Relationship advice

The "good enough" relationship

Is one that requires trust and commitment as a baseline for happiness in your relationship
[...], One in wich you get treated with respect and love and affection, and those are the
essential ingredients
- Trust and commitment
"Building trust really involves your partner really having your best interest at heart, not
just their own[...]Commitment means really cherishing what they have in you rather than
resenting what's missing"
- Don't have expectations that are too high or too low
If you lower your expectations, usually done to avoid disappointment, you are likely to
settle for being treated poorly.
A good enough relationship is not a relationship where people are psychologically and
physically abused.
- It's important to be realistic
All couples have ongoing conflict, what's important is how they manage it.

(From "why marriage therapist says good enough relationship one lasts lifetime",
NBCnews.com)

Tips on how to fight fair

1. Maintain control, learn to recognize when you are about to lose it. This is a flooded
state, where you're moving into a fight or flight mode. Your blood begins to leave the part of
your brain that regulates emotional control and you become flooded with distress. (I.e. your
heart begins to pund, your palms get sweaty, your temperature rises)
->Be aware of this state to be able to cool off, asking for a time out with a signal to take
a break. It should be:
an abstract term that actually catches you and it makes you start to think. It can be a
particular word, i.e. "Humphy's yogurt" was used for a couple which recall the name of the ice
cream shop where they first met.
2. Never interrupt, as otherwise you'd be trying to dominate and control your partner
but you should listen to understand and allow them to say what they need.
->To prevent interrupting, choose an object and make it a rule that the person holding
it can speak, i.e. A couple use a toy microphone as a very tactile symbol to take turns to talk.
3. Focus on now and avoid bringing up the past, because if you don't you derail the
attention of present issue with a past hurt (if continously brought up, there's an underlying
problem offorgiveness ), and that won't work.
-> So you must focus on the now, deal with one issue at a time.
4. Do not criticize, bc instead on focusing on the actual issue at hand it turns personal
and destructive.
Apologize, is crucial to take responsibility when you've hurt your partner to restore connection
and trust. This way there won't be enemies to fight. "We need a proper apology that
acknowledges the hurt, the pain, that accepts responsibility, being held accountable, problem
solved, and asks for forgiveness"
(From "want better marriage? Learn how to fight fair 5 easy steps", NBCnews.com)