L S

RUWAN MEEPAGALA

D E V I
THE U S
IN S I D E

Artist: Kerb Crawler Ghost

How To Be The Star In Her

Dirtiest Fantasies
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“I want you to rape me!” she said.

I played it cool as best I could. But in that moment my internal

narrative split, responding with equal parts “Fuck yes!” and “Oh
no, I would never do that; You see, what you’re saying is an
oxymoron and we’re already having consensual sex."

The woman I was in bed with wasn’t pathological. Outside of

the bedroom she is a rational, successful woman. But in the
altered consciousness of heightened arousal, something other
than her rational faculties took over; something primal and
ancestral. She was taken by a normally unconscious set of
characteristics that Jungian psychology would call an
“archetype”.

What this means: If you can embody her Animus, she will
project her deepest, most primal fantasies on to you. To
do this you must demonstrate behavior consistent with
testosterone:
Initiative - Show your interest. Initiate text threads.
Break the ice and ask her out.
Decisiveness - Make the logistical decisions
(when/what your date is)
Sexuality - Let her see that she turns you on. (This can
be done simply by noticing her hotness while you
make eye contact-- even while talking about something
totally unsexual)
Dominance - Always assume everything is okay. Don’t
take things too seriously. Don’t get butthurt. The lion
does not worry about the lambs.
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The part of me that was able to respond with “Fuck yes” was
my complementary ‘masculine’ archetype. The part of me
spewing a bunch of rational jumble was my controlling ego —
that which kept me ‘in my head’ and held me back from full
authentic expression.

Actually, the parts of us that were playing out this dark fantasy
didn’t even belong to her and me individually. They were a part
of the collective unconscious acting through us. They were
characters in an eternal psychodrama playing out their
missions.

The rape fantasy is a hyper-polarized psychodrama. In it, a

woman confronts her animus, the masculine side of the female
psyche; and a man confronts his anima, the feminine side of
the male psyche. While there are many psychodramas that
allow this, the rape fantasy is so potent because it’s so taboo
— contrary to the preferences of the ego.

Integration of anima/animus is often symbolized in the yin yang symbol.

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Much of our modern anxieties, neuroses, and dysphoria comes

from disconnection from our unconscious archetypes.
Reintegrating our archetypes is not only a path of healing, but
the key to individuation — the full expression of self.

This means that by liberating her freak, you will also

unlock your own repressed masculine virtues.

For example: If bad (feminizing) conditioning made you

grow up with low confidence and troubling expressing
yourself, high arousal will force your real confident self
out.

So you will not only have mind-blowing, soul-shattering

sex... you’ll actually become more of a man outside of the
bedroom too.

The anima/animus is particularly impactful because it

represents the “other side” within us. The harmony (or lack
thereof) we have with this part of ourselves affect us from our
childhood parental relationship all the way through our adult
romantic relationships, up until we raise families of our own.

Integrating the other side it critical to being an uninhibited force

in the world. It is the Hero’s Journey that our ego takes in order
to return home.

Why Do Sexual
Archetypes Exist?
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First, what are archetypes:

To understand archetypes according to Jung, it may help to
borrow an analogy Richard Dawkins uses to understanding
genes:

In The Selfish Gene, Dawkins has us imagine our genome as a

big binder full of pages — a book that makes up all the
information on how to build our body. We get half the pages
from our mother, and half the pages from our father. They
basically get mixed up except for certain sequences of pages,
‘chapters’, that have proven to be effective in survival till
procreation. These persisting chapters are genes. Genes are
not a standard unit, but a bundle of information that
corresponds to a certain part of our ‘book’.

The part of her brain that determines attraction and

arousal evolved a million years before her consciousness.
This means that what makes her pussy wet has nothing to
do with her ideologies. This is why even feminists like
being dominated in the bedroom. (Even if most don’t
admit it.)

Archetypes are similar, but corresponding to the human

psyche. Instead of ‘chapters’, they are like ‘character profiles’:
sets of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that have been so
useful to the human psyche that they have become universal.
When an archetype seems to be in every person’s psyche, we
say it’s part of the collective unconscious.
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The ‘Hero’ archetype is so universal, that every Marvel movie

can pretty much have the same exact plot and still sell out the
box office.

When dissociated, archetypes can

have a ‘mind of their own’
At birth, our psyche is complete and whole. Infants don’t see
separation between themselves and what they experience.
They don’t experience internal conflict, because all is one. But
as the world is learned, the ego must develop in order to
interface with it.

Archetypes and their motives are neither good nor bad on

their own. Our formative environment tells our ego what to
discard.
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Some impulses are deemed ‘good’ and others ‘bad’ based on

the norms of our environment. The bad ones are shoved into
the ‘dark’ of the unconscious.

Our ego is the identity we develop to interface with the world

and “captain the ship.”

Contrary to what spiritualists say, the ego is not evil or

something to be deleted. It’s as necessary a part of us as any
other part. It just happens to be a ‘newer’ part. And when the
newer part is unkind to the older parts, bad things can happen.

For her to go into high arousal, her ego needs to

surrender control. But to do so she needs to know she’ll
be safe when you’re steering the ship.

The easiest way to relax her ego is to show that you are
paying attention to how she is feeling.

“How does your body feel right now?”

“You seem ____ (insert your best guess).”
If you say “How do you feel?”, watch your tone. You
are not asking for permission. You are checking on a
sexual animal that is within your care.

We can imagine a situation where a recent college grad is

hired to captain a ship of old-timers. The brash young captain
thinks he knows how things “should be”, so disregards the
suggestions of the veterans. He quarantines ones who oppose
him and locks them below in the brig. The result is a poorly
functioning crew with constant conflict.
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Afflictions like inexplicable anxiety, self-sabotage, internal

disarray, and compulsions can all be results of banishing
archetypes to the dark. Even worse is when our ego steers the
ship so far off course that the ‘dark’ archetypes must mutiny —
sabotaging our lives.

The book and movie Fight Club demonstrate a psychodrama of

the masculine ego and archetype. The main character created
a false life chasing work promotions and consumer products
that completely went against his archetypal desire. So his
repressed hyper-masculine archetype completely dissociated
into another identity, Tyler Durden. This archetype destroyed
his former life and did dangerous things to compensate for past
inauthenticity.

Archetypes and their motives are neither good nor bad on

their own. Our formative environment tells our ego what to
discard.

Repressed archetypes reveal

themselves in high arousal
Usually, we can only see our unconscious motives when the
ego is subdued. This is why Jungian psychology is so heavy on
dream analysis. This is also why many people find healing in
psychoactive plant medicines —
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the hallucinations symbolize truths that the ego has been

unable to recognize before.

Another place our unconscious shows up is in sexuality. One

reason for this is that arousal is a mind-altering drug.

Seinfeld’s George Costanza yells “I’m giving you a

raise” when he has sex with his secretary. He realizes
he can’t uphold the promise and hilarity ensues.

Visceral bliss states are closer to dream consciousness than

waking consciousness. That’s why promises made during
orgasm won’t hold up in court.

But there’s another reason sex reveals the unconscious. And

to understand this, we need to look again at the rape fantasy.

Sexual Archetypes and

the Soul:
Power exchange is an ancient
narrative
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Sexual archetypes are some of the most concrete because

they are so tied to our biology. Clinical studies show that the
presence of testosterone, the male sex hormone, directly
correlates to behavioral impulses we consider ‘masculine’:
aggression, competition, assertion of will, utilitarianism (at the
expense of empathy), logical and numerical orientation,
penetration (literal and figurative).

The same correlation is found between oxytocin and impulses

we consider ‘feminine’: empathy, nurturing, social awareness,
yielding of will, egalitarianism, receptivity (literal and figurative.)

It’s actually more accurate to call them ‘testosterone and

oxytocin’ traits over masculine-feminine because they exist to
some degree in all of us. In order to be healthy and complete
we need both, even if one is naturally stronger than the other in
us.

The aspect of the masculine-feminine (or testosterone-

oxytocin) dynamic that is highlighted in the rape fantasy is that
of apparent power. The male pole does, the female end
receives. While women can be rapists too, the physical act is
always of a phallic appendage entering a receptive vessel.

Maybe not always, but sometimes always.

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I’ll avoid political commentary on whether this power exchange

is ‘good’ or not. Power dynamics have served an important
function in human cohesion, and they also have causes much
distress in humanity.

But for our own personal development, it’s more important to

acknowledge that it exists, and it’s commonly repressed.

We eroticize repressed elements.

The rape fantasy is taboo because it’s so counter-logical.

“It’s not like I actually want to be raped,” many women have

said to me. “But for some reason it turns me on to think about.

”Sexual fantasies are not always desires. Just as our dreams

are not literal instructions of what to do in real life. (If so we all
ought to go to school without pants.) Fantasies are often a
mechanism of the unconscious to reveal a truth.

My friend Om Rupani often says that “We eroticize our pain.”

He explains that that’s why so many people find healing in
BDSM. You might have repressed emotional pain that’s a ‘level
8’ on a 1–10 scale. Your ego won’t let you go there
consciously. But the ego can’t deny physical pain. So if you
reach level 8 of sensation, the ego can’t help you experience
all the equivalent emotions.
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Encourage her to talk about her fantasies. Chances are

she’s never had a guy ask her about that.

In sex itself, weird stuff might come up. That’s okay.

Expect it. Sometimes women cry or scream or laugh when
they reach a high enough level of arousal. NEVER ever
shame her for what comes up.

If she’s showing you weird stuff, that just means she feels
safe around your masculinity to let go.

Conversely, when an unconscious element feels it needs to be

heard, it might show up as an unexpected sexual desire. The
unconscious mixes in visceral pleasure to make the emotional
pain bearable. It’s the spoonful of sugar that helps the
medicine go down.

Mary Poppins, archetypal role model for the benevolent

dominatrix
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I once met a man whose ancestors were perpetrators in a

major genocide. He was so overcome with guilt that he
developed uncontrollable sexual fantasies about being
tortured.

I once met a woman whose father criticized her for having ugly
feet which caused her self-esteem issues at a young age. For
a long time she had fantasies of men penetrating her with their
toes.

One of the most common customers for pro-dominatrices are

‘alpha male CEOs’. Such men’s anima doesn’t get to express
in daily life so it gets finds an extreme way to get it’s needs met
in what we might call a ‘fetish’.

Even common fantasies like that of teachers, secretaries, and

MILFs likely point to minor repressed anguish around
frustration at school, powerlessness at work, or anger at female
caretakers. They aren’t necessarily pathologies. They are our
unconscious’s attempt to satisfy a need.

American Pie’s MILF acronym may have helped a generation of

men reconcile their Oedipus complex
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For a woman who has experienced sexual trauma, the rape

fantasy can seem like an obvious way to get catharsis — to
intentionally replay a traumatic scene to reclaim authority.

But many women who haven’t experienced sexual trauma also

have rape fantasies. In that way it’s an ancestral aspect of the
Feminine archetype — An eroticization of a collective
psychodrama, of which many women tend to carry one role,
and many men the other.

To bring her to dark places, you need to be able to go

there yourself. Deal with your own personal shame. Be
aware of your own dark impulses. You may or may not be
able to play them out.

Archetypes seeks their reciprocal in

others.
Even more taboo than the desire to be raped, is the desire to
rape. If a man admitted that publicly, he’d be ruined. But you’ll
hear guys share that periodically in clandestine men’s groups.
I’ve seen multiple guys break down into tears from the shame
that they fantasized about raping a woman on the subway.

It’s not that these guys wanted to actually violate, any more
than a woman actually wants to be violated. These fantasies
and impulses comes from characters within us. They are a part
of us whether we like it or not, like an allergy to peanuts or
double jointed thumbs.
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The anima/animus is typically imprinted by our opposite sex

parent. Regardless of gender or sexual orientation, our
relationship to this part tends to recur in our sexual
relationships. This is because, on some level, every
emotionally significant interaction maps to a part of our psyche.
Our repressed traits show up the loudest.

Any time I coach someone who complains about ‘narcissists’ in

their life, it’s almost always the case that they are repressing
their inner ‘attention whore’. Or rather, they have shamed the
healthy part of themselves that desires attention, so now it’s
perverted into narcissism that they unconsciously satisfy in
external relationships.

One could argue that the part of me that could say “fuck yes” to
play perpetrator in the rape fantasy, was really her animus
acting through me. And the part of her that wanted to be raped
was my anima. In another sense, these dark expressions of
anima and animus didn’t belong to either of us. They were
impersonal beings using us to fulfill their roles.

Often the urge to individuation

appears in veiled form, hidden in the
overwhelming passion one may feel
for another person.
(Marie-Louise von Franz)
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When you’re with a woman, ask yourself:

What kind of character is her sexual archetype? (It may
be totally different than how she appears in daily life.)
Who do I have to be to match that character?

Psychodramas bring our archetypes

back from the dark.
According to Jung and his colleagues, a man’s anima forms
with the traits of his mother, and is molded by the women he is
intimate with.

I’ve found in my
coaching practice that
men with a Madonna-
Whore complex are still
stuck in a child-like
relationship with their
mother. They rely on
mommy’s emotional
support over
developing their own
inner feminine. So it’s
hard for them to see a
woman as both loving
An unwillingness to grow up may be the cause of the and sexual.
Madonna-Whore complex in men
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“Whenever a man’s logical mind is incapable of

discerning facts hidden in his unconscious, the
anima helps him dig them out… The positive
function occurs when a man takes seriously the
feelings, moods, and expectations, and fantasies
sent to him by his anima, and when he fixes them
in some form — for example, in writing, painting,
music, or dancing… putting a man’s mind in tune
with the right inner values and thereby opening
the way into more profound inner depths.” ¹
According to von Franz, when a woman connects with her
animus, she accesses the testosterone-driven traits of
“initiative, courage, objectivity, and spiritual wisdom.”

A woman’s animus can also mirror the traits of her father, but
as von Franz observed, in many women “the animus appears
as a group of men… a collective rather than personal
element.”¹ Such a woman will experience her masculinity as
more general traits, rather than the specific characteristics of
her father. Hence the common fantasy of many anonymous
men, a.k.a. the gang bang.
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Dolce got in trouble for this ad representing a common animus fantasy: the gang bang.
But according to Marie-Louise von Franz, it’s actually a way female psyches separate
their own masculinity from their fathers.

Sexual fantasies aren’t necessarily about the sex. I’ve met

lesbians who have zero interest in men, but still have male
gang bang fantasies. Fantasies can just be your unconscious
working something out. Your unconscious maybe thought you
might prefer to watch something sexy over a horror flick.

The woman who asked me to rape her wasn’t speaking from

her ego. A deeper, older character saw an opportunity to get a
need met — to reclaim power in a way that felt good.

And she also gave me a gift. She gave me an opportunity to

embody (and integrate) an element of my masculinity that I
typically didn’t accept — the part that gets off on domination
and power — in a safe and consensual psychodrama. I could
intellectualize the virtue of male aggression, but until I had a
consenting partner to play the other role, it was just the stuff of
my ego.
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In a sense, she was my anima and I was her animus. At least

for those moments of ego-disabling arousal.

In order to be our most powerful individuated selves, we can’t

leave pieces of us behind. Dark fantasies are not always
comfortable to look at nor do they always make sense. But our
sexuality gives us a chance to look at our unconscious, and
bring our darkness into the light.

To sum everything up:

Demonstrate that you have the Masculine
(testosterone-driven) traits handled:
Initiative
Decisiveness
Sexuality
Be aware of your own dark impulses. Deal with your
own shame.
Make her feel safe by showing that you’re aware of her
feelings
Encourage her to explore her fantasies
Be bold enough to play the character full out

I’m teaching a Masculine Archetype class + 21 Day

Challenge for men. You can sign up for both here.