My Culture Shock Experience

When I came to Cincinnati as an au-pair a lot of things there were different from what I knew. My
host family lived in a huge house I could only describe as a “castle”. In Germany I had lived in a
small apartment together with my mom. Soon I found out that the house I now called my “new
home” was by far not the biggest one in our neighborhood but rather small.

Something else I had to get used to was that everybody was very friendly and polite. That is what I
saw in the American’s “How are you?” and “I like your necklace.” and “Excuse me.” when they
were walking by at least 3 feet away from me. For they must have not seen a German au-pair
before most people I met asked me all kinds of questions about Germany. They had weird ideas of
what it was like there, pictues that where at least one hundred years old. I was not used to having
so much attention but I learned to enjoy it. I made a lot of friends I started to hang out with them.

Of course, there were a number of new things, and it took me the whole year to find them all out
but after a couple of weeks I stopped comparing Germany and the USA. I never got homesick or
felt like I was misplaced. I think I had a good understanding of that Americans have different
priorities sometimes and that there is a cultural difference which I have to accept. Perhaps I also
did not have too many negative experiences and felt loved and welcomed there.

If I ever felt the negative way of a culture shock then it happened back in Germany. I was
frustrated by the way people would run me over and not even say “Sorry.” Taking up my studies
at the TU-Dresden I felt lonely. Everybody here seemed to be withdrawn and I missed my hugs
and my friends’ loving words. I missed everything I had in Cincinnati. Germany was so ‘cold’. I
found it so much harder to make new friends, most of my old ones here were gone. Honestly I did
not even want to meet those again. I wished for nothing more than to go back to my “real home”.

After a while I did meet some new people. But it took me some time to actually be willing to do
so. Afterwards I know that it was to a high degree my own fault because I could not accept that
my year as an au-pair had already been over. After six months I got a roommate and at least two
more friends. I also flew back to Cincinnati several times for long periods. I felt that without those
visits I was not able to make it.

Now I am over this German culture shock. It almost took me an entire year. I am still going back
an d forward between Dresden and Cincinnati
four times a year. But I have friends there and here I stay in touch with when
I am in either place.

Culture shock is when we leave your comfort zone and go somewhere new and notice all the differences and
start to miss the familiarity of our home. Once we’ve become accustomed to these differences we begin to
accept them and the culture shock feeling gradually wears off. Reverse culture shock is when we return to your
original comfort zone but realize that we have changed and things that may have been comfortable before are
no longer as comforting.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
I am from the Democratic Republic of Congo, but I left there for political reasons. I
arrived in Stoke-on-Trent on 27th April this year.

There are so many differences between the Congo and Stoke--the first thing I noticed
here was the people.

They are so polite!

When people bump into you they say 'sorry!' The say sorry all the time here.

The other difference is in the bus station. When you are waiting to get on the bus, you
have to queue.

We have queues in the Congo, of course, but if you want to jump the queue there, it's
okay. It's not okay to do that here. I know. I tried.

The other big difference between Stoke and the Congo is the food.

In the Congo, we eat cassava bread and foufou--a kind of semolina. Here they eat
broccoli, salad, potatoes, chips, burgers. I saw some hot dogs in Tesco, but I was
afraid! Was this food for me or for dogs?!

The biggest difference is the weather. In Congo we have 2 seasons--dry season and
rainy season. Here you have the rainy season any time. It rains anytime anytime.

I go to school here to learn English and to make friends. This is good because I am
alone here--my family are all in the Congo.

I want to understand more about England and English people. I want to understand the
laws of England so I can respect them. Slowly I am learning more and more.
 …………………………………………………………………………………………………………
When communicating with people with different cultural background, whether it is for business or
more of personal character, there is always a danger for misunderstanding. Even if both parties
speak fluent English or other common language, the cultural background and native tongue of the
speakers will in most cases shine through and influence their way of speaking and understanding.
 
Recently, I received a scanned photo copy of the “Good Wife’s Guide” from the May 13, 1955 edition of
Housekeeping Monthly.

At the top there is a drawing of a woman in a 50’s style dress, high heels and pearls standing at the
stove stirring something. A little girl and little boy are looking in their Daddy’s briefcase for something –
they are nicely dressed at well. And the husband is in a suit, standing by the stove smiling at his wife. It
makes me laugh.Then I read the content of the tips! Oh my gosh!

And then I wondered what a ‘good wife’ would look like in the year 2007. I know she wouldn’t look the
same. She’d be wearing jeans as soon as she got home from work – provided she gets home before her
husband. The kids would be toting skateboards and wearing jeans. Dad might still be wearing a suite
when he gets home from work, but he’d be toting some groceries and getting ready to make dinner, I
would imagine.

HM: Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for
his return. this is a way o f letting him k now that you have been thinking about him and are concerned
about hiss needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal
(especially h is favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

KD: If you have time and the energy after work, and only if you can do it with joy, make dinner for your
beloved. It is a gift from you to him. If you don’t have time and it does not meet your needs, do not
prepare dinner. It is better to do it another day when you can do it with joy.

HM: Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. touch up your
make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary
people.

KD: Prepare yourself for your return to the house or your beloved’s return. Decide what points about
your day you’d like to share and decide whether it will meet your needs to talk right away or if you’ll
need some down time, alone, in order to empty your own cup.

HM: Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your
duties is to provide it.

KD: Be yourself. Express your feelings honestly. There’s nothing more disconnecting than somebody
pretending to be something they’re not. In order to build intimacy in the relationship, be prepared to
express your feelings and needs in a nonviolent way.

HM:
• Clear away the clutter. Make on last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband
arrives.

• Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

KD: If you’ve got time and it meets your own needs for support , order and harmony, then clean the
house up a bit when you get home. if this does not meet your needs, then do not do it. Only do the
cleaning if it brings you joy. Your spouse and your family would probably much rather have some dust o
n the tables and toys on the floor and a joyful, relaxed m other than a clean house and a stressed out
Mom.

HM: Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your
husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all,
catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

KD: Catering to your partner’s comfort can bring you immense satisfaction when it meets your needs for
support and contribution to others and when it is done as a gift. If you lack the energy and inclination,
but would like a fire, it is best to make a request to your partner to light the fire, if it would meet his
needs. If not, you may just curl up together on the sofa and create your own warmth that night. There
are many different strategies for creating warmth.

HM: Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small),
comb their hair and if necessary, change their clothes. they are little treasures and he would like to see
them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer,
dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

KD: Encourage your children to express their feelings and needs to you nonviolently. If you can, try to
meet their needs. This always makes a person feel good – to be able to contribute to their children. If,
when you get home, your cup is full, let your children know that and let them know it has nothing to do
with them, but that you need a few minutes to empty your won cup before you unwind and have a
conversation with them. Let them know that they are important to you. They will let you know you are
important to them in their own way. Same process goes for Dad, too.

HM: • Be happy to see him.• Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please
him.

KD: Again, be sincere in the expression of your emotions. People know when you’re pretending. And
even if they don’t know, you do. There’s nothing more harmful to your self-esteem than to feel like you
can’t be yourself – to feel like that if you’re honest and sincere, people won’t like you. It’s not worth
undermining y our own well-being in order to please the other person. In the long run, they’d rather be
with a content, emotionally well-balanced person than a basket-case.

HM: Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is
not the time. Let him talk first - - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

KD: Remember, nobody is more important than you. And also remember that basis for any relationship
is giving and receiving. you can give to your partner by listening deeply to what they have to say. And
you can also give by connecting with your partner in the expression of your own observations, feelings
and needs from the day. If your partner begins to attack, remember to translate what they are saying
into the underlying feelings and needs. try not t o take the attack personally. if this is too difficult, then
express your own feelings and needs nonviolently and take some time to empty your won cup.

HM: Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places
of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very
real need to be at home and relax.

KD: If your partner’s behavior does not meet your own needs for a supportive and loving relationship,
then it is best to clear some time to sit down with your partner and discuss this in terms of feelings and
needs (not attacks and accusations). Remember to give empathy to your partner for the pain t hey are in
that is causing them to act in a way that is not supportive of the relationship. Underneath the behavior
that is not bringing joy, there is a beautiful need. Once you understand the beautiful needs on both sides
of the relationship, then you’ll be able to discuss strategies that will support you both.

HM: Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your
husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

KD: Your Goal: to have a loving, supportive and intimate relationship for both partners.

HM:• Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor
compared to what he might have gone through that day.

• Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the
master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no
right to question him.

KD: Ask him questions about his feelings and needs and observations about his day. If you are not
enjoying listening to his conversation, then express this nonviolently so that he doesn’t end up feeling
goofy about blathering on to somebody who really doesn’t want to be listening. If something he says
upsets you then express this immediately and nonviolently. Express the feeling what he said brings up in
you and then express what need of yours it does not meet. Ask him what feeling comes up in him when
he hears you say this. Continue the conversation nonviolently.

HM: A good wife always knows her place.

KD: A joyful wife is sincere, open and honest.