How To Speak To Women  

In A Way That Builds Attraction 
By: Kristen, Your Banter Wing Girl  

Copyright 2019 by Marni Kinrys and The Wing Girl Method, Uncles Toads Media Group Inc.  
All rights reserved. Reproduction and distribution in any way, shape or form is forbidden. 
No part of this report shall be reproduced or transmitted by other means without prior written consent from the author. 

 
   

 
 
MESSAGE FROM MARNI: 2 
MESSAGE FROM KRISTEN: 4 
BANTERING: WHAT IS IT? WHY DO YOU NEED IT? 5 
WHY DO WOMEN FIND IT ATTRACTIVE? 6 
DO ALL WOMEN FIND IT ATTRACTIVE? 6 
COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS: 7 
Misconception 1 - Bantering is Boring 7 
Misconception 3 - Bantering is shallow 8 
ELEMENTS OF BANTER: 8 
PLAYFULNESS 8 
OPINIONS 9 
WORDPLAY 11 
SARCASM 13 
HOW TO BANTER: 16 
STEP 1 - OPEN WITH SOMETHING WITTY 16 
STEP 2 - YES, AND... NO, BUT. 23 
STEP 3 - ASKING QUESTIONS 25 
REAL LIFE EXAMPLES 26 
HOW LONG TO BANTER: 27 
SUMMARY: 31 

1 
  

MESSAGE FROM MARNI:  

Are  you  ready  to  start  bantering  like  a  master???  You better be because by the time you 

finish  reading  this  guide  you  will  know  exactly  how  to  speak  to  women  in  a  way  that 
builds attraction.  

The Banter Guide ​contains in-depth instructions that guide you through how an 
attraction-building conversation should unfold. It gives practical exercises to develop 
engaging conversations with humor and social calibration that women find highly 
attractive.  

As with all my programs, I only show you the best of the best. And when it comes to 
banter, wit and being playful there is NO ONE better than my friend and co-host of The 
Ask Women Podcast Kristen.  

Kristen has successfully coached men from around the word on how to banter, be 

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playful and flirt with women both online and off. And now she is going to do the same 
for you.  

You’re about to discover the secrets to mastering the art of banter with whomever 
you want, wherever you want.  

When you’re done with this program, you’ll be better at bantering than 99% of the guys 
you know.  
 
You’ll  be  able  to  ignite  primal  attraction  with  any  woman  you  desire.  You’ll  know 
exactly  how  to  make  any  girl  vie  for  your  attention,  and  engage  with  you  on  a  level 
most guys can’t even detect.  

You ready to get started? You better be ;-)  

    

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MESSAGE FROM KRISTEN:  

If you’ve ever listened to The Ask Women Podcast, you know who I am. I’m Marni’s
co-host, the one who makes all those amazing jokes (Marni’s aren’t so bad either).
When we started the show together four years ago, I thought all I had to contribute
were quips and occasional one-liners. But, it turns out I have a lot more to offer on the
dating front than I originally thought.

I love to banter. It’s kind of my “thing.” It all started

when I was a nerdy kid with glasses as thick as this
manual. I spent most of my time with adults - partly by
choice and partly because I didn’t have any friends.
Ok, so it wasn’t really by choice. Regardless, I enjoyed
being around adults because I loved hearing them talk,
specifically about minutia. I liked talking about minutia.
No one my age cared to pine over the small details of
everyday life, but I did.

The highlight of my year was going to some distant

cousin’s graduation party and listening to my father
and his Italian relatives “shoot the shit” and joke about
the other family members. I think the scientific term for
what they were doing is called “bust balls.” And, that is how I learned to communicate -
by watching middle-aged Italian men yell over one another.

Many years later, at 24 years old, I started doing stand-up comedy. I learned quickly
that hanging around comedians and interacting with audiences was a lot like the
graduations parties I went to as a kid. The years I spent soaking in playful banter paid
off and I was able to keep up with my comedy peers. Without the skill, I would have
been eaten alive. And, in the dating world, you will too.

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So, pay close attention to the tips and tricks in the guide below and remember practice
makes perfect (or, at least it’ll make you not as bad as you were before).

BANTERING: WHAT IS IT? WHY DO YOU NEED IT?

Bantering  is  a  skill  not  everyone  is  fortunate  enough  to  have.  But,  it  is  a  skill  that 
everyone needs. And, luckily, it’s one you can learn.  

What  is  it  exactly?  It’s  not  as  abstract  as  you  might  think.  According  to  Google 
Dictionary, banter is “talk or exchange of remarks in a good- humored teasing way.”  

What  the  definition  leaves  out  however,  is  that  banter  sets  the  groundwork  for  deeper 
conversation  down  the  line.  It  helps  make  someone  comfortable  with  you  so  one  day 
they  may  be  willing  to  transition  to  a  more  meaningful  conversation.  And,  that 
conversation  combined  with  the  right  attraction  could  lead  to  a  deep  connection,  both 
mental and physical.  

Without  banter,  flirting  is  extra  difficult  or  pretty  much  impossible.  Think  back  to  when 
you  were  a  kid  -  how  did  you  flirt  with  the  cute  girl  you  sat  next  to  in  3rd grade? Maybe 
you pulled her hair or tapped her chair enough to drive her mad. It may have not won her 
over, but it got her attention.  

Now,  as  adults,  you  want  to get her attention AND win her over, and the art of wordplay 

will help you do that.  

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WHY DO WOMEN FIND IT ATTRACTIVE?

You’ve  heard  this  line  time  and  time  again  from women: “I want a guy with a great sense 

of humor.”  

And,  the  reason  is  simple.  She  wants  to  laugh,  because  laughing  means  she’s  having fun. 
When  a  woman  is  having  fun,  she  will  let  her  guard  down  and  allow  herself  to  the 
opportunity to feel attracted to someone.  

Fun  and  attraction  go  hand  in  hand.  Imagine  trying  to  feel  connected  and  attracted  to 
someone  you  can’t  have  fun  with.  Unless  you’re  a  masochist,  you  just  won’t  feel  any 
feelings toward that person.  

Also,  a  man  bantering  is  a man with confidence. The right amount of confidence is, dare I 

say, an aphrodisiac for women.  

DO ALL WOMEN FIND IT ATTRACTIVE?

I’m  going  to  go  out  on  the  world’s  sturdiest  limb  and say YES, ABSOLUTELY. Unless you 
banter  with  your  hairy  beer  belly  rubbing  against  a  pile  of  dog  poo,  she  WILL  find  it 
attractive.  

Bantering  is  universal.  People  all  over the world use banter. It’s how we connect, share a 

laugh and stay sane.  

However,  there  may  be  times  when  a  woman  doesn’t  feel  like  bantering.  She  might  be 
having  a  bad  day,  you  may  not  be  the  right  person  or  she’s  too  tired  to  strike  up 
conversation  with  a  stranger.  But,  there  will  always  be  many  times  in  her  life  where 
she’ll truly enjoy banter.  

If  you  come  across  a  woman  doesn’t  feel  like bantering, don’t take it personally. There is 

another woman right around the corner who is ready and willing.  

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Here’s a list of all the women who find bantering attractive:  

Short women  
Tall women  
Shy women  
Emo women  
Business women  
Rich women  
Broke women  
Religious women  
Young women  
Old women  
Serious women  
Bitchy women  
Sweet women  

COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS:
Misconception 1 - Bantering is Boring 

Banter is not boring or just something old men do over a game of chess. When done right 
it  is  actually  very  fun  and  invigorating.  It’s  like  game of ping pong. It may take a few tries 
to  get  the  volley  going  but  once  it  does,  you’ll  feel  the  momentum.  And,  momentum  is 
how you get her phone number or get the second date.  
 
Misconception 2 - Bantering is “Catcalling” 
 
I’ve worked with men who thought they could start bantering with a woman by
catcalling her. First of all, catcalling won’t even get her to smile at you let alone
engage in a playful conversation. Second of all, no.
Throw away the idea that shouting “Hey beautiful!” as she walks by will get her to take
you seriously. I promise, it won’t. It might get her to start walking faster and the only
thing she’ll like about that is the extra calories she’s burning by getting away from you.

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When you catcall her, you objectify her and that will close her off even more than she
was before you interacted in the first place.

Misconception 3 - Bantering is shallow  

Bantering  may  only  brush  the  surface  of  conversation  but  that  top  layer can tell you SO 
MUCH  about  a  person.  It  can  reveal  someone’s  values,  intelligence,  if  they’re  down  to 
earth  and  so  on.  You  don’t  need  to  get  her  to  tell  you  her  deepest  secrets  in  order  find 
out  a  lot  about  her.  Bantering  is  a  great  litmus  test  to  decide  if  this  person  is  worth 
moving forward with.  

ELEMENTS OF BANTER:

In  order  to  be  able  to  banter,  you  need  to  know  the  elements  that  make  banter,  banter. 
You can remember them by the acronym POWS.  

1. Playfulness  
2. Opinions  
3. Wordplay  
4. Sarcasm  

PLAYFULNESS  

It  is  incredibly  important  to  remember  that  playfulness  is  the  most  important  part  of 
banter.  Without  this,  it’s  not  bantering,  it’s  bickering,  belittling  or  just  plain  having  a 
BORING  back  and  forth.  If  you  lack  the  lightness  necessary  to  banter,  you  will  come 
across  harsh,  aggressive,  bland  and  unlikable.  There’s  also  a  pretty  good  chance  you’ll 
hurt her feelings, too. And, you don’t want to do that. Save that for your annoying sister.  

Remember that your intention is to be light and funny with her. It should feel easy to talk 
to  you,  like  she’s  known  you  for  years  or  will  at  least  WANT  to  know  you  for  years.  The 
idea  is  to  make  her  feel  safe  with  you.  And,  women  LOVE  feeling  safe.  In  my  personal 

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experience,  I  have  only  dated  or  been  with  men  that have made me feel safe. Once I feel 
safe, I feel comfortable being myself, uninhibited, sexy and in love.  

Below is an example of online playful banter versus banter that isn’t playful.  

THE  SCENARIO:  While  messaging  back  and  forth,  “Sara”  spells  your  name  wrong. 
Please note the spelling of her name as well.  

Not Playful Her​: Thanks Jon :)  

You​: It’s John.  
Her:​ Whoops! Sorry, my bad.  
You​: It’s in my profile.  
Her​: I guess I can’t read.  
You:​ Ha, yeah.  

Playful Her:​ Thanks Jon :)  

You:​ Who’s Jon? Are you cheating on me already?!  
Her:​ Lol. Whoops! John.  
You:​ Thanks Sarah  
Her:​ Wait! Who’s SaraH?! Are you cheating on me already?  
You:​ Never! Unless you’re a math test, I would never cheat.  
 
OPINIONS  

“Opinions  -  they’re  like  assholes,  everyone’s  got  one.”  BUT,  DO  THEY?  Far  too  often  I 
come  across  guys  who  are  afraid  to  be  anything  but  vanilla  because  they  are  afraid  of 
offending  a  woman  they  are  interested  in.  And  ironically,  by  not  forming  your  own 
thoughts, you are not going to hold her interest and you’ll lose her anyway.  

Please  make  that  old  cliché  I  just  recited  true  again.  It  is  SO  important to have opinions. 
Without  opinions,  you  will  have  no  perspective.  And,  you  need  perspective  in  order  to 
have something to banter about in the first place.  

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And  remember, opinions don’t have to always be in regard to heavy topics like politics or 
religion.  They  can  be  as  simple  as  what  your  favorite  color  is.  So,  you  can  still  have  a 
personality  without  bleeding  your  heart  out  about  your  thoughts  on  the  latest  Trump 
headline. (Please refer to page 28 for heavy/taboo topics.)  

Another  thing  I  notice  is  that  men  can  be  hesitant  when  it  comes  to  sharing  their 
negative  opinions.  This  is  silly.  Negative  opinions  are  just  as  important  as  positive  ones. 
Having  negative  opinions  is  part  of the human experience and you may find you connect 
on your shared mutual hatred of the that Oscar winning film EVERYONE ELSE loves.  

Here’s  the  general  rule  I  suggest  with  negativity  and  positivity:  ​If you are given 10
topics, you should speak positively of 6 of them and critically of 4 of them.

Obviously,  the  above  suggestion  is  malleable  and  can  change  but  that  is  a  general 
guideline.  There  should  never  be  a  constant  string  of  negativity  NOR  should  there  be  a 
constant  stream  of  positivity.  You’ll  end  up  reading  either  monotone  or  like  a  downer. 
There is nothing sexy about being monotone or being a downer.  

And,  remember  that you don’t want to confuse “having opinions” with “being unmovable 

in  your  stance  on  something.”  Be  open  to  hearing  her  ideas  and  don’t  shove  your  ideas 
down  her  throat.  You’re  supposed  to  use  opinions  as  groundwork  to  build  more 
conversation.  IN  MY  OPINION  (haha,  get  it?),  being  too  opinionated  is  not an attractive 
quality.  It’s  all  about  balance.  You  want  to  have  enough  opinions  to  give  yourself  some 
flavor  but  not  so  much  that  you’re  a flavor that is hard to swallow. Opinions are like salt. 
You  NEED  salt  to  make  food  taste  good  but  too  much  and  it  becomes inedible. Don’t be 
inedible.  

Below  is  an  example  of  bantering  in  person  on  a  date  where  they  guy  has  no  opinions 
versus a guy with strong opinions.  
 
No Opinions 
 
You:​ What’s your beverage of choice?  

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Her:​ I actually LOVE whiskey.  
You: ​Cool. Her: What’s your go-to drink?  
You:​ I don’t know. Lately, I’ve been drinking beer.  
Her:​ What’s your favorite beer?  
You:​ I don’t really have one.  
Her:​ Oh. AWKWARD SILENCE  

With Opinions

You:​ What’s your beverage of choice?

Her: ​I actually LOVE whiskey.
You:​ Oh my god. I HATE whiskey. I used to love it until I got SO SICK off of it a
couple of years ago. Now I can’t even smell it without having flashbacks. It’s like I
have whiskey PTSD.
Her:​ ​Laughs... ​What happened?
You: ​This is more of a third date story.
Her:​ Tell me!
You:​ You sure you want to hear it? I wanted you to stay for AT LEAST one drink.
Her:​ I don’t scare easily

Notice  how  having  a  take  on  something  can  give  legs  to  the  conversation?  The  first 
conversation  was  dead-ended, lifeless and sucked the energy out of the room. But, when 
you opened up about not liking whiskey, it allowed  

you  to  tell  a  colorful  story  as  to  why you hate it. It also gave you room to paint the world 

with  so  much  more  color.  This  brings  her  into  your  world  and  makes  the  two  of  you  so 
much more connected.  
 
 
WORDPLAY  

This  is  probably  the  trickiest  of  all  the  elements  because  wordplay really does not come 
naturally  to  some  people,  just  like  how  math  doesn’t  come  naturally  to  me.  The 
definition  from  Wikipedia  may  sound  intimidating  but  don’t let it scare you. Many of the 

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examples  listed  are  used  by  professional  writers,  not  by  guys  like  you  just  tryin’  to get a 
date or some action.  

Regardless, let’s take a look at Wikipedia’s definition.  

It  says  wordplay  is:  “a  literary  technique  and  a  form  of  wit  in  which  the  words  that  are 
used  become  the  main  subject  of  the  work,  primarily  for  the  purpose  of  intended  effect 
or  amusement."  The  description  goes  on  to  say  “Examples  of  word  play  include  puns, 
phonetic  mix-ups  such  as  spoonerisms,  obscure  words  and  meanings,  clever  rhetorical 
excursions, oddly formed sentences, double entendres, and telling character names.”  

That was a mouthful. All of that is really just a long, fancy way of saying “clever.”  

But,  please note, I don’t recommend the use of spoonerisms. A spoonerisms is an error in 
speech  in  which  corresponding  consonants,  vowels,  or  morphemes  are  switched  or  a 
“twist  

of  the  tongue.”  For  example,  instead  of  “ass-backwards”  you’d  say  “bass-  ackwards.” 
And,  in  my  opinion  any  dummy  can  say  that  by  mistake,  so  unless  it’s actually a mistake, 
don’t do it. It’s not very funny.  

And, make sure not to over use double entendres. That is one technique you want
to be very careful with. A double entendre is a word that can mean two things and a
person will employ both meanings to elicit a comedic effect. So, basically a double
entendre is a fancy version of a “pun.”

Here is an example of a double entendre: ​“I can’t stand

drinking - I keep falling down.”

“I can’t stand” can mean either that you don’t like something OR that you physically
cannot remain on your feet. And, by combining them you get this play on words. Doing
something like this can be funny but only ONCE in a great while. Overusing this type
of joke can come across very dad joke-ish or hacky.

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Below is an example of a quick way to insert some ​word play. ​Remember, wordplay
takes some charm to pull off so if you do it, make sure you have a playful delivery.

Successful Attempt

Her: ​I feel so old lately. I just found my first gray hair. I thought I was going to die.
You:​ Like, hair dye?

See? They’re a little cheesy. It’s okay to be cheesy like this every once in a while, but
definitely not on every date.

SARCASM  

I am soooooo excited about this element.  

Just kidding, that was sarcasm.  

I  am  NOT  looking  forward  to  breaking  down  sarcasm.  Every  definition  I  can  find  makes 
sarcasm sound negative or unfavorable as you can see from Wikipedia’s description:  

“Sarcasm is a sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark; a bitter gibe or taunt."  

Psychologist  Clifford  N.  Lazarus  describes  sarcasm  as  "hostility  disguised  as  humor.” If I 
may  add  to  Dr.  Lazarus’s  take  on  sarcasm,  I  think  it  is  not  only  disguising  humor  in 
hostility  but  more  positively,  it’s  also  finding  humor  in  hostility.  If  you’re  going  to  be 
hostile,  you  might  as  well  do  it  in  a  funny  manner.  And,  although  I  think  Dr.  Lazarus’s 
observation  is  correct,  I  don’t  think  it  applies  to  ALL  sarcasm.  I  believe  there  are 
variations  of  sarcasm.  And,  the  different  aberrations  come  from  delivery  which  include 
body language, tone and context.  

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Delivery:  Remember,  you  want  to  have  an  overall  energy  that  is  relaxed  and  inviting.  If 
you’re  feeling  angry  or  short  tempered  on  a  first  date  or  upon  first  meeting  someone, 
this is NOT, I repeat, NOT the time to use sarcasm.  

Body  language  can  be  as  simple  as  giving  a  devilish  grin or raising your eyebrows. You’ll 
want  to  avoid  putting  your  hands  on  your  hips  or  ringing  your  hands  -  that  will  read  as 
negative and closed off.  

Tone:  The  inflection  of  your  speech  can  go  up  or  down  or  even  come to a mumble. Your 
pacing  of  speech  can  also  speed  up  or  slow  down.  The  tone  is  basically  your  verbal 
warning saying, “Heads up, sarcasm incoming!”  

Context:  The  circumstances  surrounding  your  conversation  are  important.  You  should 
ask  yourself,  have  we  been  connecting?  Are  we  having  a  good  time?  Has  she  been 
playing  back?  Does  she  seem  like  someone  who  will  “get”  sarcasm?  If  the  answer  to 
these questions is yes, then feel free to proceed with sarcasm.  

A  lot of television, specifically sitcoms, employ sarcasm for many of their jokes. Chandler 
Bing  from  “Friends”  is  almost  always  speaking  in  a  sarcastic  manner.  Here  are  a  few 
sarcastic lines of his for reference:  

“Nice camouflage. For a minute, I almost didn’t see you.”  

  “I  just  realized  I  can  sleep  with  my  eyes  open.”  (said  when  one  of  his  cast  mates  was 
boring him)  

“ I’m glad we’re having a rehearsal dinner. I rarely practice my meals before I eat.”  

I  recommend  watching  some  reruns  of  sitcoms  that  do  sarcasm  very  well  like  Friends, 
Frasier, and of course my love, Seinfeld.  
 
Watch  for  the  rhythm and manner in which they deliver sarcastic lines and how they use 
their eyes and voices to indicate they’re being sarcastic.  

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Here’s an example of how to and how not to use sarcasm on a date:  

THE SCENARIO: “Sara” is late for your first date  

Wrong  
 
Her:​ Hi! I’m Sara. Sorry I’m late.  
You  (not  smiling):  It’s  okay.  30  minutes  goes  by  really  fast  when  you’re  waiting  alone. 
Her:​ Ha. Yeah, sorry about that.  
You:​ Lots of traffic?  

Right  
 
Her:​ Hi! I’m Sara. Sorry I’m late.  
You  (smiling):  Hey  Sara,  nice  to  meet  you.  It’s  okay,  time  flies  when  you’re  a  nervous 
wreck.  
Her:​ Awe. You’re nervous?  
You:​ Huh? Me? Noooo, I said the traffic must have been a wreck.  
 
 
 
   

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HOW TO BANTER: 
 
POWS should have given you an idea how banter works but in this section we’ll really 
get into the nitty gritty of ​HOW TO ​banter. I’ll show you how to ​start b
​ anter and how to 
keep it going​.  

The steps to witty banter, whether online or in person are:  

 
1. OPEN WITH SOMETHING WITTY  
2. YES, AND... NO, BUT RULE  
3. ASKING QUESTIONS  
 
 
STEP 1 - OPEN WITH SOMETHING WITTY  

OCS Method  

I’m  sure  you’re  familiar  with  the  OSA,  the  acronym  you  hear  Marni  mention  a  lot.  OSA 
stands  for  Observe,  Share,  Ask.  In  this  instance,  we’ll  be  using  the  acronym  OCS  which 
stands for Observe, Correlate, Share.  

Most  wit  comes  from  making  correlations.  For  example,  if  your  date  shows  up  wearing 
all  black, first you need to observe this detail. Next, you make a correlation. Ask yourself, 
what  does  all  black  mean?  When  do  most  people  wear  all  black?  What  does  this  say 
about them?  

At  this  point,  you  can  share  a  witty  statement.  In  this  instance,  because  your  date  has 
showed  up  wearing  all  black,  you  can  tease  her  with  a  line  like,  “Pregaming  before  the 
funeral?”  

If  you’re  smiling,  not  hesitating  and  have  open  body  language,  she’ll  know  that  you’re 
playfully teasing her. A statement like this will set the mood for what’s to come: fun.  

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Observing is the first step to starting the “ping pong match” of words. When you observe 
the  world  around  you  or  details  in  a  woman’s  dating  profile,  it  will  give  you  a  starting 
point or a place of entry into banter.  

Opposite Method – OCOS Method  

Sometimes  while  using  OCS,  you’ll  find  that  using  an  opposite  correlation  is  a  more 
appropriate  way  to  introduce  some  wit.  OCOS  stands  for  Observe,  Correlate  with  an 
Opposite, Share.  

Recently,  on episode #248 of The Ask Women Podcast, a listener mentioned that he saw 
a  girl  looking  at  “booty  shorts”  and  didn’t  think  there  would  be  anything  witty  to  say  to 
her in this situation. He couldn’t have been more wrong.  

Because  BALANCE  in  everything  is  so  important,  this  was  a  great  opportunity  to  apply 
OCOS. Let’s break down why.  

A  girl  is  looking  at  “booty  shorts.” Booty shorts are inherently sexy. If you say something 

to  match  booty  shorts,  you’ll  end  up  saying  something  overly  sexualizing  or  distasteful. 
So, instead, apply the Opposite Method.  

So, in this case, a funny opening line would be, “Shopping for your dad?”  

Obviously,  fathers,  or  at  least  one  you’d  want  as  you  father,  wouldn’t  be  shopping  for 
booty  shorts,  nor  would  he  ever  wear  booty  shorts.  So,  it’s  a  funny  opener.  Using  the 
Opposite Method is an easy, a short cut, if you will, to being funny.  

Now  that  I’ve  broken  down  OCS  and  OCOS,  let’s  take  a  look  at  starting  banter  with 
something witty through online dating.  

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Online  

Below  you’ll  find  a  barebones  Tinder  profile.  At  first  glance  you  might  think  there  isn’t 
much  to  observe  in  her  profile.  She  gives  you  very,  very  little  to  work  with.  BUT,  if  you 
look  closer  and  OBSERVE,  you’ll  see  you  can  extract  A  LOT  more  information  than  you 
first thought.  
  

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Some observations I’ve taken from this limited profile:  

1. Her clothing/beanie shows she’s laid back and has a “Tomboy” edge  
2. Her name isn’t a typical girl’s name  
3. She’s not showing her teeth - does she not like her smile?  
4. TYPO. She’s an English grad but didn’t use the correct grammar after “grad”  
5. She chose a black and white photo  
6. She must be a very new journalist because she’s only 21 years old  
7. Her nail polish and lipstick indicate that despite the “Tom Boy” image she’s presenting, 
she still cares about her looks  
8. IT’S NOT SELFIE. WOOT! (bonus points!)  
9. And so on...  

Now  I’m  going  to  show  you  the  MANY  correlations  you  can  make  using  the  above 
observations  that  give  you  a  starting place to develop a witty opener that will ultimately 
lead to a more fulfilling conversation.  

Observation 1:  
“Her clothing/beanie shows she’s laid back and has a little “Tomboy” edge”  

• Does she enjoy watching or playing sports?  

• Does she have brothers?  

• Is she going to steal some of your hoodies?  

• She might whip your butt at beer pong  

• She makes her work/studies a priority  

Observation 2:  
“Her name isn’t a typical girl’s name”  

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• Is she named after someone?  

•  Does  it  get  annoying when people assume she must be a boy before they meet her/see 

her?  

• Is that her real name?  

• Has she ever dated a guy with the same name?  

Observation 3:  
“She’s not showing her teeth - does she not like her smile? “  

• This isn’t something to banter about early on but it could be useful down the road  

Observation 4:  
“TYPO. She’s an English grad but didn’t use the right grammar after “grad””  

• Is she not taking dating seriously? Or, perhaps she’s just not taking Tinder seriously?  

• Maybe she’s very busy  

• Do you notice a lot of typos once you get into an online banter/ conversation?  

• She’s human  

Observation 5​: 
“She chose a black and white photo”  

• Are all/most of her photos in black and white? If so, why?  

• Is she on the artsier side?  

• Is she into photography?  

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• Maybe she feels she looks her most attractive in black and white  

Observation 6: 
"She must be a very new journalist because she’s only 21 years old”  

• What kind of journalist is she?  

• What made her choose that major/profession?  

• Most journalists are curious by nature. Is she a curious person?  

• Does she look up to any journalists?  

Observation 7:  
“Her nail polish and lipstick shows she cares about her looks”  

• She looks like she still likes to be feminine despite the “Tomboy” vibe  

• Because she looks to be both feminine and sporty, she’s probably well rounded  

• She can hang with the guys AND the girls  

Observation 8:  
“IT’S NOT SELFIE. WOOT! (bonus points!)”  

• She’s probably not vain  

• She might be more down to earth than many  

• She can probably carry a pretty great conversation  

WOW. That was a lot of observing.  

See just HOW MUCH can come from so little?  

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Now,  I’m  going  to  pick  three  of  the  observations  from  above  and  use  them  to  show 
different  opener  options  to  start  a  conversation.  Most  men  will  start  with  boring  things 
like  “Hey!  How’s  your  week?”  or  “How  do  you  like  journalism?”  By using openers similar 
to this, using this process, you’ll stand out from the crowd.  

You’ll  notice  that  some  of  the  openers  are  more  risky  than  the  others.  The  more 
confident  you  get  in  banter  and  teasing,  the  more  comfortable  you’ll  be  with  taking  the 
bigger risks.  

Opener 1 Observation 2: Her Boy’s Name  

“If we ever get married, our wedding invitations will scare SO many old people.”  

Opener 2 Observation 1: Her Attire  

“I have that EXACT same outfit. It looks so much better on you than it does on me.”  

Opener 3 Observation 4: Her Typo  

“I’m not an investigative journalist but if I was I’d cover the story of your comma typo.”  

In-Person  

The  great  part  about  online  openers  is  that  you  can  really  take  your  time  to  craft  the 
perfect  one.  In  person,  however,  it’s  a  much  different  story.  You’re  in  real  time  with 
actual clocks ticking.  

Before  trying  to  be  a  witty-pro  in  real  life,  I  recommend  practicing online so you can get 
into  the  swing  of  things.  If  you’re  not  online  dating,  it’s  a  good  idea  to  make  a  dating 
profile  somewhere  just  to  use  as  a  means  of  practicing.  A  great  place  to  make  a  profile 
solely  for  practice  is  on  Tinder.  There  are  SO  many  people  on  Tinder.  Even  if  you  don’t 
match  with  tons  of  women,  you  can  use  their  profiles  to  write  down  observations. Then 
you can practice turning those observations into openers.  

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By  practicing  at home, you’ll be better equipped to open with something witty in the real 
world. So, if you’ve already practiced at home, please proceed.  

First  thing  to  think  about  when  looking  to  engage  in  banter  with  a  woman  is  your  body 
language.  When  you  approach  her,  be  sure  that  you  have  your  shoulders  back,  stand  at 
an  angle,  have  a  smile  on  your  face  and  DON’T  HESITATE.  Women  can  sense  any 
hesitation  or  discomfort  immediately.  She’ll  immediately  pick  up  your  vibe  and  she  will 
either  lose interest before there was even a chance to get interest OR she’ll take on your 
uncomfortable vibe and be just as awkward as you are.  

Secondly,  apply  OCS  (observe,  correlate,  share).  More  than  likely  you’ll  have  come  up 
with what you’re going to say before the approach. The key is not getting tongue tied the 
minute she says something back to you that you weren’t expecting.  

This brings me to the second step of “How To.”  

STEP 2 - YES, AND... NO, BUT.  

“Yes,  and...”  is  a  rule-of-thumb  in  improvisational  comedy  that  suggests  that  a 
participant  should  accept  what  another  participant  has  stated  ("yes")  and  then  expand 
on that line of thinking (“and”).  

This  rule  can  be  applied  to  conversation,  not  just  to  improv,  as  a  way  to  make  a 
conversation  grow.  You  may  have  heard  this  phrase  from  time-to-  time  or  it’s  the  first 
time you’ve ever heard it, either way you’ve never seen  

it  with  “No,  but”.  That’s  because  it’s  my  own  little  flavor  I  added  to  it  to  create  a  little 
conversation tension.  

Tension  is  so  important  in  flirtation.  Adding  in  an  occasional  “No,  but”  to  the  rule  gives 
some  space  for  sexual  tension  to  grow.  You  will  want  to  connect  on  some  subjects 
because  it  will  create  a  bond  but  disagree  on  others.  It’s  the  ups  and  downs,  pulling  and 
pushing that will create attraction.  

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Below  is  a  rudimentary  example  of  a  “Yes,  and...”  conversation  so  you  can  see  the 
general  idea  and  rhythm.  I’ve  also  included  a  “Yes,  and...  No  But”  conversation  to 
demonstrate  how  a  little  “disagreement”  can  give  the  back  and  forth  some  life  and 
flirtation.  

“Yes, and...” (boring)  

Her:​ I love so many shows on Netflix  

You:​ Yeah, I watch so much Netflix and it’s taking over my life.  
Her:  Oh my god, it’s taking over mine and my favorite show of their’s is Strangers Things. 
You:​ Yeah, Stranger Things was good, and I like their comedy specials too.  

“Yes, and... No, but” (building tension)  

Her:​ I love so many shows on Netflix  

You:​ Yeah, I watch so much Netflix and it’s taking over my life.  
Her:​ It’s taking over mine and my favorite show is Strangers Things.  
You:​ No way, Stranger Things is the worst show they have.  
Her:​ Oh my god, you’re soooo wrong.  
You:​ The only thing I’m wrong about is this date going well (smirk).  

It  may  sound  harsh  but  if  the  tone  has  been  set  and  you  delivered  that  line  with  a 
charming  smile,  her  reaction  will  be  a  playful  tap  on  your shoulder and laugh as she says 
“Hey now!”  

The  above  examples  work  for  both  online  and  in-person  banter.  However,  if  you’re 
online  and  don’t  have  a  great  sense  of  the  vibe  quite  yet,  you  can  throw  in  an  emoji  or 
two  to  show  her  you’re  being  playful.  I’m  not  a  fan  of  too  many  emojis’s  though.  Using 
them  too  often  can  come  across  a  bit  childish  and  they  also  show  you’re  not  secure  in 
what  you  just  said.  Err  on  the  side  of  confidence  and  don’t  overuse  them.  So,  if  you’re 
able to get away with not using one, take the risk and don’t use it. Mmm, k?  

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It’s  all  about  rhythm,  confidence  and  tension.  Once  you’ve  gotten  those  things  down, 
you can transition into...  
STEP 3 - ASKING QUESTIONS  

After  several  minutes  of  good  banter,  you  have  established  yourself  as  someone  with 
some  charm  and  smarts.  This  means  you can work your way into something a little more 
serious  conversation-wise.  But,  don’t  confuse  “serious”  with  “heavy.”  (You  can  read 
about how to handle heavy topics on page 28)  

It’s  all  about  balance.  You  don’t  want  to  be  ALL  banter  or  ALL  serious.  You  need  to  find 
the right balance. Once you begin talking about things in a bit  

more  of  a  serious  manner,  that  doesn’t  mean  you’re  stuck  there. You can sway back and 
forth  between  the  two.  This  will  keep  things  lively.  The  questions  don’t  have  to  be 
massive  ones  like,  “What  was  your  relationship  with  your  father  like?”  They  can  be 
simple ones. You never know, a simple question may spark a bigger conversation.  

To  make  your  questions  fit  seamlessly  into  the  banter  you’re  having,  keep  the  question 
somewhat  on  topic. For example, if you’re talking about food, don’t suddenly slam on the 
breaks  and  bring  up  movies.  Follow  the  natural  flow  of  the  conversation  and  ask  a 
question that fits.  

Referring  back  to  the  “Yes,  and...  No,  but”  conversation, you’ll see how easy it is to move 

from banter into an actual question. See below.  

Conversation Transition:  

Her:​ I love so many shows on Netflix.  

You:​ Yeah, I watch so much Netflix and it’s taking over my life.  
Her:​ Yes, it’s taking over mine and my favorite show of theirs is Strangers Things.  
You:​ No way, Stranger Things is the worst show they have.  
Her:​ Oh my god, you’re soooo wrong.  
You:​ The only thing I’m wrong about was this date going well  

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Her:​ Hey! (gives you a love tap on the shoulder)  
You:​ Ow! You’re pretty strong. (obviously kidding)  
Her:​ Am I? You: Do you go to the gym?  

With  the  change  of  your  tone,  you  can  go  from  being  silly  to  asking  an  actual  question. 
You  don’t  need  to  drop  the  pitch  of  your  voice  a  ton,  just  enough  so  she  knows  you’re 
actual asking. If she continues to be playful, just go with it and don’t force the question. 
 
REAL LIFE EXAMPLES  

On  the  following  3  pages  you’ll  find  3  sets  of  actual,  real  life  text  exchanges.  The 
corresponding  links  will  bring  you  to  a  video  explanation  of  me  talking  about  why these 
messages are great examples of good banter.  

*Please note: ​ The first two sets of messages do not read in order. I only wanted to 
include GOOD banter so I had to trim some of the fat so you can see what banter looks 
like when it’s working well. The final set of messages DO read in order. Please read from 
left to right.  

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#1: See video explanation here: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_G8ZEZsLn8 

27 
  

#2: Video Explanation here:

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbQvlMDNDWE&feature=youtu.be

#3: Video Explanation here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mkuA8Q-4fE

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HOW LONG TO BANTER:

Have  you  ever  been  on  a  rollercoaster  and  you’re  like,  “This  is awesome!!!” and then hit 
a  point  where  you  start  feeling  sick  and  you’re  like,  “Okay,  enough  already,  I’m  going  to 
puke”?  

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That’s what banter is like.  

For  a  little  while  it’s  GREAT  and  EXCITING  but  after  too  long,  it  gets  old.  Banter  that 
once  shined  brightly,  with  too  much  time,  is  now  a  dull  and  lackluster  version  of  what  it 
once was.  

To  give  an  exact  time  limit  is  difficult,  however.  The  context,  the  people  and  the subject 
matter  all  play  a  part  in  how  long  it  should  last.  As  I  mentioned  earlier,  going  back  and 
forth  between  serious  conversation  and  playful  conversation  is  the  best  option,  as  the 
silliness will naturally fade away when it is supposed to.  

However,  if  you  don’t  have  a  rhythm  down  between  the  serious  and  the  silly,  I 
recommend  getting  out  while  the  getting  is  good.  That  means,  if  you’re  feeling  GREAT 
about  your banter game, as much as you’d like to keep it going, DON’T. This moment, the 
one  where you’re at the top of your game, is the moment you go in for the phone number 
or  the  first  date.  Or,  if  you’re  really  ballsy,  it’s  the  moment  you  walk  away.  Tell  her  you 
have  to  go  hang  with  your  friends  and  you’ll  see  her  later.  Something  to  keep  her 
wanting more.  

This key is to keep it fresh. Don’t wear out your welcome.  

I’M NOT FUNNY. NOW WHAT?  

Sorry my unfunny friend, that means you’ve got some homework to do.  

You  may  remember  when  I  mentioned  the  word  “correlation”  and  how  important  it  is 
when  it  comes  to  wit.  Well,  you  and  correlation  are  going  to  spend some time getting to 
know one another.  

I  have  an  exercise  I  want  you  to  do  so  you  can  start  making  funny  observations.  The 
exercise is simple and the more you practice it, the quicker you will be on your toes.  

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First,  Observe.  Pick  a  subject,  a  thing,  a  person,  anything  present  or  happening  in  the 
world around you.  

Second,  Infer.  Make  3  inferences  about  that  thing.  For example, if you observe a woman 

with  a  yoga  mat,  what  does  that mean? It can mean a whole slew of things like; she’s into 
health  and  wellness  OR  she  is  trying  to  de-stress  OR  she  hates  yoga  and  her  friend  is 
making her go. There are a million inferences to make with any given scenario.  

Third, Correlate.  

Make a correlation between the subject and inference - this is where you should start to 
think of something funny. (See the homework example on the next page.)  
 

32 
  

Conversation Masturbation:  

Another  good  exercise  to  increase  your  banter  skills  is  to  talk  to  yourself.  Normally, 
talking  to  yourself  will  make  you  look  crazy.  But,  since  you  can  do  this  in  private,  the 
world will be none the wiser.  

I  recommend  asking  yourself  questions  and  answering  your  own  questions.  Yes,  OUT 
LOUD.  The  questions  don’t  need  to  be  ones  you  know  the  answers  to  or  questions  that 
pertain  to  you.  They  can  be  anything  your  imagination  conjures  up,  so  you  can  practice 
getting quicker on your feet with responses.  

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While  you’re  “conversating  masturbating,”  think  about  a  few  things  like  would  this 
conversation  bore  you,  would  you  laugh  at  anything  you’ve  said,  are  you  offering  any 
original thoughts, would you continue to engage with you?  

By  thinking  about  those  things,  you’ll  be  able  to  better  gauge  whether  or  not  someone 
else  would  be  enjoying  this  interaction.  But,  don’t  get  too  in  your  head.  Just  speak  the 
first  things  that  come  to  you.  You  may  surprise  yourself  with  how  playful  you  can 
actually be.  

Heavy/Taboo Topics:  

I  don’t  think  you  should  avoid  heavy  topics  over  the  long  term,  it’s  part  of  connecting 
with  someone  and  being  a  human  being.  However,  I  suggest  keeping  the  conversation 
light  at  the  beginning.  Although  serious  topics  may  enter  the  conversation,  you  can  try 
to steer the conversation back to a playful place.  

Below is an example of directing a conversation back to a playful space:  

Her:  Did  you  see  there  was  another  school  shooting  today?  Him: Aw, man. You stole my 
closer.  Her:  Huh?  Him:  I  was  going  to  save  this  convo for the goodnight kiss. Her: Oh my 
god. ::: laughs :: (If she doesn’t get that you’re being silly, that’s on her.)  

Where Else Can You Use Banter?  

In  your  career  With  her  parents/in-laws  To  make  new  friends  To  get  what  you  want 
Negotiating (car buying etc)  

Taking Risks  

I  suggest  taking  risks  with  banter.  What’s  the  worst  that  can  happen?  She  doesn’t 
respond  or  un-matches  you?  So  be  it.  It  wasn’t  meant  to  be  anyway  if  she  can’t  handle 
some light teasing.  

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I  recommend  risks  for  the  reason  of  that  old  cliche,  “The  bigger  the  risk,  the  better  the 
reward.”  There  is  a  reason  that  phrase  has  been  around  for  a  long  time  -  because  it’s 
true.  

However,  if  you find yourself continuously taking risks and never getting anywhere then 

you’ll  need  to  reassess  your banter skills. It’s normal for a line or conversation to fall flat, 
but not every time.  

In  stand-up  comedy,  if  you  have  1  bad  set  every  10  sets,  you’re  a  solid  comedian.  That 
rule  should  apply  to  banter.  But,  keep  in  mind,  it  takes  a  long  time  to  work  up  to  only  1 
bad  set  for  every  10  so  don’t  beat  yourself  up  if  your  risks  aren’t  paying  off  at  the 
beginning.  

Do’s and Don’ts:  

Avoid  race  Don’t  laugh  at  your  own  jokes  -  even  in  texts  Smile  Practice  online  and  with 
friends  Put  in  the  effort  but  if  it’s  not  working,  don’t  force  it  Don’t  insult  Avoid 
commentary  on  looks  (unless  it’s  not  offensive)  Call  out  the  elephant  in  the  room  (For 
example,  if  you’re  in  an environment where it’s really loud and hard to hear one another, 
say  it.  “Calling  out  the  elephant”  will  put  her  at  ease)  Contact  me  for  practice  - 
KristenCarney.com/datinghelp  

SUMMARY:

The  great  thing  about  banter  is  it  can  help  you  get  what  you  want  or  simply  just  be  a 
pleasant  way  to  pass  time.  If  you  start  bantering  with the latter in mind, without putting 
too  much  pressure  on  yourself,  you’ll  be  more  likely  to  have  an  easier  time  getting  the 
skill down.  

You  know  how  you  hear  a  song  over  and  over  and  eventually  know  all  the  lyrics  even 
though  you  were  never  even  trying  to  learn  them?  That’s what learning to banter is like. 
If  you  hear  it  enough,  “sing  along”  with  it  enough  and  feel  its  rhythm,  the  next thing you 
know, it’ll be second nature.  

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Watch the television shows I recommended, re-read the examples I provided and 
surround yourself with funny people. That sounds like a pretty great and natural way to 
find whatever it is you’re seeking whether it be a one-night stand or a long lasting, 
meaningful relationship.  

To learn more, please visit my site at ​www.kristenandchill.com​ and use the Special 
Coupon Code: ​MARNI01 

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