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NINE 

STEPFAMILIES WITH


ADULT STEPCHILDREN

For the adult child, becoming part of a stepfamily poses complex

dilemmas and requires multiple adjustments.

—Sarah Corrie (2002, p. 137)

A review of the stepfamily literature would lead one to conclude that

stepfamily life ends when the children turn 18. As discussed in previous
chapters, the vast majority of stepfamily research focuses on remarried couples
with nonadult (under age 18) children. Focusing only on stepfamilies with
younger children is a problem for two reasons. The first is the aging of society.
The Baby Boom generation, the nearly 80 million Americans born between
1946 and 1964, are beginning to enter later adulthood. For example, Bill
Clinton (b. August 19, 1946), the first baby boomer elected president, is
approaching our society’s traditional retirement age of 65. Baby boomers grew
up in a time of more liberal social values and are less adverse to divorce (and
subsequent repartnering) than were previous generations (Cornman & Kingston,
1996). Therefore, although it is the case that divorce, cohabitation, and remar-
riage are more common among younger than older people, these trends will
become increasingly common among older Americans. This was the situation
for Rosemary and James, described in the fifth scenario of Chapter 1, who at
the time of their marriage had four adult children between them.

190
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Stepfamilies With Adult Stepchildren 191

Photo 9.1 Stepfamilies today often involve adult stepchildren.

© Pool/Tim Graham Picture Library /Corbis.

A second reason why it is a problem to focus solely on stepfamilies with

younger children is that stepfamilies formed during the “divorce revolution” of
the 1970s and 1980s are themselves aging. Millions of children who have
grown up in stepfamilies are making the transition to adulthood or are adults
in the midst of balancing career and family responsibilities. Likewise, this is
the first time the American population has seen substantial numbers of older
adults and elderly people who have experienced stepfamily living and long-
term stepfamily relationships. Subsequent generations of elderly Americans
will have even more experience with stepfamily living (Wachter, 1995).
Stepfamilies with adult stepchildren therefore include two groups: (1)
stepfamilies formed when couples’ children are adults, and (2) stepfamilies
formed when couples’ children were young but who are now adults. This
chapter reviews what is currently known about “older” stepfamilies with
respect to relationship quality and dynamics, social support, and well-being.
With a few exceptions, most notably research by family sociologist Lynn
White, this is a relatively new area of study with potential for growth. I close
by making suggestions for future research topics.
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192 BRAVE NEW STEPFAMILIES

THE RISE OF STEPFAMILIES WITH ADULT STEPCHILDREN

The Aging of Society

The aging of society has had a massive impact on family life, including
stepfamily life. Population aging refers to two related trends: (1) an increase
in the percentage of the population that is elderly (i.e., age 65+), and (2) an
increase in the actual number of elderly Americans. In 2000, 12% of the pop-
ulation was 65 years of age or older, compared with 10% in 1970 (Himes,
2001). The difference sounds small, but it amounts to 35 million people. It is
projected that by 2040, one in five Americans or roughly 20% will be age 65
or older (Himes, 2001). Whereas the former trend is primarily the result of low
fertility and couples having smaller families (i.e., fewer children around means
more old people), the latter trend is more the result of improvements in health,
including new medicines, medical technologies and treatments, and changes in
lifestyle (e.g., better nutrition, exercise) that allow older people to live longer.
In 1970, the average length of life was 71 years, 67 for men and 75 for women
(National Center for Health Statistics [NCHS], 2006). In 2003, the average
length of life was 78 years, 75 for men and 80 for women (NCHS, 2006).
That American society is becoming older has a number of implications for
family life. People will spend more years in family relationships; they will
spend a smaller proportion of their lives parenting young children and a larger
proportion as parents of adult children, and grandparenting will increase in
prominence (Bianchi & Casper, 2000). The aging of society has important
effects on stepfamilies as well, namely that an increasing proportion of step-
families will contain adult stepchildren. While understanding younger children
and their well-being is extremely important, our attention needs to turn toward
adult stepfamily relationships and the concerns of older stepfamily members.

RELATIONSHIPS IN STEPFAMILIES
WITH ADULT STEPCHILDREN

Biological Parents and Stepparents

Given the older ages of the children in stepfamilies with adult stepchildren,
it is not surprising that they tend to be couple- rather than child-focused (Berger,
1995). In fact, adult children sometimes perceive a remarried parent as too
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Stepfamilies With Adult Stepchildren 193

couple-focused and not concerned enough about their needs and the needs of
their children (i.e., the grandchildren and stepgrandchildren of the older couple).
This may become a more pressing issue for families, because children are taking
longer make the transition to adulthood and establish their own careers, homes,
and families (N. R. White, 2002). Yet there has been little research specifically
on the couple relationship in stepfamilies with adult stepchildren, especially on
couples who remarry or cohabit after their children are grown up.
Cohabitatation is an important aspect of stepfamilies with adult step-
children. It appears that older couples who cohabit are more likely to view their
relationship as an alternative to marriage than are younger cohabitors (see
Chapter 5). King and Scott (2005) found, using data from the two waves of the
National Survey of Families and Households (NSFH), that older cohabitors are
less likely than younger cohabitors to have plans to marry their partner and are
less likely to list assessing compatibility for marriage as a reason for cohabit-
ing, despite having higher-quality and more stable relationships. The fact that
these couples felt good about their relationship yet did not intend to marry is
telling. Although the reasons aren’t clear, older couples may eschew marriage
in favor of cohabitation out of concern for their adult children’s feelings, to pro-
tect their assets (i.e., children’s inheritances), to avoid social security and tax
penalties, and other financial reasons (King & Scott, 2005).
Another living arrangement increasingly being seen among older couples
(but not limited to older couples) is living apart together (LAT). LAT couples
are couples that “retain their own separate homes and one-person households,
but from time to time live together” (De Jong Gierveld & Peeters, 2003, p. 189).
Awareness of this trend is very new, and so far what is known about LAT is
based on studies from Scandinavia, England, Europe (e.g., Italy, France,
Germany), and Canada (Levin, 2004; Milan & Peters, 2003). LAT couples gen-
erally have children from previous relationships and might be considered a new
kind of stepfamily. “Caring for others” (e.g., children) is a common reason why
couples choose LAT, according to the Canadian General Social Survey (Milan
& Peters, 2003). De Jong Gierveld and Peeters (2003), who studied older LAT
couples in the Netherlands, indicate that the phenomenon is also driven by cou-
ples’ desires to retain their independence with respect to their day-to-day activ-
ities, by personality conflicts and practical concerns like losing a pension or
dividing inheritances, as well as by the desire for the comfort and companion-
ship of a steady partner (De Jong Gierveld & Peeters, 2003). These data indi-
cate that previously married adults who were older than 55 when their marriage
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194 BRAVE NEW STEPFAMILIES

ended are three time more likely to form LAT relationships than adults who
were under 55, and adults who were married twice or more are twice as likely
to form LAT relationships as adults who were only married once (De Jong
Gierveld, 2004). A report on LAT from the Italian National Institute of
Statistics (2005) states that, “In the USA, the discussion about LAT relation-
ships has just begun” (p. 11). LAT relationships needs to be incorporated into
discussions of American marriage and cohabitation patterns, especially when
investigating intimate relationships among older couples.

Relationships Between Biological

Parents and Their Adult Children

Adult Stepchildren and Parental “Neglect”

Family therapist Patricia Papernow (1993), the inventor of the stepfamily

cycle, argues that stepfamily dynamics can be just as complicated and stress-
ful in stepfamilies with grown children as stepfamilies with young children. In
her practice, Papernow has seen “children” as old as 50 having trouble accept-
ing the changes resulting from a parent’s remarriage, such as new holiday tra-
ditions. For example,

Because the parents of these young adults may feel freer to confide in them
as equals, loyalty binds can be intense. Graduations, weddings, and other
life-cycle events that should be sources of pride become painful reminders of
a divided household, or worse, battlegrounds for warring ex-spouses. (p. 365)

Other family therapists have noticed “a significant increase in the number of

adult children requesting help with adjusting to parental remarriage” (Corrie,
2002, p. 136).
Children who are young adults still have many developmental tasks to
accomplish, and experiencing a parent’s divorce or remarriage at this time can
be unsettling. Young adults also need their parent to be interested in and sup-
portive of their activities and to celebrate their achievements. Young adult
children with divorcing and/or remarrying parents can at times feel neglected.
One woman, a graduate student finishing her master’s thesis, explains, “I have
accomplished a lot. But it’s like there’s no place to take it to! My dad’s acting
like a teenager in love and my mom is going nuts. They’re both too self-
absorbed to notice” (Papernow, 1993, p. 366). Corrie (2002) identified eight
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Stepfamilies With Adult Stepchildren 195

• Feeling emotionally distressed by a parent’s decision to remarry

• Feeling rejected
• Feeling betrayed
• Experiencing feelings of anger toward a parent or stepparent
• Loss of self-esteem
• Struggling to accept a stepparent who is the same age as the client
• Disliking overt signs of a parent’s sexuality (such as witnessing the new couple
holding hands, embracing, or flirting)
• Problems coping with parental pressure to develop a close relationship with a
stepparent

Figure 9.1 Dilemmas and Adjustment Difficulties Faced by Adult Children

Experiencing Family Reconfiguration

SOURCE: From Corrie, S., “Working therapeutically with adult stepchildren: identifying the
needs of a neglected client group” in Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 37, p. 138, copyright ©
2002 The Haworth Press, Binghamton, NY.

common dilemmas faced by adult children whose parents have remarried

(Figure 9.1). Notice that these issues are not that different from those of
younger stepchildren (see Chapter 3). Lifecourse events that occur along with
the remarriage (e.g., birth of half-siblings, younger stepsiblings moving into
the home) also have the potential to affect adult stepchildren.

Contact and Closeness With Biological Parents

Before talking about stepfamilies, it is important to establish a baseline of

relationship quality between adult children and their formerly single biological
parents. Cooney (1994) examined parent-child relationships in a sample of
young adults whose parents had recently divorced. The children’s relationships
with their mothers were similar to mother-child relationships in intact families,
but children whose parents had divorced had less contact with their fathers than
did children from intact families and daughters reported less intimacy with their
fathers. These results are in line with studies of divorced parents with younger
children showing low levels of nonresident parental involvement after divorce.
Among children with divorced parents, adult children’s closeness to parents was
positively associated with contact. This was not true of children with married
parents, suggesting adult parent-child relationships in divorced families are less
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196 BRAVE NEW STEPFAMILIES

obligatory and more voluntary (Cooney, 1994). When studying stepfamilies with
adult stepchildren, it is important to keep in mind that adult children have greater
control over the parent-child relationship (Ambert, 2001).
Data collected by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP)
suggest that a divorced mother’s remarriage (but not a father’s) weakens ties
to adult children (Lawton, Silverstein, & Bengtson, 1994; but see White,
Brinkerhoff, & Booth, 1985). Remarried mothers, more so than fathers, may
have increased domestic and caretaking responsibilities that negatively affect
the relationship with adult children. This may be compounded by the older age
of the new spouse. A 75-year-old remarried woman says,

My children always respected him and were always very good to him.
My partner, however, couldn’t get along with my children. When they were
gone, he would always talk negatively about them. He found the grand-
children too noisy, and told me time and again that they didn’t have good
manners. My children never did anything right, in his eyes. They did their
best to put him at ease, but he found everything too much (De Jong Gierveld
& Peeters, 2003, p. 191).

A 68-year-old remarried woman reports the reverse problem; her partner’s

children would not accept her:

My children accept him and our relationship: they see him as their own
father. But his children do not accept me: they didn’t even come to our wed-
ding (De Jong Gierveld & Peeters, 2003, p. 191).

There is also evidence of positive relationships between adult stepchildren

and stepparents. One 71-year-old man who is cohabiting remarks, “And her
children are fantastic to me. It’s as if they were my own sons” (De Jong Gierveld
& Peeters, 2003, p. 191). These are discussed in more detail in the next section.

Relationships Between Stepparents and Adult Stepchildren

Lynn White (e.g., White, 1994) is one of the few researchers who have
examined stepfamily relationships in later phases of the life course. Using data
from the NSFH, she found that, compared with biological parents with adult
children, stepparents live further away from their children geographically, see
their children less often, and have lower-quality relationships. Other research
based on this same dataset suggests that this is the case in both blue-collar and
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Stepfamilies With Adult Stepchildren 197

white-collar families (Kulis, 1992). Older stepparents give less advice and
household help, provide less companionship to adult stepchildren, and receive
less support from them (White, 1994). The difference in support between step-
parents and biological parents was especially great for stepmothers. Another
study by Pruett, Calsyn, and Jensen (1993) similarly found that college
students from stepmother families perceived less social support (e.g., greater
conflict and less cohesion) from their mothers than did students from intact
families. Relationship quality was better if the stepparent had no biological
children of his or her own, suggesting that biological children compete with
stepchildren. Stepparents who come into the family later in life may feel espe-
cially competitive with their adult stepchildren. This may be true especially if
the two are close in age (De Jong Gierveld & Peeters, 2003). Younger step-
parents may even be motivated to have children (or additional children) so as
not to be “upstaged” by the new babies of their adult stepchildren (Bernstein,
1989). It is difficult to imagine a healthy stepparent-stepchild relationship
developing under these circumstances.
It is unclear how stepparent-stepchild relationships formed during the
stepchildren’s childhood continue to unfold in their adulthood. As discussed
in Chapter 3, researchers are just beginning to address potential changes in
stepparent-stepchild relationships in stepchildren’s childhoods. Qualitative
studies suggest that stepparents and stepchildren in stepfamilies formed in
adulthood may always feel like “strangers” to one another (Berger, 1998, p. 75),
perhaps because contact is minimal. Other stepparents may come to see his or
her adult stepchildren as biological children and vice versa (De Jong Gierveld
& Peeters, 2003).

The Special Case of Stepmother-Stepchild Relationships

What are stepmother-stepchild relationships like in stepfamilies with
adulthood stepchildren? Recall from Chapter 3 that stepmothers tend to have
more difficult and lower-quality relationships with their stepchildren than do
stepfathers. The research cited above suggests that stepmother-stepchild rela-
tionships are less close than stepfather-stepchild relationships at the later
stages of the lifecourse. Several other studies support this. White et al. (1985)
examined stepparent-stepchild relationships in adulthood from the perspective
of the stepchild. College students report much lower levels of attachment to
stepmothers than to biological mothers, but the same level of attachment to
biological fathers and stepfathers.
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198 BRAVE NEW STEPFAMILIES

Similarly, Sauer and Fine (1988) compared 130 college students from
intact families and 47 students from stepfamilies and found no differences in
perceptions of relationships with stepfathers and biological fathers, but worse
relationships with stepmothers than biological mothers. Neither study exam-
ined these relationships over time, however. Vinick and Lanspery (2000) inter-
viewed 25 stepmothers about their relationships with their stepchildren from
their initial meeting to the time of the interview, a period of time ranging from
10 and 41 years. They found that the majority (two thirds) of stepmother-
stepchild relationships were “stable and positive” (i.e., did not change) or saw
“positive improvement.” The remaining third were “stable negative” or became
worse. Unfortunately, the authors do not distinguish positive (or negative)
relationships that remained stable from those that experienced change.
Nevertheless, this research suggests that stepmother-stepchild relationships in
later life are either positive or improve over time. Stepmothers with adult
stepchildren should approach their role in the same manner as stepmothers with
younger stepchildren: with caution. Ann Landers frequently fields questions
from stepmothers, including stepmothers with adult stepchildren (Figure 9.2).

Dear Ann Landers: I am married to a kind, considerate, thoughtful man. It’s the
second marriage for both “Ben” and me. We are in our 50s.
Ben’s children are in their 20s. He has given them cars and paid their golf fees,
and he continues to hand over spending money and buy them luxuries. Nobody
works. They are all in college (for which their father pays, of course).
When I point out that his kids are taking advantage of him, Ben becomes
sullen and uncommunicative. Our marriage would be perfect if it weren’t for this
problem. What should I do?

—Clear View

Dear Clear: Lay off. Your husband knows you are right, but he can’t help himself.
His relationship with his children was established before he met you.
The principal reason for the failure of second marriages is kids. So watch it,
dear, lest you become a statistic.

Figure 9.2 Ann Landers: Clear View

SOURCE: Landers (1996, p. 28). Question used by permission of Esther P. Lederer and Creators
Syndicate, Inc.; answer from Wake Up and Smell the Coffee! By Ann Landers, copyright © 1996
by The Eppie Co., Inc. Used by permission of Villard Books, a division of Random House, Inc.
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Stepfamilies With Adult Stepchildren 199

In fact, in contrast to “evil stepmother” stereotypes, many older stepmothers

feel that they often served as family facilitators, or the “carpenters” of the family
(Vinick & Lanspery, 2000, p. 381). One stepmother explains:

My husband got himself a computer, and he was showing us what he was

making. His daughter said, “You have never done anything for me.” He
turned away; he was sick over it. He said, “How can she say that? She wanted
a horse, so I bought her a horse. She wanted to play the piano, so I bought
her a piano. She wanted to go to college, so she went.” I finally called (her)
and said, “I think that you owe your father an apology. Don’t ever say that he
hasn’t done anything for you, because he has.” The next day she did call.
(Vinick & Lanspery, 2000, p. 382)

In contrast to Bernstein’s (1989) research described above, the authors of

this study saw that positive relationships were more common if the stepmother
came onto the scene later in the child’s life (after the difficult teen years), when
the child’s biological mother is less involved. Positive relationships also
seemed more common when the stepfamily resulted from the death of the
spouse rather than divorce, in part because the children had better relationships
with their widowed than their divorced fathers. Stepmothers who developed
positive relationships generally took the lead to clear the air of past conflicts.
Stepmothers who did not develop positive relationships with their stepchildren
by the time the stepchildren were adults seemed regretful that they did not do
more to improve the relationship:

There never really has been a heart-to-heart [conversation with the kids]. I’ve
never imagined myself being that assertive. [But I] probably should. If
we were of the type to read more self-help books, we would probably have
done a lot of [that kind of thing]. I wouldn’t be so quick to assume that we
deserve the program that was dumped on us—I, accepting the evil woman
category, and [my husband] being the unfaithful father. You’re so willing to
accept all of this and not do anything about it, instead of being more realis-
tic and . . . setting certain expectations for them. (Vinick & Lanspery, 2000,
pp. 382–383).

Many of the stepmothers in Bernstein’s (1989) sample also noticed a marked

improvement in their relationship with their stepchildren once the children
moved out of the house. A stepmother from this study remarked, “They’re
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200 BRAVE NEW STEPFAMILIES

great to be with as long as they’re not leaving their wet towels on my floor”
(pp. 287–288). Studies that examine stepmother-stepchild relationships over
time are needed, but the existing studies provide evidence that stepparent-
stepchild relationships in stepchildren’s adulthood are not static.

Step- and Half-Sibling Relationships in Adulthood

There is a great deal of ambiguity surrounding step- and half-sibling

relationships in adulthood (as the letter in Figure 9.3 exemplifies). White
(1998) examined the consistency of adult men and women’s reports of their
number of siblings over time using the NSFH and found significantly more
discrepancies among adults who had complex family histories and step- and
half-siblings than among adults with only full siblings. One possible reason
is that adults have less contact with their step- and half-siblings than with full
siblings (White & Reidmann, 1992b). The difference in level of contact is
substantial. Based on the NSFH, adult full siblings saw each other an aver-
age of one to three times a month and saw step and half-siblings only a few
times a year. Contact with step- and half-siblings was greater when there
were no full siblings, when the stepchildren spent a greater portion of their
childhood living with a stepparent, and when the stepparent was a stepfather
rather than a stepmother. Distance had a stronger negative effect on step- and
half-sibling contact than on full sibling contact, suggesting that step- and
half-siblings were less likely to make the effort to see each other.
The more distant relationships between step- and half-siblings might be
linked to the large age gaps between them (Bernstein, 1989; Farmer, 2005).
Their interest in getting to know one another is often out of sync. Bernstein
(1989) explains that when the stepfamily is first formed, the older children are
generally adolescents and young adults and have little interest in spending
time with the younger children. When the older children grow up, they expe-
rience renewed interest, but the younger children are now in their adolescence
and are therefore not that interested in having a relationship, plus they have
been previously rejected by the older siblings.
Nevertheless, stepsiblings can be important sources of support for young
adults. Farmer (2005) conducted in-depth interviews with 29 college-aged
men and women with one or more stepsiblings. She found that stepsibling
relationships were either “close and positive” or “distant and neutral.” Step-
siblings that lived together in the same household when they were growing up,
stepsiblings that were close in age (but not too close), and stepsiblings with
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Stepfamilies With Adult Stepchildren 201

Q: I am a 25-year-old single woman. My father recently married a woman with

grown children. One of my new stepbrothers is 27, and I immediately hit it off with
him. I’m very attracted to him, but I’m not sure it’s ethical. What should I do? Should
I talk to my dad about it?

—T. G., Alabama

Unethical? Not necessarily. You’re not blood-related; you are both adults with lives
that are separate from those of your parents and thus can conduct a relationship
that need not affect their marriage. Unwise? Possibly. If things end badly and you
end up hating each other, family functions could be extremely uncomfortable for
everybody.
Before you even consider making a move, think about your own dating history.
Are you a person who becomes very emotional over a breakup, gets attached
quickly or (be honest) jumps from one relationship to another? If you say yes to any
of those scenarios, set your sights on someone you won’t have to pass the gravy to
at the holiday table.
Or do you consider yourself a sensible, “head first, heart later” dater? If so, pro-
ceed, but with caution. Instead of acting on the physical attraction, take some time
to really get to know this guy as a friend and see whether he’s someone who is kind,
thoughtful, honest, loyal—and is worth taking the risk.
Although you don’t need your dad’s permission, be sure to let him know
beforehand if you do decide to date his stepson, out of respect and courtesy. If he
has reservations, consider his reasons with an open mind. He may know things
about this man that make him undateworthy and could save you a lot of heartache.

Figure 9.3 RelationTips: Can You Date Your Stepbrother?

SOURCE: D. Hughes (2005). Originally appeared in the April 8–10, 2005, issue of USA Weekend
Magazine. Reprinted with permission.

fewer full siblings had the best relationships in young adulthood. Female
stepsiblings provided emotional support to both female and male respondents,
but same-sex siblings felt they had more in common and could share activities:

My stepsister and I we go shopping together and stuff, so it’s kind of neat that
way that we have stuff in common just because we’re both girls and we’re
about the same age, the same general size so we can kind of swap clothes and
stuff. (Farmer, 2005, p. 59)

Many, though, had distant relationships:

After my stepsister moved out and I moved out, the chance that my stepsister
and I would see each other was really slim. Although I go home a whole lot
more often than she does because I’m closer. But, when we see each other
it’s just like, “Hi,” “Hi, how are you doing?” We’ll have a small conversation,
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202 BRAVE NEW STEPFAMILIES

but we’re always there for a reason and have got to go. And in the summer,
I was always working and she was always working, so we’d hardly see each
other. Since this school year started, I’ve emailed her once to say “Happy
Birthday” and she emailed me back, but that was the extent of our commu-
nication this year so far. (Farmer, 2005, p. 46)

Adult stepsiblings may become even more distant and/or lose contact
altogether with the death or divorce of their parent or parents (Bernstein, 1989).
Their relationship with their former stepparents often ends at that point as well,
even for stepparents and stepchildren who have been together for many years.

Grandparents and Grandchildren in Stepfamilies With Adult

Stepchildren

Divorce and remarriage have become more common among older Americans.
Children’s relationships with their grandparents are negatively affected when
their grandparents divorce. King (2003) examined a sample of White never-
divorced and ever-divorced grandparents from rural Iowa and found that the
grandparent role is less salient to divorced grandparents than to nondivorced
grandparents. Divorced grandparents have less contact with their grand-
children and take part in fewer activities with them; they are less close with
them and are less likely to think of themselves as “a friend” to their grand-
children; and they report more conflict. Whether the divorced grandparent had
remarried made little difference, except that they took part in fewer activities
with their grandchildren. Divorced grandparents are less involved in grand-
parenting than nondivorced grandparents in part because they tend to live fur-
ther away and because they tend to be less close to their adult children. Similar
to the effect of parental divorce on the parent–adult child relationship, divorce
and remarriage among the grandparent generation appear to negatively affect
the grandparent-grandchild relationship.
There is a lack of research on grandparents’ relationships with adult
(step)grandchildren in stepfamilies. One study of children’s relationships with
their paternal grandparents suggests that their pattern of involvement remains low
and stable (Bray & Berger, 1990). Maternal grandparent-grandchild relationships
and stepgrandparent-grandchild relationships can be an important source of sup-
port for children with divorced parents (see Chapter 6). However, it is unclear
how this relationship develops as the child makes the transition to adulthood.
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Stepfamilies With Adult Stepchildren 203

THE WELL-BEING OF LATER-LIFE STEPFAMILIES

The Well-Being of Parents and Stepparents

It is probably beneficial for older men and women with adult children to
have an intimate relationship with a spouse or partner, although there are few
empirical studies of this. Older single women without a boyfriend (i.e., “a spe-
cial male friend whom you see exclusively”) who are the primary caretakers
of aging parents are more depressed than married caretakers, are less likely to
receive support from others, and get less satisfaction out of social network
(Brody, Litvin, Hoffman, & Kleban, 1995). Older men and women who have
formed partnerships (i.e., remarriages, cohabitations, or LATs) have a denser
social network to draw upon (De Jong Gierveld & Peeters, 2003). Among
older men (men over 50), cohabitors have more depressive symptoms than
married men—a result not observed for older cohabiting versus married
women (Brown, Bulanda, & Lee, 2005). Other research has focused on widow-
hood rather than on divorce. Widows and widowers have similar interest in
dating and remarriage (Carr, 2004). Having supportive friends is associated
with less dating among widowers, suggesting that friends can substitute for
romantic partners later in life (Carr, 2004). Older men and women who want
to date, and do date, after the death of a spouse are less depressed than those
who are not interesting in dating, but it turns out that this effect is the result of
the daters having more socioeconomic resources (e.g., education, income, and
their own home) than of the dating (Carr, 2004).
The care and support of aging parents and stepparents is an important con-
cern of adult children. For this reason, the adult children of divorced parents
are often happy and relieved when their parents form a new union. Older
adults who have been divorced have a lower income-to-needs ratio, fewer
assets, and higher rates of poverty than men and women in first marriages;
men and women in remarriages have similar rates of poverty as men and
women in first marriages but still have lower incomes and fewer assets
(Holden & Kuo, 1996), suggesting that older remarried men and women do
not fully recover social and economic support lost through divorce. On the
other hand, some argue that the more complex family networks of the remar-
ried elderly may translate into greater financial and social support (Wachter,
1995; White, 1994). To help answer this question, I examine research that has
looked at (a) public perceptions of obligations to aging stepfamily members,
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204 BRAVE NEW STEPFAMILIES

(b) perceptions of support among elderly stepfamily members themselves, and

(c) actual support provided to elderly stepfamily members.

Public Perceptions of Obligations to Aging Stepfamily Members

The general public’s perception of adult children’s obligations to their

aging divorced parents depends on the amount of contact that had been main-
tained between them. For instance, a nonresident father who rarely saw his
children when they were growing up was deemed less worthy of their adult
children’s support than a father who had remained involved (Ganong &
Coleman, 1999). The public perceives adult children to be less obligated to
help aging stepparents, especially stepmothers, than aging biological parents
(Ganong & Coleman, 1999). Like aid to biological parents, aid to stepparents
is conditional and is based on prior contact and exchanges (Ganong & Coleman,
1999). This presents a problem, because men and women who have step-
children are less likely to have had biological children (Stewart, 2000).

Stepfamily Members’ Perceptions

of Obligations to Each Other

Adult stepparents and stepchildren themselves perceive that they have

very few obligations to each other, and that any obligations are conditional on
the nature of their previous relationship (Clawson & Ganong, 2002). Others
have compared perceptions of support among elderly men and women with
different marital histories. Curran, McLanahan, and Knab (2003), using a
national sample of men and women 65 and older, found that those in their sec-
ond marriages have similar perceptions of overall support (e.g., had someone
they could call in the middle of the night, had someone they could borrow
$200 from for a few weeks, had someone they could call for help or advice if
feeling depressed or confused), but remarried men and women were less likely
to be able to rely upon family for emotional support than first-married indi-
viduals, and remarried women perceive receiving less emergency support from
kin. One possibility is that stepkin provide less emotional support than bio-
logical kin, although it is unclear from this study whether the relations are bio-
logical kin or stepkin. On the other hand, divorced people who have remarried
perceive receiving more financial help from family than do divorced people
who have been married only once, but this might be because remarried people
tend to have greater financial resources than those who did not remarry.
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Stepfamilies With Adult Stepchildren 205

Support Provided to Aging Stepfamily Members

Umberson (1992) found that divorced parents were more dissatisfied with
their relationships with their adult children and had higher levels of relation-
ship strain. They see their children less and receive less social support from
them. Research on European couples indicates that repartnering may further
hurt the biological parent–child relationship, which would translate into less
social support (De Jong Gierveld & Peeters, 2003). Dissatisfaction and rela-
tionship strain were associated with increased psychological distress among
the parents. As mentioned above, parents receive less social support from adult
stepchildren than from biological children; however, also they give less sup-
port themselves (White, 1994).
In sum, adult children of divorce feel less obligated to help aging parents
and stepparents, their parents perceive that they receive less support from their
children, and they do indeed receive less support. These patterns are consistent
with societal norms governing support to aging family members after divorce
and remarriage.

The Well-Being of Adult Stepchildren

The lower level of well-being experienced by children from stepfamilies,

compared with children from intact families, extends into adulthood
(Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 1999). A stable family of origin is helpful to
young people as they form and dissolve their own relationships, sometimes many
times over, and make the transition to marriage and parenthood. A consistent
finding on nest leaving is that stepchildren leave their parents’ household at sig-
nificantly younger ages than do biological children (Aquilino, 1991a; Kiernan,
1992). Several studies suggest that girls in American stepfamilies are more likely
to leave home early than boys (Aquilino, 1991a; Cooney & Mortimer, 1997).
A study of British stepfamilies found no gender differences, however (Kiernan,
1992). Reasons for early home leaving among young adults are family conflict,
greater household labor (for girls), and premarital pregnancy (for girls; Cooney
& Mortimer, 1997; Kiernan, 1992). Young adults from stepfamilies may move
sooner, but they are more likely to remain close by than young adults from intact
families (Garasky, 2002; Garasky, Haurin, & Haurin, 2001). This could be
related to their lower educational and occupational prospects.
Stepchildren are also less likely to reside with their parents as adults than
are biological children (Aquilino, 1990, 1991b). They marry earlier (Goldscheider
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206 BRAVE NEW STEPFAMILIES

& Goldscheider, 1993) and are less likely to leave home to attend college
(Aquilino, 1991a; Kiernan, 1992), perhaps because parents give less social and
financial support to stepchildren than to biological children (Pruett et al., 1993;
White, 1994). This, combined with poorer grades, mean that stepchildren face
dimmer prospects for a college education and launching a successful career,
buying a car or home, or starting a business, and may mean a greater likelihood
of falling into debt in young adulthood. Older children whose parents have
started a second family (with younger stepchildren and/or new biological
children) often feel cut off financially, and many receive no help for their college
educations. Some older children feel resentful and deprived when they perceive
their younger step- and half-siblings getting a bigger piece of the family pie
(Bernstein, 1989).
Cooney and Uhlenberg (1992) examined how parental support of adult
children unfolds over time, based on comparisons of adults of different ages
from the NSFH. They found that, in general, parental support (e.g., gifts,
advice, childcare, etc.) declines over time, as does adults’ perception of their
parents as a potential source of support. Children whose parents are not mar-
ried to one another are less likely to receive advice, gifts, services (e.g., trans-
portation), and childcare from them and are less likely to perceive them as a
potential source of support. Eggebeen’s (1992) similar analysis of intergener-
ational exchanges between divorced parents and their children using the NSFH
mirrors these findings. Because adult step- and half-siblings see each other
less often than do adult full siblings (White & Reidmann, 1992b), they proba-
bly provide less social support to one another as well.

SUMMARY

Stepfamilies, like the children in them, grow up. A large cohort of children of
divorce are themselves reaching adulthood, and adult children who grew up in
intact families will increasingly see their parents divorce and repartner. People
are living longer and are having fewer children, so relationships between adult
children and their parents will increase in prominence. Yet, relative to what is
known about stepfamilies with young children, there is very little information
about how growing up in a stepfamily affects adult development. We also
need more information about stepfamilies formed after children have reached
adulthood. Increases in education, delayed marriage, and later parenthood are
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Stepfamilies With Adult Stepchildren 207

extending adolescence and middle adulthood beyond the traditional ages. A

later and longer transition to parenthood has implications for family relation-
ships and stepfamily relationships (Holdsworth, 2005; N. R. White, 2002).
What research is available on stepfamilies with adult stepchildren sug-
gests the following. First, stepfamily members continue to be disadvantaged
as they age. Stepfamilies with adult stepchildren are associated with weaker
emotional bonds and provide less social and financial support to each other
than married, two-biological-parent families. Stepparents and stepchildren are
at greatest risk. Stepparents have significantly fewer resources on which to
draw as they age. Stepchildren make the transition to adulthood with fewer
resources, setting them up for a lifetime of lower achievement, economic
success, and personal fulfillment.
Although early life stepfamily experiences have enduring (and mostly
negative) effects, stepfamily relationships continue to evolve over time. Adult
children in stepfamilies should not be considered passive recipients of parental
involvement. However, almost nothing is known about how adult children and
stepchildren fashion relationships with older stepfamily members. Another
problem is that researchers tend to focus exclusively on two stages in the
lifecourse—nest leaving and the support of elderly parents—neglecting a rich
phase of middle adulthood (step)parent-child interaction after the children
leave the nest but before parents need eldercare.
For instance, adult stepchildren very much keep tabs on what Bernstein
(1989) refers to as the family ledger (p. 296). As was discussed in Chapter 3,
financial issues in stepfamilies are emotionally laden. Financial issues gain
prominence in later-life stepfamilies because more wealth has been accumu-
lated, wills are written, and decisions about inheritances need to be made. For
instance, stepchildren are not entitled to their stepparents’ estate unless they
are specifically included in the stepparent’s will (Fine & Fine, 1992). There
can be painful feelings when furniture and other items are distributed to the
children when older parents “downsize” and move into a smaller home.
Dividing assets “equally” among all the children in the family, or dividing
things according to need, might seem fair to older couples; however, this may
be perceived as unfair to each parent’s biological children. Aging parents may
give away items or hold yard sales without thinking about the potential effects
on their children, who may see their parents’ material objects as representing
pieces of them. Research on how stepchildren and stepparents interpret such
seemingly mundane events could be used to enhance their relationships.
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208 BRAVE NEW STEPFAMILIES

In conclusion, stepfamily research needs to be extended to the millions of

stepfamilies with adult stepchildren. We need a better understanding of how
stepparents interact with their adult stepchildren, paying careful attention to
whether the stepfamily was formed during the child’s childhood or adulthood.
With recent federal proposals to privatize social security and further reduce
welfare, this is a time of shrinking sources of support for both the elderly and
children. It is vital therefore to understand how families, including stepfami-
lies, will support themselves in the coming years.