© 2017 Girls Chase Inc. All rights reserved.

2
This handbook reviews everything in
One Date and puts it all in one easy-
to-skim place.

Included in this book are key points

and examples from the videos
covering all core concepts,
mindsets, and tactics, as
well as the homework
from each lesson.
3
You don’t have to read this book
front-to-back. Though you can if
your aim is the firmest grip on the
material possible.

You may also use this book for

review, or to brush up on
the material any time you
prefer text to video.

4
Chase Amante ranks among the best known dating experts in the world. His website,
GirlsChase.com, is the highest traffic men’s dating advice site on the Internet. Each
month, it receives over 1.2 million visitors. Chase has personally worked with tens of
thousands of students over the past 10 years.

Chase’s advice centers on scientifically sound principles that work in the field with live
women. He focuses on natural, intuitive process that are simple to use and practical.
Concepts he has named and developed include:

•  The Deep Dive

•  Chase Framing
•  Pre-Opening
•  The Law of Least Effort
•  The SAC Model
•  The One Date Method

One Date and The Dating Artisan contain Chase’s complete method for meeting and
dating women. The two together combine 1092 scientific references on dating.
5
Attraction is a draw toward someone. It is a desire to be with someone, to
know that person. Perhaps to touch or be intimate with that person.

The following factors determine your attractiveness to women:

1.  Fundamentals: your hair, face, physique, height, fashion, movement,

composure, expressions, and more.

2.  Game: your conversational ability, social maneuvering, social savvy,

logistics handling, leadership, tactics, and the like.

3.  Environment: your own mate value vs. that of the other men around you.
How well-liked you are socially. Whether she sees other attractive women
with you. And other factors in the environment that compete for her
attention (like loud noises or dramatic spectacles).

Lesson 1 7
If three women like a man, does that
mean three other women will too?

Not necessarily. There are many

things you can do that raise your
attractiveness in general. Yet just
because one woman likes a man
doesn’t mean another will.

Women have different tastes,

preferences, and respond to
different things. Further, you may do
great with one girl, and muck it up
with the next. Even identical women
can come away with very different
opinions of you.

Lesson 1 8
Yet, the more you improve your
game and fundamentals, the more
you will increase your percentages
with women... and find that more
women are attracted more strongly
to you, more of the time.*
Lesson 1 * Renninger, Wade, & Grammar, 2004 9
Think of your fundamentals as “passive value.” This
includes gestures, posture, body movement, eye contact,
etc.* As you improve your fundamentals, you improve
your overall resting value and attractiveness to women.

When we talk about value, we will usually talk about

fundamentals. There are other non-fundamental forms of
value, like social connections or the ability to help
someone find work. But when we talk about “value” and
attraction, we’ll usually mean fundamentals.

Lesson 1 * Hugill, Fink, & Neave, 2010 10

Here are just some of your fundamentals:
•  Your hairstyle •  Your physique
•  Your facial hair •  Your fashion
•  Your eye contact •  Your walk
•  Your face shape •  Your movement
•  Facial expressions •  Your voice
•  Body language •  Your posture
•  Your mannerisms •  Your social power
Lesson 1 11
It’s important to realize that almost everything
involved in your “looks” is improvable. You can’t
change height, facial structure, or skin color. But
everything else is almost infinitely adjustable.

Better still, all the stuff you can adjust counts for a LOT
when it comes to not just looks, but how “put together”
you look and feel to women. This feeling is ultimately a
bigger part of how valuable you seem than base physical
features are. Women are more attracted to commanding
men than they are to pretty boys.

Lesson 1 12
The idea that you can “talk your way into
her pants” if you say the right things is
intoxicating... but often misleading.

At higher levels of ability, you can use the

spoken word in almost hypnotic fashion.
But the men who do this all possess
tight fundamentals and exceptional
game.

You must handle those aspects first before

you look for words to have major
seductive impact on women. The more
attractive you make yourself, the easier it
gets to persuade.*
People date others who are similarly attractive to
them.* This is yet another reason why
fundamentals are so essential.

Poor vs. great fundamentals is the difference

between dating a 5 and dating a 9 on a 10-point
scale. The better your fundamentals are, the more
easily you “unlock” more attractive women.

Lesson 1 * Kalick & Hamilton, 1986 14

Different fundamentals (like voice, appearance,
how you walk*, etc.) say different things about
aspects of you women care about, like your
personality, emotions, and health.†

This is one very important reason to round

out all your fundamentals. Each fundamental
sends different messages about not just what
you look and sound like, but who you are.

Lesson 1 * Montepare, Goldstein, & Clausen, 1987 | † Kramer, Gottwald, Dixon, & Ward, 2012 15
 The four (4) fundamental
categories are:

1.  Body fundamentals

2.  Vocal fundamentals
3.  Social fundamentals
4.  Fashion fundamentals

Lesson 1 16
Body fundamentals can be roughly ranked in this order:

1.  Eye contact: dominant, sexy, confident

2.  Movement speed: slow and deliberate
3.  Touch: confident touching others
4.  Posture: straight back, squared shoulders
5.  Attention: focused and intense when engaged
6.  Facial expressions: most importantly, smile
7.  Body weight: not terribly overweight
8.  Mannerisms: attractive mannerisms, no tics
9.  Physique: either muscular, or lean
10.  Facial hair: attractive, sexy facial hair
11.  Hair: an attractive hairstyle and good hair length
12.  Walk: gunslinger walk or male model walk

Lesson 1 17
Some easy adjustments to make:
•  Practice making and •  Start touching others
maintaining eye contact more often (don’t look at
with others your hand as you touch)

•  Practice moving more •  Keep your posture

slowly and deliberately excellent at all times

•  Get used to smiling at •  Focus intently on others

“hello”; use both warm when speaking or
and sexy smiles listening to them
Lesson 1 18
 Chief characteristics of good posture:

1.  A straight back

2.  Squared shoulders
3.  Chin held parallel to ground
4.  Feet pointing in same direction
5.  Both feet shoulder-width apart

Posture is a signal of attractive, successful

males* (and women treat it as such). Good
posture also increases men’s self-confidence,
and makes good feedback feel better.†

Lesson 1 * Weisfeld & Beresford, 1982 | † Riskind & Gotay, 1982; Roberts, & Arefi-Afshar, 2007 19
Having expansive posture that takes up space makes you
appear significantly more powerful* and attractive†. It
also makes others move toward and align themselves with
your views and opinions.‡

Don’t bunch yourself up, huddle close, or scrunch your

shoulders. Don’t do anything that makes you look small,
scared, or insignificant (it’s unattractive).§

Women are attracted to men who appear powerful. So,

take up space – and look powerful.
* Henley, 1977; Alcock, 1993 | † Vacharkulksemsuk, et al., 2016
Lesson 1 20
‡ McGinley, LeFevre, & McGinley, 1975 | § Goffman, 1961; Archer & Burleson, 1980; Schlenker, 1980
Hand gestures display social
power. The more you use them, the
better. And the more expressive
they are, the better.*

One specific way to use gestures

is to place your hands palms up.
The display of your palms shows
agreeableness and openness.†
Speakers who use open body movements and don’t “cross off” their
torsos with arms or legs come across more potent, active, and
persuasive.* Slow movement in general looks more deliberate; the
man who uses it shows himself in conscious control.†

Remember to use firm gestures, too. Men “encode” risk-taking

behavior in their body motions.‡ She can tell how much (or not) of a
risk-taker you are simply by watching you move.

You will in particular want to train out nervous tics. Tics are a habit,
like anything else, and can be unlearned. However, while you have
them, they serve as a sign of high social anxiety or low social power§...
And cost you respect from guys and attraction from gals.

* Mehrabian, 1972 | † Caruso, Burns, & Converse, 2016 | ‡ Oberzaucher & Grammer, 2008
Lesson 1 22
§ Castles, Whiten, & Aureli, 1999
People can tell from your walk alone how you think of yourself and
what your personality is likely like.* People with youthful walks seem
more powerful and happier than those with older walks, regardless of
actual ages.† Walks are so characteristic that people who know you can
spot you from afar by seeing your walk.‡

The two walks I suggest you adopt are either:

1.  The Gunslinger Walk, or

2.  The Male Model Walk

You can see examples of either walk on any video streaming service
(like YouTube). Type in “gunslinger” or “male model” and watch how
these men walk.

* Satchell, Morris, Millis, O’Reilly, Marshman, & Akehurst, 2016 | † Montepare & Zebrowitz-
Lesson 1 23
McArthur, 1998 | ‡ Stevenage, Nixon, & Vince, 1999
Teeth have a noticeable impact on attractiveness.* If your teeth
are yellow, crooked, gapped, or if any are missing, your
attractiveness goes down.

This isn’t a total deal breaker. There are Hollywood mega stars
with crooked, yellowed teeth. But it is something to pay some
attention to.

You can straighten teeth with braces. And you can whiten them
with home bleaching kits or laser bleaching at the dentist.
Caps/crowns are another option, if your teeth have uneven
shapes and you want to improve their appearance. I wouldn’t
obsess over teeth too much. Yet, it’s there if you need the edge.

Lesson 1 * Hillson, 1996; Kershaw, Newton, & Williams, 2008; Symons, 1995 24
Eye contact is one of the most
crucial fundamentals to get
down right away. Better eye
contact makes you seem more
attentive* and more intelligent†.
It makes women more likely to
choose you over other males.‡

Your eye contact establishes

you as confident, dominant§,
and interested in her – if your
eye contact is good.

* Norton & Pettegrew, 1979 | † Wheeler, Baron, Michell, & Ginsburg, 1979 | ‡ Stass & Willis, 1967 |
Lesson 1 25
§ Fromme & Beam, 1974; Strongman & Champness, 1968
 Up: dismissive break

Side: neutral break

Lesson 1
Down: submissive break
26
The only time a man should ever look down while making eye
contact with a woman:

If you are clearly dominant and sexy, and want to flirt with her
by acting shy.

This may get more women to come closer to you and act more
open to you. But you will still usually need to be the one to say
“hi.”

In most scenarios, it’s crucial you maintain eye contact. Held

eye contact communicates confidence and social experience*,
both highly attractive to women.
Lesson 1 * Libby, 1970 27
Your voice is in its own separate class of
fundamental, distinct from body fundamentals.

Voice is one of the most important

fundamentals you have. It tells women as much
about your attractiveness as your face.*
Some techniques for enhancing your voice:
•  Speak from the bottom of •  Clearly annunciate your
your chest to be more words: hit consonants
resonant hard

•  Make your vocal chords •  For crisp speech, focus on

vibrate more as you talk pronouncing every letter
to add a sexual “purr” in a word

•  Raise the back of your •  Speak slowly and do not

tongue off your hyoid rush your words out
Lesson 1 29
Social fundamentals are linked to your understanding and use of the
Law of Least Effort.

The Law of Least Effort states that how socially powerful a man seems
comes down to his amount of visible effort divided by his amount of
visible results. Humans are born optimizers.* Achieving optimal social
results is attractive.

A man who seems to exert a lot of effort but gets small outcomes looks
socially ineffective. Whereas a man who seems to do things almost
effortlessly, yet reaps large returns, appears powerful.

Keep in mind we are talking about the appearance of effort and

results. You may work quite hard for your results, but if it looks
effortless, you seem mighty.

Lesson 1 * Ruvolo, Messinger, & Movellan, 2015 30

To reach the point where you are socially powerful, you have to try
various things socially and have them fall flat. Trial, failure, and
repetition is the only way to learn effective social skills.

Many men who “get” the Law of Least Effort do nothing, because they
don’t want to fail and looking “tryhard” or “uncool” from lots of effort
but little result. Yet the man who takes no action is a black box; he does
nothing, but gets nothing, too.

Remember this: the man who tries a lot and fails a lot does better
in dating than the man who does nothing. Even if he fails a lot, he
still succeeds sometimes. The man who takes no action never even
takes the first step toward success... And knows no success as a result.

Don’t hide behind the LLE. It is not an excuse for inaction.

Lesson 1 31
Don’t worry if you aren’t a social expert
yet. Some researchers believe social
competition is so complex that it’s the chief
reason humans have big brains in the first
place.*

So, some of this stuff takes a little time to

really get down. And nobody teaches it to
you. But on the flipside, no one is teaching
it to anybody else, either. This course is
designed to quickly give you an
enormous social advantage... and grow
your social fundamentals by leaps and
bounds in the process, too.
More detail on social power and fundamentals:
•  The less needy a man is, the •  Socially powerful men
more socially powerful he are inclusive, to a point
can be

•  Socially powerful men are •  Socially powerful men do

approvers and validators of not let others dictate
others where their focus will be
•  Nonverbal responses are
typically more powerful*, •  Social power is about
as they are less effortful both results and effort
Lesson 1 * Archer & Akert, 1977; Argyle, Alkema, & Gilmour, 1971 33
Men (and women) climb social ladders to achieve a higher social rank.

Ladder climbing behavior includes:

•  One-upping peers
•  Trying make oneself appear superior to a peer
•  Ingratiating oneself to the leader of the group
•  Or even challenging the group leader for leadership

Rank on the social ladder comes first and foremost from whom others
believe you are connected to.* As such, ladder climbers usually try to
please those above them, pass by their peers, and ignore or insult those
below them.

People work harder to improve their ranks when they know others are
ranking them†... Which is why you see this behavior most in rank-heavy
environments, like social circle or nightclubs.

Lesson 1 * Rivera, 2010 | † Kuhnen & Tymula, 2012 34

No one likes ladder climbers. Ladder-climbing behavior
is selfish. It strives to improve the lot of the individual at
the expense of the group.

Though they won’t like him, others may accept the

climber... if the climber does a good enough job protecting
himself from attack within the group.

Even still, they will typically look for ways to knock the
climber out of his position or exclude him from the group
and its activities. People are excellent judges of real
status*, and they tend to know when someone is faking.

Lesson 1 * Mast & Hall, 2004 35

Differences between climbers and the socially calibrated:
Ladder climbers: Socially calibrated individuals:
•  Talk about negative topics •  Build up others*
frequently and in inappropriate
situations •  Ignore minor faux pas
•  Try to tie unrelated jokes or •  Keep conversations upbeat
humor into the conversation
•  Allow conversation to progress
•  Belittle others or try to make
them look bad naturally
•  Butt into others’ conversations •  Enter and exit gracefully from
•  Don’t know when to leave conversation
•  Try to force rapport •  Use humor that stems from the
•  Brag or showboat conversation
Lesson 1 * Weisfeld & Weisfeld, 1984 36
Social power allows men who have it to take command of
social situations, often unopposed.

It is the ability to get what one wants socially and navigate

social hierarchies with ease and without offense.

Men with high social power face fewer cockblocking

attempts and interruptions. They receive more support
from women’s friends. And they can more easily pick
the women they want from groups they’re in without
anyone butting in.
Lesson 1 37
Other ways we’ll cover to build social power in future The
Dating Artisan lessons:

1.  Becoming a skilled conversationalist (see The Dating

Artisan, Module 2)

2.  Building social momentum (see The Dating Artisan,

Module 8)

3.  Establishing yourself as an authority or local celebrity

(see The Dating Artisan, Module 9)

Lesson 1 38
“Bringing the energy” is infusing a group you’re interacting with with
positive, energizing vitality.

The keys to doing this are:

1.  Controlling the flow of the conversation

–  Cut bad topics
–  Introduce positive and interesting topics
–  Speak energetically
2.  Being physically and verbally inclusive
–  Make your stories / talking interactive
–  Be physically warm
–  If you interrupt someone, return the conversation to him
3.  Leading the group or person you are with
–  Make decisions when this is needed
–  Cause movement among the people or group

Lesson 1 39
The more value you bring to a social interaction,
the faster others accept you and the more they let
you get away with.

Bringing the energy is one easy, efficient way to

add value to any group you’re with. The better
you become at bringing the energy, the better
you will integrate with all sorts of groups.

Lesson 1 40
“The clothes make the man.”

Fashion accentuates your physique, or conceals it.* It allows

you to highlight aspects of your personality, such as
confidence (attention-generating items), taste (attractive
items), and social savvy (understated items). And your
grooming has a huge impact on how capable and attractive you
seem.†

Fashion and grooming allow you to categorize yourself: as a

businessman, an artist, a rebel, a tough guy, a nerd, or any of a
number of other subgroups. Categorization like this makes it
easier for you to attract women looking for that “type” of guy.

Lesson 1 * Frith & Gleeson, 2004 | † Mack & Rainey, 1990 41

 Many men don’t learn fashion.
Most guys’ clothes are the
equivalent of the “nice guy
personality”: not interesting, not
complimentary, just “there”...
boring and merely satisfactory.

But with just a little fashion, a

man can stand out in a host of
good and attractive ways, just
like a man with an attractive
personality stands out.

Lesson 1 42
Some inexpensive ways to improve your fashion:
•  Wear smaller-sized clothes. •  Make sure outfits have
(I’m 6’ and wear American good contrast between
size small) items

•  Match shoe/belt colors •  … but also avoid wearing

outfits that are too “noisy”
•  Wear something red or
black* (the color red makes •  Pick a sexy “style identity”
you 26% sexier to women that makes it easy for
who are fertile†) women to categorize you

Lesson 1 * Elliot, et al., 2010; Roberts, Owen, & Havlicek, 2010 | † Prokop, Pazda, & Elliot, 2015 43
Change your hairstyle and you can look like a
completely different man.

A fashionable, sexy hairstyle, for instance, can

significantly improve your looks. It may make you 2
or 3 points hotter on a 10-point scale.

A bad hairstyle can impact your looks negatively in

the opposite direction. It can even make good-
looking men look unattractive.

Lesson 1 44
Hair length makes a huge difference in appearance:

Lesson 1 45
And this is just as true for men:

Lesson 1 46
Short hair suggests masculinity, and works best on
men with masculine looks and personalities.

Men without strong masculine presences should

avoid short hair. It can make these men seem boyish.
Lesson 1 47
Medium-length hair is the “safest” choice, as it
affords the most flexibility in styling, works in
most professional settings, and can partially
conceal a less developed masculine presence.

Lesson 1 48
Long hair is edgy hair, because it breaks social
norms (and most men can’t wear it due to work).

Long hair can make you very attractive, but if not

backed by masculinity risks making you feminine.
Lesson 1 49
Women’s preferences for hair length differ
according to their personalities. Conservative
women prefer men with shorter hair, while
liberal women prefer men with longer hair.*

Long hair polarizes more than any other hair

type:† some women love it, other women hate it.
And at least among women, long hair serves as
an indicator of good physical health.‡

Lesson 1 * Peterson & Curran, 1976 | † Pancer & Meindl, 1978 | ‡ Mesko & Bereczkei, 2004 50
Facial hair makes men appear*:

•  More charismatic
•  More intelligent / capable
•  Calmer / more in control
•  Higher status

… with stubble or light beards rating as the most sexually

attractive facial hair options for men.†

Also, for men with feminine faces: the heavier the beard, the
less of an impact on masculinity their face structures have.‡
* Reed & Blunk, 1990; Dixon & Vasey, 2012 | † Neave & Shields, 2008 | ‡ Sherlock, Tegg,
Lesson 1 51
Sulikowski, & Dixson, 2016
Full beards make you look*:

•  Extremely masculine
•  Established and mature
•  Older

Best for men in their 30s and older.

Lesson 1 * Neave & Shields, 2008 52

 Light beards make you
look*:

•  Edgy and manly

•  Interesting and novel
•  Like a bit of a wild card

Recommended for men

younger than mid-30s.
Lesson 1 * Neave & Shields, 2008 53
The moustache and goatee:

•  Extends the chin (good for weak chins)

•  Can be worn by dark-skinned men without being too
intimidating-looking

Lesson 1 54
 The chinstrap beard and soul
patch:

•  Appeals to women who

want “bad boys”

•  Appeals to women looking

for men in the “in crowd”

Recommended for men under

age 35.

Lesson 1 55
Benefits of stubble*:

•  Works with most looks

•  Sufficiently masculine
•  Not too intimidating

Works at any age.

Lesson 1 * Neave & Shields, 2008 56

For easy maintenance of facial hair (without
spending lots of time clipping with scissors), get
an electric beard trimmer.

Lesson 1 57
Various facial hair styles come in
and out of fashion. Following
current fashions will:

•  Attract women in that subculture

•  Make you hip/trendy
•  Make you youthful

Trend-following is best for men under 35.

Lesson 1 58
Men’s facial hair configurations, including clean shaven, grow more attractive as they
become rarer.*

Thus, when most men are clean shaven, facial hair is more attractive.

Conversely, when most men sport facial hair, clean shaven is more attractive.

Some trends of the past few centuries:

•  In the mid-1800s, sideburns were fashionable

•  Full beards became fashionable from 1870 to 1900
•  Moustaches came in vogue after 1900
•  In the 1890s, a full 90% of men had facial hair
•  By the 1970s, that figure had dropped to under 20%
•  In 2005, beards began to come into vogue again

Lesson 1 * Janif, Brooks, & Dixon, 2014 59

Facial hair – regarded as dominant, but less trustworthy – becomes
popular when there is an abundance of marriageable men.* Facial
hair is a way for a man to say, “There are plenty of guys you can trust
and marry. You should date me because I’m exciting.”

In contrast, men shave their facial hair in weak marriage markets where
women have difficulty securing commitment from men. Here, being
clean shaven serves as a signal to women that the clean shaven man is
trustworthy and marriageable.

So, if it seems like women are excited for bad boys around you, wear
facial hair. On the other hand, if there are too many single women and
women just want to marry as soon as possible, going clean shaven can
be a great way to advertise your stability and reliability in an unsafe
market.

Lesson 1 * Barber, 2001 60

Ways men can up their sex appeal:
•  Intense eye contact •  Vocal resonance
•  Touch her more •  Composed exterior
•  Slow movement •  Passion underneath
•  Enter her space •  Sexual innuendo
•  Sexy smiles / •  Break social norms
expressions •  Focus on her

Lesson 1 61
No man is born sexy.

But you can learn to be it.

It’s important to realize

that to become a sexually
appealing man, you must
focus on this and learn
this, same as you would
any other skill.

Lesson 1 62
Nonverbal communication is a powerful tool for social influence.* Women
in general are far better senders and readers of nonverbal signals than most
men are.† Women pick up on nonverbal, even if you think it’s subtle. Here are
a few signals you can use to increase sex appeal in your courtships:

•  The head tipping. Tilting your head to the side can be quite sexy. It
implies you are evaluating her and thinking... something... about her.

•  Bedroom eyes. Lower your eyelids and take your eyes out of focus as you
look at her. This is how people look at each other when they want to kiss or
go to bed.

•  Ear tap. Tap your ear when she is talking to you to tell her to lean in closer
or speak up. This is very sexual, as you command her nonverbally while
telling her you want her to lean in close.

Lesson 1 * Edinger & Patterson, 1983 | † Andersen, 1999; Hall, 1984; Hall & Halberstadt, 1981 63
 Women use nonverbal signals much more than men
do... and they use it most often to express
approval.* Women may also follow strategies or
“scripts” with their nonverbal behavior: they give
certain signals at certain points in the courtship, not
just in reaction to things you’ve said or done.†

Once more you develop your ability to read the

signs and signals women give you, the easier it
gets to know where to take the courtship and
when and how to move ahead with a girl. This
makes your courtships much smoother and much
easier... and much faster, too.

Lesson 1 * Lochman & Allen, 1981 | † Patterson, 1982 64

Smiling works best to disarm women you approach, to
remove any sense of threat.* However, smiling in and of
itself is NOT attractive – in fact, it’s the least attractive
facial expression for men.†

The takeaway is you should smile on approach if there’s

even a small chance she might not trust your intentions.
And smiling sporadically throughout an interaction can
make it clearer you’re on the same page with her.

However, don’t grin like an idiot throughout. Too much

smiling will make you less attractive, not more.

Lesson 1 * Brown, Palameta, & Moore, 2003; Penton-Voak & Chang, 2008 | † Tracy & Beall, 2011 65
One other benefit of smiling is its activation of her mirror neurons. All
human brains contain a group of brain cells called “mirror neurons.”
When you look at the face of another person, your mirror neurons
cause you to briefly flash the same emotion you see on her face onto
your face.*

This facial mimicking is more intense in women – women feel what

you feel even stronger than you feel what they do.†

The name for this mirroring of facial emotions is “emotional

contagion.” Basically, emotions are contagious. Thus, when you smile
– especially if it is a very genuine smile (even better, a “just about to
break out into laughter” smile) – she can “catch” some of those good
feelings off you.

Lesson 1 * Hatfield, Cacioppo, & Rapson, 1994 | † Lundqvist, 1995 66

The cute and sexy look, while sounding silly, can be exciting
and attractive to women... by displaying a playful mood.

This is a good “default” face, and can cause more women to

hover around hoping to talk to you if you wear it when resting
or not talking to anyone.

Lesson 1 67
Across the board, close
interpersonal distances are
associated with attraction.*

What men often do is sit or stand

farther away from women, inside
the “polite zone.” They do this to
not be too forward. But the actual
result is women feel less attracted
to them.

If you want more attraction, exit

the polite zone and get close to
her. Use proximity to increase her
desire for you.

Lesson 1 * Kleinke, 1972; Evans & Howard, 1973; Hayduk, 1978; Gifford, 1982 68
Men who are pursued by women:

•  Draw women in with attractive fundamentals

•  Make the initial moves to get women engaged
•  Share bits about themselves, but build intrigue
•  Encourage chasing by rewarding when girls chase
•  Discourage non-chasing by withdrawing attention
•  Gradually increase women’s investment levels
•  Keep their VAC well balanced

Lesson 1 69
Women rate men with Byronic
character flaws as more attractive than
equally handsome, yet unflawed,
peers.*

The heroes of Lord Byron’s romance

novels wore a series of “masks” to
conceal their “flaws.” These masks
were easily removed and the women
in the stories experienced a thrill of
discovery as they peeled back mask
after mask and sought to heal or tame Lord George Gordon Byron
the hero.†

Lesson 1 * Bogg & Ray, 2006 | † Thorslev, 1962; Jump, 1972; Bogg & Ray, 2002 70
The following traits are considered “Byronic”:
•  Arrogance
•  Cunning and adaptability
•  Cynicism
•  Disrespect of rank and privilege
•  Emotionally conflicted / moody
•  Distaste for social norms
•  A troubled past or tragedy
•  Intelligent and perceptive
•  Jaded, world-weariness
Lesson 1
•  Mystery, magnetism, charisma
•  Rebellious
•  Seductive/sexually attractive
•  Self-critical and introspective
•  Self-destructive
•  Socially and sexually dominant
•  Sophisticated and elegant
•  Struggling with integrity
•  Exiled, outcast, or an outlaw
71
Women are attracted to men with specific vulnerabilities.
Healthy vulnerability boosts attainability. It’s crucial to keep in
mind that “vulnerability” does not mean “weakness.”

For instance, a man who is physically weak is not more

attractive – he’s weak. However, a man who is emotionally
conflicted is more attractive, all other things equal.

An easy way to think about this is that women look for men
who are undervalued: high value men undervalued by
themselves or society, who because of this undervaluing are
more attainable for women.

Lesson 1 72
 This may seem like a lot to remember.
However, all you really need to remember are
three (3) little letters:

VAC (Value + Attainability + Compliance): a

formula for assessing attraction.*

The higher your value is to a woman, the

more balanced your attainability, and the
more invested she is (the more she’s
complied with you), the more attracted
to you she will be.

Lesson 1 * Drake, 2006 73

The VAC model comprises three parts:

A.  Value: how valuable you seem to her

B.  Attainability: how attainable you seem to her

C.  Compliance: how invested in you she feels

(don’t worry, we’ll get to SAC in great depth in the

next few lessons! First we need to cover VAC)
Lesson 1 74
Value breaks down into two categories.

1.  Universal value is value attractive across the board to women. This
includes fundamentals, fame, authority, preselection (where a woman sees
other women attracted to you), and the like.

2.  Specific value is value attractive to certain subtypes of women. For

instance, women who spend a lot of time on the beach, bleach their hair
blonde, tan, and have tattoos on their ankles or backs will find tanned,
muscular men with tattoos and surfer accents extremely attractive.
However, women from the professional world or women from an artistic
or outsider group may find tans, tattoos, and surfer accents less attractive,
or may even use these qualities to disqualify the men who possess them.

High value consists of honest signals of hard-to-possess qualities (that take

time and energy to develop) or unique, difficult-to-copy talents or resources.*

Lesson 1 * Miller, 2011; Zahavi & Zahavi, 1999 75

Attainability can be a tough concept to understand, but it’s one of the
most important to.

Attainability is simply whether a woman feels like she can get what
she wants from you... and how easily (or not) she feels she can get it.

When you are not attainable enough to a woman, your value becomes
invisible to her. Her ego protection mechanisms kick in and reassure
her that this man she can’t get isn’t one she’d want anyway.

Attainability’s effect is strongest with high value men. High value,

attainable men are the most liked of all men. High value, unattainable
men, on the other hand, are the least liked men.* As your value goes
up, it becomes increasingly important to make yourself more attainable.

Lesson 1 * Sigall & Aronson, 1969 76

Here’s another way to think about attainability: attraction can also be
broken down into capacity and willingness.* In this division:

•  If you have the capacity to facilitate her goals/needs, and you

demonstrate willingness to, she feels attraction

•  If you seem willing to satisfy her needs, yet you seem to lack the
capacity to, your attainability is too high and/or you are otherwise
low value, and she does not feel attraction

•  If you seem to have the capacity to satisfy her goals/needs, yet don’t
seem to be willing to, your attainability is too low, and she enters
auto-rejection (where she rejects you before you can reject her, to
protect her sense of self)

Lesson 1 * Montoya & Horton, 2013; Singh, Goh, Sankaran, & Bhullar, 2015 77
There is no upper bound to a man’s value. That’s
why rock stars, billionaires, and celebrities still have
no trouble sleeping with ordinary women (if they
want to); despite the huge value difference, so long
as they maintain their attainability they only benefit
by their value increasing.*

The only rule to keep in mind is the importance of

attainability. As value goes up, attainability goes
down. Let it slide too much and all that new value
you’ve acquired becomes invisible to her.

Lesson 1 * Walster, 1970 78

Compliance is a measure of how invested in you a woman is.

The more she complies with your requests, like:

•  “Give me your hand.”

•  “Tell me about yourself.”
•  “Let me have a sip of your drink.”
•  “Let’s move over there.”
•  “How about we take a seat.”
•  “Turn around, let me see your dress.”

… the more invested in you she becomes,

and the less likely to suddenly leave the
interaction or stop returning your texts or
calls.

Lesson 1 79
There are two common problems men encounter with attainability: they
are too attainable (too easy to get; no challenge), or they are not
attainable enough (too hard to get; unattainable).

When a man’s attainability is too high, he becomes no challenge to

get... and women get bored and lose interest. Just like you lose interest
in a girl who is too easy for you to get (the girl who chases after you
too hard and you start to feel a little turned off by her).

When a man’s attainability is too low, he becomes unattainable... and

women feel insulted and take steps to protect their egos from him
(auto-rejection). This is the same ego protection you experience when
you walk up to a beautiful girl, but she dismisses you without giving
you a shot: “Eh, she’s not a nice person. I wouldn’t want to date her
anyway.”

Lesson 1 80
Most men struggle to get investment, because they’re
afraid to ask women to do things for them. Most of the
time, men invest themselves (in hopes they’ll get sex).*

A guy will think, “This girl is barely even talking to me...

if I ask her to start to do stuff for me on top of that, she’ll
leave!”

Yet investment is key to attraction. Without this, you

will have real trouble with your connections with women.

Lesson 1 * Kruger, 2008 81

 Women are looking to feel something, above all.

They can be looking for different feelings at different

times. So it’s important to figure out what a woman is
looking to feel before you try to make her feel
something.

However, simply having the awareness that

women are looking to feel, and not simply
thinking you need to throw your relationship
résumé out there for a girl to approve or not
approve, puts you miles past most men.

Lesson 1 82
A woman wants a man who is a bit of a challenge.*

Not so much challenge that she gets frustrated and gives

up. But not so easy either that it feels like any woman
can get this guy.

Most men don’t challenge because they’re afraid if they

put up hurdles for girls, those girls will walk away.

Women take this as the man’s assessment of his own

value; essentially, by not challenging her at all, he is
saying, “I don’t think I’m valuable enough to make
women work for me.” Since no one knows his value as
well as he does, women will take his assessment for
what it is. They will trust his own low evaluation of
himself, and consider him undesirable. To avoid this,
you must challenge women more.

Lesson 1 * Whitchurch, Wilson, & Gilbert, 2010 83

Men’s mating strategies depend on how they view their mate value and
that of the girl they want to court. If there is a big difference in mate
value, where the man feels like he is significantly lower value than the
woman, his “mating sociometer” kicks in. He adopts a more
conservative approach to try to make up for his lower desirability... and
labors to show her what a stable, reliable provider he is.*

Unless you take the time to improve your fundamentals to match or

exceed the mate value of the women you want, you’ll forever take
the sociosexually restricted route to success with women. You’ll
forever be trying to make up for a mate value handicap by showing
what a good boyfriend or husband you’d make.

If, instead, you elevate your fundamentals, you can compete on mate
value – which does a far better job at getting you the women you want.

Lesson 1 * Penke & Denissen, 2008; Gomula, Nowak-Szczepanska, & Danel, 2014 84
 Most men put women on pedestals, which is a
way of saying they fictionalize women.

Men will see a pretty girl and imagine an

entire personality or life trajectory for her.
Usually this “fiction her” is nothing like her
actual personality or life. They will then
communicate this impression of her via their
behavior toward her.

For instance, a man sees a beautiful girl and

thinks she must be a chaste, virginal beauty.
So he treats her extra delicately, never acts
sexual around her (he doesn’t want to scare
her off), and pays for everything for her. She
will know right away how he sees her... And
she’ll know if it isn’t on point. And if it isn’t
on point, it’s going to feel weird (maybe even
a little scary).

Lesson 1 85
Women do not like being put on pedestals like this. They
know the man’s impression of them is unrealistic.

Sooner or later, he is going to realize they are not the

goddesses he thought they were, and that they are just
people. When he realizes this, his treatment of them will
change. His impression of them will plummet. And he may
even resent them for not measuring up to his expectations.

So women look for men who have a realistic impression of

what they are like, and who treat them like fellow human
beings, warts and all. Men who challenge them a bit, act
sexual around them, and don’t dote on or pamper them.

These men are attractive because the woman knows she is

getting something real... and because she knows she can
relax around men like this and not be resented for it the way
she often will be with men who idealize her.

Lesson 1 86
Once men set out to take women off the pedestal, it’s common for them
to go too far the other way, and become too much a challenge.

This hurts attainability and puts a lot of women into auto-rejection

(where they preemptively reject you out of fear you will reject or hurt
them).

However, this overcorrection is a necessary step to go through. It is

part of your transition from being too nice / too idealistic... to the
place where you are, like Goldilocks, “just right.” You’ll have to
spend a little time as a jerk to figure out where “just right” is, before
you’ll fully know where the boundaries are for how much challenging a
woman can take.

Lesson 1 87
Both romantic love and sex drive are motivation systems, not
emotions.* That means a woman can feel more or less motivated to
be with you based upon the reinforcement she receives (from you
and others).†

Thus it is extremely important that you are careful not to reward bad
behavior (e.g., she shows disinterest, so you chase her, try to buy her a
drink, or compliment her) or punish good behavior (e.g., she complies
with your request, and you tease her).

Many a man has inadvertently sunk his chances with women by

reinforcing behavior unhelpful to him... and discouraging behavior that
would’ve moved the courtship forward. Make sure you do not do this.

Reward good behavior. Punish bad.

* Fisher, Aron, & Brown, 2005 | † Skinner, 1953; Holroyd & Coles, 2002;
Lesson 1 88
Pagoni, Zink, Montague, & Berns, 2002; Wrase, et al., 2007
Women have several “boxes” they plunk men
into soon after meeting them. The most
important ones are:

•  The friend box

•  The lover box
•  The boyfriend box

Lesson 1 89
To avoid the friend box, you must:

•  Not overprovide good feelings

•  Not be overly helpful or useful
•  Have her invest more in you than you in her
•  Maintain a sexual (non-platonic) demeanor
•  Do things on your terms, rather than hers

Lesson 1 90
If you are advanced (very skilled) with women,
the friend box can be a good or even useful place
to be.*

Because women let their guards down around

friends†, a man who is talented at escalation and
logistics can set things up so that he is alone and
creating a sexual vibe very quickly with women
who previously only saw him as a “friend.”

However, this is advanced strategy, and most

inexperienced men who try this find themselves
continually chasing after women who only see
them as friends, and never make headway. Until
you have an easy time sleeping with new women,
this is not a strategy for you to attempt yet.

Lesson 1 * Sprecher & Regan, 2002 | † Lemay & Wolf, 2016 91

To avoid the boyfriend box, you must:

•  Move quickly with her

•  Disqualify yourself as a boyfriend*
•  Be irreverent, rebellious, and rough
•  Have an unstable, unreliable vibe around you
•  Do all items needed to avoid the friend box

Lesson 1 * Beres, 2010 92

An early boyfriend is a man who behaves like a woman’s boyfriend before he’s become her boyfriend.

He does things like:

•  Accompanies her while she shops for clothes

•  Helps her fix things broken at her place
•  Helps her with projects from school or work
•  Listens to her problems and consoles her
•  Goes with her to dances, on hikes, etc.

… all before he’s started sleeping with her.

Women rarely sleep with men who do this, because

if he’s already behaving like a boyfriend, why
introduce sex and risk messing everything up? Many
guys disappear as soon as they get sex, and for most
women, sex, which is easy to get, is not worth
risking all the value an early boyfriend provides,
even if they find him attractive.

Lesson 1 93
While it is possible to move too fast with women
and scare them off by being overly aggressive, this
is the opposite of the problem most men have:

Not moving anywhere near fast enough.

If you want to do better with women, if you only

take one lesson away from this entire course, let it
be this: move faster with women.

Lesson 1 94
Some key moments you may need to move faster:

•  Say hello faster

•  Ask her out faster
•  Take her phone number faster
•  Set the date up faster
•  Touch her faster
•  Invite her home faster
•  Make a move faster
•  Kiss her faster
•  Have sex with her faster

Lesson 1 95
If men moved faster with women, they would:

•  Not miss so many chances with women

•  Not have women grow frustrated with them
•  Excite women (significantly) more
•  Have a lot more fun themselves
•  Discover many more opportunities with girls

Lesson 1 96
Great fundamentals and a solid dating process give
you great confidence with girls. That confidence lets
you experience a self-fulfilling dating prophecy.

That is, you’ll expect the women you like to like

you back... which will motivate these women to flirt
back... and eventually to, in fact, like you back.*
Simply believing it (and having the knowhow and
fundamentals to back it up) makes it so.
Lesson 1 * Lemay & Wolf, 2016 97
Your assignment for Lesson #1:

Select two (2) fundamentals, and set to work

improving yourself in each.

Examples: voice and hairstyle, or

posture and eye contact.

Did you complete this assignment and

share it on the forum?

Lesson 1 98
Last lesson, we covered VAC, which is a model for
attraction. Over the next few lessons, we’ll zero in
on SAC, which is a model for date success.

If that’s too many acronyms for you for now, just

focus on SAC (similarity-arousal-compliance).
That’s the important one for now, to grasp how to
pull off the One Date.

We’ll come back to VAC (for understanding raw

attraction) later.
Lesson 2 100
When you knock SAC out of the park with a girl, she
comes home with you, has sex with you, and is open to
becoming your girlfriend. Simple as that.

If she feels similar and connected to you, is aroused by

you, and is complying with you, you can lead her to the
bedroom. In fact, if those three things are in place, you
will have to lead her to the bedroom. She’ll all but
demand it.

Lesson 2 101
Many girls need more of one of the sides of SAC than
others:

•  They need more similarity (a more incredible

connection)

•  They need more arousal (a more exciting/stimulating

experience)

•  Or they need more compliance (they need you to get

them doing a lot and investing a lot)

Lesson 2 102
The three (3) biggest goals for women going on first dates are*:

1.  Reduce uncertainty (52% of first daters)

2.  Escalate the relation (48% of first daters)
3.  Have fun (40% of first daters)

Uncertainty is strongly linked to arousal (I give you a ton of uncertainty tools

in The Dating Artisan, Module 1). Escalating the relation is just another way of
saying “improve the connection”. And “have fun” means connection and
arousal aren’t as much of a concern, and she’s ready to go right along with it.

It should be pretty clear that all three of these concerns are likely to be
important to girls you ask out. Most women are going to have at least two of
these concerns as boxes you must check off.

Lesson 2 * Mongeau, Serewicz, & Therrien, 2004 103

The context surrounding a date influences what you
expect to happen on that date.* What she expects to
happen on a date makes a big difference whether she
goes along with it or not.

Thus, it’s extra crucial you figure out what kind of

date a girl needs, and give her it. If you do, it’ll be
smooth sailing much of the way. If you don’t, you
may find yourself fighting a battle uphill.
Lesson 2 * Serewicz & Gale, 2008 104
On average, I’d say it’s about 50/50
whether a girl falls into one clear SAC
camp or not.

If she does, you will know right away

that this girl needs more connection,
more arousal, or to do more things for
you. So long as you’re able to recognize
the signs, it’ll be all over her behavior.

If she doesn’t, it will seem unclear. She

won’t seem to fit into any certain box. Or
you may not be sure if she’s even all that
attracted to you (yet). We’ll talk about
what to do with these girls later, too, so
don’t worry.

Lesson 2 105
Don’t go thinking you can just ask her what she wants, either.

Research shows the men women actually pick to go on dates

with have no relation to what kind of men women say they
want to go on dates with.*

A woman will say she wants this and that and the other
thing in a man... Then turn right around and date a guy
who has none of those qualities.

You can’t rely on her to tell you what she’s after. You must
figure it out yourself. Not to worry – the tools from this lesson
will help you figure out just what she (actually) wants.
* Eastwick & Finkel, 2008; Sorokowski, Sabiniewicz, & Sorokowska, 2015; Todd, Penke, Fasolo, &
Lesson 2 106
Lenton, 2007
The way to figure out what kind of date a girl needs is to proceed
backwards down SAC:

1.  Ask her for compliance, and gauge her response; next,

2.  Do something that sparks arousal, while you gauge her response;

3.  Finally, demonstrate similarity, while you gauge her response

Wherever you clearly get the best, strongest, warmest, most

excited, most willing response, that’s usually the area where you
need to concentrate your efforts. Simple enough, right?

Lesson 2 107
A “good response” to one of your SAC pings can be:

•  She “drops her guard”: her body language relaxes and her smile gets
easier. She lowers her defensiveness (removes hands from in front of body;
uncrosses arms) and becomes more open (puts her arms at her side in a less
protected position)

•  She grows excited: she seems eager, and pays a lot of attention suddenly
following your use of this element of SAC

•  She begins to auto-invest: if she starts to ask questions, get closer, turn her
body more toward you, touch you, or do anything that moves the courtship
forward, you’ve likely got a hit

If you see any of these responses to one of your SAC pings, you’ve found
what she needs.

Lesson 2 108
 When you get women who respond very well to
compliance from the get-go, they’re telling you
they’re down for a “hookup date.” That is, they
don’t need much similarity. They don’t need
much arousal. They’re simply ready, already.

With a girl like this, I still suggest you work in

similarity and arousal. Just add a bit in as you
take her through the hookup date process.

Your focus will be compliance, but in the gaps

between working on compliance, you can insert
a little similarity/arousal work. Just don’t make
S or A the focus with her, is all.

Lesson 2 109
If a girl is in “hookup mode” – that is, if she’s already decided
she wants something to happen with you – it’s very possible
to overdo it by focusing too much on similarity or arousal.

What happens is a girl in hookup mode is already farther along

in a courtship. She’s already at a later stage; one other girls
won’t reach until you’ve built more S or A. If you start
focusing in on S or A instead of simply escalating
compliance and moving things forward, she will feel like
you “don’t get it.” She’ll think you’re unconfident, and will
doubt your ability to give her what she wants.

Most of the time, she’ll lose interest, and leave disappointed.

Lesson 2 110
So, just remember: if she responds extremely well to
compliance requests, even early on – even right
from the beginning of the courtship – that’s your
signal she’s ready for things to move to the fast
track.

She’s sold on you, and needs no additional selling.

So don’t spend too much time doing a lot more
salesmanship (building similarity and arousal). Just
do enough of those to keep the wheels greased as
you continue to lead her step-by-step to bed.

Lesson 2 111
In every date, at some point,
a girl’s mind will shift from
whatever prior focus it had
to a “hookup focus.”

This is the point at which

she’s decided she feels
sufficiently similar to you,
and is sufficiently
aroused... And now she just
wants things to get to you
and her, naked in bed.

Lesson 2 112
You can tell you’ve reached a point where she’s become sexually
receptive by changes in her demeanor:

•  She looks both nervous and excited

•  She smiles at you warmly/sexily yet doesn’t talk much
•  She runs her hands up and down a cylindrical object (like a glass)
•  She focuses hard on you, yet occasionally looks around, as if to
check whether you and her are alone
•  She begins to “triangle gaze” you – shifting her eyes from each of
your eyes to your mouth and back
•  She grows physically close to you and/or snuggles against you

If you get two or more of these signs, she’s in hookup mode.

Lesson 2 113
If you do not identify that she now
wants things to move toward sex,
and you continue to pursue building
similarity or arousal with her, you’ll
cause her interest to cool back off.

A woman’s interest is contingent

upon her feeling like the man she’s
with can take her where she wants to
go. The less confident she feels about
that, the more her interest in him
starts to subside... and the faster it
subsides, too.

Lesson 2 114
The hookup date, or “easy date”, is one in which you essentially just
get a girl back to your place as quickly as possible.

You can take her phone number when you meet her... But you may also
want to try to lead her directly back home the day you meet her, too.

The safe option is to plan a date at somewhere very near your

apartment. A café or dive bar nearby, for instance. But take her to your
place first if it feels like she’d be open to this. If not, bring her home
after you take her to the date spot.

The riskier but perhaps more fun option is to tell her to swing by
your place first and you’ll head out from there. When she arrives, have
her come inside while you finish getting ready... and if the vibe is there,
then just sleep with her then and there.

Lesson 2 115
 If you invite her onto a different sort of date, only to
realize midway through that she is almost certainly
down to hook up as soon as possible, then what you
need to do is pivot the date:

Whatever plans you previously had laid out, scrap

them.

This is where taking time to plan out your dates

(which we’ll talk about later) comes in. You must
be able to read that her emotions have changed and
now present an opportunity for you and her. And
you must be prepared to take advantage of this
opportunity – and whisk her off somewhere private,
just you and her... rather than try to execute a
longer, more elaborate (but suddenly irrelevant)
date plan.

Lesson 2 116
You can tell a woman needs connection if she’s
guarded to compliance and arousal, yet warms
up to similarity.

For instance, if she complies with your initial

request, yet seems hesitant... and then you do
something arousing, yet she acts a little
guarded... then you build similarity, and she
warms right up?

That’s your sign she’s a connection-seeker.

Lesson 2 117
A connection-seeker is arguably the farthest away from sleeping with you of
the three (the girl who’s down for the hookup / readily compliant being the
closest). However, you can still sleep with her quick and make her your
girlfriend if you use SAC.

The key is to realize most men do not take the time to

build enough similarity with her. And of the men who
do, most take the more respectful, hands-off “nice guy”
path – and don’t build arousal or ask for compliance as
they establish that similarity. Which means most
men miss her entirely, while the rest build
similarity in a sexuality-free way.

Do things right, and you can absolutely

move fast with her (and do it all in just a
single date).

Lesson 2 118
When a woman needs similarity, the amount she needs depends, and the attitudes she
needs it on depend too.

However, a good rule of thumb is the deeper the elements you connect with her on
are, the stronger the bond will be.

For instance, maybe you discover you both like sailing. That’s a similarity, but it’s only
a superficial one.

Perhaps you next discover you both took sailing classes with the same instructor, or
share some sailor friends in common. This is a deeper similarity / stronger bond.

Now let’s say you find out that she took up sailing to feel free, to leave the land behind,
and to get out on the water, where it’s calm and tranquil. And you completely relate to
her on this and tell her your own story that communicates your primary motivations are
the same. This is a still-deeper level of similarity; down to the most salient (attitude)
level. The deeper you connect, and the more you get to attitudes and not just
superficial details, the stronger the bond.

Lesson 2 119
Similarity does NOT mean you share the same opinions with her.

You might be a political conservative and she’s a political liberal. Or

vice versa. But if you can connect with her on a motivational level
about why you both care about politics, this goes beyond any
superficial differences. For instance, you both deeply feel being an
involved citizen is one of the most important roles an individual has in
his or her society.

Of course, if you stay on the surface level and compare opposing

political beliefs, you’ll foster dissimilarity, and sink the connection.
You overcome that initial dissimilarity by moving toward common
goals.* Go beyond surface opinions to find true common ground.

Lesson 2 * Sunnafrank, 1985 120

… and she’s in need of
connection:

She’ll feel as if you don’t “get

her”, aren’t her guy, and the
courtship is missing something.

And the odds you ever sleep with

or date her are extremely low.
Lesson 2 121
No, you cannot become too connected to a girl who is seeking similarity. The more
similar to you she feels, the more she feels as if you know her, get her, and are her,
through and through... and the more she will tend to feel like you and her meeting was
“fate.”

However, what a lot of men get wrong is to focus purely on ramping up connection,
while they ignore arousal and compliance. The end result of this is a girl who feels
incredibly connected to you, yet in a platonic way. Such a girl is entirely uncommitted
to the courtship.

This is the most common way men end up parked in women’s friend zones: all
connection, no compliance/arousal.

Side note: once you’ve established attraction and trust with her, similarity-building
stops working.* Similarity only works in the early stages, to build trust and allow her to
feel attraction. Once she’s there, similarity is not needed. So don’t keep trying to build
more and more similarity past the courtship stage. I get guys asking me sometimes
“How do I deep dive her once we’re in a relationship?” The answer is: “Not necessary.”

Lesson 2 * Singh, Tay, & Sankaran, 2016 122

When the goal is to build similarity with a girl, the ideal
date structure is a low-key date that does not involve
much movement or anything too crazy, and is instead
conducive to deep conversation and connection.

For instance, a tranquil café during the day on a day she

has off and no other urgent appointments. Or a quiet,
intimate dive bar early in the evening when you have time
to get to know her without her feeling rushed.

Ideally, of course, you’ll want this to be close to your

place, too, so things are easy when she’s “ready.”

Lesson 2 123
You should seek to build arousal and compliance throughout a similarity-
building date, rather than try to do one thing at a time.

If you focus solely on connection first, what you’ll end up with is a girl who’s
highly connected to you, yet not at all aroused or invested.

You can’t then do a bunch of things and get her aroused and invested in 5
minutes. You want these things to happen over time. So you’ll often end up
rushing to change the tone of the date to make up for what you lack (e.g., you
go from a quiet connection date to suddenly now you’re going to go do
something stimulating). When you try to do this, it feels unnatural.

The superior strategy is to work arousal and compliance in as you go while

you take her through the connection date. That way there is no rushed buildup
or shift. It all happens at once.

Lesson 2 124
 If a girl is an arousal-seeker, what
she looks for is fun, excitement,
and stimulation. To her, knowing
that you are this way yourself is
pretty much all the similarity
she needs; her focus is on
sensation!*

Lesson 2 * Peter & Valkenburg, 2007 125

 If she’s in need of arousal
and you fail to provide this
to her, she will either feel
that you are boring, or that
you’re a really nice guy and
maybe even interesting to
talk to... yet either way, you
just don’t “do it” for her.

She often won’t know why,

but she simply won’t be
interested in anything with
you. The “why”, however,
is your missing arousal.
Lesson 2 126
If every guy focused on building arousal with every girl he liked, the “friend zone”
would cease to exist.

What the friend zone often is is a dumping ground for men who build connections yet
fail to push a woman’s arousal button.* Men in the friend zone are men who have
Value (if you think back to VAC), and they have Attainability; however, the Value
they have is platonic value, and NOT sexual value.

They’ve failed to create arousal, and thus don’t have value to a woman outside what a
platonic friend offers. If men focused as much on building arousal as they do on
building similarity, the friend zone would be a memory.

Note that it is possible to still be arousing in the friend zone. However, this is only with
men who have never allowed flirtation, arousal, and sexual tension to die. 50% of
college students have hooked up with a friend; it does happen.† In many of these cases,
though, it is because the male friend has maintained that sexual spark with his female
friend. Rarely does a female friend decide to hook up with a platonic male friend. To
hook up in the friend zone, you have to stay sexual.

Lesson 2 * Abbey, 1987 | † Afifi & Faulkner, 2000 127

The reasons a woman seeks arousal include:

•  She’s a pleasure/novelty-seeker
•  She needs to de-stress from something taxing
•  She’s recently left a long, boring relationship
•  She has a lot of frustration she wants gone
•  She’s bored, listless, or tuned out
•  She already has lots of nice guy friends

Lesson 2 128
It’s fair to say:

•  A girl in need of a hookup date is the most sexually

receptive (she just needs you to lead her to it)

•  A girl in need of an arousal date is in the middle (she

needs you to create arousal... then lead her to bed)

•  A girl in need of connection is the least sexually primed

(she needs to feel connected to you... then for you to
create arousal... then lead her to bed)

Lesson 2 129
It is possible to go overboard on arousal.

The problem here is if you make her too aroused, then

don’t deliver sex. If, for instance, you get her extremely
aroused in public, then don’t get her alone somewhere.
Make her too aroused, then fail to give her sex soon
after, and the window will close.

Therefore, it’s generally good form to make

sure her arousal does not get too far ahead
of her compliance. If you build arousal too
far in excess of compliance, you risk a girl who’s
all horny, with no place to go. And by the time you
build up compliance, she may have cooled off, or left in
frustration.

Lesson 2 130
You know she’s aroused enough if you see those same indicators we
discussed earlier:

•  She looks both nervous and excited

•  She smiles at you warmly/sexily yet doesn’t talk much
•  She runs her hands up and down a cylindrical object (like a glass)
•  She focuses hard on you, yet occasionally looks around, as if to
check whether you and her are alone
•  She begins to “triangle gaze” you – shifting her eyes from each of
your eyes to your mouth and back
•  She grows physically close to you and/or snuggles against you

Again, if you see these, she’s entered “hookup mode” and she’s ready.

Lesson 2 131
 Plenty of times you will meet
women who don’t seem to fall into
any of the similarity-arousal-
compliance camps right away.

This is most often the case with

women who aren’t excited about
you yet (for whatever reason).
Don’t worry too much about this for
now; your task will be leveraging
SAC to to change her mind.

Lesson 2 132
If she’s in the “ambiguous” category, you have two (2) choices:

1.  Use your preferred date: usually you will have a date structure
you prefer. Could be a hookup, connection, or arousal date. You’ll
take her on this date because it’s less work for you and you’ll be
more comfortable.

2.  Use a “safe” date: this usually means a structured date that
incorporates plenty of time to excite and stimulate her, yet also
time to bond with her and establish similarities. This will be your
“covers all the bases”-style date.

#2 gives you the better odds of getting the girl. However, #1 is less
work. So if you aren’t too sure about this girl, and “not wasting time” is
more important than “definitely getting the girl”, you may want #1.

Lesson 2 133
The advantage of a well-planned “safe date” is ample opportunity to
develop similarity, arousal, and compliance. For instance:

•  You meet her at a coffee shop to chat

•  You then head out to an arcade to play games
•  You take her for a walk and end up at your place
•  And it all unfolds over about 2 to 4 hours

The disadvantage of a safe date is it’s more work, often work put in on
a girl who’s more ambiguous about you. Run the date right, and you
can often “crack the nut” and get her. However you will have to
balance all three parts of SAC fairly well and the date can be time-
consuming.

Lesson 2 134
Typically, as the date progresses women will
make it clearer what they need most from you.

To figure it out, look for what she responds

best to: similarity, arousal, or compliance?

Do keep in mind a woman needs all three.

Don’t slip into a pure connection date where
you ignore arousal because she didn’t respond
as well to that early on. If she doesn’t respond
well to something initially, work on the other
parts of SAC, then work back to the rest later.

Lesson 2 135
If you build lots of similarity, yet she seems
bored, she needs arousal.

Also build compliance too, of course. Yet her

main issue when she’s bored is going to be that
she simply isn’t stimulated. Talk alone is not
enough to get her there – you need arousal.

Lesson 2 136
If you build lots of arousal, yet she seems
uncomfortable, that’s typically a sign she does not
feel similar enough to you yet.

She may not feel like you have much in common;

she may feel like you and her are just different
people, or you don’t or can’t “get” her. Whatever
the reason, she doesn’t feel comfortable letting
her guard down and opening up to arousing
stimuli yet. You must make connect more first.
Lesson 2 137
If you’re asking for lots of compliance, yet she’s
noncompliant or resists complying, you lack in similarity,
arousal, or both.

If she’s not aroused, even if she feels similar to you,

you’re just a friend. She’s not going to invest much in and
follow the lead of some guy she’s platonic friends with.

And if she’s aroused, yet doesn’t feel similar to you,

you’re a playboy who’s just messing around. She
doesn’t trust your intentions enough to go along with
them... even if you do seem exciting.

Lesson 2 138
If you do everything right... and she feels highly similar to you,
highly aroused around you, and is highly invested in and
compliant with you... then you have a girl who is ready to go
to bed with you, and who will happily stick around and be
your girlfriend after.

You have “won” the game – and so has she, in finding a guy
able to knock it as far out of the park with her as you have.

Lesson 2 139
Different dates take different lengths of time.
However, you can roughly expect lengths, from
“hello” to “make love to me”, like this:

•  Safe date: 3 to 7 hours

•  Connection date: 2 to 3 hours
•  Arousal date: 1 to 2 hours
•  Hookup date: 10 minutes to an hour
Lesson 2 140
You should continue to use SAC with her once you have her back at
your place, before sex. You don’t want to change and seem like
you’re a different guy just because she’s alone with you now.

However, in most cases, you will tone down similarity-building

attempts and arousal-building ones. Your focus once alone (provided
you’ve primed her well for intimacy) is to escalate compliance with her
while maintaining similarity/arousal, until you are in bed together.

For instance, you can chat a little with her (connection), but don’t go
too deep. And you can banter with her a little (arousal), but don’t get
too wild. Focus on having her do things for you, touch you, allow you
to touch her, and comply with the escalation, above all else.

Lesson 2 141
The assignment for Lesson #2:

The next three (3) attractive women you talk to, run
through a quick series of SAC pings. Go
backwards (compliance, then arousal,
then similarity) and monitor how the girls
respond. Try to identify which girls need
what dates.

Did you complete this assignment and

share it on the forum?
Lesson 2 142
It’s very possible to take a woman to bed after just a
single experience together; after just one date.* And
in fact, it’s preferable.

Even if you’re an incredibly talented dater, the

more time you spend with her before sleeping
with her, the more you expand the time window
you have to make mistakes in.

Less time to sex, all other things being even, is

better.
Lesson 3 * Edgar & Fitzpatrick, 1993 144
 The difference between a woman who’s
insulted you went for it in one date, and the
woman who’s disappointed that didn’t, comes
down to the experience you provide.

Provide her with a mediocre experience,

and she’ll feel insulted you thought
you could go for sex that fast.

On the other hand, show

her an unbelievable time,
and she’ll be heartbroken
if it ends any other way
than the two of you
becoming lovers.

Lesson 3 145
The most common reasons men delay making moves on
women are these:

•  They think women don’t move that fast, at least not

with guys like them

•  They don’t think they’ve done a good enough job

exciting their women

•  Even if they know they’ve done a good job and can tell
she wants it, they feel afraid

Lesson 3 146
Waiting too long can sabotage a man’s chances with a
woman because:

•  She may become disappointed you did not make a

move, and give up on you

•  She may lose respect for you as a man for not going for
what you so obviously wanted

•  She may meet another man while you are waiting

whom she also likes yet who is not so inclined to wait

Lesson 3 147
 Many women will tell you they would
never sleep with a man in fewer than 3
dates.

A great many of these same women have

hooked up with a sexy stranger hours after
meeting him on vacation. Or had that one
magical date where everything was perfect
and they fell into bed at the end of it.

If you create a tailored-enough

experience for her, no woman needs some
arbitrary 2 or 3 dates to choose whether
to sleep with you. Women look for
emotion, not a rational, logical, numbered-
out plan.

Lesson 3 148
The way you can ask a girl out onto any date and never run the risk of a true
rejection is via the “Small Ask”.

Here it is: We should grab a bite or a drink sometime.

Simple, right? Super low pressure. Works almost every time.

You’re not saying “Let’s go on a date.” You’re not telling her you want to go
climb a mountain with her. You’re not picking a specific time, or even a
specific thing – you’re not saying let’s get steak or drink wine on the 17th.
You’re just saying we should grab a bite or a drink sometime.

This is very easy for a woman to say yes to. It sounds harmless – she’s not
agreeing to anything major – and even if she isn’t sure she wants to date you or
go to bed with you yet, if she even thinks you might be an okay friend it’s easy
for her to say yes to.

Lesson 3 149
The Small Ask is virtually rejection-free as well, because it’s so unassuming.
Women will usually say, “Okay,” and then make up their minds later if they
aren’t sold on you... at which point you’ll be using the One Date Texting
Sequence and they will want to meet up with you.

Even if they decline the ask, the worst you’ll usually hear is, “I’m really busy
right now.”

To which you reply with, “Another time then,” if you know you’ll see her
again. Then try again with her in a week or two (after you build more SAC).

Or, if you won’t see her again, tell her, “Okay, well let me grab your contact
info anyway and we’ll figure something out when you’re not as busy.”

You’ll take contact info with plans to meet up again later from most
friendly woman you use this on.

Lesson 3 150
Visible status has a big impact on ask success. In 2012, scientists had various
men make themselves look high, middle, or low status, then ask women out on
the street. Each man would approach a girl, say hello, ask her out, and ask her
for her phone number.

As you might expect, the higher the man's apparent status, the better his
results.* Men who looked low status received a yes only 7.8% of the time.
Men who looked middle status received a yes 12.8% of the time. And men
who looked high status received a yes 23.3% of the time... almost twice as
much as the middle-status men, and 3x as much as the low status men.

As important as the ask is, you must combine it with good fundamentals for
the best possible outcomes. Sharp dress, good grooming, excellent posture,
and all the rest. Come across higher status, and you'll make your date-getting
much easier.

Lesson 3 * Guéguen & Lamy, 2012 151

It’s almost never worthwhile to make asking women out a big deal. It
turns the pressure up, makes a girl freeze up or get defensive, and
generates coldness and rejection for you.

The one time it may be worthwhile is if you’ve been pursuing a woman

for a while and she’s already brushed off more ambiguous invitations,
yet there’s still a flirty vibe between you. In this case, making one big,
playful, over-exuberant invitation can sometimes work:

“Caroline, we must stop these games at once! I must have you. You
know this to be true. Let me take you out – anywhere is good with me,
so long as you and I are together!”

Don’t make this your first invite though, and don’t do it with a girl you
don’t already have a good, playful vibe yet. And don’t be too serious!

Lesson 3 152
To do everything in just one date, you must:

•  Have decent-enough fundamentals

•  Be willing to take risks to get her
•  Focus on her and provide a great experience

You don’t need to be Superman. Most of the men

women meet are boring – you just have to be
better than these men by 20 or 25%.

Lesson 3 153
A script is the sequence of events or steps you plan to follow in a situation.*

Dating scripts tell you how to progress from one stage to the next... So much
so that most people (males and females) can look at a jumbled series of steps
and put those steps back in the right order (e.g., hello comes before kiss, etc.).†

Scripts are more outlines or skeletons to follow than exact steps to follow
in all circumstances. People flesh out their scripts to suit their situations.‡
Within dating scripts, men normally focus on*:

•  Orchestration (plan the date, drive, pay)

•  Initiation (ask her out, make moves toward sex)

… while women focus on :

•  Waiting (for the man to initiate)

•  Accepting or rejecting their dates’ moves (you make a move, they say yes or no)

The more experienced the dater, the more ingrained these scripts tend to be, the more
men and women hew to their respective sex roles.

This is one reason why it’s important for you to handle the date planning and
orchestration; this is seen as the man’s domain. Surrendering it only works when
she’s driving hard toward intimacy.

Lesson 3 * Rose & Frieze, 1989, 1993 155

When you break expectations, this can be exciting... if you break expectations the right
way.

e.g., you break expectations in a way that generates arousal (breaking rules, for
instance). Or a way that leads to a stronger connection (quickly connecting with her via
deep diving).

If you can get women to operate off-script, you’ll reduce the resistance you face
from them too. Because resistance is a part of the script, causing a woman to abandon
her script impels her to “make it up as she goes along”... thus freeing her to do what she
wants to do instead of what she feels she should do.

Some common expectations of women on the first date are that strangers will not have
as intimate a connection as friends would, and that you won’t go any further than
lightly kissing.* If you plan to do it all in one date, these are expectations you’ll have to
break.

Lesson 3 * Morr & Mongeau, 2004 156

Dating scripts change as society evolves. It typically takes some time
following social changes for dating scripts to catch up.

For example, sociologists expected social changes in 1960s America to lead to

looser sexual mores on university campuses. However, these changes did not
become apparent until the 1970s.*

Not everything changes; some scripts are the same across cultures.† Yet as the
scripts that change do change, people will try to approve or disapprove of the
new scripts that emerge. The aging playboy whose female partners all stay the
same age attracts both ridicule and envy, from different sides supporting or
deriding his lifestyle, for instance.‡

You can expect to face pushback from people objecting to you doing
things differently (which means in most times and places, it probably won’t
be prudent to advertise your use of the One Date).

Lesson 3 * Reed & Weinberg, 1984; Sherwin & Corbett, 1985 | † Abelson, 1976 | ‡ Simon & Gagnon, 1986 157
Date templates are formats for
structuring your dates to achieve
the best tailored-to-her experience
without you having to figure out
too much of what to do on the fly.
They are logistics + dating script.

Think of them as roadmaps you

follow on a date: do this, go here,
make this happen at this time.

These roadmaps let you create

consistent results from your dates.

Lesson 3 158
The informational date is the date you use when you didn’t have much time
with a woman (or otherwise feel like she doesn’t know you that well) and it’ll
be hard to sleep with her in one date.

When you use the informational date, you are usually aiming to sleep with
her in several dates, not one. This is still okay so long as you have a clear
game plan you’re following and are not just doing “whatever.”

Lesson 3 159
You lay an informational date plan out like this:

1.  Meet for something light (lunch, a coffee)

2.  Plan on a date that lasts 30 to 60 minutes
3.  Chat with her, don’t go too deep, have fun
4.  Focus on making her comfortable with you
5.  Also focus on challenging her a little bit
6.  Be the one to end the date, on a high note

Lesson 3 160
 A structured date is what most of your
one date plans will look like.

This is a date where you structure in

multiple experiences into a single date.
You go hiking, then get coffee or ice
cream, then take a walk by the beach,
then head back to your place to unwind
or make dinner.

Because there are multiple experiences

with different emotional hues to them,
you can make one date contain more
experiences than most men create in
six or seven dates... and sleeping with
her at the crown of a date like this is
natural.

Lesson 3 161
One example of a structured date layout:

1.  She picks you up at your place

2.  You go have a light lunch together
3.  You then go to an arcade to play games
4.  You grab ice creams after
5.  You return to your place together to unwind

Lesson 3 162
Another example of a structured date layout:

1.  She meets you at your subway station

2.  You walk somewhere close to grab lunch
3.  After lunch, you head to a bookstore nearby
4.  You then have drinks on your rooftop
5.  After, you walk to your place to watch a film

Lesson 3 163
And another:

1.  You pick her up outside her place

2.  The two of you sit and chat in the car a bit
3.  You drive to a pool hall and play some pool
4.  Afterward, you grab a drink at the bar
5.  You drive her back to your place to relax

Lesson 3 164
My own go-to date plan:

1.  Have her meet you at your subway stop

2.  Take her to a café near your place; eat/talk
3.  After an hour or two, invite her up for a film
4.  Throw on the news or a music video
5.  Sit with her, kiss her, and get intimate

Lesson 3 165
The easy date is where you have her come
straight to your place for the date.

This works when she’s very attracted to

you. You can have her come over to cook
dinner with you, or just to mix some drinks
and relax.

If you use this date when she’s not very

attracted to you, it can be difficult to create
a good enough experience in your place for
her to want to get intimate with you. Save
this for women who really like you.

Lesson 3 166
One snag of the easy date is transitioning into touching, kissing, and sex.

With other dates, it’s easy enough to bring a girl back to your place already
sufficiently ready to go and kiss her within 10 minutes.

On easy dates, you can do this sometimes, but much of the time you need to
give her time to relax in your place and talk with you a bit. Yet by that time it
may seem awkward and out-of-the-blue for you to kiss her.

The trick to transitioning during an easy date is to have a move of some

sort, at some point – as you do it, or just after, spin her around and kiss:

•  As you both move from watching movies on the couch to watching in bed,
•  As you both get up to go mix another round of drinks together,
•  Or as you both get up to go use the bathroom, for instance.

Lesson 3 167
Similarity, arousal, and compliance match to date templates as follows:

•  Similarity = structured: you need a structured date to build similarity.

However, you can use a structured date with fewer steps. For example:
meet her somewhere, walk to a café or dive bar, establish similarity (+ a
little arousal and compliance), then take her home

•  Arousal = structured: you’ll use a structured date for arousal-building too.

However, you will generally want a date structure that makes for more
opportunities to build arousal. This means less sitting and more doing –
arcades, jogs, window shopping somewhere expensive and trying on
clothes, ice-skating, a good comedy show. Make sure the structure ends
back at yours though

•  Hookup = easy: if she’s highly (and happily) compliant with you, it’s a
hookup date – which means, an easy date. Get her home with you ASAP

Lesson 3 168
Here’s how you pick a template:

1.  If she doesn’t seem that eager to meet you, pick informational. You’ll
fix your SAC on this date, then exit quickly and let your new impression
gel in her mind.

2.  If she’s clearly into you, but not super into you, pick structured. This
is what you’ll use the majority of times when you make a good first
impression and she’s attracted, but not head-over-heels (or hurting for a
hook-up). You use this date to create an incredible experience for her…
one that ends in intimacy.

3.  If she’s super into you, or she clearly just wants to hook up, pick easy.
The easy date is you essentially saying, “We’re going to do this; she
knows we’re going to do this, and anything where I woo her or provide a
non-sexual experience will frustrate her… so let’s get to the point.”

Lesson 3 169
To do it all in a single experience,
you will usually need either a
structured date (usually) or an
easy date (if she’s really into you,
or really hurting for it).

Occasionally, if you do great on an

informational date, and you don’t
have plans or need to rush off, you
can turn an informational date into a
structured date. From there, you take
her somewhere else, then take her
home. This is less common, though.

Lesson 3 170
You will vary the steps of a structured date based on whether
you need to focus on similarity with a girl, or on arousal more.

If similarity, you want something intimate and subdued.

Something with fewer steps, where the focus is square on the
conversation.

If arousal, you want something exciting and stimulating, with

more steps, yet that is still intimate / “you two versus the
world.” You’ll want it to be a date that gives you ample time to
chat with her and create a little similarity / build a little
compliance... while you also surprise her, excite her, flirt, and
break the rules together.

Lesson 3 171
On a structured date, you have two options:

1.  Start light and go deep

2.  Start light and stay light

This should depend on your read of the girl. If she seems like
she really just wants to have fun, don’t go deep, because that’ll
kill the mood for her.

On the other hand, if she’s clearly looking for a real

connection, you’re going to need to talk about something
substantial... sticking just to banter will disappoint her.

Lesson 3 172
A man with a compelling sexual vibe can ignore touch, and create a
great deal of tension with the absence of touch. The girl will want to
touch him, yet he barely touches her. She comes to want it even more.

For most men though, including all beginners, touch is suggested,

recommended... even mandatory. Touch is how you tell her you’re
going to give her more than just good conversation and a nice time.

And touch is how you get her comfortable having your hands on her.
You’re going to need that comfort for what comes later.

Lesson 3 173
Touch has a ripple effect of prompting girls to flirt
more, touch you more, and get closer to you. This is due
to a “permission” effect: once you’ve touched her, she
feels allowed to now touch you without being too bold.
You made the first open move; now it’s okay for her to
follow.

When your touch is well received, it also helps reinforce

to you that your touch is wanted. Which improves your
confidence, creating another ripple effect throughout your
own flirting and fundamentals.

Lesson 3 174
Just some of what happens when you touch a girl:

•  She feels better toward you and rates both you and the
environment she’s in more highly*

•  Similarity goes up and she feels more understood†

•  It lowers her status relative to you (unless she touches you

back or is equal to you in status)‡, while positioning you as
higher status, more dominant, warmer, more expressive, and
more assertive§ – all qualities attractive to women

* Fisher, Rytting, & Heslin, 1976 | † Flaherty, 1999 | ‡ Summerhayes & Suchner, 1978 | § Major &
Lesson 3 175
Heslin, 1982
Some of the best ways to touch on a date (before you’re back at your place):

•  Take her hand(s) when you first meet, and give them a squeeze (don’t shake)

•  Have her sit next to you, and sit close – have your leg touching her leg the whole
time

•  Touch her as you make points: touch her elbow, upper arm, and eventually stomach,
side, and thigh, as you tell her things

•  If you cross the street, guide her with your hand on the small of her back, or put
your arm across her front to block her if she’s about to cross without checking
traffic

•  Later in a date that’s going well, you may opt to hold hands with her, give her a
piggy back ride, or have her rest her head on your shoulder (if you’re traveling in a
bus or train)

Lesson 3 176
Women use incidental touch more often than men
do. That means more touches like:

•  Brushing up against you

•  Tapping your arm as she speaks
•  Dusting off your clothes
•  Nudging or punching you playfully

Women use romantic touch about as much as men,

though they use sexual touch less.*
Lesson 3 * Jones, 1982 177
The best times of day for dates are:

•  Informational dates: a weekday lunch (11 AM or 12 PM)

or weekend afternoon coffee (anywhere between 1 PM and
3 PM) are ideal. You’ll only meet for about 45 minutes, and want her
to feel safe and feel there are time constraints. This makes her more likely to come
out, and less guarded on the date.

•  Structured dates: any day you both have a lot of time, and the earlier the better.
Aim for a 10 AM or 11 AM start if possible. Even if you only spend 2 or 3 hours on
the date before you take her home, you want to make ensure enough of a time
cushion. That’s so she doesn’t feel like she needs to end the date early to rush off
for something else. Sundays at 11 AM have long been a favorite date time of mine.

•  Easy dates: any time where she has 2 or 3 hours free works. Nighttime is often
better, since it sets a better mood for seduction. Earlier in the night is best – 8 PM,
for instance. Too late and she may need to end the date to get to bed so she can be
up in time the next day.

Lesson 3 178
Inexperienced men often think it savvy to take a girl to a party or a nightclub. They hope the energy of
the place will “get her in the mood.” This is usually a bad decision though, for the following reasons:

•  Too many distractions: unless she’s already so into you she’ll hang off your arm the whole time,
you’ll usually have to compete for her attention with all the other things going on in the
environment.

•  Potential competitors: if she isn’t super into you, and happens to meet a man she is super into at the
party date you take her to, woe is you. Taking a girl you haven’t slept with to a party is like taking a
pack of jerky into a pen full of hungry wolves. You may make it out with your limbs intact and the
jerky still in your hands, but was the risk worth it?

•  You will be judged: are you the coolest, hippest, most connected man at the party? Because women
judge you constantly versus the men around you... especially when deciding whether to sleep with
you or not. If you’re in a tranquil coffee shop, there usually won’t be any other studs around to put
you in a poorer light. Ditto if you meet up at an arcade, or go on a picnic, or hang out at your place.
But take her to a party, and all bets are off.

The exception: if you take a girl to a party where you are highly socially proofed (everyone knows you
and loves you), and even better, if you are preselected (attractive women openly flirt with you in front of
her), and you are able to keep most of your attention on your date and maintain attainability, this can
make it all but assured she ends up with you. But you need your ducks in a row to pull this off.

Lesson 3 179
Kissing too early can often ruin the mystique, especially if you let her end the kiss first and control when
you kiss and how much.

However, there are some situations where it makes sense:

•  You can kiss her on the cheek as thanks for doing something for you

•  You can pull her aside and kiss her suddenly and spontaneously. Then end the kiss and continue on
like nothing happened

•  You can kiss her passionately early on. Then end the kiss and say, “What are we doing, I don’t even
know you yet” and continue to build similarity

Lesson 3 180
This concept is simple enough:

If it’s easier or more comfortable for her to say “no” to

you, she will probably say “no.”

If it’s easier or more comfortable for her to say “yes” to

you, she will probably say “yes.”

Your job is to make it easier and more comfortable for

her to say “yes” to whatever you ask her to do.

Lesson 3 181
The easiest ways to streamline the “hook up with
her” or “make her your girlfriend process” are:

•  Improve your fundamentals

•  Build an end-to-end process (and follow it)
•  Stick to SAC (similarity, arousal, compliance)
•  Pick the right dates for the right girls/situations
•  Always have the end in mind (usually: sex)

Lesson 3 182
Fun dates can be really effective, but a lot of men use them wrong. Fun dates
include:

•  Amusement parks
•  Ice-skating rinks
•  Laser tag
•  Arcades

… and the like. The way to use fun is to sandwich it

between conversation, and to have a lot of playful banter
and physicality throughout your fun dates.

It’s also important to capitalize on the energy physical

activities like ice-skating and laser tag whip up. Research
shows acute (i.e., intense) physical activity increases sexual
arousal.* But she’ll lose interest in you if you prime her, yet
fail to deliver.

Lesson 3 * Meston & Gorzalka, 1995 183

You can use the one date process at any point with a
woman... even after you’ve just met.

For instance, if you meet at a bar, you can move her

around the bar, talk with her there, take her to a late-
night diner, then back to your place for a nightcap.
That’s a structured date.

Or if you meet her at a grocery store, you can banter

and flirt with her there, then take her straight back to
your place to cook dinner. That’s an easy date.
Lesson 3 184
The basic steps you must follow on every one date (any experience with a girl where the end goal is physical intimacy):

1.  Test her interest level right away to see if you can skip steps. How aroused does she seem, is she being more
combative or compliant, etc.

2.  Begin with playful banter and light touches to build a dynamic, sexual vibe

3.  Move her soon into the date – the first move (or venue change) should come within 10 minutes

4.  If she is playful: continue to tease and banter with her while you escalate touch and get more investment from
her. If she is reserved: move to deep diving while you sprinkle in playfulness and banter to keep things from
getting too heavy, and continue to escalate touch and compliance.

5.  Break the pattern: change from what you’ve been doing into doing something else, before the earlier part of the
date gets stale. This can be anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours into whatever you were doing earlier (sitting
and talking, playing at an arcade, going on a hike, shooting pool)... but you must change before the energy drops,
or it’ll feel like you’re clueless or scared. At that point, her interest in you will begin to fade.

6.  Take her home: at some point, usually following a high point, you must invite her home. You can do this by
asking her to go watch movies, cook dinner together, or have a nightcap. Or you can even just tell her you want to
relax and unwind together.

7.  Make your move: the easiest way to do this is to kiss her within 10 minutes of having her back at your place.

Lesson 3 185
 When you’re new (and often
even when you’re not), you
should spend an hour or two
planning the logistics of each
date you go on.

It’s good to write it down. If you

want to bring the date plan with
you on a piece of paper, this can
serve as a reminder of what you
need to do. You can sneak a peek
at it when she’s in the restroom, or
just put your fingers on it in your
pocket to remind yourself.
Lesson 3 186
Ignore the error if you can do so in a socially
savvy way, or briefly address it if you can’t
(“Whoops, that wasn’t a good idea. Okay, how
about we X instead”).

Either way, course correct and find a way to

keep momentum rolling on the date. Keep
things fun, intriguing, and sexually exciting for
her (don’t stop touching her or playing with her).

Lesson 3 187
When a girl signals she wants you to take things to the next
step and you miss these signals, what happens next depends
on her personality, her situation, and how much she likes you.

If she only kind of likes you, that may be the only chance you
get. Same if she has a hot temper (“All right, screw that guy,
he’s blind”). Or she has a lot of options (like in a bar) and
there’s not a lot of difference to her between them and you.

On the other hand, if she really likes you, and her other
options aren’t as awesome as you, you may miss some
windows like this and still get more chances from her to
escalate.

Don’t bet on this though. It’s just good form to take

the opportunities you get with her.

Lesson 3 188
Some of the ways a woman will signal she’s ready:

•  She suddenly gets quiet and lets the conversation die. Act fast on this sign or it
gets awkward for her... she feels like she made it obvious and you rejected her if
you don’t act.

•  She asks you logistical questions that seemingly come from nowhere. “Where
do you live?” “Do you have roommates?” “Do you have a girlfriend?”

•  She starts stroking a bottle or cup or other cylindrical object the way she might
stroke a penis. She’s thinking about stroking yours, is usually what this means.

•  She slips into “bedroom mode.” Droopy eyes, wistful smile, voice becomes more
feline / seems to have a purr to it, cheeks flush, body relaxes, other signs like this.

•  She gets closer to you or becomes noticeably more touchy with you.

Lesson 3 189
Date compression is when you take a girl on multiple dates, but compress all these dates into a short
period of time. For instance, 3 dates in a week, or 4 dates in two weeks.

If you don’t feel ready to do it all in one date just yet, you can use date compression to spread your
courtship across multiple dates, yet still have it all happen fast. If she likes you, she will be excited to
see you more often – women rarely object to whirlwind romances.

Lesson 3 190
You will usually use different dates at different stages of date compression. For
instance:

1.  Date #1 could be a group activity, or an informational date

2.  Date #2 might be a restaurant, then ice cream

3.  Date #3 might be another restaurant, then drinks, or you invite her home,
or you end the date. Or maybe it’s a fun date. Or you may just invite her
straight to your place for Date #3 (an easy date)

4.  Date #4, if you get this far, will usually be an easy date: invite her to your
place to cook dinner

All this can happen in 1 or 2 weeks – it needn’t take long.

Lesson 3 191
Jamming a bunch of great experiences into a short amount
of time... whether in just one date or one first experience,
or across several dates spaced not so far apart in date
compression... is an extremely effective way to turn
strangers into lovers.

The reason this works so well is because it is exciting,

unusual, and wonderful. It’s also much like the stories
women watch in romance movies or read about in romance
novels. In other words, it is like women’s fantasies... where
they connect with a man so well, and share such wonderful
experiences, that they don’t want to wait, and don’t have to
wait.

If you can give her that “I don’t want to wait” feeling, you
don’t have to take the plodding pace most men take (that
often ends with the girl losing interest and the guy’s effort
being for naught).

Lesson 3 192
No. Do not call what you’re doing a “date.”

Just tell her you’d like to grab a bite or a drink with her.

Tell her you’d like to see her. That you enjoy spending
time with her.

Leave it ambiguous exactly what this is. Don’t use words

that a woman may have preconceived notions attached to
(“Well, if we’re dating, I expect him to X”).

Lesson 3 193
It’s important you be the first to end things, like:

•  Ending dates
•  Ending kisses
•  Ending conversational threads

… as well as to be the first to make moves, like:

•  Changing venues
•  Inviting her home
•  Initiating kisses

The reason this is important is because it puts you in an active state of mind, and
her in a receptive state of mind. That means you get to lead, while she follows. Which
means things are more likely to go how YOU want them to go. Even if she wants to go
to bed with you, don’t trust her to lead things there – she does not have a process. You,
on the other hand, if you’ve been paying attention to this course, do.

Lesson 3 194
If she proposes leaving or ending the date, or ends a kiss, or anything along those lines,
before you do, you have two (2) options.

1.  Let her end it and make it as tiny a deal as possible. Don’t make any jokes,
don’t protest, don’t act surprised, just be totally composed about it and continue
on as if nothing happened. This minimizes the effect of her action.

2.  Delay ending it... then YOU end it. For instance say she ends the kiss. You say,
“Okay...” then pull her in and say, “Wait, one moment,” and kiss her again. Then
you push her gently away and say, “Okay, get off of me,” with a smile. Or say she
says she wants to go; you say, “Okay,” pause a moment, then say, “Hold on,
before we do...” and ask her something. A minute later, tell her, “Okay, let’s get
out of here.”

Option #2 is usually much preferable to option #1. But if you aren’t yet confident
enough to attempt #2, #1 is still an okay-enough option.

Lesson 3 195
 How do you know if you can skip
steps?

How do you realize you can throw

out most of your date plan and just
take her straight home after lunch to
get together?

How do you know you can scrap

your plan for a Date #3 and just
invite her back with you at the end of
Date 2 instead?

You know by paying attention to

the signals she gives you, and
gauging how attracted she is, and
how compliant.

Lesson 3 196
 The main signals to look for are the
ones we discussed earlier (see: “Ways
She’ll Signal She’s Ready”). Look for
these, and if you see them, try skipping
steps.

Another big signal is if you propose

something not that intimate (e.g. “Let’s
hit the arcade”) and she seems ho-hum
(“Okay” [polite smile]). If you get this
kind of reaction, ping her with
something like, “Or we could head back
and put a movie on and I can mix us
some drinks.” If she seems more
excited about this latter idea, ditch
the less intimate offer and go for the
more intimate one.

Lesson 3 197
You can skip all them, in theory.

It depends on the girl. Some girls will be greatly into you,

and anything short of taking them somewhere private
right away will frustrate and disappoint them. They want
to get to know you body-to-body, not over a cup of coffee.

If you trust your instincts, you will be surprised how often

you can skip lots of steps with women. It happens much
more than most men realize, because most men ignore
their instincts and lack flexibility.
Lesson 3 198
There is no lower bound on how fast you can
sleep with women.

The only actual limit is your own flexibility. If a

woman signals she’s ready to sleep with you
after 20 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, will you
pick up on it? Will you believe it? And will you
be willing and able to drop all your plans, figure
out the logistics, and make it happen?

That said, more typically, you can expect

physical intimacy to take anywhere from 45
minutes to 3 hours of face time... not including
time when you are not together – e.g. 10 minutes
when you first meet her, you take her number,
then another 2 hours on the date before you sleep
together... if you follow a sound process.

Lesson 3 199
The assignment for Lesson #3:

Spend an hour or two coming up with a solid go-to structured date plan
you can use with women you meet.

Example: Will you take girls to a nearby café, then for

a walk to your favorite ice cream parlor? Will you take
them to the arcade, then a pizza place, then for a walk
that ends back at your place? Plan your structure out.

Did you complete this assignment and share it on

the forum?

Lesson 3 200
The SAC model works like this:

•  Similarity allows women to feel comfortable, open, vulnerable, and connected with
you. People feel more attraction to those they feel more similar to, and less
attraction to those they feel dissimilar to. The more similarity you establish, the
warmer she is toward you.

•  Arousal allows women to feel excited, “switched on”, and sexually energized by
you. They view you as a viable sexual option, and being around you gets their
adrenaline pumping, yanks them out of autopilot (nonconscious decision making*),
and compels them to start thinking about “you and them.”

•  Compliance allows women to follow your lead. It gets them used to doing bigger
and bigger things you ask of them. Compliance makes it easy for women to say
“yes” to what you ask them to do.

Put all these together, and you are an absolute ATTRACTION MONSTER.

Lesson 4 * Lewicki, Hill, & Czyzewska, 1992 202

Wouldn’t it be nice if women chased you for a
change? In fact, women do chase men, and they do
it all the time. The One Date System and its SAC
model allows you to trigger this behavior
particularly well.

However, when women chase, this chasing is

frequently subtle. And not only do most men miss it
– most men don’t even know how to trigger it.

That will change once you’ve completed this lesson.

Lesson 4 203
 Women rarely chase overtly. Their
“chase signals” are usually covert...
designed to leave room for women to
deny what they were trying to do in the
event reputation demands it.*

Because of this, women often use what

seem to men to be mixed messages...
when, in reality, they’re simply
chasing after a man they want.

Lesson 4 * de Weerth & Kalma, 1995; Clark, Shaver, & Abrahams, 1999; Ross, 2014 204
Some examples of how a woman will chase:

•  She’ll tell you the two of you “should hang out sometime”
•  She’ll buy you food or a drink without your asking her
•  She’ll linger around and wait when you haven’t said you want to
spend time with her
•  She’ll be more accommodating of you than she is of others
•  She’ll touch you proactively (you’ll notice her touching you)
•  She’ll go out of her way to talk to or flirt with you
•  She’ll initiate conversations with you and fill in pauses
•  She’ll tell her friends she’s fine (i.e., to leave her with you)
•  She’ll ask you about yourself in a very interested way

Lesson 4 205
People more highly value things they feel they “created” or
“arranged” with their own efforts (like IKEA furniture).* This
applies as much to who’s chasing whom in a courtship and
doing much of the work, as it does to anything else.

When you chase a woman and she sits back and lets you do it,
she is not invested. Thus, she does not value you as highly as
she could... if she were the one doing more of the chasing,
expending more of the effort, and sweating over whether she
will get you or not. If you can make her chase, you don’t
just become higher value to her. You put yourself in a much
better position to get the kind of relationship you want with
her, too.

Lesson 4 * Norton, Mochon, & Ariely, 2012 206

What a woman wants affects her willingness to chase.

If she’s just left a stifling relationship, and she meets a

very sexy man, she may chase hard for sex. But if she
meets a man who seems like a great boyfriend, she may
not chase at all.

On the other hand, if she’s grown tired of disposable sex

and meets a great prospective boyfriend, she may chase
him hard. Yet if she meets a merely sexy man, she may
have had her fill of that already and not chase.
Lesson 4 207
Women appear to experience sexual
desire responsively, not
spontaneously.*

That means that men do not “create”

sexual desire in a woman out of thin
air (i.e., it’s not spontaneous).

Instead, a woman who wants sex

searches out stimuli (men) who
can satisfy her craving for it.
Lesson 4 * Basson, 2000 208
Women on the birth control pill have different hormonal profiles than
women not on it due to effects of progesterone.

Because their bodies stop searching for men with good genes to
impregnate them, they look less for sexually desirable and genetically
complementary men and search instead for stable romantic partners.
But women chase excitement, not stability, and when the desire for
exciting partners recedes, so does a woman’s tendency to chase.*

A woman off the pill is much more prone to chasing behavior,

however also generally a better judge of what she wants
long-term (women who meet partners while on the
birth control pill frequently lose attraction for
those partners after going off it).†

Lesson 4 * Roberts, et al., 2011 | † Haselton & Gildersleeve, 2011 209

Vasopressin is an aggression-inducing hormone.* This works well with the male sex
drive since the male is typically the aggressor and the penetrating partner, and because
the male sex drive does not rely on oxytocin, a bonding hormone.

The female sex drive is largely influenced by the presence of oxytocin, which makes a
woman feel bonded to someone and safe with a male.† As the receptive partner, this
likely means she feels safe enough to receive him sexually.

Because oxytocin and vasopressin have extremely similar structures, vasopressin can
bind to oxytocin receptors and block the binding of oxytocin to the oxytocin receptors
in women’s brains, preventing them from feeling connected to you / trusting you.

Vasopressin is released more as stress levels go up. This means that typically, you’ll
notice as women become more stressed, their interest in chasing you falls... and
any sexual tension you had with them begins to dry up. While men can find stressful
situations a turn-on, women typically need to feel safe.

* Coccaro, Kavoussi, Hauger, Cooper, & Ferris, 1998 | † Anderson-Hunt & Dennerstein, 1995;
Lesson 4 210
Blaicher, Gruber, Bieglmayer, Blaicher, Knogler, & Huber, 1999
A woman will begin hunting for a sex partner for many reasons:

•  She’s horny
•  She’s lonely
•  She’s ovulating (fertile)
•  She’s just finished a major project and needs a release
•  She’s just broken up and needs to assert her independence
•  She’s fought with her partner and wants revenge or revalidation
•  She’s given up on a guy she likes and wants to feel free again
•  Her friends are all hooking up and she doesn’t want to be left out

The major elements you’ll see in women hunting for sex are carnal lust, a
search for freedom, the desire to feel wanted by a man, and a desire to be
a part of the crowd.

Lesson 4 211
A woman will begin hunting for long-term partner for many reasons:

•  She’s lonely
•  She wants a companion and love (or someone to love)
•  She’s tired of empty sex with strangers
•  Or she’s horny but only wants sex with a committed partner
•  She’s stressed or depressed and needs a man to center herself
•  Her family members are pressuring her to “get serious”
•  Her friends are all pairing up and she doesn’t want to be the only single
•  Her biological clock is ticking increasingly loudly

The major elements you’ll see in women hunting for boyfriends are
loneliness, social pressure, fear of being “left behind”, and the desire to
love and be loved in return.

Lesson 4 212
 If she’s not on the prowl, you’ll have a
tougher time. It’s doable, but you need
more similarity, more arousal, more
everything – essentially, you need to be
better.

Fortunately, by using what we’ll

discuss in this lesson, you’ll be
coming out of the gates with better
everything already.
Lesson 4 213
A note on VAC (the attraction model).

Women are most likely to chase you when:

•  Your value is sufficiently high

•  They are well-invested in you
•  You’re just on the cusp of being attainable

If your attainability is too high (i.e., you’re too easy to get),

women will not chase because there’s no need to. They’ll
assume you’ll do the work yourself if it already looks that
surefire to them.

Lesson 4 214
It’s also important to mind the differences in kinds of value you can convey compared
to what a woman’s in search of.

A woman who’s looking for a boyfriend may not respond to a man with high arousal
value, but will respond to one with high connection value.

Alternately, a woman who’s looking for lovers may not respond to a man highly similar
to her, but will respond to one who triggers lots of arousal and makes her comply.

Lesson 4 215
It’s always important to come across as a high value individual.
Impressiveness is a part of that.

Most men however go overboard to try to prove their value to women

and be hugely impressive. The result is they miss the mark on
similarity... and come across as either showboats, or statuesque “out of
her league” pictures of perfection.

Such men are often shocked to watch the women they wanted go
home with or start to date men who seem far less impressive on the
surface... but who are far more relatable.

Not only is similarity crucial to attraction*, but it excites her, too. The
more she feels she has in common with you, or the more genuine
interest you show in what she says, the more excited she becomes.†

Lesson 4 * Kiesler & Goldberg, 1968 | † McFarland, Jurafsky, & Rawlings, 2013 216
Women (unlike most men) tend to require a
degree of psychological involvement before
they’re ready to engage in sex for pleasure.*

Whether that involvement comes from similarity

(in the case of connection-seekers) or arousal (in
the case of arousal-seekers), or even simply
compliance, they still need to feel it before
they’re ready to have sex with you.

Lesson 4 * Carroll, Volk, & Hyde, 1985 217

The big secret to establishing similarity is to get
women to talk about themselves, and to look for
topics you both share a common interest in.

Lesson 4 218
You can date women you’re not alike to if you build similarity.
Likewise, if you and her are the most similar people in the world she
will still not desire you if you do not show her that similarity. Perceived
similarity (how similar she thinks the two of you are) is what impacts
attraction; how similar you actually are has no effect if she can’t see
it.*

This is why it is so vital to actually use the techniques and build

similarity. No matter how similar you and her are, if you don’t help her
see it, that similarity may be invisible to her. Actual similarity trumps
perceived similarity if she sees it;† but she must be able to see it, first!

Don’t worry if you get a girl onto dates, sex, or a relationship whom
you aren’t actually similar to. Once you and her are a couple, similarity
no longer matters much.† It mostly only affects things at the start.

Lesson 4 * Tidwell, Eastwick, & Finkel, 2013 | † Montoya, Horton, & Kirchner, 2008 219
Most women will open up fairly easily to the right conversation. The
important parts are:

•  Get past small talk: ask her personal questions. Motivational

questions are usually best here: “So why’d you move to X city?”
“What made you want to be a Y profession?”

•  Show interest in her answers: if you’re genuinely interested (often

showed by asking more probing questions), and it’s a topic she likes
to talk about, she’ll open up about it more.

•  Periodically share your own anecdotes: if she says she’s from a

city you’ve visited, it’s easy to smile and say, “They have great
snows in the winter there,” or, “The Italian food there is the best in
the US.”

Lesson 4 220
Most penetrating questions are motivational questions, because
they:

a)  Get her to think about why she did something. This is a
much deeper, more central part of her and her personality
than what she did.

b)  Get her to talk about things with you very quickly that she
almost never talks about with anyone. And

c)  Have to actually think about her answers and probe into
herself. This engages her in the conversation in a way that,
“How about this weather?” can never achieve.
Lesson 4 221
Note we do not include:

•  What kind of guys do you date?

•  What was your last boyfriend like?
•  Think you’ll ever settle down?
•  What’s the longest relationship you’ve had?

Anything that makes it sound like you are cruising for a

wife, essentially, is off-limits. If she likes you as a boyfriend,
she’ll know she’s already got you in the bag (and there goes all
the fun for her). And if she just wanted you as a lover,
questions like this can make her write you off.

Lesson 4 222
Girls are more attracted to men who interrupt them.* While the
male conversation style relies on men patiently waiting their
turns to make their points, so as not to step on one another’s
toes, the female conversation style involves interjections
and interruptions that show the parties relate.

So, don’t think you need to sit there and respectfully wait for
her to finish. If you have something that relates to what she’s
saying, interrupt and tell her. She’ll be more attracted to you
because of it.

(when you do listen to her, don’t forget to nod; a head nod

tells her you relate, and asks her to continue†)

Lesson 4 * McFarland, et al., 2013 | † Stivers, 2008 223

The following all convey greater intimacy/trust*:

•  High eye contact

•  Close proximity
•  Forward body lean
•  Smiling

… while these signs convey detachment:

•  Low eye contact

•  A distal (not close) position
•  Backward body lean
•  No smiling

High eye contact and close proximity + smiling show less emotional arousal... while
high eye contact and close proximity with no smiling show dominance and control.

Lesson 4 * Burgoon, Buller, Hale, & Turck, 1984; Burgoon, Manusov, Mineo, & Hale, 1985 224
If it seems like you’re trying to match yourself to her too closely, or like you
agree with everything she says and have no independent opinions of your own,
you’ll start to seem fake.

The way around this is to share anecdotes and experiences, or things

you’ve enjoyed instead of opinions. Let her get a taste of your personality
through these (instead of sharing your opinions, which often divide).

For instance, you might say, “You know, my favorite thing about travel is
getting immersed in this completely different culture where everything is new
and I’m forced to pay attention to life and not do things on autopilot.” Even if
her favorite thing about travel is the food (or the men!), she’ll still appreciate
this.

Just don’t differentiate yourself too far. Women prefer men with similar
interests to them, after all, too!*

Lesson 4 * Touhey, 1972 225

 Even if you forget to get
women complying and you
don’t break any rules, doing a
solid job on your similarity
can still be enough to make
women chase after you.

They aren’t going to chase you

as hard as they’ll chase if you
leverage the other two parts of
SAC as well, but they’ll still
give some pursuit.

Lesson 4 226
 Breaking rules shows you are not a
follower... you’re someone who
makes his own rules and is able to
avoid or at least doesn’t fear the
penalties for rule-breaking.

Women desire men at the top of

the social hierarchy, and skirting
the rules is one of the clearest
signs a man likely is this. This is
why research shows rule-breaking
and non-conformance highly
attractive traits to women... and
among the most important traits in
determining whether someone is
socially attractive (i.e., “cool”).*
* Baumeister & Sommer, 1997; Coyle & Kaschak, 2012; Dar-Nimrod, Hansen, Proulx, Lehman,
Lesson 4 227
Chapman, & Duberstein, 2012; Eagly, Wood, & Fishbaugh, 1981
Risky impulsivity is highly correlated with an unrestricted sociosexual
orientation – that is, taking spontaneous risks tells her you’re a guy who’s
comfortable with and casual about sex.* Across the animal kingdom, boldness
in males leads to greater reproductive success (at some survival cost).†

Further, when you break rules, you likely activate the same “excitement/risk”
parts of a woman’s brain she experiences when gazing upon an extremely
masculine-looking man, watching a horror film, or crossing a shaky bridge.‡
And this feeling of arousal is tied closely to how she values men romantically.§

Put all this together, and by “spontaneously” breaking a few rules you can
communicate to women that you are comfortable with sex, a
reproductively successful man, a masculine man, and an exciting man.

Pretty good deal, right?

* Cross, 2010 | † Smith & Blumstein, 2008 | ‡ Dutton & Aron, 1974; Rupp, et al., 2009 | § Aron,
Lesson 4 228
Norman, Aron, McKenna, & Heyman, 2000; Coulter & Malouff, 2013
Arousal further raises a woman’s testosterone
(assuming she is not on birth control).* This is a
good thing, as higher testosterone levels in women
stimulate greater risk-taking†, a higher sex drive,
more actual sex, and less worry/fear.‡

Neat, right? Turn her on and her hormone levels

surge... and she becomes more ready to risk, more
willing to mate, and less concerned with things that
might stop her.
* Goldey & van Anders, 2011 | † Sapienza, Zingales, & Maestripieri, 2009
Lesson 4 229
‡ Buster, et al., 2005; Simon, et al., 2005
Psychological arousal starts out undifferentiated in the brain. Only after you
examine your situation do you decide what caused your arousal.*

In other words, whether arousal is caused by fear, excitement, sexual

signals, or anything else, it is the same emotion... and she does not interpret
it as “I’m turned on” or “I’m frightened” or anything else until she looks at
what’s happening around her to decide what’s caused it.

Thus, misattribution of arousal is common. Guys use horror movies on dates

because the fright creates arousal... and when your arm is around her and
you’ve pulled her close, she misattributes this arousal as sexual.

But it goes the other way too: a girl may misinterpret sexual arousal you create
as another type of arousal. This is where creepiness comes in; she feels
aroused, but if you don't seem sexy enough, she assumes that arousal is fear.

Lesson 4 * Tesser & Reardon, 1981 230

Over the years, scientists have hooked men and women up to something called a
plethysmograph. What a plethysmograph is is a device used to measure blood flow to
the genitals. In other words, it lets a scientist see how aroused (or not) someone actually
is.

What they've found is fascinating. What men claim arouses them is actually what
arouses them. Pornographic videos of women turn on straight men, but not gay men.
And pornographic videos of men turn on gay men, but not straight men. But women?
All over the place. Female sexuality, the researchers have found, is fluid. All types of
pornography (gay, straight, lesbian) arouses all types of women (straight, lesbian).*
Even watching chimpanzees have sex turns women on.† But what's perhaps more
surprising is women don’t realize they’re turned on. She doesn’t know watching two
girls or two chimpanzees has aroused her. Blood flow goes up, but her own arousal
remains invisible to her. Women who watch these videos claim “no effect.”

A 2014 study of flamenco dancers discovered male and female partners become
aroused at the same time... yet while the men are aware of their arousal, the women
usually aren’t (or only admit to being ‘slightly aroused’).‡ She gets turned on at the
same time you do – but she won’t admit it or doesn’t realize it.

* Chivers, Rieger, Latty, & Bailey, 2004; Chivers, Seto, Lalumière, Laan, & Grimbos, 2010 | †
Lesson 4 231
Chivers & Bailey, 2005 | ‡ Salazar-López, Verdejo, & Gómez-Milán, 2014
You guard against a girl misattributing sexual arousal to
something else by using enough cues that the sexual nature
of her arousal is indisputable.* For example:

•  Touch her (better still, make her touch you)

•  Use sexual innuendo, chase frames, and sex talk

•  Call out positive behavior (“I’m glad you’re closer to me

now” “That’s a beautiful smile”)

•  Do other items from this lesson to highlight her chasing you

Lesson 4 * Cantor, Zillman, & Bryant, 1975 232

There is an alternate theory to explain the “scary/risky
stuff leads to romantic/sexual feelings” phenomenon.
According to this theory, put forth by Douglas Kenrick
and Robert Cialdini, it is not that arousal is misattributed
but rather that the presence of the other person reassures.*

If this theory is correct, merely by you being present with

her during a scary or risky scenario, you provide her
safety, and thus strengthen the bond with her. Here, your
presence actually increases trust – and thus has the same
effect as building similarity (which also builds trust).

Lesson 4 * Kenrick & Cialdini, 1977 233

Any kind of rule-breaking, just about, is good for arousal, not to
mention your “cool factor.” However, some rule breaks are better than
others:

•  Breaking a rule and getting away with it (whether no one catches

you, or you talk your way out of the consequences)

•  Being a “reformed rule breaker” (I used to do drugs / have trouble

with the law / go to prison / etc., but I’ve since turned my life
around)

•  Breaking rules where you include her in the rule-breaking (so

long as you don’t stress her out too much, this is good)

Lesson 4 234
Women are attracted to men with elements of defying the law in their
background.*

Different women have different tolerances for criminality. A

conservative girl might think a guy who was arrested for marijuana
possession once (but now he doesn’t smoke and police officers all like
him) is exciting... while to her a guy who regularly does hard drugs and
has ongoing brushes with the law is too dangerous.
It’s okay to share your stories about breaking the law if
you do it in a way it doesn’t seem like you’re bragging.

Essentially, this works best if you treat it like a Byronic

character flaw. One she has to work, dig, and peel some
masks off to reveal.

Also, if you are actually breaking laws and doing time, for
all but the most risqué women it’s going to be best if this
is something in your past and not your present.

Lesson 4 236
Usually you’ll be breaking rules, not laws.
Breaking laws can make you attractive, framed
right... but there’re many ways to get this wrong
and make yourself look scary or unstable, too.

Instead, you want to break little social rules you

won’t get into much trouble for breaking. Just
enough to paint yourself as a man who operates
outside the usual conventions.

This includes cutting the line with her... having the

waitress bring you something that isn’t on the
menu... being more physical with her in public than
is “acceptable”... or taking her somewhere off-limits
to the public, like a closed-off rooftop or sneaking
into a park or building after-hours.

Lesson 4 237
Here are some fun rules to (jointly) break:

•  Have her help you leave your belongings somewhere you’re not supposed to (e.g. have her get a guard to let you
park your car somewhere off-limits, or find a place to leave your coat indoors)

•  Talk your way into somewhere you’re not supposed to be and bring her along (a closed wing of a museum, a private
airport lounge, a shop or store that’s closed for the day but you still need something from it)

•  Take her to a backstage or behind-the-scenes area (back stage at a play or concert, take her into the kitchen of a
restaurant, into the storage area of a department store, etc.), or have her use an employee bathroom if no other
washrooms are nearby

•  Take her to an off-limits part of a beach, park, mountain trail, or cave (though do be safe, places like this are often
off-limits because they’re more dangerous)

•  In a bar, have her ask another man to buy her drinks for herself and her “friend” (you, but she won’t tell him that),
then come meet you with the drink for her and the drink for you after she’s thanked him and left

•  In a nightclub, take her hand and walk confidently into the VIP section as though you belong there (95% of the time,
no one will stop you)

•  Be overly physical with her somewhere in public or out of the public view, or have sex in public (beach, park,
alleyway, dark stairwell at night, behind a vending machine, in a construction site or abandoned building, etc.)

Lesson 4 238
When you pull a woman along on a rule-
breaking expedition (assuming you aren’t
up to anything criminal or unsafe), the
normal emotions to expect are:

•  Hesitancy (“Are you sure we can?”)

•  Buy-in (“Okay, let’s do it!”)

•  Satisfaction (“I’m glad we did it”)

Lesson 4 239
It’s almost impossible to be alive and not break laws some of the time. Exceeding the
speed limit, driving after a little too much to drink, being drunk in public (if you’re in
the US), harmless-but-illegal substances like marijuana.

If you’re in the UK, a joke that’s too raunchy, ribald, or insensitive is illegal, and
everyone makes jokes like this.

That said, aside from the occasional trespassing on private property (don’t steal or
damage anything) or the odd noise violation here or there, don’t break laws with
women.

Not only do you risk going too far and seeming “dangerous” to her, but you risk
stressing her out too much (and there goes any sexual tension). You risk having the
party busted by the police or security guards (I once climbed a 12-foot gate and went
skinny dipping with a few girls in their apartment compound pool after-hours... all was
great until security showed up with flashlights in our faces and our clothes around the
pool). And you risk getting the poor girl in trouble herself. Just steer clear of
situations where there’s any real risk of getting in trouble or causing any harm.

Lesson 4 240
There are less dramatic ways to build arousal, too:

1.  Spontaneity and surprise

2.  Flirtatiousness, playful banter, push-pull, touch, and risqué dialogue
3.  Doing something that gets the blood pumping (riding a roller coaster, attending a
comedy show, watching a horror movie, going for a swim together, etc.)

The first two break implicit rules. Rules like how you’re supposed to be reliable and
predictable with women so they don’t think you’re dangerous and unpredictable (in the
case of spontaneity/surprise). And rules like how you’re supposed to be a nice
gentleman with women who doesn’t do anything too bold (in the case of being
flirtatious, touchy, risqué, etc.).

The third triggers non-sexual arousal. Yet because she’s with you, assuming you
touch her and flirt with her, this arousal is reinterpreted by her brain AS sexual
arousal. She’ll look for environmental cues to the source of her arousal... and find you.

Lesson 4 241
The use of improprieties, such as:

•  Making fun of someone not present, and

•  Teasing the girl you’re courting herself

… trigger arousal (by creating “interactive trouble”).

Next, successfully navigating the “trouble” you
create with improprieties then builds similarity,
too.* Thus, teasing, flirting, and improprieties
increase both arousal and similarity.

Lesson 4 * Korobov & Laplante, 2013 242

 Arousal works best to get women chasing after you you
generate some arousal, but haven’t done much joint
arousal-building yet.

That’s because once you start breaking rules or doing

other arousal-building exercises jointly, it feels like you
are “in this together.” At that point, girls don’t need to
chase.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Being “in this

together” is a later stage of a courtship. It’s also a more
stable position in that courtship, and closer to sex than
the (earlier) chasing stage.

However, as with the other two parts of SAC, arousal

works best in combination with its sister elements...
though it can be enough to get her to chase all on its
own.

Lesson 4 243
An expectancy violation is when you do something that is not expected.
Because you violate expectations, you snap her to attention; this is arousing.
Done right, you can increase both similarity and arousal by violating her
expectations.

There are several ways you can violate expectations. If you violate
expectations by closing yourself off or creating distance from her, she feels
less similarity.

However, if you violate her expectations by drawing nearer to her, leaning in,
opening your body language up more, staring more deeply into her eyes, and
otherwise communicating greater closeness and immediacy, arousal goes up,
and similarity does too.*

Greater immediacy also causes her to reciprocate. When you do this, she’ll
often lean in and close the distance with you too.†

Lesson 4 * Burgoon & Hale, 1988; Burgoon, 1993 | † Hale & Burgoon, 1984 244
Helpful/beneficial violations include*:
•  Attentive touch •  Less touching of objects
•  Attentive proximity (e.g., a pen or glass)
•  Forward lean •  Facial expressiveness
•  Relaxed laughter •  Vocal warmth/interest
•  Coordinated speech •  Deeper voice pitch
•  Fewer silences •  Less random movement
•  Fewer pauses •  More vocal attentiveness

Lesson 4 * Coker & Burgoon, 1987 245

Our third step in SAC is getting small favors from women.

This works because the more someone invests in you, the less she wants to
let you go (the “sunk cost effect”).* And the more she rationalizes that for
her to have invested this much, you must be a good investment.

This is the opposite of what most men do... where they try to invest in women
as much as possible to prove how reliable and trustworthy they are. Or where
they try to do things to make her feel “obligated.”

When you invest a lot and she invests little, she doesn’t feel gratitude to
you or admiration for you. She just feels like for whatever reason, the two of
you simply didn’t “click”.

The way around this is not to invest so much yourself, but to get her to.

Lesson 4 * Coleman, 2009; Norton, Mochon, & Ariely, 2012 246

Many men use a reciprocity approach to
dating. Here, the man invests in a woman with
the expectation that she will then feel obligated
to spend time with him, get to know him, go
out with him... or even sleep with or date him.

The problem with the reciprocity approach

is that people can tell when someone’s
intentions are to get something back for
their kindness and gifts... and they resent it.*
This approach may work for, say, a beggar
pressing a flower into your hand and asking for
a donation. But it’s not an effective approach
for bigger decisions (like whether to go out on
dates with a guy, sleep with him, or become his
girlfriend).
Benjamin Franklin writes that during his government service, he
made an enemy inside the government.

He wanted to make this man a friend instead of an enemy, and

came up with a plan to do so. One day Franklin wrote the man to
ask if he would loan Franklin a rare book from his library.

The man agreed, sending over the book. Franklin promptly read
the book and returned it with thanks a week later. The next time
the two men met, they discussed the book, set their enmity aside,
and eventually became lifelong friends.

Franklin remarked that those who’ve done you favors are

much more likely to do you more favors than those you’ve
done favors for yourself.

If you want her to do for you, then start by asking her to do for
you.

Lesson 4 * Franklin, 1793 248

The Breadcrumb Principle is simply this: if you want a girl to date you,
come home with you, sleep with you, or become your girlfriend, don’t have
her stumble through the woods to get there. Instead, leave a little trail of
breadcrumbs she can follow to along the way.

Once she complies with a smaller request, she is more likely to agree to larger
ones after.* Thus, the breadcrumbs you use are the small favors you ask her
for. Every time she complies with you, she makes another small decision to
invest in the courtship... and in you.

What men usually do is they leave no trail of breadcrumbs. Instead they wait
until they want to ask a girl to do something important and then just take the
whole loaf of bread and dump it on the ground somewhere. By instead laying a
trail, a little at a time, you allow her to avoid any giant, intimidating
decisions... and instead let her continually make smaller, easier decisions on
the road to intimacy with you.

Lesson 4 * Freedman & Fraser, 1966; Gross, Wallston, & Piliavin, 1975 249
When a girl complies with you, you activate a dominance-
submission frame in her mind.* That means that her
compliance implies her submission.

While you might not like to submit to compliance demands

yourself, bear this in mind: men and women comply
differently. Women comply significantly more to demanding
requests than men do.† They are different from you in this
way. Women respond better to strong male leaders.

As a woman submits to you, she becomes increasingly willing

to do what you ask her to and to follow your lead. You put
yourself in position to lead the courtship where you will.

Lesson 4 * Solomon, Dillard, & Anderson, 2002 | † Kleinke & Singer, 1979 250
You should start to ask a woman to invest in
conversation the moment you start to speak with
her. This screens out some women who just aren’t
interested in you, but every other girl will comply.

Lesson 4 251
Easy favors to ask her for early on into chatting:
•  Ask her to move a few feet over
with you
•  Ask her to give you her hand and
show you the bracelet she’s
wearing
•  Ask her to turn around and let you
see the dress she has on
•  Ask her to let you have a sip of her
drink
Lesson 4
•  Ask her to scoot over and make
room for you if she’s seated
•  Ask her to come join you at your
table if you’re the one sitting
•  Ask her to tell you about herself
•  Ask her to watch or hold
something for you for a moment
•  Ask her to give you directions
252
Across a wide range of personality measures
studied in doctor-patient relationships, the only
one that affected compliance was similarity.*

More to the point of courtship, if a girl feels

dissimilar to you, you will have a hard time
getting compliance from her. If she is
compliance resistant, odds are she simply doesn’t
feel similar enough to you yet.

Lesson 4 * Burgoon, et al., 1987 253

When you ask for compliance and touch at the same time, your requests are more
dominant, attractive, and likely to get a “yes”.* This may be due to the touch-status
effect: high status men touch more†... and people comply more with high status men.
Touch, and you seem high status; and people want to comply with you more.

The bigger the request, the more important touch is to get her to comply.‡ One function
of touch appears to be easing the touchee’s mental burden.§ That is, when you touch
her, you make it easier for her to “go with the flow” and just say “yes.”

All you need to do is touch her on the wrist, forearm, elbow, or upper arm when
asking. If you’re further into the courtship and can touch her in more intimate places
(like the small of her back, or between her shoulder blades; or, a light poke to her
belly), these work great too.

Additionally, touch is an expectancy violation, and one that carries lots of

favorable messages for a courtship. Good communicators (and if you’re building
similarity and arousal, you will be a good communicator) get the biggest attraction
boost of anyone when they use touch.ǁ

* Crusco & Wetzel, 1984; Goldman, Kiyohara, & Pfannensteil, 1985; Joule & Guéguen, 2007; Kleinke,
Lesson 4 1977; Nannberg & Hansen, 1994; Guéguen, 2002a, 2002b, 2007 | † Henley, 1973; Patterson, Powell, & 254
Lenihan, 1986 | ‡ Willis Jr. & Hamm, 1980 | § Hornik & Ellis, 1988 | ǁ Burgoon, Walther, & Baesler, 1992
Eye contact can increase compliance with your requests...* but there’s a catch:
it only works if the request is legitimate. If she thinks your compliance
request is not worthwhile, you’re better off without eye contact.†

For instance, if you tell her “Step over here, I want to show you something”,
eye contact helps, because that seems legitimate. But if you tell her “Hey, let
me have some of your drink, I’m thirsty” and you’ve just met her, you’re
better off without eye contact because it does not feel like a genuine request
(you don’t ask that of someone you’ve only just met).
 The voice tone you use when
you ask for compliance
matters, too. Expressive
voices receive more
compliance than flat voices
do.*

When you ask her to

comply, drop the
monotone. Use a little
vocal range instead.

Lesson 4 * Goldman & Fordyce, 1983 256

You have two options when a woman says no:

1.  Minimize it and move the conversation on

2.  Dig in and persist on having her comply

The first option minimizes the negative impact of rejected

compliance. The second option gambles: if you can get it, you
get a big boost from overcoming her resistance in a smooth,
effective way.

If you fail to get it though, you get a much larger negative hit
because you’ve made it a big deal, yet she’s still declined.

Lesson 4 257
With this strategy, you shrug off her
no and roll right on:

You: Let me see your bracelet, it’s

beautiful.
Her: [smiles and shakes head no]
You: Okay, maybe later. Anyway,
tell me; I’m trying to figure out
how to get to Penn Station…

Lesson 4 258
With this strategy, you dig in and try to
get a yes:

You: Let me see your bracelet, it’s

beautiful.
Her: [smiles and shakes head no]
You: Oh, come on, I just want to
have a look. I won’t bite.
[gesture for her to give you
her hand]

Lesson 4 259
If you overcome a woman’s resistance, one of two things will happen:

1.  If you make her feel good about complying, and reward her for her
compliance, you’ll see a large attraction spike

2.  If you browbeat her into complying, and fail to reward her for her it,
you’ll see her tire of the interaction and start to look for the exit

Making her feel good is about being empathetic and responsive to her
concerns as you (and after you) overcome her resistance.

Rewarding her properly is about showing genuine interest in and

appreciation for the favor she’s just done for you. e.g., with the bracelet
example, you’d compliment her on the bracelet, tell her it’s a really nice piece,
and remark on her exceptional taste.

Lesson 4 260
It’s best to avoid asking for too many favors of women in groups. Ask for the
necessary ones – scoot over and make room for you if she’s sitting, or make
room if standing... definitely make yourself comfortable.

However, don’t be too imposing in front of her friends. Imposing / favor-

getting behavior is attractive to the woman experiencing it, but looks
“risky” or “dangerous” to her friends.

Keep this in mind: women want the bad boy for themselves*, and the nice guy
for their girlfriends. If you act too “bad” in front of her friends (and “good
guys” give favors to women, they don’t ask for favors), the friends are a lot
more likely to interfere (cockblock).

Instead, rely on similarity and a little arousal in groups. Save most of your
compliance requests for once you’ve gotten a girl somewhere more private.

Lesson 4 * Urbaniak & Kilmann, 2006 261

 While it’s possible to start big – you can start by
introducing yourself and then immediately telling her,
“Hey, I need you to book us tickets to Paris for next
week” or “Take my hand, we’re getting out of here” –
except in special circumstances this usually won’t
work.

Instead, you need to start small and work your way up

to big. You need the Breadcrumb Principle.

So, when you start talking to her, begin with small

favors like those we covered on page 246.

Then, as the courtship progresses, you may escalate

to requesting larger and larger pieces of investment.

Lesson 4 262
You can assess how likely a woman is to comply with you
before you start to ask her for investment.

The way you do this is by gauging her little reactions to what

you do:

•  Is she comfortable when you move close to her or touch

her? Or does she seem uncomfortable?

•  Is she eager to speak with you? Or does she seem reserved?

•  How much of her body is pointed toward you (eyes, head,

torso, right foot, and left foot each add or subtract a point)?
Lesson 4 263
It’s easier to get compliance if you use compliance primers (or build a
“yes-ladder”) before your main ask.*

For instance, this:

You: Hey, will you do me a favor?

Her: Okay…

You: Will you tell your friend we’d like to have a little private time?

Because she’s already agreed to do you a favor or service, she’s

much more likely to agree with the request than if you asked without
priming her first.

Lesson 4 * Meineri, Dupre, Vallee, & Guéguen, 2015 264

If you can get a girl to comply with something
contrary to her private opinion, she will tend to
change her opinion to bring it inline with what
she’s done or said.*

For example, if she says, “I can’t go with you, I

don’t have time,” and you convince her to come
anyway while telling her she has plenty of time, she
will tend to revise her opinion to one of having more
time.
Lesson 4 * Festinger & Carlsmith, 1959 265
Adding the word “because” to your favor requests increases
compliance.* For example:

You: Will you wait here for me, because I’ve got to run over
there real quick?

You: Can you show me your place, because I’ve never seen
what the apartments look like in this building before?

You: Let’s get out of this bar, because if we stay any longer
our ear drums are going to rupture.

Lesson 4 * Langer, Blank, & Chanowitz, 1978 266

 If all you do is have a woman do more and
more favors for you... you aren’t relatable, and
you don’t break rules... this can still be enough
for her to start chasing you.

This is especially true after short interactions.

Lots of fast compliance (if she gives it to you)
can make her feel as if she’s connected to you
very fast, due to the effects of the investment.

However, as with the other two parts of SAC...

if you want the maximum effect, combine
compliance with similarity + arousal.

Lesson 4 267
Women have certain types of men who are on their “approved”
lists for sex.* They also have “approved lists” for what sex acts are
okay, what times it’s okay to have sex, where it should happen (e.g., a
bedroom), and why it’s allowed to take place.

You can either fit the mold of a woman’s approved list is and take
advantage of that (e.g., you position yourself as the kind of man she
likes to hook up with... like a biker, artist, or frat boy)…

Or you can work to violate her expectations (via similarity-arousal-

compliance) and cause enough excitement in her that she violates her
list to be with you.

Either strategy works fine. But if you make yourself match what she’s
after, obviously it gets a lot easier.

Lesson 4 * Gagnon, 1977 268

If you use all three parts of SAC on a woman, most women will begin to chase you.
The exceptions are:

•  If you’re clearly chasing yourself. If you’re chasing, there’s no need for her to
chase, so she won’t. She’ll wait for you to do it.

•  If she’s really not that excited by you. Most women will get into you if you do
things right (i.e., use SAC). Yet you will sometimes run into women who still are
unmoved. So long as she’s still around, complies when you ask for favors, goes
along with you when you break rules, and enjoys relating with you, just keep
moving things ahead and you’ve got a good shot to make her your girl regardless.

•  If you take too long. Attraction expires if it’s left alone too long. If you let
attraction expire, she’ll stop chasing you no matter how perfectly you used the SAC
model. There’s a time limit on every courtship you have... don’t wait so long her
chasing turns to giving up, because by that time it’s too late.

Lesson 4 269
Then just march forward with
the courtship. Continue to
move her along the steps from
“hello” to bedroom or
girlfriend.

It’s nice when women

chase, but sometimes
you’ll do everything right
and they still won’t. Just
because a girl isn’t
chasing doesn’t mean
she isn’t open to sleeping
with or dating you.
Lesson 4 270
You cannot sit back and let her drive, and still hope she takes
things where you want them to lead.

Most women are bad at sorting out logistics, planning things so

the two of you end up together, and handling obstacles along
the way. Further, they often don’t understand basic rules of
courtship... like “If I don’t have sex with him soon, one or both
of us will lose interest and the magic will run out.”

Therefore, even while she’s chasing, you must still subtly

guide and direct the flow of the courtship. You must make
sure it progresses nicely through all its pre-sex steps so it ends
up where you want it to end up.

Lesson 4 271
Women will give up chasing you even after you’ve flipped their chase
switches if you:

•  Wait too long (attraction expires)

•  Don’t escalate the interaction (it feels like it’s not going anywhere)

•  Do something that puts SAC out of whack (most commonly, you say
or do something that hurts similarity / damages attainability and
makes her feel like you don’t like or respect her that much)

•  Miss too many of her escalation windows (she feels like she’s
signaled what she wants with you clearly but you’ve ignored her; so
now she feels insulted and rejected, or her arousal just fades)

Lesson 4 272
If you want to avoid having her stop chasing you: complete the courtship and
sleep with her. Then convert her to a regular lover of yours soon after.

In the shorter term, before you hit the bedroom, continue to progress the
courtship so it never feels like it is stalling out or “not going anywhere” to her.

Lesson 4 273
When women start chasing you hard over phone, text, or email:

•  Understand that some women will chase long-distance who may be

more reserved in-person. This is either because they’re nervous in-
person or they’re prone to fantasizing about you while away from
you in ways they do not when you are actually in front of them

•  Also understand that getting sucked into a back-and-forth with a

woman over correspondence is counterproductive. If you satisfy all
her emotions via messaging, she isn’t going to come see you in
person, because she’s satisfied now

•  Thus, the goal is to give her just enough that you preserve
attainability and build some intrigue... yet make sure that if she
really wants to enjoy your presence, she has to come see you

Lesson 4 274
 Women will sometimes chase after you even if
you haven’t used SAC.

This can be because you actually did use SAC,

accidentally or unconsciously. A girl may find
you relatable without you actively trying to
build similarity. Or you may have inadvertently
broken some rules around her... or asked her for
a favor or two.

It can also just be you have the right mix of

VAC. She finds you valuable, you’re right on
the cusp of attainability for her, and she’s
sufficiently invested in you... either because
you asked her to invest, or she invested on her
own (she auto-invested).

Lesson 4 275
Most men do want women to chase after them.

And they do try to flip women’s chase switches.

The problem most men have is they try to this wrong. They think if they can
be impressive enough, women will chase. Or if they can show how responsible
they are, women will swoon. Or if they can invest enough in a girl, she’ll be so
grateful she goes straight to bed with them.

This doesn’t work in practice, at least not in our culture, because women
are already swimming in impressive, responsible, doting men. Unless you
really are the most impressive man she’s ever met or shower her with tens of
thousands of dollars of gifts, this won’t be enough to get her. Even if you are
or do, because you haven’t triggered SAC, she won’t actually be crazy for you
the way a woman you flip the chase switch on will be.

Lesson 4 276
The assignment for Lesson #4:

Make a list of at least three (3) small, harmless rules you can break (without
breaking the law or causing yourself problems) while with women... and at
least three (3) small favors you can ask women for.

Examples: have her meet you the day after you take her
number, take her to a café you know and order items not
on the menu, then after you leave pull her aside and kiss
her in public (three rule breaks). During the date, ask to
see an accessory of hers, ask her to guard your belongings
while you use the washroom, and tell her to “come a little
closer” before you kiss her (three small favors).

Did you complete this assignment and share it on the

forum?

Lesson 4 277
A woman will decide she’s ready for sex once:

•  She’s decided you are legitimately attractive (not faking /

not creepy)

•  She’s ruled out any harmful effects of sleeping with you

(losing you as a prospective boyfriend, taking a reputation
hit in her social circle, etc.)

•  You’ve made her feel sufficiently sexually attracted... OR

the other conditions are in place, she has nothing to lose,
and decides to just “go for it”

Lesson 5 279
Some of the signs a woman
can display that can mean
she’s ready to move toward
sex with you:*

•  Pushing her body into yours

•  Pulling you closer to her
•  Sighing
•  Breathing heavily
•  Moaning

Lesson 5 * Beres, 2010 280

Signs she may not be ready to have sex include:*

•  Becoming stiff or tense

•  Pulling away slightly
•  Pausing her kissing for a slight moment

If you see these signs, back up a bit, try to identify

the element of SAC you’re short on, fix it, and try
again.

Lesson 5 * Beres, 2010 281

She may elect NOT to sleep with you in any of the following cases:

•  You do or say something out of character to make her question whether you are
whom she thought you were. e.g. you were cool the whole courtship, then suddenly
behave needy about sleeping with her

•  You fail to make her feel comfortable enough, even if she really likes you

•  She’s afraid if she sleeps with you too fast, you’ll lose respect for her. Or, that you
won’t want to date her (if she wants you as a boyfriend)

•  She’s afraid word will get out and her friends will gossip, harming her social status
(and thus, her ability to get or hold onto a quality future boyfriend)

•  You fail to lead her somewhere private or fail to address her concerns about sex

Lesson 5 282
One of the simplest ways you can invite a woman home:

•  At some point, you can get up, take her hand, and say “Let’s go for a
walk” or “Let’s go on an adventure” and walk to your place if your
place is within walking distance

Lesson 5 283
More ways you can invite a woman home:

•  You can use a smoother transition like “What say we go

have a nightcap and call it a night” or “I don’t know
what you’ve got planned for the rest of the day, but how
about we go watch a movie?”

•  You can use a more direct transition like “Let’s get out
of here. I know a little place with good ambiance, great
music, and really cheap drinks.” [your home, obviously,
but you’re not going to come out and say “It’s my
place!” – you’ll kill all the intrigue]

Lesson 5 284
 One thing you should (usually) NOT do is come right out
and say “Let’s go back to my place” or, even more overtly,
“Let’s have sex” or “Let’s hook up.”

These can work... and when you use them and

they do work, the sexual tension and her arousal levels go
through the roof. Yet much more often, they take away
“wiggle room” and make a girl feel like she has no room to
back out if she changes her mind. Women usually want to
feel like their options are open, and fight a lack of options.

The other problem with being too direct is most women

need plausible deniability. They use this to maintain to
their friends, themselves, and even to you later (if you end
up in a relationship) that “Hey, I had no idea we were
going to have sex. He said we were just going back to
watch a movie!” Women often use alcohol for this reason;
in addition to disinhibition, it provides a ready excuse.*

Lesson 5 * Lang, 1985; Cooper, Skinner, & George, 1989; Ven & Beck, 2009 285
A common theme among women is that “sex just happens.”*

There are several reasons why women have this mindset:

1.  Because you (the man) orchestrate the dates and sex, to her it feels like it’s “just
happened”

2.  Because a woman’s contributions to courtship tend to be indirect and ambiguous,

they may often be forgotten by her later during memory consolidation† (leading
her to forget having helped sex happen)

3.  Finally, women have social reasons for wanting to portray themselves as not
having wanted or expected sex‡ (i.e., this way she’s “blameless” for the sex)

The end result though is that women both pretend and believe “sex just happens”
to some extent... and it’s often important that, if you want sex to happen, you allow
them this harmless little illusion.

Lesson 5 * McLellan-Lemal, et al., 2013 | † Shotland & Hunter, 1995 | ‡ Dune & Shuttleworth, 2009 286
In most cases, men are the initiators of sexual
activity, while women serve as the gatekeepers
(who say “yes” or “no”).* That doesn’t mean
women won’t participate in the escalation
process... Most women will, to some degree.

If you’ve built the sexual tension up and she’s

excited to hook up, some girls at this point may
even become aggressive about sex.

Lesson 5 * Metts & Cupach, 1989; O’Sullivan & Byers, 1992 287
If a woman makes a move (like slipping
her fingers into your waistband) and you
tense up or move off, she interprets
this to mean you’re unwilling to
advance the courtship.*

She’ll view it as a refusal. She may lose

any hopes she has of the two of you
getting together, and auto-reject. So it is
important you learn to be relaxed when
women make advances on you – as they
often can as they grow more excited – and
not tense up, move away, or otherwise act
defensive or disinterested.
Lesson 5 * Beres, 2010 288
If your place is not an option (you’re staying with friends, living with parents, you live
an hour away, etc.), sometimes you can go back to a girl’s place with her.

It’s important to know you will try to do this in advance. If you do, you can seed the
idea gradually throughout the conversation. Early on in conversation, you can ask her if
she has roommates. Later on, you can ask her what part of town she lives in. If she’s
close and lives alone (or if she says her roommates are cool), you can attempt to head
back to her place.

Some ways to broach this:

•  “What kind of food do you have at your place?”

•  “Let’s pick up a couple of drinks and hang out at your pad.”
•  “We should go to your place and throw on a film or a TV show.”
•  “Cool if I crash at yours tonight? My place is way far and the metro’s closed now.”
•  “Think your roommates would freak out if you brought a cute boy back to continue
chatting after dinner / after the bars are closed?”

Lesson 5 289
If your place is out and hers is too, you still have options:

•  Toilet stalls •  Friends’ homes

•  Shower stalls •  Hot tub rentals
•  Coatrooms •  Hotels/love motels
•  Broom closets •  Parks/beaches/trails
•  Alleyways •  Rooftops
•  Staircases •  Backseats of cars

Lesson 5 290
Keep in mind if you must escalate to sex outside of a house
(yours or hers) you will often need to spend a little extra
time making things more sexual, and more romantic.

Lesson 5 291
If you see any of these, odds are she wants to be alone
with you:
•  She stares at you intently •  She tells you she’s tired, or
and clearly is into you... will probably leave soon, or
but no longer initiates needs to take off soon
conversation (just stares (sometimes she means it,
and smiles) but often this one’s a signal)

•  It’s later in the

•  She’s positioned her body
very near yours, closer
and closer as you’ve
talked
Lesson 5
conversation, and she starts
to ask where you live and
your roommate situation,
seemingly out of the blue
292
The transition from public space to private one is an
important one to navigate well, because it’s one of the
times she’ll be the most jumpy. Will he still be the same
once he’s alone with me... or might things get weird?

The best thing to do here is to keep the conversation

flowing. Keep your chats light – usually banter and
repartee work best. It’s better to avoid deep conversation
when walking or driving... especially when she’s nervous
and her mind is elsewhere. Continue to use touch, but
keep it light here too. Playfulness is the order of the day
during public-private transitions.

Lesson 5 293
If you run into hiccups during the transition... like you reach the train
station and the last train’s left, or you can’t find a ride to your/her
place... keep the conversation light and playful while at the same time
you solve the problem as fast as possible.

She’s nervous. She doesn’t want to spend forever walking around

outside. She wants to get to where she’s going fast so she can settle in
and get comfortable. You need to keep things calm and in motion.

The best plan is to have contingencies, and contingencies for your

contingencies. If you know you need to hail a cab, make sure you have
an app on your phone to hail a hired car too, in case there are no cabs.
And in case both of those options don’t work, have a backup plan to
take a train or bus to your place and know the routes. Or have a buddy
who can drive you.

Lesson 5 294
Once at your place, do not dive immediately
into making out and sex... unless you were
making out the whole walk/ride back, or the
sexual tension is through the roof.

Instead, usually, you’ll want to allow her a few

minutes to get comfortable in your place.
Meanwhile, continue to make light conversation
and let her see you don’t become a werewolf
just because you’re no longer in public.

She’ll feel much more comfortable with a man

who takes 5 minutes to get her relaxed than she
will one who pounces the moment they’re
inside the door.

Lesson 5 295
 One important and useful rule to have in place
at your home is a “shoes off at the door” rule.

This is common in much of the world anyway,

but not so much in the West. However, it
keeps the home cleaner and, more
importantly, it gets her to remove an article
of clothing the moment she’s inside your
place.

Just a small article of clothing; seemingly

insignificant. But it has that mental effect of
taking something off. She’s at once both more
settled in there, and a little bit closer to being
naked.

Lesson 5 296
Things you can do to make her comfortable:
•  Get her a glass of water (not
alcohol, unless she asks) to
drink
•  Put the news or music videos
on (not movies, TV shows, or
anything else that might
engross her or alter her mood)
•  Offer to hang her coat up for
her if she’s wearing a coat
(similar effect to “shoes off”)
Lesson 5
•  Have a sofa or a loveseat she
can sit on, and get chairs out of
whatever room you bring girls
to (nothing more awkward than
her in a chair and you over
there)
•  Sit next to her on the sofa (or
bed), so that your arm touches
her arm and/or leg touches her
leg... but don’t immediately
start rubbing or kissing her
297
When you go to have sex in a public or semi-public location,
like a park bench or a beach, how comfortable she must be
depends on several things:

•  How turned on she is

•  Whether/how much you’ve both been drinking

Generally, you should aim to be a little more romantic in

public. Touch her more, smell her, make it an experience.
However, don’t take too long – it’ll get awkward quickly in
public if you wait. Also, many women want to experience
public sex just for the experience of it... which can remove
some of the comfort requirements a girl may have at home.

Lesson 5 298
Pacing and leading allow you to manage a woman’s emotional state by first matching
her state, then guiding her the direction you want her to go.*

Pacing is what you do when you match her emotional or logical viewpoint. This is
crucial to avoid her feeling dissimilarity with you and tuning you out.

For example, say she’s upset at not being able to find her car in the parking lot. You
want to be annoyed as well (so she feels you are both similar), not calm (which will
make her feel like you’re not on the same page).

Leading is when you then begin to lead the girl you’ve paced toward the direction you
want her to go.

For example, once she feels similarity with you and you’re both annoyed at the
difficulty of finding her car, you can then say, “I can’t believe how poorly they
designed this parking garage.” Now she can blame the garage instead of herself for the
trouble. I she blames herself, she may feel self-conscious for wasting your time and end
the date... So you want to help her avoid this snag.

Lesson 5 * Bandler & Grinder, 1979 299

Most people’s sexual scripts (their mental models for how sex
should play out) assume sex will happen indoors.* Simply
because that’s where it usually does happen in an urbanized
society.

What this means is if you begin to escalate sexually with her in

public, she often will not have a script to follow.

Which means instead of try to keep you and her to the

steps she thinks things should follow, she’s much more
likely to simply do whatever feels right. Assuming you do a
good job with the escalation, that means you’ll hook up.

Lesson 5 * Ryan, 1988 300

Tips for having a more sexually appealing/arousing bachelor pad:

•  Have a low light setting, so you can switch on mood-setting lights

•  A big mirror somewhere in the room can be nice – it can get her to imagine watching herself have
sex with you in it

•  A large picture window with a great view is also nice (high rise apartments are great for this). She
can look out the window (romantic), and she’ll feel less “closed in” inside

•  A nice, tastefully erotic tabletop book like Tracey Cox’s Supersex can be great to have in an easy-to-
reach location, like the coffee table in front of your couch, with a couple more innocuous magazines

•  A naughty card game (that’ll spark naughty conversations) like Never

Have I Ever can be an interesting conversation piece... or starter

•  An old secret of mine: have a small, pink Victoria’s Secret bag lying
around somewhere in your apartment, almost out of view... but not
quite out of view. When she starts asking you why there’s a Victoria’s
Secret bag in your apartment, it’s a clear a signal as any you’ll get to
kiss her

Lesson 5 301
I generally recommend time limits you have to escalate with a girl in.

This gets you around “waiting for the right moment”... where you
realize you and this girl have watched some stupid movie for 2 hours,
everything’s gotten stale or awkward, and you haven’t kissed her yet.

My recommendations are:

•  You must kiss her within 10 minutes of coming home

•  You must start to take her clothes off within 15 minutes of kissing
somewhere private (like your home)

Lesson 5 302
The “manhandle kiss” is the kiss you see masculine men give feminine woman
in old Hollywood movies. You don’t see it anymore because it’s no longer
“socially acceptable”... it’s too risqué.

To perform this kiss, you grab the girl’s face and pull it to yours,
disregard any resistance she gives, and kiss her.

If she still resists during the kiss, you can end it quick (just a peck) and go
right back to talking about whatever you talked about before as if nothing
happened. Then repeat again a few minutes later. Do this until she either leaves
(she won’t) or gets into it and starts to kiss back.

Lesson 5 303
Men who can use the manhandle kiss:

•  Men who are sexually experienced

•  Men who have a good instinct of which women want them, and how
much

Men who should NOT use the manhandle kiss:

•  Men who are not that sexually experienced yet

•  Men who still struggle with being called “creep” or having women
act weird around them, typically signs you’re not good at reading
women yet (and shouldn’t try this yet)

Lesson 5 304
If she turns away or refuses to kiss you: shrug, keep
talking, and do a small takeaway if you can. For
instance, offer to get her some water... even if she
says no, get up to get yourself some water anyway.
Then come and sit with her again once you have it.

The key is to communicate that you will respect her

refusal, yet aren’t discouraged and won’t change
your behavior with her. You’ll continue to sit as
close to her, continue to touch her the same way,
continue to talk about the same things. Your
assumption (and the impression she should get
from you) should be she does like you, she just
needs a little more time to get comfortable. So
you’ll give her that. Then try again.

Lesson 5 305
As fast as she’ll let you!

That said, you want to read her signs and back off before she makes you back off. e.g.,
if you’re rubbing her vagina and you sense she’s about to take your hand away,
smoothly glide it off and run it down her leg. This does two things:

1.  It prevents her pulling your hand away (her being non-compliant), while also

2.  Demonstrates you will pay attention to her wants/needs and respond to them. This
lets her relax with you (and be more accepting of your advances the next time you
repeat them)

There is another form of escalation where you focus on teasing women... you get them
excited, then back off before they wanted you to. This is a slower form of escalation.
While I don’t recommend it for beginners, it can be a lot of fun once you’re more
advanced... especially if you like girls HOT for you.

Lesson 5 306
Last minute resistance is the name of the resistance to sex women give once
you start to escalate to sex.

The more incongruent your sexual escalation seems from the tone you set
during the courtship, the more last minute resistance you’ll face.

For instance, if you were relaxed during the courtship, with little hint of
passion, then begin to make out with her and tear her clothes off and rub her
body in a passionate way, odds are you’ll face lots of resistance.

On the other hand, if you were very sexual throughout the courtship, odds are
you’ll face less or no resistance.

The correlation isn’t perfect, though – at times you may be very sexual, yet
still face lots of resistance. Or not sexual at all yet face none. Depends on her.

Lesson 5 307
The best way to avoid last minute
resistance is to screen for and
sleep with only highly sexual
women. Of course, if you do this,
you’ll shrink your dating pool.

The next best way is to design a

courtship and physical
escalation pattern that are
highly congruent with each
other. Your pattern of physical
escalation should feel more or less
the same as your pattern
throughout the courtship.
Lesson 5 308
A few examples of matched courtship/escalation patterns:

•  The smooth-yet-passionate man. He periodically pulls back and

lets women chase during conversations. His physical escalation
includes lots of smooth, passionate movements... often interspersed
by pulling back to let her chase.

•  The sexually direct man. He discusses sex and sexual topics. He

makes no efforts to conceal his sexuality during conversation. And
he gets right to it once it’s time for physical escalation.

•  The plain-spoken man. He is more frank than sexual during

courtship. When it comes for escalation, he does things like kiss her
a bit, then ask: “Shall we go to the bedroom?”

Lesson 5 309
 Ask any guy who’s spent an hour+ overcoming
fierce last minute resistance from a girl. He’ll
tell you: by the time he finally makes it into her,
she is sopping wet and often orgasms in minutes.

Women love to have their resistance

overcome by an attractive, confident, yet
responsive man. One who overcomes that
resistance in dominant ways, without completely
strong-arming or steamrolling them.

It’s just important while escalating that a woman

always feels like she has an “out.” You never
want her to feel like you’re an unstoppable
escalation machine... or someone who’s trapped
her in his sex dungeon.

Lesson 5 310
The early 21st Century has seen a wave of false rape accusations in
English-speaking countries. The most thorough studies find 45-55% of
rape reports filed with the police are false reports.*

Women filing these reports may have psychological issues. Or they

may be university students with politically radical friends who
convince them a night of drunk sex was actually date rape... and they
need to have their sex partner thrown in jail or kicked out of school.

The odds you get hit with a false rape accusation are not that high. Yet,
they’re much higher today than they have been at other points in recent
history. So do be careful. Make sure you have messages from a partner
that confirm she had a good time the next day. If you’re extra cautious,
consider setting up a hidden camera to record sex you have at home.

Lesson 5 * Justice, 2008; Kanin, 1994; Rumney, 2004 311

Due to the chill on sexual politics, many men fear making moves on
women. Men have grown so fearful of women accusing them of being
creeps or rapists that they do not try to kiss, touch, or sleep with
women... even when these women want them to.

But this is like staying out of the ocean for fear of shark attacks. While
shark attacks do happen, they’re rare. And if you take the right
precautions (like not swimming in shark-infested waters... or not
wearing wetsuits that make you look like a seal), the chances you get
attacked are very low.

Same deal with sex: steer clear of crazy girls. Don’t drink too much.
Don’t sleep with girls who are overly drunk. And make sure as you
escalate physically to always leave women an out and they always
feel like they have an out. Do these things and you’ll be fine.

Lesson 5 312
 The primary concerns women have that trigger last
minute resistance are:

•  “He doesn’t really want me for me”

•  “He’s going to lose respect for me if I put out”
•  “My friends are going to find out about this”
•  “Do I really want to get intimate with this man?”
•  “What if he gets clingy and jealous afterwards?”
•  “What if he won’t see me at all afterwards?”
•  If she’s self-conscious about her body (one breast
is larger than the other [true for all women], her
weight [even if she’s slim], her breasts are too
small, her butt is too big, she has stretch marks,
etc.)

Lesson 5 313
When a woman raises concerns about sex, sometimes it’s best to brush these off and
escalate... while other times it’s best to logically engage and resolve her fears.

The best course to take depends on the girl, the situation, and the reservation.

Often the best practice is to stay passionate and deflect concerns at first if they don’t
sound too serious. Then, if she repeats these concerns, stop the escalation and address
what she’s told you.

For instance, if she asks you if you always go this fast, smile at her and continue to
escalate. If she asks you this multiple times and keeps stopping you though, it’s a
real objection. So tell her that yes, of course, if you like someone, you want to be with
them, so yes, you move fast.

Lesson 5 314
When you are highly experienced with women, you can take your time
in the bedroom. You will have well-honed instincts and will be able to
sense when the right moment is. And you will also have no reservations
about seizing that moment.

When you’re newer though, it’s imperative you move

fairly fast. Still make sure she has time to get comfortable
and that you don’t steamroll her. But don’t dawdle. This
is for you, not for her.

Ever have a girl over and you just got too nervous and
never made a move? It’s because you waited too long. Once
you’ve waited past a certain point, it just feels weird to do
something. Don’t dawdle and don’t put yourself in that
position where escalating feels “weird”.

Lesson 5 315
When you first start to run your hands up and down a woman’s
body (after you’ve begun kissing her, typically), it’s important
to keep your hands moving.

That means don’t place your hands on her breasts and park
them there. She will take your hands off, and that sets the vibe
back.

Instead, keep your hands moving. Move them slowly over her
breasts, then down under the breasts, onto her stomach, on
down. Then back up. Move them around so she never needs to
take them off herself. Gradually accustom her to your hands
being all over her body.

Lesson 5 316
Moving your four fingers in a rough
semicircle while your thumb stays largely in
place can feel very good against her skin.

Another thing that feels very good to her is

to start with your hand flat against her flesh
and your fingers splayed. Then gradually
draw your hand out, palm first, bringing your
fingers and thumb together... until they meet
in a point as you raise your hand away.

This feels especially good for her when

cupping her breast. Have your fingers spread
around the breast, then have them meet at
her nipple and give it a light pull as you
move your hand away.

Lesson 5 317
You can use “push-pull” during an escalation.
You do this by escalating ahead and using more
sexually exciting and arousing touch and
maneuvers... then withdrawing these and cycling
back to less exciting and arousing touch and
maneuvers.

A basic example of this is when you kiss her,

then end the kiss before she’s had enough.

Lesson 5 318
If she takes your hand off her, let her. Simply move your hand to a
more innocent part of her body. Don’t return to the part of your body
she removed your hand from for a few minutes. Don’t forget to keep
your hands moving.

If she pushes you away, the best move is usually to roll off in the
direction she pushed you and relax. Put your arms behind your head in
a relaxed pose and speak with her very casually. Don’t mention her
resistance or ask why she gave it; just make light conversation.

The key in both cases is to not freak out and not bring attention to
her resistance. Treat it like a normal thing, don’t make it a big deal,
and then in a few minutes you can try again.

Lesson 5 319
Times it can make sense to pause your escalation:

•  If you’re not getting anywhere, and it’s tiring you out. Take a break or turn the television on
(nothing too engrossing).

•  If she’s really resisting you and you fear pushing more will make her leave. Instead of push
more, give her some time to cool off. Let her decide on her own if she maybe she ought to cut out
the resistance and just sleep with you.

You have two options on how to handle things when you pause an escalation:

1.  Be cold and distant (a “freeze out”) for a while. I don’t like this one. It’s too low an attainability
move for me. However, for some men, this seems to work better with their styles.

2.  Or, keep your arm around her and be warm. Just be less warm than you were during the
escalation. This one I prefer. You’re still punishing her bad behavior by removing most of your
affection, but not so much she feels you’ve become distant.

Lesson 5 320
Women have “walls” at different places during escalation. These walls often relate to a woman’s degree
of sexual experience plus her level of sexual openness.

You will face the most resistance trying to get past a girl’s wall. Yet once you’re past it, you’re more
or less on easy street getting to sex.

Examples of walls:

•  For a very inexperienced girl, her wall may be something like taking off her sweater. Once you get
that sweater off, she’s yours (but you’ll have a heck of a time getting it off!)

•  For a more experienced girl, her wall may be her shirt or (commonly) her bra

•  A still more experienced girl may give you no trouble getting her top off, but a lot of trouble getting
her jeans or panties off

•  A highly experienced girl may be comfortable getting completely naked with you, but give you lots
of resistance when you try to enter her body

•  Occasionally you’ll meet girls with multiple walls, or strong resistance 100% of the way, but rarely

Lesson 5 321
For resistant women, one of the more effective techniques I’ve
stumbled upon is the “bursts of passion” technique.

The way this works is you summon up your inner sexual

fever... and go at her. You go at her with passionate kisses.
You grab and touch all over her body. Your mission is to get
her so turned on, so aroused you can tear off an article of
clothing she’s resisted taking off. Then once it’s off, chuck that
article across the room so it’s hard for her to put it back on!

After this you can cool off a bit and go back to more normal
kisses, touches, and escalation. If necessary, repeat the
technique again 5 or 10 minutes later to move further ahead.

Lesson 5 322
Sometimes a woman will go and gather up her clothes and put them back on. When this
happens, it means that:

•  She’s fairly rational

•  She’s really trying not to sleep with you

… however, she is still there with you, so all is not lost. Reduce your affection for a bit
– don’t reward bad behavior (like her getting dressed) with continued lavish affection.
After a time, then start to gradually re-escalate on her. If she’s stuck around, she’ll
often be more willing the second go round.

Lesson 5 323
A typical escalation from first kiss to sex will last
anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes on average.

If you face a lot of resistance, it can take an hour

or more. If you face none, and you escalate fairly
aggressively (and go for panties first and not
shirt/bra), you can be having intercourse in
minutes.

Lesson 5 324
 For very long escalations, sometimes
it makes sense to take a break to avoid
burning out. Do something relaxing
together, like watch television and
talk... or have a snack you cook up in
the kitchen together (while still being
affectionate), like popcorn.

Another option is to fall asleep with a

girl mid-escalation. Oftentimes you
will wake up in the middle of the
night or start at it early in the
morning and she will be aroused
and receptive, ready to mate. The
resistance will have magically
disappeared.

Lesson 5 325
A back turn is where you turn away from a girl and give her your
back. A freeze out is where you quit body contact with her and stop
talking to her or minimize conversation, while you focus on something
else (TV, phone, computer). The aim of either is to punish her for her
resistance... and make her more acutely feel your sudden lack of
interest (caused by her).

Personally, I dislike both tactics,

and find them bad for
attainability. However, there are
some men who swear by these
techniques. So if you want to
give them a shot, anything’s
worth playing around with once,
I suppose.
Lesson 5 326
A woman does not need to “like” you to sleep with
you. She doesn’t even have to be that attracted to
you.* She just needs you to build up enough
compliance with her and get her alone somewhere.

Men are often confused by this, when women who

seem to not like them suddenly come onto them. Or
when they hook up with a girl quickly, then never
hear from her again. Both are often instances of a
girl not really liking or respecting the guy, but still
wanting to sleep with him.

Lesson 5 * Paul & Hayes, 2002 327

It’s important to make your first time in bed
together as good as possible, especially if you’d
like to see her again.

Don’t put so much pressure on yourself that

you’re unable to perform. Instead, focus on
enjoying yourself immensely... and, once you’re
enjoying yourself, then focus on giving her a
good time too.

Lesson 5 328
If she’s still there with you, even if she resists, she’s still open to the idea of sleeping
with you.

That doesn’t mean she’s convinced she ought to sleep with you yet. Nor does it mean
she’s decided to. If she’s resistant, you still have some convincing (or seducing) to do.

However, if she hasn’t left, take that as her sign to you that “You’ve still got a shot,
buster.”

Lesson 5 329
The assignment for Lesson #5:

Two (2) things to sort out here: your logistics, and your invitations. Where will you
invite women to, and what’s your contingency plan? Also, how will you invite them
back?

Examples: you might invite women back to your place. Your

contingency plans are to go to a hot tub place nearby if she won’t
agree to your place, or to take her to a back alley behind your date
location if things get hot and heavy too soon. For invitations, you
might tell her early on about your [X] collection and why it’s so
interesting. Or about the fantastic Swiss chocolate you have at
home. Then later, invite her back to see your [X] collection or
sample that chocolate.

Did you complete this assignment and share it on the forum?

Lesson 5 330
Sex is necessary at most times in most cultures
before a woman can truthfully be considered
“yours”. In more conservative eras with reserved
morals this may not be the case.

However, in 21st Century Western civilization, she is

not your girlfriend if you haven’t had sex with her
yet (no matter how much time you spend with her),
except possibly in the case of some very young and
very devout religious women.
Lesson 6 332
People who’ve been naked with one another open up more
to each other and feel better about themselves.* Revealing
one’s body to someone else is a “peak experience” – a
positive, emotionally charged occasion.

During sex, and especially during orgasm, the brain

releases oxytocin.† Oxytocin is the “trust hormone” (or
the “love hormone”). It causes people to trust each other
more, relax with each other, and open up to one another.

This higher level of after-sex trust and bonding is vital

to kick start relationship formation.

Lesson 6 * Sussman, 1977 | † Hiller, 2005 333

 That said, simply because you’ve
been physically intimate with a
girl does not mean she is now
automatically your girlfriend.

Sex is a requirement, not a

determinant. It’s a necessary
step, but it isn’t a signifier of
“official status.”

Lesson 6 334
Why would a woman be willing to sleep with you, yet not
date you? There are a variety of reasons. However, these
mostly boil down to one of the following:

1.  She doesn’t believe you’d make a good boyfriend

2.  She doesn’t believe you genuinely respect her

3.  She has a boyfriend / prospective boyfriend already,

and doesn’t view you as “better” than him

Lesson 6 335
The only time you can tell a woman you want a “proper romance” with
her is if there is clearly a large power differential between the two of
you. One where you have sky-high value and otherwise low
attainability, and you’re confident she’d want a relationship if she felt
she could get it. By telling her, you throw her a bone.

Most of the time, you do NOT want to directly state your desire for a
romance. Remember this rule: men chase sex, women chase
relationships.

When you reverse those two, people look desperate. A woman who
chases you for sex tends to make herself look undesirable. Likewise, a
man who chases her for a relationship makes himself seem just as
undesirable to the woman whose commitment he pursues.

Lesson 6 336
Post-sex, you will rely on VAC (value-attainability-compliance) to
make sure a woman continues to wish to see you. If you do low value
things (like chase her) or low attainability things (like behave cold
toward her), you will harm your chances to take her as a girlfriend.

However, SAC (similarity-arousal-compliance) still continues to play a

vital role. By using SAC you are able to continue to set up dates she
will want to join you on, and fully convert to your girlfriend.

Hopefully she’ll be willing to be your girlfriend after your One Date

and sex. But she likely won’t be fully converted until you have met
with her and slept with her on 2 to 3 separate occasions. For setting up
these subsequent meets, SAC continues to play a crucial role.

Lesson 6 337
If a girl feels and acts awkward after sex, typically both her and the man are to blame to
some extent. However, the man is often more to blame.

A sexually confident woman is better able to manage things and make the experience
smoother and less awkward post-coitus. This can be helpful for less experienced men.

Yet if you take a less sexually confident woman to bed, she’ll tend to be much more
self-conscious. She will look much more to you to set the tone for how she should feel
and react after intimacy. You’ll have to make her feel good.

Lesson 6 338
The primary reasons she’ll opt not to stay on with a
man as his girlfriend include:

•  She doesn’t feel like they’re all that similar

•  She doesn’t feel terribly invested in him
•  She feels he is unattainable to her
•  She fears he’ll hurt her reputation
•  She doesn’t think he cares about or respects her
•  She doesn’t feel desired for that role by him
Lesson 6 339
Men often “change” after sex. They alter their behavior
and the girl feels like she’s with a different person than
the guy she went to bed with.

Sometimes the change is the man becomes much needier

toward her... he may have suppressed his neediness earlier
and acted “cooler” or more indifferent than he is.

Other times it’s that he becomes much more dismissive

toward her. This can be the case if he didn’t really like her
much to begin with and just wanted sex from her.
Lesson 6 340
It’s fairly simple to avoid changing after sex.

To do this, all you do is work to make your

pre-sex behavior as honest as possible. It’s
very possible to run your courtships without
pretending to be someone you’re not. This
should always be your goal. It’s much easier to
be honest after if you were honest before than it
is to pretend after because you pretended before.

Lesson 6 341
 A girl may feel self-conscious after
sex if:

•  She has sexual hang-ups / is

sexually reserved

•  She’s had bad experiences with

men before

•  She fears you may not respect her

•  You seem colder or more distant

post-coitus

Lesson 6 342
Some women are more self-conscious after sex in
one date. These are often girls on the hunt for a
boyfriend, or girls who think men view women as
“sluts” if they go to bed too fast.

So long as you continue to be the same man with

her after intimacy that you were before it, and
you assuage any concerns she has, you will not
have any more problems with sex in a single date
than you would with sex in two dates, three dates,
or more.

Lesson 6 343
If you have sex with a woman in one date and do not
build enough similarity/attainability, there’s a risk she
sees you as a “playboy.” If she sees you this way, and
she wants a boyfriend, she’s less likely to stick
around.

Once she begins to view you as a “playboy”, you aren’t

necessarily sunk. Some women will continue to see you
due to intrigue, sexual interest, arousal, etc. However, if
a woman is highly motivated to find a boyfriend... and
particularly if she is older, done with her
“experimentation phase”, and hunting for a permanent
partner... her viewing you as a “playboy” is problematic
if you want to keep her around.

Lesson 6 344
The way you get around a playboy reputation is to make sure you build sufficient
similarity and attainability.

That means you make certain to develop a strong connection with her. If sex happens
fast, you can take her for a meal and build this connection post-intimacy, too. It also
means you make sure she knows you like her, care for her, and respect her.

It’s important too she sees you as a three-dimensional man with a life, prospects, and
interests outside meeting and flirting with girls. If you did not discuss these things
before sex, open up with her about items that flesh your “character” out after.

An attainable man she has a wonderful connection with and who is a deep, fleshed out
human being is not a playboy... even if she went to bed with him fast and even if he’s
sexy. In this case, he is, instead, more a puzzle.

Women love puzzles.

Lesson 6 345
Sometimes you’ll sleep with a girl, then find out she had a boyfriend.

My recommendation in this case is to let her go. You’ve already set bad
relationship precedent by having her cheat on him to be with you.

However, if her relationship with him is clearly on its way out, that
doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll be a bad mate for you. If you really
like her, the important thing is to showcase boyfriend qualities
without trying to be a boyfriend.

Don’t compete with her present man (whom she is more invested in).
Instead, make being with you fun, enjoyable, and pressure-free. At the
same time, let her realize on her own that not only are you a terrific
lover, but you’d probably be a fantastic boyfriend too.

Lesson 6 346
The secret to showcasing boyfriend qualities without being the boyfriend is to let her
catch you using them with other people.

That means with her, you are a carefree, easygoing lover. However, she sees or hears
about you doing things like:

•  Taking good care of your family members

•  Working at a respectable job
•  Planning ahead for the future
•  Working on yourself / conducing self-improvement
•  … and the like.

If you aren’t too obviously boyfriend-y, yet she sees these qualities in passing, she’ll
realize she’s discovered a diamond in the rough. While at first you were but a
wonderful, enjoyable lover, she discovers you may be much, much more than this.

Lesson 6 347
You should not behave like a full-on boyfriend after first sex. Whether
you take her to bed in one date or you do it in three dates, or five dates,
or whatever the number... be calm, be warm, but don’t be a
boyfriend. Yet.

If she goes crazy treating you like her boyfriend, she won’t care (or
possibly even notice) you aren’t fully reciprocating just yet. And if
she’s more cautious about you, she’ll appreciate you not chasing her
down for matrimony after a single night.

People evaluate others by potential, not past actions.* Instead of being

an outright boyfriend, be a man she feels comfortable being with
who shows great potential to become a boyfriend. Let her see that
you might make a great one – but don’t act like it just yet. Let her ease
into the relationship... let her work toward it and earn it from you.

Lesson 6 * Tormala, Jia, & Norton, 2012 348

 Even if you’re really excited about a girl you’ve
just slept with, it’s important to proceed in a
controlled manner. Don’t control yourself so
much you start playing games or acting cold;
these things will hurt you.

However, you must avoid behaving too

overeager toward her. Don’t frighten her off
with your zealotry, or make her question her
earlier, more controlled impression of you.

The easiest way to do this is to constantly keep

the long game in mind. If this is a girl you
want to keep around a while, just remind
yourself that you want to still be seeing her in 3
months or 6 months or more... and that to get
there, she needs you to let her ease into the
relationship at her own pace.

Lesson 6 349
If you end up dating a girl who’s just going crazy for you from the outset... and
you’ll find this is actually pretty common when you’re doing a good job with
VAC (for attraction) and SAC (for your dates)... if you know it’s what you
want, I think it’s okay to let her speed up the relationship progression.

For instance, say you’ve taken this new girl to bed, and she’s extraordinary.
She’s beautiful, her personality is delightful, you really enjoy spending time
with her, and the sex is great. And she starts to want to see you a lot and is
very affectionate. If you know this relationship is what you want, it’s fine to let
her see you more often, and return some of her affection perhaps a little faster
than you ordinarily would.

Just don’t let her go too fast. You’ll find once you start using One Date
women tend to fall in love and become devoted quickly, and will often want to
fast track your relationships. Yet you may realize once this starts happening
that the reason they’re doing this is because they don’t want to lose you... and
perhaps you might like to try out some other female options.

Lesson 6 350
One of the most important things to know walking into a new relationship is your end goal for that
relationship. Your end goal helps you avoid bad situations and understand where your boundaries should
be. It allows you to keep control of your relationship and help things progress at your pace.

For instance, you may know you never want a girl as anything more than a casual sexual partner.
Knowing this going in lets you dodge her attempts to gradually rope you into an increasingly serious
relationship that you don’t really want... a common trap far too many men fall prey to.

Lesson 6 351
One of the other functions of a known end goal is to help you avoid
mistakes that cost you the girlfriends you really want.

If you know you want a girl as your girlfriend, for example, you’ll
know it’s better to see her a little more often. You’ll open up to her a bit
more, and show her more of your boyfriend qualities.

If you are unclear on this, it’s all too easy to treat her as just some girl
you’re seeing... never show her the sides of yourself that make her
realize there might be a future with you... then, suddenly, she’s ditched
the relationship and you’re scrambling to get her back.

All this is easily avoided if you simply make clear to yourself what
your end goals are from the get-go, and proceed according to them.

Lesson 6 352
The biggest value problems men have when it comes to retention are:

•  Not enough boyfriend value, or

•  Not enough lover value

The first you remedy when you let her see the sides of yourself that make her
say, “Hmm, he’d be a great boyfriend.”

The second you remedy by:

•  Continuing to ramp up arousal with her when you see her

•  Making sex a part of every meet you have with her after first sex
•  Continuing to flirt with her, touch her, and be playful with her
•  And by avoiding any weak, needy, or supplicating behavior with her

Lesson 6 353
The attainability problems you may run into that can impact retention include:

•  You seem like you’re out of her league

•  You seem like too much of a playboy
•  You seem like you don’t respect her

The first and third you remedy with continuing to establish similarity with her,
and by treating her with warmth and affection.

The second you remedy with similarity and warmth, plus by not doing
playboy-like things. e.g., not telling her about that wild night you had at the
bars last weekend... not letting on that you hook up with lots of girls... not
acting like she’s nothing to you and just another notch count, etc. Basically,
just be a genuine guy, and not a too-cool-for-school party guy / playboy.

Lesson 6 354
A (somewhat simplified) retention checklist looks
like this:

1.  Treat her the same before and after sex

2.  Except be slightly warmer after sex
3.  Make sure to build a connection with her
4.  Continue to use SAC on future dates/meets
5.  Don’t act like a playboy/party guy
6.  Showcase boyfriend qualities incidentally
7.  Don’t chase or be needy; just be good to be with
Lesson 6 355
The assignment for Lesson #6:

Examine your behavior with prior new lovers as

compared to the Retention Checklist. How
often did you get everything right? Look
for your own patterns – what you do
right, and which items you need to work
to correct in future encounters.

Did you complete this assignment and

share it on the forum?
Lesson 6 356
In The Dating Artisan Module 1: Making Girls Chase You
with SAC, we’ll dive into:

1.  The psychology of chasing: what happens in her head

2.  How to get her to chase in the first 10 minutes
3.  Ways to keep her chasing (don’t flip the script)
4.  How to make moves when she’s in pursuit

Stay tuned and stick around, because your education on

how to grab the highest quality hookups, flings, and
girlfriends has only just begun.

357
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