Birth of a King matthew chapter one

 Jesus is introduced as "the son of David, the son

of Abraham" (1:1). Remember them? Our good
friends from the Hebrew Bible.
 Matthew rattles off a long genealogy of Jesus with
three sets of fourteen generations. Yeah, that's a
lot of names. 
 After the genealogy breakdown, Matthew dives
into the actual birth of Jesus. Don't worry, he
leaves out the gory details.
 Mary and Joseph are betrothed—that's just a
fancy word for engaged. We happen to love that
word.
 But when Mary finds herself pregnant via the Holy
Spirit (which would be understood at the time as
God's spirit, not one-third of the Christian
Godhead), Joseph decides he should quietly quit
her before people find out.
 An angel comes to Joseph in a dream and tells
him to chill out. Why? Because Mary is pregnant
with a son who will save people from their sins.
Not only does this fulfill a prophecy (Matthew
quotes Isaiah, for good measure) but it also sets
the bar pretty high.
 Joseph wakes from his dream a changed man. He
takes Mary for his wife and doesn't have "marital
relations" (adult speak for s-e-x) until after Jesus
is born.
The Great Escape chapter 2
 Some wise men (sometimes called magi) from the east
see the stars align, and you know what that means. Oh,
you don't? Well, it means a special baby was born. They
go to King Herod and ask where the child is. 
 Not exactly the best move on their part. See, Herod gets
crazy jealous and sends the wise men to find the baby
and report back to him on the child's whereabouts.
Spoiler alert: it's not so Herod can send a birthday
present.
 The wise men find baby Jesus and bring a treasure
chest of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. 
 But before they head out, they're warned in a
dream not to tell Herod where the child is.
 Spooky.
 Once the wise men leave, an angel comes to Joseph in
—you guessed it—a dream. In this one, Joseph is told to
pack up and head off to Egypt until further notice. Why
the rush? Oh, only because Herod is out for blood and
is looking to kill Jesus. Sound like a valid reason.
 Herod soon realizes that he was stood up by the wise
men, and he is not happy. 
 Since he wasn't told where the child was, he resolves to
kill all infant boys in Bethlehem who are two years old or
younger. And yet another prophecy is fulfilled—this
time, Matthew quotes Jeremiah.
 Finally, Herod dies, and Jesus, Mary, and Joseph are in
the clear. In yet another dream, God gives them the go-
ahead to return home. 
 But instead of going back to Judea, they settle in
Galilee, which fulfills another prophecy (this is getting
exhausting), although the source of this one is a bit
fuzzy.
The Voice in the Desert chapter 3
 Enter the rugged and wild John the Baptist. He's
described as wearing "clothing of camel's hair
with a leather belt around his waist, and his food
was locusts and honey" (3:4). This is one
seriously intense dude. 
 John is out in the desert preaching ("Repent, for
the kingdom of heaven has come near," [3:2])
and baptizing people in the Jordan River. 
 All of the sudden, Jesus comes looking to be
baptized. Now, John knows what's up and can't
believe Jesus is coming to him to be baptized.
Jesus has to persuade him to actually do it. 
 But unlike all the other baptisms that John
performs, this one breaks the sky open.
Literally. 
 The moment Jesus rises from the water, the sky
opens up and a voice says, "This is my Son, the
Beloved, with whom I am well pleased" (3:17)
Gathering the Group chapter 4
 It's straight to business for Jesus. First up, a
short 40 days and nights spent in the wilderness
fasting.
 While he's there, Jesus gets tempted by the
devil himself. Satan offers Jesus bread and
power and tries to get him to test the power of
God. But Jesus basically tells him that no means
no.
 Jesus learns that John has been arrested (wait,
what?) and makes his way to Capernaum to
start his ministry. This, of course, fulfills a
prophecy, courtesy of Isaiah.
 And the first thing that Jesus starts preaching
about? "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has
come near" (4:17). John and Jesus are quite the
tag-team.
 Knowing that he can't go at this alone (and hey,
the more the merrier), Jesus begins to gather his
disciples. The first recruits are Simon, Andrew,
James, and John. Not the Baptist. 
 From there, Jesus and friends go throughout
Galilee teaching in synagogues, curing all sorts
of illness, and becoming all sorts of famous.
Laying Down the Law chapter 5
 Now Jesus starts getting down to business and
begins preaching to the masses. His opening
number? The Sermon on the Mount (Chapters 5-7). In
this super-famous sermon, he says who is blessed
and why. Ready? Go.
 Those who completely rely on God will basically own
heaven.
 Mourners will have their tears dried.
 The meek will get a whole bunch of land.
 Those who crave doing right by God will be satisfied
in a righteous heaven.
 Those who are kind to others will be given kindness
back.
 Those with pure hearts will get to chill with God.
 Peacemakers will be called "children of God."
 Those who get bullied because they want to do God's
will also own heaven.
 And those who get harassed and beaten and
terrorized because of Jesus? Well, they'll make out
like bandits with all the rewards they'll get in heaven.
 List over. Now here come the parables. 
 The first one is a quickie: salt of the earth and light of
the world.
 Then Jesus gets down to the real business and
explains why he's here. It's not to abolish the law but
 to fulfill it. And to top it off, he says that righteousness
has to surpass the Pharisees and scribes in order to
enter heaven.
 The next topics on Jesus's agenda are anger and adultery.
He says that in olden times (and that's real olden times if
Jesus says it's old), the law just taught about not killing
anyone. But Jesus is saying that even having a bit of a
temper is just as bad as murder. ("Check yourself before you
wreck yourself" – Jesus.)
 And it only gets more serious from there. When it comes to
adultery, Jesus teaches that even looking at someone with
lust is already committing adultery. And his solution? Get rid
of what causes you to sin. In this example, that would mean
getting rid of your eyes. (His justification? Avoiding hell.
Sounds legit.) 
 Jesus continues on the adultery brain-train by adding that
divorce means adultery—not only for the woman but for
whoever marries a divorced woman.
 Next on the lesson plan is oaths and retaliation. This time,
Jesus corrects the old law of not swearing vows to God.
Instead, Jesus says to not swear at all and to let one's word
stand for itself. Simply put, yes means yes and no means
no. 
 When it comes to retaliation, Jesus brings up the infamous
"eye for an eye" way of doing things (5:38). To correct this,
Jesus teaches his followers to "turn the other" cheek, "give
your cloak" in addition to your coat, and to go "the second
mile" when forced to only go one. Translation? Nonviolent
resistance. 
 The final teaching in Chapter 5 is a big one. It's the well-
known "love your enemies" sermon.
 But Jesus doesn't end there. He actually preaches for his
followers to pray for those who persecute them and to be as
perfect as God. Quite the tall order.
Sermon on the Mount Part Deux chapter 6
 No rest for the weary!
 Jesus's preaching marathon continues with almsgivings,
prayer, and fasting. The next target is the hypocrite. Jesus is
not a fan. 
 Jesus says, when giving alms, "do not let your left hand
know what your right hand is doing" (6:3). That means being
super discreet so no one can tell what you're doing. Like a
magician.
 About prayer, he says a similar thing. Jesus preaches
against making a show of prayer for everyone to see and
then teaches the Prayer of all Prayers; we know it now as
The Lord's Prayer (You know the one: "Our Father…").
 Things are no different for fasting. Basically, Jesus is not a
fan of making a big spectacle about religious practice.
 He goes on to speak against hoarding and says that the only
treasures worth storing are the ones in heaven.
 Then Jesus starts getting riddle-y by talking about eyes and
lamps and light and darkness.
 Basically, he's telling people to stay surrounded by good
stuff because it'll influence you. But watch out, because bad
stuff will do the same. Just in the wrong direction.
 Jesus also preaches that a man cannot serve two masters.
So make your choice: God or wealth?
 Finally Jesus teaches his followers to just take a chill pill
when it comes to worrying about the trivial things of life. 
 And the chapter concludes with one of the soundest pieces
of advice: "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will
 bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today"
(6:34). That Jesus was ahead of his time.

The Final Lessons of the Sermon chapter 7

 Here's a big hitter to start off Chapter 7: don't judge others.
Unless of course you want to be judged yourself. Jesus
describes it symbolically: don't try to remove a speck from
someone else's eye when you've got an entire log in yours.
 It's kind of a hilarious image if you think about it.
 Another big no-no is giving what is holy to the dogs. Not
actual dogs—he means those who are not worthy of what's
holy. Jesus compares it to throwing pearls at swine. Again,
not actual pearls or actual swine. Jesus just likes metaphors.
 But he reminds us that if we ever need anything, all we have
to do is ask, seek, or knock. "Father in heaven give[s] good
things to those who ask him!" (7:11).
 And of course, we can't forget the beloved golden rule: "Do
to others as you would have them do to you" (7:12). 
 Next up, Jesus talks about the wide and easy road to
destruction. To avoid it, we must take the narrow and hard
road. You know, the one less traveled by.
 Jesus warns about false prophets who are like wolves in
sheep's clothing. How can we tell who they are? By their
fruit, of course: "In the same way, every good tree bears
good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit" (7:17).
 And let's not fool ourselves about who gets into heaven.
Jesus makes it very clear that those who don't do the will of
God pretty much don't stand a chance.
  How does Jesus explain this? Through the parable of the
Wise and Foolish Builders.
 Jesus finally concludes his sermon, and everyone thinks he's
all sorts of amazing.

Magic for Amateurs, Miracles for the Messiah

chapter 8
 For his first performance of grandeur, Jesus cures a leper. But he
immediately instructs the ex-leper to not tell anyone. Hmmm. 
 Instead, Jesus instructs him to show the temple priest that he's now
cleaned.
 The second miracle is pretty spectacular, mostly because Jesus isn't
even in the same location as the miracle. Now that takes skill. 
 A Roman soldier asks Jesus to cure his paralyzed servant but says
he's not worthy to have Jesus in his home.
 For the first time in the Gospel, we see Jesus amazed. He says he
hasn't seen faith like this in all of Israel. And thanks to the soldier's
faith, his servant gets the Dr. Jesus Special (i.e., he's healed).
 While visiting Peter's home, a whole hoard of sick people is brought
to Jesus to be cured. (One of them is Peter's own mother-in-law—it's
nice to have friends in high places.) Obviously Jesus cures them all.
 Jesus takes a quick break from all his miraculous activities and
responds to a scribe and a disciple who want to follow him by saying,
"the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head" and "Follow me, and
let the dead bury their own dead" (8:20-22). He's indicating how hard
it is to actually be a true disciple. 
 Now back to our regularly scheduled miracles.
 Jesus displays his powers over nature as he calms a storm. This
actually causes Jesus to question his disciples' little faith because
they were scared of sinking despite having Jesus in the boat with
them. Now it's their turn to be amazed at his awesome power.
  Enter the demons. Well actually, demoniacs—people who are
possessed by demons. (We like to think they're demonic maniacs. Or
really scary Animaniacs.)
 So these two demoniacs come up to Jesus and start shouting at him
asking him—whatcha gonna do about it, Jesus? Then they actually
beg Jesus to cast them out into a herd of swine...which he promptly
does. Poor pigs end up throwing themselves into the sea and die.
 When the townspeople get wind of what went down, they aren't too
pleased with Jesus being there and request that he leave.

More Miracles (and a Few Parables for Good Measure)

chapter 9
 Some people bring a paralytic to Jesus so that he can be cured. But instead of
healing him, Jesus forgives his sins.
 Blasphemy! At least that's what the scribes think to themselves. But Jesus is on
top of things because (1) he does have the authority to forgive sins, and (2) he
also has the power to heal the paralytic. Which is exactly what he does. 
 Then Jesus stumbles upon a tax collector named Matthew (yep, that's our
Matthew!), and requests that he become a follower. The Pharisees have a field
day with this one. Tax collectors weren't the most popular people around town
(some things never change), and the Pharisees call Jesus out for hanging out
with Matthew and other sinners. 
 Jesus will have none of that. He lets them know that he didn't come for the goody
two-shoes. No, he came for the sinners.
 Now some of John's disciples ask Jesus why his disciples don't fast. Jesus tells
them that no one mourns while the bridegroom is with them and that they will fast
in mourning when the bridegroom is taken away. Confused? Don't worry, he
explains with the parables of unshrunken cloth and old wineskins. Still confused?
Yeah, so is almost everyone.
 Jesus wastes no time in getting back to healing people. While he's on his way to
bring a girl back to life, a woman suffering from a twelve-year-long hemorrhage
touches Jesus's cloak to be made well again. Despite having a slew of people
around him, Jesus feels her and says her faith has cured her. Oh yeah, and then
he brings the little girl back to life.
 News spreads fast.
 Next up to join the I've Been Healed by Jesus club are the two blind men who call
out to "the Son of David." Okay, that gets Jesus's attention. He asks if they
 believe and says it's by their faith that they're healed. But then he tells them not
to tell anyone. This again? 
 Guess what? They tell people anyone.
 You would think that since Jesus wants everyone to keep their mouths shut, he
wouldn't drive the demon out of a mute demoniac. But Jesus is a good guy, and
what do good guys do? They drive demons out of mute demoniacs.
 Once again, the crowds are amazed. But the Pharisees accuse Jesus of driving
out demons by the power of the prince of demons (a.k.a. Satan). That's not good.
 Jesus continues touring around, preaching at synagogues, talking about the
kingdom of heaven, curing people…you know, the norm. 
 He feels compassion toward those who follow him and says that the harvest is
plenty but the laborers are few. 
 Time to get more laborers.

Instructions for the Twelve chapter 10

 Jesus sends out the street team and gives The Twelve (i.e.,
the disciples) the authority to cure illnesses and drive out
demons. Pretty sweet gig.
 We finally get to meet the whole gang: Simon (a.k.a. Peter),
Andrew, James, John, Phillip, Bartholomew, Thomas,
Matthew, James, Thaddaeus, Simon, and Judas. Keep an
eye on that last guy.
 Jesus tells them to stick to Israel and not venture into any
pagan territory or Samaritan town.
 Also, they shouldn't take any payment and they should wish
peace on worthy houses that receive them.
 How hard can it be? Well, Jesus equates it to sending sheep
out to wolves. Hmmm. That's not very comforting. Jesus
actually paints quite the grim picture of how The Twelve will
get persecuted on their mission.
  But no worries. Jesus tells them to remain calm, form a
single line, and only fear what can destroy the soul and
body. He reminds them that they've got God on their side.
 More warnings come from Jesus as he says, "I have not
come to bring peace, but a sword" (10:34). Looks like Mr.
Nice Guy has a dangerous streak.
 Jesus also predicts that families will turn on each other and
that enemies will be found in one's own house because of
him. 
 But just as it looks like there won't be any silver lining, Jesus
brings up rewards. Whew. 
 Turns out those who receive The Twelve receive Jesus. And
whoever receives Jesus receives God. And that's the kind of
reward that can't be lost.

Jesus, John, and Some Sinful Cities

chapter11
 Word travels fast and news of all of Jesus's
activities makes its way to John the Baptist—
who, by the way, is still in prison. 
 John sends his own disciples to ask Jesus if he
is The One. Jesus's answer: "Uh, DUH!" (Not a
direct quote.)
 Then Jesus starts preaching about John the
Baptist. Well, more like singing his praises.
Jesus calls John "more than a prophet" (11:9)
 and compares their generation to children who
don't dance when music is playing or don't
mourn when there is wailing. 
 Jesus also has no sympathy for the towns that
don't repent. He cites ruined cities of the Hebrew
Bible and how they could have been saved. But
wait! Jesus then goes on to say that those same
cities will fare better than those who denounce
him now. Yowza.
 And Jesus is pretty selective with this message.
Apparently, these things are only revealed to
infants and not wise men. Hmmm.

Questions from the Pharisees and Parables from Jesus

chapter 12
 Pharisees see some of Jesus's disciples picking and eating grain on the Sabbath
and call them out on it. But Jesus throws it right back at them and says
something greater than the law is here and that "the Son of Man is lord of the
Sabbath" (12:8). Take that, Pharisees.
 In the synagogue, they quiz Jesus on whether it's lawful to heal on the Sabbath.
Short answer: yes. Long answer: absolutely yes! Jesus says it's totally okay to do
good things on the Sabbath.
 And this is when the Pharisees begin to plot their evil plan against him.
 Since there's no foolin' Jesus, he already knows about the Pharisees' plan. He
leaves, but everyone follows him, wanting to be healed.
 Jesus cures them all but tells them to keep quiet. Another prophecy of Isaiah
fulfilled.
 People bring another blind and mute demoniac to Jesus. After Jesus heals the
demoniac, the crowd begins to question if he is the Son of David. The Pharisees
squash this by saying that Jesus's power comes from Beelzebub. 
  Jesus says this is ridiculous. Here's his logic: if his power came from Satan and
he (Jesus) drove out demons, Satan would be destroying his own kingdom. Way
to think that one through, Pharisees.
 He drives the point home with the parable of The Strong Man.
 Using the images of a tree and its fruit, Jesus poses the question of how a
person could say good things if they're evil. If good tree equals good fruit, good
person equals good things, right?
 The scribes and Pharisees want a sign from Jesus. And guess what? He's not
going to give it to them. Instead, he references Jonah (you know, the guy with the
big fish) and says, "for three days and three nights the Son of Man will be in the
heart of the earth" (12:40). 
 Sounds cryptic. (Well, not to the people who've read the Bible, but hey, it wasn't
around back then.)
 To add insult to injury, Jesus remarks how an evil spirit will always return to a
person. And if the evil spirit comes home to find his dwelling (the person) clean,
he'll bring back friends to mess it all up again. That just puts the person in even
worse shape than before.
 But it's not all doom and gloom. When someone points out that Jesus's mother
and brothers are waiting to speak with him, Jesus replies, "Whoever does the will
of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother" (12:50).
 There he goes, redefining family.

The Inside Scoop chapter 13

 We start off another parable marathon with the one about
the sower.
 This time, Jesus lets the disciples know what's up with the all
the parables. See, the disciples are in the inner circle—that
means they get to know the secret of the kingdom of
heaven. Others won't be as lucky. Sure, they'll look and
hear, but they won't understand. Another one of Isaiah's
prophecies fulfilled.
 After getting the inside scoop on why Jesus is talking in
parables, he gives his disciples an explanation of the sower.
  Jesus continues traveling down the parable route with the
ones about the weeds among the wheat, the mustard seed,
and the yeast.
 And now for something completely different: another
prophecy is fulfilled by Jesus speaking in parables to the
crowds. And of course, only the disciples get to hear a play-
by-play explanation from Jesus. 
 Sticking with a good thing, Jesus continues with more
parables about the kingdom of heaven. He compares it to
treasure buried in a field, a pearl found by a merchant, and a
net thrown into the sea.
 Jesus questions if any of the disciples is picking up what he's
putting down. The disciples say they do, so Jesus decides
that it's time to bounce that popsicle palace.
 Back in his hometown of Nazareth, Jesus begins teaching in
the synagogue. This doesn't go over too well since everyone
knows who he is, and frankly, they just don't believe him.

Goodbye, John chapter 14

 King Herod Antipas (not the guy who tried to kill baby Jesus) hears
about Jesus through the grapevine and thinks that John the Baptist
has come back from the dead.
 Wait, what? When did John the Baptist die?
 This is how it goes down: John says that Herod shouldn't marry his
(Herod's) brother's wife, Herodias, and that just does not go over well
with Herod. 
 When his niece (Herodias's daughter) performs a dance for his
birthday, Herod promises her anything she wants. Bad move.
Herodias tells her daughter to ask for John's head on a platter.
 Literally. Herod doesn't want to do it, but he made a promise. And
that's how John the Baptist's head ended up on a platter.
 When Jesus hears about John's death, he goes off alone to process
the news. But crowds of people follow. Moved with pity, Jesus begins
to cure the sick.
 It gets late, and the disciples start dismissing the crowd so everyone
can go eat. But Jesus is on top of it—no need to scatter. 
 All Jesus needs is five loaves and two fish and BAM! Five thousand
men (plus women and children) are fed. Oh, and they end up with
twelve baskets of leftovers.
 Next up, the disciples take a boat ride without Jesus. But not wanting
to miss out on the fun, Jesus walks over to them...on the water. The
disciples are bewildered and Peter totally wants in on the miracle.
 Happy to oblige, Jesus tells Peter to join him on the water. And sure
enough, Peter actually starts walking on water out to where Jesus is.
That is, until his doubt kicks in and he begins to sink. 
 Obviously Jesus saves him, but he doesn't neglect to point out his
little faith. 
 By now, the entire boat is pretty convinced that they're chilling with
the Son of God.
 So the gang makes their way to Gennesaret. Jesus has a fan club
here, too, and people start to bring their sick to him.
 They're so into him that they'd be happy to touch even just a tassel of
his cloak.

We Wanna Start a Fight chapter 15

 The Pharisees and scribes want to know why Jesus is breaking tradition. Jesus's
answer: "Uh, you guys are breaking commandments to uphold tradition.
Hypocrites much?"
 Jesus goes on quoting some Isaiah, and now it's the Pharisees' turn to fulfill a
prophecy.
 To make his point and verbally slap the Pharisees in the face, Jesus tells the
crowd that it's not what goes in the mouth which defiles a person—it's what exits
the mouth. 
 Peter doesn't get it. 
 Jesus breaks it down by saying that everything we eat goes through the digestive
system. (Okay, so far so good.) But what comes out of our mouths (i.e., words),
comes from our hearts. Forget about breaking food laws; evil thoughts are what
we should be worried about.
 Later Jesus goes to Tyre and Sidon, and a Canaanite woman comes over to him
and begs him to take pity on her possessed daughter. Yeah, except Jesus only
came for Israel…so too bad, lady.
 But this woman won't take no for an answer. She says even dogs eat the crumbs
that fall from the Master's table. (Kind of reminds us of that whole not giving holy
stuff to dogs thing in Chapter 7.) Deep. Jesus is impressed. And thanks to the
woman's faith, her daughter is healed.
 Then Jesus moves on to the Sea of Galilee where he goes on a massive healing
binge. Lame? Blind? Deformed? Mute? No problem.
 Three days later and the huge crowd is still hanging with Jesus. Stomachs are
starting to rumble, and he doesn't want to send them away hungry. With only
seven loaves and a few fish, Jesus feeds four thousand men (plus women and
children) and still has seven baskets of leftovers. Someone needs to get this guy
on Top Chef.
 Time for Jesus to hit the road (er, boat) again—this time, he's off to Magadan.