we slam we? NINA TURTLES * FAMILY MATTERS * THE DOORS = ME MERRY? #265 SEPT.'91,J THE 'UeTIMATE’ ULTIMATE WARRIOR * a OMAN y i CAN DEPLOY "LEET OF TANKS AIRCRAFT CARRIER OR LIFT THEM UP , ' INTO PERSIAN GULE AND RANDOMLY Toss - per ae OR CAN DEPLOY SELE THEM AT ENEMY, > INTO PERSIAN GULF - S TO SCARE ENEMY. & | CaN EITHER PUNCH GS LIGHTS OUT oR | ORDER TOMAHAWK Com ee ent h fr TO SURRENDER \ AAW K BY BRILLIANT INTO GUYS CHIN. \ STRATEGY * \ oR BY CLAIING Wes THE Gay ern sanannon "TERMINATOR oF 300 MEN 70 se AM) so pusn-urs each ee OR DO ALL 15,000 PUSH-VPS BY HIMSELF. CAN PounD OR SADDAM HUSSEIN AND (MAKE Hint LOOK LIKE A Food| OR POUND SADDAM HUSSEIN AND MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE A PANCAKE. CAN. MAKE ENEMY ILL BY | BLOCKADING ALL THEIR 2 . sueruies om er Foren I Br QUESiOnS AT PRESS CONFERENE sale a OR REFUSE TO ANSWER [EB ANYONE . AND DARE TVEM 70 WATCH His ACTING IN “CONAN S| SOMEONE To MAKE HIM. THE BARBARIANThe complexities of living have forced “the bottom line” onto the next page. Sylvester P. Smythe BARRY ROSENBLOOM ’ director of publishing operations LOU SILVERSTONE JERRY DE FUCCIO editors CLIFF MOTT art director/associate editor SYLVESTER P. SMYTHE logger rhythms JOHN SEVERIN, DON MARTIN, WALTER BROGAN, VIC MARTIN, DON OREHEK, MIKE RICIGLIANO, RURIK TYLER, FRANK BORTH, GARY FIELDS, PETE FITZGERALD artists GEORGE GLADIR, DON MARTIN, LOU SILVERSTONE, RONNIE NATHAN, IMIKE RICIGLIANO, DON OREHEK, FRANK BORTH, ROGER BROWN, FRED SAHNER writers TOONAGE MUTANT NINJA TURDLES I 4 THE NEW AND SOMETIMES IMPROVED ROBIN HOOD SOY OF POOCH ‘SUMMER BUMMER IF YOU HAD THE FLASH’S POWEI OREHEK AT LARGE: BOWLING U.S. ARMS CATALOGU! ‘SLAMMING THE DOOR: DON MARTIN'S ONE GRAY DAY IN THE CITY . FAMILIAR PATTER . LETTERS TO CRACKED . ‘SPORTS FAN’S DREAM JOHN SEVERIN, cover art BROGAN/SILVERSTONE, back cover MIKE RICIGLIANO, inside covereen pizza-uzzling dudes are hack, more bodacious (nm igen \ sean) “St ~ 2 THE SECRETION OF THE OOZE WRITER: VICBIANCO ARTIST JOHN SEVERIN poarareners Biz SINES = TdMaster, we thought you were dead Isufered ite worse then deat. I vas buried tage dump. 1 want revenge! Do Master, you're back! ‘Oops, sorry, wrong ‘Shredder, Follow Advill O'Nill, she will lead usto them,Professor. why has TGI decided to «lean up this toxic waste site? We're doing this as a public service. There is no ‘evidence of toxie material present | Then how do you explain these seven foot dandelions? ‘COWABUNGA. dig this totaly awesome video arcade! Anybody bring quarters? fourteen were disp ‘My sons, Lhave been meditating, seeking answers to our ch are lef If it falls into the wrong hands, we could 'e facing a bigtime problem? Not for long, dude, | Yr throw mea Hey, where aid they go? While we were watching the replay, the Footsie Clan split with the canister,Man, the Footsie Clan has the canister; how are we ‘gonna get it back? Professor inthis cage Ihave two of the mos vicious a animals inthe world. want you 1 give them an i enendeseof Ooze so I wll ave Vieioos mutants bigger Be all that you can be, join the 4 and stronger than the turtles. Footsies. The Shredders J looking for afew good men, L (On the other hand, inthe name of science, let's go fori does noed some work, isa Alright, my pets, | Look, Joel, they're Bigdeal thisis | ] ye justtappento. | yeah, is handyman, sor, fersses what you | knocking over street fig] New York have this runningal | handyturtle special. twas canco Tia Tlowit, | ghtsand tearing up fg ees doce, | SRE | inal aoaied bree the pavement always doing vacancy. Ithas | fhoor Luthor clectricty and running water . mit Un, isnt his Wrestlemania? No, come to aw think oft, dat dude doesnt look ike TT whovstar Hulk Hogan.Get outof here and get the wonder why they letus out? WOW! Letus back in! “3K JUST ANOTHER IN THE GREAT SERIES OF CRACKEOS ORIGINAL SOUND EFFECTS! iM 8Yo, Advill, | Igota message from Shredder, he No, it's our way out Grab Ratty and the Prot ‘what's and ete spt Are you gonna it : 2 Es these creeps with Pi the cover? ‘wants to meet you tonight. ‘Awesome, we got another Shot at ‘But you don’t stand a chance! 2 | Gentlemen, T mean, ‘mutants, let's rumble. wasn't easy but Go, Turtles, go, go Turtles, go. Man, wai II get my hands on ‘we found him. ‘my agent; this is some “movie debut”. aLI guess that Actually, it was nothing but |) takes care ofthe FOOTSI Poopsi Cola. These creatures bburped themselves to death Wsthe Shredder! Y esremeng» IN ‘There's still some Ooze © Jef. Pu beter dispose Just because we're turtles doesn’t mean we don’t get lonesome for female ‘companionship, ‘We have four prety young female turtles and ‘we're giving them the ‘Ooze treatment, ‘There's got tobe more to life than pizza Funders my Rast, gto aise ‘have a maiden rat, We i Urey Ss ‘COWABUNGA, MASTER, COWABUNGA!!cunns tne wu) Ane ENO NEW TANES XY 0 € watt, TL Pee? Be _ tel Zoe 7125 GREER Mi ,NOW FEATURING CONES LVEN \F WOU THINK THE BOTTOM JOF THE NINTH IS THE BIG BEETHOVEN FINALE, THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU, [| __ YOUDON'T HAVE To LEAVE THE ROOM WHEN TALK TURNS TO |] SPORTS, THIS PRIMER PROVIDES || ALL THE SPORTS LITERACY WOU REALLY NEED TO GET BY, BASEBALL: THE PURIST'S GAME, EXCEPT FOR THE “TENNIS: IT'S THE SAME AS PING-PONG, BUT OU GET TO DANCING CHICKEN AND THE EXPLODING SCOREBOARD. ITS STAND ON THE TABLE. LIKE GOLF, THE FANS DONOTMAKE NOISE “TRADITION DATES BACK TO PREHISTORIC TIMES. THE OREVEN BREATHE HEAVILY. THIS ISTHE ONLY GAME WITH A GAME IS "STAT" HAPPY, ANY DAW NOW, LOU TOLULL HERO NAMED BORIS. WILL BECOME THE LEADING HITTER AGAINST PITCHERS TENNIS ALLOWS KIDS WHO WERE BRATS To GROW UP AND WITH RED-HEADED SISTERS WHO STUDIED APPLE CORING CONTINVE THEIR CALLING. IN PARIS. GO BEAD NW BOM, ‘SINCE THE ADVENT OF MILLION-DOLLAR SALARIES, BENE LSE ar (OST PARENTS HAVE ORDERED THEIR KIDS To STOP PRACTICING THE PIANO AND TO WORK ON THEIR SLIDING. (COMMON QUESTION: " 40U MEAN THE GUY DROOLING: TOBACCO JUICE IS MAKING 5 MILLION A YEAR?“ eur vouee wor pons pence wou RE BOS KoAKAR OFFOOTBALL: THE GAME HAS MORE TERMINOLOGY’ THAN ANIYONE CAN REMEMBER. THE BIG STUFF IS TOUCHDOWN, PUNT, PASS AND POINT SPREAD. THERE'S NOT MUCH DIFFERENCE BETWEEN COLLEGE AND PRO BALL EXCEPT THE PROS GET PAID A FEW DOLLARS: Less, “THE GAME WAS INVENTED SO FOLKS COULD VISIT ON SUNDAY ‘AR TERNOON AND NEVER HAVE To TALK TO EACH OTHER. AUTO RACING: WAGINE THE JOY OF SITTING IN ATINY CCAR AND DRIVING AROUND IN CIRCLES LIKE A MANIAC. “THEN PICTURE THE THRILL OF SITTING AROUND AND WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE DOT. IF YOU LIKE THAT, YOU'LL LOVE A GO0D LANDSLIDE. AT LEAST THE SCORING BASKETBAL! THAT'S ANWONE UNDER 6-FOOT-8, THE GAME IS VERY POPULAR WITH MOVIE STARS AND BANKERS, .. GO FIGURE. THE GAME'S ONLY STRATEGY IS TO JUMP HIGH.WRESTLING: SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THE SPORT IS FOR REAL. “THAT'S SCARIER THAN ANWTHING STEPHEN KING EVER WROTE, AT LEAST WRESTLERS HAVE GREAT NICKNAMES. WOULDN'T ‘OU LIKE: TO BE KNOWN AS GENE "THE MEON ACCOUNTING MACHINE’? j i xX HOCKEY: ICE SKATING IS ABOUT AS NATURAL AS WALKING ON YouR ELBOWS, THE PLAVERS’ NAMES ARE HARD To PRONOUNCE AND THE GAME WOULDN'T BE MUCH DIFFERENT IF THEY FORGOT THE PUCK. THERE ARE NO RULES WORTH KNOWING, GOLF: FIRST ASK YOURSELF, IS THIS A SPORTAT ALL? COMPARE IT TOSOCCER,.. OR POKER. ANYWAY, THE PROS ALL SEEM STUCK INA TE WARP, WEARING THEIR HAIR DOWN OVER THEIR EARS, MINATURE GOLF 1S MORE FLIN, ANDOU CAN TALK AS LOUD AS 4OU WANT. THE ‘OBJECT OF THE GAME 1S TO HAVE AS FEW STROKES AS POSSIBLE; SOUNDS ALOT LIKE LIFE.ew toa the President's dog Mille hes written her mameirs, we com expect more doggy doggerel to appear in print, soch ws this copy ofthe... vier oronce ciao Ava ad LL BITES DOGS IN ANKLES Seat ener tenenb niece payee POOCH PRESS nd = & TABBY TATTLER, 26. Cae DAZ VU a OLS Par et a aM MRE Prieta telco ARCHEOLOGICAL FIND Pm iad AG Tea Ete Pee RUE etka ORLA RN alsin ee ON aag GARFIELD'S LIVEN DEMANDS PET PALIMONY CLAIMS HER PLAYBOY TABBY BOYFRIEND IS NOT A TWO-TIMER sseHE'S A TEN-TIMERNaat Datei guste es ea THE POOCH PRESS REVEALS HOW PET OWNERS CAN TELL IF THEIR DOG IS ONE OF THE MANY OFFSPRING (OF HITLER'S FAMOUS GERMAN SHEPHERD, BLONDI... ‘+ WHEN OLD WORLD WAR II MOVIES SHOW UP ON TV HE ROOTS FOR THE WRONG SIDE ‘+ HEWAGS HIS TAIL VIGOROUSLY WHEN “DEUTSCHLAND UBER ALLES” OR “THE HORST WESSEL SONG"’IS PLAYED ‘+ HERAISES HIS RIGHT PAW ATTHE SIGHT OF A SWASTIKA ‘+ HETAKES SPECIAL DELIGHTIN CHEWING UP BOOKS WRITTEN BYNON-ARYANS ‘+ HE'LL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH MONGRELS (NON. PUREBREDS) UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY’REIN HEAT | CAGEY DOBERMAN SAVES HIS MASTER PAN at Tei a UC aa ty HE SHARES HIS BONES AND SHE GIVES HIM HER rE THE FEMME FATALE FELINE REVEALED THE REASON FOR FROM THE COST OFEACH tt ATTEACTIONTO HER BLOODHOUND BOTFEIEND ‘OUT OF ONE HUNDRED DELIVERIES 10 PETE'S HOUSE, ONLY ONE WAS FOR Ie WHEN ie EVEN REFUSED TO BARK ATTHE AND HE HAD TO COME DISGUISED AS A FEMALE DOBERMAN eg pee ae ae hay Pe tse aida DY UN hacer nat DIS eco MeL UNTRUE Pere ae tLe END v2 Pa EN g RON ga at INT a aco) LOCAL DOGCATCHERSCe) RT Neer ee ata eee RTA Ura LHS HEFTY WEIGHT PREVENTS CHESHIRE FROM RUNNING AWAY FROM ATTACKERS. TO FRIGHTEN OFF PURSUERS, HE1S FORCED. ‘TO RELY ON HIS POWERFULLY EXPLOSIVE BURPS. PBR ste Tt POOCH PRESS & TABBY TATTLER ENCOURAGES ITS CANINE AND FELINE READERS TO FOLLOW THESE HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS: + CHASE AWAY ALL BILL-COLLECTORS AND ALIMONY-DEMANDING EX-SPOUSES. + SHARE YOUR FAVORITE CHAIR OR COUCH ‘WITH YOUR MASTER OR MISTRESS. ‘+ ALLOW YOUR MASTER OR MISTRESS TO EAT IN PEACE, WITHOUT BEGGING, UNLESS, OF COURSE, HEOR SHEIS EATING ONE OF THE 101 TREATS YOU ESPECIALLY RELISH. + IFYOU ACCIDENTALLY SHRED A NEWSPAPER THAT YOU ARE FETCHING, DISCARD IT AND IMMEDIATELY GO GET YOUR NEIGHBOR'S ‘CLEAN COPY. @RIES DIRE MISFORTUNE AWAITS YOU. YOU ARE GOING ‘TO CHASE A SIXTEEN. WHEELER... AND YOU ARE GOING TO CATCHTT. TAURUS ‘THE ROAD TO ROMANCE WILL BE A ROCKY ONE. THE CUTE POODLE WHO'S CAPTURED YOUR DOGGY HEART HAS ALSO CAUGHT THE FANCY OF ‘A DOBERMAN AND TWO PITBULL TERRIERS. GEMINI BE PATIENT WITH YOUR MASTER'S STUPID. DOGGY JOKES LIKE THE ONE ABOUT SCIENTISTS PREFERRING LABORATORY RETRIEVERS. CANCER A SURPRISE WINDEALL IS AROUND THE CORNER. YOUR FORGETFUL MASTER WILL NEGLECT TO, ‘CLOSE THE FRIDGE DOOR LEO KEEP A LOW PROFILE IN THE DAYS AHEAD, ‘THERE'S A BLACK AND WHITE FURRY CREATURE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD THAT COULD STINK UP YOUR SOCIAL LIFE. HOROSCOPES ee tonrresencn(advertisement) ‘+ OUR STAFF OF GRACIOUS ATTENDANTS IS ALWAYS SPEND YOUR GOLDEN YEARS AT READY TO BURY YOUR BONES FOR YOU CASA DE RETIREMENT LIVING AT ITS BEST + MOBILE 4 HYDRANTS THAT 2 z SOMETO YOU NOWHERE ELSE WILL YOU FIND THESE Te _—— WELCOME FEATURES. ‘+ TORESTORE YOUR ZEST FOR LIFE, A SLOW-FOOTED (MAILMAN MAKES A WEEKLY APPEARANCE Seager Oy ee ase Vega Soe aa els) SED oon on Tee CUE ANNE Toe YOU CAN MAKE P.F.C. (POOCH FIRST CLASS) Beata aco agT AV RCT STILL YOUNG ENOUGH TO BURY THE BONES YOU! FAT ARMY PENSION WILL PROVIDE FOR YOU FREE TUITION ty! lim aged Sista TS Co ROTC IE * AK-9 CORPSMAN NEVER lta Nese felol More Meee) BITES OFF MORE THAN HE iiiesiaies { ‘CAN CHEW!ONE SUNNY DAY ON THE GREAT AMERICAN DESERT v fr GIMMEE A T! GIMMEE AN E ! GIMMEE AN FR!!!NCIN wWOWES » 4#°"UxXURIOUS, BOMB SHELTER DS IT? WE “TOOK EVERYTHING THAT WASN'T B DOWN AND WE BURNED THE REST. LD MAID, GO FISH GIN RUMMYHow CouLp THERE BE? IM ALWAYS: SURROUNDED By 15,000 BODY GUARDS 1M SOMEWHERE 1A San: SOMES" so 7 !RAQI TANKS ARE THE BEST)/N THE WORLD: MY ELITE REPUBLICAN BRA VE St SOLDIERS VE. IN HISTORY. a 1 WHEN (1 COMES TO AGHT NG WHEN ARMED ENNILIAKO So Ro BD.(to the tune of FRERE JACQUES) STORMIN’(hears to you. ‘Storshin’ Norman, Stormin’ Worman Inthe sand, Inthe sand ‘Round by round ‘On the ground, Stormin’ Norman, Stormin’ Worman 1a the aust, Ia the aust ‘You ienew how to fight it ‘Made Hussela’'s men bite It ‘One, two, sree Viciory. Stormin’ Norman, Stormin’ Horman Tn the heat, In the neat You turned the Rite Guard Ito an effete Guard Ob, so saa Yor Bagdad, ‘Stormin’ Norman, Stormin’ Norman ‘In the Quit, in the Gul ‘when you freed Kuwait you ‘Got Hussein to hate you ‘We congratulate youre AND St : Ve ae = BURD 24 es Lig»..POPCo#. y} a (MR, COMMISSIONER.. Tus 15 IEIEIESUNL OU MR. ROSE. REMEMBER .. THE ONLY WAY Yoo, EVER GET_BRCK INTO BASEBALL 16 10 BEAVE YOURSELF FROM NOW ON... —Yy = JUAT BALL IS GOING... GOING... GONE | fF FAT CHANCE, | MITT-FACE *| WHATS THE LINE ON THE, DOROERS- Mets GAME ‘4 aioe as: eee de hat Bay on we Sa ‘ } h Pee Lee see twat Ee e Ragas aa es AGhIN ON SLO-MO fir INSTANT REPLAY...Sone ee sbi Stoo ‘stock BROKERS ee os nae pes Seles ee . me “apa @ GeO ogre wea bs sas ve: = 7 Se, fee Melon BE setts gn EOL ts a a ae eet we wae nha 7 sien os on Teoh tee eee GaN wean | [ AECEARING Bp X=WHaT IS A & SUMME: gx! VACATION ? ATION (WHEN THERE 1 WORE SAND IM YOUR SANDWICH THAN YOU HAVE IN YOUR SHOES! WHEN THE VACATION SPOT “THAT SOUNDED SO GOOD TURNS OUT TO BE THREE RUNGS BELOW THE BATES MOTEL! WHEN YOUR FATHER STAYS HOME FOR THREE SOLID WEEKS TRYING To BE YOUR PAL ... HEY, DUDE! PAMHATLL WE 00 WHAT ARE You DOING, DEAR?BECAUSE ALL THE GUYS ARE “a AWAY AT CAMP, ua THe House wir" NOTHING To Do-- | s=-WHEN YOU FIND THAT THE REASON “He MOTEL RENT 1S $0 LOW 1S de ie Setucoom & ertHEY, wouon' Tit Be NEAT To BE ABLE TO DOSTUFF LIKE THE FLASH’? ON SECOND THOUGHT, IT COULD CREATE A LOT OF PROBLEMS, WF Se AD Tae FLash's Pole SUPERSONICALLY SATIRIZED BY: ROGER BROWN: LETHARGICALLY LAMPOONED BY: PEBE EsTZGERALD @ "THAT DIDNT TAKE LONG, Now I HAVE AFEW (OTHER THINGS I'D LIKE Vou 70 TAKE CARE OF. THE GARAGE NEEDS CLEANING, THE CARS ARE DIRTW, WASH THE DOG, FIX THE ROOF, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH !!!#! 159%, SAR Mon NOW THIS TEST WILL TAKE ABOUT 3 HOURS, SO BE ‘CAREFUL AND THINK ABOUT YOUR ANSWERS, HE HAS TO BE CHEATING. HE FINSHED THE TEST BEFORE | [WALKED BACK To MY DESK. RH THT LT pe HEL pA\| He Ri Si a a| HEAR THERE'S GOING, TO BEA ATTHE M ALeY TONIGHT? | F my oe a Ny YOUMEAN THEY DIDN'T fae RAVE AUTOMATIC PIN Fi ‘SETTERS °1 DIDN'T JWR KNOW YOR WERE "gi RENTING BOWLING ps (eee) Wy MOM WANTS ME TO GO] ‘ G = EV BOWLING AT LEASTONCES § 43] z| FANE cca ai Say ST . ie f EK, SHE SA’ your Own! (i , de Awe Se EXERCISE!Ever hear how the Japanese bought all our scrap metal before Pearl Harbor and then “returned” itto us? Once ag History defeats itself! Sh! NUTS Bae oe Se ; THE NEW ING TAN : iNet ee =A = pps os IME a : PAYMENTS €_ F You thought the [ies Ty rae RiENDS | PATRIOT MISSLE || EAST | was hot stuff! . beHere's how it opens, for heaven's sake: ‘Morrison's cuoting trom Witam Btake. Jim. too, isa poet or 50 he thinks, He's also a drinker of endless ins... A trvver on acid, smoker of pot, bundte of Js. folks, this boy Is not, Settdestructs any way he can doit, Wanna ay seven bucks fo sit trough it? 24m sees himselt asa tribal Shaman, {medicine Man fo you dear layman), Invites bis frends tothe desert one night. Where he conducts heap big Indian rite, ‘Chants incantations, raspinaly throaty (Probably due fo too much Pevote.) Party's abit less than outDoor sports, Guests are scared witless as host extorts: “Hiss the snake, Kiss the snake ‘Gon't have any fear ‘See that snake, seven feet ong iiss NOW, I's BERE.” Reptiles don't make it, Shaman's a for {He and three vals agree to ty pop. composed by Rob Krieger, ‘Turns the group into a Bis Leaguer. THE 000RS are sol. they oven and eee, ‘Tourn the cts and elina oot shows. Jim sings is oun bcs. J Tans find them der: tn mameitendebin, Ty Meng Jim ha a rl be esto imeess. % Feline Story of hs excess. Tels her how he eniovs eves Fan, ‘Ties every that broadens the brain, Talis her he needs to know every thrill. Burns uith desire o savor a kill Tels her he vearns to feel every high, (Most of alt what i feels lke f ce, a— AN LLY “My x Llp drove women mad, at riches were all be had. ‘Mean and pretentious, sullen and snotty, Pin-up pet ot the poe itera, Is that what made Mr. Stone decide “This decadent stud shouldbe slrifed? ‘Suitchin from diraes, Jim turns on with hate, he urges, “Wipe out the scourdes™ he urges, "don't watt.” Parents, above al, must be at rid of. es the kid of. Firsty ‘he ones that | |No sooner said than be acts it out, ‘il that’s forbidden im wants to fou, Ptaving the Oedivus scene he ls Pa. Followed by busting taboos with his Ma. He grows a beard and thinks heis Jesus Ready fo de for our sins, be wheeze. Loaded with evor onstade he's tripeine, ‘Out of controt our hero's unzrine. ‘The band’s uneasy, the fans srow queasy. Their Savior’ behaviors hind of sleazy. Jim's on the skids, the goine gets rousher, (Morrison's Barely BEGUN to suffer ‘More of the rock-dod doomed to despa ‘where is the ent? We need some ai... It's been two hours and almost a half, Four heavy DOORS without even one laugh, “We'd always thought ‘that the sities were fun, sw were ul with their woes by the fon, Somers rat aa = meant: an) gringo Stone. “iat Eteraioment.” Tres by the way, an ioc PS. “i's muchfated parents ‘legn ue from this mess.noes ONE GREY DAY IN THE CITY APROUNT WEL,‘sme tired, old _ FAMILIAR PATTER _ pt a = Sunes: tou suvenstone eo‘Uhm, that could bbe problem butWw A 7s John a hy i ZR "3 AEM HQAR Si ge” Ax s ie) Gq r ARE mee? 3” Dfgoe? MAT Ek iGo te Se. SEND YOUR COMMENTS, SUGGESTIONS, AND REQUESTS TO CRACKED LETTERS, 441 LEXINGTON AYE., N.Y., N.Y., 10017 AND WE'LL PROMPTLY IGNORE THEM. LIKE AT FIRST SIGHT,...? recently bought the Cracked Collectors” Ecology Edition, my very first sampling of any Cracked material. The thing that caught my eye was “The Very Rich And The Very Poor”, a hilarious study in con- trasts. T t00k it to school, while still laughing, and a few of my friends couldn't stop laughing, either. 1 think your magazine is a winner and I'm will- ing to stick with it! Pam Robinson Haughton, La. ASUPER IDEA! [think you are the best magazine on the stands. I like it when you tease super- heroes such as Superman, And the Sub- Mariner. Why not do a whole issue of pure superhero madness? Brent Kelley Ladysmith, Wi Editors: Proof that great minds think in the same Cracked channels! We've been working on our Super Cracked Special, which should be on sale Au- ‘gust th. It will contain an eight page comic book section, produced by our Rurik Tyler, master of pen’n’ink may- hem and non-stop fight scenes. VERIN TIES You know, I'm such an admirer of Mr John Severin’s work, I always look to see if he has more than just one article in an issue. This time he did Kindergarten Pap and Some Things Never Change, which are fist class! Can you tell me afew facts about Mr. Severin because I don't know where to read about him, Thank you, sirs Preston Novak 48 York, Pa Editors: John Severin’s accomplish in comic continuity alone are en- cyclopedic, A to SEV! Hopefully, we'll be able to do an extensive profile on hhim in these pages, soon. The entire Severin family has been artistically sifted. His father, John, was a recog- nized artist in advertising, specializing in creative package design. His sister, Marie, has distinguished herself draw- ing first-string characters such as Conan, Hulk, Sub-Mariner, Dr Strange, and Muppet Babies, garner- ing many awards. Incontestably, she is the finest colorist around! John Severin attended the High School of Music & Art, with future working mates Har- yey Kurtzman and Bill Elder. John contributed immeasurably to the ori- gin and spirit of theupstart MAD Com- ics, which grew up to be MAD Magazine. By his own choice, Severin ‘came to Cracked in 1958! For an ap- preciation of John Severin as other than a humorous illustrator, check your library for the book Lewis & Clark, published by Random House. Severin’s dynamic drawings will take ‘you on the perilous expedition of the Northwest, 1804-1806, with Lewis and Clark! JOYS IN THE ATTIC 1 just moved into a new house in a differ- ‘ent neighborhood and I was avful lonely and bored. One day. I decided to explore the attic of my new home. Over in one corner I spied a stack of about twenty Cracked magazines. That really made my day! Inthe stack was issue # of Cracked, plus an assortment of other issues of Cracked. T was ecstatic! Now [ have a collection of over one hundred issues. 1 was so excited. I bought copies of issue #263 for all my friends; both of them. Jay Buckheart Gainesville, Texas QUITE AN INVESTMENT! I must say that my allowance goes to Cracked, first thing, Ihave just picked up issue #263 and Kindergarten Pap is out- standing! It's great the way you guys can make a comedy movie so much funnier than the original one. The Clodfather and (Cracked Mini-Movie Multiplex were just as good. The Nanny Dickering inter- views are lots of fun and I read the one about the “Turdles” seven times. And cheers for the Don Martin cartoons and Anygizer Bunny! Matt Hensley Belton, Mo. AND TYLER, TOO! Couldn't ask more than issue #263! As usual, Severin and Bianco were at their best with Kindergarten Pap. Good joke about that weasel Saddam, too! [also en Jeyed One Fine Day In The Andes and (One Fine Day In The Park. Don Martinis probably my favorite artist. But, that Rurik Tyler will be running neck to neck soon, I've gone back to look at his Draw- backs OF Being The Famous Ninja Tur- tles, dozens of times. Is he a hypnotist, that Tyler? Jake Kittrell Charleston, $.C. SYLVESTER AS LEONARDO? Are you doing Teenage Mutant Turtles IT as a parody? I hope it’s by Severin, he's cool! I enclosed a picture of Sylvester as Leonardo. Anyway, keep making fun of NKOTB, Michael Ahrens Oxnard, CalON COMMUNITY SERVICE In the past, my friends and T have pur- chased a number of your magazines and we are totally appalled by the slander re marks and mud-slinging used against New Kids On The Block. In your July °91 issue of Cracked, your editors stated that celebrities love being drawn and kid- ded, While I agree that some comments about them ean be accepted as “cute” and “playful teasing”. others that I have read are downright rude, nasty, and totally in- acceptable! I'm a very big follower and fan of NKOTB and {'m not just going to sithere and shell out money so you can go con knocking them lor mo apparent reason! My friends and I are boycotting Cracked and MAD until the lowdown insults leave your magazines, The New Kids send out strong and meaningful messages that teenagers like me can relate to, under- stand, and accept, And it usvally hurts me, and I’m sure Donnie, Danny, Joe, Jon, Jordan as well. when you put down people that [really look up to and listen to everything they have to say. And, as a word of advice, [think you would make a Jot more money if you for once said some thing positive about them. And, in clos- ing. I have one thing left to say: If you ‘were a young entertainer trying to set an example and give positive messages 10 the youth or future America, would you want 0 be knocked down by a magazine taking cheap shots at you? I ask you to please STOP taking pot shois at people who are trying to prepare us for when it’s ‘our turn 10 ren this wordd. Denise Caporale Dobbs Ferry, N.Y. WHEN YOUR TEACHER ASKS... "WHAT DID YOU DO ON YOUR SUMMER VACATION?", TELL HER YOU READ THESE THREE CRACKED SPECIALS! WE PROMISE YOU, SHE'LL NEVER ASK YOU THAT STUPID QUESTION UNDERGROUND APPROVAL There simply isn’t enough praise or men- tion for the John Severin covers. Don't stie me, but I have 2 considerable run of them, matted and framed, over my home bar...er, soda fountain, ,.area. That lit- tle guy carrying out his Floto Rooter chores on the #263 cover, who else but Severin could transmit that benign, duty- calls expression! Kim Murtagh Mission Viejo, Ca. AGAIN! NOW ON SALE AT YOUR FAVORITE NEWSSTAND OR SHOPPING MALL, OR ONE AND THE SAME, WHAT THE HECK, YOU'RE ON VACATION, $O LOOK AROUND FOR ALL THREE SPECIALS. 49SPORTS FAN’S DREAM WRITER: RICK KRIEGEL ARTIST JONN SEVERIN rou 10a fortwelve million dollars 'm proud to announce that making Rocky has signet whim the highest paid player in the rm really thrilled with my contract! Now I can concentrate on playing and giving the fans andthe cwners the pennancthey deserve, Hey, did you see, Doe got five million!Mail to: CRACKED § 113 Years (27 issues) for $33.75 (MO133) NAME — (12 Years (18 issues) for $26.75 (MO132) ADDRESS: = 1 Near ( issues for $14.40 (o131) cry — + Check here if renewal sure mp. AG, ‘Outside USA (including Canada): $18.90 for 1 year, $35.75 for 2 years, $46.75 for 3 years, payable in U.S. Funds by International Money Order or Check drawn on U.S. Bank. Please Allow 8-10 weeks for processing.