Riddles

What begins with P, ends with E, and has 1,000 letters?

Post office.

What begins with E, ends with E, and has one letter?

Envelope.

What kind of nut has a hole?

Donut.

A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed three days, and left on Friday. How is this
possible?
His horse's name is "Friday."

What do you call a fish without an eye?

A "fsh!"

What car is spelled the same forwards and backwards?

Racecar.

If you drop a yellow hat in the Red Sea, what does it become?
Wet?

What month has 28 days?

All of them!

Jokes
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One cannibal looked at the other cannibal and said, "Do
you taste something funny?"

Two muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin looked at the other and said, "Hey man, is it
getting hot in here?" The other muffin said, "Ahhhhh! You can talk!"

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9 (7 8 9).

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't
seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his
cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead!
What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy. I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The hunter's
voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

A woman carrying a baby gets on a bus. As she pays the fare, the bus driver looks at the
baby and says, "Ugh! Lady, that's absolutely the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman is
fuming. Still carrying the baby, she walks back toward the rear of the bus, finds an empty
seat and sits down. She says to a man sitting next to her, "The bus driver was terribly rude
to me when I got on. I've never been so insulted in all my life! I've got half a mind to tell him
off." The man says, "And that's what you should do. Don't let him get away with insulting
you. Walk right up there and let him know how you feel. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for
you."

Patient: "Doctor, I think I'm suffering from memory loss."

Doctor: "Have you ever had it before?"

Doctor: "What's wrong with your brother?"

Boy: "He thinks he's a chicken."
Doctor: "Really? How long has he thought this?"
Boy: "Three years."
Doctor: "Three years!"
Boy: "We would have brought him in sooner, but we needed the eggs."

Patient: "Something's wrong! I'm shrinking!"

Doctor: "Take it easy, sir. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Why was the math book sad?

Because it had so many problems.

What did the numeral 0 say to the numeral 8?

Nice belt!

Why was the baby ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were aunts.

A guy yells across the river, "Hey, how do you get to the other side of this river?"
Another guy on the other side yells back, "You are on the other side!"

Can an elephant jump higher than a lamppost?

Yes. Lampposts can't jump.

Where do you find a no-legged dog?

Right where you left him.

A duck walks into a drugstore and says, "Gimme some Chapstick and put it on my bill."

A Guy Walks into a Bar...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Has my father been in here?" The
bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You
know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's
not hard to understand."

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in
here."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here.
We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named
Steve?"

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get
you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog
bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his
hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He
doesn't. That's not my dog."

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The skeleton says, "Give
me a beer, and a mop."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some
kind of joke?"

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to
get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says a man. "That's
the quickest way," says the barman.

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker. He asks, "Is that dog
there really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too smart. Whenever
he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He says, "A beer for me and one for my giraffe." And
they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man pays
the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin'
on the floor, are you?" The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a
circle. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't
mind me. I'm just looking around."