w h o h e l p u s l e a r n t o t h i n k
well, w e b e n e f i t i n a m u l t i t u d e o f ways. I f w e h a v e a d u l t s i n o u r
y o u n g lives w h o s e o w n t h i n k i n g i s s u s p e c t , d i s o r d e r e d , o r o t h e r -
wise l i m i t e d , o u r t h i n k i n g will b e i m p a i r e d b y w h a t w e l e a r n a n d
don't learn from them. But it would be nonsense to presume

that we are d o o m e d . As adults, we no longer have to d e p e n d on
o t h e r s t o tell u s w h a t t o t h i n k o r d o .
T h e r e is a distinction between healthy a n d unhealthy de-
p e n d e n c y . In The Road Less Traveled, I w r o t e t h a t d e p e n d e n c y in
physically h e a l t h y a d u l t s is p a t h o l o g i c a l — i t is sick, always a
m a n i f e s t a t i o n o f a m e n t a l illness o r d e f e c t . I t i s t o b e d i s t i n -
guished, however, from w h a t are c o m m o n l y referred to as de-
p e n d e n c y n e e d s o r f e e l i n g s . W e a l l — e a c h a n d every o n e o f u s ,
e v e n i f w e try t o p r e t e n d t o o t h e r s a n d t o o u r s e l v e s t h a t w e
d o n ' t — h a v e d e p e n d e n c y n e e d s a n d feelings. W e have desires
t o b e b a b i e d , t o b e n u r t u r e d w i t h o u t effort o n o u r p a r t , t o b e
c a r e d for b y p e r s o n s w h o a r e s t r o n g e r t h a n w e a r e a n d have o u r
i n t e r e s t s t r u l y a t h e a r t . B u t f o r m o s t o f u s t h e s e d e s i r e s o r feel-
i n g s d o n o t r u l e o u r lives; t h e y a r e n o t t h e p r e d o m i n a n t t h e m e
o f o u r e x i s t e n c e . W h e n t h e y d o r u l e o u r lives a n d d i c t a t e t h e
quality of o u r existence, we are suffering from a psychiatric
illness c o m m o n l y k n o w n a s passive d e p e n d e n t p e r s o n a l i t y dis-
o r d e r . S u c h d e p e n d e n c y is, a t r o o t , a d i s o r d e r r e l a t e d t o t h i n k -
ing—specifically, a r e s i s t a n c e to t h i n k i n g f o r o u r s e l v e s .
Just as the myriad of disorders that stem from resistance to
t h i n k i n g a r e c o m p l e x , s o also i s t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p b e t w e e n t h e s e
disorders a n d o u r complex brain. O n e particularly exciting
a r e a of r e s e a r c h has s h e d s o m e light on aspects of this relation-
s h i p . I n t h e last t w e n t y y e a r s , a m a j o r b r e a k t h r o u g h c a m e a b o u t
as a result of split-brain r e s e a r c h e x a m i n i n g m o r e d e e p l y t h e
w e l l - k n o w n fact t h a t t h e n e w b r a i n i s d i v i d e d i n t o a r i g h t a n d a
left half. A b o d y o f f i b e r s o r w h i t e m a t t e r , t h e c o r p u s c a l l o s u m ,
c o n n e c t s t h e s e two h e m i s p h e r e s . I t i s n o w b e l i e v e d t h a t t h e left
b r a i n i s o u r d e d u c t i v e b r a i n a n d t h e r i g h t b r a i n i s p r i m a r i l y in-
volved in inductive r e a s o n i n g . T h e s e p a t t e r n s a r e n o t total ab-
s o l u t e s , b u t m o r e o r less i n d i c a t e t e n d e n c i e s .
S o m e p e o p l e w i t h e p i l e p s y h a v e b e e n t r e a t e d a n d a few
c u r e d b y s e v e r i n g this c o n n e c t i o n b e t w e e n t h e two h a l v e s o f t h e
b r a i n . L a t e r , t h e s e " s p l i t - b r a i n " p a t i e n t s w e r e scientifically s t u d -
i e d , a n d a v e r y d r a m a t i c s t u d y s h o w e d t h a t i f y o u c o v e r t h e eye
o f s o m e o n e w h o s e b r a i n h a s b e e n s e v e r e d s o t h a t visual i n f o r -
m a t i o n g e t s o n l y t o t h e left b r a i n , a n d y o u s h o w h i m , f o r in-
s t a n c e , a n e l e c t r i c a l h e a t e r , h i s d e s c r i p t i o n o f t h e o b j e c t will b e
very specific a n d t e l l i n g . H e ' l l likely say, "Well, it's a b o x w i t h a
c o r d a n d f i l a m e n t s h e a t e d u p b y electricity." A n d h e ' l l g o o n t o
describe various c o m p o n e n t parts with s t u n n i n g accuracy. But
he won't be able to n a m e the appliance. On the other h a n d , if
y o u f e e d i n f o r m a t i o n o n l y t o t h e r i g h t s i d e o f h i s b r a i n , h e will
be able to n a m e the appliance b u t won't be able to explain why
it is w h a t it is.
T h e c r u x o f s p l i t - b r a i n r e s e a r c h h a s s h o w n t h a t t h e left s i d e
i s t h e a n a l y t i c a l b r a i n , w i t h t h e ability t o t a k e w h o l e s a n d b r e a k
t h e m up i n t o pieces, while t h e right side is t h e intuitive b r a i n
w i t h t h e ability t o t a k e p i e c e s a n d m a k e s w h o l e s o u t o f t h e m . A s
h u m a n b e i n g s , w e h a v e t h e ability t o l e a r n b o t h o f t h e s e two p r i -
m a r y types o f t h i n k i n g : c o n c r e t e a n d abstract. C o n c r e t e think-
ing deals with particulars in their material form. Abstract
thinking deals with particulars in general a n d theoretical terms.
T h e results of split-brain research are o n e r e a s o n it has
b e e n s u g g e s t e d t h a t g e n d e r d i f f e r e n c e s g o b e y o n d m e r e social
conditioning. W o m e n seem to be m o r e right-brained a n d m e n
m o r e left-brained. T h a t ' s why in matters involving sex a n d ro-
m a n c e , m e n s e e m m o r e likely t o b e i n t e r e s t e d i n p a r t s , s u c h a s
b r e a s t s , legs, a n d p e n i s e s . W o m e n t e n d t o b e m o r e i n t e r e s t e d i n
the whole picture, w h i c h m i g h t i n c l u d e n o t only sexual stimuli
b u t also a n i g h t o u t w i t h c a n d l e l i g h t d i n n e r . T h e r e f o r e , i n t h e
b a t t l e o f t h e s e x e s , w o m e n f r e q u e n t l y h a v e difficulty u n d e r -
s t a n d i n g w h y m e n a r e s o f o c u s e d o n t h e s e silly c o n c r e t e physi-
cal p a r t s a n d m e n likewise h a v e difficulty u n d e r s t a n d i n g w h y
w o m e n m i g h t w a n t t o w a s t e t i m e w i t h all this r o m a n t i c c a n d l e -
l i g h t stuff b e f o r e g e t t i n g d o w n t o t h e " r e a l b u s i n e s s . "
T h e r e s e a r c h o n split b r a i n s r e p r e s e n t s , I b e l i e v e , t h e m o s t
formidable advance in the field of epistemology, suggesting
t h a t w e h a v e a t l e a s t two ways o f k n o w i n g , a n d t h a t o b v i o u s l y w e
will k n o w t h i n g s b e t t e r i f w e u s e b o t h left-brain a n d r i g h t - b r a i n
thinking. T h a t ' s why I ' m a great p r o p o n e n t of a n d r o g y n o u s
thinking. Being androgynous does n o t imply that s o m e o n e is
desexed. M e n d o n o t lose their masculinity a n d w o m e n d o n o t
l o s e t h e i r f e m i n i n i t y i f t h e y a r e a n d r o g y n o u s . R a t h e r , t h e y dis-
play t h e c h a r a c t e r i s t i c s o f b o t h s e x e s . T h i n k i n g , i n t h a t s e n s e ,
w o u l d i m p l y t h e ability t o u s e b o t h sides o f t h e b r a i n t o i n t e -
grate c o n c r e t e a n d abstract realities.
In The Friendly Snowflake, t h e m a i n c h a r a c t e r , J e n n y , e p i t o -
mizes s o m e o n e w h o is a n d r o g y n o u s . She uses these dual aspects
of h e r t h i n k i n g capabilities as she considers the relevance that
t h e m y s t e r i o u s p r e s e n c e o f a f r i e n d l y s n o w f l a k e h a s i n h e r life.
H e r b r o t h e r , D e n n i s , o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , i s s t e r e o t y p i c a l l y left-
brain-oriented. H e i s very m u c h h o o k e d o n analytical a n d con-
c r e t e facts a n d h a s less t a s t e f o r mystery, w h i c h m a k e s h i s vision
narrower.
T h e a n c i e n t S u m e r i a n s , I am told, h a d a basic rule for
g u i d i n g their t h i n k i n g n o t unlike split-brain theory. With re-
g a r d t o any i m p o r t a n t decisions t o b e m a d e (usually a b o u t
w h e t h e r o r n o t t o g o t o w a r w i t h t h e B a b y l o n i a n s ) , t h e y literally
h a d t o t h i n k twice. I f t h e f i r s t d e c i s i o n h a d b e e n a r r i v e d a t w h e n
they were d r u n k , it h a d to be reconsidered w h e n they were
s o b e r . If, w h e n d r u n k , t h e y said, " L e t ' s g o g e t t h o s e B a b y l o n i -
a n s , " t h e n later, i n t h e clear, c o o l l i g h t o f day, i t m i g h t n o t l o o k
like s u c h a s m a r t d e c i s i o n . C o n v e r s e l y , i f t h e y w e r e c o l d s o b e r
w h e n they d e c i d e d t h a t it w o u l d be strategically clever to b e a t
u p t h e B a b y l o n i a n s , t h e y h e l d off a n d said, "First let's d r i n k
some wine." Drunk, they might c o m e to the conclusion that
" t h e r e ' s n o n e e d t o g o t o w a r w i t h t h e m . H e l l , w e love t h e Baby-
lonians."
F o r all t h e y l a c k e d i n m o d e r n t e c h n o l o g y , t h e S u m e r i a n s
h a d the right a p p r o a c h . A n d there's no reason why we s h o u l d n ' t
be able to t h i n k reasonably in this day a n d age. Unless t h e r e is
brain d a m a g e as a result of surgery or a t u m o r or o t h e r disease,
we have these w o n d e r f u l frontal lobes at o u r disposal. But that
d o e s n ' t m e a n p e o p l e will u s e t h e m , m u c h less u s e t h e m t o t h e i r
fullest capacity. I n d e e d , b r a i n d a m a g e i s n ' t t h e o n l y f a c t o r c o n -
t r i b u t i n g t o t h i n k i n g i r r a t i o n a l l y o r n o t a t all. I t i s t h e l e a s t o f
t h e f a c t o r s . A m o n g o t h e r s , t h e r e a r e p r o f o u n d ways i n w h i c h so-
ciety a c t u a l l y d i s c o u r a g e s u s f r o m u s i n g o u r f r o n t a l l o b e s , p r o -
m o t i n g o n e - d i m e n s i o n a l , s i m p l i s t i c t h i n k i n g a s t h e n o r m a l way
of functioning.
SIMPLISM AND SOCIETY
Everywhere we t u r n , t h e e v i d e n c e is a s t o u n d i n g . Simplistic
t h i n k i n g has b e c o m e so p a n d e m i c in society t h a t it is consid-
ered normal and conventional wisdom a m o n g some segments
o f t h e p o p u l a t i o n . R e c e n t e x a m p l e s o f this r a m p a n t s i m p l i s m
w e r e e v i d e n t i n t h e c o m m e n t s o f two N o r t h C a r o l i n a p o l i t i -
cians. Representative H e n r y A l d r i d g e o f Pitt C o u n t y m a d e t h e
simple-minded statement that w o m e n who are raped don't get
p r e g n a n t b e c a u s e " t h e j u i c e s d o n ' t flow, t h e b o d y f u n c t i o n s
d o n ' t work" d u r i n g an attack, as if to whitewash this h o r r i b l e
crime of violation. U.S. Senator Jesse H e l m s , in a r g u i n g why he
w a n t e d to r e d u c e federal f u n d i n g for AIDS r e s e a r c h , said t h a t
h e saw n o r e a s o n t o p r o v i d e a d e q u a t e r e s o u r c e s b e c a u s e t h e
d i s e a s e i s b r o u g h t o n b y t h e " d e l i b e r a t e , d i s g u s t i n g a n d revolt-
i n g c o n d u c t " o f t h o s e w h o a r e gay. T h e reality i s t h a t i n a d d i t i o n
t o b e i n g sexually t r a n s m i t t e d — a m o n g b o t h h o m o s e x u a l s a n d
heterosexuals—AIDS has b e e n transmitted t h r o u g h b l o o d trans-
fusions, t o n e w b o r n b a b i e s t h r o u g h m o t h e r s i n f e c t e d w i t h t h e
virus, a n d t o h e a l t h c a r e w o r k e r s w h o w e r e a c c i d e n t a l l y p r i c k e d
by i m p r o p e r l y sterilized n e e d l e s u s e d on infected patients.
T h u s , H e l m s ' c o m m e n t s m a c k s n o t o n l y o f b i g o t r y b u t o f sim-
p l i s m as well.
V a r i o u s i n s t i t u t i o n s o f society, i n t h e i r f a i l u r e t o t e a c h o r
d e m o n s t r a t e h o w t o t h i n k well, set p e o p l e u p f o r t h i n k i n g sim-
plistically. Typically, t h i s f a i l u r e i s f o u n d a m o n g t h e m o s t i m -
m e n s e l y i n f l u e n t i a l i n s t i t u t i o n s o f society i n c l u d i n g , m o r e o f t e n
t h a n n o t , t h e family, t h e c h u r c h , a n d t h e m a s s m e d i a . G i v e n
t h a t t h e y h a v e t h e g r e a t e s t i m p a c t o n o u r lives, t h e d e c e p t i v e
m e s s a g e s t h e y i m p a r t t o u s a b o u t w h a t ' s i m p o r t a n t i n life c a n -
n o t b e t a k e n lightly. B e c a u s e t h e y a r e o u r c u l t u r a l l e a d e r s i n
p o r t r a y i n g c e r t a i n ways o f t h i n k i n g a n d living a s t r u t h , t h e s e in-
s t i t u t i o n s h a v e t h e p o w e r t o fool a n d m a n i p u l a t e u s . T h e y o f t e n
unwittingly p r o m o t e half-truths—sometimes even blatant lies—
u n d e r t h e g u i s e o f c u l t u r a l i d e a s t h a t w e ' v e t a k e n for g r a n t e d t o
b e " n o r m a l . " O n t h e basis o f c u l t u r a l n o r m s , w e u s u a l l y a s s u m e
t h a t i f e v e r y o n e i s t h i n k i n g this o r d o i n g t h a t , i t m u s t b e n o r m a l
a n d correct.
Such n o r m s include n o t only notions a b o u t what should be
t h e g o o d life a n d w h a t s h o u l d b e a c c e p t a b l e , b u t a l s o w h a t
s h o u l d b e c o n s i d e r e d b a d o r i n a p p r o p r i a t e . T h e r e a r e positive
norms, of course, such as those that p r o m o t e the work ethic
a n d e n c o u r a g e civility i n o u r e n c o u n t e r s w i t h e a c h o t h e r . B u t
these positive n o r m s a r e n o t t h e p r o b l e m . T h e n o r m s that cre-
a t e c u l t u r a l c h a o s a r e t h e o n e s w e m u s t r e t h i n k . I call t h e m n e g -
ative n o r m s , a n d f r e q u e n t l y , t h e y a r e d r e s s e d u p a n d m a d e t o
look a n d s o u n d pretty. B u t w h e n y o u g o b e n e a t h t h e surface,
you'll find they are negative precisely because they discourage
o u r g r o w t h . T h e y a r e b a s e d o n h a l f - t r u t h s a n d o u t r i g h t lies t h a t
serve to m a n i p u l a t e a n d h o l d us h o s t a g e psychologically a n d
spiritually.
In People of the Lie, I i n d i c a t e d t h a t lies c r e a t e c o n f u s i o n . B e -
c a u s e o f t h e difficulty i n s t i t u t i o n s w o u l d h a v e i f t h e y w e r e t o e n -
d o r s e b l a t a n t lies, t h e y u s u a l l y m a n i p u l a t e p e o p l e b y p r o m o t i n g
h a l f - t r u t h s . It is a m o r e s e d u c t i v e a p p r o a c h , b u t a h a l f - t r u t h ,
w h i c h u s u a l l y l o o k s a n d s o u n d s t r u e b u t really i s n ' t , i s likely t o
p r o d u c e even greater confusion. I n d e e d , as the English p o e t
A l f r e d , L o r d T e n n y s o n w r o t e : "A lie w h i c h is h a l f a t r u t h is e v e r
t h e b l a c k e s t o f lies."
T h e b i g g e s t lie p r o m o t e d b y v a r i o u s o f o u r social i n s t i t u -
t i o n s — a n d this i n s o m e ways plays i n t o o u r h u m a n n a t u r e a n d
o u r sin o f l a z i n e s s — i s t h a t w e ' r e h e r e t o b e h a p p y all t h e t i m e .
We're b o m b a r d e d by business, t h e media, a n d the c h u r c h with
t h e lie t h a t w e ' r e h e r e t o b e h a p p y , fulfilled, a n d c o m f o r t a b l e .
F o r m o t i v e s o f p r o f i t , t h e lies o f m a t e r i a l i s m a n d a d v e r t i s i n g
s u g g e s t t h a t i f w e ' r e n o t h a p p y , c o m f o r t a b l e , a n d fulfilled, w e
m u s t b e e a t i n g t h e w r o n g c e r e a l o r d r i v i n g t h e w r o n g car. O r
that we m u s t n o t have it right with G o d . H o w wicked! T h e t r u t h
is that o u r finest m o m e n t s , m o r e often t h a n not, o c c u r precisely
when we are uncomfortable, w h e n we're n o t feeling h a p p y or

fulfilled, w h e n w e ' r e s t r u g g l i n g a n d s e a r c h i n g .
I n this b o m b a r d m e n t o f o n e - d i m e n s i o n a l t h i n k i n g , w e ' r e
t o l d i n c l e a r b u t s u b t l e ways a b o u t w h a t i s e x p e c t e d o f u s i n or-
d e r t o fit i n t o society. W e a r e d i s c o u r a g e d f r o m q u e s t i o n i n g o r
s o r t i n g t h r o u g h , m u c h less c o n f r o n t i n g , t h e lies i n h e r e n t i n
materialism. If we w a n t to be s e e n as n o r m a l , we a r e simply ex-
p e c t e d to go a l o n g to get along. But it is n o t simply a m a t t e r of
o u r b e i n g d u m p e d o n . F r e q u e n t l y , w e willingly g o a l o n g w i t h
t h e lies. O u r l a z i n e s s — o u r n a t u r a l i d o l a t r y o f e a s e a n d c o m -
fort—makes us co-conspirators with the mass media.
O f course p e o p l e are different, b u t m a n y m a k e u p their
m i n d s — e v e n a b o u t i m p o r t a n t i s s u e s — o n t h e basis o f v e r y little
i n f o r m a t i o n e x c e p t w h a t s o c i e t y tells t h e m i s " n o r m a l . " G i v e n a
c h o i c e , m o s t o p t n o t t o t h i n k t h i n g s t h r o u g h . T h e y t a k e t h e lazy
way o u t , b u y i n g i n t o s i m p l i s t i c a s s u m p t i o n s a n d s t e r e o t y p e s . I n
t h e q u e s t t o feel t h e y fit i n , t h e y fall p r e y t o m a s s - m e d i a lies a n d
m a n i p u l a t i o n s in o r d e r to believe they are n o t that different
f r o m t h e i r n e i g h b o r s o r s o t h e y c a n feel t h e y ' r e k e e p i n g u p
with t h e J o n e s e s . T h e y feel c o m p e l l e d t o b u y t h e c e r e a l s a d v e r -
tisers say will m a k e t h e m h e a l t h y a n d fit, w i t h o u t q u e s t i o n i n g
t h e validity o f s u c h c l a i m s . T h e y b a s e t h e i r s e n s e o f w o r t h p r i -
marily on t h e p u r c h a s e of luxury cars a n d o t h e r amenities they
c a n n o t afford, e v e n t h o u g h i t will p u t t h e m i n f i n a n c i a l s t r a i n
with l o n g - t e r m d e b t .
M a n y g o a l o n g with negative n o r m s even t h o u g h a n i n n e r
g n a w i n g tells t h e m s o m e t h i n g i s s u s p e c t . I t i s q u i t e c o m m o n f o r
t h o s e w h o a r e circles, s o t o s p e a k , t o a t t e m p t t o f o r c e t h e m -
selves t o f i t i n t o t h e s q u a r e p e g s o f c u l t u r a l p a t t e r n s . T h e y a r e
unwilling to challenge n o r m s , in part to avoid paying the price
of unpopularity, of b e i n g viewed as outcasts w h o are s o m e h o w
a b n o r m a l . T h e y u s u a l l y live t o r e g r e t it. H a v i n g e s t a b l i s h e d a
solid c a r e e r b y t h e a g e o f thirty-five, b u t still s i n g l e , Sally i s u n -
d e r g r e a t social p r e s s u r e t o m a r r y t h e n e x t m a n w h o c o m e s
a l o n g . G i v e n society's s u s p i c i o n s a n d c r i t i c i s m o f " o l d m a i d s , "
s h e s u c c u m b s w i t h o u t t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h e issues m o r e r a d i c a l l y
a n d f o r herself. B u t Sally y e a r s l a t e r m a y c o m e t o k n o w t h a t s h e
should have followed h e r own h u n c h e s a b o u t getting m a r r i e d .

L a i d off i n a c o r p o r a t e d o w n s i z i n g w h e n h e i s f i f t y - f i v e , a m a n
like Bill m a y f i n d h i m s e l f i n d e e p r e g r e t t h a t h e b y p a s s e d t h e
o p p o r t u n i t y t o p u r s u e t h e c a r e e r h e always w a n t e d i n n u r s i n g
and instead b o u g h t into the company-man image as the n o r m .
M e n i n o u r society e x p e r i e n c e t r e m e n d o u s p r e s s u r e t o p r o v e
t h e i r m a s c u l i n i t y t h r o u g h t h e i r i n c o m e . B u t Bill lost o u t b y n o t
d a r i n g to be different.
M e d i a i m a g e s a r e rife w i t h r i g i d c o n c e p t s a b o u t o u r h u -
manity. T h e fiftyish w o m a n w h o can't relinquish h e r i m a g e as
f o r e v e r t h i r t y will m a k e h e r s e l f m i s e r a b l e t o m a i n t a i n h e r al-
l i a n c e w i t h s i m p l i s m , a n d i n t h e p r o c e s s c i r c u m v e n t t h e possi-
bility o f f i n d i n g g r a c e i n t h e a g i n g p r o c e s s . W h i l e this m a y b e
easily d i s m i s s e d a s b e i n g her p r o b l e m , i t i s i m p o r t a n t t o r e c o g -
nize that this w o m a n is n o t a l o n e . T h e negative n o r m in o u r ad-
vertising directly or indirectly suggests that w o m e n a r e primarily
sexual objects w h o lose t h e i r value as they age. T h e valuable
male in o u r advertising is the o n e w h o makes money. In part be-
c a u s e o f t h e s i m p l i s m i n h e r e n t i n sexist t h i n k i n g , m a n y a m a n
d e e m s his w o r k outside t h e h o m e e x p o n e n t i a l l y m o r e i m p o r -
t a n t t h a n h i s wife's h o m e m a k i n g skills i n o r d e r t o b o o s t h i s self-
i m a g e , d e s p i t e t h e t e n s i o n s i t c r e a t e s t o u p h o l d h i s flawed
a s s u m p t i o n s . R a t h e r t h a n u p d a t e t h e i r vision, b o t h m e n a n d
w o m e n i n o u r society e n g a g e i n s i m p l i s t i c t h i n k i n g i n o r d e r t o
conform to negative n o r m s .
W e m a y feel s o m e w h a t like h o s t a g e s i n this p r e d i c a m e n t .
We are caught between the d e m a n d s of conformity on the o n e
h a n d , w h i l e o n t h e o t h e r , g i v e n o u r f r e e will, w e c a n d e c i d e t h a t
i t i s i n o u r b e s t i n t e r e s t t o rise a b o v e c o n v e n t i o n a l g r o u p - t h i n k .
W e h a v e t h e ability t o t h i n k i n d e p e n d e n t l y a b o u t i m p o r t a n t is-
s u e s r a t h e r t h a n l e a d m a n y a s p e c t s o f o u r lives i n a c c o r d a n c e
w i t h t h e simplistic t e n e t s o f society. G r a n t e d , i t t a k e s effort t o
sort t h r o u g h what we s h o u l d a n d s h o u l d n ' t believe. W h e n we
d e n y ourselves autonomy, it is no w o n d e r we b e c o m e confused
a n d u n c o m f o r t a b l e . B u t w h e n w e use simplistic formulas b a s e d
on the "normal"—or fashionable—thing to do, internal if not
e x t e r n a l chaos is the usual result.
WHAT'S IN FASHION ISN'T NECESSARILY FASHIONABLE
T h e extensive influence of fashion in o u r culture often leads

to c o n f o r m i t y t h r o u g h simplistic t h i n k i n g . We a r e a fashion-
o b s e s s e d c u l t u r e , w h e t h e r t h e f a s h i o n o f t h e d a y involves w h a t
t o wear, w h a t k i n d o f m u s i c t o listen t o , o r w h i c h p o l i t i c a l i d e o l -
ogy t o s u b s c r i b e t o a t t h e m o m e n t . O u r i n c r e d i b l e e m p h a s i s o n
fashion discourages p e o p l e from thinking i n d e p e n d e n t l y a n d
e n c o u r a g e s c o n v e n t i o n a l t h i n k i n g in a c c o r d a n c e with generally
a c c e p t e d views a n d s t e r e o t y p e s . S u c h t h i n k i n g m a y b o r d e r o n
t h e i r r a t i o n a l o r c r o s s t h e l i n e i n t o insanity, a s i t d i d f o r o u r n a -
tion in Vietnam.
We have an obligation to c o n f r o n t o u r simplistic t h i n k i n g
about what being "normal" should mean: an obligation to use
critical t h i n k i n g . T h i n k , f o r i n s t a n c e , a b o u t o u r C o n s t i t u t i o n .
F o r c l o s e to a c e n t u r y , it c o u n t e d a slave as three-fifths of a p e r -
s o n . T h a t was f u n d a m e n t a l l y crazy. T h e r e ' s n o s u c h t h i n g a s a
fifth of a p e r s o n . Either y o u ' r e a p e r s o n or y o u ' r e not. While it
m a y h a v e b e e n f a s h i o n a b l e — a w o r k a b l e p o l i t i c a l a n d social
c o m p r o m i s e at t h e t i m e — t h i s a n o m a l y wasn't seriously ques-
t i o n e d for d e c a d e s .
T o u s e critical t h i n k i n g d o e s n ' t s u g g e s t t h a t e v e r y o n e m u s t
b e c o m e a w a l k i n g e n c y c l o p e d i a . I t d o e s n ' t m e a n w e all h a v e t o
k n o w e v e r y t h i n g a b o u t t h e Dred Scott d e c i s i o n , f o r e x a m p l e . B u t
w e h a v e a n o b l i g a t i o n t o study, l e a r n , a n d t h i n k a b o u t t h o s e
things that are of high i m p o r t a n c e . O n e of t h e most crucial
skills o f critical t h i n k i n g i s t h a t o f d e c i d i n g w h a t i s e s s e n t i a l t o
t h i n k o r l e a r n a b o u t , a n d w h a t i s n o n e s s e n t i a l . A n d w e m u s t ac-
k n o w l e d g e t h e g a p s i n o u r o w n k n o w l e d g e , r a t h e r t h a n feel
c o m p e l l e d t o let p r i d e , fear, o r laziness l u r e u s i n t o a s s u m i n g
t h e r o l e o f know-it-all.
ASSUMPTIONS, STEREOTYPES, AND LABELING
To assume we know everything, a n d particularly s o m e t h i n g we

d o n ' t really k n o w , is, a s t h e o l d s a y i n g g o e s , t o m a k e a n ass o u t
o f y o u a n d m e . T h e s i m p l i s m o f a s s u m p t i o n s i s a way o f life f o r
s o m e . T h e r e a r e p e o p l e w h o a s s u m e t h e i r way o f t h i n k i n g —
w h e t h e r it's a b o u t a w o m a n ' s r i g h t t o a b o r t i o n o r a b o u t p r a y e r
i n s c h o o l s — h a s t o b e "always r i g h t , " d e s p i t e a n y e v i d e n c e t o t h e
c o n t r a r y . W h e n i t involves a p r e c a r i o u s n e e d t o p r e s e r v e t h e i r
o w n false s e n s e o f i n t e g r i t y a n d dignity, t h e i r self-image b e -
comes cloaked in assumptions of righteousness. They can't—
w o n ' t — c o n s i d e r a l t e r n a t i v e s . P e r h a p s i t w o u l d feel a l m o s t like
d e a t h to do so, to let go of their simplism.
S o m e of the most c o m m o n — a n d often destructive—as-
s u m p t i o n s are based on stereotypes a b o u t ourselves a n d o t h e r
p e o p l e . S t e r e o t y p i n g typically involves l a b e l i n g a n d c a t e g o r i z -
ing people and things in a simpleminded manner, then making
j u d g m e n t s o n t h e basis o f t h e a s s u m p t i o n s w e a t t a c h t o t h e s e
categories. Such assumptions often prove to be misleading. T h e
h e r o of my n o v e l In Heaven as on Earth starts off a s s u m i n g t h a t
t h e r e will b e n o m y s t e r y i n h e a v e n ; e v e r y t h i n g will b e b l a n d ,
straightforward, a n d clear-cut. T o his surprise, h e f i n d s t h a t
h e a v e n — l i k e e a r t h — c o n s i s t s o f a complex m a z e o f s u r p r i s e s ,
twists, a n d t u r n s r a t h e r t h a n s o m e simplistic Utopia.
M a n y m a k e j u d g m e n t s a b o u t o t h e r s o n t h e basis o f la-
bels—for e x a m p l e , associating liberals with b l e e d i n g hearts a n d
conservatives with t h e righteously rigid. Racial a n d e t h n i c labels
a r e rife w i t h o f t e n m i s l e a d i n g a s s u m p t i o n s a b o u t t h e c h a r a c t e r s
of individuals w h o are identified with these g r o u p s . A Jewish
p e r s o n ' s political disposition may be incorrectly perceived by
s o m e o n t h e basis o f c a t e g o r i e s d i v i d i n g J u d a i s m i n t o O r t h o -
dox, Conservative, a n d Reform camps. Used-car salesmen are
j u d g e d b y s o m e t o b e sleazy o r u n s c r u p u l o u s , t h u s u n d e r m i n -
ing the reputation of the many hardworking salesmen whose
c h a r a c t e r s a r e a b o v e r e p r o a c h . A n d t h e r e i s a c o m m o n as-
s u m p t i o n t h a t a n y o n e w h o o p e n l y calls h i m s e l f a C h r i s t i a n
m u s t b e a f u n d a m e n t a l i s t , o r t h a t a n y o n e w h o calls h i m s e l f ag-
nostic m u s t n o t b e spiritually m a t u r e .
While some stereotypes may have a grain of truth to them,
f r e q u e n t l y t h e y a r e t o o s i m p l i s t i c t o c a p t u r e t h e s u b t l e differ-
e n c e s , a s well a s t h e s i m i l a r i t i e s , i n m a k i n g c o m p a r i s o n s a n d
j u d g m e n t s . W h e n e x t r e m e , t h e y m a y f o r m t h e basis o f a s s u m p -
t i o n s t h a t a r e u s e d t o b r i n g a b o u t o r justify p o t e n t i a l l y d e s t r u c -
tive a c t i o n s .
O n e o f t h e m a i n d y n a m i c s o f m y m u r d e r mystery, A Bed b y
the Window, is t h e s t e r e o t y p i c a l t h i n k i n g of a y o u n g d e t e c t i v e .
O n t h e basis o f h i s m a n y a s s u m p t i o n s , L i e u t e n a n t P e t r i m a k e s a
host of errors in thinking a n d j u d g m e n t that lead him to c o m e
perilously close to arresting t h e w r o n g p e r s o n . His first assump-
tion leads h i m to n a r r o w his investigation to o n e female n u r s e
simply b e c a u s e s h e h a d b e e n sexually involved with t h e m u r d e r
victim. H i s s e c o n d a s s u m p t i o n i s b e l i e v i n g t h a t this w o m a n
c o u l d n ' t possibly h a v e l o v e d t h e v i c t i m b e c a u s e h e was s o p h y s -
ically d e f o r m e d , e v e n t h o u g h s h e i n fact c a r e d d e e p l y f o r h i m .
And because m o r e people at the nursing h o m e had died dur-
i n g t h e shift t h a t this n u r s e w o r k e d , L i e u t e n a n t P e t r i a s s u m e s
s h e i s a m a s s m u r d e r e r w h o kills p a t i e n t s i n t h e n a m e o f m e r c y .
O n e o f t h e m o s t cynical a s s u m p t i o n s e s p o u s e d b y L i e u -
t e n a n t P e t r i also t u r n s o u t t o b e t h e m o s t b l i n d i n g . H e b e l i e v e s
that p e o p l e in nursing h o m e s w h o are senile can never think.
As a result, he dismisses subtle leads, overlooks significant clues,
a n d neglects i m p o r t a n t aspects of his e x p e r i e n c e s in c o n n e c t -
ing with o t h e r s d u r i n g his investigation.
I n his g e n e r i c stereotypes a b o u t p e o p l e i n n u r s i n g h o m e s ,
t h e c h a r a c t e r i s m o d e l e d a f t e r myself. Initially i n m y o w n p r o -
fessional c a r e e r w h e n I w o r k e d w i t h p a t i e n t s i n a n u r s i n g h o m e ,
I w o r e b l i n d e r s . M y a s s u m p t i o n was t h a t n u r s i n g h o m e s w e r e
m e r e d u m p i n g g r o u n d s f o r t h e living d e a d . O v e r t i m e , w h a t I
f o u n d i n s t e a d was a n e n v i r o n m e n t w i t h v a r i e d d e p t h s , f i l l e d
with i n t e r e s t i n g p e o p l e , h u m o r , love, a n d all o t h e r a s p e c t s o f
h u m a n behavior. As I did t h r o u g h firsthand experience, Lieu-
t e n a n t Petri eventually learns to look b e y o n d the surface. He
g r a d u a l l y h a s h i s eyes o p e n e d t o t h e r e a l i z a t i o n t h a t s i m p l i s t i c
t h i n k i n g o f t e n l e a d s u s d o w n b l i n d alleys.
W e i n d e e d g o d o w n b l i n d alleys w h e n w e rely strictly o n as-
s u m p t i o n s , labels, a n d stereotypes a n d t h i n k a b o u t p e o p l e in a
simplistic way. T o a s s u m e , b e c a u s e I w r i t e a b o u t spirituality, t h a t
I d o n o t h a v e h u m a n failings w o u l d b e a s i m p l i s t i c c o n c l u s i o n .
T o say t h a t s o m e o n e w h o i d e n t i f i e s h i m s e l f a s a C h r i s t i a n m u s t
t h e r e f o r e a u t o m a t i c a l l y b e h o l i e r t h a n all o t h e r s w o u l d b e a n -
o t h e r simplistic a s s u m p t i o n . With religion in particular, t h e r e ' s
a t e n d e n c y for m a n y to use labels a n d a s s u m p t i o n s to validate
t h e i r spirituality. S o m e t h i n k t h a t t h e d e n o m i n a t i o n t o w h i c h
they b e l o n g m u s t be the o n e a n d only route to realizing God.
T h a t is mistaken. G o d d o e s n ' t care as m u c h a b o u t labels as S h e
does about substance.
L a b e l i n g o f p e o p l e a n d t h i n g s always h a s h i d d e n liabilities.
For one, it diminishes and depletes their depth. In my opinion,
t h e a s s u m p t i o n t h a t s o m e o n e w h o i s physically b e a u t i f u l i s also
k i n d e r a n d s m a r t e r t h a n s o m e o n e w h o i s physically d e f o r m e d i s
o n l y t h a t : a n a s s u m p t i o n , n o t a t r u t h . Yet s t u d y a f t e r s t u d y d o n e
o n this s u b j e c t s h o w s t h a t m o s t p e o p l e favor t h o s e w h o a r e
viewed as attractive a n d m o s t often attribute such b e n e v o l e n t
qualities to t h e m .
M a n y a s s u m p t i o n s w e d r a w f r o m l a b e l i n g k e e p life a t t h e
level o f superficiality. W e n e g l e c t t o q u e s t i o n o u r c o n c l u s i o n s . I t
w o u l d , h o w e v e r , b e j u s t a s s i m p l i s t i c t o say t h a t t h e r e ' s n e v e r a n y
g o o d r e a s o n for labeling. Scientists m u s t categorize things to
test t h e o r i e s a n d t o r e p l i c a t e r e s u l t s . T e a c h e r s m u s t r e c o g n i z e
t h a t n o t every seventh-grader is c a p a b l e of b e c o m i n g a g r e a t
writer. P a r e n t s m u s t d i s t i n g u i s h b e t w e e n t h e p e r s o n a l tastes
a n d t e m p e r a m e n t s of their children if they're going to be per-
c e p t i v e e n o u g h t o r e s p o n d t o t h e specific n e e d s o f e a c h c h i l d .
S o l a b e l i n g h a s its p u r p o s e s — l i m i t e d p u r p o s e s . W h e n it's p r o -
d u c t i v e , i t s e r v e s t o h e l p u s m a k e q u i c k , s o m e t i m e s lifesaying
decisions. If y o u ' r e on the street at night a n d b e i n g a p p r o a c h e d
by a m e n a c i n g s t r a n g e r w i t h a g u n , it w o u l d be f o o l i s h to say,
" H m , l e t m e a n a l y z e t h i s b e f o r e I flee."
W e n e e d t o u s e l a b e l s t o size u p s o m e t h i n g s . T h e r e a r e
times w h e n we m u s t m a k e t e m p o r a r y decisions until we have
m o r e information or experience a b o u t a situation or person.
But for t h e m o s t part, we t e n d to label for t h e w r o n g reasons.
W h e n w e u s e l a b e l i n g t o m a k e a s s u m p t i o n s a n d u n j u s t l y dis-
c r i m i n a t e against o t h e r s — o r to m a k e excuses for ourselves—we
infer b r o a d e r qualities a b o u t a p e r s o n or a situation without the
information necessary to s u p p o r t o u r conclusions. Sometimes,

the consequences can be destructive n o t only to others b u t to
ourselves.
COMMON CRIMINAL THINKING
If w e ' r e h o n e s t with ourselves, m o s t of us m u s t a d m i t that at

some time or a n o t h e r we have e n g a g e d in criminal thinking,
w h i c h i s b u t o n e f o r m o f d i s o r d e r e d t h i n k i n g . T h e b u l k o f crit-
ical t h e o r y o n c r i m i n a l t h i n k i n g h a s b e e n d e r i v e d p r i m a r i l y
from p e o p l e w h o are incarcerated or have otherwise b r o k e n
t h e law. B u t t h e r e i s o f t e n a t h i n l i n e s e p a r a t i n g c r i m i n a l s b e -
h i n d bars from t h e rest of us. T h e r e s e a r c h on criminal think-
ing underscores the most c o m m o n patterns of irrational t h o u g h t
that lead to disordered decisions. Most c o m m o n criminal
t h i n k i n g p a t t e r n s are n o t s o m u c h c o n v o l u t e d a s simplistic a n d
one-dimensional. T h e n t h e r e is a t e n d e n c y a m o n g s o m e to see
t h e m s e l v e s a s always t h e victim. P e o p l e w h o t h i n k this way d o
n o t t a k e r e s p o n s i b i l i t y f o r t h e i r c h o i c e s . F o r o t h e r s still, t h e r e i s
a lack o f p e r s p e c t i v e a b o u t t i m e , w h i c h r e s u l t s i n living p r i m a r -
ily i n t h e p r e s e n t , w i t h o u t i n v e s t i n g i n t h e f u t u r e o r t a k i n g i n t o
account the consequences of one's actions.
O n e aspect of criminal thinking patterns stands out most
b e c a u s e o f its p r e v a l e n c e a m o n g n o n c r i m i n a l s e g m e n t s o f t h e
population. It is an attitude of ownership, or what can be re-
f e r r e d to as a s e n s e of e n t i t l e m e n t . I n h e r e n t in t h i s a t t i t u d e is a
c o c k i n e s s t h a t b o r d e r s o n b l a t a n t n a r c i s s i s m . T h o s e w i t h a n ex-
t r e m e s e n s e o f e n t i t l e m e n t a r e a b l e t o justify v i o l a t i n g o t h e r
people or their property without regard to their rights. If their
t h i n k i n g s t e m s f r o m a n " i n f e r i o r i t y c o m p l e x , " t h o s e w h o feel
entitled see themselves as helpless a n d often as victims. T h e y
c o m p l a i n a n d p r o t e s t g r e a t l y a b o u t t h e lack o f o p p o r t u n i t i e s
t h e y h a v e h a d i n life b e c a u s e o f t h e i r e t h n i c , e c o n o m i c , o r f a m -
ily b a c k g r o u n d . T h e y d i s c o u n t t h e i r o w n f a i l u r e t o p u t i n t h e ef-
fort r e q u i r e d t o i m p r o v e t h e i r lives. S o m e will c h o o s e t o steal,
manipulate, a n d otherwise take from others because of their
b e l i e f t h a t t h e w o r l d o w e s t h e m . T h e y fail t o s e e t h e i r o w n n e g -
l i g e n c e i n c o n s i d e r i n g a l t e r n a t i v e ways o f t h i n k i n g a n d living.
I n o t h e r s t h e s e n s e o f e n t i t l e m e n t arises o u t o f a " s u p e r i o r -
ity c o m p l e x . " A p e r s o n m a y b e l i e v e h e s h o u l d always h a v e f i r s t
s h o t at everything, again usually b e c a u s e of his e t h n i c , eco-
n o m i c , o r family b a c k g r o u n d . H e t h i n k s t h o s e like h i m a r e a l s o
superior a n d therefore d u e anything they desire, even if getting
i t m e a n s t a k i n g f r o m o t h e r s . H e feels e n t i t l e d t o t h e b e s t e d u -
cational or j o b opportunities, a n d is offended by others w h o
w a n t t h e b e s t f o r t h e m s e l v e s . D e s i r i n g t h e b e s t i n life i s n o t t h e
p r o b l e m . This t h i n k i n g is p r o b l e m a t i c w h e n p e o p l e a r e willing
to violate o t h e r s by discrimination, exploitation, a n d o p p r e s -
sion, d e n y i n g t h e m t h e s a m e rights, o p p o r t u n i t i e s , a n d access
to valued resources.
O f c o u r s e , all o f this i s s i m p l i s t i c t h i n k i n g . I t i s a s a p p a r e n t
a m o n g those c o n s i d e r e d t o b e otherwise intelligent a n d suc-
cessful, w h o h a v e a t t e n d e d t o p - n o t c h s c h o o l s a n d r u n m a j o r
corporations, as it is a m o n g the u n e d u c a t e d , underprivileged,
a n d c r i m i n a l a n d m e n t a l l y ill p o p u l a t i o n s . T h e c o m m o n d e -
n o m i n a t o r i s o u r h u m a n t e n d e n c y o f failing t o t h i n k well.
THINKING T O O LITTLE IS YOUR PROBLEM
O n e p a t i e n t I saw i n m y p r a c t i c e y e a r s a g o i s a n e x a m p l e o f t h e
p r o b l e m s c r e a t e d b y a f a i l u r e t o t h i n k well. H i s p r e v a i l i n g m o -
tive, a n d t h e specific d e f e c t i n h i s t h i n k i n g , was r e s i s t a n c e t o
c h a n g e . G i v e n t h a t w e live i n a w o r l d o f c h a n g e , t h i n k i n g t h a t i t
was p o s s i b l e n o t t o c h a n g e , o r s i m p l y t o a v o i d c h a n g e , fell
s o m e w h e r e in b e t w e e n an illusion a n d a delusion. This m a n
c a m e t o s e e m e f r o m a c o u n t r y t o w n t h a t was a b o u t a twenty-
m i n u t e d r i v e f r o m m y office. H e saw m e twice a w e e k f o r f o u r
y e a r s a n d w e n t t h r o u g h h i s life savings f o r t h e s e s e s s i o n s . T h i s
investment of time a n d m o n e y w o u l d s e e m to reflect an interest
i n c h a n g e a n d g r o w t h . S u c h , I d i s c o v e r e d , was n o t t h e c a s e .
W h e n h e first s t a r t e d , I g a v e h i m a m a p f o r a s h o r t c u t h e
c o u l d t a k e w h e n c o m i n g t o s e e m e , saving b o t h t i m e a n d
m o n e y . A b o u t six m o n t h s i n t o t h e r a p y , h e c o m p l a i n e d o n e d a y
a b o u t h o w l o n g i t t o o k t o d r i v e t o h i s a p p o i n t m e n t s . S o I said,
"Well, J o h n , try t h e s h o r t c u t . " B u t h e r e p l i e d , " I ' m sorry, I lost
t h e m a p . " I gave h i m a n o t h e r o n e .
A b o u t six m o n t h s after t h a t , h e c o m p l a i n e d a g a i n a b o u t
h o w l o n g i t t o o k . I a s k e d , "Well, d o y o u t a k e t h e s h o r t c u t ? " H e
said, " N o , it's w i n t e r a n d I h a v e n ' t w a n t e d t o c h a n c e i t o n t h e icy
b a c k r o a d s . " I t h e n a s k e d w h e t h e r h e h a d lost t h e m a p a g a i n ,
a n d I e n d e d u p g i v i n g h i m a n o t h e r o n e . Finally, a y e a r o r s o
l a t e r — a b o u t two y e a r s i n t o t h e r a p y — h e s t a r t e d c o m p l a i n i n g
again, a n d again I asked, "John, have you tried the shortcut?"
H e said, " O h , y e a h . I t r i e d i t b u t i t d i d n ' t save a n y t i m e . " S o I
s a i d — a n d this i s n o t typical o f a n a l y s t b e h a v i o r — " J o h n , off t h e
c o u c h . G e t off t h e c o u c h . W e ' r e g o i n g t o d o a n e x p e r i m e n t . "
I gave h i m t h e o p t i o n o f b e i n g t h e r e c o r d e r o r t h e driver.
He decided to be the recorder. We got into my car a n d drove
the r o u t e he usually took, a n d t h e n we drove t h e s h o r t c u t back
t o m y office. T h e s h o r t c u t w o u l d h a v e s a v e d h i m f i v e m i n u t e s
e a c h way. " J o h n , " I said. " I ' d like t o p o i n t o u t s o m e t h i n g t o y o u .
You h a v e lost t e n m i n u t e s o n e v e r y r o u n d t r i p y o u h a v e m a d e t o
m y office. You h a v e g o n e o u t o f y o u r way f o r t h e last two y e a r s ,
t h e e q u i v a l e n t o f two t h o u s a n d m i n u t e s , o r t h r e e days. You h a v e
w a s t e d t h r e e days o f y o u r life. N o t o n l y t h a t , " I a d d e d , " y o u ' v e
d r i v e n a t o t a l o f twelve t h o u s a n d m i l e s o u t o f y o u r way t o a v o i d
taking that shortcut. A n d if that isn't e n o u g h , you've lied to
protect your neurosis."
It was a y e a r a f t e r t h a t — a f t e r a t o t a l of t h r e e y e a r s of t h e r -
a p y — w h e n J o h n f i n a l l y said, "Well, I g u e s s — I s u p p o s e — t h e
d o m i n a n t m o t i v e i n m y life i s t o a v o i d a n y c h a n g e . " T h a t was
why he avoided taking t h e shortcut. It w o u l d have m e a n t think-
ing a n d d o i n g s o m e t h i n g different from what he h a d b e c o m e
a c c u s t o m e d t o . T h e s a m e was t r u e i n o u r w o r k t o g e t h e r . B u t h i s
use of t h e p h r a s e "I guess" a n d "I suppose" m a d e it clear that
J o h n was still r e l u c t a n t t o o w n u p t o t h e n e c e s s i t y f o r c h a n g e .
T h e p o w e r o f n e u r o s e s c a n b e f o r m i d a b l e . Less t h a n a success-
ful c a s e , u n t i l t h e v e r y e n d o f o u r w o r k h e c o n t i n u e d t o set h i m -
self u p f o r f a i l u r e b y s e e k i n g t o a v o i d t h e risks i n v o l v e d w i t h
c h a n g e . Like J o h n , m a n y p e o p l e r u n from the c h a n g e neces-

sary for g r o w t h . T h e y a r e n ' t willing t o face t h e task o f r e f o r m u -
lating s o m e of t h e a s s u m p t i o n s a n d illusions they have a c c e p t e d
as t r u t h .
W h e n I was i n p s y c h i a t r i c t r a i n i n g , s c h i z o p h r e n i a was la-
beled a t h i n k i n g disorder, or a t h o u g h t disorder. Since that
t i m e , I h a v e c o m e t o b e l i e v e t h a t all p s y c h i a t r i c d i s o r d e r s a r e
t h i n k i n g d i s o r d e r s . I n d i v i d u a l s a t t h e e x t r e m e s o f m e n t a l ill-
ness, as in s o m e forms of s c h i z o p h r e n i a , a r e clearly t h e victims
o f d i s o r d e r e d t h i n k i n g a n d m a y b e s o far o u t o f t o u c h w i t h r e -
ality t h a t t h e y c a n n o t f u n c t i o n well i n day-to-day activities. Yet
w e h a v e all m e t narcissists, o b s e s s i v e - c o m p u l s i v e s , a n d passive-
d e p e n d e n t p e o p l e i n o u r social a n d w o r k lives. T h e i r m e n t a l
h e a l t h m a y b e fragile, b u t t h e y m a n a g e t o a p p e a r " n o r m a l "
a n d g e t by. T h e fact, h o w e v e r , i s t h a t they, t o o , a r e d i s o r d e r e d
t h i n k e r s . Narcissists c a n n o t t h i n k a b o u t o t h e r p e o p l e . Obsessive-
c o m p u l s i v e s c a n n o t t h i n k a b o u t t h e b i g p i c t u r e . Passive-
d e p e n d e n t p e o p l e c a n n o t t h i n k for themselves.
In every psychiatric c o n d i t i o n I have w o r k e d with over t h e
y e a r s , t h e r e was s o m e d i s o r d e r o f t h i n k i n g i n v o l v e d . M o s t p e o -
ple w h o go into therapy are suffering from either a neurosis or
character disorder. A m o n g the general population w h o never
go to see a psychotherapist, these c o n d i t i o n s are equally p r o m i -
n e n t a n d are, again, the result of disordered thinking. They
are, at root, illusions of responsibility, a n d as such, they reflect
o p p o s i t e styles o f t h i n k i n g a b o u t a n d r e l a t i n g t o t h e w o r l d a n d
t h e p r o b l e m s i n life.
T h e n e u r o t i c p e r s o n is u n d e r t h e illusion that she is re-
s p o n s i b l e f o r e v e r y o n e o r e v e r y t h i n g a n d , a s a r e s u l t , o f t e n as-
sumes too m u c h responsibility. W h e n n e u r o t i c s are i n conflict
with t h e world, they t e n d to a s s u m e automatically t h a t they a r e
a t fault. T h e p e r s o n w i t h a c h a r a c t e r d i s o r d e r o p e r a t e s u n d e r
t h e illusion t h a t he s h o u l d n ' t have to be r e s p o n s i b l e for himself
o r a n y o n e else. T h u s , h e ' s n o t likely t o t a k e o n e n o u g h r e s p o n -
sibility. W h e n t h o s e w i t h c h a r a c t e r d i s o r d e r s a r e i n c o n f l i c t w i t h
t h e w o r l d t h e y a u t o m a t i c a l l y a s s u m e t h e w o r l d i s a t fault.
L e t m e p o i n t o u t t h a t all o f u s h a v e t o live w i t h s o m e illu-

sions. T h e s e a r e w h a t p s y c h o l o g i s t s call h e a l t h y i l l u s i o n s , w h i c h
h e l p s u p p o r t u s d u r i n g p e r i o d s o f t r a n s i t i o n i n life a n d give u s
h o p e . T a k e t h e i l l u s i o n o f r o m a n t i c love. P e o p l e w o u l d n ' t g e t
m a r r i e d w i t h o u t it. T h e i l l u s i o n t h a t r a i s i n g c h i l d r e n i s g o i n g t o
be m o r e fun t h a n p a i n is healthy, too. Otherwise we w o u l d n ' t
have children. I t h o u g h t that my own children would be easier
to deal with w h e n they got o u t of diapers, a n d t h e n I t h o u g h t
that they would be easier w h e n they started school. T h e n I
t h o u g h t t h e y w o u l d b e e a s i e r w h e n t h e y g o t t h e i r d r i v e r ' s li-
censes. T h e n w h e n they w e n t t o college. T h e n w h e n they got
m a r r i e d . N o w I h a v e t h e i l l u s i o n t h a t m y c h i l d r e n will b e e a s i e r
t o d e a l w i t h o n c e t h e y ' r e i n t h e i r f o r t i e s . I l l u s i o n s like t h a t k e e p
us going a n d encourage growth.
S o i l l u s i o n s a r e n o t totally b a d , u n l e s s w e h o l d o n t o t h e m
far t o o l o n g a n d b e y o n d t h e i r u s e f u l n e s s . T h e p r o b l e m c o m e s
w h e n o u r i l l u s i o n s c o n s i s t e n t l y i n t e r f e r e w i t h g r o w t h . F o r ex-
a m p l e , t h e s i x t e e n - y e a r - o l d w h o b e c o m e s obsessive i n h e r t h i n k -
i n g a b o u t h e r e a t i n g h a b i t s a n d a p p e a r a n c e m a y feel s h e i s
never thin e n o u g h or good e n o u g h to measure up to the other
girls i n h e r s c h o o l . I n t a k i n g t h i s i l l u s i o n t o a n e x t r e m e , s h e
may starve herself a n d b e c o m e a n o r e x i c . O r she m a y o u t g r o w
this n e u r o t i c d i l e m m a b y t h e t i m e s h e r e a c h e s h e r t w e n t i e s a n d
b e c o m e s m o r e c o n f i d e n t a n d self-assured. T h e y o u n g m a n w h o
d o e s n ' t excel in sports m a y find t h a t his intellectual qualities
c o m p e n s a t e f o r h i s lack o f a t h l e t i c skills. I f h e c a n l e a r n t o v a l u e
his i n t e l l e c t , i t will b e m o r e p o s s i b l e t o o v e r c o m e t h e n e u r o t i c
inferiority c o m p l e x h e e x p e r i e n c e s w h e n c o m p a r i n g himself t o
t h e j o c k s a t h i s s c h o o l . S o a m i l d n e u r o s i s o r s l i g h t c h a r a c t e r dis-
o r d e r n e e d n o t be viewed as a lifetime disposition. On t h e o t h e r
h a n d , o u r persistent n e u r o s e s a n d character disorders are crip-
p l i n g i f n o t d e a l t w i t h . T h e y c a n g r o w a n d b e c o m e like b o u l d e r s
t h a t totally b l o c k o u r way.
C a r l J u n g w r o t e , " N e u r o s i s is always a s u b s t i t u t e f o r legiti-
m a t e suffering." B u t t h e substitute can b e c o m e m o r e painful
t h a n t h e l e g i t i m a t e s u f f e r i n g i t was d e s i g n e d t o a v o i d . T h e n e u -
rosis itself u l t i m a t e l y b e c o m e s t h e b i g g e s t p r o b l e m . A s I w r o t e
in The Road Less Traveled, " T r u e to f o r m , m a n y will t h e n a t t e m p t
t o a v o i d this p a i n a n d this p r o b l e m , i n t u r n , b u i l d i n g l a y e r
u p o n layer of neurosis. Fortunately, however, s o m e possess t h e
c o u r a g e t o face t h e i r n e u r o s e s a n d b e g i n — u s u a l l y w i t h t h e
help of psychotherapy—to learn how to experience legitimate
suffering. In any case, w h e n we avoid t h e legitimate suffering
t h a t r e s u l t s f r o m d e a l i n g w i t h p r o b l e m s , w e also a v o i d t h e
g r o w t h t h a t p r o b l e m s d e m a n d from us. It is for this r e a s o n t h a t
i n c h r o n i c m e n t a l illness w e s t o p g r o w i n g , w e b e c o m e s t u c k .
A n d w i t h o u t growth, w i t h o u t healing, t h e h u m a n spirit begins
t o shrivel."
THINKING T O O MUCH IS SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM
A l t h o u g h often w e d o d a m a g e t o ourselves t h r o u g h simplistic

thinking, there are o t h e r times w h e n p e o p l e may seek to dam-
a g e u s f o r d a r i n g t o t h i n k well. I f w e t h i n k a g r e a t d e a l a n d o t h -
e r s d o n ' t p a r t i c u l a r l y like it, t h a t i s t h e i r p r o b l e m , n o t o u r s . I f
y o u u s e y o u r b r a i n , it's b o u n d t o c r e a t e a p r o b l e m f o r o t h e r s i f
they are seeking to use, abuse, or control you or k e e p you de-
p e n d e n t o r fearful. T h e i r h i d d e n motive m a y b e t o d i s c o u r a g e
you from realizing t h e sense of personal p o w e r that is directly
r e l a t e d t o t h e ability t o e x e r c i s e g o o d , i n d e p e n d e n t t h i n k i n g .
M u c h is invested in having us believe everything we r e a d in
n e w s p a p e r s a n d e v e r y t h i n g o u r g o v e r n m e n t tells u s . A f t e r all, i f
w e ' r e n o t t h i n k i n g f o r o u r s e l v e s , w e a r e easy t a r g e t s f o r c o n t r o l
and manipulation. To keep us dependent, we are taught that
it's n o t n e c e s s a r y t o t h i n k m u c h . M y o w n p a r e n t s u s e d t o r o u -
tinely tell m e , "Scotty, y o u t h i n k t o o m u c h . " H o w m a n y p a r e n t s
or teachers have told children the same thing: 'You think too
m u c h . " W h a t a t e r r i b l e t h i n g t o say t o a n y b o d y . T h e r e a s o n w e
w e r e given a b r a i n is to t h i n k . B u t we live in a c u l t u r e t h a t p l a c e s
little v a l u e o n t h e i n t e l l e c t , t h e ability t o t h i n k well, b e c a u s e i t i s
v i e w e d a s d i f f e r e n t — a n d possibly e v e n d a n g e r o u s . F o r a n y o n e
w h o i s i n c o n t r o l , like p a r e n t s o r e m p l o y e r s o r o u r g o v e r n m e n t ,
i t m a y feel like a t h r e a t w h e n s o m e o n e else t h i n k s i n d e p e n -
dently.
T h e m o s t c o m m o n r e s p o n s e t o all o f m y w r i t i n g s i s n o t t h a t
I've said a n y t h i n g p a r t i c u l a r l y new. I t i s t h a t I w r i t e a b o u t t h e
k i n d s o f t h i n g s t h a t a l o t o f p e o p l e h a v e b e e n t h i n k i n g all a l o n g ,
b u t w e r e a f r a i d t o talk a b o u t . T h e y h a v e f o u n d t h e k n o w l e d g e
that they are n o t a l o n e — n o t crazy—to be of great solace in a
culture that discourages thinking, a n d often candor. I n d e e d , it
t a k e s c o u r a g e t o b e d i f f e r e n t , t o d a r e t o b e oneself. I f w e c h o o s e
t o t h i n k f o r o u r s e l v e s , w e m u s t b e b r a c e d f o r b a c k l a s h . W e risk
being seen as eccentrics or malcontents. We may be p r e s u m e d
t o b e o n t h e f r i n g e s o f m a i n s t r e a m society, r e g a r d e d a s differ-
ent a n d a b n o r m a l in the worst sense of the word. But if we d a r e
to seek growth, we have to dare to think.
It c a n take a lifetime for m a n y p e o p l e to c o m e to t e r m s
with t h e f r e e d o m they truly have to t h i n k for themselves. B u t
this p a t h t o f r e e d o m i s o b s t r u c t e d b y s o c i e t a l m y t h s , o n e o f
which would have us believe that o n c e we have c o m p l e t e d ado-
l e s c e n c e , w e c a n ' t c h a n g e m u c h . I n reality, w e a r e a b l e t o c h a n g e
a n d g r o w t h r o u g h o u t o u r l i f e t i m e s — e v e n i n t h e s u b t l e s t ways.
B u t it is a c h o i c e . O f t e n it is w h e n we m e e t t h e crises of m i d l i f e
t h a t o u r t h i n k i n g t a k e s off i n n e w a n d i n d e p e n d e n t d i r e c t i o n s .
A n d f o r s o m e , i n d e p e n d e n t t h i n k i n g evolves o n l y w h e n t h e y
a r e a b o u t t o d i e . Sadly, o f c o u r s e , f o r m a n y i t n e v e r h a p p e n s .
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE IN-BETWEEN
I t i s a t r u e s a y i n g t h a t y o u a r e w h a t y o u t h i n k . You a r e w h a t y o u
t h i n k m o s t a b o u t . You a r e w h a t y o u d o n ' t t h i n k a b o u t . S o i n
essence, the good, the bad, a n d everything in between that we
t h i n k o r d o n ' t t h i n k a b o u t tells m u c h a b o u t w h o w e a r e . W h e n
w e t h i n k simplistically a b o u t e v e r y t h i n g , w e s e t o u r s e l v e s u p t o
always e x p e c t s i m p l e s o l u t i o n s , o b v i o u s a n s w e r s , a n d c l e a r r e -
sults e v e n i n c o m p l e x s i t u a t i o n s . W e n e e d t o c o m e t o t e r m s w i t h
t h e reality t h a t m a n y s i t u a t i o n s — s u c h a s w h e t h e r t o m a r r y this
person or that one, what career to choose, when to buy a
h o u s e — i n v o l v e g a m b l e s . W e n e e d t o l e a r n t o live w i t h t h e "in-
betweenness" of uncertainty.
A t o l e r a n c e f o r u n c e r t a i n t y , as I p o i n t e d o u t in The Road
Less Traveled, is c r u c i a l in t h e p r o c e s s of q u e s t i o n i n g o u r as-
s u m p t i o n s . A n d in A Bed by the Window, my d e t e c t i v e r u n s off
h a l f - c o c k e d — a n d astray—with his stereotypical t h i n k i n g in a
r u s h to j u d g m e n t in large p a r t b e c a u s e he is unwilling to wait
t h r o u g h a p e r i o d of uncertainly. But since we can never be sure
w e h a v e c o n s i d e r e d all a s p e c t s o f a s i t u a t i o n , t h e w i l l i n g n e s s t o
t h i n k i n d e p t h o f t e n l e a d s t o i n d e c i s i v e n e s s . T h e r e ' s always a
c h a n c e w e m a y leave s o m e t h i n g out, a n d w e m u s t b e willing t o
b e a r t h e p a i n i n v o l v e d i n b e i n g u n c e r t a i n . I n t h e face o f this
u n c e r t a i n t y , w e still h a v e t o b e a b l e t o a c t a n d m a k e d e c i s i o n s
a t s o m e point. I n w e i g h i n g o u r t h o u g h t s a n d feelings, w h a t
m a t t e r s m o s t is w h e t h e r we a r e willing to wrestle with t h e real-
i z a t i o n t h a t w e d o n ' t k n o w i t all. T h i s m e a n s n o t o n l y b e i n g in-
t r o s p e c t i v e , b u t also e x p e r i e n c i n g d o u b t . D o u b t , I b e l i e v e , i s
often the b e g i n n i n g of wisdom.
In my practice as a psychotherapist, I discovered t h a t m a n y
people hold tenaciously to the certainty of their c h i l d h o o d be-
liefs, a s i f t h e y c o u l d n ' t f u n c t i o n a s a d u l t s w i t h o u t this c e r t a i n t y
as a security blanket. Only w h e n they hit the g a p i n g void would
d o u b t a n d u n c e r t a i n t y e m e r g e , a n d i n c o n f r o n t i n g crisis, t h e s e
b e c a m e a saving grace.
F r e q u e n t l y , a b o u t o n e o r two y e a r s i n t o t h e r a p y , t h e y w o u l d
b e c o m e far m o r e d e p r e s s e d t h a n t h e y w e r e w h e n t h e y f i r s t
c a m e to m e . I called the p h e n o m e n o n therapeutic depression.
A t t h i s j u n c t u r e , p a t i e n t s r e a l i z e d t h a t t h e i r o l d way o f t h i n k i n g
was n o l o n g e r w o r k i n g f o r t h e m . T h e y h a d c o m e t o s e e s o m e o f
t h e i r t h i n k i n g p a t t e r n s a s s t u p i d o r m a l a d a p t i v e . B u t n e w ways
o f t h i n k i n g s e e m e d terrifyingly risky a n d i n h e r e n t l y difficult.
T h e y c o u l d n ' t g o b a c k a n d c o u l d n ' t g o f o r w a r d , a n d i n this "in-
betweenness" they b e c a m e depressed. At such times, they
w o u l d ask, "Well, w h y g o a n y p l a c e ? W h y s h o u l d I e x e r t myself?
W h y s h o u l d I r i s k c h a n g i n g m y beliefs? W h y s h o u l d n ' t I j u s t give

u p a n d kill myself? W h y b o t h e r ? W h a t ' s t h e p o i n t o f i t all?"
F o r t h e s e q u e s t i o n s , t h e r e a r e n e v e r easy a n s w e r s . T h e r e
are no answers in the medical textbooks or books of psychiatry
because these are fundamentally existential a n d spiritual ques-
t i o n s . T h e y a r e q u e s t i o n s a b o u t m e a n i n g i n life. A n d a l t h o u g h
i t was difficult t o g r a p p l e w i t h , I c a l l e d this p e r i o d o f d e p r e s s i o n
t h e r a p e u t i c precisely because such spiritual g r a p p l i n g ultimately
led to g r o w t h for t h e s e patients in l o n g - t e r m therapy.
In t h e i n t r o d u c t i o n to The Road Less Traveled, I w r o t e t h a t I
m a k e little d i s t i n c t i o n b e t w e e n t h e m i n d a n d t h e spirit, a n d
therefore n o distinction b e t w e e n spiritual growth a n d m e n t a l
g r o w t h . You c a n n o t s e p a r a t e t h i n k i n g — i n t e l l e c t — f r o m psy-
c h o l o g i c a l a n d s p i r i t u a l g r o w t h . W h e n I was i n t r a i n i n g , i t was
f a s h i o n a b l e t o d e c r y i n t e l l e c t u a l i n s i g h t . T h e only t h i n g c o n s i d -
e r e d i m p o r t a n t was e m o t i o n a l i n s i g h t , a s i f i n t e l l e c t u a l u n d e r -
s t a n d i n g w e r e w o r t h l e s s . T h i s was s i m p l i s t i c t h i n k i n g . W h i l e I
agree that ultimately t h e r e has to be e m o t i o n a l insight, most of
t h e t i m e y o u c a n ' t e v e n b e g i n t o u n d e r s t a n d t h e e m o t i o n a l as-
pects of an individual case until you have a t t a i n e d intellectual
insight.
Let us take t h e O e d i p u s c o m p l e x . An adult with an u n r e -
solved O e d i p u s c o m p l e x c a n n o t b e h e a l e d unless h e f i r s t intel-
lectually k n o w s w h a t a n O e d i p u s c o m p l e x is—if h e c a n b e
h e a l e d a t all.
T o b e c o m e h e a l t h y adults w e f i r s t m u s t resolve t h e O e d i p a l
d i l e m m a of giving up o u r sexual feelings for o u r p a r e n t s . If t h e
c h i l d is a boy, t h e f a t h e r is s e e n as t h e c o m p e t i t i o n f o r t h e
m o t h e r ' s a t t e n t i o n . If it's a girl, t h e d e s i r e f o r t h e f a t h e r as a sex-
u a l o r love o b j e c t m e a n s c o m p e t i n g w i t h t h e m o t h e r . F o r t h e
f i r s t t i m e i n t h e i r lives, basically, c h i l d r e n e x p e r i e n c e t h e t e n -
s i o n s o f loss. T h e y a r e f o r c e d t o give u p s o m e t h i n g i m p o r t a n t t o
t h e m t h a t t h e y c a n n o t h a v e . I n m y e x p e r i e n c e , p e o p l e w h o fail
t o r e s o l v e t h e O e d i p u s c o m p l e x a p p r o p r i a t e l y will t h e r e a f t e r
h a v e t h e m o s t s e v e r e , e v e n o v e r w h e l m i n g , difficulty i n e v e r r e -
n o u n c i n g anything since they never m a d e that first renuncia-
t i o n . S o it's c r u c i a l t h a t t h e y c o m e t o t e r m s w i t h n o t b e i n g a b l e
t o p o s s e s s t h e p a r e n t i n t h e way t h a t t h e y h a v e f a n t a s i z e d .
A w o m a n w h o m o v e d from Florida to Connecticut to see
m e f o r t h e r a p y was a c a s e i n p o i n t . S h e was a n e a r l y fan o f The
Road Less Traveled, a n d s h e h a d t h e m o n e y t o m a k e s u c h a m o v e .
In hindsight, I should have discouraged h e r from packing up
a n d m o v i n g s o far, b e c a u s e t h e r e a r e always l o c a l t h e r a p i s t s
a v a i l a b l e . I t was o n e o f s e v e r a l m i s t a k e s I m a d e i n this c a s e , a n d
h e r h e a l i n g was i n c o m p l e t e . G i v e n t h e difficulties I e n c o u n -
t e r e d with h e r i n therapy, t h e furthest w e g o t i n p e n e t r a t i n g t h e
r e a l issue was t h e d a y w h e n s h e f i r s t h e a r d h e r s e l f c l e a r l y u t t e r
h e r h i d d e n motives for c o m i n g t o m e for therapy. After leaving
a s e s s i o n this p a r t i c u l a r day, s h e sat i n h e r car, s o b b i n g a n d
s h a k i n g a t t h e s t e e r i n g w h e e l . "Well, m a y b e w h e n I g e t o v e r m y
O e d i p u s c o m p l e x , " s h e said, " t h e n Dr. P e c k will m a r r y m e . " I
h a d b e c o m e t h e f a t h e r f i g u r e i n h e r life, a r e p l a c e m e n t f o r t h e
father s h e c o u l d n o t have. Later, s h e said to m e , "Maybe y o u ' r e
right. Maybe I do have an O e d i p u s complex." But we wouldn't
h a v e g o t t e n e v e n t h a t far h a d I n o t f i r s t i n t e l l e c t u a l l y e x p l a i n e d
t o h e r w h a t a n O e d i p u s c o m p l e x was.
A n o t h e r c a s e i n v o l v e d a m a n w h o was t r e a t e d , a g a i n u n -
successfully, f o r t h e difficulty h e h a d w i t h r e n u n c i a t i o n . W h e n
h e c a m e t o s e e m e h e was t o r t u r e d . H i s c o m p l a i n t was t h a t h e
h a d t h r e e g i r l f r i e n d s a n d was s l e e p i n g w i t h all o f t h e m . C o m -
p l i c a t i n g m a t t e r s , h e was s t a r t i n g t o b e a t t r a c t e d t o a f o u r t h
o n e . "Dr. P e c k , " h e said, "you d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d t h e a g o n y I ' m
i n , j u s t h o w t e r r i b l e this is. D o y o u k n o w w h a t it's like t o try a n d
show up at three different Thanksgiving dinners?"
" T h a t d o e s m a k e y o u r life k i n d o f c o m p l i c a t e d , d o e s n ' t it?"
I r e s p o n d e d . A t t h a t t i m e , I was n o l o n g e r s e e i n g p e o p l e f o r
therapy, only for consultations. B u t since I d i d n ' t q u i t e k n o w
w h a t t o m a k e o f t h i s m a n initially, I a s k e d h i m t o c o m e b a c k f o r
a s e c o n d visit. I n b e t w e e n t h o s e s e s s i o n s , I b e g a n t o w o n d e r
w h e t h e r t h e r e a s o n h e c o u l d n ' t give u p a n y o f h i s g i r l f r i e n d s —
c o u l d n ' t c h o o s e o n e — w a s p e r h a p s that h e h a d n ' t resolved his
O e d i p u s c o m p l e x . W h e n h e c a m e b a c k for t h e s e c o n d session,
I a s k e d h i m t o tell m e a b o u t h i s m o t h e r .
He described h e r as stunningly beautiful a n d went on a n d

o n a n d o n a b o u t her. H e w o r k e d for a c o m p a n y i n p e r s o n n e l
c o u n s e l i n g a n d c o n d u c t e d w o r k s h o p s r e l a t e d t o psychology.
Despite t h e significant b a c k g r o u n d h e h a d i n psychology, h e
was e m o t i o n a l l y u n a w a r e o f h i s o w n d i l e m m a . W h e n I said t o
h i m , " H a r r y , b y t h e way, d o y o u k n o w w h a t a n O e d i p u s c o m p l e x
is?" h i s r e p l y was "It's g o t s o m e t h i n g t o d o w i t h p e o p l e , d o e s n ' t
it?" T h i s m a n s h o u l d h a v e k n o w n , a t l e a s t intellectually, w h a t a n
O e d i p u s c o m p l e x is. A p p a r e n t l y , h e j u s t h a d n ' t h e a r d m u c h o f
w h a t was s a i d a b o u t i t d u r i n g h i s t r a i n i n g . T h e o b v i o u s r e a s o n ,
of c o u r s e , is t h a t it t o u c h e d on his own neurosis. H a v i n g n o w
m a d e the diagnosis, I referred h i m to a n o t h e r therapist, but I
l a t e r h e a r d t h a t t h e i r sessions w e r e u n s u c c e s s f u l . H e was unwill-
ing to change. It is h a r d to move on w h e n you can't r e n o u n c e
anything.
It's a s i m i l a r p r o b l e m i n d e a l i n g w i t h m a s o c h i s t s . T h e r o o t
o f t h e i r n e u r o s i s i s t h e d e s i r e t o b e m i s e r a b l e . A n d t o g e t well,
t h e y h a v e t o l e a r n ways t o b e h a p p y . B u t t h e i r b a s i c m o t i v e i s t o
n o t b e h a p p y . T h i s i s a s e t u p for self-defeat i n t h e r a p y w i t h all
those w h o cling h a r d to s o m e t h i n g they are simply unwilling or
u n a b l e a t t h e t i m e t o give u p , e v e n t h o u g h i t i s m a k i n g t h e m
u n h a p p y . It's as if t h e y h a v e a b u i l t - i n m o t i v e f o r f a i l u r e . To
give u p s o m e t h i n g r e p r e s e n t s m a k i n g a c h a n g e . L i k e t h e m a n
w h o was u n w i l l i n g t o give u p h i s p r o m i s c u i t y , s u c h i n d i v i d u a l s
a r e u n w i l l i n g t o m a k e t h e c h a n g e s t h a t will h e a l t h e m . T h a t i s
the sort of price m a n y pay for a t h i n k i n g disorder.
THINKING AND LISTENING
Given o u r a l m o s t a d d i c t i v e r e l i a n c e o n a s s u m p t i o n s — a n d o n
the illusions t h a t coexist with t h e m — w e often m i s c o m m u n i c a t e
with o t h e r s , c r e a t i n g g r e a t c h a o s . T h e p o l a r i z a t i o n a l o n g r a c i a l
lines i n t h e a f t e r m a t h o f t h e O . J . S i m p s o n v e r d i c t i s a n e x a m -
p l e . T h e f a i l u r e t o q u e s t i o n o u r o w n — w h i t e o r b l a c k — r a c i a l as-
s u m p t i o n s l e a d s t o f a i l u r e s i n really h e a r i n g w h a t i s b e i n g
c o m m u n i c a t e d t o u s . W e r e m a i n o b l i v i o u s t o t h e basics o f g o o d
c o m m u n i c a t i o n . It s h o u l d go w i t h o u t saying you c a n ' t truly

c o m m u n i c a t e well i f y o u d o n ' t l i s t e n well, a n d y o u a r e u n a b l e t o
l i s t e n well u n l e s s y o u a r e t h i n k i n g well.
An industrial psychologist o n c e p o i n t e d o u t to me that the
a m o u n t of time we devote to t e a c h i n g certain subjects to o u r
c h i l d r e n i n s c h o o l i s inversely p r o p o r t i o n a l t o t h e f r e q u e n c y
w i t h w h i c h t h e y will m a k e u s e o f t h e m w h e n t h e y g r o w u p . I d o
n o t believe it would be a g o o d thing to m a k e what we teach in
s c h o o l e x a c t l y p r o p o r t i o n a l t o w h a t will b e useful after s c h o o l ,
b u t I d o t h i n k w e w o u l d b e wise t o give o u r c h i l d r e n m o r e in-
s t r u c t i o n i n t h e p r o c e s s e s o f t h i n k i n g a n d l i s t e n i n g well.
I n m o s t p u b l i c a n d p r i v a t e s c h o o l s , t h e r e i s virtually n o for-
mal education on these crucial aspects of c o m m u n i c a t i n g . A
successful t o p e x e c u t i v e will s p e n d a t least t h r e e - q u a r t e r s o f h e r
t i m e t h i n k i n g a n d l i s t e n i n g . S h e will s p e n d a s m a l l f r a c t i o n
s p e a k i n g a n d a n e v e n s m a l l e r f r a c t i o n w r i t i n g . Yet t h e a m o u n t
o f f o r m a l e d u c a t i o n w e g e t i n d e v e l o p i n g t h e s e e s s e n t i a l skills i s
inversely p r o p o r t i o n a l t o w h a t i s r e q u i r e d t o b e a n effective e x -
e c u t i v e . T h e skills a r e , i n fact, e s s e n t i a l s i n e v e r y a s p e c t o f o u r
lives.
M a n y p e o p l e t h i n k t h a t l i s t e n i n g i s a passive i n t e r a c t i o n . I t
i s j u s t t h e o p p o s i t e . L i s t e n i n g well i s a n active e x e r c i s e o f o u r at-
t e n t i o n a n d , b y necessity, i s h a r d w o r k . I t i s b e c a u s e t h e y d o n o t
r e a l i z e this o r b e c a u s e t h e y a r e n o t willing t o d o t h e w o r k t h a t
m o s t p e o p l e d o n o t l i s t e n well. W h e n w e e x t e n d o u r s e l v e s b y at-
t e m p t i n g t o l i s t e n a n d c o m m u n i c a t e well, w e t a k e a n e x t r a s t e p
o r walk a n e x t r a m i l e . W e d o s o i n o p p o s i t i o n t o t h e i n e r t i a o f
l a z i n e s s o r t h e r e s i s t a n c e o f fear. I t always r e q u i r e s h a r d w o r k .
L i s t e n i n g well also r e q u i r e s t o t a l c o n c e n t r a t i o n u p o n a n -
o t h e r a n d i s a m a n i f e s t a t i o n o f love i n t h e b r o a d e s t s e n s e o f t h e
w o r d . A n e s s e n t i a l p a r t o f l i s t e n i n g well i s t h e d i s c i p l i n e o f
bracketing, t h e t e m p o r a r y giving up or setting aside of y o u r
own prejudices, frames of r e f e r e n c e , a n d desires in o r d e r to ex-
p e r i e n c e a s far a s p o s s i b l e a n o t h e r ' s w o r l d f r o m t h e i n s i d e , s t e p -
p i n g inside his o r h e r shoes. T h i s unification o f s p e a k e r a n d
listener is actually an e x t e n s i o n a n d e n l a r g e m e n t of ourselves,
a n d n e w k n o w l e d g e i s always g a i n e d f r o m it. M o r e o v e r , s i n c e lis-
t e n i n g well involves b r a c k e t i n g , it a l s o involves a t e m p o r a r y t o -

tal a c c e p t a n c e o f t h e o t h e r . S e n s i n g this a c c e p t a n c e , t h e s p e a k e r
will feel less a n d less v u l n e r a b l e a n d m o r e a n d m o r e i n c l i n e d t o
o p e n u p t h e i n n e r recesses o f his o r h e r m i n d t o t h e listener. A s
this h a p p e n s , s p e a k e r a n d l i s t e n e r b e g i n t o u n d e r s t a n d e a c h
o t h e r b e t t e r a n d b e t t e r . T r u e c o m m u n i c a t i o n i s u n d e r way a n d
t h e d u e t d a n c e o f love h a s b e g u n . T h e e n e r g y r e q u i r e d f o r t h e
discipline of b r a c k e t i n g a n d the focusing of total attention on
a n o t h e r i s s o g r e a t t h a t i t c a n b e a c c o m p l i s h e d o n l y b y love,
w h i c h I d e f i n e a s t h e will t o e x t e n d o n e s e l f f o r m u t u a l g r o w t h .
M o s t o f t h e t i m e w e l a c k this e n e r g y . E v e n t h o u g h w e m a y
feel i n o u r b u s i n e s s d e a l i n g s o r social r e l a t i o n s h i p s t h a t w e a r e
l i s t e n i n g well, w h a t w e a r e u s u a l l y d o i n g i s l i s t e n i n g selectively.
O f t e n , w e h a v e a p r e s e t a g e n d a i n m i n d a n d w o n d e r a s w e listen
how we can achieve certain desired results to get the conversa-
t i o n o v e r w i t h a s q u i c k l y a s p o s s i b l e o r r e d i r e c t e d i n ways m o r e
satisfactory t o u s . M a n y o f u s a r e far m o r e i n t e r e s t e d i n t a l k i n g
t h a n i n l i s t e n i n g , o r w e s i m p l y r e f u s e t o listen t o w h a t w e d o n ' t
want to hear.
W h i l e i t i s t r u e t h a t o n e ' s c a p a c i t y t o listen well m a y i m -
p r o v e g r a d u a l l y w i t h p r a c t i c e , i t n e v e r b e c o m e s a n effortless
process. It wasn't until toward the e n d of my career as a thera-
pist t h a t I w o u l d s o m e t i m e s a s k m y p a t i e n t s t o g o o v e r s o m e -
t h i n g t h e y h a d s a i d b e c a u s e m y m i n d h a d w a n d e r e d . T h e first
few t i m e s I d i d this, I w o n d e r e d i f t h e y m i g h t q u e s t i o n w h e t h e r
I h a d b e e n l i s t e n i n g a t all a n d w o u l d b e r e s e n t f u l . W h a t I
f o u n d , t o t h e c o n t r a r y , was t h a t t h e y s e e m e d t o u n d e r s t a n d in-
tuitively t h a t a vital e l e m e n t o f t h e c a p a c i t y t o listen well i s b e i n g
alert for t h o s e lapses w h e n o n e is n o t truly listening. A n d my ac-
k n o w l e d g m e n t that m y a t t e n t i o n h a d w a n d e r e d actually reas-
s u r e d t h e m t h a t m o s t o f t h e t i m e I was l i s t e n i n g well.
I h a v e f o u n d t h a t t h e k n o w l e d g e t h a t o n e i s b e i n g t r u l y lis-
t e n e d t o i s f r e q u e n t l y , i n a n d o f itself, r e m a r k a b l y t h e r a p e u t i c .
I n a p p r o x i m a t e l y a q u a r t e r o f t h e p a t i e n t s I saw, w h e t h e r t h e y
were adults o r c h i l d r e n , c o n s i d e r a b l e a n d even d r a m a t i c im-
p r o v e m e n t was s h o w n d u r i n g t h e f i r s t few m o n t h s o f p s y c h o -
therapy, before any of t h e roots of p r o b l e m s h a d b e e n u n c o v e r e d
o r s i g n i f i c a n t i n t e r p r e t a t i o n s h a d b e e n m a d e . T h e r e a r e several
r e a s o n s f o r this p h e n o m e n o n , b u t c h i e f a m o n g t h e m , I b e l i e v e ,
was t h e p a t i e n t ' s s e n s e t h a t h e o r s h e was b e i n g t r u l y l i s t e n e d t o ,
often for t h e first t i m e in y e a r s — a n d for s o m e , p e r h a p s for t h e
f i r s t t i m e ever.
FREEDOM AND THINKING
T h e r e is a sharp distinction between disordered a n d clear

t h i n k i n g . Yet t h e r e i s a r u l e i n p s y c h i a t r y t h a t t h e r e ' s n o s u c h
t h i n g as a b a d t h o u g h t or feeling. It is a useful rule in certain
ways. In o t h e r ways, it is itself s i m p l i s t i c .
We can m a k e ethical j u d g m e n t s only a b o u t actions. If some-
o n e thinks about hitting you and then proceeds to bash you
over t h e h e a d with a l a m p , that is bad. To j u s t think a b o u t d o -
i n g so isn't. This is t h e distinction b e t w e e n private t h o u g h t a n d
" p u b l i c " a c t i o n . T h e l a t t e r involves e x t e r n a l i z i n g o u r t h o u g h t s
b y a c t i n g o n t h e m . I t i s virtually i m p o s s i b l e t o m a k e j u d g m e n t s
a b o u t a person's thoughts w h e n they are n o t translated into be-
havior.
So we arrive at a p a r a d o x r e g a r d i n g f r e e d o m a n d thinking.
O n t h e o n e h a n d , w e a r e free t o t h i n k a n y t h i n g . T o b e h e a l e d ,
we have to be free to be ourselves. But that d o e s n ' t m e a n we are
free t o b e o u r c r i m i n a l selves a n d i m p o s e o u r t h o u g h t s o n o t h -
ers or e n g a g e in destructive actions without consequences.
T h u s , w i t h t h e f r e e d o m t o t h i n k a n d feel a n y t h i n g also c o m e s
t h e responsibility to discipline o u r t h o u g h t s a n d feelings.
S o m e , a s I myself h a d t o , n e e d t o give o u r s e l v e s p e r m i s s i o n t o
l e a r n t o cry. O t h e r s w h o a r e easily h u r t m a y n e e d t o l e a r n n o t t o
cry a s m u c h . W e h a v e t o b e free t o t h i n k a n d feel, b u t t h a t d o e s n ' t
m e a n w e s h o u l d u t t e r every t h o u g h t a l o u d o r always w e a r o u r
h e a r t s o n o u r sleeves.
A g r e a t p e a c e activist, c o n s e r v a t i o n i s t , a n d civil r i g h t s
l e a d e r , P e t e S e e g e r , u s e d t o s i n g a n antifascist G e r m a n s o n g ,
" D i e G e d a n k e n s i n d frei," w h i c h literally t r a n s l a t e s " T h o u g h t s
A r e F r e e . " I n o r d e r t o t h i n k a n d feel, w e h a v e g o t t o feel f r e e .
B u t a s w i t h e v e r y t h i n g e l s e , t h e r e a r e q u a l i f i e r s . F r e e d o m with-
out discipline can get us in trouble. I n d e e d , the freedom to
think anything presents a complex dilemma. T h e r e are freedom-
l i m i t i n g r u l e s f o r g o o d t h i n k i n g , a n d n o t all t h i n k i n g i s g o o d
thinking. P o o r thinking often leads to p o o r behavior. Further-
m o r e , a s w e ' v e s e e n i n t h e e x a m p l e s o f o u r society's s i m p l i s t i c
thinking, t h e r e is m u c h reason to be cautious given th e pre-
p o n d e r a n c e of evidence that a lot of b a d a n d e x t r e m e t h i n k i n g
h a s b e e n i n t e r p r e t e d a s g o o d s i m p l y b e c a u s e i t i s c o m m o n l y ac-
cepted as normal.
I a m r e m i n d e d o f C a t S t e v e n s ' s lyrics t o h i s s o n g " C a n ' t
K e e p I t I n , " w h i c h e n d s w i t h : "Say w h a t y o u m e a n , m e a n w h a t
y o u ' r e t h i n k i n g , t h i n k a n y t h i n g . " I love t h e s o n g , y e t w h e n h e
says, " T h i n k a n y t h i n g , " I g e t a little leery. A l l o w i n g p e o p l e t h e
f r e e d o m t o t h i n k a n y t h i n g c a n b e a scary p r o p o s i t i o n . B u t w e
m u s t , I b e l i e v e , give t h e m t h a t f r e e d o m . A t t h e s a m e t i m e , w e
m u s t r e c o g n i z e t h a t i t d o e s n o t m e a n all p e o p l e a r e g o i n g t o
t h i n k well. I n a c k n o w l e d g i n g o u r f r e e d o m t o t h i n k , w e n e e d al-
ways t o r e m a i n a w a r e t h a t w e c a n m a k e b o t h w r o n g a n d r i g h t
choices. A n d with t h e f r e e d o m to think, we m u s t also l e a r n to
tolerate the freedom of being uncertain.
I c h a m p i o n a p r o p o s a l by a friend of m i n e w h o wants to
u n d e r s c o r e t h e s e p o i n t s i n a s y m b o l i c way. H e b e l i e v e s w e
s h o u l d erect a Statute of Responsibility on the West Coast to
b r i n g b a l a n c e to t h e Statute of Liberty that stands on t h e East
Coast. I n d e e d , we c a n n o t s e p a r a t e f r e e d o m from responsibility.
W i t h t h e f r e e d o m t h a t we have to t h i n k for ourselves, ultimately
we m u s t h o l d ourselves a c c o u n t a b l e for h o w a n d what we think
a n d w h e t h e r w e a r e u s i n g o u r capacity for t h i n k i n g t o g e t t h e
m o s t o u t o f life.
TIME AND EFFICIENCY
A l o n g with t h e belief m o s t p e o p l e have that they naturally k n o w

how to think is an underlying, correlating assumption that
t h i n k i n g d o e s n ' t r e q u i r e m u c h effort o r t i m e . W h i l e w e a r e for-
t u n a t e t o live i n a society t h a t allows u s t o u s e o u r t i m e effi-

ciently in everyday living—as w h e n we c a n pick up dry c l e a n i n g
a n d a m e a l a l o n g t h e s a m e r o u t e o n o u r way h o m e — w e h a v e
c o m e t o e x p e c t r e s u l t s t o b e a s q u i c k a s s e r v i c e a t a fast-food
r e s t a u r a n t . W e a r e e n c o u r a g e d t o u s e o u r t i m e efficiently, b u t
w e s e l d o m t a k e t h e t i m e t o t h i n k efficiently. C o n f r o n t e d w i t h
real-life p r o b l e m s , w e i m a g i n e t h e y c a n b e d e a l t w i t h a s q u i c k l y
a n d easily a s a t h i r t y - m i n u t e t e l e v i s i o n s i t c o m w o u l d p o r t r a y
them to be.
A s a r e s u l t , m a n y p e o p l e s h o w little i n t e r e s t i n c o n t e m p l a -
t i o n . T h e effort i n v o l v e d i n t r u l y t h i n k i n g o f t e n t a k e s a b a c k -
seat, a n d t h e y e n d u p g o i n g i n circles r a t h e r t h a n d e a l i n g w i t h
life's v a r i o u s d i l e m m a s efficiently. T h e y w o u l d n ' t t h i n k o f g o i n g
on a long automobile trip without consulting a m a p a n d decid-
ing which r o u t e to take. B u t in their psychosocial-spiritual j o u r -
n e y t h r o u g h life, t h e y r a r e l y s t o p t o t h i n k a b o u t w h y t h e y ' r e
g o i n g w h e r e t h e y ' r e g o i n g , w h e r e they really w a n t t o g o , o r h o w
b e s t t o p l o t o u t a n d facilitate t h e j o u r n e y .
I n this s i m p l i s t i c a p p r o a c h , w e o f t e n o v e r l o o k v a r i o u s as-
p e c t s o f o u r lives t h a t a r e d e s p e r a t e f o r a t t e n t i o n u n t i l t h e y b e -
c o m e full-blown crises. O r w e dismiss n e w i d e a s t h a t c o u l d f u r t h e r
o u r growth simply b e c a u s e they do n o t fit within the g e n e r a l
framework o f o u r p r e c o n c e i v e d n o t i o n s a n d self-concepts. A n
e n o r m o u s a m o u n t o f t i m e i s s p e n t s i m p l y r e a c t i n g . It's a s i f w e
are robots p r o g r a m m e d to respond on cue to whatever de-
m a n d s t h e least time a n d a t t e n t i o n , a n d disregard a n y t h i n g t h a t
requires p u t t i n g in extra time a n d energy to think. We skim
over t h e surface thoughtlessly. But we m u s t acknowledge that
t h i n k i n g well i s a t i m e - c o n s u m i n g p r o c e s s . W e c a n ' t e x p e c t in-
s t a n t r e s u l t s . W e h a v e t o slow d o w n a b i t a n d t a k e t h e t i m e t o
c o n t e m p l a t e , m e d i t a t e , e v e n pray. I t i s t h e o n l y r o u t e t o a m o r e
m e a n i n g f u l a n d efficient e x i s t e n c e .
I've said b e f o r e t h a t I a m a b o r n c o n t e m p l a t i v e . T h i s
m e a n s that setting aside time to t h i n k — a n d pray—is as natural
t o m e a s b r u s h i n g m y t e e t h . M y r o u t i n e involves a t o t a l o f al-
m o s t two a n d a h a l f h o u r s a day, i n t h r e e s e p a r a t e forty-five-
m i n u t e intervals. No m o r e t h a n a t e n t h of that time is s p e n t
talking to G o d (which is w h a t m o s t p e o p l e would consider

prayer) a n d a n o t h e r t e n t h listening for G o d (a definition of
m e d i t a t i o n ) . For t h e rest of the time, I'm j u s t thinking, sorting
o u t my priorities a n d weighing options before m a k i n g deci-
s i o n s . I call it my p r a y e r t i m e b e c a u s e if I s i m p l y c a l l e d it my
t h i n k i n g t i m e , p e o p l e w o u l d view i t a s less "holy" a n d feel free
t o i n t e r r u p t m e . B u t I ' m n o t b e i n g d i s h o n e s t . I n m a n y ways,
t h i n k i n g is akin to prayer.
M y favorite d e f i n i t i o n o f p r a y e r — o n e t h a t d o e s n ' t e v e n m e n -
tion G o d — c o m e s from Matthew Fox, w h o described prayer as
" a r a d i c a l r e s p o n s e t o t h e m y s t e r i e s o f life." T h u s , p r a y e r h a s
everything to do with t h i n k i n g . Before we can r e s p o n d radically
we first n e e d to t h i n k radically. To t h i n k well is a r a d i c a l activity.
It's i m p o r t a n t t o clarify w h a t I m e a n b y t h e w o r d " r a d i c a l . "
I t c o m e s f r o m t h e L a t i n radix, " r o o t . " T h u s , t o b e r a d i c a l i s t o
get d o w n to the root of things, p e n e t r a t i n g their essence a n d
n o t b e i n g distracted by superficialities. T h e closest s y n o n y m for
"radical" is " f u n d a m e n t a l , " w h i c h m e a n s basic or essential. Fun-
d a m e n t a l s a r e w h a t i s really i m p o r t a n t . C u r i o u s l y , t h e n o u n
" r a d i c a l " is u s e d to d e s c r i b e a left-wing, b o m b - t h r o w i n g a n a r -
chist, w h i l e t h e n o u n " f u n d a m e n t a l i s t " i s u s e d t o d e s c r i b e a
ring-wing extremist. I m e a n to imply n e i t h e r of those mind-sets
in my use of these words. Rather, I m e a n that anyone w h o
t h i n k s deeply a b o u t f u n d a m e n t a l s will, by d e f i n i t i o n , be a r a d i -
cal. A n d t h e a c t i o n s t h a t s t e m f r o m t h a t k i n d o f t h i n k i n g will
also b e r a d i c a l i n t h e s e n s e t h a t t h e y will a d d r e s s a n d s e e k t o
solve life's m o s t i m p o r t a n t p r o b l e m s . T h e s a m e h o l d s t r u e f o r
prayer. P r a y e r i s u s e l e s s u n l e s s i t i s t r a n s l a t e d i n t o m e a n i n g f u l
action.
Radical t h i n k e r s are also i n d e p e n d e n t t h i n k e r s . But they
k n o w t h a t t h e y c a n n o t s i m p l y rely o n t h e m s e l v e s . T o t h i n k in-
d e p e n d e n t l y d o e s n o t m e a n g o i n g t o a n e x t r e m e t h a t w o u l d ex-
clude information a n d learning from others. T h e r e f o r e , while
it is p r o p e r t h a t we t h i n k for ourselves, t h a t d o e s n o t imply t h a t
w e a c t like r e b e l l i o u s c h i l d r e n , r e j e c t i n g all c o n v e n t i o n a l wis-
d o m a n d d i s m i s s i n g all s o c i e t a l n o r m s . T h a t w o u l d b e a n u n -
necessary e x p e n d i t u r e of e n e r g y a n d an inefficient waste of
time. Rather, we can learn m u c h from g o o d leaders a n d teach-

e r s — f o r m a l l y a n d i n f o r m a l l y . I t i s t h r o u g h t h o s e w h o t h i n k well
t h a t w e c a n f i n d g o o d e x a m p l e s o f w h a t i t m e a n s t o b e efficient
a n d live life fully.
I consider o n e ( a m o n g many) of my identities to be that of
an efficiency e x p e r t . B o t h as a p s y c h i a t r i s t a n d as a writer, I h a v e
w o r k e d t o h e l p p e o p l e live t h e i r lives m o r e e f f i c i e n t l y — n o t n e c -
essarily t o b e h a p p y o r c o m f o r t a b l e all t h e t i m e , b u t r a t h e r t o
l e a r n as m u c h as possible in any given situation a n d get t h e
m o s t o u t o f life.
W h e n I was still l e c t u r i n g , p e o p l e o f t e n a s k e d h o w I m a n -
aged to do so m u c h — l e c t u r i n g , writing, b e i n g a father a n d a
h u s b a n d , a c o m m u n i t y activist a n d a n avid r e a d e r . M y r e s p o n s e
was t h a t b e c a u s e I s p e n t a t l e a s t two h o u r s a d a y d o i n g n o t h -
i n g — t h a t is, t a k i n g t h e t i m e t o t h i n k , pray, a n d o r g a n i z e m y p r i -
o r i t i e s — I b e c a m e m o r e efficient.
W h e n y o u a r e efficient, y o u c a n a c c o m p l i s h m o r e t h i n g s i n
a s h o r t e r t i m e . I n t h i n k i n g efficiently, y o u l e a r n h o w t o give p r i -
o r i t y t o w h a t ' s i m p o r t a n t i n o r d e r t o face life's difficulties h e a d -
o n r a t h e r t h a n p r e t e n d t h e y a r e i n c o n s e q u e n t i a l . Efficiency
n e c e s s a r i l y i n c l u d e s d i s c i p l i n e . B e i n g d i s c i p l i n e d involves a n
ability to d e l a y g r a t i f i c a t i o n as well as a w i l l i n g n e s s to c o n s i d e r
a l t e r n a t i v e s . O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , t h i n k i n g simplistically l e a d s
you to m a k e undisciplined, knee-jerk responses rather than
c o n s i d e r i n g c h o i c e s t h a t w o u l d l e a d t o wise a n d p r o d u c t i v e d e -
cisions.
B e i n g efficient d o e s n o t m e a n w e s h o u l d b e c o m e c o n t r o l
freaks. I t w o u l d b e l u d i c r o u s t o a t t e m p t t o p l a n o u t every m o -
m e n t o f every d a y o f o n e ' s life. Efficiency m e a n s n o t o n l y p l a n -
ning b u t preparing. W h e n emergency situations c o m e u p , as
t h e y i n e v i t a b l y will, w e will b e f r e e t o r e s p o n d t o t h e m o s t i m -
portant needs at the time because we have d o n e o u r h o m e -
w o r k . Efficiency involves a t t e n t i v e n e s s t o t h o s e t h i n g s t h a t m u s t
be dealt with before they b e c o m e such o v e r w h e l m i n g p r o b l e m s
t h a t t h e y c a u s e far m o r e d a m a g e t h a n n e c e s s a r y .
S i m p l i s m i s i n e f f i c i e n t a n d t h e lazy way o u t . N o p r o g r e s s i s
p o s s i b l e w h e n i l l e g i t i m a t e s h o r t c u t s i n t h i n k i n g a r e t a k e n i n or-
d e r t o a v o i d t h e l e g i t i m a t e effort a n d s u f f e r i n g t h a t a c c o m p a n y
the discipline of problem-solving. N o t only is simplism a m e a n s
b y w h i c h t o h a r b o r t h e i l l u s i o n t h a t t h e r e a r e easy a n s w e r s , i t i s
a s u r e p a t h to b e c o m i n g rigid a n d stuck. T h a t ' s why I distin-
g u i s h b e t w e e n t h e s i m p l i s m t h a t involves s i m p l e m i n d e d a n -
swers, a n d t h e efficient simplicity o f o r d e r i n g o n e ' s p r i o r i t i e s
before m a k i n g choices. T h e distinction is crucial if we are to
t h i n k a n d a c t w i t h integrity.
PARADOX AND THINKING WITH INTEGRITY
I believe that those w h o subscribe to t h e n o t i o n that t h e r e a r e

easy a n s w e r s — a s i n g l e r e a s o n f o r e v e r y t h i n g — a c t u a l l y p r o m o t e
s i m p l i s m a n d i n t e l l e c t u a l b i g o t r y . I h a v e f o u n d , i n m y w i d e trav-
els, t h a t w h e r e v e r I g o s u c h b i g o t r y i s t h e n o r m r a t h e r t h a n t h e
e x c e p t i o n . If we a s s u m e t h a t t h e r e is a r e a s o n for everything,
n a t u r a l l y w e g o l o o k i n g f o r it—and dismiss all o t h e r possibili-
ties t h a t p o t e n t i a l l y c o n f l i c t w i t h it—when w e s h o u l d b e look-
i n g f o r them. I a m a s t o n i s h e d b y t h e n u m b e r o f w e l l - e d u c a t e d
p e o p l e w h o offer o r s e e k s i m p l e - m i n d e d e x p l a n a t i o n s f o r c o m -
plicated p h e n o m e n a r a n g i n g from riots, homosexuality, a n d
a b o r t i o n to poverty, illness, evil, a n d war. I b e l i e v e it w o u l d o f t e n
b e c o n s i d e r a b l y h e a l t h i e r f o r u s t o d a r e t o live w i t h o u t a r e a s o n
for m a n y t h i n g s t h a n t o live w i t h r e a s o n s t h a t a r e s i m p l i s t i c .
In In Search of Stones, I w r o t e of a c o n v e r s a t i o n I h a d w i t h a
wealthy white stockbroker. W h i l e s p e a k i n g of t h e riots in Los
Angeles following a jury's decision t h a t t h e police w h o b e a t
R o d n e y K i n g w e r e n o t guilty o f a c r i m e , t h e s t o c k b r o k e r — a
h i g h l y e d u c a t e d , i n t e l l i g e n t , a n d successful m a n — t o l d m e w i t h
a s s u r a n c e t h a t t h e r e a s o n f o r t h e r i o t s was " t h e d e c l i n e i n f a m -
ily v a l u e s . " H e d e d u c e d t h i s f r o m h i s o b s e r v a t i o n t h a t virtually
all t h e r i o t e r s w e r e y o u n g b l a c k m a l e s . "If t h e y ' d b e e n m a r r i e d
a n d w o r k i n g t o s u p p o r t t h e i r families, t h e y w o u l d n ' t h a v e h a d
time to riot," he e x p l a i n e d .
I p r a c t i c a l l y e x p l o d e d . I t o l d h i m t h a t f o r two h u n d r e d
y e a r s u n d e r slavery w e h a d n ' t allowed m o s t b l a c k s t o m a r r y o r
h a v e l e g a l families. W e m a d e t h e i r family v a l u e s illegal. I g a v e
h i m s e v e r a l c u l t u r a l a n d h i s t o r i c a l r e a s o n s why, o n t h e a v e r a g e ,
black w o m e n are better educated a n d m o r e employable t h a n
b l a c k m e n . I r e m i n d e d h i m t h a t t h e e c o n o m i c r e c e s s i o n i n Cal-
i f o r n i a a t t h e t i m e was w o r s e t h a n t h a t o f a n y o t h e r s t a t e . I
s p o k e o f t h e d e c l i n e o f government v a l u e s i n t h e U n i t e d S t a t e s . I
talked a b o u t the oppression of prejudice a n d the psychology of
d e s p a i r . " T h e ' d e c l i n e ' o f family v a l u e s m a y h a v e b e e n o n e o f
t h e reasons for t h e riots," I c o n c l u d e d , "but only o n e of many,
of a w h o l e c o m p l e x of reasons."
I was t e a c h i n g h i m a b o u t " o v e r d e t e r m i n a t i o n , " t h e c o n -
c e p t that everything i m p o r t a n t has multiple causes. Far from
b e i n g simplistic, o v e r d e t e r m i n a t i o n d e m a n d s t h e i n t e g r a t i o n
of multiple dimensions in o r d e r to see t h e whole picture. It is
n e c e s s a r y f o r t h e u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f m a n y issues. T o t h i n k well
m e a n s t o p e r c e i v e i n m u l t i d i m e n s i o n a l ways. I t i s t h e e s s e n c e o f
t h i n k i n g with integrity. T h e w o r d "integrity" c o m e s f r o m t h e
n o u n " i n t e g e r , " w h i c h signifies w h o l e n e s s , e n t i r e t y , c o m p l e t i o n .
T o t h i n k a n d u l t i m a t e l y t o a c t w i t h integrity, w e h a v e t o i n t e -
grate the multiple reasons a n d dimensions of o u r incredibly
c o m p l e x world.
We psychiatrists have a v e r b for t h e o p p o s i t e of "integrate":
"compartmentalize." To compartmentalize is to take things that
a r e p r o p e r l y r e l a t e d a n d stick t h e m i n s e p a r a t e , a i r t i g h t c o m -
partments in o u r minds where they d o n ' t have to r u b up against
e a c h o t h e r a n d c a u s e u s a n y stress o r p a i n , f r i c t i o n o r t e n s i o n .
An e x a m p l e I c i t e d in The Different Drum a n d In Search of Stones
would be that of the m a n w h o goes to c h u r c h on Sunday m o r n -
i n g , d e v o u t l y b e l i e v i n g t h a t h e loves G o d a n d G o d ' s c r e a t i o n ,
a n d t h e n o n M o n d a y has n o t r o u b l e with his c o m p a n y ' s policy
o f d u m p i n g t o x i c wastes i n t h e l o c a l s t r e a m . T h i s is, o f c o u r s e ,
b e c a u s e h e h a s p u t his religion i n o n e c o m p a r t m e n t a n d his
b u s i n e s s i n a n o t h e r . H e i s w h a t w e h a v e c o m e t o call a S u n d a y
m o r n i n g C h r i s t i a n . I t i s a very c o m f o r t a b l e way t o o p e r a t e , b u t
i n t e g r i t y it is n o t .
T o t h i n k a n d a c t w i t h i n t e g r i t y r e q u i r e s t h a t w e fully e x p e -
rience t h e tensions of c o m p e t i n g t h o u g h t s a n d d e m a n d s . It re-
q u i r e s t h a t w e ask t h e c r u c i a l q u e s t i o n : H a s a n y t h i n g b e e n left
o u t ? I t r e q u i r e s u s t o l o o k b e y o n d o u r u s u a l l y s i m p l i s t i c illu-
s i o n s a n d a s s u m p t i o n s t o try t o d i s c o v e r w h a t i s m i s s i n g .
Early i n m y p s y c h i a t r i c t r a i n i n g , I was t a u g h t t h a t w h a t t h e
p a t i e n t d o e s not say i s m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n w h a t h e o r s h e d o e s
say. T h i s i s a n e x c e l l e n t g u i d e f o r g e t t i n g t o t h e r o o t o f w h a t i s
m i s s i n g . F o r i n s t a n c e , d u r i n g t h e c o u r s e o f a few p s y c h o t h e r a -
p e u t i c sessions, h e a l t h y p a t i e n t s will t a l k o f t h e i r p r e s e n t , past,
a n d future in a well-integrated fashion. S h o u l d a p a t i e n t speak
only o f t h e p r e s e n t a n d future, n e v e r m e n t i o n i n g t h e past, y o u
can be sure that t h e r e is at least o n e u n i n t e g r a t e d , unresolved,
a n d i m p o r t a n t issue i n c h i l d h o o d t h a t m u s t b e b r o u g h t t o l i g h t
f o r full h e a l i n g . I f t h e p a t i e n t o n l y s p e a k s o f h e r c h i l d h o o d a n d
h e r f u t u r e , t h e t h e r a p i s t c a n tell t h a t s h e h a s s o m e m a j o r diffi-
culty d e a l i n g w i t h t h e h e r e a n d n o w — o f t e n a difficulty c o n -
n e c t e d w i t h i n t i m a c y a n d risk. A n d s h o u l d t h e p a t i e n t n e v e r
m a k e m e n t i o n o f h i s f u t u r e , o n e m i g h t p r o p e r l y b e l e d t o sus-
p e c t t h a t h e h a s a p r o b l e m w i t h fantasy a n d h o p e .
I f y o u w a n t t o t h i n k w i t h integrity, a n d a r e w i l l i n g t o b e a r
t h e p a i n i n v o l v e d , y o u will i n e v i t a b l y e n c o u n t e r p a r a d o x . T h e
G r e e k w o r d para m e a n s "by t h e s i d e of, b e s i d e , a l o n g s i d e , p a s t ,
b e y o n d . " Doxa m e a n s o p i n i o n . T h u s , a p a r a d o x i s " a s t a t e m e n t
c o n t r a r y t o c o m m o n belief, o r o n e t h a t s e e m s c o n t r a d i c t o r y ,
u n b e l i e v a b l e , o r a b s u r d b u t m a y a c t u a l l y b e t r u e i n fact." I f a
c o n c e p t i s p a r a d o x i c a l , t h a t i n itself s h o u l d s u g g e s t t h a t i t
smacks of integrity a n d has t h e ring of t r u t h . Conversely, if a
c o n c e p t i s n o t i n t h e least p a r a d o x i c a l , y o u m a y s u s p e c t t h a t i t
has failed to i n t e g r a t e s o m e aspect of t h e w h o l e .
T h e e t h i c o f r u g g e d i n d i v i d u a l i s m i s a n e x a m p l e . M a n y fall
p r e y t o this i l l u s i o n b e c a u s e t h e y d o n o t o r will n o t t h i n k w i t h
integrity. F o r t h e reality i s t h a t w e d o n o t exist e i t h e r b y o r f o r
o u r s e l v e s . If I t h i n k w i t h i n t e g r i t y at all, I h a v e to r e c o g n i z e i m -
m e d i a t e l y t h a t m y life i s n u r t u r e d n o t o n l y b y t h e e a r t h a n d t h e
r a i n a n d t h e s u n b u t also b y f a r m e r s , p u b l i s h e r s , a n d b o o k -
sellers, a s well a s b y m y c h i l d r e n , wife, f r i e n d s , a n d t e a c h e r s —
i n d e e d , b y t h e e n t i r e f a b r i c o f family, society, a n d c r e a t i o n . I a m
n o t solely a n i n d i v i d u a l . I a m i n t e r d e p e n d e n t , a n d m u c h o f t h e
time I do n o t even have t h e right to act "ruggedly."
I f n o p i e c e s o f reality a r e m i s s i n g f r o m t h e p i c t u r e , i f all t h e
d i m e n s i o n s a r e i n t e g r a t e d , y o u will p r o b a b l y b e c o n f r o n t e d b y
a p a r a d o x . W h e n y o u g e t t o t h e r o o t o f t h i n g s , virtually all t r u t h
i s p a r a d o x i c a l . T h e t r u t h is, for e x a m p l e , t h a t I a m a n d I a m n o t
a n i n d i v i d u a l . T h u s , t o s e e k t h e t r u t h involves a n i n t e g r a t i o n o f
t h i n g s t h a t s e e m t o b e s e p a r a t e a n d l o o k like o p p o s i t e s w h e n , i n
reality, t h e y a r e i n t e r t w i n e d a n d r e l a t e d i n s o m e ways. R e a l i t y it-
self i s p a r a d o x i c a l , i n t h a t w h i l e m a n y t h i n g s i n a n d a b o u t life
seem simple on the surface, they are often c o m p l e x — a l t h o u g h
n o t always c o m p l i c a t e d . T h e r e i s a d i f f e r e n c e , j u s t a s c l e a r a s
t h e d i f f e r e n c e b e t w e e n s i m p l i s m a n d simplicity. T h e r e is, i n
fact, a g r e a t s i m p l i c i t y to w h o l e n e s s .
The Road Less Traveled is filled w i t h p a r a d o x e s . I w r o t e t h a t
"life i s difficult b e c a u s e t h e p r o c e s s o f c o n f r o n t i n g a n d s o l v i n g
p r o b l e m s is a p a i n f u l o n e . " B u t w h e n I say t h a t life is difficult,
I ' m n o t s u g g e s t i n g t h a t i t i s n e v e r easy o r r e w a r d i n g . T o say t h a t
life i s difficult w i t h o u t q u a l i f y i n g t h e s t a t e m e n t w o u l d b e t o s u b -
s c r i b e t o t h e i d e a t h a t "life i s difficult a n d t h e n w e d i e . " I t i s a
s i m p l i s t i c a n d n i h i l i s t i c n o t i o n . I t d i s c o u n t s all b e a u t y , g o o d -
ness, o p p o r t u n i t i e s for spiritual growth, serenity, a n d o t h e r
w o n d e r f u l a s p e c t s o f living. I n d e e d , o n e o f t h e m y s t e r i o u s a n d
p a r a d o x i c a l r e a l i t i e s i s t h a t i n a d d i t i o n t o t h e p a i n t h a t life
b r i n g s , living c a n b e a c c o m p a n i e d b y a n u n f a t h o m e d j o y o n c e
we get past the pain.
To u n d e r s t a n d p a r a d o x ultimately m e a n s b e i n g able to
g r a s p two c o n t r a d i c t o r y c o n c e p t s i n o n e ' s m i n d w i t h o u t g o i n g
crazy. As a psychiatrist, I do n o t u s e t h e w o r d "crazy" in a f l i p p a n t
way. I t c a n a c t u a l l y m a k e p e o p l e feel crazy w h e n s o m e t h i n g t h e y
have t a k e n for g r a n t e d a s t r u t h — a n d t h e only t r u t h — c o m e s
i n t o q u e s t i o n . I t i s c e r t a i n l y a skill o f m e n t a l a c r o b a t i c s t o b e
able to juggle opposing ideas in one's m i n d without automati-
cally n e g a t i n g o r r e j e c t i n g t h e reality o f e i t h e r i d e a . B u t e v e n
when the strongest impulse is to want to deny something that
o n e f i n d s h a r d t o d i g e s t — s u c h a s t h e fact t h a t evil c o e x i s t s w i t h
g o o d i n o u r w o r l d — t h e ability t o u n d e r s t a n d p a r a d o x i s n e c e s -
sary i n t h e p r o c e s s o f s o r t i n g t h r o u g h i l l u s i o n s , h a l f - t r u t h s , a n d
o u t r i g h t lies.
A l m o s t all o f u s h a v e t h e c a p a c i t y t o t h i n k p a r a d o x i c a l l y .
T h e e x t e n t t o w h i c h w e n e g l e c t o r u s e this c a p a b i l i t y varies
greatly. I t i s n o t s o m u c h d e t e r m i n e d b y o u r I Q s a s b y t h e d e p t h
of practice we put into thinking. To b e c o m e keen in paradoxi-
cal r e a s o n i n g , y o u m u s t , a s t h e saying g o e s , u s e i t o r l o s e it. T h e
m o r e w e use o u r capacity for t h i n k i n g paradoxically, t h e m o r e
likely we will e x p a n d this ability.
I t i s u n q u e s t i o n a b l e t h a t c e r t a i n c h a n g e s a r e n e e d e d i n so-
ciety t o e n c o u r a g e b e t t e r t h i n k i n g . B u t a t t h e s a m e t i m e , e a c h
individual is r e s p o n s i b l e for his or h e r own t h i n k i n g a n d h o w to
m e e t this c h a l l e n g e . U l t i m a t e l y , i f w e c a n t e a c h p e o p l e t o t h i n k
well, w e c o u l d h e a l m o s t o f t h e ills o f i n d i v i d u a l s a n d m o s t o f
t h e ills o f society. I n t h e e n d , h o w e v e r , t h e b e n e f i t s o f t h i n k i n g
well a r e w o r t h t h e e f f o r t — a n d far b e t t e r t h a n t h e a l t e r n a t i v e .
T h i s is u l t i m a t e l y a h o p e f u l b u s i n e s s . L o n g a g o I h e a r d it said:
" O n c e a m i n d i s t r u l y s t r e t c h e d , i t n e v e r r e t u r n s t o its f o r m e r di-
mensions."
C H A P T E R 2
Consciousness
THE POINT OF THINKING WELL IS to b e c o m e m o r e c o n s c i o u s ,

w h i c h , i n t u r n , i s a p r e r e q u i s i t e f o r s o l v i n g p r o b l e m s well. B u t
what is consciousness? A n d why is it t h e point?
C o n s c i o u s n e s s i s a m o n g t h e m a n y t h i n g s — s u c h a s love,
prayer, b e a u t y , a n d c o m m u n i t y — t h a t a r e t o o l a r g e , c o m p l e x ,
a n d mysterious to s u b m i t to any single a d e q u a t e definition. In
The Road Less Traveled, I c o n c l u d e d t h e s e c t i o n a b o u t love w i t h a
subsection entitled " T h e Mystery of Love." T h e r e i n , h a v i n g
g o n e o n f o r a h u n d r e d p a g e s a s i f I k n e w w h a t love was all
a b o u t , I r a i s e d m a n y issues o f love I c o u l d n ' t e v e n b e g i n t o ex-
plain.
In In Search of Stones, I w r o t e t h a t a r t is also h a r d to d e f i n e .
O n e o f t h e c h a r a c t e r i s t i c s o f a r t i s its u n r e a s o n a b l e n e s s . O t h e r
h u m a n creations have a n obvious r e a s o n . T h e y a r e necessary,
useful, a n d s e r v e a c l e a r f u n c t i o n . F e w w o u l d p o n d e r t h e p u r -
p o s e o f a f o r k o r s p o o n , a k n i f e o r a n ax, a h o u s e o r a n office
building. But as soon as you carve s o m e t h i n g into the h a n d l e of
that fork or t h e b l a d e of t h a t knife or t h e m o l d i n g of t h a t build-
ing, you a r e e n g a g i n g in t h e practice of a d o r n m e n t a n d have
e n t e r e d t h e n o t e n t i r e l y r e a s o n a b l e — o r easily d e f i n a b l e — r e a l m
of art. W h e t h e r we use m a k e u p on ourselves, p a i n t on canvas,
carve o n s t o n e s , w r i t e p o e t r y , o r m a k e m u s i c , w e a r e d o i n g
something very—and u n i q u e l y — h u m a n . Therefore, art implies
c o n s c i o u s n e s s : n o t o n l y o f self, a s t h e p r a c t i c e o f s e l f - a d o r n m e n t
d e m o n s t r a t e s , b u t also consciousness of t h i n g s — a n d b e a u t y —
external to ourselves.
T h a t t h e r e is no single a d e q u a t e definition of conscious-
ness is n o t surprising. For the most part, we can define only
t h o s e t h i n g s t h a t a r e s m a l l e r t h a n w e a r e . I b e l i e v e t h a t all t h o s e
t h i n g s t o o l a r g e for a s i n g l e , s i m p l i s t i c d e f i n i t i o n , i n c l u d i n g
consciousness, ultimately have s o m e t h i n g to do with God. T h a t
i s why, f o r e x a m p l e , t h e M u s l i m s h a v e a p r o h i b i t i o n a g a i n s t a n y
image of God: it could not capture or define God, but would
o n l y r e p r e s e n t a tiny s e g m e n t o f t h e w h o l e a n d h e n c e w o u l d b e ,
in a s e n s e , a d e s e c r a t i o n .
THE MYSTERY OF CONSCIOUSNESS
D e s c a r t e s i s m o s t f a m o u s for h i s s t a t e m e n t " C o g i t o , e r g o s u m " —

"I think, t h e r e f o r e I am." I w o u l d substitute t h e w o r d "con-
s c i o u s " a n d say, " I a m c o n s c i o u s [ o r a w a r e ] t h a t I a m t h i n k i n g ;
therefore I am."
D o e s this m e a n t h a t u n c o n s c i o u s ' t h i n g s d o n ' t exist?
Hardly. Even if we assume that the trees outside my window do
n o t have consciousness, I very m u c h enjoy t h e i r p r e s e n c e a n d
am aware of their existence as entities separate from m e . T h e y
d i s p l a y definitive s i g n s o f l i f e — w i t h o u t p r o v o c a t i o n f r o m h u -
mans. Constantly invigorated by the earth, rain, a n d sunlight,
t h e i r leaves c h a n g e c o l o r s a s t h e y a d j u s t t o t h e s e a s o n s . I n d e e d ,
w e have n o k n o w l e d g e t h a t t h e trees o r t h e grass o r even t h e
stones a r e n ' t conscious. T h e belief that they have no kind of
self-awareness i s s i m p l y a n a s s u m p t i o n . T h e y m a y b e a w a r e i n
s o m e d i f f e r e n t way t h a n w e a r e . W o u l d t h a t I c o u l d r e a d t h e
m i n d o f a d e e r o r a f l o w e r o r a d o l p h i n a n d u n d e r s t a n d its c o n -
sciousness, b u t I can't.
S o this n o t i o n o f c o n s c i o u s n e s s , o r self-awareness, i s n o t
simple. Generally, we t e n d to t h i n k of consciousness as that
which distinguishes h u m a n beings from other creatures. On
t h e o n e h a n d , t h e whole world is a n i m a t e with consciousness—
alive, a w a r e , g r o w i n g a n d c h a n g i n g . A t t h e s a m e t i m e , w e a r e all
m i r e d i n u n c o n s c i o u s n e s s , a n d this c a n b e s e e n q u i t e o b v i o u s l y
a m o n g h u m a n s — g i v e n t h e reality t h a t w h i l e s o m e p e o p l e t h i n k
i n d e p t h , m a n y t h i n k very little a n d s o m e s i m p l y fail t o t h i n k a t
all.
In The Road Less Traveled, I w r o t e t h a t we h a v e b o t h a c o n -
scious m i n d a n d a n u n c o n s c i o u s m i n d . T h e c o n s c i o u s m i n d
makes decisions a n d translates t h e m into action. T h e u n c o n -
scious m i n d r e s i d e s b e l o w t h e s u r f a c e ; i t i s t h e p o s s e s s o r o f ex-
t r a o r d i n a r y k n o w l e d g e t h a t w e a r e n ' t n a t u r a l l y a w a r e of. I t
k n o w s m o r e t h a n w e k n o w — t h e "we" b e i n g d e f i n e d a s o u r c o n -
scious self. H o w w e c o m e t o k n o w t h a t w h i c h i s h i d d e n a n d u n -
conscious, is mystery—and mysterious. But we do have s o m e
hints a b o u t w h a t is involved in the d e v e l o p m e n t of conscious-
ness.
REVISITING O U R FRONTAL LOBES
In the preceding chapter, I wrote that o n e of the things that

seems to distinguish h u m a n beings from the other creatures is
o u r r e l a t i v e l a c k o f i n s t i n c t s . H a v i n g few i n s t i n c t s , w e a r e c o m -
p e l l e d t o l e a r n . S i n c e w e d o n ' t instinctively k n o w m a n y t h i n g s ,
we have to be t a u g h t h o w to b e h a v e a n d deal with p r o b l e m s in
life.
T h e m o s t primitive of o u r limited instincts are called re-
flexes. A n e x a m p l e o f a r e f l e x i s o u r r e s p o n s e t o s u d d e n p a i n .
P u t y o u r h a n d o n a h o t stove b u r n e r a c c i d e n t a l l y , a n d y o u will
i m m e d i a t e l y p u l l i t away, e v e n b e f o r e y o u h a v e felt t h e p a i n .
This is b e c a u s e t h e r e a r e "reflex arcs" in o u r spinal c o r d . T h e
i n c o m i n g p a i n m e s s a g e s will a r c o v e r t o n e r v e f i b e r s g o i n g t h e
o t h e r way t h a t c o n t r o l m o v e m e n t w i t h o u t t h e b r a i n itself e v e n
b e i n g i n v o l v e d . B u t i f t h e p a i n i s a t all s e v e r e , t h e b r a i n will v e r y
q u i c k l y b e c o m e a w a r e — c o n s c i o u s — o f i t a n d w e will e x p e r i -
e n c e t h e a g o n y m e n t a l l y a s well a s physically.
C o n s c i o u s n e s s h a s n o specific site i n t h e b r a i n . N o n e t h e -
less, i n s o f a r a s i t c a n b e r e g i o n a l i z e d , i t i s m o r e l o c a l i z e d i n o u r
f r o n t a l l o b e s t h a n a n y p l a c e else. T u m o r s o f o u r f r o n t a l l o b e s
66 M. Scott Peck, M.D. /
will o f t e n first m a n i f e s t t h e m s e l v e s i n d i m i n i s h e d a w a r e n e s s
a n d a l e r t n e s s , a n d h e n c e a d i m i n i s h e d c a p a c i t y t o solve c o m -
plex problems.
For m a n y years, neuropsychiatrists p e r f o r m e d prefrontal
lobotomies on certain schizophrenic patients who were in
a g o n y as a r e s u l t of fixed d e l u s i o n s . T h e s u r g i c a l p r o c e d u r e is a
s i m p l e o n e t h a t severs t h e c o n n e c t i o n s b e t w e e n t h e p r e f r o n t a l
lobes (the m o s t highly evolved p a r t of o u r brain) a n d t h e rest of
t h e brain. In o t h e r words, with this o p e r a t i o n , s u r g e o n s ren-
d e r e d dysfunctional the most developed or h u m a n part of the
b r a i n . T h e y d i d n o t d o this o u t o f cruelty. I n d e e d , i n m y c a r e e r
I h a v e s e e n several p a t i e n t s w i t h p r e f r o n t a l l o b o t o m i e s w h o r e -
p o r t e d t o m e t h a t t h e o p e r a t i o n was t h e b e s t t h i n g t h a t e v e r
h a p p e n e d i n t h e i r lives b e c a u s e i t h a d r e l i e v e d t h e m o f y e a r s o f
e x c r u c i a t i n g misery. B u t t h e p r i c e t h e y p a i d was a loss o f p a r t o f
t h e i r h u m a n i t y ; t h e s e p a t i e n t s d e m o n s t r a t e d a loss o f f i n e j u d g -
m e n t . T h e o p e r a t i o n h a d t a k e n away t h e i r a g o n y b u t i t left
t h e m w i t h a d i s t i n c t l y l i m i t e d self-awareness a n d r e s t r i c t e d t h e i r
range of emotional responses.
LESSONS FROM GENESIS 3
T h e s c i e n c e s o f a n t h r o p o l o g y a n d n e u r o a n a t o m y s t r o n g l y sug-
g e s t t h a t t h e d i r e c t i o n o f all e v o l u t i o n i s t o w a r d t h e d e v e l o p -
m e n t of the frontal lobes a n d h e n c e the d e v e l o p m e n t of
c o n s c i o u s n e s s . B u t t h e B i b l e a n d m y t h o l o g y also h a v e m u c h t o
teach about the evolution of h u m a n consciousness. T h e great
myth of Genesis 3, o n e of the most complicated a n d multidi-
mensional myths a b o u t o u r humanity, provides us with a n o t h e r
m a j o r h i n t . I n it, G o d f o r b i d s A d a m a n d Eve t o e a t o f t h e fruit
o f t h e T r e e o f t h e K n o w l e d g e o f G o o d a n d Evil. I n s t e a d — u r g e d
b y a fallen a n g e l , w e a r e t o l d — t h e y give i n t o t e m p t a t i o n . I n
t h e i r d i s o b e d i e n c e , t h e y h i d e f r o m G o d . W h e n G o d asks w h y
they are hiding, they explain it is because they are naked. "Who
t o l d y o u y o u w e r e n a k e d ? " G o d asks. A n d t h e s e c r e t i s o u t .
In o t h e r words, the first result of eating of the Tree of the

K n o w l e d g e o f G o o d a n d Evil i s t h a t A d a m a n d Eve b e c o m e shy
o r m o d e s t b e c a u s e t h e y a r e n o w self-conscious. T h e y a r e a w a r e
t h a t t h e y a r e n a k e d . F r o m this w e c a n a l s o e x t r a p o l a t e t h a t t h e
e m o t i o n s of guilt a n d s h a m e are manifestations of conscious-
ness, a n d a l t h o u g h b o t h e m o t i o n s can b e e x a g g e r a t e d t o t h e
p o i n t o f p a t h o l o g y , w i t h i n limits t h e y a r e a n e s s e n t i a l p a r t o f
o u r h u m a n i t y a n d necessary for o u r psychological d e v e l o p m e n t
a n d f u n c t i o n i n g . So G e n e s i s 3 is a m y t h of e v o l u t i o n , a n d specif-
ically o f h u m a n e v o l u t i o n i n t o c o n s c i o u s n e s s . L i k e o t h e r m y t h s ,
it is an e m b o d i m e n t of truth. A n d a m o n g the many truthful
t h i n g s t h e m y t h o f t h e G a r d e n o f E d e n tells u s i s t h a t i t i s h u -
m a n t o b e shy.
I have h a d the opportunity to m e e t a great n u m b e r of won-
derful, deep-thinking people, a n d I have never m e t such a per-
s o n w h o was n o t basically shy. A few o f t h e m h a d n o t t h o u g h t o f
t h e m s e l v e s a s shy, b u t a s w e t a l k e d a b o u t it, t h e y c a m e t o r e a l i z e
t h a t t h e y w e r e . A n d t h e v e r y few p e o p l e I h a v e m e t w h o w e r e
n o t t h e l e a s t b i t shy w e r e p e o p l e w h o h a d b e e n s e r i o u s l y d a m -
a g e d i n s o m e way, w h o h a d lost s o m e o f t h e i r h u m a n i t y .
W h e n w e h u m a n s b e c a m e self-conscious, w e b e c a m e c o n -
s c i o u s o f o u r s e l v e s a s s e p a r a t e e n t i t i e s . W e lost t h a t s e n s e o f
o n e n e s s w i t h n a t u r e a n d t h e r e s t o f c r e a t i o n . T h i s loss i s sym-
b o l i z e d b y p u r b a n i s h m e n t f r o m P a r a d i s e . A n d inevitably, a s
A d a m a n d E v e d e v e l o p e d a h i g h e r level o f self-awareness, t h e y
a r r i v e d a t t h e r e a l i z a t i o n t h a t c o n s e q u e n c e s follow a c t i o n s , a n d
that their choices would be forever b u r d e n s o m e by virtue of the
r e s p o n s i b i l i t y c h o i c e e n t a i l e d . All o f h u m a n i t y h a s i n h e r i t e d
this p r e d i c a m e n t . W e h a v e all b e e n t h r u s t o u t i n t o t h e d e s e r t o f
maturity.
T h u s , o u r e v o l u t i o n i n t o c o n s c i o u s n e s s h a s a far m o r e p r o -
f o u n d implication t h a n j u s t guilt a n d s h a m e . It is w h e n we are
c o n s c i o u s t h a t w e h a v e free will. M o r e t h a n a n y t h i n g e l s e , I b e -
lieve w h a t i s m e a n t b y G o d ' s c r e a t i n g u s i n H i s o w n i m a g e i s t h a t ,
t h r o u g h t h e e v o l u t i o n a r y p r o c e s s , H e gave u s free will. T h e r e i s
n o free will w h e n w e a r e o p e r a t i n g a t a p u r e l y reflexive o r in-
s t i n c t u a l level. B u t l e t m e e m p h a s i z e t h e w o r d "free." O n e c a n
also n o t b e free w h e n a g u n i s p o i n t e d a t o n e ' s b a c k . G o d o r
e v o l u t i o n gave u s t h e f r e e d o m t o c h o o s e w h a t w e t h i n k o r d o .
Genesis 3 elucidates o u r n e e d to c o n t i n u e evolving i n t o
g r e a t e r c o n s c i o u s n e s s . G i v e n t h a t h u m a n e v o l u t i o n i s a for-
ward-moving p h e n o m e n o n a n d that we are creatures with con-
sciousness, we can never go back again to the i n n o c e n c e of n o t
k n o w i n g o t h e r w i s e , h o w e v e r h a r d w e m a y try t o d o so. T h e g a t e
of E d e n is forever b a r r e d to us by c h e r u b i m s with a flaming
s w o r d . S o , i n m a n y ways, w e a r e b o t h b l e s s e d a n d c u r s e d b y c o n -
s c i o u s n e s s . W i t h i t c o m e s t h e a w a r e n e s s o f t h e reality o f g o o d
a n d evil.
GOOD AND EVIL
T h e f i r s t t h r e e c h a p t e r s o f G e n e s i s tell u s m u c h a b o u t t h e g e n -
esis o f g o o d a n d evil. A t t h e v e r y b e g i n n i n g t h e y s u g g e s t t h a t t h e
i m p u l s e t o d o g o o d h a s s o m e t h i n g t o d o w i t h w h a t creativity i s
all a b o u t . G o d f i r s t c r e a t e d t h e f i r m a m e n t a n d saw t h a t i t was
good; t h e n He created the land a n d the waters, the plants a n d
a n i m a l s a n d h u m a n s — a n d saw t h a t they, t o o , w e r e g o o d c r e -
a t i o n s . I n c o n t r a s t , t h e i m p u l s e t o d o evil i s d e s t r u c t i v e r a t h e r
t h a n c r e a t i v e . T h e c h o i c e b e t w e e n g o o d a n d evil, creativity a n d
destruction, is o u r own. A n d ultimately, we m u s t take t h a t re-
s p o n s i b i l i t y a n d a c c e p t its c o n s e q u e n c e s .
A s s o o n a s G o d ( o r e v o l u t i o n ) gave u s f r e e will, H e i m m e -
d i a t e l y let l o o s e t h e p o t e n t i a l f o r h u m a n evil i n t h e w o r l d . I f
t h e r e i s n o c h o i c e , t h e r e i s n o evil. I f o n e i s t o h a v e f r e e will,
then o n e must have the power to choose between g o o d a n d
evil. A n d o n e i s a s free t o c h o o s e t h e evil a s t h e g o o d .
So it strikes me as no a c c i d e n t t h a t t h e very n e x t t h i n g t h a t
h a p p e n s i n t h e s t o r y i s a n e x a m p l e o f evil: i n G e n e s i s 4 , C a i n
m u r d e r s A b e l . I s i t n o t h i n g m o r e t h a n a m a t t e r o f f r e e will t h a t
h e c h o o s e s t o d o so? W h e n G o d asks C a i n w h e r e A b e l is, h e
replies with a q u e s t i o n : "Am I my b r o t h e r ' s k e e p e r ? " We can
r e c o g n i z e this as a g r o s s r a t i o n a l i z a t i o n ; a n d , as a r a t i o n a l i z a -
t i o n , it r e p r e s e n t s t h i n k i n g of a s o r t — d e f e n s i v e t h i n k i n g . It is
e x t r e m e l y shallow, a l m o s t reflexive t h i n k i n g . T h i s gives us a
hint that Cain m u r d e r e d Abel because he chose n o t to think
m o r e d e e p l y . W i t h f r e e will w e h a v e t h e c h o i c e t o t h i n k o r t o
n o t t h i n k , o r t o t h i n k d e e p l y o r shallowly.
But why would s o m e o n e c h o o s e n o t to think deeply? W h y
w o u l d s o m e o n e c h o o s e t o t h i n k o n l y simplistically, superficially,
a n d reflexively? T h e answer, a g a i n , i s t h a t , d e s p i t e o u r c o n s c i o u s -
ness, w h a t w e h a v e i n c o m m o n w i t h t h e o t h e r c r e a t u r e s i s a
p r e f e r e n c e for avoiding p a i n . T h i n k i n g d e e p l y is often m o r e
p a i n f u l t h a n t h i n k i n g shallowly. W h e n w e t h i n k w i t h i n t e g r i t y
w e m u s t b e a r t h e t e n s i o n o f all m a n n e r o f c a u s e s a n d factors
pulling against each o t h e r in o u r minds. Just as integrity is never
p a i n l e s s , so c o n s c i o u s n e s s is inevitably a s s o c i a t e d w i t h p a i n .
B e f o r e g o i n g m o r e d e e p l y i n t o t h e m a t t e r o f evil, l e t m e r e -
i t e r a t e t h a t w e a r e n o t h e r e s i m p l y t o e x p e r i e n c e p a i n - f r e e liv-
i n g — t o b e c o m f o r t a b l e , h a p p y , o r fulfilled all t h e t i m e . T h e
reality i s t h a t p a i n f u l f e e l i n g s a c c o m p a n y p r o b l e m solving, a n d
t h e p r o c e s s o f b e c o m i n g i n c r e a s i n g l y c o n s c i o u s is, like life i n
g e n e r a l , difficult. B u t i t h a s m a n y b e n e f i t s , t h e g r e a t e s t o f w h i c h
i s t h a t w e will b e c o m e m o r e effective i n life. W e will b e a w a r e o f
a b r o a d e r array of choices in r e s p o n d i n g to different situations
a n d t h e daily d i l e m m a s o f life. W e will b e m o r e a w a r e o f t h e
g a m e s p e o p l e play, t h u s less w i l l i n g t o b e m a n i p u l a t e d b y o t h e r s
into d o i n g things we d e e m to be against o u r best interests. We
will b e i n a b e t t e r p o s i t i o n t o d e t e r m i n e f o r o u r s e l v e s w h a t t o
t h i n k a n d b e l i e v e , r a t h e r t h a n s i m p l y fall p r e y t o t h e d i c t a t e s o f
m a s s m e d i a o r family a n d p e e r i n f l u e n c e s .
U n f o r t u n a t e l y , p a i n i s a n i n e v i t a b l e s i d e effect o f c o n -
s c i o u s n e s s . W e will a l s o b e c o m e m o r e a w a r e o f t h e n e e d s , b u r -
d e n s , a n d s o r r o w s o f o u r s e l v e s a n d o t h e r s . W e will b e c o m e
m o r e aware of t h e realities of o u r mortality a n d t h e a g i n g
p r o c e s s w o r k i n g i n e v e r y cell o f o u r b o d i e s . W e will b e c o m e
c o n s c i o u s o f o u r o w n sins a n d i m p e r f e c t i o n s a n d , inevitably,
m o r e a w a r e o f t h e sins a n d evils o f society.
T h e c h o i c e o f w h e t h e r o r n o t t o t h i n k d e e p l y is, t h e r e f o r e ,
the choice of w h e t h e r or n o t to accept that pain is associated
with consciousness. This choice is so crucial that t h e first c h a p -

t e r of The Road Less Traveled f o c u s e s on h o w p r o b l e m s c a u s e us
p a i n a n d h o w , b e c a u s e w e a r e p a i n - a v o i d i n g c r e a t u r e s , w e try t o
r u n away f r o m o u r p r o b l e m s r a t h e r t h a n face t h e m a n d d e a l
w i t h t h e p a i n . Similarly, t h e first c h a p t e r of Further Along the
Road Less Traveled is e n t i t l e d " C o n s c i o u s n e s s a n d t h e P r o b l e m of
Pain."
T h e p a i n involved may n o t m a k e consciousness seem
worthwhile or good—until you consider some of the prices we
p a y f o r failing t o g r o w i n c o n s c i o u s n e s s o r t o t h i n k w i t h in-
tegrity. T h e r e i s m u c h evil i n t h e w o r l d — u n n e c e s s a r y i n d i v i d -
ual suffering, t r e m e n d o u s d a m a g e t o h u m a n relations, a n d
social c h a o s — d u e t o o u r f a i l u r e t o t h i n k a n d g r o w i n c o n -
sciousness.
EVIL, SIN, AND OTHER DISTINCTIONS
W h i l e i m p o r t a n t d i s t i n c t i o n s a r e t o b e m a d e b e t w e e n evil a n d
insanity, illness a n d sin, I w r o t e in People of the Lie t h a t to n a m e
s o m e t h i n g c o r r e c t l y gives u s a c e r t a i n a m o u n t o f p o w e r o v e r it.
I b e l i e v e t h a t evil c a n be d e f i n e d as a specific f o r m of m e n t a l ill-
n e s s a n d s h o u l d b e s u b j e c t t o a t l e a s t t h e s a m e i n t e n s i t y o f sci-
entific i n v e s t i g a t i o n t h a t w e w o u l d d e v o t e t o s o m e o t h e r m a j o r
p s y c h i a t r i c d i s e a s e . Yet evil is still evil. A u s c h w i t z a n d My L a i a n d
J o n e s t o w n a n d t h e O k l a h o m a City b o m b i n g a r e facts. Evil i s n o t
a figment of the imagination of s o m e primitive religious m i n d
attempting to explain the unknown. A n d it is m o r e than just a
"sickness."
G i v e n t h e s t a t e o f w o r l d affairs, it's i m p o s s i b l e t o o v e r l o o k
t h e reality o f evil i f y o u a r e t h i n k i n g w i t h integrity. B u t t h e r e i s
w i d e s p r e a d d e n i a l i n o u r c o u n t r y . M a n y d o w n p l a y evil o r h e s i -
t a t e t o see i t f o r w h a t i t t r u l y is, i n p a r t b e c a u s e t h e y d o n ' t w a n t
to appear to be acting arrogant or holier-than-thou. Indeed, it
is quite c o m m o n to r e a d n e w s p a p e r articles that describe those
w h o c o m m i t a r a n g e o f h u m a n a t r o c i t i e s a s s i m p l y "sick." A s a
psychiatrist, I b e l i e v e t h e w o r d "sick" i s m o r e a p p r o p r i a t e l y a p -
T H E ROAD LESS TRAVELED AND BEYOND 71
p l i e d t o t h o s e w h o a r e afflicted w i t h s o m e t h i n g f o r w h i c h t r e a t -
m e n t o r a c u r e i s p o s s i b l e — a n d also desired. A l t h o u g h t h e evil
a r e o p e r a t i n g f r o m a "sick" p e r s p e c t i v e , t h e d i f f e r e n c e i s t h a t
m a n y o f t h o s e w h o a r e "sick" d e a l w i t h t h e i r v e n o m i n t e r n a l l y ,
t u r n i n g it painfully u p o n themselves if they c h o o s e n o t to seek
h e l p . T h o s e w h o a r e evil g o a n o t h e r way. T h e y fail t o suffer. B e -
cause they lash o u t at o t h e r s a n d use t h e m as scapegoats, it is
t h e p e o p l e a r o u n d t h e m w h o m u s t suffer. T h i n k o f t h e ill ef-
fects c a u s e d b y t h o s e w h o a r e a d d i c t e d t o a h i g h o p i n i o n o f
t h e m s e l v e s , t o c o m p l a c e n c y a n d s e l f - r i g h t e o u s n e s s o r far w o r s e .
B e c a u s e it is so d e s t r u c t i v e , evil is t h e u l t i m a t e illness. B u t a
thinking disorder does n o t absolve s o m e o n e of responsibility
for h i s a c t i o n s . W e h a v e t h e c h o i c e t o t h i n k o r n o t t o t h i n k , a n d
w h i l e evil s h o u l d b e c o n s i d e r e d a p s y c h i a t r i c d i a g n o s i s , t h a t
doesn't m e a n p e o p l e shouldn't go to jail w h e n they have com-
m i t t e d a c r i m e . I ' m i n full a g r e e m e n t w i t h t h e law, w h i c h m o s t
infrequently a b s o l v e s p e o p l e o f a c r i m e o n t h e g r o u n d s o f i n s a n -
ity. T h e reality i s t h a t w h e n e v e r w e h a v e a c h o i c e , w e s h o u l d b e
held accountable.
In People of the Lie, I b o l d l y a s s e r t e d t h a t c e r t a i n p e o p l e a r e
evil. W h o a r e they? I t i s i m p o r t a n t t h a t w e m a k e d i s t i n c t i o n s b e -
t w e e n evil p e o p l e a n d o r d i n a r y c r i m i n a l s a n d b e t w e e n evil p e o -
ple a n d o r d i n a r y sinners. D u r i n g my c a r e e r as a psychiatrist, I
spent s o m e time w o r k i n g in prisons with convicted criminals.
W h i l e m a n y t h i n k t h a t t h e p r o b l e m o f evil i s c o n f i n e d t o t h o s e
w h o a r e l o c k e d u p , s e l d o m have I e x p e r i e n c e d i n m a t e s as truly
evil p e o p l e . O b v i o u s l y t h e y a r e d e s t r u c t i v e , a n d u s u a l l y r e p e a t -
edly so. B u t t h e r e is a k i n d of r a n d o m n e s s to their destructive-
ness. Moreover, a l t h o u g h they generally d e n y responsibility for
t h e i r evil d e e d s , t h e r e is still a q u a l i t y of o p e n n e s s to t h e i r
w i c k e d n e s s . T h e y t h e m s e l v e s a r e q u i c k t o p o i n t this o u t , c l a i m -
ing they have b e e n c a u g h t precisely b e c a u s e they are the "hon-
est c r i m i n a l s . " T h e t r u l y evil, t h e y will tell y o u , always r e s i d e
o u t s i d e o f j a i l . Clearly, s u c h p r o c l a m a t i o n s a r e self-justifying.
T h e y a r e also, I b e l i e v e , g e n e r a l l y a c c u r a t e .
I n d e e d , m o s t p e o p l e w h o c o m m i t evil a r e u s u a l l y s e e n a s
o r d i n a r y c i t i z e n s . T h e y live d o w n t h e s t r e e t — o n a n y s t r e e t .
They may be rich or poor, educated or uneducated. Most are

n o t d e s i g n a t e d " c r i m i n a l s . " M o r e o f t e n t h a n n o t , t h e y a r e "solid
c i t i z e n s " w h o f i t i n well w i t h society, w h o d o a n d say m o s t o f t h e
r i g h t t h i n g s o n t h e s u r f a c e . T h e y m a y b e active l e a d e r s i n t h e
c o m m u n i t y , S u n d a y s c h o o l t e a c h e r s , p o l i c e m e n o r b a n k e r s , stu-
dents or parents.
T h e c a s e of B o b b y a n d h i s p a r e n t s , d e s c r i b e d in People of the
Lie, is a c o m p e l l i n g e x a m p l e of t h e k i n d of m a j o r evil t h a t c a n
b e c o m m i t t e d b y so-called n o r m a l p e o p l e i n e v e r y d a y life. A f t e r
his o l d e r b r o t h e r , Stuart, c o m m i t t e d suicide by s h o o t i n g him-
self i n t h e h e a d w i t h a .22 rifle, f i f t e e n - y e a r - o l d B o b b y r e c a l l e d
all m a n n e r o f little i n c i d e n t s a n d b e g a n t o feel guilty f o r h a v i n g
called his b r o t h e r n a m e s or h a v i n g hit or kicked h i m d u r i n g a
f i g h t . T o s o m e d e g r e e , h e felt r e s p o n s i b l e f o r S t u a r t ' s d e a t h .
C o n s e q u e n t l y , h e b e g a n j u d g i n g himself a s evil. T h a t was n o t sur-
p r i s i n g . I f s o m e o n e c l o s e t o u s c o m m i t s s u i c i d e , o u r first r e -
s p o n s e after t h e initial s h o c k — i f w e a r e n o r m a l l y h u m a n , w i t h
a n o r m a l h u m a n conscience—will be to w o n d e r what we did
wrong.
H a d B o b b y lived i n a h e a l t h y family e n v i r o n m e n t , h i s sta-
ble, blue-collar p a r e n t s w o u l d have talked to h i m a b o u t his
brother's death a n d attempted to reassure him that Stuart must
h a v e b e e n s u f f e r i n g f r o m a m e n t a l illness a n d t h a t i t was n o t
B o b b y ' s fault. B u t h i s p a r e n t s d i d n o t d o s o . A n d w i t h o u t t h i s r e -
a s s u r a n c e , B o b b y b e c a m e visibly d e p r e s s e d . H i s g r a d e s p l u m -
m e t e d a n d t h e school advised his p a r e n t s to take h i m to a
t h e r a p i s t . T h e y d i d n o t d o this e i t h e r .
W h a t they did do at Christmas, although he h a d n o t asked
for it, was to give B o b b y a .22 rifle—the r i f l e — a s h i s " b i g p r e s -
e n t . " T h e m e s s a g e t h i s s e n t was c h i l l i n g . G i v e n B o b b y ' s o b v i o u s
d e p r e s s i o n a n d l a c k o f sufficient m a t u r i t y t o u n d e r s t a n d h i s
p a r e n t s ' m o t i v e s i n g i v i n g h i m this "gift," t h e m e s s a g e h e r e -
c e i v e d was i n e s s e n c e : " T a k e y o u r b r o t h e r ' s s u i c i d e w e a p o n a n d
d o likewise. You d e s e r v e t o d i e . " W h e n c o n f r o n t e d w i t h t h e h o r -
rific n a t u r e o f this g e s t u r e , h i s p a r e n t s r e s p o n d e d i n a way typi-
cal o f t h e d e n i a l a n d s e l f - d e c e p t i o n i n h e r e n t i n evil. "It was
b e t t e r t h a n a n y o t h e r p r e s e n t w e c o u l d afford," h i s p a r e n t s t o l d
T H E ROAD LESS TRAWLED AND BEYOND 73
m e . " W e ' r e j u s t working p e o p l e . W e ' r e n o t s o p h i s t i c a t e d , s m a r t ,

a n d e d u c a t e d p e o p l e like y o u . W e c a n ' t b e e x p e c t e d t o t h i n k
a b o u t these kind of things."
O f c o u r s e , a n evil d e e d d o e s n o t a n evil p e r s o n m a k e . O t h -
e r w i s e , w e w o u l d all b e d e s i g n a t e d evil, b e c a u s e w e all d o evil
t h i n g s . B u t I b e l i e v e i t w o u l d b e a m i s t a k e t o t h i n k o f sin o r evil
as simply a m a t t e r of d e g r e e . S i n n i n g is m o s t broadly defined as
" m i s s i n g t h e m a r k , " w h i c h m e a n s w e sin every t i m e w e fail t o h i t
t h e bull's-eye. Sin i s n o t h i n g less t h a n a f a i l u r e t o b e c o n t i n u a l l y
perfect. A n d because it is impossible for us to be continually
p e r f e c t , w e a r e all s i n n e r s . W e r o u t i n e l y fail t o d o t h e v e r y b e s t
of which we a r e capable, a n d with e a c h failure we c o m m i t a
crime of sorts—against ourselves or others.
O f course, t h e r e a r e crimes o f g r e a t e r o r lesser m a g n i t u d e .
I t m a y s e e m less o d i o u s t o c h e a t t h e r i c h t h a n t o c h e a t t h e p o o r ,
b u t i t i s still c h e a t i n g . T h e r e a r e d i f f e r e n c e s b e f o r e t h e law i n
d e f r a u d i n g a b u s i n e s s , c l a i m i n g a false d e d u c t i o n o n y o u r in-
c o m e t a x , t e l l i n g y o u r wife t h a t y o u h a v e t o w o r k l a t e w h e n y o u
are b e i n g unfaithful, or telling your h u s b a n d you d i d n ' t have
t i m e t o pick u p his clothes a t t h e c l e a n e r w h e n you s p e n t a n
h o u r on t h e p h o n e with a friend. Surely s o m e of these d e e d s
a r e m o r e e x c u s a b l e t h a n o t h e r s — a n d p e r h a p s all t h e m o r e s o
u n d e r c e r t a i n c i r c u m s t a n c e s — b u t t h e fact r e m a i n s t h a t t h e y
a r e all lies a n d b e t r a y a l s .
T h e reality i s t h a t w e d o b e t r a y o u r s e l v e s a n d o t h e r s r o u -
tinely. T h e w o r s t o f u s d o i t blatantly, even compulsively. T h e
n o b l e s t o f u s d o i t subtly a n d self-centeredly, e v e n w h e n w e
t h i n k w e a r e t r y i n g n o t t o d o it. W h e t h e r i t i s d o n e c o n s c i o u s l y
or unconsciously is of no matter; t h e betrayal occurs. If you
i m a g i n e y o u a r e sufficiently s c r u p u l o u s n e v e r t o h a v e d o n e a n y
s u c h t h i n g , t h e n ask y o u r s e l f w h e t h e r t h e r e i s a n y way i n w h i c h
y o u h a v e l i e d t o yourself. O r h a v e k i d d e d yourself. B e p e r f e c t l y
h o n e s t w i t h y o u r s e l f a n d y o u will r e a l i z e t h a t y o u sin. I f y o u d o
n o t r e a l i z e it, t h e n y o u a r e n o t p e r f e c t l y h o n e s t w i t h yourself,
w h i c h is itself a sin.
T h u s , w e a r e all s i n n e r s t o o n e d e g r e e o r a n o t h e r . B u t
t h o s e w h o a r e evil c a n n o t b e strictly d e f i n e d b y t h e m a g n i t u d e
o f t h e i r sins o r t h e illegality o f t h e i r d e e d s . I t i s n o t t h e i r sins p e r

se that characterize t h e m ; r a t h e r it is t h e subtlety a n d persis-
t e n c e a n d c o n s i s t e n c y o f t h e i r sins. A n d u n d e r l y i n g this c o n s i s -
tency, w h a t d i s t i n g u i s h e s t h o s e w h o a r e evil, like B o b b y ' s p a r e n t s ,
i s t h e e x t r e m e s t h a t t h e y will g o t o i n o r d e r t o a v o i d t h e c o n -
s c i o u s n e s s o f t h e i r o w n evil.
THE SHADOW
C a r l J u n g a s c r i b e d t h e r o o t o f h u m a n evil t o " t h e refusal t o

m e e t the Shadow." By "the Shadow," J u n g m e a n t t h e part of o u r
m i n d containing those things that we would rather not own up
to, that we are continually trying to h i d e from ourselves a n d
others a n d sweep u n d e r the rug of o u r consciousness.
M o s t o f u s , w h e n p u s h e d u p a g a i n s t t h e wall b y e v i d e n c e o f
o u r o w n sins, f a i l u r e s , o r i m p e r f e c t i o n s , will a c k n o w l e d g e o u r
S h a d o w . B u t b y his u s e o f t h e w o r d "refusal," J u n g was imply-
i n g s o m e t h i n g far m o r e active. T h o s e w h o h a v e c r o s s e d o v e r
t h e l i n e t h a t s e p a r a t e s sin f r o m evil a r e c h a r a c t e r i z e d m o s t b y
t h e i r a b s o l u t e refusal t o t o l e r a t e a s e n s e o f t h e i r o w n s i n f u l n e s s .
This is because their central defect is n o t that they have no con-
s c i e n c e b u t t h a t t h e y r e f u s e t o b e a r its p a i n . I n o t h e r w o r d s , i t i s
n o t s o m u c h t h e sin itself b u t t h e refusal t o a c k n o w l e d g e i t t h a t
m a k e s it evil.
I n fact, t h e evil a r e o f t e n h i g h l y i n t e l l i g e n t p e o p l e , w h o
m a y b e q u i t e c o n s c i o u s i n m o s t r e s p e c t s b u t h a v e a very specific
unwillingness to a c k n o w l e d g e t h e i r Shadow. T h e briefest defin-
i t i o n of evil I k n o w is t h a t it is " m i l i t a n t i g n o r a n c e . " B u t evil is
n o t g e n e r a l i g n o r a n c e ; m o r e specifically, i t i s m i l i t a n t i g n o -
r a n c e o f t h e S h a d o w . T h o s e w h o a r e evil r e f u s e t o b e a r t h e p a i n
o f g u i l t o r t o allow t h e S h a d o w i n t o c o n s c i o u s n e s s a n d " m e e t "
it. I n s t e a d , t h e y will s e t a b o u t — o f t e n a t g r e a t e f f o r t — m i l i t a n t l y
t r y i n g t o d e s t r o y t h e e v i d e n c e o f t h e i r sin o r a n y o n e w h o s p e a k s
o f i t o r r e p r e s e n t s it. A n d i n this a c t o f d e s t r u c t i o n , t h e i r evil i s
committed.
I h a v e w r i t t e n t h a t g u i l t — a l t h o u g h o f t e n v i e w e d as a
" d o w n e r " — i s in m a n y ways a b l e s s i n g . H a v i n g a g e n u i n e a w a r e -
n e s s o f o n e ' s o w n s h o r t c o m i n g s i s w h a t I call a s e n s e o f p e r s o n a l
sin. It is n o t p l e a s a n t to be a w a r e of o n e s e l f as a n a t u r a l l y lazy,
i g n o r a n t , s e l f - c e n t e r e d b e i n g t h a t r a t h e r r o u t i n e l y b e t r a y s its
C r e a t o r , its fellow c r e a t u r e s , a n d e v e n its o w n b e s t i n t e r e s t s . Yet
this u n p l e a s a n t s e n s e o f p e r s o n a l f a i l u r e a n d i n a d e q u a c y is,
paradoxically, t h e greatest blessing a h u m a n b e i n g c a n possess.
U n p l e a s a n t t h o u g h i t m a y b e , t h e gift o f a p p r o p r i a t e g u i l t i s
p r e c i s e l y w h a t k e e p s o u r sins f r o m g e t t i n g o u t o f h a n d . I t i s o u r
m o s t effective s a f e g u a r d a g a i n s t o u r o w n proclivity f o r evil.
A m o n g t h e r e a s o n s for b e c o m i n g m o r e conscious i s t o
a v o i d b e c o m i n g evil. F o r t u n a t e l y , t h e t r u l y evil r e p r e s e n t o n l y a
m i n o r i t y o f t h e h u m a n p o p u l a t i o n . Yet l e s s e r f o r m s o f p s y c h o -
l o g i c a l illness a b o u n d . A n d a l t h o u g h n o t evil, t h e y t o o c a n r e -
flect a n u n w i l l i n g n e s s t o m e e t o u r S h a d o w . S i g m u n d F r e u d a n d
his d a u g h t e r , A n n a , c o m p e l l i n g l y d e m o n s t r a t e d t h a t t h e r e i s of-
t e n " s i n i s t e r " stuff l u r k i n g i n t h e d e p t h s o f t h e u n c o n s c i o u s
m i n d . Traditional Freudian psychology has t a u g h t us that the
c a u s e s o f m o s t p s y c h o l o g i c a l d i s o r d e r s s t e m f r o m h i d d e n feel-
ings—anger, u n a c k n o w l e d g e d sexual desire, a n d so on. Because
o f this, p s y c h o l o g i c a l illness h a s b e e n l o c a l i z e d i n t h e u n c o n -
scious r e a l m by m o s t thinkers, as if t h e u n c o n s c i o u s were t h e
s e a t o f p s y c h o p a t h o l o g y , a n d s y m p t o m s w e r e like s u b t e r r a n e a n
d e m o n s t h a t s u r f a c e t o t o r m e n t t h e i n d i v i d u a l . M y o w n view i s
the opposite.
As I w r o t e in The Road Less Traveled, I b e l i e v e t h a t all psy-
c h o l o g i c a l d i s o r d e r s a r e basically d i s o r d e r s o f c o n s c i o u s n e s s .
They are n o t rooted in the unconscious but in a conscious
m i n d t h a t refuses to t h i n k a n d is unwilling to deal with certain
issues, b e a r c e r t a i n f e e l i n g s , o r t o l e r a t e p a i n . T h e s e issues, feel-
ings, or desires are in t h e u n c o n s c i o u s only b e c a u s e a pain-
avoiding conscious m i n d has thrust t h e m there.
Of course, no o n e walking a r o u n d is so unhealthy that he
i s n o t a t l e a s t slightly c o n s c i o u s . A n d n o o n e i s s o h e a l t h y t h a t
s h e i s totally c o n s c i o u s . T h e r e a r e i n n u m e r a b l e d e g r e e s o f c o n -
sciousness, given t h a t s o m e p e o p l e e x e r t themselves m o r e o r

less t h a n o t h e r s . B u t t h e d e g r e e o f c o n s c i o u s n e s s i s i n h e r e n t l y
h a r d t o m e a s u r e . Even with t h e tools for g a u g i n g m e n t a l h e a l t h
t h r o u g h s t a n d a r d p s y c h o l o g i c a l t e s t i n g , i t i s difficult t o d e t e r -
m i n e a n y o n e ' s t r u e level o f c o n s c i o u s n e s s . W e c a n s p e c u l a t e
from his o r h e r behavior. But p e r h a p s t h e best m e a s u r e o f
s o m e o n e ' s d e g r e e of consciousness c a n be f o u n d in t h e consis-
tency o f his o r h e r g e n e r a l a p p r o a c h t o t h i n k i n g . F o r e x a m p l e ,
a p e r s o n w h o i s o r i e n t e d m o r e t o w a r d t h i n k i n g simplistically
h a s a lesser d e g r e e o f c o n s c i o u s n e s s t h a n a p e r s o n w h o t h i n k s
w i t h integrity.
I n this way, t h i n k i n g a n d c o n s c i o u s n e s s a r e i n e x t r i c a b l y
locked t o g e t h e r in a parallel relationship. Consciousness is t h e
f o u n d a t i o n o f all t h i n k i n g , a n d t h i n k i n g i s t h e f o u n d a t i o n o f all
c o n s c i o u s n e s s . A n y t i m e t h e r e is a f a i l u r e in t h i n k i n g , t h e r e is
c o r r e s p o n d i n g deficit in a p e r s o n ' s level of c o n s c i o u s n e s s .
T h u s , all h u m a n b e h a v i o r — t h e g o o d , t h e b a d , a n d t h e indif-
f e r e n t — i s d e t e r m i n e d b y t h e e x t e n t , o r lack t h e r e o f , o f t h e
quality of t h i n k i n g a n d consciousness involved.
P e o p l e h a v e f r e q u e n t l y a s k e d m e , "Dr. P e c k , s i n c e w e all
have neuroses of o n e sort or a n o t h e r — s i n c e no o n e can be c o m -
pletely c o n s c i o u s — h o w do you k n o w w h e n to go into therapy?"
M y a n s w e r t o t h e m is: " W h e n y o u ' r e stuck. T h e r e ' s n o n e e d
f o r t h e r a p y w h e n y o u ' r e clearly g r o w i n g well w i t h o u t it. B u t
w h e n we're n o t growing, w h e n we're stuck a n d s p i n n i n g o u r
w h e e l s , w e ' r e o b v i o u s l y i n a c o n d i t i o n o f inefficiency. A n d
w h e n e v e r t h e r e ' s a lack of efficiency t h e r e is a p o t e n t i a l l y u n -
necessary lack of c o m p e t e n c e . " So t h e r e is yet a n o t h e r reason
to seek greater consciousness. It is the foundation of m e n t a l
a n d s p i r i t u a l g r o w t h . A n d i t i s t h r o u g h this g r o w t h t h a t w e b e -
c o m e ever m o r e c o m p e t e n t .
CONSCIOUSNESS AND COMPETENCE
A l t h o u g h we can p i n p o i n t various capabilities a n d talents that

allow u s t o m e e t t h e d e m a n d s o f life o r t o d e v e l o p d e f t n e s s i n
p r o b l e m - s o l v i n g skills, g e n e r a l c o m p e t e n c e i s a m u c h m o r e
c o m p l e x capability. I n r e l a t i o n t o t h e d e v e l o p m e n t o f c o n -
sciousness, it is b r o a d e r t h a n j u s t attaining a d e q u a c y in basic
survival skills, l e a r n i n g h o w t o o r g a n i z e , o r h a v i n g a n e x c e l l e n t
memory. True competence is m o r e about growing in wisdom
t h a n a c c u m u l a t i n g m e r e k n o w l e d g e . It entails striving toward a
psychological a n d spiritual maturity that results in real p e r s o n a l
power.
Many p e o p l e can cook without recipes or work on car en-
gines without a m a n u a l , or have brilliant m e m o r i e s that e n a b l e
t h e m t o r e c a l l q u i c k , f o r m u l a i c ways o f r e s p o n d i n g t o situa-
tions. But, b e c a u s e of an inability or unwillingness to t h i n k in
b r o a d e r ways o r t o h a n d l e d i f f e r e n t s i t u a t i o n s creatively, t h e y
m a y fail i n d e a l i n g w i t h s i t u a t i o n s t h a t d o n o t f i t w i t h i n e x -
p e c t e d p a t t e r n s . T h e m a n w h o c a n easily f i x a g a r b a g e d i s p o s a l
w i t h o u t m u c h h e l p f r o m a m a n u a l m a y feel totally i n c o m p e t e n t
w h e n faced with h a n d l i n g m o r e c o m p l e x o r detailed situations
involving t h e discipline of his c h i l d r e n or c o m m u n i c a t i o n with
h i s wife.
T h e reality i s t h a t e v e n w h e n p e o p l e a r e c o m p e t e n t i n
s o m e a s p e c t s o f t h e i r lives, t h e i r c o m p e t e n c e i n o t h e r a r e a s
varies. H e a t h e r , o n e of t h e m a i n c h a r a c t e r s in A Bed by the Win-
dow, is v e r y skilled a n d c o n s c i e n t i o u s in h e r w o r k as a n u r s e — s o
c o m p e t e n t a n d well-rounded as a caregiver that she is o n e of
t h e m o s t a p p r e c i a t e d staff m e m b e r s a t t h e n u r s i n g h o m e . H e r
p e r s o n a l life i s a n o t h e r m a t t e r a l t o g e t h e r . S h e i s less c o m p e t e n t
in m a k i n g decisions a b o u t mates, a n d often finds herself in
c o m p r o m i s i n g — e v e n abusive—situations as a result of h e r
poor j u d g m e n t about men. As a superb nurse on the one hand
b u t a lousy girlfriend on t h e other, H e a t h e r is a glaring e x a m p l e
of what psychologists refer to as s o m e o n e with a c o m b i n a t i o n of
b o t h "conflict-free a r e a s o f t h e e g o " a n d e x t r e m e l y c o n f l i c t e d
o n e s , s o m e o n e w h o i s fully c o n s c i o u s i n c e r t a i n a r e a s b u t , b e -
cause of n e u r o t i c conflict, utterly u n c o n s c i o u s in o t h e r s .
Many p e o p l e find themselves confused by the u n e v e n na-
ture of their consciousness. As did Heather, they may go into
t h e r a p y s e e k i n g a n e n d t o t h e i r t o r m e n t . A l t h o u g h s o m e relief
usually c o m e s quickly with t h e realization t h a t they a r e n o t

crazy, a n d m a j o r g r o w t h m a y c o m e m o r e slowly, t h e y will f i n d
t h a t e v e n t h e r a p y d o e s n o t offer a p a n a c e a f o r t h e p a i n o f d e -
veloping consciousness.
In my p r a c t i c e as a p s y c h o t h e r a p i s t , I w o u l d r o u t i n e l y tell
my patients, "Psychotherapy is n o t a b o u t happiness; it is a b o u t
power. If you go the whole r o u t e h e r e , I c a n n o t g u a r a n t e e you
t h a t y o u will leave o n e j o t h a p p i e r . W h a t I c a n g u a r a n t e e y o u i s
t h a t y o u will l e a v e m o r e c o m p e t e n t . " I w o u l d g o o n t o say, " B u t
t h e r e is a v a c u u m of c o m p e t e n c e in the world, a n d so as s o o n as
p e o p l e b e c o m e m o r e c o m p e t e n t , G o d o r life will give t h e m big-
g e r t h i n g s t o d o . C o n s e q u e n t l y , y o u m a y well l e a v e h e r e w o r r y -
i n g a b o u t far b i g g e r p r o b l e m s t h a n w h e n y o u f i r s t c a m e .
Nonetheless, a certain kind of joy a n d peace of m i n d do c o m e
from knowing that you're worrying a b o u t big things a n d no
l o n g e r g e t t i n g b e n t o u t o f s h a p e a b o u t t h e little o n e s . "
O n c e , when asked the purpose of psychotherapy, Freud
c o m m e n t e d , "To m a k e t h e u n c o n s c i o u s c o n s c i o u s . " T h i s , o f
c o u r s e , i s w h a t h a s b e e n said all a l o n g . T h e r a p y ' s p u r p o s e i s t o
h e l p people b e c o m e m o r e aware so that they can think m o r e
clearly a n d live t h e i r lives m o r e effectively a n d efficiently.
A n o t h e r way o f t a l k i n g a b o u t t h i s p r o g r e s s i o n o f a w a r e n e s s
or consciousness is in terms of what is k n o w n as ego develop-
m e n t , w h i c h is very m u c h a d e v e l o p m e n t of consciousness. In A
World Waiting to Be Born, I w r o t e t h a t t h e e g o is t h e g o v e r n i n g
p a r t o f o u r p e r s o n a l i t y a n d t h a t its d e v e l o p m e n t — t h e m a t u r a -
t i o n o f this g o v e r n o r — c a n b e d e l i n e a t e d i n t h r e e o v e r a l l stages.
T h e first stage, that of early c h i l d h o o d , is o n e of an absolute or
a l m o s t a b s o l u t e lack of self-consciousness. H e r e t h e e g o is to-
tally d o w n a t t h e level o f t h e e m o t i o n s a n d e n m e s h e d w i t h
t h e m . I t i s this l a c k o f s e l f - c o n s c i o u s n e s s t h a t c a n m a k e y o u n g
children so frequently c h a r m i n g a n d seemingly innocuous.
W h e n they are joyful, they are o n e h u n d r e d p e r c e n t joyful.
T h e y a r e m a r v e l o u s l y s p o n t a n e o u s a n d i n n o c e n t . B u t i t i s this
s a m e l a c k o f s e l f - c o n s c i o u s n e s s t h a t c a n s o o f t e n m a k e t h e m dif-
f i c u l t . F o r w h e n c h i l d r e n a r e s a d , t h e y a r e also o n e h u n d r e d
p e r c e n t sad, s o m e t i m e s t o t h e p o i n t o f b e i n g i n c o n s o l a b l e . A n d
w h e n t h e y a r e a n g r y , t h e i r a n g e r will e r u p t i n t e m p e r t a n t r u m s
a n d s o m e t i m e s violent o r vicious behavior.
T h e r e are g l i m m e r i n g s of self-consciousness by t h e age of
n i n e m o n t h s , a n d t h e c a p a c i t y f o r self-awareness v e r y g r a d u a l l y
increases t h r o u g h o u t c h i l d h o o d . In adolescence, however, it
u n d e r g o e s a dramatic growth spurt. For the first time y o u n g
people have a quite obvious "observing ego." Now they can ob-
s e r v e t h e m s e l v e s b e i n g j o y f u l o r s a d o r a n g r y w h i l e t h e y a r e feel-
i n g so. T h i s m e a n s t h e e g o i s n o l o n g e r w h o l l y c o n f i n e d t o t h e
level o f t h e e m o t i o n s . N o w a p a r t o f i t — t h e o b s e r v i n g e g o — i s
detached from the emotions, above t h e m looking on. T h e r e is
a c e r t a i n r e s u l t i n g loss of s p o n t a n e i t y .
T h e o b s e r v i n g e g o i s still n o t fully d e v e l o p e d i n a d o l e s -
cence. Thus, adolescents are frequently spontaneous, some-
t i m e s d a n g e r o u s l y so. A t o t h e r t i m e s , h o w e v e r , t h e y s e e m t o b e
n o t h i n g b u t a m a s s o f a f f e c t a t i o n s a s t h e y self-consciously try o n
o n e n e w i d e n t i t y after a n o t h e r b y w e a r i n g b i z a r r e h a i r s t y l e s a n d
clothes a n d behaving outrageously. Constantly c o m p a r i n g them-
selves w i t h p e e r s a n d p a r e n t s , t h e s e s e e m i n g l y f l a m b o y a n t c r e a -
t u r e s a r e o f t e n p a i n f u l l y shy a n d suffer i n n u m e r a b l e s p a s m s o f
excruciating e m b a r r a s s m e n t a n d self-deprecation.
S i n c e s e l f - c o n s c i o u s n e s s o f t e n b e c o m e s p a i n f u l a t this s t a g e
of psychosocial a n d spiritual d e v e l o p m e n t , m a n y p e o p l e move
i n t o a d u l t h o o d f o r s a k i n g r a t h e r t h a n c o n t i n u i n g its d e v e l o p -
m e n t . B e c a u s e t h e y fail t o f u r t h e r d e v e l o p t h e i r o b s e r v i n g e g o s
o n c e they e n t e r a d u l t h o o d , t h e i r self-observing capacity be-
c o m e s m o d u l a t e d ( a n d less p a i n f u l ) , b u t t h i s o f t e n o c c u r s o n l y
because of an actual shrinkage of consciousness. W h e n , unwit-
tingly, t h e m a j o r i t y settle f o r a l i m i t e d — e v e n d i m i n i s h e d — a w a r e -
ness of their own feelings a n d imperfections, they have s t o p p e d
s h o r t o n t h e j o u r n e y o f p e r s o n a l g r o w t h , t h e r e b y failing t o ful-
fill their h u m a n potential or grow into true psychospiritual
power.
B u t a f o r t u n a t e minority, for reasons b o t h mysterious a n d
graceful, c o n t i n u e t h e j o u r n e y , ever s t r e n g t h e n i n g their ob-
serving egos r a t h e r t h a n allowing t h e m to atrophy. O n e of t h e

reasons that psychoanalytically o r i e n t e d psychotherapy may be
p r o f o u n d l y effective is t h a t it is a v e h i c l e f o r t h e e x e r c i s e of t h e
o b s e r v i n g e g o . W h a t t h e p a t i e n t i s d o i n g a s h e lies o n t h e a n a -
lyst's c o u c h i s n o t m e r e l y t a l k i n g a b o u t h i m s e l f b u t o b s e r v i n g
himself talking a b o u t himself a n d o b s e r v i n g his feelings as he
d o e s so.
T h e exercise of t h e observing ego is crucial because if it be-
comes strong e n o u g h , the individual is t h e n in a position w h e r e
s h e c a n p r o c e e d t o t h e n e x t s t a g e a n d d e v e l o p w h a t I call a t r a n -
scendent ego. With a transcendent ego, we b e c o m e m o r e aware
o f o u r b r o a d e r d i m e n s i o n s , b e t t e r p r e p a r e d t o d e c i d e realisti-
cally w h e n , w h e r e , a n d w h y t o e x p r e s s t h e e s s e n c e o f w h o w e
a r e . I n b e c o m i n g m o r e c o n s c i o u s o f t h e full r a n g e o f o u r
t h o u g h t s a n d f e e l i n g s , w e i n e v i t a b l y b e c o m e less t h r e a t e n e d b y
t h e k n o w l e d g e o f o u r flaws a n d c a n m o r e r e a d i l y i n t e g r a t e a n d
appreciate the whole of who we are—the good and the bad. We
m a y d e v e l o p t h e c a p a c i t y t o live w i t h , p e r h a p s e v e n l a u g h at,
o u r limitations. W h e n we can acknowledge o u r imperfections,
we find ourselves in a better position to work on those areas
within o u r power to c h a n g e a n d to accept those things we can-
not.
It's a g i v e n t h a t t h e v e r y e x i s t e n c e of a s i g n i f i c a n t o b s e r v i n g
e g o i m p l i e s a c e r t a i n loss o f s p o n t a n e i t y . S i n c e t h e d e v e l o p m e n t
of a t r a n s c e n d e n t ego is based on the prior foundation of an ob-
s e r v i n g e g o , a fully c o n s c i o u s p e r s o n k n o w s h e i s o f t e n n o t f r e e
t o d o e v e r y t h i n g h e s i m p l y feels like d o i n g . O n t h e o t h e r h a n d ,
h e h a s t h e p s y c h o l o g i c a l flexibility t o c o n s c i o u s l y d e c i d e w h e n
h e c a n b e s p o n t a n e o u s a n d t o k n o w w h e n t h e s i t u a t i o n calls f o r
caution.
I was a t t e m p t i n g t o e x p l a i n t h e c o n c e p t o f t r a n s c e n d e n t
e g o t o a p a t i e n t o n e a f t e r n o o n . T h i s p a r t i c u l a r p a t i e n t was see-
i n g m e b e c a u s e o f a p r o b l e m e x p r e s s i n g his anger. H e h a d
s o m e years before b e e n h i g h in t h e a d m i n i s t r a t i o n of a univer-
sity a t a t i m e o f s t u d e n t r i o t s . " A h a ! " h e s u d d e n l y e x c l a i m e d .
"Now I u n d e r s t a n d what you're talking about." He r e c o u n t e d
h o w a t t h e h e i g h t o f t h e riots, t h e p r e s i d e n t o f t h e u n i v e r s i t y r e -
s i g n e d a n d a n e w p r e s i d e n t was i m m e d i a t e l y b r o u g h t i n t o r e -
place him:
We went from meeting to meeting to meeting. More

often t h a n n o t , t h e discussions w e r e very h e a t e d . T h e
new m a n mostly j u s t listened. Occasionally he would
very c a l m l y c o m m e n t t h a t u n i v e r s i t y p o l i c y was p r o b a -
bly s u c h a n d s u c h , b u t h e w a s n ' t s u r e b e c a u s e h e was
still l e a r n i n g t h e r o p e s . I a d m i r e d h o w h e k e p t h i s
cool. B u t I also b e g a n to w o n d e r if he wasn't b e i n g t o o
passive, p o s s i b l y e v e n ineffective. Finally, we w e r e at a
huge meeting in the amphitheater, open to the entire
faculty. T h e issue was p a r t i c u l a r l y critical. A v e r y
y o u n g faculty m e m b e r w e n t i n t o a l o n g d i a t r i b e a b o u t
h o w t h e e n t i r e a d m i n i s t r a t i o n was n o t h i n g b u t a col-
l e c t i o n o f i n s e n s i t i v e a n d u n r e s p o n s i v e fascist p i g s .
W h e n h e was f i n i s h e d t h e n e w m a n s t o o d u p a n d
s t r o d e to t h e lectern. "I have b e e n with you for t h r e e
weeks now," he said with his usual calm, steady voice,
" a n d you have n o t yet h a d t h e occasion to see y o u r
n e w p r e s i d e n t get angry. Today you are g o i n g to have
that opportunity." T h e n h e p r o c e e d e d t o utterly blast
t h e a r r o g a n t y o u n g fool away. I t was v e r y i m p r e s s i v e .
Maybe that's an e x a m p l e of what you m e a n by a tran-
s c e n d e n t ego at work.
W h i l e t h e r e i s a s m a l l loss o f f r e e d o m a s s o c i a t e d w i t h c o n -
sciousness a n d constant self-examination, those w h o have be-
c o m e a c c u s t o m e d to it have f o u n d that, on balance, it makes
for a way o f life t h a t c a n b e p r o f o u n d l y l i b e r a t i n g . T h a t i s b e -
c a u s e u n d e r l y i n g a h i g h d e g r e e of c o n s c i o u s n e s s is a d e g r e e of
self-control—in o t h e r words, psychological c o m p e t e n c e .
H a v i n g a t r a n s c e n d e n t e g o i s a n a l o g o u s t o b e i n g a n or-
chestra c o n d u c t o r . Like t h e university president, an individual
with a t r a n s c e n d e n t ego has b e c o m e so aware of h e r e m o t i o n s
t h a t she c a n actually o r c h e s t r a t e t h e m . S h e m a y b e feeling s o m e
s a d n e s s , b u t s h e i s i n c o m m a n d o f herself, s o s h e c a n say i n
e s s e n c e , " T h i s i s n o t t h e t i m e f o r s a d n e s s o r violins; i t i s a t i m e
f o r joy. S o h u s h n o w , violins. A n d c o m e o n , h o r n s , b l o w f o r t h . "
W h a t defines h e r c o m p e t e n c e h e r e — h e r personal power—is
that she does not repress or deny h e r sadness any m o r e than an
o r c h e s t r a c o n d u c t o r w o u l d s m a s h t h e violins. S h e s i m p l y sets
a s i d e h e r s a d n e s s , o r b r a c k e t s it. Similarly, w i t h t h e e m o t i o n a l
a n d intellectual c o m p e t e n c e of a transcendent ego, she would
b e a b l e t o a d d r e s s t h e j o y f u l p a r t o f herself: " I love y o u , h o r n s ,
b u t this i s n o t a s i t u a t i o n f o r j o y f u l e x p r e s s i o n . I t i s o n e t h a t
calls f o r a n g e r . S o b e a t t h e d r u m s . "
Yet o n c e a g a i n , i n t h e i n t e r e s t o f r e a l i s m , w e m u s t r e m e m -
b e r t h a t all b l e s s i n g s a r e p o t e n t i a l c u r s e s , a n d t h a t b o t h c o n -
sciousness a n d c o m p e t e n c e are inextricably interwoven with
p a i n . As I w r o t e in The Road Less Traveled, " P e r h a p s t h e b e s t m e a -
s u r e of a p e r s o n ' s greatness is t h e capacity for suffering." This
p o i n t is u n d e r s c o r e d in t h e a p t l y t i t l e d b o o k The Price of Great-
ness, by A r n o l d L u d w i g , a p r o f e s s o r of p s y c h i a t r y at t h e U n i v e r -
sity o f K e n t u c k y C o l l e g e o f M e d i c i n e . L u d w i g ' s b o o k i s b a s e d o n
t e n y e a r s o f r e s e a r c h t h a t e x a m i n e d t h e lives o f 1,004 e m i n e n t
f i g u r e s o f t h e t w e n t i e t h c e n t u r y w h o r e p r e s e n t e d v a r i o u s disci-
p l i n e s i n c l u d i n g artists, w r i t e r s , i n v e n t o r s , a n d o t h e r c r e a t i v e in-
dividuals. In e x p l o r i n g t h e relationship b e t w e e n genius a n d
mental health, Ludwig wrote that a m o n g the great geniuses of
o u r t i m e s , all s h o w e d a r e a d i n e s s t o d i s c a r d p r e v a l e n t views, a n
i r r e v e r e n c e toward established authority, a s t r o n g capacity for
solitude, a n d a "psychological unease," which could cause m e n -
tal t r o u b l e s u c h a s d e p r e s s i o n , a n x i e t y , o r a l c o h o l i s m . B u t i f
these qualities w e r e n o t too incapacitating, they actually con-
t r i b u t e d t o t h e i n d i v i d u a l ' s ability t o a c h i e v e s i g n i f i c a n t creativ-
ity, b l a z e n e w trails, p r o p o s e r a d i c a l s o l u t i o n s , a n d p r o m o t e n e w
schools of thought.
A n o t h e r a s p e c t o f t h e p a i n o f b e i n g gifted a n d h i g h l y c o n -
scious has to do with t h e struggle to c o m e to t e r m s with o n e ' s
s u p e r i o r i t y . As I w r o t e in A World Waiting to Be Born, m a n y w h o
a r e truly s u p e r i o r will s t r u g g l e a g a i n s t t h e i r g e n u i n e call t o p e r -
s o n a l a n d civic p o w e r b e c a u s e t h e y f e a r e x e r c i s i n g a u t h o r i t y .
Usually, t h e y a r e r e l u c t a n t t o c o n s i d e r t h e m s e l v e s " b e t t e r t h a n "
or "above" others, in large p a r t because of a sense of humility

that a c c o m p a n i e s their personal a n d spiritual power.
A w o m a n n a m e d J a n e was a c a s e i n p o i n t . S h e was a bril-
liant a n d beautiful y o u n g s t u d e n t in the s e c o n d year of business
s c h o o l w h o h a d c o m e t o s e e m e b e c a u s e o f irritability. H e r
d a t e s w e r e d u l l . H e r p r o f e s s o r s s e e m e d p o m p o u s . H e r fellow
students, even the w o m e n , struck h e r as remarkably limited a n d
u n i m a g i n a t i v e . S h e h a d n o i d e a w h a t t h e p r o b l e m was, b u t s h e
was s m a r t e n o u g h t o k n o w t h a t s o m e t h i n g was w r o n g a b o u t liv-
ing in a state of c o n s t a n t a n n o y a n c e .
After several sessions g o i n g over t h e s a m e o l d g r o u n d , s h e
e x c l a i m e d i n e x a s p e r a t i o n , " I feel t h a t all I ' m d o i n g h e r e i s
whining. I d o n ' t w a n t to be a whiner."
" T h e n you'll n e e d to learn h o w to a c c e p t y o u r superiority,"
I retorted.
"My w h a t ? W h a t d o y o u m e a n ? " J a n e was d u m b f o u n d e d .
"I'm n o t superior."
"All y o u r c o m p l a i n t s — y o u r w h i n i n g , i f y o u w i l l — c e n t e r
a r o u n d your probably accurate assessment that your dates
aren't as smart as you, your professors a r e n ' t as h u m b l e as you,
a n d y o u r fellow s t u d e n t s a r e n ' t a s i n t e r e s t i n g a s y o u , " I p o i n t e d
o u t . " I n o t h e r w o r d s , all y o u r u n h a p p i n e s s r e l a t e s t o t h e fact
that you feel—and probably are—superior to most people."
" B u t I d o n ' t feel s u p e r i o r , " s h e e x c l a i m e d w i t h a t o u c h o f
d e s p e r a t i o n . " T h a t ' s t h e p o i n t . I s h o u l d n ' t feel s u p e r i o r . Every-
one's equal."
"Are t h e y ? " I a r c h e d m y e y e b r o w s . "If y o u b e l i e v e e v e r y o n e
is as smart as you, then you're b o u n d to be chronically irritated
when people prove themselves n o t to be as smart. You're going
t o b e c o n s t a n t l y d i s a p p o i n t e d w i t h t h e m w h e n t h e y d o n ' t live
up to your expectations."
T h e weeks that followed w e r e o n e s of excruciatingly h a r d
work for J a n e , a l t h o u g h t i n g e d with t h e e x c i t e m e n t o f g r u d g -
ingly s e n s i n g t h a t s h e was o n t h e r i g h t t r a c k . I t was s o m u c h eas-
i e r b e i n g o r d i n a r y . I t was s o safe. H o w c o u l d s h e a c c e p t h e r
superiority a n d n o t s u c c u m b to arrogance? Not b e c o m e m i r e d
i n s e l f - r i g h t e o u s n e s s ? I f s h e really was s u p e r i o r , was s h e n o t t h e n
d o o m e d t o a life o f l o n e l i n e s s ? A n d i f s h e was n o t o r d i n a r y — i f
s h e was, i n fact, e x t r a o r d i n a r y — w h y ? W h y h e r ? W h y was s h e sin-
gled out, chosen or cursed? Of course, I could never answer
t h e s e q u e s t i o n s f o r h e r . B u t i t was r e a s s u r i n g f o r h e r t h a t I ac-
k n o w l e d g e d t h a t they w e r e very real a n d very i m p o r t a n t ques-
t i o n s . G r a d u a l l y , s h e c a m e t o a c c e p t t h a t s h e was n o t o r d i n a r y ,
t h a t s h e was b o t h c h o s e n a n d c u r s e d , b l e s s e d a n d b u r d e n e d .
Yet a n o t h e r p a i n f u l b u r d e n t h a t c o m e s w i t h i n c r e a s e d c o n -
sciousness a n d c o m p e t e n c e is t h e loneliness of t r a n s c e n d i n g
t r a d i t i o n a l c u l t u r e . T h r o u g h o u t t h e a g e s , o n l y a few a m o n g mil-
lions—a Socrates, a J e s u s — h a v e obviously risen above t h e rigid
c u l t u r e a n d s i m p l i s t i c t h i n k i n g o f t h e i r t i m e s . Now, a s a r e s u l t o f
m a s s c o m m u n i c a t i o n s , p s y c h o t h e r a p y , a n d g r a c e , I w o u l d esti-
mate that there are h u n d r e d s of thousands of adults in o u r
c o u n t r y w h o a r e o n this c u t t i n g e d g e . T h e s e i n d i v i d u a l s t h i n k
well e n o u g h t o c h a l l e n g e c o n v e n t i o n a l a n d i r r a t i o n a l t h i n k i n g .
T h e y q u e s t i o n b l i n d n a t i o n a l a n d t r i b a l l o y a l t i e s — a n d t h e limi-
t a t i o n s i m p o s e d b y t h e i r c u l t u r e — i n o r d e r t o grow. T h e y n o
l o n g e r believe everything they r e a d in t h e newspapers. T h e y
seek t r u t h a n d c h a l l e n g e t h e illusions a b o u t "normalcy" as p r o -
m o t e d b y society a n d t h e mass m e d i a . T h e y show t h e c o u r a g e
t o n o l o n g e r b e s u c k e d i n t o t h e simplistic t h i n k i n g a r o u n d
t h e m . T h e y h a v e r e d e f i n e d "family" t o i n c l u d e n o t o n l y b l o o d
relatives b u t t h e m e a n i n g f u l relations they establish with oth-
ers w h o share c o m m o n interests a n d a c o m m o n — a n d growth-
o r i e n t e d — a p p r o a c h t o life.
In the process of b e c o m i n g increasingly conscious, m a n y
e x p e r i e n c e a s e n s e o f f r e e d o m a n d l i b e r a t i o n i n striving t o w a r d
b e c o m i n g true t o — a n d truly—themselves. Their awareness is
b e c o m i n g rooted in the eternal, a n d the evolution of con-
sciousness is t h e very essence of spiritual growth. But they pay a
p r i c e a s well, b e c a u s e t h e i r s c a n b e a l o n e l y j o u r n e y . D e e p
thinkers are often m i s u n d e r s t o o d by t h e masses w h o c o n t i n u e
t o view life a n d t h e w o r l d simplistically. S i n c e m a n y w h o a r e
conscious do n o t readily buy into t h e "go a l o n g to get along"
m e n t a l i t y t h a t i s p r e v a l e n t i n society, t h e y f i n d i t h a r d t o fit
n e a t l y i n t o t h e m a i n s t r e a m . T h e y f i n d t h a t o t h e r s h a v e diffi-
culty u n d e r s t a n d i n g a n d c o m m u n i c a t i n g w i t h t h e m . T h e y p a y
t h e p r i c e o f f e e l i n g a t l e a s t p a r t i a l l y a l i e n a t e d f r o m families a n d
isolated from old friends a n d cultural rituals.
T h e s e i n t e l l e c t u a l l y a n d spiritually " e l i t e " c o m e f r o m a va-
riety o f b a c k g r o u n d s . T h e y m a y b e r i c h o r p o o r , o f a n y r a c e ,
g e n d e r , o r level o f e d u c a t i o n . B u t b e c a u s e c o n s c i o u s n e s s r e -
quires great internal strength to c o p e , m a n y with t h e potential
t o rise a b o v e t h e i r l o t — a c e r t a i n m e n t a l i t y t h e y w e r e r a i s e d
with—instead choose what seems the easier path, of stagnation
over growth.
F o r e x a m p l e , a n u m b e r o f b l a c k s e r v i c e m e n w h o m I evalu-
a t e d w h i l e w o r k i n g a s a p s y c h i a t r i s t i n t h e A r m y d u r i n g t h e Viet-
n a m e r a c h o s e t o p l a y " d u m b " e v e n t h o u g h i t was c l e a r t h e y
were intelligent e n o u g h to answer complex questions. Many
d i d n ' t w a n t to rock t h e boat; o t h e r s w a n t e d to avoid t h e re-
sponsibility that c o m e s with b e i n g c o m p e t e n t a n d t h e d e m a n d s
it would place on t h e m . For the same reason, a large n u m b e r of
p e o p l e s h u n c o n s c i o u s n e s s t o a lesser o r g r e a t e r e x t e n t b e c a u s e
t h e y find it a m o r e c o m f o r t a b l e way to live. E v e n if t h e y give l i p
s e r v i c e t o t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f a w a r e n e s s a n d g r o w i n g , t h e i r ac-
t i o n s d o n o t always c o r r e s p o n d t o t h e i r w o r d s .
I n fact, i t i s c o m m o n f o r c o n s c i o u s n e s s t o b e t r e a t e d a l m o s t
as if it w e r e a c o m m o n cold, c o n t a g i o u s or potentially d e a d l y if
o n e spreads d e e p thinking too m u c h to those in one's environ-
m e n t . As I wrote in C h a p t e r 1, it is q u i t e c o m m o n for c o n t e m -
platives t o b e t o l d b y o t h e r s t h a t t h e y " t h i n k t o o m u c h . " B e i n g
aware is often g r e e t e d with suspicion a n d trepidation, as if
t h i n k i n g d e e p l y a n d well c a n b e e q u a t e d w i t h a b a d d r u g t h a t
one can b e c o m e addicted to a n d overdose on.
THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF DEATH
T h e r e i s still a n o t h e r p a i n o f c o n s c i o u s n e s s s o g r e a t a n d s o i m -
p o r t a n t that it warrants even d e e p e r consideration. I refer to
o u r consciousness of d e a t h a n d dying. Assuming that we are
m o r e c o n s c i o u s t h a n o t h e r a n i m a l s , o n e o f t h e t h i n g s m o s t fre-
q u e n t l y said a b o u t t h e h u m a n c o n d i t i o n is t h a t " m a n is t h e only

c r e a t u r e t o b e a w a r e o f his m o r t a l i t y . " S o m e h a v e l a b e l e d this
n o t only the h u m a n condition but the h u m a n d i l e m m a because
p e o p l e t e n d t o f i n d this a w a r e n e s s e x c r u c i a t i n g l y p a i n f u l .
C o n s e q u e n t l y , m o s t p e o p l e , o n e way o r a n o t h e r , a t t e m p t t o
flee from directly facing their mortality. R a t h e r t h a n m e e t i n g
o u r mortality h e a d - o n — d o i n g so as early as possible a n d d o i n g
s o o n a r e g u l a r b a s i s — m a n y o f u s fail t o p r e p a r e i n a n y signifi-
c a n t way. I n o u r d e a t h - d e n y i n g a n d y o u t h - w o r s h i p i n g c u l t u r e ,
we go to great lengths to avoid facing even t h e smallest re-
m i n d e r s o f d e a t h . A s E r n e s t B e c k e r p o i n t e d o u t i n h i s n o w clas-
sic w o r k , The Denial of Death, t h i s , t o o , m a y l e a d us to evil in a
variety o f s u b t l e ways (as i n s c a p e g o a t i n g o r a c t u a l h u m a n sacri-
fice to propitiate the gods so that they won't get us).
Naturally associated with o u r r e l u c t a n c e to deal with d e a t h
is o u r r e l u c t a n c e to d e a l w i t h o l d a g e . I w r o t e in In Search of
Stones t h a t i t w o u l d b e u n n a t u r a l t o a c t u a l l y w e l c o m e a g i n g b e -
c a u s e it is a p r o c e s s of s t r i p p i n g a w a y — e v e n t u a l l y a s t r i p p i n g
away o f e v e r y t h i n g . I n t h e l a t e r days o f m y p r a c t i c e , I was c o n -
s u l t e d b y f o u r r e m a r k a b l y s i m i l a r w o m e n i n t h e i r l a t e sixties o r
early seventies w h o c a m e t o m e with t h e s a m e chief c o m p l a i n t :
d e p r e s s i o n a t g r o w i n g o l d . E a c h was s e c u l a r - m i n d e d . E a c h h a d
e i t h e r m a d e m o n e y o r m a r r i e d m o n e y . All t h e i r c h i l d r e n h a d
t u r n e d o u t g o l d e n . I t was a s i f life h a d g o n e a c c o r d i n g t o a
script.
But n o w they were getting cataracts, r e q u i r i n g h e a r i n g aids
o r d e n t u r e s , a n d f a c i n g h i p r e p l a c e m e n t s . T h i s w a s n ' t t h e way
they w o u l d have written t h e script, a n d they w e r e a n g r y a n d d e -
p r e s s e d . I saw n o way t o h e l p t h e m w i t h o u t c o n v e r t i n g t h e m t o
a vision o f o l d a g e a s s o m e t h i n g m o r e t h a n a m e a n i n g l e s s t i m e
o f w a t c h i n g t h e m s e l v e s s i m p l y r o t away. I t r i e d t o h e l p t h e m
" b u y it" as a s p i r i t u a l p e r i o d in t h e i r lives, a t i m e of p r e p a r a t i o n .
I t was n o t a n easy sell. I n a t t e m p t i n g it, I k e p t s a y i n g t o e a c h o f
t h e m i n e v e r y p o s s i b l e way, " L o o k , y o u ' r e n o t t h e s c r i p t w r i t e r ;
it's j u s t n o t e n t i r e l y y o u r show." T w o o f t h e m s o o n left, p r e f e r -
r i n g t o b e d e p r e s s e d r a t h e r t h a n c o m e t o t e r m s w i t h t h e fact
t h a t life was n o t solely t h e i r o w n show.
A l t h o u g h s h e was e v e n m o r e d e p r e s s e d , I h a d a m u c h eas-
i e r t i m e o f i t w i t h a n e l d e r l y w o m a n w h o h a d a d i s t i n c t l y reli-
gious, Christian mind-set. In h e r mid-sixties, s h e h a d suffered a
d e t a c h e d r e t i n a i n e a c h eye. N i n e t y p e r c e n t b l i n d , s h e was in-
c e n s e d a t h e r fate a n d f u r i o u s a t t h e o p h t h a l m o l o g i s t w h o h a d
b e e n unsuccessful in h e a l i n g h e r c o n d i t i o n with t h e m o s t ad-
v a n c e d l a s e r t r e a t m e n t . A t h e m e s o o n e m e r g e d d u r i n g o u r ses-
sions. "I j u s t h a t e it w h e n they have to take h o l d of my a r m to
h e l p m e o u t o f t h e p e w o r walk m e d o w n t h e s t e p s a t c h u r c h , "
s h e r a n t e d . " I h a t e b e i n g s t u c k a t h o m e . I k n o w t h a t lots o f p e o -
ple v o l u n t e e r to take me places, b u t I c a n ' t be asking friends to
d r i v e m e a r o u n d all t h e t i m e . "
I t was c l e a r t o m e , I t o l d h e r , t h a t s h e h a d t a k e n a l o t o f
p r i d e i n h e r i n d e p e n d e n c e . ' Y o u ' v e b e e n a v e r y successful p e r -
son, a n d I t h i n k you n e e d e d t h a t p r i d e for y o u r m a n y a c c o m -
p l i s h m e n t s . B u t y o u k n o w , it's a j o u r n e y f r o m h e r e t o h e a v e n ,
a n d it's a g o o d r u l e o f j o u r n e y i n g t o travel l i g h t . I ' m n o t s u r e
h o w successful y o u ' r e g o i n g t o b e i n g e t t i n g t o h e a v e n , c a r r y i n g
a r o u n d all this p r i d e , " I said. ' Y o u s e e y o u r b l i n d n e s s as a c u r s e ,
a n d I d o n ' t b l a m e you. Conceivably, however, you m i g h t look at
it as a blessing d e s i g n e d to relieve you of t h e no l o n g e r neces-
sary b u r d e n o f y o u r p r i d e . E x c e p t f o r y o u r eyes, y o u ' r e i n p r e t t y
g o o d h e a l t h . You've p r o b a b l y g o t at least a d o z e n m o r e years to
live. It's u p t o y o u w h e t h e r y o u ' d r a t h e r live t h o s e y e a r s w i t h a
c u r s e or a b l e s s i n g . "
W h e t h e r s o m e o n e can m a k e the transition a n d learn to
d i s c e r n a b l e s s i n g w h e r e o n c e t h e y o n l y saw a c u r s e s e e m s t o
h a v e s o m e t h i n g t o d o w i t h w h e t h e r t h e y c a n view o l d a g e a s a
t i m e o f p r e p a r a t i o n . P r e p a r a t i o n f o r w h a t ? Obviously, a n after-
life. In my b o o k In Heaven as on Earth, o n e of t h e m a j o r s u b j e c t s
is that of purgatory, which I describe—I believe quite p r o p -
erly—as a very elegant, well-appointed psychiatric hospital with
t h e m o s t m o d e r n t e c h n i q u e s f o r as-painless-as-possible l e a r n i n g .
Nonetheless, I m a k e it indelibly clear that the a m o u n t of time
w e m u s t s p e n d i n p u r g a t o r y , i f any, i s d i r e c t l y p r o p o r t i o n a l t o
t h e effort w e h a v e m a d e t o a v o i d d e a l i n g w i t h t h e i m p o r t a n t is-
s u e s i n o u r lives ( i n c l u d i n g o u r S h a d o w a n d o u r o l d a g e ) a n d
o u r f a i l u r e t o p r e p a r e for d e a t h . W h e t h e r i n a n afterlife o r o n
earth, we m u s t do the work of p u r g a t o r y or r e m a i n forever in
l i m b o , s e p a r a t e d f r o m G o d . W h y n o t g e t o n w i t h it?
S o m e p e o p l e m a n a g e to get on with it m o r e courageously
t h a n others. T h e elderly w o m a n I previously m e n t i o n e d rapidly
began working through her turmoil. H e r depression of four
y e a r s ' d u r a t i o n b e g a n t o lift b y o u r t h i r d s e s s i o n . B u t m o s t situ-
a t i o n s d o n o t c h a n g e s o easily o r b e c o m e r e s o l v e d p e r m a n e n t l y .
I n t h e s t r u g g l e t o face a g i n g a n d u l t i m a t e l y d e a t h , s o m e e v e n
kill t h e m s e l v e s b e c a u s e t h e y d o n o t w a n t t o g o d e e p e r i n t o w h a t
they perceive as the indignity of dying; m a n y c a n n o t b e a r to en-
d u r e all t h e losses t h a t c o m e w i t h t h e s t r i p p i n g - a w a y p r o c e s s .
T h e s t r i p p i n g away o f h e a l t h a n d p h y s i c a l agility i s n o t a s
painful for m e , a n d I suspect for o t h e r s , as t h e psychological
s t r i p p i n g away. T h e loss o f h e r o e s , m e n t o r s , a n d e v e n i n t e r e s t s
c a n l e a v e u s f e e l i n g e m p t y . T h e s t r i p p i n g away o f i l l u s i o n s —
h u n d r e d s o f t h e m — m a y b e all f o r t h e g o o d , b u t i t still h u r t s
a n d m a y l e a v e m a n y d i s t r u s t f u l , cynical, a n d e m b i t t e r e d . I ' m
n o t s u r e I will b e a s g r a c e f u l a s t h e b l i n d w o m a n I d e s c r i b e d .
B u t I a m u t t e r l y c e r t a i n t h a t I will n o t b e a b l e t o d e a l d e c e n t l y
w i t h m y a g i n g w i t h o u t r e l y i n g o n m y r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h G o d . It's
n o t solely a m a t t e r o f faith i n a n afterlife t h a t i s m y t r u e h o m e ,
a n d faith t h a t a g i n g is a p r o c e s s of p r e p a r a t i o n for it. I n e e d
s o m e t h i n g e v e n m o r e p e r s o n a l , i n c l u d i n g m y wife Lily a n d
God, to c o m p l a i n to a b o u t t h e indignity of t h e stripping-away
process. A n d I n e e d G o d u p o n occasion to answer in H e r pecu-
liar way, s o m e t i m e s s e e m i n g l y t h r o u g h spirits a n d a n g e l s o f a
s o r t , t o h e l p m e a l o n g . W h a t I've c o m e t o r e a l i z e i s t h a t t h e
stripping-away process of old age is n o t partial. It is n o t j u s t
physical; i t i s t o t a l . T h e reality i s t h a t G o d d o e s n ' t j u s t w a n t p a r t
o f u s . G o d w a n t s all o f u s .
T h e path of health and healing is the opposite from that of
the denial of death. T h e best b o o k I have r e a d on the subject is
Living Our Dying by J o s e p h S h a r p . He b e l i e v e s , as I d o , t h a t
d e a t h i s n o t a t a k e r away o f m e a n i n g b u t a giver o f m e a n i n g .
W h e t h e r w e a r e y o u n g o r o l d , a d e e p c o n s c i o u s n e s s o f d e a t h ul-
timately leads us on a p a t h to seeking m e a n i n g . P e o p l e may
g r a b u p o n s o m e s i m p l i s t i c s e c o n d h a n d faith o u t o f fear, i n or-

d e r t o a v o i d t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h e i r d e a t h s . B u t w h i l e s u c h reli-
g i o n s m a y k e e p u s w a r m f o r a bit, like h a n d - m e - d o w n c l o t h e s
t h e y a r e j u s t t r a p p i n g s . A fully m a t u r e r e l i g i o n , h o w e v e r , b e g i n s
w i t h a n active s t r u g g l e w i t h t h e m y s t e r y o f d e a t h a n d i n a p e r -
s o n a l s e a r c h f o r m e a n i n g i n its face. You c a n n o t let a n y o n e else
d o t h e struggling for you. T h u s t h e saying " G o d has n o g r a n d -
c h i l d r e n . " You c a n n o t b e r e l a t e d t o G o d t h r o u g h y o u r p a r e n t s .
You m u s t f i n d y o u r m e a n i n g a s a " c h i l d o f G o d " i n a d i r e c t r e -
l a t i o n s h i p w i t h t h e cycle o f b i r t h , d e a t h , a n d r e b i r t h .
I n h e r e n t in this is that we m u s t c o m e to t e r m s with t h e re-
ality o f c h a n g e , w h i c h r e q u i r e s c o n t i n u a l a d j u s t m e n t s i n t h e
way w e t h i n k a n d b e h a v e — a n d p a r t i c u l a r l y w h e n w e h a v e b e -
c o m e t h e m o s t c o m f o r t a b l e w i t h w h e r e w e a r e . A n d c h a n g e of-
t e n feels like d y i n g , like d e a t h . In The Road Less Traveled, I q u o t e d
S e n e c a a s s a y i n g two t h o u s a n d y e a r s a g o , " T h r o u g h o u t t h e
w h o l e o f life o n e m u s t c o n t i n u e t o l e a r n t o live, a n d w h a t will
a m a z e y o u e v e n m o r e , t h r o u g h o u t life o n e m u s t l e a r n t o d i e . "
A m o n g o t h e r t h i n g s this i n c l u d e s t h e f e a r s o m e l e a r n i n g o f h o w
t o c o n s c i o u s l y give u p c o n t r o l o f o u r lives w h e n i t i s a p p r o p r i a t e
to do s o — a n d ultimately h a n d ourselves over to God.
TRAVELING WITH GOD
I have suggested m a n y reasons to grow in consciousness, b u t we

c a n always ask m o r e r a d i c a l q u e s t i o n s . I f o n e r e a s o n i s t o f i n d
m e a n i n g , what m e a n i n g are we seeking? We n e e d to b e c o m e
c o n s c i o u s t o b e c o m e g o o d a n d save o u r s e l v e s f r o m evil, b u t
why? W h y b e g o o d ? T h e m o r e w e c a n b e c o m e c o n s c i o u s , t h e
m o r e w e will g r o w i n p o w e r a n d c o m p e t e n c e , b u t t o w h a t p u r -
p o s e ? G r a n t e d t h a t t h e w h o l e t h r u s t o f e v o l u t i o n i s i n t h e di-
rection of consciousness, w h e r e are we evolving toward?
N o t h i n g e v e r will r e m o v e all mystery. B u t I b e l i e v e a t l e a s t
part of the answer to these questions can be found in the Latin
d e r i v a t i o n o f t h e very w o r d " c o n s c i o u s , " con-scire, w h i c h literally
m e a n s "to k n o w with." W h a t a s t r a n g e derivation! To k n o w
with? T o k n o w w i t h w h a t ? I s u g g e s t t h a t t h e a n s w e r i s t o k n o w
with G o d . I have said t h a t psychological disorders primarily
have their r o o t in consciousness r a t h e r t h a n in o u r u n c o n -
s c i o u s , t h a t "nasty" m a t e r i a l i s c o n t a i n e d i n o u r u n c o n s c i o u s
o n l y b e c a u s e o u r c o n s c i o u s m i n d refuses t o d e a l w i t h it. I f w e
c a n d e a l w i t h this u n p l e a s a n t stuff, t h e n o u r u n c o n s c i o u s m i n d
offers a n a b s o l u t e g a r d e n o f d e l i g h t s t h r o u g h w h i c h w e a r e c o n -
n e c t e d to G o d . In o t h e r words, I believe t h a t G o d reveals H e r -
self t o u s t h r o u g h o u r u n c o n s c i o u s i f w e a r e w i l l i n g t o b e o p e n
t o i t a n d b e c o m e c o n s c i o u s o f its w i s d o m .
In Gifts for the Journey, o n e of Sister M a r i l y n ' s " w i s d o m "
s o n g s b e g i n s w i t h " W i s d o m is a spirit." Its r e f r a i n is " A n d I say:
ask a n d y o u will r e c e i v e . S e e k a n d y o u will f i n d . K n o c k a n d i t
will b e o p e n t o y o u . A n d I say: t h e L o r d will give y o u H i s m i n d ,
t h e L o r d will s h o w y o u t h e way, t h e L o r d will m a k e y o u h i s
l i g h t . " T h e L o r d will a c t u a l l y give u s H i s m i n d . I f w e b e c o m e
conscious e n o u g h , w e c a n actually b e g i n t o t h i n k with t h e m i n d
of God. T h e development of consciousness is thus, a m o n g
o t h e r t h i n g s , a p r o c e s s o f t h e c o n s c i o u s m i n d o p e n i n g itself t o
t h e u n c o n s c i o u s in o r d e r to be c o n g r u e n t with t h e m i n d of
God. W h e n we b e c o m e aware of a n e w truth, it is because we
c o n s c i o u s l y re-cognize i t t o b e t r u e ; w e r e - k n o w t h a t w h i c h w e
k n e w all a l o n g i n o u r u n c o n s c i o u s m i n d . W e c o m e t o k n o w t h e
wisdom t h a t G o d shares with us.
In The Road Less Traveled, I s u g g e s t e d t h a t G o d a c t u a l l y
s p e a k s t o u s i n a w h o l e variety o f ways, a n d I g a v e s o m e e x a m -
p l e s . O n e i s t h r o u g h H e r "still, s m a l l v o i c e . " O f this still, s m a l l
v o i c e I g a v e a n o t h e r e x a m p l e in Gifts for the Journey, w h e r e I t o l d
o f a w o m a n i n h e r l a t e t h i r t i e s w h o h a d t r a v e l e d r e m a r k a b l y far
o n t h e s p i r i t u a l j o u r n e y b u t was still d e e p l y e n g a g e d i n c o n -
f r o n t i n g h e r g e n e r a l fearfulness a n d lack of faith.
A friend of m i n e , she r e c o u n t e d an experience she h a d
h a d a few m o r n i n g s b e f o r e a s s h e was p u t t i n g o n h e r l i p s t i c k
j u s t b e f o r e g o i n g o u t t h e d o o r t o w o r k . A "still, s m a l l v o i c e " in-
s i d e h e r h e a d said, " G o r u n n i n g . " S h e s h o o k h e r h e a d a s i f t o
s h a k e away t h e v o i c e , b u t i t c a m e b a c k s t r o n g e r . " T h a t ' s r i d i c u -
l o u s , " s h e r e p l i e d , h a l f t o herself, h a l f t o t h e v o i c e . " I d o n ' t g o
r u n n i n g in t h e m o r n i n g s . I only r u n in the evenings. Besides,

I ' m o n m y way t o w o r k . "
" N o n e t h e l e s s , go r u n n i n g now," t h e voice insisted, a n d as
s h e t h o u g h t a b o u t it, s h e r e a l i z e d i t m a d e n o d i f f e r e n c e i f s h e
g o t t o h e r office a t t e n t h a t m o r n i n g i n s t e a d o f n i n e . S o , i n o b e -
dience to t h e voice, she u n d r e s s e d a n d got into h e r j o g g i n g out-
fit. A f t e r s h e h a d r u n a m i l e a n d a h a l f i n a n e a r b y p a r k , s h e
b e g a n f e e l i n g q u i t e a w k w a r d ; s h e was n o t e n j o y i n g i t a n d s h e
d i d n ' t e v e n k n o w w h y s h e was r u n n i n g i n t h e f i r s t p l a c e . A t t h a t
p o i n t t h e v o i c e s p o k e a g a i n . " C l o s e y o u r eyes," i t c o m m a n d e d .
" T h a t ' s crazy," s h e c o u n t e r e d . ' Y o u d o n ' t c l o s e y o u r eyes
w h e n y o u ' r e r u n n i n g . " Finally a g a i n i n o b e d i e n c e , s h e c l o s e d
h e r eyes. A f t e r two s t r i d e s s h e o p e n e d t h e m i n p a n i c . B u t s h e
was still o n t h e p a t h . T h e w o o d s h a d n ' t m o v e d a n d t h e sky h a d n ' t
fallen. T h e v o i c e t o l d h e r t o c l o s e h e r eyes a g a i n . E v e n t u a l l y ,
s h e was a b l e t o t a k e u p t o t w e n t y s t r i d e s w i t h h e r eyes c l o s e d ,
n e v e r r u n n i n g off t h e p a t h o r i n t o t r o u b l e . A t w h i c h p o i n t t h e
voice said, " T h a t ' s e n o u g h f o r today. You c a n g o h o m e n o w . "
A s s h e f i n i s h e d t e l l i n g m e this story, m y f r i e n d ' s eyes f i l l e d
with t e a r s . "To t h i n k , " s h e e x c l a i m e d w i t h joy, " t h a t t h e C r e a t o r
of the whole universe would take t h e time out to go r u n n i n g
with m e . "
As my r u n n i n g friend's experience demonstrates, the Holy
Spirit o f t e n s p e a k s t o u s w h e n w e least e x p e c t it. B u t S h e c a n b e
h e a r d a n d o b e y e d o n l y w h e n H e r v o i c e falls u p o n a s o u l t h a t i s
o p e n t o H e r a n d p r e p a r e d t o l i s t e n . A n d t h a t still d o e s n ' t m a k e
it all easy or s i m p l e . I also s u g g e s t e d in The Road Less Traveled
that G o d can reveal Herself to us t h r o u g h o u r d r e a m s . T h e y a r e
gifts f r o m t h e u n c o n s c i o u s . B u t w e m a y n o t w a n t t o b e c o m e
c o n s c i o u s o f o u r d r e a m s o r h a v e m u c h t a s t e f o r d i s c e r n i n g rev-
elations.
I myself h a d a d r e a m t h a t p r o v e d to be a r e v e l a t i o n . It was
a r o u n d a t i m e i n m y life w h e n I was j u s t b e g i n n i n g t o l e a r n t h e
real m e a n i n g of w h a t is involved in truly s u r r e n d e r i n g to G o d .
The Road Less Traveled h a d j u s t b e e n a c c e p t e d f o r p u b l i c a t i o n
a n d I felt I d e s e r v e d a v a c a t i o n , b u t I d i d n ' t w a n t to sit on a
b e a c h s o m e p l a c e . S o I w e n t off f o r two w e e k s t o a c o n v e n t , m y
first " r e t r e a t , " s o m e t h i n g I k n e w w o u l d be a totally d i f f e r e n t e x -

perience.
I h a d a n u m b e r o f a g e n d a i t e m s f o r this r e t r e a t , b u t m y
l a r g e s t i t e m was t o d e c i d e w h a t t o d o i f b y s o m e d i m c h a n c e The
Road Less Traveled b e c a m e a p o p u l a r best-seller. S h o u l d I give up
m y privacy a n d g o o u t o n t h e l e c t u r e c i r c u i t , o r s h o u l d I r e t i r e
i n t o t h e w o o d s like J . D . S a l i n g e r a n d g e t a n u n l i s t e d p h o n e
n u m b e r ? I d i d n ' t k n o w w h i c h way I w a n t e d t o g o . A n d I d i d n ' t
k n o w w h i c h way G o d w a n t e d m e t o g o . T h e s t a k e s s e e m e d h i g h ,
s o a t t h e t o p o f m y a g e n d a was t h e h o p e t h a t i n t h e q u i e t n e s s o f
the retreat a n d the holiness of the a t m o s p h e r e , I m i g h t get a
revelation from G o d a b o u t h o w to deal with this d i l e m m a . I re-
c o u n t e d my e x p e r i e n c e in Further Along the Road Less Traveled.
T h e d r e a m — a l t h o u g h initially o b s c u r e — w a s t o give m e a
w h o l e n e w p e r s p e c t i v e o n life.
I was a n o n l o o k e r i n a distinctly m i d d l e - c l a s s h o m e . I n
t h i s two-car family t h e r e was a s e v e n t e e n - y e a r - o l d b o y
w h o was t h e k i n d o f s o n e v e r y m o t h e r a n d f a t h e r
w o u l d love t o h a v e . H e was p r e s i d e n t o f t h e s e n i o r
class i n h i g h s c h o o l , h e was g o i n g t o b e v a l e d i c t o r i a n
a t g r a d u a t i o n t i m e , h e was c a p t a i n o f t h e h i g h s c h o o l
f o o t b a l l t e a m , h e was g o o d - l o o k i n g , h e w o r k e d h a r d
after s c h o o l a t a p a r t - t i m e j o b , a n d i f all t h a t w a s n ' t
e n o u g h , h e h a d a g i r l f r i e n d w h o was s w e e t a n d d e -
m u r e . Moreover, t h e boy h a d his driver's license, a n d
was a n u n u s u a l l y r e s p o n s i b l e , m a t u r e d r i v e r f o r h i s
age. O n l y his father w o u l d n ' t let h i m drive. Instead,
t h e father insisted o n driving this boy w h e r e v e r h e h a d
to go—football practice, j o b , dates, proms. A n d to a d d
i n s u l t t o injury, t h e f a t h e r i n s i s t e d t h a t t h e b o y p a y
h i m f i v e d o l l a r s a w e e k o u t o f h i s h a r d - e a r n e d after-
school e a r n i n g s for t h e privilege of b e i n g driven
a r o u n d , w h i c h h e was q u i t e c a p a b l e o f d o i n g himself.
I a w o k e f r o m t h i s d r e a m w i t h a s e n s e o f a b s o l u t e fury a n d
o u t r a g e a t w h a t a n a u t o c r a t i c c r e e p t h e f a t h e r was. I d i d n ' t
know what to m a k e of the dream. It didn't seem to m a k e any

s e n s e a t all. B u t t h r e e days after I h a d w r i t t e n i t d o w n , w h e n I
was r e r e a d i n g w h a t I h a d w r i t t e n , I n o t i c e d t h a t I h a d c a p i t a l -
i z e d t h e " F " i n "father." S o I said t o myself, ' Y o u d o n ' t h a p p e n
to s u p p o s e t h a t t h e father in this d r e a m is G o d t h e Father, do
you? A n d if that's t h e case, you d o n ' t s u p p o s e t h a t I m i g h t be
that seventeen-year-old boy?" A n d t h e n I finally realized t h a t I
h a d g o t t e n a r e v e l a t i o n . G o d was s a y i n g t o m e , "Hey, Scotty, y o u
j u s t pay y o u r d u e s a n d leave t h e driving t o m e . "
I t i s i n t e r e s t i n g t h a t I h a d always t h o u g h t o f G o d a s b e i n g
t h e u l t i m a t e g o o d guy. Yet i n m y d r e a m I h a d cast H i m i n t h e
r o l e o f a u t o c r a t i c , o v e r c o n t r o l l i n g villain, o r a t l e a s t I was r e -
s p o n d i n g t o H i m a s s u c h , w i t h fury a n d o u t r a g e a n d h a t r e d .
T h e p r o b l e m , o f c o u r s e , was t h a t this w a s n ' t t h e r e v e l a t i o n I h a d
h o p e d for. I t w a s n ' t w h a t I w a n t e d t o h e a r . I w a n t e d s o m e little
bit o f a d v i c e f r o m G o d s u c h a s I m i g h t g e t f r o m m y lawyer o r ac-
c o u n t a n t , which I w o u l d be free to a c c e p t or reject. I d i d n ' t
w a n t a big r e v e l a t i o n , p a r t i c u l a r l y n o t o n e i n w h i c h G o d s a i d ,
"Leave t h e d r i v i n g t o m e . " M a n y y e a r s l a t e r I a m still t r y i n g t o
live u p t o this r e v e l a t i o n , t o a b a n d o n myself t o G o d b y l e a r n i n g
the s u r r e n d e r that welcomes His or H e r b e i n g in the driver's
s e a t o f m y s t i l l - a d o l e s c e n t life.
CHAPTER 3
Learning and Growth
IF, AS I HAVE SAID OVER a n d a g a i n , we a r e n o t h e r e to n e c e s s a r i l y

b e h a p p y , fulfilled, o r c o m f o r t a b l e all t h e t i m e , t h e n w h a t a r e
w e h e r e for? W h a t i s t h e m e a n i n g o f life?
I b e l i e v e t h e r e a s o n w e a r e h e r e i s t o l e a r n , w h i c h i s t o say,
t o evolve. B y "evolve" I m e a n t o p r o g r e s s . W h e n p e o p l e l e a r n ,
they a r e in a position to pro-gress (move forward) as o p p o s e d to
r e - g r e s s ( m o v e b a c k w a r d ) . A n d I defy y o u i n y o u r i m a g i n a t i o n
to c o n s t r u c t a m o r e ideal e n v i r o n m e n t for h u m a n l e a r n i n g
t h a n this life. It is a life filled w i t h vicissitudes, u n c e r t a i n l y , a n d
h a r d l e s s o n s . I n o u r g l o o m i e r m o m e n t s , life m a y s e e m like
s o m e s o r t o f a celestial b o o t c a m p . B u t i n B e n j a m i n F r a n k l i n ' s
w o r d s , q u o t e d in The Road Less Traveled, " T h o s e t h i n g s t h a t h u r t ,
i n s t r u c t . " L e a r n i n g is a p r o c e s s i n e x t r i c a b l y i n t e r w o v e n w i t h
t h i n k i n g a n d c o n s c i o u s n e s s . A n d like b o t h t h i n k i n g a n d c o n -
sciousness, the business of l e a r n i n g is n e i t h e r simple n o r en-
tirely s t r a i g h t f o r w a r d . It, t o o , is filled w i t h mystery.
M y p r i m a r y i d e n t i t y i s t h a t o f a scientist, a n d w e scientists
are empiricists, w h o believe that the best r o u t e to knowledge is
through experience. In o t h e r words, experience is d e e m e d the
best way t o l e a r n , a l t h o u g h i t i s c l e a r l y n o t t h e o n l y r o u t e . S o w e
scientists c o n d u c t e x p e r i m e n t s , o r c o n t r o l l e d e x p e r i e n c e s , t o
gain n e w k n o w l e d g e a n d f i n d t r u t h i n t h e w o r l d .
By t h e s a m e t o k e n , I am a spiritual p e r s o n . I k n o w of G o d
n o t only b e c a u s e o f faith, b u t a l s o o n t h e b a s i s o f e v i d e n c e ,
n a m e l y m y e x p e r i e n c e s o f g r a c e . I g a v e e x a m p l e s o f t h e s e ex-
p e r i e n c e s in The Road Less Traveled a n d In Search of Stones. A n d I
have previously talked a b o u t grace as m u c h as possible in terms
o f statistical m e t h o d s o f p r o o f . O n e o f t h e m o s t u s e f u l ways t o
e s t a b l i s h s o m e t h i n g scientifically i s t o a p p l y w h a t a r e c a l l e d t h e
statistics o f i m p r o b a b i l i t y . T h a t m e a n s t h a t t h e l o w e r t h e m a t h -
ematically calculated probability, t h e g r e a t e r t h e improbability,
a n d t h e safer w e feel c o n c l u d i n g t h a t a n e v e n t was n o t t h e r e s u l t
o f c h a n c e a l o n e . T h u s , w e may c o n c l u d e t h a t s o m e t h i n g oc-
c u r r e d b e c a u s e of a significant reason, even if it m a y or may n o t
be explainable.
T h a t is why I have c o m m o n l y s p o k e n a b o u t grace in terms
of a " p a t t e r n of h i g h l y i m p r o b a b l e e v e n t s w i t h a b e n e f i c i a l o u t -
c o m e . " It is also why I have c o n c l u d e d t h a t in s u c h p a t t e r n s we
can see the fingerprints—if n o t the actual h a n d — o f God. So I
a m v e r y m u c h like C a r l J u n g w h o , t o w a r d t h e e n d o f h i s life, was
i n t e r v i e w e d o n f i l m . T h e c l i m a x o f t h a t f i l m , f o r m e , c a m e a t its
conclusion w h e n t h e interviewer asked J u n g , "Do you believe in
G o d ? " J u n g , w h o was a b o u t e i g h t y - t h r e e a t t h e t i m e , p u f f e d o n
h i s p i p e a n d r e p l i e d , i f I r e m e m b e r c o r r e c t l y , "Believe i n G o d ?
We use the word 'believe' w h e n we think of s o m e t h i n g as true
b u t f o r w h i c h w e d o n o t yet h a v e a s u b s t a n t i a l b o d y o f e v i d e n c e .
N o , n o , I d o n ' t b e l i e v e in G o d . I know t h e r e is a G o d . "
THE ROLE OF THE SOUL
M y a s s e r t i o n t h a t this w o r l d i s a n i d e a l e n v i r o n m e n t f o r h u m a n
l e a r n i n g s u g g e s t s t h e possibility t h a t i t m i g h t h a v e b e e n c o n -
structed by G o d for that p u r p o s e , which immediately brings us
to a d i s c u s s i o n a b o u t t h e n o t i o n of t h e s o u l . In People of the Lie,
I q u o t e d K e a t s a s r e f e r r i n g t o this w o r l d a s " t h e vale o f s o u l - m a k -
ing," which m e a n s we're h e r e t o learn a n d b e p r e p a r e d . This
belief is o n e that Christianity a n d o t h e r religions have in com-
m o n with r e i n c a r n a t i o n theory, which suggests t h a t w e ' r e h e r e
to get rid of "bad k a r m a " a n d to learn lessons that are necessary
s o t h a t w e c a n e v e n t u a l l y m a k e t h e t r a n s i t i o n b e y o n d this w o r l d
of rebirth.
Given that we're h e r e to continually learn on t h e j o u r n e y
o f life, i t s e e m s t h a t t h e u l t i m a t e g o a l o f l e a r n i n g i s t h e p e r f e c -
tion of o u r souls. To p r o p o s e t h e idea of b e c o m i n g p e r f e c t e d is
n o t t h e s a m e as saying t h a t we h u m a n s can be perfect, or t h a t
w e s h o u l d try t o b e p e r f e c t i n e v e r y t h i n g . I t o n l y m e a n s t h a t w e
are capable of learning, changing, a n d growing t h r o u g h o u t the
s p a n o f o u r e a r t h l y life.
I c a n n o t prove the existence of t h e soul, any m o r e t h a n I
c a n p r o v e t h e e x i s t e n c e o f G o d t o a d i e h a r d s e c u l a r i s t . I c a n of-
fer m a n y h i n t s t h a t s u g g e s t its e x i s t e n c e , a n d h a v e d o n e s o i n all
of my books. But that doesn't m e a n that everyone is o p e n to the
s a m e sort of evidence t h a t i m p r e s s e d J u n g or led Keats to his
c o n c l u s i o n . T h u s m y latest b o o k , o n t h e subject o f e u t h a n a s i a ,
is e n t i t l e d Denial of the Soul. A n d I w o u l d n o t h a v e u s e d t h e w o r d
"denial" unless I h a d t h e sense that m a n y secularists a r e n o t
only i g n o r a n t of the evidence of the existence of the soul but,
f o r o n e r e a s o n o r a n o t h e r , a r e s t r o n g l y i m m u n e o r c l o s e d t o it.
B u t w h a t i s t h e soul? O n c e a g a i n , w e f i n d o u r s e l v e s in-
volved with s o m e t h i n g t h a t is actually m u c h larger t h a n we are,
a n d therefore c a n n o t be s u b m i t t e d to any single, a d e q u a t e , or
simplistic definition. T h a t d o e s n ' t m e a n , however, t h a t w e c a n ' t
use an operating definition, imperfect t h o u g h it m i g h t be. I be-
lieve s u c h a d e f i n i t i o n c a n a t t h e v e r y l e a s t facilitate o u r p r o g -
ress i n l o o k i n g a t t h e e q u a l l y m y s t e r i o u s s u b j e c t o f l e a r n i n g .
I define t h e soul as "a God-created, G o d - n u r t u r e d , u n i q u e ,
d e v e l o p a b l e , i m m o r t a l h u m a n spirit." E a c h o f t h e s e m o d i f i e r s
is crucial, b u t for t h e m o m e n t let me focus u p o n t h r e e . I have
a l r e a d y s u g g e s t e d t h a t this w o r l d i s s u c h a n i d e a l e n v i r o n m e n t
for h u m a n l e a r n i n g t h a t it has actually b e e n d e s i g n e d for t h a t
p u r p o s e . N o w I a m s a y i n g t h a t w e a r e c r e a t e d b y G o d , a n d fur-
t h e r suggest that we are created to learn. By " G o d - n u r t u r e d " I
m e a n that n o t only did G o d create us from the m o m e n t of o u r
c o n c e p t i o n b u t also t h a t G o d , t h r o u g h g r a c e , c o n t i n u e s t o n u r -
t u r e u s t h r o u g h o u t o u r lives. T h e r e w o u l d b e n o p u r p o s e i n
H e r d o i n g s o unless She w a n t e d s o m e t h i n g from us. W h a t d o e s

She want? She wants us to l e a r n — a n d m o s t of grace seems to be
devoted to that end.
T h e o t h e r key w o r d f o r t h e m o m e n t i s " d e v e l o p a b l e . "
T h e r e would be no point in God's wanting us to learn unless we
could l e a r n , u n l e s s w e w e r e c a p a b l e o f d e v e l o p m e n t . W e a r e
evolving creatures, n o t only as an e n t i r e race b u t as individuals.
As physical beings, we have b o d i e s t h a t stop d e v e l o p i n g a n d
i n e v i t a b l y decay. B u t o u r p s y c h o s p i r i t u a l d e v e l o p m e n t c a n c o n -
t i n u e u n t i l t h e m o m e n t w e d i e ( a n d , I s u s p e c t , l o n g , l o n g after-
w a r d ) . F o r this p s y c h o s p i r i t u a l d e v e l o p m e n t , I will f r e q u e n t l y
use t h e word "growth," a n d growth is inextricably d e p e n d e n t
u p o n learning.
I have r e p e a t e d l y said that we have a c h o i c e of w h e t h e r to
grow or not, w h e t h e r to learn or n o t to learn. O n e of the great-
est p s y c h o l o g i s t s o f this c e n t u r y , A b r a h a m Maslow, c o i n e d t h e
t e r m "self-actualization," b y w h i c h h e m e a n t h u m a n b e i n g s ' ca-
p a c i t y t o g r o w a n d evolve i n t o h i g h e r levels o f p s y c h o s o c i a l a n d
spiritual functioning, autonomy, a n d p e r s o n a l power. O n c e
p e o p l e h a v e a c h i e v e d t h e m e a n s t o m e e t b a s i c n e e d s o f survival,
t h e y c a n m o v e o n t o h i g h e r levels o f a w a r e n e s s , M a s l o w sug-
gested.
M u c h a s I a m i n d e b t e d t o Maslow, I t a k e i s s u e w i t h t h e
t e r m "self-actualization." I d o n o t b e l i e v e t h a t w e c a n a c t u a l i z e
ourselves any m o r e t h a n we can create ourselves. I can no m o r e
c r e a t e myself t h a n I c a n a n iris o r a n o t h e r flower. W h a t I c a n d o
is steward t h e flower g a r d e n that G o d h a s m a d e it possible for
u s t o enjoy. W h a t this m e a n s i s t h a t w h i l e w e c a n n o t c r e a t e o u r
o w n s o u l s , w e c a n s t e w a r d t h e m well o r badly. I n t h e c h o i c e w e
m a k e t o grow, w e c a n b e c o m e c o c r e a t o r s o f o u r s e l v e s , w h e r e a s
w h e n e v e r w e resist g r o w t h , w e a r e r e j e c t i n g t h e r o l e o f b e i n g
cocreator with G o d .
T h e r e f o r e , I b e l i e v e t h a t w h a t M a s l o w c a l l e d self-actualiza-
t i o n s h o u l d b e v i e w e d i n s t e a d a s p e r c e i v i n g life a s a s e r i e s o f o p -
p o r t u n i t i e s for l e a r n i n g a n d m a k i n g choices, a n d o p t i n g t o
c h o o s e g r o w t h m o s t o f t h e t i m e . Typically, t h e h a r d w o r k o f
cocreating (or coactualizing) ourselves with G o d ' s g u i d a n c e is

an ongoing process of unfolding, development, and blooming.
But the deliberate choice to learn a n d grow is primarily o n e
t h a t w e m a k e o r fail t o m a k e a s a d u l t s . D u r i n g o u r c h i l d h o o d ,
m o s t o f o u r l e a r n i n g i s "passive." I n o t h e r w o r d s , f o r t h e m o s t
part it just happens.
PASSIVE LEARNING
Scientists d o n o t fully u n d e r s t a n d h o w w e l e a r n , a n y m o r e t h a n
t h e y fully u n d e r s t a n d t h i n k i n g o r c o n s c i o u s n e s s . B a c k w h e n I
was a p s y c h o l o g y m a j o r in c o l l e g e , we h a d to s t u d y a v e r y i m -
p o r t a n t ( a n d f o r m e , s o m e w h a t difficult) s u b j e c t , l e a r n i n g t h e -
ory. A t t h a t t i m e , m o s t o f l e a r n i n g t h e o r y h a d t o d o w i t h t h e
process of conditioning, which h a d b e e n recognized a n d stud-
i e d b y Pavlov w i t h h i s e x p e r i m e n t a l d o g s . I t was t h o u g h t t h a t w e
l e a r n e d primarily t h r o u g h reward a n d p u n i s h m e n t , j u s t as rats
may be t a u g h t to r u n a m a z e by e i t h e r p u n i s h m e n t (electric
shocks) or reward (food pellets).
I t was f u r t h e r a s s u m e d t h a t t h e way c h i l d r e n l e a r n e d l a n -
g u a g e was t h r o u g h this " b e h a v i o r i s t " p r o c e s s o f c o n d i t i o n i n g .
B u t t h e n t h e g r e a t t h i n k e r A r t h u r Koestler, i n his b o o k The
Ghost in the Machine, totally d e m o l i s h e d t h e b e h a v i o r i s t t h e o r y
of h o w we learn l a n g u a g e , asking d o z e n s of questions a b o u t lan-
g u a g e a c q u i s i t i o n t h a t b e h a v i o r i s m i n n o way c o u l d a n s w e r .
K o e s t l e r h i m s e l f m a d e little a t t e m p t t o e x p l a i n h o w w e l e a r n
language, but he did prove that we know hardly anything about
t h e s u b j e c t . T o this day, h o w c h i l d r e n l e a r n t o s p e a k t h e i r l a n -
g u a g e r e m a i n s m o s t l y a mystery.
O n e fact w e d o k n o w i s t h a t o n e ' s ability t o l e a r n i s n o t
n e c e s s a r i l y fully d e p e n d e n t o n h a v i n g all o f o n e ' s f i v e s e n s e s ac-
tive. H e l e n Keller, f o r e x a m p l e , was d e a f a n d b l i n d , y e t l e a r n e d
n o t o n l y l a n g u a g e b u t also a s t o n i s h i n g w i s d o m . O n t h e o t h e r
h a n d , w e h a v e l e a r n e d t h a t d e p r i v a t i o n o f s e n s o r y n e e d s c a n se-
verely i n t e r f e r e w i t h a c h i l d ' s l e a r n i n g . I n f a n t s r a i s e d w i t h o u t
m e a n i n g f u l h u m a n c o n t a c t or play in a G e r m a n o r p h a n a g e in
t h e 1920s t a u g h t u s t h a t w e n e e d a c e r t a i n f o u n d a t i o n o f s e n -
s o r y r e l a t i o n s w i t h o t h e r s ( t h r o u g h t o u c h w e feel c o n n e c t e d ,
for e x a m p l e ) t o t h r i v e physically o r a c h i e v e a n y m e n t a l g r o w t h
w h a t s o e v e r . F u r t h e r m o r e , t h e r e a r e critical p e r i o d s i n chil-
dren's development, w h e n deprivation or neglect of some areas
of n e e d can limit their a d v a n c e m e n t if no a p p r o p r i a t e inter-
vention takes place. That's why H e a d Start p r o g r a m s work so
well. A s p a r t o f c h i l d r e n ' s e a r l y l e a r n i n g , s u c h p r o g r a m s p r o -
v i d e c o n s i s t e n t s t i m u l a t i o n t o h e l p d e v e l o p t h e social a n d m e n -
tal c o m p e t e n c e o f c h i l d r e n .
B u t like t h e l e a r n i n g o f l a n g u a g e , m o s t l e a r n i n g i n c h i l d -
h o o d s e e m s t o b e a fairly passive affair. F o r i n s t a n c e , e v e n b e -
f o r e c h i l d r e n l e a r n l a n g u a g e , t h e y l e a r n w h a t p s y c h o l o g i s t s call
their e g o b o u n d a r i e s . T h e r e is r e a s o n to believe that t h e new-
b o r n infant c a n n o t distinguish himself from the world. But
s o m e h o w , d u r i n g t h e first n i n e m o n t h s o f life, t h e c h i l d l e a r n s
t h a t his a r m is his a n d t h a t it is different from M o m m y ' s a r m ,
a n d his f i n g e r s a r e distinguishable from Daddy's f i n g e r s . H e
learns that when he has a stomachache, that doesn't m e a n the
whole world must have a stomachache, too. Such learning does
n o t s e e m t o b e a m a t t e r o f c h o i c e , w h i c h i s w h y I call i t passive.
B u t t h e r e m a y b e a g o o d d e a l o f activity i n v o l v e d a s t h e in-
f a n t tries o u t its a r m s a n d f i n g e r s . I n a v e r y r e a l s e n s e , t h i s l e a r n -
ing of ego b o u n d a r i e s is a d e v e l o p m e n t of consciousness, because
i t i s b y t h e a g e o f a b o u t n i n e m o n t h s t h a t w e s e e t h e f i r s t evi-
d e n c e of self-consciousness. Up until t h a t time, w h e n a s t r a n g e r
c o m e s i n t o t h e r o o m , t h e i n f a n t will lie i n its c r i b p e a c e f u l l y ex-
p l o r i n g its e g o b o u n d a r i e s a s i f n o t h i n g h a d h a p p e n e d . B u t
suddenly, a r o u n d n i n e m o n t h s of age, w h e n a stranger comes
i n t o its r o o m , t h e c h i l d will s t a r t s c r e a m i n g i n t e r r o r o r o t h e r -
wise b e c o m e a g i t a t e d . I t h a s d e v e l o p e d w h a t p s y c h o l o g i s t s call
s t r a n g e r anxiety. W h y ? W e c a n d e d u c e f r o m this t h a t t h e c h i l d
h a s n o w b e c o m e a w a r e of itself as a separate entity, o n e t h a t is ter-
ribly s m a l l , relatively h e l p l e s s , a n d e x t r e m e l y v u l n e r a b l e . F r o m
this d e m o n s t r a t i o n o f t h e t e r r o r o f v u l n e r a b i l i t y , w e c a n d e -
d u c e t h a t t h e c h i l d h a s d e v e l o p e d t h e f i r s t r u d i m e n t s o f self-
c o n s c i o u s n e s s . O n e ' s a w a r e n e s s of self is a c c o m p a n i e d by a
s e n s e o f reality t h a t allows u s t o p e r c e i v e o u r s e l v e s a s s e p a r a t e
a n d different from others.
T h e passive l e a r n i n g o f l a n g u a g e a n d e g o b o u n d a r i e s
s e e m s t o b e a p a i n l e s s s o r t o f affair. T h i s d o e s n o t m e a n t h a t all
passive l e a r n i n g i s s o p a i n l e s s . P e r h a p s n o t i m e i s m o r e p a i n f u l
i n t h e life o f a y o u n g h u m a n b e i n g t h a n t h e t e r r i b l e twos. B y
t h e t i m e a c h i l d c o m p l e t e s its s e c o n d year, h e h a s l e a r n e d h i s
e g o b o u n d a r i e s v e r y well. B u t h e h a s n o t y e t l e a r n e d t h e b o u n d -
aries o f h i s p o w e r . C o n s e q u e n t l y , t h e c h i l d a s s u m e s t h a t this i s
t h e b e s t o f all p o s s i b l e w o r l d s a n d t h a t h e h a s all t h e p o w e r .
T h u s , y o u will s e e a c h i l d j u s t s h o r t o f two b o s s i n g a r o u n d h i s
p a r e n t s , h i s s i b l i n g s , a n d t h e family d o g a n d c a t a s i f t h e y w e r e
all little m i n i o n s i n h i s o w n p r i v a t e r o y a l a r m y . B u t t h e n w h a t
h a p p e n s , n o w t h a t h e i s a b l e t o walk a n d t h r o w t h i n g s a n d p u l l
t h e b o o k s off t h e s h e l v e s , i s t h a t h i s m o t h e r a n d f a t h e r will say,
"No. No. No, you can't do that, Johnny. No. No, you can't do
t h a t e i t h e r . N o , y o u ' r e n o t t h e b o s s . N o . N o . W e love y o u v e r y
m u c h . Y o u ' r e very i m p o r t a n t . But n o , y o u ' r e n o t t h e boss.
M o m m y a n d D a d d y are t h e bosses. N o . N o . N o . "
W h a t essentially h a p p e n s i s t h a t i n t h e c o u r s e o f n o m o r e
t h a n twelve m o n t h s o r s o t h e c h i l d i s p s y c h o l o g i c a l l y d e m o t e d
f r o m a f o u r - s t a r g e n e r a l to a p r i v a t e . No w o n d e r it is a t i m e of
d e p r e s s i o n a n d t e m p e r t a n t r u m s ! Yet p a i n f u l t h o u g h t h e t e r r i -
b l e twos a r e , t h e y a r e a v e r y i m p o r t a n t p e r i o d o f l e a r n i n g . A n d
if t h e child is n o t b u r d e n e d with an excess of h u m i l i a t i o n by t h e
e n d o f h i s t h i r d year, h e will h a v e t a k e n h i s f i r s t g i a n t s t e p o u t o f
"infantile narcissism." It is a t i m e t h a t has laid t h e e n t i r e foun-
d a t i o n for w h a t E r i c h F r o m m called socialization, w h i c h h e de-
f i n e d i t a s t h e p r o c e s s o f " l e a r n i n g t o like t o d o w h a t y o u h a v e
to do."
A s c h i l d h o o d c o n t i n u e s , t h e c h i l d m a y w o r k i n c e r t a i n ways
at learning, b u t generally only because of outside pressure in
t h e f o r m o f h o m e w o r k a s s i g n m e n t s , tests, g r a d e s , a n d e x p e c t a -
tions at h o m e . Otherwise, most of a child's l e a r n i n g c o n t i n u e s
to be passive. An e x a m p l e of this is J e n n y , my eight-year-old
h e r o i n e in The Friendly Snowflake. S h e lives in a h e a l t h y family,
a n d h e r left a n d r i g h t b r a i n s o p e r a t e i n sync; o n e c a n s e e h e r
l e a r n i n g like crazy. B u t s h e i s n o t w o r k i n g a t it. S h e i s n o t d e l i b -
erately i n t e r p r e t i n g things. She is j u s t d o i n g what c o m e s natu-
rally, t h i n k i n g away a m i l e a m i n u t e .
Perhaps the most important learning of childhood is that
w h i c h c o m e s f r o m o u r r o l e m o d e l s . I n a n i n t a c t family, t h e p r i -
m a r y r o l e m o d e l s will a u t o m a t i c a l l y b e t h e p a r e n t s . T h e c h i l d
h a s a n a t u r a l t e n d e n c y t o a s s u m e t h a t t h e way p a r e n t s d o t h i n g s
i s t h e way t h e y s h o u l d b e d o n e . T h i s i s p a r t i c u l a r l y t r u e i n t h e
m a t t e r o f self-discipline. I f t h e c h i l d sees h e r p a r e n t s b e h a v i n g
w i t h self-discipline, s h e will b e likely a t a n e a r l y a g e t o simply,
u n c o n s c i o u s l y c h o o s e t o b e c o m e s e l f - d i s c i p l i n e d herself. O n
t h e o t h e r h a n d , if t h e m o t h e r a n d father b e h a v e with a lack of
self-discipline, t h e c h i l d will t h i n k t h a t this i s t h e way t o b e h a v e
a n d will likely fail t o l e a r n t o d e v e l o p s i g n i f i c a n t self-discipline.
T h a t i s p a r t i c u l a r l y t h e case i f h e o r s h e h a s " D o a s I say, n o t a s
I d o " p a r e n t s . A l t h o u g h i t i s passive, l e a r n i n g d u r i n g c h i l d h o o d
i s e x t r e m e l y i m p o r t a n t . I t i s also t h e t i m e w h e n , i f w e a r e f o r t u -
n a t e , w e will b e g i n t o g a i n e m o t i o n a l a s well a s i n t e l l e c t u a l in-
telligence.
M a n y h a v e steadfastly b o u g h t i n t o t h e n o t i o n t h a t intelli-
g e n c e can only be g a u g e d by n u m e r i c a l measures. T h a t is per-
h a p s t r u e of analytical intelligence. B u t as a result, o t h e r aspects
of intelligence have t e n d e d to be overlooked or downplayed,
p a r t i c u l a r l y t h o s e i n v o l v i n g i n t a n g i b l e f a c t o r s s u c h a s self-
a w a r e n e s s , e m p a t h y , a n d social c o n s c i o u s n e s s . T h e r e i s n o w
g r o w i n g d e b a t e o v e r t h e l o n g - s t a n d i n g tests u s e d t o d e t e r m i n e
t h e so-called i n t e l l i g e n c e q u o t i e n t . A l t h o u g h I Q tests a r e h e l p -
ful a n d h a v e p o s i t i v e a s p e c t s , t h e y also h a v e l i m i t a t i o n s . O n e
p r o b l e m is their t e n d e n c y to be culturally biased, which has re-
sulted in m a n y students b e i n g academically mislabeled a n d has
l e d t o t h e m i s a p p l i c a t i o n o f s o m e s t a n d a r d i z e d tests.
Thus, I find quite promising some new research suggesting
that h o w s o m e o n e h a n d l e s e m o t i o n s is as a c c u r a t e — a n d im-
p o r t a n t — a n indication of h u m a n intelligence as intellectual
skills. T h e skills t h a t m a k e u p e m o t i o n a l i n t e l l i g e n c e a r e c o m -
plex a n d multifaceted. O n e example of emotional intelligence
c i t e d in this r e s e a r c h is t h e ability to d e l a y g r a t i f i c a t i o n , w h i c h I
myself w r o t e a b o u t in The Road Less Traveled. T h e r e I d e s c r i b e d
i t a s a p r o c e s s o f s c h e d u l i n g t h e p a i n a n d p l e a s u r e o f life i n
s u c h a way a s t o e n h a n c e t h e p l e a s u r e b y m e e t i n g a n d e x p e r i -
e n c i n g t h e p a i n first a n d getting it over with.
Time m a g a z i n e d e v o t e d a l e n g t h y a r t i c l e t o this m o s t r e c e n t
r e s e a r c h . N o t surprisingly, t h e r e s e a r c h also f o u n d t h a t a c o r -
nerstone of emotional intelligence, on which most other emo-
t i o n a l skills d e p e n d , i s a s e n s e o f self-awareness. F o r e x a m p l e , i n
r e l a t i o n t o self-awareness, p s y c h o l o g i s t s r e f e r t o t h e i m p o r t a n c e
o f " m e t a m o o d , " o r t h e ability t o p u l l b a c k a n d r e c o g n i z e w h a t
o n e i s f e e l i n g — w h e t h e r t h e e m o t i o n i s a n g e r , s h a m e , o r sor-
row—before taking action. This is equivalent to w h a t I de-
scribed in the previous chapter as having an observing a n d
transcendent ego. Once an emotional response comes into
awareness, the chances of h a n d l i n g it appropriately improve if
o n e i s e m o t i o n a l l y a s t u t e . T h e self-awareness t h a t a c c o m p a n i e s
s u c h i n t e l l i g e n c e i s m o s t c r u c i a l o f all, b e c a u s e i t i s t h e v e r y
t h i n g t h a t allows u s t o e x e r c i s e m o r e s e l f - c o n t r o l .
T h e impediments to developing emotional intelligence
a r e f o r m i d a b l e i n a c u l t u r e t h a t e m p h a s i z e s left-brain ( i n t e l l e c -
tual) over right-brain (intuitive) r e a s o n i n g . It is no w o n d e r t h a t
we find the beginnings of emotional numbness in childhood,
w h e n c h i l d r e n l e a r n t o r e p r e s s f e e l i n g s o r s h u t off c o m p l e t e l y .
Adults w h o are u n c o m f o r t a b l e with e m o t i o n s may constantly
criticize c h i l d r e n a b o u t f e e l i n g s o r s c o l d t h e m t o " n o t feel t h a t
way," r e s u l t i n g i n t h e r e p r e s s i o n o f e m o t i o n a l a w a r e n e s s .
An inability to h a n d l e frustration or r e c o g n i z e distressing
feelings has led m a n y c h i l d r e n on t h e p a t h of destructive be-
havior—including eating disorders a n d bullying or o t h e r anti-
social b e h a v i o r — b e c a u s e t h e y l a c k e d g u i d a n c e f r o m m a t u r e
adults a b o u t m a n a g i n g their e m o t i o n s . I believe it w o u l d be
m o r e helpful if teachers a n d parents b e g a n teaching children
t h a t i t i s o k a y t o feel h o w t h e y feel. ( T h i s d o e s n o t m e a n chil-
d r e n c a n — o r s h o u l d — a c t o n e v e r y t h i n g t h e y t h i n k a n d feel.)
Vital t h o u g h t h e passive l e a r n i n g o f c h i l d h o o d i s — b o t h
e m o t i o n a l l y a n d i n t e l l e c t u a l l y — t h e active l e a r n i n g o f a d u l t -
h o o d , i f i t o c c u r s a t all, i s u l t i m a t e l y e v e n m o r e i m p o r t a n t .
A m o n g s o m e psychologists, t h e r e has b e e n a t e n d e n c y to t h i n k
that b y a d o l e s c e n c e "the d a m a g e has b e e n d o n e " a n d that, for
b e t t e r or f o r ill, t h e p e r s o n a l i t y is set. W h i l e this is q u i t e fre-
q u e n t l y t h e c a s e , i t i s n o t n e c e s s a r i l y s o . A n d , i f w e h a v e t h e will,
i t i s i n t h e last 7 5 p e r c e n t o f o u r lives t h a t w e c a n m a k e t h e
greatest changes a n d leaps of growth. A m o n g other things it is
p o s s i b l e t h a t , a s J o n a t h a n Swift said, " t h e l a t t e r p a r t o f a m a n ' s
life i s t a k e n u p i n c u r i n g all o f t h e follies, p r e j u d i c e s a n d false
o p i n i o n s h e h a s c o n t r a c t e d i n t h e f o r m e r p a r t . " T h e active
l e a r n i n g o f a d u l t h o o d i s n o t o n l y p o s s i b l e b u t infinitely desir-
able.
GROWTH AND WILL
I n s o m e ways w e u n d e r s t a n d m u c h m o r e clearly h o w p e o p l e
c a n l e a r n i n a d u l t h o o d b y active, d e l i b e r a t e c h o i c e . W h a t w e d o
n o t u n d e r s t a n d i s why. W e a r e n o w c o n f r o n t e d w i t h t h e e x t r a -
o r d i n a r y m y s t e r y o f t h e h u m a n will.
A s I h a v e w r i t t e n , c e r t a i n p e o p l e (for i n s t a n c e , all t h e
m e m b e r s o f m y i m m e d i a t e family) s e e m t o h a v e b e e n b o r n w i t h
a s t r o n g will w h i l e o t h e r s s e e m t o b e relatively weak-willed. T h e
s u b j e c t , h o w e v e r , h a s n e v e r b e e n s t u d i e d scientifically. W e d o
n o t actually k n o w w h e t h e r t h e r e are differences i n t h e s t r e n g t h
o f will o r w h e t h e r t h e y a r e g e n e t i c o r t o w h a t e x t e n t t h e y a r e d e -
veloped or learned. It is an extremely mysterious matter a n d
r e p r e s e n t s a w i d e - o p e n f r o n t i e r for p s y c h o l o g i c a l r e s e a r c h .
In a n y c a s e , I b e l i e v e t h a t a s t r o n g will is o n e of t h e two
greatest blessings that can be bestowed u p o n a h u m a n being. I
b e l i e v e this n o t b e c a u s e a s t r o n g will n e c e s s a r i l y g u a r a n t e e s suc-
cess—it m a y b a c k f i r e a n d c r e a t e a H i t l e r , f o r e x a m p l e — b u t b e -
c a u s e a w e a k will p r e t t y m u c h g u a r a n t e e s f a i l u r e . F o r i n s t a n c e ,
i t i s s t r o n g - w i l l e d p e o p l e — t h o s e w i t h t h e m y s t e r i o u s will t o
g r o w — w h o d o well i n p s y c h o t h e r a p y n o m a t t e r w h a t t h e i r
c h i l d h o o d o r b a c k g r o u n d was like, n o m a t t e r w h a t t h e o d d s .
O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , o t h e r p e o p l e w h o s e e m t o l a c k this m y s t e -
r i o u s will t o g r o w m a y p o s s e s s all m a n n e r o f a s s e t s — g r e a t i d e a s
a n d t a l e n t s — a n d y e t sit o n t h e i r duffs, g e t t i n g n o p l a c e . Still, a s
I c o n t i n u a l l y p o i n t o u t , all b l e s s i n g s a r e p o t e n t i a l c u r s e s , a n d
o n e d o w n s i d e of a s t r o n g will is a b a d t e m p e r . It is s t r o n g - w i l l e d
p e o p l e w h o w r a p golf c l u b s a r o u n d t r e e s b e c a u s e t h a t d a m n lit-
tle b a l l w o n ' t g o w h e r e t h e y want i t t o g o . S t r o n g - w i l l e d p e o p l e
h a v e a l o t o f l e a r n i n g t o d o t o effectively m a n a g e t h e i r a n g e r .
In Further Along the Road Less Traveled, I w r o t e t h a t I u s e d to
e x p l a i n to my p a t i e n t s t h a t h a v i n g a w e a k will is like h a v i n g a lit-
tle d o n k e y i n y o u r b a c k y a r d . I t c a n ' t h u r t y o u v e r y m u c h ; a b o u t
the worst it can do is c h o m p on y o u r tulips. But it c a n ' t h e l p you
t h a t m u c h e i t h e r , a n d y o u c o u l d e n d u p w i t h a life o f r e g r e t s f o r
n o t doing things you t h o u g h t you should do. Having a strong
will, o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , i s like h a v i n g a d o z e n C l y d e s d a l e s i n
y o u r b a c k y a r d . T h o s e h o r s e s a r e massive a n d e x t r e m e l y s t r o n g ,
a n d if they are n o t properly trained, disciplined, a n d har-
n e s s e d , t h e y will k n o c k y o u r h o u s e d o w n . O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , i f
they are p r o p e r l y trained, disciplined, a n d harnessed, t h e n with
t h e m y o u c a n literally m o v e m o u n t a i n s . T h u s t h e d i s t i n c t i o n
b e t w e e n t h e h a r n e s s e d a n d u n h a r n e s s e d will i s i m p o r t a n t . B u t
t o w h a t i s t h e will t o b e h a r n e s s e d ? Y o u r will c a n n o t b e h a r -
n e s s e d s i m p l y t o yourself. I t h a s t o b e h a r n e s s e d t o a p o w e r
h i g h e r t h a n yourself.
In h i s b o o k Will and Spirit, t h e first c h a p t e r of w h i c h is e n -
t i t l e d " W i l l i n g n e s s a n d Willfulness," G e r a l d M a y w r i t e s t h a t will-
f u l n e s s c h a r a c t e r i z e s t h e u n h a r n e s s e d h u m a n will, w h e r e a s
w i l l i n g n e s s i d e n t i f i e s t h e s t r o n g will o f a p e r s o n w h o i s willing t o
go w h e r e he or she is called or led by a h i g h e r power. Further-
m o r e , given t h e relationship b e t w e e n willingness a n d a h i g h e r
p o w e r , it is no c o i n c i d e n c e t h a t I w r o t e in The Road Less Traveled
t h a t t h e will t o g r o w i s i n e s s e n c e t h e s a m e p h e n o m e n o n a s
love. I d e f i n e d love a s t h e will t o e x t e n d o n e s e l f f o r o n e ' s o w n
spiritual growth or a n o t h e r ' s . G e n u i n e l y loving p e o p l e are, by
d e f i n i t i o n , g r o w i n g p e o p l e . I h a v e s p o k e n a b o u t h o w t h e ca-
p a c i t y t o love i s n u r t u r e d i n o n e b y l o v i n g p a r e n t s , b u t I h a v e
also n o t e d t h a t p a r e n t a l n u r t u r i n g a l o n e fails t o a c c o u n t f o r t h e
e x i s t e n c e o f this c a p a c i t y i n all p e o p l e . T h u s , I h a v e c o m e t o b e -
lieve t h a t p e o p l e ' s c a p a c i t y t o love, h e n c e t h e i r will t o grow, i s
n u r t u r e d n o t o n l y d u r i n g c h i l d h o o d b y l o v i n g p a r e n t s b u t also
t h r o u g h o u t t h e i r lives b y g r a c e , o r G o d ' s love.
Yet w e a r e left w i t h t h e q u e s t i o n o f w h y o n l y s o m e p e o p l e
c o n t i n u e t o s h o w a will t o g r o w t h r o u g h o u t life, w h i l e m a n y
s h u n n o t only growth b u t t h e responsibility that c o m e s with
l e a r n i n g . M y s t e r i o u s t h o u g h i t is, t h e c h o i c e t o actively l e a r n a s
a n a d u l t a n d d e v o t e o n e ' s will c o n s c i o u s l y t o g r o w t h a n d l e a r n -
i n g i s t h e m o s t c r u c i a l d e c i s i o n o n e e v e r m a k e s i n life. B u t w h e n
i s t h i s c h o i c e m a d e ? A g a i n , t h e issue h a s n o t b e e n scientifically
s t u d i e d t h e way i t s h o u l d b e . A s I h a v e s u g g e s t e d , t h e r e i s n o ev-
idence that the choice is m a d e in childhood. But it can be m a d e
as early as m i d - a d o l e s c e n c e . I have received letters from p e o p l e
as y o u n g as fifteen a n d sixteen in response to my books w h o
clearly have already m a d e t h a t choice.
My daughters h a d m a d e the decision by the time they en-
tered college a n d chose to major in t h e h a r d sciences a n d
m a t h e m a t i c s , e v e n t h o u g h t h e y f o u n d t h o s e s u b j e c t s q u i t e dif-
f i c u l t . A g o n i z i n g o v e r t h e i r difficulty, I a s k e d t h e m w h y t h e y
d i d n ' t major in t h e h u m a n i t i e s , subjects at which they were
g o o d a n d t o w h i c h t h e y t o o k l i k e d u c k s t o water. B o t h a n -
s w e r e d , "But, D a d , w h a t ' s t h e p o i n t o f m a j o r i n g i n s o m e t h i n g
t h a t ' s easy f o r y o u ? " I t i s c l e a r t o m e t h a t t h e y w e r e , i n s o m e ways
a t least, m o r e a d v a n c e d i n t h e i r will t o l e a r n t h a n I was a t t h e i r
same age.
But while t h e choice to be a l e a r n e r may be m a d e as early
a s a d o l e s c e n c e , this d o e s n o t n e c e s s a r i l y m e a n t h a t i t i s m a d e
t h e n . I h a v e k n o w n p e o p l e w h o s e critical m o m e n t s o f m a k i n g
t h a t c h o i c e s e e m e d t o c o m e i n t h e i r t h i r t i e s , forties, f i f t i e s , o r
sixties, o r e v e n i n t h e m o n t h o r two p r e c e d i n g t h e i r d e a t h . I
also d o n ' t m e a n t o i m p l y t h a t i t i s a s i n g l e c h o i c e . S o m e s e e m t o
m a k e the choice b u t do so only halfheartedly a n d n o t be re-
m a r k a b l y active l e a r n e r s f o r t h e r e s t o f t h e i r lives. O t h e r s w h o
m a k e t h e choice in midlife may b e c o m e t h e m o s t fervent of
learners. S o m e t i m e s it c o m e s d u r i n g p e r i o d s of taking stock, as
in a m i d l i f e crisis. In m o s t cases, as far as I c a n d i s c e r n , t h e

choice is m a d e repeatedly. T h e decision t h e n b e c o m e s stronger
a n d stronger as it is r e m a d e a n d r e m a d e . Certainly that has
been my own pattern. I c a n n o t r e m e m b e r any o n e particular
m o m e n t w h e n I f i r s t c h o s e t o b e c o m e a n active l e a r n e r , b u t I
can recall m a n y m o m e n t s w h e n I chose to c e m e n t that choice.
M y o w n p e r s o n a l style h a s b e e n , f o r m o s t o f m y life, l e a r n -
ing from experience, a n d particularly t h r o u g h the contempla-
t i o n o f m y o w n life e x p e r i e n c e s . T h a t ' s w h y I d e s c r i b e t h e
c o n t e m p l a t i v e a s s o m e o n e w h o t a k e s a little b i t o f e x p e r i e n c e
a n d m i l k s i t f o r all it's w o r t h . It's n o t s i m p l y a m a t t e r o f h o w
m u c h e x p e r i e n c e y o u h a v e i n life b u t w h a t y o u d o w i t h it. W e all
k n o w p e o p l e w h o h a v e a c c o m p l i s h e d m a n y tasks, o r d o n e this
and that which seem to a m o u n t to a broad range of experi-
e n c e s , b u t w h o s e e m a s n a i v e o r c o n f u s e d a s ever. J u s t g o i n g
a r o u n d having different experiences is worthless if o n e does
n o t learn s o m e t h i n g a b o u t oneself a n d t h e rest of the world
f r o m t h o s e e x p e r i e n c e s . T h a t ' s w h y it's i m p o r t a n t t o b e a l e r t
n o t only to external b u t to internal e x p e r i e n c e s that serve o u r
spiritual growth. T h u s a large p a r t of t h e willingness to learn
m u s t i n c l u d e l e a r n i n g b y l o o k i n g w i t h i n . Specific t o t h e p o i n t i s
a q u o t e f r o m t h e p h i l o s o p h e r S 0 r e n K i e r k e g a a r d , w h o said: " A
m a n m a y p e r f o r m a s t o n i s h i n g feats a n d c o m p r e h e n d a vast
a m o u n t o f k n o w l e d g e , a n d yet h a v e n o u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f h i m -
self. B u t s u f f e r i n g d i r e c t s a m a n t o l o o k w i t h i n . I f i t s u c c e e d s ,
t h e n t h e r e , within h i m , is t h e b e g i n n i n g of his l e a r n i n g . "
U l t i m a t e l y , s o m e o n e w h o s e will h a s b e c o m e d e v o t e d t o
l e a r n i n g a n d g r o w t h i s s o m e o n e w h o s e will i s c l e a r l y i n a l i g n -
m e n t with G o d ' s p u r p o s e . T h a t d o e s n o t m e a n , however, t h a t
s u c h a p e r s o n i s c o n s c i o u s o f t h i s fact, o r t h a t h e sees h i m s e l f a s
b e i n g "in h a r m o n y w i t h a n u n s e e n o r d e r o f t h i n g s . " H e m a y
c o n s i d e r h i m s e l f t o b e a g n o s t i c . Yet e v e n m a n y w h o d o n o t
identify G o d a s t h e i r h i g h e r p o w e r m a y s h o w a w i l l i n g n e s s t o
submit themselves to something they consider greater than
t h e m s e l v e s — p e r h a p s t h e ideals of love, light, a n d t r u t h . In t h e
e n d , o f c o u r s e , all t h e s e q u a l i t i e s h a v e s o m e t h i n g t o d o w i t h
God. Nonetheless, it is my impression that as such p e o p l e con-
t i n u e o v e r t h e y e a r s a n d d e c a d e s t o d e v o t e t h e i r will t o l e a r n i n g
a n d g r o w t h , t h e y a l m o s t i n e v i t a b l y will fall i n t o t h e h a n d s o f t h e
living G o d , a n d t h e i r s o u l will b e i n a p e r s o n a l r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h
its c r e a t o r a n d n u r t u r e r .
O U T OF NARCISSISM
W e h a v e all h e a r d a b o u t p e o p l e s o s e l f - c e n t e r e d t h a t t h e y w o n -
d e r h o w t h e w o r l d w o u l d m a n a g e t o survive w i t h o u t t h e m . F o r
o t h e r s , narcissism may n o t r u n t h a t d e e p . But for e a c h o f u s o n e
of the most difficult—and most i m p o r t a n t — t h i n g s to learn a n d
c o m e t o t e r m s w i t h i s t h a t t h e w o r l d d o e s n o t s i m p l y revolve
a r o u n d any o n e of us.
I h a v e p r e v i o u s l y s p o k e n of n a r c i s s i s m as a t h i n k i n g disor-
d e r . In In Search of Stones, I w r o t e t h a t t h e p r i m a r y r e a s o n Lily
a n d I have unlisted p h o n e n u m b e r s a n d o t h e r e l a b o r a t e secu-
rity d e v i c e s i s t o p r o t e c t u s f r o m t h e narcissists o f t h e w o r l d . Be-
f o r e w e a c q u i r e d t h e s e p r o t e c t i o n s a d o z e n y e a r s a g o , i t was
b e c o m i n g i n c r e a s i n g l y c o m m o n f o r t h e p h o n e t o r i n g a t 2:00
A.M. T h e c a l l e r w o u l d b e a s t r a n g e r w a n t i n g t o d i s c u s s w i t h m e
s o m e f i n e p o i n t o f w h a t I h a d w r i t t e n . " B u t it's two o ' c l o c k i n
t h e m o r n i n g , " I w o u l d p r o t e s t . "Well, it's o n l y e l e v e n o u t h e r e i n
C a l i f o r n i a , " t h e v o i c e a t t h e o t h e r e n d o f t h e l i n e w o u l d ex-
plain, " a n d besides, t h e rates are c h e a p e r now."
Narcissists c a n n o t o r will n o t t h i n k a b o u t o t h e r p e o p l e . I
b e l i e v e t h a t w e a r e all b o r n narcissists. H e a l t h y p e o p l e g r o w o u t
of their natural narcissism, a growth that can be a c c o m p l i s h e d
only as they b e c o m e m o r e conscious a n d learn to consider oth-
e r s , a n d t h i n k a b o u t t h e m m o r e . T h i s l e a r n i n g b u i l d s o n itself
because the m o r e we learn, the m o r e conscious we become.
I h a v e a l r e a d y s u g g e s t e d t h a t t h e t e r r i b l e twos a r e a t i m e
w h e n c h i l d r e n t a k e t h e i r first g i a n t s t e p o u t o f i n f a n t i l e n a r c i s -
sism. W e d o n o t k n o w w h a t c a u s e s p e o p l e t o fail t o g r o w o u t o f
narcissism, b u t I have s t r o n g reasons to suspect that t h e failure
b e g i n s i n this v u l n e r a b l e p e r i o d o f life, t h e t e r r i b l e twos, w h i c h
i s a n inevitably h u m i l i a t i n g t i m e . I t i s t h e task o f p a r e n t s t o b e
g e n t l e w i t h a c h i l d i n t h a t h u m i l i a t i o n a s m u c h a s realistically
p o s s i b l e . N o t all p a r e n t s d o t h i s , h o w e v e r . T h e r e a r e p a r e n t s
w h o , d u r i n g t h e t e r r i b l e twos a n d t h r o u g h o u t a c h i l d h o o d , will
do everything that they can to humiliate their children b e y o n d
what is necessary for t h e m to b e c o m e h u m b l e . I have an inkling
that t h e failure to grow o u t of narcissism may be r o o t e d in such
excessive h u m i l i a t i o n .
I suspect that children w h o have b e e n so deeply humili-
ated t e n d to begin clinging desperately to a self-centered world-
view. O n e r e a s o n f o r this i s t h a t t h e y m a y literally feel a s i f
t h e y ' r e h o l d i n g o n t o d e a r life. N a r c i s s i s m i s t h e o n l y t h i n g t h a t
provides a sense of security in an otherwise t u m u l t u o u s p e r i o d .
S i n c e t h e y h a v e b e e n s h a m e d i n s u c h a way t h a t t h e i r e g o s b e -
c o m e i n c r e d i b l y fragile, t h e y b e g i n t o e q u a t e t h e i r v e r y survival
w i t h v i e w i n g life t h r o u g h a narcissistic f r a m e o f r e f e r e n c e .
W h i l e i t i s d u r i n g t h e t e r r i b l e twos t h a t w e t a k e o u r first gi-
ant step o u t of infantile narcissism, that d o e s n ' t suggest by any
m e a n s that it is t h e only or t h e final step. I n d e e d , a flare-up of
narcissism can c o m m o n l y be seen in a d o l e s c e n c e — f o r exam-
ple, w h e n the adolescent never even stops to think that any
o t h e r m e m b e r o f t h e family m i g h t possibly n e e d t h e car.
N o n e t h e l e s s , i t m a y also b e i n a d o l e s c e n c e t h a t w e t a k e o u r
n e x t g i a n t s t e p . I r e c o u n t an e x a m p l e in A World Waiting to Be
Born o f a t u r n i n g p o i n t i n m y o w n life d u r i n g e a r l y a d o l e s c e n c e .
O n e m o r n i n g , a t t h e a g e o f f i f t e e n , I was w a l k i n g d o w n a
road at my b o a r d i n g school a n d spied a classmate fifty yards
away. H e was s t r o l l i n g t o w a r d m e , a n d w h e n w e c a m e a b r e a s t ,
w e s p o k e t o e a c h o t h e r for f i v e m i n u t e s a n d t h e n w e n t o u r sep-
a r a t e ways. Fifty y a r d s f a r t h e r d o w n t h e r o a d , b y G o d ' s g r a c e , I
was s t r u c k b y a r e v e l a t i o n . I s u d d e n l y r e a l i z e d t h a t f o r t h e e n t i r e
ten-minute period from when I h a d first seen my acquaintance
u n t i l t h a t v e r y m o m e n t , I h a d b e e n totally s e l f - p r e o c c u p i e d . F o r
t h e two o r t h r e e m i n u t e s b e f o r e w e m e t , all I was t h i n k i n g a b o u t
was t h e c l e v e r t h i n g s I m i g h t say t h a t w o u l d i m p r e s s h i m . D u r -
i n g o u r f i v e m i n u t e s t o g e t h e r , I was l i s t e n i n g t o w h a t h e h a d t o
say o n l y so t h a t I m i g h t t u r n it i n t o a c l e v e r r e j o i n d e r . I w a t c h e d
h i m o n l y s o t h a t I m i g h t s e e w h a t effect m y r e m a r k s w e r e h a v i n g
u p o n h i m . A n d f o r t h e two o r t h r e e m i n u t e s after w e s e p a r a t e d ,
m y s o l e t h o u g h t was o f t h o s e t h i n g s I c o u l d h a v e said t h a t m i g h t
have impressed h i m even m o r e .
I h a d n o t c a r e d a whit for my classmate. I h a d n o t con-
c e r n e d myself w i t h w h a t h i s j o y s o r s o r r o w s m i g h t h a v e b e e n o r
w h a t I c o u l d h a v e s a i d t h a t m i g h t h a v e m a d e h i s life a little less
b u r d e n s o m e . I h a d c a r e d a b o u t h i m o n l y a s a foil f o r m y wit a n d
a m i r r o r f o r m y glory. B y t h e g r a c e o f G o d , i t was n o t o n l y r e -
v e a l e d t o m e h o w s e l f - c e n t e r e d a n d s e l f - a b s o r b e d I was, b u t also
h o w , i f I c o n t i n u e d w i t h t h a t k i n d o f c o n s c i o u s n e s s , i t w o u l d in-
evitably l e a d m e i n t o a f e a r f u l , e m p t y a n d l o n e l y " m a t u r i t y . " S o
a t t h e a g e o f fifteen I b e g a n t o d o b a t t l e w i t h m y n a r c i s s i s m .
B u t t h a t was j u s t t h e b e g i n n i n g . G i v e n t h e t e n a c i o u s n e s s o f
o u r n a r c i s s i s m , its t e n t a c l e s c a n b e s u b t l e a n d p e n e t r a t i n g . W e
m u s t c o n t i n u e t o h a c k away a t t h e m d a y b y day, w e e k a f t e r
w e e k , m o n t h after m o n t h , a n d y e a r after year. A n d t h e r e a r e all
m a n n e r o f pitfalls o n t h e j o u r n e y , s u c h a s b e i n g p r o u d o f h o w
h u m b l e y o u h a v e b e c o m e . A s I've g r o w n i n c o n s c i o u s n e s s , n a t -
u r a l l y I ' m l e a r n i n g t o b e less narcissistic a n d m o r e e m p a t h e t i c
toward o t h e r people. But in looking back, o n e of my regrets is
h o w u n e m p a t h e t i c I was w i t h m y o w n p a r e n t s a s t h e y w e r e ag-
ing. It t o o k my own personal struggles with t h e aging process to
better u n d e r s t a n d what my own parents must have e n d u r e d ,
a n d n o w I feel a g r e a t e r s e n s e o f k i n s h i p w i t h t h e m t h a n e v e r
before.
L e a r n i n g m y way o u t o f n a r c i s s i s m h a s b e e n t h e s i n g l e
g r e a t e s t t h e m e o f m y life a n d , a g a i n l o o k i n g b a c k , m a r r i a g e h a s
b e e n my g r e a t e s t t e a c h e r . In A World Waiting to Be Born, I w r o t e
that b e c a u s e of my own narcissism early in o u r relationship, it
b e g a n t o d a w n o n m e o n l y after two y e a r s o f m a r r i a g e t h a t Lily
might be something more than my appendage, something
m o r e t h a n m y "it." I t was t h e f r i c t i o n i n o u r r e l a t i o n s h i p t h a t
o p e n e d m y eyes. I f o u n d myself r e p e a t e d l y a n n o y e d a t h e r f o r
b e i n g away f r o m h o m e , s h o p p i n g , a t t i m e s w h e n I n e e d e d h e r
a n d equally a n n o y e d a t h e r for "pestering" m e a t h o m e w h e n I
felt i n n e e d o f s o l i t u d e . G r a d u a l l y I b e g a n t o r e a l i z e t h a t m o s t
o f m y i r r i t a t i o n was t h e r e s u l t o f a b i z a r r e a s s u m p t i o n i n m y
m i n d . I a s s u m e d t h a t Lily s h o u l d s o m e h o w b e t h e r e f o r m e
w h e n e v e r I wanted her, a n d n o t be t h e r e w h e n e v e r h e r pres-
e n c e was i n c o n v e n i e n t . F u r t h e r m o r e , I a s s u m e d t h a t s h e
s h o u l d s o m e h o w n o t o n l y k n o w w h i c h t i m e was w h i c h b u t also
k n o w i t w i t h o u t m y h a v i n g t o tell h e r . I t was p e r h a p s a n o t h e r
d e c a d e b e f o r e I was a b l e t o fully c u r e myself o f t h a t p a r t i c u l a r
insanity.
B u t t h a t was o n l y t h e b e g i n n i n g . O n e o f t h e r e a s o n s m y
m a r r i a g e t o Lily h a s s u r v i v e d i s t h a t w e b o t h , i n o u r o w n way, a r e
deeply c o n s i d e r a t e p e o p l e . At first, however, o u r c o n s i d e r a t i o n
was r a t h e r p r i m i t i v e a n d h a d m o r e t o d o w i t h o u r self-image
t h a n a n y t h i n g else. W e w a n t e d t o t h i n k o f o u r s e l v e s a s g o o d
people, so we tried to be good. Being good m e a n t being con-
siderate, a n d we knew the great rule of goodness or considera-
t i o n was " D o u n t o o t h e r s a s y o u w o u l d h a v e t h e m d o u n t o y o u . "
S o w e t r i e d v e r y h a r d t o t r e a t e a c h o t h e r t h e way w e w a n t e d t o
b e t r e a t e d . O n l y i t d i d n ' t w o r k o u t v e r y well b e c a u s e t h e reality
i s t h a t Lily a n d I , like m a n y c o u p l e s , e n t e r e d m a r r i a g e a s rela-
tively m i l d narcissists. W e w e r e n o t like t h e 2:00 A.M. p h o n e
callers. W e w e r e e x q u i s i t e l y p o l i t e — b u t n o t yet wise, b e c a u s e w e
w e r e o p e r a t i n g u n d e r t h e narcissistic a s s u m p t i o n t h a t t h e o t h e r
was j u s t like u s o r else m i s g u i d e d .
W h a t w e e v e n t u a l l y l e a r n e d was t h a t t h e G o l d e n R u l e i s
j u s t t h e b e g i n n i n g . T o grow, w e h a d t o l e a r n t o r e c o g n i z e a n d
r e s p e c t t h e otherness o f e a c h o t h e r . I n d e e d , this i s t h e a d v a n c e d
course of marriage, which teaches: Do u n t o others as you would
have t h e m do u n t o you if you were in their particular, u n i q u e ,
a n d d i f f e r e n t s h o e s . I t i s n o t easy l e a r n i n g . A f t e r m o r e t h a n six
d e c a d e s o f living, Lily a n d I a r e still l e a r n i n g i t a n d s o m e t i m e s
feel like b e g i n n e r s . W e a r e l e a r n i n g t h a t o u r d i f f e r e n c e s c r e a t e
t h e s p i c e o f o u r m a r r i a g e a s well a s t h e wisdom o f it. T h e ex-
p r e s s i o n "Two h e a d s a r e b e t t e r t h a n o n e " w o u l d b e m e a n i n g -
less i f b o t h h e a d s w e r e e x a c t l y t h e s a m e . B e c a u s e Lily's a n d m y
h e a d s are so different, w h e n we p u t t h e m t o g e t h e r — a s we've
d o n e i n c h i l d - r a i s i n g , m o n e y m a n a g e m e n t , t h e p l a n n i n g o f va-
c a t i o n s , a n d t h e l i k e — t h e o u t c o m e i s i n v a r i a b l y wiser t h a n i f ei-
t h e r o f u s h a d a c t e d a l o n e . S o g r o w i n g o u t o f n a r c i s s i s m allows
for t h e p r o c e s s k n o w n a s c o l l a b o r a t i o n , i n w h i c h p e o p l e l a b o r
t o g e t h e r w i t h wits as well as b r a w n .
NARCISSISM VERSUS SELF-LOVE
Yet w e a r e c o n f r o n t e d w i t h a p a r a d o x . W h i l e g r o w i n g o u t o f
n a r c i s s i s m — o u r s e l f - c e n t e r e d n e s s a n d o f t e n excessive s e n s e o f
i m p o r t a n c e — i s m o r e t h a n a n y t h i n g else w h a t life i s a b o u t , i t i s
e q u a l l y vital t h a t w e also s i m u l t a n e o u s l y l e a r n t o c o m e t o t e r m s
with just h o w i m p o r t a n t a n d valuable we are.
Humility m e a n s having true knowledge of oneself as o n e
is. I n m y o p i n i o n , i t i s critical for u s t o b e realistic a b o u t o u r -
selves a s w e a r e , a n d b e a b l e t o r e c o g n i z e b o t h t h e g o o d a n d
b a d p a r t s o f o u r s e l v e s . B u t t h a t d o e s n o t m e a n — a s m a n y falsely
c o n c l u d e — t h a t w e s h o u l d give m o r e e m p h a s i s t o t h e n e g a t i v e
p a r t s o f w h o w e a r e a n d d o w n p l a y o r a l t o g e t h e r dismiss t h e
g o o d p a r t s a s s e c o n d a r y . Yet m a n y d o so, t r y i n g t o d i s p l a y a
pseudo-humility t h a t m a y e x t e n d to an inability to receive c o m -
p l i m e n t s o r a s s e r t o n e s e l f w h e n a p p r o p r i a t e t o d o so.
F u r t h e r , t h e r e i s a d i s t i n c t i o n t o b e m a d e b e t w e e n self-love
( w h i c h I p r o p o s e is always a g o o d t h i n g ) a n d s e l f - e s t e e m ( w h i c h
I p r o p o s e c a n o f t e n be q u e s t i o n a b l e ) . As I w r o t e in Further
Along the Road Less Traveled, t h e two a r e o f t e n c o n f u s e d b e c a u s e
we do n o t have a rich e n o u g h vocabulary to cover these p h e -
n o m e n a . I h o p e t h a t e v e n t u a l l y t h e p r o b l e m will b e r e s o l v e d b y
d e v e l o p i n g n e w w o r d s t h a t a r e m o r e a d e q u a t e , b u t for t h e m o -
m e n t we a r e stuck with t h e old o n e s .
F o r e x a m p l e , t h e r e a r e t i m e s w h e n w e a c t i n ways t h a t a r e
u n b e c o m i n g . I f w e d e n y t h a t o u r b e h a v i o r i s " b a d " a n d fail t o
s e e k ways t o c o r r e c t i t o r r e d e e m o u r s e l v e s b y l e a r n i n g f r o m
what we have d o n e wrong, t h e n we are primarily c o n c e r n e d
w i t h self-esteem. O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , i f w e a r e o p e r a t i n g f r o m a
s e n s e o f self-love, t h e h e a l t h i e r t h i n g t o d o w o u l d b e t o ac-
knowledge o u r mistakes a n d chastise ourselves if we m u s t — a s
well a s h a v e t h e ability t o d i s c e r n t h a t o u r f a i l u r e a t a n y g i v e n
m o m e n t d o e s n o t totally d e f i n e o u r w o r t h o r w h o w e a r e a s a
p e r s o n . W e n e e d m o m e n t s w h e n w e realize that w e d o n o t have
i t all t o g e t h e r a n d t h a t w e a r e n o t p e r f e c t . S u c h m o m e n t s a r e
c r u c i a l t o o u r g r o w t h b e c a u s e l o v i n g o u r s e l v e s r e q u i r e s t h e ca-
pacity to recognize that t h e r e is s o m e t h i n g a b o u t us we n e e d to
work on.
So t h e r e is a d i f f e r e n c e b e t w e e n i n s i s t i n g t h a t we always
feel g o o d a b o u t o u r s e l v e s ( w h i c h i s narcissistic a n d s y n o n y m o u s
with constantly p r e s e r v i n g o u r self-esteem) a n d insisting t h a t
we regard ourselves as i m p o r t a n t or valuable (which is healthy
self-love). U n d e r s t a n d i n g a n d m a k i n g this d i s t i n c t i o n i s a p r e -
r e q u i s i t e for m a t u r e m e n t a l h e a l t h . I n o r d e r t o b e g o o d , h e a l t h y
p e o p l e , w e h a v e t o p a y t h e p r i c e o f s e t t i n g a s i d e o u r self-esteem
o n c e i n a w h i l e a n d n o t always f e e l i n g g o o d a b o u t o u r s e l v e s .
B u t w e s h o u l d always b e a b l e t o love a n d v a l u e o u r s e l v e s , e v e n i f
w e s h o u l d n ' t always e s t e e m o u r s e l v e s .
A b o u t t w e n t y y e a r s a g o , I saw a s e v e n t e e n - y e a r - o l d p a t i e n t
w h o h a d b e e n o n his o w n since t h e a g e o f f o u r t e e n . H e h a d h a d
a t r o c i o u s p a r e n t i n g , a n d I t o l d h i m d u r i n g o n e s e s s i o n , "Jack,
y o u r b i g g e s t p r o b l e m i s t h a t y o u d o n ' t love yourself, t h a t y o u
d o n ' t v a l u e yourself." T h a t s a m e n i g h t I h a d t o d r i v e f r o m C o n -
n e c t i c u t t o N e w York i n t h e m i d d l e o f a t e r r i b l e s t o r m . S h e e t s o f
r a i n w e r e s w e e p i n g a c r o s s t h e h i g h w a y , a n d t h e visibility was s o
p o o r t h a t I c o u l d n ' t e v e n s e e t h e s i d e o f t h e r o a d o r t h e yellow
line. I h a d to k e e p my attention absolutely g l u e d on t h e road,
e v e n t h o u g h I was v e r y t i r e d . If I h a d lost my c o n c e n t r a t i o n f o r
e v e n a s e c o n d , I w o u l d h a v e g o n e off t h e r o a d . A n d t h e o n l y way
I was a b l e t o m a k e t h e n i n e t y - m i l e t r i p i n t h a t t e r r i b l e s t o r m was
t o k e e p s a y i n g t o myself, o v e r a n d o v e r a g a i n , " T h i s little Volks-
wagen is carrying e x t r e m e l y valuable cargo. It is e x t r e m e l y im-
p o r t a n t t h a t t h i s v a l u a b l e c a r g o g e t t o N e w Y o r k safely." A n d s o
it d i d .
T h r e e days later, b a c k i n C o n n e c t i c u t , I saw J a c k a g a i n a n d
l e a r n e d t h a t i n t h e s a m e r a i n s t o r m , n o t n e a r l y a s t i r e d a s I was
a n d o n a m u c h s h o r t e r j o u r n e y , h e h a d d r i v e n h i s c a r off t h e
road. Fortunately, he h a d n ' t b e e n seriously h u r t . I do n o t be-
lieve h e h a d d o n e this b e c a u s e h e was c o v e r d y s u i c i d a l — a l -

t h o u g h t h e l a c k o f self-love c a n l e a d t o s u i c i d e — b u t s i m p l y b e -
c a u s e h e was n o t a b l e t o c o n v i n c e h i m s e l f t h a t h i s little
V o l k s w a g e n was c a r r y i n g e x t r e m e l y v a l u a b l e c a r g o .
A n o t h e r e x a m p l e involves a w o m a n I b e g a n t r e a t i n g
s h o r t l y after The Road Less Traveled was p u b l i s h e d . S h e h a d to
travel f r o m c e n t r a l N e w J e r s e y t o w h e r e I lived i n C o n n e c t i c u t .
S h e was a w o m a n w h o h a d s p e n t all o f h e r life i n t h e C h r i s t i a n
church; she h a d b e e n raised in the c h u r c h a n d h a d even mar-
r i e d a c l e r g y m a n . W e w o r k e d t o g e t h e r o n c e a w e e k f o r t h e first
y e a r a n d g o t a b s o l u t e l y n o w h e r e , m a d e n o p r o g r e s s a t all. A n d
t h e n o n e d a y s h e o p e n e d t h e s e s s i o n b y saying, ' Y o u k n o w , d r i -
v i n g u p h e r e this m o r n i n g , I s u d d e n l y r e a l i z e d t h a t w h a t i s m o s t
i m p o r t a n t is t h e d e v e l o p m e n t of my own soul." I b r o k e o u t in a
r o a r o f j o y f u l l a u g h t e r a t t h e fact t h a t s h e h a d finally g o t t e n it,
b u t also l a u g h t e r a t t h e i r o n y o f t h e fact t h a t I h a d a s s u m e d t h a t
this w o m a n — w h o h a d c o m e t o s e e m e b e c a u s e s h e l i k e d m y
b o o k , w h o was willing t o m a k e a s i x - h o u r r o u n d t r i p o n c e a
w e e k t o s e e m e , a n d w h o h a d s p e n t t h e e n t i r e t y o f h e r life i n t h e
c h u r c h — a l r e a d y k n e w t h a t w h a t was m o s t i m p o r t a n t was t h e
d e v e l o p m e n t of h e r own soul. B u t she d i d n ' t , a n d I suspect
m a n y fail t o identify h o w c e n t r a l this i s t o t h e i r lives. O n c e s h e
r e a l i z e d it, h o w e v e r , h e r p r o g r e s s i n t h e r a p y was like l i g h t n i n g .
I f w e v a l u e o u r s e l v e s , w e a r e likely t o b e l i e v e t h a t w e a r e
w o r t h w h a t e v e r effort w e n e e d t o m a k e f o r o u r s e l v e s . T h e d e c i -
sion to go into therapy to get unstuck a n d h e l p our progress, or
t o t a k e t h e t i m e t o p r a c t i c e safety i n c e r t a i n s i t u a t i o n s t h a t a r e
within o u r control—these are a m o n g the measures of w h e t h e r
we t r u l y v a l u e o u r s e l v e s . A n d , as I w r o t e in The Road Less Trav-
eled, t h e p r i m a r y d e t e r m i n a n t o f w h e t h e r w e c o n s i d e r o u r s e l v e s
valuable a n d i m p o r t a n t is w h e t h e r o u r parents treated us as if
w e w e r e truly valuable a n d i m p o r t a n t . This d e t e r m i n e s s o m u c h
of how we regard ourselves from t h e n on, because those y o u n g
a n d impressionable years are crucial to o u r sense of worth.
N o n e t h e l e s s , e i g h t e e n y e a r s after w r i t i n g t h a t b o o k , I b e -
lieve I was u n d u l y p e s s i m i s t i c w h e n I d e s c r i b e d t h e p r o b l e m o f
s o m e o n e w h o e n t e r s a d u l t h o o d w i t h a d e e p - s e a t e d l a c k o f self-
v a l u e . I h a d s a i d it was c l o s e to i m p o s s i b l e f o r s u c h a p e r s o n e v e r
to develop a healthy sense of worth. But I n o w k n o w t h e r e are
a t l e a s t two ways t h a t a s i g n i f i c a n t n u m b e r w h o n e v e r l e a r n e d t o
v a l u e t h e m s e l v e s w h e n t h e y w e r e c h i l d r e n c a n l e a r n t o d o so.
O n e is long-term psychotherapy, d u r i n g which the therapist
can, a n d often does, b e c o m e a substitute p a r e n t of sorts a n d
heals by persistently d e m o n s t r a t i n g h e r or his sense of t h e pa-
tient's value. Certainly t h e most c o m m o n response I have re-
ceived from my own patients at the conclusion of a lengthy
c o u r s e o f p s y c h o t h e r a p y — w h e n s u c c e s s f u l — w a s ' Y o u k n o w , Dr.
P e c k , y o u t r e a t e d m e a s i f I was m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n I t h o u g h t
I was."
T h e r e i s a l s o a n o t h e r way: s o m e t i m e s G o d a c t u a l l y s e e m s
t o d i r e c t l y i n t e r v e n e i n p e o p l e ' s lives t o give t h e m a m e s s a g e o f
t h e i r v a l u e . B e c a u s e o f t h e p o w e r o f s u c h a n e x p e r i e n c e , its
b e n e f i c i a r i e s r e m a i n p u z z l e d a n d a w e d b y it. A l t h o u g h a p p r e -
ciative a n d h u m b l e d , t h e y o f t e n c o n t i n u e t o ask, " W h y m e ? "
y e a r s after t h e fact, b e c a u s e t h e y still w o n d e r w h a t t h e y h a d
d o n e to deserve such a blessing. It is i n d e e d an e x p e r i e n c e of
o v e r w h e l m i n g grace w h e n o n e w h o for very l o n g has d e v a l u e d
himself is g r a n t e d a divine revelation that he d o e s i n d e e d mat-
t e r a f t e r all.
A l t h o u g h I have n o t described such events in my works of
nonfiction, I have f o r m e r patients a n d friends w h o have re-
c a l l e d s u c h r a d i c a l c h a n g e s i n t h e i r s e n s e o f self-worth. S o m e -
times these revelations o c c u r r e d in the context of a h o r r e n d o u s
life e x p e r i e n c e , a n d f o r s o m e — l i k e a w o m a n w h o d e c i d e d s h e
v a l u e d h e r s e l f e n o u g h t o l e a v e a physically a b u s i v e r e l a t i o n -
s h i p — w h e n t h e i r very lives w e r e a t risk. I h a v e w r i t t e n a b o u t
s u c h e v e n t s in b o t h my n o v e l s . In A Bed by the Window, M r s . Si-
m o n t o n , a sixty-year-old n u r s i n g h o m e a d m i n i s t r a t o r , r e c e i v e s
j u s t such a l e a r n i n g message. As does Tish in purgatory, as de-
s c r i b e d in In Heaven as on Earth. W h i l e b o t h a c c o u n t s a r e fic-
t i o n a l , t h e y r e f l e c t t h e reality o f a c t u a l p e o p l e w h o m I h a v e m e t
a n d w h o have told me of such experiences.
NARCISSISM, DEATH, AND THE LEARNING OF DYING
O u r i n b o r n narcissism is an extraordinarily c o m p l e x p h e n o m e -
n o n , because s o m e of it is necessary as the psychological side of
o u r survival i n s t i n c t . B u t u n b r i d l e d n a r c i s s i s m i s t h e p r i n c i p a l
p r e c u r s o r o f p s y c h o s p i r i t u a l illness. T h e h e a l t h y s p i r i t u a l life
consists of progressively growing o u t of narcissism. T h e failure
to grow o u t of narcissism, a l t h o u g h e x t r e m e l y c o m m o n , is also
extremely destructive.
T h e prospect of our death a n d the process of our dying
physically c a n b e o n e o f t h e g r e a t e s t s t i m u l i t o s u c h h e a l t h y
growth. They may even be the greatest such stimulus. W h e n
p s y c h i a t r i s t s t a l k a b o u t i n j u r i e s t o p r i d e , w e call t h e m narcissis-
t i c i n j u r i e s . A n d o n a n y scale o f narcissistic i n j u r i e s , d e a t h i s t h e
u l t i m a t e . We suffer little narcissistic i n j u r i e s all t h e t i m e : a class-
m a t e calls u s s t u p i d , f o r e x a m p l e ; w e ' r e t h e last t o b e c h o s e n f o r
s o m e o n e ' s volleyball t e a m ; c o l l e g e s t u r n u s d o w n ; e m p l o y e r s
criticize u s ; w e g e t f i r e d ; o u r c h i l d r e n r e j e c t u s . A s a r e s u l t o f
t h e s e narcissistic i n j u r i e s , w e e i t h e r b e c o m e e m b i t t e r e d o r w e
g r o w . B u t d e a t h i s t h e b i g o n e . N o t h i n g t h r e a t e n s o u r narcissis-
t i c a t t a c h m e n t t o o u r s e l v e s a n d o u r self-conceit m o r e t h a n o u r
i m p e n d i n g obliteration.
S o i t i s u t t e r l y n a t u r a l t h a t w e s h o u l d f e a r d e a t h a n d every-
t h i n g t h a t b e g i n s t o b e c o m e a r e m i n d e r o f d e a t h . T h e r e a r e two
ways t o d e a l w i t h t h a t fear: t h e c o m m o n way a n d t h e s m a r t way.
T h e c o m m o n way i s t o p u t i t o u t o f o u r m i n d , l i m i t o u r a w a r e -
n e s s o f it, t r y n o t t o t h i n k a b o u t it. T h e s m a r t way i s t o face
d e a t h as early as possible. In d o i n g so, we c a n realize s o m e t h i n g
really r a t h e r s i m p l e . T h a t is, i n s o f a r a s w e c a n o v e r c o m e o u r
narcissism we c a n o v e r c o m e o u r fear of d e a t h . For p e o p l e w h o
l e a r n t o d o this, t h e p r o s p e c t o f d e a t h b e c o m e s a m a g n i f i c e n t
stimulus for t h e i r psychological a n d spiritual growth. "Since I
a m g o i n g t o d i e anyway," t h e y t h i n k , " w h a t ' s t h e p o i n t o f p r e -
s e r v i n g this a t t a c h m e n t I h a v e t o m y silly o l d self?" A n d s o t h e y
s e t f o r t h o n a j o u r n e y t o w a r d selflessness.
I t i s n o t a n easy j o u r n e y , b u t w h a t a w o r t h w h i l e j o u r n e y i t is.
Because the further we p r o c e e d in d i m i n i s h i n g o u r narcissism,
o u r self-centeredness a n d sense of self-importance, the m o r e

w e d i s c o v e r o u r s e l v e s b e c o m i n g n o t o n l y less fearful o f d e a t h
b u t also less fearful o f life. A n d this i s t h e basis f o r l e a r n i n g t o
b e c o m e m o r e loving. N o l o n g e r b u r d e n e d b y t h e n e e d t o con-
s t a n t l y p r o t e c t a n d d e f e n d o u r s e l v e s , w e a r e a b l e t o lift o u r eyes
off o u r s e l v e s a n d t r u l y r e c o g n i z e o t h e r s . A n d w e b e g i n t o e x p e -
rience a sustained, underlying sense of happiness that we have
never e x p e r i e n c e d before as we b e c o m e progressively m o r e
self-forgetful a n d h e n c e m o r e a b l e t o r e m e m b e r G o d a n d n o -
tice H e r i n t h e d e t a i l s o f life.
A g a i n a n d a g a i n all o f t h e g r e a t r e l i g i o n s tell u s t h a t t h e
p a t h away f r o m n a r c i s s i s m i s t h e p a t h t o w a r d m e a n i n g i n life.
A n d this i s t h e i r c e n t r a l m e s s a g e : L e a r n h o w t o d i e . B u d d h i s t s
a n d H i n d u s s p e a k o f this i n t e r m s o f t h e n e c e s s i t y f o r self-
d e t a c h m e n t ; i n d e e d , f o r t h e m e v e n t h e n o t i o n o f t h e self i s a n
i l l u s i o n . J e s u s s p o k e o f i t i n s i m i l a r t e r m s : " W h o s o e v e r will save
h i s life [ t h a t is, w h o s o e v e r will h o l d o n t o h i s n a r c i s s i s m ] s h a l l
l o s e it: a n d w h o s o e v e r will l o s e h i s life f o r m y s a k e shall f i n d it."
In h e r classic On Death and Dying, E l i s a b e t h K ü b l e r - R o s s
was t h e f i r s t scientific p e r s o n w h o e v e r d a r e d t o ask p e o p l e w h a t
they were e x p e r i e n c i n g as they faced t h e i r physical d e a t h . Do-
i n g so, s h e d i s c e r n e d t h a t f i v e e m o t i o n a l s t a g e s a r e i n v o l v e d i n
the process of dying. A n d she f o u n d that p e o p l e w e n t t h r o u g h
t h e s e s t a g e s i n this o r d e r : d e n i a l , a n g e r , b a r g a i n i n g , d e p r e s -
sion, a n d finally acceptance.
I n t h e f i r s t s t a g e , d e n i a l , t h e y m i g h t say, " T h e l a b m u s t h a v e
g o t t e n m y tests m i x e d u p w i t h s o m e b o d y else's. I t c a n ' t b e m e ,
i t c a n ' t b e h a p p e n i n g t o m e . " B u t d e n y i n g d o e s n ' t w o r k for very
long. So they get angry. T h e y get angry at t h e doctors, angry at
t h e n u r s e s , a n g r y a t t h e h o s p i t a l , a n g r y a t t h e i r relatives, a n g r y
at G o d . W h e n a n g e r d o e s n ' t get t h e m anywhere, they start to
b a r g a i n . T h e y say, " M a y b e i f I g o b a c k t o c h u r c h a n d s t a r t pray-
i n g a g a i n , m y c a n c e r will g o away." O r , " M a y b e i f I s t a r t b e i n g
n i c e r t o m y c h i l d r e n f o r a c h a n g e , m y k i d n e y s will i m p r o v e . "
A n d w h e n that d o e s n ' t get results, they b e g i n to realize t h e j i g
i s u p a n d t h e y ' r e really g o i n g t o d i e . A t t h a t p o i n t , t h e y b e c o m e
depressed.
I f t h e y c a n h a n g i n t h e r e a n d d o w h a t w e t h e r a p i s t s call t h e
work of depression, they can e m e r g e at the other e n d a n d enter
t h e fifth s t a g e , a c c e p t a n c e . T h i s i s a s t a g e o f g r e a t s p i r i t u a l c a l m
a n d t r a n q u i l l i t y , a n d e v e n o f l i g h t for m a n y . P e o p l e w h o h a v e
a c c e p t e d d e a t h h a v e a l i g h t i n t h e m . It's a l m o s t a s i f t h e y h a d al-
ready died a n d were resurrected in some psychospiritual sense.
It's a b e a u t i f u l t h i n g t o s e e , b u t i t i s n o t v e r y c o m m o n . M o s t
p e o p l e d o n o t d i e i n t h i s s t a g e o f a c c e p t a n c e . T h e y d i e still
d e n y i n g , still a n g r y , still b a r g a i n i n g , o r still d e p r e s s e d . T h e r e a -
s o n i s t h a t t h e w o r k o f d e p r e s s i o n i s s o p a i n f u l a n d difficult t h a t
w h e n they hit it most p e o p l e retreat into denial or a n g e r or bar-
gaining.
T h e s e s t a g e s a r e n o t always g o n e t h r o u g h i n e x a c t l y t h e
way K ü b l e r - R o s s d e s c r i b e d , b u t t h e y a r e n o n e t h e l e s s n o t o n l y
generally applicable to the e m o t i o n a l pain that is involved in
d y i n g b u t g e n e r a l l y e q u a l l y valid ( a l t h o u g h s h e d i d n o t r e a l i z e
i t a t t h e t i m e ) t o all m a n n e r o f life's l e a r n i n g s w h e r e u n l e a r n i n g
is i n v o l v e d .
UNLEARNING AND FLEXIBILITY
I have written a b o u t an experience with my d a u g h t e r in which

s u c h u n l e a r n i n g was n e c e s s a r y f o r m y g r o w t h . O n e n i g h t I d e -
c i d e d to s p e n d s o m e free time b u i l d i n g a h a p p i e r a n d closer re-
l a t i o n s h i p w i t h m y d a u g h t e r , w h o was f o u r t e e n a t t h e t i m e . F o r
several weeks s h e h a d b e e n u r g i n g me to play chess with her, so
I suggested a g a m e a n d she eagerly accepted. We settled d o w n
t o a m o s t e v e n a n d c h a l l e n g i n g m a t c h . I t was a s c h o o l n i g h t ,
however, a n d at n i n e o'clock my d a u g h t e r asked if I could h u r r y
my moves because she n e e d e d to go to bed; she h a d to get up at
six i n t h e m o r n i n g . I k n e w h e r t o b e rigidly d i s c i p l i n e d i n h e r
sleeping habits, a n d it s e e m e d to me that she o u g h t to be able
t o give u p s o m e o f t h i s rigidity. I t o l d h e r , " C o m e o n , y o u c a n g o
t o b e d a little l a t e r f o r o n c e . Y o u s h o u l d n ' t s t a r t g a m e s t h a t y o u
c a n ' t finish. W e ' r e having fun."
W e p l a y e d o n for a n o t h e r f i f t e e n m i n u t e s , d u r i n g w h i c h
t i m e s h e b e c a m e visibly d i s c o m f i t e d . Finally, s h e p l e a d e d ,
"Please, Daddy, please h u r r y y o u r moves." "No, g o d d a m m i t , " I
r e p l i e d . " C h e s s is a s e r i o u s g a m e . If y o u ' r e g o i n g to p l a y it well,
y o u ' r e g o i n g t o play i t slowly. I f y o u d o n ' t w a n t t o p l a y i t seri-
ously, y o u m i g h t a s well n o t play i t a t all." A n d so, w i t h h e r feel-
ing miserable, w e c o n t i n u e d for a n o t h e r t e n m i n u t e s , until
s u d d e n l y my d a u g h t e r burst into tears, yelled that she con-
c e d e d t h e s t u p i d g a m e , a n d r a n w e e p i n g u p t h e stairs.
M y f i r s t r e a c t i o n was o n e o f d e n i a l . N o t h i n g was s e r i o u s l y
w r o n g . M y d a u g h t e r was j u s t i n a fragile m o o d . C e r t a i n l y , i t h a d
n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h m e . B u t t h a t d i d n ' t really w o r k . T h e fact o f
t h e m a t t e r was t h a t t h e e v e n i n g h a d t u r n e d o u t e x a c t l y o p p o s i t e
f r o m w h a t I h a d i n t e n d e d . S o m y n e x t r e a c t i o n was t o b e c o m e
angry. I b e c a m e a n g r y at my d a u g h t e r for h e r rigidity a n d t h e
fact t h a t she c o u l d n ' t give u p a little s l e e p t i m e t o w o r k o n o u r
r e l a t i o n s h i p a s well. I t was h e r fault. B u t t h a t d i d n ' t w o r k e i t h e r .
T h e fact is t h a t I, t o o , was r i g i d in my s l e e p i n g h a b i t s . So I
t h o u g h t I m i g h t r u n u p s t a i r s , k n o c k o n h e r d o o r , a n d say, " I ' m
sorry, h o n e y . P l e a s e forgive m e f o r b e i n g r i g i d . H a v e a g o o d
n i g h t ' s s l e e p . " Yet I h a d s o m e s e n s e a t this p o i n t t h a t I was b a r -
g a i n i n g . I t w o u l d b e a " c h e a p a p o l o g y . " Finally, i t b e g a n t o d a w n
on me that I h a d seriously goofed. I h a d started the e v e n i n g
w a n t i n g to have a h a p p y time with my daughter. Ninety m i n u t e s
later, s h e was i n t e a r s a n d s o a n g r y a t m e s h e c o u l d h a r d l y
speak. W h a t h a d g o n e wrong? I b e c a m e depressed.
F o r t u n a t e l y , a l b e i t r e l u c t a n t l y , I was a b l e t o h a n g i n t h e r e
a n d d o t h e w o r k o f d e p r e s s i o n . I b e g a n t o face t h e fact t h a t I
h a d b o t c h e d t h e e v e n i n g by allowing my desire to win a chess
g a m e b e c o m e m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n m y d e s i r e t o b u i l d a rela-
t i o n s h i p w i t h m y d a u g h t e r . I was d e p r e s s e d i n e a r n e s t t h e n .
H o w h a d I g o t t e n s o o u t o f b a l a n c e ? G r a d u a l l y I b e g a n t o ac-
c e p t t h a t m y d e s i r e t o w i n was t o o g r e a t a n d t h a t I n e e d e d t o
give u p s o m e o f this d e s i r e . Yet e v e n t h i s little g i v i n g u p s e e m e d
i m p o s s i b l e . All m y life m y d e s i r e t o w i n h a d s e r v e d m e i n g o o d
s t e a d , f o r I h a d w o n m a n y t h i n g s . H o w was i t p o s s i b l e t o p l a y
c h e s s w i t h o u t w a n t i n g t o win? I h a d n e v e r b e e n c o m f o r t a b l e d o -
ing things unenthusiastically. H o w c o u l d I conceivably play
c h e s s e n t h u s i a s t i c a l l y b u t n o t seriously? Yet s o m e h o w I h a d t o
c h a n g e , for I k n e w t h a t my competitiveness a n d my seriousness
w e r e p a r t o f a b e h a v i o r p a t t e r n t h a t was w o r k i n g a n d w o u l d
continue to work toward alienating my children from me. A n d
i f I was n o t a b l e t o m o d i f y this p a t t e r n , t h e r e w o u l d b e o t h e r
times of unnecessary tears a n d bitterness.
Since I have given up p a r t of my desire to win at g a m e s ,
t h a t little d e p r e s s i o n i s l o n g over. I killed t h e d e s i r e t o w i n a t
g a m e s w i t h m y d e s i r e t o w i n a t p a r e n t i n g . W h e n I was a c h i l d
m y d e s i r e t o w i n a t g a m e s s e r v e d m e well. A s a p a r e n t , I r e c o g -
n i z e d t h a t i t g o t i n m y way. I h a d t o give i t u p . I d o n o t miss it,
even t h o u g h I t h o u g h t I would.
M a t u r e m e n t a l h e a l t h d e m a n d s t h e ability t o b e flexible.
We must be able to continually strike—and restrike—a delicate
b a l a n c e a m o n g conflicting n e e d s , goals, duties, a n d responsi-
bilities. T h e e s s e n c e o f this d i s c i p l i n e o f b a l a n c i n g i s u n l e a r n -
i n g a n d "giving u p " s o m e t h i n g i n ourselves i n o r d e r t o c o n s i d e r
new information. While it may seem strange to choose stagna-
t i o n o v e r flexibility i n o r d e r t o a v o i d t h e p a i n o f g i v i n g u p p a r t s
o f t h e self, i t i s u n d e r s t a n d a b l e given t h e d e p t h o f e m o t i o n a l p a i n
t h a t m a y b e i n v o l v e d i n d o i n g s o . I n its m a j o r f o r m s , g i v i n g u p
i s t h e m o s t p a i n f u l o f h u m a n e x p e r i e n c e s . W h e n giving u p p a r t s
o f o u r s e l v e s e n t a i l s g i v i n g u p p e r s o n a l i t y traits, w e l l - e s t a b l i s h e d
a n d l e a r n e d patterns of behavior, ideologies, a n d even whole
lifestyles, t h e p a i n c a n b e e x c r u c i a t i n g . Yet t h e s e m a j o r f o r m s o f
g i v i n g u p a r e r e q u i r e d i f o n e i s t o travel very far o n t h e j o u r n e y
o f life t o w a r d e v e r - i n c r e a s i n g m a t u r i t y a n d s p i r i t u a l g r o w t h . A s
w i t h a n y g i v i n g u p , t h e b i g g e s t f e a r i s t h a t o n e will b e left totally
empty. This is t h e existential fear of n o t h i n g n e s s , of b e i n g n o t h -
i n g . B u t w h i l e a n y c h a n g e f r o m o n e way t o a n o t h e r r e p r e s e n t s
a d e a t h o f t h e o l d way, i t also m a k e s r o o m f o r t h e b i r t h o f a n e w
one.
I c a n n o t e m p h a s i z e h o w i m p o r t a n t these stages of dying
are to the process of unlearning a n d new learning. They are
r o u t i n e l y g o n e t h r o u g h n o t o n l y b y i n d i v i d u a l s b u t also b y g r o u p s
a n d even entire nations. Consider, for instance, t h e b e h a v i o r of
t h e U n i t e d States i n V i e t n a m . W h e n e v i d e n c e f i r s t b e g a n t o ac-
c u m u l a t e in 1963 a n d 1964 that o u r policies in V i e t n a m were
n o t w o r k i n g , w h a t was o u r n a t i o n ' s f i r s t r e a c t i o n ? D e n i a l . N o t h -
i n g was really w r o n g . All w e n e e d e d was a few m o r e S p e c i a l
F o r c e s t r o o p s a n d a few m o r e m i l l i o n s o f d o l l a r s . T h e n , i n 1 9 6 6
a n d 1967, as evidence c o n t i n u e d to a c c u m u l a t e t h a t o u r poli-
cies w e r e n o t w o r k i n g a n d o b v i o u s l y s e r i o u s l y flawed, w h a t was
the g o v e r n m e n t ' s reaction? Anger. T h e day of the body c o u n t
b e g a n . A n d M y Lai. A n d t o r t u r e . A n d b o m b i n g s u c h t h a t w e
were going to turn North Vietnam into an American parking
lot. B y 1 9 6 9 a n d 1 9 7 0 , w h e n t h e e v i d e n c e was n o w m a s s i v e t h a t
o u r p o l i c i e s i n V i e t n a m w e r e a f a i l u r e , o u r n e x t r e s p o n s e was t o
a t t e m p t t o " b a r g a i n " o u r way o u t o f V i e t n a m . W e selectively
stopped b o m b i n g h e r e as a carrot a n d started b o m b i n g there as
a stick, t h i n k i n g t h a t w e c o u l d s o m e h o w b r i n g N o r t h V i e t n a m
t o t h e n e g o t i a t i n g t a b l e . B u t i t c o n t i n u e d t o fail.
A l t h o u g h s o m e of us as individuals at the time w e n t t h r o u g h
a s i g n i f i c a n t d e p r e s s i o n o v e r t h e war, o u r g o v e r n m e n t l e d t h e
majority of A m e r i c a n s to believe that s o m e h o w we s u c c e e d e d in
b a r g a i n i n g o u r way o u t o f V i e t n a m . W e d i d n o t b a r g a i n o u r way
o u t o f V i e t n a m . W e w e r e d e f e a t e d . W e f l e d w i t h o v e r h a l f a mil-
l i o n m e n . B e c a u s e , a s a n a t i o n , w e g e n e r a l l y failed a t t h e t i m e
t o d o t h e w o r k o f d e p r e s s i o n i n v o l v e d i n t h i s t r a g e d y , t h e r e was
little e v i d e n c e t h a t w e l e a r n e d a n y l e s s o n a s a r e s u l t . O n l y r e -
cently, twenty-five y e a r s a f t e r t h e fact, d o e s i t l o o k a s i f w e m a y
have d o n e s o m e portion of the work of that depression a n d
c o m e to a m o d i c u m of humility in o u r international relations.
T o l e a r n s o m e t h i n g new, w e s o o f t e n h a v e t o e m p t y o u r -
selves o f t h e o l d . T h i s c a n b e b o t h a n i n d i v i d u a l a n d a g r o u p
p r o c e s s , a n d in The Different Drum I d e s c r i b e it in s o m e d e p t h as
"emptiness," o n e of t h e stages of c o m m u n i t y - m a k i n g . T h e r e , I
wrote that a g r o u p going t h r o u g h the stage of e m p t i n e s s — t h e
m o s t critical s t a g e o f its l e a r n i n g — s e e m s f o r all t h e w o r l d like
a n o r g a n i s m g o i n g t h r o u g h its d e a t h t h r o e s . T h i s p e r i o d c a n b e
excruciatingly painful. It is also t h e p e r i o d w h e n t h e g r o u p
c o m m i t s itself t o l e a r n i n g — w h i c h i s also t o c o m m i t itself t o u n -
learning that which is obstructive a n d o u t d a t e d a n d unwork-

able.
W h e n w e a r e g o i n g t h r o u g h p a i n individually o r collec-
tively, we o f t e n feel as if t h e p a i n will last forever. B u t in t h e cy-
cle o f life, t h e r e i s always o p p o r t u n i t y for r e n e w a l . H o p e i s t h e
f o u n d a t i o n o f t h e r e b i r t h i n g t h a t m a y follow d e a t h a n d c h a n g e .
S o w h e n i t i s w o r k e d t h r o u g h , t h e s t a g e o f d e p r e s s i o n i s in-
evitably f o l l o w e d b y t h e s t a g e o f a c c e p t a n c e . S o m e o n e i n a n a u -
dience once asked me w h e t h e r long-term marriages go t h r o u g h
t h e s e s t a g e s , a n d I said t h e y d o i n d e e d . Initially, a s d i f f e r e n c e s
b e t w e e n p a r t n e r s e m e r g e , o u r first t e n d e n c y i s t o try t o d e n y
t h o s e d i f f e r e n c e s a n d d e n y t h a t w e h a v e fallen o u t o f l o v e .
W h e n we can no l o n g e r d e n y that, we get angry at o u r spouse
for b e i n g different from us. W h e n t h a t eventually d o e s n ' t get us
a n y w h e r e a n d o u r s p o u s e d o e s n ' t c h a n g e , w e try t o b a r g a i n i n
s o m e m a n n e r o r a n o t h e r — " I ' l l c h a n g e i n this way i f y o u ' l l
c h a n g e i n t h a t way." W h e n t h a t d o e s n ' t w o r k , t h e n w e t e n d t o
b e c o m e d e p r e s s e d a n d t h e m a r r i a g e looks very doubtful.
B u t i f w e c a n h a n g i n t h e r e — o f t e n for a p e r i o d o f m a n y
y e a r s , a n d i n t h e case o f m y m a r r i a g e t o Lily i t was c l o s e t o
twenty years—we can finally learn h o w to accept o u r spouse a n d
c a n c o m e , a s Lily a n d I h a v e d o n e , t o a r e l a t i o n s h i p t h a t i s b e t -
t e r t h a n r o m a n t i c love a n d e v e n s e e m s t o p a r t a k e o f glory. B u t
m a n y p e o p l e s e e m to believe a m a r r i a g e that e x p e r i e n c e s these
s t a g e s i s n o t a g o o d o n e a t all, a s i f l o n g - t e r m r e l a t i o n s h i p s m u s t
b e totally s m o o t h sailing. I n fact, this i s o n e o f t h e p r i m a r y illu-
sions we m u s t o v e r c o m e . I am r e m i n d e d of a w o m a n w h o re-
m a r k e d , "Scotty, I very m u c h l i k e d In Search of Stones, b u t it was
s o sad." I w a s n ' t s u r e w h a t s h e m e a n t b y "sad," b u t I i m a g i n e
s h e t h o u g h t i t was s a d b e c a u s e s h e b e l i e v e d t h a t a m a r r i a g e
s h o u l d n ' t g o t h r o u g h all o f t h e d o w n e r s I w r o t e a b o u t t h e r e . Yet
I b e l i e v e t h a t In Search of Stones is u l t i m a t e l y a t r i u m p h a n t b o o k .
I n d e e d , d e s p i t e all t h e u p s a n d d o w n s — t h r o u g h t h e d e a t h o f il-
l u s i o n s a n d t h e r e b i r t h s o f t r u s t a n d a c c e p t a n c e — t h a t Lily a n d
I e x p e r i e n c e d , we have e m e r g e d with a greater d e g r e e of un-
derstanding t h a n either of us could have ever envisioned.
So t h e stage of dying is followed by t h e stage of rebirth,

w h i c h initially m a y b e a s p a i n f u l a s t h e d y i n g . I n C h a p t e r 1 , I r e -
counted how many of my patients went t h r o u g h a "therapeutic
d e p r e s s i o n " w h e n t h e o l d way was n o l o n g e r t e n a b l e a n d t h e
n e w ways s e e m e d i m p o s s i b l y difficult, w h e n t h e y c o u l d n o t g o
b a c k w a r d b u t w e r e u n w i l l i n g t o g o f o r w a r d b e c a u s e t h e n e w way
s e e m e d so i n c r e d i b l y risky. I d e s c r i b e t h i s risk in A Bed by the
Window, w h e r e , i n t h e c o u r s e o f t h e r a p y , H e a t h e r m a k e s t h e ter-
rifying d e c i s i o n t o f i n a l l y d i s c a r d h e r " o l d t a p e s " o r m a l a d a p t i v e
ways o f r e l a t i n g t o m e n a n d e x p e r i m e n t w i t h " n e w t a p e s . "
T h e s e two p r o c e s s e s a r e i n e x t r i c a b l e , b u t e x p e r i m e n t i n g w i t h a
n e w t a p e is j u s t as terrifying as d i s c a r d i n g an old o n e . A l t h o u g h
a n o l d t a p e m a y b e d e m o n s t r a t i v e l y ineffective, i t m a y still feel
c o m f o r t a b l e , f i t t i n g like a n o l d s h o e . T h e n e w t a p e — w h i c h m a y
r e q u i r e u s t o d o t h i n g s i n ways totally d i f f e r e n t f r o m t h o s e t h a t
w e r e initially c o m f o r t a b l e , a n d t h a t o u r p a r e n t s t a u g h t u s , a n d ,
i n d e e d , t h a t o u r w h o l e c u l t u r e h a s e n d o r s e d — m a y s e e m in-
credibly d a n g e r o u s .
B u t l e a r n i n g is an a d v e n t u r e . We m u s t have a taste for it to
s o m e e x t e n t , s i n c e all a d v e n t u r e i s g o i n g i n t o t h e u n k n o w n . I f
w e always k n o w e x a c t l y w h e r e w e ' r e g o i n g , h o w t o g e t t h e r e ,
a n d w h a t w e ' l l s e e o r e x p e r i e n c e a l o n g t h e way, i t i s n ' t a n a d -
v e n t u r e . I t i s h u m a n — a n d s m a r t — t o b e afraid o f t h e u n k n o w n ,
t o b e a t l e a s t a tiny b i t s c a r e d w h e n e m b a r k i n g o n a n a d v e n t u r e .
B u t i t i s o n l y f r o m a d v e n t u r e s t h a t w e l e a r n m u c h o f signifi-
cance, where we can be exposed to the new and unexpected.
LEARNING AS ADVENTURE
Entering psychotherapy is often o n e of the greatest adventures

in life. F o r o n e w o m a n I'll call T a m m y , it was a b o u t w i t h life-
threatening depression in h e r mid-twenties that compelled h e r
to seek help. T h e source of h e r depression a n d the dynamics of
h e r c a s e w e r e a classic e x a m p l e o f a n i n d i v i d u a l o p e r a t i n g u n -
d e r t h e i l l u s i o n o f p e r f e c t i o n i s m . F o r m u c h o f h e r y o u n g life,
T a m m y h a d u n k n o w i n g l y d e v e l o p e d self-imposed, unrealistic
s t a n d a r d s a n d t r i e d t o live u p t o e x a g g e r a t e d e x p e c t a t i o n s s h e
t h o u g h t others h a d of her.
T h e seeds of perfectionism h a d b e e n planted early—and
w e r e costly. A s i s typical o f m a n y s u c h p a t i e n t s , T a m m y h a d
g r o w n u p i n a n a l c o h o l i c family. A s a c h i l d , s h e was i n m a n y
ways f o r c e d t o t a k e o n a d u l t r e s p o n s i b i l i t i e s , b e c a u s e o f t h e
e m o t i o n a l a b s e n c e o f h e r m o t h e r , w h o was i n c a p a c i t a t e d b y d e -
p r e s s i o n a n d a s e r i o u s d r i n k i n g p r o b l e m , a n d b e c a u s e h e r fa-
t h e r was m o s t l y a b s e n t . I n t h e a t t e m p t t o rise t o t h e o c c a s i o n ,
s h e was r e q u i r e d t o h e l p r a i s e h e r y o u n g e r s i b l i n g s . T h i s m e a n t ,
o f c o u r s e , t h a t s h e d i d n ' t h a v e m u c h o f a life o f h e r o w n i n ele-
m e n t a r y school a n d h e r early h i g h school years. Given t h e con-
f u s i o n o f h o m e life, s c h o o l b e c a m e t h e p l a c e w h e r e T a m m y felt
m o s t c o m p e t e n t . I t was a l s o t h e o n e p l a c e s h e r e c e i v e d n u r t u r -
i n g a s t h e c h i l d s h e t r u l y was, r a t h e r t h a n b e i n g r e q u i r e d t o p r o -
vide it to others. This led to h e r excelling academically;
u l t i m a t e l y , s h e b e c a m e t h e f i r s t i n h e r family t o g r a d u a t e f r o m
college.
A l t h o u g h i t was a n u n s p o k e n a s s u m p t i o n , T a m m y i n t e r -
p r e t e d living u p t o a self-image t h a t e n t a i l e d p e r f e c t i o n i s m a s
r e q u i r i n g t h a t s h e " h a v e i t all t o g e t h e r . " I t s e e m e d t o h e r t h a t
h e r family's e x p e c t a t i o n was t h a t s h e n o t o n l y h a v e i t t o g e t h e r ,
b u t h a v e i t t o g e t h e r a t all t i m e s . I t was a n i n c r e d i b l y stressful
s t a n d a r d t o live u p to, a n d i n m a n y ways a n o p p r e s s i v e o n e .
D e e p w i t h i n , o n s o m e level, T a m m y k n e w s h e c o u l d n ' t p o s s i b l y
meet the standards of perfectionism. But in attempting to
m a i n t a i n this i l l u s i o n , s h e s i m u l t a n e o u s l y f o u n d i t difficult t o
a c k n o w l e d g e t h e reality o f h e r l i m i t a t i o n s . T h e p r e s s u r e , b o t h
e x t e r n a l a n d internal, eventually led n o t only to physical symp-
t o m s of distress b u t to t r e m e n d o u s anxiety over several years. At
o n e p o i n t T a m m y c o n t e m p l a t e d suicide, although she never
a c t e d o n it.
D u r i n g long-term therapy, she learned that the primary
s o u r c e o f h e r d e p r e s s i o n was h e r a t t e m p t t o live u p t o a stan-
d a r d t o o h i g h t o m e e t a n d h e r l a c k o f h e r o w n t r u e i d e n t i t y . Al-
t h o u g h o n t h e s u r f a c e s h e s e e m e d self-assured a n d i n d e p e n d e n t
t o m o s t w h o m e t h e r , h e r self-image h a d b e e n c e n t e r e d p r i m a r -
ily a r o u n d w h a t o t h e r p e o p l e t h o u g h t o r e x p e c t e d o f h e r .
Initially, m u c h o f T a m m y ' s c o n v e r s a t i o n d u r i n g t h e r a p y r e -
volved a r o u n d h e r p e r c e p t i o n of herself as a victim. S h e gave a
litany o f complaints a b o u t w h a t others h a d d o n e t o h e r o r n o t
d o n e for her. After a c o u p l e of m o n t h s g o i n g b a c k a n d forth
a b o u t this, s h e f i n a l l y b e g a n t o c o n s i d e r w h a t h e r o w n r o l e i n
h e r victimization h a d b e e n . In d o i n g so, she e x p e r i e n c e d a dra-
m a t i c t u r n i n g p o i n t . S h e r e a l i z e d s h e h a d a c h o i c e a f t e r all.
T h i s was a c c o m p a n i e d b y a d e c i s i o n t o a c k n o w l e d g e t h a t s h e
h a d some limitations, even if others wanted to continue placing
h e r o n a p e d e s t a l b e c a u s e s h e was t h e f i r s t i n h e r family t o g o t o
college. As she s t o p p e d talking so m u c h a b o u t "them" a n d
s t a r t e d o w n i n g h e r o w n f e e l i n g s , u s i n g " I " s t a t e m e n t s , s h e felt a
sense of personal power she h a d never known. O n c e , as h a r d as
i t was t o a d m i t , s h e said s h e r e a l i z e d t h a t a f o r m e r b o y f r i e n d
h a d taken advantage o f h e r kindness n o t simply a n d only be-
c a u s e h e was a j e r k , b u t a l s o i n l a r g e p a r t b e c a u s e s h e k e p t giv-
ing m u c h m o r e than she received in the relationship.
A s T a m m y g o t m o r e i n t o u c h w i t h t h e ways s h e h a d b e e n
s o c i a l i z e d s i n c e c h i l d h o o d t o t a k e o n t h e r o l e o f family r e s c u e r
a n d martyr, she b e c a m e clearer a b o u t h o w a s a n adult she h a d
c o n t i n u a l l y b a s e d h e r self-image o n t h i s r o l e . E v e n m o r e sur-
p r i s i n g — a n d h u m b l i n g — w a s h e r discovery that she s o m e w h a t
e n j o y e d t h e p s y c h o l o g i c a l payoff. I t e n h a n c e d h e r e g o t o b e t h e
family savior a n d t h e g i r l f r i e n d w h o t r i e d t o b e " g o o d " all t h e
t i m e . Still, t h e p r i c e s h e p a i d was t o o g r e a t .
I n h i n d s i g h t , T a m m y was a b l e t o d i s c e r n t h a t s h e h a d a t
l e a s t passively c o m p l i e d w i t h h e r o w n p r e d i c a m e n t . T h e n s h e
f a c e d t h e fact t h a t s h e h a d felt u s e d , a n d b e c a m e a n g r y a t h e r
family, f r i e n d s , a n d p r e v i o u s b o y f r i e n d s f o r t h e d e m a n d s t h e y
p l a c e d o n h e r . C o m p l i c a t i n g m a t t e r s , h o w e v e r , was t h e g u i l t s h e
felt a t t i m e s : a f t e r all, i t s e e m e d t h a t h e r p r o b l e m s w e r e i r r e l e -
vant a n d m i n o r in comparison to the p r o b l e m s of poverty a n d
p o o r e d u c a t i o n t h a t b e s e t m o s t i n h e r family. E v e n m o s t o f h e r
boyfriends up to that point h a d n o t achieved as m u c h as she
had.
As h e r process of healing c o n t i n u e d , T a m m y d e c i d e d to re-

d e f i n e w h a t e x p e c t a t i o n s s h e s h o u l d realistically h a v e f o r h e r -
self. " I c a m e t o t h e r e a l i z a t i o n t h a t m a k i n g m i s t a k e s o n l y m a d e
m e h u m a n , n o t a t o t a l d i s g r a c e . I've l e a r n e d t h a t n o t b e i n g p e r -
fect d o e s n ' t m e a n t h a t I a m totally i m p e r f e c t , e i t h e r . I t i s n o t a
b l a c k o r w h i t e m a t t e r , b u t h a s m a n y s h a d e s o f gray. I k n o w I c a n
b e o k a y e v e n w h e n I m a k e m i s t a k e s . I c a n still v a l u e myself,
s t r e n g t h s , w a r t s , a n d all," s h e said, t h e n c h u c k l e d .
A s h u m b l i n g a s t h e " b a d stuff" s h e l e a r n e d a b o u t h e r s e l f
was, i t was e q u a l l y u p l i f t i n g t o h e r — a n d s u r p r i s i n g — t o r e a l i z e
h e r r e a l s t r e n g t h s , t h e " g o o d stuff" s h e l e a r n e d i n t h e p r o c e s s
of therapy. For o n e thing, as she loosened the grip of perfec-
t i o n i s m , T a m m y b e c a m e less h a r s h a n d less strict a b o u t j u d g i n g
herself. S h e e x p e r i e n c e d a c a t h a r t i c m o m e n t w h e n , a s k e d d u r -
i n g t h e r a p y t o p i c t u r e h e r s e l f a s a c h i l d , s h e c r i e d w h e n s h e felt
e m p a t h y t o w a r d herself. S h e l e a r n e d t o give h e r s e l f c r e d i t f o r
h a v i n g s u r v i v e d a difficult c h i l d h o o d a n d f o r h a v i n g t h r i v e d i n
s p i t e of it.
An even greater b r e a k t h r o u g h c a m e as she realized that
t h e u n h e a l t h y n e e d o f p e r f e c t i o n i s m h a d g o t t e n i n t h e way o f
a d m i t t i n g h e r n e e d s for affection a n d s u p p o r t from o t h e r s .
" M a y b e i t h a s n ' t s i m p l y b e e n a m a t t e r o f m y f r i e n d s a n d family
n o t b e i n g willing t o h e l p m e . P e r h a p s I d i d n ' t a l l o w t h e m t o d o
s o s i n c e I s e e m e d t o h a v e i t all t o g e t h e r , " s h e said. S o s h e m a d e
a goal to practice assertiveness by asking for h e l p from o t h e r s
p e r i o d i c a l l y , a n d t o w o r k o n h e r difficulty w i t h r e c e i v i n g s i n c e
s h e h a d b e c o m e s o a c c u s t o m e d t o giving. S h e was e l a t e d t o r e -
p o r t t h a t o n e day, w h e n s o m e o n e t o l d h e r h e t h o u g h t s h e was
b o t h s m a r t a n d p r e t t y , s h e was a b l e t o r e s p o n d w i t h a g r a c i o u s
thank-you r a t h e r t h a n recite reasons to dismiss t h e compli-
ment.
A l t h o u g h s h e f i r s t e n t e r e d t h e r a p y w h e n s h e felt s h e h a d
n o o t h e r c h o i c e — " I was lost, I was b r o k e n , " s h e s a i d — T a m m y
f o u n d the process q u i t e rewarding, even spiritually renewing.
"As I b e c a m e c o n s c i o u s o f m y o w n l i m i t a t i o n s , I n o l o n g e r h e l d
h i g h e x p e c t a t i o n s f o r m e t o m e e t i n e v e r y a r e a o f life. N o w I ' m
m o r e likely t o give m y b e s t i n t h o s e t h i n g s t h a t a r e i m p o r t a n t t o
m e , a n d l e t o t h e r p e o p l e p u l l t h e i r o w n w e i g h t s o I w o n ' t feel
r e s p o n s i b l e f o r t h e w h o l e w o r l d , " s h e said. " W h e n I t h i n k a b o u t
it, h o w a r r o g a n t i t was o f m e t o t h i n k I h a d t o b e i n v o l v e d i n
e v e r y t h i n g f o r i t t o t u r n o u t r i g h t . N o w I've l e a r n e d t o sit i n t h e
b a c k g r o u n d m o r e a n d n o t feel I h a v e t o t a k e c a r e o f e v e r y t h i n g
a n d e v e r y b o d y . It's v e r y l i b e r a t i n g . In a very r e a l s e n s e , I feel I've
b e e n able to gradually restore my humanity, as o d d as that may
sound."
The Spirituality of Imperfection, by E r n e s t K u r t z a n d K a t h e r -
i n e K e t c h a m , s p e a k s d i r e c t l y t o t h e j o u r n e y o f t h o s e like T a m m y
w h o are recovering from perfectionism. Such individuals, in
facing t h e t r u t h o f t h e i r limitations, b e c o m e m o r e spiritually
aware—if they are o p e n to it—through the humility of c o m i n g
clean a n d getting real.
S o m e t i m e s it's h a r d t o d i s t i n g u i s h w h e t h e r i t i s c o u r a g e o r
desperation (the urgency that comes from hitting rock bottom)
that leads s o m e o n e to e m b a r k on the adventure of psychother-
apy. I a m r e m i n d e d o f s o m e t h i n g said b y t h e g r e a t e s t t e a c h e r I
know of next to Jesus: Jalal ad-Din ar-Rumi, a thirteenth-century
M u s l i m mystic. R u m i said: " O r g a n s evolve i n r e s p o n s e t o n e c e s -
sity. T h e r e f o r e , i n c r e a s e y o u r necessity." S o I b e l i e v e t h a t t h e ac-
c e p t a n c e o f n e c e s s i t y i s a n a c t o f c o u r a g e itself. T h u s , e v e n
w h e n necessity—or feeling desperate—seems the c o n s u m i n g
m o t i v a t i o n , i t still t a k e s c o u r a g e t o e n t e r t h e r a p y b e c a u s e i t i s
truly a s t e p i n t o t h e u n k n o w n . O n e i s e x p o s i n g o n e s e l f t o t h e
t h e r a p i s t a n d h a s n o i d e a w h a t c h a l l e n g e s o n e will r e c e i v e .
W h e n p e o p l e e n t e r therapy, o p e n i n g themselves to challenge,
they d o n o t k n o w what they a r e g o i n g t o l e a r n a b o u t t h e m -
selves, b u t t h e y a r e g e n e r a l l y c e r t a i n t h a t t h e y a r e g o i n g t o dis-
cover s o m e "bad things." In my e x p e r i e n c e with patients, j u s t as
it is true that in the course of therapy they learn unanticipated
" b a d t h i n g s , " t h e y also virtually always l e a r n u n a n t i c i p a t e d
"good things" about themselves.
O n e t h i n g t h a t n e v e r c e a s e s t o a m a z e m e i s h o w relatively
few p e o p l e u n d e r s t a n d w h a t c o u r a g e is. M o s t p e o p l e t h i n k i t i s
t h e a b s e n c e o f fear. T h e a b s e n c e o f f e a r i s n o t c o u r a g e ; t h e a b -
s e n c e o f f e a r i s s o m e k i n d o f b r a i n d a m a g e . C o u r a g e i s t h e ca-
p a c i t y t o g o a h e a d i n s p i t e o f fear, o r i n s p i t e o f p a i n . W h e n y o u
d o t h a t , y o u will f i n d t h a t o v e r c o m i n g t h e f e a r will n o t o n l y
m a k e y o u s t r o n g e r b u t will b e a b i g s t e p f o r w a r d t o w a r d m a t u -
rity.
W h e n I w r o t e The Road Less Traveled, I n e v e r g a v e a defini-
tion of maturity, b u t I did describe in the b o o k a n u m b e r of im-
m a t u r e people. It seems to me that what most characterizes
i m m a t u r e p e o p l e i s t h a t t h e y sit a r o u n d c o m p l a i n i n g t h a t life
doesn't m e e t their demands. On the other hand, what charac-
t e r i z e s t h o s e r e l a t i v e few w h o a r e fully m a t u r e i s t h a t t h e y r e -
gard it as their responsibility—even as an opportunity—to m e e t
life's d e m a n d s . I n d e e d , w h e n w e r e a l i z e t h a t e v e r y t h i n g t h a t
h a p p e n s to us has b e e n designed to teach us what we n e e d to
k n o w o n o u r j o u r n e y o f life, w e b e g i n t o s e e life f r o m a n e n -
tirely d i f f e r e n t p e r s p e c t i v e .
A u n i q u e — a n d m a t u r e — p e r s p e c t i v e is d e f i n i t e l y n e c e s -
sary for f a c i n g life's u l t i m a t e a d v e n t u r e . T h e r e i s o n l y o n e a d -
venture I know of greater t h a n that of entering serious
psychotherapy: the final adventure of death. No matter what
o u r b e l i e f system, w e d o n o t k n o w f o r c e r t a i n w h e r e o r h o w w e
shall f i n d o u r s e l v e s w h e n t h e a d v e n t u r e o f d e a t h i s c o m p l e t e d .
W h a t a g o i n g i n t o t h e u n k n o w n i t is!
S i n c e d e a t h a n d d y i n g m a k e u p t h e g r e a t e s t o f all life's a d -
v e n t u r e s , i t i s n o a c c i d e n t t h a t this t i m e i s n o t o n l y o u r f i n a l
o p p o r t u n i t y for l e a r n i n g b u t o u r g r e a t e s t o n e . A s a p s y c h o t h e r -
apist, I h a v e f o u n d t h a t m y m o s t fulfilling o p p o r t u n i t y h a s b e e n
w o r k i n g with dying patients. This may s e e m paradoxical until it
i s r e a l i z e d t h a t t h o s e w h o a r e clearly d y i n g m a y b e a w a r e t h a t
t h e y d o n o t h a v e m u c h t i m e left. I say " m a y " b e c a u s e t h e a w a r e -
n e s s is a c h o i c e . As I h a v e a l r e a d y i n d i c a t e d , m o s t c h o o s e to
d e n y t h e i r d y i n g , a n d h e n c e d e n y t h e m s e l v e s t h e l e a r n i n g in-
volved. But w h e n they c h o o s e to a c c e p t t h a t they a r e d y i n g —
t h a t t h e y h a v e v e r y little t i m e l e f t — t h e y m a y m a k e t h e m o s t
e x t r a o r d i n a r y l e a p s o f g r o w t h w i t h i n t h e i r f i n a l days o r w e e k s
o n e a r t h . W e h a v e all h e a r d tales n o t o n l y o f d e a t h b e d c o n f e s -
s i o n s a n d c o n v e r s i o n s , b u t also o f d r a m a t i c r e p e n t a n c e , for-
g i v e n e s s , a n d r e c o n c i l i a t i o n . W e h e a r t h e s e tales b e c a u s e t h e y
a r e t r u e . D y i n g m a y b e t h e t i m e o f o u r g r e a t e s t glory.
I n d e e d , this s u b j e c t is so i m p o r t a n t t h a t I will r e t u r n to it in
t h e n e x t c h a p t e r , " P e r s o n a l Life C h o i c e s . " L e t i t s i m p l y b e s a i d
h e r e t h a t t h e c h o i c e t o d i e well c a n b e m a d e o n l y b y t h o s e w h o
h a v e m a d e t h e c h o i c e f o r l e a r n i n g , w h o h a v e d e v e l o p e d t h e at-
titude that l e a r n i n g is c e n t r a l — e v e n as essential as s h e l t e r — t o
living. C h o o s i n g t o d i e well i s a n i n h e r e n t p a r t o f c h o o s i n g t o
l e a r n h o w t o live well.
VALUES AND LEARNING CHOICES
T h r e e factors play central roles in o u r l e a r n i n g : attitude, tem-

p e r a m e n t , a n d values. A l t h o u g h interrelated, insofar as they
can be separated, each is a valuable a n d separate c o m p o n e n t in
l e a r n i n g i n a n d o f itself.
Because attitude is one's acquired disposition or general
a p p r o a c h t o v i e w i n g t h i n g s , i t u n d o u b t e d l y affects o n e ' s ability
t o l e a r n . A n a t h e i s t h a s a n " a t t i t u d e " a b o u t r e l i g i o n t h a t will af-
fect h i s p e r c e p t i o n o f t h i n g s . A n a l c o h o l i c m a n w h o i s s u p e r f i -
cially r e l i g i o u s m a y still h a v e a n e g a t i v e a t t i t u d e t o w a r d AA in
g e n e r a l b e c a u s e t h e n o t i o n "to b e c o m e powerless" is a n a t h e m a
to h i m .
To what extent an attitude is learned or inborn is h a r d to
d e t e r m i n e , b u t t h e r e is reason to believe that m u c h of it is nur-
tured by o u r environment. Everybody has an "attitude" prob-
l e m i n t h o s e a r e a s w h e r e h e d o e s n ' t t h i n k well o r i s m o s t l y
negative. We t e n d to learn better in areas where we have a pos-
itive a t t i t u d e . F o r e x a m p l e , t h e m o r e f r i g h t e n e d y o u a r e — i f y o u
feel y o u ' r e always h a v i n g t o d e f e n d o r p r o t e c t y o u r s e l f — t h e less
likely y o u a r e t o b e o p e n t o l e a r n i n g a b o u t a p a r t i c u l a r s u b j e c t
or experience. Thus, part of learning is b e c o m i n g conscious of
o u r attitudes a n d calling t h e m into question. Of course, we
c a n ' t d o this all t h e t i m e . B u t j u s t a s a p a t i e n t will s e t a s i d e t i m e

f o r t h e r a p y , w e c a n set a s i d e t i m e t o q u e s t i o n a n d t h i n k a b o u t
o u r o w n a t t i t u d e s w i t h i m p u n i t y i n a n a t m o s p h e r e o f safety.
T e m p e r a m e n t refers to t h e biological p a r t of o u r personal-
ity. It's i n o u r g e n e s . T h a t ' s why, e v e n w h e n c h i l d r e n a r e v e r y
y o u n g , p a r e n t s a n d o t h e r s w h o s p e n d a great deal of time with
t h e m c a n m a k e fairly a c c u r a t e a s s e s s m e n t s a n d p r e d i c t i o n s
a b o u t h o w a n i n d i v i d u a l c h i l d m a y r e s p o n d t o c e r t a i n situa-
tions. W h e t h e r t e m p e r a m e n t s are irretrievably established by a
certain age or set in stone at birth is a m a t t e r of d e b a t e .
Values are those qualities we d e e m i m p o r t a n t . A n d those
t h a t w e d e e m m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n o t h e r s affect t h e c h o i c e s w e
m a k e a n d t h e o p t i o n s w e p e r c e i v e i n life. S i n c e w e c a n n o t l e a r n
everything t h e r e is to know, we are faced with t h e o n g o i n g
p r o b l e m of m a k i n g choices based primarily on what we value
t h e m o s t . C o n s e q u e n t l y , t h r o u g h o u t life w e m u s t m a k e c h o i c e s
about what we are going to learn—if we have m a d e the decision
t o l e a r n a t all. A s t h e Sufi M u s l i m I d r i e s S h a h s a i d ( a n d I p a r a -
p h r a s e h i m ) , "It i s n o t e n o u g h t o study. First o n e m u s t d e t e r -
m i n e w h a t t o s t u d y a n d w h a t n o t t o study. W h e n t o s t u d y a n d
w h e n n o t t o study. A n d w h o t o s t u d y w i t h a n d w h o n o t t o s t u d y
under."
This applies n o t only to focused, academic learning b u t
also t o life e x p e r i e n c e s a n d t o c h o i c e s a b o u t w h a t t o give o u r
t i m e a n d a t t e n t i o n t o . I n p a r t , I d r i e s S h a h was r e f e r r i n g t o a
matter of priorities, a n d n o w h e r e do I s p e n d m o r e of my prayer
time t h a n trying to sort o u t my priorities. S o m e of those priori-
ties h a v e t o d o w i t h w h a t t o s t u d y a n d w h a t n o t t o study. B u t
probably my most important choice has b e e n that of discerning
my values. For instance, t h e value of integrity has c o m e to be
very h i g h on my list of p r i o r i t i e s . F r o m The Road Less Traveled, it
c a n b e d i s c e r n e d t h a t a n o t h e r two o f m y p r i m a r y v a l u e s a r e
d e d i c a t i o n t o reality o r t r u t h a n d t h e a c c e p t a n c e o f a p p r o p r i a t e
responsibility. C r i t i c a l t o this issue o f a c c e p t i n g r e s p o n s i b i l i t y
has b e e n t h e decision to a c c e p t t h e pain involved in learning.
T h e d e d i c a t i o n t o t r u t h i s o n e p a r t o f m y b e i n g a scientist.
W h a t w e call t h e scientific m e t h o d i s n o t h i n g m o r e t h a n a s e r i e s
of conventions a n d p r o c e d u r e s that we have a d o p t e d over t h e

c e n t u r i e s i n o r d e r t o c o m b a t o u r very h u m a n t e n d e n c y t o w a n t
t o d e c e i v e o u r s e l v e s . W e p r a c t i c e this m e t h o d o u t o f a d e d i c a -
tion to s o m e t h i n g h i g h e r t h a n o u r i m m e d i a t e intellectual or
emotional comfort: namely, the truth. Science, therefore, is an
activity s u b m i t t e d t o a h i g h e r p o w e r ( e x c e p t , o f c o u r s e , i n t h o s e
i n s t a n c e s w h e n t h e e g o s o f scientists g e t i n t h e way o f t h e i r
search for t r u t h ) . Since I believe G o d is t h e e p i t o m e of o u r
h i g h e r p o w e r — G o d i s l i g h t , G o d i s love, G o d i s t r u t h — a n y -
t h i n g t h a t s e e k s t h e s e v a l u e s i s holy. T h u s , w h i l e i t c a n n o t a n -
swer all q u e s t i o n s , s c i e n c e , in its p r o p e r p l a c e , is a v e r y h o l y
activity.
H u n t e r Lewis's b o o k A Question of Values d e m o n s t r a t e s t h a t
p e o p l e have quite different p r i m a r y values u p o n which they
base their decisions a n d t h r o u g h which they interpret the
w o r l d . H e lists t h o s e v a l u e s a s e x p e r i e n c e , s c i e n c e , r e a s o n , a u -
thority, a n d i n t u i t i o n . Lewis i s u n c l e a r a b o u t w h e n w e m a k e o u r
c h o i c e of a p r i m a r y v a l u e . P e r h a p s it is n o t a c h o i c e at all b u t is
s o m e t h i n g genetic. In any case, if it is a choice, it s e e m s to be
m a d e b o t h u n c o n s c i o u s l y a n d passively, d u r i n g c h i l d h o o d . Nev-
ertheless, we have it within o u r power d u r i n g a d u l t h o o d to con-
tinually reassess o u r values a n d priorities.
As an empiricist, I primarily value e x p e r i e n c e as t h e best
r o u t e t o k n o w l e d g e a n d u n d e r s t a n d i n g . B u t Lewis g o e s o n t o
talk a b o u t " h y b r i d v a l u e systems," a n d h e r e , t o m e , i s t h e i m -
p o r t a n c e of his book. If we can b e c o m e aware of o u r p r i m a r y
values, t h e n , in a d u l t h o o d , we can deliberately go a b o u t n u r -
t u r i n g o t h e r values. F o r instance, t h e "authority of t h e Scrip-
t u r e s " was n o t a g r e a t v a l u e f o r m e d u r i n g m y c h i l d h o o d . E v e n
today, I d o n o t c o n s i d e r t h e S c r i p t u r e s t o b e " p e r f e c t " i n t h e i r
authority, b u t I delight in studying t h e m , learning t h e m , a n d
p u t t i n g t h e m t o u s e . I t i s also i n a d u l t h o o d t h a t I h a v e d e l i b e r -
ately c h o s e n t o l e a r n f r o m Lily h e r i n t u i t i v e skills, w h i c h I d i d
n o t p o s s e s s w h e n I was y o u n g e r . J u s t a s I e x t o l l e d u s i n g b o t h t h e
r i g h t b r a i n a n d t h e left b r a i n , s i n c e t h e r e i s m o r e t h a n o n e way
that we can learn, so I extoll using multiple values by develop-
i n g a s c o m p l e x a h y b r i d v a l u e system a s p o s s i b l e .
So we are back to the subject of integrity a n d wholeness.

Unlike children, adults can practice integrity by conscious
choice. Some people find they're good at learning information
o r c o n t e n t skills ( w h i c h t e n d s t o b e a m a s c u l i n e i n c l i n a t i o n )
a n d o t h e r s feel m o r e a d e p t a t r e l a t i o n a l skills ( w h i c h t e n d s t o
be a feminine inclination). W h e n we're good at one thing and
n o t s o g o o d a t a n o t h e r , w e t e n d t o a v o i d t h e o n e t h a t i s difficult,
or to neglect aspects of ourselves that we find u n c o m f o r t a b l e
because they are unfamiliar or seem threatening. Many m e n
t e n d t o r u n from their f e m i n i n e side, a n d m a n y w o m e n t e n d t o
avoid exercising their masculine qualities.
In learning wholeness, we must be o p e n to androgyny, to
encompassing both feminine and masculine components. We
are called to be whole people. T h e words "health," "wholeness,"
a n d " h o l i n e s s " all h a v e t h e s a m e r o o t . I t i s b o t h o u r p s y c h o l o g i -
cal a n d o u r s p i r i t u a l t a s k — p a r t i c u l a r l y d u r i n g t h e s e c o n d h a l f
o f o u r l i f e — t o w o r k t o w a r d t h e fullest e x p r e s s i o n o f o u r p o t e n -
tial a s h u m a n b e i n g s , t o b e c o m e t h e b e s t t h a t w e c a n b e . Be-
c o m i n g w h o l e involves u s i n g o u r l a t e n t t a l e n t s , w h i c h c a n b e
l e a r n e d or d e v e l o p e d , b u t usually only with a great deal of prac-
tice a n d o f t e n o n l y w i t h t h e m a t u r i t y r e q u i r e d f o r t h e h u m i l i t y
t o work o n o u r weak sides.
I have told t h e story of my l e a r n i n g e x p e r i e n c e as a t e n n i s
player. I h a d b e c o m e q u i t e a d e c e n t t e n n i s p l a y e r b y e a r l y a d o -
lescence. I h a d a reasonably g o o d serve, a n d while my b a c k h a n d
was very w e a k , I h a d a n e x t r a o r d i n a r i l y p o w e r f u l f o r e h a n d .
W h a t I d i d , t h e n , was d e v e l o p a p a t t e r n o f " r u n n i n g a r o u n d "
m y b a c k h a n d . I w o u l d s t a n d t o t h e left o f t h e c o u r t a n d t a k e
every p o s s i b l e s h o t I c o u l d w i t h m y f o r e h a n d . I n this f a s h i o n I
was a b l e t o w i p e 9 5 p e r c e n t o f m y o p p o n e n t s off t h e c o u r t . T h e
o n l y p r o b l e m was t h e o t h e r 5 p e r c e n t . T h e y w o u l d i m m e d i a t e l y
r e a l i z e m y w e a k n e s s a n d h i t t o m y b a c k h a n d , p u l l i n g m e far-
t h e r a n d f a r t h e r t o t h e left, t h e n h i t c r o s s - c o u r t o u t o f r e a c h o f
m y f o r e h a n d a n d w i p e m e off t h e c o u r t . A t t h e a g e o f thirty-two,
I r e a l i z e d t h a t if I was e v e r g o i n g to fulfill my p o t e n t i a l as a t e n -
n i s p l a y e r — t o b e t h e b e s t t h a t I c o u l d b e i n t h e g a m e — I was g o -
i n g t o h a v e t o w o r k o n m y b a c k h a n d . I t was a h u m b l i n g b u s i n e s s .
T H E ROAD LESS TRAWLED AND BEYOND 133
It m e a n t that I had to do what had become profoundly unnat-

ural: stand to the right of the center of the baseline a n d take
every possible s h o t I c o u l d on my b a c k h a n d . It m e a n t losing re-
peatedly to inferior players. A n d it m e a n t t h a t o n l o o k e r s w h o
h a d c o m e d o w n t o t h e c o u r t s t o s e e m e play t e n n i s w a t c h e d m e
h i t balls two c o u r t s d o w n , o v e r t h e f e n c e , o r d r i b b l e t h e m i n t o
the net. But within three m o n t h s I h a d a decent b a c k h a n d
for t h e f i r s t t i m e i n m y life a n d , w i t h a w h o l e t e n n i s g a m e , I b e -
c a m e t h e b e s t p l a y e r i n t h e little i s l a n d c o m m u n i t y w h e r e I t h e n
lived. A t w h i c h p o i n t , I t o o k u p golf. T h a t was really h u m b l i n g .
F o r m e , golf is so h u m i l i a t i n g (or h u m b l i n g ) t h a t I can nei-
t h e r play it n o r enjoy it unless I r e g a r d it as a l e a r n i n g o p p o r t u -
nity. I h a v e , i n fact, l e a r n e d a n e x t r a o r d i n a r y a m o u n t a b o u t
myself, s u c h a s t h e o u t r a g e o u s n e s s o f m y o w n p e r f e c t i o n i s m
a n d t h e d e p t h s o f s e l f - h a t r e d I i n d u l g e i n w h e n I fail t o b e p e r -
fect. T h r o u g h golf, I a m slowly h e a l i n g m y s e l f o f m y p e r f e c t i o n -
ism a n d m y m a n y o t h e r i m p e r f e c t i o n s . A n d I d o n ' t t h i n k t h e r e
can be any healthier—or m o r e important—way to b e c o m e
w h o l e p e r s o n s t h a n w o r k i n g o n o u r weak sides.
LEARNING FROM ROLE MODELS
O u r relations with o t h e r s — a n d l e a r n i n g from t h e m — c a n b e

o n e o f life's gifts. A s a b l e s s i n g , r o l e m o d e l s h e l p p r e v e n t u s
from having to learn everything from scratch, so to speak, since
if we are g o o d listeners a n d observers we can avoid s o m e of t h e
pitfalls s o m e o n e else h a s f o u n d o n t h e p a t h w e a r e h e a d i n g .
B u t w e m u s t c h o o s e wisely w h o m w e e m u l a t e , b e c a u s e r o l e
models may be detrimental at times. In childhood, o n e of the
r o u t e s f o r l e a r n i n g , for b e t t e r o r f o r w o r s e , i s t h r o u g h o u r p a r -
ents as primary role models. In adulthood, we have the oppor-
tunity to m a k e a deliberate choice of role models; we can n o t
only d e c i d e on g o o d role m o d e l s b u t even use negative role
models appropriately, as examples of what not to do.
A big part of my learning c a m e a b o u t t h r o u g h a negative
r o l e m o d e l I h a d i n m y e a r l y p r o f e s s i o n a l y e a r s . I'll call h i m Dr.
B u m b l e s . Dr. B u m b l e s was a s u p e r v i s i n g p s y c h i a t r i s t a n d a n i c e
e n o u g h m a n . B u t all h i s p s y c h i a t r i c i n s t i n c t s w e r e w r o n g . I was
in t r a i n i n g at t h e time, a n d t h e first c o u p l e of m o n t h s of my res-
i d e n c y w e r e t e r r i b l y c o n f u s i n g u n t i l I r e a l i z e d t h a t Dr. B u m b l e s
was u s u a l l y w r o n g . A s s o o n a s I d i s c o v e r e d t h a t , h e b e c a m e v e r y
useful to me as a negative role m o d e l — a n e x a m p l e of w h a t n o t
to do.
Usually, I c o u l d tell w h a t was t h e r i g h t t h i n g t o d o b y c o m -
p a r i n g m y p r o f e s s i o n a l j u d g m e n t s t o Dr. B u m b l e s ' s t h i n k i n g . I f
I w e n t t o h i m a n d said, "Well, this m a n i s d i a g n o s e d a s s c h i z o -
p h r e n i c a n d he kind of looks schizophrenic, b u t he d o e s n ' t
q u i t e a c t like a s c h i z o p h r e n i c . . . " a n d Dr. B u m b l e s said, " O h ,
d e f i n i t e l y — a classic c a s e of s c h i z o p h r e n i a , " I k n e w I was r i g h t to
d o u b t t h e d i a g n o s i s . O r i f I said, " T h i s p a t i e n t d o e s n ' t l o o k
schizophrenic, b u t I w o n d e r if he may be, because of how he
a c t s , " a n d Dr. B u m b l e s r e s p o n d e d , " O h , n o q u e s t i o n , h e i s n o t
s c h i z o p h r e n i c , " I k n e w t h e n I was r i g h t t o s u s p e c t s c h i z o p h r e -
nia.
So in learning from others, o n e m u s t keenly perceive the
n u a n c e s t h a t allow u s t o distinguish b e t w e e n g o o d a n d b a d
t e a c h e r s . B e c a u s e t h e y fail t o m a k e s u c h d i s t i n c t i o n s , m a n y p e o -
ple develop neuroses w h e n they have h a d bad role models b u t
feel t h e y m u s t b e h a v e t h e s a m e way a s t h e i r p a r e n t s o r o t h e r in-
fluential adults did. F r o m s o m e elderly patients, for e x a m p l e , I
h a v e l e a r n e d a g r e a t d e a l a b o u t w h a t I d o n ' t w a n t f o r myself. T o
m e , o n e o f t h e s a d d e s t s i g h t s i n t h e w o r l d i s o l d p e o p l e still try-
i n g t o live life a s u s u a l a n d c o n t r o l t h e i r affairs w h e n t h e y ' r e n o
l o n g e r c o m p e t e n t t o d o s o . U s u a l l y t h e s e p e o p l e h a v e i n n o way
p r e p a r e d for serious a g i n g a n d d e a t h . T h e y have b e c o m e stuck.
M a n y will c o n t i n u e t o try t o m a i n t a i n a h o u s e w i t h o u t m u c h
h e l p . T h e y will h a v e p a p e r w o r k s t r e w n all o v e r t h e p l a c e , a n d
t h e i r affairs Will b e i n t o t a l d i s o r d e r .
A l m o s t p a r a d o x i c a l l y , i t was t h e s e p a t i e n t s , w h o c o u l d n o t
give u p c o n t r o l , w h o m I o f t e n h a d t o s e n d i n t o n u r s i n g h o m e s
a g a i n s t t h e i r will. I t was a t e r r i b l y p a i n f u l t h i n g t o h a v e t o d o .
H a d t h e s e p a t i e n t s b e e n willing t o sit b a c k a n d l e a r n t o l e t o t h -
e r s d o f o r t h e m , t h e y c o u l d h a v e e n j o y e d t h e i r last y e a r s a t
h o m e . B u t i t was p r e c i s e l y b e c a u s e t h e y r e f u s e d t o l e a r n h o w t o
give u p a n y c o n t r o l t h a t t h e i r lives b e c a m e s u c h s h a m b l e s . I a n d
t h e i r families h a d t o w r e s t c o n t r o l f r o m t h e m a n d p l a c e t h e m i n
institutional settings w h e r e they would be taken care of w h e t h e r
they liked it or not.
It is from these p o o r souls, as negative role m o d e l s , t h a t I
h a v e l e a r n e d t o p r a y a l m o s t daily t h a t w h e n m y t i m e c o m e s I will
b e b e t t e r p r e p a r e d a n d a b l e t o give u p w h a t e v e r c o n t r o l I n e e d
t o . I n fact, I h a v e a l r e a d y b e g u n t o l e a r n t o d o s o . I o n l y w o r r y
t h a t this l e a r n i n g will n o t c o n t i n u e .
G R O U P LEARNING
C o n t i n u i n g to l e a r n is a m a t t e r of great i m p o r t a n c e n o t only for

i n d i v i d u a l s b u t also f o r g r o u p s . I h a v e s p o k e n o f t h e " e m p t i -
ness" involved in g r o u p learning, a n d t h e d e a t h throes that en-
tire g r o u p s will g o t h r o u g h i n t h e p r o c e s s o f " u n l e a r n i n g . " I t i s
a p h e n o m e n o n I have witnessed m a n y times. For the past dozen
years, t h e greatest a d v e n t u r e of my professional life—and learn-
i n g — h a s c o m e from w o r k i n g with o t h e r s i n t h e F o u n d a t i o n for
C o m m u n i t y E n c o u r a g e m e n t (FCE). It is t h e mission of FCE to
teach the principles of community, by which we m e a n the prin-
ciples o f healthy c o m m u n i c a t i o n within a n d b e t w e e n g r o u p s .
F C E t e a c h e s g r o u p s h o w t o b e h e a l t h y a n d " w h o l e " — e v e n "holy."
W h e n g r o u p s are. healthy, their individual m e m b e r s are
i n a n e n v i r o n m e n t w h e r e t h e y c a n l e a r n m o r e effectively a n d
efficiently—about themselves a n d o t h e r p e o p l e — t h a n in any
o t h e r p l a c e . T h e g r o u p itself also l e a r n s . A l t h o u g h i t t a k e s a
great deal of work, including the work of unlearning, a g r o u p
c a n d e v e l o p a c o n s c i o u s n e s s o f its o w n w h i c h i s wiser a n d
g r e a t e r t h a n t h e s u m o f its i n d i v i d u a l m e m b e r s . S u c h g r o u p s
c a n b e c o m e e x t r a o r d i n a r i l y effective d e c i s i o n - m a k i n g b o d i e s .
Because healthy groups can be so extraordinarily produc-
tive i n a d d r e s s i n g e x t r e m e l y c o m p l e x issues, F C E i s w o r k i n g
m o r e a n d m o r e in businesses a n d o t h e r organizations. We have
learned to build temporary communities in such organizations
for t h e p u r p o s e o f c o l l a b o r a t i v e d e c i s i o n m a k i n g . I n d e e d , w e
h a v e l e a r n e d t o d o this v e r y well. W h a t w e a r e s t r u g g l i n g w i t h
n o w i s l e a r n i n g h o w t o h e l p t h e s e o r g a n i z a t i o n s d e v e l o p t h e ca-
pacity to m a i n t a i n t h e i n g r e d i e n t s of c o m m u n i t y on their own
after F C E ' s i n t e r v e n t i o n — t o be w h a t we call a s u s t a i n a b l e c o m -
munity, so that such decision m a k i n g a n d healthy g r o u p func-
t i o n i n g c a n a n d will c o n t i n u e t o o c c u r r o u t i n e l y .
O u r work at FCE has dovetailed with that of Peter S e n g e at
t h e O r g a n i z a t i o n a l L e a r n i n g C e n t e r o f t h e M a s s a c h u s e t t s Insti-
t u t e of T e c h n o l o g y . In h i s b o o k , The Fifth Discipline, S e n g e
coined the term "learning organization," which is synonymous
w i t h w h a t w e a t F C E call s u s t a i n a b l e c o m m u n i t y . A l e a r n i n g or-
g a n i z a t i o n m u s t b e a c o m m u n i t y . A s u s t a i n a b l e c o m m u n i t y will
b e a l e a r n i n g o r g a n i z a t i o n . T h e key i s s u e , h o w e v e r , i s this m a t -
t e r o f c o n t i n u i n g l e a r n i n g . I t i s c o m p a r a t i v e l y easy t o h e l p or-
ganizations learn temporarily, w h e n they are facing s o m e kind
o f crisis. W h a t i s n o t s o easy i s t o t e a c h t h e m h o w t o l e a r n c o n -
tinually. W e b e l i e v e t h a t g r o u p s c a n b e g i n t o i n t e g r a t e a n e w
perspective a b o u t l e a r n i n g w h e n it is seen as an o p p o r t u n i t y for
individual a n d collective growth, n o t simply as a b u r d e n to be
tolerated such as the equivalent of enrolling in m a n d a t o r y
classes o n c e a year. W e h a v e g a i n e d g l i m p s e s o f h o w t o t e a c h
this, b u t o n l y g l i m p s e s ; t h e f i e l d i s a t r u e f r o n t i e r .
T h e r e is great r e a s o n to believe that t h e m a t t e r of g r o u p
h e a l t h is even m o r e significant t h a n that of individual health.
J u s t a s i n d i v i d u a l s m u s t c o n t i n u e t o l e a r n i n o r d e r t o survive
well, s o m u s t o u r o r g a n i z a t i o n s a n d i n s t i t u t i o n s . T h e survival o f
o u r civilization m a y well d e p e n d u p o n w h e t h e r o u r i n s t i t u t i o n s
c a n evolve i n t o s u s t a i n a b l e c o m m u n i t i e s a n d h e n c e b e c o m e
ongoing learning organizations.
P A R T I I
Wrestling with the

Complexity of
Everyday Life
CHAPTER 4
Personal Life Choices
PART OF THE COMPLEXITY OF LIFE is t h a t at o n e a n d t h e s a m e t i m e

w e a r e i n d i v i d u a l s , m e m b e r s o f family a n d w o r k o r g a n i z a t i o n s ,
a n d m e m b e r s o f society. I n d e e d , i t i s a l m o s t a r b i t r a r y t o s e p a -
rate these categories. But it is sometimes necessary to m a k e
s u c h arbitrary distinctions in o r d e r to talk a b o u t a n y t h i n g in de-
tail a n d d e p t h . T h e r e f o r e , l e t m e f o c u s first u p o n w h a t I b e l i e v e
t o b e t h e m o s t critical o f t h e m a n y c h o i c e s t h a t w e m a k e a s in-
dividuals i n o u r hearts a n d m i n d s .
A s always, c o n s c i o u s n e s s p r e c e d e s c h o i c e ; w i t h o u t it, t h e r e
is no choice. T h u s , t h e single m o s t i m p o r t a n t p e r s o n a l choice
t h a t w e c a n m a k e i n o u r lives i s t h e c h o i c e f o r e v e r - i n c r e a s i n g
consciousness. Consciousness, however, does n o t m a k e choices
easy. T o t h e c o n t r a r y , i t m u l t i p l i e s t h e o p t i o n s .
T o give a n e x a m p l e o f t h e c o m p l e x i t y o f c h o i c e s , c o n s i d e r
how we m i g h t deal with o u r anger. In the midbrain, there are
c o l l e c t i o n s o f n e r v e cells o r c e n t e r s t h a t n o t o n l y g o v e r n b u t a c -
tually p r o d u c e o u r p o w e r f u l e m o t i o n s . O n e o f t h e s e i s a n a n g e r
c e n t e r . In Further Along the Road Less Traveled, I w r o t e t h a t t h e
a n g e r c e n t e r i n h u m a n s w o r k s i n e x a c t l y t h e s a m e way a s i t d o e s
in o t h e r c r e a t u r e s . It is basically a t e r r i t o r i a l m e c h a n i s m , firing
off w h e n a n y o t h e r c r e a t u r e i m p i n g e s u p o n o u r t e r r i t o r y . W e
are no different from a d o g fighting a n o t h e r d o g that wanders
i n t o its t e r r i t o r y , e x c e p t t h a t f o r h u m a n b e i n g s d e f i n i t i o n s o f
territory—or boundaries—are so complex a n d multifaceted.
Not only do we have a geographical territory a n d b e c o m e angry
w h e n s o m e o n e c o m e s u n i n v i t e d o n t o o u r p r o p e r t y a n d starts
p i c k i n g o u r f l o w e r s , b u t w e also h a v e a p s y c h o l o g i c a l t e r r i t o r y ,
a n d w e b e c o m e a n g r y w h e n e v e r a n y o n e criticizes u s . W e a l s o
have a theological or an ideological territory, a n d we t e n d to be-
c o m e a n g r y w h e n e v e r a n y o n e casts a s p e r s i o n s o n o u r b e l i e f sys-
t e m s , e v e n w h e n t h e critic i s a s t r a n g e r t o u s a n d s p e a k i n g i n t o
a m i c r o p h o n e t h o u s a n d s of m i l e s away.
S i n c e o u r a n g e r c e n t e r i s firing m u c h o f t h e t i m e , a n d of-
t e n v e r y i n a p p r o p r i a t e l y — s o m e t i m e s o n t h e basis o f p e r c e i v e d ,
rather than actual, infringements—we n e e d to be flexible in
d e a l i n g w i t h s i t u a t i o n s t h a t easily p r o v o k e o u r w r a t h . W e m u s t
l e a r n a w h o l e c o m p l e x set o f ways o f d e a l i n g w i t h a n g e r . S o m e -
t i m e s w e n e e d t o t h i n k , "My a n g e r i s silly a n d i m m a t u r e . It's m y
fault." O r s o m e t i m e s w e s h o u l d c o n c l u d e , " T h i s p e r s o n d i d i m -
p i n g e u p o n m y t e r r i t o r y , b u t i t was a n a c c i d e n t a n d t h e r e ' s n o
r e a s o n t o g e t a n g r y a b o u t it." O r , "Well, h e d i d v i o l a t e m y t e r r i -
t o r y a little bit, b u t it's n o b i g d e a l . It's n o t w o r t h b l o w i n g u p
a b o u t . " B u t every o n c e i n a w h i l e , after w e t h i n k a b o u t i t f o r a
c o u p l e o f days, w e m a y d i s c e r n t h a t s o m e o n e r e a l l y d i d seri-
ously violate o u r territory. T h e n it m a y be necessary to go to
t h a t p e r s o n a n d say, " L i s t e n , I've g o t a r e a l b o n e t o p i c k w i t h
you." A n d s o m e t i m e s it m i g h t even be necessary to get angry
immediately a n d blast that p e r s o n right o n t h e spot.
S o t h e r e a r e a t l e a s t f i v e d i f f e r e n t ways t o r e s p o n d w h e n
w e ' r e a n g r y . A n d n o t o n l y d o w e n e e d t o k n o w t h e m , w e also
h a v e t o l e a r n w h i c h r e s p o n s e i s a p p r o p r i a t e i n a n y g i v e n situa-
tion. This requires extraordinary consciousness of what is going
on b o t h inside a n d outside of ourselves. It is no w o n d e r that
very few p e o p l e l e a r n h o w t o d e a l well w i t h t h e i r a n g e r b e f o r e
t h e y a r e i n t o t h e i r t h i r t i e s o r forties, a n d m a n y n e v e r l e a r n t o
do so constructively.
I n fact, i t i s t h e ability t o l e a r n h o w t o d e a l w i t h all t h e
p r o b l e m s a n d c h a l l e n g e s o f life i n a c o n s t r u c t i v e m a n n e r t h a t
defines psychospiritual progress. Conversely, t h a t w h i c h refuses
p r o g r e s s i s i n o p p o s i t i o n t o o u r g r o w t h a n d u l t i m a t e l y self-
destructive.
T H E P A T H O F SMART SELFISHNESS V E R S U S
T H E P A T H O F S T U P I D SELFISHNESS
T o grow, w e m u s t l e a r n t o d i s c e r n b e t w e e n t h a t w h i c h i s self-
d e s t r u c t i v e a n d t h a t w h i c h i s s e l f - c o n s t r u c t i v e . W h e n I was i n
p r a c t i c e , I w o u l d n o l o n g e r allow a n y o f m y p a t i e n t s t o u s e t h e
w o r d " u n s e l f i s h " a f t e r a b o u t f i v e s e s s i o n s . I w o u l d tell t h e m t h a t
I was a t o t a l l y selfish h u m a n b e i n g w h o h a d n e v e r d o n e any-
t h i n g f o r a n y o n e o r a n y t h i n g else. W h e n I w a t e r e d m y flowers,
I d i d n o t say t o t h e m , " O h , l o o k , flowers, w h a t I ' m d o i n g f o r
y o u . Y o u o u g h t t o b e g r a t e f u l t o m e . " I was d o i n g i t b e c a u s e I
l i k e d p r e t t y flowers. Similarly, w h e n I e x t e n d e d myself f o r o n e
o f m y c h i l d r e n i t was b e c a u s e I l i k e d t o h a v e a n i m a g e o f myself
in my m i n d as a reasonably d e c e n t father a n d a reasonably h o n -
est m a n . I n o r d e r t o m a i n t a i n t h o s e two i m a g e s s i d e b y s i d e w i t h
a n y integrity, e v e r y s o o f t e n I h a d t o e x t e n d myself b e y o n d w h a t
I m i g h t n o r m a l l y feel like d o i n g . B e s i d e s , I also like p r e t t y chil-
dren.
T h e truth is that we rarely do anything without s o m e gain
or benefit to ourselves, however small or subtle. M a k i n g a do-
n a t i o n t o c h a r i t y h e l p s m e feel g o o d . S o m e o n e w h o c l a i m s t o
b e "sacrificing" a w e l l - p a y i n g j o b r i g h t o u t o f u n d e r g r a d u a t e
s c h o o l i n o r d e r t o g o o n t o law s c h o o l s o s h e c a n " b e t t e r s e r v e
society" i s a l s o b e t t e r s e r v i n g herself. A w o m a n w h o "sacrifices"
b y staying a t h o m e t o raise h e r c h i l d r e n r a t h e r t h a n g o i n g o u t
t o w o r k m a y d o s o b e c a u s e s h e " b e l i e v e s i n family," b u t s h e also
personally benefits f r o m this decision. We c a n l o o k at m o n k s
a n d n u n s a n d t h i n k , " G o d , h o w u n s e l f i s h t h e y a r e . L o o k a t all
t h a t t h e y h a v e sacrificed: sex, family life, p e r s o n a l p r o p e r t y
o w n e r s h i p , a n d , i n s o m e ways, e v e n a u t o n o m y o v e r t h e i r o w n
lives." B u t t h e y a r e i n i t f o r t h e s a m e selfish r e a s o n a s a n y o n e
else. T h e y h a v e d e c i d e d t h a t f o r t h e m t h a t i s t h e b e s t p a t h t o -
w a r d joy.
S o s e l f i s h n e s s i s n ' t always a s i m p l e m a t t e r . W h a t I w o u l d d o
was ask o f m y p a t i e n t s t h a t t h e y d i s t i n g u i s h b e t w e e n t h e p a t h o f
smart selfishness a n d t h e p a t h o f s t u p i d selfishness. T h e p a t h o f
s t u p i d selfishness i s t r y i n g t o a v o i d all p a i n . T h e p a t h o f s m a r t
selfishness i s t r y i n g t o d i s c e r n w h i c h p a i n o r s u f f e r i n g , p a r t i c u -
larly e m o t i o n a l s u f f e r i n g , i s c o n s t r u c t i v e a n d w h i c h i s u n c o n -
structive. Because I write a g r e a t deal a b o u t p a i n a n d suffering
a n d d i s c i p l i n e , a l o t o f p e o p l e t h i n k I a m s o m e k i n d o f p a i n freak.
I am n o t a p a i n freak, I am a j o y freak. I s e e no v a l u e w h a t s o e v e r
is unconstructive suffering. If I have an o r d i n a r y h e a d a c h e t h e
very f i r s t t h i n g I a m g o i n g t o d o i s g e t myself two s u p e r - s t r e n g t h
uncapsulized acetaminophens. T h e r e is no virtue i n h e r e n t in
that h e a d a c h e , either p e r se or to m e . I see absolutely no value
i n such u n c o n s t r u c t i v e suffering. O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , t h e r e a r e
types o f s u f f e r i n g i n this life f r o m w h i c h w e h a v e m a n y c o n -
structive things to learn.
My p r e f e r r e d words for "constructive" a n d "unconstruc-
tive" a r e , respectively, " e x i s t e n t i a l " a n d " n e u r o t i c . " E x i s t e n t i a l
s u f f e r i n g i s a n i n h e r e n t p a r t o f e x i s t e n c e a n d c a n n o t b e legiti-
m a t e l y a v o i d e d — f o r e x a m p l e , t h e s u f f e r i n g i n v o l v e d i n grow-
ing u p a n d l e a r n i n g t o b e i n d e p e n d e n t ; t h e suffering involved
in learning how to b e c o m e i n t e r d e p e n d e n t a n d even depen-
d e n t a g a i n ; t h e s u f f e r i n g t h a t i s a s s o c i a t e d w i t h loss a n d g i v i n g
u p ; t h e s u f f e r i n g o f o l d a g e a n d d y i n g . F r o m all t h e s e k i n d s o f
suffering we have a great deal to learn. N e u r o t i c suffering, on
t h e o t h e r h a n d , i s t h a t e m o t i o n a l s u f f e r i n g w h i c h i s n o t a n in-
h e r e n t part of existence. It is unconstructive a n d unnecessary,
a n d r a t h e r t h a n e n h a n c i n g o u r e x i s t e n c e i m p e d e s it. W h a t w e
n e e d to do with n e u r o t i c suffering is get rid of it j u s t as quickly
as p o s s i b l e b e c a u s e it is like c a r r y i n g n i n e t y - e i g h t golf c l u b s
a r o u n d t h e c o u r s e w h e n all y o u n e e d i s t e n o r twelve t o p l a y a
perfectly g o o d g a m e . It is j u s t so m u c h excess b a g g a g e .
Fifty y e a r s a g o , w h e n F r e u d ' s t h e o r i e s f i r s t f i l t e r e d d o w n t o
the intelligentsia (and were misinterpreted, as so often hap-
pens) , t h e r e were a large n u m b e r of avant-garde parents w h o ,
having l e a r n e d that guilt feelings c o u l d have s o m e t h i n g to do
w i t h n e u r o s e s , r e s o l v e d t h a t t h e y w e r e g o i n g t o r a i s e guilt-free
c h i l d r e n . W h a t a n awful t h i n g t o d o t o a c h i l d . O u r j a i l s a r e
f i l l e d with p e o p l e w h o a r e t h e r e precisely b e c a u s e they d o n o t
h a v e a n y guilt, o r d o n o t h a v e e n o u g h o f it. W e n e e d a c e r t a i n
a m o u n t o f g u i l t i n o r d e r t o exist i n society, a n d t h a t ' s w h a t I call

e x i s t e n t i a l guilt. I h a s t e n t o stress, h o w e v e r , t h a t t o o m u c h guilt,
r a t h e r t h a n e n h a n c i n g o u r e x i s t e n c e , h i n d e r s it. N e u r o t i c g u i l t
i s u n n e c e s s a r y a n d d e p l e t e s o u r lives o f j o y a n d serenity.
T a k e a n o t h e r p a i n f u l f e e l i n g : anxiety. A l t h o u g h i t m a y b e
p a i n f u l , w e n e e d a c e r t a i n a m o u n t o f a n x i e t y t o f u n c t i o n well.
F o r i n s t a n c e , if I h a d to give a s p e e c h in N e w Y o r k City, I m i g h t
be anxious a b o u t h o w to get there, a n d my anxiety would pro-
p e l m e t o l o o k a t a m a p . I f I h a d n o anxiety, I m i g h t j u s t t a k e off
and end up in Quebec. Meanwhile, there are a thousand peo-
p l e w a i t i n g t o h e a r m e give a talk i n N e w York City. S o w e n e e d
a c e r t a i n a m o u n t o f a n x i e t y i n o r d e r t o exist w e l l — t h e k i n d o f
existential anxiety that propels us to consult m a p s .
But o n c e again, there can be an a m o u n t of anxiety above
a n d beyond that, which, r a t h e r t h a n e n h a n c i n g o u r existence,
i m p e d e s it. So I c o u l d t h i n k to myself, " S u p p o s i n g I h a d a flat
tire o r g o t i n t o a n a c c i d e n t . T h e y d r i v e awfully fast o n t h e r o a d s
n e a r N e w Y o r k City. A n d e v e n i f I d o m a n a g e t o g e t t o t h e p l a c e
I was s u p p o s e d to l e c t u r e , I p r o b a b l y w o n ' t be a b l e to find a
p a r k i n g p l a c e . I ' m sorry, p e o p l e i n N e w York, b u t it's b e y o n d
m e . " T h i s k i n d o f p h o b i c anxiety, r a t h e r t h a n e n h a n c i n g m y ex-
i s t e n c e , limits i t a n d i s clearly n e u r o t i c .
We are naturally pain-avoiding creatures. But just as it
w o u l d b e s t u p i d t o w e l c o m e all s u f f e r i n g , s o i t i s s t u p i d t o try t o
a v o i d all s u f f e r i n g . O n e o f t h e b a s i c c h o i c e s w e m a k e i n life i s
w h e t h e r t o follow t h e p a t h o f s m a r t selfishness o r try t o a v o i d all
p r o b l e m s a n d t a k e t h e p a t h o f s t u p i d selfishness. T o d o so, w e
m u s t l e a r n h o w t o m a k e this d i s t i n c t i o n b e t w e e n n e u r o t i c a n d
existential suffering.
As I w r o t e in The Road Less Traveled, life is difficult b e c a u s e
it is a series of p r o b l e m s , a n d t h e process of c o n f r o n t i n g a n d
solving p r o b l e m s i s a p a i n f u l o n e . P r o b l e m s , d e p e n d i n g o n
t h e i r n a t u r e , e v o k e i n u s m a n y u n c o m f o r t a b l e f e e l i n g s : frustra-
t i o n , grief, s a d n e s s , l o n e l i n e s s , guilt, r e g r e t , a n g e r , fear, anxiety,
anguish, or despair. T h e s e feelings are often as painful as any
k i n d o f p h y s i c a l s u f f e r i n g . I n d e e d , i t i s because o f t h e p a i n t h a t
e v e n t s o r c o n f l i c t s e n g e n d e r i n u s t h a t w e call t h e m p r o b l e m s .
Yet i t i s i n this w h o l e p r o c e s s o f m e e t i n g a n d s o l v i n g p r o b l e m s
t h a t life f i n d s its m e a n i n g . P r o b l e m s call f o r t h o u r c o u r a g e a n d
wisdom; indeed, they create o u r courage a n d o u r wisdom.
P r o b l e m s a r e t h e c u t t i n g e d g e t h a t distinguishes b e t w e e n suc-
cess a n d f a i l u r e . I t i s o n l y b e c a u s e o f p r o b l e m s t h a t w e g r o w
m e n t a l l y a n d spiritually.
T h e a l t e r n a t i v e — n o t t o m e e t t h e d e m a n d s o f life o n life's
t e r m s — m e a n s w e will e n d u p l o s i n g m o r e o f t e n t h a n n o t . M o s t
p e o p l e a t t e m p t t o skirt p r o b l e m s r a t h e r t h a n m e e t t h e m h e a d -
o n . W e a t t e m p t t o g e t o u t o f t h e m r a t h e r t h a n suffer t h r o u g h
t h e m . I n d e e d , t h e t e n d e n c y t o avoid p r o b l e m s a n d t h e e m o -
t i o n a l s u f f e r i n g i n h e r e n t i n t h e m i s t h e p r i m a r y basis o f all psy-
chological illness. A n d since m o s t of us have this t e n d e n c y to a
g r e a t e r o r lesser d e g r e e , m o s t o f u s lack c o m p l e t e m e n t a l
h e a l t h . T h o s e w h o a r e m o s t h e a l t h y l e a r n n o t t o d r e a d b u t ac-
tually t o w e l c o m e p r o b l e m s . A l t h o u g h t r i u m p h i s n ' t g u a r a n -
t e e d e a c h t i m e w e face a p r o b l e m i n life, t h o s e w h o a r e wise a r e
aware that it is only t h r o u g h the pain of confronting a n d re-
s o l v i n g p r o b l e m s t h a t w e l e a r n a n d grow.
C H O I C E S OF RESPONSIBILITY
Most p e o p l e w h o c o m e to see a psychotherapist are suffering

f r o m e i t h e r a n e u r o s i s or w h a t is called a c h a r a c t e r disorder. As
i n d i c a t e d in The Road Less Traveled, t h e s e c o n d i t i o n s a r e at r o o t
disorders of responsibility: the n e u r o t i c assumes too m u c h re-
sponsibility a n d t h e p e r s o n w i t h a c h a r a c t e r d i s o r d e r n o t e n o u g h .
A s s u c h , t h e y a r e o p p o s i t e styles o f r e l a t i n g t o t h e w o r l d a n d its
p r o b l e m s . W h e n n e u r o t i c s are in conflict with t h e world, they
a u t o m a t i c a l l y a s s u m e t h a t t h e y a r e a t fault. W h e n t h o s e w i t h
character disorders are in conflict with t h e world, they auto-
m a t i c a l l y a s s u m e t h a t t h e w o r l d i s a t fault.
Even the speech patterns of neurotics a n d of those with
character disorders are different. T h e s p e e c h of the n e u r o t i c is
n o t a b l e for s u c h e x p r e s s i o n s a s " I o u g h t t o , " " I s h o u l d , " a n d " I
s h o u l d n ' t , " i n d i c a t i n g , t o s o m e e x t e n t , a s e l f - i m a g e o f a n infe-
r i o r p e r s o n w h o b e l i e v e s h e o r s h e i s always falling s h o r t o f t h e
m a r k , always m a k i n g t h e w r o n g c h o i c e s . T h e s p e e c h o f a p e r s o n
w i t h a c h a r a c t e r d i s o r d e r , h o w e v e r , r e l i e s heavily on "I c a n ' t , " "I
c o u l d n ' t , " " I h a v e t o , " a n d " I h a d t o , " d e m o n s t r a t i n g a self-image
of a b e i n g w h o believes he or she has no p o w e r of choice, a n d
w h o s e b e h a v i o r i s c o m p l e t e l y d i r e c t e d b y e x t e r n a l f o r c e s totally
b e y o n d his o r h e r c o n t r o l .
B e f o r e 1 9 5 0 , t h e t e r m " c h a r a c t e r d i s o r d e r " d i d n ' t exist a s a
separate diagnosis or category. Most psychiatric disorders were
c a l l e d n e u r o s e s , a n d n e u r o s e s w e r e g e n e r a l l y d i v i d e d i n t o two
categories: ego-alien a n d ego-syntonic. An ego-alien neurosis
was o n e i n w h i c h t h e p e r s o n ' s e g o f o u g h t a g a i n s t a p r o b l e m a t i c
condition. Since the individual didn't want to have the condi-
t i o n , h e was willing t o w o r k t o w a r d a l l e v i a t i n g it. A n e g o - s y n t o n i c
n e u r o s i s , o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , involves a c o n d i t i o n a p e r s o n ' s e g o
d o e s n ' t e v e n w a n t t o identify, m u c h less s e e a s p r o b l e m a t i c i n
h i s life.
W h i l e I was a n A r m y p s y c h i a t r i s t o n t h e i s l a n d o f O k i n a w a ,
I m e t two w o m e n , b o t h o f w h o m h a d s t r o n g fears o f s n a k e s .
M a n y p e o p l e h a v e a f e a r o f s n a k e s , s o this w a s n ' t u n u s u a l i n it-
self. W h a t m a d e t h e i r f e a r p r o b l e m a t i c — a n d p h o b i c — w a s t h e
d e g r e e o f i n c a p a c i t a t i o n c a u s e d b y it. T o say t h e least, w h e n
daily r o u t i n e s a r e i n t e r r u p t e d o r n e g l e c t e d b e c a u s e o f fear, i t
c r e a t e s difficulties i n m a n y a s p e c t s o f t h e p e r s o n ' s life.
O k i n a w a was a n a t u r a l p l a c e t o s e e s u c h p h o b i a s b e c a u s e o f
t h e d r e a d e d h a b u , a s n a k e u n i q u e t o t h e i s l a n d . It's p o i s o n o u s ,
a n d its size falls s o m e w h e r e b e t w e e n t h a t o f a l a r g e r a t t l e r a n d a
small p y t h o n . I t a l s o s l e e p s o n l y d u r i n g t h e day, w h i c h m e a n s
t h a t i t d o e s its r o a m i n g a t n i g h t . T h e r e w e r e a b o u t 1 0 0 , 0 0 0
A m e r i c a n s a t O k i n a w a a t t h e t i m e ; o n l y a b o u t o n c e i n two y e a r s
was o n e b i t t e n b y a h a b u , a n d h a l f o f t h o s e b i t t e n h a d b e e n
walking o u t in t h e j u n g l e at night, n o t a r o u n d the Army h o u s i n g
s e c t i o n s . A d e q u a t e i n f o r m a t i o n was d i s p e n s e d . All A m e r i c a n s
w e r e t o l d a b o u t t h e s n a k e , a n d all t h e h o s p i t a l s h a d t h e n e c e s -
sary a n t i t o x i n s t o t r e a t b i t e s . O v e r a l l , n o t o n e A m e r i c a n h a d ac-
tually b e e n k i l l e d by a s n a k e f o r y e a r s .
T h e f i r s t w o m a n , w h o was i n h e r e a r l y t h i r t i e s , c a m e t o s e e
m e a t m y office. "I've g o t this f e a r o f s n a k e s a n d I k n o w it's

r i d i c u l o u s , " s h e said. " B u t I w o n ' t g o o u t a t n i g h t . I c a n ' t t a k e
my children o u t to the movies at night a n d I won't go to a club
w i t h m y h u s b a n d a t n i g h t . It's really silly o f m e , b e c a u s e I k n o w
t h a t h a r d l y a n y o n e g e t s b i t t e n . I feel s o s t u p i d . " A s h e r l a n g u a g e
s u g g e s t e d , h e r p h o b i a was e g o - a l i e n : i t d i d n ' t f i t w i t h h e r self-
i m a g e a n d was t h e r e f o r e c o n f l i c t u a l t o h e r . A l t h o u g h s h e was
h o u s e b o u n d m o s t o f t h e t i m e a n d especially fearful o f g o i n g
o u t a t n i g h t , s h e was willing t o a c k n o w l e d g e t h a t t h i s was a p r o b -
l e m i n h e r life, a n d s h e w a n t e d t o f i n d ways t o l e s s e n h e r f e a r s o
t h a t i t w o u l d n o t i n t e r f e r e w i t h all h e r activities.
F r e u d first p o i n t e d o u t that phobias are often displace-
m e n t s f r o m a r e a l fear. W h a t w e f o u n d i n t h e r a p y was t h a t t h i s
w o m a n h a d n e v e r f a c e d u p t o e x i s t e n t i a l issues i n v o l v i n g h e r
f e a r o f d e a t h a n d f e a r o f evil. O n c e s h e s t a r t e d d e a l i n g w i t h
s u c h issues, a l t h o u g h s h e still r e m a i n e d t i m i d , s h e was a b l e t o
g o o u t a t n i g h t with h e r h u s b a n d a n d children. T h a n k s t o treat-
m e n t , b y t h e t i m e s h e was p r e p a r i n g t o l e a v e O k i n a w a , s h e was
on the path of growth.
I l e a r n e d a b o u t the s e c o n d w o m a n ' s fear of snakes only
w h e n I b e g a n talking to h e r toward the e n d of a d i n n e r party
s h e h o s t e d . S h e was i n h e r f o r t i e s a n d t h e wife o f a n e x e c u t i v e .
In talking with her, I l e a r n e d that she h a d b e c o m e a recluse.
She m e n t i o n e d with e n t h u s i a s m h o w m u c h she l o o k e d forward
t o g o i n g b a c k t o t h e U n i t e d S t a t e s , s i n c e s h e was h o u s e b o u n d
in Okinawa. "I can't go o u t because of those horrible snakes,"
s h e said. S h e k n e w t h a t o t h e r p e o p l e m a n a g e d t o g o o u t a t
n i g h t , b u t said, "If t h e y w a n t t o b e s t u p i d , t h a t ' s t h e i r p r o b l e m . "
M o r e o v e r , s h e b l a m e d t h e A m e r i c a n g o v e r n m e n t a n d t h e is-
l a n d for h e r p r o b l e m b e c a u s e "they s h o u l d b e d o i n g m o r e
a b o u t t h o s e h o r r i b l e s n a k e s . " A s i s typical o f t h o s e w i t h p h o b i a s
t h a t a r e e g o - s y n t o n i c , s h e d i d n ' t s e e t h e f e a r a s b e i n g her p r o b -
lem. She never sought o u t treatment even t h o u g h the crippling
c o n s e q u e n c e s o f h e r fear were evident. S h e h a d allowed h e r
p h o b i a t o totally g e t i n t h e way o f living a fuller life. S h e r e f u s e d
t o a t t e n d a n y social g a t h e r i n g s away f r o m h o m e — e v e n t h o s e
that were important to her husband's j o b — a n d she didn't seem

t o c o n s i d e r h o w this m i g h t j e o p a r d i z e his career.
A s t h e s e two cases d e m o n s t r a t e , n e u r o t i c s a r e relatively
easy t o w o r k w i t h i n p s y c h o t h e r a p y b e c a u s e t h e y a s s u m e r e -
s p o n s i b i l i t y for t h e i r difficulties a n d t h e r e f o r e s e e t h e m s e l v e s a s
having p r o b l e m s . T h o s e with c h a r a c t e r disorders are m u c h
m o r e difficult t o w o r k w i t h , b e c a u s e t h e y d o n ' t s e e t h e m s e l v e s
as t h e source of their p r o b l e m s ; they see t h e world r a t h e r t h a n
t h e m s e l v e s a s b e i n g i n n e e d o f c h a n g e , a n d t h e r e f o r e fail t o r e c -
o g n i z e t h e necessity for self-examination.
T h u s , a s i g n i f i c a n t p a r t o f t h e e x i s t e n t i a l s u f f e r i n g o f life i s
the suffering involved in constantly d i s c e r n i n g — o r c h o o s i n g —
w h a t w e a r e r e s p o n s i b l e for a n d w h a t w e a r e n o t r e s p o n s i b l e for
a n d m a i n t a i n i n g a h e a l t h y b a l a n c e . Obviously, t h e c h a r a c t e r -
d i s o r d e r e d p e r s o n avoids t h a t existential suffering. W h a t m a y
n o t b e s o o b v i o u s i s t h a t t h e n e u r o t i c a l s o d o e s . B y s i m p l y as-
s u m i n g t h a t e v e r y t h i n g i s h e r r e s p o n s i b i l i t y , s h e will u l t i m a t e l y
suffer m o r e t h r o u g h n e u r o t i c s u f f e r i n g — e v e n t h o u g h s h e d o e s
avoid t h e existential suffering of having to m a k e choices, t h e
k i n d of suffering t h a t m a y be involved in saying to p e o p l e , " N o !
I'm drawing a line."
T h e p r o b l e m of distinguishing what we are a n d are n o t re-
s p o n s i b l e f o r i n t h i s life i s o n e o f t h e c o n t i n u i n g c h a l l e n g e s o f
h u m a n e x i s t e n c e . I t i s n e v e r c o m p l e t e l y r e s o l v e d f o r all t i m e .
W e m u s t c o n t i n u a l l y assess a n d r e a s s e s s w h e r e o u r r e s p o n s i b i l i -
ties lie i n t h e e v e r - c h a n g i n g c o u r s e o f e v e n t s t h a t s h a p e o u r
lives. T h e r e i s n o f o r m u l a f o r h o w t o d o it. E a c h s i t u a t i o n i s n e w
a n d w e m u s t d i s c e r n all o v e r a g a i n t h e c h o i c e o f w h a t w e a r e a n d
a r e n o t r e s p o n s i b l e for. I t i s o n e t h a t w e m u s t m a k e t h o u s a n d s
u p o n t h o u s a n d s o f t i m e s , a l m o s t u p u n t i l t h e very d a y w e d i e .
CHOICES OF SUBMISSION
D i s c i p l i n e i s t h e m e a n s f o r s o l v i n g life's p r o b l e m s . All d i s c i p l i n e
is a form of submission. T h e discipline to discern what we are or
a r e n o t r e s p o n s i b l e for i s m o s t c r u c i a l , s i n c e w e m u s t g o t h r o u g h
t h e existential suffering of c h o o s i n g w h e n a n d w h a t to submit
t o a n d w h a t n o t t o s u b m i t t o , w h e t h e r t h a t i s o u r o w n e g o , love,
G o d , o r e v e n t h e f o r c e s o f evil.
F o r i n s t a n c e , w h e n w e a r e y o u n g , w e m o r e o r less h a v e t o
submit to o u r parents or other caretakers. But as we grow into
adulthood, we have to m a k e decisions a b o u t w h e n a n d how
to submit to o u r parents a n d w h e n a n d h o w n o t t o — a n d par-
t i c u l a r l y t o t h e i r v a l u e s . N o t all s u b m i s s i o n i s g o o d . T o totally
submit to one's parents in a d u l t h o o d would be destructive,
every b i t a s d e s t r u c t i v e a s t o s u b m i t t o a cult. W e m u s t f i g u r e o u t
t o w h a t e x t e n t w e a r e g o i n g t o s u b m i t t o society a n d t o w h a t
e x t e n t w e a r e g o i n g t o d i s a g r e e w i t h society, j u s t a s w e
m u s t c h o o s e o u r v a l u e s e v e r y s t e p o f t h e way. U l t i m a t e l y , w e
have to choose whether or not to submit to God and, indeed,
even choose the kind of G o d that we are going to submit to.
T h e t e r m " h i g h e r p o w e r " f i r s t a p p e a r e d i n , o r a t l e a s t was
initially p o p u l a r i z e d by, t h e Twelve S t e p s o f A l c o h o l i c s A n o n y -
m o u s . In A World Waiting to Be Born, I w r o t e t h a t t h e t e r m i m -
plies that t h e r e is s o m e t h i n g "higher" t h a n us as individuals a n d
that it is a p p r o p r i a t e to submit ourselves to that s o m e t h i n g
h i g h e r , b e i t love, l i g h t , t r u t h , o r G o d . " T h y will, n o t m i n e , b e
d o n e " i s a g l o r i o u s e x p r e s s i o n o f d e s i r e for s u c h s u b m i s s i o n ,
a n d t h e key w o r d i s "will." S u b m i s s i o n i m p l i e s a n effective s u b -
m i s s i o n o f t h e h u m a n will t o s o m e t h i n g h i g h e r t h a n itself. " G o d
i s l i g h t , G o d i s love, G o d i s t r u t h . " P e o p l e n e e d n o t b e b e l i e v e r s
in G o d , b u t if they are to be healthy, they m u s t submit t h e m -
selves t o t h e s e a t t r i b u t e s o f G o d .
Submission to the light m i g h t be defined as submission to
the choice of consciousness a n d hence, sight—both external
sight a n d , particularly, insight. T h e n t h e r e is t h e c h o i c e of
w h e t h e r t o s u b m i t t o love o r n o t — t h a t is, t h e d e c i s i o n w h e t h e r
t o e x t e n d o r n o t e x t e n d oneself. T h i s i s n o t s i m p l i s t i c . L o v e i s
o f t e n very s u b t l e a n d m y s t e r i o u s . In The Road Less Traveled, I d e -
f i n e d love a s t h e will t o e x t e n d o n e s e l f f o r t h e p u r p o s e o f n u r -
t u r i n g one's own or a n o t h e r ' s spiritual growth. This definition
i s a n a c k n o w l e d g m e n t t h a t love i s far b r o a d e r t h a n r o m a n c e ,
m a r r i a g e , o r p a r e n t i n g . M o n k s a n d n u n s , for e x a m p l e , d o n ' t
h a v e t h o s e , b u t m a n y a r e g r e a t lovers i n t h e t r u e s e n s e o f t h e
word.
T h e r e a r e n u m e r o u s p a r a d o x e s r e l a t e d t o love t h a t test t h e
myths a n d c o m m o n thinking in o u r culture. In the section on
love in The Road Less Traveled, I f o u n d I h a d to b e g i n by s p e a k -
i n g o f all t h e t h i n g s t h a t g e n u i n e love i s not ( s u c h a s r o m a n c e )
in o r d e r to c o m b a t o u r cultural stereotypes. For instance, we
h a v e all b e e n t o l d t h a t it's b e t t e r t o give t h a n t o r e c e i v e . I b e -
lieve i t w o u l d b e m o r e a p p r o p r i a t e t o say t h a t it's j u s t a s g o o d t o
r e c e i v e as it is to give. Yet m a n y h a v e n e u r o t i c g u i l t o v e r t h i s is-
s u e a n d feel c o m p e l l e d t o live u p t o c u l t u r a l o r r e l i g i o u s i d e a l s
a b o u t c h a r i t y t h a t p o t e n t i a l l y p r o m o t e m o r e b i t t e r n e s s a n d fric-
tion t h a n love in t h e t r u e sense.
O n e reason p e o p l e have a h a r d time receiving is that they
feel m a n i p u l a t e d , a s i f t h e y will f o r e v e r o w e s o m e o n e . I n t h e
e a r l i e r y e a r s o f o u r m a r r i a g e Lily a n d I m a i n t a i n e d w h a t w e
c a m e to call a g u i l t b a n k . W h e n e v e r I d i d s o m e t h i n g f o r Lily,
that m e a n t I h a d m o n e y in t h e guilt b a n k . W h e n she did s o m e -
t h i n g for m e , m y a c c o u n t (my w o r t h ) d r o p p e d . Like m a n y cou-
p l e s , i t t o o k u s y e a r s t o l e a r n o u r s e l v e s o u t o f this silliness. F o r
s o m e p e o p l e , it's e v e n o b l i g a t o r y t o d i s c o u n t a n y c o m p l i m e n t s
o r g o o d news d u e t o u p b r i n g i n g a n d c u l t u r e . T h e inability t o
r e c e i v e love is a l m o s t as d e s t r u c t i v e as t h e i n a b i l i t y to give it.
We h a v e also b e e n t a u g h t t h a t "love is g e n t l e , love is k i n d " —
a n d yet t h e r e a r e times w h e n we m u s t display w h a t is called
t o u g h love. L o v e i s o f t e n a m b i g u o u s ; s o m e t i m e s i t r e q u i r e s t e n -
d e r n e s s a n d s o m e t i m e s i t r e q u i r e s b e i n g s t e r n . T h e reality i s
t h a t w e c a n n o t love well i f w e a r e c o n s t a n t l y e x t e n d i n g o u r -
selves t o o t h e r s a n d n o t n u r t u r i n g o u r s e l v e s . S u b m i s s i o n t o love
d o e s n o t m e a n b e i n g a d o o r m a t . J u s t a s t h r o u g h o u t o u r lives w e
m u s t c h o o s e w h a t is a n d w h a t is n o t o u r responsibility, so we
m u s t a l s o c h o o s e , e v e n i f w e a r e s u b m i t t e d t o love, w h e n t o love
o t h e r s a n d w h e n t o love o u r s e l v e s .
I b e l i e v e t h e key o f l o v i n g i s t o w o r k o n oneself. W e c a n ' t
b e g i n t o love o t h e r s well u n t i l w e lovingly w o r k o n o u r s e l v e s . I n
m a n y r e l a t i o n s h i p s , y o u will f i n d p e o p l e t r y i n g t o h e a l a n d c o n -
v e r t e a c h o t h e r i n t h e n a m e o f love. O u r a t t e m p t s t o h e a l a n d
c o n v e r t a n o t h e r a r e u s u a l l y selfish, c o n t r o l l i n g , a n d n o n l o v i n g
d e s p i t e all t h e ways w e m i g h t t h i n k o t h e r w i s e . A g a i n , o v e r t h e
y e a r s o f o u r o w n m a r r i a g e , Lily a n d I h a d t o w o r k q u i t e h a r d o n
h e a l i n g ourselves o f o u r n e e d t o c h a n g e e a c h o t h e r t o arrive a t
t h a t k i n d o f love w h i c h c o m b i n e s a c c e p t a n c e a n d u n d e r s t a n d -
ing.
Because of cultural indoctrination, many people equate
love w i t h d o i n g : t h e y feel t h e y h a v e t o d o s o m e t h i n g s i m p l y b e -
cause of their own or others' expectations. T h e paradox is that
many times just doing nothing—just being w h o you are rather
t h a n constantly focusing on what you do—is the m o r e loving
a p p r o a c h . F o r e x a m p l e , n o t h i n g i s m o r e f u n f o r m e t h a n dis-
c u s s i n g t h e o l o g y , b u t o n e o f t h e l o v i n g t h i n g s I d i d was r e f r a i n
from talking to my children m u c h about theology because it
w o u l d h a v e b e e n p r e a c h i n g t o t h e m i n a way t h a t was i n t r u s i v e .
I n m y n o v e l The Friendly Snowflake, t h e p r e t e e n J e n n y asks h e r
f a t h e r i f h e b e l i e v e s i n a n afterlife. H i s r e p l y i s " T h e r e a r e cer-
tain questions so i m p o r t a n t that p e o p l e o u g h t to figure o u t the
a n s w e r f o r t h e m s e l v e s . " I n this c a s e , h i s w i t h h o l d i n g o f h i s o p i n -
i o n was a v e r y l o v i n g a n d r e s p e c t f u l a c t t o w a r d h i s d a u g h t e r .
A n d then there is the matter of submission to truth, which
i s far m o r e c o m p l e x a n d d e m a n d i n g t h a n m e r e l y a c c e p t i n g
scientifically p r o v e n facts o r f o l l o w i n g t h e scientific m e t h o d i n
a l a b o r a t o r y . In The Road Less Traveled, I listed d e d i c a t i o n to r e -
a l i t y — t o t h e t r u t h — a s o n e o f t h e f o u r b a s i c d i s c i p l i n e s o f living
well. S p e a k i n g o f this d i s c i p l i n e , I n o t e d t h a t o c c a s i o n a l l y with-
h o l d i n g a p o r t i o n of t h e t r u t h may be t h e loving t h i n g to d o .
B u t e v e n this tiny b i t o f " f u d g i n g " w i t h t h e t r u t h i s s o p o t e n t i a l l y
d a n g e r o u s t h a t I felt c o m p e l l e d t o offer s t r i n g e n t c r i t e r i a f o r
t h o s e relatively few t i m e s w h e n t h e t e l l i n g o f little w h i t e lies
m i g h t b e p e r m i s s i b l e . T h e fact i s t h a t w i t h h o l d i n g a key p i e c e o f
t r u t h from o t h e r s is often at least as deceptive as an o u t r i g h t
b l a c k lie. S u c h l y i n g i s n o t j u s t u n l o v i n g ; i t i s u l t i m a t e l y h a t e f u l .
Every i n s t a n c e o f i t a d d s t o t h e d a r k n e s s a n d c o n f u s i o n i n t h e
world. Conversely, s p e a k i n g t h e truth—particularly w h e n it re-
q u i r e s s o m e risk t o d o s o — i s a n a c t o f love. I t d i m i n i s h e s t h e
darkness a n d confusion, increasing the light the world so des-

perately needs.
W h e n w e lie, w e a r e u s u a l l y a t t e m p t i n g t o a v o i d r e s p o n s i -
bility f o r o u r a c t i o n s a n d w h a t w e i m a g i n e t o b e t h e i r p a i n f u l
c o n s e q u e n c e s . I am forever grateful to my p a r e n t s for t e a c h i n g
me d u r i n g childhood a most pithy a n d powerful expression:
"face t h e m u s i c . " M e a n i n g , face u p t o t h e c o n s e q u e n c e s ; d o n ' t
c o v e r u p ; d o n ' t lie; live i n t h e l i g h t . W h i l e t h e m e a n i n g i s clear,
it only occurs to me n o w t h a t it is a s o m e w h a t strange expres-
sion. W h y "music"? W h y s h o u l d facing u p t o s o m e t h i n g p o t e n -
tially p a i n f u l b e c a l l e d f a c i n g m u s i c w h e n w e n o r m a l l y t h i n k o f
m u s i c a s p l e a s u r a b l e a n d lovely? I d o n ' t k n o w . I d o n ' t k n o w h o w
the expression originated. But perhaps the choice of word is
d e e p a n d mystically a p p r o p r i a t e . F o r w h e n w e d o s u b m i t o u r -
selves t o t h e d i c t a t e s o f h o n e s t y , w e a r e i n h a r m o n y w i t h reality,
a n d o u r lives, a l t h o u g h n e v e r p a i n l e s s , will b e c o m e i n c r e a s i n g l y
melodic.
I h a v e b e e n s p e a k i n g o f t h e c h o i c e f o r t r u t h a s i f lying w e r e
s o m e t h i n g w e primarily d o t o o t h e r s . N o t so. O u r even g r e a t e r
proclivity i s f o r lying t o o u r s e l v e s . O f c o u r s e t h e two t y p e s o f dis-
h o n e s t y f e e d off e a c h o t h e r i n a n e v e r - e s c a l a t i n g o r g y o f d e c e p -
tion. But while we can deceive s o m e of the p e o p l e s o m e of the
time, o u r capacity for self-deception is potentially u n l i m i t e d as
l o n g a s w e a r e willing t o p a y t h e p r i c e o f evil o r insanity. A n d
t h e s e a r e u l t i m a t e l y t h e costs. S e l f - d e c e p t i o n i s n o t a m a t t e r o f
b e i n g k i n d o r g e n t l e w i t h oneself; o n t h e c o n t r a r y , i t i s a s h a t e -
ful a s l y i n g t o o t h e r s , a n d f o r t h e s a m e r e a s o n : i t a d d s t o t h e
d a r k n e s s a n d c o n f u s i o n o f t h e self, a u g m e n t i n g t h e S h a d o w
layer b y layer. C o n v e r s e l y , t h e c h o i c e t o b e h o n e s t w i t h o n e s e l f
i s t h e c h o i c e f o r p s y c h o s p i r i t u a l h e a l t h a n d , t h e r e f o r e , t h e sin-
gle m o s t l o v i n g c h o i c e w e c a n e v e r m a k e f o r o u r s e l v e s .
I n t h e r e a l m o f p e r s o n a l belief, w e a r e f a c e d w i t h m a n y
c o m p l e x choices, a n d the certainties of science c a n n o t readily
be relied u p o n . If we choose to believe s o m e t h i n g is true, is it
t h e r e f o r e t r u e ? I f so, s u b m i t t i n g t o t h e t r u t h w o u l d b e n o t h i n g
m o r e t h a n submitting to ourselves. Since G o d is synonymous
with t r u t h , i n c h o o s i n g t o s u b m i t t o G o d w e a r e s u b m i t t i n g t o a
t r u t h h i g h e r t h a n o u r s e l v e s . In People of the Lie, I w r o t e t h a t s i n c e

we are e n d o w e d with t h e f r e e d o m to c h o o s e , we can s u b m i t to
t h e w r o n g t h i n g s . I a l s o e x p l a i n e d t h a t t h e r e a r e o n l y two s t a t e s
o f b e i n g : s u b m i s s i o n t o G o d a n d g o o d n e s s , o r t h e refusal t o
s u b m i t t o a n y t h i n g b e y o n d o n e ' s will, w h i c h a u t o m a t i c a l l y e n -
slaves o n e t o t h e f o r c e s o f evil, t o " t h e F a t h e r o f L i e s . " A n d I
q u o t e d C . S . Lewis: " T h e r e i s n o n e u t r a l g r o u n d i n t h e u n i v e r s e :
e v e r y s q u a r e i n c h , e v e r y split s e c o n d i s c l a i m e d b y G o d a n d
c o u n t e r c l a i m e d b y S a t a n . " P e r h a p s w e m a y feel t h a t w e c a n
s t a n d e x a c t l y b e t w e e n G o d a n d t h e devil, u n c o m m i t t e d e i t h e r
t o g o o d n e s s o r t o evil. B u t " N o t t o c h o o s e i s t o c h o o s e . " F e n c e -
straddling eventually b e c o m e s intolerable a n d the choice of un-
submission is ultimately invalid.
CHOICES OF VOCATION
To m o s t p e o p l e , "vocation" simply m e a n s w h a t o n e d o e s for a

living, o n e ' s o c c u p a t i o n o r c a r e e r . T h e s e c u l a r d e f i n i t i o n o f "vo-
c a t i o n " u s u a l l y i m p l i e s o n l y i n c o m e - p r o d u c i n g activity. T h e r e -
l i g i o u s d e f i n i t i o n , h o w e v e r , i s m o r e l i t e r a l a n d y e t far m o r e
c o m p l e x . " V o c a t i o n " literally m e a n s c a l l i n g . T h e r e l i g i o u s m e a n -
ing of "vocation," therefore, is what o n e is called to d o , which
may or may n o t coincide with o n e ' s occupation, with w h a t o n e
is a c t u a l l y d o i n g .
I n this s e n s e v o c a t i o n i m p l i e s a r e l a t i o n s h i p . F o r i f s o m e -
o n e is called, s o m e t h i n g m u s t be d o i n g t h e calling. I believe
this s o m e t h i n g i s G o d . G o d calls u s h u m a n b e i n g s — w h e t h e r
s k e p t i c s o r b e l i e v e r s , w h e t h e r C h r i s t i a n o r n o t — t o c e r t a i n , of-
t e n very specific activities. F u r t h e r m o r e , s i n c e G o d r e l a t e s w i t h
us as individuals, this m a t t e r of calling is utterly individualized.
W h a t G o d calls m e t o d o i s n o t a t all n e c e s s a r i l y w h a t G o d i s call-
ing you to do.
It is quite obvious that while o n e p e r s o n may be called to
be a h o m e m a k e r , a n o t h e r m a y be c a l l e d to be a lawyer, a scientist,
or an advertising executive. T h e r e are different kinds of career
c a l l i n g s ; f o r m a n y p e o p l e , t h e r e a r e s e q u e n t i a l c a l l i n g s . Midlife
is o f t e n a t i m e w h e n t h e r e is a c h a n g e in c a r e e r . B u t w h a t is less
o b v i o u s a r e t h e s p i r i t u a l a n d e t h i c a l issues r e l e v a n t t o o n e ' s vo-
c a t i o n , c a u s e , o r p r o d u c t . A s a scientist, a m I c a l l e d t o w o r k o n
w e a p o n s d e v e l o p m e n t ? A s a lawyer, a m I c a l l e d t o d e f e n d s o m e -
o n e I s u s p e c t is guilty? As a g y n e c o l o g i s t , do I or do I n o t p e r -
form abortions?
Just as s o m e discover that certain aspects of their vocation
d o n o t fit o r feel r i g h t t o t h e m , o t h e r s s p e n d y e a r s — e v e n a life-
t i m e — f l e e i n g t h e i r t r u e v o c a t i o n . A forty-year-old s e r g e a n t m a -
j o r in the A r m y o n c e consulted me for a mild depression that
h e a s c r i b e d t o his r e a s s i g n m e n t t o G e r m a n y , u p c o m i n g i n t w o
w e e k s . H e a n d h i s family w e r e sick a n d t i r e d o f m o v i n g , h e
c l a i m e d . I t was u n u s u a l for t o p - r a n k i n g e n l i s t e d m e n ( o r offi-
cers) to seek psychiatric consultation, especially for s u c h a mi-
n o r c o n d i t i o n . S e v e r a l o t h e r t h i n g s w e r e also e x t r a o r d i n a r y
a b o u t this m a n . P e o p l e d o n o t g e t t o b e s e r g e a n t s m a j o r w i t h -
out considerable intelligence and competence, b u t my patient
e x u d e d wit a n d g e n t i l i t y a s well. S o m e h o w I was n o t s u r p r i s e d t o
l e a r n t h a t p a i n t i n g was h i s h o b b y . H e s t r u c k m e a s b e i n g artis-
tic. A f t e r h e t o l d m e h e h a d b e e n i n t h e s e r v i c e f o r twenty-two
years, I asked h i m , "Since y o u ' r e so fed up with m o v i n g , why
d o n ' t you retire?"
" I w o u l d n ' t k n o w w h a t t o d o w i t h myself," h e r e p l i e d .
'You could paint as m u c h as you wanted," I suggested.
" N o , t h a t ' s j u s t a h o b b y , " h e said. "It's n o t s o m e t h i n g I
c o u l d m a k e a living at."
H a v i n g n o i d e a o f h i s t a l e n t , I was n o t i n a p o s i t i o n t o r e b u t
h i m o n t h a t s c o r e , b u t t h e r e w e r e o t h e r ways t o p r o b e h i s resis-
tance. ' Y o u ' r e an obviously intelligent m a n with a fine track
r e c o r d , " I c o u n t e r e d . ' Y o u c o u l d g e t lots o f g o o d j o b s . "
" I h a v e n ' t b e e n t o c o l l e g e , " h e said, " a n d I ' m n o t c u t o u t
for s e l l i n g i n s u r a n c e . " A t t h e s u g g e s t i o n t h a t h e c o n s i d e r g o i n g
b a c k t o c o l l e g e a n d live o n h i s r e t i r e m e n t pay, h e r e s p o n d e d :
" N o , I ' m t o o o l d . I w o u l d n ' t feel r i g h t a r o u n d a b u n c h o f k i d s . "
I r e q u e s t e d t h a t he b r i n g samples of his m o s t r e c e n t paint-
ings t o o u r n e x t a p p o i n t m e n t t h e following week. H e b r o u g h t

two, a n oil a n d a w a t e r c o l o r . B o t h w e r e m a g n i f i c e n t . T h e y w e r e
m o d e r n , imaginative, even flamboyant, with an extraordinarily
effective u s e o f s h a p e , s h a d e , a n d color. W h e n I i n q u i r e d , h e
s a i d t h a t h e d i d t h r e e o r f o u r p a i n t i n g s a y e a r b u t n e v e r at-
t e m p t e d t o sell a n y o f t h e m , o n l y gave t h e m away t o f r i e n d s .
" L o o k , " I said, " y o u ' v e g o t r e a l t a l e n t . I k n o w it's a c o m p e t -
itive field, b u t t h e s e a r e s a l a b l e . P a i n t i n g o u g h t t o b e m o r e t h a n
j u s t a h o b b y for you."
"Talent's a subjective j u d g m e n t , " he d e m u r r e d .
"So I ' m t h e o n l y o n e w h o ' s e v e r t o l d y o u y o u h a v e r e a l tal-
ent?"
" N o , b u t i f y o u k e e p l o o k i n g u p i n t h e sky, y o u r f e e t a r e
b o u n d to stumble."
I t h e n told h i m it s e e m e d obvious that he h a d a p r o b l e m
with u n d e r a c h i e v e m e n t , p r o b a b l y r o o t e d in fear of failure, or
fear of success, or b o t h . I offered to o b t a i n for h i m a m e d i c a l re-
l e a s e f r o m h i s a s s i g n m e n t s o t h a t h e c o u l d stay o n p o s t f o r u s t o
w o r k t o g e t h e r e x p l o r i n g t h e r o o t s o f h i s p r o b l e m . B u t h e was
a d a m a n t t h a t i t was h i s " d u t y " t o p r o c e e d t o G e r m a n y . I a d v i s e d
h i m how to get psychotherapy over there, b u t I d o u b t he took
m y a d v i c e . I s u s p e c t h i s r e s i s t a n c e t o h i s o b v i o u s v o c a t i o n was s o
g r e a t t h a t h e w o u l d n e v e r follow t h e call n o m a t t e r h o w c l e a r o r
loud.
G i v e n o u r f r e e will, w e h a v e a c h o i c e t o r e f u s e t o h e e d
G o d ' s c a l l i n g f o r u s . T h e fact t h a t w e h a v e a v o c a t i o n d o e s n ' t
n e c e s s a r i l y m e a n t h a t w e will follow it. C o n v e r s e l y , t h e fact t h a t
we w a n t to do s o m e t h i n g — o r even have a talent for i t — d o e s n ' t
necessarily m e a n it is w h a t G o d wants us to d o .
S o m e p e o p l e h a v e a c a l l i n g t o m a r r i a g e a n d family life;
o t h e r s h a v e a c a l l i n g t o s i n g l e o r e v e n m o n a s t i c life. W h e t h e r
o n e b e l i e v e s i n fate o r n o t , t h e e m b r a c e o f a c a l l i n g o f t e n c o m e s
o n l y after m u c h a m b i v a l e n c e . O n e w o m a n initially e x p e r i e n c e d
agonizing uncertainty w h e n faced with the prospect of parent-
h o o d after s h e h a d a l r e a d y e s t a b l i s h e d h e r c a r e e r a n d h a d sev-
e r a l p r o f e s s i o n a l o p t i o n s w i t h two c o l l e g e d e g r e e s i n d i f f e r e n t
fields. A t t h e a g e o f t h i r t y - t h r e e s h e b e c a m e p r e g n a n t — a n d
a l s o open t o t h e p r o s p e c t o f m o t h e r h o o d — f o r t h e first t i m e .
" B e f o r e , I n e v e r c o u l d p i c t u r e myself t i e d d o w n t o a n y o n e — n o t
o n e m a n a n d certainly n o t the lifelong c o m m i t m e n t to a child,"
she told m e . "I h a d vigorously rebelled against t h e idea of b e i n g
r e s p o n s i b l e for t h e l o n g - t e r m well-being o f a n y o n e o t h e r t h a n
myself. I h a d b e c o m e a d d i c t e d t o t h e ' f r e e d o m ' o f u n c o m m i t -
m e n t , t o living a c c o r d i n g t o m y o w n w h i m s a n d d e s i r e s . I d i d n ' t
w a n t t o b e d e p e n d e n t o n a n y o n e else a n d d i d n ' t w a n t a n y o n e
dependent on me."
T h r o u g h h e r o p e n n e s s a n d willingness t o v e n t u r e t h r o u g h
u n c e r t a i n t y a n d d o u b t , s h e slowly e m e r g e d w i t h a n e w s e n s e o f
herself. " I f o u n d myself b e i n g p r i e d i n t o ' g i v i n g u p ' m y totally
i n d e p e n d e n t lifestyle a n d b e g a n l e a r n i n g t o like t h e i d e a o f in-
t e r d e p e n d e n c e t h a t m a d e r o o m for m y m a t e a n d child," s h e
said. " T h e n I c o u l d n ' t i m a g i n e n o t h a v i n g t h e c h i l d . I c a n ' t
q u i t e p u t m y f i n g e r o n this f o r c e t h a t p u s h e d m e t o w a r d ac-
c e p t i n g this n e w i m a g e o f myself a s a m o t h e r a n d a c o m m i t t e d
p a r t n e r . B u t s o m e h o w , w h e n I f i n a l l y s t o p p e d r e s i s t i n g it, I b e -
c a m e t r a n s f o r m e d i n a way t h a t felt j u s t r i g h t . "
It is clear that while t h e fulfillment of a vocation d o e s n o t
g u a r a n t e e h a p p i n e s s — a s in t h e case of t h e t o r t u r e d artist van
G o g h — i t d o e s o f t e n set t h e s t a g e f o r t h e p e a c e o f m i n d t h a t
m a y r e s u l t f r o m fulfillment. It is t h e r e f o r e f r e q u e n t l y a p l e a s u r e
t o w i t n e s s a h u m a n b e i n g d o i n g w h a t s h e o r h e was m e a n t t o
d o . W e d e l i g h t w h e n w e s e e a p a r e n t w h o t r u l y loves t a k i n g c a r e
of c h i l d r e n . T h e r e is s u c h a s e n s e of fit. Conversely, t h e r e is al-
ways a s e n s e o f dis-ease w h e n w e s e e p e o p l e w h o s e w o r k a n d
lifestyles d o n o t f i t t h e i r v o c a t i o n s . I t s e e m s s u c h a s h a m e , a
waste. I believe G o d ' s u n i q u e vocation for e a c h of us invariably
calls u s t o p e r s o n a l s u c c e s s , b u t n o t n e c e s s a r i l y i n t h e w o r l d ' s
stereotypical t e r m s or m e a n s of m e a s u r i n g success. I have s e e n
w o m e n w h o m a r r i e d i n t o g r e a t wealth, for instance, w h o w o u l d
b e c o n s i d e r e d successful i n t h e w o r l d ' s t e r m s , w h o s e j e w e l s a n d
p o s i t i o n w e r e t h e e n v y o f m u l t i t u d e s , b u t w h o lived i n d e s p a i r
because they were never called to marriage in t h e first place.
T H E CHOICE OF GRATITUDE
A d e c a d e a g o , I r e c e i v e d two c h e c k s , o n e i n p a y m e n t b y c o n -
t r a c t for a l e c t u r e I h a d g i v e n a n d t h e o t h e r a n u n a s k e d - f o r ,
u n a n t i c i p a t e d d o n a t i o n for FCE. I generally s u p p o r t t h e ex-
p r e s s i o n " T h e r e ' s n o s u c h t h i n g a s a f r e e l u n c h . " B u t t h i s was
o n e of t h o s e m o m e n t s of e x c e p t i o n w h e n I sat with an e a r n e d
m e a l o n o n e k n e e a n d a d e l i c i o u s , s u r p r i s i n g gift o n t h e o t h e r .
F o r w h i c h d o y o u s u p p o s e I was t h e m o r e g r a t e f u l ?
I t i s easy t o t a k e a l o t f o r g r a n t e d — i n c l u d i n g g o o d l u c k
a n d u n e x p e c t e d gifts—in t h i s life. I n d e e d , i n t h i s r e m a r k a b l y
secular age, we are actually e n c o u r a g e d to t h i n k in t e r m s of
l u c k , a s i f g o o d f o r t u n e h a s n o m o r e m e a n i n g t h a n a roll o f t h e
dice. We imagine everything to be a matter of m e r e accident or
chance, assuming that g o o d luck a n d bad luck are equal, that
they balance out a n d a d d up to zero or nothing. This attitude
easily l e a d s t o t h e p h i l o s o p h y o f d e s p a i r c a l l e d n i h i l i s m ( d e -
r i v e d f r o m nihil, t h e L a t i n w o r d f o r " n o t h i n g " ) . W h e n i t i s
b r o u g h t t o its l o g i c a l c o n c l u s i o n , n i h i l i s m u l t i m a t e l y h o l d s t h a t
t h e r e is n o t h i n g of any worth.
Yet t h e r e i s a n o t h e r way t o l o o k a t g o o d l u c k a n d u n e x -
p e c t e d gifts. T h i s t h e o r y p o s i t s a s u p e r h u m a n giver, G o d , w h o
likes t o give gifts t o h u m a n c r e a t u r e s b e c a u s e H e p a r t i c u l a r l y
loves u s . W h e t h e r t h i s G o d h a s a n y t h i n g t o d o w i t h t h e d o w n -
p o u r s i n o u r lives i s u n c e r t a i n , a l t h o u g h i n r e t r o s p e c t t h e y of-
ten seem to have b e e n blessings in disguise. As to those things
t h a t a r e r e c o g n i z a b l e gifts, s o m e o f u s s e e a p a t t e r n o f b e n e f i -
c e n c e t o t h e m far g r e a t e r a n d m o r e c o n s t a n t t h a n a n y p a t t e r n
o f m i s f o r t u n e . F o r this b e n e f i c e n t p a t t e r n o f gift-giving w e h a v e
a n a m e : g r a c e . If s o m e t h i n g is e a r n e d it is n o t a t r u e gift. G r a c e ,
however, is u n e a r n e d . It is free. It is gratis. T h e w o r d s grace,
g r a t i s , a n d g r a t i t u d e flow i n t o o n e a n o t h e r . I f y o u p e r c e i v e
g r a c e , y o u will n a t u r a l l y feel g r a t e f u l .
A story told to me by a f a m o u s p r e a c h e r involved a y o u n g
Yankee w h o , on a business trip, h a d to drive t h r o u g h the S o u t h
f o r t h e f i r s t t i m e i n h i s life. H e h a d d r i v e n all n i g h t a n d was i n a
h u r r y . B y t h e t i m e h e a r r i v e d i n S o u t h C a r o l i n a , h e was really
hungry. S t o p p i n g at a roadside diner, he o r d e r e d a breakfast of
s c r a m b l e d e g g s a n d s a u s a g e , a n d was t a k e n b y s u r p r i s e w h e n h i s
o r d e r c a m e b a c k a n d t h e r e was a w h i t e b l o b o f s o m e t h i n g o n
the plate.
" W h a t ' s t h a t ? " h e a s k e d t h e waitress.
" T h e m ' s grits, s u h , " s h e r e p l i e d i n h e r s t r o n g s o u t h e r n a c -
cent.
" B u t I d i d n ' t o r d e r t h e m , " h e said.
' Y o u d o n ' t o r d e r grits," s h e r e s p o n d e d . " T h e y j u s t c o m e . "
A n d t h a t , said t h e p r e a c h e r , i s very m u c h like g r a c e . You
d o n ' t o r d e r it. I t j u s t c o m e s .
I n m y e x p e r i e n c e , t h e ability t o a p p r e c i a t e p l e a s a n t sur-
p r i s e s a s gifts t e n d s t o b e g o o d f o r o n e ' s m e n t a l h e a l t h . T h o s e
w h o p e r c e i v e g r a c e i n t h e w o r l d a r e m o r e likely t o b e g r a t e f u l
t h a n t h o s e w h o d o n ' t . A n d g r a t e f u l p e o p l e a r e m o r e likely t o b e
h a p p y t h a n u n g r a t e f u l o n e s . T h e y a r e also m o r e likely t o m a k e
o t h e r s h a p p y . F e e l i n g g i v e n t o b y t h e w o r l d , t h e y feel p r e d i s -
p o s e d t o give b a c k t o t h e w o r l d .
W h y d o s o m e p e o p l e have s u c h obviously grateful h e a r t s
w h i l e o t h e r s h a v e d i s t i n c t l y u n g r a t e f u l o n e s ? A n d w h y d o still
o t h e r s fall i n b e t w e e n , s e e m i n g relatively b l a n d i n b o t h t h e i r
g r a t i t u d e a n d t h e i r r e s e n t m e n t ? I d o n ' t k n o w . I t w o u l d b e sim-
p l e t o b e l i e v e t h a t c h i l d r e n f r o m n u r t u r i n g h o m e s will a u t o -
matically grow u p t o b e grateful adults, a n d t h a t d e p r i v e d
h o m e s regularly t u r n o u t malcontents. T h e p r o b l e m is there's
n o t m u c h e v i d e n c e t o s u p p o r t this. E x c e p t i o n s a b o u n d . I've
k n o w n m a n y w h o w e r e r a i s e d i n t h e m i d s t o f n e g l e c t , poverty,
a n d e v e n b r u t a l i t y w h o s e e m e d t o q u i t e n a t u r a l l y live t h e i r a d u l t
lives p r a i s i n g t h e L o r d , o r a t least p r a i s i n g life itself. C o n v e r s e l y ,
I've k n o w n a few f r o m h o m e s o f love a n d c o m f o r t w h o s e e m e d
b o r n ingrates. A grateful h e a r t is a mysterious thing, a n d m a y
even be genetic in origin.
So an "attitude of gratitude" may n o t entirely be a matter
of c h o i c e . I n d e e d , it is my b e l i e f t h a t a g r a t e f u l h e a r t is itself a
gift. In o t h e r w o r d s , t h e c a p a c i t y to a p p r e c i a t e gifts is a gift. It is
also t h e g r e a t e s t b l e s s i n g a h u m a n b e i n g m a y p o s s e s s o t h e r
t h a n a s t r o n g will. B u t t h a t d o e s n ' t m e a n t h a t a g r a t e f u l h e a r t
cannot be nurtured by choice.
I o n c e s u p e r v i s e d a lay t h e r a p i s t in h i s w o r k w i t h a m a n in
his forties, w h o h a d c o m e t o see h i m b e c a u s e o f c h r o n i c d e -
p r e s s i o n . A s d e p r e s s i o n s g o , h i s was r a t h e r m i l d . P e r h a p s a
m o r e a c c u r a t e d e s c r i p t i o n o f t h e p a t i e n t ' s c o n d i t i o n was dys-
p e p s i a , a n o l d - f a s h i o n e d lay t e r m f o r i n d i g e s t i o n . I t was a s i f t h e
w h o l e world gave h i m indigestion a n d m a d e h i m w a n t t o b u r p
a n d b e l c h . N o t m u c h c h a n g e d in his disposition for q u i t e a
w h i l e . T o w a r d t h e e n d o f t h e s e c o n d year, h o w e v e r , t h e t h e r a -
pist I was s u p e r v i s i n g t o l d m e , "At t h e last s e s s i o n , m y c l i e n t
c a m e h e r e v e r y e x c i t e d . H e was e x c l a i m i n g a t t h e b e a u t y o f a
s u n s e t h e ' d s e e n w h i l e d r i v i n g o v e r t h e hills."
"Congratulations!" I responded.
"What do you m e a n ? " he asked.
' Y o u r p a t i e n t ' s o v e r t h e h u m p , " I said. " H e ' s g e t t i n g b e t t e r
rapidly. It's t h e f i r s t t i m e I've h e a r d t h a t this m a n t o o k a n y d e -
l i g h t i n life. H e ' s n o t s o a b s o r b e d i n n e g a t i v i t y o r s o self-focused
t h a t h e c o u l d n ' t n o t i c e b e a u t y a r o u n d h i m a n d b e g r a t e f u l for
it. T h i s r e p r e s e n t s a n e x t r a o r d i n a r y shift." I l a t e r l e a r n e d t h a t
m y p r e d i c t i o n was o n t a r g e t . W i t h i n a few m o n t h s , t h e p a t i e n t
was basically b e h a v i n g like a n e w m a n , h i s t h e r a p i s t r e p o r t e d .
I n d e e d , h o w o n e r e s p o n d s t o adversity a n d g o o d o r b a d
l u c k m a y b e o n e o f t h e t r u e s t m e a s u r e s o f o u r ability t o g r o w
into gratefulness. We can look at s o m e b a d luck as a blessing in
disguise. We can also m a i n t a i n a sense of humility a n d n o t take
g o o d luck for g r a n t e d . D o w e c o m p l a i n a b o u t h o w b a d t h e
weather is most of the time or can we learn to appreciate the
b e a u t y a n d diversity o f w e a t h e r a s a gift t o us? I f w e a r e s t u c k i n
a traffic j a m o n a b l u s t e r y w i n t e r day, d o w e sit a n d stew, e v e n
want to chew o u t t h e drivers a h e a d of us, or do we c o n c e n t r a t e
o n t h e fact t h a t w e a r e b l e s s e d t o h a v e a c a r i n t h e m i d s t o f a
snowstorm? Are we inclined to complain a b o u t o u r j o b s rather
t h a n w o r k o n ways t o i m p r o v e o u r skills?
W h e n I was a c h i l d a f r i e n d of my f a t h e r ' s gave me a n u m -
b e r o f H o r a t i o Alger, Jr., b o o k s t h a t w e r e a l r e a d y o u t o f p r i n t . I
d e v o u r e d t h e m . T h e b o o k s ' h e r o e s w e r e grateful for w h a t they

g o t . T h e y d i d n ' t c o m p l a i n a b o u t adversity, b u t a c t e d a l m o s t a s i f
it were an opportunity instead of a curse to t h e m . Reading
t h o s e b o o k s i n c h i l d h o o d was, I s u s p e c t , a p r o f o u n d l y p o s i t i v e
i n f l u e n c e i n m y y o u n g life. I w o r r y a b o u t o u r s o c i e t y t h e s e days
w h e n such books are n o t only o u t of print but, by many,
d e e m e d corny.
T H E C H O I C E T O DIE GRACEFULLY
T h e f i n a l c h o i c e o f o u r lives o n t h i s e a r t h i s w h e t h e r o r n o t w e
g o o u t i n style. F o r it's n o t a m a t t e r o f w h e t h e r t o d i e b u t h o w .
W e h a v e a l i f e t i m e t o p r e p a r e . U n f o r t u n a t e l y , t h e d e n i a l o f ag-
ing in o u r culture goes hand-in-glove with t h e denial of d e a t h .
F o r m a n y , this d e n i a l c i r c u m v e n t s t h e g r e a t e s t l e a r n i n g o f o l d
a g e : h o w t o a c c e p t limits. O u r c u l t u r e s u g g e s t s t h a t t h e r e a r e n o
l i m i t s — a n d f u r t h e r m o r e , s e e m s t o s u g g e s t t h a t t h e r e shouldn't
b e any. O f c o u r s e , r e a l life c h a l l e n g e s t h i s n o t i o n o n e v e r y level.
Yet n o - l i m i t s t h i n k i n g i s a t t h e h e a r t o f m u c h o f t e l e v i s i o n a d -
vertising. O n e ad that particularly a n n o y e d me s h o w e d a
w o m a n i n h e r sixties ( w h o , o f c o u r s e , l o o k e d fortyish) p l a y i n g
t e n n i s . T h e m e s s a g e was t h a t b e c a u s e o f s o m e m e d i c i n e s h e
t o o k , h e r a r t h r i t i s d i d n ' t k e e p h e r off t h e c o u r t s . T h e a d c o n -
c l u d e d w i t h a n invisible v o i c e f r o m t h e s i d e l i n e s j o y o u s l y e x -
c l a i m i n g : "Live w i t h o u t limits!"
T h e r e a l i t y i s t h a t w e m u s t live w i t h l i m i t a t i o n s , e v e n f r o m
the time we are young, quite exploratory, a n d generally vibrant.
A s w e a g e , w e face far g r e a t e r l i m i t a t i o n s . W e h a v e b y t h e n m a d e
s o m e choices—such as w h e t h e r to be single or m a r r i e d , to work
or to retire—that exclude other options. If someone becomes
c o n f i n e d to a wheelchair, it w o u l d be foolish for h i m to believe
t h a t h e c a n j u s t h o p o n a n a i r p l a n e easily a n d g o a b o u t b u s i n e s s
as u s u a l .
It would be u n n a t u r a l to welcome aging. A m o d i c u m of de-
p r e s s i o n r e l a t e d t o t h e losses i n h e r e n t i n g r o w i n g o l d — o r fac-
ing any c h a n g e , for t h a t m a t t e r — i s n a t u r a l . But j u s t b e c a u s e it
w o u l d b e u n n a t u r a l t o invite a g i n g d o e s n o t m e a n w e s h o u l d
d e n y t h e r e a l i t i e s o f a g i n g a n d its p a i n f u l p r o c e s s o f s t r i p p i n g
away. A g i n g e v e n t u a l l y involves t h e s t r i p p i n g away o f every-
t h i n g , i n c l u d i n g agility, s e x u a l p o t e n c y , p h y s i c a l b e a u t y , a n d p o -
litical p o w e r . O u r o p t i o n s a n d c h o i c e s b e c o m e e v e r m o r e
l i m i t e d a n d w e a r e c h a l l e n g e d t o l e a r n t o live w i t h t h e s e limita-
tions.
D y i n g , o f c o u r s e , i s t h e f i n a l s t r i p p i n g away. I've h e a r d
m a n y p e o p l e say t h a t "if" t h e y h a v e g o t t o g o — a s i f t h e y really
h a d a choice—they would rather die suddenly. T h e reason that
c a n c e r a n d AIDS are so d r e a d e d is that with such diseases o n e
d i e s slowly. T h e g r a d u a l d e t e r i o r a t i o n involves e x p e r i e n c i n g a
t o t a l loss o f c o n t r o l , a n d f o r m o s t p e o p l e this p r o c e s s i s e q u a t e d
w i t h a loss o f dignity. T h e s e n s e o f i n d i g n i t y i n v o l v e d i n s t r i p -
p i n g away i s very r e a l . B u t a d i s t i n c t i o n c a n b e m a d e b e t w e e n
false d i g n i t y a n d t r u e dignity, a n d t h e r e i s a t r e m e n d o u s differ-
e n c e b e t w e e n t h e responses of t h e e g o a n d those of t h e soul to
t h e p r o c e s s o f d y i n g . O u r e g o s o f t e n c a n ' t b e a r t h e loss o f dig-
nity f r o m w a t c h i n g o u r b o d i e s w a s t e away. T h a t ' s b e c a u s e dig-
nity h a s e v e r y t h i n g t o d o w i t h t h e e g o a n d n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h
t h e s o u l . I n c o n f r o n t i n g t h e c h o i c e t o give u p c o n t r o l , t h e e g o
vigorously rebels despite an inevitable losing battle. T h e soul,
on t h e o t h e r h a n d , welcomes the stripping-away process. We
c a n l e a r n t h a t a s w e give u p c o n t r o l , w e a r e also g i v i n g u p false
dignity, s o t h a t w e m a y d i e g r a c e f u l l y w i t h t r u e dignity.
B y d y i n g gracefully I d o n o t m e a n t a k i n g t h e r o u t e o f e u -
t h a n a s i a . E u t h a n a s i a basically involves t r y i n g t o m a k e s o m e -
t h i n g c l e a n t h a t i s i n h e r e n t l y messy. I t is, i n m y o p i n i o n , a n
a t t e m p t to shortcut the existential a n d legitimate suffering of
d y i n g , t h e r e b y s h o r t c u t t i n g t h e o p p o r t u n i t y for l e a r n i n g a n d
growth. Neither do I m e a n e n g a g i n g in denial. In different
f o r m s o f d e n i a l s o m e p e o p l e r e f u s e t o m a k e o u t wills, c h o o s e
n o t t o t a l k a b o u t t h e i r f e e l i n g s a b o u t d e a t h , o r b l o c k i t o u t al-
together by m a k i n g distant future plans even w h e n they should
know their time is limited. Denial may h e l p ease the pain of be-
i n g c o n s c i o u s o f o n e ' s i n e v i t a b l e d e a t h , b u t i t also k e e p s u s
stuck. It n o t only blocks m e a n i n g f u l c o m m u n i c a t i o n , it also o b -

s t r u c t s all l e a r n i n g t o w a r d life's c l o s e .
T o d i e gracefully, I b e l i e v e , i s t o m a k e t h e c h o i c e t o s e e dy-
ing as a learning opportunity a n d to welcome the stripping
away a s a c l e a n s i n g s o t h a t t h e t r u e d i g n i t y o f t h e s o u l c a n s h i n e
t h r o u g h . In my n o v e l A Bed by the Window, I d e s c r i b e s o m e d y i n g
patients at a nursing h o m e who seem to have haloes a r o u n d
them. This p h e n o m e n o n is not restricted to fiction. Indeed,
m a n y p e o p l e have noticed or h e a r d a b o u t the "lightness"
a r o u n d those w h o have truly w o r k e d t h r o u g h t h e stage of de-
pression a n d arrived at acceptance.
If we a r e willing to do so, we c a n b e c o m e t r a n s f o r m e d —
n o t by bitterness, b u t by humility—as we deal with t h e major
losses t h a t a r e a n i n e v i t a b l e p a r t o f a g i n g a n d t h e j o u r n e y t o -
w a r d d e a t h . P e r h a p s t h e c h o i c e t o die gracefully o c c u r s w h e n
w e f i n a l l y l e a r n a n d a c c e p t t h a t all i s a c c o r d i n g t o h o w i t s h o u l d
b e . W h e t h e r o n e b e l i e v e s i n a n afterlife o r n o t , t o p r o c e e d
gracefully i n t o t h e a r m s of d e a t h is t h e u l t i m a t e a c q u i e s c e n c e to
an abiding conviction—even in the midst of paradoxical uncer-
t a i n t y — t h a t e v e r y a s p e c t o f life c o n t r i b u t e s t o t h e m e a n i n g o f
t h e w h o l e . A n d , also paradoxically, t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t c h o i c e
w e m a k e — t h e c h o i c e t o d i e g r a c e f u l l y — i s t o c h o o s e t o give u p
all c h o i c e s a n d p l a c e o u r s o u l s totally i n t h e h a n d s o f t h e R e a l
Power.
T H E CHOICE OF EMPTINESS
D e a t h is t h e ultimate emptiness. We are terrified of t h e void of

d e a t h e v e n i f w e b e l i e v e w e will c o m e o u t t h e o t h e r s i d e . Yet w e
d o n ' t know what t h e o t h e r s i d e will b e l i k e .
T h e r e a r e m a n y varieties o f e m p t i n e s s , b u t t h e m o s t im-
p o r t a n t ( a n d t h e e a s i e s t t o s p e a k a b o u t w i t h o u t g e t t i n g t o o mys-
tical) i s t h e " e m p t i n e s s o f n o t k n o w i n g . " D e s p i t e living i n a
society t h a t a p p e a r s t o p u s h a "know-it-all" m e n t a l i t y a n d l a b e l
i n c o m p e t e n t t h o s e w h o d o n ' t always s e e m t o b e i n t h e k n o w , w e
still h a v e a c h o i c e t o n o t k n o w w i t h o u t f e e l i n g i n c o m p e t e n t o r
guilty a b o u t it. I n fact, t h e r e a r e t i m e s i n e a c h o f o u r lives w h e n
i t i s n o t o n l y p r o p e r b u t h e a l i n g t o give u p t h i n k i n g w e k n o w all
the answers.
T h e m o s t h e a l i n g e x p e r i e n c e o f m y a d o l e s c e n c e was a gift
by a m a n w h o related to me out of t h e emptiness of n o t know-
ing, a n d w h o served as a wonderfully positive role m o d e l to
b o o t . In A World Waiting to Be Born, I d e s c r i b e d h o w , at t h e a g e
o f f i f t e e n a n d i n t h e m i d d l e o f m y j u n i o r year, I d e c i d e d t o l e a v e
E x e t e r . A s I l o o k b a c k o n t h a t t u r n i n g p o i n t i n m y life, I a m
a m a z e d a t t h e g r a c e t h a t g a v e m e t h e c o u r a g e t o d o it. A f t e r all,
n o t o n l y was I d r o p p i n g o u t o f a p r e s t i g i o u s p r e p s c h o o l a g a i n s t
m y p a r e n t s ' w i s h e s , b u t I was w a l k i n g away f r o m a g o l d e n W A S P
t r a c k t h a t h a d all b e e n laid o u t f o r m e . H a r d l y a w a r e a t t h a t a g e
j u s t w h a t I was d o i n g , I was t a k i n g m y f i r s t g i a n t s t e p o u t o f m y
e n t i r e c u l t u r e . T h a t c u l t u r e o f t h e " e s t a b l i s h m e n t " was w h a t
o n e was s u p p o s e d t o a s p i r e t o , a n d I was t h r o w i n g i t away. A n d
w h e r e was I to g o ? I was f o r g i n g i n t o t h e t o t a l u n k n o w n . I was so
t e r r i f i e d t h a t I t h o u g h t I s h o u l d s e e k t h e a d v i c e o f s o m e o f Ex-
e t e r ' s faculty b e f o r e f i n a l i z i n g s u c h a d r e a d f u l d e c i s i o n . B u t
w h i c h o f t h e faculty?
T h e f i r s t w h o c a m e t o m i n d was m y adviser. H e h a d b a r e l y
s p o k e n t o m e f o r t w o a n d a h a l f y e a r s , b u t h e was r e p u t e d l y
k i n d . A s e c o n d o b v i o u s c a n d i d a t e was t h e c r u s t y o l d d e a n o f t h e
school, known to be beloved by thousands of alumni. But I
t h o u g h t t h a t t h r e e was a g o o d n u m b e r , a n d t h e t h i r d c h o i c e
was m o r e difficult. I f i n a l l y h i t u p o n Mr. L y n c h , m y m a t h t e a c h e r
and a somewhat younger man. I chose him n o t because we h a d
any relationship or because he s e e m e d to be a particularly
warm sort of p e r s o n — i n d e e d , I f o u n d h i m a r a t h e r cold, m a t h -
ematical kind of fish—but because he h a d a reputation as the
faculty g e n i u s . H e h a d b e e n i n v o l v e d w i t h s o m e k i n d o f h i g h -
level m a t h e m a t i c s o n t h e M a n h a t t a n P r o j e c t , a n d I t h o u g h t I
s h o u l d check o u t my decision with a "genius."
I w e n t f i r s t t o m y k i n d l y adviser, w h o l e t m e talk for a b o u t
two m i n u t e s a n d t h e n g e n t l y b r o k e i n . "It's t r u e t h a t y o u ' r e u n -
d e r a c h i e v i n g h e r e a t E x e t e r , Scotty," h e said, " b u t n o t s o seri-

ously t h a t y o u w o n ' t b e a b l e t o g r a d u a t e . I t w o u l d b e p r e f e r a b l e
for y o u t o g r a d u a t e f r o m a s c h o o l like E x e t e r w i t h lesser g r a d e s
t h a n f r o m a l e s s e r s c h o o l w i t h b e t t e r g r a d e s . I t w o u l d also l o o k
b a d o n y o u r r e c o r d t o switch h o r s e s i n m i d s t r e a m . B e s i d e s , I ' m
sure your parents would be quite upset. So why d o n ' t you just
go along a n d do the best you can?"
N e x t I w e n t to t h e crusty old d e a n . He let me speak for
thirty seconds. "Exeter is t h e best school in the world," he har-
r u m p h e d . " D a m n fool t h i n g y o u ' r e t h i n k i n g o f d o i n g . N o w y o u
j u s t pull yourself up by the bootstraps, y o u n g m a n ! "
F e e l i n g w o r s e a n d w o r s e , I w e n t t o s e e Mr. L y n c h . H e l e t
m e talk myself o u t . I t t o o k a b o u t f i v e m i n u t e s . T h e n h e said h e
d i d n ' t yet u n d e r s t a n d a n d a s k e d i f I w o u l d j u s t talk s o m e
m o r e — a b o u t E x e t e r , a b o u t m y family, a b o u t G o d ( h e a c t u a l l y
gave m e p e r m i s s i o n t o talk a b o u t G o d ! ) , a b o u t a n y t h i n g t h a t
c a m e into my h e a d . So I r a m b l e d on for a n o t h e r t e n m i n u t e s —
f i f t e e n m i n u t e s i n all, w h i c h was p r e t t y g o o d f o r a d e p r e s s e d ,
i n a r t i c u l a t e f i f t e e n - y e a r - o l d . W h e n I was d o n e , h e i n q u i r e d
whether I would m i n d if he asked me some questions. Thriving
o n this a d u l t a t t e n t i o n , I r e p l i e d , " O f c o u r s e n o t , " a n d h e
q u e r i e d m e a b o u t m a n y different things for t h e n e x t half-hour.
Finally, after forty-five m i n u t e s i n all, this s u p p o s e d l y c o l d
f i s h sat b a c k i n his c h a i r w i t h a p a i n e d e x p r e s s i o n o n h i s face
a n d said, " I ' m sorry. I c a n ' t h e l p y o u . I d o n ' t h a v e a n y a d v i c e t o
give y o u .
' Y o u k n o w , " h e c o n t i n u e d , "it's i m p o s s i b l e f o r o n e p e r s o n
to ever completely p u t himself in a n o t h e r person's shoes. But
i n s o f a r a s I c a n p u t myself i n y o u r s h o e s — a n d I ' m g l a d I ' m n o t
t h e r e — I d o n ' t k n o w w h a t I w o u l d do if I were you. So, you see,
I d o n ' t k n o w h o w t o advise y o u . I ' m s o r r y t h a t I've b e e n u n a b l e
to help."
I t i s j u s t p o s s i b l e t h a t t h a t m a n s a v e d m y life. F o r w h e n I e n -
t e r e d Mr. L y n c h ' s office t h a t m o r n i n g s o m e forty-five y e a r s a g o ,
I was c l o s e to s u i c i d a l . A n d w h e n I left, I felt as if a t h o u s a n d
p o u n d s h a d b e e n t a k e n off m y b a c k . B e c a u s e i f a genius d i d n ' t
k n o w w h a t t o d o , t h e n i t was all r i g h t f o r m e n o t t o k n o w w h a t
t o d o . A n d i f I was c o n s i d e r i n g a m o v e t h a t s e e m e d s o i n s a n e i n
t h e w o r l d ' s t e r m s , a n d a genius c o u l d n ' t tell m e t h a t i t was
clearly, o b v i o u s l y d e m e n t e d — w e l l , t h e n , m a y b e , j u s t m a y b e , i t
was s o m e t h i n g G o d was c a l l i n g m e t o .
S o i t was t h a t t h a t m a n , w h o d i d n ' t h a v e a n y a n s w e r s o r
quick formulas, who didn't know what I should do a n d chose to
p r a c t i c e e m p t i n e s s — i t was t h a t m a n w h o p r o v i d e d t h e h e l p I
n e e d e d . I t was t h a t m a n w h o l i s t e n e d t o m e , w h o g a v e m e h i s
time, who tried to put himself in my shoes, w h o e x t e n d e d him-
self a n d s a c r i f i c e d h i m s e l f f o r m e . I t was t h a t m a n w h o l o v e d
m e . A n d i t was t h a t m a n w h o h e a l e d m e .
T h e r e a r e n o s i m p l e o r easy f o r m u l a s . I n h a n d l i n g all life
experiences, we must e n d u r e a degree of emptiness a n d the
a g o n y of n o t k n o w i n g . As I w r o t e in Further Along the Road Less
Traveled, t h e r e a r e m a n y t h i n g s w e o f t e n g o t h r o u g h life b l a m -
i n g o t h e r s for. S i n c e a b i g p a r t o f g r o w i n g u p i s l e a r n i n g t o for-
give, e a c h t i m e w e m u s t r e c o n s i d e r a n d d e b a t e , " S h o u l d I
b l a m e o r s h o u l d I forgive?" O r , " A m I b e i n g l o v i n g o r a m I b e -
i n g a d o o r m a t ? " O r simply, " W h a t i s t h e t h i n g t o d o ? " I t i s a d e -
c i s i o n t h a t m u s t b e m a d e a g a i n i n e a c h s i t u a t i o n a n d every
different time.
A l t h o u g h t h e r e is no certain formula, t h e r e is a guideline
to h e l p in such decision making, which I first wrote a b o u t in
The Different Drum. It is to r e c o g n i z e t h a t t h e u n c o n s c i o u s is al-
ways o n e s t e p a h e a d o f t h e c o n s c i o u s m i n d . T h e p r o b l e m i s w e
d o n ' t k n o w w h e t h e r it's a h e a d i n t h e r i g h t d i r e c t i o n o r t h e
w r o n g d i r e c t i o n . W e d o n ' t always k n o w i f t h a t still s m a l l v o i c e
w e h e a r i s t h e v o i c e o f t h e H o l y Spirit, o r S a t a n , o r m a y b e j u s t
o u r g l a n d s . I t is, t h e r e f o r e , i m p o s s i b l e e v e r t o k n o w t h a t w h a t
we a r e d o i n g is right at t h e time, since k n o w i n g is a function of
consciousness.
H o w e v e r , i f y o u r will i s steadfastly t o t h e g o o d a n d i f y o u
a r e willing t o suffer fully w h e n t h e g o o d s e e m s a m b i g u o u s
(which to me seems a b o u t 98.7 p e r c e n t of the time), t h e n your
u n c o n s c i o u s will always b e o n e s t e p a h e a d o f y o u r c o n s c i o u s
m i n d i n t h e r i g h t d i r e c t i o n . I n o t h e r w o r d s , y o u will d o t h e
right thing. But you won't have the luxury of knowing it at the
t i m e y o u a r e d o i n g it. I n d e e d , y o u will d o t h e r i g h t t h i n g p r e -
cisely b e c a u s e y o u ' v e b e e n w i l l i n g t o f o r g o t h a t l u x u r y . A n d i f
this g u i d e l i n e s e e m s o b s c u r e , t h e n y o u m i g h t w a n t t o r e m e m -
b e r t h a t a l m o s t all t h e evil i n this w o r l d i s c o m m i t t e d b y p e o p l e
w h o a r e absolutely c e r t a i n t h a t t h e y k n o w w h a t t h e y a r e d o i n g .
CHAPTER 5
Organizational Life
Choices
WE MAY THINK THAT WE MAKE p e r s o n a l life c h o i c e s as i n d i v i d u a l s ,

a s i f t h e i n d i v i d u a l e x i s t e d m o r e o r less i n i s o l a t i o n . B u t t h e r e -
ality i s t h a t w e d o n o t s o exist. W e h u m a n b e i n g s a r e social c r e a -
t u r e s , a n d virtually all o u r c h o i c e s a r e m a d e u n d e r t h e
i n f l u e n c e , a n d i n t h e c o n t e x t of, t h e v a r i o u s o r g a n i z a t i o n s i n
which we participate. By organizations, I do n o t simply m e a n
business organizations. Families are organizations, a n d m a n y of
t h e p r i n c i p l e s t h a t h o l d t r u e f o r families a l s o h o l d t r u e f o r b u s i -
n e s s e s , a n d vice v e r s a . O n t h e l a r g e s t scale, o u r w h o l e s o c i e t y i s
a n o r g a n i z a t i o n . O n t h e s m a l l e s t , e v e r y s i n g l e social r e l a t i o n -
ship we have is an organization. A n y t i m e t h e r e is a relationship
b e t w e e n t w o o r m o r e p e o p l e , a n o r g a n i z a t i o n o f s o m e s o r t i s in-
volved.
Consequently, the subject of organizational behavior en-
c o m p a s s e s virtually t h e e n t i r e f i e l d o f h u m a n p s y c h o l o g y , s i n c e
virtually all h u m a n b e h a v i o r o c c u r s i n t h e c o n t e x t o f o n e o r
m o r e organizations. Organizational behavior includes n o t only
h o w i n d i v i d u a l s b e h a v e i n t e m p o r a r y g r o u p s b u t also h o w
groups—and even the organizations themselves—function.
T h e f i e l d i s e n o r m o u s , b u t I w o u l d like t o f o c u s o n o r g a n i z a -
tional choices that seem to me most important, the decisions

we m a k e a n d t h e actions we take that i m p i n g e u p o n o t h e r peo-
p l e — a n d h o w w e t r e a t o t h e r s a s well a s o u r s e l v e s — f o r g o o d o r
ill. I f t h e d e c i s i o n s w e m a k e affect o n l y o u r s e l v e s , w e c a n s i m p l y
d o w h a t e v e r w e w a n t t o d o , t a k e r e s p o n s i b i l i t y f o r it, a n d d e a l
with t h e c o n s e q u e n c e s o f o u r actions. B u t w h e n o t h e r s a r e in-
v o l v e d , t h i s b r i n g s u s very c l e a r l y i n t o t h e r e a l m o f e t h i c s a n d
t h e m a t t e r o f civility.
CIVILITY
I h a v e s p e n t m u c h o f t h e p a s t f i f t e e n y e a r s i n t h e a t t e m p t t o res-
u r r e c t two c r i t i c a l w o r d s f r o m a m e a n i n g l e s s d e a t h : c o m m u n i t y
a n d civility. W h e n w e s p e a k o f c o m m u n i t y i n o u r c u r r e n t soci-
ety, w e u s u a l l y m e a n a n y c o n g l o m e r a t i o n o f p e o p l e . F o r in-
s t a n c e , w e will r e f e r t o M o r r i s t o w n , N e w J e r s e y , a s a c o m m u n i t y .
B u t t h e fact o f t h e m a t t e r i s t h a t M o r r i s t o w n , N e w J e r s e y , i s
n o t h i n g b u t a geographical aggregate of p e o p l e with a certain
t a x b a s e a n d a few social s e r v i c e s i n c o m m o n , b u t p r e c i o u s little
else—if a n y t h i n g — t h a t links t h e m t o g e t h e r a s h u m a n b e i n g s .
O r w e will r e f e r t o t h e T h i r d P r e s b y t e r i a n C h u r c h o f s o m e t o w n
as a c o m m u n i t y w h e n , m o r e often t h a n n o t , t h e reality is t h a t
t h e p e o p l e sitting in t h e pews n e x t to e a c h o t h e r are u n a b l e to
talk t o e a c h o t h e r a b o u t t h e t h i n g s t h a t a r e m o s t t r o u b l i n g a n d
i m p o r t a n t i n t h e i r lives. I h a v e c o m e t o r e f e r t o s u c h a g g r e g a t e s
of p e o p l e as p s e u d o c o m m u n i t i e s .
For m e , c o m m u n i t y has t o d o with c o m m u n i c a t i o n , a n d
real c o m m u n i t y s h o u l d imply a sustained a n d h i g h quality of
c o m m u n i c a t i o n a m o n g its m e m b e r s . I f i r s t w r o t e a b o u t c o m -
m u n i t y in The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace. B u t
t h e m a j o r f o c u s o f m y life t h e s e y e a r s h a s b e e n n o t w r i t i n g b u t
working with o t h e r s in t h e establishment a n d d e v e l o p m e n t of
t h e F o u n d a t i o n for C o m m u n i t y E n c o u r a g e m e n t (FCE). It is
t h e mission of this e d u c a t i o n a l f o u n d a t i o n to t e a c h t h e princi-
ples of community, by which we m e a n healthy a n d a u t h e n t i c
communication within a n d between groups.
M y w o r k w i t h F C E l e d m e , a t a t i m e o f social b r e a k d o w n
a n d increasing adversarialism, to an a t t e m p t to resurrect an-
o t h e r w o r d f a l l e n i n t o m e a n i n g l e s s n e s s : "civility." All t h a t i s g e n -
erally m e a n t t h e s e days b y "civility" i s s u p e r f i c i a l p o l i t e n e s s . B u t
t h e fact i s t h a t p e o p l e h a v e b e e n p o l i t e l y s t a b b i n g e a c h o t h e r i n
t h e b a c k a n d politely h u r t i n g e a c h o t h e r for G o d knows h o w
l o n g . I was h e l p e d t o a r r i v e a t a m o r e m e a n i n g f u l d e f i n i t i o n o f
civility b y a n E n g l i s h g e n t l e m a n o f t h e last c e n t u r y , O l i v e r H e r e -
f o r d , w h o i s f a m e d f o r saying, " A g e n t l e m a n i s s o m e o n e w h o
never h u r t s a n o t h e r p e r s o n ' s feelings unintentionally." W h a t
that m e a n s to me is that sometimes it may be necessary to h u r t
a n o t h e r p e r s o n ' s f e e l i n g s , b u t t h e key i s i n t e n t i o n , m e a n i n g
awareness of what you are doing. Such awareness requires con-
s c i o u s n e s s . So in my b o o k on t h e s u b j e c t , A World Waiting to Be
Born: Civility Rediscovered, I d e f i n e d "civility" n o t as m e r e s u p e r -
ficial politeness, b u t as "consciously motivated organizational
b e h a v i o r t h a t is ethical in submission to a h i g h e r power."
It can be assumed that anyone who has m a d e the choice to
be c o n s c i o u s w a n t s to be a civil p e r s o n . B u t t h e r e is a m a j o r
p r o b l e m h e r e : i n o r d e r t o b e civil, w e m u s t b e c o n s c i o u s n o t
only of o u r o w n motivations b u t also of t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n — o r
s y s t e m — i n w h i c h w e a r e a c t i n g . Civility r e q u i r e s o r g a n i z a t i o n a l
as well as i n d i v i d u a l c o n s c i o u s n e s s . C o n s e q u e n t l y , if we a s p i r e to
ever g r e a t e r civility, w e m u s t i n c r e a s i n g l y t h i n k i n t e r m s o f sys-
tems.
SYSTEMS
T h e m o s t e n j o y a b l e p a r t o f m y m e d i c a l s c h o o l e d u c a t i o n was
t h e s t u d y o f m i c r o s c o p i c a n a t o m y . All e x t e r n a l a p p e a r a n c e s t o
t h e c o n t r a r y , o u r b o d i e s a r e m o s t l y water. C o n s e q u e n t l y , w h e n
y o u l o o k a t t h i n slices o f o u r o r g a n s u n d e r a m i c r o s c o p e y o u
c a n n o t see m u c h e x c e p t pallid, indistinguishable filaments. But
i f y o u t a k e t h e s e s a m e slices, s o a k t h e m f o r a w h i l e i n s e l e c t e d
dyes, a n d l o o k a g a i n , s u d d e n l y y o u h a v e e n t e r e d a f a i r y l a n d , a
garden of delights c o m p a r e d to which Disneyland is downright
insipid. No m a t t e r what o u r age, station, or even state of h e a l t h ,

a t this level w e a r e all very b e a u t i f u l o n t h e i n s i d e .
G r a d u a l l y , a s I p e e r e d a t o n e b e a u t i f u l cell a f t e r a n o t h e r ,
m i c r o s c o p i c slide after s l i d e , m o n t h after m o n t h , s o m e t h i n g
e v e n m o r e i m p o r t a n t d a w n e d o n m e . E a c h a n d e v e r y cell was
n o t o n l y a s y s t e m in itself, b u t also a m i n u s c u l e p a r t of a l a r g e r ,
e v e n m o r e c o m p l e x system. T h e a b s o r b i n g villi cells, t h e
s m o o t h m u s c l e cells, a n d t h e c o n n e c t i v e t i s s u e cells h o l d i n g
t h e m t o g e t h e r w e r e all a n i n t e g r a t e d p a r t o f a n o r g a n — i n this
c a s e , t h e s m a l l i n t e s t i n e . T h e s m a l l i n t e s t i n e , i n t u r n , was a p a r t
o f t h e d i g e s t i v e system. A n d t h e d i g e s t i v e system was i n t e g r a t e d
w i t h o t h e r systems o f t h e b o d y . T h e f i n e f i l a m e n t s o f t h e a u t o -
n o m i c n e r v e cells t h a t s t i m u l a t e d t h e d i g e s t i v e m u s c l e s t o r e l a x
or contract a n d t h e glands to rest or secrete were m i n u t e parts
o f t h e n e r v o u s s y s t e m , c o n n e c t i n g all t h e way u p t h r o u g h t h e
s p i n a l c o r d t o o t h e r cells i n t h e b r a i n . T h r o u g h o u t e a c h o r g a n
w e r e t h e t i n y cells o f a r t e r i e s o r v e i n s , all c o n n e c t e d t o t h e h e a r t
a s p a r t o f t h e c i r c u l a t o r y system. A n d i n e a c h a r t e r y o r v e i n I
c o u l d spy v a r i e t i e s o f b l o o d cells, o r i g i n a l l y m a n u f a c t u r e d i n
t h e b o n e m a r r o w a s little tiny p a r t s o f t h e h e m a t o p o i e t i c sys-
tem.
Actually, I h a d " k n o w n " f o r y e a r s t h a t t h e h u m a n b o d y —
a n d t h e b o d y o f every o t h e r living t h i n g , a n i m a l o r p l a n t — w a s
a system. B u t p r i o r t o m e d i c a l s c h o o l , I h a d n o t b e e n a w a r e o f
t h e e x t r a o r d i n a r y c o m p l e x i t y a n d b e a u t y o f s u c h systems. I t was
a t t h i s p o i n t I was a b l e t o m a k e a n o t h e r l e a p o f c o n s c i o u s n e s s t o
s o m e t h i n g , o n c e a g a i n , I h a d l o n g " k n o w n , " b u t o n l y dimly.
S i n c e e a c h i n d i v i d u a l cell was a c o m p o n e n t o f a n o r g a n , a n d
e a c h individual o r g a n a c o m p o n e n t of a b o d y system, a n d e a c h
s u c h s y s t e m a c o m p o n e n t o f t h e b o d y a s a w h o l e , was i t n o t p o s -
sible t h a t m y b o d y was also p a r t o f a l a r g e r s y s t e m still? I n o t h e r
w o r d s , m i g h t I — m y i n d i v i d u a l s e l f — b e b u t a s i n g l e cell o f a n
o r g a n of s o m e gigantic organism? Of course. As a fledgling
p h y s i c i a n , I was c o n n e c t e d , d i r e c t l y o r i n d i r e c t l y , t o c o u n t l e s s
o t h e r i n d i v i d u a l h u m a n cells. T o m y p a r e n t s , w h o p a i d m y tu-
ition. To the older physicians w h o taught m e . To t h e laboratory
t e c h n i c i a n s w h o c o n d u c t e d t h e tests I o r d e r e d . T o h o s p i t a l a d -
ministrators. To manufacturers who m a d e the e q u i p m e n t I
used. To the patients I used that e q u i p m e n t on. To growers in
Mississippi a n d C a l i f o r n i a w h o s o l d c o t t o n t o t h e N o r t h C a r -
olina textile workers w h o m a d e t h e clothes I wore. To r a n c h e r s
i n K a n s a s w h o g r e w t h e beef, a n d f a r m e r s i n N e w J e r s e y w h o
g r e w t h e l e t t u c e I a t e . T o t h e t r u c k d r i v e r s w h o t r a n s p o r t e d all
these things to me. To my landlord. To the barber who cut my
hair. A n d o n a n d o n .
S o i t was ( a l t h o u g h I h a d n o t y e t e v e n h e a r d t h e t e r m ) t h a t
I b e c a m e a f o u r s q u a r e b e l i e v e r i n "systems t h e o r y . " T h e b a s i c
t e n e t o f systems t h e o r y ( w h i c h i s a c t u a l l y n o t a t h e o r y b u t a
fact) is t h a t e v e r y t h i n g is a system. On a level m o r e m a c r o s c o p i c
t h a n t h a t o f a cell o r a n o r g a n o r a n o r g a n system o r a n i n d i -
v i d u a l , all o f u s a r e c o m p o n e n t p a r t s o f t h e f a b r i c o f h u m a n so-
ciety. W e a r e j u s t b e g i n n i n g t o w a k e u p t o t h e fact t h a t t h e
w h o l e of t h a t society is c o n n e c t e d to t h e waters, to t h e l a n d , to
t h e forests, a n d t h e a t m o s p h e r e : t h e " e c o s y s t e m . " I n d e e d , sys-
t e m s t h e o r i s t s o f t e n e n v i s i o n t h e e n t i r e p l a n e t a s a s i n g l e or-
g a n i s m . O u r e a r t h is, o f c o u r s e , a p a r t o f t h e s o l a r system. A n d
a s w e b e g i n t o r e a c h e v e n f a r t h e r i n t o o u t e r s p a c e , w e will p r o b -
ably p e r c e i v e a s y s t e m i c n a t u r e t o t h e g a l a x i e s a n d t h e u n i v e r s e
itself.
B e y o n d t h e fact t h a t e v e r y t h i n g t h a t exists is p a r t of a sys-
t e m , systems t h e o r y also h o l d s t h a t i f y o u c h a n g e o n e c o m p o -
n e n t o f t h e system, all t h e o t h e r p a r t s m u s t a l s o c h a n g e . O n l y i n
t h e p a s t few d e c a d e s h a v e w e b e c o m e s o m e w h a t a w a r e o f t h i s
fact i n o u r society. W e h a v e c o m e t o r e a l i z e t h a t virtually every-
t h i n g w e d o h a s a n effect u p o n o u r e n v i r o n m e n t , a n d t h a t t h e s e
effects h a v e t h e p o t e n t i a l t o e i t h e r n u r t u r e u s o r d e s t r o y u s .
A s a n e x a m p l e , virtually e v e r y o n e w h o o w n s a c a r h a s h a d
t h e e x p e r i e n c e of taking it to a s h o p for a m i n o r r e p a i r only to
h a v e i t c o n k o u t o n t h e way b a c k h o m e . W h e n this h a p p e n s ,
y o u m a y c u r s e t h e m e c h a n i c f o r h a v i n g d o n e s o m e evil d e e d .
B u t a s a r u l e , n o evil d e e d h a s b e e n d o n e a t all. I t i s j u s t t h a t t h e
presence of a b r a n d - n e w p a r t has caused a subtle c h a n g e in the
e n g i n e — t h e entire system—which requires an adjustment in

the other parts, sometimes an adjustment those older parts are
not able to m a k e without themselves breaking down.
H u m a n r e l a t i o n s h i p s a r e also a system: m a r r i a g e , i n p a r t i c -
ular. I n o u r w o r k a s p s y c h o t h e r a p i s t s w i t h c o u p l e s , Lily c o i n e d
the term "tenuousness," by which she m e a n t that in a marriage
each partner's definition of the other should be t e n u o u s —
n a m e l y , flexible r a t h e r t h a n f i x e d . A g a i n a n d a g a i n i n o u r p r a c -
tice w e saw t h a t w h e n e v e r o n e m a r i t a l p a r t n e r significantly
c h a n g e d or grew as a result of psychotherapy, the o t h e r p a r t n e r
w o u l d h a v e t o c h a n g e o r g r o w i n r e s p o n s e , o r else t h e s y s t e m —
t h e m a r r i a g e — w o u l d fall a p a r t .
I do n o t m e a n to suggest that psychotherapy is the only
v a r i a b l e i n t h e e q u a t i o n . All m a n n e r o f t h i n g s c a n c h a n g e t h e
n a t u r e o f a m a r r i a g e . T h e n a t u r e o f m y m a r r i a g e t o Lily
c h a n g e d as soon as we h a d children. It c h a n g e d again when the
children were out of diapers. It changed once m o r e when the
children e n t e r e d adolescence. A n d it c h a n g e d again w h e n they
left h o m e . A l o n g t h e way, i t h a d t o c h a n g e w h e n o u r f i n a n c i a l
situation c h a n g e d a n d we moved from being the recipients of
p h i l a n t h r o p y to roughly twenty years of b r e a k i n g even to b e i n g
significant c o n t r i b u t o r s to charitable causes. It has certainly
c h a n g e d again as we moved from middle age into old age a n d
my retirement.
So systems t h e o r y implies t h a t we m u s t be able to adjust—
s o m e t i m e s very q u i c k l y — o r t h e s y s t e m m a y b r e a k d o w n . B u t t o
have t h e capacity to m a k e such rapid changes, we m u s t have an
a c u t e c o n s c i o u s n e s s o f t h e systems t o w h i c h w e b e l o n g . A n d
there's the r u b . We h u m a n s are conscious to varying degrees.
A n d while almost everyone is conscious of himself as an entity
a n d is aware of his m o r e u r g e n t n e e d s a n d desires, we lack s u c h
c l e a r a w a r e n e s s o f o u r social m o t i v a t i o n s a n d o f t h e S h a d o w
f r o m w h i c h t h o s e m o t i v a t i o n s m a y s p r i n g . E v e n w i t h a relatively
advanced degree of consciousness, most of us remain remark-
ably u n c o n s c i o u s o f t h e c o m p l e x o r g a n i z a t i o n s a n d social sys-
tems to which we belong.
T h i s l a c k o f o r g a n i z a t i o n a l a n d social c o n s c i o u s n e s s i s s u c h
a d r a m a t i c p h e n o m e n o n t h a t I h a v e c o m e t o call i t t h e h o l e i n
t h e m i n d . A n d w h i l e this h o l e i s o f t e n g a p i n g , s o m e t i m e s i t i s
m o r e like a slice of Swiss c h e e s e . F o r i n s t a n c e , a b u s i n e s s e x e c -
utive i s likely t o h a v e c o m e t o t h e a w a r e n e s s t h a t h i s c o m p a n y i s
a c o m p l e x system, b u t h e m a y n e v e r o n c e h a v e s t o p p e d t o t h i n k
o f h i s o w n family a s a system. O t h e r s m a y b e q u i t e a w a r e o f t h e i r
family a s a system, b u t h a v e little c o n s c i o u s n e s s a b o u t t h e o r g a -
nization that employs them.
This hole in the mind—this unconsciousness concerning
o u r o r g a n i z a t i o n s — i s f r e q u e n t l y f e d b y o u r n a r c i s s i s m . F o r in-
stance, in a large m a n u f a c t u r i n g c o m p a n y , it is p r o b a b l e t h a t
most of the workers on the assembly line think of themselves as
t h e c o r e o f t h e c o m p a n y a n d give little o r n o t h o u g h t t o t h e
o t h e r e m p l o y e e s a n d t h e i r r o l e s . After all, t h e y ' r e t h e o n e s w h o
actually m a k e the p r o d u c t , are they not? T h e salespeople may
also t h i n k o f t h e m s e l v e s a s t h e c o r e o f t h e c o m p a n y . A f t e r all,
t h e y a r e t h e o n e s w h o sell t h e p r o d u c t , a n d i f i t d i d n ' t g e t s o l d
there would be no company. But the marketing people are
likely t o t h i n k o f t h e m s e l v e s a s t h e c e n t e r o f t h e c o m p a n y b e -
c a u s e t h e sales staff w o u l d n ' t b e a b l e t o sell t h e p r o d u c t i f t h e y
d i d n ' t m a r k e t i t well. T h o s e i n t h e f i n a n c i a l division m a y t h i n k
they are the center of the company, because they balance the
b o o k s a n d k e e p t h e c o m p a n y solvent. A n d those i n m a n a g e -
m e n t may think of themselves as the most important, because
they create t h e policies that guide the c o r p o r a t i o n , b u t they
m a y h a v e p r e c i o u s little e m p a t h y f o r t h e o t h e r s i n d i f f e r e n t
roles w h o c o n t r i b u t e to the whole.
T h e s a m e i s t r u e o f o u r society g e n e r a l l y , a n d o f t h e r a c i s m
a n d classism t h a t p e r v a d e it. T h e f a i l u r e t o b e a w a r e o f o t h e r s '
c o n t r i b u t i o n s h a s l e d t o a lack o f civility, p e r h a p s b e c a u s e w e
feel o v e r w h e l m e d s i m p l y t r y i n g t o b e c o m e m o r e c o n s c i o u s o f
o u r s e l v e s a n d h a v e n o e n e r g y left o v e r t o d e v e l o p o u r o r g a n i z a -
t i o n a l a n d social c o n s c i o u s n e s s . N e v e r t h e l e s s , t h e r e i s n o way
t h a t w e c a n evolve i n t o a m o r e civil society u n t i l e v e r g r e a t e r
n u m b e r s of us a r e willing to m a k e t h e c h o i c e n o t only to be per-
s o n a l l y c o n s c i o u s b u t also t o t h i n k i n t e r m s o f w h o l e systems
a n d e x p a n d o u r a w a r e n e s s i n o r d e r t o fill t h e h o l e i n t h e m i n d .
ETHICS
I h a v e a f r i e n d w h o was o n e o f t h e f i r s t A m e r i c a n p i l o t s s h o t
d o w n a n d c a p t u r e d b y t h e N o r t h V i e t n a m e s e . I n t h e e a r l y days
o f h i s s e v e n - y e a r captivity, h e a n d h i s fellow p r i s o n e r s o f w a r
w e r e systematically t o r t u r e d . I n a n e x t r a o r d i n a r y b o o k a b o u t
his e x p e r i e n c e s , he m a k e s it q u i t e clear t h a t his captors w e r e en-
g a g i n g i n fully c o n s c i o u s o r g a n i z a t i o n a l b e h a v i o r . T h e y k n e w
e x a c t l y w h a t t h e y w e r e d o i n g . T h e y w e r e c o n s c i o u s o f t h e i r in-
t e n t a n d t h e effect t h e i r b e a t i n g s a n d e v e n m o r e b r u t a l p r a c -
tices h a d o n t h e i r v i c t i m s . T h e y k n e w t h a t a n y o n e will b r e a k
u n d e r e n o u g h pain a n d that their torture would extract con-
fessions—no m a t t e r h o w false—useful for p r o p a g a n d a pur-
p o s e s a n d s e r v i n g t h e i r o r g a n i z a t i o n a l m i s s i o n . Yet, e v e n t h o s e
A m e r i c a n s w h o w e r e h o r r i f i e d b y t h e incivility o f o u r p r o s e c u -
tion of the Vietnam War would never consider torture to have
b e e n a civil r e s p o n s e o r i n a n y way j u s t i f i e d .
S o civility i s s o m e t h i n g m o r e t h a n o r g a n i z a t i o n a l b e h a v i o r
t h a t i s m e r e l y " c o n s c i o u s l y m o t i v a t e d . " I t m u s t b e ethical a s well.
A n d all b u t t h e m o r a l l y i n s a n e w o u l d a g r e e t h a t t o r t u r e i s in-
h e r e n t l y a n d grossly u n e t h i c a l . I u s e t h i s e x a m p l e b e c a u s e i t i s
s o g r o s s , n o t t o s i d e s t e p t h e fact t h a t a m u c h m o r e s u b t l e i n c i -
vility i s t h e r e a l , p e r v a s i v e p r o b l e m i n o u r society. A n d it, t o o , i s
u n e t h i c a l . T o b e e t h i c a l is, a t t h e v e r y least, t o b e " h u m a n i s t i c , "
which by definition m e a n s having the attitude that people are
precious a n d s h o u l d be treated accordingly insofar as possible.
We do not torture people if we think of t h e m as precious.
Recently t h e r e has b e e n m u c h criticism o f "secular h u -
m a n i s m " b y t h e r e l i g i o u s r i g h t . I b e l i e v e t h a t m a n y o f t h e s e crit-
ics w o u l d b e well a d v i s e d t o b e c o m e m o r e h u m a n i s t i c
t h e m s e l v e s . N e v e r t h e l e s s , I also b e l i e v e t h e y h a v e a p o i n t . S e c u -
l a r h u m a n i s m i s like a h o u s e b u i l t o n s a n d . W h e n t h e g o i n g g e t s
r o u g h — w h e n b u s i n e s s i s b a d o r strife i s a b r o a d — s e c u l a r h u -
m a n i s t i c a t t i t u d e s m a y easily b e b l o w n away. F o r e x a m p l e , t h e
m e d i a have b e e n recognized to be a particularly secular realm.
A n d those w h o work in the media not only generally regard
t h e m s e l v e s a s h u m a n i s t s b u t also t h i n k t h a t t h e i r w o r k t o k e e p
p e o p l e i n f o r m e d i s i m p o r t a n t i n k e e p i n g society a t l e a s t b a r e l y
civil a n d h u m a n i s t i c . T h e r e i s s o m e t r u t h i n this. H o w e v e r , I
k n o w all t o o m a n y i n s t a n c e s o f r e p o r t e r s easily a n d q u i c k l y
throwing their h u m a n i s m out the window in their eagerness to
g e t a story.
T h e p r o b l e m w i t h s e c u l a r h u m a n i s m i s t h a t i t says n o t h i n g
a b o u t why h u m a n b e i n g s a r e p r e c i o u s , n o r w h y t h e y s h o u l d b e
treated accordingly. Consequently, secular h u m a n i s m , b e i n g
u n r o o t e d in any k i n d of theology, is often a fair-weather p h e -
n o m e n o n . T h a t i s w h y I d e f i n e civil b e h a v i o r n o t s i m p l y a s " e t h -
ical," b u t specifically a s " e t h i c a l i n s u b m i s s i o n t o a h i g h e r
p o w e r . " F o r if, as I h a v e said, l i g h t , t r u t h , a n d love a r e all syn-
o n y m s o f a s o r t for G o d , a n d i f w e a r e truly s u b m i t t e d t o t h e s e
t h i n g s , o u r b e h a v i o r will b e g o d l y e v e n t h o u g h w e m a y n o t
think of ourselves as religious.
As an e x a m p l e of such submission, let me r e t u r n to t h e re-
p o r t e r w h o m a y t h r o w his h u m a n i s m o u t t h e w i n d o w i n o r d e r
t o g e t a story. A l t h o u g h t h a t r e p o r t e r m a y ( n o t always) t a k e
p a i n s n o t t o lie (lest h e b e s u e d ) a n d will, t h e r e f o r e , "stick t o
t h e facts," h e i s likely t o r e t a i n c o m p l e t e l i c e n s e t o d e c i d e u p o n
w h i c h facts h e will r e p o r t a n d w h i c h h e will n o t . I n this s e n s e ,
facts a r e like statistics. T h e y c a n b e u s e d t o say a n y t h i n g y o u
want. In m a n y situations, a r e p o r t e r is c o m p l e t e l y free to d r a w a
b l a c k p i c t u r e , a w h i t e p i c t u r e , or a g r a y p i c t u r e . U n l e s s he is a
v e r y c o n s c i e n t i o u s i n d i v i d u a l , i t i s q u i t e likely t h a t h i s c h o i c e
will b e d e t e r m i n e d n o t b y a n y d e e p s u b m i s s i o n t o t h e t r u t h s o
m u c h a s b y w h a t s e e m s t o m a k e a g o o d story. E v e n i f t h e r e -
p o r t e r i s d e v o t e d t o t r u t h , t h e r e i s a c h a i n o f c o m m a n d in-
volved i n t h e p r o c e s s o f h o w a s t o r y g e t s i n t e r p r e t e d . A f t e r t h e
r e p o r t e r h a s w r i t t e n it, h i s e d i t o r s — w h o a r e n o t d i r e c t l y in-
volved i n t h e initial g a t h e r i n g o f i n f o r m a t i o n — w i l l a d d t h e i r
own perspectives. They do so by m e a n s of the headline a n d by
t h e l e n g t h a n d p l a c e m e n t o f t h e story. F r o m m y p o i n t o f view,
t h e b e s t s t o r i e s a r e t h o s e t h a t a r e gray, b e c a u s e t h e t r u t h i s g e n -
erally c o m p l e x . B u t i t i s m y e x p e r i e n c e t h a t m a n y r e p o r t e r s
would r a t h e r n o t submit themselves to such complexity, be-
cause it d o e s n ' t m a k e for g o o d , e n t i c i n g h e a d l i n e s . Even they
will a d m i t to l o o k i n g for a " s l a n t " on a story, a p p a r e n t l y f o r g e t -

ting that t h e r e is a difference b e t w e e n slanted stories a n d t h e
truth.
In dealing with such ethical complexities, I have f o u n d t h e
distinction between c o d e ethics a n d situation ethics to be help-
ful, a l m o s t e s s e n t i a l . C o d e e t h i c s a r e d e r i v e d f r o m v a r i o u s e t h i -
cal p r e s c r i p t i o n s t h a t h a v e b e e n i n u s e t h r o u g h o u t history.
T h e earliest k n o w n is the C o d e of H a m m u r a b i . Far better
known to us are the Ten C o m m a n d m e n t s . W h a t such codes do
i s t o p r o n o u n c e c e r t a i n acts t o b e b a d , w r o n g , o r i m p e r m i s -
sible u n d e r a n y c i r c u m s t a n c e s . F o r i n s t a n c e , o n e o f t h e T e n
C o m m a n d m e n t s i s " T h o u s h a l t n o t kill." I t i s n ' t " T h o u s h a l t
n o t kill e x c e p t i n t i m e o f war," o r " T h o u s h a l t n o t kill e x c e p t i n
self-defense"; i t i s " T h o u s h a l t n o t kill," p e r i o d . N o ifs, a n d s , o r
buts.
T h e basic t e n e t of situation ethics, however, is that no eth-
ical j u d g m e n t c a n b e m a d e a b o u t a n a c t w i t h o u t c o n s i d e r a t i o n
of the circumstances in which it occurs. Unlike the Ten Com-
m a n d m e n t s , s i t u a t i o n e t h i c s w o u l d allow f o r k i l l i n g i n s u c h cir-
c u m s t a n c e s a s w a r t i m e a n d self-defense.
O u r society h a s e v o l v e d away f r o m s i m p l i s t i c c o d e e t h i c s to-
w a r d s i t u a t i o n a l e t h i c s . T h i s i s d r a m a t i c a l l y visible i n o u r l e g a l
system. G o visit y o u r lawyer a n d y o u a r e likely t o s e e t h a t h e r of-
fice i s f i l l e d w i t h b o o k s h e l v e s full o f w e i g h t y t o m e s . W h a t m o s t
o f t h o s e h e a v y b o o k s c o n t a i n a r e legal p r e c e d e n t s o f a situa-
t i o n a l n a t u r e . S u c h p r e c e d e n t s will s t a t e , " T h o u s h a l t n o t b r e a k
a c o n t r a c t , e x c e p t as in t h e c a s e of Jones v. Smith, w h e r e s u c h a n d
such circumstances prevailed," or " T h o u shalt n o t b r e a k a con-
t r a c t e x c e p t i n t h e k i n d o f s i t u a t i o n t h a t o c c u r r e d i n Brown v .
Taylor"
To live by s i t u a t i o n a l e t h i c s , it is n e c e s s a r y f o r t h e i n d i v i d -
u a l t o h a v e t h e c a p a c i t y t o s e r v e a s a n e n t i r e l e g a l system w i t h i n
himself. T o b e h e a l t h y a n d w h o l e , w e m u s t p o s s e s s w i t h i n o u r
own m i n d s a c o m p e t e n t defense attorney, a c o m p e t e n t prose-
c u t i n g attorney, a n d a g o o d j u d g e . P e o p l e with c h a r a c t e r disor-
d e r s t e n d t o h a v e a very s t r o n g i n t e r n a l d e f e n s e a t t o r n e y , b u t a
very weak c o n s c i e n c e o r i n t e r n a l p r o s e c u t i n g attorney. T h o s e
with n e u r o s e s t e n d to have a very s t r o n g p r o s e c u t i n g attorney

b u t a weak defense attorney, w h o is u n a b l e to s p e a k up for his
c l i e n t . Finally, t h e r e a r e t h o s e w h o h a v e i n t h e i r h e a d s b o t h a
reasonably c o m p e t e n t defense attorney a n d p r o s e c u t i n g attor-
n e y b u t t h e n , for o n e r e a s o n o r a n o t h e r , h a v e g r e a t difficulty
c o m i n g t o d e c i s i o n s b e c a u s e t h e y lack a g o o d j u d g e .
I h e a r t i l y s u p p o r t t h e m o v e m e n t o f society ( a n d o f individ-
uals in their own p e r s o n a l decision m a k i n g ) toward situational
e t h i c s . As a p s y c h i a t r i s t , I am v e r y f a m i l i a r w i t h t h e fact t h a t
rigid c o d e e t h i c s o f t e n h a v e i n h u m a n e c o n s e q u e n c e s . B u t t h e r e
a r e two c a v e a t s t o b e c o n s i d e r e d . O n e i s t h a t t h e u s e o f s i t u a t i o n
ethics m e a n s that t h e r e are no formulas, so healthy individuals
have the responsibility to reconsider their behavior each a n d
every t i m e t h e s i t u a t i o n c h a n g e s e v e r s o slightly. W h i l e i t m i g h t
be the right thing to blame s o m e o n e in o n e situation, it might
b e t h e r i g h t t h i n g t o forgive h i m i n a s u b t l y d i f f e r e n t o n e . W i t h -
out formulas, we never know at the time that what we are doing
is right. We m u s t have the capacity to o p e r a t e o u t of the " e m p -
tiness o f n o t k n o w i n g . "
My o t h e r caveat is that I do n o t want to imply that c o d e
ethics are useless. Again, in r e c e n t years, t h e religious right has
b e c o m e m o r e a n d m o r e critical o f s i t u a t i o n a l e t h i c s , a n d a g a i n
they may have a small p o i n t — a l t h o u g h I suspect t h a t their pro-
posals w o u l d be regressive. Consider, for instance, t h e c o n c e p t
o f a j u s t war. G i v e n t h e c u r r e n t s t a t e o f h u m a n e v o l u t i o n , i n
w h i c h i t s e e m s b e y o n d u s t o g e t r i d o f war, I b e l i e v e i t was a p -
p r o p r i a t e for t h e Catholic C h u r c h to use situational ethics in
d e v e l o p i n g t h e c o n c e p t o f a j u s t war. B u t I ' m n o t s u r e w e w o u l d
even a t t e m p t to discriminate b e t w e e n j u s t a n d unjust wars were
i t n o t for t h e e x i s t e n c e o f a p e r s i s t i n g c o d e e t h i c t h a t s t a t e s ,
" T h o u s h a l t n o t kill."
INTERDEPENDENCE AND COLLABORATION
In The Road Less Traveled, I n o t e d t h a t we all h a v e d e p e n d e n c y

n e e d s a n d f e e l i n g s , b u t t h a t t h e s e d o n o t c o n s t i t u t e love a n d
t h a t t o b e d r i v e n b y t h e m i s t o fall i n t o t h e t e r r i b l e t r a p o f d e -
p e n d e n c y . I t i s a t r a p b e c a u s e i t leaves t h e d e p e n d e n t i n d i v i d u a l
continually feeling that he c a n n o t be whole or h a p p y without
the almost constant attention of other people. Just o n e of the
m a n y p r o b l e m s such d e p e n d e n c y can cause is pathological jeal-
ousy. N o t h i n g t h a t I said a b o u t d e p e n d e n c y was w r o n g , b u t I
s h o u l d have b a l a n c e d my castigation of it with a h y m n in praise
of interdependence.
At t h e time I w r o t e The Road Less Traveled, I was still o p e r a t -
ing to some degree u n d e r the ethic of good old American
r u g g e d i n d i v i d u a l i s m , w h i c h h o l d s t h a t w e a r e all c a l l e d t o b e -
c o m e i n d e p e n d e n t , t o s t a n d o n o u r o w n two feet, a n d t o b e c a p -
tains of o u r own ship, if n o t necessarily masters of o u r own
destiny. All t h a t i s f i n e ; I b e l i e v e t h a t w e a r e c a l l e d t o i n d e p e n -
d e n c e w h e n possible. But t h e h u g e p r o b l e m with t h e ethic of
r u g g e d individualism is that it neglects the o t h e r side of the
c o i n : t h a t w e a r e also c a l l e d t o c o m e t o t e r m s w i t h o u r o w n sin,
o u r inevitable imperfection a n d inadequacy, a n d o u r m u t u a l
i n t e r d e p e n d e n c e . It is b e c a u s e t h e i n d i v i d u a l i s t e t h i c is o n l y a
h a l f - t r u t h t h a t i t e n c o u r a g e s u s t o h i d e o u r w e a k n e s s e s a n d fail-
u r e s a n d t o feel a s h a m e d o f o u r l i m i t a t i o n s . I t d r i v e s u s t o at-
t e m p t t o b e s u p e r w o m e n a n d s u p e r m e n , n o t o n l y i n t h e eyes o f
o t h e r s b u t also i n o u r o w n eyes. I t p u s h e s u s , d a y i n a n d d a y o u t ,
t o l o o k a s i f w e " h a d i t all t o g e t h e r , " a n d i t l e a d s t o s u c h p h e -
n o m e n a a s p e o p l e s i t t i n g i n t h e s a m e p e w b u t n o t a b l e t o talk t o
each other about their pain a n d yearning a n d disappointments,
hiding b e h i n d their masks of c o m p o s u r e so that they can look
a s i f t h e y a r e i n t o t a l c o n t r o l o f t h e i r lives.
In The Different Drum, w r i t t e n s e v e n y e a r s later, I d e -
n o u n c e d this s i m p l i s t i c , o n e - s i d e d , n o n p a r a d o x i c a l , a n d t h e r e -
fore fallacious ethic a n d , in talking a b o u t c o m m u n i t y , b e g a n to
champion interdependence. My most dramatic examples of the
virtues of i n t e r d e p e n d e n c e have c o m e from my work in h e l p i n g
g r o u p s b u i l d c o m m u n i t y . B u t l e t m e also s i n g its p r a i s e s i n t h e
s m a l l e s t o f o r g a n i z a t i o n s : m a r r i a g e , a n d m y m a r r i a g e t o Lily, i n
p a r t i c u l a r . I n o u r m a r r i a g e , Lily's p r i m a r y r o l e h a s b e e n t h a t o f
h o m e m a k e r a n d m i n e that o f breadwinner. For s o m e years w e

worried a b o u t the d e g r e e to which these roles were dictated by
cultural, sexual stereotypes. Only gradually did we c o m e to the
p e a c e f u l r e a l i z a t i o n t h a t t h e y w e r e , i n fact, n o t d i c t a t e d b y
stereotypes b u t m o r e by o u r own very different personalities.
F r o m t h e b e g i n n i n g o f o u r m a r r i a g e I n o t e d t h a t Lily was
mildly disorganized. N o t infrequently she would b e c o m e so en-
grossed in smelling the flowers that she would forget an appoint-
m e n t o r n e g l e c t t o w r i t e a p r o m i s e d letter. I , o n t h e o t h e r h a n d ,
f r o m t h e b e g i n n i n g , was w h a t c a n b e c a l l e d g o a l - o r i e n t e d — t o
p u t i t mildly. I n e v e r h a d t i m e t o sniff a flower u n l e s s its b l o o m
h a p p e n e d t o c o i n c i d e with m y s c h e d u l e , a c c o r d i n g t o which
e v e r y t h i r d T h u r s d a y a f t e r n o o n f r o m 2:00 t o 2:30 was desig-
n a t e d f o r flower-sniffing, b a r r i n g r a i n .
F u r t h e r m o r e , I u s e d t o b e r a t e Lily f o r h e r i n c l i n a t i o n t o
speak in what I considered irrelevancies—details that got in the
way o f s e e i n g t h e " b i g p i c t u r e " — a s well a s h e r t e n d e n c y t o ig-
n o r e civilization's m o s t s i g n i f i c a n t i n s t r u m e n t , t h e c l o c k . S h e
was e q u a l l y h a r s h a b o u t m y m a d d e n i n g p u n c t u a l i t y , m y s t o d g i -
ness, a n d my insistence on speaking in p a r a g r a p h s that b e g a n
"First of all . . ." " S e c o n d . . ." " T h i r d . . . ," a n d " I n c o n c l u -
s i o n . . . ." Lily b e l i e v e d h e r s was t h e s u p e r i o r a p p r o a c h , a n d I
u p h e l d t h e e x c e l l e n c e o f m i n e . Lily b o r e t h e c h i e f r e s p o n s i b i l -
ity f o r r a i s i n g o u r c h i l d r e n . I d o n o t m e a n t o i m p l y I h a d n o t h -
i n g w h a t s o e v e r t o d o w i t h t h e m , b u t I c a n n o t p r e t e n d t h a t I was
a n i d e a l l y a t t e n t i v e p a r e n t . I was p a r t i c u l a r l y i n a d e q u a t e w h e n
i t c a m e t o p l a y i n g w i t h t h e m . H a v e y o u e v e r t r i e d t o p l a y well
w i t h c h i l d r e n o n s c h e d u l e ? O r w h e n y o u g e t off s c h e d u l e a n d
all y o u c a n t h i n k a b o u t i s t h e u n f i n i s h e d c h a p t e r y o u h a v e t o
write? Lily, h o w e v e r , p l a y e d w i t h o u r c h i l d r e n w i t h a n u n e n d i n g
g r a c e . S h e also c o n t r i b u t e d t o m y b o o k s . I n d e e d , a s I w r o t e i n
t h e i n t r o d u c t i o n to The Road Less Traveled, " s h e h a s b e e n so giv-
i n g t h a t it is h a r d l y p o s s i b l e to d i s t i n g u i s h h e r w i s d o m . . . f r o m
m y o w n . " B u t s h e c o u l d n o t h a v e o r g a n i z e d h e r t i m e well
e n o u g h to write ( a n d rewrite) sentences, p a r a g r a p h s , a n d chap-
t e r s w e e k a f t e r w e e k , m o n t h after m o n t h .
Slowly, t h e r e f o r e , Lily a n d I a g r e e d t o a c c e p t w h a t o n c e
l o o k e d like vices as v i r t u e s , c u r s e s as b l e s s i n g s , liabilities as as-
sets. Lily h a s t h e gift of flowing; I h a v e t h e gift of o r g a n i z a t i o n .
O v e r t h e years I have l e a r n e d a bit a b o u t h o w to go with t h e
f l o w a n d t o b e m o r e p a t i e n t a n d attentive i n dealing with o u r
c h i l d r e n a n d o t h e r s . L i k e w i s e , Lily r e a l i z e d t h a t a l t h o u g h s h e
h a d m a d e improvements, she would never be completely orga-
n i z e d . B u t w e h a v e c o m e t o a p p r e c i a t e e a c h o t h e r ' s v e r y differ-
e n t styles a s gifts a n d h a v e slowly b e g u n t o i n c o r p o r a t e t h e
o t h e r ' s gift i n t o o u r s e l v e s . A s a c o n s e q u e n c e , s h e a n d I a r e g r a d -
ually b e c o m i n g m o r e w h o l e a s i n d i v i d u a l s . B u t this w o u l d n o t
h a v e b e e n p o s s i b l e h a d w e n o t first c o m e t o t e r m s w i t h o u r in-
dividual limitations a n d recognized the value of o u r interde-
pendence.
T h e only p r o b l e m with t h e w o r d " i n t e r d e p e n d e n c e " i s t h a t
to s o m e it may suggest "codependency." A fashionable w o r d
this past d e c a d e , " c o d e p e n d e n c y " refers to a relationship in
which the partners cater to—and thereby encourage—each
o t h e r ' s weaknesses. Often it is p r o p e r l y d e c r i e d . B u t I believe
w e n e e d t o b e c a u t i o u s a b o u t this, b e c a u s e a v e r y r e a l p a r t o f
the learning of marriage is learning how to work a r o u n d each
o t h e r ' s l i m i t a t i o n s . W h e n i t i s p r o p e r t o w o r k a r o u n d s u c h lim-
i t a t i o n s , a n d w h e n t o criticize o r t o c o n f r o n t t h e m , i s a d e c i s i o n
that can be m a d e , again, only out of the agonizing "emptiness
of not knowing."
W h i l e I d o n o t wish t o d i s c a r d t h e w o r d " i n t e r d e p e n -
dence," it may be helpful to think in terms of a n o t h e r word,
" c o l l a b o r a t i o n " : l a b o r i n g t o g e t h e r . I n o u r w o r k w i t h l a r g e r or-
g a n i z a t i o n s , Lily a n d I h a v e r e a l i z e d t h a t s u c h o r g a n i z a t i o n s of-
ten have a lot to learn a b o u t collaboration. But as we look at t h e
organization of o u r marriage, we have c o n c l u d e d that we have
a c t u a l l y d o n e a p r e t t y g o o d j o b a t l a b o r i n g t o g e t h e r . W h e n col-
l a b o r a t i o n i s p o o r i n a n o r g a n i z a t i o n , t h e system c a n l o o k q u i t e
ugly. B u t w h e n t h e c o l l a b o r a t i o n i s g o o d , n o t o n l y i s t h e o r g a -
n i z a t i o n efficient, b u t its s y s t e m c a n b e s o b e a u t i f u l t o b e h o l d
t h a t it a p p r o a c h e s a k i n d of mystical glory.
ACCOUNTABILITY A N D STRUCTURE
I n t e r d e p e n d e n c e d o e s n o t necessarily m e a n that t h e collabo-

r a t i n g i n d i v i d u a l s h a v e d i f f e r e n t r o l e s . Usually, h o w e v e r , i t d o e s ;
a n d , a s d e s c r i b e d , Lily a n d I h a v e h a d v e r y d i f f e r e n t r o l e s i n t h e
thirty-seven-year-old o r g a n i z a t i o n o f o u r m a r r i a g e . A n d w h e n -
e v e r t h e r e a r e d i f f e r e n t r o l e s i n a n o r g a n i z a t i o n , two i m p o r t a n t
f a c t o r s i m m e d i a t e l y c o m e i n t o play: a c c o u n t a b i l i t y a n d s t r u c -
ture.
I a m a b l e t o d e p e n d u p o n Lily f o r m o s t o f t h e h o m e m a k -
i n g b e c a u s e s h e n o t o n l y d o e s i t b u t d o e s i t well. A n d s h e c a n
d e p e n d u p o n m e for t h e m o n e y m a k i n g for t h e s a m e r e a s o n .
W e p l a y t h e s e r o l e s well b e c a u s e w e c o n s i d e r o u r s e l v e s r e s p o n -
sible f o r d o i n g s o . I n o t h e r w o r d s , w e h o l d o u r s e l v e s a n d e a c h
o t h e r a c c o u n t a b l e . On t h e negative side, accountability implies
t h a t s o m e o n e i s s u b j e c t t o b e i n g j u d g e d . O n t h e positive s i d e , i t
i m p l i e s t h a t t h e a c c o u n t a b l e p e r s o n i s t r u s t e d . W e r e Lily t o sig-
nificantly fail a t h e r h o m e m a k i n g r o l e — w e r e s h e n o l o n g e r ac-
c o u n t a b l e — I c o u l d n o l o n g e r t r u s t h e r t o fulfill t h a t r o l e a n d
w o u l d h a v e t o s t e p i n t o t a k e over. S u c h a t a k e o v e r w o u l d b e
n a t u r a l a n d s i m p l e i f h e r loss o f a c c o u n t a b i l i t y was d u e t o a t e m -
p o r a r y p h y s i c a l illness. F o r i n s t a n c e , w h e n s h e h a d a b r e a s t a b -
scess f o l l o w i n g t h e b i r t h o f o u r t h i r d c h i l d , i t was t h e m o s t
natural t h i n g in the world for me to take over the care of that
i n f a n t a n d o u r two o t h e r y o u n g c h i l d r e n . H a d t h a t n o t b e e n a
t e m p o r a r y c o n d i t i o n , however, it w o u l d have m e a n t a major re-
structuring of our marriage.
So differing roles a n d accountabilities imply structure.
W i t h i n a s m a l l ( b u t n o t n e c e s s a r i l y a t all s i m p l e ) o r g a n i z a t i o n
like m a r r i a g e , r o l e s a n d s t r u c t u r e m a y b e relatively i n f o r m a l .
But the larger a n d m o r e complex an organization becomes, the
m o r e it is essential that the accountability structure be formal-
ized. W r i t t e n j o b d e s c r i p t i o n s (or, a s t h e y a r e n o w s o m e t i m e s
called, responsibility profiles) a r e n o w r e q u i r e d , a n d we have
entered the realm of formal organizations.
Virtually every business school has a m a n d a t o r y c o u r s e en-
t i t l e d s o m e t h i n g like " O r g a n i z a t i o n a l T h e o r y . " A n d a s t a n d a r d

a n d e n o r m o u s l y t h i c k t e x t b o o k w i t h t h e s a m e title will lay o u t
t h e full r a n g e o f p o s s i b l e o r g a n i z a t i o n a l s t r u c t u r e s f o r t h e b u s i -
n e s s e x e c u t i v e t o c h o o s e f r o m . W h i l e this r a n g e c a n b e vast a n d
c o m p l i c a t e d , t h e subject is actually almost outrageously simple.
It has but o n e underlying principle, which is "contingency the-
ory." C o n t i n g e n c y t h e o r y ( w h i c h , like s y s t e m s t h e o r y , is n o t a
t h e o r y b u t a fact) s i m p l y s t a t e s t h a t t h e r e i s n o o n e b e s t t y p e o f
o r g a n i z a t i o n . T h e best s t r u c t u r e for a p a r t i c u l a r o r g a n i z a t i o n
or e n d e a v o r is contingent upon t h e p u r p o s e of t h e c o l l e c t i v e , col-
l a b o r a t i v e e n d e a v o r , a s well a s o t h e r f a c t o r s .
A m o n g t h e s e o t h e r f a c t o r s i s t h e n a t u r e o f t h e p e o p l e in-
volved. A think-tank organization is n o t g o i n g to draw t h e s a m e
kind of p e o p l e as a m o r e traditional manufacturing company.
Marketing departments are not going to draw the same kind of
p e o p l e a s sales d e p a r t m e n t s . N o w h e r e c o u l d t h i s b e m o r e evi-
d e n t t h a n in t h e organization of m a r r i a g e . In a c c o r d a n c e with
c o n t i n g e n c y theory, t h e r e is no o n e best organization of a mar-
r i a g e . A l t h o u g h Lily's a n d m y m a r r i a g e h a s b e e n o r g a n i z e d a c -
c o r d i n g to what s e e m to be stereotypical roles, that organization,
as I have suggested, is actually t h e p r o d u c t of o u r very different
p e r s o n a l i t i e s a n d c a l l i n g s a n d i s n o t i n a n y way s o m e t h i n g t h a t
we hold forth as a correct model. Goodness c a n n o t be stereo-
t y p e d . I c o u l d offer y o u s t e r e o t y p i c a l f o r m u l a s f o r b a d m a r -
r i a g e s ; I c a n n o t offer a n o r g a n i z a t i o n a l f o r m u l a f o r a g o o d
m a r r i a g e . E a c h s i t u a t i o n i s d i f f e r e n t b e c a u s e o f t h e v e r y differ-
e n t p a r t n e r s involved.
W h e n e v e r t h e r e i s a c c o u n t a b i l i t y s t r u c t u r e d i n t o a system,
be it as s m a l l as a m a r r i a g e or as h u g e as a c o r p o r a t i o n , t h e r e is
also a n a u t h o r i t y s t r u c t u r e . T h i s d o e s n ' t m e a n t h a t a u t h o r i t y
c a n ' t b e s h a r e d . F o r i n s t a n c e , t h e m o n e y Lily a n d I save i s split
equally b e t w e e n us. Any i m p o r t a n t decision a b o u t t h e c h i l d r e n
a n d a b o u t m a j o r i n v e s t m e n t s o r e x p e n s e s w e h a v e always m a d e
conjointly. N o n e t h e l e s s , a s i n d i v i d u a l s , w e e a c h h a v e l i m i t e d a u -
thority within o u r own domains.
A corporation president on the b o a r d of directors of FCE
h a s t a u g h t u s t h e t e r m " t h e a u t h o r i t y o f k n o w l e d g e . " Lily c a n
fulfill h e r h o m e m a k i n g r o l e w i t h o u t a n y day-to-day o v e r s i g h t
from me precisely because she has such authority. For e x a m p l e ,
a c o u p l e of w e e k s a g o , w h e n I was a b o u t to do a few local er-
r a n d s , Lily a s k e d m e i f I w o u l d p i c k u p a b u n c h o f p a r s l e y a t t h e
s t o r e . A l t h o u g h t h e o n l y p a r s l e y t h e r e was severely w i l t e d , I
b o u g h t a b u n c h r a t h e r t h a n m a k e a forty-mile r o u n d t r i p t o
p u r c h a s e s o m e t h a t was f r e s h . N o n e t h e l e s s , I p r e s e n t e d this
w i l t e d stuff t o Lily w i t h s o m e c h a g r i n . S h e i m m e d i a t e l y said,
" O h , t h a t ' s n o p r o b l e m ; y o u j u s t s o a k i t i n water." W i t h i n a day,
t h a t p a r s l e y l o o k e d a s fresh a s w h e n i t was p i c k e d . Lily k n o w s
t h e tricks o f h e r t r a d e .
O u r m a r r i a g e i s i n n o way h i e r a r c h i c a l . A l t h o u g h t h e r e i s a
system o f a c c o u n t a b i l i t y , n e i t h e r o f u s i s t h e o v e r a l l b o s s . B u t
t h e r e i s n o way i n l a r g e r systems, s u c h a s b u s i n e s s e s , t h a t y o u
can have a s t r u c t u r e of accountability w i t h o u t a c h a i n of c o m -
m a n d . W h a t t h a t c h a i n o f c o m m a n d will l o o k like c a n vary c o n -
siderably from business to business, c o n t i n g e n t u p o n t h e
n a t u r e of t h e business, b u t s o m e w h e r e t h e b u c k has to stop. Be-
cause they have h a d u n p l e a s a n t e x p e r i e n c e s with hierarchical
a u t h o r i t y systems, m a n y p e o p l e t e n d t o d i s t r u s t all s t r u c t u r e .
T h e y n e e d t o g u a r d a g a i n s t this t e n d e n c y . T h e r e c a n b e h i g h l y
d y s f u n c t i o n a l s t r u c t u r e s , b u t s t r u c t u r e i s b y n o m e a n s all b a d .
Most of it is g o o d . I n d e e d , over t h e years I have c o m e to learn
t h a t n o t only c h i l d r e n b u t adults very m u c h n e e d s t r u c t u r e .
E m p l o y e e s o f t e n suffer g r i e v o u s l y f r o m a l a c k o f s t r u c t u r e .
I first r e a l i z e d t h i s w h e n , at t h e a g e of t h i r t y - o n e , I was a s s i g n e d
to be the director of psychiatry at t h e U.S. Army Medical Cen-
t e r o n O k i n a w a . I n this p o s i t i o n I was t o m a n a g e a d e p a r t m e n t
o f a p p r o x i m a t e l y forty p e o p l e . U n t i l t h a t t i m e I h a d n e v e r m a n -
a g e d a n y b o d y . N o r h a d I e v e r r e c e i v e d a n y t h i n g faintly r e s e m -
b l i n g m a n a g e m e n t t r a i n i n g . Yet f r o m t h e m o m e n t I t o o k o v e r
t h e d e p a r t m e n t , I was p e r f e c t l y c l e a r i n m y o w n m i n d a b o u t
w h a t m y m a n a g e m e n t style w o u l d b e . I was g o i n g t o b e j u s t a s
different from every a u t h o r i t a r i a n boss w h o h a d ever b e e n in
c h a r g e of me as I c o u l d possibly b e .
I h a d n o i d e a h o w t o d e f i n e c o n s e n s u s , b u t I was g o i n g t o
strive f o r it. C e r t a i n l y m y m o d e l was a h i g h l y c o n s u l t a t i v e o n e .
Not only did I never m a k e an administrative decision without

c o n s u l t i n g e v e r y o n e i n v o l v e d , I d i d m y very b e s t t o s e e t h a t ,
within the constraints of professional c o m p e t e n c e , the p e o p l e
u n d e r m e m a d e their own decisions w h e n e v e r possible a b o u t
t h e m a t t e r s t h a t a f f e c t e d t h e i r o w n lives. B e c a u s e o u r s was a
m e d i c a l , " p r o f e s s i o n a l , " d e p a r t m e n t , I felt w e c o u l d i g n o r e t h e
m a t t e r of rank. I d i s c o u r a g e d t h e m from a d d r e s s i n g me as Ma-
j o r P e c k . S o o n e v e r y o n e was c a l l i n g m e Scotty. I was Mr. N i c e
Guy. A n d i t w o r k e d . T h e m o o d was e u p h o r i c . E v e r y b o d y s p o k e
g l o w i n g l y a b o u t w h a t a g o o d l e a d e r I was a n d h o w r e l i e v e d t h e y
were to be free of that stupid old l i e u t e n a n t colonel, their pre-
vious c o m m a n d e r . T h e work ran smoothly. T h e d e p a r t m e n t
m o r a l e was s u p e r b .
A f t e r j u s t a b o u t six m o n t h s , h o w e v e r , t h i n g s b e g a n t o g o
s o u r . T h e c h a n g e was a l m o s t i m p e r c e p t i b l e a t f i r s t . T h e e u p h o -
r i a was g o n e . T h e m e n s t o p p e d t a l k i n g a b o u t w h a t a g r e a t p l a c e
it was to w o r k . "All r i g h t , " I t o l d myself, " t h e h o n e y m o o n ' s over.
W h a t else c o u l d y o u e x p e c t ? N o w it's w o r k a s u s u a l , b u t n o t h -
ing's wrong." But by the n i n e - m o n t h m a r k things b e g a n to get
worse. While the work went on, petty bickering started. I won-
d e r e d w h e t h e r t h e r e m i g h t be a p r o b l e m , b u t I c o u l d see n o t h -
i n g t o a c c o u n t f o r it. C e r t a i n l y i t h a d n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h m e , for
h a d n ' t I s h o w n myself to be a b o r n leader? By t h e year m a r k ,
h o w e v e r , i t was c l e a r t h e r e was a p r o b l e m . T h e b i c k e r i n g h a d es-
c a l a t e d a n d w o r k was b e g i n n i n g t o suffer. L i t t l e t h i n g s w e r e b e -
i n g left u n d o n e .
A t this p o i n t fate s e e m e d t o c o m e t o m y r e s c u e . A m a j o r
n e w o u t p a t i e n t m e d i c a l c o m p l e x was i n t h e f i n a l s t a g e s o f c o n -
struction, a n d t h e hospital c o m m a n d e r told m e t h a t t h e clinic,
the largest part of o u r d e p a r t m e n t , would move there. O u r cur-
r e n t offices w e r e c r a m p e d , c o l d , a n d g l o o m y . T h e n e w o n e s
w o u l d b e m o d e r n a n d airy, w i t h views o v e r t h e Pacific a n d wall-
to-wall c a r p e t i n g . S u r e l y t h e m o r a l e w o u l d i m p r o v e a t t h e
p r o s p e c t of such a pleasant m o v e .
It didn't. It got worse. As m o v i n g day a p p r o a c h e d t h e en-
t i r e staff g r e w e v e r m o r e i r r i t a b l e . T h e y b e g a n t o s q u a b b l e w i t h
e a c h o t h e r a b o u t w h o w o u l d g e t w h i c h office i n t h e n e w b u i l d -
i n g . T h e p a c k i n g o f f i l e s fell way b e h i n d s c h e d u l e . I t was n o w fi-

nally o b v i o u s t h a t i t was m y r e s p o n s i b i l i t y t o d o s o m e t h i n g . B u t
w h a t ? I a n n o u n c e d t o t h e staff t h a t w e w e r e g o i n g t o m e e t o v e r
i n t h e n e w c o n f e r e n c e r o o m for t h e entirety o f t h e n e x t m o r n -
i n g . A n d t h a t w e w o u l d c o n t i n u e t o m e e t i n t h a t way e v e r y
morning—even though it meant working in the evenings—un-
til w e g o t t o t h e b o t t o m o f t h e p r o b l e m .
T h e two four-hour m e e t i n g s we h a d were t h e stormiest I
have ever attended. Everyone took potshots at me a n d at each
o t h e r . E v e r y o n e was a n g r y . E v e r y o n e h a d s o m e t h i n g t o c o m -
p l a i n a b o u t . Yet all t h e c o m p l a i n t s w e r e picky, s u p e r f i c i a l , a n d
s e e m i n g l y u n r e a s o n a b l e . I t was u n r e l i e v e d c h a o s . B u t t o w a r d
the e n d of the second m o r n i n g , o n e of the young enlisted m e n
said, "I feel I d o n ' t k n o w w h e r e I s t a n d . " I a s k e d h i m if he w o u l d
elaborate. He couldn't. He b e c a m e inarticulate a n d the g r o u p
c o n t i n u e d w i t h its r a n d o m conflict. B u t t h e y o u n g m a n ' s w o r d s
reverberated t h r o u g h my mind. Earlier that m o r n i n g s o m e o n e
else h a d said, " E v e r y t h i n g ' s v a g u e a r o u n d h e r e . " A n d t h e d a y
b e f o r e , a n o t h e r y o u n g m a n h a d v o i c e d t h e c o m p l a i n t : "It's like
w e ' r e a t sea." I t o l d t h e g r o u p I n e e d e d t i m e t o t h i n k , t h a t t h e y
should get back to work, a n d that we would n o t have any m o r e
of these m e e t i n g s for t h e foreseeable future.
W e r e t u r n e d t o t h e o l d b u i l d i n g a n d I sat i n m y office, star-
i n g a t t h e c e i l i n g , m y l u n c h o n t h e d e s k b e s i d e m e , u n e a t e n . Was
it possible t h e d e p a r t m e n t n e e d e d m o r e structure t h a n I h a d
provided? W h a t kind of structure? A clearer sense of rank? W h a t
d i d t h e y w a n t m e t o d o — b o s s t h e m a r o u n d like a b u n c h o f chil-
d r e n ? T h a t was totally a g a i n s t m y n a t u r e . B u t t h e n m o s t o f t h e m
were r a t h e r y o u n g , after all. C o u l d i t b e t h a t t h e y w a n t e d m e t o b e
s o m e k i n d o f f a t h e r f i g u r e ? Yet i f I s t a r t e d o r d e r i n g t h e m a r o u n d
like a n a u t o c r a t , w o u l d n ' t t h e y h a t e m e ? I w a n t e d t o b e Mr. N i c e
Guy. But, c o m e t o t h i n k o f it, i t was n o t m y j o b t o b e p o p u l a r ; i t
was m y j o b t o r u n t h e b e s t p o s s i b l e d e p a r t m e n t I c o u l d . M a y b e
they n e e d e d a stronger kind of leadership from m e .
I c a l l e d t h e n o n c o m m i s s i o n e d officer i n c h a r g e o f t h e d e -
p a r t m e n t a n d asked h i m t o b r i n g m e the plans for the new
building as soon as possible. W h e n he r e t u r n e d , we u n r o l l e d
t h e floor p l a n for t h e psychiatry o u t p a t i e n t clinic on my desk. I

p o i n t e d t o t h e l a r g e r c o r n e r office. " T h a t will b e m i n e , " I a n -
n o u n c e d . T h e n , p a u s i n g j u s t l o n g e n o u g h for h i m t o n o t e each
assignment, I proceeded along the blueprint through the
s m a l l e r offices: "We'll p u t C a p t a i n A m e s h e r e , y o u h e r e ,
Sergeant Ryan there, L i e u t e n a n t H o b s o n h e r e , Private C o o p e r -
m a n t h e r e , C a p t a i n M a r s h a l l h e r e , S e r g e a n t M o s e l y h e r e , Pri-
vate Enowitch there," a n d so on d o w n t h e m a p . "Now please go
i n f o r m e a c h o f t h e m o f t h e office I've a s s i g n e d h i m t o . "
Y o u c o u l d p r a c t i c a l l y h e a r t h e h o w l s o f d i s m a y all a c r o s s
the island. But by evening m o r a l e h a d b e g u n to improve, a n d
t h e n e x t d a y I w a t c h e d i t e s c a l a t e . B y t h e e n d o f t h e w e e k , i t was
b a c k t o w h e r e i t h a d b e e n a t its b e s t . T h e y still c a l l e d m e Scotty,
a n d m y o v e r a l l style o f l e a d e r s h i p c o n t i n u e d t o b e r e l a t i v e l y —
although no longer rigidly—nonauthoritarian. But morale
s t a y e d h i g h f o r t h e r e m a i n i n g y e a r o f m y duty.
Y o u c o u l d t h i n k of this as a s u c c e s s story. I d i d e v e n t u a l l y
a c k n o w l e d g e t h a t t h e r e was a p r o b l e m a n d t h a t i t was m y r e -
sponsibility. I f i n a l l y t o o k t h e c o r r e c t s t e p s t o d i a g n o s e i t a n d
was a b l e t o r e a d j u s t m y b e h a v i o r t o m e e t t h e n e e d s o f t h e o r g a -
n i z a t i o n . I n d e e d , i t was a d r a m a t i c e x a m p l e o f h o w a s y s t e m c a n
b e successfully c h a n g e d b y a s i m p l e i n t e r v e n t i o n . H o w e v e r , i t
c a n a l s o b e r e g a r d e d a s a s t o r y o f f a i l u r e . F o r t h e fact o f t h e m a t -
ter is that the d e p a r t m e n t — t h e organization a n d t h e individu-
als w i t h i n it—suffered f o r o v e r six m o n t h s o n a c c o u n t o f m y p o o r
l e a d e r s h i p . I t was i n d e l i b l y c l e a r t h a t w e h a d a s i g n i f i c a n t
m o r a l e p r o b l e m a t l e a s t six m o n t h s b e f o r e I t o o k c o r r e c t i v e a c -
tion. W h y d i d I take so long?
O n e r e a s o n was m y s e l f - e s t e e m . I s i m p l y d i d n o t w a n t t o b e -
lieve t h a t t h e r e was a n y t h i n g w r o n g w i t h m e o r t h a t m y l e a d e r -
s h i p was a n y t h i n g o t h e r t h a n p e r f e c t . F u e l i n g t h a t c o n c e i t ,
h o w e v e r , w e r e m y n e e d s : m y n e e d t o offer t h e d e p a r t m e n t a
simplistically c o m p a s s i o n a t e , n o n a u t h o r i t a r i a n style o f s u p e r v i -
sion, a n d m y n e e d t o receive back t h e c o n s t a n t affection a n d
gratitude of my subordinates. Until that final day I never even
s t o p p e d t o ask w h e t h e r m y n e e d s m a t c h e d those o f t h e organi-
zation. It almost r e q u i r e d a revelation for me to realize t h a t it
was n o t n e c e s s a r i l y m y j o b — m y r o l e i n t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n — t o b e
popular.
I t also n e v e r o c c u r r e d t o m e t h a t t h e r e was a n y t h i n g o t h e r
t h a n o n e b e s t way t o r u n a n y o r g a n i z a t i o n . I h a d n e v e r h e a r d o f
c o n t i n g e n c y t h e o r y b a c k t h e n . M y g r o u p c o n s c i o u s n e s s was s o
l i m i t e d t h a t I gave n o t h o u g h t t o h o w r e m a r k a b l y y o u n g t h e
m e m b e r s of the d e p a r t m e n t were, a n d hence no thought to the
possibility t h a t t h e d e p a r t m e n t m i g h t r e q u i r e a d i f f e r e n t style
of leadership than an organization whose personnel were m o r e
m a t u r e . W e h a d all s u f f e r e d n e e d l e s s l y f o r m o n t h s b e c a u s e o f a
lack o f s t r u c t u r e .
A l t h o u g h p e o p l e o f t e n d o n ' t r e a l i z e it, s t r u c t u r e s c a n b e
flexible. A significant p a r t of t h e w o r k at FCE is to t e a c h orga-
nizations, b o t h large a n d small, h o w to " o p e r a t e in community."
W h e n o p e r a t i n g in c o m m u n i t y , t h e g r o u p d o e s n o t have a rigid
authority structure; authority a n d leadership are shared, as they
m u s t b e t o m a x i m i z e c o m m u n i c a t i o n . B u t w e c o u l d n o t d o this
work if it m e a n t that organizations h a d to a b a n d o n their hier-
archical authority structure altogether. We can do it only be-
cause it is possible for an o r g a n i z a t i o n to o p e r a t e in a
h i e r a r c h i c a l m o d e m o s t o f t h e t i m e , d e a l i n g w i t h its day-to-day
o p e r a t i o n s , b u t t o switch t o a c o m m u n i t y m o d e i n r e s p o n s e t o
c e r t a i n issues a n d p r o b l e m s ( s u c h a s t h o s e o f diversity a n d
morale) a n d whenever g r o u p decision m a k i n g is required.
As I n o t e d in The Road Less Traveled, o n e c h a r a c t e r i s t i c of
i n d i v i d u a l m e n t a l h e a l t h i s w h a t I call flexible r e s p o n s e systems.
T h e s e a r e also a c h a r a c t e r i s t i c o f o r g a n i z a t i o n a l h e a l t h . A n or-
g a n i z a t i o n t h a t h a s two m o d e s o f o p e r a t i n g a t its c o m m a n d a n d
can use o n e or the other, c o n t i n g e n t u p o n the circumstances, is
obviously g o i n g t o b e h e a l t h i e r t h a n a n o r g a n i z a t i o n t h a t c a n
f u n c t i o n o n l y in a s i n g l e way.
BOUNDARIES A N D VULNERABILITY
W h e r e v e r a structure of accountability a n d differing roles has

b e e n e s t a b l i s h e d , t h e r e y o u will find b o u n d a r i e s . S u c h b o u n d -
aries a r e a two-edged sword. On t h e o n e h a n d , they a r e essen-

tial. I f p e r s o n n e l i n t h e sales d e p a r t m e n t felt totally f r e e t o
m a r c h i n t o t h e m a r k e t i n g d e p a r t m e n t a n d tell i t h o w t o m a r k e t
the product, the result would be chaos. On the o t h e r h a n d , if
t h e b o u n d a r i e s o f t h e s e two d i f f e r e n t d e p a r t m e n t s a r e s o r i g i d
that there can be no communication between them, immobi-
l i z a t i o n a n d i n e f f i c i e n t c o m p e t i t i v e n e s s will b e t h e r e s u l t . O n e
reason FCE is b r o u g h t into corporations to build c o m m u n i t y is
i n o r d e r t o soften d e p a r t m e n t a l b o u n d a r i e s that have b e c o m e
so rigid that they p r e v e n t i m p o r t a n t c o m m u n i c a t i o n a n d func-
tional i n t e r d e p e n d e n c e .
T h e choices of a major business executive a b o u t how to
d e a l w i t h s u c h b o u n d a r y issues a r e c h o i c e s relatively few h a v e t o
e x e r c i s e . B u t e v e r y h u m a n b e i n g h a s t o d e a l w i t h b o u n d a r y is-
sues within t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n o f his o r h e r m a r r i a g e , n u c l e a r
family, e x t e n d e d family, n e t w o r k o f f r i e n d s h i p , a n d e m p l o y -
m e n t . Each of us as individuals m u s t m a k e choices day in a n d
day o u t in defining o u r b o u n d a r i e s within the framework of any
organization.
P e r h a p s t h e e a s i e s t o f s u c h c h o i c e s involve t h e d e g r e e t o
which you are going to respect other people's boundaries.
W h a t m a k e s t h e s e d e c i s i o n s e a s i e r i s t h a t y o u will e v e n t u a l l y b e
p u n i s h e d , o n e way o r a n o t h e r , for failing t o p e r c e i v e s u c h
b o u n d a r i e s a n d a c t a c c o r d i n g l y . T h e s e b o u n d a r i e s will vary
from individual to individual a n d culture to culture. Psycholo-
gists, f o r i n s t a n c e , h a v e d i s c e r n e d t h a t t h e r e is a specific dis-
t a n c e a t w h i c h m o s t p e o p l e i n a g i v e n c u l t u r e feel c o m f o r t a b l e
c o m m u n i c a t i n g w i t h t h e i r fellows. I n t h e U n i t e d S t a t e s , t h a t dis-
t a n c e i s relatively l a r g e , a n d s e l d o m d o w e talk w i t h a n e w a c -
q u a i n t a n c e u n l e s s o u r faces a r e a g o o d t h r e e f e e t d i s t a n t f r o m
each other. In India, on the o t h e r h a n d , the n o r m may be m o r e
like o n e f o o t . T h e r e l a t i o n s h i p b e t w e e n this c o n c e p t o f a c t u a l
p h y s i c a l s p a c e a n d b o u n d a r i e s i s r e c o g n i z e d i n o u r c u r r e n t psy-
c h o l o g i c a l l i n g o b y t h e e x p r e s s i o n " t o give e a c h o t h e r s p a c e . "
Such space, of course, is m u c h m o r e complex than m e r e
f o o t a g e . A d o z e n y e a r s a g o , f o r e x a m p l e , Lily was r i d i n g t h e
S t a t e n I s l a n d F e r r y w i t h h e r m o t h e r , w h o was i n t h e e a r l y stages
o f senility a t t h e t i m e . W h i l e t h e y w e r e s i t t i n g o n t h e ferry, h e r
m o t h e r s p i e d a g r a y h a i r i n Lily's f i n e b l a c k c r o w n , a n d w i t h o u t
p e r m i s s i o n t o d o so, s u d d e n l y r e a c h e d o v e r a n d y a n k e d t h a t
h a i r o u t . Lily n a t u r a l l y felt v i o l a t e d . T h i s was n o t , o f c o u r s e , t h e
s a m e level o f v i o l a t i o n a s r a p e o r r o b b e r y o r m u r d e r , b u t t h e
e p i s o d e m a k e s t h e p o i n t t h a t i n lesser ways w e v i o l a t e o t h e r p e o -
p l e ' s b o u n d a r i e s all t h e t i m e a n d c a u s e t h e i r r e s e n t m e n t w h e n -
ever we do so.
Nonetheless, b o u n d a r i e s m u s t be violated at certain times.
Perhaps the most agonizing decisions we ever have to m a k e
c o n c e r n w h e n t o i n t e r v e n e i n t h e affairs o f o u r c h i l d r e n , o u r
friends, a n d , as we get older, o u r parents. H o w do you k n o w
w h e n t o i n t e r v e n e i n t h e life o f a n a d o l e s c e n t o r y o u n g a d u l t
c h i l d , a n d w h e n t o t r u s t t h e way t h a t s h e i s flowing? O r w h e n t o
confront a friend w h o seems to have taken the wrong path? Or
w h e n t o s t e p i n t o insist t h a t e l d e r l y p a r e n t s g e t t h e c a r e t h e y
o b v i o u s l y n e e d a n d j u s t a s obviously d o n ' t w a n t ? You d o n ' t .
T h e r e i s n o f o r m u l a . All s u c h d e c i s i o n s m u s t b e m a d e o u t o f t h e
"agony of n o t knowing." We are confronted, o n c e again, with
t h e p a r a d o x e s o f life a n d t h e fact t h a t w e a r e a l m o s t a t o n e a n d
the same time called to respect the b o u n d a r i e s of others and,
u p o n o c c a s i o n , t o i n t e r f e r e i n t h e i r lives n o m a t t e r h o w m u c h
t h e y m i g h t h a t e u s f o r it.
In my e x p e r i e n c e , however, a greater p r o b l e m t h a n that of
learning an awareness of others' boundaries, a n d when a n d
how to respect them, is the p r o b l e m of choosing a n d setting
o u r o w n b o u n d a r i e s . W h e n I w a s still i n t h e p r a c t i c e o f psy-
c h o t h e r a p y , i t s e e m e d t o m e t h a t a t least h a l f m y p a t i e n t s h a d
w h a t I c a m e t o call d r a w b r i d g e p r o b l e m s . S o o n e r o r l a t e r I
w o u l d say to t h e m , "All of us live in a castle. A r o u n d t h e castle,
t h e r e is a m o a t , a n d over t h e m o a t t h e r e is a d r a w b r i d g e which
w e c a n l o w e r o p e n o r r a i s e s h u t , d e p e n d i n g u p o n o u r will." T h e
p r o b l e m was t h a t m y p a t i e n t s ' d r a w b r i d g e s d i d n o t w o r k v e r y
well. E i t h e r t h e y w e r e l a i d o p e n all t h e t i m e , s o t h a t virtually
anyone a n d everyone could amble into their personal space,
p r o w l a r o u n d , stay a s l o n g a s t h e y l i k e d , a n d d o w h a t e v e r h a r m
t h e y w o u l d — o r else t h e i r d r a w b r i d g e s w e r e r a i s e d s h u t a n d
s t u c k s o t h a t n o b o d y a n d n o t h i n g c o u l d p e n e t r a t e t h e i r iso-
l a t e d s o l i t u d e . N e i t h e r c a s e was b e n i g n .
T h e s e p a t i e n t s l a c k e d f r e e d o m a n d t h e flexible r e s p o n s e
systems t h a t a r e s u c h a d r a m a t i c c h a r a c t e r i s t i c o f m e n t a l h e a l t h .
F o r i n s t a n c e , in The Road Less Traveled, I d i s c u s s e d a w o m a n w h o
w o u l d s l e e p w i t h every m a n s h e d a t e d , w h i c h left h e r f e e l i n g s o
d e g r a d e d t h a t s h e w o u l d t h e n c e a s e d a t i n g a l t o g e t h e r . I t was a
veritable revelation for h e r t o l e a r n t h a t t h e r e a r e s o m e m e n
you d o n ' t w a n t t o let i n t h r o u g h y o u r front door, s o m e you
m i g h t w a n t t o l e t i n t h r o u g h y o u r f r o n t d o o r a n d i n t o y o u r liv-
ing r o o m but not into your b e d r o o m , and some you might want
t o let i n t o y o u r b e d r o o m . S h e h a d n e v e r c o n s i d e r e d that t h e r e
m i g h t b e — m i g h t n e e d t o b e — a t l e a s t t h r e e d i f f e r e n t ways t o r e -
s p o n d to different m e n in any given situation. N o r h a d she per-
ceived that she h a d the power to m a k e such discriminating
choices, to draw a line to establish a n d p r o t e c t h e r b o u n d a r i e s .
It is o u r choice w h e n to lower o u r drawbridges a n d w h e n
t o r a i s e t h e m . B u t this c h o i c e l e a d s u s i n t o yet a n o t h e r c o m -
plexity. I f w e k e e p o u r d r a w b r i d g e s o p e n , p e o p l e o r issues m a y
c o m e i n t o o u r lives a n d h u r t u s , n o t s o m u c h physically a s e m o -
tionally. T h e r e s p o n s e o f m a n y t o t h i s d i l e m m a i s t o k e e p t h e i r
physical d r a w b r i d g e s s o m e w h a t o p e n , b u t t h e i r e m o t i o n a l
d r a w b r i d g e s firmly c l o s e d . I t i s a s i f a n e x e c u t i v e h a d a n " o p e n
d o o r " policy, b u t n o b o d y w h o c a m e i n t h r o u g h t h a t d o o r e v e r
a f f e c t e d h i m . O n e o f o u r o n g o i n g p r o b l e m s i n life i s t o c o n -
stantly c h o o s e t h e d e g r e e t o w h i c h w e a r e g o i n g t o a l l o w o u r -
selves t o b e e m o t i o n a l l y a f f e c t e d b y issues a n d o t h e r p e o p l e .
This is the d i l e m m a of vulnerability.
T h e w o r d " v u l n e r a b i l i t y " m e a n s t h e ability t o b e w o u n d e d .
In choosing how vulnerable we are going to be as h u m a n be-
ings, it is essential t h a t we m a k e t h e distinction b e t w e e n w o u n d -
ing as in being hurt and wounding as in being damaged. To
help m a k e that distinction in my lectures, on occasion I used to
ask i f t h e r e was a n y o n e i n t h e a u d i e n c e w h o was w i l l i n g t o vol-
u n t e e r for a n u n k n o w n b u t painful e x p e r i m e n t . Fortunately,

s o m e b r a v e s o u l always was. I w o u l d a s k t h e v o l u n t e e r t o c o m e
u p o n stage a n d I w o u l d p i n c h his o r h e r u p p e r a r m q u i t e sharply.
T h e n I w o u l d s t a n d b a c k a n d ask, " D i d t h a t h u r t y o u ? " T h e vol-
u n t e e r w o u l d r e p l y v i g o r o u s l y t h a t i t d i d . T h e n I w o u l d ask,
"Did it d a m a g e you?" T h e volunteer would usually—and some-
times reluctantly—acknowledge that while she or he h a d expe-
rienced pain, no p e r m a n e n t d a m a g e h a d been sustained as a
result.
U n d e r a l m o s t all c i r c u m s t a n c e s , i t w o u l d b e p l a i n s t u p i d t o
walk i n t o a s i t u a t i o n w h e r e y o u a r e likely t o b e p e r m a n e n t l y d a m -
a g e d . B u t i t m i g h t b e very s m a r t t o o p e n y o u r s e l f u p — w i t h i n lim-
i t s — t o s i t u a t i o n s i n w h i c h y o u w o u l d b e likely t o e x p e r i e n c e
s o m e e m o t i o n a l p a i n , s u c h as in t a k i n g a risk to e n t e r a r e l a t i o n -
ship that has the potential to lead to c o m m i t m e n t . Again it is
n e c e s s a r y t o d i s t i n g u i s h b e t w e e n t h e p a t h o f s m a r t selfishness
a n d t h e p a t h o f s t u p i d selfishness. S t u p i d selfishness, y o u will
r e m e m b e r , is t r y i n g to avoid all e m o t i o n a l , e x i s t e n t i a l suffering,
w h e r e a s s m a r t selfishness i s d i s t i n g u i s h i n g b e t w e e n suffering t h a t
i s n e u r o t i c , u n n e c e s s a r y , a n d u n p r o d u c t i v e , a n d suffering t h a t i s
i n h e r e n t i n life a n d p r o d u c t i v e o f l e a r n i n g .
So it is necessary for o u r own e m o t i o n a l health a n d learn-
ing t h a t we retain the capacity to choose to be o p e n to b e i n g a
v u l n e r a b l e p e r s o n . It is also necessary for m e a n i n g f u l c o m m u -
n i c a t i o n a n d o r g a n i z a t i o n a l b e h a v i o r . As I w r o t e in What Return
Can I Make?
W h a t h a p p e n s w h e n o n e p e r s o n t a k e s t h e risk t o say t o
another: I'm confused, I'm not sure where I am going;
I ' m f e e l i n g lost a n d l o n e l y ; I ' m t i r e d a n d f r i g h t e n e d .
Will y o u h e l p m e ? T h e effect o f s u c h v u l n e r a b i l i t y i s al-
m o s t invariably disarming. "I'm lonely a n d tired too,"
o t h e r s a r e likely t o say a n d o p e n t h e i r a r m s t o u s .
B u t w h a t h a p p e n s i f w e try t o m a i n t a i n a " m a c h o "
image of having it altogether, of being the top dog,
w h e n we gird ourselves a b o u t with o u r psychological
defenses? W e b e c o m e u n a p p r o a c h a b l e , a n d o u r
neighbors guard themselves in their defenses, a n d o u r
h u m a n relationships b e c o m e no m o r e meaningful or
p r o d u c t i v e t h a n two e m p t y t a n k s b u m p i n g a g a i n s t
each other in the night.
I a m n o t a d v i s i n g a n y o n e t o b e totally v u l n e r a b l e , n o r t o b e
v u l n e r a b l e a t all t i m e s . N o n e t h e l e s s , i f y o u c h o o s e t o b e a h e a l -
i n g p r e s e n c e i n t h e w o r l d , i t will b e n e c e s s a r y t o c h o o s e
t h r o u g h o u t y o u r life t o r e t a i n t h e c a p a c i t y t o b e w o u n d e d t o a t
least s o m e d e g r e e . A justifiably f a m o u s b o o k by H e n r i N o u w e n
is e n t i t l e d The Wounded Healer. T h e m e s s a g e of t h a t b o o k , as its
title s u g g e s t s , i s t h a t i f w e a r e t o b e effective h e a l e r s w e m u s t al-
l o w o u r s e l v e s , w i t h i n limits, t o b e c o n t i n u a l l y w o u n d e d , a n d
that, indeed, it is only out of o u r w o u n d e d n e s s that we can heal
or be healed.
But again, t h e r e m u s t b e limits. A m a n b y t h e n a m e o f J o h n
Kiley o n c e i n t r o d u c e d m e t o a Z e n B u d d h i s t - l i k e e x p r e s s i o n :
" t o w e e p w i t h o n e e y e . " W e e p i n g w i t h o n e eye d o e s n o t m e a n
that t h e suffering of vulnerability s h o u l d be halfhearted b u t
o n l y t h a t o n e s h o u l d g e n e r a l l y n o t b e d a m a g e d b y it. T h e e x -
pression points to t h e distinction b e t w e e n e m p a t h y a n d sympa-
thy. E m p a t h y , t h e c a p a c i t y t o feel a n d t o s o m e d e g r e e t a k e o n
a n o t h e r p e r s o n ' s p a i n , i s always a v i r t u e . S y m p a t h y , o n t h e o t h e r
h a n d , i s m o r e like symbiosis, o r a t o t a l i d e n t i f i c a t i o n w i t h t h e
o t h e r p e r s o n . I a m n o t s a y i n g t h a t all s y m p a t h y i s b a d , b u t i f y o u
wallow i n a n o t h e r p e r s o n ' s d e p r e s s i o n t o s u c h a n e x t e n t t h a t
y o u b e c o m e d e p r e s s e d yourself, y o u h a v e n o t o n l y t a k e n o n a n
unnecessary b u r d e n b u t m a d e yourself unlikely to be able to
help that person.
T h i s d i s t i n c t i o n is, o f c o u r s e , e x t r e m e l y i m p o r t a n t f o r psy-
chotherapists. T h e single greatest talent a psychotherapist can
possess is t h e capacity to be simultaneously b o t h involved a n d
d e t a c h e d . T h i s i s w h a t i s m e a n t b y w e e p i n g w i t h o n e eye. I t i s
not, however, a talent to be d e v e l o p e d j u s t by psychotherapists;
it is a capacity that m u s t be d e v e l o p e d by a n y o n e w h o desires to
be a healing presence in the world.
POWER
In The Road Less Traveled, I d r e w t h e d i s t i n c t i o n b e t w e e n spiri-

t u a l a n d p o l i t i c a l p o w e r . P o l i t i c a l p o w e r i s essentially t h e c a p a c -
ity t o f o r c e o r i n f l u e n c e o t h e r s t o d o w h a t y o u w a n t t h e m t o d o .
It is a function of t h e s t r u c t u r e of organizations. Political p o w e r
d o e s n o t actually reside within t h e p e r s o n himself b u t r a t h e r in
the position he holds in a hierarchy or in the money he hap-
pens to have to create organizations to do what he wants to be
d o n e . P o l i t i c a l p o w e r i s always " t e m p o r a l . " O n e m a y h a v e i t f o r
a w h i l e , b u t e v e n t u a l l y it will always be w r e s t e d away, if n o t by r e -
p l a c e m e n t o r m a n d a t o r y r e t i r e m e n t , t h e n b y o l d a g e or, ulti-
mately, d e a t h f r o m e i t h e r n a t u r a l c a u s e s o r a s s a s s i n a t i o n .
S p i r i t u a l p o w e r , o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , h a s little t o d o w i t h or-
ganization or structure. It resides n o t in position or in m o n e y
b u t in the person's being. It is the capacity to influence others,
often by e x a m p l e , simply by virtue of the kind of p e r s o n that
o n e is. T h o s e w h o a r e politically p o w e r f u l u s u a l l y d o n o t p o s -
sess m u c h i n t h e way o f s p i r i t u a l p o w e r . Conversely, t h e s p i r i t u -
ally p o w e r f u l a r e a s likely t o b e f o u n d a m o n g t h e p o o r a n d
disenfranchised.
I do n o t m e a n to imply that there can be no overlap be-
tween political a n d spiritual power. Executives are subject to
t h e very s a m e t e m p t a t i o n s t h a t J e s u s c o n f r o n t e d i n t h e desert.
U n l i k e J e s u s , t h e y a r e likely t o f l u n k t h e test. T h e y a r e reflec-
tions of L o r d Acton's famous maxim: "Power tends to c o r r u p t
a n d a b s o l u t e p o w e r c o r r u p t s absolutely." A l t h o u g h t h a t i s u s u -
ally t r u e , i t h a s b e e n m y g o o d f o r t u n e t o k n o w a n u m b e r o f ex-
tremely powerful executives w h o were n o t corrupt; rather, they
w e r e e x c e p t i o n a l l y self-reflective p e o p l e w i t h e x t r a o r d i n a r y in-
sight a n d c o n c e r n for o t h e r s . A n d they suffered d e e p l y i n t h e i r
w o r k . B y n e c e s s i t y t h e y w e p t w i t h o n e eye, b u t t h e y m a i n t a i n e d
t h e i r capacity for vulnerability.
N o e x p e r i e n c e i n m y life was m o r e p a i n f u l t h a n w h e n F C E
was h i t b y t h e r e c e s s i o n a n d , i n 1 9 9 1 , a f t e r r u n n i n g heavily i n
t h e r e d for two years, h a d to downsize. As p a r t of t h e m a n a g e -
m e n t of that organization, I h a d to participate in the painful de-
c i s i o n t o lay off e i g h t v e r y c o m p e t e n t p e o p l e . S u c h p a i n i s o n e
o f t h e r e a s o n s why m o s t executives b e c o m e h a r d e n e d a n d lose
t h e i r c a p a c i t y for v u l n e r a b i l i t y . Yet o n l y t h o s e few a b l e t o r e t a i n
their capacity for vulnerability are t h e truly great leaders. O n c e
a g a i n , as I w r o t e in The Road Less Traveled, " P e r h a p s t h e b e s t
m e a s u r e o f a p e r s o n ' s g r e a t n e s s i s h i s o r h e r c a p a c i t y t o suffer."
I t i s easy t o o v e r e s t i m a t e t h e p o l i t i c a l p o w e r o f e x e c u t i v e s .
In a h i g h - r a n k i n g executive position, t h e i r h a n d s are often tied.
B u t n o t with r e s p e c t to this overlap of political a n d spiritual
p o w e r . T h e g r e a t e s t p o w e r a t o p e x e c u t i v e h a s i s t h e ability t o
d e t e r m i n e t h e spirit of t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n . If his spirit is m e a n in
s o m e way, t h a t m e a n n e s s will p e r v a d e t h e e n t i r e o r g a n i z a t i o n .
T h i s was i m p r e s s e d u p o n m e w h e n I w o r k e d i n t h e f e d e r a l gov-
e r n m e n t in W a s h i n g t o n from 1970 to 1972, d u r i n g t h e N i x o n
a d m i n i s t r a t i o n . T h e s p i r i t o f "dirty t r i c k s " was virtually every-
where. On the other hand, in those perhaps rare instances
w h e n a t o p e x e c u t i v e i s a d e e p l y h o n e s t p e r s o n , y o u will p r o b a -
bly f i n d a n u n u s u a l l y h o n e s t o r g a n i z a t i o n .
W h i l e p o l i t i c a l p o w e r is g e n e r a l l y a t t a i n a b l e by o n l y a rela-
tive few, s p i r i t u a l p o w e r c a n b e a t t a i n e d b y m o s t . A l t h o u g h t o a
c o n s i d e r a b l e e x t e n t i t i s a gift f r o m G o d , b e g i n n i n g w i t h t h e
creation of the individual soul, p e o p l e can c h o o s e to neglect or
cultivate t h e i r souls. W h e n you m a k e t h e c h o i c e for conscious-
ness, l e a r n i n g , a n d growth, t h e n you have also c h o s e n t h e p a t h
of spiritual power, which resides in your b e i n g a n d n o t in your
position.
T h r o u g h o u t the centuries, theologians, in considering the
d i c h o t o m y b e t w e e n b e i n g a n d d o i n g , have invariably c o m e
d o w n i n favor o f b e i n g . I n o t h e r w o r d s , w h o y o u a r e — w h a t k i n d
o f p e r s o n y o u a r e — i s m u c h m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n w h a t y o u ac-
tually d o . T h a t i s h a r d t o g r a s p i n o u r a c t i o n - o r i e n t e d c u l t u r e . I
c a n n o t tell y o u t h e n u m b e r o f t i m e s I w e n t t o Lily a t t h e e n d o f
a d a y o f m y p s y c h i a t r i c p r a c t i c e a n d said t o h e r , " I really d i d
s o m e t h i n g p h e n o m e n a l w i t h T o m today. I m a d e a b r i l l i a n t in-
t e r v e n t i o n . I t was a b e a u t i f u l m a n e u v e r . " T h e p r o b l e m was t h a t
T o m w o u l d t h e n c o m e b a c k for his n e x t session a n d act as if
n o t h i n g h a d h a p p e n e d . I w o u l d ask h i m a f t e r a w h i l e w h a t h e
t h o u g h t a b o u t o u r p r e v i o u s s e s s i o n . " W h a t a b o u t it?" T o m
w o u l d ask. I w o u l d t h e n r e m i n d h i m o f t h e b r i l l i a n t t h i n g I h a d
d o n e o r said, a n d T o m w o u l d s c r a t c h h i s h e a d , c o m m e n t i n g , " I
vaguely r e m e m b e r s o m e t h i n g a b o u t that."
O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , T o m m i g h t c o m e i n for a session a n d
e x c l a i m , " G o d , Dr. P e c k , w h a t y o u s a i d last w e e k h a s totally rev-
o l u t i o n i z e d m y life." T h e n i t w o u l d b e m y t u r n t o s c r a t c h m y
h e a d a n d a s k w h a t I h a d s a i d o r d o n e t h a t was s o i m p o r t a n t .
T o m w o u l d a n s w e r , " D o n ' t y o u r e m e m b e r a t t h e e n d o f o u r last
s e s s i o n , j u s t a s I was l e a v i n g t h e office, y o u s a i d s u c h a n d s u c h ?
T h a n k y o u . T h a n k y o u . " I d i d n ' t r e m e m b e r w h a t e v e r i t was I
h a d s a i d t h a t was s o h e a l i n g . I t w a s n ' t a n y t h i n g t h a t I h a d d o n e
b u t r a t h e r s o m e t h i n g t h a t h a d j u s t "flowed" o u t o f m y b e i n g .
As a p s y c h o t h e r a p i s t I u s e d to be v e r y i n t e r e s t e d in J e s u s '
"zap" cures ( a l t h o u g h t h e scientist i n m e w o u l d have liked s o m e
g o o d follow-up s t u d i e s ) . T h e y a r e n o t t h e n o r m i n t h e p r a c t i c e
o f psychiatry. I n d e e d , i n m y w h o l e c a r e e r , I h a v e h a d o n l y o n e
z a p c u r e , w h i c h o c c u r r e d i n t h e c o n t e x t o f c o m m u n i t y . I t was a t
a five-day community-building w o r k s h o p for almost four h u n -
d r e d p e o p l e at a beautiful retreat center in N o r t h Carolina. By
t h e e n d o f t h e t h i r d day, t h e g r o u p a s a w h o l e h a d r e a c h e d
" c o m m u n i t y , " b u t t h e r e w e r e still a few s t r a g g l e r s w h o w e r e n ' t
t h e r e yet a n d m i g h t never be. O n t h e m o r n i n g o f t h e fourth
day, I was c a r r y i n g two c u p s o f coffee f r o m t h e d i n i n g r o o m
b a c k t o m y o w n r o o m f o r m y solitary p r a y e r t i m e w h e n I s p i e d a
w o m a n s i t t i n g o n t h e p a r a p e t w i t h a towel c l u t c h e d t o h e r h e a d ,
in t h e m o s t obvious distress. I s t o p p e d , n o t b e c a u s e I w a n t e d to
b e c o m e i n v o l v e d b u t s i m p l y b e c a u s e I was c u r i o u s .
"My G o d , y o u l o o k m i s e r a b l e , " I said. " W h a t ' s t h e m a t t e r ? "
T h e lady c l u t c h e d h e r towel even tighter a n d m u m b l e d i n
a g o n y , "I've g o t a m i g r a i n e . "
" I ' m sorry," I r e s p o n d e d . " I h o p e i t g e t s b e t t e r . " A n d I p r o -
c e e d e d o n m y way.
B u t as I m o v e d off, I h e a r d t h e w o m a n say, " I ' m so a n g r y .
I'm so d a m n angry!"
A g a i n , I s t o p p e d , n o t t o try t o h e a l h e r b u t o u t o f c u r i o s i t y
o n c e m o r e . "Why are you so angry?"
"I'm so angry at those d a m n charismatic phonies," she

replied. 'You know, t h e o n e s w h o d u r i n g t h e singing raise their
h a n d s u p i n t h e air a n d wiggle t h e m a b o u t . T h e y ' r e j u s t trying
to p r e t e n d to be pious."
"I think you're right that m a n y of t h e m are probably trying
to look pious," I c o m m e n t e d , "but I think probably s o m e of
t h e m are j u s t having fun."
T h e l a d y l o o k e d a t m e w i t h s u d d e n l y w i d e eyes. " O h , m y
G o d , I've n e v e r h a d f u n , " s h e b l u r t e d .
"Well, I h o p e s o m e d a y y o u d o , " I r e m a r k e d , a n d left w i t h
m y coffee, i n t e n t u p o n m y p r a y e r t i m e .
A t t h e e n d o f t h e d a y i t was r e p o r t e d t o m e t h a t t h i s w o m a n
no longer h a d a migraine. She h a d b e e n able to reach c o m m u -
nity a n d h a d s p e n t t h e e n t i r e a f t e r n o o n telling o t h e r m e m b e r s
o f h e r g r o u p , "Dr. P e c k h e a l e d m e . I've n e v e r h a d f u n . Dr. P e c k
h e a l e d m e . " T h a t was m y o n e " z a p " c u r e . I t h i n k i t was n o acci-
d e n t that it o c c u r r e d at a time w h e n I wasn't even trying to heal.
I n d e e d , t h e best psychotherapists eventually learn, if they
h a n g i n t h e r e l o n g e n o u g h , t o s t o p trying t o h e a l t h e i r p a t i e n t s .
W h a t t h e y c a n realistically s e t t h e i r s i g h t s o n i s b u i l d i n g t h e b e s t
possible r e l a t i o n s h i p — o r c o m m u n i t y — w i t h their patients; within
t h a t r e l a t i o n s h i p , h e a l i n g will n a t u r a l l y o c c u r w i t h o u t t h e i r hav-
i n g to " d o " anything. I believe that the p o w e r to heal, a spiritual
p o w e r , c o m e s f r o m G o d . It is a gift. A n d I b e l i e v e it is t h e i n t e n t
of t h e Giver t h a t it s h o u l d be u s e d in s u c h a m a n n e r as to ulti-
m a t e l y give i t away. I n o t h e r w o r d s , t h e b e s t r e a s o n t o h a v e a n y
kind of power—spiritual or temporal—is to use it so as to em-
power others.
CULTURE
C u l t u r e may be d e f i n e d as t h e i n t e r l o c k i n g system of n o r m s
a n d values, implicit or explicit, within an organization. Every
o r g a n i z a t i o n , e v e n a m a r r i a g e , h a s its o w n c u l t u r e . W e s p e a k o f
family c u l t u r e s . T h e s u b j e c t o f c u l t u r e i n b u s i n e s s i s m u c h writ-
t e n a b o u t . O f c o u r s e , e v e r y s o c i e t y h a s its o w n c u l t u r e , a n d e v e n
t h o s e n o t a c c u s t o m e d t o t h i n k i n g i n t e r m s o f systems a r e a w a r e
that A m e r i c a n culture is different from F r e n c h culture, which is
different from J a p a n e s e culture, a n d so forth.
O n e o f t h e m o s t i n f l u e n t i a l b o o k s o f this c e n t u r y was R u t h
B e n e d i c t ' s Patterns of Culture, in w h i c h s h e d e s c r i b e d at l e n g t h
t h r e e dramatically different "primitive" cultures. In o n e of t h e
three, the g e n d e r roles we know were completely reversed. T h e
m e n w e r e a c c o u n t a b l e for t h e h o m e m a k i n g a n d child r e a r i n g ,
w h i l e t h e w o m e n w e r e a c c o u n t a b l e f o r b u s i n e s s a n d all t h e i m -
p o r t a n t political decisions. In contrast, a n o t h e r of t h e cultures
B e n e d i c t s t u d i e d was e v e n m o r e p a t r i a r c h a l t h a n t h a t o f t h e
U n i t e d States b a c k i n t h e e i g h t e e n t h o r n i n e t e e n t h century.
T h e m e s s a g e o f this p o w e r f u l b o o k was t h a t n o c u l t u r e i s
better t h a n any other. A n d while a m e m b e r of any o n e of t h e m
would have b e e n confused in entering another, each of the three
s e e m i n g l y w o r k e d well. B e n e d i c t ' s b o o k p u t f o r t h t h e c o n c e p t
o f c u l t u r a l relativism, w h o s e u n d e r l y i n g p r i n c i p l e i s w h a t i s c o n -
sidered good in one culture may be considered bad in another.
I n o t h e r w o r d s , e t h i c s a r e totally r e l a t i v e t o c u l t u r e . S o m e w h a t
like s i t u a t i o n a l e t h i c s , c u l t u r a l relativism h o l d s t h a t j u d g m e n t s
c a n n o t b e m a d e a b o u t a n y c u l t u r e e x c e p t f r o m w i t h i n it.
T h e c o n c e p t o f c u l t u r a l relativism h a s d o n e m u c h t o
b r o a d e n o u r m i n d s — m i n d s that very m u c h n e e d e d b r o a d e n -
i n g . F o r i n s t a n c e , I r e m e m b e r w i t h g r e a t clarity t h a t a t t h e a g e
of n i n e t e e n I, w i t h a g r o u p of o t h e r A m e r i c a n s , g o t off a c r u i s e
ship that h a d d o c k e d in Naples. At eleven o'clock that evening,
o u r g r o u p strolled along the streets on the e d g e of the beauti-
ful Bay o f N a p l e s , a n d s t r o l l i n g w i t h u s w e r e s w a r m s o f N e a p o l i -
t a n s o f e v e r y a g e . I t was n o t t h e i n f a n t s o r t h e a d u l t s w h o c a u g h t
m y c o m p a t r i o t s ' eyes, b u t all t h e c h i l d r e n b e t w e e n t h e a g e s o f
two a n d twelve w h o w e r e r u n n i n g a b o u t . "Why, t h e y o u g h t t o b e
in bed!" they exclaimed. "What kind of p e o p l e are these Italians
t h a t t h e y k e e p t h e i r c h i l d r e n u p a t e l e v e n a t n i g h t ? T h a t ' s a ter-
r i b l e way t o t r e a t c h i l d r e n . "
W h a t m y c o m p a t r i o t s failed t o r e a l i z e o r t a k e i n t o a c c o u n t
i s t h a t t h e siesta was a n i n v i o l a t e p a r t o f I t a l i a n c u l t u r e — a t l e a s t
b a c k t h e n , m o r e t h a n forty y e a r s a g o . E v e r y o n e , a d u l t s a n d chil-
d r e n a l i k e , w e n t t o s l e e p b e t w e e n two a n d five i n t h e a f t e r n o o n .
B u s i n e s s e s w e r e c l o s e d , t h e n r e o p e n e d a r o u n d f i v e o r six i n t h e
evening; a n d p e o p l e normally d i d n ' t start e a t i n g d i n n e r until
nine. T h e children were n o t "up past their bedtime" or being
m i s t r e a t e d i n a n y way. H a d m y c o m p a t r i o t s b e e n m o r e f a m i l i a r
with t h e c o n c e p t of cultural relativism, they m i g h t n o t have
demonstrated the arrogant judgmentalism that so many Amer-
i c a n t o u r i s t s a r e guilty o f e v e n today.
Sometimes, however, it can be i n a p p r o p r i a t e to w i t h h o l d
j u d g m e n t . I n 1 9 6 9 Lily a n d I w e n t t o I n d i a f o r a s i g h t - s e e i n g va-
c a t i o n . A m o n g A m e r i c a n s w h o visit I n d i a , t h e r e s e e m t o b e two
d i f f e r e n t types. O n e t y p e r e t u r n s r a v i n g a b o u t I n d i a ' s b e a u t y .
T h e other comes h o m e horrified by their experience. We be-
l o n g e d t o t h e horrified type. W e w e r e horrified n o t only b y t h e
p o v e r t y a n d t h e f i l t h b u t a l s o b y t h e i n c r e d i b l e inefficiency.
T h r o u g h o u t o u r e l e v e n days w e saw t h i n g s r o u t i n e l y b e i n g
d o n e p o o r l y t h a t c o u l d j u s t a s easily h a v e b e e n d o n e well. F o r
t h e f i r s t t i m e i n o u r lives i t o c c u r r e d t o u s t h a t w h i l e t o l e r a n c e
i s o f t e n a v i r t u e , t h e r e c o u l d b e s u c h a t h i n g a s a n e x c e s s o f tol-
e r a n c e . I n d i a s e e m e d t o suffer f r o m a vice o f t o l e r a n c e . W e saw
p e o p l e b l a n d l y t o l e r a t i n g w h a t s e e m e d t o u s i n t o l e r a b l e ineffi-
ciency.
It was all a b i t of a m y s t e r y to us u n t i l o u r next-to-last d a y
t h e r e , w h e n we were having breakfast. A waiter spilled a p i t c h e r
o f c r e a m o n t h e d i n i n g r o o m floor, b u t i n s t e a d o f c l e a n i n g i t
u p , h e vanished. O t h e r waiters, t h e n headwaiters, t h e n m a n -
agers c a m e a n d looked at the p u d d l e of cream a n d p r o c e e d e d
t o w a l k t h r o u g h it, s p r e a d i n g f o o t p r i n t s o f c r e a m t h r o u g h o u t
the dining r o o m . We were seeing an example of the genesis of
I n d i a ' s f i l t h . B u t why? A n d a t t h a t m o m e n t i t f i n a l l y d a w n e d o n
u s : i t was n o t t h e j o b o f w a i t e r s o r a n y b o d y p r e s e n t t o c l e a n u p
p u d d l e s o f c r e a m . I t was t h e low-caste s w e e p e r ' s j o b , a n d h e
didn't come on duty until afternoon. From that incident, as we
t h o u g h t a b o u t it, w e r e a l i z e d t h a t virtually e v e r y i n e f f i c i e n c y w e
h a d s e e n was a r e s u l t o f t h e c a s t e system, w h i c h , a l t h o u g h s u p -
p o s e d l y o u t l a w e d , was still s o d e e p l y e m b e d d e d i n I n d i a n c u l -
t u r e a s t o g o v e r n t h e lives o f e v e r y o n e o f its c i t i z e n s . C u l t u r a l
r e l a t i v i s m w o u l d insist t h a t t h e r e i s n o t h i n g i n h e r e n t l y w r o n g
w i t h t h e c a s t e system. I d i s a g r e e . In my e s t i m a t i o n , it is a s e r i o u s
c u l t u r a l flaw, n o t o n l y b e c a u s e o f its i n h e r e n t incivility b u t a l s o
b e c a u s e o f its e x t r a o r d i n a r y inefficiency a n d its d e g r a d a t i o n o f
a n e n t i r e society.
A m e r i c a ' s c u l t u r e i s n o t w i t h o u t its flaws, a l t h o u g h t h e y a r e
p e r h a p s n o t o f t h e s a m e m a g n i t u d e a s t h e flaw o f t h e c a s t e sys-
t e m . I c o u l d p o i n t t o d o z e n s o f m a j o r flaws i n t h e c u l t u r e o f this
n a t i o n , b u t t o m y m i n d t h e greatest p r o b l e m for t h e U n i t e d
S t a t e s a t t h i s p o i n t i n t i m e i s n o t t h e flaws o f its c u l t u r e b u t t h e
fact t h a t its c u l t u r e i s b r e a k i n g d o w n . S i n c e t h e b e g i n n i n g o f
t h e 1960s, all o u r m a j o r c u l t u r a l n o r m s h a v e c o m e i n t o s e r i o u s
q u e s t i o n . I b e l i e v e t h a t t h i s h a s b e e n p r o p e r . B u t i t h a s left u s i n
a position w h e r e m a n y of o u r citizens are increasingly u n s u r e
a b o u t h o w to behave. We have d e m o l i s h e d m a n y of the old,
r i g i d c u l t u r a l n o r m s a n d a r e still i n t h e p r o c e s s o f d o i n g s o . T h e
b i g q u e s t i o n n o w i s w h e t h e r w e will b e a b l e t o d e v e l o p n e w a n d
m o r e workable norms. I do n o t know the answer to that ques-
t i o n . T h e f u t u r e o f o u r society s e e m s i n c r e a s i n g l y o b s c u r e .
N o r m s are generally established or reestablished, u p h e l d
or overturned, by those in p o w e r in organizations, w h e t h e r they
a r e f a m i l i e s o r b u s i n e s s e s . Earlier, I m a d e t h e p o i n t t h a t o n e o f
t h e g r e a t e s t p o w e r s b u s i n e s s e x e c u t i v e s h a v e is, t h r o u g h t h e i r
spirit, t o c r e a t e t h e s p i r i t o f t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n s o f w h i c h t h e y a r e
in charge. T h e other great power is an analogous one. It is to
c r e a t e t h e c u l t u r e o f t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n . I t i s n o t easy f o r a n e w
t o p executive to c h a n g e t h e culture of a company, b u t insofar as
i t c a n b e c h a n g e d , t h e c h a n g e will b e g i n a t t h e t o p . N o o n e h a s
m o r e responsibility for t h e c u l t u r e o f a n o r g a n i z a t i o n t h a n
those in the highest positions of authority.
This responsibility is often abdicated, n o t only by business
l e a d e r s b u t also b y family l e a d e r s . I n t h i s t i m e o f c u l t u r a l b r e a k -
down, m o r e and m o r e parents are unsure about how to behave
as parents. It often seems that they n o w look to their children to
e s t a b l i s h t h e family c u l t u r e , a s i f t h e y a r e r e l u c t a n t t o e x e r c i s e
t h e a u t h o r i t y t h a t i s n e c e s s a r y t o e s t a b l i s h c l e a r family v a l u e s
and norms. Parents should not be despots, b u t neither should
c h i l d r e n h a v e t h e r e s p o n s i b i l i t y o f c r e a t i n g t h e family c u l t u r e .
I f t h e y a r e g i v e n t h a t r e s p o n s i b i l i t y , t h e y will b e c o m e e i t h e r very
c o n f u s e d o r tyrannical. T h e p o w e r t o c r e a t e t h e spirit o f a n or-
g a n i z a t i o n i s m o r e t h a n a n a l o g o u s t o t h e p o w e r t o c r e a t e its c u l -
ture. T h e y are inseparable. Ultimately, it is in t h e culture of an
o r g a n i z a t i o n t h a t its s p i r i t b e c o m e s e m b o d i e d .
DYSFUNCTION VERSUS CIVILITY
I t h a s b e c o m e v e r y f a s h i o n a b l e t h e s e days t o u s e t h e t e r m "dys-
functional" for organizations, w h e t h e r they a r e businesses or
f a m i l i e s. I n d e e d , i t i s s o f a s h i o n a b l e t h a t , like " c o m m u n i t y " a n d
"civility," t h e w o r d i s r a p i d l y d e s c e n d i n g i n t o m e a n i n g l e s s n e s s .
W h e n I was still g i v i n g l e c t u r e s , I u s e d t o ask m y a u d i e n c e s o n
o c c a s i o n : "Will a n y o n e h e r e w h o was n o t b r o u g h t u p i n a dys-
f u n c t i o n a l family p l e a s e r a i s e y o u r h a n d ? " N o t a h a n d w o u l d b e
r a i s e d . All o r g a n i z a t i o n s , w h e t h e r families o r b u s i n e s s e s , a r e
dysfunctional. But s o m e are m o r e dysfunctional than others.
A n u m b e r of y e a r s a g o I was a s k e d to c o n s u l t w i t h a l a r g e
d e p a r t m e n t o f a h u g e f e d e r a l a g e n c y b e c a u s e i t was s o o b v i o u s l y
dysfunctional. T h e r e were m a n y p r o b l e m s in that d e p a r t m e n t ,
b u t t h e b i g g e s t o n e was v e r y easy t o s p o t a s s o o n a s I l o o k e d a t
the department's hierarchical organizational chart. T h e h e a d
of t h e d e p a r t m e n t (a m a n I will call P e t e r ) was a s e n i o r civil ser-
v a n t . A n d w h e n I saw t h a t two o f h i s d e p u t i e s w e r e p o l i t i c a l a p -
p o i n t e e s , I was a s t o n i s h e d . I n m y o w n y e a r s o f g o v e r n m e n t
service, I h a d n e v e r h e a r d of a political a p p o i n t e e w h o r e p o r t e d
t o a civil s e r v a n t . P o l i t i c a l a p p o i n t e e s always h e l d t h e t o p m a n -
a g e m e n t p o s i t i o n s . P e t e r a n d t h e s e two d e p u t i e s all a t t e m p t e d
t o a s s u r e m e t h a t t h i s was n o t s o o u t o f t h e o r d i n a r y , a n d t h a t
t h e r e was n o t h i n g w r o n g w i t h t h e s y s t e m . B u t m a n y t h i n g s w e r e
o b v i o u s l y w r o n g , a n d f i n a l l y I f o u n d a n o t h e r e x p e r i e n c e d civil
s e r v a n t n e a r t h e t o p w h o was w i l l i n g t o b e h o n e s t w i t h m e . " O f
c o u r s e , " h e said. " P e t e r h a s b e e n l a y e r e d . " A p p a r e n t l y t h e p o -
litical a p p o i n t e e s a t t h e h e a d o f t h e a g e n c y s o d i s t r u s t e d P e t e r
t h a t they h a d p u t two of their picks within his d e p a r t m e n t to
s e r v e a s spies a n d t o u n d e r c u t h i s a u t h o r i t y w h e n e v e r t h e y saw
fit.
I c o u l d d i s c e r n n o r e a s o n f o r P e t e r t o b e d i s t r u s t e d . In-
d e e d , h e was a n u n u s u a l l y m a t u r e a n d c o m p e t e n t m a n . W h a t I
d i s c o v e r e d i n this a g e n c y , r a t h e r , was a n e n t i r e c u l t u r e o f dis-
trust so severe that it c o u l d properly be t e r m e d a culture of
p a r a n o i a . S i n c e this c u l t u r e h a d b e e n g e n e r a t e d a t t h e t o p , b y
t h e h i g h e s t - r a n k i n g political a p p o i n t e e s — t o w h o m I h a d no ac-
cess—all m y r e c o m m e n d a t i o n s were d i s r e g a r d e d , a n d t h e orga-
nization r e m a i n e d as dysfunctional after I d e p a r t e d as it h a d
b e e n w h e n I c a m e in.
"Dysfunctional" a n d "culture of paranoia" are abstract
t e r m s . Less a b s t r a c t was t h e fact t h a t a t o p - n o t c h e x e c u t i v e was
r e n d e r e d totally i m p o t e n t a n d t h e t i m e o f two o t h e r e x e c u t i v e s
was b e i n g u t t e r l y w a s t e d i n s p y i n g o n h i m . T h i s m e a n t s e v e r a l
h u n d r e d t h o u s a n d taxpayer dollars down the drain. But m o r e
t h a n that, the m o r a l e of the entire thousand-employee depart-
m e n t was a s h a m b l e s a n d its p e r f o r m a n c e u n d e r s t a n d a b l y p o o r
as a result. T h e actual cost to t h e taxpayers, within t h a t d e p a r t -
m e n t a l o n e , was i n t h e m i l l i o n s . W h a t i t was f o r t h e e n t i r e
agency, G o d only knows.
T h e r e a r e two m o r a l s to this story. If, as I h a v e said, t h e
m o s t civil u s e o f p o w e r i s t o give i t away, t h e n i n this i n s t a n c e
n o t only were t h o s e in t h e h i g h e s t positions of p o w e r n o t giving
i t away, t h e y w e r e t a k i n g i t away. T h e s t o r y ' s f i r s t m o r a l i s t h a t
s u c h incivility is n o t cost-effective. To t h e c o n t r a r y , it is viciously
e x p e n s i v e a n d wasteful. T h e o t h e r m o r a l i s t h a t i t i s e x t r e m e l y
difficult t o c h a n g e a c u l t u r e , n o m a t t e r h o w u n c i v i l a n d u n p r o -
ductive or dysfunctional it may be. We have seen that o n e tenet
o f s y s t e m s t h e o r y i s t h a t w h e n e v e r y o u c h a n g e a p a r t o f t h e sys-
t e m , all t h e o t h e r p a r t s h a v e t o c h a n g e . N o w w e h a v e a r r i v e d a t
a n o t h e r t e n e t : systems i n h e r e n t l y resist c h a n g e . T h e y resist
h e a l i n g . T h e p l a i n fact o f t h e m a t t e r i s t h a t m o s t o r g a n i z a t i o n s ,
d e s p i t e t h e b l a t a n c y o f t h e i r d y s f u n c t i o n a n d d e s p i t e its cost-
ineffectiveness, w o u l d r a t h e r r e m a i n dysfunctional t h a n g r o w
t o w a r d g r e a t e r civility. W h y i s this so? R e f l e c t o n t h e c o m p l e x i t y
of t h e d e f i n i t i o n of civility, n a m e l y , t h a t it is " c o n s c i o u s l y m o t i -
vated organizational b e h a v i o r t h a t is ethical in submission to a

h i g h e r power."
Civility d o e s n o t c o m e n a t u r a l l y . I t t a k e s c o n s c i o u s n e s s a n d
a c t i o n t o a c h i e v e . Incivility c o m e s m o r e n a t u r a l l y t o u s h u m a n
b e i n g s , a n d b e c a u s e o f laziness i t i s s i m p l y e a s i e r t o b e u n c i v i l .
If t h a t s e e m s to be a p e s s i m i s t i c view, t h e r e is still r o o m f o r
o p t i m i s m . I t m a y b e d e r i v e d f r o m m y s t a t e m e n t t h a t all o r g a n i -
z a t i o n s a r e d y s f u n c t i o n a l . W h a t this m e a n s f o r y o u a s h e a d s o f
f a m i l i e s a n d b u s i n e s s e s i s t h a t y o u c a n n o t d o i t perfectly. T h i n g s
will n e v e r c o m e o u t n e a t a n d tidy. B u t d o n ' t feel b a d a b o u t or-
dinary failure. It is i n h e r e n t in t h e complexity of t h e roles of
parents a n d executives. I n d e e d , if you expect perfection, you
m a y m a k e t h i n g s e v e n w o r s e . Y o u a r e e n t i t l e d t o feel g o o d
a b o u t g e t t i n g a l o n g a s well a s y o u c a n i n this w o r l d . D e s p i t e t h e
o d d s a g a i n s t d o i n g t h i n g s perfectly, y o u d o t h e b e s t y o u c a n . T o
b e a s civil a s p o s s i b l e i n t h e s e c o m p l e x a n d d e m a n d i n g r o l e s i s
t h e p a t h o f s m a r t selfishness, e v e n t h o u g h i t r e q u i r e s a g r e a t
d e a l o f p s y c h o s p i r i t u a l e x e r t i o n . W h y b o t h e r , t h e n , s i n c e inci-
vility c o m e s m o r e easily t h a n civility? T h e a n s w e r t o t h a t q u e s -
t i o n , as I s u g g e s t e d in A World Waiting to Be Born, is t h a t w h i l e
incivility is easier, t h e c r e a t i o n of a relatively civil o r g a n i z a t i o n
o r c u l t u r e i s i n t h e l o n g r u n m o r e cost-effective. I t i s also t h e
r o u t e t o c r e a t i n g s o m e t h i n g t h a t i s m o r e h e a l i n g a n d alive.
CHAPTER 6
Choices About Society
WE HAVE MANY CHOICES TO MAKE as we p l a y v a r y i n g r o l e s a n d face

m a n y tasks, r e s p o n s i b i l i t i e s , a n d c h a l l e n g e s i n o u r families,
w o r k lives, a n d g r o u p affiliations. B u t o u r lives b e c o m e e v e n
m o r e c o m p l e x w h e n w e look b e y o n d o u r n u c l e a r families a n d
the particular organizations to which we belong or have contact
w i t h o n a r e g u l a r basis. W h e t h e r w e a r e c h i l d r e n , h e a d s o f f a m -
ilies, s t u d e n t s , o r e m p l o y e e s , w e a l s o b e l o n g t o a n e v e n l a r g e r
o r g a n i z a t i o n t h a t we call society. We c o e x i s t as a c o l l e c t i v e of h u -
m a n beings stretching b e y o n d the b o u n d a r i e s of different
t o w n s a n d cities, c o u n t i e s a n d s t a t e s , r e g i o n s a n d n a t i o n s . W e
all a r e i n e v i t a b l y c i t i z e n s o f t h e w o r l d . A n d a s m e m b e r s o f this
social o r d e r , w e c o n f r o n t p r o f o u n d c h o i c e s a b o u t w h a t citizen-
ship means.
A s e c u l a r p s y c h i a t r i s t a n d o l d f r i e n d , w h o was o n e o f t h e
v e r y first r e a d e r s of The Road Less Traveled, w r o t e this to me
a b o u t the book: "What I get from it is that there's no such thing
a s a f r e e l u n c h . " H e was r i g h t i n a c e r t a i n r e s p e c t . T h e s u p p o r t
a n d n u r t u r a n c e w e g e t f r o m society d o n o t c o m e f r e e . S o m e d e -
gree of responsibility b e y o n d simply paying taxes a c c o m p a n i e s
the benefits of citizenship. But w h e t h e r we're interested in be-
i n g g o o d citizens or n o t is a n o t h e r matter. If we have t h e e n e r g y
a n d will t o d o s o , w e face t h e c h o i c e o f h o w t o b e t h e b e s t citi-
z e n s w e c a n b e . W e also h a v e t h e o p t i o n o f c o p p i n g o u t , o f n o t
c a r i n g , o f a v o i d i n g all r e s p o n s i b i l i t y f o r t h e w e l l - b e i n g o f soci-
ety. A s i s t h e c a s e w i t h a n y c h o i c e w e m a k e i n life, w h i c h o f t h e s e
r o u t e s w e t a k e yields its o w n c o n s e q u e n c e s .
I f w e m o r e closely e x a m i n e t h e c o m p l e x i t i e s o f c i t i z e n s h i p
a n d l o o k a t society realistically, i n e v i t a b l y w e will b e c o n f r o n t e d
by a n u m b e r of paradoxes. W h e n e v e r you take into considera-
tion the multiple dimensions of any situation, a n d if no pieces
o f r e a l i t y a r e m i s s i n g f r o m t h e p i c t u r e , y o u p r o b a b l y will b e
l o o k i n g a t a p a r a d o x . I n o t h e r w o r d s , virtually all t r u t h i s p a r a -
d o x i c a l , a n d n o w h e r e i s t h i s m o r e e v i d e n t t h a n i n t h e task o f
m a k i n g o u r c h o i c e s a b o u t society.
T H E PARADOX OF G O O D AND EVIL
I n o n e o f h i s l e t t e r s , t h e A p o s t l e P a u l w r o t e t h a t t h i s h u m a n so-
ciety was r u l e d b y " p r i n c i p a l i t i e s a n d p o w e r s , " h i s p h r a s e f o r
" t h e d e m o n i c . " W h e t h e r w e i n t e r p r e t t h e d e m o n i c a s s o m e ex-
t e r n a l f o r c e o r s i m p l y o u r h u m a n n a t u r e a n d " o r i g i n a l sin," t h e
n o t i o n t h a t t h e devil i s t h e r u l e r o f t h i s w o r l d h a s a n e n o r m o u s
a m o u n t o f t r u t h t o it. G i v e n t h e p r e v a l e n c e o f war, g e n o c i d e ,
poverty, s t a r v a t i o n , g r o s s i n e q u a l i t y i n t h e d i s t r i b u t i o n o f w e a l t h ,
racism a n d sexism, despair a n d hopelessness, d r u g abuse, white-
collar c r i m e in o u r institutions, violent c r i m e on o u r streets,
a n d c h i l d a n d s p o u s a l a b u s e i n o u r h o m e s , evil s e e m s t o b e t h e
o r d e r o f t h e day.
I t c e r t a i n l y l o o k s t h a t way m o s t o f t h e t i m e — f o r t h e f o r c e s
o f evil a r e r e a l a n d v a r i e d . S o m e r e l i g i o n s c l a i m t h a t t h e f a c t o r s
p e r p e t u a t i n g evil o r i g i n a t e i n h u m a n sin. P s y c h o l o g i c a l e x p l a -
n a t i o n s often p o i n t t o t h e lack o f individual a n d g r o u p c o n -
s c i o u s n e s s . M a n y social c o m m e n t a t o r s view t h e c h a o s i n o u r
c u l t u r e , i n c l u d i n g a b r e a k d o w n i n family v a l u e s a n d t h e e m -
p h a s i s o n m a t e r i a l i s m a n d c o m f o r t a t all costs, a s t h e p r i m a r y
d e t e r m i n a n t s o f evil. T h e m e d i a a r e o f t e n b l a m e d f o r t h e i r
w i c k e d i n f l u e n c e . L e t ' s l o o k a t e a c h o f t h e s e f a c t o r s briefly t o
flesh o u t t h e p a r a d o x i c a l reality o f g o o d a n d evil t h a t h a s a sig-
n i f i c a n t i m p a c t o n o u r c h o i c e s a b o u t society.
T h e w o r d "Satan" originally m e a n t adversary. I n Christian
t h e o l o g y , S a t a n i s also c a l l e d t h e devil. W e a r e b e i n g a d v e r s a r i a l
w h e n w e s p e a k o f " p l a y i n g devil's a d v o c a t e . " S a t a n o r t h e devil,
m y t h o l o g i c a l l y , was o r i g i n a l l y a " g o o d " a n g e l w h o was cast o u t
o f h e a v e n for d i s o b e d i e n c e a n d p r i d e , a n d b e c a m e t h e p e r s o n -
ification o f evil a n d t h e a d v e r s a r y o f m a n . A c e r t a i n a m o u n t o f
a d v e r s a r i a l i s m i s g o o d f o r o u r t h i n k i n g a n d g r o w t h . Its f l i p p a n t
p r a c t i c e , h o w e v e r , m a y h i d e a h i n t o f t h e sinister. A n y a d v e r s a r -
ial p o s i t i o n w h i c h i s p e r s i s t e n t l y c o n t r a r y a n d o p p o s e d t o h u m a n
g r o w t h — a n d directly opposite to that which is godly—contains
t h e h a r s h i n g r e d i e n t s f o r t h e p e r p e t u a t i o n o f evil.
A m o n g t h o s e i n g r e d i e n t s m a y b e h u m a n n a t u r e itself. I
h a v e little i d e a w h a t r o l e t h e devil plays i n this w o r l d , b u t a s I
m a d e q u i t e c l e a r in People of the Lie, g i v e n t h e d y n a m i c s of o r i g -
i n a l sin, m o s t p e o p l e d o n ' t n e e d t h e devil t o r e c r u i t t h e m t o
evil; t h e y a r e q u i t e c a p a b l e o f r e c r u i t i n g t h e m s e l v e s . I n The
Road Less Traveled, I s u g g e s t e d t h a t l a z i n e s s m i g h t be t h e
e s s e n c e o f w h a t t h e o l o g i a n s call o r i g i n a l sin. B y l a z i n e s s I d o n o t
s o m u c h m e a n p h y s i c a l l e t h a r g y a s m e n t a l , e m o t i o n a l , o r spiri-
t u a l i n e r t i a . O r i g i n a l sin a l s o i n c l u d e s o u r t e n d e n c i e s t o w a r d
n a r c i s s i s m , fear, a n d p r i d e . I n c o m b i n a t i o n , t h e s e h u m a n weak-
n e s s e s n o t o n l y c o n t r i b u t e t o evil b u t p r e v e n t p e o p l e f r o m ac-
k n o w l e d g i n g t h e i r S h a d o w . O u t o f t o u c h w i t h t h e i r o w n sins,
those w h o lack t h e humility to see their weaknesses are t h e m o s t
c a p a b l e o f c o n t r i b u t i n g t o evil e i t h e r k n o w i n g l y o r u n k n o w -
ingly. W a r s t e n d t o b e s t a r t e d b y i n d i v i d u a l s o r g r o u p s l a c k i n g
consciousness a n d devoid of integrity a n d wholeness. I wrote of
this in People of the Lie. U s i n g My Lai as a c a s e study, I d e m o n -
s t r a t e d h o w evil a t a n i n s t i t u t i o n a l a n d g r o u p level o c c u r s w h e n
t h e r e is a f r a g m e n t a t i o n of c o n s c i o u s n e s s — a n d c o n s c i e n c e .
In Further Along the Road Less Traveled a n d The Different
Drum, I w r o t e of t h e evil of c o m p a r t m e n t a l i z a t i o n . I d e s c r i b e d
t h e t i m e w h e n I was w o r k i n g i n W a s h i n g t o n i n 1 9 7 0 - 7 2 a n d
used to w a n d e r t h e halls of t h e P e n t a g o n talking to p e o p l e
a b o u t t h e V i e t n a m War. T h e y w o u l d say, "Well, Dr. P e c k , w e u n -
d e r s t a n d y o u r c o n c e r n s . Yes, w e d o . B u t y o u s e e , w e ' r e t h e o r d -
n a n c e b r a n c h h e r e a n d w e a r e only r e s p o n s i b l e for seeing t o i t
that the napalm is manufactured a n d sent to Vietnam on time.
W e really d o n ' t h a v e a n y t h i n g t o d o w i t h t h e war. T h e w a r i s t h e

r e s p o n s i b i l i t y o f t h e p o l i c y b r a n c h . G o d o w n t h e h a l l a n d talk t o
t h e p e o p l e i n policy."
S o I w o u l d g o d o w n t h e h a l l a n d talk t o t h e p e o p l e i n p o l -
icy, a n d t h e y w o u l d say, "Well, Dr. P e c k , w e u n d e r s t a n d y o u r
c o n c e r n s . Yes, w e d o . B u t h e r e i n t h e p o l i c y b r a n c h , w e s i m p l y
e x e c u t e policy, w e d o n ' t really m a k e policy. Policy i s m a d e a t t h e
White House." Thus, it appeared that the entire Pentagon had
a b s o l u t e l y n o t h i n g t o d o w i t h t h e V i e t n a m War.
This same kind of compartmentalization can h a p p e n in
any large organization. It can h a p p e n in businesses a n d in
o t h e r areas of government; it can h a p p e n in hospitals a n d uni-
versities; i t c a n h a p p e n i n c h u r c h e s . W h e n a n y i n s t i t u t i o n b e -
comes large a n d compartmentalized, the conscience of that
i n s t i t u t i o n will o f t e n b e c o m e s o f r a g m e n t e d a n d d i l u t e d a s t o
b e virtually n o n e x i s t e n t , a n d t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n h a s t h e p o t e n t i a l
t o b e c o m e i n h e r e n t l y evil.
T h e w o r d " d i a b o l i c " i s d e r i v e d f r o m t h e G r e e k diaballein,
m e a n i n g to throw apart, fragment, or compartmentalize. A m o n g
t h e m o s t d i a b o l i c a s p e c t s o f t h e f r a g m e n t a t i o n o f o u r collective
consciousness are those things so c o m m o n that they have be-
c o m e i n s t i t u t i o n a l i z e d . W h e r e i n s t i t u t i o n a l i z e d evils s u c h a s
r a c i s m , s e x i s m , a g e i s m , a n d h o m o p h o b i a exist, f o r e x a m p l e , w e
find the dual mechanisms of oppression and dehumanization.
W h e n c e r t a i n s e g m e n t s o f h u m a n i t y a r e systemically r e g a r d e d
as disposable or irrelevant or are treated with derision, dire
c o n s e q u e n c e s f o r t h e i n t e g r i t y o f t h e e n t i r e s o c i e t y a r e inevi-
table.
T o d o b a t t l e w i t h i n s t i t u t i o n a l i z e d s o c i e t a l evils, w e n e e d
r e m e m b e r t h a t w h a t w e call g o o d m u s t b e g o o d f o r m o s t p e o -
p l e , m o s t o f t h e t i m e , a n d n o t m e r e l y a m a t t e r o f "Is i t g o o d f o r
me?" This variant of the Golden Rule m e a n s that when we em-
ploy d o u b l e standards c o n d o n i n g o u r own behavior b u t j u d g -
i n g o t h e r s h a r s h l y f o r t h e s a m e b r e a c h o r s o m e t h i n g lesser, w e
a r e i n d a n g e r . F o r e x a m p l e , t h o s e w h o live i n t h e n a t i o n ' s i n n e r
cities r e c e i v e s u b s t a n t i a l l y l o n g e r p r i s o n t e r m s t h a n o t h e r s f o r
relatively m i n o r c r i m e s , like p o s s e s s i o n o f s m a l l a m o u n t s o f
c r a c k c o c a i n e , a c c o r d i n g t o statistics f r o m t h e N a t i o n a l S e n -
tencing Project based in Washington, D.C. S u b u r b a n powder-
cocaine users a n d middle- to upper-class users are rarely
s e n t e n c e d t o p r i s o n f o r first o f f e n s e s . T h e y a r e m o r e likely t o
g e t p r o b a t i o n a n d b e e n c o u r a g e d t o receive t r e a t m e n t for t h e i r
drug problems.
O f t e n , t h e f o r c e s o f evil a r e m o r e s u b t l e t h a n b l a t a n t . Al-
m o s t a s h o r r i f i c a s evil itself i s t h e d e n i a l o f it, a s i n t h e c a s e o f
t h o s e w h o g o t h r o u g h life w e a r i n g r o s e - c o l o r e d glasses. I n d e e d ,
t h e d e n i a l o f evil c a n i n s o m e ways p e r p e t u a t e evil itself. I n I n
Search of Stones, I w r o t e a b o u t this t e n d e n c y a m o n g a n u m b e r of
f i n a n c i a l l y well-off p e o p l e w h o s e m o n e y i n s u l a t e s t h e m i n t h e i r
w o r l d o f o p u l e n c e . T h e y fail t o a c t u a l l y s e e t h e p o v e r t y t h a t e x -
ists s o c l o s e t o t h e m , a n d t h e r e b y t h e y a v o i d a c c e p t i n g a n y r e -
sponsibility they m a y have for t h e p r o b l e m . M a n y r i d e a train to
work every day from their s u b u r b a n havens to d o w n t o w n N e w
Y o r k City, n e v e r l o o k i n g u p f r o m t h e i r n e w s p a p e r s a s t h e y p a s s
the most impoverished sections of H a r l e m . T h e slums are ren-
d e r e d invisible a n d so, t o o , a r e t h o s e e n m e s h e d i n t h e m .
O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , t h e r e a r e t h o s e w h o t a k e a cynical view
o f t h e w o r l d a n d s e e m t o b e l i e v e t h a t evil l u r k s b e h i n d every-
t h i n g . T h e i r vision i s g l o o m - a n d - d o o m , e v e n i n t h e m i d s t o f in-
n o c e n c e a n d beauty. T h e y l o o k for t h e worst i n everything,
n e v e r n o t i c i n g t h a t w h i c h i s p o s i t i v e a n d life-affirming. W h e n
d e s p a i r a n d c y n i c i s m a r e like d e m o n s t o u s , w e risk p e r p e t u a t -
i n g evil a s well. A l t h o u g h w e c a n ' t a v o i d o u r d e m o n s , w e c a n
c h o o s e n o t t o w e l c o m e o r t o ally o u r s e l v e s w i t h t h e m . T o b e
healthy, we m u s t personally do battle with t h e m .
A d e s p a i r i n g vision o f s o c i e t y c a n b e c o m e e v e n m o r e
c l o u d e d b y m e d i a influences. T h r o u g h their focus o n the d r a m a
o f evil, t h e m e d i a p e r p e t u a t e a n u n b a l a n c e d view o f reality.
W h e n a c r e d i t c a r d i s s t o l e n , i t b e c o m e s a statistic, a n d t h e h e a d -
l i n e s b o m b a r d u s w i t h c r i m e r e p o r t s . B u t w e r a r e l y h e a r a n y sta-
tistics a b o u t c r e d i t c a r d s left b e h i n d o n c o u n t e r s a n d q u i e t l y
r e t u r n e d (as i s a l m o s t always t h e c a s e ) . T h e m e d i a ' s g e n e r a l e x -
c l u s i o n o f g o o d n e w s leaves t h e p u b l i c w i t h t h e i m p r e s s i o n t h a t
evil t r u l y r u l e s t h e day. I f " n o n e w s i s g o o d n e w s , " i t w o u l d also
a p p e a r that "good news is no news." We do n o t h e a r or r e a d

a b o u t t h e g o o d n e s s t h a t o c c u r s r o u t i n e l y — o n a daily b a s i s — i n
the world.
I t i s easy t o d e s p a i r , t o s i m p l y t h r o w o n e ' s h a n d s u p a n d b e -
lieve t h a t , s i n c e t h e w o r l d i s s o evil, n o t h i n g a n d n o o n e c a n
m a k e a d i f f e r e n c e . B u t i f w e a r e t o l o o k a t o u r society realisti-
cally, w e will r e c o g n i z e t h e p o w e r f u l i n f l u e n c e s o f b o t h g o o d
a n d evil f o r c e s . T h e w o r l d i s n o t all b e a u t i f u l . N e i t h e r i s i t all
b a d . T h u s , t h e m o s t critical c h a l l e n g e w e face i s d e v e l o p i n g t h e
ability t o g a i n a n d m a i n t a i n a b a l a n c e d p e r s p e c t i v e . A n d f r o m
this p e r s p e c t i v e , t h e r e i s c a u s e f o r o p t i m i s m , n o t d e s p a i r .
A story told to me by my late father helps m a k e t h e point.
I t i s t h e s t o r y o f a n O r i e n t a l s a g e w h o , b a c k i n t h e 1950s, was in-
t e r v i e w e d b y a r e p o r t e r a n d a s k e d w h e t h e r h e was a n o p t i m i s t
or a p e s s i m i s t .
" I ' m an optimist, of course," t h e sage replied.
" B u t h o w c a n y o u b e a n o p t i m i s t w i t h all t h e p r o b l e m s i n
t h e w o r l d — o v e r p o p u l a t i o n , c u l t u r a l b r e a k d o w n , war, c r i m e ,
a n d corruption?" the reporter asked.
" O h , I ' m n o t a n o p t i m i s t a b o u t this c e n t u r y , " t h e s a g e ex-
plained. "But I am profoundly optimistic a b o u t the next cen-
tury."
G i v e n t h e reality o f t h e w o r l d today, m y r e s p o n s e w o u l d b e
a l o n g t h e same lines. I ' m n o t a n optimist a b o u t t h e twentieth
c e n t u r y , b u t I a m p r o f o u n d l y o p t i m i s t i c a b o u t t h e twenty-first
century—if we can arrive t h e r e .
K e e p i n g a b a l a n c e d p e r s p e c t i v e will b e e s s e n t i a l . J u s t a s i t i s
necessary to develop one's consciousness in o r d e r to acknowl-
e d g e t h e reality o f evil a n d o u r o w n p o t e n t i a l f o r sin a n d f o r
c o n t r i b u t i n g t o evil, w e a l s o n e e d t o b e c o m e i n c r e a s i n g l y c o n -
s c i o u s t o identify a n d r e l i s h w h a t i s g o o d a n d b e a u t i f u l i n this
life. I f w e s e e t h e w o r l d a s i n h e r e n t l y evil, t h e r e i s n o r e a s o n t o
believe it can i m p r o v e . B u t if we see t h a t t h e forces for g o o d in
t h e w o r l d a r e , a t t h e v e r y least, o n a n e q u a l f o o t i n g w i t h t h e
f o r c e s f o r ill, t h e r e i s g r e a t h o p e f o r t h e f u t u r e .
I n m a n y ways, t h e w o r l d i s c h a n g i n g f o r t h e b e t t e r . A s I
w r o t e in The Road Less Traveled, o v e r o n e h u n d r e d y e a r s a g o
c h i l d a b u s e was n o t o n l y r a m p a n t i n t h e U n i t e d States b u t
b l a n d l y o v e r l o o k e d . B a c k t h e n , a p a r e n t c o u l d b e a t a c h i l d se-
v e r e l y a n d c o m m i t n o c r i m e . S o m e two h u n d r e d y e a r s a g o ,
m a n y children, even those as y o u n g as seven, were forced to
w o r k i n f a c t o r i e s a n d m i n e s p r a c t i c a l l y all day. S o m e f o u r h u n -
d r e d years ago, c h i l d r e n w e r e n ' t generally c o n s i d e r e d worthy of
a t t e n t i o n a n d respect as individuals with their own n e e d s a n d
r i g h t s i n o u r society. B u t c h i l d p r o t e c t i o n efforts h a v e i m p r o v e d
t r e m e n d o u s l y in o u r century. We have established h o t l i n e s for
r e p o r t i n g cases of child exploitation; investigations a r e r o u t i n e
a n d s o m e t i m e s extensive i n cases o f s u s p e c t e d child a b u s e a n d
neglect. Unless you c a n ' t see t h e forest for t h e trees, t h e r e ' s no
d e n y i n g t h a t society h a s m a d e vast i m p r o v e m e n t s i n p r o t e c t i n g
t h e i n t e r e s t s a n d w e l l - b e i n g o f its y o u n g e s t a n d m o s t v u l n e r a b l e
citizens.
T h e r e is also p r o f o u n d p r o o f of c h a n g e for t h e b e t t e r on a
w o r l d level. C o n s i d e r t h e issue o f h u m a n r i g h t s . G o v e r n m e n t s
a r e r e g u l a r l y m o n i t o r e d t o d e t e r m i n e h o w t h e y t r e a t t h e i r citi-
zens, a n d s o m e have suffered e c o n o m i c sanctions in r e s p o n s e
t o m a j o r h u m a n r i g h t s v i o l a t i o n s , a s was t h e c a s e w i t h t h e
a p a r t h e i d system i n S o u t h Africa. I n p r e v i o u s c e n t u r i e s , t h e
n o t i o n o f w a r c r i m e s was n o n e x i s t e n t . C a p t u r e d w o m e n a n d
children were routinely r a p e d a n d enslaved while the disem-
b o w e l m e n t o f m a l e p r i s o n e r s o f w a r was ritualistic b e h a v i o r .
Wars a n d war crimes persist, b u t recently we have b e g u n to raise
t h e issue o f w h y h u m a n s s o f r e q u e n t l y g o t o g r e a t l e n g t h s t o kill
o n e a n o t h e r w h e n a m o s t d e c e n t p e a c e w o u l d b e q u i t e feasible
if we s i m p l y w o r k e d at it a little bit. We h a v e e s t a b l i s h e d tri-
b u n a l s t o try t o p u n i s h t h o s e guilty o f w a r c r i m e s . W e also n o w
debate w h e t h e r a war should be considered j u s t or unjust a n d
u n n e c e s s a r y . T h a t w e e v e n r a i s e t h e s e issues i s a n i n d i c a t i o n o f
h o w m u c h p o s i t i v e c h a n g e i s e m e r g i n g i n this society a n d
t h r o u g h o u t the world.
I t c a n b e a r g u e d t h a t o n e r e a s o n m a n y view evil a s m o r e
p r e v a l e n t t h a n e v e r i s a r e s u l t o f t h e fact t h a t o u r s t a n d a r d s h a v e
i m p r o v e d . In any case, t h e evidence suggests t h a t society is
evolving for t h e b e t t e r over t h e l o n g h a u l . T h a t w o u l d b e im-
p o s s i b l e i f society w e r e w h o l l y evil. T h e t r u t h i s t h a t b o t h g o o d
a n d evil c o e x i s t a s f o r c e s i n this w o r l d ; t h e y always h a v e a n d al-
ways will. I r e c o g n i z e d t h a t fact l o n g a g o . B u t I find it a c t u a l l y
e a s i e r t o p i n p o i n t w i t h g r e a t e r clarity w h y evil exists a n d
w h e n c e it comes than to ascertain the origins of goodness in
this w o r l d w i t h o u t r e f e r e n c e t o G o d . W h a t St. P a u l c a l l e d " t h e
m y s t e r y o f i n i q u i t y " i s u l t i m a t e l y less m y s t e r i o u s t h a n t h e mys-
tery of h u m a n goodness.
W h i l e t h e p r e v a i l i n g J u d e o - C h r i s t i a n view is t h a t t h i s is a
g o o d w o r l d s o m e h o w c o n t a m i n a t e d b y evil, a s a m o s t l y m i d d l e -
o f - t h e - r o a d C h r i s t i a n I p r e f e r t h e view t h a t this is a n a t u r a l l y evil
w o r l d s o m e h o w c o n t a m i n a t e d b y g o o d n e s s . W e c a n l o o k a t chil-
d r e n , for e x a m p l e , a n d rejoice i n t h e i r i n n o c e n c e a n d spon-
taneity. B u t t h e fact i s t h a t w e a r e all b o r n liars, c h e a t s , t h i e v e s ,
a n d m a n i p u l a t o r s . S o it's h a r d l y r e m a r k a b l e t h a t m a n y o f u s
g r o w u p t o b e a d u l t liars, c h e a t s , t h i e v e s , a n d m a n i p u l a t o r s .
W h a t ' s h a r d e r to explain is why so m a n y p e o p l e grow up to be
g o o d a n d h o n e s t . W h i l e c a p a b l e o f evil, i n reality h u m a n b e i n g s
overall a r e often b e t t e r t h a n m i g h t b e e x p e c t e d .
In my e x p e r i e n c e with t h e c o m m u n i t y - b u i l d i n g w o r k s h o p s
s p o n s o r e d b y F C E , I've b e e n i m m e n s e l y i m p r e s s e d b y w h a t I've
c o m e t o call " t h e r o u t i n e h e r o i s m o f h u m a n b e i n g s . " I t i s a l s o
c o m m o n to discover h o w p e o p l e in tragic circumstances such
a s t h e O k l a h o m a City b o m b i n g , o r i n o t h e r crisis s i t u a t i o n s , rise
to the occasion. T h e r e is a b u n d a n t evidence of how people can
b e i n c r e d i b l y g o o d w h e n t h e y a r e p u l l i n g t o g e t h e r . Still, m a n y
t e n d t o t a k e g o o d n e s s f o r g r a n t e d . T h e r e i s a l e s s o n f o r u s all i n
t h e s e w o r d s o f w i s d o m , u t t e r e d b y s o m e a n o n y m o u s s o u l : " A life
o f all e a s e a n d c o m f o r t m a y n o t b e a s w o n d e r f u l a s w e t h i n k i t
w o u l d be. O n l y t h r o u g h sickness do we gain g r e a t e r apprecia-
tion for g o o d h e a l t h . T h r o u g h h u n g e r w e a r e t a u g h t t o value
f o o d . A n d k n o w i n g evil h e l p s u s t o a p p r e c i a t e w h a t i s g o o d . "
I f t h e c o e x i s t e n c e o f g o o d a n d evil i s p a r a d o x i c a l , w e m u s t
e m b r a c e t h a t p a r a d o x s o t h a t w e c a n l e a r n t o live o u r lives w i t h
integrity. T h e c r u x o f i n t e g r i t y i s w h o l e n e s s . A n d t h r o u g h w h o l e -
ness as h u m a n beings we can practice the p a r a d o x of liberation
a n d celebration. Liberation theology proclaims that Christians
a r e c a l l e d t o p l a y a n active r o l e i n d o i n g b a t t l e w i t h t h e s y s t e m i c
sins a n d evils o f s o c i e t y — c a l l e d t o t a k e r e s p o n s i b i l i t y f o r liber-
a t i n g p e o p l e f r o m t h e b u r d e n s o f poverty a n d o p p r e s s i o n . Cel-
e b r a t i o n theology has historically e n c o u r a g e d a focus on a n d
celebration of the goodness a n d beauty f o u n d in the world.
I n h i s b o o k Christian Wholeness, T o m L a n g f o r d p r o b e s t h e
m a n y p a r a d o x e s that Christians m u s t e m b r a c e in o r d e r to be re-
alistic a n d w h o l e p e o p l e , a m o n g w h i c h t h e p a r a d o x o f c e l e b r a -
tion a n d liberation is b u t o n e . As Langford points out, people
w h o f o c u s exclusively o n l i b e r a t i o n b e c o m e f a n a t i c a n d g l u m ,
w h i l e t h o s e w h o f o c u s o n l y o n c e l e b r a t i o n will b e frothy, s u p e r -
ficial, a n d g l i b . O n c e a g a i n , w e a r e c a l l e d t o i n t e g r a t i o n . S t r i v i n g
for w h o l e n e s s m a k e s it necessary for us to continually acknowl-
e d g e a n d d o b a t t l e w i t h t h e f o r c e s o f evil. A t t h e s a m e t i m e , w e
m u s t r e m a i n conscious of a n d d e e p l y grateful for t h e forces of
good.
I n t h e b a t t l e b e t w e e n g o o d a n d evil, w e m u s t b e o p e n t o
s t r u g g l i n g t h r o u g h o u t o u r lives. W h i l e t h e r e i s r e a s o n t o b e p e s -
simistic, t h e r e also i s s t r o n g r e a s o n t o b e l i e v e t h a t e a c h o f u s
can have some impact, however minuscule it may seem, on
w h e t h e r t h e w o r l d tilts t o w a r d c h a n g e f o r g o o d o r ill. I n a r e -
m a r k a t t r i b u t e d t o E d m u n d B u r k e , w e h a v e t h e basis f o r d e t e r -
m i n i n g w h i c h o f t h e t w o f o r c e s will u l t i m a t e l y w i n t h e day: " T h e
o n l y t h i n g n e c e s s a r y f o r t h e t r i u m p h o f evil i s f o r g o o d m e n
[and women, I must add] to do nothing."
T H E PARADOX OF H U M A N NATURE
T h e p a r a d o x o f g o o d a n d evil i s e s s e n t i a l l y i n h e r e n t i n h u m a n
n a t u r e . I h a v e a l r e a d y s p o k e n a b o u t " o r i g i n a l sin." T o b a l a n c e
o u t t h e p a r a d o x , I n e e d t o talk a b o u t w h a t M a t t h e w F o x h a s
c a l l e d " o r i g i n a l b l e s s i n g . " I t is, t o p u t i t q u i t e simply, o u r c a p a c -
ity to c h a n g e . If, as I h a v e said, we a r e all b o r n liars, c h e a t s ,
thieves, a n d m a n i p u l a t o r s , to b e h a v e otherwise as adults w o u l d
s e e m t o b e c o n t r a r y t o h u m a n n a t u r e . B u t w e h a v e t h e ability t o
alter h u m a n n a t u r e — i f w e c h o o s e t o d o so.
W h e n e v e r s o m e o n e i s b o l d e n o u g h t o ask m e , "Dr. P e c k ,
w h a t i s h u m a n n a t u r e ? " m y first a n s w e r i s likely t o b e " H u m a n
nature is to go to the b a t h r o o m in your pants."
T h a t , after all, i s t h e way e a c h o f u s s t a r t e d o u t : d o i n g w h a t
c a m e n a t u r a l l y , l e t t i n g g o w h e n e v e r w e felt like it. B u t t h e n w h a t
h a p p e n e d t o us, w h e n w e w e r e a b o u t two, i s t h a t o u r m o t h e r s
( o r f a t h e r s ) b e g a n t e l l i n g u s , ' Y o u ' r e a r e a l l y n i c e k i d a n d I like
y o u a lot, b u t I ' d s o r t o f a p p r e c i a t e i t i f y o u ' d c l e a n u p y o u r act."
Now, t h i s r e q u e s t initially m a k e s n o s e n s e w h a t s o e v e r t o t h e
child. W h a t m a k e s sense is to let go w h e n t h e u r g e hits, a n d t h e
r e s u l t s always s e e m i n t e r e s t i n g . T o t h e c h i l d , k e e p i n g a t i g h t
fanny a n d s o m e h o w getting to t h e toilet j u s t in time to see this
i n t e r e s t i n g stuff f l u s h e d away i s totally u n n a t u r a l .
But if t h e r e is a g o o d relationship b e t w e e n the child a n d
the parent, a n d if the parent is not too impatient or overcon-
t r o l l i n g ( a n d u n f o r t u n a t e l y , t h e s e f a v o r a b l e c o n d i t i o n s a r e of-
t e n n o t m e t , w h i c h is t h e m a j o r r e a s o n t h a t we psychiatrists a r e
so interested in toilet training), t h e n s o m e t h i n g quite w o n d e r -
ful h a p p e n s . T h e c h i l d says t o himself: ' Y o u k n o w , M o m m y ' s a
n i c e o l d gal, a n d s h e ' s b e e n awfully g o o d t o m e t h e s e last c o u -
p l e o f y e a r s . I ' d like t o p a y h e r b a c k i n s o m e way, give h e r a
p r e s e n t o f s o m e k i n d . B u t I ' m j u s t a p u n y , h e l p l e s s little two-
y e a r - o l d . W h a t p r e s e n t c o u l d I possibly b e a b l e t o give h e r t h a t
s h e m i g h t w a n t o r n e e d — e x c e p t this o n e crazy t h i n g ? "
S o w h a t h a p p e n s t h e n i s t h a t a s a gift o f love t o t h e m o t h e r ,
the child begins to do the profoundly unnatural: to hold that
fanny tight a n d m a k e it to t h e toilet on time. A n d by t h e time
t h a t s a m e c h i l d i s f o u r o r f i v e , i t h a s c o m e t o feel p r o f o u n d l y
n a t u r a l t o g o t o t h e b a t h r o o m i n t h e toilet. W h e n , o n t h e o t h e r
h a n d , i n a m o m e n t o f stress o r f a t i g u e , h e f o r g e t s a n d h a s a n
" a c c i d e n t , " t h e c h i l d feels v e r y u n n a t u r a l a b o u t t h e w h o l e m e s s y
b u s i n e s s . W h a t h a s o c c u r r e d , i n t h e s p a c e o f two o r t h r e e s h o r t
y e a r s , i s t h a t o u t o f love, t h e c h i l d h a s s u c c e e d e d i n c h a n g i n g
his n a t u r e .
This capacity we have b e e n given to c h a n g e — t h i s original
b l e s s i n g , t h e ability t o t r a n s f o r m o u r s e l v e s — i s s o e x t r a o r d i n a r y
that at o t h e r times w h e n I am asked, "What is h u m a n n a t u r e ? " I
facetiously r e s p o n d t h a t t h e r e is no such t h i n g . F o r w h a t distin-

guishes us h u m a n s most from the o t h e r creatures is n o t o u r op-
posable t h u m b or o u r magnificent larynx or o u r h u g e cerebral
c o r t e x ; i t i s o u r relative l a c k o f i n s t i n c t s , t h o s e i n h e r i t e d , p r e -
f o r m e d p a t t e r n s o f b e h a v i o r t h a t , a s far a s w e c a n a s c e r t a i n , give
the o t h e r creatures a m u c h m o r e fixed a n d p r e d e t e r m i n e d na-
ture than we have as h u m a n s . In other words, h u m a n beings are
e n d o w e d with access to a m u c h wider r a n g e of o p t i o n s — s o -
cially, psychologically, a n d p h y s i c a l l y — t h a t give u s flexibility i n
r e s p o n d i n g a n d h a n d l i n g a variety o f c i r c u m s t a n c e s a n d situa-
tions.
M u c h o f m y life I h a v e b e e n i n v o l v e d i n p e a c e m a k i n g ac-
tivities. T h o s e w h o b e l i e v e t h a t a w o r l d o f p e a c e i s a n i m p o s s i -
bility g e n e r a l l y r e f e r t o t h e m s e l v e s a s realists. T h e y h a v e
referred to me as an idealist—or, m o r e frequently, as an empty-
h e a d e d i d e a l i s t o r a f u z z y - h e a d e d idealist. A n d t h e y h a v e b e e n
right to a certain e x t e n t — n o t , I h o p e , a b o u t t h e empty- or
fuzzy-headedness, b u t a b o u t the idealism. I would define an
idealist as o n e w h o believes in t h e capacity for t r a n s f o r m a t i o n
of h u m a n n a t u r e . I am not, however, a r o m a n t i c . I would define
a r o m a n t i c as o n e w h o n o t only believes in t h e capacity for
t r a n s f o r m a t i o n o f h u m a n n a t u r e b u t also b e l i e v e s i t o u g h t t o b e
easy. R o m a n t i c s g r a v i t a t e t o s i m p l i s t i c f o r m u l a s s u c h a s " L o v e
c o n q u e r s all." I n m y w o r k a s a p s y c h i a t r i s t i t g r a d u a l l y b e c a m e
c l e a r t o m e t h a t m a n y w o u l d n o t c h a n g e a n d g r o w d e s p i t e all
t h e love i n t h e w o r l d . C h a n g i n g h u m a n n a t u r e i s n ' t easy. B u t i t
is p o s s i b l e .
T h e r e a r e p r o f o u n d r e a s o n s w h y i t i s n ' t easy. W h a t w e call
p e r s o n a l i t y c a n b e s t b e d e f i n e d a s a consistent p a t t e r n o f o r g a n i -
zation of psychic e l e m e n t s — a c o m b i n a t i o n of t h i n k i n g a n d be-
havior. " C o n s i s t e n t " is t h e key w o r d in this d e f i n i t i o n . T h e r e is a
consistency to t h e personality of individuals—and to t h e "per-
sonality" of cultures or n a t i o n s as well—a consistency t h a t has
b o t h a d a r k side a n d a light side, a g o o d a n d a bad.
F o r i n s t a n c e , w h e n I was still i n p r a c t i c e a n d n e w p a t i e n t s
c a m e t o s e e m e , t h e y w o u l d b e likely t o f i n d m e d r e s s e d i n a n
o p e n - c o l l a r e d shirt, a c o m f o r t a b l e sweater, a n d p e r h a p s e v e n
214 M. Scott Peck M.D.
slippers. If they c a m e back to see me a s e c o n d time a n d f o u n d

m e i n a tie a n d b u s i n e s s suit, r e a d y t o l e a v e f o r a s p e a k i n g e n -
g a g e m e n t , t h a t w o u l d p r o b a b l y b e all r i g h t . I f t h e y w e r e t o
c o m e b a c k a t h i r d t i m e , h o w e v e r , a n d f o u n d m e i n a l o n g , flow-
ing blue robe, wearing jewelry a n d blowing a joint, chances are
they w o u l d n ' t c o m e back to see me a fourth time. O n e of t h e
r e a s o n s t h a t m a n y d i d k e e p r e t u r n i n g f o r m y services was t h a t I
was p r e t t y m u c h t h e s a m e o l d Scotty every t i m e t h e y c a m e .
T h e r e was a c o n s i s t e n c y i n m y p e r s o n a l i t y t h a t a l l o w e d t h e m t o
k n o w w h e r e t h e y s t o o d . I t gave t h e m s o m e t h i n g t o " h a n g t h e i r
hats on." We n e e d a certain a m o u n t of consistency—a degree of
p r e d i c t a b i l i t y — i n o u r p e r s o n a l i t i e s s o t h a t w e c a n f u n c t i o n ef-
fectively i n t h e w o r l d a s t r u s t w o r t h y h u m a n b e i n g s .
T h e d a r k s i d e o f t h a t c o n s i s t e n c y , h o w e v e r , i s w h a t w e psy-
c h o t h e r a p i s t s call r e s i s t a n c e . T h e p e r s o n a l i t y — w h e t h e r t h a t o f
a n i n d i v i d u a l o r a n a t i o n — i n h e r e n t l y resists c h a n g e . C h a n g e i s
t h r e a t e n i n g , even w h e n it m a y be for t h e better. Most patients
c o m e t o p s y c h o t h e r a p y a s k i n g t o c h a n g e o n e way o r a n o t h e r .
But from t h e m o m e n t therapy begins, they start acting as if
c h a n g e w e r e t h e last t h i n g t h a t t h e y w a n t t o d o , a n d t h e y will of-
ten fight against it t o o t h a n d nail. Psychotherapy, d e s i g n e d to
l i b e r a t e , s h i n e s t h e l i g h t o f t r u t h u p o n o u r selves. T h e a d a g e
" T h e t r u t h will s e t y o u f r e e , b u t f i r s t i t will m a k e y o u d a m n m a d "
reflects t h e r e s i s t a n c e o f o u r h u m a n n a t u r e t o c h a n g e . I t i s
clearly n o t easy f o r u s t o c h a n g e . B u t i t i s p o s s i b l e — a n d t h a t i s
o u r glory as h u m a n beings.
O u r n a t u r a l r e s i s t a n c e t o c h a n g e — a r e s u l t o f o u r laziness,
fear, o r n a r c i s s i s m — i s w h a t i s m e a n t , I b e l i e v e , b y " o r i g i n a l sin."
A t t h e very s a m e t i m e , t h e m o s t d i s t i n g u i s h i n g f e a t u r e o f o u r
h u m a n n a t u r e — o u r "original blessing"—is o u r capacity t o
c h a n g e i f w e s o d e s i r e . G i v e n f r e e will, i t i s o u r i n d i v i d u a l c h o i c e
w h e t h e r t o give i n t o o u r o r i g i n a l sin, resist c h a n g e , s t a g n a t e ,
a n d e v e n d e t e r i o r a t e , o r t o w o r k o n o u r i n d i v i d u a l a s well a s so-
cietal t r a n s f o r m a t i o n . I t w o u l d b e p o i n t l e s s t o w o r k f o r s o c i e t a l
b e t t e r m e n t i f p e o p l e c o u l d n o t c h a n g e . Yet p e o p l e a r e f r e e n o t
to c h a n g e . This conflict b e t w e e n t h e inertia of n o t c h a n g i n g
a n d t h e effort o f c h a n g i n g was s u m m e d u p b y a v e r y e a r l y C h r i s -
tian t h e o l o g i a n , O r i g e n , w h o said, " T h e Spirit stands for

p r o g r e s s , a n d evil, b y d e f i n i t i o n t h e n , i s t h a t w h i c h r e f u s e s
progress."
T H E PARADOX OF ENTITLEMENT
I have already explored an aspect of "criminal thinking" known

as the psychology of entitlement. Many p e o p l e — w h e t h e r they
are rich or p o o r — t e n d to believe they are entitled to s o m e t h i n g
for n o t h i n g , or to b e h a v e as if t h e world owes t h e m r a t h e r t h a n
t h e o t h e r way a r o u n d . S o m e feel e n t i t l e d o n t h e basis o f a su-
periority c o m p l e x , while for o t h e r s t h e sense of e n t i t l e m e n t
a r i s e s f r o m a n i n f e r i o r i t y c o m p l e x . T h e l a t t e r s e e m t o feel t h e y
h a v e n o r e s p o n s i b i l i t y for t h e i r o w n l o t i n life. T h e f o r m e r b e l i e v e
t h e y a r e d u e all t h e i r " s u c c e s s , " e v e n a t t h e e x p e n s e o f o t h e r s ,
w h o m t h e y s e e a s less d e s e r v i n g t h a n they, o f t e n f o r i r r e l e v a n t
a n d insignificant reasons.
T h e r e are n u m e r o u s reasons b e h i n d this seemingly perva-
sive a t t i t u d e of e n t i t l e m e n t . In In Search of Stones, I cite o n e s u c h
particularly American reason. It is the notion p u t forth by the
D e c l a r a t i o n o f I n d e p e n d e n c e : "We h o l d t h e s e t r u t h s t o b e self-
e v i d e n t , t h a t all m e n a r e c r e a t e d e q u a l , t h a t t h e y a r e e n d o w e d
by their C r e a t o r with certain u n a l i e n a b l e Rights, t h a t a m o n g
t h e s e a r e Life, L i b e r t y a n d t h e p u r s u i t o f H a p p i n e s s . " I b e l i e v e
these words are, paradoxically, p e r h a p s t h e m o s t p r o f o u n d a n d
t h e silliest w o r d s e v e r w r i t t e n . T h e y c o n s t i t u t e a m a g n i f i c e n t
a n d h o l y v i si o n t h a t a c c u r a t e l y c a p t u r e s t h e e s s e n c e o f t h e h u -
m a n condition. At the same time, they are horribly misleading.
W e a r e all e q u a l i n t h e s i g h t o f G o d . B e y o n d t h a t , h o w e v e r ,
w e a r e u t t e r l y u n e q u a l . W e h a v e d i f f e r e n t gifts a n d liabilities,
d i f f e r e n t g e n e s , d i f f e r e n t l a n g u a g e s a n d c u l t u r e s , d i f f e r e n t val-
u e s a n d styles o f t h i n k i n g , d i f f e r e n t p e r s o n a l h i s t o r i e s , d i f f e r e n t
levels o f c o m p e t e n c e , a n d o n a n d o n . I n d e e d , h u m a n i t y m i g h t
b e p r o p e r l y l a b e l e d t h e u n e q u a l species. W h a t m o s t distin-
g u i s h e s u s f r o m all t h e o t h e r c r e a t u r e s i s o u r e x t r a o r d i n a r y di-
versity a n d t h e variability o f o u r b e h a v i o r . E q u a l ? I n t h e m o r a l
s p h e r e a l o n e we r a n g e from t h e d e m o n i c to t h e gloriously an-

gelic.
T h e false n o t i o n o f o u r e q u a l i t y p r o p e l s u s i n t o t h e p r e -
tense of p s e u d o c o m m u n i t y — t h e notion that everyone is the
s a m e — a n d w h e n t h e p r e t e n s e fails, a s i t m u s t i f w e a c t w i t h a n y
intimacy or authenticity, it propels us to a t t e m p t to achieve
e q u a l i t y b y f o r c e : t h e f o r c e o f g e n t l e p e r s u a s i o n f o l l o w e d b y less
a n d less g e n t l e p e r s u a s i o n . W e totally m i s i n t e r p r e t o u r task. So-
ciety's task i s n o t t o e s t a b l i s h equality. I t i s t o d e v e l o p s y s t e m s
that deal h u m a n e l y with o u r inequality—systems that, within
r e a s o n , c e l e b r a t e a n d e n c o u r a g e diversity.
T h e c o n c e p t of h u m a n rights is central to the d e v e l o p m e n t
o f s u c h systems; I w h o l e h e a r t e d l y a p p l a u d t h e Bill o f R i g h t s a p -
p e n d e d t o t h e U . S . C o n s t i t u t i o n a n d , g e n e r a l l y , its i n t e r p r e t a -
tion by t h e courts. I am m u c h m o r e d u b i o u s , however, a b o u t
the sweeping rights claimed by the Declaration of I n d e p e n -
d e n c e : t h e r i g h t s t o life, liberty, a n d t h e p u r s u i t o f h a p p i n e s s . A s
I a p p r o a c h s e r i o u s o l d a g e , for i n s t a n c e , I a m i n c r e a s i n g l y d u -
b i o u s a b o u t m y r i g h t t o life i n c e r t a i n r e s p e c t s . A s a n a u t h o r
a n d t e a c h e r , I m u s t q u e s t i o n m y l i b e r t y t o lie o r e v e n s u b t l y dis-
tort. As a psychiatrist a n d t h e o l o g i a n , k n o w i n g h a p p i n e s s to be
e i t h e r a s i d e effect o f s o m e d e e p e r p u r s u i t o r else t h e r e s u l t o f
s e l f - d e l u s i o n , I ' m n o t s u r e h o w w o r t h y a p u r s u i t h a p p i n e s s is.
M y still l a r g e r p r o b l e m i s w i t h t h e a g g r e g a t e o f t h e s e r i g h t s .
A d d t h e r i g h t s o f life, liberty, a n d t h e p u r s u i t o f h a p p i n e s s t o -
g e t h e r a n d it s o u n d s as if we have a right to p e a c e — a s if we are
entitled to peace.
A g a i n , this p r e s e n t s a p a r a d o x . O n e s i d e o f t h e p a r a d o x i s
t h a t p e a c e is a t r u l y p r o p e r h u m a n a s p i r a t i o n . T h e r e is a differ-
e n c e b e t w e e n lethal a n d n o n l e t h a l conflict, however. W e n e e d
t h e latter. I f m a n a g e d p r o p e r l y i t a c t u a l l y t e n d s t o p r o m o t e h u -
m a n dignity. D e s p i t e its s u p p o s e d g l o r i e s , w a r g e n e r a l l y d e -
stroys o u r dignity. I f w e d e f i n e p e a c e a s t h e a b s e n c e o f o u t r i g h t
war, i t i s i n d e e d n o b l e t o a s p i r e t o it, a n d w e c a n n o t a s p i r e t o
s o m e t h i n g w e feel w e d o n ' t d e s e r v e . I n this s e n s e w e s h o u l d r e -
g a r d p e a c e as a right. T h e o t h e r side of t h e p a r a d o x is t h a t we
h a v e n o r i g h t t o d e s e r v e p e a c e w i t h o u t w o r k i n g f o r it. All t h a t I
have ever said a b o u t community, a n d everything we k n o w a b o u t

peace, indicates that we have no reason whatsoever to expect it
effortlessly, o r t o e x p e c t t h a t o n c e w e h a v e , t h r o u g h sacrifice,
w o n p e a c e , i t will stay a r o u n d f o r l o n g w i t h o u t o u r h a v i n g t o lift
a finger a g a i n .
P e r h a p s n o pitfall i s m o r e d a n g e r o u s t h a n t h e a s s u m p t i o n
t h a t w e a r e e n t i t l e d t o p e a c e . O n e way this n o t i o n o f e n t i t l e -
m e n t t o p e a c e w o r k s itself o u t i s t h e a s s u m p t i o n o f vast n u m -
b e r s o f A m e r i c a n s t h a t all c o n f l i c t s c a n b e p e a c e f u l l y r e s o l v e d .
T h a t i s n a i v e . Yet m a n y o t h e r s o p e r a t e o u t o f t h e o p p o s i t e as-
s u m p t i o n , that n o conflict can b e resolved e x c e p t t h r o u g h
f o r c e — t h r o u g h v i o l e n c e o r t h e t h r e a t o f it. T h i s a s s u m p t i o n i s
cynical a n d self-fulfilling. T h e p a r a d o x i c a l reality a t this p o i n t
i n h u m a n e v o l u t i o n i s t h a t s o m e w a r s a r e u n a v o i d a b l e o r "just,"
a n d s o m e are unjust, unnecessary, a n d waged at horrifying cost
o u t o f s h e e r laziness a n d stupidity.
A l t h o u g h I've b e e n s p e a k i n g o f p e a c e b e t w e e n p e o p l e , t h e
s a m e p a r a d o x i c a l principles h o l d t r u e for achieving t h a t m u c h -
yearned-for condition called i n n e r peace. A l t h o u g h we have
t h e r i g h t t o d e s i r e it, w e a r e n o m o r e e n t i t l e d t o i n n e r p e a c e
t h a n t o o u t e r p e a c e . Yet m a n y p r o t e s t i n d i g n a n t l y w h e n life it-
self i n t e r r u p t s t h e h a p p i n e s s o r s e r e n i t y t h e y h a v e c o m e t o s e e
as an e n t i t l e m e n t . Moreover, in o r d e r to possess i n n e r p e a c e we
a r e f r e q u e n t l y r e q u i r e d t o first b e w i l l i n g t o f o r s a k e it. O n l y
t h o s e w h o c a n c o n s t a n t l y lie t o t h e m s e l v e s w i t h o u t q u a l m s h a v e
u n q u a l i f i e d p e a c e o f m i n d . B u t i f w e d o n o t w a n t t o b e self-
b r a i n - d a m a g e d i n this m a n n e r , w e n e e d t o r e m e m b e r t h a t
t h e r e i s s o m e t h i n g far m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n i n n e r p e a c e : in-
tegrity. I n t e g r i t y r e q u i r e s , a m o n g o t h e r t h i n g s , t h e w i l l i n g n e s s
to e n d u r e discomfort for t h e sake of truth.
T o r e m e m b e r this, i t h e l p s m e t o t h i n k a b o u t J e s u s , w h o s o
o f t e n felt f r u s t r a t e d , a n g r y , f r i g h t e n e d , lonely, s a d , a n d d e -
p r e s s e d — a m a n w h o clearly d e s i r e d p o p u l a r i t y b u t w o u l d n o t
sell o u t f o r i t a n d w h o t a u g h t u s t h a t life i s s o m e t h i n g m o r e
than a popularity contest; a m a n w h o did n o t seem to have
m u c h "inner peace" as the world is accustomed to imagining it
to be, yet w h o has b e e n called t h e Prince of Peace. We m u s t be
a w a r e t h a t t h e r e i s a false k i n d o f p e a c e o f m i n d t h a t d e r i v e s
from b e i n g o u t of t o u c h with ourselves. T r u e i n n e r p e a c e re-
q u i r e s us to be i n t i m a t e with every facet of ourselves—to be n o t
o n l y i n v e s t e d i n o u r r i g h t s b u t also c o n c e r n e d a b o u t o u r r e -
sponsibilities.
T H E PARADOX OF RESPONSIBILITY
As c i t i z e n s , we a r e a f f e c t e d by a variety of issues at t h e l o c a l ,
s t a t e , a n d n a t i o n a l levels. D e p e n d i n g o n t h e i m p a c t o f t h e s e is-
s u e s o n o u r daily lives a n d t h e lives o f o t h e r s , d i f f e r e n t r o l e s a n d
responsibilities may be r e q u i r e d of us. S o m e a t t e m p t to m e e t
this c h a l l e n g e — t o m a k e a difference—by diligently v o t i n g in
every local a n d n a t i o n a l election. O t h e r s c h o o s e t h e r o u t e of
p a r t i c i p a t i n g i n c o m m u n i t y o r g a n i z a t i o n s ' efforts t o h e l p t h o s e
i n n e e d . Still o t h e r s m a k e f i n a n c i a l c o n t r i b u t i o n s t o s u p p o r t
c a u s e s o f i n t e r e s t a n d c o n c e r n t o t h e m . B u t m a n y resist t a k i n g
any k i n d of responsibility. T h e y find it easier instead to look to
o t h e r s t o b e t h e m e s s i a h s t o solve all t h e w o r l d ' s p r o b l e m s .
R a t h e r t h a n t a k e a n y active r o l e i n g a i n i n g a n d m a i n t a i n i n g c e r -
t a i n r i g h t s , t h e y feel n o r e s p o n s i b i l i t y f o r m a k i n g c l e a r c h o i c e s
a b o u t t h e quality of their citizenship. T h e y may be able to claim
t h e y a r e d o i n g n o h a r m t o society, b u t t h e s a y i n g ( a t t r i b u t e d t o
E l d r i d g e Cleaver, d u r i n g t h e 1960s) i s t r u e : "If y o u a r e n o t p a r t
of the solution, t h e n you are part of the problem."
T h e p a r a d o x i s t h a t w e a r e r e s p o n s i b l e for e v e r y t h i n g a n d
at t h e s a m e time we c a n n o t be responsible for everything. T h e
a n s w e r t o t h i s — a n d t o all p a r a d o x e s — i s n o t t o r u n w i t h o n l y
o n e side o f t h e e q u a t i o n b u t t o e m b r a c e b o t h sides o f t h e t r u t h .
T h e writer William Faulkner, in a s p e e c h m a d e w h e n his d a u g h -
t e r Jill g r a d u a t e d f r o m h i g h s c h o o l , said: " N e v e r b e a f r a i d t o
raise y o u r voice for h o n e s t y a n d t r u t h a n d c o m p a s s i o n against
i n j u s t i c e a n d lying a n d g r e e d . I f p e o p l e all o v e r t h e w o r l d , i n
t h o u s a n d s o f r o o m s like t h i s o n e , w o u l d d o this, i t w o u l d c h a n g e
the earth."
An u n k n o w n seamstress at a Montgomery, Alabama, depart-
m e n t store in 1955, Rosa Parks h e l p e d c h a n g e o u r n a t i o n w h e n

h e r refusal t o yield h e r b u s s e a t t o a w h i t e m a n t r i g g e r e d a b u s
b o y c o t t t h a t l a s t e d 3 8 1 days. H e r f e e t t i r e d , a n d h e r d i g n i t y r e -
p e a t e d l y t e s t e d , t h i s forty-two-year-old b l a c k w o m a n was ar-
rested a n d subsequently fired from h e r j o b . H e r simple
action—and subsequent actions on the parts of m a n y o t h e r s —
s p u r r e d a m o v e m e n t that led to t r e m e n d o u s legal r e f o r m in
this c o u n t r y .
N o t everyone can have the impact of a Rosa Parks, b u t we
e a c h c a n t a k e a s t a n d i n t h e s t r u g g l e a g a i n s t all k i n d s o f evil i n
o u r w o r l d . I n d e e d , t h e b a t t l e a g a i n s t evil b e g i n s a t h o m e . W e
m u s t d e a l w i t h o u r s e l v e s a n d o u r f a m i l i e s first, a n d w o r k t o c r e -
a t e h e a l t h i e r c o m m u n i c a t i o n a n d i n t e r a c t i o n s . " T h i n k globally,
a c t locally" is a g o o d g u i d e l i n e .
Given geographical a n d o t h e r limitations that t h e average
c i t i z e n faces, a c t i n g locally m a y b e t h e o n l y v i a b l e way t o m a k e a
difference. But that does n o t m e a n o u r thinking m u s t b e re-
s t r i c t e d t o t h a t w h i c h i s c l o s e t o h o m e . W e always h a v e t h e o p -
t i o n t o t h i n k g l o b a l l y o n m a n y issues. I c a n , i f I c h o o s e t o , b e
c o n c e r n e d only a b o u t t h e cost of m e d i c a l care in t h e U n i t e d
S t a t e s , s i m p l y b e c a u s e it affects m e . B u t s i n c e I am a c i t i z e n of
t h e w o r l d , I c a n n o t c l o s e m y eyes t o e v e n t s i n t h e r e s t o f t h e
w o r l d . I h a v e a r e s p o n s i b i l i t y t o t h i n k a b o u t t h e civil w a r s a n d
the genocide a n d other war crimes now r a m p a n t in Rwanda,
Yugoslavia, a n d o t h e r p a r t s o f t h e w o r l d . Still, I h a v e n o t t a k e n
the time to study these places as deeply as I studied the Vietnam
War. W i t h v a r i o u s d e m a n d s a l r e a d y i n m y life, m y p l a t e i s al-
r e a d y t o o full. N o o n e c a n s t u d y e v e r y t h i n g o r t a k e a c t i o n a n d
responsibility for everything w i t h o u t ultimately setting himself
up for r e s i d e n c e in a m e n t a l institution.
Yet i t i s n o t always e n o u g h t o b e c o n c e r n e d o n l y w i t h m a t -
t e r s t h a t d i r e c t l y affect o u r s e l v e s . B e y o n d o u r o w n r i g h t s a n d
s t a n d i n g u p f o r o u r p e r s o n h o o d , w e n e e d s o m e t i m e s t o b e will-
ing to take a stand on behalf of others, even w h e n there seems
no direct benefit to ourselves. S o m e t i m e s we m u s t be willing to
d o s o a t o u r o w n risk. T h e r e s p o n s i b i l i t y f o r d i s c e r n i n g w h e n t o
go o u t on a limb is a choice that each individual m u s t m a k e , de-
p e n d i n g o n w h a t h e o r s h e i s willing t o give u p o r l o s e f o r t h e
sake of s t a n d i n g for s o m e t h i n g .
T h e r e are times w h e n we are truly in a b i n d a b o u t exactly
w h e r e t o d r a w l i n e s o f r e s p o n s i b i l i t y . I n s u c h cases, w e n e e d t o
d o t h e best w e can a n d t h e n simply c o n c e d e t h e rest t o uncer-
tainty. W e will n o t always k n o w f o r s u r e w h e t h e r w e c o u l d h a v e
d o n e m o r e — w h e t h e r we should have spoken up when we
h e a r d a racial s l u r o r i n t e r v e n e d w h e n w e h e a r d a n e i g h b o r ver-
bally a b u s i n g his wife. I n t h e face o f c o m p l e x a n d o v e r w h e l m -
i n g social r e s p o n s i b i l i t i e s , w e m u s t r e m e m b e r t h a t i f w e b e c o m e
g r i p p e d b y d e s p a i r a n d b u r n o u t , w e will b e u s e l e s s n o t o n l y t o
o u r s e l v e s b u t also t o o t h e r s .
I am r e m i n d e d of an FCE C o m m u n i t y Building Workshop
d u r i n g which a white male m e m b e r of the g r o u p sent a note to
a b l a c k w o m a n w h o was s p e a k i n g o f t h e s e n s e o f a g o n i z i n g r e -
s p o n s i b i l i t y s h e felt for p r o m o t i n g a p o s i t i v e i m a g e o f h e r r a c e .
I t was a s i f s h e h a d t a k e n t h e w e i g h t o f t h e e n t i r e w o r l d o n h e r
s h o u l d e r s . T h e n o t e r e a d : " D o n o t feel totally, p e r s o n a l l y , irrev-
ocably responsible for everything. That's my j o b . " T h e kicker is
t h a t t h e n o t e was s i g n e d " G o d . " I n o t h e r w o r d s , t h e r e a r e t i m e s
in o u r lives—and in the world at large—when the most appro-
priate thing to do may be to temporarily, as the Alcoholics
A n o n y m o u s s a y i n g g o e s , "let g o a n d l e t G o d . "
W h i l e w e all c a n d e c i d e t o d o s o m e t h i n g t o h e l p o u r i m -
m e d i a t e families a n d c o m m u n i t i e s , I c a n n o t tell a n y b o d y specif-
ically w h a t i t i s h e o r s h e s h o u l d d o . S i n c e w e c a n n o t b e
i n v o l v e d i n e v e r y t h i n g , w e m u s t b e selective a b o u t o u r level o f
a c t i o n . F o r this w e m u s t d i s c e r n o u r c a l l i n g . A n d h o w G o d calls
o n e p e r s o n will n o t b e t h e way H e o r S h e calls a n o t h e r . I d o n ' t
consider any calling m o r e n o b l e t h a n that of w o r k i n g with t h e
p o o r . Yet i t h a s b e c o m e c l e a r t o m e o v e r m a n y y e a r s t h a t , m u c h
as I w a n t e d to be n o b l e , I do n o t s e e m to have a calling to do
h a n d s - o n work with t h e poor.
N e v e r was this m a d e m o r e c l e a r t o m e t h a n a d e c a d e a g o
w h e n Lily a n d I w e r e a s k e d t o d o a w e e k o f v o l u n t e e r w o r k w i t h
t h e C h u r c h o f t h e Savior i n W a s h i n g t o n , D . C . , p a r t o f w h o s e
m i n i s t r y was d i r e c t e d t o t h e p e o p l e i n p o w e r i n o u r f e d e r a l gov-
e r n m e n t . D u r i n g that week, we h o p e d that we m i g h t have the

o p p o r t u n i t y t o m e e t briefly w i t h G o r d o n Cosby, t h e d y n a m i c
f o u n d e r o f t h e c h u r c h , w h o s e p r i m a r y m i n i s t r y was t o t h e i n n e r -
city p o o r o f W a s h i n g t o n . O u r last d a y t h e r e b e g a n w i t h a m e e t -
i n g at t h e W o r l d B a n k at seven-thirty in t h e m o r n i n g ; t h e r e
followed n u m e r o u s a p p o i n t m e n t s with various U.S. r e p r e s e n t a -
tives a n d s e n a t o r s , a m e e t i n g w i t h t h e o r g a n i z e r s o f p r a y e r
breakfasts, a n d m a n y additional a p p o i n t m e n t s with congress-
p e o p l e i n t h e a f t e r n o o n . B y six o ' c l o c k t h a t e v e n i n g , w e w e r e u t -
terly s t r u n g o u t a n d e x h a u s t e d . T h e n w e w e r e i n f o r m e d t h a t w e
c o u l d m e e t C o s b y a t o n e o f t h e c h u r c h ' s g h e t t o c e n t e r s . Lily
a n d I arrived for t h e m e e t i n g a n d w e r e u s h e r e d downstairs to a
b a s e m e n t r o o m j a m m e d with several h u n d r e d h o m e l e s s p e o p l e
w h o w e r e e a t i n g off t i n trays w h i l e a r o c k b a n d p l a y e d o n a tiny
s t a g e . T h e n o i s e was d e a f e n i n g . C o s b y h o s p i t a b l y s u g g e s t e d t h a t
w e g r a b a t i n tray o f f o o d a n d sit d o w n b e s i d e h i m . I a s k e d i f w e
c o u l d talk s o m e p l a c e q u i e t , o u t s i d e t h e d i n i n g h a l l . H e o b l i g e d .
W h e n we finally m e t f o r a few m i n u t e s in a q u i e t r o o m , it was a
p e r s o n a l m o m e n t o f crisis f o r m e . " N o o n e c o u l d a d m i r e t h e
w o r k t h a t y o u a r e d o i n g m o r e t h a n I , G o r d o n , " I said, " p r e c i s e l y
b e c a u s e I myself a m n o t u p t o it. I d o n ' t s e e m t o b e c a l l e d t o it.
I wish I h a d y o u r c a l l i n g , b u t I d o n ' t . "
T h i s d o e s n ' t m e a n I h a v e n ' t b e e n i n v o l v e d i n o t h e r ways
working on behalf of the poor and the homeless. T h e Founda-
tion for C o m m u n i t y E n c o u r a g e m e n t has d o n e a n e n o r m o u s
a m o u n t o f w o r k i n a r e a s o f poverty. A n d I h a v e f o r t w o d e c a d e s
s p o k e n o u t a g a i n s t t h e s t a t e s ' d e c i s i o n t o virtually s h u t d o w n
t h e i r m e n t a l h o s p i t a l s a n d p u t t h e m a j o r i t y o f t h e i r severely a n d
c h r o n i c a l l y m e n t a l l y ill p a t i e n t s o u t o n t h e s t r e e t s . A l t h o u g h
this d e c i s i o n was d r e s s e d i n s w e e t w o r d s a b o u t r e s p e c t i n g t h e
civil l i b e r t i e s o f t h e m e n t a l l y ill a n d t h e b e n e f i t s o f m o d e r n
t r a n q u i l i z e r s , p l u s a n i c e fantasy a b o u t " c o m m u n i t y m e n t a l
health centers" that would take care of these people, I knew
from the b e g i n n i n g that the motives were primarily e c o n o m i c
a n d c o u l d see t h e p r o b l e m of homelessness as an inevitable re-
sult o f s u c h crass e c o n o m i c s .
B u t n o m a t t e r h o w o b n o x i o u s I m a d e myself (as i n m a n y o f
m y p e a c e m a k i n g activities), p e o p l e g e n e r a l l y d i d n o t l i s t e n . I n
this instance, as in o t h e r s , it h a s often s e e m e d to me t h a t my e n -
ergies have b e e n wasted. But for years I have b e e n c o n s o l e d by
an a c c o u n t of a patient of m i n e w h o a t t e n d e d a conference at
which o n e o f t h e Berrigan b r o t h e r s (who have l o n g b e e n in-
v o l v e d i n r a d i c a l civil d i s o b e d i e n c e o n b e h a l f o f d i s a r m a m e n t )
was s p e a k i n g . M y p a t i e n t said t h a t a t t h i s c o n f e r e n c e s o m e o n e
asked Father Berrigan h o w he could continue over decades to
d o his work w h e n i t s e e m e d t o have n o obvious results. H e re-
s p o n d e d , "We d o n ' t e v e n t h i n k a b o u t r e s u l t s . I f w e d i d , w e
w o u l d b e d e a d b y now. T h e results are n o t o u r c o n c e r n . W e j u s t
d o w h a t w e t h i n k i s r i g h t , w h a t w e feel w e h a v e t o d o , a n d l e a v e
t h e results up to God."
T H E PARADOXES OF TIME AND MONEY
W e m u s t n o t o n l y c h o o s e t h e level o f o u r i n v o l v e m e n t a n d o u r
responsibility as citizens b u t also c o n s i d e r t h e m a t t e r of timing.
D e c i d i n g w h e n to get involved is crucial, given t h a t we c a n
n e v e r d o e v e r y t h i n g w e m a y w a n t t o d o i n t h i s life, a n d g i v e n
t h e reality t h a t o u r own r e s o u r c e s — o f time, energy, a n d
m o n e y — a r e l i m i t e d . I o n c e m e t a w o m a n o f fifty-five w h o s e
c h i l d r e n w e r e g r o w n a n d w h o was heavily i n v o l v e d i n civil dis-
o b e d i e n c e . S h e n o t only h a d t h e time a n d energy b u t also the
t o l e r a n c e f o r s u c h activism; i n fact, s h e r e g a r d e d i t a s u n p r o -
ductive if she d i d n ' t go to jail at least o n c e a m o n t h . B u t I d o u b t
t h a t G o d i s likely t o call a n e w m o t h e r , o r a f a t h e r w h o s e i n c o m e
m u s t s u p p o r t h i s family, t o g o t o j a i l for civil d i s o b e d i e n c e .
A s t h e s a y i n g g o e s , t i m i n g i s e v e r y t h i n g . M a n y p e o p l e al-
r e a d y h a v e t h e i r h a n d s full m a k i n g a living a n d r a i s i n g t h e i r
c h i l d r e n . O t h e r s m a k e a different c h o i c e . I have h e a r d of a
n u m b e r o f civil activists w h o w e r e successful a s society's m o v e r s
a n d shakers b u t s e e m e d t o b e failures a s p a r e n t s . A p p a r e n t l y
t h e y s p e n t far m o r e t i m e o n social c a u s e s t h a n o n t h e i r o w n
c h i l d r e n a n d h o m e s . Yet s o m e o f t h e s e activists w e r e o b v i o u s l y
called to their work, a n d while they may have regretted n o t
s p e n d i n g m o r e t i m e w i t h t h e i r c h i l d r e n , t h e w o r l d i s v e r y possi-
bly b e t t e r off f o r t h e i r sacrifices.
M a n y s i g n i f i c a n t c o n t r i b u t i o n s a r e m a d e t o society t h r o u g h
t h e giving of time, money, or o t h e r r e s o u r c e s by strongly prin-
cipled individuals w h o r e g a r d their citizenship as a responsibil-
ity. " V o l u n t e e r i s m " i s t h e w o r d w e u s e t o d e s c r i b e efforts a t
trying to do g o o d in spheres b e y o n d personal e c o n o m i c inter-
ests a n d family. A s s o o n a s a p e r s o n s t a n d s u p f o r s o m e t h i n g
w i t h n o e x p e c t a t i o n o f r e w a r d , h i s i n v o l v e m e n t i n a c a u s e i s es-
sentially v o l u n t a r y . A p h i l a n t h r o p i s t v o l u n t e e r s h i s m o n e y . A
t e a c h e r m a y p r o v i d e free after-school t u t o r i n g to c h i l d r e n in a
p o o r n e i g h b o r h o o d . A s t u d e n t m a y assist a t a h o m e l e s s s h e l t e r .
A h o m e m a k e r m a y m a k e w e e k l y visits t o s p e n d q u a l i t y t i m e w i t h
l o n e l y r e s i d e n t s o f a h o m e f o r t h e elderly.
D o i n g v o l u n t e e r w o r k is a c a l l i n g . It is as l e g i t i m a t e a n d as
c o m p l e x a c h o i c e as a c a r e e r d e c i s i o n . I b e l i e v e t h a t m o s t p e o -
ple should volunteer at some time or another, a n d that the
p r o c e s s a n d o u t c o m e o f d o i n g s o a r e always m u t u a l l y b e n e f i c i a l
t o society a n d t o t h e i n d i v i d u a l . W h e t h e r o n e d o e s s o i n y o u t h ,
middle age, or old age, volunteering presents an opportunity
for l e a r n i n g a n d g r o w i n g t h r o u g h service t o o t h e r s . T h e e n t h u -
s i a s m a n d e n e r g y o f t h e y o u n g , a n d t h e availability, e x p e r i e n c e ,
a n d compassion o f o l d e r p e o p l e m a k e t h e m potentially very
dedicated volunteers.
But the choice of volunteerism must be weighed by many
factors, of which timing may be t h e m o s t crucial. In t h e succinct
w o r d s o f Ecclesiastes:
To every t h i n g t h e r e is a season, a n d a t i m e to every pur-

pose u n d e r the heaven;
A time to be b o r n , a n d a time to die; a time to plant, a n d
a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A t i m e t o kill, a n d a t i m e t o h e a l ; a t i m e t o b r e a k d o w n ,
a n d a time to build up;
A time to w e e p , a n d a time to laugh; a time to m o u r n ,
a n d a time to dance;
A t i m e t o cast away s t o n e s , a n d a t i m e t o g a t h e r s t o n e s t o -
gether; a time to e m b r a c e , a n d a time to refrain from

embracing;
A t i m e to g e t , a n d a t i m e to l o s e ; a t i m e to k e e p , a n d a
t i m e t o cast away;
A t i m e t o r e n d , a n d a t i m e t o sew; a t i m e t o k e e p s i l e n c e ,
a n d a time to speak;
A t i m e to love, a n d a t i m e to h a t e ; a time of war, a n d a
time of peace.
J u s t a s t i m e i s i m p o r t a n t , o t h e r r e s o u r c e s a l s o m a k e a dif-
f e r e n c e i n o n e ' s ability t o s e r v e society. M a n y simplistically m i s -
c o n s t r u e activism a s a call t o r a d i c a l poverty, a n d t h u s r e j e c t it.
W o r k i n g f o r t h e g o o d o f society n e e d n o t b e s y n o n y m o u s w i t h a
t o t a l sacrifice o f o n e ' s c o m f o r t . S o m e y e a r s a g o I r e a d t h e p r o -
c e e d i n g s o f a c o n f e r e n c e o f c o m m u n i t y activists i n N o v a S c o t i a .
O n e o f t h e speakers, w h o h a d s p e n t m a n y years o n t h e front
l i n e s o f social a c t i o n a n d v o l u n t e e r i s m , said, " T h e g r e a t e s t c o n -
tribution you can make to the p o o r is by not becoming o n e of
t h e m . " This s t a t e m e n t may s e e m h a r s h , b u t o u t o f m y own ex-
p e r i e n c e i t s t r u c k m e , i n p a r t a t least, a s h a v i n g t h e r i n g o f
t r u t h . F C E , f o r i n s t a n c e , h a s b e e n a b l e t o d o its p e a c e m a k i n g
a n d poverty work only b e c a u s e it is a financially solvent n o n -
profit organization.
W h i l e t h e r e ' s n o v i r t u e p e r s e i n a b j e c t poverty, t h e r e i s t h e
real question of w h e t h e r great wealth simply constitutes greed.
It d e p e n d s , of course, on how that m o n e y is spent. T h e r e is
m o r e t h a n a grain of t r u t h in the saying t h a t m o n e y is t h e r o o t
o f all evil. B u t t h e flip s i d e i s e q u a l l y c o m p e l l i n g . G i v e n t h a t c a p -
ital c a n a l s o b e u s e d t o d o g o o d , a m a n n a m e d L e o n a r d O r r
o n c e suggested that m o n e y c a n be viewed as " G o d in circula-
tion."
But when is e n o u g h money enough? Those intent on mak-
ing money, or on keeping what they have already m a d e , m i g h t
b e i n c l i n e d t o a n s w e r , "Never." I n m y view, m o n e y i s t h e m e a n s
t o a n e n d , n o t t h e e n d i n itself. A n d i f t h a t e n d i s t o d o g o o d ,
again t h e r e may never be e n o u g h money. In any case, t h e ques-
t i o n s e l d o m arises u n l e s s t h e r e i s " n o t e n o u g h " a n d d e c i s i o n s

m u s t b e m a d e c o n c e r n i n g w h a t t o d o a b o u t it.
I t i s o f t e n r e c o g n i z e d t h a t m o n e y i s p e r h a p s m o r e likely t o
be enslaving t h a n liberating. M o n e y is a seductive mistress. In
In Search of Stones, I w r o t e t h a t I w o r r y far m o r e a b o u t m o n e y
t h a n I u s e d t o w h e n w e d i d n ' t h a v e m u c h o f it. S o m e o f this
w o r r y i s a p p r o p r i a t e . " A fool a n d h i s m o n e y a r e s o o n p a r t e d . "
B u t I h a v e also w o r r i e d a b o u t m o n e y m o r e t h a n n e c e s s a r y , a n d
i n i n a p p r o p r i a t e ways t h a t c o u l d easily b e c o m e a n o b s e s s i o n .
C o u n t i n g u p t h e n u m b e r s c a n certainly h e l p relieve o u r anxi-
e t i e s a b o u t t h e f u t u r e . B u t i t c a n a l s o l e a d t o false p r i d e a n d self-
satisfaction, as if m o n e y w e r e t h e m e a s u r e of o u r w o r t h .
I a m p e r h a p s m o r e p r o n e t o this o b s e s s i o n t h a n m o s t .
B o r n i n M a y 1 9 3 6 , I a m v e r y m u c h a D e p r e s s i o n baby. T h r o u g h -
o u t o u r P a r k A v e n u e c h i l d h o o d s , m y f a t h e r w o u l d n o t only ex-
p o u n d t o m y b r o t h e r a n d m e , "You b o y s h a v e g o t t o l e a r n t h e
v a l u e o f a d o l l a r , " b u t also r e p e a t e d l y p r o c l a i m , " W e ' r e g o i n g t o
t h e p o o r h o u s e . " P a r t o f m e k n e w a t t h e t i m e t h a t this was l a u g h -
able. However, it sank in. As an adolescent, w h e n I took my
d a t e s t o d i n n e r , I w o u l d sit i n s i l e n t a n g u i s h i f t h e y o r d e r e d any-
t h i n g o t h e r t h a n o n e o f t h e l e a s t e x p e n s i v e e n t r e e s . I was a b l e
t o g e t o v e r t h a t , b u t f o r m a n y y e a r s after g e t t i n g m a r r i e d a n d
having children I worried we might e n d up going to the poor-
h o u s e . W h a t if I h a d a stroke a n d c o u l d n ' t work? W h a t if we got
s u e d ? W h a t i f t h e b o t t o m fell o u t o f t h e s t o c k m a r k e t ? W h a t i f
i n f l a t i o n r a n r a m p a n t ? W h a t if? W h a t if?
In m a n y m i n d s , m o n e y a n d security are equivalents. But
c o m p l e t e s e c u r i t y i s a n i l l u s i o n . Life i s a n i n h e r e n t l y i n s e c u r e
b u s i n e s s . At a v e r y e a r l y a g e , I was g r a n t e d a r e v e l a t i o n t h a t t h e
o n l y r e a l s e c u r i t y in life lies in r e l i s h i n g life's i n s e c u r i t y . I h a v e
p r e a c h e d this r e v e l a t i o n e v e r s i n c e , y e t t o t h i s d a y I c o n t i n u e t o
n e e d t o r e l e a r n it. M o n e y i s a k i n d o f security, a n d t h e r e c a n
n e v e r b e e n o u g h — a t least, n o t w h e n w e a r e c h a s i n g after t h e il-
l u s i o n o f t o t a l security.
I k n o w p e r f e c t l y well t h a t t h o s e v e r y w e a l t h y p e o p l e w h o
n e v e r give away a n y t h i n g h a v e b e e n d a m n e d t o c h a s e after t h a t
e m p t y illusion. I k n o w b e c a u s e a p a r t of t h e m is in m e . I m a y
n o t h a v e fallen p r e y a s c o m p l e t e l y a s t h e y t o t h e i d o l a t r y o f
m o n e y , b u t t h e fact r e m a i n s t h a t n o t h i n g c o n t i n u e s t o i n t e r f e r e
m o r e w i t h m y p r a y e r life t h a n c o n c e r n s a b o u t m y i n c o m e , in-
v e s t m e n t s , a n d b o o k sales. S o m e s p i r i t u a l w r i t e r s h a v e d i a g -
n o s e d t h e h u m a n race as suffering from a "psychology of
scarcity"; t h e y u r g e u s t o a " p s y c h o l o g y o f a b u n d a n c e " — a s e n s e
t h a t t h e r e will always b e e n o u g h a n d t h a t G o d will p l e n t i f u l l y
p r o v i d e . I b e l i e v e in t h i s t e a c h i n g . It's j u s t t h a t as a D e p r e s s i o n
b a b y I ' m h a r d p r e s s e d t o follow it, try a s I m i g h t .
W h a t truly constitutes wealth? In worldly t e r m s , it is t h e
possession of m o n e y a n d valuable things. But if we were to mea-
s u r e w e a l t h i n o t h e r ways, b e s i d e s m e r e d o l l a r s , m a n y w h o a r e
p o o r i n possessions a r e spiritually rich, a n d m a n y w h o own
m u c h a r e spiritually i m p o v e r i s h e d . F r o m a psychospiritual per-
spective, t h e truly wealthy a r e t h o s e w h o have a n o n g o i n g rela-
t i o n s h i p with G o d a n d have l e a r n e d that by giving of themselves
t h e y also r e c e i v e m u c h .
W h e t h e r w e a r e b l e s s e d w i t h gifts o f t h e s p i r i t o r w o r l d l y
wealth or b o t h , d e m a n d s a c c o m p a n y those blessings. We have
h e a r d it said t h a t f r o m t h e o n e to w h o m m u c h is given (in t h e
way o f t a l e n t , m o n e y , o r o t h e r r e s o u r c e s ) m u c h i s e x p e c t e d .
T h u s , o n e o f t h e greatest d i l e m m a s for t h o s e w h o have accu-
mulated any measure of wealth is the decision w h e t h e r — a n d to
what extent—they should share that wealth to benefit others.
W h e n s h o u l d t h o s e w i t h m o n e y s t a r t g i v i n g i t away? T h e r e ' s n o
clear formula, of course. But w h a t is clear to me is that, as with
power, t h e real p u r p o s e of having m o n e y is to s h a r e it with oth-
e r s . T o o m u c h m o n e y , like t o o m u c h p o w e r , p o s e s a d a n g e r f o r
s o c i e t y a s well a s f o r t h e i n d i v i d u a l w h o k e e p s i t f o r h i m s e l f in-
s t e a d of g i v i n g it away.
A PERSONAL CASE STUDY
Lily a n d I d i d t r u l y e x t e n s i v e v o l u n t e e r w o r k i n o u r l a t e m i d d l e
years, from roughly t h e e n d of 1984 to t h e e n d of 1995. O u r
ability t o d e v o t e s o m u c h o f o u r t i m e a n d o t h e r r e s o u r c e s c a m e
on t h e h e e l s of t h e c o m m e r c i a l s u c c e s s of The Road Less Trav-
eled. A n d i n 1 9 8 4 , t h e s e c o n d y e a r w e e a r n e d significantly m o r e
than we needed, we began looking at where we could volunteer
o u r time or contribute m o n e y to an i m p o r t a n t cause. T h e cause
t h a t c a p t u r e d o u r i n t e r e s t a b o v e all o t h e r s was p e a c e , a n d Lily
a n d I b e g a n to talk a b o u t starting a f o u n d a t i o n of s o m e sort.
F o r a few m o n t h s w e t o y e d w i t h t h e n o t i o n o f e s t a b l i s h i n g s o m e -
t h i n g t h a t w o u l d b r i n g t o g e t h e r t h e f i v e h u n d r e d o r s o differ-
e n t p e a c e o r g a n i z a t i o n s . B u t t h e m o r e w e c o n s i d e r e d it, t h e
m o r e likely i t s e e m e d t h a t w h a t e v e r w e m i g h t s e t u p w o u l d j u s t
b e c o m e t h e 501st p e a c e g r o u p .
G r a d u a l l y , w e c a m e t o r e a l i z e t h a t c o m m u n i t y m a k i n g was
m o r e f u n d a m e n t a l t h a n p e a c e — t h a t , i n fact, c o m m u n i t y m a k -
ing m u s t p r e c e d e p e a c e . So in D e c e m b e r 1984, in c o n j u n c t i o n
with n i n e o t h e r s , w e established t h e F o u n d a t i o n for C o m m u -
nity E n c o u r a g e m e n t . F C E i s a t a x - e x e m p t , n o n p r o f i t , p u b l i c -
education foundation whose mission is to teach the principles
o f c o m m u n i t y — t h a t is, t h e p r i n c i p l e s o f h e a l t h y c o m m u n i c a -
t i o n w i t h i n a n d b e t w e e n g r o u p s . T h e s t a t e m e n t o f its f o u n d i n g
vision r e a d s :
T h e r e is a y e a r n i n g in the h e a r t for peace. Because of

the w o u n d s — t h e rejections—we have received in past
r e l a t i o n s h i p s , w e a r e f r i g h t e n e d b y t h e risks. I n o u r
fear, w e d i s c o u n t t h e d r e a m o f a u t h e n t i c c o m m u n i t y
a s m e r e l y visionary. B u t t h e r e a r e r u l e s b y w h i c h p e o -
ple can c o m e back together, by which the old wounds
are healed. It is t h e mission of t h e F o u n d a t i o n for
Community Encouragement to teach these rules—to
m a k e h o p e r e a l a g a i n — t o m a k e t h e vision a c t u a l l y
manifest in a world which has almost forgotten the
glory of w h a t it m e a n s to be h u m a n .
In The Different Drum ( s u b t i t l e d Community Making and

Peace t o signify t h e p r o g r e s s i o n ) , I e x p o u n d e d o n t h e v a l u e o f
c o m m u n i t y m a k i n g as t h e crucial p r e c u r s o r to peace. C o m m u -
nity b u i l d i n g h e l p s r e m o v e b a r r i e r s t o c o m m u n i c a t i o n , s u c h a s
t h e s m u g n e s s m a n y p e o p l e s t a r t o u t w i t h b e c a u s e o f t h e i r j o b ti-
tles, i n c o m e , d e g r e e s , a n d r e l i g i o u s , c u l t u r a l , a n d r a c i a l i d e n t i -
ties. W h e n t h e s e b a r r i e r s c o m e d o w n t h r o u g h t h e l e a r n i n g o f
emptiness, we e x p e r i e n c e a t e m p o r a r y state of consciousness in
which the m i n d is utterly o p e n a n d receptive a n d t h e r e f o r e to-
tally a l e r t . I t i s t h r o u g h this p r o c e s s t h a t w e also a l l o w r o o m f o r
h e a l i n g — a n d even miracles of a sort—to occur. C o m m u n i t y
building helps cut t h r o u g h people's sophistication to get to the
heart of their innocence. It encourages people to profoundly
e x a m i n e their motives, feelings, j u d g m e n t s , a n d reactions, a n d
h e n c e i t e x p a n d s t h e c o n s c i o u s n e s s o f self a n d u l t i m a t e l y c o n -
sciousness of others.
F o r t h o s e e l e v e n y e a r s , Lily a n d I v o l u n t e e r e d r o u g h l y a
third of o u r i n c o m e a n d a third of o u r time to w o r k i n g with
FCE. We each s p e n t a b o u t twenty h o u r s a week working on be-
h a l f o f t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n . B e i n g p a r t o f F C E was v e r y m u c h like
having children. We never d r e a m e d of how m u c h work it would
b e . W e also never d r e a m e d o f h o w m u c h w e w o u l d gain a n d
l e a r n f r o m it.
As I w r o t e in In Search of Stones, w h e n we s t a r t e d F C E we
were a b u n c h of do-gooders who didn't know anything about
how to do good by r u n n i n g a nonprofit organization. H a d you
a s k e d m e b a c k t h e n w h a t s t r a t e g i c p l a n n i n g was, I m i g h t h a v e
t o l d y o u i t was p r o b a b l y s o m e t h i n g t h e y d i d o v e r a t t h e P e n t a -
gon. In particular, we h a d no idea h o w to r u n a business, which
a n o n p r o f i t o r g a n i z a t i o n , e v e r y b i t as m u c h as a p r o f i t - m a k i n g
o n e , m u s t b e i f i t i s t o b e successful. A g a i n , w e w e r e o p e r a t i n g
in the dark. I had to learn. We h a d to learn. We h a d to learn not
o n l y a b o u t s t r a t e g i c p l a n n i n g b u t all a b o u t m a r k e t i n g , c o n f e r -
ence coordinating, m a n a g e m e n t of volunteers, upsizing a n d
downsizing, fund-raising a n d d e v e l o p m e n t , c o m p u t e r systems
a n d m a i l i n g lists, m i s s i o n a n d vision s t a t e m e n t s , a c c o u n t i n g
p r o c e d u r e s , a n d s o o n . W e also h a d t o l e a r n e v e n m o r e i m p o r -
tant things, such as h o w bigger isn't necessarily better, h o w to
c o o r d i n a t e , a n d h o w t o clarify r o l e s a n d p o w e r issues.
Most of what we l e a r n e d in those d o z e n years c a m e as a re-
suit of w o r k i n g with m a n y o t h e r s in t h e m a n a g e m e n t of FCE,

a n d it has often b e e n painful learning. At o n e p o i n t or another,
w e h a v e m a d e a l m o s t every m a n a g e r i a l m i s t a k e i n t h e b o o k . I
h a v e a l r e a d y m e n t i o n e d h o w far a n d away t h e m o s t a g o n i z i n g
f i n a n c i a l d e c i s i o n w e h a v e e v e r h a d t o m a k e was n o t i n r e g a r d
t o o u r p e r s o n a l f i n a n c e s b u t i n r e g a r d t o this c h a r i t a b l e o r g a n i -
z a t i o n . F C E was h i t d e v a s t a t i n g l y h a r d b y t h e 1 9 9 0 - 9 2 r e c e s s i o n ,
a n d s u r v i v e d o n l y b e c a u s e , o v e r t h e c o u r s e o f six m o n t h s , w e r e -
d u c e d its a n n u a l b u d g e t f r o m $ 7 5 0 , 0 0 0 t o $ 2 5 0 , 0 0 0 t h r o u g h
" d o w n s i z i n g " — t h a t e u p h e m i s m f o r l a y i n g off c o m p e t e n t e m -
ployees.
As a WASP w h o grew up with certain instructions for h o w
t o c o n d u c t o n e ' s life w i t h a t l e a s t a m o d i c u m o f dignity, t h e
h a r d e s t t h i n g I h a d t o d o f o r F C E was r a i s e f u n d s . I h a d b e e n
t a u g h t n e v e r t o b e g . A f t e r t h r e e y e a r s o f d o i n g so, I e x p r e s s e d
my agony a n d frustration in a 1987 p o e m entitled "A Beggar's
Life ( C o n f e s s i o n s of a F u n d - r a i s e r ) " :
I beg
Prowling t h e streets,
Stalking for targets.
Do I ever even see
T h e faces a n y m o r e ?
O r just the clothes?
By t h e clothes I j u d g e t h e m .
T h a t o n e looks poor. He looks disheveled. She
Looks ordinary. T h a t o n e looks inconsequential.
Ah, b u t this o n e !
T h i s o n e l o o k s wealthy.
This o n e looks substantial.
This o n e looks influential.
I m o v e i n f o r t h e kill, a n d
A m b r u s h e d aside.
A m I n o t like t h e m all,
L o o k i n g f o r a b e t t e r life?
T h e p r o b l e m , you see, is that I am n o t
A g o o d beggar.
I p r o w l endlessly, y e t at n i g h t
Sink into flophouse dreams,
N o t e v e n k n o w i n g i f I will b e a b l e
To m a k e next week's rent.
I wonder:
W o u l d I n o t do better, were I to look at
T h e i r faces?
I have colleagues
I n this p r o f e s s i o n . M o s t
Tell m e I a m r i g h t t o n o t l o o k
A t t h e faces. T h e y h a v e t h e s a m e
Categories of clothes
A s I , y e t s o m e s e e m m o r e successful, a n d
I w o n d e r why?
Do they look
At t h e faces? A few say
Yes,
F r o m t h e faces y o u c a n s e e t h e g u i l t
A n d p r e y u p o n it.
I c a n n o t play
T h a t trick. I t i s n o t
T h a t I am m o r a l . It is t h a t I m i g h t
Also s e e t h e i r n e e d , a n d t h e n h o w w o u l d I k n o w
W h o is w h o ,
W h o the beggar, a n d w h e t h e r I,
With such limited resources,
A m n o t t h e o n e c a l l e d t o give?
Limited resources,
That's the p r o b l e m . C a n ' t spread yourself
T o o t h i n , t h e y say, a n d t h a t ' s t h e t r u t h .
I c a n ' t g o d o w n all t h e s t r e e t s
A t all h o u r s a n d , certainly,
I can't look into

All t h e faces.
B u t I d o n ' t d o well.
S o m e days, I a l s o w o n d e r
I f I w o u l d n o t d o b e t t e r j u s t s t a n d i n g still.
I have a friend, a blind m a n ,
W h o d o e s r e a l well.
H e j u s t sits t h e r e ,
Not having to move,
W i t h h i s s c a r r e d eyes all r o l l e d u p ,
A n d t h e y give a n d give.
B u t t h e y w o u l d n ' t give t o m e ,
W o u l d they,
J u s t for b e i n g there?
A n d I d o n ' t have the courage

T o g o u g e o u t m y eyes
Even t h o u g h I w o u l d n ' t have to worry
A b o u t m a k i n g all t h o s e c h o i c e s
A n d l o o k i n g a t t h e faces
Anymore.
So I k e e p m o v i n g along,
Trying to look at just the clothes,
H u s t l i n g as b e s t I c a n ,
B u t I d o n ' t d o well.
It's a b e g g a r ' s life.
T h a t was t h e d o w n s i d e . I c o u l d n ' t h a v e d o n e i t w i t h o u t t h e
u p s i d e . F o r o n e t h i n g , I k n e w t h a t b e g g i n g was h o n o r e d i n
m a n y r e l i g i o n s a n d t h a t t h e h u m i l i a t i o n o f i t all c o u l d b e
l o o k e d u p o n as a s p i r i t u a l d i s c i p l i n e . C e r t a i n l y I b e l i e v e it was
f o r t u n a t e f o r m e t h a t a t t h e v e r y t i m e I c o u l d b e g i n t o sit b a c k
a n d rely u p o n m y p o r t f o l i o o f s t o c k s a n d b o n d s , G o d h a p p e n e d
t o p u t m e i n a p o s i t i o n w h e r e I h a d t o rely o n t h e p r o v i d e n c e o f
o t h e r s . A n d t h e n t h e r e was t h e m a t t e r o f m a k i n g n e w a n d g o o d
f r i e n d s . I t i s h a r d n o t t o love s o m e o n e w h o gives y o u m o n e y f o r
a c a u s e y o u b e l i e v e t o b e w o r t h y . A n d strangely, l a r g e d o n a t i o n s
often s e e m e d t o c o m e w h e n w e m o s t n e e d e d b u t least e x p e c t e d
t h e m , as if they were manifestations of grace.
I t c a n b e e i t h e r v e r y easy o r very difficult t o give away
money. Julius Rosenwald, the entrepreneurial genius b e h i n d
Sears, R o e b u c k a n d f o u n d e r of t h e Julius Rosenwald F u n d ,
o n c e d e c l a r e d : "It i s a l m o s t always e a s i e r t o m a k e a m i l l i o n d o l -
lars h o n e s t l y t h a n t o d i s p o s e o f i t wisely." A n u m b e r o f F C E ' s
s m a l l d o n o r s a n d a few o f its l a r g e o n e s s i m p l y said, " H e r e ' s m y
c h e c k . I t s e e m s a s i f y o u ' r e d o i n g g o o d w o r k a n d w e ' d like t o
h e l p y o u o u t , b u t t h a t ' s a s far a s w e w a n t t o g e t i n v o l v e d . " W e
w e r e very grateful t o t h e m . B u t o t h e r s w h o d o n a t e d large s u m s
o f m o n e y s o m e t i m e s felt i t was i n c u m b e n t u p o n t h e m t o s e e
t h a t i t was m a n a g e d well. T h a t m e a n t a f u r t h e r i n v e s t m e n t o f
t h e i r t i m e , a n d s o m a d e i t m o r e difficult t o give away m o n e y
t h a n t o m a k e it. E v e n so, i t m a y a l s o h a v e b e e n m o r e e m o t i o n -
ally r e w a r d i n g — a s i t was f o r Lily a n d m e .
M a n y have given FCE h u n d r e d s of t h o u s a n d s of dollars,
b u t j u s t a s i m p o r t a n t , m a n y h a v e also g i v e n i t t h e i r t i m e . C u r -
r e n t l y F C E h a s o n l y f o u r full-time e m p l o y e e s . Yet its i n f l u e n c e i s
greater t h a n ever because a h u n d r e d p e o p l e have v o l u n t e e r e d
the time. Volunteering is h a r d work. Because they are n o t paid,
many w h o volunteer assume that they can just show up when-
ever they want to, b u t true volunteerism d e m a n d s m u c h m o r e .
Those who d e p e n d on volunteers to help their organizations
succeed often find that the central p r o b l e m is getting a com-
m i t m e n t from t h e m . Over the years, o u r organization has b e e n
b l e s s e d w i t h a n a r m y o f fully c o m m i t t e d v o l u n t e e r s .
In hindsight, it seems to me t h a t FCE has survived a n d is
currently flourishing thanks to the h a r d work of these commit-
t e d v o l u n t e e r s a n d b e c a u s e o f its i n t e g r i t y a s a n o r g a n i z a t i o n .
W h i l e w e m a d e e v e r y p o s s i b l e m i s t a k e , w e d i d s o w i t h integrity,
a n d s o m e h o w t h a t s e e m e d t o save t h e m i s t a k e s f r o m b e i n g t o t a l
d i s a s t e r s . T o a c t w i t h i n t e g r i t y also m e a n t t h a t w e h a d t o i n t e -
grate g o o d business principles with o u r principles of c o m m u -
nity. T h a t was n o t c h e a p l y a c h i e v e d . I t r e q u i r e d t h a t w e l e a r n
still m o r e a b o u t m a n a g e m e n t a n d t h e n a t u r e o f o r g a n i z a t i o n a l
culture a n d consensual decision m a k i n g — a n d learn m o r e
d e e p l y a b o u t c o m m u n i t y itself. O n e o f o u r i n f o r m a l m o t t o s b e -
c a m e "FCE goes deeper." So we v e n t u r e d ever f u r t h e r i n t o t h e
d e p t h s o f w h a t c o m m u n i t y i s all a b o u t w i t h i n t h e f r a m e w o r k o f
o u r own o r g a n i z a t i o n , discovering for ourselves b o t h t h e p r o -
f o u n d limitations a n d equally p r o f o u n d virtues of c o m m u n i t y
in the workplace.
I t was g o o d t h a t w e d i d s o . W h e n w e s t a r t e d F C E , t h e m a r -
k e t f o r c o m m u n i t y b u i l d i n g was t h a t p a r t o f t h e g e n e r a l p u b l i c
interested in a temporary, individual e x p e r i e n c e of personal
growth. Gradually, however, as m o r e p e o p l e h a d t h e e x p e r i e n c e
of community, the primary market became organizations that
s o u g h t g r e a t e r effectiveness a n d creativity. W e w e r e a b l e t o
m e e t this g r o w i n g d e m a n d w i t h i n t e g r i t y o n l y b e c a u s e w e k n e w
something about the complexities of integrating community
p r i n c i p l e s w i t h b u s i n e s s o p e r a t i o n s — a n d t h a t was l a r g e l y a r e -
sult o f h a v i n g p r a c t i c e d o n o u r s e l v e s .
M o r e t h a n a n y t h i n g else, w h a t I've l e a r n e d t h r o u g h F C E i s
a vastly i n c r e a s e d a w a r e n e s s o f h o w d i f f e r e n t p e o p l e a r e — a n d
h o w we n e e d t h o s e d i f f e r e n c e s . In A World Waiting to Be Born, I
w r o t e t h a t y e a r s b e f o r e F C E o n e o f m y f i r s t t e a c h e r s i n this
r e a l m was a d e c a d e y o u n g e r t h a n I . P e t e r was a y o u n g e n l i s t e d
m a n , a "psych tech" w h o served u n d e r me in Okinawa. W h e n I
arrived at my new assignment, I found there were n o t nearly
e n o u g h t r a i n e d psychotherapists to m e e t t h e d e m a n d ; yet a
d o z e n o f t h e s e twenty-year-old t e c h s w e r e s i t t i n g a r o u n d w i t h
little o r n o t h i n g t o d o . S o I t o l d t h e m t o s t a r t d o i n g psy-
c h o t h e r a p y a n d I would provide t h e m with on-the-job training.
I t was q u i c k l y a p p a r e n t t h a t h a l f w e r e n o t u p t o t h e j o b , a n d I
s e t t h e m t o o t h e r tasks. B u t six h a d a n a t u r a l t a l e n t f o r t h e r o l e .
O n e was P e t e r . F o r two y e a r s h e s e r v e d w i t h d i s t i n c t i o n a s a
t h e r a p i s t . T h e n h i s e n l i s t m e n t was u p a n d i t was t i m e f o r h i m t o
r e t u r n h o m e to t h e U n i t e d States. As we were saying good-bye,
I a s k e d h i m a b o u t h i s p l a n s a n d was a g h a s t w h e n h e t o l d m e h e
i n t e n d e d to start a milk distribution business. "But y o u ' r e a fine

psychotherapist," I exclaimed. "I c o u l d h e l p you get into a g o o d
m a s t e r ' s p r o g r a m . T h e G.I. Bill w o u l d p a y f o r it."
" N o , t h a n k s , m y p l a n s a r e set," P e t e r f i r m l y r e p l i e d . B u t I
p e r s i s t e d , o u t l i n i n g all t h e a d v a n t a g e s of a c a r e e r as a p r a c t i c i n g
p s y c h o t h e r a p i s t . Finally, w i t h a n u n d e r s t a n d a b l e e d g e t o h i s
v o i c e , P e t e r s i l e n c e d m e b y saying, " L o o k , Scotty, c a n ' t y o u g e t
i t i n t o y o u r h e a d t h a t n o t e v e r y o n e i s like y o u , t h a t n o t e v e r y o n e
w i t h t h e o p p o r t u n i t y wants to be a p s y c h o t h e r a p i s t ? "
A s well a s i l l u s t r a t i n g m y o w n n a r c i s s i s m , t h e s t o r y d e m o n -
s t r a t e s t h a t p e o p l e w h o h a v e a t a l e n t for s o m e t h i n g d o n ' t t h e r e -
f o r e n e c e s s a r i l y h a v e a v o c a t i o n f o r it. S e c u l a r v o c a t i o n a l
c o u n s e l o r s k n o w t h e best o c c u p a t i o n s for p e o p l e a r e t h o s e i n
which their aptitude a n d interest coincide. But G o d is generous
t o m a n y a n d b e s t o w s o n t h e m m u l t i p l e g i f t s — i n t e r e s t s a s well a s
t a l e n t s . T h e p a t t e r n o f s u c h gifts, h o w e v e r , i s always u n i q u e t o
t h e i n d i v i d u a l . E a c h o f u s i s c r e a t e d differently. I h a v e gifts t h a t
y o u d o n o t h a v e . Y o u h a v e gifts t h a t I d o n o t h a v e . A n d this i s
why we n e e d each other.
O u r c o m m o n narcissistic f a i l u r e t o a p p r e c i a t e t h e s e p a r a t e -
n e s s , t h e d i f f e r e n t n e s s , o f o t h e r s b e d e v i l s b u s i n e s s life e v e r y b i t
a s m u c h a s i t d o e s o u r family a n d p e r s o n a l lives. L e t m e give y o u
a n e x a m p l e o f t h e s a m e sick d y n a m i c — t h e f a i l u r e t o a p p r e c i a t e
diversity a m o n g u s — a t w o r k i n a n e v e n l a r g e r s e t t i n g , c r e a t i n g
a hateful a n d destructive schism within an e n t i r e profession. I
was t e n t a t i v e l y a s k e d s o m e t i m e a g o t o c o n s u l t a b o u t a c o n f l i c t
b e t w e e n t h e two g o v e r n i n g b o d i e s o f o n e o f A m e r i c a ' s m e d i c a l
specialties. T h e "American College" primarily r e p r e s e n t e d t h e
practitioners in t h e field, while the "American Academy" pri-
m a r i l y r e p r e s e n t e d its r e s e a r c h e r s . T h e m e m b e r s o f b o t h
groups were highly intelligent, extremely well-educated, a n d
s u p p o s e d l y civilized p h y s i c i a n s . Yet f o r o v e r a d e c a d e t h e rela-
t i o n s h i p b e t w e e n t h e s e "sister" o r g a n i z a t i o n s h a d g r a d u a l l y
b e e n d e g e n e r a t i n g i n t o e x t r e m e incivility.
I q u i c k l y l e a r n e d t h a t t h e p r a c t i c e o f t h i s specialty, o n t h e
f r o n t i e r s o f m e d i c i n e , was m u c h m o r e a n a r t t h a n a s c i e n c e .
T h o s e who b e l o n g e d to the College were treating patients on
t h e f r o n t l i n e s a n d h a d t o o p e r a t e m o s t l y b y g u e s s w o r k a n d in-
t u i t i o n . I t was n o a c c i d e n t , t h e r e f o r e , t h a t t h e y w e r e m e n a n d
w o m e n n o t only a c c u s t o m e d t o ambiguity b u t actually excited
b y it. O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , like all scientific r e s e a r c h , m e d i c a l r e -
s e a r c h r e q u i r e s e x t r e m e p r e c i s i o n a n d clarity. B y v i r t u e o f t h e
g r o u n d - b r e a k i n g n a t u r e o f t h e specialty, i t r e q u i r e d e x a c t n e s s
even m o r e stringently t h a n o t h e r fields. Consequently, the
members of the Academy were women and m e n who hated
vagueness a n d regarded ambiguity as their enemy.
A f t e r j u s t two p h o n e calls, I was a b l e t o a s c e r t a i n t h a t t h e
m a j o r s o u r c e o f c o n f l i c t b e t w e e n t h e t w o o r g a n i z a t i o n s was t h e
difference in the personalities of their m e m b e r s . This e x t e n d e d
e v e n t o t h e i r c o m m u n i c a t i o n styles, w h i c h , b e y o n d a n y m a t t e r
of substance, seemed almost designed to antagonize each
other. Failing even to acknowledge their different p r e d o m i n a n t
p e r s o n a l i t y t y p e s — m u c h less a p p r e c i a t e t h e n e e d f o r t h e m —
e a c h b o d y h a d c o m e t o a s s u m e t h a t t h e o t h e r ' s hostility was m a -
licious i n i n t e n t . Unfortunately, b o t h m a d e t h e decision n o t t o
p u r s u e reconciliation. O n c e h o o k e d o n conflict, m a n y organi-
z a t i o n s , like i n d i v i d u a l s , w o u l d r a t h e r f i g h t t h a n switch.
H a d these s e p a r a t e organizational b o d i e s b e e n willing t o
p r o c e e d with t h e consultation, they w o u l d have discovered t h a t
we n o w possess a distinct e d u c a t i o n a l "technology" to heal such
u n n e c e s s a r y o r g a n i z a t i o n a l c o n f l i c t s . T h i s , w h i c h w e call c o m -
m u n i t y - b u i l d i n g technology, is a system of g r o u p l e a r n i n g tech-
n i q u e s that cut t h r o u g h p e o p l e ' s everyday narcissism, allowing
t h e m n o t o n l y t o s e e o n e a n o t h e r ' s d i f f e r e n c e s b u t a l s o t o ac-
c e p t t h e m . I t i s n o t p a i n l e s s l e a r n i n g , b u t i t i s effective.
T h r o u g h i t p e o p l e actually e x p e r i e n c e their m u t u a l i n t e r d e -
p e n d e n c e o n o n e a n o t h e r ' s gifts. T h e y l e a r n i n t h e i r h e a r t s
w h a t t h e A p o s t l e P a u l m e a n t b y "mystical b o d y " w h e n h e said:
N o w t h e r e a r e diversities of gifts, b u t t h e s a m e S p i r i t . . . .
F o r to o n e is given by t h e Spirit t h e w o r d of wisdom; to
a n o t h e r t h e w o r d o f k n o w l e d g e b y t h e s a m e Spirit; t o
a n o t h e r f a i t h b y t h e s a m e Spirit; t o a n o t h e r t h e gifts o f
h e a l i n g b y t h e s a m e Spirit; t o a n o t h e r t h e w o r k i n g o f
miracles; to a n o t h e r prophecy; to a n o t h e r discerning

o f spirits; t o a n o t h e r divers k i n d s o f t o n g u e s ; t o a n -
other the interpretation of tongues. . . . As the body is
o n e , a n d h a t h m a n y m e m b e r s , a n d all t h e m e m b e r s o f
t h a t o n e body, b e i n g many, a r e o n e b o d y . . . t h e b o d y
is n o t o n e member, but many.
I f t h e f o o t shall s a y B e c a u s e I a m n o t t h e h a n d , I
am n o t of the body; is it therefore n o t of the body?
A n d i f t h e e a r shall say, B e c a u s e I a m n o t t h e eye, I a m
n o t of t h e body; is it therefore n o t of the body? If the
w h o l e b o d y w e r e a n eye, w h e r e w e r e t h e h e a r i n g ? I f
the whole were hearing, w h e r e were the smelling? But
n o w h a t h G o d s e t t h e m e m b e r s o f every o n e o f t h e m
i n t h e b o d y , a s i t h a t h p l e a s e d h i m . A n d i f t h e y w e r e all
o n e m e m b e r , w h e r e w e r e t h e b o d y ? . . . A n d t h e eye
c a n n o t say u n t o t h e h a n d , I h a v e n o n e e d o f t h e e : n o r
a g a i n t h e h e a d to t h e feet, I h a v e no n e e d of y o u . . . .
But God hath t e m p e r e d the body together, having
given m o r e a b u n d a n t h o n o r t o t h a t p a r t which lacked:
T h a t there should be no schism in the body; b u t that
the m e m b e r s s h o u l d have the s a m e care o n e for an-
o t h e r . A n d w h e t h e r o n e m e m b e r suffer, all t h e m e m -
b e r s suffer w i t h it; o r o n e m e m b e r b e h o n o r e d , all t h e
m e m b e r s r e j o i c e w i t h it.
Is it an accident, do you suppose, that we h u m a n s are cre-

a t e d i n s u c h variety a n d c a l l e d i n s o m a n y d i v e r g e n t ways? H o w
else c o u l d t h e r e b e a society? W e , t h e c o l l e c t i v e r a c e , t h e b o d y
of humanity, n e e d o u r practicing physicians a n d researchers,
o u r e x e c u t i v e a n d legislative b r a n c h e s , o u r m a r k e t e r s a n d sales-
p e o p l e , o u r farmers a n d steelworkers, priests a n d p l u m b e r s , au-
thors a n d publishers, athletes a n d entertainers, prophets a n d
b u r e a u c r a t s . Yes, o c c a s i o n a l l y t h e t h r e a d s m a y b e c o m e a b i t u n -
raveled, b u t w h a t a wonderfully variegated fabric we are!
T h a t is t h e lesson we l e a r n e d t h r o u g h o u r work at FCE. But
f o r all t h a t Lily a n d I h a v e g i v e n , w e h a v e r e c e i v e d e v e n m o r e i n
return. We have gained friends a m o n g a global c o m m u n i t y a n d
amassed a great deal of new knowledge a b o u t ourselves a n d

others. Without FCE—as without our children—I would be a
very stupid m a n .
N o w t h a t Lily a n d I a r e e n t e r i n g o l d a g e , w e h a v e l a r g e l y r e -
t i r e d f r o m F C E a n d o t h e r activities t h a t w e r e o n c e p a r t o f o u r
routine. But the learning continues—including that of learning
h o w t o r e t i r e gracefully. Actually, f r o m t h e s t a r t o u r i n t e n t was
to work toward h e l p i n g FCE b e c o m e i n d e p e n d e n t of us. We
were keenly aware of a n d c o n c e r n e d about what tends to hap-
p e n w h e n individuals b u i l d o r g a n i z a t i o n s a n d later leave t h e m .
T h e r e a r e c o u n t l e s s e x a m p l e s o f successful " e v a n g e l i s t s " w h o
started organizations only to have a stroke or c o m m i t an indis-
c r e t i o n , w i t h t h e r e s u l t t h a t t h e i r c h u r c h e s o r t h e m e p a r k s col-
l a p s e d . O u r g o a l was t o a v o i d t h a t a t F C E . S o w e h a v e h a n d e d
o v e r t h e r e i n s , e n c o u r a g i n g o t h e r s t o b e i n d e p e n d e n t o f u s , giv-
i n g u p o u r p o w e r t o e m p o w e r o t h e r s w h o a r e i n d e e d q u i t e ca-
pable of carrying on FCE's mission.
My father didn't retire until forced to do so by advanced
a g e — h e was i n h i s e i g h t i e s — s o i t h a s s e e m e d s t r a n g e t o b r e a k
from the tradition of my upbringing that o n e must die in the
s a d d l e . B u t I've l e a r n e d t h a t t h e r e i s n o t h i n g w r o n g w i t h d o i n g
t h i n g s differently. I n fact, a f o u n d i n g F C E b o a r d m e m b e r , J a n -
i c e B a r f i e l d , was a m a j o r r o l e m o d e l f o r m e i n t h i s way. S h e s a i d
G o d was t e l l i n g h e r t o r e t i r e , a n d s h e d i d s o w i t h g r a c e after
serving e i g h t years. T h r o u g h h e r l e a d e r s h i p s h e gave m e per-
m i s s i o n t o follow h e r f o o t s t e p s a f t e r e l e v e n . T h e d e c i s i o n t o r e -
t i r e i s a p e r s o n a l c h o i c e a n d w e e a c h m u s t follow o u r o w n p a t h .
I believe that I have b e e n given t h e g r e e n light from G o d
to refrain from taking on any major responsibility b e y o n d my
o n g o i n g w r i t i n g p r o j e c t s . S i n c e I've b e e n a r e s p o n s i b i l i t y - a h o l i c
all m y life, t h i s was n o t a s i m p l e s t e p t o t a k e . I h a d t o l e a r n t o say
no a n d e n c o u r a g e others to assume the responsibilities that I
n o l o n g e r felt a b l e t o a c c e p t . Play h a s t a k e n o n a far m o r e i m -
p o r t a n t r o l e i n m y life. B u t i t feels r i g h t t o m e — a n d e v e n s e e m s
all r i g h t w i t h G o d — t h a t I s h o u l d a c t u a l l y e n j o y r e t i r e m e n t .
In a life t o g e t h e r full of b l e s s i n g s , Lily a n d I feel t h e a d -
v e n t u r e of r e t i r e m e n t is a n o t h e r blessing. We have n o t s t o p p e d
l e a r n i n g . I still c o n t i n u e t o w r i t e ; family a n d f r i e n d s r e m a i n
c e n t r a l i n o u r lives; a n d w e i n t e n d t o m a k e c o n t r i b u t i o n s t o
t h o s e social c a u s e s t h a t h a v e always b e e n i m p o r t a n t t o u s . W e
n o w p l a y golf a g o o d d e a l o f t h e t i m e a n d e n j o y i t n o t o n l y f o r
r e l a x a t i o n b u t also a s a n e w a n d s t r a n g e l e a r n i n g e x p e r i e n c e .
We are traveling a b r o a d ever m o r e f r e q u e n t l y — a n o t h e r learn-
ing experience.
N o t l o n g a g o I said t o Lily, " T h e s e really a r e o u r g o l d e n
years."
"Hell," she r e t o r t e d , "they're o u r p l a t i n u m years!"
P A R T I I I
The Other Side

of Complexity
CHAPTER 7
The "Science" of God
IN THE END, ALL THINGS POINT to G o d . . . .

I said earlier t h a t t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n of this b o o k evolved
from a single s e n t e n c e , a q u o t e a t t r i b u t e d to Justice Oliver Wen-
d e l l H o l m e s , Jr.: " I d o n ' t give a f i g f o r t h e s i m p l i c i t y t h i s s i d e o f
complexity, b u t I w o u l d die for t h e simplicity on t h e o t h e r side."
To j o u r n e y to t h e o t h e r side of complexity, we are chal-
l e n g e d t o m a k e a r a d i c a l shift i n t h o u g h t . W e a r e i n v i t e d t o
m o v e way b e y o n d a n y s i m p l i s t i c u n d e r s t a n d i n g i n o r d e r t o c o n -
s i d e r w h a t strict scientists m i g h t call t h e G o d T h e o r y . W a l k i n g
this o t h e r s i d e i s t o e m b a r k o n a p a t h i n t o t h e invisible r e a l m .
We c a n n o t discover t h e radical truths of G o d t h r o u g h a rigid
s t a n c e o f static c e r t a i n t y . A c a u t i o u s yet c o m m a n d i n g s e n s e o f
"knowing with humility" is required.
L i k e life, t h e o t h e r s i d e o f c o m p l e x i t y i s n o t always l i n e a r ,
n o r static. I t is, m u c h like life, u l t i m a t e l y a p r o c e s s . T h i s p r o c e s s
involves m y s t e r y a t its c o r e , b u t i t also e n c o m p a s s e s a j o u r n e y o f
c h a n g e , of healing, a n d of t h e acquisition of wisdom. On this
j o u r n e y into t h e o t h e r side we may e x p e r i e n c e a sense of epiph-
a n y — t h o s e flashes o f insight w h e r e m a n y things that s e e m e d
quite c o m p l e x b e g i n to m a k e m o r e sense w h e n viewed from a
s p i r i t u a l p e r s p e c t i v e . T o d o so, w e c a n n o l o n g e r simplistically
i n t e r p r e t life t h r o u g h t h e l i m i t e d l e n s o f m a t e r i a l i s m .
L i k e all t r a n s i t i o n s i n life, t h e t r a n s i t i o n s w e m a k e t o w a r d
u n d e r s t a n d i n g t h e o t h e r s i d e o f c o m p l e x i t y a r e likely t o b e dif-
f i c u l t , e v e n c h a o t i c . W e will e n c o u n t e r p a r a d o x , a n d i n l e a r n i n g
t o u n d e r s t a n d p a r a d o x , w e will e x p e r i e n c e p s y c h i c p a i n . I n p a r -
ticular, i t i s t h e p a i n o f loss o f o l d i d e a s a n d t h e s e n s e o f cer-
t a i n t y t h e y p r o v i d e d . J u s t w h e n w e g e t c o m f o r t a b l e w i t h all t h a t
w e t h i n k w e k n o w , s o m e t h i n g will c o m e a l o n g t o r a t t l e u s o u t o f
complacency. T h u s , it is imperative that we be o p e n - m i n d e d
a n d c o u r a g e o u s o n t h i s j o u r n e y . W e m u s t g a t h e r all o u r r e -
sources—emotional, intellectual, a n d spiritual—to e n d u r e the
s e n s e o f loss i n v o l v e d i n l e t t i n g g o o f t h e b a r r i e r s t o o u r ability
t o t h i n k p a r a d o x i c a l l y , t o t h i n k w i t h integrity.
O n e p a r a d o x i s t h a t t h e simplicity o n t h e o t h e r side d o e s
n o t always l o o k s i m p l e . G o d , f o r i n s t a n c e , o f t e n s e e m s like a n
e x t r a o r d i n a r i l y c o m p l e x b e i n g . As a C h r i s t i a n , I h a v e f r e q u e n t l y
f o u n d i t useful t o d i v i d e G o d i n t o t h e t r a d i t i o n a l t h r e e p a r t s :
F a t h e r , S o n , a n d H o l y Spirit. A t t h e v e r y s a m e t i m e I e m b r a c e
p a r a d o x a n d know in the deepest sense that G o d is O n e . But
w h e n I say t h a t i n t h e e n d , all t h i n g s p o i n t t o G o d , w h a t t h i n g s
d o I m e a n — a n d w h a t p r o o f c a n b e o f f e r e d , i f any? L e t ' s e x -
p l o r e " t h e G o d T h e o r y " a n d t h e s c i e n t i f i c — t h o u g h m o s t l y in-
d i r e c t — e v i d e n c e t h a t s e e m s t o p o i n t n o w h e r e else b u t t o G o d .
SCIENCE AND G O D
W h e r e does science fit into the scheme of things s u r r o u n d i n g

G o d ? Scientific g e n i u s e s , i n c l u d i n g C a r l J u n g a n d A l b e r t E i n -
s t e i n , h a v e b e e n a m o n g t h o s e w h o left t h e w o r l d a l e g a c y
t h r o u g h t h e i r works, w h i c h a d v a n c e d t h e search for m e a n i n g i n
life a n d u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e u n i v e r s e . A n d b o t h m a d e p e r -
s o n a l p r o c l a m a t i o n s t h a t t h e i r scientific i n q u i r i e s h a d l e d t h e m
to c o n c l u d e that G o d is i n d e e d real. But despite the assured ob-
s e r v a t i o n s o f divinity f r o m s o m e o f s c i e n c e ' s b r i g h t e s t m i n d s , w e
still c a n ' t c i t e a n y specific scientific p r o o f t o s u p p o r t t h e exis-
tence of God.
A n y p r o c l a m a t i o n a b o u t t h e e x i s t e n c e o f G o d elicits a t
least a b i t o f s k e p t i c i s m — a n d p r o p e r l y s o — p r e c i s e l y b e c a u s e i t
c a n ' t b e p r o v e n b y t r a d i t i o n a l scientific m e a s u r e s . I n fact, i n t h i s
A g e o f R e a s o n , s c i e n c e itself h a s b e c o m e a s o r t o f g o d . T h e
p r o b l e m , however, is that G o d c a n n o t be m e a s u r e d or cap-
t u r e d . To m e a s u r e s o m e t h i n g is to e x p e r i e n c e it in a certain di-
mension, a dimension in which we can m a k e observations of
great accuracy. T h e use of m e a s u r e m e n t has e n a b l e d science to
m a k e e n o r m o u s strides in u n d e r s t a n d i n g the material universe.
B u t b y v i r t u e o f its s u c c e s s , m e a s u r e m e n t h a s b e c o m e a k i n d o f
scientific i d o l . T h e r e s u l t i s a n a t t i t u d e o n t h e p a r t o f m a n y sci-
e n t i s t s o f n o t m e r e s k e p t i c i s m b u t o u t r i g h t r e j e c t i o n o f any-
t h i n g t h a t c a n n o t b e m e a s u r e d . I t i s a s i f t h e y w e r e t o say, " W h a t
w e c a n n o t m e a s u r e , w e c a n n o t know; t h e r e i s n o p o i n t i n wor-
rying a b o u t what we c a n n o t know; therefore, what c a n n o t be
measured is u n i m p o r t a n t a n d unworthy of o u r observation."
B e c a u s e o f t h i s a t t i t u d e m a n y scientists e x c l u d e f r o m t h e i r seri-
o u s c o n s i d e r a t i o n all m a t t e r s t h a t a r e — o r s e e m t o b e — i n t a n g i -
ble. Including, of course, the matter of God.
But if we cannot capture or measure God, neither can we
fully m e a s u r e a n d " c a p t u r e " l i g h t , gravity, o r s u b a t o m i c p a r t i -
cles, d e s p i t e t h e i r o b v i o u s e x i s t e n c e . I n d e e d , i n e x p l o r i n g s u c h
p h e n o m e n a a s t h e n a t u r e o f l i g h t , gravity, e l e c t r o m a g n e t i s m ,
a n d q u a n t u m m e c h a n i c s , physical science has m a t u r e d over t h e
past century to the point w h e r e it has increasingly recognized
t h a t at a c e r t a i n level reality is u t t e r l y p a r a d o x i c a l . As I q u o t e d
J. R o b e r t O p p e n h e i m e r in The Road Less Traveled:
T o w h a t a p p e a r t o b e t h e s i m p l e s t q u e s t i o n s , w e will
t e n d t o give e i t h e r n o a n s w e r o r a n a n s w e r w h i c h will
at first sight be r e m i n i s c e n t m o r e of a strange cate-
c h i s m t h a n o f t h e s t r a i g h t f o r w a r d affirmatives o f p h y s -
ical s c i e n c e . I f w e ask, for i n s t a n c e , w h e t h e r t h e p o s i t i o n
o f t h e e l e c t r o n r e m a i n s t h e s a m e , w e m u s t say " n o " ; i f
w e ask w h e t h e r t h e e l e c t r o n ' s p o s i t i o n c h a n g e s w i t h
t i m e , w e m u s t say " n o " ; i f w e ask w h e t h e r t h e e l e c t r o n
is at r e s t , we m u s t say " n o " ; if we ask w h e t h e r it is in
m o t i o n , w e m u s t say " n o . " T h e B u d d h a h a s g i v e n s u c h
answers w h e n interrogated as to the conditions of
m a n ' s self a f t e r h i s d e a t h ; b u t t h e y a r e n o t t h e f a m i l i a r
answers for t h e t r a d i t i o n of s e v e n t e e n t h a n d eigh-
t e e n t h century science.
But t h e r e are e n o u g h hints a b o u t h u m a n spiritual behav-

ior to constitute a science of sorts, a n d a wealth of h a p p e n i n g s
that cannot be explained without resorting to "the G o d The-
ory." I n fact, m a n y t h i n g s i n s c i e n c e t h a t w e t h i n k o f a s g r e a t
t r u t h s a r e m a i n l y t h e o r i e s i n t h e m i n d s o f m o s t scientists. T h e
"Big B a n g t h e o r y " o f t h e o r i g i n o f t h e u n i v e r s e , f o r i n s t a n c e , i s
j u s t t h a t : a t h e o r y . S o all t h i n g s p o i n t t o G o d o n l y t o s o m e p e o -
p l e . A n d g i v e n t h e fact t h a t G o d c a n n o t b e m e a s u r e d , m a n y
simply d o n o t believe i n H e r existence. Materialists a n d t h o s e
w h o a r e h i g h l y s e c u l a r r e q u i r e p r o o f i n t h e f o r m o f visible evi-
d e n c e . Basically, m a t e r i a l i s t s live by a c e n t r a l b e l i e f t h a t reality is
only that which t h e five senses can detect. In o t h e r words, their
m o t t o i s likely t o b e " W h a t y o u s e e i s w h a t y o u g e t . "
Secularism is a m o r e c o m p l e x p h e n o m e n o n . Perhaps it
c a n m o s t s i m p l y b e d e f i n e d b y c o m p a r i n g i t w i t h its o p p o s i t e .
T h i s i s w h a t t h e t h e o l o g i a n M i c h a e l N o v a k d i d s o clearly w h e n
he distinguished between what he called t h e sacred conscious-
ness a n d t h e secular consciousness. T h e individual with a secu-
lar consciousness essentially thinks t h a t he is t h e c e n t e r of t h e
universe. Such people t e n d to be quite intelligent. They know
full well t h a t t h e y a r e b u t o n e o f six b i l l i o n h u m a n b e i n g s
scratching out an existence on the surface of a medium-sized
p l a n e t t h a t is a s m a l l f r a g m e n t of a tiny s o l a r s y s t e m w i t h i n a
galaxy a m o n g countless galaxies, a n d that e a c h of those o t h e r
h u m a n b e i n g s also thinks t h a t he is t h e c e n t e r of t h e universe.
Consequently, intelligent t h o u g h they may be, p e o p l e with a
s e c u l a r c o n s c i o u s n e s s a r e p r o n e t o feel a b i t lost w i t h i n this
h u g e n e s s a n d , d e s p i t e t h e i r "centrality," t o o f t e n e x p e r i e n c e a
sense of meaninglessness a n d insignificance.
T h e p e r s o n with a sacred consciousness, on t h e o t h e r
h a n d , does n o t think of himself as the center of the universe.
F o r h i m t h e c e n t e r r e s i d e s e l s e w h e r e , specifically i n G o d — i n
t h e S a c r e d . Yet d e s p i t e this l a c k o f centrality, h e i s a c t u a l l y less
likely t o feel h i m s e l f i n s i g n i f i c a n t o r m e a n i n g l e s s t h a n t h e sec-

u l a r i s t is, b e c a u s e h e sees h i m s e l f e x i s t i n g i n r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h
t h a t S a c r e d O t h e r , a n d it is from this r e l a t i o n s h i p t h a t he de-
rives h i s m e a n i n g a n d s i g n i f i c a n c e .
S o m e t i m e s p e o p l e fall i n b e t w e e n , w i t h o n e f o o t p l a n t e d i n
sacred consciousness a n d the other in secular consciousness.
M o r e o v e r , t h e r e a r e d i f f e r e n t t y p e s o f s e c u l a r i s m a n d religiosity.
So part of the "science" of G o d is n o t only to consider that
which is u n e x p l a i n a b l e to materialists, b u t also to c o m e to
t e r m s w i t h t h e fact t h a t p e o p l e a r e d i f f e r e n t i n t h e i r r e l a t i o n -
s h i p t o G o d . T o d o s o it's n e c e s s a r y t o briefly e x p l a i n t h e differ-
e n c e b e t w e e n spirituality a n d religion.
SPIRITUALITY AND RELIGION
W h e n I was still l e c t u r i n g , I c o m m o n l y f o u n d m y a u d i e n c e s
confused over these terms. For that reason, I have gradually
c o m e t o r e s t r i c t m y d e f i n i t i o n o f r e l i g i o n t o t h a t w h i c h involves
a n o r g a n i z e d b o d y o f beliefs w i t h a specific c r e e d a n d m e m b e r -
s h i p b o u n d a r i e s . S p i r i t u a l i t y i s m u c h b r o a d e r , a n d f o r m y defi-
n i t i o n o f spirituality, I r e f e r t o t h e w o r d s t h a t W i l l i a m J a m e s
u s e d to d e f i n e r e l i g i o n . In h i s classic w o r k The Varieties of Reli-
gious Experience, J a m e s d e s c r i b e d i t a s " t h e a t t e m p t t o b e i n h a r -
m o n y with an u n s e e n o r d e r of things." For m e , that covers
e v e r y o n e ' s s p i r i t u a l i t y or l a c k t h e r e o f . As a s e l f - d e s i g n a t e d
C h r i s t i a n , h o w e v e r , I p e r s o n a l l y n o t o n l y b e l i e v e t h a t t h e r e is a
" H i g h e r P o w e r " b e h i n d t h e visible o r d e r o f t h i n g s , b u t also t h a t
I t i s n o t n e u t r a l — t h a t I t actively w a n t s u s t o b e i n h a r m o n y w i t h
It.
Obviously, m a n y p e o p l e a r e religious b u t n o t spiritual, a n d
vice v e r s a . O n e o f t h e m o s t s e c u l a r p e r s o n s I've e v e r m e t was a
C a t h o l i c n u n w i t h w h o m I w o r k e d f o r a year. S h e h a d b e e n i n a
c o n v e n t f o r twenty-five y e a r s a n d h a d n o d e s i r e t o b e a n y t h i n g
b u t a n u n . D e s p i t e t h e fact t h a t s h e d i d e v e r y t h i n g n u n s d o —
m a k i n g confession a n d service t o t h e c o m m u n i t y , for e x a m -
p l e — s h e g a v e virtually n o t h o u g h t t o G o d i n h e r daily life.
T h e r e are also m a n y w h o are spiritual b u t n o t religious.

A n d t h e r e are those w h o are a c o m b i n a t i o n of b o t h , as I a m . I
a m specifically C h r i s t i a n y e t q u i t e e c u m e n i c a l . I g r e w u p i n a
p r i m a r i l y s e c u l a r e n v i r o n m e n t ; m y s p i r i t u a l d e v e l o p m e n t was
e n a b l e d b y all t h e w o r l d ' s g r e a t r e l i g i o n s , a n d i t w a s n ' t u n t i l I
was f o r t y - t h r e e t h a t I was b a p t i z e d , n o n d e n o m i n a t i o n a l l y , as a
Christian. With m i n o r exceptions, I believe wholeheartedly in
C h r i s t i a n d o c t r i n e . O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , I also m a k e u s e o f t h e
t e a c h i n g s of o t h e r g r e a t r e l i g i o n s . What Return Can I Make? Di-
mensions of the Christian Experience (Gifts for the Journey) is t h e o n l y
specifically C h r i s t i a n b o o k I've e v e r w r i t t e n ; all t h e r e s t h a v e
b e e n m o r e spiritual t h a n religious.
I believe t h a t t h e differences b e t w e e n those w h o a r e ac-
tively r e l i g i o u s o r s p i r i t u a l a n d t h o s e w h o a r e n o t a r e g e n e r a l l y
n o t s o m u c h r a n d o m a s d e v e l o p m e n t a l . P e o p l e , like myself,
c h a n g e i n t h e i r lives r e g a r d i n g t h e n a t u r e o f t h e i r spirituality,
a n d I've c o m e t o s e e t h a t t h e r e i s a p r o f o u n d t e n d e n c y f o r t h e s e
c h a n g e s t o follow a s e q u e n c e , o r s t a g e s .
STAGES OF SPIRITUAL GROWTH
M y t h e o r y o n t h e s t a g e s o f s p i r i t u a l g r o w t h was first s u g g e s t e d
in The Road Less Traveled, b u t I w a s n ' t as c l e a r a b o u t it b a c k t h e n
as I am now. T h e p e r s o n best k n o w n for writing on this subject
is Professor J a m e s Fowler of the C a n d l e r School of T h e o l o g y of
E m o r y U n i v e r s i t y a n d t h e a u t h o r of, a m o n g o t h e r w o r k s , Stages
o f Faith. O n t h e basis o f F o w l e r ' s w o r k a n d m y o w n e x p e r i e n c e
a s a p s y c h i a t r i s t , I r e a l i z e d t h e r e w e r e m o r e o r less d i s t i n c t
s t a g e s o f s p i r i t u a l d e v e l o p m e n t . F o w l e r offers six s u c h s t a g e s ,
which I condensed into four a n d wrote about in m u c h greater
d e p t h in A Different Drum a n d to a lesser e x t e n t in Further Along
the Road Less Traveled. W h a t follows is a v e r y b r i e f d e s c r i p t i o n :
• S t a g e I, w h i c h I l a b e l C h a o t i c , A n t i s o c i a l . In t h i s m o s t
p r i m i t i v e s t a g e , p e o p l e m a y a p p e a r r e l i g i o u s o r s e c u l a r b u t , ei-
t h e r way, t h e i r " b e l i e f s y s t e m " i s p r o f o u n d l y s u p e r f i c i a l . T h e y

a r e essentially u n p r i n c i p l e d . Stage I m a y be t h o u g h t of as a
stage of Lawlessness.
• S t a g e II, w h i c h I l a b e l F o r m a l , I n s t i t u t i o n a l . T h i s is t h e
s t a g e o f t h e L e t t e r o f t h e Law, i n w h i c h r e l i g i o u s " f u n d a m e n t a l -
ists" ( m e a n i n g m o s t r e l i g i o u s p e o p l e ) a r e t o b e f o u n d .
• S t a g e III, w h i c h I l a b e l S k e p t i c , I n d i v i d u a l . H e r e is w h e r e
t h e m a j o r i t y o f s e c u l a r i s t s a r e f o u n d . P e o p l e i n this s t a g e a r e
usually scientific-minded, rational, moral, a n d h u m a n e . T h e i r
o u t l o o k is p r e d o m i n a n t l y materialistic. T h e y t e n d to be n o t
only skeptical of the spiritual b u t u n i n t e r e s t e d in anything that
cannot be proven.
• S t a g e IV, w h i c h I l a b e l Mystical, C o m m u n a l . In t h i s m o s t
m a t u r e stage of religious d e v e l o p m e n t , which may be t h o u g h t
o f a s t h a t o f t h e S p i r i t o f t h e Law, w o m e n a n d m e n a r e r a t i o n a l
b u t d o n o t m a k e a fetish o f r a t i o n a l i s m . T h e y h a v e b e g u n t o
d o u b t t h e i r o w n d o u b t s . T h e y feel d e e p l y c o n n e c t e d t o " a n u n -
s e e n o r d e r o f t h i n g s , " a l t h o u g h t h e y c a n n o t fully d e f i n e it. T h e y
are comfortable with t h e mystery of t h e sacred.
I m u s t c a u t i o n t h a t t h e s e s t a g e s s h o u l d n o t b e v i e w e d sim-
plistically. Superficially, m a n y p e o p l e m i g h t a p p e a r t o b e i n a
m o r e a d v a n c e d stage t h a n they truly are. A c o n s i d e r a b l e n u m -
b e r o f " N e w A g e r s " a n d scientists, f o r i n s t a n c e , a r e basically
" f u n d a m e n t a l i s t s , " w h i l e s o m e " e v a n g e l i c a l s " a r e S t a g e I V mys-
tics. F u r t h e r m o r e , n o t only are there gradations within each
s t a g e , b u t also p e o p l e w h o a r e i n t r a n s i t i o n f r o m o n e s t a g e t o
t h e next. A n d while s o m e a r e d e v e l o p i n g , o t h e r s , for various
reasons, are deeply stuck or fixated in a particular stage. Never-
theless, t h e stages a r e essentially d e v e l o p m e n t a l , w h i c h m e a n s ,
f o r o n e t h i n g , t h a t t h e s e c u l a r i s t s o f S t a g e III a r e a c t u a l l y m o r e
spiritually d e v e l o p e d t h a n t h e majority of religious p e o p l e .
M a n y i n S t a g e I I a r e h i g h l y critical o f t h e " s e c u l a r h u m a n i s t s " i n
S t a g e III b u t w o u l d b e well a d v i s e d t o b e c o m e m o r e h u m a n i s t
themselves.
T h e r e are some who worry that categorizing people in
stages of spiritual growth m a y have a f r a g m e n t i n g effect—that

the designation of different kinds of believers may be destruc-
tive t o c o m m u n i t y i n g e n e r a l a n d t h e " c o m m u n i t y o f t h e faith-
ful" i n p a r t i c u l a r . W h i l e I u n d e r s t a n d t h e c o n c e r n a b o u t
h i e r a r c h i e s a n d t h e i r p o t e n t i a l f o r e l i t i s m , I d o n o t feel t h e
w o r r y i s j u s t i f i e d . T h e s u p p o s e d " c o m m u n i t y " o f t h e faithful h a s
b e e n n o t e d in history for excluding, p u n i s h i n g , a n d frequently
even m u r d e r i n g the doubter, t h e skeptic, a n d others w h o did
not fit the mold. And my own repeated personal experience
with t h e k n o w l e d g e t h a t w e a r e a t d i f f e r e n t s t a g e s o f s p i r i t u a l
d e v e l o p m e n t facilitates r a t h e r t h a n h a m p e r s t h e f o r m a t i o n a n d
m a i n t e n a n c e o f t r u e c o m m u n i t i e s . Still, i t i s g o o d f o r u s t o b e a r
i n m i n d t h a t t h e relatively u n d e v e l o p e d a r e q u i t e c a p a b l e o f
community a n d advanced growth, a n d that the most developed
o f u s still r e t a i n vestiges o f t h e e a r l i e r s t a g e s . A s E d w a r d S a n f o r d
M a r t i n d e s c r i b e d i t i n h i s p o e m , "My N a m e I s L e g i o n , "
Within my earthly temple there's a crowd;

There's o n e of us that's h u m b l e , o n e that's p r o u d ,
T h e r e ' s o n e t h a t ' s b r o k e n - h e a r t e d f o r h i s sins,
T h e r e ' s o n e t h a t u n r e p e n t a n t sits a n d g r i n s ;
T h e r e ' s o n e t h a t loves h i s n e i g h b o r a s himself,
A n d o n e t h a t c a r e s f o r n a u g h t b u t f a m e a n d pelf.
F r o m m u c h c o r r o d i n g care I s h o u l d be free
If I could o n c e d e t e r m i n e which is m e .
In this c o m m o n j o u r n e y of spiritual growth, it may h e l p us

all t o r e m e m b e r t h e b a s i c m e a n i n g o f t h e w o r d " I s r a e l . " T h e
O l d T e s t a m e n t , q u i t e e a r l y i n t h e d r a m a , tells u s o f J a c o b . H e
was clearly a S t a g e I c h a p — a liar, thief, a n d m a n i p u l a t o r w h o
h a s c h e a t e d h i s b r o t h e r o u t o f his i n h e r i t a n c e . A s this p a r t o f
t h e s t o r y o r m y t h o p e n s , J a c o b i s i n t r o u b l e — a s i s typical o f
Stage I p e o p l e . On t h e l a m from his brother, w a n d e r i n g
t h r o u g h t h e d e s e r t , o n e e v e n i n g h e leaves h i s family t o s l e e p
alone. In t h e m i d d l e of t h e night, however, he is accosted by a
strongly built stranger. T h e y do battle with e a c h o t h e r in t h e
d a r k n e s s . T h e d e s p e r a t e s t r u g g l e lasts h o u r a f t e r h o u r , a s t h e y
wrestle together. But finally, j u s t as t h e first g l i m m e r of dawn
c o m e s t o t h e h o r i z o n , J a c o b feels h i m s e l f b e g i n n i n g t o g e t t h e
u p p e r h a n d . E x u l t i n g , h e t h r o w s all his r e s o u r c e s i n t o van-
q u i s h i n g this s t r a n g e r w h o h a s a s s a u l t e d h i m f o r n o a p p a r e n t
reason.
Something extraordinary then happens. The stranger
r e a c h e s o u t a n d lightly t o u c h e s J a c o b ' s t h i g h , a n d i t i s instantly,
effortlessly-pulled o u t o f j o i n t a n d b r o k e n . C r i p p l e d , J a c o b t h e n
c l i n g s t o t h e s t r a n g e r , n o t t o c o n t i n u e a n o b v i o u s l y lost b a t t l e —
he is an utterly defeated, b r o k e n m a n — b u t because he knows
n o w t h a t h e i s i n t h e p r e s e n c e o f divinity. S o i n t h a t f i r s t f a i n t
l i g h t o f d a w n , h e p l e a d s w i t h his a d v e r s a r y n o t t o leave b e f o r e
giving h i m a blessing. T h e s t r a n g e r agrees, a n d n o t only blesses
J a c o b b u t tells h i m , " H e n c e f o r t h y o u will b e c a l l e d I s r a e l , m e a n -
i n g h e w h o h a s s t r u g g l e d w i t h G o d . " A n d J a c o b l i m p s off i n t o
the future.
T h e r e a r e t o d a y t h r e e m e a n i n g s t o t h e w o r d "Israel." O n e
refers to a r a t h e r small area of t h e earth's surface on t h e eastern
c o a s t of t h e M e d i t e r r a n e a n , c u r r e n t l y a n a t i o n - s t a t e w i t h a brief,
a l r e a d y t o r t u r e d history. A s e c o n d r e f e r s t o t h e J e w i s h p e o p l e ,
d i s p e r s e d t h e w o r l d over, w i t h a l o n g a n d t o r t u r e d history. B u t
t h e m o s t basic m e a n i n g refers t o t h e p e o p l e w h o have struggled
w i t h G o d . A s s u c h i t i n c l u d e s all t h e S t a g e I p e o p l e , w h o h a v e
j u s t b e g u n t h e s t r u g g l e , w h o d o n o t yet k n o w b y w h o m t h e y ' v e
b e e n a s s a u l t e d , w h o a r e still i n t h e m i d s t o f t o t a l d a r k n e s s b e -
fore seeing their first dawn, before even receiving their first
b r e a k i n g a n d their first blessing. Israel also i n c l u d e s t h o s e p e o -
ple o n c e b r o k e n a n d o n c e blessed, the Stage II fundamentalist
H i n d u s a n d Muslims a n d Jews a n d Christians a n d Buddhists
t h r o u g h o u t t h e w o r l d . I n c l u d e d , t o o , a r e t h o s e twice b r o k e n
a n d twice b l e s s e d : t h e a t h e i s t s a n d t h e a g n o s t i c s a n d s k e p t i c s ,
w h e t h e r i n R u s s i a o r E n g l a n d o r A r g e n t i n a o r i n this c o u n t r y ,
w h o question a n d thereby c o n t i n u e the great struggle. A n d fi-
nally i t i n c l u d e s t h e t h r i c e b r o k e n a n d t h r i c e b l e s s e d mystics
f r o m all t h e c u l t u r e s o f t h e e a r t h , w h o h a v e e v e n c o m e t o s e e k
f u t u r e b r e a k i n g s for t h e b l e s s i n g s t h e y n o w k n o w will follow. Is-

rael includes t h e entirety of o u r struggling infant humanity. It is
t h e w h o l e p o t e n t i a l c o m m u n i t y o n t h e p l a n e t . W e a r e all I s r a e l .
PSYCHOSPIRITUAL AND HISTORICAL BAGGAGE
W e are often p r e v e n t e d f r o m s e e i n g this aspect o f o u r c o m m o n

humanity, in part because of the psychospiritual baggage we
u s u a l l y carry, u n a w a r e o f h o w i t s h a p e s o u r w o r l d v i e w w h e n i t
c o m e s t o r e l i g i o n a n d t h e s p i r i t u a l issues t h a t h a v e a n i m p a c t
o n o u r lives a n d o n o u r p e r c e p t i o n s o f G o d ' s r o l e i n t h e m . T h i s
psychospiritual baggage is often unconstructive a n d unneces-
sary. S o m e i s t h e r e s u l t o f r e l i g i o u s e x c e s s e s , s u c h a s t h e I n q u i -
sition. T h e original relationship b e t w e e n religion a n d science
was o n e o f i n t e g r a t i o n . A n d t h i s i n t e g r a t i o n h a d a n a m e — p h i -
l o s o p h y . Early p h i l o s o p h e r s like P l a t o a n d A r i s t o t l e a n d T h o m a s
A q u i n a s w e r e m e n o f scientific b e n t . T h e y t h o u g h t i n t e r m s o f
e v i d e n c e a n d q u e s t i o n e d p r e m i s e s , b u t t h e y a l s o w e r e totally
c o n v i n c e d t h a t G o d was t h e e s s e n t i a l reality.
In t h e sixteenth century, however, t h e relationship be-
tween science a n d religion began to go sour; a n d hit b o t t o m in
1 6 3 3 w h e n G a l i l e o was s u m m o n e d b e f o r e t h e I n q u i s i t i o n . T h e
results of that event were decidedly unpleasant. T h e y were un-
p l e a s a n t f o r G a l i l e o , w h o was f o r c e d t o r e c a n t h i s b e l i e f i n
C o p e r n i c a n t h e o r y — t h a t t h e p l a n e t s revolve a r o u n d t h e s u n —
a n d was p l a c e d u n d e r h o u s e a r r e s t f o r t h e r e m a i n d e r o f h i s life.
However, in short o r d e r things got even m o r e u n p l e a s a n t for
t h e C h u r c h , w h i c h t o t h i s d a y h a s itself b e e n r e c a n t i n g .
I n r e s p o n s e t o t h i s vast stress, t h e r e e m e r g e d t o w a r d t h e
end of the seventeenth and the beginning of the eighteenth
c e n t u r y a n u n w r i t t e n social c o n t r a c t t h a t d i v i d e d u p t h e t e r r i -
tory b e t w e e n g o v e r n m e n t , science, a n d religion. N o t con-
sciously d e v e l o p e d , i t was a n a l m o s t s p o n t a n e o u s r e s p o n s e t o
t h e n e e d s o f t h e day, a n d i t h a s d o n e m o r e t h a n a n y t h i n g else
to d e t e r m i n e t h e n a t u r e of o u r science a n d o u r religion ever
since.
I n t h e e a r l y 1700s, I s a a c N e w t o n was p r e s i d e n t o f t h e Royal

Society of L o n d o n for I m p r o v i n g N a t u r a l K n o w l e d g e . Accord-
ing to the unwritten contract, then already in place, natural
k n o w l e d g e was d i s t i n g u i s h e d f r o m s u p e r n a t u r a l k n o w l e d g e .
" N a t u r a l k n o w l e d g e " h a d b e c o m e t h e p r o v i n c e o f s c i e n c e , "su-
p e r n a t u r a l k n o w l e d g e " was n o w t h e p r o v i n c e o f r e l i g i o n , a n d
a c c o r d i n g to t h e rules of t h e contract, n e v e r t h e twain s h o u l d
m e e t . O n e effect o f t h a t s e p a r a t i o n was t h e e m a s c u l a t i o n o f p h i -
losophy. Since n a t u r a l k n o w l e d g e b e c a m e t h e d o m a i n o f scien-
tists a n d s u p e r n a t u r a l k n o w l e d g e t h a t o f t h e t h e o l o g i a n s , t h e
p o o r p h i l o s o p h e r s w e r e left o n l y w i t h w h a t fell t h r o u g h t h e
c r a c k s , w h i c h was n o t m u c h .
I n s o m e ways, this u n w r i t t e n social c o n t r a c t m i g h t b e
looked u p o n as o n e of the great intellectual h a p p e n i n g s of hu-
m a n k i n d . All m a n n e r o f g o o d c a m e f r o m it: t h e I n q u i s i t i o n
f a d e d away, r e l i g i o u s folk s t o p p e d b u r n i n g w i t c h e s ; t h e coffers
o f t h e C h u r c h r e m a i n e d full f o r s e v e r a l c e n t u r i e s ; slavery was
a b o l i s h e d ; d e m o c r a c y was e s t a b l i s h e d w i t h o u t a n a r c h y ; a n d ,
p e r h a p s b e c a u s e i t d i d r e s t r i c t itself t o n a t u r a l p h e n o m e n a , sci-
e n c e thrived, giving birth to a technological revolution b e y o n d
anybody's wildest expectations, even to t h e p o i n t of paving the
way f o r t h e d e v e l o p m e n t o f a p l a n e t a r y c u l t u r e .
T h e p r o b l e m i s t h a t t h i s u n w r i t t e n social c o n t r a c t n o
l o n g e r w o r k s . I n d e e d , a t this p o i n t i n t i m e , i t i s b e c o m i n g d o w n -
right diabolic. As I have already n o t e d , the w o r d "diabolic"
c o m e s f r o m t h e G r e e k diaballein, w h i c h m e a n s t o t h r o w a p a r t o r
t o s e p a r a t e , t o c o m p a r t m e n t a l i z e . I t i s t h e o p p o s i t e o f "sym-
b o l i c , " w h i c h c o m e s f r o m t h e w o r d symballein, m e a n i n g t o
t h r o w t o g e t h e r , t o unify. T h i s u n w r i t t e n social c o n t r a c t i s t e a r -
ing us apart.
T h a n k s to the secularization of education, we can't even
teach values in o u r public schools, for e x a m p l e . A l t h o u g h p u b -
lic s c h o o l s t e a c h s c i e n c e , t h e r e s e e m s t o b e a view t h a t r e l i g i o n
s h o u l d n ' t b e t o u c h e d . N o b o d y h a s s u e d — e x c e p t a few f u n d a -
mentalists w h o objected to evolutionary theory—over the
t e a c h i n g of science, b u t t h e subjects of religion a n d spirituality
are considered so controversial that no o n e dares design a rea-
s o n a b l e a n d b a s i c c u r r i c u l u m . T h e r e ' s a b s o l u t e l y n o valid r e a -
son n o t t o teach religion; i t can b e d o n e i n m u c h t h e objective
m a n n e r i n w h i c h s c i e n c e i s t a u g h t , w i t h a f o c u s o n all r e l i g i o n s
a n d t h e i r key c o n c e p t s . S i n c e v a l u e s a r e u l t i m a t e l y r e l a t e d t o b a -
sic r e l i g i o u s i d e a s , t h e a p p r o a c h t o t e a c h i n g v a l u e s c a n b e a l o n g
the s a m e lines, with no partiality to any particular ideas b u t a
g e n e r a l o v e r v i e w w i t h specific c o n c e p t s a n d t h e o r i e s .
I n reality, w e c u r r e n t l y t e a c h o u r c h i l d r e n m a t e r i a l i s m b y
n o t t e a c h i n g spirituality a n d , by implication, we a r e s e n d i n g a
message that values are simply n o t i m p o r t a n t . T h o s e w h o object
t o v a l u e s b e i n g t a u g h t fail t o s e e t h a t w e a l r e a d y h a v e i n t e r -
j e c t e d a basic nihilistic value i n t o s c h o o l c u r r i c u l u m s . Nihilism
suggests that there's no u n s e e n o r d e r to things, that a n y t h i n g
g o e s a n d t h e r e i s n o p a r t i c u l a r m e a n i n g i n life's e x p e r i e n c e s .
To teach values is to suggest that things do matter. But whose
values a n d w h i c h values s h o u l d be taught? T h a t is t h e d i l e m m a ,
a n d its r e s o l u t i o n i s n o t t o t e a c h a n y o n e set; i t i s t o p r e s e n t stu-
d e n t s with a c o m p l e t e overview a n d t h e n d a r e to let t h e m de-
cide for themselves.
L e t m e p o i n t o u t t h e effect o f t h e u n w r i t t e n c o n t r a c t n o t
j u s t t h r o u g h o u t A m e r i c a n c u l t u r e b u t specifically u p o n m y o w n
f i e l d o f psychiatry. Psychiatry, d e f i n i n g itself a s scientific, h a s to-
tally n e g l e c t e d t h e s p i r i t u a l . I d o u b t t h a t it is p o s s i b l e f o r a psy-
chiatrist t o c o m p l e t e his o r h e r residency t r a i n i n g w i t h o u t
significant e x p o s u r e to stage theory: F r e u d ' s stages of psycho-
sexual d e v e l o p m e n t , Piaget's stages of cognitive d e v e l o p m e n t ,
a n d E r i k s o n ' s s t a g e s o f m a t u r a t i o n a n d t h e i r p r e d i c t a b l e crises.
Yet, t o m y k n o w l e d g e , i n t h e i r t r a i n i n g p s y c h i a t r i s t s r e c e i v e a b -
solutely no e x p o s u r e to t h e stages of spiritual d e v e l o p m e n t .
T h e p r i m a r y r e a s o n f o r this fact i s t h a t t r a i n i n g p r o g r a m s f o r
psychiatrists have simply n o t r e g a r d e d it as their responsibility
t o k n o w o r t e a c h a n y t h i n g a b o u t spirituality.
W e c a r r y n o t o n l y this collective h i s t o r i c a l b a g g a g e b u t a l s o
the baggage of our own personal experiences of how we were
treated by the c h u r c h w h e n we raised doubts or e x p e r i e n c e d
p e r i o d s o f a l i e n a t i o n f r o m h u m a n f e l l o w s h i p a s well a s a l i e n -
ation from God. T h e Inquisition is g o n e b u t c u r r e n t religious
e x c e s s e s still l e a d t o t h e f i x a t i o n o f m a n y i n S t a g e III s e c u l a r i s m .
D o g m a t i s m a n d b i g o t r y a m o n g f u n d a m e n t a l i s t s o f all faiths
leave n o r o o m for d o u b t a n d uncertainty. M a n y a r e d e e p l y an-
gry for b e i n g rejected by their c h u r c h b e c a u s e they've h a d
d o u b t s . Often, their first r e s p o n s e to a n y t h i n g spiritual after
y e a r s o f s u f f e r i n g f r o m s u c h r e j e c t i o n i s " O h , n o , n o t t h a t stuff
again." T o m o v e o n r a t h e r t h a n r e m a i n stuck, they m a y n e e d t o
l e a r n t o forgive t h e i r f a i t h f o r its S t a g e I I rigidity a n d i n t o l e r -
ance.
T h e n there is the purely psychological baggage that causes
m a n y t o b e c o m e s t u c k i n t h e i r s p i r i t u a l g r o w t h . W h e n I was still
in p r a c t i c e , I s e r v e d as a c o n s u l t a n t to a c o n v e n t t h a t r e q u i r e d
its p o s t u l a n t s t o r e c e i v e a p s y c h i a t r i c e v a l u a t i o n b e f o r e e n t e r i n g
t h e n o v i t i a t e . O n e e v a l u a t i o n I d i d was of a forty-five-year-old
w o m a n w h o h a d b e e n described by h e r novice director a n d re-
l i g i o u s i n s t r u c t o r a s a " w o n d e r f u l p o s t u l a n t . " T h e o n l y r e d flag
was t h a t t h e o t h e r p o s t u l a n t s w e r e n ' t p a r t i c u l a r l y f r i e n d l y t o -
w a r d h e r . T h e r e was n o t h i n g specific t h e y d i d n ' t like; t h e y j u s t
d i d n ' t r e s p o n d warmly to her.
W h e n I m e t h e r , w h a t i m m e d i a t e l y s t r u c k m e was t h a t s h e
c a r r i e d h e r s e l f m o r e like a giggly e i g h t - y e a r - o l d girl t h a n a forty-
f i v e - y e a r - o l d w o m a n . A s s h e t a l k e d a b o u t h e r s p i r i t u a l life, t h e r e
was n o t h i n g s p o n t a n e o u s . S h e c a m e a c r o s s a s a g o o d little girl
w h o k n e w all t h e r i g h t t h i n g s t o say a n d w h o t o o k g r e a t p r i d e i n
r e e l i n g off h e r c a t e c h i s m .
I was c o m p e l l e d t o p r o b e b e y o n d h e r r e l i g i o u s life. W h e n I
asked a b o u t h e r c h i l d h o o d , she r e p l i e d t h a t it was "wonderfully
happy." Since o u r y o u n g e r years a r e so frequently painful, I im-
m e d i a t e l y p r i c k e d u p m y ears, asking for m o r e i n f o r m a t i o n
a b o u t this w o n d e r f u l c h i l d h o o d . She told m e a b o u t a n i n c i d e n t
i n v o l v i n g herself, t h e n e i g h t , a n d h e r sister, w h o was n i n e y e a r s
o l d a t t h e t i m e . O n e d a y w h i l e t h e y w e r e i n t h e b a t h t u b , h e r sis-
t e r playfully w a r n e d h e r , " W a t c h o u t ! O o g l e ' s c o m i n g , " a refer-
e n c e to t h e girls' m u t u a l l y m a d e - u p play pal, a friendly ghost.
T h e e i g h t - y e a r - o l d instinctively d o v e u n d e r t h e water. H e r
mother, she t h e n recalled, b e a t her.
" B e a t y o u ? " I q u e r i e d . "Why?"
"Because I got my hair wet, of course."

A s h e r r e c o l l e c t i o n s o f o t h e r i m p o r t a n t e v e n t s i n h e r life
surfaced d u r i n g o u r session together, i t b e c a m e obvious t h a t
the woman's description of a "wonderfully happy" c h i l d h o o d
was o n l y o n e v e r s i o n o f t h e s t o r y — a s i m p l i s t i c a n d c o m f o r t i n g
o n e p e r h a p s . I l e a r n e d t h a t w h e n s h e was twelve y e a r s o l d , h e r
m o t h e r b e c a m e i n c a p a c i t a t e d w i t h m u l t i p l e sclerosis a n d d i e d
s e v e n y e a r s later. B y n o w i t was c l e a r t o m e t h a t t h e w o m a n ' s gig-
gly, c h i l d i s h m a n n e r was t h e r e s u l t o f h e r h a v i n g b e c o m e f i x -
ated at a p r e a d o l e s c e n t e m o t i o n a l stage.
I n m a n y ways, t h e p e r s o n a l i t i e s o f c h i l d r e n i n t h e i r l a t e n c y
s t a g e p a r a l l e l S t a g e I I spirituality. I n d e e d , w e call t h e y e a r s b e -
t w e e n f i v e a n d twelve t h e l a t e n c y p e r i o d p r e c i s e l y b e c a u s e chil-
d r e n this a g e a r e " l a t e n t " — m e a n i n g n o t m u c h t r o u b l e . A l t h o u g h
mischievous at times, they naturally t e n d to believe everything
M o m m y a n d D a d d y say. W i t h a d o l e s c e n c e , h o w e v e r , all h e l l
breaks loose as they naturally t e n d to question everything. But
h o w c a n y o u r e b e l against a m o t h e r w h o beats you m e r e l y for
getting your hair wet, w h o b e c o m e s c r i p p l e d j u s t w h e n y o u r
adolescence has b e g u n , a n d t h e n dies a r o u n d the time w h e n
this n o r m a l p e r i o d o f a d o l e s c e n t r e b e l l i o n s h o u l d i d e a l l y b e
a l m o s t c o m p l e t e ? T h i s forty-five-year-old w o m a n ' s f a i l u r e t o
e x p e r i e n c e a d o l e s c e n t r e b e l l i o n was a l s o r e f l e c t e d i n h e r
spirituality. T h e o r i g i n s o f t h e c h i l d l i k e q u a l i t y s h e h a d i n g e n -
eral a n d of h e r d e f e r e n c e to a n y t h i n g involving C h u r c h au-
t h o r i t y w e r e easy t o p i n p o i n t .
I have previously written that t h e r e are parallels b e t w e e n
t h e stages o f s p i r i t u a l d e v e l o p m e n t a n d t h e p s y c h o s e x u a l d e v e l -
o p m e n t a l s t a g e s w i t h w h i c h psychiatrists a r e g e n e r a l l y f a m i l i a r —
S t a g e I c o r r e s p o n d i n g i n s o m e ways t o t h e f i r s t f i v e y e a r s o f life,
S t a g e I I t o t h e l a t e n c y p e r i o d , S t a g e III t o a d o l e s c e n c e a n d e a r l y
a d u l t h o o d , a n d S t a g e I V t o t h e last h a l f o f life i n h e a l t h y h u m a n
d e v e l o p m e n t . L i k e t h e p s y c h o s o c i a l d e v e l o p m e n t a l stages, t h e
stages o f s p i r i t u a l d e v e l o p m e n t a r e s e q u e n t i a l . T h e y c a n n o t b e
s k i p p e d over. A n d j u s t a s t h e r e a r e f i x a t i o n s o f p s y c h o s e x u a l d e -
v e l o p m e n t , s o p e o p l e m a y b e c o m e spiritually f i x a t e d i n o n e o f
t h e s e stages, s o m e t i m e s f o r s o m e o f t h e s a m e r e a s o n s .
I n e e d also n o t e a g a i n t h a t t h e " d i a g n o s i s " o f a p e r s o n ' s

spirituality s h o u l d n o t b e m a d e o n superficial a p p e a r a n c e s o r
simplistic a s s u m p t i o n s . J u s t b e c a u s e a m a n is a scientist, he m a y
l o o k a s i f h e i s i n S t a g e III w h e n a c t u a l l y h e h a s a p r i m a r i l y
S t a g e I I spirituality. A n o t h e r m a y m o u t h mystical sayings i n
S t a g e I V l a n g u a g e b u t a c t u a l l y b e a S t a g e I c o n artist. A n d a
s m a l l m i n o r i t y m a y n o t f i t very well i n t o a n y d e v e l o p m e n t a l
s t a g e . T h o s e w e call b o r d e r l i n e p e r s o n a l i t i e s , f o r i n s t a n c e , t e n d
t o h a v e o n e f o o t i n S t a g e I , t h e o t h e r f o o t i n S t a g e II, o n e h a n d
i n S t a g e III, a n d t h e o t h e r h a n d i n S t a g e IV. I t i s n o a c c i d e n t
t h a t t h e y a r e l a b e l e d b o r d e r l i n e , s i n c e t h e y t e n d t o b e all o v e r
the place.
T h e g r e a t e s t p r o b l e m e n c o u n t e r e d i n all t h e s t a g e s i s t h a t ,
e x c e p t f o r S t a g e I V p e o p l e ( w h o e n v i s i o n t h e m s e l v e s a s pil-
grims on an o n g o i n g j o u r n e y ) , m a n y think they have arrived. A
S t a g e I I f u n d a m e n t a l i s t i s likely t o t h i n k h e h a s g o t i t all f i g u r e d
o u t w i t h G o d c a p t u r e d i n his b a c k p o c k e t , w h i l e a d i e h a r d sec-
u l a r i s t t h i n k s s h e i s s o s o p h i s t i c a t e d t h a t "I've g o t n o p l a c e else
to go beyond here."
S o m e p e o p l e n e e d t o g r o w o u t o f r e l i g i o n , like t h e w o m a n
n a m e d K a t h y w h o s e s t o r y I t o l d in The Road Less Traveled. S h e
was a p r i m i t i v e , S t a g e I I C a t h o l i c w h o d i s p l a y e d m o r e o f a n at-
t a c h m e n t t o t h e f o r m o f h e r r e l i g i o n t h a n t o its s p i r i t . A n d
t h e r e are s o m e p e o p l e w h o n e e d to grow m o r e into religion, as
was t h e c a s e w i t h t h e e x t r e m e l y s e c u l a r T h e o d o r e , w h o s e s t o r y
I also t o l d i n t h e s a m e b o o k , a n d w h o r e p r e s e n t e d a n o t h e r ex-
a m p l e of the baggage that can cripple the spiritual growth
process w i t h o u t p s y c h o t h e r a p y for h e a l i n g .
INTEGRATION AND INTEGRITY
L o o k i n g b a c k o v e r t h e c o u r s e o f h u m a n history, w e c a n d i s c e r n
b o t h the strengths a n d the limitations i n h e r e n t in the Age of
Faith. But only recently are we b e g i n n i n g to see the limitations
of t h e Age of Reason, which is w h e r e we n o w find ourselves as a
society. W e r e w e still e m b e d d e d i n t h e A g e o f F a i t h , I s u s p e c t i t
w o u l d b e b l i n d faith t h a t I , a s a m e m b e r o f t h e " E n l i g h t e n -
m e n t , " w o u l d b e a t t a c k i n g . Today, h o w e v e r , w h i l e I a m a g r e a t
advocate of r e a s o n , I am very m u c h against u n i m a g i n a t i v e a n d
n a r r o w - m i n d e d r e a s o n . W h e n w e t h i n k w e s h o u l d k n o w the r e a -
s o n for e v e r y t h i n g a n d t h a t t h e r e i s o n l y o n e r e a s o n — w h e n t h e
concept of overdetermination is foreign to o u r minds—we are
cursed by e i t h e r / o r thinking. Such limited thinking has led us
to believe t h a t e d u c a t i o n s h o u l d be e i t h e r secular or religious,
t h a t r i o t s a r e c a u s e d e i t h e r b y a b r e a k d o w n i n family v a l u e s o r
by oppressive racism, that o n e m u s t be either a D e m o c r a t or a
R e p u b l i c a n , a c o n s e r v a t i v e or a l i b e r a l .
T h e t r u t h i s t h e r e i s r o o m f o r b o t h faith a n d r e a s o n . A n d
o n l y w h e n w e a r e a b l e t o i n t e g r a t e t h e a t t r i b u t e s o f faith a n d
r e a s o n i n t o o u r lives c a n w e c o m e c l o s e r t o w h a t c o n s t i t u t e s
integrity. I d o n ' t k n o w w h o originally c o i n e d t h e t e r m , b u t a
few t h e o l o g i a n s — i n c l u d i n g m e — a r e i n c r e a s i n g l y e x a l t i n g t h e
"Holy Conjunction." T h e Holy Conjunction is the w o r d "and."
I n s t e a d o f a n e i t h e r / o r style o f m e n t a t i o n , w e a r e p u s h i n g f o r
b o t h / a n d thinking. We are n o t trying to get rid of reason b u t
p r o m o t e " r e a s o n p l u s . " R e a s o n and mystery. R e a s o n and e m o -
t i o n . R e a s o n and i n t u i t i o n . R e a s o n and r e v e l a t i o n . R e a s o n and
w i s d o m . R e a s o n and love.
So we a r e e n v i s i o n i n g a w o r l d w h e r e a b u s i n e s s c a n m a k e a
p r o f i t a n d b e e t h i c a l . W h e r e a g o v e r n m e n t c a n p r o m o t e politi-
cal o r d e r a n d social j u s t i c e . W h e r e m e d i c i n e c a n b e p r a c t i c e d
with technological proficiency a n d compassion. W h e r e c h i l d r e n
c a n b e t a u g h t s c i e n c e a n d r e l i g i o n . O u r vision i s o n e o f i n t e g r a -
t i o n . B y i n t e g r a t i o n w e d o n o t m e a n s q u a s h i n g two o r m o r e
t h i n g s t o g e t h e r i n t o a c o l o r l e s s , u n i s e x b l o b . W h e n w e talk o f in-
t e g r a t i n g s c i e n c e a n d faith, w e a r e n o t s p e a k i n g o f r e t u r n i n g t o
a n a g e o f p r i m i t i v e faith, w h e r e s c i e n c e i s d i s c o u n t e d , a n y m o r e
t h a n we a r e a r g u i n g for t h e status q u o w h e r e a limited science is
i d o l i z e d w h i l e faith i s r e l e g a t e d t o a n h o u r o n S u n d a y . T h e H o l y
C o n j u n c t i o n i s t h e c o n j u n c t i o n o f integrity.
I h a v e o f t e n w o n d e r e d w h a t m i g h t lie b e y o n d t h e A g e o f
R e a s o n . I d o n ' t k n o w . B u t I h o p e i t will b e t h e A g e o f I n t e g r a -
d o n . I n t h a t a g e s c i e n c e a n d r e l i g i o n will w o r k h a n d i n h a n d ,
a n d b o t h will b e m o r e s o p h i s t i c a t e d a s a r e s u l t . B e f o r e w e c a n
arrive at t h e Age of Integration, however, we ourselves m u s t be-
c o m e m o r e s o p h i s t i c a t e d i n o u r t h i n k i n g . Specifically, w e m u s t
c o m e t o l e a r n h o w t o t h i n k p a r a d o x i c a l l y b e c a u s e w e will e n -
counter paradox whenever reason becomes integrated by the
Holy Conjunction.
S e v e r a l y e a r s a g o , I h a d t h e o p p o r t u n i t y t o offer a s e t o f t e n
r e c o m m e n d a t i o n s to t h e state commissioners of e d u c a t i o n w h o
h a d g a t h e r e d t o wrestle with t h e c o m p l e x issue o f t h e t e a c h i n g
o f v a l u e s i n p u b l i c s c h o o l s . O n e o f m y r e c o m m e n d a t i o n s was
t h a t Z e n B u d d h i s m s h o u l d b e t a u g h t i n t h e f i f t h g r a d e . I was
n o t speaking t o n g u e in cheek. Zen is the ideal training g r o u n d
for p a r a d o x . W i t h o u t m y twenty years o f m e a n d e r i n g a r o u n d
w i t h Z e n B u d d h i s m , I d o n ' t t h i n k t h e r e i s a n y way I c o u l d h a v e
b e e n p r e p a r e d t o swallow t h e literally God-awful p a r a d o x e s t h a t
lie a t t h e c o r e o f C h r i s t i a n d o c t r i n e . I t i s a r o u n d t h e a g e o f t e n
t h a t c h i l d r e n a r e f i r s t a b l e t o d e a l w i t h p a r a d o x , a n d i t i s a crit-
ical m o m e n t f o r i m p r i n t i n g w h i c h s h o u l d n o t b e lost. I d o u b t ,
h o w e v e r , t h a t t h e c o m m i s s i o n e r s t o o k this r e c o m m e n d a t i o n se-
riously.
I t i s n o t g o i n g t o b e easy f o r p e o p l e t o l e a r n h o w t o t h i n k
p a r a d o x i c a l l y i n this A g e o f R e a s o n . I n d e e d , " p a r a d o x " i s o f t e n
t r a n s l a t e d f r o m its G r e e k r o o t a s " c o n t r a r y t o r e a s o n . " B u t p a r a -
d o x i s n o t a c t u a l l y u n r e a s o n a b l e . I t s e e m s t h a t way b e c a u s e w e
t e n d to think in w o r d s — a n d particularly in n o u n s . N o u n s are
categories, a n d l a n g u a g e c o m p a r t m e n t a l i z e s . "Cat" is t h e cate-
g o r y f o r c e r t a i n f u r r y l a n d a n i m a l s w i t h w h i s k e r s . "Fish" i s t h e
c a t e g o r y f o r w a t e r c r e a t u r e s w i t h scales. C o n s e q u e n t l y , a c r e a -
t u r e t h a t falls i n t o t h e c a t c a t e g o r y c a n n o t fall i n t o t h e f i s h cat-
e g o r y — u n l e s s it is a "catfish," b u t t h e n we k n o w t h a t a catfish
really b e l o n g s i n t h e f i s h c o m p a r t m e n t . "Life" a n d " d e a t h " a r e
o p p o s i t e c o m p a r t m e n t s . E v e n v e r b s a r e c a t e g o r i c a l . "To f i n d " i s
t h e o p p o s i t e of "to lose." W h a t , t h e n , a r e we to do with s o m e -
o n e w h o t e a c h e s u s t h e p a r a d o x , " W h o s o e v e r will save h i s life
shall l o s e it; a n d w h o s o e v e r shall l o s e h i s life will find it"?
GRACE AND SERENDIPITY
H o w e v e r h a r d w e m a y try, t h e r e a l i t y i s t h a t w e h u m a n s c a n
n e v e r will m i r a c l e s i n t o b e i n g . T h i s fact, t h i s l a c k o f c o n t r o l , i s
o n e o f t h e r e a s o n s t h e s e c u l a r g e n e r a l l y t u r n a b l i n d eye t o t h e
m i r a c u l o u s i n life. T h e y fail t o s e e t h e g r a c e — a n d h e n c e t h e
p r o o f — o f G o d a n d G o d ' s love.
I n m y p r i m a r y i d e n t i t y a s a scientist, I w a n t a n d like p r o o f .
B e i n g as m u c h a l o g i c a l s o r t as a mystical o n e , I e x p e c t statisti-
cal p r o o f w h e n e v e r p o s s i b l e t o c o n v i n c e m e o f t h i n g s . B u t
t h r o u g h o u t my twenties a n d thirties a n d as I c o n t i n u e d to ma-
t u r e , I've b e c o m e m o r e a n d m o r e i m p r e s s e d b y t h e f r e q u e n c y
o f statistically h i g h l y i m p r o b a b l e e v e n t s . I n t h e i r very i m p r o b a -
bility, I g r a d u a l l y b e g a n t o s e e t h e f i n g e r p r i n t s o f G o d . O n t h e
basis o f s u c h e v e n t s i n m y o w n life a n d i n t h e lives o f p a t i e n t s
( m a n y r e c o u n t e d in The Road Less Traveled a n d s u b s e q u e n t
b o o k s ) , I k n o w t h a t grace is real. T h e r e is a p a t t e r n to these
h i g h l y i m p r o b a b l e e v e n t s : a l m o s t all s e e m e d t o h a v e a b e n e f i -
cial o u t c o m e . I h a d s t u m b l e d u p o n a s y n o n y m f o r g r a c e : s e r e n -
dipity.
W e b s t e r ' s d i c t i o n a r y d e f i n e s s e r e n d i p i t y a s " t h e gift o f f i n d -
i n g v a l u a b l e o r a g r e e a b l e t h i n g s n o t s o u g h t for." T h i s d e f i n i t i o n
has several i n t r i g u i n g features. O n e is t h a t serendipity is t e r m e d
a gift, w h i c h i m p l i e s t h a t s o m e p e o p l e p o s s e s s i t w h i l e o t h e r s
d o n ' t , t h a t s o m e p e o p l e are lucky a n d o t h e r s a r e not. It is a ma-
j o r thesis of m i n e that grace, manifested in p a r t by "valuable or
a g r e e a b l e t h i n g s n o t s o u g h t for," i s a v a i l a b l e t o e v e r y o n e . B u t
w h i l e s o m e t a k e a d v a n t a g e o f it, o t h e r s d o n o t .
O n e o f t h e r e a s o n s f o r t h e h u m a n t e n d e n c y t o resist g r a c e
i s t h a t w e a r e n o t fully a w a r e o f its p r e s e n c e . W e d o n ' t f i n d valu-
a b l e t h i n g s n o t s o u g h t f o r b e c a u s e w e fail t o a p p r e c i a t e t h e
v a l u e o f t h e gift w h e n i t i s g i v e n t o u s . I n o t h e r w o r d s , s e r e n d i p -
i t o u s e v e n t s o c c u r t o all o f u s , b u t f r e q u e n t l y w e fail t o r e c o g n i z e
their serendipitous nature; we consider such events u n r e m a r k -
a b l e , a n d c o n s e q u e n t l y w e fail t o t a k e full a d v a n t a g e o f t h e m .
T h e indications of grace a n d / o r serendipity as I have de-
scribed t h e m s e e m to have the following characteristics:
• T h e y serve to n u r t u r e — s u p p o r t , protect, a n d e n h a n c e —
h u m a n life a n d s p i r i t u a l g r o w t h .
• T h e m e c h a n i s m of their action is either incompletely
u n d e r s t a n d a b l e (as i n t h e c a s e o f d r e a m s ) o r totally o b s c u r e (as
in t h e case of p a r a n o r m a l p h e n o m e n a ) a c c o r d i n g to t h e prin-
ciples o f n a t u r a l law a s i n t e r p r e t e d b y c u r r e n t scientific t h i n k i n g .
• T h e i r o c c u r r e n c e is frequent, routine, c o m m o n p l a c e ,
a n d essentially universal a m o n g humanity.
• A l t h o u g h they are potentially influenced by h u m a n con-
s c i o u s n e s s , t h e i r o r i g i n i s o u t s i d e t h e c o n s c i o u s will a n d b e y o n d
the process of conscious decision making.
In o t h e r words, I have c o m e to believe that their c o m m o n -

ality i n d i c a t e s t h a t t h e s e p h e n o m e n a a r e p a r t o f o r m a n i f e s t a -
tions of a single p h e n o m e n o n : a powerful force t h a t originates
outside of h u m a n consciousness a n d n u r t u r e s the spiritual
growth of h u m a n beings. We w h o are properly skeptical a n d
s c i e n t i f i c - m i n d e d m a y b e i n c l i n e d t o d i s m i s s this f o r c e s i n c e w e
c a n ' t t o u c h i t a n d h a v e n o d e c e n t way t o m e a s u r e it. Yet i t exists.
It is r e a l .
O u r u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h a t i s l i m i t e d , a g a i n , b y o u r diffi-
c u l t y i n d e a l i n g w i t h p a r a d o x . W e w a n t t o identify t h i n g s r a t i o -
nally. T h e p a r a d o x o f g r a c e i s t h a t , o n t h e o n e h a n d , i t i s
e a r n e d . I've a l r e a d y m e n t i o n e d a n u m b e r o f r e a s o n s w h y o u r
b e c o m i n g blessed by grace is a matter of choice. On the o t h e r
h a n d , try a s w e m i g h t t o o b t a i n g r a c e , i t m a y y e t e l u d e u s . I n
o t h e r words, we do n o t c o m e to grace; grace c o m e s to us. T h e
paradox that we both choose grace a n d are chosen by grace is
t h e e s s e n c e o f t h e p h e n o m e n o n o f s e r e n d i p i t y , w h i c h was d e -
f i n e d a s " t h e gift o f f i n d i n g v a l u a b l e o r a g r e e a b l e t h i n g s n o t
s o u g h t for." B u d d h a f o u n d e n l i g h t e n m e n t o n l y w h e n h e
s t o p p e d s e e k i n g i t — w h e n h e let i t c o m e t o h i m . But w h o c a n
d o u b t that e n l i g h t e n m e n t c a m e t o h i m precisely because h e
h a d d e v o t e d a t l e a s t s i x t e e n y e a r s o f h i s life t o s e e k i n g it, s i x t e e n
y e a r s i n p r e p a r a t i o n ? H e h a d b o t h t o s e e k i t a n d n o t s e e k it.
I've o f t e n b e e n a s k e d i f I h a v e h a d a n y e x p e r i e n c e s o f
g r a c e s i n c e I w r o t e The Road Less Traveled t w e n t y y e a r s a g o . I n -
d e e d , they j u s t g o o n a n d on. A n d while hardly t h e m o s t r e c e n t

example, there is o n e that is particularly m e m o r a b l e . Approxi-
m a t e l y e i g h t y e a r s a g o , I was o n m y way t o a s p e a k i n g e n g a g e -
m e n t i n M i n n e a p o l i s . Flying t i m e was t h e n v e r y p r e c i o u s t o m e ,
b e c a u s e t h a t was w h e n I g o t t o d o t h e m a j o r i t y o f m y w r i t i n g . S o
I always c a r r i e d a yellow legal p a d w i t h m e . B e c a u s e I am shy, I
u s u a l l y d o n o t like t o talk t o t h e p e r s o n n e x t t o m e , p a r t i c u l a r l y
if he is intoxicated. So even w h e n I am n o t writing, I m a k e it
l o o k as if I am to p r o t e c t my privacy.
O n this p a r t i c u l a r m o r n i n g , w h e n I g o t o n t h e p l a n e i n
H a r t f o r d , m y s e a t m a t e , w h o was q u i t e s o b e r , was a m a n i n h i s
early forties. I gave h i m my u s u a l n o n v e r b a l m e s s a g e s t h a t I d i d n ' t
w a n t t o talk t o h i m , a n d was d e l i g h t e d t o s e e h i m give m e
e q u a l l y s t r o n g n o n v e r b a l m e s s a g e s t h a t h e d i d n ' t w a n t t o talk t o
m e e i t h e r . S o w e sat t h e r e i n s i l e n c e t o g e t h e r , I w i t h m y yellow
p a d a n d h e r e a d i n g a n o v e l , f o r a n h o u r - l o n g flight t o Buffalo.
T h e n w e silently g o t off t h e a i r p l a n e t o g e t h e r a n d silently
s h a r e d t h e s a m e w a i t i n g r o o m i n Buffalo f o r a n h o u r - l o n g lay-
over. T h e n w e silently g o t b a c k o n t h e a i r p l a n e t o g e t h e r . I t was
n o t u n t i l forty-five m i n u t e s e a s t o f Buffalo a n d w e s t o f M i n -
neapolis that the first words passed between us when, o u t of a
literally a s well a s f i g u r a t i v e l y c l e a r b l u e sky, this m a n l o o k e d u p
f r o m t h e n o v e l h e was r e a d i n g a n d said, " I h a t e t o b o t h e r y o u ,
b u t you d o n ' t h a p p e n , by any chance, to know the m e a n i n g of
the w o r d 'serendipity,' do you?"
I r e s p o n d e d t h a t as far as I k n e w I was t h e o n l y p e r s o n w h o
h a d written a substantial p o r t i o n of a b o o k on t h e subject, a n d
t h a t i t was p e r h a p s s e r e n d i p i t y t h a t a t t h e p r e c i s e m o m e n t h e
wanted to know the meaning of the word, he h a p p e n e d to be
sitting in o u t e r space n e x t to an authority on t h e subject.
( T h i n k of t h e improbability of t h a t o c c u r r e n c e ! Also k e e p in
m i n d that I have defined grace in terms of occurrences that are
n o t o n l y statistically h i g h l y i m p r o b a b l e b u t also h a v e b e n e f i c i a l
outcomes.)
W h e n that sort of thing h a p p e n s , sometimes even I have to
p u t away m y yellow p a d , a n d t h e two o f u s b e g a n t o talk. H e
asked m e what t h e b o o k that h a d s o m e t h i n g t o d o with
s e r e n d i p i t y was a b o u t . I t o l d h i m t h a t i t was a k i n d of i n t e g r a -
t i o n o f p s y c h o l o g y a n d r e l i g i o n . "Well, I d o n ' t k n o w a b o u t reli-
g i o n a n y m o r e , " m y s e a t m a t e said, a n d t o l d m e t h a t h e was a n
I o w a boy, b o r n a n d b r e d — b o r n i n t o t h e M e t h o d i s t C h u r c h a n d
s u s t a i n e d b y i t f o r d e c a d e s . P e r h a p s b e c a u s e I l o o k e d like t h e
k i n d o f p e r s o n h e c o u l d talk t o , a n d c e r t a i n l y a p e r s o n h e w o u l d
n e v e r h a v e t o s e e a g a i n , h e w e n t o n t o tell m e , " I ' m n o t s u r e
t h a t I b u y this virgin b i r t h bit a n y m o r e . To be perfectly h o n e s t ,
I e v e n h a v e s o m e q u e s t i o n s a b o u t t h e r e s u r r e c t i o n . S o I ' m feel-
i n g k i n d o f b a d a b o u t it, b e c a u s e i t l o o k s like I ' m g o i n g t o h a v e
t o leave t h e c h u r c h . "
I n r e s p o n s e , I b e g a n t o talk a b o u t t h e h e a l t h i n e s s o f s k e p -
ticism a n d d o u b t . I t o l d h i m t h a t in The Road Less Traveled I h a d
w r i t t e n , " T h e p a t h t o h o l i n e s s lies t h r o u g h q u e s t i o n i n g every-
t h i n g . " A n d I e x p l a i n e d h o w s u c h q u e s t i o n i n g was n e c e s s a r y f o r
s o m e o n e t o m o v e f r o m a h a n d - m e - d o w n r e l i g i o n t o a fully m a -
ture, personal o n e . W h e n we parted at the Minneapolis airport,
m y s e a t m a t e said, " I d o n ' t h a v e t h e f o g g i e s t i d e a w h a t all o f t h i s
m e a n s , b u t m a y b e I d o n ' t h a v e t o leave t h e c h u r c h after all."
REVELATION
I believe that t h e radical h e a l i n g influence of grace is m a n i -

f e s t e d t o u s n o t o n l y t h r o u g h s u c h wildly i m p r o b a b l e c i r c u m -
s t a n c e s b u t also t h r o u g h r e v e l a t i o n . W h e n e v e r s o m e t h i n g
h a p p e n s that is beyond coincidence, the chances are great that
t h e h a n d of G o d is at work. But d o e s G o d actually ever directly
s p e a k t o u s o r r e v e a l H i m s e l f t o us? T h e a n s w e r i s yes.
T h e m o s t c o m m o n way i s t h r o u g h H e r "still, s m a l l v o i c e . "
You m a y r e c a l l m y s t o r y a b o u t a f r i e n d o f m i n e — a w o m a n i n
h e r t h i r t i e s — w h o w e n t r u n n i n g o n e m o r n i n g j u s t a s s h e was
p r e p a r i n g t o leave h o m e t o g o t o work. S h e h a d n ' t p l a n n e d t o
r u n , b u t c o u l d n o t s h a k e t h a t still, s m a l l v o i c e u r g i n g h e r t o d o
so. As a result of following t h e g u i d a n c e of t h a t voice a n d t h e
h e a l i n g o f t h e e x p e r i e n c e , w h e n s h e r e c o u n t e d i t t o m e a few
days l a t e r s h e e x c l a i m e d w i t h e x h i l a r a t i o n , "To t h i n k t h a t t h e
Creator of the whole universe would take time o u t to go run-

n i n g with m e ! "
M y c l e a r e s t , r e c e n t e n c o u n t e r w i t h G o d ' s still, s m a l l v o i c e
o c c u r r e d i n e a r l y fall 1 9 9 5 , after I h a d c o m p l e t e d t h e first d r a f t
of my n o v e l In Heaven as on Earth a n d it h a d b e e n a c c e p t e d f o r
p u b l i c a t i o n . T h e m o m e n t f o r r e w r i t i n g was u p o n m e , a n d I h a d
a p r o b l e m . I n t h e first draft, I h a d u s e d myself a s t h e m a i n c h a r -
a c t e r a n d I was c e r t a i n this n e e d e d t o b e c h a n g e d i n t h e s e c o n d
draft. F o r t h e r e w r i t i n g I n e e d e d t o s t e p o u t s i d e myself a n d o t h -
e r w i s e i m p r o v e t h e d e v e l o p m e n t o f t h e c h a r a c t e r . Yet I've n e v e r
b e e n very g o o d a t s t e p p i n g o u t s i d e myself. M o r e o v e r , t h e n a -
ture of the plot d e m a n d e d that the main character be a m a n
v e r y m u c h like m e — s p e c i f i c a l l y , s o m e o n e w h o was a n i n t e l l e c -
tual with psychiatric t r a i n i n g a n d an a m a t e u r t h e o l o g i a n to
b o o t . I t was a p r o b l e m , i n d e e d , a n d I h a d n o t t h e f a i n t e s t i d e a
h o w t o solve it.
I t was a t this p o i n t o n e a f t e r n o o n , w h e n I was w o r k i n g o n
s o m e t h i n g else a n d m y p r o b l e m was o n t h e b a c k b u r n e r , t h a t I
h e a r d a still, s m a l l v o i c e say, " R e a d t h e B o o k of D a n i e l . " I s h o o k
m y h e a d slightly. I k n e w t h a t t h e B o o k o f D a n i e l was i n t h e O l d
T e s t a m e n t . A n d like a l m o s t every s c h o o l c h i l d , I k n e w t h a t
D a n i e l was a p r o p h e t w h o f o r s o m e r e a s o n h a d b e e n t h r o w n
i n t o t h e l i o n s ' d e n a n d h a d m a n a g e d b y G o d ' s g r a c e t o survive.
Beyond that I knew n o t h i n g . I h a d never read the Book of
Daniel. I h a d never h a d any i n t e n t i o n to, a n d I h a d absolutely
n o i d e a w h y this v o i c e s h o u l d b e t e l l i n g m e t o r e a d it. I s h o o k
my h e a d a n d r e t u r n e d to dictating letters.
T h e n e x t a f t e r n o o n , while s e a r c h i n g for s o m e p a p e r s i n
m y wife's office, t h e v o i c e c a m e b a c k . " R e a d t h e B o o k o f
Daniel," it repeated. This time I did not shake my head. Some-
w h a t e x p e r i e n c e d with t h e Holy Spirit's capacity for persis-
tence, I recognized that G o d might be n u d g i n g me toward
s o m e t h i n g , a l t h o u g h G o d o n l y k n e w w h a t o r why. Still, I was i n
no hurry.
A t n o o n t h e f o l l o w i n g day, w h i l e I was t a k i n g m y daily walk,
t h e v o i c e c a m e b a c k , e v e n m o r e i n s i s t e n t : "Scotty, when a r e y o u
g o i n g to r e a d t h e B o o k of Daniel?" it asked. So, as s o o n as I re-
t u r n e d , h a v i n g n o t h i n g m o r e clearly p r e s s i n g t o d o , I p u l l e d
o u t o n e o f o u r Bibles a n d r e a d t h e B o o k o f D a n i e l . I l e a r n e d
m a n y things. B u t t h e m o s t useful t h i n g for m e a t t h a t m o m e n t
was t h e r e a l i z a t i o n t h a t t h e r e w e r e d r a m a t i c p a r a l l e l s b e t w e e n
D a n i e l a n d myself. A l t h o u g h far t h e m o r e c o u r a g e o u s , faithful,
a n d n o b l e , h e , t o o , was clearly a n i n t e l l e c t u a l . A s a n i n t e r p r e t e r
o f d r e a m s h e b e c a m e s o m e t h i n g o f a p s y c h i a t r i s t , a n d later, a s a
p r o p h e t , s o m e t h i n g o f a t h e o l o g i a n . S o i t was t h a t m y o w n life
h a d e v o l v e d , a n d i t q u i c k l y d a w n e d o n m e t h a t I h a d t h e solu-
tion to my problem: henceforth the central character of my
n o v e l w o u l d b e a D a n i e l , n o t Scotty. A n d b o t h t h e s i m i l a r i t i e s
a n d t h e d i f f e r e n c e s b e t w e e n u s a l l o w e d m e t o s t e p o u t s i d e my-
self i n a m y r i a d o f little ways t o m a k e t h a t c h a r a c t e r b e l i e v a b l e .
T h i s e x a m p l e o f G o d ' s n u r t u r a n c e o f m e i s all t h e m o r e r e -
m a r k a b l e given t h a t I am n o t only a p o o r scholar in g e n e r a l b u t
a p a r t i c u l a r l y p o o r s t u d e n t o f t h e B i b l e . A s far a s t h e N e w Tes-
t a m e n t i s c o n c e r n e d , I've n e v e r b e e n a b l e t o g e t t h r o u g h R e v e -
l a t i o n a n d I've h a d h a r d s l e d d i n g w i t h t h e L e t t e r s . A s f o r t h e
O l d T e s t a m e n t , I've s i m p l y n o t r e a d m u c h o f it. A n d a s w i t h t h e
B o o k o f D a n i e l , I've n o t m u c h c a r e d t o . W h a t i s t o b e m a d e o f
this sort of p h e n o m e n o n ? M a n y w h o have written a b o u t cre-
ativity w i t h o u t m e n t i o n i n g G o d h a v e o f f e r e d e x a m p l e s o f h o w
t h e s o l u t i o n t o a difficult p r o b l e m c a n s u d d e n l y c o m e t o s o m e -
o n e w h e n s h e i s n o t actively t h i n k i n g a b o u t it. B u t i n t h e s e e x -
amples, the solution is immediately recognized a n d welcomed.
I t i s n o t e x p e r i e n c e d a s c o m i n g f r o m o u t s i d e oneself. Yet h e r e I
r e c e i v e d n o t a s o l u t i o n t o m y p r o b l e m b u t t h e gift o f a p a t h t o
t h e s o l u t i o n . T h e gift m a d e n o s e n s e t o m e ; I was u n a w a r e t h a t
i t h a d a n y r e l a t i o n t o m y p r o b l e m . I t was a p a t h I w o u l d n o t or-
d i n a r i l y h a v e f o l l o w e d . I d i d n o t w e l c o m e it. I n d e e d , m y f i r s t r e -
a c t i o n was t o r e j e c t t h e gift b e c a u s e i t s e e m e d s o a l i e n t o m y
ego.
A s p r o b l e m s g o , m i n e was n o t h u g e . A m I s u g g e s t i n g t h a t
G o d w o u l d g o o u t o f H e r way t o h e l p m e w i t h s u c h a relatively
s m a l l p r o b l e m ? Yes, t h a t i s e x a c t l y w h a t I a m s u g g e s t i n g . W h y
G o d s h o u l d c a r e a b o u t m e s o m u c h , I d o n o t really know. B u t
m i l l i o n s h a v e r e p o r t e d e x p e r i e n c e s s u c h a s I've d e s c r i b e d . A n d
for m e , t h e s e sorts of e x p e r i e n c e s of grace a n d revelation a r e

e v i d e n c e n o t o n l y o f t h e e x i s t e n c e o f G o d b u t also o f t h e fact
t h a t S h e n u r t u r e s u s o n a n o n g o i n g basis.
T o e x p e r i e n c e H e r "still, s m a l l v o i c e " i s a s t r a n g e p h e n o m -
e n o n . It is n o t in t h e least a great, b o o m i n g , m a s c u l i n e voice
f r o m h e a v e n . A s t h e B i b l e p u t s it, t h e v o i c e i s i n d e e d "still" a n d
" s m a l l " — s o small a n d s m a l l it is h a r d l y a v o i c e at all. It s e e m s to
o r i g i n a t e inside o f u s a n d for m a n y may b e indistinguishable
from a t h o u g h t . Only it is n o t their own t h o u g h t .
N o w o n d e r m a n y feel s o c o n f u s e d a b o u t d i s c e r n i n g revela-
t i o n s . T h e c l o s e n e s s b e t w e e n this " v o i c e " a n d a n o r d i n a r y
t h o u g h t calls f o r a w o r d o f c a u t i o n . O n e w o u l d b e ill-advised t o
g o a r o u n d a s c r i b i n g all o r m o s t o f o n e ' s t h o u g h t s t o b e t h e
w o r d o f G o d . T h a t c a n q u i c k l y l e a d t o insanity. B u t t h e r e a r e
s o m e g u i d e l i n e s f o r d i s c e r n m e n t . First, it's i m p o r t a n t t o t a k e
t i m e ( u n l e s s y o u a r e i n a n e m e r g e n c y s i t u a t i o n ) t o "reality-test"
w h e t h e r w h a t you h e a r m i g h t b e t h e voice o f t h e Holy Spirit o r
m e r e l y y o u r o w n t h o u g h t . A n d y o u will h a v e t h a t t i m e . I n d e e d ,
i f y o u d i s r e g a r d t h e v o i c e a t f i r s t , i t will a l m o s t always r e p e a t it-
self, a s d i d t h e u r g i n g t o r e a d D a n i e l . S e c o n d , this v o i c e o f t h e
H o l y S p i r i t ( o r C o m f o r t e r , a s J e s u s c a l l e d it) i s always c o n s t r u c -
tive, n e v e r d e s t r u c t i v e . I t m a y call u p o n y o u t o d o s o m e t h i n g
d i f f e r e n t , a n d t h a t m a y feel slightly risky, b u t i t w o n ' t b e a m a j o r
risk. I f y o u h e a r a v o i c e t e l l i n g y o u t o kill yourself, t o c h e a t o r
steal, or to b l o w all y o u r life savings on a y a c h t , g e t y o u r s e l f to a
psychiatrist.
O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , t h e v o i c e will u s u a l l y s e e m j u s t a little
b i t "crazy." T h i s i s w h a t d i s t i n g u i s h e s i t f r o m y o u r o w n t h o u g h t .
T h e r e is a faintly a l i e n q u a l i t y to it, as if it c a m e f r o m e l s e w h e r e
(which it d o e s ) . This is inevitable. T h e Holy Spirit d o e s n ' t n e e d
t o s p e a k t o u s t o tell u s s o m e t h i n g w e a l r e a d y k n o w o r t o p u s h
u s i n ways w e d o n ' t n e e d t o b e p u s h e d . I t c o m e s t o u s w i t h s o m e -
thing new and unexpected—to open us up and therefore, by
definition, to gently b r e a k t h r o u g h o u r existing b o u n d a r i e s
a n d barriers. Consequently, one's usual reaction u p o n first
h e a r i n g t h e voice of t h e Holy Spirit is to shake o n e ' s h e a d .
O n e o f t h e o t h e r ways G o d s p e a k s t o u s — a t t e m p t s t o n u r -
ture us—is t h r o u g h s o m e of o u r d r e a m s , particularly those that

C a r l J u n g l a b e l e d " b i g d r e a m s . " W h e n I was i n p r a c t i c e , s o m e o f
m y p a t i e n t s , a w a r e o f t h e fact t h a t d r e a m s c o u l d c o n t a i n a n -
swers t o t h e i r p r o b l e m s , avidly s o u g h t t h e s e a n s w e r s b y d e l i b e r -
ately, m e c h a n i c a l l y , a n d w i t h c o n s i d e r a b l e effort r e c o r d i n g
e a c h a n d every o n e of t h e i r d r e a m s in c o m p l e t e detail. B u t
t h e r e wasn't e n o u g h time in therapy to analyze m o s t d r e a m s ;
besides, I f o u n d that such voluminous d r e a m material could
p r e v e n t w o r k i n m o r e fruitful a r e a s o f analysis. S u c h p a t i e n t s
h a d t o b e t a u g h t t o s t o p s e a r c h i n g after t h e i r d r e a m s a n d t o l e t
their d r e a m s c o m e to t h e m , to let their u n c o n s c i o u s c h o o s e
w h i c h d r e a m s s h o u l d e n t e r c o n s c i o u s n e s s . T h i s t e a c h i n g itself
was q u i t e difficult, d e m a n d i n g t h a t t h e p a t i e n t give u p a c e r t a i n
a m o u n t o f c o n t r o l a n d a s s u m e a m o r e passive r e l a t i o n s h i p t o
his o r h e r own m i n d . B u t o n c e a p a t i e n t l e a r n e d t o m a k e n o
c o n s c i o u s effort t o c l u t c h a t d r e a m s , t h e r e m e m b e r e d d r e a m
m a t e r i a l c o u l d n o t o n l y d e c r e a s e i n q u a n t i t y b u t also d r a m a t i -
cally i n c r e a s e i n quality. T h e r e s u l t t h e n c o u l d b e a n o p p o r t u -
nity f o r t h e p a t i e n t ' s d r e a m s — t h e s e gifts f r o m t h e u n c o n s c i o u s
n o w n o l o n g e r s o u g h t f o r — t o e l e g a n t l y facilitate t h e h e a l i n g
process.
I also h a d p a t i e n t s w h o e n t e r e d p s y c h o t h e r a p y w i t h a b -
solutely n o awareness o r u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e i m m e n s e value
t h a t d r e a m s c o u l d h a v e t o t h e m . C o n s e q u e n t l y , t h e y w o u l d dis-
c a r d f r o m c o n s c i o u s n e s s all d r e a m m a t e r i a l a s w o r t h l e s s a n d
unimportant. These patients h a d to be taught to r e m e m b e r
their d r e a m s a n d t h e n h o w t o a p p r e c i a t e a n d perceive t h e trea-
s u r e w i t h i n t h e m . T o utilize d r e a m s effectively, w e m u s t w o r k t o
be aware of their value a n d to take advantage of t h e m w h e n
they c o m e to us. A n d we m u s t work s o m e t i m e s at n o t seeking
t h e m o r e x p e c t i n g t h e m . W e m u s t l e t t h e m b e t r u e gifts. T h a t i s
what J u n g m e a n t by a "big d r e a m . " It is o n e t h a t almost shrieks
to us, " R e m e m b e r m e ! "
W h y a r e s o m a n y i m m u n e t o t h e e v i d e n c e — t h a t still, s m a l l
voice a n d o u r d r e a m s , a m o n g o t h e r t h i n g s — o f grace a n d reve-
lation? I believe t h e r e are two p r i m a r y reasons. O n e is that p e o -
ple are t h r e a t e n e d by c h a n g e . Most with either a fundamentalist
o r s e c u l a r m i n d - s e t a r e s i m p l y n o t likely t o b e o p e n t o t h e evi-
d e n c e t h a t c o u l d call t h e i r m i n d - s e t i n t o q u e s t i o n . T h e o t h e r i s
that t h e r e is s o m e t h i n g particularly frightening a b o u t seriously
a c k n o w l e d g i n g G o d for t h e f i r s t t i m e . W i t h t h e d e t h r o n e m e n t
o f o n e ' s e g o i n v o l v e d i n favor o f p u t t i n g G o d i n t h e l e a d o f o u r
lives, t h e r e i s a d i s t i n c t loss o f c o n t r o l (as t h e r e was i n c o m i n g t o
t e r m s with my own r e c o u n t e d "big d r e a m " of G o d d o i n g t h e
driving).
F o r m a n y secularists, t h e rejection of any e v i d e n c e of G o d
i s n o t s i m p l y a n e u t r a l o r passive s o r t o f p h e n o m e n o n . I t i s c o m -
m o n t h e s e days t o s p e a k , f o r e x a m p l e , o f a d d i c t s a n d o t h e r s
w h o r e j e c t massive e v i d e n c e o f t h e i r p r o b l e m a s b e i n g " i n d e -
n i a l . " S u c h d e n i a l is a fiercely active p s y c h o l o g i c a l p r o c e s s . In
this respect, I believe we can t h i n k of s o m e secularists as b e i n g
a d d i c t e d t o t h e i r s e c u l a r i s m . O r f u n d a m e n t a l i s t s t o t h e i r sim-
plism. No a m o u n t of challenging evidence is going to c h a n g e
their m i n d s . It isn't simply t h a t they d o n ' t have t h e s a m e access
t o G o d a s e v e r y o n e else h a s ; i t i s t h a t t h e y h a v e c h o s e n t o a v o i d
a n d d e n y it.
T H E E G O AND THE S O U L
I n m a n y ways, t h e a c c e p t a n c e o f a n y e v i d e n c e o f G o d involves a
battle b e t w e e n the e g o a n d the soul. Earlier I defined the soul
as "a God-created, God-nurtured, unique, developable, immor-
tal h u m a n spirit." E a c h o f t h e s e m o d i f i e r s i s c r u c i a l . O f p a r t i c u -
lar i m p o r t a n c e is t h a t t h e soul is " G o d - n u r t u r e d , " by w h i c h I
m e a n that not only did G o d create us at the m o m e n t of o u r
conception but that God, t h r o u g h grace, continues to n u r t u r e
u s t h r o u g h o u t o u r lives. I b e l i e v e t h e r e w o u l d b e n o p u r p o s e i n
H e r d o i n g s o unless S h e w a n t e d s o m e t h i n g f r o m us: t h e devel-
o p m e n t of o u r souls. B u t h o w a r e souls different from egos?
I have previously described the e g o as t h e governing p a r t
o f o u r p e r s o n a l i t y . E g o d e v e l o p m e n t — t h e m a t u r a t i o n o f this
g o v e r n o r — i s very m u c h r e l a t e d t o t h e d e v e l o p m e n t o f o u r con-
sciousness. W h e n p e o p l e speak of s o m e o n e ' s "ego," what is usu-
ally r e f e r r e d t o i s s o m e o n e ' s self-image, s e l f - p e r c e p t i o n , a n d

will. T h i s e n c o m p a s s e s n o t o n l y s o m e p e r s o n a l i t y c h a r a c t e r i s t i c s
( o f t e n o u r m o r e n e g a t i v e a n d d e f e n s i v e o n e s ) b u t also w h a t w e
t h i n k a b o u t a n d v a l u e i n life. L i k e t h e s o u l , o u r e g o c a n grow,
c h a n g e , a n d d e v e l o p , b u t t h a t d o e s n ' t m e a n i t will.
O n e of the biggest differences between the soul a n d the
ego is that the ego is closer to the surface of w h o we are or be-
lieve o u r s e l v e s t o b e , w h e r e a s t h e s o u l g o e s d e e p e r , t o t h e c o r e
o f o u r b e i n g — s o d e e p t h a t w e m a y n o t b e a w a r e o f it. T h i s was
t h e case w h e n I m a d e t h e decision to quit Exeter, t h e p r e p
s c h o o l I h a d a t t e n d e d f o r two a n d a h a l f y e a r s . I r e c o u n t e d
s o m e of t h e d e t a i l s of this s t o r y in a p r e v i o u s c h a p t e r , as I o f t e n
have elsewhere, because it m a r k e d the b e g i n n i n g of my en-
c o u n t e r with my soul.
E v e r y o n e h a s a s e n s e of t h e i r o w n "I," a s e n s e of I-dentity.
T h i s " I " i s s o m e t i m e s r e f e r r e d t o a s t h e e g o , s o m e t i m e s t h e self.
M y e g o w a n t e d t o p l e a s e m y p a r e n t s , t o t o u g h i t o u t a n d follow
in my b r o t h e r ' s footsteps in g r a d u a t i n g from Exeter. I h a d
w a n t e d t o g o t o E x e t e r . I w a n t e d myself t o s u c c e e d t h e r e . I m o s t
definitely d i d n ' t w a n t to be a quitter. But if I d i d n ' t w a n t to quit,
t h e n who was d o i n g it? G r a d u a l l y I f o u n d myself u n a b l e o r u n -
willing t o d o w h a t I t h o u g h t I w a n t e d t o , e v e n t h o u g h i t w a s n ' t
c l e a r t o m e w h y a t t h e t i m e . Obviously, s o m e t h i n g was g o i n g o n
i n s i d e o f m e t h a t was d i f f e r e n t f r o m w h a t m y W A S P u p b r i n g i n g
h a d trained me to want.
M o s t p s y c h i a t r i s t s w o u l d s i m p l y say t h a t m y e g o was c o n -
f l i c t e d . S o m e w o u l d say m o r e specifically t h a t m y e g o was i n
c o n f l i c t w i t h m y t r u e self, i m p l y i n g t h a t t h e self i s s o m e h o w
larger a n d d e e p e r than the ego. T h e latter explanation I can
live w i t h , b u t i t s e e m s t o m e t o b e g t h e q u e s t i o n . W h a t i s this
"true s e l f ? W h y d o e s n ' t it get defined? C o u l d it be the soul, a n d
i f so, w h y i s n ' t i t i d e n t i f i e d a s s u c h ? A n d w h a t m i g h t b e t h e def-
i n i t i o n o f t h e soul?
S e c u l a r psychiatrists w o u l d say t h a t t h e t r u e s e l f — t h e w h o l e
self—is a c o n g l o m e r a t e o f p s y c h i c c o m p o n e n t s : t h e id, e g o , a n d
superego; the conscious a n d the unconscious; the genetically
determined t e m p e r a m e n t and our accumulated experiential
l e a r n i n g . No w o n d e r I m i g h t have b e e n in conflict, h a v i n g so
m a n y different parts! T h e s e parts are real, a n d can i n d e e d be in
c o n f l i c t . M o r e o v e r , effective p s y c h o t h e r a p y c a n b e a c c o m -
p l i s h e d u s i n g this " c o n g l o m e r a t e " m o d e l . T h e p r o b l e m was
t h a t I d i d n ' t feel like a w a l k i n g c o n g l o m e r a t e a t E x e t e r . A n d
strangely, t h e o l d e r I g r e w a n d t h e m o r e I r e c o g n i z e d t h e r e a l -
ity of t h e s e d i f f e r e n t p a r t s of m e , t h e less I felt like a c o n g l o m -
e r a t e . I felt s o m e t h i n g d e e p e r yet was g o i n g o n , s o m e t h i n g v e r y
i m p o r t a n t t h a t s o m e h o w m a d e m e l a r g e r t h a n myself. I h a d
c o m e to r e c o g n i z e t h a t I h a d a soul.
It's i m p o r t a n t t o b e a r i n m i n d t h a t s o u l s a n d e g o s , b e i n g
d i f f e r e n t p h e n o m e n a , n a t u r a l l y o p e r a t e o n d i f f e r e n t levels. Al-
t h o u g h I believe the distinction between the soul a n d the e g o is
b o t h valid a n d i m p o r t a n t , this d o e s n ' t m e a n t h e r e i s n o i n t e r -
a c t i o n b e t w e e n t h e two. I s t r o n g l y b e l i e v e t h a t a c o n v e r s i o n —
c h a n g e a n d g r o w t h — i n t h e s o u l will d r a m a t i c a l l y c h a n g e c e r t a i n
ways i n w h i c h t h e e g o f u n c t i o n s , a n d will d o s o f o r t h e b e t t e r .
Similarly, I also b e l i e v e t h a t e g o l e a r n i n g will e n c o u r a g e s o u l
d e v e l o p m e n t . But exactly h o w the soul a n d e g o interact re-
mains mysterious.
Most secularists a c k n o w l e d g e the u n i q u e n e s s of p e r s o n s
b u t s e e n o n e e d t o m a k e a n y "mystical" d i s t i n c t i o n b e t w e e n t h e
soul a n d t h e ego. "Since everyone has a u n i q u e genetic com-
p l e m e n t a s well a s t h e i r o w n u n i q u e set o f life e x p e r i e n c e s , "
t h e y a r e likely t o say, " n a t u r a l l y e v e r y b o d y ' s e g o i s d i f f e r e n t . " T o
t h e c o n t r a r y , t h e r e s e e m s t o m e t o b e a relative s a m e n e s s a m o n g
e g o s , w h i l e h u m a n s o u l s a r e u n i q u e . Yet w h i l e I c a n tell y o u a l o t
a b o u t t h e e g o , I c a n tell y o u v e r y little a b o u t t h e s o u l . A l t h o u g h
egos can be described in general, almost banal terms, the
u n i q u e n e s s of each individual's soul c a n n o t be adequately cap-
t u r e d i n w o r d s . T h e s o u l i s o n e ' s t r u e s p i r i t a n d , like G o d , i t i s a
spirit too slippery to c a p t u r e .
T h e u n i q u e n e s s o f t h e s o u l s h o w s itself m o s t w h e n e v e r
s o m e o n e seriously elects a p a t h of psychospiritual g r o w t h for
t h e r e m a i n d e r of his or h e r lifetime. It is as if p s y c h o p a t h o l o g y
o f t h e e g o i s like m u d , a n d t h e m o r e i t g e t s c l e a r e d away, t h e
m o r e t h e s o u l u n d e r n e a t h will s h i n e f o r t h i n glory, i n a d i s t i n c t
p a t t e r n o f g l o r i o u s c o l o r t h a t c a n b e f o u n d n o w h e r e else o n
earth. A n d while I am certain that G o d creates a h u m a n soul
d i f f e r e n t l y e a c h a n d e v e r y t i m e , this d o e s n ' t m e a n t h e r e a r e n o
unanswerable questions. Nonetheless, however mysterious, the
process of soul creation is individualized. T h e u n i q u e n e s s of
individual persons is u n d e n i a b l e (except at peril to your own
s o u l ) a n d c a n n o t b e e x p l a i n e d b y m e r e p s y c h o l o g y o r biology.
T h e s e c u l a r t e n d e n c y t o d e n y t h e s o u l i s also a d e n i a l o f
t h e h e a r t . T h e r e i s a self-fulfilling q u a l i t y i n s e c u l a r i s m ; t h e
t h i n k i n g g o e s : " S i n c e G o d d o e s n ' t exist, I will d i s c o u n t a n y evi-
d e n c e that hints at God." It is hardly surprising, then, that those
i n d i v i d u a l s w h o a r e c u t off f r o m a s e n s e o f t h e i r o w n s o u l a r e
also q u i c k t o d i s m i s s t h e h u m a n h e a r t . W h e n t h e r e ' s a l a c k o f
i n t e g r a t i o n o f o n e ' s f e e l i n g s a n d t h i n k i n g — a d i s t r u s t o f feel-
ings—the result is often the denial of one's own heart.
T h e c a s e of T h e o d o r e in The Road Less Traveled was an ex-
a m p l e . In t h e c o u r s e of his t r e a t m e n t , I asked h i m to listen to
Neil D i a m o n d ' s s o u n d t r a c k for " J o n a t h a n Livingston Seagull."
It is a p r o f o u n d l y spiritual work of music, a n d I h a d h o p e d it
w o u l d n u d g e T h e o d o r e a bit in t h e direction of spiritual
g r o w t h . B u t h e c o u l d n ' t s t a n d it. H e c a l l e d t h e m u s i c "disgust-
ingly s e n t i m e n t a l , " w o r d s w h i c h , I b e l i e v e , r e v e a l e d h i s rejec-
tion of his own h e a r t at the time.
I r e c o g n i z e t h a t n o t e v e r y o n e will h a v e t h e s a m e e x p e r i -
e n c e or s t r o n g reaction to songs I find soul-stirring. But at t h e
very least, i f s o m e o n e i s i n t o u c h w i t h h i s o w n h e a r t , h e will
m a k e s o m e r o o m f o r s e n t i m e n t a l i t y , will h a v e a soft s p o t f o r t h e
things t h a t m a t t e r m o s t t o h i m . For t h o s e w h o a r e spiritually
oriented, t h e body, m i n d , a n d h e a r t are viewed as integral parts
of their whole being. They are n o t a s h a m e d to be "softhearted";
o n t h e c o n t r a r y , t h e y w o r r y m o s t d u r i n g t h o s e t i m e s w h e n cir-
cumstances seem to d e m a n d that they be coldhearted.
I h a v e w r i t t e n t h a t this d i v o r c e b e t w e e n t h e h e a d a n d
heart, b e t w e e n intellect a n d e m o t i o n , is a c o m m o n spiritual
condition a m o n g sophisticated twentieth-century m e n a n d
w o m e n . I have f o u n d m a n y p e o p l e , for e x a m p l e , to be Chris-
tians in their hearts while they are simultaneously intellectual
a t h e i s t s ; s o m e t i m e s it is t h e o t h e r way a r o u n d . It is t r u l y a pity.
T h e former p e o p l e — m a n y of w h o m are generous, gentle, hon-
est, a n d d e d i c a t e d t o t h e i r fellow h u m a n b e i n g s — a r e o f t e n
f i l l e d w i t h d e s p a i r , f i n d i n g little m e a n i n g i n e x i s t e n c e a n d a t
t h e s a m e t i m e d e n y i n g t h e j o y f u l o r s o o t h i n g voices o f t h e i r
heart, labeling the heart's messages sentimental, unrealistic, or
c h i l d i s h . L a c k i n g faith i n t h e i r i n n e r m o s t selves, t h e y a r e h u r t -
ing unnecessarily.
T h e deepest healing occurs not in the mind, but in the
h e a r t or soul. A n d if t h e h e a r t is " h a r d e n e d , " no words can p e n -
e t r a t e it. C o n v e r s e l y , w h e n o n e h a s u n d e r g o n e w h a t t h e p i t h y
O l d T e s t a m e n t Jews called a circumcision of t h e h e a r t , t h e real-
ity o f G o d ' s h e a l i n g p r e s e n c e i n o u r l i v e s — a n d t h e r e s t o f t h e
w o r l d — b e c o m e s less difficult t o a c k n o w l e d g e .
KENOSIS
W h e n I w r o t e in The Road Less Traveled t h a t t h e p u r p o s e of

g r o w t h was f o r u s t o b e c o m e m o r e c o n s c i o u s a n d , i n t u r n ,
evolve, I s u g g e s t e d t h a t this e v o l u t i o n a r y p a t h i n h u m a n life
points directly to God. G o d wants us to learn a n d develop in
t h i s life a n d , I b e l i e v e , a c t u a l l y n u r t u r e s u s i n d o i n g s o . B u t
w h e n I w e n t o n t o s u g g e s t t h a t G o d u l t i m a t e l y w a n t s u s t o evolve
toward becoming God—like God—that statement caused a
great deal of theological indigestion. It s e e m e d to be a poten-
tially S a t a n i c n o t i o n . A f t e r all, d i d n o t S a t a n t h i n k h e c o u l d b e
like G o d o r a s g o o d a s G o d ?
I c o u l d have p r e v e n t e d m u c h of this indigestion h a d I
g o n e o n t o write a b o u t t h e great p a r a d o x involved. T h e para-
d o x i s t h a t w e o u r s e l v e s c a n n o t b e c o m e like G o d e x c e p t b y
b u m p i n g o u r s e l v e s off, e x c e p t t h r o u g h t h e h u m i l i t y o f e m p t i -
ness. T h e r e is an i m p o r t a n t w o r d in theology for this e n d e a v o r :
k e n o s i s , w h i c h i s t h e p r o c e s s o f t h e self e m p t y i n g itself o f self. I t
i s t h e e s s e n c e o f t h e m e s s a g e o f t h e g r e a t s p i r i t u a l m a s t e r s , like
B u d d h a a n d C h r i s t , t h r o u g h o u t h u m a n history. W e n e e d t o
p a r e away o u r e g o s . T h e p a r a d o x t h a t " W h o s o e v e r will l o s e h i s
life f o r M y s a k e shall f i n d it" c a n b e p a r a p h r a s e d a s " W h o e v e r i s

willing t o l o s e h i s e g o will f i n d h i s s o u l . "
T h e i m a g e u s e d in Christianity for t h e goal of t h e k e n o t i c
p r o c e s s i s t h a t o f t h e e m p t y vessel. W e n e e d t o r e t a i n e n o u g h o f
o u r e g o — t h e g o v e r n i n g p a r t of o u r personality—to be a func-
t i o n i n g c o n t a i n e r . O t h e r w i s e , w e w o u l d h a v e n o i d e n t i t y a t all.
Beyond that, however, the whole p o i n t of spiritual growth is to
g e t r i d o f o u r e g o sufficiently t o b e c o m e e m p t y e n o u g h t o b e
f i l l e d w i t h G o d ' s Spirit, w i t h o u r t r u e s o u l . T h a t this i s p o s s i b l e
was e x p r e s s e d b y St. P a u l w h e n h e said, " I live n o w n o t w i t h m y
o w n life b u t t h e life o f C h r i s t J e s u s living i n m e . "
S o w e h a v e r e t u r n e d o n c e a g a i n t o this c r u c i a l m a t t e r o f
e m p t i n e s s . I t will b e r e m e m b e r e d t h a t I s p o k e o f i t a s t h e key t o
t h e u n l e a r n i n g a n d r e l e a r n i n g t h a t w e m u s t g o t h r o u g h all o u r
lives i f w e a r e t o g r o w a n d t o b e c o m e a s h e a l e d a n d fully h u m a n
a s p o s s i b l e . I t will also b e r e m e m b e r e d t h a t I s p o k e o f h o w
m u c h this u n l e a r n i n g feels like d y i n g . I n y e a r s p a s t , m o n k s a n d
n u n s routinely e n g a g e d in a practice called mortification. T h e
w o r d i s d e r i v e d f r o m t h e L a t i n mortis, " d e a t h , " a n d m e a n s " t h e
d i s c i p l i n e o f daily d y i n g . " W h i l e t h e y m a y h a v e o v e r d o n e i t w i t h
self-flagellation a n d t h e w e a r i n g o f h a i r s h i r t s , n o n e t h e l e s s t h e y
w e r e o n t o s o m e t h i n g . T h r o u g h m o r t i f i c a t i o n , t h e y w e r e at-
t e m p t i n g to practice kenosis.
I h a v e a l s o r e f e r r e d t o t h e fact t h a t n o t o n l y i n d i v i d u a l s
b u t also g r o u p s n e e d t o g o t h r o u g h t h i s k e n o t i c p r o c e s s o f self-
e m p t y i n g i n o r d e r t o b e c o m e a n d stay h e a l t h y . I n o t e d t h a t t h e
c r u c i a l s t a g e o f t h e c o m m u n i t y - b u i l d i n g p r o c e s s w e h a v e la-
b e l e d " e m p t i n e s s . " N o w i t i s t i m e t o d e s c r i b e all t h e s t a g e s o f
growth that routinely occur w h e n groups deliberately attempt
to form themselves into communities.
Pseudocommunity
In o r d e r to avoid t h e p a i n of u n l e a r n i n g a n d c h a n g e , w h e n
groups assemble to form community, they first attempt to pre-
t e n d t h a t they already a r e a c o m m u n i t y . T h e basic p r e t e n s e is
t h a t all t h e m e m b e r s a r e t h e s a m e , a p r e t e n s e t h a t i s s u s t a i n e d
b y t h e p r a c t i c e o f a n u n w r i t t e n set o f r u l e s t h a t e v e r y o n e k n o w s :
g o o d m a n n e r s . I n this s t a g e , t h e m e m b e r s a r e e x q u i s i t e l y p o l i t e
to e a c h o t h e r in o r d e r to avoid any d i s a g r e e m e n t in their desire
t o d e n y t h e i r i n d i v i d u a l d i f f e r e n c e s . B u t t h e reality i s t h a t p e o -
p l e , w i t h t h e i r u n i q u e s o u l s a s well a s e g o s , a r e all d i f f e r e n t ,
w h i c h i s w h y w e call this p r e t e n s e o f s a m e n e s s p s e u d o c o m m u -
nity.
Chaos
O n c e i n d i v i d u a l d i f f e r e n c e s a r e a l l o w e d (or, a s i n t h e c o m m u -
nity-building process, e n c o u r a g e d ) to surface, t h e g r o u p goes
a b o u t t h e business of trying to obliterate those differences. T h e
p r i m a r y m e t h o d u s e d i s " h e a l i n g , " "fixing," o r " c o n v e r t i n g . " B u t
p e o p l e d o n o t like t o b e easily h e a l e d o r f i x e d , s o i n a s h o r t t i m e
t h e victims t u r n a r o u n d a n d start t r y i n g t o h e a l t h e s e l f - a p p o i n t e d
h e a l e r s a n d t o c o n v e r t t h e s e l f - a p p o i n t e d c o n v e r t e r s . I t i s glori-
o u s c h a o s . I t i s also noisy, a r g u m e n t a t i v e , a n d u n p r o d u c t i v e . N o
o n e i s l i s t e n i n g t o a n y o n e else.
Emptiness
T h e r e a r e o n l y t h r e e ways o u t o f c h a o s . O n e i s t o r e v e r t t o a n
even m o r e p r o f o u n d pseudocommunity. A n o t h e r is to organize
away c h a o s b y c r e a t i n g c o m m i t t e e s a n d s u b c o m m i t t e e s ; b u t
s u c h o r g a n i z a t i o n i s n e v e r i n a n d o f itself " c o m m u n i t y . " T h e
t h i r d way, w e tell g r o u p s , i s " i n t o a n d t h r o u g h e m p t i n e s s . " I f a
sufficient n u m b e r o f t h e m e m b e r s o f t h e g r o u p h e a r us, w h a t
t h e n b e g i n s to h a p p e n is a very painful, g r a d u a l process of t h e
m e m b e r s emptying themselves of the barriers to c o m m u n i c a -
tion. T h e most c o m m o n barriers include expectations, precon-
ceptions, prejudices, rigidity of ideology or theology, a n d t h e
n e e d s t o h e a l , c o n v e r t , f i x , o r solve. A s t h e g r o u p e n t e r s this
s t a g e o f e m p t i n e s s — t h e m o s t critical s t a g e o f its l e a r n i n g — i t
l o o k s very m u c h like a n o r g a n i s m t h a t h a s totally lost its way.
I n d e e d , t h e f e e l i n g i s like d y i n g . T h i s i s t h e t i m e o f k e n o s i s . B u t
if t h e g r o u p can h a n g in t h e r e t o g e t h e r — a s , amazingly, occurs
a l m o s t all t h e t i m e w i t h p r o p e r l e a d e r s h i p — t h i s w o r k o f k e n o -
sis o r d y i n g will s u c c e e d , a n d f r o m i t r e n e w a l will e m e r g e .
Community
W h e n a group's death has b e e n completed a n d it is o p e n a n d

e m p t y , i t e n t e r s c o m m u n i t y . I n t h i s f i n a l s t a g e a soft q u i e t n e s s
descends. It is a kind of peace, often p r e c e d e d a n d followed by
an a b u n d a n c e of individual expressions of personal experi-
e n c e s a n d e m o t i o n s , t e a r s o f s a d n e s s a n d t e a r s o f joy. T h i s i s
when an extraordinary a m o u n t of healing and converting be-
gins to o c c u r — n o w that no o n e is deliberately trying to convert
or heal. F r o m this p o i n t , t r u e c o m m u n i t y is b o r n .
N o t e v e r y g r o u p t h a t b e c o m e s a c o m m u n i t y follows t h i s
p a r a d i g m exactly. C o m m u n i t i e s t h a t t e m p o r a r i l y f o r m i n r e -
s p o n s e t o crisis, f o r e x a m p l e , m a y s k i p o v e r o n e o r m o r e s t a g e s
for t h e t i m e b e i n g . A n d a l t h o u g h I have s p o k e n glowingly of
the virtues of c o m m u n i t y w h e n barriers to c o m m u n i c a t i o n are
finally t r a n s c e n d e d , this d o e s n o t by any m e a n s suggest t h a t it is
n o w all easy. O n c e c o m m u n i t y i s a c h i e v e d , d e p e n d i n g o n a
g r o u p ' s g o a l s a n d tasks, m a i n t a i n i n g i t will b e c o m e a n o n g o i n g
challenge. But the experience of having grown from emptiness
leaves a l a s t i n g i m p r i n t . A n d t h e m o s t c o m m o n e m o t i o n a l r e -
s p o n s e t o t h e s p i r i t o f t r u e c o m m u n i t y i s j o y a n d love.
PRAYER AND FAITH
Everyone prays. T h e m o s t d i e h a r d secularists pray i n m o m e n t s

o f a g o n y o r ecstasy, e v e n i f t h e y a r e n o t a w a r e o f it. Instinctively,
t h e y will c r y o u t d u r i n g o r g a s m : " O h , G o d ! " o r " O h , C h r i s t ! "
Similarly, w h e n t h e y a r e lying i n b e d r a c k e d w i t h t h e flu, e v e r y
b o n e a c h i n g , t h e y a r e likely t o m o a n , " O h , G o d . " O r t h e i r
t h o u g h t s t u r n to G o d in m o m e n t s of terror, a p h e n o m e n o n
t h a t has led to t h e f a m o u s saying " T h e r e are no atheists in t h e
foxholes." O n e o f t h e differences b e t w e e n secularists a n d those
of religious or spiritual p e r s u a s i o n is t h a t we (the latter) occa-
sionally t h i n k a b o u t G o d d u r i n g t h e 9 9 . 5 p e r c e n t o f t h e t i m e
w h e n w e ' r e n o t i n a g o n y o r ecstasy.
But what is prayer? T i m e a n d again I must p o i n t o u t to peo-
p l e t h a t t h e r e a r e m a n y t h i n g s i n life, s u c h a s c o n s c i o u s n e s s ,
c o m m u n i t y , love, a n d s o u l — a l l o f w h i c h h a v e s o m e t h i n g t o d o
with G o d — t h a t are too large to s u b m i t to any single, a d e q u a t e
definition. P e o p l e have b e e n p r a y i n g for millennia, a n d o n e
w o u l d t h i n k t h a t t h e o l o g i a n s w o u l d h a v e a r r i v e d a t a fully a d e -
q u a t e definition of prayer, b u t they have not.
Most p e o p l e think of prayer as simply "speaking to God."
T h i s d e f i n i t i o n i s n o t all t h a t b a d a s l o n g a s w e r e a l i z e t h a t t h e r e
a r e i n n u m e r a b l e ways o f s p e a k i n g t o G o d . H e n c e , s u c h p r a y e r
c a n b e d i v i d e d i n t o m a n y types: g r o u p p r a y e r a n d i n d i v i d u a l
prayer; formal a n d informal prayer; prayers of praise a n d ado-
ration a n d gratitude; prayers of r e p e n t a n c e a n d forgiveness; pe-
t i t i o n a r y p r a y e r s f o r o t h e r s o r f o r oneself, a n d s o o n . I w o u l d
also classify m e d i t a t i o n a s p r a y e r , a n d a g a i n t h e r e a r e m a n y
k i n d s o f m e d i t a t i o n . W h i l e n o t all k i n d s w o u l d b e d e f i n e d a s
self-emptying, I believe t h e best forms of m e d i t a t i o n a r e those
w h e n we deliberately quiet a n d e m p t y ourselves in o r d e r to be
a b l e t o l i s t e n t o G o d o r for G o d . T h i s d o e s n ' t m e a n t h a t G o d
will a n s w e r . S p i r i t u a l e x p e r i e n c e s a r e a c t u a l l y u n l i k e l y t o h a p -
p e n to o n e w h e n praying, b u t m a n y of us have a sense that an
active p r a y e r life i n c r e a s e s t h e c h a n c e s o f h a v i n g — a n d identify-
ing—spiritual experiences at o t h e r times.
T h e n t h e r e i s t h e m a t t e r o f t h i n k i n g a n d its r e l a t i o n s h i p t o
p r a y e r . T h i n k i n g well c a n a n d d o e s m e r g e i n t o p r a y e r . Al-
t h o u g h n o t w h o l l y a d e q u a t e , m y favorite d e f i n i t i o n o f p r a y e r —
o n e that d o e s n ' t even m e n t i o n God—is that of Matthew Fox. As
I m e n t i o n e d m u c h earlier, F o x defines p r a y e r as "a radical re-
s p o n s e t o t h e m y s t e r i e s o f life." M o s t o f m y t i m e a t p r a y e r , I a m
n o t so m u c h talking to G o d or listening to G o d as I am just
thinking, b u t d o i n g so with G o d in m i n d . Before I can r e s p o n d
radically t o t h e m y s t e r i e s o f life, I f i r s t h a v e t o t h i n k a b o u t t h e m
d e e p l y , a s well a s t h i n k a b o u t t h e m y s t e r i e s o f m y o w n life a n d
the whole range of potential options of response to them.
" G o d , I w o n d e r h o w this l o o k s to Y o u . . . t h r o u g h Y o u r eyes?" I
am p o n d e r i n g . This type of prayer is often r e f e r r e d to as con-

templative prayer. A n d usually it is wordless. O n e of t h e reasons
I like F o x ' s d e f i n i t i o n s o m u c h i s its i m p l i c a t i o n t h a t p r a y e r ul-
t i m a t e l y n e e d s t o b e t r a n s l a t e d i n t o a c t i o n , b u t I myself f i n d I
c a n n o t a c t well e x c e p t o u t o f c o n t e m p l a t i o n .
T h e r e is great virtue in r o u t i n e prayer. A l t h o u g h I am a
C h r i s t i a n , I b e l i e v e all t h e o t h e r g r e a t r e l i g i o n s h a v e s o m e k e r -
n e l o f t r u t h t h a t C h r i s t i a n i t y m a y lack, a n d h e n c e s o m e ways o f
d o i n g i t b e t t e r . T h e little b i t o f I s l a m i c t h e o l o g y I h a v e r e a d
seems to c o n t a i n t h e w o r d " r e m e m b e r " with u n u s u a l frequency.
I t h i n k it is no accident that t h e Muslims build towers in their
t o w n s a n d cry o u t t o t h e faithful f i v e t i m e s a d a y t o r e m i n d t h e m
to pray—and, by praying, to r e m e m b e r God. T h e ordinary Mus-
l i m b e l i e v e r d o e s a s a m a t t e r o f daily r o u t i n e w h a t o n l y h i g h l y
contemplative Christian m o n k s a n d n u n s do.
Although t h e r e is great virtue in b o t h public a n d formal
prayer, my g e n e r a l p r e f e r e n c e is for private, p e r s o n a l prayer.
Rightly or wrongly, I suspect t h a t t h e m o r e p e r s o n a l o u r prayers
a r e , t h e m o r e G o d likes t h e m . B u t p r a y e r i s a two-way s t r e e t . F o r
o u r prayers to be p e r s o n a l ( e x c e p t in m o m e n t s of a g o n y or ec-
stasy) , w e n e e d t o h a v e a t l e a s t s o m e s m i d g e n o f b e l i e f t h a t
there is a Person at the o t h e r e n d w h o is going to h e a r a n d pos-
sibly r e s p o n d . T h i s b r i n g s u s t o t h e m a t t e r o f faith a n d its rela-
t i o n s h i p t o p r a y e r . W h y a " P e r s o n " a t t h e o t h e r e n d ? W h e n I was
i n c o l l e g e , m y favorite q u o t a t i o n was a r e m a r k o f V o l t a i r e ' s :
"God created m a n i n His own image, a n d t h e n m a n went a n d
r e t u r n e d t h e c o m p l i m e n t . " V o l t a i r e was r e f e r r i n g t o o u r t e n -
dency to a n t h r o p o m o r p h i z e G o d as a m a n or a w o m a n with
b o d i l y f e a t u r e s . I t s e e m e d t o m e t h a t G o d m u s t b e infinitely
m o r e different t h a n w e can possibly i m a g i n e H i m o r H e r t o b e .
A n d s o S h e o r H e is. N o n e t h e l e s s , i n t h e days s i n c e c o l l e g e , I
h a v e also c o m e t o r e a l i z e t h a t t h e v e r y d e e p e s t m e a n s w e h a v e
to even begin to c o m p r e h e n d the n a t u r e of G o d is to project
o n t o H i m o r H e r t h e very b e s t o f o u r o w n h u m a n n a t u r e . I n
o t h e r w o r d s , G o d is, a m o n g o t h e r t h i n g s a n d a b o v e all t h i n g s ,
humane.
T h e r e are o t h e r things I have l e a r n e d since college. Back
t h e n I u s e d t o t h i n k t h a t faith p r e c e d e d p r a y e r , a n d t h a t o n l y
t h o s e w i t h a g r e a t d e a l o f faith w o u l d p r a y a g r e a t d e a l . S o m e
years ago, however, I r a n across an a n c i e n t Christian m o t t o — s o
a n c i e n t t h a t i t was i n L a t i n : " L e x o r a n d i , l e x c r e d e n d i , " w h i c h
translated means "The rule of prayer precedes the rule of
faith." In o t h e r words, I h a d things reversed. T h e d e e p e r t r u t h
i s t h a t i f o n e p r a y s a lot, t h e n , a n d o n l y t h e n , will o n e b e likely
t o g r o w i n faith.
W h y g r o w i n faith? O n c e a g a i n , i n m y y o u t h , I h a d i t b a c k -
w a r d . I u s e d to t h i n k t h a t if I u n d e r s t o o d t h e w o r l d b e t t e r , I
m i g h t h a v e m o r e faith i n G o d . B u t t h e n I r a n a c r o s s a s a y i n g o f
o n e o f t h e saints: " D o n o t seek u n d e r s t a n d i n g t h a t you m i g h t
h a v e faith; s e e k faith t h a t y o u m i g h t u n d e r s t a n d . "
I t was w i t h m y g r a d u a l l y i n c r e a s i n g k n o w l e d g e o f s u c h
p i e c e s o f " s c i e n c e " t h a t I was a b l e t o b e o f s o m e h e l p t o a w o n -
d e r f u l , initially s e c u l a r w o m a n , A n n i e , w h o c a m e t o s e e m e b e -
c a u s e o f h e r excessive w o r r y i n g . W e i d e n t i f i e d t h a t a t least o n e
m a j o r r o o t o f h e r p r o b l e m was h e r l a c k o f f a i t h i n G o d , a n d
e v e r s o slowly I was a b l e t o t e a c h h e r t o pray. A f t e r s o m e y e a r s o f
infrequent a p p o i n t m e n t s , she c a m e to see me o n e day a n d an-
n o u n c e d , "Dr. P e c k , I a m s o p o o r a t this b u s i n e s s . I still d o n ' t
k n o w h o w t o pray. M u c h o f t h e t i m e m y o n l y p r a y e r — i t c o m e s
from s o m e p l a c e in t h e Bible, I think—is 'I believe, L o r d ; h e l p
m y u n b e l i e f It's s o p a t h e t i c . "
"Annie," I responded, "that h a p p e n s to be o n e of the most
sophisticated prayers ever spoken."
W h i l e this w o m a n ' s g r o w t h i n faith (as i s typical o f t h e t r a n -
s i t i o n f r o m S t a g e III t o S t a g e IV) was v e r y g r a d u a l , o c c a s i o n a l l y
t h e e v o l u t i o n o f faith m a y b e v e r y r a p i d , a s i f o n e ' s eyes h a d s u d -
denly b e e n opened. Indeed, the experience can be frightening.
My lecture audiences used to be m a d e up primarily of p e o p l e
w h o w e r e m a k i n g t h e t r a n s i t i o n f r o m S t a g e III t o S t a g e I V o r
w e r e a l r e a d y d e e p l y i n S t a g e IV. I w o u l d o f t e n ask t h e m , " F o r
how m a n y of you h e r e has the j o u r n e y ever b e e n moving so
rapidly that you w o n d e r e d w h e t h e r or n o t you were going
crazy?" M o s t r a i s e d t h e i r h a n d s i n u n d e r s t a n d i n g . I w o u l d g o o n
to n o t e : "That's o n e r e a s o n for g o o d spiritual directors; they
THE ROAD LESS TRAWLED AND BEYOND 277
c a n tell y o u w h e t h e r y o u ' r e g o i n g crazy o r n o t . " O c c a s i o n a l l y ,

s u d d e n " e x p l o s i o n s " o f faith m a y i n d e e d b e t h e r e s u l t o f a m e n -
tal illness. A s o f t e n a s n o t , h o w e v e r , w h a t p e o p l e n e e d a t s u c h
times is sophisticated r e a s s u r a n c e (which a g r e a t m a n y secular
psychiatrists or psychotherapists a r e n o t able to p r o v i d e ) .
I h a v e b e e n s p e a k i n g o f t h e g a i n i n g o f faith. W h a t a b o u t its
o p p o s i t e — t h e loss of faith? It is a v e r y r e a l p h e n o m e n o n , o c -
curring routinely in those w h o are in the process of growing out
o f S t a g e I I i n t o S t a g e III. It, t o o , c a n b e scary, w h i c h i s t h e r e a -
son for a small, recently f o u n d e d o r g a n i z a t i o n , F u n d a m e n t a l -
ists A n o n y m o u s , a self-help g r o u p f o r p e o p l e d e a l i n g w i t h t h e
i m m e n s e anxieties that may be associated with relinquishing a
v e r y c l e a r - c u t , r i g i d , d o c t r i n a i r e s o r t o f faith. L o s s o f faith m a y
also b e p a r t i c u l a r l y p a i n f u l f o r t h o s e w h o h a v e a f o r m a l o r p r o -
fessional r e l i g i o u s identity. M a n y a c l e r g y m a n h a s e n t e r e d t h e
m i n i s t r y w h i l e i n S t a g e II, o n l y t o evolve i n t o S t a g e III a n d f i n d
himself in t h e position of getting up in t h e pulpit every S u n d a y
a n d talking a b o u t a G o d in W h o m he is no longer sure he even
believes. H e , too, n e e d s sophisticated r e a s s u r a n c e t h a t can only
b e given b y s o m e o n e w h o u n d e r s t a n d s t h e stages o f w h a t F o w l e r
calls "faith d e v e l o p m e n t . "
W e a l s o n e e d t o g l a n c e briefly a t a p h e n o m e n o n t h a t c o u l d
b e c a l l e d t h e t e s t i n g o f faith, w h i c h m a y h a p p e n t o a n y r e l i g i o u s
p e r s o n a t a t i m e o f crisis. U s u a l l y t h e crisis i s s u r v i v e d a n d t h e
faith survives w i t h it. B u t t h e r e i s a n o t h e r t y p e o f t e s t i n g t h a t i s
a c t u a l l y m o r e p r e d i c t a b l e a n d m o s t likely t o h a p p e n t o h i g h l y
d e v e l o p e d s p i r i t u a l p e o p l e w h o h a v e l o n g b e e n i n S t a g e IV. F o r
this p h e n o m e n o n , St. J o h n o f t h e C r o s s i n t h e s i x t e e n t h c e n -
tury c o i n e d the p h r a s e "the d a r k night of the soul."
T h e d a r k n i g h t of t h e soul is a p o i n t w h e r e G o d seems to
b e totally a b s e n t , a n d o f t e n f o r a p r o l o n g e d p e r i o d o f t i m e . T o
t h e p e r s o n i n it, t h e still, s m a l l v o i c e s h e h a s c o m e t o d i s t i n g u i s h
as God's seems to have faded or stopped altogether. Dreams
that o n c e provided revelations seem to have dried u p . It is n o t
a m a t t e r of crisis or e v e n affliction; it is j u s t a d e e p s e n s e t h a t
G o d , w h o was o n c e p r e s e n t a n d active i n h e r life, h a s g o n e o n
v a c a t i o n a n d s e e m s totally i n a c c e s s i b l e , p e r h a p s forever.
M i g h t G o d deliberately m a k e Herself inaccessible? It is

conceivable, w h e n we think of h o w a p p r o p r i a t e it is that a ma-
t u r e faith n e e d s to be t e s t e d . In What Return Can I Make? (Gifts
for the Journey), I u s e d t h e a n a l o g y of a y o u n g c h i l d , p e r h a p s two
y e a r s o l d , w h o will h a v e n o t r o u b l e b e l i e v i n g i n M o m m y ' s p r e s -
e n c e a n d care w h e n she is right t h e r e in t h e r o o m with h i m . B u t
w h e n h e c a n ' t s e e h e r , h e will p a n i c a n d b e g i n t o t h i n k t h a t s h e
n o l o n g e r exists. A s h i s faith i n h e r i s s o t e s t e d o v e r s e v e r a l
y e a r s , h o w e v e r , h e will slowly c o m e t o l e a r n t h a t s h e h a s o t h e r
c o n c e r n s t o t e n d t o . G r a d u a l l y h e will r e a l i z e t h a t M o m m y i s
p r o b a b l y j u s t d o w n t h e hall m a k i n g his b e d , t h a t s h e h a s n o t
t r u l y v a n i s h e d o r a b a n d o n e d h i m , t h a t s h e i s still actively l o v i n g
a n d c a r i n g for h i m — o n l y in a different m a n n e r t h a n t h a t w h i c h
h e h a d originally c o u n t e d o n .
Certainly, by t h e t i m e they have r e a c h e d t h e d a r k n i g h t of
t h e s o u l , m o s t o f t h e faithful r e m a i n faithful. T h e y c o n t i n u e t o
pray a n d praise the seemingly absent God, as J o b did by a n d
large. T h e i r m o t t o m i g h t b e that o f J e s u s o n t h e cross, w h e n h e
c r i e d o u t , "My G o d , m y G o d , w h y h a v e Y o u f o r s a k e n m e ? " B u t i t
was still G o d W h o m J e s u s was c a l l i n g t o , p r a y i n g t o . I t m a y also
h e l p t h e m t o k n o w t h a t m o r e t h a n a few d e s i g n a t e d s a i n t s w h o
w e r e n o t m a r t y r s — w h o d i e d i n b e d — s p e n t t h e i r last days,
m o n t h s , or years in t h e d a r k n i g h t before they m o v e d o n .
PROCESS THEOLOGY
M a n y of us, secularists a n d spiritual p e o p l e alike, q u e s t i o n t h e

e x i s t e n c e o f G o d m o s t w h e n w e l o o k a t o u r w o r l d a n d ask w h y
t h e r e i s s o m u c h p a i n a n d s u f f e r i n g a n d d o w n r i g h t evil. I n
o t h e r words, why a r e n ' t things perfect? It is simply n o t e n o u g h
t o a n s w e r : " G o d ' s ways a r e m y s t e r i o u s . " N o a n s w e r c a n b e of-
f e r e d w i t h c e r t a i n t y . W h a t I c a n d o , h o w e v e r , i s offer s o m e r e l a -
tively m o d e r n , s p e c u l a t i v e a d d i t i o n s t o t h e m o r e a n c i e n t ,
traditional, a n d , I believe, i n a d e q u a t e "God theory."
Traditional, primitive G o d t h e o r y posits a G o d w h o is om-
n i p o t e n t . B u t s u c h a s i m p l i s t i c vision o f G o d fails t o a c c o u n t f o r
evil o r t o t a k e i n t o a c c o u n t b o t h a g o o d d e a l o f t h e B i b l e a n d
c o m m o n sense. While in the b e g i n n i n g G o d may have created
e v e r y t h i n g ( a n d e v e n this i s s u b j e c t t o q u e s t i o n ) , b y t h e t h i r d
c h a p t e r o f G e n e s i s , t h e v e r y f i r s t b o o k o f t h e B i b l e , t h e r e a r e al-
r e a d y p r o b l e m s . G o d e x p e l s A d a m a n d Eve f r o m t h e p e r f e c t
G a r d e n o f E d e n a n d tells t h e m t h a t h e n c e f o r t h t h e y shall h a v e
t o suffer. W h y ? I s G o d sadistic?
T h e answer, I believe, is t h a t G o d has to o p e r a t e within
constraints, even if they are constraints that He Himself cre-
ated. W h e n it is said t h a t " G o d c r e a t e d us in his own i m a g e , "
w h a t is m e a n t by t h a t m o r e t h a n a n y t h i n g else, I believe, is t h a t
G o d g a v e u s f r e e will. You c a n n o t give s o m e o n e f r e e will a n d a t
t h e s a m e t i m e h o l d a m a c h i n e g u n t o h i s b a c k . F r e e will m e a n s
t h a t w e a r e free, a n d s u c h f r e e d o m m e a n s t h a t w e a r e free t o
c h o o s e f o r e i t h e r g o o d o r evil. T h e m o m e n t w h e n G o d g r a n t e d
u s f r e e will was t h e m o m e n t w h e n h u m a n evil—as well a s h u -
m a n g o o d n e s s — w a s let loose i n t h e world. H a v i n g o n c e
g r a n t e d u s f r e e will, G o d i s n o l o n g e r o m n i p o t e n t . H e h a s c o n -
s t r a i n e d Himself, a n d n o m a t t e r h o w m u c h i t m i g h t h u r t H i m ,
in m o s t respects He simply has to let us be.
G e n e s i s 3 s u g g e s t s t h a t this c o n s t r a i n i n g d e c i s i o n t o l e t u s
b e i s also a s s o c i a t e d w i t h t h e e x i s t e n c e o f d e a t h ( a n d , b y i m p l i -
cation, disease a n d aging). H o w we have agonized over these
" c u r s e s " ! Yet, a s l o n g a s w e b e a r i n m i n d t h a t t h e d e a t h o f t h e
b o d y d o e s n o t necessarily m e a n t h e d e a t h of t h e soul, I am n o t
s u r e t h a t a g i n g a n d illness a n d d e a t h a r e c u r s e s a t all. I c u r s e
t h e m myself f r o m t i m e t o t i m e , b u t i n m y m o r e r a t i o n a l m o -
ments, I see t h e m as b e i n g an integral part of the natural o r d e r
of things, an o r d e r that G o d Herself established. I d o n ' t m e a n
t o i m p l y t h a t G o d i s totally h e l p l e s s . W h a t I d o m e a n t o i m p l y i s
that God is n o t so o m n i p o t e n t that She doesn't have to operate
w i t h i n t h e c o n s t r a i n t s o f this n a t u r a l o r d e r o f illness, a g i n g ,
d e a t h , a n d p h y s i c a l decay. A n d w i t h i n t h e m o r e t e r r i b l e c o n -
s t r a i n t s o f a l l o w i n g h u m a n evil, e v e n o n s u c h a m a s s scale a s t h e
Holocaust.
T h e n o t i o n t h a t G o d i s n o t simplistically o m n i p o t e n t b u t
must operate within certain constraints is n o t the only m o d e r n
a d d e n d u m to the primitive G o d Theory. An equally i m p o r t a n t

a d d e n d u m has c o m e over the course of the past fifty years to be
called process theology, which challenges the traditional n o -
t i o n o f a G o d w h o i s a static, u n c h a n g i n g b e i n g . I t s u g g e s t s t h a t ,
like all living b e i n g s , G o d i s "in p r o c e s s " : living, s u f f e r i n g , a n d
g r o w i n g r i g h t a l o n g s i d e o f u s , a l b e i t j u s t a s t e p o r two a h e a d o f
us. While t h e origin of process theology is a t t r i b u t e d to Alfred
N o r t h W h i t e h e a d w i t h i n t h i s c e n t u r y , i t was a c t u a l l y o n e well
e m b e d d e d in M o r m o n theology over a century ago. T h e Mor-
m o n s h a v e l o n g h a d a saying: "As m a n is, G o d was. A s G o d is,
m a n will b e c o m e . "
In my n o v e l In Heaven as on Earth, I p r o p o s e d a s o r t of a d -
d e n d u m to process theology, suggesting that creation (includ-
i n g t h e c r e a t i o n o f souls, h u m a n a n d otherwise) m i g h t b e a n
o n g o i n g e x p e r i m e n t . Insofar as G o d is a creator, why s h o u l d n ' t
S h e b e a n e x p e r i m e n t e r every b i t a s m u c h a s h u m a n s c i e n -
t i s t s — a l b e i t a b i t m o r e i m a g i n a t i v e , s o p h i s t i c a t e d , a n d artistic?
W e scientists a r e g e n e r a l l y c o m f o r t a b l e w i t h t h e fact t h a t m a n y ,
i f n o t m o s t , o f o u r e x p e r i m e n t s "fail." T h a t is, t h e y a r e trials.
T h e r e i s always r o o m f o r i m p r o v e m e n t . M i g h t w e n o t l o o k
u p o n a h i g h l y i m p e r f e c t — e v e n e v i l — s o u l as a "failed e x p e r i -
m e n t " ? W e also k n o w t h a t w e h a v e a s m u c h t o l e a r n f r o m failed
e x p e r i m e n t s a s f r o m successful o n e s . T h e y a r e w h a t s e n d u s
b a c k t o t h e d r a w i n g b o a r d ; p e r h a p s t h e y d o s o for G o d , t o o . I t
makes sense o n c e we stop thinking of G o d as omniscient, om-
nipotent, and unchanging—when we begin to think of H e r as
b e i n g in process a n d start to seriously c o n s i d e r t h e essence of
process theology.
In A World Waiting to Be Born, I h a v e w r i t t e n a b o u t h o w I
f i r s t s t u m b l e d o n t o t h e c o n c e p t o f process theology. T h e m o -
m e n t was fifteen y e a r s a g o ; I was s i t t i n g in my office w i t h a thirty-
five-year-old p a t i e n t . S h e was a very a t t r a c t i v e p e r s o n , p e r h a p s
o n l y a s m u c h a s e i g h t p o u n d s o v e r t h e s t a n d a r d w e i g h t for
w o m e n of h e r age a n d height. T h e p r e c e d i n g evening, at a joy-
ful r e s t a u r a n t party, s h e was s o r e l a x e d s h e h a d o r d e r e d a n d
e a t e n a n ice c r e a m s u n d a e f o r d e s s e r t . N o w s h e was l a m e n t i n g ,
" H o w c o u l d I h a v e b e e n s o s t u p i d ? A f t e r o n l y six days I b r o k e

m y d i e t ! N o w I h a v e t o s t a r t all o v e r a g a i n . I h a t e myself f o r b e -
i n g s o u n d i s c i p l i n e d . A n ice c r e a m s u n d a e , f o r C h r i s t ' s s a k e !
Butterscotch sauce. Thick, gooey. I m e a n , I c o u l d n ' t have c h o -
s e n a n y t h i n g t h a t h a d m o r e c a l o r i e s . O n e o f t h e s e days I ' l l . . . "
A s s h e w e n t o n a n d o n i n t h a t v e i n , I f o u n d myself d r i f t i n g
off slightly, m u s i n g o v e r h o w u t t e r l y typical s h e was o f a l a r g e
c a t e g o r y o f w o m e n w h o a r e physically a p p e a l i n g , yet w h o s p e n d
endless ergs of energy obsessing a b o u t their weight, even the
m o s t m i n o r d e v i a t i o n s i n it. W h a t was g o i n g o n w i t h t h e m ? I n
t h e m i d s t o f this w o n d e r i n g , I s u d d e n l y i n t e r r u p t e d h e r , b l u r t -
ing out, "What makes you think that G o d doesn't have to diet?"
S h e l o o k e d a t m e a s i f I h a d g o n e crazy. " W h y d i d y o u say
that?" she asked.
I scratched my h e a d , replying, "I d o n ' t know." But I h a d to
t h i n k a b o u t w h y I h a d s a i d it, a n d as I d i d , I r e a l i z e d t h a t I was
o n t o s o m e t h i n g . M y p a t i e n t was l a b o r i n g u n d e r t h e fantasy t h a t
if she w e n t on e n o u g h diets or discovered j u s t t h e right diet or
received e n o u g h psychotherapy, she would achieve a state in
w h i c h s h e c o u l d e i t h e r e a t all s h e w a n t e d w i t h o u t g a i n i n g a n
o u n c e , o r else, w h e n e v e r s h e d i d g a i n t h a t o u n c e , c o u l d in-
s t a n t l y a n d effortlessly lose it. A s t r a n g e fantasy, c o m e t o t h i n k
o f it. " M a y b e G o d p u t s o n five p o u n d s , " I e x p l a i n e d t o h e r , " a n d
t h e n H e h a s t o t a k e t h e m off. O n l y H e d o e s n ' t m a k e a b i g d e a l
o u t o f it, w h i c h i s p e r h a p s w h y H e ' s G o d . "
T h e d e l u s i o n m y p a t i e n t l a b o r e d u n d e r was a static n o t i o n
o f p e r f e c t i o n . I t i s a very c o m m o n b u t d e s t r u c t i v e n o t i o n t h a t
p e r f e c t i o n is an u n c h a n g i n g state. It is so c o m m o n b e c a u s e it is
so purely logical. If s o m e t h i n g is perfect a n d it c h a n g e s , it c a n
o n l y b e c o m e d i f f e r e n t f r o m w h a t i t was. A n d i f i t b e c o m e s dif-
f e r e n t f r o m w h a t i t was, t h e n l o g i c h o l d s t h a t i t h a s b e c o m e i m -
p e r f e c t . B u t if s o m e t h i n g is truly p e r f e c t , it c a n n o t , by d e f i n i t i o n ,
b e c o m e imperfect. H e n c e perfection must be unchanging.
A n d s o w e t h i n k , " G o d i s a s G o d was a n d always will b e . "
B u t t h a t ' s n o t t h e way I t h i n k a n y m o r e . It's also h a r d l y w h a t
t h e B i b l e s u g g e s t s . A n d i n c r e a s i n g l y it's n o t w h a t t h e o l o g i a n s
are beginning to think. T h a n k God! If there is anything that

c h a r a c t e r i z e s life, i t i s c h a n g e . W h a t m o s t d i s t i n g u i s h e s t h e a n i -
m a t e f r o m t h e i n a n i m a t e i s "irritability." S o m e t h i n g t h a t ' s a n i -
m a t e m o v e s w h e n y o u p o k e it. I t d o e s n ' t j u s t sit t h e r e . It's alive.
It g o e s this way a n d t h a t way. It g r o w s , it d i e s , it d e c a y s , it is r e -
b o r n . I t c h a n g e s . All life i s i n p r o c e s s . A n d s i n c e I c h o o s e t o
h a v e a living G o d , I b e l i e v e t h a t m y G o d i s a l s o i n p r o c e s s , l e a r n -
ing a n d growing a n d perhaps even laughing a n d dancing.
T h i s n e w c o n c e p t o f p r o c e s s t h e o l o g y i s s o critically i m p o r -
tant n o t only because it adds a large piece to t h e puzzle of im-
p e r f e c t i o n — e v e n e v i l — i n t h e w o r l d , b u t also b e c a u s e i t i m p l i e s
t h a t it is g o o d for p e o p l e to be in a state of c h a n g e . T h e s a m e
h o l d s t r u e f o r o u r o r g a n i z a t i o n s a n d society, f o r all life itself.
T h e h e a l t h i e r w e a r e , t h e m o r e w e will b e "in p r o c e s s . " T h e
m o r e v i b r a n t , t h e m o r e lively w e a r e , t h e m o r e w e will b e c h a n g -
ing. A n d t h e closer to perfection we are, the m o r e rapidly we
will b e c h a n g i n g . A n d a s w e c h a n g e , w e c a n e x p e c t o u r s e l v e s ,
t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n s t o which w e b e l o n g , a n d even o u r society t o
b e i n f l u x a n d i n t u r m o i l . W e will k n o w , n o t o n l y i n o u r h e a d s
b u t i n o u r h e a r t s , t h a t i f w e l e t G o d i n t o o u r s e l v e s , w e will b e
welcoming even m o r e flux a n d turmoil. An individual who has
d e v e l o p e d a c o n s c i o u s r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h G o d will p r o b a b l y b e
e n g a g e d in developing that relationship—often with anguish
a n d s t r u g g l e — f o r t h e r e s t o f h i s o r h e r e v e r - c h a n g i n g life.
W e will k n o w w h e n w e s e e o u r s e l v e s o r o u r o r g a n i z a t i o n s a s
comfortable, c o m p l a c e n t , or particularly stable entities that we
a r e u n d o u b t e d l y i n a s t a t e — o r a t l e a s t a p h a s e — o f decay. A n d
if we see ourselves or o u r organizations suffering, struggling,
s e a r c h i n g this way a n d t h a t f o r n e w s o l u t i o n s , c o n s t a n t l y revis-
i n g a n d reviving, o u r t e n d e n c y will n o t o n l y b e t o give o u r s e l v e s
or t h e m the benefit of the d o u b t but to suspect that we may
have stumbled u p o n a particularly Godly p h e n o m e n o n .
R e t u r n i n g to the question of why things a r e n ' t perfect, it is
for t h e s a m e r e a s o n s t h a t e v e n U t o p i a will n o t b e s t a b l e o r static.
I t will b e e v o l v i n g . U t o p i a s h o u l d n o t b e t h o u g h t o f a s a c o n d i -
t i o n t h a t w e r e a c h , b e c a u s e n o s o o n e r will w e r e a c h i t t h a n w e
will m o v e o n . I t will n o t b e a c o n d i t i o n w i t h o u t s u f f e r i n g , w i t h -
o u t t h e stress a n d s t r a i n t h a t n e c e s s a r i l y a c c o m p a n y c h a n g e o r
development.
C o n t r a r y t o p o p u l a r n o t i o n s , U t o p i a d o e s n o t m e a n all will
b e s w e e t n e s s a n d l i g h t . R a t h e r , i t will b e a society m o v i n g w i t h
m a x i m a l vitality t o w a r d m a x i m a l vitality. I n o t h e r w o r d s , a s l o n g
a s t h e r e i s a r o l e f o r G o d t o play a n d r o o m f o r g r a c e , U t o p i a
m a y n o t b e i m p o s s i b l e t o a c h i e v e after all. B u t i t will b e i m p o s -
sible t o a c h i e v e i f w e h o l d o n t o o u r t r a d i t i o n a l vision o f p e r -
f e c t i o n , d e f i n e d a s static b y o u r l i m i t e d h u m a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g .
U t o p i a will always b e i n t h e f u t u r e , b e c a u s e i t i s n o t a s t a t e ar-
rived at b u t a state of b e c o m i n g . I n d e e d , we m i g h t t h i n k on o u r
m o r e o p t i m i s t i c days o f U t o p i a a s h a v i n g a l r e a d y s t a r t e d , a l b e i t
barely.
GLORY
I n t h e e n d all t h i n g s p o i n t t o G o d .
All t h i n g s . I c o u l d g o o n a n d o n , b u t I feel a s i f I ' m i n t h e
s a m e p o s i t i o n a s St. J o h n w h e n h e w r o t e o f J e s u s a t t h e c o n c l u -
sion of his Gospel:
A n d t h e r e are also m a n y o t h e r things which J e s u s did,

t h e which, if they s h o u l d be written every o n e , I sup-
p o s e t h a t e v e n t h e w o r l d itself c o u l d n o t c o n t a i n t h e
books that should be written. A-men.
I , t o o , c o u l d talk a b o u t all m a n n e r o f o t h e r t h i n g s u n e x -
plainable w i t h o u t resorting to G o d . A b o u t special p e o p l e .
A b o u t J e s u s , w h o was s o e x t r a o r d i n a r y t h a t n o o n e c o u l d h a v e
d r e a m e d h i m u p . B u t J e s u s i s a r e d flag f o r s o m e w h o h a v e b e e n
abused by the abusers of Jesus. So take a n o t h e r inexplicable hu-
m a n , A b r a h a m L i n c o l n , a n d s e e i f y o u c a n c a t e g o r i z e h i m with-
o u t r e s o r t i n g t o divinity.
O r I c o u l d talk o f mystical e x p e r i e n c e s , o f s u d d e n c h a n g e s
of p e r c e p t i o n , w h e n without d r u g s or disease, we occasionally
flit i n a n d o u t o f w h a t s e e m s a n o t h e r u n i v e r s e . I c o u l d s p e a k o f
d e m o n s a n d angels. I could rhapsodize a b o u t G o d a n d na-

t u r e — t h e G o d o f t h e m o u n t a i n s a n d rivers, t h e G o d o f s u n r i s e s
a n d s u n s e t s , o f forests a n d s t o r m s . O r o f m u s i c a n d m e l o d i e s
t h a t a r e timeless. O r o f r o m a n c e a n d sex, w h e r e G o d deliber-
ately gave u s a taste o f H i m s e l f — a n d o f H e r p o w e r , m o r e s u b t l e
t h a n d y n a m i t e , yet potentially as d a n g e r o u s . Or of w h a t tran-
spires w h e n a g r o u p reaches c o m m u n i t y or an exorcism has
b e e n successfully c o m p l e t e d — w h e n G o d s e e m s t o h a v e e n -
t e r e d a n o t h e r w i s e o r d i n a r y r o o m a n d all t h a t t h e p e o p l e p r e s -
e n t c a n d o i s c r y t e a r s o f g r a t i t u d e a n d joy.
G o d is too i m m e n s e to be limited to any chapter or book
o r e v e n b i b l e . Yet t h e r e i s o n e w o r d f o r o u r h u m a n e x p e r i e n c e
whenever we happen—seemingly by accident—to tap into, to
participate consciously in, t h a t immensity. It is t h e e x p e r i e n c e
of glory.
A n d h o w w e y e a r n f o r it! Blindly, u s u a l l y falsely, a n d m o r e
o f t e n t h a n n o t destructively, w e s e e k after g l o r y a s n o t h i n g else.
F l e e t i n g " h a p p i n e s s , " e v e n s e x u a l ecstasy, c a n ' t c o m p a r e . D e -
s p i t e all t h e pitfalls o f this p u r s u i t , i t h a p p e n s t o b e o n e o f t h e
m a n y i n d i r e c t " p r o o f s " f o r t h e e x i s t e n c e o f G o d . A s C . S . Lewis
p o i n t e d o u t i n h i s g r e a t s e r m o n , " T h e W e i g h t o f Glory," G o d i n
His gentleness w o u l d n e v e r have c r e a t e d us with an a p p e t i t e for
s o m e t h i n g unreal or utterly unobtainable. We h u n g e r only be-
cause t h e r e is food. We thirst because t h e r e is drink. We would
n o t s c r e a m w i t h s e x u a l d e s i r e i f t h e r e w e r e n o possibility o f sex-
u a l f u l f i l l m e n t . So it is w i t h glory. We y e a r n f o r it as we do for
n o t h i n g else p r e c i s e l y b e c a u s e t h e r e i s a G o d u r g i n g u s o n t o
u n i o n with Her.
But m a k e no mistake: real glory is an attribute only of G o d .
S i n c e g l o r y i s t h e m o s t p o t e n t o b j e c t o f all o u r d e s i r e s , o u r d e -
sire f o r i t i s t h e o n e m o s t s u b j e c t t o p e r v e r s i o n . T h e r e i s a n a m e
for this p e r v e r s i o n : i d o l a t r y — t h e w o r s h i p o f false i d o l s o r c h e a p
s u b s t i t u t e s f o r G o d . A s o n e n a m e for t h e devil s u g g e s t s , t h e va-
r i e t i e s o f i d o l a t r y a r e " L e g i o n " : m o n e y , sex, novelty, p o l i t i c a l
p o w e r , security, p o s s e s s i o n s , a n d o n a n d o n . All a r e false g o d s .
True glory is ours only insofar as we s u b m i t ourselves to t h e true
G o d . B u t w h o . . . w h a t . . . w h e r e . . . is t h e t r u e G o d ?
COCREATION
In Denial of the Soul I p o i n t e d o u t , w i t h m a n y q u a l i f i c a t i o n s , t h a t

suicide, i n c l u d i n g euthanasia, is usually an action n o t of
c o u r a g e b u t of t h e m o s t questionable hubris. T h e reason for
this s e e m i n g l y h a r s h a s s e s s m e n t i s t h a t w e a r e n o t o u r o w n c r e -
ators, a n d h e n c e we do n o t have t h e moral right to be o u r own
destroyers.
H u m a n k i n d d o e s n o t h a v e t h e p o w e r t o m a k e t h e s u n rise
o r set. W e c a n p r e d i c t a n d r e s p o n d t o t h e w e a t h e r , b u t w e d o
n o t d e t e r m i n e w h a t i t will b e d a y t o day. I d o n o t k n o w h o w t o
c r e a t e an iris or a r o s e ; I c a n o n l y s t e w a r d o n e . So it is w i t h my-
self. P r e s u m a b l y e v e n m o r e c o m p l i c a t e d t h a n a flower, I c o u l d
n o t possibly h a v e e v e n i m a g i n e d myself i n t o e x i s t e n c e . B u t t o a
considerable extent I can choose to decently nurture or n o t
n u r t u r e myself. I n o t h e r w o r d s , w h i l e I c a n n o t b e m y o w n c r e -
ator, I c a n p l a y a r o l e as c o c r e a t o r .
T h e c o n c e p t of "cocreatorship" a n d the responsibility it
entails have b e c o m e quite p o p u l a r in theology in r e c e n t years.
B u t I h a v e n o t r e a d o f this r e s p o n s i b i l i t y b e i n g e x t e n d e d t o its
u l t i m a t e . T h e fact i s t h a t w e h u m a n s a r e f r e e t o c h o o s e o u r o w n
vision o f G o d , a n d n o c h o i c e w e m a k e c a n b e a s p o t e n t i n o u r
p e r s o n a l lives o r o u r r o l e a s a g e n t s o f society. S o w e c o m e t o a
crescendo of paradox. On the one hand, God is unquestionably
o u r creator. On the other, in choosing the kind of G o d we be-
lieve i n , w e a r e , i n a s e n s e , c r e a t i n g G o d , n o t o n l y f o r o u r s e l v e s
b u t a l s o f o r o t h e r s w h o will s e e G o d r e f l e c t e d i n o u r beliefs, o u r
a c t i o n s , a n d i n o u r very spirit.
B u t b e a r i n m i n d t h a t w e c a n n o t know G o d i n t h e t r a d i -
t i o n a l scientific s e n s e . A H a s i d i c s t o r y p a s s e d o n t o m e b y E r i c h
F r o m m m a k e s t h e p o i n t . It is t h e story of a g o o d Jewish m a n —
l e t u s call h i m M o r d e c a i — w h o p r a y e d o n e day, " O G o d , l e t m e
k n o w Your t r u e n a m e , even a s angels d o . " T h e L o r d h e a r d his
p r a y e r a n d g r a n t e d it, a l l o w i n g M o r d e c a i t o k n o w H i s t r u e
name. W h e r e u p o n Mordecai crept u n d e r the bed and yelped
in s h e e r a n i m a l terror, "O God, let me forget Your true n a m e . "
A n d t h e L o r d G o d h e a r d t h a t p r a y e r a n d g r a n t e d i t also. S o m e -
t h i n g o f t h e s a m e p o i n t was m a d e b y t h e A p o s t l e P a u l w h e n h e
said, "It is a t e r r i f y i n g t h i n g to fall i n t o t h e h a n d s of t h e living
God."Yet. . .
In t h e e n d all t h i n g s p o i n t to G o d . . . .
L e t m e t u r n n o w f r o m t h e m o r e o r less a b s t r a c t a n d p r o -
saic s c i e n c e o f G o d t o p o e t r y , a n d c o n c l u d e this s u m m a t i o n o f
my t h i n k i n g in a very different t o n e by personally a d d r e s s i n g
the nameless and unknowable One.
CHAPTER 8
The "Poetry" of God
Dear God,
Darling Lord:
D o You r e m e m b e r that r e p o r t e r ?
T h e o n e w h o p r e t e n d e d t o b e religious.
A n d t h e n w h e n I h a d t a l k e d for days a b o u t You,
Concluded by commenting,
"It's c l e a r t o m e , Scotty,
T h a t y o u c o u l d n e v e r really c o m m u n i c a t e
With your parents.
You m u s t h a v e b e e n a very l o n e l y c h i l d .
I w o n d e r if
T h a t d o e s n ' t have a lot to do
With your belief in God?"
Of course, I k n e w
A t t h a t p o i n t , w e h a d lost it.
"Do you m e a n
Is G o d
My imaginary companion?"
I r e s p o n d e d rhetorically.
"Actually, I d o n ' t t h i n k
I was a p a r t i c u l a r l y l o n e l y c h i l d , "
I went on.
"All c h i l d r e n a r e lonely.
My parents were attentive
A n d I c o u l d talk t o t h e m a b o u t t h i n g s s m a l l .
I h a d at least a m o d i c u m of f r i e n d s
—more than most—
A n d m o r e still a s I g o t o l d e r .
"But is G o d my imaginary c o m p a n i o n ?
O h , yes. I n d e e d , yes.
Yet, as I've b e e n t r y i n g to tell y o u ,
That's just o n e of a t h o u s a n d
Reasons I believe."
N a t u r a l l y , i t h a d n o effect.
B u t t h e fact is,
You h a v e b e e n b e s i d e m e
I n this i m a g i n a t i o n
For longer than I can remember,
A n d it's b e e n a g r e a t t r i p t o g e t h e r ,
H a s n ' t it, L o r d ?
Now I'm old

I c a n n o t be sure
Whether we're near the e n d
O r still m e r e l y p r e p a r i n g
To b l a s t off.
B u t o f this I ' m s u r e :
T h e r e is not one m o m e n t I can declare
You t o h a v e b e e n a b s e n t f r o m m e .
Note my words.
You c r e a t e d me to be precise with words.
I was n o t s a y i n g
I've always felt Y o u r p r e s e n c e
O r b e e n a w a r e o f You.
Frankly, m o s t o f t h e t i m e
I h a v e n ' t e v e n b o t h e r e d t o t h i n k o f You.
You've b e e n so g o o d to m e .
O h , t h e r e w e r e a few b a d y e a r s e a r l y o n .
T h e year in the fourth grade in a new school
A n d two y e a r s l a t e r
W h e n I was t e n a n d c o u l d n ' t u n d e r s t a n d
W h y all m y c l a s s m a t e s s u d d e n l y
T u r n e d o n m e again.
H o w could I have u n d e r s t o o d ,
U n a w a r e You h a d c r e a t e d m e a l e a d e r w h o ,
Without intent,
T h r e a t e n e d the top dog?
(It was t h i r t y m o r e y e a r s b e f o r e
I realized what h a d transpired—
B e f o r e I e v e n r e a l i z e d I was
A leader.)
But those
W e r e less t h a n two y e a r s
O u t o f twelve. T h e r e s t
Were magical.
W h a t c a n I say?
T h e r e was a n i c e h o u s e
Behind our summer home.
And an orchard where the neighbor's sheep
Grazed, a n d in September
T h e w h i t e c l o u d s g r a z e d t h e sky,
A n d I knew my parents loved m e .
And I knew
You w e r e b e h i n d i t all,
Like the i c e h o u s e . . . d e e p , d e e p ,
A n c i e n t , c o o l i n t h e s u m m e r , a n d , a b o v e all,
Providing.
It is a p a r a d o x .
At o n e and the same time
I was g r a t e f u l a n d I t o o k Y o u
for g r a n t e d . Like t h e i c e h o u s e ,
You w e r e j u s t t h e r e .
At thirteen I went to b o a r d i n g school.

It was a p l a c e w i t h o u t love. E v e r y t h i n g
Was wrong.
T h e y said it was r i g h t .
Thirty m o n t h s it took me
To t h i n k f o r myself. I w a l k e d o u t ,
N o t y e t a n a d u l t exactly,
But a m a n w h o k n e w his soul
B e l o n g e d t o You a n d , n e v e r a g a i n ,
To fashion.
Yes, t h o s e w e r e t o u g h y e a r s .
T h e t o u g h e s t . T h e y w e r e also w h e n
I c a n f i r s t r e m e m b e r t a l k i n g a b o u t You.
Vaguely I recall a r g u i n g Your existence
With my adolescent friends.
O r was i t Y o u r n o n e x i s t e n c e ?
It doesn't matter. What matters
Is t h a t I was t h i n k i n g a b o u t You.
THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED AND BEYOND
F i f t e e n was t h e last b a d year.

T h e r e have b e e n b a d m o m e n t s since
— m a y b e e v e n a few of t r a g e d y —
B u t n o b a d years.
S o m e years it has even s e e m e d as if
You h a d p l a c e d m e o n a k i n d o f
G r a n d vacation.
I cannot imagine
Anything
I could ever have d o n e
To deserve
Such kindness.
W a s it at five . . .
Or ten or fifteen that
I first d e c i d e d to s p e a k
The truth
W h e n I c o u l d h a v e g o t t e n away
W i t h a lie?
I c a n ' t recall.
Certainly by college, honesty
H a d become my habit
( S o m e have said my c o m p u l s i o n ) .
I do n o t m e a n I never withhold
A piece of truth now a n d then;
O n l y t h a t it is painful for me
To love in s u c h a way.
B u t I try n o t t o w i t h h o l d
Even a smidgen
F r o m myself,
A n d if t h e r e is a s e c r e t
T o all m y g o o d f o r t u n e , I s u p p o s e
T h a t is it.
But it is n o t my d o i n g .
I t was You w h o p l a n t e d i n m e t h e s e e d —
T h i s b u r n i n g t h i r s t for t h e R e a l .
Besides,
S i n c e You k n o w t h e reality
Of my heart, to what e n d
S h o u l d I s e e k to d e c e i v e
E x c e p t t o i s o l a t e myself f r o m You?
A n d t h a t i s t h e very last t h i n g
I c o u l d ever desire.
D o You r e m e m b e r
T h a t b o o k I was a s k e d t o p r a i s e ,
T h e o n e w i t h t h e title Intuition ?
I t n e v e r m e n t i o n e d You.
T h a t m i g h t have b e e n pardonable,
Save t h a t i t d r e w n o d i s t i n c t i o n
Between intuition a n d revelation.
I d i d n o t feel I c o u l d bless s u c h a b o o k
T h a t left Y o u o u t .
B u t was I b e i n g fair?
P e r h a p s its a u t h o r was r i g h t a n d I was w r o n g .
P e r h a p s Y o u d i d n o t exist.
S o I sat d o w n t o t h i n k a b o u t it.
First, I t h o u g h t a b o u t h o w m u c h o f m y o w n w o r k
W a s p r e d i c a t e d o n You. I h a d a l a r g e s t a k e
In You. C o u l d I r e l i n q u i s h t h a t ?
If it w e r e t h e reality,
C o u l d I disavow You?
Yes.
T h e n I was u t t e r l y f r e e
To c o n t e m p l a t e Your nonexistence.
I b e g a n with t h e usual:
Famine and flood, drought a n d destruction;
Poverty, g r e e d , w a r a n d t o r t u r e ;
H a t e , lying, a n d m a n i p u l a t i o n ;
Disease, m e n t a l a n d physical,
A n d all t h i n g s unfair.
B u t it was o f n o u s e .
T h e r e was n o evil I c o u l d b l a m e o n You,
T h a t r e q u i r e d You f o r its e x p l a n a t i o n .
W e e p , yes, b u t
B l a m e You, n o .
T h e n t h e r e was h u m a n g o o d n e s s .
As have o t h e r s , I c o u l d s p e c u l a t e
On how altruism may have b e e n b r e d into us
F o r its survival v a l u e . O h , yes,
I knew a b o u t sociobiology a n d o t h e r
Modern notions.
A n d while I could choose
To see Your h a n d in these matters,
I c o u l d also c h o o s e
N o t to.
T h e s a m e with beauty.
T r e e s a n d f l o w e r s , valleys a n d m o u n t a i n s ,
S t r e a m s , rivers, l a k e s , o c e a n s
A n d all m a n n e r o f w a t e r a n d w e a t h e r
Shriek to me
Of Your creation.
Yet, if n e e d b e , I c o u l d c l o s e my e a r s .
There is nothing that compels me
To find Your presence in sunrise or sunset,
S t a r l i g h t o r m o o n l i g h t o r all t h i n g s
Green.
W o n d r o u s , ever so w o n d r o u s ,
B u t I c a n n o t insist u p o n Y o u r d e s i g n .
It is n o t beyond me to imagine
A wondrous accident.
N o , these big things I can deal with.

It is t h e little t h i n g s ,
This business of revelation,
I cannot handle:
T h e occasional d r e a m ,
M o r e e l e g a n t b y far t h a n
My capacity for c o n s t r u c t i o n ;
T h e q u i e t voice o n e m i g h t t h i n k
Is that of my waking brain
Save t h a t w h e n i t r a r e l y s p e a k s
It teaches me with w i s d o m
Beyond any brain;
And those coincidences
Which might be merely amusing
If they could be u n d e r s t o o d as such.
I c a n n o t e x p l a i n t h e s e "little" t h i n g s
Except to know that in them
You h a v e r e v e a l e d Yourself. . . .
A n d I c a n n o t explain why
E x c e p t t h a t You love m e . . . .
A n d that I c a n n o t explain
E x c e p t t h a t You love u s all.
N o n e o f this h a s b e e n i n m y c o n t r o l .
N e v e r h a v e You o p e r a t e d b y m y s c h e d u l e .
Yes, m y D e a r e s t ,
I t a l k of You as if
You w e r e m y i m a g i n a r y c o m p a n i o n ,
B u t o n l y as if.
I f You really w e r e i m a g i n a r y ,
T h e n You w o u l d o b e y m y i m a g i n a t i o n ,
Leaping in form a n d time
In a c c o r d a n c e with my desire.
B u t t h a t ' s n o t t h e way i t w o r k s ,
Is it? A n d it is I w h o m u s t strive
To be obedient.
No, my Companion,
You k e e p m e s t r a n g e c o m p a n y ,
Coming to me
Whenever, however, a n d
In whatever form
You d e s i r e ,
Utterly unpredictable.
T h e H i n d u s , I am told,
H a v e a c o n c e p t t h e y call
" T h e G o d o f t h e Void."
If they are referring
To Your silence w h e n I want Your voice,
To Your a p p a r e n t absence
W h e n I want Your presence,
To Your unpredictability,
To Your namelessness,
T o t h e fact t h a t Y o u a r e far m o r e e p h e m e r a l
T h a n my imagination,
T h e n I think I know
W h a t they mean.
B u t You a r e n o t a void.
A l t h o u g h Y o u a r e m o r e likely
To come to me when I am empty—
To us when we are empty—
You Y o u r s e l f a r e n o t e m p t i n e s s
Without form.
Like u s —
More than us—
Y o u a r e c a p a b l e o f e m p t y i n g Yourself,
Of setting Yourself aside
F o r t h e s a k e o f love.
But You a r e n o t a void.
R a t h e r I s h o u l d call Y o u
A G o d of F u l l n e s s .
I am n o t ready
To know Your true n a m e
N o r y e t t o s e e You
F a c e t o face.
But mysterious t h o u g h You m a y be,
You a r e n o cipher,
A n d t h e r e a r e t h i n g s I c a n tell t h e w o r l d ,
W i t h gladness, a b o u t exactly
W h o You a r e .
Most important,
You a r e a P e r s o n .
W h y do we have such t r o u b l e with this,

Wishing to n e u t e r You
I n t o s o m e a b s t r a c t "force"?
I k n o w . I d i d it myself. I w a n t e d
To be sophisticated. I wanted to be sure
P e o p l e k n e w You w e r e n ' t
My imaginary companion,
S o m e m e r e h e a v e n l y p r o j e c t i o n o f myself
A s t h e p r o v e r b i a l wise o l d m a n
With a long white beard.
H o w m a n y y e a r s was i t
B e f o r e I c o u l d finally s p e a k m y h e a r t ,
To publicly acknowledge
Your P e r s o n h o o d ?
I am so slow.
You d o n ' t have a l o n g white b e a r d .

You d o n o t e v e n h a v e a b o d y ,
As we are accustomed to think
Of bodies.
But You have a personality,
A personality definite b e y o n d o u r own,
A personality vibrant beyond o u r imagination.
A n d h o w c o u l d this b e
W e r e You n o t a P e r s o n ?
So it is of Y o u r p e r s o n a l i t y I s p e a k ,
Y o u r u n c a p t u r a b l e Spirit,
A n d m y l a n g u a g e will b e t h a t o f e m o t i o n —
Not of genes or beards or protoplasm,
A l t h o u g h I s o m e t i m e s s u p p o s e You a r e
T h e ultimate protoplasm.
T h e obvious
Is t h a t You a r e a
Loving God.
T r y i n g t o b e scientific
In my p u b l i s h e d work, I have
S h i e d away f r o m t h e e m o t i o n o f love
A n d all its c a p a c i t y f o r s e l f - d e c e p t i o n .
"The proof of the p u d d i n g is in the eating,"
A s m y g r a n d f a t h e r w o u l d h a v e said, o r
" H a n d s o m e is as h a n d s o m e does."
A n d I h a v e i n s i s t e d u p o n so-called
O p e r a t i o n a l d e f i n i t i o n s o f love.
W h i c h h a s b e e n all t o t h e g o o d ,
Save t h a t i t m a y h a v e o b s c u r e d t h e fact
We c a n n o t be loving unless we want to be,
A n d t h a t b e h i n d t h e w a n t i n g lies
An emotion—
The most unsimple and demanding
E m o t i o n t h e r e is.
R e a l love d e m a n d s
T h a t we s u f f e r — t h a t I a l l o w
My beloved to break my heart, piece by piece,
Yet still c a r r y o n ,
C o n t i n u i n g t o love w i t h a h e a r t
T h a t is ever larger as t h e result.
O n t h e eve o f h i s e x e c u t i o n
F o r p l o t t i n g , o u t o f love, t o m u r d e r
Hitler, t h e Christian martyr Dietrich B o n h o e f f e r
W r o t e : " O n l y a s u f f e r i n g G o d will d o . "
You, d e a r G o d , h a v e n o t c a l l e d m e t o q u i t e
Such agonizing complexity. Nonetheless,
Y o u h a v e p e r m i t t e d m e a taste o f i t
W h e n I have b e e n called to intervene
I n t h e lives o f o t h e r s . T h i n k i n g
O f h o w You h a v e i n t e r v e n e d i n m y o w n life
With unfailing goodness of j u d g m e n t ,
I sense the awesome energy
R e q u i r e d , a n d I k n o w You h a v e b r o o d e d
Over me with a devotion
I can barely understand.
I can only assume
Y o u suffer so o v e r us all,
A n d I am n o t sure I b e c a m e an adult
Until I began
T o feel s o r r o w for You.
But You—
Needless to say—
Are a paradoxical God,
A n d what amazes me even m o r e
T h a n Your c o n t i n u a l suffering is Your
P e r s i s t e n t gaiety. Y o u a r e a
Playful G o d ,
A n d o n e o f t h e t h i n g s I k n o w a b o u t You
Is Your sense of h u m o r —
If for no o t h e r r e a s o n t h a n it is clear
Y o u love t o c o n f o u n d m e .
As s o o n as I t h i n k
I have o b t a i n e d a h a n d l e on Your creation,
You i n s t a n t l y c o m e a l o n g t o ask,
" B u t w h a t a b o u t t h i s , Scotty?"
This defilement of my certainly
Is so r o u t i n e
I have b e e n forced to c o n c l u d e
You m u s t t a k e a c e r t a i n
D e l i g h t i n it.
I n t h e face
O f all t h e s o r r o w s o f t h e w o r l d
I am sometimes t e m p t e d to despair.
A n d this i s w h a t I f i n d m o s t s t r a n g e
A b o u t You: I c a n feel Y o u r s u f f e r i n g ,
But never have I sensed in You
O n e s e c o n d o f despair. Unlike m e ,
Your delight in Your creation seems constant.
You are, to m e , an amazingly c h e e r f u l G o d ,
A n d I p r a y t h a t s o m e d a y I shall l e a r n
Your secret.
Y o u a r e also
A sexy G o d .
N o w I s e n s e You m a l e , n o w f e m a l e ,
But never neuter.
I n d e e d , s e x i s o n e o f Y o u r tricks,
I n f i n i t e l y c o n f o u n d i n g , yet
A m o n g other things, the most glorious
Play w e h u m a n s a r e a l l o w e d —
So glorious I c a n n o t explain the pleasure
Save to p o s i t it as a gift
D e l i b e r a t e l y o f f e r e d t o give u s
A t a s t e for Y o u
A n d Y o u r playfulness.
I u s e d to s p e a k of this
I n a l e c t u r e . I t was t h e o n e
W h e r e t h e a u d i e n c e was m o s t likely
To w e e p with passion
E x c e p t for those
W h o walked out, simply
Unable to bear
Your intimacy.
Yet You a r e a G o d
Of restraint.
H a v i n g g i v e n us, i n Y o u r i m a g e ,
F r e e will, You n e v e r d i c t a t e ,
Never threaten or punish.
I do not know the boundaries
Of your power, b u t sometimes I w o n d e r
If You c a n only create,
Having l o n g ago forever forsaken
T h e capacity to destroy
Anything.
You give us o u r "space,"

Forcing nothing,
And not o n c e have I ever b e e n
Violated b y You. Y o u a r e t h e
Gentlest of Beings.
You love variety.

I n variety Y o u d e l i g h t .
I sit in a m e a d o w
On a s u m m e r afternoon,
A n d from a single spot I can observe
A h u n d r e d different plants,
A d o z e n species of w i n g e d insects,
A n d h a d I t h e vision,
W i t h i n t h e soil,
I c o u l d watch colonies of bacteria
A n d w h o l e societies of viruses
Intermingling.
But what impresses me most

I s t h e variety o f h u m a n s ,
Each with u n i q u e limitations,
E a c h w i t h u n i q u e gifts.
F r o m t h e m You have given m e
S o m a n y f r i e n d s , all d i f f e r e n t ,
A n d m y e n t i r e life h a s b e e n s p e n t
In a w e b of e x c h a n g e .
O f t e n I h a v e n o t e x c h a n g e d well.
Forgive m e , Lord,
F o r all t h o s e I h a v e failed.
I t h a n k Y o u for m y f r i e n d s
A n d , m o s t specially,
For my best friend.
Thirty-seven years ago,
W h e n Lily a n d I w e r e w e d ,
I d i d n o t k n o w w h o s h e was.
N o r she me.
N o r m u c h a b o u t ourselves.
N o r a n y t h i n g a b o u t m a r r i a g e a t all.
T h e l e a r n i n g was o f t e n t o b e p a i n f u l ,
Although without it
T h e r e would have b e e n nothing.
Somehow we m a d e it through,
A n d i t w o u l d b e w r o n g n o t t o give o u r s e l v e s
A n y c r e d i t . B u t tell m e this:
Utterly i n n o c e n t back then,
How did I know
In my blind ignorance
T h a t Lily—more different
Than I could imagine—
Was r i g h t for m e ?
I c a n n o t e x p l a i n it
U n l e s s Y o u w e r e invisibly a t m y s i d e ,
G u i d i n g m e w h i l e I , like J a c o b ,
Was u n a w a r e . A n d I,
L i k e J a c o b , m u s t also n o w e x c l a i m :
" S u r e l y G o d was i n this p l a c e , a n d I ,
I d i d n o t k n o w it."
In the end,
All t h i n g s p o i n t t o You.
We are old now—

E a r l y o l d w e h a v e lived s o h a r d —
A n d it is a t i m e of w a i t i n g ,
Tending to our aching bodies
A s b e s t w e c a n f o r w h a t e v e r little Y o u
H a v e left i n s t o r e f o r u s
Here.
Like the old,

We look back,
F a c i n g failures a n d enjoying
T h e successes of o u r past.
We can a c c o u n t for t h e failures. T h e successes
Seem the m o r e mysterious. Again
We take s o m e credit, b u t again
We k n o w You have h e l p e d us
I n all w e h a v e a c h i e v e d .
T h i s l o o k i n g b a c k i s p a r t o f d e t a c h i n g . Mostly
We are looking forward.
M u c h a s I h a v e e n j o y e d this w o r l d
I h a v e f o r e v e r felt o n e p a r t
A l i e n , as if I d i d n o t q u i t e
Belong here. A decade ago,
After a five-day m e e t i n g that he led,
Jim—a most extraordinary man—commented,
"Scotty, I h a v e no i d e a
What planet we're from
But it seems to have b e e n
The same one."
A y e a r later, a l m o s t to t h e day,
W a l k i n g across a street in F r a n c e ,
J i m was h i t b y a c a r f r o m b e h i n d .
I t k i l l e d h i m instantly. M y r e a c t i o n
W a s o n e p a r t g r i e f a n d two p a r t s
Envy.
A r o u n d t h a t time I r e a d a w o r k of
S c i e n c e fiction. Its s t o r y was t h a t
Of aliens w h o , in the guise of h u m a n s ,
Colonized earth. At one point
A few o f t h e i r n u m b e r w e r e g i v e n
The opportunity to return
To their original planet. I threw
The book down on my bedclothes,
S o b b i n g t o You,
"Lord, I want to go h o m e .
Please take m e h o m e . "
Now,
A d e c a d e later,
I d o n o t feel s o f r a n t i c
As it b e c o m e s ever m o r e clear
It won't be so long before
I g e t my wish.
I'm coming home, Lord!
I have no desire
T o d i s p a r a g e this w o r l d .
T h e o l d e r I am t h e m o r e I c a n see
H o w p r e c i o u s i t i s t o You.
Y o u h a v e set i t b e f o r e u s
F o r a p u r p o s e . You h a v e l a i d i t o u t
L i k e a j i g s a w p u z z l e to w h i c h
T h e b o x h a s b e e n lost. B u t t h e p i e c e s
Are so colorful we children c a n n o t h e l p
B u t p i c k t h e m u p a n d s t a r t t o play.
Painstakingly, w e p u t o n e p i e c e t o g e t h e r
With another.
T h e puzzle is h u g e .
Eventually it dawns on us
W e will n e v e r b e g i n t o h a v e e n o u g h t i m e
T o c o m p l e t e it. T h i s m a y b e
A m o m e n t for despair, t e m p t i n g us
T o d i s c a r d You, Y o u a r e s o m u c h l a r g e r t h a n u s .
Yet, i f w e a r e a l e r t , t h e r e a r e o t h e r
L e s s o n s t o b e l e a r n e d . I n fact,
T h e puzzle is so h u g e it is a m a z i n g
W e can p u t o n e piece t o g e t h e r with a n o t h e r
A t all. I t s e e m s a l m o s t
P u r e l u c k , save t h a t i t h a p p e n s s o f r e q u e n t l y
W e s e n s e o u r h a n d s a n d eyes h a v e b e e n g u i d e d
By an instinct we c a n n o t explain. W h o
Has not had the experience? T h e n
T h o s e few p i e c e s p u t t o g e t h e r
O f f e r u s tiny g l i m p s e s o f t h e w h o l e
A n d it l o o k s b e a u t i f u l . . . d e s i g n e d l y e n t i c i n g . Finally,
W e f i n d i n t h o s e few a t t a c h e d f r a g m e n t s o c c a s i o n a l
Cryptic messages. O n c e I interdigitated
P i e c e s t h a t f i t i n t o a s t r a n g e sign.
I t was i n F r e n c h a n d r e a d :
" A i m e z - v o u s les U n s les A u t r e s . "
D o w i t h this w h a t y o u will.
I myself h a v e c h o s e n , by Y o u r g r a c e ,
To see it as something m o r e
T h a n a childish g a m e . A n d s o m e soon day
I i m a g i n e I may even see
T h e p i c t u r e o n t h e b o x , or,
L e d d e e p e r i n t o Y o u r mystery,
B e h a n d e d a j i g s a w o r else,
As a t r e m b l i n g a p p r e n t i c e ,
Even a paintbrush.
In the meantime
T h a n k you for letting m e k n o w
T h a t it is You
W h o are the n a m e of the game.
Acknowledgments
A s was t h e c a s e w i t h m y p r e v i o u s b o o k s , t h e r e i s n o way I c a n
t h a n k t h e h u n d r e d s w h o h a v e s u p p o r t e d m e i n w r i t i n g this o n e .
A n d , as usual, I m u s t t h a n k those s a m e key p e o p l e w h o k e e p
h a n g i n g i n w i t h m e y e a r after year, b o o k after b o o k : Gail P u t e r -
b a u g h , S u s a n P o i t r a s , V a l e r i e Duffy; m y a g e n t , J o n a t h a n D o l -
g e r ; m y " s e n i o r " e d i t o r s , F r e d Hills a n d B u r t o n Beals; a n d t h e
o n e w h o h a s h u n g i n l o n g e r t h a n a n y o n e , m y e v e r - g r o w i n g wife
of thirty-seven y e a r s , Lily.
B u t this i s n o t m y u s u a l b o o k , a n d t h e r e i s o n e p e r s o n I
h a v e t o s i n g l e o u t for m y very s p e c i a l a p p r e c i a t i o n . B e c a u s e s o
m u c h o f its s u b j e c t m a t t e r h a s b e e n s o c l o s e t o m e f o r s o l o n g , I
have n e e d e d a very special k i n d of editorial assistance to h e l p
m e s e e t h e w o o d s for t h e t r e e s . T h e r i g h t p e r s o n f o r this j o b
h a d t o b e s o m e o n e o f p a r t i c u l a r s o p h i s t i c a t i o n i n t h e d i v e r s e ar-
eas of psychology, theology, a n d editing. I n d e e d , I h a d to wait
t h e b e t t e r p a r t o f a y e a r f o r s e r e n d i p i t y t o b r i n g this "just r i g h t "
p e r s o n t o m y d o o r . T h a t p e r s o n was F a n n i e L e F l o r e . I t was a
p l e a s u r e t o w o r k w i t h s o m e o n e w i t h s u c h tact, h u m o r , h u m a n -
ity, a n d f i e r c e i n t e l l i g e n c e . T h a n k y o u , F a n n i e . I c o u l d n ' t h a v e
d o n e it without you.
Notes
ABBREVIATIONS
MSP = M. Scott Peck

TRLT = The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional
Values and Spiritual Growth (New York: Simon & Schuster,
1978)
POL = People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil (New York:
Simon & Schuster, 1983)
FARLT = Further Along the Road Less Traveled: The Unending Journey
Toward Spiritual Growth (New York: Simon & Schuster,
1993)
DD = The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace (New York:
Simon & Schuster, 1987)
WWTBB = A World Waiting to Be Born: Civility Rediscovered (New York:
Bantam Books, 1993)
TFS = The Friendly Snowflake: A Fable of Faith, Love and Family (At-
lanta: Turner Publishing, 1992)
BBTW = A Bed by the Window: A Novel of Mystery and Redemption ( N e w
York: Bantam Books, 1990)
WRCIM = What Return Can I Make? Dimensions of the Christian Experi-
ence (with Marilyn von Waldner and Patricia Kay) (New
York: Simon & Schuster, 1985)
GFTJ = Gifts for the Journey: Treasures of the Christian Life (formerly ti-
tled What Return Can I Make?) (San Francisco: HarperSan-
Francisco, 1995)
ISOS = In Search of Stones: A Pilgrimage of Faith, Reason and Discovery
(New York: Hyperion Books, 1995)
DOTS = Denial of the Soul: Spiritual and Medical Perspectives on Eu-
thanasia (New York: Harmony Books, 1997)
CHAPTER 1: THINKING
PAGE
25 "It is not through": Leonard Hodgson, The Doctrine of the Trinity
(London: Nisbet and Co., 1943), p. 138.
28 passive dependent personality: TRLT, p. 99.
32 "A lie which is h a l f : from "The Grandmother" by Alfred, L o r d
Tennyson.
35 Such thinking may border on the irrational: POL, p. 212.
43 Now I have the illusion: ISOS, p. 149.
43 "Neurosis is always": Collected Works of C. G.Jung, Bollingen Series,
No. 20, Psychology and Religion: West and East, R. F. C. H u l l , transl.
(2nd ed.; Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, 1973), vol.
2, p. 75.
44 "True to form": TRLT, p. 17.
50 An industrial psychologist once pointed out: See TRLT, p. 121.
51 the will to extend oneself for mutual growth: See TRLT,
pp. 81-84.
55 "a radical response": Matthew Fox, On Becoming a Musical Mysti-
cal Bear (Mahwah, N.J. Paulist Press, 1976).
57 a conversation I had with a wealthy white stockbroker: ISOS,
pp. 9-10.
58 Sunday morning Christian: DD, pp. 234-35; ISOS, p. 367.
59 what the patient does not say: DD, p. 237.
CHAPTER 2: CONSCIOUSNESS
PAGE
63 In In Search of Stones, I wrote: ISOS, pp. 348-49.
67 This loss is symbolized: FARLT, pp. 18-19.
68 In contrast, the impulse to do evil: See FARLT, p. 109.
70 I wrote in People of the Lie: POL, pp. 67-68.
72 The case of Bobby and his parents: ibid., pp. 47-61.
74 The Shadow: The term implies our "dark" side. I place quote
marks around the word "dark" here because as I've become in-
creasingly conscious of our cultural tendency to distort language,
I take care to avoid stereotyping on the basis of color and racial
connotations. Thus readers should view the word here symboli-
cally, not literally.
75 It is our most effective safeguard: WRCIM, pp. 60-62.
80 transcendent ego: See WWTBB, pp. 23-26.

82 "Perhaps the best measure": TRLT, p. 76.
82 The Price of Greatness (New York: Guilford Press, 1995).
83 A woman named Jane: See WWTBB, pp. 246-48.
84 Yet another painful burden: See TRLT, p. 288.
86 Naturally associated with our reluctance: ISOS, pp. 133-34.
88 Living Our Dying (New York: Hyperion, 1996).
89 "Throughout the whole of life": TRLT, p. 74.
90 "Wisdom is a spirit": WRCIM, p. 120.
90 Of this still, small voice I gave another example: WRCIM,
pp. 124-25; GFTJ, pp. 110-12.
91 I myself had a dream: FARLT, pp. 163-64.
CHAPTER 3: LEARNING AND GROWTH
PAGE
96 my experiences of grace: See TRLT, pp. 307-12
97 I define the soul: Among its other imperfections, this definition
begs the question of whether animals and other life forms have
souls.
102 "Do as I say, not as I do" parents: TRLT, pp. 17-26.
103 Time magazine: October 2, 1995.
104 "the latter part of a man's life": source unknown.
105 Strong-willed people have a lot of learning to do: ISOS, p. 231.
105 In his book Will and Spirit: See FARLT, p. 37. See also Will and
Spirit (New York: Harper & Row, 1987).
106 people's capacity to love: TRLT, pp. 299-300.
107 "A man may perform": source unknown.
107 "in harmony with an unseen order of things": WWTBB,
pp. 45-49.
108 In In Search of Stones, I wrote: ISOS, p. 305.
110 So at the age of fifteen: WWTBB, pp. 112-13.
110 In A World Waiting to Be Born, I wrote: WWTBB, p. 113.
112 So growing out of narcissism: ISOS, pp. 304—307.
114 Another example involves: FARLT, pp. 87-97.
114 as I wrote in The Road Less Traveled: TRLT, pp. 22-26.
116 Because the further we proceed in diminishing our narcissism:
FARLT, pp. 67-68.
117 On Death and Dying (New York: Macmillan, 1970).
120 I killed the desire to win at games: TRLT, pp. 67-69.
121 in The Different Drum I describe it: DD, pp. 94-103.

127 The Spirituality of Imperfection (New York: Bantam, 1994).
128 Indeed, when we realize: FARLT, p. 23.
130 "It is not enough to study": ISOS, p. 15.
131 A Question of Values (San Francisco: Harper, 1991). Although I
admire this work immensely, I take some issue with Lewis. I
would delete "science," because I consider it a "hybrid" value of
reason, experience, and authority, and I would add "revelation"
as something that I think is quite different from intuition.
132 It is both our psychological and our spiritual task: WRCIM,
p. 150.
132 I have told the story of my learning experience: WRCIM,
pp.149-50.
136 The Fifth Discipline (New York: Doubleday, 1990).
CHAPTER 4: PERSONAL LIFE CHOICES

PAGES
140 So there are at least: FARLT, pp. 29-32.
143 Neurotic guilt is unnecessary: FARLT, pp. 21-22.
144 Although triumph isn't guaranteed: TRLT, pp. 15-17.
147 Those with character disorders: TRLT, pp. 35-37.
148 Submission implies an effective submission: WWTBB, p. 48.
152 "There is no neutral ground in the universe": POL, p. 83.
152 What God calls me to do: WWTBB, p. 61.
153 A forty-year-old sergeant major: WWTBB, pp. 62-64.
159 A modicum of depression: ISOS, pp. 133-34.
162 In A World Waiting to Be Born: WWTBB, pp. 166-68.
CHAPTER 5: ORGANIZATIONAL LIFE CHOICES

PAGES
171 "systems theory": WWTBB, pp. 18-20.
171 the presence of a brand-new part: WWTBB, pp. 34-35.
173 the hole in the mind: WWTBB, chapter 4: "The Hole in the
M i n d : The Lack of Group Consciousness," pp. 29-41.
174 For a fuller discussion of ethics and civility, see WWTBB,
pp. 43-54.
178 Discussion of roles in Pecks' marriage: DD, pp. 53-58.
183 Employees often suffer grievously: The anecdote that follows

also appears in WWTBB, pp. 36-39.
187 The work at FCE: WWTBB, pp. 332-36.
187 As I noted in The Road Less Traveled: TRLT, pp. 65-66.
191 "What happens when": WRCIM, p. 152.
192 The Wounded Healer (New York: Doubleday, 1979).
194 The spirit of "dirty tricks" was virtually everywhere: WWTBB,
p. 258.
CHAPTER 6: CHOICES ABOUT SOCIETY

PAGES
205 as I made quite clear in People of the Lie: POL, p. 211.
205 Using My Lai as a case study: POL, pp. 217-18.
206 When any institution becomes: FARLT, p. 180; DD, p. 251.
212 Whenever someone is bold enough to ask me: FARLT, p. 115.
214 "The truth will set you free our glory as human beings:
DD, pp. 178-84.
217 Perhaps no pitfall is more dangerous: The sense of entitlement
to peace is discussed in ISOS, pp. 254—56.
217 the Prince of Peace: ISOS, p. 260.
226 It's just that as a Depression baby: ISOS, pp. 176-78.
232 "It is almost always easier": quoted in Smithsonian, v. 26, no. 12
(March 1996), p. 56.
232 Yet its influence is greater than ever: ISOS, pp. 172-73.
233 We were able to meet: ISOS, pp. 276-77.
233 In A World Waiting to Be Born: WWTBB, p. 222.
235 "Now there are diversities of gifts": I Corinthians 12:4-26.
236 what a wonderfully variegated fabric we are: WWTBB, pp. 223-
24.
CHAPTER 7: THE "SCIENCE" OF GOD
PAGES
243 The use of measurement: TRLT, p. 226.
243 "To what appear to be": quoted in TRLT, p. 227. Originally in
Science and the Common Understanding (New York: Simon &
Schuster, 1953), p. 40.
244 the sacred consciousness and the secular consciousness: Ascent

of the Mountain, Flight of the Dove (New York: Harper & Row,
1978).
246 Stages of Faith (New York: Harper & Row, 1981).
248 "My Name is Legion": Masterpieces of Religious Verse (New York:
Harper & Row, 1948), p. 274.
249 "Henceforth you will be called Israel": Genesis 32:22-32; I am
indebted to Frederick Buechner for bringing the meaning of
this story home to me in his superb book of sermons, appropri-
ately named after this great myth: The Magnificent Defeat (New
York: Seabury, 1968).
250 We are all Israel: DD, pp. 206-208.
251 Since natural knowledge became: FARLT, p. 236.
251 This unwritten social contract is tearing us apart: FARLT,
pp. 179-80.
256 The Holy Conjunction is the conjunction of integrity: ISOS,
pp. 368-69.
258 we fail to take full advantage of them: TRLT, pp. 257-58.
258 The indications of grace a n d / o r serendipity: TRLT, p. 260.
265 We must let them be true gifts: TRLT, pp. 309-10.
269 nowhere else on earth: POL, p. 264.
270 The deepest healing: WRCIM, p. 14.
273 A n d the most common emotional response: DD, pp. 86-105.
280 In A World Waiting to Be Born: WWTBB, p. 360.
283 Indeed, we might think on our more optimistic days: WWTBB,
pp. 359-63.
283 A n d there are also many other things: John 21:25.
284 The Weight of Glory & Other Addresses (New York: Macmillan,
1980).
286 "It is a terrifying thing": FARLT, p. 234.
About the Author
M. Scott Peck, M.D., is a psychiatrist a n d best-selling a u t h o r of

m a n y b o o k s . E d u c a t e d a t H a r v a r d (B.A.) a n d C a s e W e s t e r n Re-
s e r v e ( M . D . ) , Dr. P e c k s e r v e d i n a d m i n i s t r a t i v e p o s t s i n t h e gov-
e r n m e n t d u r i n g h i s c a r e e r i n t h e A r m y M e d i c a l C o r p s , a n d was
t h e n a p s y c h i a t r i s t i n p r i v a t e p r a c t i c e f r o m 1972 t o 1 9 8 4 . F o r
t h e p a s t t h i r t e e n y e a r s , h e h a s d e v o t e d m u c h o f h i s t i m e a n d fi-
n a n c i a l r e s o u r c e s t o t h e w o r k o f t h e F o u n d a t i o n for C o m m u -
nity E n c o u r a g e m e n t , a n o n p r o f i t o r g a n i z a t i o n t h a t h e a n d h i s
wife, Lily, h e l p e d f o u n d i n 1 9 8 4 . H e lives i n n o r t h w e s t C o n -
necticut.
All w h o wish t o e x p l o r e F C E ' s services
o r s u p p o r t its m i s s i o n
a r e w e l c o m e t o w r i t e o r call
T h e F o u n d a t i o n for C o m m u n i t y E n c o u r a g e m e n t
P.O. Box 449
Ridgefield, C o n n e c t i c u t 06877
P h o n e : (203) 431-9484
FAX: ( 2 0 3 ) 4 3 1 - 9 3 4 9

M. Scott Peck-The Road Less Traveled and Beyond

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Copyright © 1997 by M. Scott Peck

SIMON & SCHUSTER a n d c o l o p h o n are registered trademarks

Designed by Irving Perkins Associates

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

I acknowledge with gratitude t h e c o o p e r a t i o n of all my publishers, i n c l u d i n g

PART I: CRUSADE AGAINST SIMPLISM

3: Learning and Growth 95

PART II: WRESTLING WITH THE COMPLEXITY OF EVERYDAY LIFE

4: Personal Life Choices 139

The Paradoxes of Time and Money

PART III: THE OTHER SIDE OF COMPLEXITY

7: The "Science" of God 241

8: The "Poetry" of God 287

I AM SIXTY YEARS OF AGE. T h a t statistic m e a n s d i f f e r e n t t h i n g s f o r

ize t h a t i n t h e i r o w n u n i q u e ways t h e y h a v e all b e e n a t t e m p t s t o

n o t be b l i n d e d by the brilliant beauty of t h e spiritual realm."

*The exact origin of the q u o t e of the q u o t e is u n k n o w n , b u t I am grateful to

In Part I, "Crusade Against Simplism," I decry t h e primitive

I FIRST MET M. SCOTT PECK in t h e s u m m e r of 1 9 9 5 . I h a d w r i t t e n

tial b o o k , The Road Less Traveled h e l p e d b r i d g e t h e g a p b e t w e e n

t h r o u g h the countryside of Wales, E n g l a n d , a n d Scotland that

IN IRELAND, THE MIDDLE EAST, SOMALIA, Sri L a n k a , a n d c o u n t l e s s

is difficult." In Further Along the Road Less Traveled, I a d d e d t h a t

t i c i p a n t s felt so o v e r w h e l m e d by all t h a t is really i n v o l v e d in

fullest capacity. T h e p o i n t i s n o t t h a t w e s h o u l d n ' t t r u s t o u r

THE POINT OF HAVING A BRAIN

don't learn from them. But it would be nonsense to presume

SIMPLISM AND SOCIETY

when we are uncomfortable, w h e n we're n o t feeling h a p p y or

should have followed h e r own h u n c h e s a b o u t getting m a r r i e d .

WHAT'S IN FASHION ISN'T NECESSARILY FASHIONABLE

T h e extensive influence of fashion in o u r culture often leads

ASSUMPTIONS, STEREOTYPES, AND LABELING

To assume we know everything, a n d particularly s o m e t h i n g we

information necessary to s u p p o r t o u r conclusions. Sometimes,

COMMON CRIMINAL THINKING

If w e ' r e h o n e s t with ourselves, m o s t of us m u s t a d m i t that at

THINKING T O O LITTLE IS YOUR PROBLEM

c h a n g e . Like J o h n , m a n y p e o p l e r u n from the c h a n g e neces-

L e t m e p o i n t o u t t h a t all o f u s h a v e t o live w i t h s o m e illu-

THINKING T O O MUCH IS SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM

A l t h o u g h often w e d o d a m a g e t o ourselves t h r o u g h simplistic

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE IN-BETWEEN

W h y s h o u l d I r i s k c h a n g i n g m y beliefs? W h y s h o u l d n ' t I j u s t give

He described h e r as stunningly beautiful a n d went on a n d

THINKING AND LISTENING

c o m m u n i c a t i o n . It s h o u l d go w i t h o u t saying you c a n ' t truly

t e n i n g well involves b r a c k e t i n g , it a l s o involves a t e m p o r a r y t o -

FREEDOM AND THINKING

T h e r e is a sharp distinction between disordered a n d clear

TIME AND EFFICIENCY

A l o n g with t h e belief m o s t p e o p l e have that they naturally k n o w

t u n a t e t o live i n a society t h a t allows u s t o u s e o u r t i m e effi-

talking to G o d (which is w h a t m o s t p e o p l e would consider

time. Rather, we can learn m u c h from g o o d leaders a n d teach-

PARADOX AND THINKING WITH INTEGRITY

I believe that those w h o subscribe to t h e n o t i o n that t h e r e a r e

THE POINT OF THINKING WELL IS to b e c o m e m o r e c o n s c i o u s ,

THE MYSTERY OF CONSCIOUSNESS

D e s c a r t e s i s m o s t f a m o u s for h i s s t a t e m e n t " C o g i t o , e r g o s u m " —

REVISITING O U R FRONTAL LOBES

In the preceding chapter, I wrote that o n e of the things that