Below is a model answer essay that scored an impressive

Band 5. Look at the feedback on each paragraph.

 
QUESTION 2

The world today is turning more to electronic

communications such as the e-mail, Facebook and Short
Message System (SMS). What is your opinion of this growing
trend? Discuss. You should write at least 350 words.
 
As time goes by, the world is changing rapidly; so are its people
and the technology itself. Technology brings about a lot of
amendments in people’s life. It is getting more advanced from day
to day especially when it comes to Information Technology or in
this case; electronic communications. Back then, mailing was
seemingly to be one of the most vital ways of communication
especially for the world communication. In contrast, nowadays
people are more prone to communicate the easier ways; by
staring on their electronic accounts on their computers or through
their iPods and sending short messages from their iPhones or
Blackberries. Why is it so? In my slight opinion, this growing trend
gives a lot of dominances in today’s life, which are helping people
to save their time and money, create borderless communication
and make it easy for people to gain prominent information.
 
 
Feedback
The student introduces technology as a whole, looking at its
history, from how it has grown from a simple form of
communication through letters to today’s extensive choice
of communication through electronic gadgets. This is a great
way to start your introduction. Based on the question,
explain what the issue is and give a brief background of its
past and present. State your opinion as to why such
situation arises. 
 
First and foremost, the world today is turning more to electronic
communications like e-mail, Facebook and Short Message
System (SMS) and other electronic communications is because
they will prevent people from wasting their time and money. How
do these work? As we all know, sending a letter to someone will
take a lot of processes and will eventually take a long time and
waste a lot of money. On the contrary, electronic communications
entail only the tip of our fingers so as an electronic device to work
with. Then, what is left for us to do is just, typing! Has that not
taken a much lesser time and money? For instance, an e-mail
only requires us to turn on our laptops, open our accounts on the
website and then, you can start write your letter and send them
through e-mails. In short, with the very unstable economy
nowadays, having these kinds of communications will ease
everyone’s burden especially on their daily expenses and also
their valuable time will not be wasted.
 
 
Feedback
State, Explain and then Illustrate. Remember SEI. First, state
the topic that’s been mentioned. In this case, it’s the rise of
electronic communications. Then explain. Explain what
electronic communications entail. Next, illustrate. This
means give examples based on your explanation. The
student illustrates by giving a scenario of the use of emails.
 
 
Secondly, the growing trend of electronic communications is
making it possible for a borderless communication which is vital
these days. Why is it vital? A lot of things require borderless
communication; in education field, businesses and even daily
activities, especially when foreigners involved. For example, when
trading with foreigners, in order to communicate with each other,
they need Skype or Yahoo Messenger as mediums to interact
and be able to do the trade at a faster rate as compared to by
using ‘snail mails’ or regular letters. Skype is the perfect example
of an electronic communication which will cut the boundary that
has separated each country and make communication between
two different countries from around the world possible. In
conclusion, it is crucial to have these electronic communications
in today’s age of globalization as they make it easier for people
around the world to connect with each other.
 
 
Feedback
Structure your subsequent paragraphs like the first one. Add
a new point in the second paragraph and repeat the SEI
format. It’s important to have a mind map of your points
before you start writing.
 
Last but not least, the dominance of these electronic
communications is people could gain prominent information more
efficiently than before. As there are lesser borders between
countries, the efficiency of getting much more relevant and
prominent information is higher. People will have the ability to
provide and gain information effectively through Facebook or
Twitter accounts. For example, international artists who have
planned to do a world concert can inform their fans about it
through their Facebook account. Likewise, the fans also can ask
just about anything to their favourite artists regarding the concert.
Hence, this explains why people make these electronic
communications as a huge trend these days and in order to keep
the trend ongoing, each person has the responsibility to adapt
with the technology itself.
 
In a nutshell, the growing trend of using electronic
communications is inevitably vital in people’s lives as it gives out
a lot of benefits as stated in above paragraphs. So, to avoid
ourselves from not getting the chance of keeping up with the
changing trends, we have to try our best to adapt ourselves with
the rapid changes. I believe that the electronic communication
trend is a trend which is very important to be followed as the world
is getting more advanced day to day.
 
 
Feedback
To indicate that your essay is coming to an end, use words
like ‘in conclusion, in a nutshell, in short or to wrap up.
Summarise your opinion based on all your previous
paragraphs and emphasise your point through words like ‘I
believe’.