Truth and Spirit Ministries

Break Free From Spiritual Abuse Part I

By Denise Bostic

It has been said that there is no teacher like experience. Having gone through bad
Church experiences personally has taught me many valuable lessons both as a believer
and minister of Christ. God used these experiences to open up my understanding of the
power of the Cross-in my life and his amazing grace which in turn paved the way for me
to be healed and walk in the freedom of Christ. Having suffered spiritual abuse has
taught me to be careful not to abuse others in this manner as well. Just as God has given
us grace and liberty to live in his Spirit, I have learned that it is as equally important that
we give others that same grace and freedom to be themselves and encourage them to
be all that God has called them to be. As members of the Body of Christ, we should all be
seeking to build each other up instead of tearing each other down. In this way, we can
help the cause of Christ rather than hinder it.

When we initially started this website God impressed it strongly upon my spirit to use a
particular scripture as a sort of motto for our ministry. That scripture is:

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let
yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Galatians 5:1 NIV)

“Do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” This teaches us
that we each have a personal responsibility not to allow others to bring us back into any
bondage now that Christ has set us free by his power. It is for this reason that this
month’s teaching is called, “Break Free from Spiritual Abuse.” If you have already
received the Lord Jesus Christ, the truth is he has already set you free from not only sin
but the law and death as well. (Romans 6:7, 7:1-6, Romans 8:1-2) The Lord has said,
“Whom the Son sets free is free indeed” but he also expects us to maintain that freedom
by not allowing anyone (devil, man or substance) to bring us into any type of bondage
that would harm us spirit, soul or body. We can break free from all forms of spiritual
abuse because we have been given an alternative lifestyle to live by God and that is in
the freedom of the Spirit. (Romans 7:6, II Corinthians 3:17) God has already given us
permission in his Word to stand firm and to reject any yoke of slavery that might be put
upon us by anyone else. The only yoke that we have been called to wear is the yoke of
Christ. (Matthew 11:29-30)

This scripture has a very special meaning to me and my husband not only because of
what the Lord has delivered us from but also because of what he has delivered us to. As
you read this month’s teaching, you will see why. I have heard others say that “your
misery becomes your ministry”. I admit that there may be some truth in that. Often, the
Lord later calls us to minister in the same areas that we have personally suffered pain
and sorrow in and that he has so powerfully delivered us from. Isn’t it just like the Lord to
glorify his name by not only giving us the victory but also to use us to encourage others that
they can also have the same victory? All praise and glory goes to God for doing what only
he can do in all of our lives.

The subject of spiritual abuse is one that my family knows full well the pain of. Our
testimony is one of being supernaturally delivered by Christ and Christ alone from the many
abuses imposed through a system of legalism and man-made rules. Of course, we didn’t
understand that we were victims back then, but in due time, the Lord placed his mighty
hand on our lives, opened our eyes and set us free to begin a lengthy healing and
restoration process. We are first hand witnesses of not only the damage that spiritual abuse
can do in the lives of others but also of the hope, deliverance and freedom that God so
graciously and lovingly extends to those that are in the grip of its terrible bondage.

What is Spiritual Abuse?

When we think of abuse we usually think of it occurring in the natural lives of people such
as physical or sexual abuse but did you know that abuse can also occur in the spiritual lives
of people? The definition of abuse is when a person of power uses that power to harm or
injure someone. Spiritual abuse then is when those that are in a position of spiritual power
or authority hurt or wound the soul of others. Unlike the bruises and wounds of physical
abuse, spiritual abuse often goes undetected and unseen because its wounds or scars are
hidden within the inner recesses of the soul.

The purpose in this months teaching is two fold. First, it is to help believers know how to
identify the signs of spiritual abuse and break free from it. Secondly it is to help Church
leaders and members learn not to be potential abusers or to repent of past abuses that
may have occurred. The cold, hard facts are that since Church leaders have been given
authority to lead God's people and power to rule in the Church, they are at greater risk to
spiritually abuse the people of God. Believers that are not part of leadership normally do
not have the influence or scope of authority to abuse the saints in this way although all
believers must take special heed not to spiritually abuse others as well.

It is to the ministerial leaders or elders of the Church that the Lord has given the
responsibility to shepherd and oversee his flock. All in this position will also have to give an
account before the Lord one day as well for how they carried out what was entrusted to
their care by the Master. (I Peter 5:1-4) With all of that said, I would like to impart a
message of encouragement and hope to all believers, whether leaders or otherwise. Not
only does God offer his great love, grace, forgiveness and liberty of the Spirit to each of us
personally but we can also learn how to give these same gifts to one another as well
because God has given us the capacity to do so by the indwelling of the Spirit.

It is only when we as an entire Church receive and practice these divine attributes that we
can truly be all that the Lord Jesus Christ has called us to be as his Bride. If we really
practiced the golden rule by “in everything, doing to others what we would have them do
to us” then we would eradicate the disease of spiritual abuse among us. Since godly love is
the sum of all the law and the prophets, this means that love is the main weapon to fight
against this disease. When we truly love others with godly love, we will not harm them.
(Matthew 7:12)
Spiritual abuse occurs when a leader that is in spiritual authority abuses that authority by
using control, manipulation, intimidation or exploitation on one or more members of the
Church and in the process causes spiritual wounds or harm. Most often, I will be
addressing a Church setting but all believers should be careful that they do not spiritually
abuse those in their households as well.

For example: God has given ordained positions of spiritual authority within the home too.
Wives are to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord. Husbands, wives and all believers
are to be mutually submissive and both fathers and mothers are primarily responsible for
the spiritual teaching and overall rearing of their children. It’s important that all believers
should take note of the danger signs so that they do not become either spiritual abusers or
victims. (Ephesians 5:21-33, 6:1-4)

Before getting into this teaching I would like to say that although there is a lot of spiritual
abuse prevalent within the Church today, I don’t believe that most abusers are intentionally
out to hurt or wound believers. Just like in the natural, some that were physically abused as
children sometimes perpetuate the cycle with their own children. Those that have been
abused are in the most danger of becoming abusers themselves. I truly believe that the
spiritual abusers in the Church today have become victims of their own spiritual upbringings
by being taught faulty concepts and patterning their lives after other poor leadership
examples. Those that fall into this category need prayer that God will open their eyes to see
their true condition and be set free by his power. Since God’s people (the Church) can be
destroyed for lack of knowledge (ignorance) then it is only through the knowledge and
application of God’s truth that we can really be built up together as a holy habitation where
the Lord can freely work with us and accomplish his divine will.

Sometimes an individual may have serious character flaws that cause them to abuse other
believers. If not corrected, these flaws can lead to much pain and grief not only for other
believers but to the Holy Spirit as well. I have witnessed the devastating effects of such
abuse even to the point of the downfall of entire Churches and particularly when the saints
in that congregation have been taught to look to the leadership for everything. It is a grave
error for leaders to teach their congregations to look to themselves rather than to the Lord.
To do so is one of the greatest forms of abuse because it cripples the Church spiritually.

Please understand, when speaking of breaking free from those that spiritually abuse, I am
not talking about a leader or believer that makes an occasional mistake, seeks the
forgiveness of others and strives to grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord. Let’s
face it, we have all made mistakes and hurt others in our lives to one degree or another.
God does impart his grace and forgiveness to us when we sin and we should forgive one
another. No, what I am speaking of are those that abuse on a regular basis and cause
serious injury that is damaging to the faith and personal relationships that the saints have
with God. I am talking about those spiritual abusers that will not humble themselves before
the Lord, repent or yield themselves under his mighty hand. It is in the latter situation that
one should be encouraged to break ties with in order to be able to live a healthy spiritual life
and be truly free in Christ.
Recognizing the Signs of Spiritual Abuse

Throughout this teaching I will be giving signs of spiritual abuse. You will be able to see
these signs very clearly because they will be in bold type. We will learn how Jesus spoke
against the spiritual abuses that occurred during the time of his earthly ministry and how his
teachings help us to not only identify but also gives us permission to break free from its
control today. Along the way I will be sharing real, personal stories about the spiritual abuse
that my family and I suffered and how God miraculously set us free and healed us by his
power. I will also be sharing how God used these painful experiences to not only teach us
how to clearly recognize signs of spiritual abuse but also how to take a firm stand when
others sought to rob us of the precious freedom that Christ had given us. The overall goal
of this teaching is to empower believers to be able to do the same and to also encourage
you to break free should you realize that you are in its painful grip.

Our Story

The Church that my husband and I grew up in had much false teaching. The leader ruled
over the lives of its members as a dictator or tyrant would. What he said was law. Anyone
that did not agree with him was in danger of being excommunicated. Many of his teachings
came from the Law of Moses. He demanded unquestioned obedience and acted as a
mediator between us and God (in other words he told us what God wanted us to know). He
had put together a hodge-podge of false teachings that he “borrowed” from Judaism, the
Seventh Day Adventists and Jehovah Witnesses. Most doctrine was taken out of context
and did not line up with the truth of the Gospel of Christ. (Galatians 2:14)

Often people were told who they could and couldn’t marry and at one point, those that had
divorced their mates and remarried someone else were told that they had to divorce their
current mate and return to the former one. The leader changed his mind frequently about
whether it was wrong or not to do certain things such as women wearing make-up and the
celebrating of birthdays. Some years these were permissible and other years they were
not. (All of this sounds completely crazy huh?) The Church also did not have an open door
policy or that is, it was not open to the general public. If an individual wanted to attend they
had to “counsel” with a Church official before being admitted.

Unfortunately we did not know any better at the time because it was all we had ever been
taught from our childhood on up- we had been indoctrinated with these teachings through
the Church. God, in his mercy and grace however led us out many years ago. God began
dealing with my husband’s heart about leaving for quite a while before he actually told me.
He said he really couldn’t explain it but he felt an overwhelmingly strong sense to leave the
Church. At times the feeling was so strong that he said that he wanted to literally jump up
and run out of the building during services.

Eventually he shared all of this with me but I didn’t really understand it either. He had made
the decision to leave, much to my shock and I was very upset at the time. However, I went
to Church the following weekend and something very strange happened. As I was sitting
there I asked myself this question, “What am I doing here?” Then the thought occurred to
me, “I don’t belong here!” I couldn’t explain it but somehow deep in my heart I knew that I
indeed no longer belonged there. Looking back, I believe that the Lord was showing me
this.

Before we completely severed ties with the Church, we met with the Minister (we did not
call him “Pastor”) to ask questions in the hopes that we might get some answers to what
was happening to us. We discussed with him of our desire to leave and by the end of the
meeting voiced our dissatisfaction at the lack of answers that he was providing. His answer
to all of our questions? Just come back to Church. But how could we tell him that the
Church was the problem? Deep down, we knew that was not the solution to our problems.
Immediately after that, we quit attending. Shortly after we left we received a letter from the
Church saying that we had been “disfellowshipped” (which was their way of
excommunication). Making the decision to leave at the time was very painful and we
struggled with condemnation and confusion for a period of time. In time the pain subsided
and the Lord began revealing himself to us in a very personal and powerful way.

He showed us that we were no longer under law and lovingly revealed to us his amazing
grace. (Romans 6:14) He showed us that we were no longer under any condemnation
because we were in Christ. (Romans 8:1) He showed us that we no longer had to live in
bondage to religion or man but that he had set us free to live in his Spirit. (Romans 7:6, 8:2)
He showed us that there is only one mediator between God and man and he is that
Mediator. (I Timothy 2:5, Hebrews 8:6, 9:15, 12:24) We found that it was only when we
stopped looking to a man and started looking to Christ alone that we had begun to
personally receive divine revelation knowledge and a true understanding of his Word. It
was only when we turned to Christ that we learned of the life that we were truly called to
live.

When one receives a deep injury or wound in the body, it naturally causes great and
intense pain that can take a long time to heal. This is also true of spiritual wounds that are
inflicted through spiritual abuse. These too can cause us a tremendous amount of pain in
the soul and God will often take us through a lengthy healing process to make us whole.
The Lord Jesus Christ not only took stripes for our physical healing but our inner healing
(grief’s and sorrows) of the soul as well. (Isaiah 53:4)

Most often the greatest problem of those that suffer spiritual abuse is that they are ignorant
of the signs or are blind to the spiritual condition that they are in. In our particular case, we
could not see the fullness of the revelation of Christ and the Cross-because we were
blinded by the veil of the law or legalism. God promises in his word however, “But when
anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away.” (II Corinthians 3:16) The Lord did remove
the veil of the law from us to remove the blindness and to help us to see the light. The
experience was very dramatic and powerful. I liken it to being in a room of complete
darkness and someone coming in and flipping a switch to turn on the light. Jesus is that
light and thank God that although we were blind, we can now see.

People that have allowed others to control or manipulate them for a long period of time in a
spiritual environment usually have been taught unquestioned obedience. This is a
dangerous place to be though. Jesus taught that one should not blindly follow religious
leaders for to do so will cause them to wind up in a ditch (spiritually speaking). (Matthew
15:13) Rather, all believers are taught in the word to do this:

“Dear friends, do not believe every spirit but to test (try) the spirits to see whether
they are from God.” (I John 4:1)

Pastors and other Church leaders that demand unquestioned obedience from their
congregation should never be followed or submitted to period. This type of leadership
borders on cultism. The Lord never intended for his people to have a dependence on man
alone for knowledge of the truth. (I John 2:27) All believers are admonished in the Bible to
prove the validity of what they are being taught and whether it is of God or not. (Acts 17:11,
II Timothy 2:15, I John 4:1) God gives all of us free will to choose what we think and
believe. We should also give this same freedom to others. Church leaders do not have the
authority or power to have dominion over the faith of believers but instead are to be helpers
of their faith by teaching them truth as given in the Word of God. (II Corinthians 1:24)

Of course that is not to say that there is no place for anointed Bible teaching, preaching or
proper Church discipline and godly correction. As I said earlier, Church leaders that have
been ordained of the Lord have been given the responsibility of shepherding and oversight
of the flocks assigned to them. If an individual in the Church is living in unrepentant sin,
that individual must be dealt with in the proper manner according to the guidelines given in
the Word of God. (Matthew 18:15-17) The balanced attitude and rule of thumb that
believers should take to submission is to submit and follow their leaders as they follow
Christ. (I Corinthians 11:1)

Those that teach unquestioned obedience usually do so because they have a problem with
pride and have an over inflated opinion of their self (ego). They obviously have not made
room for the fact that they are human and are subject to being fallible. Only God is infallible
and any man (or woman) of God should have the humility to accept this. Pastors that teach
believers unquestioned obedience most often rule the Church as a dictator. A dictator is
one that rules in unlimited power. They do not make themselves accountable to anyone.

The Lord Jesus never ordained or sanctioned a one-man leadership or a hierarchical

leader structure within the Church. To the contrary he gave a plurality of ministry gifts to
serve side by side and to also serve as a “checks and balance” system within the Church
so believers could be protected from the many spiritual abuses that are so prevalent within
the one man leadership. The ministry should always make themselves accountable to
others and first and foremost to God. (Ephesians 4:11-12, III John 9-10) Only God has
unlimited power and only he can exercise it perfectly. No mere man should ever be allowed
to have that kind of control in our lives.

It’s important that we do not allow someone to usurp the authority or place that only Christ
and his Spirit should take in our lives. When one goes beyond the boundaries or limits of
their authority into the lives of believers, they most often will cross over into an area of
misuse and abuse of others. Beware of those that teach you that you must depend on them
for those things that can only be dispensed by God.
 Our family knew a Pastor of a Church that believed that all the men in the congregation
received their anointing through him. He also taught that the men’s wives received their
anointing from their husbands. Although he taught this to the Church it could not be
validated through the Word of God. The Bible teaches that Ministers of the Gospel receive
their anointing directly from the Lord as do all believers through the indwelling of the Spirit.
The operation of the anointing that we have received is not dependent upon a particular
man because it is of God. (II Corinthians 1:21 and I John 2:27)

This story above is an example where someone has wrongfully exercised control and tried
to act as a mediator between believers and God. This man was wrong on two counts
according to the Word of God. (I John 2:27, I Timothy 2:5) The anointing that believers
have is not dispensed through a man but instead comes directly from God through the
indwelling of the Spirit. God, in his wisdom, did this on purpose. He did not want the
operating of his anointing within our lives to be dependent on fallible man but upon the
infallible Holy Spirit. When leaders teach their congregations to depend upon them
personally, they are harming the Church. Ministers should be empowering the Church by
teaching them to rely on God. To teach them to rely on man instead of God weakens the
power and effectiveness of the Church. It is not by human might or power that the Lord’s
work is accomplished but by the Spirit of the Lord. (Zechariah 4:6)

Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying that Church leaders are giving believers false
teaching on purpose. Most often they have been deceived into believing a lie through the
false teaching of others. It is the responsibility of the ministry before Christ however to
verify what they teach to the saints through the Word of God and by divine revelation of the
Spirit. (I Corinthians 2:9-11) Also if another leader or believer comes to them and exposes
the error through the Word, they should have enough humility to at least seek the Lord and
take a second look at their teaching and whether or not it is truth. (By the way, my brother-
in-law went to this Pastor privately to question this same teaching and gave biblical proof of
its error but he out and out rejected what was trying to be shown to him.)

A good virtue for all leaders is that they have the humility and ability to receive correction in
whatever form the Lord may give it. Although I have many, many stories to tell of the
control that I have seen exercised through ministers and believers alike within the confines
of the Church, I can only share a few.

After leaving the Church that we grew up in, we attended different Churches. Most we
attended out of obedience to God in order to serve in some ministry capacity. I’m sure
there were some however that we were just curious. :) During the time that we attended
these Churches we experienced some good things of course, but we also witnessed and
experienced more spiritual abuse. By this time however, God had given us the discernment
to recognize and reject it. I remember one particular Church that we began attending that at
first seemed pretty good…that is until the Pastor began to get more and more controlling.
He gossiped to some believers about other believers even to the point of accusing certain
believers of not being “of God”. When word got around, this caused some members to be
hurt. Rumors began to fly within the Church and before you know it division ensued among
members. (Of course, everything was the fault of the people and never the Pastor)
The control started out subtly but in due time it began to increase. When I was invited to
teach, I was told what to speak on. When the gift of prophecy began to flow through others,
the Pastor publicly declared to everyone that no one was going to give any more
prophecies and if God was going to speak to the Church, he would do so through the
Pastor only. Believers were sometimes told that if their lives did not “measure up” to Christ
to come to the altar to repent. As time went on the spirit of condemnation began to pervade
the atmosphere. God’s grace and Christian liberty were not taught, given or practiced.
Eventually, out of what seemed like frustration at not being able to control everything the
Pastor gave an ultimatum to those in the congregation that would not do things “his way.”
He literally said, “It’s my way or the highway.” [Of course after that we took the highway!]

Not only was the control evident in this leadership but so was intimidation, abuse of
authority and condemnation. This constricting atmosphere slowly but surely began to
force believers into a bondage (or servitude) of doing everything in the Church the way the
Pastor wanted to instead of the way that God wanted to. This environment eventually
became detrimental to the faith of others because they were being torn down. One danger
sign of spiritual abuse then is that there is a tearing down instead of a building up of the
faith of the members. The Word declares however that the ministry has only been given the
authority to build up- not tear down. (II Corinthians 10:8) Many in ministry do not
understand that it is their job to equip the saints for works of service, not forbid them from
doing works of service. They are to teach the truth of the scripture to help build up the body
of Christ, to teach them the truths of God’s word and this in turn will help them to mature
and attain to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. (Ephesians 4:11-16)

This Pastor made the costly mistake of trying to control everything in the flesh rather than
to yield control to the Holy Spirit. As a result, disorder and contention reared their ugly
heads. Whenever the Holy Spirit is quenched in such a manner he also becomes grieved
by works of the flesh. His presence was greatly diminished and due to this fact most of the
people left the Church over a short period of time and eventually the Church closed its
doors. (Well meaning believers are really looking for God and his presence when they go to
a Church and if they don’t experience him there they will leave). Sadly many Pastors feel it
is their duty to “run” or build the Church but they must realize that this is the Lord’s work
and responsibility as the Head of the Church. Those that try to “run” the Church most often
will only “run” believers right out the doors because most people can’t stand an oppressive
and stifling atmosphere.

When the Lord gave authority for the ministry to rule in the Church it was with the intention
that leaders (and the entire Body together as well) be submitted to Christ and one another
and that we follow the guidance and wisdom of our divine Helper the Holy Spirit. When we
allow the Holy Spirit to orchestrate our services, peace and order will ensue instead of strife
and chaos. We should not do things “our way” but Jesus’ way!

Like Paul, leaders within the Church should realize that all believers have the ability to hear
from God just as they do but also that they have been given the freedom to participate in
the service through the gifts of the Spirit and as he wills. God ordained believers to operate
in the gifts of the Spirit for the purpose of edifying and encouraging one another when they
assemble together. (I Corinthians 12:1-11, 14:26) Believers should be taught and
encouraged to exercise their spiritual gifts, not be discouraged. The job of leadership is not
to control who the Holy Spirit chooses to work through but to provide oversight, instruction
or teaching to the saints in how to exercise the gifts properly and in order. They are not to
lord their position over the flock but instead serve as an example. (I Peter 5:2-3)

We are taught in the Bible not to quench the Spirit, not to despise prophecy and not to
forbid speaking in tongues yet many Church leaders go against the instruction of Christ. (I
Thessalonians 5:19-20, I Corinthians 14:39) Believers have been given the grace and
freedom from God to move with the Spirit. Where grace and freedom are not being given or
exercised, is it any wonder that the spirit of condemnation and bondage is pervading the
atmosphere? Lord help us to humble ourselves to you and yield ourselves to your will so
you will lift us up to live in your grace and liberty!

Part II