Jokes and Funny Dialogues PDF

The Perfect Son Attention
A: I have the perfect son. Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me!
B: Does he smoke? Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays
A: No, he doesn't. any attention to what I have to say.
B: Does he drink whiskey? Doctor: Next please!
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late? Ten dollars
A: No, he doesn't. Two boys were arguing when the teacher
B: I guess you really do have the perfect entered the room. The teacher says, "Why
son. How old is he? are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We
A: He will be six months old next found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it
Wednesday. to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves,"
Mice family said the teacher, "When I was your age I did-
A family of mice was surprised by a big n't even know what a lie was." The boys gave
cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow- the ten dollars to the teacher.
wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that,
Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, Boy or girl
that's why it's important to learn a second A: Just look at that young person with the
language." short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
Wooden leg A:Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you
My friend said he knew a man with a were her father.
wooden leg named Smith. B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
So I asked him "What was the name of his
other leg?" The first day
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at
school?"
It hurts Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go
A man goes to the doctor and says,
back tomorrow?
"Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
I don't know!
The man says, "When I touch my shoul-
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle
der, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - of the verb to ring?"
OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
really hurts." Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
with you - you've broken your finger!"
Attaining wisdom
The spoon Once someone asked Hodja, "How can
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye one attain wisdom?" Hodja replied, "Always
whenever I drink tea. listen attentively to what the wise and
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug learned men tell you. And when you are
before you drink. speaking to others, listen carefully to what
you are saying!"
JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 199

First day at school
Uncle -How did you like your first day at
school, David?
David -Oh, it wasn't bad, but there was a
big man in front who kept spoiling all the fun.
Thief
Policeman -This man is charged with steal-
ing an elephant, sir.
Judge -Search him!
Glasses
Joe -Do your glasses magnify, Mum?
Mum -Yes, Joe.
Joe -Well, please take them off when you
cut me my piece of tart.
A bargain
The Hodja always wanted to learn some-
thing new, and one day he had a sudden
inspiration to learn how to play the lute. He
approached a music teacher and asked him,
Egyptian flu "How much do you charge for private lute
lessons?" "Three silver pieces for the first
Did you hear about the pharaoh who had
month; after that one silver piece a month."
Egyptian flu?
"Oh, great!" exclaimed Hodja. "Then I'll start
He caught it from his mummy'!
with the second month."
A cup of coffee
Bobby -Pa, does a cup of coffee do any
Seasons
Teacher -How many seasons are there in
harm?
the year?
Pa - No, Bobby.
Sandy -Two, sir: football and basketball.
Bobby -That's lucky! I've just spilled one
over your new suit.
Twenty times
Policeman McDonald -I know a man who shaves
more than twenty times a day.
What do you get if you dial 666?
McDougall -Who?
A policeman standing on his hands!
McDonald -A barber.
French
Smith-Did you have much trouble with
Flies
Why were the flies playing football on the
your French when you went to Paris?
saucer?
Adams -No, But the Parisians did!
Because they were playing for the cup!
Twins
Dan -My girlfriend's one of twins.
Get your coat on
What did the big tooth say to the small
Dave -How can you tell them apart?
tooth? ''Get your coat on, the dentist is tak-
Dan -Her brother's got a beard!
ing us out!''
New house
Where does a king go to buy a new house?
He forgot
Sister -How did Mum find out you hadn't
Newcastle!
washed yourself?
Brother -I forgot to wet the soap!
200 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

Taxi
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Grave
A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his
grave.
Short talk
A teenage girl had been talking on the
phone for about half an hour, and then she
hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short.
You usually talk for two hours. What hap-
Let's share
Man: I want to share everything with you.
pened?"
Woman: Let's start from your bank
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
account.
Punishment A hundred dollar bill
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for
Teacher: Why are you late?
something I didn't do?"
Student: There was a man who lost a
TEACHER: "Of course not."
hundred dollar bill.
PUPIL:"Good, because I haven't done my
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping
homework."
him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Fifty five
A teacher asked a student to write 55. Thump in the soup
Student asked: How? Customer:Excuse me, but I saw your
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
The student wrote 5 and stopped. Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't
Teacher: What are you waiting for? hot.
Student: I don't know which side to write
the other 5! Cheap apartment
The real estate agent says, "I have a
May I! good, cheap apartment for you."
Little Johnny:Teacher, can I go to the The man replies, "By the week or by the
bathroom? month?"
Teacher:Little Johnny, MAY I go to the The agent answers, "By the garbage
bathroom? dump.."
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Funnier
Idiot "You look very funny wearing that belt."
Son: Dad, what is an idiot? "I would look even funnier if I didn't wear
Dad:An idiot is a person who tries to it."
explain his ideas in such a strange and long
way that another person who is listening to Which part
him can't understand him. Do you under- "I was born in California."
stand me? "Which part?"
Son: No. "All of me."
End of the world Decisions

Man:I could go to the end of the world for Teacher: Do you have trouble making
you. decisions?
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? Student: Well...yes and no.

Vampire
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by
a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your
neck leaks.
The blood
A: When I stand on my head the blood
rushes to my head, but when I stand on my
feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why
is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
Homework
Teacher: Did your father help you with
your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
Questions
One day a neighbor inquired of Hodja,
"Why do you always answer a question with
another question?" He replied, "Do I?"
Sugar
Teacher: What are some products of the
West Indies?
Simple present Student: I don't know.
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you
verb "to walk" in simple present.
get sugar from?
The student: I walk. You walk....
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker
please. Werewolf
The student: I run. You run... I used to be a werewolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !
The dishes
Father: What did you do today to help Stop
your mother? "Spell STOP three times."
Son: I dried the dishes "STOP, STOP, STOP "
Daughter:And I helped pick up the pieces. "What do you do when you come to a
green light?"
Breakfast (Answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
A:Look at your face I know what you have "What, at a GREEN light?"
for breakfast
B: What was it? Frog
A: Eggs. In a restaurant:
B: No, that was yesterday. Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog
in my soup!!!
Race Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup. Pretty ugly
A: Who will get the cup? Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm
B: The person who wins. ugly. What do you think, Peter?
A: Then why are all the others running? Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

Big men
A visitor to the Mid West asked: 'Any big
men ever born in this town?'
'No,' came the reply. 'Just little babies.'
William Shakespeare
A guide was showing tourists around the
museum at Strafford upon Avon.
'This is the skull of William Shakespeare,'
he told the group.
'But it's the skull of a boy!' exclaimed one
tourist.
'Yes,' said the guide, blushing. 'That must
have been when he was a lad.'
Stop screaming!
Dentist: 'Stop screaming! I haven't even
touched your tooth. In fact you're not on the
chair yet.'
Boy: 'I know, but you're standing on my
foot!' Insecticide
'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'
How long? 'Oh, dear, it must have committed insecti-
Customer: 'Excuse me, but how long have cide.'
you been working here?'
Waitress: 'About three months, sir.' Meat
Customer: 'Oh. Then it couldn't have been 'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'
you who took my order. 'That's the meat, sir.'
Nine o'clock Brakes

Angry employer: 'You should have been Driving instructor: 'What would you do if
here at nine o'clock.' you were coming down that very steep hill
Late employee: 'Why, what happened?' into town and your brakes failed?'
Learner: 'Hit something cheap?
Messages
Boss: 'Did you take any messages while I Profit
was out?' Customer: 'But if it costs ten pounds to
Young secretary: 'No. Are any of them make these watches, and you sell them for
missing?' ten pounds where does your profit come in?'
Shopkeeper: 'From repairing.'
Fly
'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.' The wrong answer
'Would you prefer it to be served sepa- Teacher: 'If I were to ask you to add 9731
rately?' to 237 and then halve it, what do you think
you would get?'
Magician Simon: 'The wrong answer, sir'
'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'
'No sir, that's the chef. The last customer Heaven
was a magician doctor.' Sunday school teacher: 'Now, Jonathan,
can you tell me what sort of people goes to
Fly soup Heaven?'
'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.' Jonathan: 'Dead ones Miss.'
'I know sir it's a fly soup.'

Camel
A camel decided to educate his who he
thought was getting a little inquisitive.
'Why do we have two humps?' asked the
son. 'That's so that we can go for days and
weeks without water. We can store it in the
humps.'
'Why do we have very long eye lashes?'
'That,' he was told, 'is to protect the eyes
from the sand in a sand storm.'
'And why do we have bulbous looking
feet?' 'That is so that we can travel twice as
fast through the desert.'
'Dad,' asked the young camel, 'what the
hell are we doing in this zoo?'
Shape of the earth

'What's the shape of the earth?' the
teacher asked Willie.
'Round.'
'How do you know it's round?'
Pies 'All right, it's square. I don't want to start
I went into a bakery, I said: 'How much for an argument.'
these two pies?'
The girl behind the counter said: '90 Bright class
pence.' Visitor: 'You must have an unusually
I said: How much is it for one?' bright class. Whenever you asked a ques-
She said: '60 pence.' tion-no matter how difficult-every student
I said: 'I'll have the other one.' raised his hand.'
Teacher: 'They're just average students.
Farmer Confidentially, the explanation for their
'I bet you don't know how many sheep hand-raising is that whenever we have a vis-
there are in this field?' said the English itor, all students raise the right hand; those
farmer to the Irish visitor. who don't know the answer raise the left
The Irishman glanced around the field and hand.'
then replied: 'Three hundred and eighty-six.'
The farmer was astonished. 'That's incred- Desert island
ible! You're perfectly right. How did you man- 'Suppose you found yourself on a desert
age it?' island, Bob,' said the teacher,' and could
'Oh, it was quite simple,' said the have only one book. Which book would you
Irishman. 'I just counted the number of legs prefer?'
and divided by four.' 'After thinking a moment, Bob replied,
'Boat Building for Amateurs.'
Bath
New bicycle
'Are you going to take a bath?' Little Johnny, exhibiting his skill in riding a
'No - I'm going to leave it where it is:' new bicycle, came down the street in front of
his house. 'Look, Mum,' he cried, folding his
Mother kangaroo arms, 'no hands!'
The mother kangaroo suddenly leapt into Again he came into view, this time coast-
the air and gave a cry of pain and anguish. ing with his feet off the pedals. 'Look, Mum,'
'Sidney!' she screamed. 'How many more he shouted, 'no feet!'
times do I have to tell you that you cannot Half an hour passed, and Johnny again put
smoke in bed!' in his appearance. This time, somewhat sub-
dued (softened) he gurgled, 'Look, Mum no
front tooth.'

Ten men in a boat
Teacher to class: 'There were ten men in a
boat and it tipped over; nine men got their
hair wet, but the other man didn't get his
hair wet. Can one of you tell me why?'
Class clown: 'Because the other man was
bald.'
Who is this speaking?

Voice over telephone: 'Tommy Hagan
won't be in school today.'
Teacher: 'Who is this speaking, please?'
Voice: 'This is my father speaking.'
Resolution
Tim: 'What's your New Year's resolution?' Honeymoon
Frank: 'To be much less conceited.' On the first morning after the young hus-
Tim: 'Will that be difficult to maintain for band arose, went to the kitchen and took
a year?' breakfast up to his bride. 'There,' he said.
Frank: 'Not for someone as clever and 'What do you think of that?'
She gazed at the tea, the bacon and eggs,
intelligent as me.'
the toast and marmalade, all nicely set out
on the tray, and said: 'Why, that's wonder-
Fishing ful.'
Young Harold was late for Sunday school, 'Yes,' he replied, 'and that's how I want it
and the minister asked the cause. 'I was every morning.'
going fishing, but Father wouldn't let me,'
announced the lad. Grandfather
'That's the right kind of father to have, Clive: 'Tony, is it true you married Cynthia
'replied the reverend gentleman. 'Did he for the money her grandfather left her?'
explain the reason he would not let you go?' Tony: 'Of course not! I would still have
'Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough married her if someone else had left her the
for two.' money.'
Fortune
Return ticket The young man asked the beautiful young
Customer: 'A return ticket, please.' girl to marry him, pointing out that his father
Airline reservation clerk: 'Where to, sir?' was 103 years old and that he was heir to his
Customer: 'Back here, please.' father's substantial fortune.
The girl asked the young man for time to
Landlady consider his offer. Two weeks later, she
When I lived in lodgings my landlady kept became his step-mother.
some animals in the yard at the back of the
house. Hell
The first day I was there, one of the chick- Fred: 'My wife converted me to religion.'
ens died, so we had chicken soup. Bill: 'Your wife converted you to religion?
How did she do that?'
The next day, the pig died, so I was
Fred: 'Because I didn't believe in Hell until
offered pork chops. I married her!'
The following day, the duck died, so we
had roast duck with apple sauce. The old inmate
The next day my landlady's husband died The old inmate greeted his new cell part-
- so I left. ner with the question 'How long you in for?'
'Twenty-five years,' the new prisoner
Two fleas replied.
The two fleas were just leaving the the- 'Then you take the bed nearest the door,'
atre when the male flea turned to the female said the old timer. 'You will be getting out
flea and said: 'Shall we walk, or take a dog?' first.'

Playground
Religious knowledge teacher: 'Now,
Timothy, where do naughty boys and girls
go?'
Timothy: 'Behind the bicycle shed in the
playground.'
A good little boy

Mother: 'Where did you get that black
eye, Jimmy? Didn't I tell you that good little
boys never fight?'
Jimmy: 'Yes, mother, and believed you. I
thought he was a good little boy and I hit
him, and then I found out he wasn't.'
Supermarket
The little girl had been taken to the super-
market by her mother but somehow man-
aged to get lost near the tinned food section.
Three turtles 'Excuse me,' asked the little girl of anoth-
Once there were three turtles. One day er customer. 'Have you seen a mother walk-
they decided to go on a picnic. When they ing along pushing a shopping trolley without
got there, they realized they had forgotten a girl like me?'
the soda. The youngest turtle said he would
go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the Don't mention it
sandwiches until he got back. A week went A little girl was going to a party and her
by, then a month, finally a year, when the mother told her to be a good girl and to
two turtles said, "oh, come on, let's eat the remember, when she was leaving, to thank
sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle her hostess.
When she arrived home, the mother
popped up from behind a rock and said, "If
asked her if she thanked her hostess and the
you do, I won't go!" little girl replied: 'No, the girl in front of me
did and the lady said "Don't mention it" - so
Unbelievable I didn't.'
An inebriate was watching an old and ugly
woman enter a revolving door. As the door Money, money
swung around, a pretty girl stepped out. Ronald: 'All my wife says to me is 'Money,
'Unbelievable,' he muttered. money.' She is always asking me for money.'
Richard: 'Why does she need so much?
What does she spend it on?'
Fool thing Ronald: 'I've no idea. I never give her
A philosopher defined the difference any.'
between life and love: 'Life is just one fool
thing after another; love is just two fool She's just flown
things after each other.' 'Doctor, I'm worried about my wife. She
thinks she is a bird.'
'Well, you had better bring her in to see
Traffic me.'
A man stood on the street corner waiting I can't. She's just flown south for winter.'
to cross while the traffic streamed by, swift
and continuous. After a long wait, the man 20 pounds
became impatient, but he dared not risk The wife wanted to do some shopping dur-
going out into the traffic. He spied another ing the day, so at breakfast she asked her
pedestrian on the other side of the street and husband for 20 pounds.
called to him, 'Hey, I say, how did you get 'Money, money, money!' he shouted.
over there?' 'Every day of the week you want more
The other man cupped his hands about his money. If you ask me, I think you need
brains more than you need money.'
mouth and shouted, 'I was born here.'
'Perhaps so,' his wife agreed, 'but I asked
you for what I thought you had the most of.'

Exaggeration
Father to small boy: 'How many millions of
times have I told you not to exaggerate?'
Heaven
Johnny gazed at his one-day-old brother
who was yelling at the top of his voice. 'Did
he come from heaven?' Johnny asked his
mother.
'Yes, dear,' she replied.
'Well,' Johnny mused, 'I can see why they
put him out.'
Statistician
Intelligence Mother wanted to spend Saturday after-
Father: 'I'm just conceited enough to think noon shopping, and father-a statistician-
that our son gets his intelligence from me.' reluctantly agreed to abandon his golf and
Mother: 'Well, he must. I've still got mine. spend the afternoon with the three small,
energetic children. When mother returned,
Eight eggs father handed her this:
Little boy: 'I et four eggs for breakfast this Dried tears-9 times
morning.' Tied shoes-13 times
Big sister: 'You mean ate.' Served water-18 times
Toy balloons purchased-3 for each child
Little boy: 'Maybe you're right. Maybe I et
Average life of balloon-exactly 12 seconds
eight eggs for breakfast this morning.'
Cautioned children not to cross street-21
times
Letter Children insisted on crossing street-21
Dobb: 'What's that piece of cord tied times
around your finger for?' Number of Saturday father will do this
Botham: 'My wife put it there to remind again-0
me to mail her letter.'
Dobb: 'And did you mail it?' How else?
Botham: 'No. She forgot to give it to me!' Son: 'Pop, what's the capital of Uruguay?'
Father: 'I don't know son.'
Son: 'Where was George Washington
Present born?'
Father: 'Peter, how do you like school?' Father: 'I don't know.'
Peter: 'I like school okay, but not the Son: 'What's a polygon?'
teacher.' Father: 'I don't know.'
Father: 'Don't like the teacher? Why not, Mother: 'Don't bother your father.'
son?' Father: 'Let him ask questions. How else is
Peter: 'Because she told me to sit in the he going to learn?'
front seat for the present, and then she did-
n't give me the present!' Spring cleaning
'Could I have a day off, sir, to help my wife
What a funny nose with the spring cleaning?'
'No, I'm afraid not -'
Mother: 'It's rude to whisper, Humphrey.'
'Thank you, sir. I knew I could rely on
Humphrey (aged five): 'Well, I was saying
you.'
what a funny nose that man's got. It would
have been much ruder if I'd said it aloud.' Lost
Little girl to policeman: 'Please, sir, will
Other pair you take my little brother home? He's lost.'
Dad: 'You brought me the wrong boots, Policeman: 'Why can't you take him
son. Can't you see that one of them is black home?'
and the other brown?' Girl: 'Because I'm lost too.'
Son: 'Yes, dad, but your other pair is just
the same.'
Snail
One row cold morning in January, a snail
started to climb a trunk of a cherry tree. As
he inched painfully upward, a wise guy bee-
tle stuck his head out of a nearby crack and
called, 'Hey, buddy, you are wasting your
time; there aren't any cherries up there,'
The snail scarcely paused as he replied,
'There will be by the time I get there.'
Hobby
Asleep The estate agent spent all day Sunday
'Why is father singing to the baby so much showing a couple through model homes.
tonight?' 'And this,' he said at the tenth home he
'He is trying to sing him to sleep.' had shown, 'has a hobby room. Do you have
'Well, if I was baby, I'd pretend I was any hobbies?
asleep.' 'Yes,' replied the woman, 'looking through
model homes on Sundays.'
Smoking
'Yes,' one man said to another. 'I've read Ballet
so much about smoking causing various ill- A little boy who went to the ballet for the
nesses that I've decided to give up reading!' first time with his father was amazed to see
all the girls dancing on their toes. Finally, he
Pizza turned to his father and asked, 'Why don't
Waitress: 'How would you like your pizza they just get taller girls, Dad?'
sliced - six or eight pieces?'
Customer: 'Six, please - I couldn't possi- New dog
bly eat eight!' Fred: 'We've got a new dog. Would you
like to come and play with him?'
Parrot Tom: 'I've heard him barking and growl-
A man bought himself a parrot and to ing. He sounds very fierce and unfriendly.
induce him to talk kept repeating, 'Hello, Does he bite?
hello,' to the bird. Fred: 'That's what I want to find out.'
Finally, the parrot opened one sleepy eye
and commented, 'What's the matter? Line Lovely bulldog
busy? 'That's a lovely bulldog you've got there.'
'No, it's not a bulldog - it was chasing a
Lazy cat and ran into a wall.'
Patient: 'Doctor, is there anything wrong
with me? Don't frighten me half to death by Mackintosh
giving it a scientific name. Just tell me in
McPherson was strolling down the street
plain English.'
when he noticed what he thought was the
Doctor: 'Well, to be perfectly frank, you're
familiar figure of a friend. Quickening his
just plain lazy.'
steps, he came up to the man and slapped
Patient: 'Thank you, Doctor. Now please
him on the back. To his amazement, he then
give me the scientific name for it so I can tell
saw he had greeted an utter stranger.
the family.
'Oh, I beg your pardon,' he said apologet-
You're excellent ically. 'I thought you were an old friend of
I admire you very much, you never criti- mine, Mackintosh by name.'
cize; you cover my mistakes with so many The stranger recovered his wind and
little lies. In all my thoughts we both agree. replied with considerable heat, 'And suppos-
I really think you're excellent, because you're ing I were Mackintosh-do you have to hit me
me. so hard?'
'What do you care,' retorted McPherson,
'how hard I hit Mackintosh?'

Bill
Helen: 'When was your son born?'
Mary: 'In March-he came the first of the
month.'
Helen: 'Is that why you call him Bill?'
Chickens
Diner: 'Do you serve chickens here?'
Waiter: 'We serve anyone - sit down.
Came back
'I don't like to bring this up,' said the doc-
tor hesitantly, 'but that cheque of yours came
back.'
'I don't like to mention this, either, doc,
'said the patient,' but so did my disease.
Striped crocodiles
'Doctor, doctor! I'm terribly worried. I
keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every
time I try to get to sleep.'
'Have you seen a psychiatrist?' Polishing shoes
'No - only pink striped crocodiles.' During the American Civil War days a for-
eign minister to the United States was
Maternity hospital shocked when, on a call to the White House,
Voice on the phone: 'Hello? Is that the he found President Lincoln shining his own
maternity hospital?' shoes. He told the President that in his coun-
Receptionist: 'Yes.' try it was not the custom of gentlemen to
Voice on the phone: 'Can you send an polish their own shoes.
ambulance round, the wife is about to have a With his customary resourcefulness and
baby.' nimble wit, President Lincoln replied, 'Then
whose shoes do they polish.
Receptionist: 'Is this her first baby?'
Voice on the phone: 'No. This is her hus-
The check
band.' An American lawyer invited a
Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his
Chicken mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the
Patient: 'Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went
chicken.' out to pick berries for their morning break-
Doctor: 'How long have you thought that?' fast. As they were picking blueberries, along
Patient: 'For about a year.' came two big Bears - a male and a female.
Doctor: 'Why didn't you come and see me The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed
earlier?' a tree. His friend wasn't so lucky and the
Patient: 'Because my wife said we needed male bear caught him and swallowed him
the eggs.' whole. The lawyer drove his car to town as
fast has he could to get a policeman. The
Chinese traveler policeman took his gun and ran to the berry
Years ago a Chinese traveler, returning to patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two
his country after a journey in Europe, wrote bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!"
this description of a piano: 'The Europeans said the lawyer, pointing to the male. The
keep a large four-legged animal which they policeman looked at the bears, took careful
can make to sing at will. A man, or frequent- aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
ly a woman, sits down in front of the animal "What did you do that for!" shouted the
and steps on its tail, at the same time strik- lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," answered the policeman.
ing its white teeth with his or her fingers,
"Would you believe a lawyer who told you
when the creature begins to sing. The
that the Czech was in the Male?"
singing, though much louder than a bird's, is (The check is in the mail.)
pleasant to listen to. The animal doesn't bite,
nor does it move, though it is not tied.
Penguins
A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to
London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on
the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab
and is looking at the engine when a second
lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if
he needs help. The penguins' driver explains
that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and
asks if the other man would take the pen-
guins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver
drives past the first one, who is still waiting
on the motorway. The penguins are still on
the lorry, and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those pen-
guins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some
money left, so we're going to the cinema
now."
Monk Who am I?
A man wanted to become a monk so he One day a student was taking a very diffi-
went to the monastery and talked to the cult essay exam. At the end of the test, the
head monk. The head monk said: "You must Prof asked all the students to put their pen-
take a vow of silence and can only say two
cils down and immediately hand in their
words every three years." The man agreed
tests. The young man kept writing furiously,
and after the first 3 years, the head monk
came to him and said, "What are your two although he was warned that if he did not
words?" "Food cold!", the man replied. stop immediately he would be disqualified.
Three more years went by and the head He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
monk came to him and said "What are your minutes later, and went to hand the test to
two words?" "Robe dirty!", the man his instructor. The instructor told him he
exclaimed. would not take the test.
Three more years went by and the head The student asked, "Do you know who I
monk came to him and said "What are your am?" The Prof said, "No and I don't care."
two words?" "I quit!" , said the man. The student asked again, "Are you sure you
"Well, the head monk replied, I am not don't know who I am?"
surprised. You have done nothing but com- The Prof again said no. So the student
plain ever since you got here!" walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in
the middle, and then threw the papers in
American the air. "Good" the student said, and walked
A young man comes before the Customs out. He passed.
agent.
A: "State your citizenship." The ugliest baby
B: "American" (pronounced with a A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
Spanish accent). The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again." I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman
B: "I said American."
slammed her fare into the fare box and took
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The
B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell
you I'm American." man seated next to her sensed that she was
A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, I've agitated and asked her what was wrong.
got it. Make a sentence with the following "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The
colors: green, pink and yellow." man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a
B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But public servant and shouldn't say things to
OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in-laws insult passengers." "You're right," she said.
house and the phone went 'green, green, I "I think I'll go back up there and give him a
pinked it up and sed yellow!" piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the
man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Naughty parrot
A man got a parrot which could already
talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big
vocabulary. However, the man soon discov-
ered that the parrot mostly know bad words.
At first he thought it was funny, but then it
became tiresome, and finally, when the man
had important guests, the bird's bad words
embarrassed him very much. As soon as the
guests left, the man angrily shouted at the
parrot," That language must stop!". But the
bird answered him with curses. He shook the
bird and shouted again, "Don't use those
ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him. Now
the man was really angry. He grabbed the
parrot and threw him into the refrigerator.
But it had no effect. From inside the refriger-
ator, the parrot was still swearing. He opened
the door and took him out, and again the bird
spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, On the other hand
the man opened the door of the freezer, James was walking down the road one
morning when he met his friend Danny.
threw the bird into it, and closed the door. "Morning, Danny. Err ... Danny; you're wear-
This time there was silence. After two min- ing a glove on one hand and none on the
utes, the man opened the door and removed other. Did you know?" "Yes, well I heard the
the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering weather forecast this morning, you see."
parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his "The Weather forecast?" "Yes, the weather
shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding forecast. The forecaster said on the one hand
very frightened: "I'll be good, I it might be fine but on the other hand there
promise...Those chickens in there what did might be some rain."
they say?"
The preacher
A preacher was told by his doctor that he
Three rich brothers had only a few weeks left to live.
Three rich brothers each wanted to do He went home feeling very sad, and when
something special for their elderly mother on his wife heard the sad news she said to him,
Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make
huge house. The second brother gave her a you happy, tell me." The preacher answered,
limousine, with a driver. The third brother "You know, dear, there's that box in the
kitchen cabinet with what you always called
remembered that his mother used to love to "your little secret" in it and you said you
read the Bible, but couldn't see well any- never would want me to open it as long as
more, so he got her a specially trained par- you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to
rot that could recite any verse from the Bible be with the Lord, why don't you show me
on demand. Soon, the brothers received what's in that secret box of yours?" The
thank-you notes from their mother. The first preacher's wife got out the box and opened
son's note said, "The house you bought me is the lid. It contained $100,000 and three
much too big! I only live in a small part of it, eggs. "What are those eggs doing in the
but I have to clean the whole thing!" The box?" the preacher asked. "Well, Honey," she
replied, "every time your sermon was really
second son got a note that said, "I rarely bad I put an egg in the box." Now the
leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the preacher had been preaching for over forty
limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the years, and seeing only three eggs in that old
driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, shoe box, he started to feel very proud about
"My darling baby boy, you know just what himself and it warmed his soul. "And what
your mother loves! The chicken was deli- about that $100.000?"" he asked. "Oh, you
cious!" see," she whispered softly, "every time there
were a dozen eggs in the box, I ..sold them."

Panda
A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He
orders the special and eats it. After eating,
he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and
starts to walk out the door. The owner of the
restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing?
You come in here, you kill my waiter and
walk away without saying a word. I don't
understand." The panda says, "Look it up in
the dictionary," and walks out the door. So
the owner gets out a dictionary and looks
under the heading "Panda".
Shoemaker It reads: panda black and white animal;
A man goes out of prison after twenty lives in central China; eats shoots and
years. He decides to go back to the neigh- leaves.
borhood where he lived. When he gets there
he cannot recognize the place. Everything Lost watch
has changed a lot. The places he used to visit One night a man came upon a boy looking
have all disappeared. Even the pub has dis- for something under a streetlight. The man
appeared. He is very tired and would like to asked the boy what he had lost. The boy said
have something to eat. He goes into a small that he had lost his watch. Since it was obvi-
café and has a coffee and a sandwich. When ously not there, the man asked the boy if he
he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker was sure that he had lost his watch in that
ticket in it. He then remembers that the last spot. The boy said that he had lost the watch
thing he had done before being arrested was at another place, farther down the street.
to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's. The man then asked the boy why he was
He decides to go there and try. What a won- looking for the watch under the streetlight.
derful thing! The shoemaker is still at the The boy replied, "Well, sir, the light is much
same place. He gets into the shop and tells better here."
the shoemaker that about twenty years
before he had left him a pair of shoes to have Grandfather clock
them repaired. The shoemaker has a look at A man was carrying a grandfather clock
the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomor- through the streets of the city. He was obvi-
row. They will be ready then." Some things ously doing it with a lot of difficulty. Finally,
never change. another man came up to him and asked,
"Pardon me, it's none of my business, but
The centipede don't you think a wristwatch would be far
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, simpler?"
the snail, and the centipede were sitting
around the grasshopper's house drinking Different answers
beer. They ran out of beer before they were As I was walking along a street in a small
ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of town a man came up to me and asked, "What
them should go out for more beer. The snail time is it? I looked at my watch and
said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, answered, "It's five o'clock." "I must be
Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so going crazy," said the man. "All day long I
you know where to go." The grasshopper keep getting different answers."
said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will
shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed Broken
every time we open one." So they decided to The policeman rang the doorbell, not
send the centipede; and the grasshopper knowing quite how he was going to break the
explained how to get to the nearest liquor news. The door opened and a woman stood
store. An hour or so passed and still the cen- there gazing anxiously into the policeman's
tipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the eyes. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your
grasshopper decided to go look for him. They husband's new watch is broken." "Broken?"
got as far as the front door and found the she said. "How did it happen?" The police-
centipede sitting there putting on his shoes. man replied, "A piano fell on him"

Eight and eight
There once was a very large lady in our
town. She wore a dress size 16. I knew her
when she was young, but she had a much
smaller size.
Why do you think she is now wearing a
size 16?
I guess she just 8 + 8 (ate and ate).
Cousin Jack
I was arrested at the airport. Just because
I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
Speaking dog
Two friends meet and one of them says:" Big elephants
I've taught my dog how to speak English!" If big elephants have big trunks, do small
"That's impossible", says the other man." elephants have suitcases?
Dogs don't speak!" "It's true! I'll show you."
He turns to his dog, "How's the situation in What a cool beach!
England?" The dog answers: "Rough, rough." There is a California dude going through a
desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a
Tense towel and listening to music on his walkman.
One day an English grammar teacher was He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a
looking ill. A student asked, "What's the mat- caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and
ter?" "Tense," answered the teacher, describ- asks them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far
ing how he felt. The student paused, then the sea is?" They look at each other and say:
continued, "What was the matter? What has "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow
been the matter? What might have been the what a cool beach!!!"
matter... ?"
New ideas
The weather report Company director to board chairman: If
any new ideas come up while I am out of the
Teacher: Rumiko, be careful your purse is
meeting for a brief telephone call, my vote is
open. Someone might take your money!
'No.'
Rumiko: Oh, no. I left it open so I can get
more money. Shadow
Teacher: How can you get more money? My boss is so unpopular even his own
Rumiko: The weather report said we shadow refuses to follow him.
would have some change in our weather!
Vegetarians
I love you too! If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do
Boyfriend: What is your favorite music humanitarians eat?
group?
Girlfriend: I love U2! Driveway
Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your Why do we park our car in the driveway
favorite music group? and drive our car on the parkway?
New cemetery Out to Lunch

I hear this new cemetery is very popular. A man entered a crowded restaurant and
People are just dying to get in. found a seat in the corner. A waitress hand-
ed him a menu and left to take care of other
New job customers who were in a hurry. After a long
A: How do you like your new job at the interval the waitress suddenly remembered
cemetery? the man in the corner and hurried over to
B: I quit after a week. I found the work take his order. He was gone, but propped up
too frustrating. against his empty water glass was this sign,
A: What happened? scrawled on a piece of note paper: 'Out to
B: No matter what I said to the cus- Lunch.'
tomers, they were always dead right!
Calendar
Speaker -How long have I been speaking?
I haven't got a watch with me.
Danny -There's a calendar behind you.
Punch
Headmaster (to boy who has been fight-
ing) -You should be ashamed of yourself. You
shouldn't hurt a hair of your friend's head.
Boy - I didn't. I punched him on the nose.
Sports car
Lawyer -So you want me to defend you?
Have you any money?
The accused -No, but I have a sports car.
Lawyer -Well, you can raise some money
on that. Now, what are you accused of steal-
ing?
The accused -A sports car.
The blind carpenter
Did you hear about the blind carpenter
who picked up his hammer and saw? Broke
What does a frog with no money say?
Deaf shepherd Broke!Broke!
Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who
gathered his flock and heard? Date
Piano Smiffy -What is the date?
Wife - Doctor; doctor, my husband's bro- Toots -I dunno. Why don't you look at that
ken his leg. newspaper that's on the table.
Doctor - But madam, I'm a doctor of Smiffy -Oh, that's no use -it's yesterday's.
music.
Wife - That's all right, it was the piano that Rhinoceros
fell on him! Teacher (after a lesson about a rhinocer-
os) -Now, tell me something that has a big
Nuisance horn and is very dangerous?
Boastful angler -I once had a three hour
fight with a salmon. Smiffy -A motor car.
Bored friend -Yes, tin openers can be a
nuisance at times. Pickpocket
Mac -Can I see that new device of yours
Gold for preventing the theft of a watch?
Teacher -What happens to gold when it is Jock -I can't show you it, it was stolen
exposed to the air? from me yesterday by a pickpocket.
Smiffy -It's stolen!
Dentist Nice face

Smiffy -I went to the dentist yesterday. Mother- What? You've been fighting with
Toots -Does your tooth still hurt? Billy Biggs? I thought he was a peaceable
Smiffy -I don't know. The dentist kept it. child. He had such a nice face, too.
Freddie -Well, he hasn't now.
Neither do I
Danny -What has ten legs, a yellow back,
a green eye and a long, homed tail?
Beekeeper
Cuthbert -I don't know. Tourist -Hey! One of your bees stung me.
Danny -Neither do I, but I've just seen What are you going to do about it?
one swimming in your soup! Beekeeper -Sorry. Just tell me which one
did it, and I'll punish him.

Shame
Librarian -Please be quiet, Tim. Those
people beside you can't read!
Tim -They should be ashamed of them-
selves! I've been able to read since I was six!
Reading
Mother -Dennis, what are you reading?
Dennis -I don't know, Mum.
Mother -But you were reading aloud.
Dennis -I know, but I wasn't listening.
Birthday
Mc Graw -How old is old Archie?
Mc Gill -I dunno, but everybody was over-
come by the heat from his candles at his last
birthday party.
Help
Football Auntie -Do you ever help your little broth-
Frankie -Please, Mrs. Smart, is Bobby er Andrew?
coming out to play? Andrew -Yes, Auntie, I helped him to
Mrs. Smart -No, Frankie, it's too wet. spend the five pounds you gave him yester-
Frankie -Well, is his football coming out, day!
then?
Manager
The new bank clerk's hobby is climbing
Subtraction trees.
Judge -You are sentenced to ten years' He must want to be a branch manager!
imprisonment. Have you anything to add?
Prisoner -No, but I'd like to subtract. The Invisible Man
Knock, knock !
History Who's there?
The Invisible Man.
Smiffy -I wish I'd lived at the very begin- Tell him I can't see him at the moment!
ning of the world.
Toots -Why? Sudden storm
Smiffy -Because I wouldn't have had to Captain - Let's find out just how much you
learn history . know about a boat. What would you do if a
sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?
Letter Danny - Throw out the anchor.
Mum -What are you doing, Tommy? Captain - What would you do if another
storm sprang up aft?
Tommy -I'm writing a letter to my sister.
Danny - Throw out another anchor.
Mum -Don't, be silly, you can't write. Captain - And if another storm sprang up
Tommy -That doesn't matter, she can't forward, what would you do?
read. Danny - Throw out another anchor.
Captain - Hold on. Where are you getting
Sausage all your anchors from?
Patient -Doctor, my family think I'm a lit- Danny -From the same place you 're get-
tle odd. ting your storms.
Doctor -Why?
Teaching
Patient -Because I like sausages. Gamekeeper -Don't you know you're not
Doctor -Nonsense. I like sausages too. allowed to fish here?
Patient -You do? You must come round to Sandy -I'm not fishing. I'm teaching a
see my collection. I have hundreds. worm to swim!

Nationality
When did the Scottish potato change its
nationality?
When it became a French fry!
See you!
Two flies were on Robinson Crusoe's head.
''Goodbye for now," said one. " I'll see you on
Friday!"
Miracle
Angler - Is this stream private?
Passer-by - No, sir.
Angler - Then it won't be a crime if I land
any fish?
Detective Passer-by - No, it'll be a miracle.
Waiter -How did you find your steak?
Diner -Easy. I'm a detective! Golden
Customer -You said this parrot was worth
Leading its weight in gold and yet it won't talk!
Tim -My Dad's got a leading position in a Pet shop owner -Well, silence is golden,
circus! isn't it?
Tom -Gosh! What does he do?
Tim -He leads the elephants! Horseshoe
Bobby -I found a horseshoe this morning.
Population Mother -Do you know what that means?
Teacher (in a Glasgow school) -Do you
Bobby -Yes, it means that some horse is
know the population of Glasgow?
running around in his bare feet.
Jimmy -Not all of them. I've only been
here a week!
The biggest potato
Lift boy What's the biggest potato in the world?
Freddie -My brother has taken up French, A hippopotatomus.
Italian, Spanish and Greek.
Old man -Goodness! What does he do? Hearing aid
Freddie -He's a lift boy. Man -How much do I owe you for my new
hearing aid?
Talkative Shopkeeper -Forty pounds.
Teacher -Dennis, what do we call a person Man -Did you say fifty pounds?
who is very talkative, yet uninteresting?
Shopkeeper -No, sixty pounds.
Dennis -A teacher.
No bottom Glasses
An absent-minded professor went into a Doctor -You will only have to wear these
shop to buy a jar. Seeing one upside down, glasses at your work.
he said, '' How stupid, this jar has no mouth! Patient -That's impossible.
'' Turning it over, he was more astonished. Doctor -Why?
''Why, there's no bottom in it, either! '' Patient -I'm a boxer.
Little patient Antique

Patient -Doctor, doctor, I think I'm shrink- Owner of an old car -Someone has stolen
ing! my car.
Doctor -Well, you'll just have to be a little Friend -These antique collectors will stop
patient.
at nothing.

Wallpaper
Shopper -Can I stick this wallpaper on
myself?
Shopkeeper -Yes, but it would look better
on the wall.
Brown
Jones -What sort of fellow is Brown?
Smith -Well, if ever you see two men
speaking and one looks bored to death, the
other is Brown.
Four eggs
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Four eggs.
Four eggs, who?
Which one?
For example! Patient -I keep seeing double, doctor.
Doctor -Lie down on the couch then.
Patient -Which one?
Guilty
Butcher -Have you tried our sausages,
madam ?
Annoyed dog
Customer -Yes, and found them guilty! Visitor -What's wrong with that dog of
yours? Every time I take a drink of water he
growls.
Lion-tamer Tommy -Oh, he won't bother you. He's
Visitor -You're a very small man to be a just annoyed because you're drinking out of
lion-tamer. his cup.
Lion-tamer -Yes, but that's the secret of
my success. The lions are waiting for me to
grow bigger.
Competition
Prison visitor -And what brought you
here?
Bean soup Prisoner -Competition.
Diner -Waiter, what on earth is this in my Prison visitor -Competition?
bowl? Prisoner -Yes, I made the same kind of
Waiter -It's bean soup. banknotes as the Government.
Diner -I don't care what it's been, what is
it now?
Occupation
Doctor -What you need is a change of
Parachutes occupation. Your present job seems to be
A parachute firm advertised -No one has making you unhappy. What do you do ?
ever complained of one of our parachutes not Patient -I'm a joke writer
opening!
First-class
Lunch break Diner -Is this a first-class restaurant?
Clerk -My salary is so small, sir, that I Waiter -Yes, but we don't mind serving
can't afford lunch. you!
Boss -Then from tomorrow we will cut out
your lunch break.
Rheumatism
Tourist -Is this part of the country good for
Patience rheumatism ?
Angler -You've been watching me for three Old man -Yes! I got mine here.
hours. Why don't you try fishing yourself?
Smiffy -No, I don't have the patience.

Promise
Hotel manager -Rooms overlooking the
sea cost 5 Dollars extra.
Miser -How much does it cost if I promise
not to look?
A black eye
Teacher -If you had twelve sweets, and
Johnny took half, what would he have?
Tiffany -A black eye !
Wood pigeon On fire

Customer -What kind of bird is this, wait- Fireman -Hey! Come on! Can't you see
er? your house is on fire?
Waiter -It's a wood pigeon, sir. Patient -Can't help it. The doctor told me
Customer -I thought so -would you bring not to leave my bed for two days.
me a saw?
Early rise
How far? Youth -Shall I have a chance of an early
Miss Screecher -I'm going away to study rise in this job?
singing. Boss -Most certainly! Six o'clock every
Neighbor -Good! How far away? morning.
Popular Not one

Old lady (at concert) -Is that a popular Boss -I want a man who is clever, hard-
song he's singing? working and punctual.
Old man -It was before he sang it! Lazy Larry -You don't want one man, you
want three.
Which one?
Auntie -If your mother gave you a large How much?
apple and a small apple and told you to give Teacher - If you had two pounds and you
one to your brother, would you give him? asked your dad for another two pounds, how
Nephew -Do you mean my big brother or much money would you have ?
my small brother? Johnny -Er ...two pounds, sir.
Fairy-tale Always right

Patient -Doctor, doctor, I swallowed a Boss -What do you mean by arguing with
fairy-tale book yesterday. that customer? Don't you know our rule? The
Doctor -Sit down and tell me the whole customer is always right.
story. Assistant - I know. But he was insisting
that he was wrong.
Dog family
Teacher -Name four members of the dog Bring it back
family, Joe. Flying instructor -If anything goes wrong,
Joe -There's Mummy dog, Daddy dog, leap out of the plane and pull the cord of the
Sister dog and Brother dog! parachute.
Cadet -Supposing the parachute doesn't
Four open?
Uncle -Why are they looking so worried Flying instructor -Bring it back and I'll give
about, Jack? you another.
Young Nephew -Well, yesterday my
teacher said two and two are four, and today Correction
Dad said one and three are four, and I don 't Pupil -I can't read this correction of yours,
know which to believe. sir.
Teacher -It says, ''You must write more
clearly!'

Peacemaker
Jack -Please, sir, I stopped a fight.
Teacher -That's right, always be a peace-
maker. How did you stop them?
Jack -I punched them both.
Boat
Novice (hiring boat) -I've no watch so I
hope I shall know when my hour is up.
Boatman -Oh, yes, you know by the water.
The boat fills up to the seat in about an hour
and a half.
Too fast
Farmer -Did you count the pigs this morn- It isn't enough
ing, Paddy? Gentleman -Now, what ought you to say
Paddy -I counted nineteen, but one ran so to a gentleman who gives you fifty pence for
fast that I couldn't count him at all. carrying his bag?
Tim -It isn't enough these days.
Slow - motion
Patient -How much is it to have a tooth - Next race
extracted? Defeated jockey -Well, anyhow, I wasn't
Dentist -Thirty pounds. last. There were two horses behind me.
Patient -What! For three seconds' work? Disgusted owner -Rats! Those were the
Dentist -All right, I'll take it out in slow - first two in the next race.
motion.
Pet cat
I forgot Fireman -At one fire, I saved ten lives.
Mother -Why are you jumping up and Smith -And who were they?
down, Minnie? Fireman -A child and her pet cat.
Minnie -It's all right, Mother. I forgot to
shake my medicine before I took it, so I'm Appetite
doing it now. Auntie -Why are you eating those cakes so
quickly, Smiffy?
A pound coin Smiffy - I'm afraid that I will lose my
Willie -I lost a pound coin this morning, appetite before I'm finished.
Tim.
Tim -Hole in your pocket? Gladiator
Willie -No, the man who dropped it heard Teacher -Give me a sentence with the
it fall. word ''gladiator''.
Pupil -The lion pounced on the woman and
Funeral was glad he ate her.
Old man (entering office) -There is a boy,
John McNab, working here. May I see him? Attention
I'm his grandfather Employer -Did you put that note where it
Clerk- You're just too late, sir. He's gone to would attract Mr. Smith's attention?
your funeral. Office boy -Yes, I stuck a pin through it
and put it on his chair.
Woodpecker Back to school
Bore -Yes, I'm very fond of birds. Dentist -Don't cry. The tooth is out.
Yesterday one actually settled on my head. Harold -I know. I'll have to go back to
Fed-up listener -It must have been a school now.
woodpecker.

Two stations before
First passenger -Pardon me, does this
train stop at Paddington ?
Second passenger -Yes, watch me, and
get off two stations before I do.
How do you find?

Landlady -Good morning ! How do you
find yourself?
Lodger -I didn't know I was lost.
Undertaker
Bike Tradesman (loftily) -In twenty years of
Dick -Dad, would you like to save money? business, no customer has ever complained
Dad -Yes, of course. of my work.
Dick -Then buy me a bike, and I'll not Neighbor -Wonderful! What are you?
wear out so many pairs of shoes. Tradesman -An undertaker.
A wish What steps?

Tom -lf you had a wish, what would you Old lady (at the zoo) -Mr. Keeper, if one of
wish? the lions escaped what steps would you
John -lf I had a wish, I'd wish that I'd get take?
every wish I wished! Keeper -The biggest I could!
Nearest way Too late!

Man -Can you tell me the nearest way to Lady -The watch I told you about wasn't
the hospital? stolen. I've just found it.
Little boy -I don't know sir, but if you step Detective - Too late! We've arrested the
in front of that car you'll get there soon thief.
enough.
Frozen
Stomachache Arctic explorer -It was so cold where we
Jack -When people's teeth ache they have were that the candle froze and we couldn't
them filled, don't they? blow it out.
Mother -Yes. Second explorer -That's nothing! Where
Jack -Well, my stomach aches. Could I go we were the words came out of our mouths
along to the sweet shop and get it filled? in pieces of ice, and we had to fry them to
see what we were talking about.
Black cats
Jimmy -Oh, Dad, there's a big black cat in How soon?
the kitchen. Employer -If anyone asks for me, I'll be
Dad -Oh, never mind. Black cats are lucky. back in half an hour.
Jimmy -Yes, this one was. It's just eaten New office junior -Yes, sir, and how soon
the fish for your supper. will you be back if no one asks for you?
Motor car Gas-pipe

Billy (doing crossword puzzle) -Give me Man (on the telephone) -Hello, gasman,
the name of a motor car that starts with ''T''. come at once! There's an awful leak in our
Friend -Don't be an ass. You know they all gas-pipe!
start with petrol. Gasman -Have you done anything to it?
Man -Yes, I put a bucket under it.
Sprint
Dennis -Say, Bill, can you sprint very fast? Whale
Billy -Can I? Why, yesterday l ran around Teacher -To what family does the whale
a half-mile track so fast that my shadow was belong?
just starting out when I got back. Smiffy -Don't know, sir. No family in our
neighborhood owns a whale.

Chicken
Customer -How much are these chickens?
Farmer -Three pounds.
Customer -Did you raise them yourself?
Farmer -Yes; they were two pounds fifty
pence yesterday .
There wasn't any

Artist (showing a blank canvas) -Look at
that picture of a cow eating grass.
Friend -Where's the grass?
Artist -The cow's eaten it.
Friend -Well, where's the cow?
Artist -Oh, it went away when it saw there
wasn't any more grass to eat.
Marbles The best time

Teacher -Now, Bobby, if six eggs cost sixty Teacher -When is the best time to gather
pence, how many would you get for twenty fruit?
pence? Roger -Please, sir, when the dog is tied up.
Bobby -None.
Teacher -What? Why would you get none? Who was to blame?
Motorist -I had the right of way when this
Bobby -Because I'd buy marbles, miss.
man ran into me and yet you say I was to
blame.
Damp climate Constable -You certainly were.
Teacher -What are raised in damp cli- Motorist -Why?
mates? Constable -Because his brother is the Lord
Schoolboy -Umbrellas, sir. Mayor; his father is chief of police, and I'm
engaged to his sister.
Advertising
First jeweler -I have had it proved to me Sir
that advertising brings results. Teacher (to new boy) -What's your name,
Second jeweler -How ? my little fellow?
First Jeweler -Yesterday, I advertised for a New boy -Jimmy Brown.
night watchman, and during the night my Teacher -Always say ''sir'' when you are
shop was burgled. speaking to a teacher. Now, what's your
name?
So cool New boy -Sir Jimmy Brown.
Listener -Did you keep cool when con-
fronted by the bear? Cake
I wonder if there is any kind of cake you
Explorer -Rather, I was so cool that my
don't like ?
teeth chattered.
Wee Jock -Yes, stomachache!
Taste much better On page 121
Auntie -Why don't you eat your sweets, History teacher -Where did King William
Jimmy? die?
Jimmy -I'm waiting for Jack Smith to come Pupil -On page 121 sir.
along. Sweets taste much better if there's
another boy looking on. Brave boy
Boy (with pal at dentist's) -Please, I want
Salmon a tooth out, and I don't want an anesthetic,
Angler -Have you any salmon? because I'm in a hurry.
Village storekeeper -No, but I have some Dentist -That's a brave boy. Which tooth is
excellent pork pies. it?
Angler -Don't be an ass! How could a fel- Boy -Show him your tooth, Albert.
low go home and say he's caught a couple of
pork pies?

Unlucky
Jones -I have been born unlucky.
Friend -Why?
Jones -Well, I was at a football match, and
there were twenty-two players and a referee
on the field, about ten thousand spectators in
the ground, and the ball hit me.
Familiar
Jackson -I think we met in this restaurant
last month. Your coat seems familiar to me.
Johnson -But I didn't have this overcoat
last month.
Jackson -No, but I did.
Fried egg
Friend -I could eat that fried egg, it looks
so real.
Artist -Fried egg! That's a sunset I've
painted.
Revenge Don't worry

Binks -I am sorry my hen got out and Water, waiter, there's a fly in this soup!
scraped up your garden. Don't worry, sir. It won't drink much!
Jinks -That's all right. My dog ate your
hen. Broken ladder
Binks -That's all right, too. I've just run
Boy (to neighbor) -Father's sent me back
over your dog.
with your ladder. He's broken it, and he
It works hopes you'll have it mended quickly because
Uncle -Were you pleased with the drum I he wants to borrow it again next week.
sent you for your birthday?
Nephew -Yes, very much, Uncle. Mother Remember
gives me five pounds every week not to use Father -Why were you kept in at school?
it. Jimmy -I didn't know where the Nile was.
Father (angrily ) -In future, you must
Good news remember where you put things.
Small brother -The skateboard you left
under the park seat yesterday has been No need to hurry
found. Hotel manager -Are you the gentleman
Big brother -Good news! Who has it? who wanted to be awakened to catch the
Small brother -I don't know, but it's been early train?
found. I looked, and it isn't there now. Hotel guest -Yes.
Hotel manager -Then you can go back to
Real donkey sleep, you've missed it.
Auntie -Well, how did you enjoy the ride
on Uncle's shoulders?
Minnie -Oh, it was quite nice, but I had a
Return ticket
ride on a real donkey yesterday. McTavish (victim of shipwreck) -Well, it
might have been worse.
Disappearance McTaggart (also a victim) -Yes, we might
Manager -I'm afraid that fellow I gave a have bought a return ticket.
job to last week is dishonest.
Assistant -You shouldn't judge by appear- Brotherly love
ances. Teacher -If I saw a boy beating a donkey,
Manager -I'm not, I'm judging by disap- and I stopped him, what virtue should I be
pearances. showing ?
Plug -Brotherly love, sir.

Bring another
Diner -Waiter, this soup isn't fit for a pig.
Waiter - Sorry, sir, I'll take it away and
bring some that is.
Replacement
Customer -Didn't you claim when you sold
me this car that you'd replace anything that
was broken or was missing?
Car salesman -Yes, sir. What is it?
Customer -Well, I want four front teeth
and a collar bone!
Scars
Barber -Have I shaved you before?
Customer -No. I got these scars in the
war.
Present
Bloggs -You should think of the future.
Noggs -I can't. It's my wife's birthday, and Like a horse
I'm thinking of the present. Artist -I've been working like a horse all
day.
Zoo imitation Friend -How?
Singer -I'm afraid I wasn't singing very Artist -I've been drawing a cart!
well tonight.
Wireless announcer -Oh, that's all right. Mash them
Teacher -If I had ten potatoes to share
You were announced as zoo imitations.
equally among four boys, how would I do it?
Sidney -Mash them, sir.
It's here
Stranger -Boy, where does this road go Bridge
to? Train guard -Keep your head inside the
Dimwit -I don't think it goes anywhere. window there.
It's here every morning. Passenger -Why?
Train guard -Because we don't want any of
our bridges damaged.
Turtle soup
Gent -Waiter I've been waiting half an Mistake
hour for my turtle soup! Teacher -Aren't you sorry you hit Timmy
Waiter -Well, sir; you know how slow tur- under the chin? I'm sure it was a mistake.
tles are! Jimmy -Yes, miss; I meant to bash him on
the nose.
How many?
Circus manager -What's the matter with
Missed
Angry man -I'll teach you to hit our cat
your hand? with stones!
New lion tamer -I put it in the lion's mouth Tommy -I wish you would sir. I've had ten
to see how many teeth he had, am he shut it shots, and missed each time.
to see how many fingers I had.
Boots
Superstitious Briggs -Did you tell Jiggs that I had the
Terry -Are you superstitious ? biggest feet you had ever seen ?
Jerry -Not at all. Griggs -No, I just said that if you took off
your boots you would be half- undressed.
Terry -Well, lend me thirteen pounds.

Lecture
Professor Crumb -What struck you most at
my lecture last night?
Professor Noodle -A bad egg that was
meant for you.
What else?
Professor (to student) -What are you
laughing at? Me?
Student -Oh, no, sir!
Professor (absently) -Then what else is
there in this room to laugh at?
Stranger
Small boy -Is that the sun or the moon up
there?
Our kettle
Dimwit -Sorry, I don't know. I'm a Mother -I'll teach you to tie a kettle to the
stranger to this place. cat's tail!
Small boy -it wasn't our cat.
You'd better Mother -No, but it was our kettle.
Villager -Are you painting those trees, sir?
Artist -I am; but it's no business of yours. Late again
Get on with your work instead of interrupting Boss (as Jenkins comes in half an hour
mine. late) -Late again! Jenkins -So am I!
Villager -Well, my work is to chop them
down. So you'd better hurry up with your Fortune-teller
painting. Diner -Waiter, there's a fly at the bottom
of my cup. What does it mean?
Referee Waiter -Sorry, sir. I'm a waiter, not a for-
Boss (finding office boy watching football tune-teller.
match) -So this is your uncle's funeral,
Tommy? Long wait
Tommy (after some quick thinking) - Grocer -What was that woman complain-
Looks like it, sir. He's the referee. ing about?
Assistant -Because she had a long wait.
How terrible! Grocer -Humph ! Some people are never
Boastful explorer -And there we stood - pleased. She was complaining about the
the tiger and myself in the thick of the jun- short weight yesterday.
gle, face to face!
Listener -How terrible it must have been
for both of you!
Quiet
Mother -I am glad you are keeping quiet
Extravagant boys, while Dad's having his nap.
Green -You're getting extravagant. Why Bill- Yes, Mum, we're watching his cigar
did you tip the waiter five pounds? burn down to his fingers.
Brown -Hush, man! He gave me ten
pounds too much in change. Fine for rats
Customer -You said that this dog was fine
Charge for rats. Why, it won't even go near them!
Bald man (in barber's chair) -Don't you Shopkeeper -Well, that's fine for the rats,
think I should get some reduction? There's isn't it?
very little hair to cut.
Barber -Oh no, in your case we don't Zebra
charge for cutting your hair: We charge for Teacher -What is a zebra?
having to search for it. Bobby -A donkey wearing a football jer-
sey.

Train
Passenger -Do I take this train to Leeds?
Guard -No. Get in, and it will take you.
Any change?
Bill -So you've got back from your holiday.
Any change?
Jim -Not a penny.
My shoes
Dennis -What would you do if you were in
my shoes?
Walter -Clean them.
Submarine
Sailor -I joined the navy to see the world.
Gentleman -Did you see it?
Saxophone Sailor -No, they put me in a submarine.
Jones -I thought you hated the saxo-
phone?
Bones -I do.
New sailor
Jones -Then why did you buy your son Captain (to new sailor) -Now what is
one? the first thing you do when you fall into
Bones -Because I hate the neighbors the sea?
more. New sailor -Get wet.
Standing Present tense

Tourist (to policeman with extra large Teacher -Tommy, do you know the present
feet) -Can you tell me where Trafalgar tense of knew?
Square is? Tommy -No, sir
Policeman -Yes, I'm standing on it. Teacher -Correct.
Tourist -No wonder I couldn't find it.
Brakes
Advert Passenger (in taxi) -There's only one thing
Toots -Are you still looking for your dog? I worry about in a car, and that's the brakes.
Smiffy -Yes. Taxi driver -Then you've nothing to worry
Toots -Why don't you put an advert in the about, sir, this car hasn't got any.
paper?
Smiffy -What's the use? The dog can't Clock
read! Agent -You want your office furniture
insured against theft?
Old-fashioned Manager -Yes, all except the clock; every-
Manager -Henry, you wear a very old- body watches it.
fashioned coat in the office.
Henry -Yes, it is a bit out of date. I bought Goldfish
it the last time I got a rise. Mother -Have you given the goldfish some
fresh water this morning, Smiffy?
Punch Smiffy -No, Mum, they haven't drunk the
Graham -Where is he? I'll punch his head. water I gave them last week.
Gordon -I've just punched his head.
Warm reception
Early Billy -My father gets a warm reception
Mike -Do you rise early? wherever he goes.
Millie -Early? If I rose much earlier I'd Tommy -He must be very popular
meet myself going to bed. Billy -No, it's not that. You see, he's a fire-
man.

Melon
A boastful American walked up to a British
fruit seller's stall and picked up a large
melon.
''Is that the largest apple you fellows can
grow over here?'' he asked.
''Put that grape down!'' snapped the fruit
seller.
Lift
Hotel guest -I tell you I won't have this
room! I'm not going to pay good money for
such a small room. You think that just
because I am from the country...
Bellboy -Step in, sir. This isn't your room.
It's the lift.
Centimetre
Teacher -Give me a sentence with the
Watch word ''centimetre'' in it.
Danny -Does your watch tell you the Wilfrid -My aunt arrived yesterday, and I
'time? was centimetre.
Smiffy -No; I have to look at it.
Father
Sudden stop Old man -Your father is entirely bald, isn't
Old man (to bricklayer) -Did your fall hurt he, Jack?
you? Jack -Yes, I am the only heir he has left.
Bricklayer -No, it was the sudden stop that
was most painful.
Dictionary
Sycamore Angry customer -I can't find words to
Nature lover (gazing at tree) -Oh, great express my feelings towards you.
oak tree, if you could only speak, what would Smart assistant -That's all right, sir. We
you say to me ? sell dictionaries here.
Gardener -if you please, sir; it would say
it was a sycamore, not an oak. Spider
Diner -Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
The weather Waiter -Catch it yourself. I'm not a spider.
John -Stop rubbing your hands like that.
The weather isn't cold.
Jim - I'm not trying to warm the weather.
Dirty face
I'm trying to warm my hands. Mother- Johnny, Auntie won't kiss you
with a dirty face like that.
Bright boy Johnny -That's what I thought.
Teacher -That boy of yours seems bright.
He'll carve out a name for himself some day. Unconscious
Father -He's done it already -on our new Lazy Len -I had a fall last night which ren-
piano! dered me unconscious for six hours.
Weary Willie -Really! Where did you I fall?
Famine Lazy Len -I fell asleep.
Stout man -You look as if there's been a
famine.
Thin man -And you look as if you'd caused Idiot
it. Boss -Now, my boy, are you boss of this
business or not?
Office boy -No, sir
Boss -Then don't talk like an idiot!
Steak
Diner -Waiter! This steak is only half the
size of the one I had yesterday.
Waiter -But you're not sitting beside the
window today, sir.
Parrot
Terry -How is it you know all about the
Smiths' private affairs?
Jerry -We looked after their parrot during
the summer holidays.
Trousers
Sergeant -What was all that noise you
were making in the dormitory last night?
Private -I was only dragging Brown's
trousers about the room, sir. Cheer up
Sergeant -Surely that wouldn't make all Election candidate -Really, gentlemen.
that noise? With all this uproar, I can hardly hear myself
Private -But Brown was in them, sir. speak.
Critic -Well, cheer up! You aren't missing
much!
Stars
Teacher (giving astronomy lesson) - Now, Position
Bobby, give me the names of some stars. Uncle -Are you able to keep your position
Bobby (brightly) -Football or film, sir? in class?
Smiffy - Certainly! I started at the bottom,
Tomorrow and no one has been able to take my place
Diner -Do you see that waiter over there? from me.
They call him ''Tomorrow''.
Friend -Why ? Pure milk
Diner -Because he never comes. Customer -Are you sure your milk is pure?
Milkman -Oh, yes. Every drop of water we
You saw first put in is filtered.
Teacher (pointing to a sweet wrapper on
the floor) Wilfrid, is this yours?
Luggage
Roger -How much will it cost to take me
Wilfrid -Not at all, sir. You saw it first. and my luggage right to my door?
Taxi driver -Five pounds. The luggage
Underground goes for nothing.
Teacher- Tell me, Dennis, who first invent- Roger -Right! Take my luggage and I'll
ed underground tunnels? walk.
Dennis -The worms, sir
Lemonade
River Old man -What are you digging for
Teacher -Now, Danny, do this subtraction Johnny?
mentally. Six of your friends went to the Johnny -Lemonade. Teacher says that
river, but two had been told not to go into the minerals are found in the earth.
water. Now tell me how many bathed?
Danny (promptly) -Six, sir. Ten pound note
Customer -Let me see. How much do you
want for that dog?
Vacuum cleaner Dealer -Forty pounds.
Mum -Goodness, Minnie, where's the Customer -I thought you said thirty yes-
canary? terday?
Minnie -I dunno, Mum. It was there when Dealer -Yes, but he swallowed a ten pound
I started cleaning its cage with the vacuum note last night.
cleaner.

Operation
Visitor to hospital -Have you been under
an operation?
Patient -No, under a car
The hardest work

Roger -I always do my hardest work
before breakfast.
Dad -What's that? Roger -Getting up.
Fraud
Jones -Who was that man you just raised
your hat to?
Bones -Oh, that was my barber. He sold
me a bottle of hair restorer a month ago, and
whenever I meet him I let him see what a
fraud he is.
The mayor
Smiffy's dad -Would you be good enough
to look after my car, please?
Death scene Mayor -Sir, I'm the mayor of the town!
Actor -Did you see the audience cry when Smiffy -That doesn't matter. You look hon-
I played the death scene? est enough.
Critic -Yes, they knew you weren't really
dead. Asylum
A passenger in an aero plane was far up in
Dark clouds the sky when the pilot began to laugh hys-
Fortune-teller -Do not worry, the dark terically.
clouds will soon roll by. Passenger -What's the joke?
Old gent -Look here, I want to know my Pilot -I'm thinking what they'll say at the
fortune, not the weather forecast. asylum when they find out I have escaped!
Wake up! Any goals?

Visitor -Do you ever score any goals?
Theatre producer -Couldn't the villain
Local -Dunno. I've only watched them for
shoot himself instead of taking poison?
two seasons.
Writer -Why?
Theatre producer -Well, the bang would
wake the audience up.
Poetry
Poet -So you think I ought to give up writ-
ing poetry?
Rescue Editor -No, you ought to begin.
Diner -Hey, waiter, there's a fly in my
soup. Color-blind
Waiter -Well, you don't want me to jump Mr. White -Excuse me, sir are you Mr.
in and rescue it, do you? Green?
Mr. Brown -No, sir I'm Mr. Brown.
Wasp Mr. White -A thousand pardons! You see,
Teacher -Do you know, Billy, that a I'm color-blind.
grasshopper is so strong that it can jump a
hundred times its own length? Foreman
Billy -Why, that's nothing. I once saw a Boss -Has the foreman told you what to
wasp lift a twelve-stone man two feet into do?
the air. New watchman -Yes; I've to wake him up
when the boss comes.

Potato
Mr. Smith -Your son threw a potato at me.
Mr. Jones -Did it hit you?
Mr. Smith -No.
Mr. Jones -Then it wasn't my son.
Underwater
Father -Well, Alfie, what were your end-of-
term marks like?
Alfie -Underwater!
Father -What do you mean?
Alfie -Below ''C'' level!
The donkey brays

One day a friend visited Hodja and said
"Hodja, I want to borrow your donkey." "I'm
sorry," replied Hodja, "but I've already lent it
to someone else." As soon as he said this,
the donkey brayed.
"But Hodja, I can hear the donkey! It's in
the stable!" Shutting the door in his friend's
face, Hodja told him with dignity, "A man
I could
who believes the word of a donkey above my Teacher -Dennis! You can't sleep in my
word doesn't deserve to be lent anything!" class.
Dennis -Please sir, if you didn't talk so
loudly I could.
Gruesome
Teacher -Sidney, you give me a sentence
using the word ''gruesome''.
Inseparable
Sidney - Er, my mum's plants grew some Jock -Hector and Hamish had a terrible
in the past two weeks! row last night.
Alec -I thought they were inseparable
friends?
Good cook Jock -That's right. It took six of us to sep-
Bill (at Scout camp) -Is Jack a good cook? arate them.
Sam -I don 't think so. The last time I saw
him he was trying to open an egg with a tin-
opener!
The first rung
Dennis -I fell off a sixty-foot ladder yes-
terday.
Hamburger Minnie -It's a wonder you weren't killed.
Boy -Dad, I can't eat this hamburger. It's Dennis -Not really. I fell off the first rung.
awful!
Dad -Shall I call the waiter?
Boy -No, I don't think even he'll be able to
The interrupted dream
eat it! While taking a nap on the porch, one hot
summer day, Hodja dreamed that a stranger
promised to give him ten pieces of gold. The
None of them stranger placed them in Hodja's hand one by
Ian -When I'm grown up, everybody will one until he reached the tenth piece, which
be scared of me. he hesitated to give him.
Pa -What'll you be -a boxer or a wrestler? "Come on! What are you waiting for?" said
Ian - None of them. I'm going to be a den- Hodja. "You promised me ten!" Just then he
tist! woke up. He immediately looked at this hand
and saw that it was empty. He quickly shut
Milkman his eyes again, stretched out his hand and
Teacher -What comes before seven, boy? said, "All right, I'll settle for nine!"
Sidney -Er, the milkman!

Electricity
Boss -Everything in this office is worked
by electricity.
Office boy -I know, sir. Even the wages
give you a shock!
Lost
One day Hodja lost his donkey. While
looking for it he was also rejoicing. When the
people saw him they couldn't figure out why
he was so happy. When they asked him the
reason, Hodja told them, "I'm happy because
I wasn't riding the donkey when it got lost. If
I had been, I'd be lost now, too!"
Bad luck
Charlie -Helping Mr. McKay to look for a
five pound note he'd lost.
Mum -Did you have any luck?
Charlie -No, he found it himself.
Supper
Mum -Well, what comes after T?
Angus -Supper.
Last poem
Poet -What do you think of my last poem?
Editor -Well, I'm glad to hear it's your last.
Late for school Myself

Smiffy (in bed) -Gosh! It's quarter to Butler -There's a man wanting to see you,
eight! If Mum doesn't wake me up soon I'll sir.
be late for school! Absent-minded professor -Tell him I'm not
in.
Big fool Butler -I told him, but he won't go away,
Jock -Jamie's not such a big fool as he sir.
used to be. Absent-minded professor -Oh well, I'd
Alistair - Is he getting wise; then? better go and tell him myself!
Jock -No -thinner.
Court
The rest Judge -The next person who raises his
voice in this court will be thrown out!
Dad -How many sums did you have wrong
Prisoner -Hip, hip, hooray!
in your arithmetic test?
Smiffy -One.
Postcard
Dad -And how many did you have to do? Slow waiter -How did you order your
Smiffy -Twelve. steak, sir?
Dad -So you had eleven right? Weary customer -I ordered it by word of
Smiffy -No, I didn't do the rest. mouth, but I suppose I ought to have sent
you a postcard two weeks in advance!
Discount
Judge -You've been up before this bench Acrobats
seven times. I fine you to 20 years. Showman -Two pounds to see the acro-
Prisoner -Can I get a discount for being a bats. Come along, sonny -only two pounds.
regular customer? Davie -I've only got one pound, mister -
but if you let me in, I'll only open one eye.

One glance
Bill and Bert paid a visit to a court while a
trial was in progress.
Bert -I've no doubt about this case. One
glance at that fellow over there tells me he's
guilty.
Bill -Sssh! That's the judge!
Skunk
What would you get if you crossed a goril-
la with a skunk?
I don't know what you would call it, but
it'd have no trouble getting a seat on the
bus!
Favorite
Teacher -What is your favorite subject
Danny?
Danny -Latin. Boot
Teacher -But you're not learning that. Why can't a car play football? Because it's
Danny -I know, that's why it's my favorite. only got one boot!
Manager March! March!

Diner -Look here, this will never do. That What date is a command to go forward?
March 4th!
man over there has got much more to eat
than me. Where's the manager? Sheep
Waiter -That man is the manager. Tourist -How many sheep do you have
here?
The wrong face Shepherd -I can't say exactly. Every time
Sergeant (in army camp ) -Why haven 't I start to count them, I fall asleep.
you shaved this morning?
Private -Well, there were eight of us using Angry
the same mirror; and I must have shaved the Teacher -I was very angry yesterday when
I heard a boy snoring during my lesson.
wrong face.
Pupil- Yes, so was I. The noise woke me
up!
What a long way
Barney -I was born in New York, but I Painted
went to school in Scotland. Jack -Would you please open the gate for
Jock -Gosh, what a long way you had to me?
go every day! Old man (opening the gate) -Yes, but why
don't you open it yourself?
Jack -Because it's just been painted!
What hand?
Terry - What hand do you stir your tea Marbles
with? Mum -Quick, Garry, run for the doctor!
Jerry -I stir mine with a spoon! Baby's swallowed one of your marbles!
Garry -That's all right. I've got plenty
Railways more!
Speaker (after a very boring lecture) -
Now is there anybody who has a further
Marvelous ear
Applicant for a job in a music shop - I've
question to ask about the railways of Great a marvelous ear for music. I can pick up any-
Britain? thing musical.
Angus -Yes. What time does your train Boss -All right. Help me shift this piano.
leave?

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The Perfect Son Attention

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 199

200 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

End of the world Decisions

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 201

202 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

Nine o'clock Brakes

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 203

Shape of the earth

204 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

Who is this speaking?

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 205

A good little boy

206 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

208 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

210 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 211

212 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

New cemetery Out to Lunch

Dentist Nice face

214 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 215

Little patient Antique

216 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 217

Wood pigeon On fire

Popular Not one

Fairy-tale Always right

218 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 219

How do you find?

A wish What steps?

Nearest way Too late!

Motor car Gas-pipe

220 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

There wasn't any

Marbles The best time

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 221

Revenge Don't worry

222 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 223

224 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

Standing Present tense

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 225

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 227

The hardest work

Wake up! Any goals?

228 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

The donkey brays

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 229

Late for school Myself

230 JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

Manager March! March!

JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES 231

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