Non compos mentis

CADS REPORT
Not many for CADS lunch this week dear!

FEB

ISSUE 2013

Dutch and UK news oddities from both sides of our cod-less pond

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK and the Netherlands from anonymous news sources.

OBITUARY
Gerard J. Metzelaar Honory CAD no. 1
When Mike Waters asked me to put together a few words about Metz my first thought was panic, Ive never done an obituary before and my second was OK, it cant be too hard! How wrong can you be? Ive called everyone I can think of and got almost no more information than I had to start with. What can I tell you, Gerard was 95 when he died (it looks like its a good thing being an Hon CAD. the last funeral I went to was Albert Milhados an honorary founder member and he was 94). Gerard founded CADS in 1972 together with the British Consul-General at the time (Albert H. Hughes OBE) and a few anglophile businessmen. When I mentioned this at Metzs funeral everybody said Oh, thats normal; whenever he saw there was a need for a society or a club, he just started one!. He was always a very keen supporter of CADS and made a point of always welcoming new members and making them feel at home. I only became Chairman because he proposed me and I shall be eternally grateful for him seeing something in me that I had never seen in myself. Once I became Chairman he sat near me for the first few lunches, passing helpful comments (dont talk too quickly) and guiding me where necessary; he was very helpful. He was a very gentle man, in all meanings of the term. Jean tells me that whenever he came to CADS in recent years she would sit with him and have a quiet chat which they both enjoyed. The most common comment I have had about Metz in the last few days was nice guy. I think that sums him up perfectly. Goodbye Metz and thanks for everything. Michael D. Carn Hon. CAD no. 7. 1

Oddly Enough Anglo Dutch News

Prince Charles Sends Mom Links About Dutch Queens Abdication
Buck House -- "Not to impose any ideas, but she is twelve years younger than you are, you know ... mommy", wrote Prince of Wales.

Giant Rubber Duck Floats Around The World

Fantash-tic Dootch Football Cloob

DISASTROUS England coach Steve McClaren has picked up a bizarre Dutch accent - weeks after moving to the Netherlands. Seemingly unaware that most people in the Netherlands speak perfect English, he pronounced "club" as "cloob" and Dutch as "Dootch". He rambled on: "Big games, Champions League, Arsenal at home, the Emirates, will be fantash-tic for the players. We are not just, what you call, underdogs, we are massh-ive underdogs."

AmsterdamIt's hard to feel blue when you see an 85-foot-tall yellow rubber duckie. Well, that's the theory of Dutch artist Flortijn Hofman, who is putting it to the test by sending an inflatable rubber duck of that size on a five-year mission around the globe -- including, so far, Auckland, New Zealand; Osaka, Japan; and France's Loire Valley.

Dutch priest displays photo of Church quitter

Actual photo with the article>>>
"This is a large parish, and I don't known everyone: by putting up the photo I thought someone might recognise him and try to make him stay in the Church," the priest told CADS on Tuesday.

Two Dutch television hosts have undergone simulated labour pains in order to better learn the pain women go through during childbirth..
Amsterdamhosts of a show called Guinea Pigs in the Netherlands went through two hours of 'contractions' recreated by electrodes attached to their abdomens. Afterwards they simulated being new fathers with 10 glasses if Heineken and a large cigar.
2

Oddly Enough Global News

Pope Benedict Resignation Bombshell:
VATICAN CITY For an institution devoted to eternal light, the Vatican has shown itself to be a master of smokescreens since Pope Benedict XVI's shock resignation announcement.

IDENTIFIED: Strange Shiny Object Found On Mars

The Vatican justifies itself by arguing that its officials are holders of the divine truth, unaccountable to worldly laws. We can acknowledge, however, that it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he wants to spend more time with his Mexican hat collection.

NASA's Mars rover Curiosity has photographed a shiny, metallic-looking object that bears a passing resemblance to a door handle or a hood ornament. Cameras on the 1.5billion Curiosity spotted the mysterious object while it prepared to take its first soil sample. But experts suspect the object is much more likely to be an early version of the Mike Hayes Jokathon Trophy, proving once and for all that there is humour on Mars.

Horse meat scandal: Limited edition Findus beef lasagne for sale oneBay
A practical joker is attempting to cash in on the horse meat scandal after listing a limited edition Findus beef lasagne for sale on eBay. The innovative salesperson priced the frozen ready meal at 70, urging bidders on the online auction site to act fast to secure the item which is no longer on sale in shops.

Tinnitus lady has How Much Is That Doggie In The Window stuck in her head for threeyears
They say the devil has all the best tunes but if he was looking for a really bad one to inflict on sinners in hell, (How Much Is) That Doggie In The Window would have to be up there.

Corner Feb Issue 2013 Chairmans

Hello sailors! This month we have a nautical theme. Dr Willem Bijleveld, who some may remember as a fellow member, is coming to talk to us. Formerly responsible for the Madame Tussauds museum, he is now algemeen directeur of the Scheepsvartmuseum If Willems talk enthuses you for things nautical, you may like to know there are plans for a Royal Navy ship to visit Amsterdam later in the year, and we are discussing with them the possibility of inviting all CADS members to a reception on board.

by WATERS
MIKE
Amongst other news this month, several more corrupt police ofcers have been arrested by the team investigating phone hacking, and former Liberal cabinet minister Chris Huhne pleaded guilty to perverting the course of justice and is now awaiting a custodial sentence following the example set by former Tory minister Jonathan Aitken. If you hadnt heard of Chris Huhne before, hes the guy who stood as Liberal party leader in 2007 and was beaten by a whisker by a young upstart called Nick Clegg. Finally, for those of you following Asil Nadirs case, you might like to know he is now asking for a transfer to serve the rest of his 10-year sentence in Cyprus perhaps on his large and luxurious estate?

In other news, Lord and Lady Almelo are off to Buck House next month to see HM. We want to give them a good send off, and are also planning a celebratory event later in the year so that medals can be worn Amongst the continuing tragedies and poor results there was some excellent news this month. Exports from the UK to The Netherlands are up, and based on provisional results we rank once again as the 3rd largest trading partner with the UK, just a whisker ahead of the dreaded France, who (see figure on next page). held the position in 2011. To bolster and build on this, and help a few of the 200,000 British SMEs who have never exported anything, member Benno Pieters and his partner have published a new book on how to start exporting to Europe without spending a fortune. Do take a look at it.

Apparently the deal is possible; if he pays back 5m GBP of the 150m GBP he stole.
CADS CHAIRMAN TO ROB BANK. Personally I like the logic, and am planning a major bank heist in London. When I successfully steal 150m GBP, and in the unlikely event that the Met has sufficient officers not yet in jail themselves that happen to catch me and get me to trial, I can buy a get out of jail free card for less than 3% of the proceeds.

Asil Nadirs defence team cost 1m GBP last year, on top of similar prosecution costs. All funded by UK taxpayers, as Mr Nadir has no assets.

Benno will have a few copies for sale at the lunch.

Where UK's exports go