Dance Like Everyone's Watching

I have been suspended. A true tragedy really. The embarrassment will never go away. My
permanent record forever tarnished. My first-grade self, a true rebel. Now you may be thinking,
how? What rash action could a small child have done that caused her a one-day suspension from
school making her, wrongly, have to miss finger painting? To that I have to say, my dad tells me
to plead the fifth. But, I will reveal that it all started when a girl I desperately wanted to like me
said she would be my friend if I made a few rather inappropriate remarks to a fellow classmate.
Needless to say, I went through those rather compromising lengths with no avail. Connection
gives purpose and meaning into our lives, but we often go about making it in the wrong way.
While most of us want those close relationships, as I clearly did, we resist the very traits that
make connection possible opting to “fit in” with the crowd rather than showing people
authenticity. As Brené Brown, a renowned social worker and Ted-Talk speaker, expressed,
“fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing
up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are.” Vulnerability is the only way for us
to make true connections. You are all beautiful and worthy of belonging- people cannot be
driven away when you are truly and unquestionably you. I believe that by opening yourself up to
others and dancing like you know everyone is watching, you will learn to embrace your most
genuine self and feel a true sense of acceptance.
Conformity involves changing your behaviors in order to "fit in" or "go along" with the
people around you. While people conform in order to be accepted by their peers, it actually
impedes true connection. The world is a scary place- one that seems to embrace the idea of
changing yourself to fit the norm, so I think it is safe to say, most people have experienced this
pull of peer influence. Often looking at a group's behavior can be helpful, if someone is looking
for direction due to their own lack of knowledge and information. However, there is a negative
type of conformity that plagues society and high school especially. Normative influence is when
we change ourselves to fit into a group by disregarding our own morals and identity by changing
actions, behaviors, beliefs, interests, and opinions. This can be small like dressing in a certain
style, big like drug use, or maybe making inappropriate comments as a first grader. I am an
expert at trying to fit in. As a child, I constantly put myself through things I did not want to do
and allowed people to walk all over me. It got to such an extreme point that when a girl punched
me for no particular reason, I responded with “cool,” so I could keep being her friend. However,
by constantly trying to be just like other people, I never felt a sense of belonging and my own
values were stomped on in this process. As Brené Brown expresses, “There can be no intimacy
—emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy—without vulnerability…vulnerability is glue that holds
intimate relationships together”. 
The only way to really connect with people and feel a sense of belonging is to be
vulnerable. Opening up to others has birthed in me a sense of joy, belonging, and the notion that
trying to be like everyone else is absolutely exhausting. Belonging truly is entirely different than
fitting in- it is letting your authentic self be seen- faults and all. While vulnerability is the key
trait to making connections, I will be honest with you- it is much easier said than done. Our
reasons for avoiding vulnerability are deeply personal and specific to our unique experience. As
we live in a culture that often praises having thick skin and being self-contained, vulnerability
tends to be brushed off as weakness. We believe vulnerability will unnecessarily expose us to
hurt and humiliation. Often, there is this question floating in the back of our minds: Is there
something about me that other people may think is not worthy of connection? Vulnerability is
really about the courage and willingness to truly be ourselves. When we resist vulnerability,
we’re listening to a “voice” that’s telling us we shouldn’t be open, but in truth, we’re actually
denying people from fully knowing us and denying ourselves the chance of connection. 
Breaking down the barrier between fitting in and belonging does not happen overnight,
and it happens at different rates for everyone. It takes time and experience to learn that you are
worthy of connection, love, and expression. I still, on some level, try to fit in and conceal my
identity. I have certainly grown since grade school- no longer will I be suspended trying to
maintain a friendship I never even had in the first place. The fact that I have no present
connections with the people in that school expresses how important vulnerability really is in
relationships. The time and the experience will come, but for now, there are things we can all
examine and try to do in our lives presently in order to make real connections. So, “How to be
vulnerable”. In order to start showing your real self, start asking for what you want... whether it
is help on homework or someone to lean on during a hard time. Achieving close connections
means being willing to speak up when you are in need. Expose your feelings, it is an important
part of expressing yourself and becoming closer to the people you confide in. Express what you
think. Be honest about your point of view and showing your real self. Remember that we are all
human and flawed. This acknowledgement can help us have more self-compassion and interest
as we engage in more honest exchanges. Finally, put yourself out there. While it may sound
impossible to put all of your hopes, dreams, craziness, and genuine self on the line, anyone can
do it and reap the connections they make from their vulnerability. 
In fact, even I can do it here right now. My name is Amanda Ward, I am afraid of the
muppets, I still think the Barbie movies are cinematic masterpieces, I went through a phase
where I only wore pilgrim dresses with the bonnet, I have failed probably half of the math tests I
have ever taken, I play dungeons and dragons on the weekend, my voice is sadly real, I repeated
the sixth grade so I was supposed to graduate last year, and when people in my old school ask
where I am going to college right now I say Stanford even though that is absolutely not the path I
am on. There you go. Me in a nutshell.
Letting people in will help you feel like you truly belong, as though you do not need to
change yourself to fit in. You are all worthy of connection and acceptance. Showing your true
colors will not deter people but bring them closer to you. I hope that from now on, you will try to
dance to your own drum knowing absolutely everyone is watching.