We’ve been robbed of our Englishness

by Jeremy Clarkson, The Sunday Times, 25 November 2007

As the nation settled down on Wednesday night to watch England play Croatia, I sensed an air of optimism
5in the land. A feeling that all would be well. I mean hey, England were holding their own against Brazil when
Croatia didn’t even exist as a nation state. So what chance would these swarthy-looking Yugo-ruffians
have? They were minnows in a tank of sharks. They weren’t going to be beaten. They were going to be
eaten.
Hmmm. I’m afraid I knew we were going to lose moments before the match began. I looked at our players
10mumbling their way through the national anthem and realised they didn’t really care about playing for
England. Because they don’t really know what England is. And truth be told, neither do I.

When I was their age it was crystal clear. Newspapers would report: “Fog in the Channel: Europe cut off.”
Peter Ustinov would arrive at JFK airport and, having studied the signs saying “US citizens” and “Aliens”,
he’d ask a security guard where the British should go. We were separate, different, better.

15We had hardback dark blue passports with a personal message from the Queen on the inside cover
“requiring” that foreign border guards allow the bearer to do whatever he or she pleased without let or
hindrance. Slap one of those down on a Frenchman’s desk and the crack of invitation grade cardboard
would have the greasy little oik sitting up straight; that’s for sure.

We had saved the world from tyranny so often we’d lost count; we’d brought decency, truth and cricket to
20every continent and every coral pinprick. We’d sailed iron steamships into America when they were still
using coracles. We were defined by our brilliance, our superiority, our technical know-how.

Today, things are rather different. […]

I believe people need to feel like they’re part of a gang, part of a tribe. And I also believe we need to feel
pride in our gang. But all we ever hear now is that we in England have nothing to be proud about. In a
25world of righteousness we are the child molesters and rapists.

Our soldiers were murderers. Our empire builders were thieves. Our class system was ridiculous and our
industrial revolution set in motion a chain of events that, eventually, will kill every polar bear in the Arctic.
[…]

Do you see? We can’t be proud of our past because it’s all bad, we can’t use British humour because it’s
30offensive and we can’t use understatement to deal with a crisis because the army of state-sponsored
counsellors say we’ve got to sob uncontrollably at every small thing.

I want to end with a question. It’s addressed to all the equal opportunity, human rights, diet carbon, back
room, bleeding heart liberals who advise the government: “I am English. Why is that a good thing?”

I bet they don’t have an answer. And until they can come up with one, chances are we’ll never win at
35football again.
(497 words)

Annotations:

rob sb. of sth. – jmd. um etwas betrügen; 4 swarthy looking – having a dark skin; 4 Yugo-ruffian – offensive phrase
meaning aviolent criminal from Yogoslavia; 4 minnow – a small fish; 8 truth be told – to be honest; 9 the Channel –
the English Channel between England and France; 10 Peter Ustinov – (1921-2004) English actor, writer and comedian;
10 JFK airport - John F. Kennedy International Airport, New York City; 13 bearer - Inhaber; 13/14 without let and
hindrance – ungehindert; 14/15 invitation grade cardboard – here: the British passport; 15 oik – rowdy; 17 coral
pinprick – very small island; 21 gang – here: a larger group of people who share the same values (not criminal); 30 diet
carbon – sb. who tries to reduce the production of carbon dioxide