Non compos mentis

SPECIAL

CADS REPORT

MAY( AN)

ISSUE 2012

Dutch and UK news oddities from both sides of our cod-less pond

Last opportunity to enjoy CADS lunch (and your life).

MAYANS TO END PREDICTIONS WHEN WORLD ENDS DURING CADS LUNCH ON MAY 25, 2012.

Queen not amused by CADS May(an) prediction:

"One was so looking forward to one's flotilla and ice cream."

Mayan union to consider ending world after the port has been served during CADS Lunch. Page 60

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK and the Netherlands from anonymous news sources.

Special Bumper MAY (AN) Issue

Last opportunity to enjoy CADS Lunch before world ends.
END OF THE WORLD CADS LUNCH MENU Acultivated digression from the politics of the office,a sunny terrace in the crude storm of the everyday, if the Mayans are right this may well be your last opportunity to enjoy the sublime culinary pleasures of our monthly CADS lunch. Book now to avoid disappointment. SPECIAL END OF WORLD SPEAKER The special end-of-the-word guest speaker is Wout van der Toorn OBE, who will be talking about his new book, The Logbook of The Low Countries. Come along and enjoy your last meal before you are boiled in brine and brimstone and taken to meet the big guy upstairs. MAY(AN) AIR INTRODUCE DIRECT FLIGHTS TO END OF WORLD. Special one-way deals have been arranged for CADS members and their guests. Enjoy the flight of your life as you witness the end of the world from the comfort of your cramped MAY(AN) AIR seat.
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CLEGGS BRAIN HOLDS SECRET TO DEMENTIA

When world ends dont stand next to a fan

Learning a second language and speaking it regularly can improve your cognitive skills and delay the onset of dementia, according to researchers who compared bilingual individuals with people who spoke only one language. Which is good news for fans of Nick Cleggs brain. He speaks DUTCH TO HIS SPANISH WIFE, RUSSIAN TO HIS GERMAN SPIN DOCTOR AND INDONESIAN TO HIS YORKSHIRE CONSTITUENTS. AND ON A HAPPIER NOTE: The man who stole all the world 's money is sorry for the inconvenience caused and promises not to do it again.

STOP PRESS: DISNEY WORLD ATHENS TO OPEN WORLDS MOST SCARIEST RIDE: THE EURO SLIDE

STOP PRESS: DISNEY WORLD ATHENS TO OPEN WORLDS MOST SCARIEST RIDE:

THE EURO SLIDE

OTHER NEWS:
IT'S OFFICIAL. YOU CAN SWEAR AT DUTCH POLICEMEN. Is it okay to call a policeman an antf******? The high court says. A homeless man has been cleared by the High Court of insulting a police officer by calling him a mierenneuker - literally ant-fucker - a term used in popular speech to describe people who stick obsessively to the rules. Plane lands at Schiphol's runway five and takes one week to travel to gate. PASSENGERS TAKE TWO YEARS TO WALK FROM GATE TO PASSPORT CONTROL. Schiphol Airport passengers take two years to walk from gate D6004 to passport control. Passport checks take one week, then luggage takes further month to appear on carousal. "At least the toilets were clean," says passenger.
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The freefall acceleration is mindumbing and affects people in different ways say the architects. It really depends which European country you are from. Swiss and UK residents are the least scared, while the Greeks, Italians and Spanish definitely need sick bags

RIDE TO BE OPENED BY EX-CHANCELLOR NORMAN LAMONT

Dance floor tycoon Mike Waters and his new flooring sweep the ladies off their feet at the CADS Jubilee Ball.

Our Gary (Centre) to play renowned fugitive Czech Resistance leader Victor Laszlo.

CADABLANCA Lay it again Mike

Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman lookalikes spotted by blind talent spotter at CADS Jubilee Ball and asked to star in remake of Casablanca. New film tentatively called CADABLANCA.

Of all the dance floors in the world you had to step onto mine

Corner MAY(AN) Issue 2012 Chairmans

The Battle of Britain, the sight and sound of the worlds favourite fighter performing aerobatics, and new insights into the challenges of flying the Spitfire These were the benefits accruing to members who attended the April lunch.
Air Commodore Chris Lorraine Air Commodore Chris Lorraine gave us a very entertaining talk which in a very short time covered subjects including piano destruction and debagging (ask Alistair!), running the Dutch military aviation airspace organisation, and flying the one remaining Dutch RAF Spitfire. The pants about taking off and landing a Spitfire Amongst other points, we learned that taking off requires pilots to have 3, and preferably 4 hands, in order to hold onto the control stick (1) whilst getting the wheels up (1), and closing the canopy (2). Landing requires the pilot to have a third eye located 2 metres above the canopy roof to see what is in front of the plane, and some sensitivity in the seat of the pants to avoid the rear of the plane overtaking the front whilst braking. Failure to manage this successfully invariably results in the plane stopping with its propellor buried in the ground, at which point the seat of the pants changes colour. Patriotically Sue Bennion won a bottle of Beefeater London gin as she was deemed the most patriotically dressed, the reason for this being that we were celebrating St George, the patron saint of England.

by MIKE
St George and the CADS Lunch

WATERS

The CADS Jubilee Ball raised 555 Euros

Last weekend we had a most enjoyable Diamond Jubilee ball. We had a lot of fun, and raised 555 Euros in the raffle, which will be split between Stichting Jarige Job and The Lymphoma Association. We danced until midnight to the sultry sounds of Jazzterix, and their female vocalist, with the new CADS dance floor (dont ask) at times completely full

St George was Syrian by birth, with a Turkish father and a wealthy Palestinian mother, and it is unlikely he ever visited England. The perfect choice for a patron saint! He is also patron saint of Georgia, Egypt, Bulgaria, Aragon, Catalonia, Romania, Ethiopia, Greece, India, Iraq, Lithuania, Palestine, Portugal, Serbia, Ukraine and Russia. He never slew a dragon, but was a successful officer in the Disneys new Euro Slide Roman army; there he professed his Christian faith for which he was martyred by EmIn the wider world the Euro peror Diocletian on the 23rd April 303, allowcontinues its slow slide, ing us to celebrate his demise every April. dragged down by Europes collective ability to throw good The Logbook of The Low Countries. money after bad to countries Next Friday Wout van der Toorn OBE will addicted to debt and in more come to the lunch to tell us all about his new than one case openly advocatbook, The Logbook of The Low Countries. ing they have no intention to Come along and enjoy an excellent lunch, and repay what they are loaned the opportunity to learn more about the past (but can we have another history between the Dutch and the British 100bn next month). (and others). Well, we are not yet at that juncture, but we must work harder to realise a just and sustainable future for ourselves and our childrensee you next Friday! As Paul Claudel said after Hitler annexed the Sudetenland In the short space of time that remains to us after the crisis and before the catastrophe, let us drink a glass of champagne.