Non compos mentis

CADS REPORT
Sorry! Mummy is sick and Ive never done this before.

MARCH

ISSUE 2013

Dutch and UK news oddities from both sides of our cod-less pond

Ouch!

Do you like my Elvis wig?

Ouch!

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK and the Netherlands from anonymous news sources.

Summer of Cricket
Dutch XI vs South Africa ODI
@VRA Cricket ground (ABN AMRO International Cricket Centre) Friday May 23,2013, 11am to 7pm
Cricket Netherlands (KNCB) is delighted to announce that following negotiations withCricket South Africa (CSA) the South African Castle Lager ODI squad will be touring the Netherlands in May in preparation for the 2013 ICC Champions Trophy to be played in England and Wales during June.

Holland vs South Africa

Lets march over there after CADS lunch

We are looking forward to having some of the household names of world cricket on our doorstep and will be announcing hospitality and ticketing details shortly.
TICKETS AVAILABLEFrom Tuesday, March 5
Online tickets: http://www.kncb.nl/index.php?option=com_k2&view=ite m&layout=item&id=2498&Itemid=512 Admission for children under 14 is free for all matches. PRE SALE 25 AT THE GATE 30 1

Oddly Enough Anglo Dutch News

Scrap the criminals' favourite 500 note, say Labour MPs
Dutch News -- The 500 note should be scrapped because it is
mainly used by criminals, Labour politicians say in Mondays Telegraaf. The 500 note threatens to become an international drugs currency, Labour MP Henk Nijboer told the paper. They will soon be using it more often in South America than in Europe money which no-one uses to pay for anything is not proper currency.

Fancy a romantic weekend in prison Asil?

Amsterdam prostitute twins retire at 70 after 50 years and 355,000men

Dutch News Two twin sister pensioners have decided to
retire as prostitutes after half a century in the sex trade, having slept with 355,000 men between them. Louise and Martine Fokkens are both 70 years old. Mother-of-four Louise admitted that her arthritis means some positions are now too painful.

Dutch prison turned into modern luxury hotel

country's most feared prisons. Today its a luxury hotel. The 105 prisoner cells have been turned into 40 rooms all of which boast modern furnishings, air conditioning, a at screen TV and free Wi-Fi. The prison also includes a sauna, tness centre, olive trees and an organic herb garden.

The Daily Mail Het Arresthuis was said to be one of the

Asil Nadir is said to be interested in staying...as long as he can use up his 500 notes 2

Oddly Enough Global News

Fresh from his trip to North Korea, Dennis Rodman arrives in Vatican to campaign for first black Pope although hes not sure who heis
Dennis Rodman headed to the Vatican to lead a charm offensive for Cardinal Peter Turkson to be elected as the next Pope, although the former basketball star raised eyebrows by appearing to be unsure about exactly who the Ghanaian is. When asked about the man he was purported to supporting he responded From Africa right?, which didnt go too far in convincing the cardinals to vote for the first black Pope for more than 1,500 years. His efforts were ultimately unsuccessful as Pope Francis I can testify.

Plucky parrot pulls on jumper after pulling outfeathers

Charlie the parrot sports a natty jumper knitted by his owner to keep him warm after he plucked out his own feathers. The green eclectus parrot was rescued by Safehaven, a bird charity with a base in Nottinghamshire and he now lives with its co-ordinator Rebecca Blagg. He had almost starved to death and had plucked out its own feathers in desperation, leaving him resembling an oven ready chicken when the charity found him.

Human statue springs to life to punch annoying joker inface

A human statue sprang to life when he punched a member of the public in the face for annoying him. The jester, who is probably still nursing a sore face, will think twice before bothering another street performer after the incident at an Australian beach resortwas posted on YouTube.
3

Full-scale replica of the House of Commons up for sale oneBay

Order! Order!
A full-scale replica of the House of Commons has been put up for sale by a film studio which is having a bit of a clear-out. The 460 sq m (5,000 sq ft) set, in which Meryl Streep played Margaret Thatcher in the The Iron Lady, is on eBay. Lord Almalo

Corner March Issue 2013 Chairmans

Friends, Amsterdammers, fellow CADS.
After last months witty and motivational speech from Dr Willem about the new Scheepsvaartmuseum (do go and see it, its great!), we have a change of pace and subject this month.

by WATERS
MIKE
And a major rap across the knuckles for NS. Since obtaining an OV card my expenses for Dutch rail travel have tripled. In order to understand this I had to visit the travel desk at Schiphol, which I did on the way from London last evening. They cheerfully informed me that due to system difculties, and my own learning curve of touching in and out correctly, they have managed to charge me a penalty fare of 20 Euros additional for each and every journey Ive made to date this year >>>

Dont forget that we are a week early (22nd).

Wullie MacMorland, who organises the Alkmaar Whisky Festival each year, and owns the Hielander restaurant, is coming to talk to us about the water of life. Uisge beatha in Gaelic. (Whisky to us sassenachs). Dont bring your car!

LORD AND LADY ALMELO Mike and Jean went to the palace, and Mike managed to recruit Princess Anne as a future guest speaker (it runs just like a London club, Maam). Note that on May 7th we are all going to the ambassadors residence for an evening reception to celebrate. He has kindly loaned us the use of his reception room for the event, and we will be sending details around shortly. Dont miss it
Last Monday, the CADS committee was invited to a reception on board HMS St Albans, which visited Amsterdam for 2 days R&R before returning to Portsmouth for her first refit. She is a type 23 frigate, a relatively small but very businesslike warship armed with both ship killing and cruise missiles. She has more punch than any of the older battleship or cruiser classes. Her principal role is submarine detection and destruction, using long towed arrays of passive sonar, backed up by active buoys dropped by her helicopter. During the reception it was noted that Anglo-Dutch trade is growing rapidly, and we are now number 3 in the rank of countries for UK exports. Is this the Nick Clegg effect? I think rather more the Paul Arkwright effect, together with his team and particularly our member Mark Ashwell. So do congratulate him when you next see him. The result is they defraud their customers, and keep it quiet unless you check. Then only refund monies at their own discretion if you write to them with the evidence using snailmail. I have offered them the use of the London Oystercard team to help them improve. In the meantime the message is clear. Dont use the OV card to travel, and if you absolutely must, then ensure you perform a 100% audit!!!